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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 years

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Personal life update below the “keep reading” link, posts about whatever the hell is going on with this season’s Taskmaster contestants will resume soon.

Well, life is happening. This weekend I’m going down to coach a tournament, for the first time in 2.5 years. A little more than that now, I think. It’s about five hours away, which is a road trip I used to do all the time. From about 2014 to 2020, I could mark my life by where I traveled. If you asked me how my last couple of months were, I’d tell you what city or town I was in every weekend, and what happened there. These places would sometimes be one or two hours away, usually five or six hours, occasionally twelve or fifteen. I was used to it! Spending so much time on the road was normal.

Now, I’m going to bed with my backpack already packed and my clothes for the drive laid out. I never used to do that. I used to just have a bag with extra toiletries and extra phone charger in my closet, and right before leaving I’d grab that and throw it in my backpack with a few clothes and go. Didn’t have to carefully think it through and pack the night before in case I forgot stuff.

It hasn’t been 2.5 years since I’ve been out of my city, or since I’ve done a multi-hour road trip. In that time, I’ve been to see my grandparents out East, I went to New York to see Nish Kumar (which seemed safer than coaching a tournament because I could keep my KN95 on every moment that I wasn't in the car or sleeping on my brother's couch, though given how few other people there wore masks it was still quite a risk), and a couple of other places. But tomorrow will be the first time in 2.5 years that I’ll be in a hotel, which is fucking weird. I used to be so familiar with those places. I used to spend such a large portion of my life in service stations and hotels.

We didn’t stay in hotels every trip, saving money when we could by crashing on friends’ floors or couches. I have one friend who runs a team in a city that’s near where a lot of tournaments are, and when it was available, he’d let my whole team sleep in his gym for free the night before competitions. That used to be fun. When COVID happened, that guy was one of the things I missed most. We have a long-distance friendship, as he’s about a five-hour drive away from me, but it didn’t feel long-distance that pre-pandemic, since we saw each other at events almost every weekend.

Not that we haven’t kept in touch during the last 2.5 years; he calls once in a while to give me gossip about our community that’s started to feel more and more like a memory, when it used to be where I had a real stake. There have been some quite memorable phone calls since I last saw him. The day our mutual friend died last year, he was the first person I called, and he did not already know, so I got to drop that news on him at 10 AM while he was at work. There were phone calls in which he started saying he thought some of the “COVID is a conspiracy” views of his fellow coaches might have some merit, and I fucking begged him not to start that way, because there are so few people in this world I trust, I've already seen the number dwindle over this and I can’t lose him too. He did, to his credit, stop before taking more than a couple of little steps in that direction. A year later, he was the one calling me to talk shit about the truckers.

He’s also been calling me this year to say the coaches from my team are telling him I won’t listen to them, but maybe I’ll listen to him, when he says it’s been two years and we’re all vaccinated and I need to stop hiding in my bedroom for my whole life and come back, and he wants to see me next weekend. And I always said I’ll try, but I never did, until this time. I haven’t even told him I’m going yet, because I wasn’t sure until today that I would, and I still want to leave myself the option to back out. But I’m almost sure I’m going. The ride is booked and everything. I’m driving down tomorrow with a high school kid on the team whom I barely know, and his mother, whom I’ve been told is lovely. That’s fucking weird. There didn’t used to be kids on the team I barely knew.

But then it’ll just be my best friend/co-coach and I in the hotel, which is nice. That’s part of why I picked this one as a way to come back – no coaches from my team will be there except the one guy I’ve known for 18 years. It’s been weird, fitting in to the new crop of coaches, some of whom joined after COVID started, but they know the athletes better than I do now. They know my own team better than I do. Figuring out how I work with them is something for another day. I will start with my best friend and I, the same coaching duo that ran that team for ages. I almost wrote “double act” there, and I guess that says something about how the lens through which I view the world has changed.

I haven’t told him I’m coming, but I’m really looking forward to seeing my other friend, the one who lives five hours away and never gave up calling me to tell me to come back, even though he hasn’t seen me in so long. I remember exactly when I last saw him. I wrote a post about it earlier this year, but the gist of it is that the last time I saw that guy was right before the finals of a championship tournament in early March 2020, when he pulled me close, leaned down from his 6 foot 7 height, and whispered: “Look, I don’t normally approve of showboating, but if your boy wins this match, he’d better make it rain.” Which is a top-notch sentence. I think all I really wanted from life was to set myself up in a way that someday, someone could say that sentence to me and it would make sense.

