#and treatment of any kind is inaccessible until i'm ~officially~ diagnosed
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literally what is even the point of trying
#personal#vent#i'm trying so hard to be positive but it's completely unsustainable#basically everything that is supposed to *make life worth living* is inaccessible to me because I don't make enough money#(despite making damn near the average uk salary lmao)#i will never own a property (or at least nothing WORTH owning i.e. not a suicide-inducing mold hole)#i will never be able to keep up with my more normal and successful friends#and i don't mean in a keeping up with the joneses way#i mean if a friend asks me to go on vacation i cannot afford to go#fuck it's lucky if i can afford to go out for dinner once or twice a month#the economy is getting more and more fucked by the day#but my brain doesn't work properly so i can't keep up the career climb because working actively makes me want to die#but also having nothing to do also actively makes me want to die#basically i just want to die and there's no good reason not to#and my brain cannot be unfucked because it just works that way#and treatment of any kind is inaccessible until i'm ~officially~ diagnosed#which could take a year or more to get an appointment#and in the meantime i'm supposed to just... lmao idefk just die i guess#i am so so so terrified of the future i want to die just to escape it breathing down my neck#i'm at the age where my loved ones are building their own lives with their partners and having kids and beginning to draw away from friends#into their own family units#and i do not see how i will ever have a family unit#so either i'll be genuinely alone by the time i'm forty#or (worse) i'll be the pity friend who gets invited as the awkward plus one to gatherings#literally look me in the eye and tell me my future is worth staying for#i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i want to fucking die i want to quit i want to quit#fuck it we ball
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