#and what's crazy is that i have at least two weeks' worth of posts queued up on this blog

[tumblasha]

what will happen to me afterwards?

on death and social media - 11 april 2024

(content warnings for ovarian cancer, death of a teacher, death of an online friend, future death, grief)

today, one of my twitter mutuals found out that one of their online friends (known each other for Years) died back in january. they're obviously devastated and it makes me think of a three thoughts that run rampant in my head after every death that happens around me.

it's no secret that my first french teacher in high school died (72 year olds don't really survive ovarian cancer, ya know?). it's no secret that she was one of my favorite teachers. i think a lot about her life. her long-distance husband, the children she's "adopted" by teaching them french for four years (she could never have kids herself), her obsession with turtles. she gave so, so much of herself to her community, over 50 years teaching in my little high school. and she was not celebrated as much as i would've liked. she had a memorial service the saturday after she died, and we all talked to / near her urn in the school gym. the principal didn't give a shit, and her husband didn't show up. the other old faculty member (my us history teacher) retired at the end of the next academic year.

the way i found out was through text. i went through the first stage of denial, saving my grief for four hours later when i fully found out the context behind the "i'm so sorry" sent to the group chat. my french teacher had over 100 turtles, little trinkets she put all over her classroom. and she let each of her students take one home.

for almost a decade now, i've grown quite fond of the community i found on twitter. i made my little fan account, i followed people who were also obsessed with my fav pieces of media, and the rest is history. over the years, i also had to take breaks from being online after reading some "this is X's mom. X passed away last night" tweets or just let a friend fade away after their last tweet ("going into surgery tomorrow! should recover in a few months :3") turned one year old.

and i'm so scared. i think that with the many diseases running rampant on the planet, the lack of secure infrastructure in my country, and other problems, i realize that i could simply go away at any second. and who would know? legally, they have to tell my parents (they're the secondary recipients of health and retirement accounts). legally, they have to tell my job. legally, they don't have to tell anyone else. but i have friends everywhere. the most important ones existing as little icons on my screen or little words in my messaging apps. how the hell are they supposed to know?

when i was a kid, i always imagined myself having at least two weddings: one with my family in peru, one with my spouse's family and our joint community in the united states. now i realize the same might have to happen for my funeral. how am i supposed to plan ahead for that? now that i've finished school, there's never going to be a "guaranteed" place for me to be. i can go anywhere at any time! and none of you have to know!!

there are no conclusions to this ramble. there is only the three threads: online friends leaving but being remembered, people in my real life leaving but being forgotten, and me who will leave someday too. maybe i'll leave behind some turtles, too.

--

author's note: no, i'm not suicidal. you should not express concern to medical professionals over this post. i am healthy and happy to be alive.

[wellamarke]

BING-BONG

Hello, this is your captain speaking. I’d like to apologise for the torrential downpour of drabbles that have been flooding your dashboards these last few weeks, and particularly tonight, when I rattled off 20 in one go. As you may have guessed, I was working toward a specific numerical goal, because tomorrow (if I can still pretend it’s the 29th right now) will be the anniversary of the very first ‘Daily Drabble’ I ever posted. I posted them daily for a fair few months, but tapered off in August. Then in February, I had the mad idea of catching up on all the ones I’d missed, in order to reach 365 by the eve of the anniversary. 

If I’d not been so lazy early on, it would have been a matter of 3 or 4 drabbles each day, but....I am a VERY lazy person where deadlines are concerned, even when I’ve set them myself. So it turned out to be a few days of crazy drabble hell interspersed with the days where I only managed one or two. 

(I will pause now to say that even if you got a notification saying I’d tagged you in this post, you are obviously bY NO MEANS obligated to read any further. Or even this far. Though if you haven’t read this far, I don’t know who I’m talking to. Don’t feel like you have to read my drivel, is what I’m saying, because this got....really embarrassingly long.) 

ANYWAY.

You’ll be pleased to know that the catch-up process is now well and truly at an end, but I’m going to try and restart them as a proper daily project from tomorrow, with just one drabble queued to post each day. Anyone wanna bet that I don’t make it to the end of April before I’m behind? 