The tournament this weekend is about six hours away, in the town where I did my last couple of years of university. That not all it is to me; I’ve been back there many times since to coach other tournaments. But it’s an interesting place to start my return to any of those areas. To those various cities and towns that take turns hosting tournaments, that I used to know so well. At first, it was very weird to go so long without seeing them. Near the end of 2020 I seriously considered borrowing my parents’ car to drive down there and just walk around. Drive down in the morning, walk around for an hour, drive back at night, no need to stay anywhere and risk spreading COVID. Just see it, touch the pavement, know it’s still there. I may or may not have recently almost cried (only almost, it’s fine) while listening to Daniel Kitson tell a story on the radio in which he imagined doing exactly that during what should have been the 2020 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He wrote an entire show about how much more careful he was than everyone he knew, and even he’s started touring again before I did. Though he’s been sticking to outdoor venues, and that’s not an option for me. If my sport could be done in an outdoor and COVID safe way, I’d have done this earlier too.

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pathopharmacology · 4 years

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Hey. I'm the anon that checks in on you occasionally. First, sorry for thanking you for doing your job, I understand now that was tone deaf and I'm sorry for being an ass with that. Secondly, you've gone completely dark since this pandemic started and I'm really worried about you, especially since IIRC you work in emergency. You don't have to be okay (although that sure would be nice!!). I'm guessing you're not. But I'd like to know you're alive. And I want you to know you're not forgotten. We're not friends, though we're mutuals last I checked, and I want you to know someone cares even if there isn't shit I can do to help. Stay breathing. Keep your head above water.

Shit, friend, I am so sorry I freaked you out like that. God’s honest truth, I haven’t checked tumblr in ages, because I kinda noped out of most social media after we lost our first baby and then never really found my footing again after because a bunch more Life Stuff happened (more on that below). I don’t know that I’ll resume any sort of presence here, but for those who do want to stay in touch I have a twitter account (@patho_patho) I use occasionally. It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would worry. Again, I’m super sorry about that. I never intended to scare anyone.

Anyway, life update! The tl;dr version is that I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, freaked out SUPER HARD about it because of how things went the last time, freaked out SUPER HARD some more when covid-19 started showing up in the states, left the emergency department for a care management position right before the hospital implemented a hiring freeze, basically didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was like almost 26 weeks along and it was incredibly obvious anyway, and — several months later — ended up having an unplanned (but non-emergent) cesarean delivery when my water broke three weeks early and the baby was breech.

The little dude is now 8 weeks old, growing like gangbusters and marvelously healthy. Unfortunately, our entire state caught on fire recently, so I’ve just spent the last week with him up at my parents’ house because the air is poison and their ventilation situation is way better than ours. Fun stuff.

I can’t explain how good it was for my mental health to get out of the emergency department. I was struggling even before everything happened with my first pregnancy, so when I got off my “postpartum depression is even more awesome when your baby is dead” medical leave, I was in a REAL bad way. We were thrilled when I got pregnant again, but it was also much earlier than we’d intended (apparently I’m super fertile, hooray?) and I spent the first trimester pretending like it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t sure I could survive the loss of another child. Covid started being a thing riiiight as I was heading into the second trimester, and...let me tell you, being pregnant during a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, and it was even more terrifying when I was still working in the ED. Those early days, when we really didn’t know much except that it was really, really bad? God, that was brutal. I was having panic attacks on my way to work, because I was scared shitless that I was going to get it and either I would die (thus killing my baby), or there would be complications of some sort (which would kill my baby), or me and the baby would be fine, but I would give it to the Dude or my parents and then one of THEM would die and...

Anyway. Bad times. It was bad times.

I was interviewing for a number of positions when things started amping up, and accepted the care management job literally days before the shelter-in-place orders went into effect, which led to a hospital-wise hiring/transfer freeze. The transfer still went through, thank god, and my new job has been amazing. They were super cool when I finally told them I was pregnant, especially when I explained why it took me so long to disclose it in the first place (basically, I wanted to wait until the final diagnostic tests were done and I knew 100% that this kiddo wasn’t sick the way our first was). I’m currently on maternity leave, and every once in a while my supervisor will text with a demand for more baby pictures. It’s really nice, actually. Care management is challenging as fuck, but it’s also really rewarding and interesting, and I’m glad I was able to make the switch before the whole world imploded.

(Also, it’s super nice to be in a position where the stakes are not literally life and death, and I’m also not putting my own life on the line every time I go into a patient room? I might’ve been okay with that once upon a time, but, uh, a lot of shit changed for me last year)

That’s pretty much it, unless y’all want to hear the whole pregnancy saga (which probably isn’t all that interesting, to be honest, except for the last bit with the c-section and all). Parenthood is deeply scary and deeply amazing. Everyone talks to you about postpartum depression, which makes it super easy to be blindsided by postpartum anxiety, which is like regular anxiety except your hormones are completely out of whack and you cry a lot and also refuse to sleep because you’re convinced your baby will die the moment you stop looking at them. Being a new parent during a pandemic is even scarier than being pregnant during a pandemic, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to explain all of this EVERYTHING to the kiddo once he’s old enough to ask what the fuck was up with 2020, anyway.

