#and what did i get childhood trauma perfectionism a fear of failure and anxiety

[nerdie-faerie]

Seeing what presents my baby sister gets and realising I really drew the short straw by being the firstborn

[angrypaperearthquake-tbbb-main]

Tonight I spent 3 hours watching Facebook reels instead of working on my fanfiction...

I'll never fully understand the depths of why I do this to myself, but I know it has to be psychological. Let's explore this for a minute, shall we?

People who suffer from high-functioning anxiety can get stuck in a nasty loop of responsibility, perfectionism, and procrastination.

Here's a snazzy venn diagram of what I'm referring to (I made it myself 😁):

Many people who suffer from high functioning anxiety can relate to the three core areas of: hyper-responsibility, intense perfectionism, and overwhelming procrastination. Usually this is brought on by childhood trauma that forced said child to "grow up" faster than normal, in a toxic environment.

Responsibility + perfectionism can cause one to be an over-achiever or be considered a "teacher's pet". You just know you have to succeed at everything. You have acute attention to detail and that random speck on the wall bothers your entire being. This usually comes into play by going above-and-beyond when doing "the thing" at an almost obsessive level.

Perfectionism + procrastination can cause one to have an immense fear of failure. You want everything to be perfect and if it can't be then you just won't do it. Otherwise known as "lazy-perfectionsim". We're not actually lazy, we just don't want to put effort into something that won't be perfect. This usually comes into play when you wait until the last minute to do "the thing" before it's due.

Procrastination + responsibility can cause one have a fear of rejection. Basically you know you have to do "the thing", you want to do "the thing", but what if someone doesn't like how you did "the thing"? This one's tough so I'll use an example to explain it better.

Example: I took the initiative to wash the stove after I cooked dinner. Instead of my mother praising me, she tells me I missed several spots and complains.

Result: My act of responsibility was met with rejection. Now I don't want to do the responsible thing anymore for fear of repeated rejection, which creates a level of procrastination.

When you put all three of these together: responsibility, perfectionism, and procrastination, you get anxiety.

So, how does this play into me watching Facebook reels for 3 hours instead of working on my fanfiction?

I know I have to write it (responsibility), but it has to be perfect (perfectionism). However I don't have enough time to make it perfect (over-achieve), and if it's not perfect it's automatically awful (fear of failure). So now I'm not going to write anything at all (procrastination). But, I know I have to do it (responsibility). Yet, if I do start writing, no one will read it anyway (fear of rejection).

Thus, my anxiety increases and I go do something that doesn't require effort, like watching Facebool reels. Rinse and repeat.

Thank you for coming to my Ted-Talk.

Please note that I LOVE writing and I know people read and enjoy what I write. I just wanted to share the thought process of someone with high-functioning anxiety. I appreciate you all 😊

(Yes, I know the colors don't match, I HATE IT too. The Tumblr font colors did not include yellow. So, now red + orange = pink)