But just as a send-off to this whacky li’l era, I’d like to thank some of the people that contributed to it, even if they didn’t know that’s what they were doing. First of all, it’s @iwanttotieyourshoe‘s fault that this project even exists, because I started it not long after MJN March Merriment last year, out of CP-prompt-withdrawal. So if you’re wondering where to direct your complaints - Bryn. ;) 

Also my serial likers and rebloggers - I love you all!!!!! I was going to tag all the regular suspects but I’m bound to leave people out, so I’ll try to limit it to a few little mentions: @theorclair and @upsofloatingmanybellsdown reblog so many of them, thank you!!! And @captain-pineapplegirl, @bendingthewillow and @confidenceandparanoia are the holy trinity of drabble liking. Thank you so much, guys!!! 

Then there’s @clairedrawsairdraws, who joined me on my bandwagon and wrote some of her own ficlets from the same (apparently eternal????) list of prompts -- yassss, high 5! And @sircarolyn, who I consider to be the earthly representative of Ms Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, CEO - and who reblogs so many of these little things with lovely commentary in the tags. (yes, I read all your tags. Everyone’s tags. I live to read tags.) 

Then of course we have @jay-eagle, who must have reblogged nearly all of my 100-word ridiculousnesses at this rate, and @unionjackpillow, who literally has, I’m pretty sure. Thank you sooo much. Even when I post thinking ‘this is a terrible excuse for a drabble what am i even doing’, you two still somehow find it worth reblogging, and that gives me so much life. 

Also on the honour roll is @linguini17, who has said many many lovely things, and frequently helps me to Douglas-ify my character spread by sheer force of enjoyment, and who, let me tell you, has even managed to break my heart over the Fitton Farm AU, which is from?? my own mind??? I don’t know how that was done. But thank you. 

And last, but by literally no means on earth least, thank you to the wonderful Cai, who doesn’t actually have tumblr, but remains a constant part of this blog. So many of these prompts just make me go “?????????????” so I end up texting them to her, and she always has ideas to go with them. It’s like a superpower, at this point. Thanks, Cai, for listening to me complaining when I set myself STUPID challenges like this and for just being generally brilliant. 

And to anyone and everyone else who’s ever forced their eyes over one of my silly little things, thank you!!! You are my friend forever, sorry, no take-backs. 

Thank you for flying with drabble-a-day. 

See you on the flip-side. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[loveandscenerysims4]

Replies: Gabriel and Constance tie the knot <3

Hello All,

Hope you’ve had a good weekend?

I know I’ve not been around much this week, work has been kicking my ass but I gotta make that money so that’s life for you!

However I have been lurking and I’ve just recently got caught up on all my mutuals (can I just say I’m in awe of how much @laylasims posts I don’t know how she manages it. lol)

I’m really pleased that you’re all as happy as I am that Gabriel has ended up with the sweet, intelligent Constance. She will make an excellent mother to Ruby also as tomorrow’s posts will prove.

I have just over two week's worth of posts with the happy couple queued but after that I might take a little hiatus as I have some plans for future stories I want to put in place but to do that I need to download the new vampire pack, build and decorate a mansion that I’ve been planning to create forever and make a few new characters. 

Therefore for only about the 2nd time in 2 years my blog might take a little break in about two week’s time as I simply don’t have the time to keep up with my queue and do all the things I want to do as well as live my life. lol

You can however expect WIP pictures as this mansion will be quite the undertaking if it turns out the way I want it to. 

However for now I have replies so see them below the cut.

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family With the joining of...”

❤❤

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family Once she reached the...”

She's a blushing bride! Lol

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 4 and 5 - Messer Family That Saturday a...”

Beautiful bride!!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family Whilst the happy...”

LOL I'm so happy right now for him. You know how much I hated Selita. How much I wanted Ruby to have a good mother figure.

katssimsdollhouse replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5- Messer Family Gabriel and Constance’s...”

Beautiful pictures!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5- Messer Family Gabriel and Constance’s...”