Again, I’m really sorry I scared you by going radio silent. I’ve got all my notifications turned back on in case you or anyone else has any follow-up questions, and people are always welcome to check in over on the twitters (which is a garbage site, I freely admit, so I totally understand if folks would rather not). I definitely aten’t dead, and right now I’m doing better than I have in a long while.

Now I just need the air to stop being poison.

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level99life · 3 years

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I’m back

Just a quick post to say that I’m back and I’ll be trying to actually update this now. I basically set this up last year and then never touched it again - becauseeee I immediately got in a relationship lol.... I haven’t re-read my posts yet but maybe I talked about it? Because I would have been texting her the very week I set this up I believe.

A quick update about me: So yeah, that relationship thing happened, that was scary. We ended roughly around August 2020 (but off-and-on did a friends-with-benefits thing until January 2021, after which I’ve since completely blocked her on everything - maybe I’ll go into that in the future, probably not though). At work, I took on more management roles and so that takes up a lot of my time and mental bandwidth (I’m slowly trying to get a new job, however - one I’m not embarrassed about - so far I just have my resume like 95% complete). At home, I still live with super weird/messy roommates that I really need to get out of (surprisingly this is probably the #1 issue in my life right now, and I think that by solving this I’ll have a lot of derivative benefits across all other facets of my life). Relationship-wise, currently not seeing anyone or even trying; I’m forcing myself to address other things before I bring someone else into my life (relationships are time-sinks and money-sinks, not to say that’s bad [in my opinion those are like the best money/time-sinks possible, it’s basically the whole point] but I either literally don’t have those things available to me at the moment or need to figure out what I can budget for it). Free-time wise: completely stopped working out all of COVID so far - I had injured my back (that took a good 6-8 months to heal), my stomach constantly has problems that get much worse when I work out, and I haven’t been able to figure out meals that... A) I can make fast enough to have time to do other things in the day, B) have enough calories that I even gain weight when I’m not working out (all of COVID my weight has slowly been going down, so I can only imagine what it would have been if I had been working out). I played RuneScape a little bit all year (came back from a 3 year hiatus) and finally maxed both of my accounts plus some other side-goals, and I’m calling it mostly quits again (I might pick it up every few months, but I’m definitely done grinding) -- this is probably the most important part to make note of as it’s what made me remember this blog lol; throughout the last year I blogged on my clan’s dead forum and it felt really good to journal goals and accomplishments and thoughts like that, so once again I’d like to try applying that idea to my real life here. Self-wise

I just finished some quick spring-cleaning of the blog (fixing pictures, styles, links and such). Also renamed it from Lvl 99 Life to Level 99 Life because yeah. Still not totally sold on using Tumblr for this (honestly I love the format of forums so much, but I want something to be a bit more public even if I’m not actively sharing it and expecting people to read it - I love semi-anonymous, semi-public posting), but it’s one of those “we’ll improve it with time” things I need to get more comfortable with (I so often fall into the trap of thinking I need to perfect things at the very beginning).

Some quick reflections on this blog: Almost certainly not going to do those weekly update things. Structure like that, while pleasing to my OCD-like tendencies of wanting strict organization, is stressful as fuck. Nah. I’m keeping this super loose (as you can tell from this jank-ass post) the same way that my RuneScape blog was over the last year, and maybe with time it’ll converge to something more structured.

Alright, I think that about covers everything. My ending notes will be my current overarching life goals and what I’m actively working on:

Actively working on:

Project 0: Get a rotation of meals to make every week (super quick to make, high calories so I gain weight, and that don’t upset my stomach).

Next life goals:

Finish my PC (I’ve put next to zero focus on this since January-ish so I’m forcing myself to re-focus and get this bitch done; I literally just need a GPU but I’ve been super defeated because of how hard they are to buy for normal prices... this annoying project has taken me something like 5 years and will stand as a trophy to my inability to complete things in reasonable timeframes whatsoever, jesus fuck).

Finish budget & financial goals spreadsheet (I don’t want to know how many hundreds of hours I’ve put into this now).

Finish resume, post to Indeed/Linkedin/etc., look for a new job.

Find a new place to live (alone or with just one other person).

Go back to college.

EDIT: I went back and read my other posts. Oh boy. Alright so, from this post:

Today, Sunday, has been especially bad. I got into bed as soon as I got home and I haven’t been able to leave. I haven’t had this happen in months, if not more, so it’s worrisome. I’m scared about roommates seeing me for some reason, can’t leave to eat anything, and sometimes can’t even get out to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, I continued to be like this all year, and especially all of 2021 so far. I had no fucking clue until now how literally nothing has changed in over a year. I need to start seeing doctors again, wow. Really proves the importance of journaling like this - you don’t realize the time of things until you read old thoughts. In January I was my absolute worst - I was literally only awake for 9 hours as most, and slept the rest of the day, and it’s becoming that again.

I truly can’t get myself to go grocery shopping, and I ran out of meal foods on Friday, so I’ve been severely under-eating. This has likely caused a loop wherein I feel more depressed/anxious/etc. due to my hormones and stuff being out of whack from bad diet, further preventing me from going out to get food. So much for the budget helping with this.

Still such a huge problem, if not worse? I don’t think I even go grocery shopping once a month anymore, it’s a little over that. I do laundry just once a month. These two things are examples where I feel like living on my own would have huge bonuses though, since (as I talked about above) I’m so scared of being around people (and conflict with them in terms of needing to use certain things/rooms at certain times) that I can’t just get shit done when I want, be noisy at weird hours in the kitchen, etc.

I started my role as assistant manager at work. Nothing has changed yet, no training yet, so it’s very weird where people are asking me things that I can’t do anything about.

Yeah that hasn’t changed. Fuck this job actually sucks harder than I thought. I could be hard on myself and say it’s (at least in part) on me to have initiative and seek things out on my own, but honestly no - I’m blaming the company for such a terrible training structure.

#update

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123designsrq · 5 years

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TRIP TO THE MOON? ELON MUSK UNVEILS SPACEX STARSHIP

BOCA CHICA VILLAGE, Texas - Elon Musk includes a Starship, and something day he expects it can help SpaceX achieve other worlds. Standing beneath a towering Starship Mk1, a prototype for SpaceX's massive multiple-use launch system, Musk organized his arrange for interplanetary travel in the company's South Texas test site here on Saturday (Sept. 28) - the eleventh anniversary from the first effective orbital launch of SpaceX's first rocket, the Falcon 1. The brand new form of Starship (and it is Super Heavy booster) can carry as much as 100 individuals to the moon, Mars or any other destinations wide or around Earth, he stated. It'll stand 387 ft (118 meters) tall and become completely multiple-use, with quick turnarounds. https://youtu.be/5UUtNR6BhjE This is actually the rocket which will launch the millionaire Japanese entrepreneur Yusaku Maezawa and a number of artists on a holiday round the moon within the 2020s. SpaceX unveiled that planned space tourist trip this past year (but didn't disclose just how much Maezawa compensated). "This really is, I believe, probably the most inspiring factor I've ever seen," Musk told an audience of approximately 200 SpaceX employees, visitors and reporters in the company's site near Boca Chica Village, just outdoors of Brownsville. "Wow, how much of an incredible job by this type of great team to construct this incredible vehicle. I am so proud to utilize this type of great team." Musk has lengthy stated the primary objective of SpaceX, since its founding in 2002, is to help to make humanity a multiplanet species. The organization is promoting multiple-use Falcon 9 and Falcon Heavy rockets, in addition to multiple-use Dragon cargo capsules along with a new Crew Dragon ship for astronauts. It's launchpads in Florida, California and today Boca Chica, where the organization broke ground on its test site in 2014. But Mars, Musk has stated, has continued to be the real objective. "This is actually the fastest road to a self-sustaining city on Mars," he stated Saturday night, talking about the Starship-Super Heavy architecture. Get more information at extra space.org videos... A Starship evolution SpaceX's Starship concept has gone through a type of rocket evolution within the 3 years since Musk first unveiled it around the world in September 2016 in the Worldwide Astronautical Union meeting in Mexico. At this meeting, Musk unveiled what he known as the the Interplanetary Transport System, or ITS, for Mars colonization. The ITS known as for any fully multiple-use spacecraft (with two fins) and booster that will stand 400 ft (122 m) high when put together. Its first stage might have 42 next-generation Raptor engines, and also the booster could be 40 ft (12 m) wide. The spacecraft might have nine Raptors. (SpaceX's Falcon 9 rockets have nine Merlin engines on their own first stage. Falcon Heavy beginning have 27 Merlins.) https://youtu.be/wRF41f7hPWE Musk updated the look in 2017, calling it the large Falcon Rocket, or BFR for brief. That plan known as for any launch system that will stand 348 ft (106 meters) tall and 30 ft (9 m) wide. Its booster might have 31 Raptor engines, as the spacecraft atop it might have six. Then, in 2018, Musk unveiled another design (and also the Starship name): a sleek, stainless-steel spacecraft with three tail fins that will stand taller than its 2017 precursor, having a height of 387 ft (118 m). The spacecraft would be operated by six Raptor engines, with as many as 37 Raptors powering the booster (now known as Super Heavy). This latest design has held to the current day SpaceX continues to be shooting for any 387-feet-tall Starship-Super Heavy stack, with six Raptors around the spacecraft. The amount of engines on Super Heavy could change from flight to flight Musk stated the rocket has space for approximately 37 Raptors, and every mission will most likely require a minimum of 24. "Starship will let us inhabit other worlds," Musk authored on Twitter Friday (Sept. 27). "To create existence as you may know it interplanetary." Using the design nailed lower, SpaceX intends to move fast. The organization really wants to achieve Earth orbit having a Starship prototype within six several weeks. And individuals could start flying aboard the automobile within the next year approximately when the test program is constantly on the work well, Musk stated. A city's hope, however with critics While Musk and SpaceX happen to be lauded by their ambitious push for any Starship able to deep-space travel, the street hasn't been smooth. As the organization ramped up its testing having a smaller sized rocket, known as Starhopper, frequent road closures, launch hazard advisories along with other negative effects from the program sparked ire among some residents of Boca Chica Village, a close beachside community. SpaceX's Starship Mk1, for instance, is simply a large number of ft from the primary travel route, Boca Chica Boulevard, leading towards the village. https://youtu.be/1SLbhJ01D5c Previously Saturday, the boulevard was the scene of the rotating gallery of onlookers and SpaceX fans posing for selfies and photos using the Starship Mk1, even while SpaceX place the finishing touches around the 165-feet (50 m) vehicle. "I'm able to summarize my first impression such as this: 'Ooo, Shiny!'" stated Roy Paul, 78, of Mebane, New York, who travelled to Houston and drove over 7 hrs having a niece, nephew as well as their five children from Beaumont to determine the Starship Mk1. He's a passionate space fan who goes as IonMars on NASASpaceflight.com forums. This month, SpaceX provided to cash out some Boca Chica Village residents following a short 500-feet (150 m) test sparked a brush fire in the test site, based on Business Insider. There are SpaceX's some other clients. NASA continues to be awaiting SpaceX to accomplish the Crew Dragon spacecraft which will fly astronauts back and forth from the Worldwide Space Station. The area agency has selected SpaceX (and the other company, Boeing) to supply commercial crew flights towards the station. While SpaceX did launch an unpiloted Crew Dragon test flight towards the space station this season, a subsequent abort system test unsuccessful, resulting in the destruction from the vehicle. SpaceX aims to resume abort system tests later this season in front of the first crewed test flight. NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine, it appears, isn't pleased with time-lengthy delays of Crew Dragon, in addition to Boeing's Starliner spacecraft, especially having seen SpaceX build Starship Mk1 this season in front of its very own test flight. "I'm searching toward the SpaceX announcement tomorrow," Bridenstine authored on Twitter Friday. "Meanwhile, Commercial Crew is years behind schedule. NASA expects to determine exactly the same degree of enthusiasm centered on the investments from the citizen. You're ready to deliver." https://youtu.be/TzF6ksb2ms8 Meanwhile, the town of Brownsville, remains hopeful that SpaceX's presence - and future launches from Boca Chica - might be a boon for that community. The city's mayor, Trey Mendez, an attorney and native of Brownsville, stated that within the 5 years SpaceX continues to be in the Boca Chica site, the region has witnessed some vacationers arrived at gawk in the rockets, but such visits haven't were built with a significant effect on the city's economy. That may change, Mendez stated, if SpaceX creates regular space launches from Boca Chica. However, if the area just stays an evaluation site, then it might not be as big an effect because the city would really like. "Certainly I'm able to state that the city is overall excited using the possibilities the space industry brings. And we are excited to understand more about SpaceX's plans here," Mendez told Space.com just hrs before Musk's presentation. "I certainly hope that it's something which have a measurable impact for the city, since i would certainly enjoy having that." starship songs starship band members starship website starship spacex jefferson starship starship rocket starship movie mickey thomas starship Read the full article

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drjammz · 4 years

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Just a personal update, it’s been a while

I can’t even remember the last time I updated anywhere, it’s been so long. Everything’s just been a whirlwind. While at the same time being deceptively locked in time. Work at Larry’s for almost two years, make enough money to leave and go back to my ex’, only have enough for three months, get potentially saved by some friends, their mother moves back in, live there for half a year while working at Larry’s, move back home in May of 2019, continue working at Larry’s, Larry’s changes managements, I work for my sister, apartments fall through, friends give up hope, and then... silence. I reconnect with an old friend, we talk infrequently, she’s busy. I reconnect with an old friend, we talk once, I assume he’s busy. My lack of good roommate-ability makes itself known-- I don’t have a car. Parents don’t have a hand-me-down to give me, I barely have a four digit bank account after a year of working at Larry’s and GameStop combined. I make subs five to six days a week, I try and do sales for whatever I can get. And it’s quiet, and I’m home 90% of the time, and I seem to be going nowhere fast. And then my parents hit me with a hard truth I’ve known but have been avoiding for my own sanity. “When we die... what will you do?” And I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d make it this long. 2012 through 2016 were a haze of bad decisions and self-loathing. I try to drink myself to death, that fails. A friend says she’s worried about my drinking habits, I stop drinking completely for a year. Every night I try to afterwards, I’m chasing the high of being anyone but me. I haven’t drank in yet another year now. Instead I’m haunted by persistent nightmares and dreams reflecting my inner displeasure with at all-- I’m not living, just trying to survive. It’s boring, and pointless. After two rapes, a beatdown in Ojai that nearly led to my death and my dad trying to off himself in the garage, a relationship I self-destructed in, being locked in a corner of a house with an addict recovery biblethumper, being told I was only ever paid attention to as an example of what NOT to do... I got tired. I can’t register touch correctly anymore, outside of contentment it’s hard to feel anything more than fear and frustration. I figure I lead a quiet life, devoid of consequence, I won’t do anything rash. Every waking moment is a dual struggle of ignoring a side stream of violent suicide fantasies. So I live a life of... what would a therapist do? For a while, my biggest problem was simply having a place to stay. Without a base of operations, my primary goal was making sure if it ever came down to homelessness I’d be prepared in any way I could muster. Or that maybe it’d be a great excuse to take a long walk in the woods after buying a gun from a pawn shop and see the sun set one last time before sweet, sweet bliss. It’s an ongoing, conscious effort to accept that part of myself while also trying to struggle with the notion that it’s possible I deserve better. I deserve better than a racist aunt who curses out my ex because she’s black and calls her “feisty” like it’s a compliment. I deserve better than a family on one side who quietly hates each other, and the other which openly do. I deserve better than to want to tear off my skin bleed out somewhere and get rid of my physical being. I wanted to get this all out of the way as a prelude to something brighter. I still don’t think I’ve been through enough to justify whining. A lot of things happened years ago at this point, hence the silence. Life was such a whirlwind after high school. It’s been 11 years since I graduated. And all I have to show for it is friends who’ve moved on, and a pathetic bank account from the frugal lifestyle of eating Goldfish for every meal, and drinking water and tea. On the rare slightly higher paycheck occasion, I eat out or buy myself a game. Larry’s has been a drain on my soul. It’s also been a savior, and I hate it. I make subs for customers who tell me COVID is a government conspiracy, I take abuse from people for not getting one(1) pickle. I work hard, I’m the fallback guy, I try to quit and they barter with me to stay. Five days a week. Six days a week. Three days. Nothing’s consistent. And on short weeks, I’m called in anyways. It’s money, I work. They need help, I work. I come home. Sometimes I draw, sometimes I read, sometimes I game, sometimes I stare at the ceiling and wait for tomorrow to come. Corona comes to town, we don’t close down. Everything else is shutting down or really tightening procedures. We don’t adhere to any of that. State says close down the lobby. We keep 8 seats out. State says open half the lobby now. We open the 75% of the lobby. Every interaction with the higher ups is a barter. There’s no formality. We need help? Too bad, we can handle it. They need help? We have to hand it over if possible. So business booms. Things get busier. Without our best people there, lunches become almost unbearable. I’m physically exhausted. I bike three miles to work, sometimes walk if it’s raining. I bust ass from 8 AM to 3 PM, or later if they need me. What is this all for? I’m not amazing at Larry’s, I’m abysmal at sales, there’s nothing I want to do that isn’t being locked away in a room somewhere with enough money to not die and engage selfishly in aimless pursuits. The next game, the next story, the next potential friendship. Then I remember my brief stint with college in 2010. Two classes. English and Math. Math was odd-- a student tried to pay me to help him cheat. To sweeten this pot, he drives me to his house one lunch and throws on Jurassic Park and falls asleep until I wake him up since class is resuming. His offer is $5 to help him cheat. I decline. He offers $10 saying,”I bet things are tight.” I decline again. English goes much better. The teacher is verbose and old. But I respect the method, and I learn a lot. Then a situation happens. I don’t have a college fund anymore. I’m still too young to register as independent. My parents refuse to sign any paperwork. Nothing makes sense. Years later, I learn as a consequence of them being fired and unable to find work they had to siphon everything out of their ROTH IRAs. Instead of telling my sister or I, we got rants about life is just working until you die and that school is a useless pursuit. I’m still with my friends, but I’m lost. I bounce trailers to apartments to houses trying to find some semblance of balance only to keep having things contort under me, feeling violently out of control. Everyone’s punching bag. But it’s 2020. And nothing bad has happened in five years. I’m alone. I’d hoped, pleaded with myself to change. But it becomes a daily struggle, and I don’t know what tomorrow’s going to bring. I find the strength to try and leave Larry’s. They’re trying to hold onto me. My sister’s trying to give me an out. My 29th birthday is around the corner-- we’re 5 days away now. I’m 30, with all the enriching life experience of a teenager. I find the strength to remember I LIKED college. I hated high school-- reveled in being able to leave with virtually no consequences. Graduated with a 1.81 as my guidance counselor left me on,”You’re too smart to be this lazy. Get the hell out of this school.” But college? Sit in the cafeteria, eat the unusually delicious burgers. Wait for classes. Gab before and after with a friend.The classes themselves being small, short by any normal measure. I’ve signed up. I’m still working through the processes but... I miss academia. This could lead me to something better. Even if it doesn’t... I can’t work at a sub shop forever. I won’t let myself resign to a fate of nonexistence. I didn’t do anything to deserve that. All the bad I’ve done has been misunderstanding my own capabilities. My own worth. My own mental limits. I’m trying to do and be better.

#personal #it's been so long #long post

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entergamingxp · 4 years

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FIFA esports at a crossroads as the global lockdown hits pros hard • Eurogamer.net

In times such as these, it seems frivolous to worry about something like competitive FIFA, but for hundreds of players around the world, the complete shutdown of FIFA’s esports scene has caused personal upheaval, a loss of income and a lack of direction as to the future of the sport.

I spoke to players from across the professional scene, from a player who also maintains a full-time job to one of the world’s top competitors, and each expressed anxiety about EA’s plan for competitive FIFA, which remains off the table as physical events are a no-go.

When asked about what has been the biggest change in the FIFA esports scene, Donovan “Tekkz” Hunt, the 17-year-old wonderkid who at the time of the shutdown was the highest ranked player on Xbox, said the scene has essentially died.

Donovan ‘Tekkz’ Hunt victorious at the FUT 20 Champions Cup Stage 1 tournament in Bucharest in November 2019.

“The biggest change is no-one’s really doing anything at the moment,” he said. “We all used to go out and see each other when we go to the tournaments to compete.”

Before the shutdown, FIFA esports revolved around regular tournaments held across the globe. These tournaments were not only competitive, but social events that fostered friendships.

Hunt is keeping in touch with his FIFA friends online in the absence of physical meet-ups. Hashtag United is a football club and esports team founded by YouTuber Spencer Owen, and Hunt has appeared in several videos on the Hashtag United channel alongside Harry Hesketh, Alex “Shawrey” Shaw and Tom Leese, all of whom are high-ranking FIFA players. “I still talk to them every day, the Hashtag lot, on calls,” Hunt said. “We play different games. Me and Shawrey play Fortnite all the time and we talk all the time.”

Like so many across the world who are out of work or furloughed as a result of the coronavirus, and indeed like so many staff and players at real-world football clubs, FIFA pros have taken a financial hit. Without events, there is no prize money, and without prize money, there is no income.

Hunt, who is estimated to have earned over $350,000 across the 22 tournaments in which he has competed, perhaps can afford to have a more relaxed attitude than others. “It is what it is, isn’t it?” the Fnatic member said.

But what about the low to middle-tier FIFA pros, the players who haven’t earned hundreds of thousands of dollars playing EA’s football game?

Luke Craft, from Penzance in Cornwall, was a grand finalist at the 2018 FIFA eWorld Cup and that year signed for LOSC esports, the esports team owned by French football club Lille. But he left LOSC esports at the beginning of the FIFA 20 season, and is now worried he may not be able to find a new club. “My income has decreased a bit from there being no more tournaments and the potential to be signed for a team has pretty much gone until this is all over,” he said.

Luke ‘Crafty’ Craft signing for French club Lille in 2018. He is now a free agent.

Some FIFA pros are in a more secure position – for now at least. Sheikh Iqbal plays for Premier League club Burnley (and is a full-time maths teacher!). As Burnley are still paying all of their staff, he’s still on the books. “There has been no change on that front,” he said.

While the money at the top end of FIFA is high, unlike other esports of its size, the pool of players who can afford to play full-time is shallow. When compared to other esports, FIFA falls well short in terms of the prize money on offer. To date, FIFA’s grandest prize was awarded to player Mohammed “Mo Auba” Harkous: $250,000 for winning the FIFA eWorld Cup 2019. For comparison, the Overwatch League’s second season had a hefty $1.1m up for grabs. The comparisons become bleaker when contrasted with the megalithic Fortnite, which offered a staggering $3m dollars to the winner of its 2019 Fortnite World Cup.

It’s a situation made worse by the astronomical personal investment players have to make in their teams to even compete. Unlike most esports, FIFA requires players to spend significant amounts of money in order to build a competitive team. “I think on average a pro player will be spending minimum £1200 to be able to compete,” Marc Marley, a professional FIFA player who’s resume includes representing Bournemouth in the inaugural ePremier League, told me. Adam Ryan, another pro player who finished first in Scotland and seventh in the UK during FIFA 19’s Global Series, said: “£2000 I think a player would need to spend in order to obtain the best players to compete. I spent £1500 and fell just short of having the best players.”

This financial investment, tied with the intense schedule of qualification, the inconsistency of money-making opportunities and fierce competition makes the professional FIFA scene one that while popular, is proving to be emotionally draining for some of its top players.

The obvious question is, should EA support its community of FIFA pros during the crisis? In May, EA announced money made from digital alone was $4.052bn during its financial year, up nine per cent year-over-year. FIFA, with its hugely popular, loot box-driven mode FIFA Ultimate Team, drives much of this revenue. Indeed, FIFA 20 has more than 25 million players to date, EA said.

And yet, FIFA esports is woefully under-funded for a game of its immense success and popularity. And EA Sports has so far refused to host online tournaments.

“I do think EA could do more by hosting a few online tournaments even if it’s small prize money, just to give us something to do competitive wise,” Luke Craft said.

Sheikh Iqbal believes EA has supported some of those involved in the FIFA esports scene, but not the players. FIFA casters have been used for EA’s Stay and Play series, for example. This FIFA tournament featured professional footballers from 20 of Europe’s most historic clubs – all in aid of charity.

“EA has supported casters and presenters,” Iqbal said. “They are still having them work on the events that have been going on. However, I don’t think the players have been given enough support with there being no tournaments for them to enter.”

Mike LaBelle, who is one of the featured creators, declined to comment on this when contacted by Eurogamer, simply saying: “I hope everyone is staying safe.”

“It’s our job at the end of the day and they need to put more stuff on,” Hunt said. “They’re putting stuff on for professional footballers, but they’re not even giving a lot of the pros updates about what’s going on.”

EA Sports declined to comment when contacted by Eurogamer.

One wonders why at least some portion of the remaining season couldn’t be concluded via online games. While the obvious issues of internet speeds and cheating are prevalent, the pros seem open to the idea in lieu of an alternative.

“I don’t see why they can’t just do regional tournaments online,” Hunt said. “I think the connection would be fine, so I think they should do it.”

The sudden, hopefully temporary death of FIFA esports comes at a time when many pros have raised the mental health impact of playing the game competitively.

“I enjoyed it when I first started in FIFA 18,” Hunt explained, “but halfway through on FIFA 19, I stopped enjoying it. Then came FIFA 20. I was playing but I wasn’t enjoying it.”

Hunt’s attitude towards the game is not uncommon. The perception of FIFA among some pro players and the enthusiast community is at an all-time low, despite the game’s success with its enormous casual following. From the constant promos that make newly-acquired items irrelevant in weeks, to gameplay issues that have been present since FIFA’s debut on the current generation, some are sick of the game.

Hunt said he’s using this enforced break to potentially come to enjoy playing FIFA once again. “After this big break when we go compete again I hope I enjoy it some more,” he said.

While the Premier League still harbours a hope it will get the current season completed, most FIFA pros believe FIFA 20 is done. “I do think that the FIFA 20 season is over, which is kind of annoying, but I just hope it doesn’t carry over into FIFA 21,” Luke Craft said. EA is expected to reveal FIFA 21 this summer, with a launch planned for later this year. “There’s not a lot of time left before FIFA 21 with no real end in sight for the pandemic,” Sheikh Iqbal said. Hunt, however, believes the ePremier League and the FIFA eWorld Cup can still take place in August. Currently, no announcement has been made on the status of these events.

Could the pandemic cause some FIFA pros to reconsider their participation in the sport? FIFA as an esport has relatively low prize pools, so while those at the top of the game can expect significant winnings, everyone else is fighting for scraps. “It would be very difficult to do this as a standalone, with no other job,” Sheikh Iqbal admitted. There is a risk some will simply fail to return to professional FIFA when EA kicks things off again.

As fans excitedly await the reveal of FIFA 21 amid a global pandemic and the prospect of a catastrophic recession, FIFA pros face an anxious wait to find out whether EA Sports will invest further – or at all – in the beautiful video game.

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/05/fifa-esports-at-a-crossroads-as-the-global-lockdown-hits-pros-hard-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=fifa-esports-at-a-crossroads-as-the-global-lockdown-hits-pros-hard-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net

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123designsrq · 5 years

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TRIP TO THE MOON? ELON MUSK UNVEILS SPACEX STARSHIP