So pretty!

simsimmajay replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5- Messer Family Gabriel and Constance’s...”

Gorg!!

simpyre replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family Once she reached the...”

I love their outfits! <3

shysimblr replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family Once she reached the...”

aww yay! you go Gabe! <3

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family Once she reached the...”

awww

nadinemaee replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

awww, yes! i'm so glad that Constance won, she'll be a good mother to Ruby <3

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

These two are a great match!

Caaaaan you feel the love tonight? Its where Gabe and Constance are <3 I ship them so hard. She is the woman he always should have been with and I am forever indebted to my buddy @simlishanddreams for bringing her to my game and pointing me in the direction of marvelous cc with an Indian flavour for Constance’s nod to her mother’s heritage. 

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

awww "Mommy Constance"

Yep, that’s Ruby’s spoken acceptance <3

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 3 to 5 - Messer Family The wedding reception...”

Awww I love seeing Megan there

I thought you might. She pops up again later when Constance goes to meet her and Marsha for a coffee. She made good friends in that house.

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play: Generation 4 - Messer Family With the serious part of the...”

What is going on with her right arm? LOL

LMAO I never noticed it until you pointed it out now I can’t stop looking at the unnatural bend of her arm. Dammit. lol. I just liked it as that’s the first time I’ve seen a sim in my game smoosh cake into a another’s face. Normally they feed each other invisible cake on forks *fix that Eaxis dammit*

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Boooty!!

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

lol

Yep Gabriel’s cute booty out in the cold forest. Little weirdo. lol

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Beautiful!

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

This is an incredible shot!

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

OMG...they are too cute!!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

awww that's my girl!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

This is so pretty

nadinemaee replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

awww, i'm soo happy for them!

shachum-cha replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Yeesss!!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

YAY!!

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Yay!!

igglemouse replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Is it a proposal!?

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Okay this is definitely the proposal!

Yep that was definitely the proposal. :-) I waited until the moon rose for maximum romantic effect. I think it worked ;-)

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Okay not a proposal but a non drunken kiss is good too! Lil

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Oooh! This is the proposal isn't it!!

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Such a gentlemen!

zauglom replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

I hope it's about woohoo and not about marriage ��

zauglom replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

I really hope it will be a good show! ^^,

zauglom replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

But there are other more interesting activities that can warm you up a little... and a lot!

simlishanddreams replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Lol at the drunk and awww their first kiss

simaroosimblr replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

If he doesn’t propose there right now I will go into your game and have words with that boy

Y’all are so impatient. lol. I had to let Gabriel at least kiss the girl before he proposed. And Daria get your mind out of my gutter. LMFAO.

igglemouse replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Whoa! Well, her chances certainly....went up in flames! kekekekeke

igglemouse replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Maybe they are around her because of her evil aura XD

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Wow...no love lost at all! Hate to say it, but "bye bitch!"

mysimsloveaffair replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Okay...that was kind of mean, but I'm in one of those moods - lol

tabbyrh replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

What an exit! I do like her sass just don't like her for Gabriel.

katssimsdollhouse replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Good riddance! (Anja is certifiable.) I hope Gabriel is okay.

I had to let Anja leave dramatically, anything less wouldn’t have suited her. I’m keeping her and all the other bachelor ladies in my save though so miss crazy pants might just pop up again. lol

tabbyrh replied to your post “1, 3, 5, 13, 20 and 25! I am a curious person :D”

Can't wait to see your vampire game play!

charmed-sisters replied to your photoset “Legacy Play - Generation 4 - Gabriel Messer - Bachelor Challenge - Day...”

Have you played with any vampires yet!!?

I can’t wait to see my gameplay either but I have not even downloaded the pack yet but I totally will. If only I didn’t have to work. lol

prudence25 replied to your post “WCIF Answer”

you are so sweet ,thank you so much!!!! Hooo no you French is very perfect!!! I am like you, i love Indian jewelry, clothes , all is beautiful!!!!! Thank you again for the link.

Merci bien Prudence. I’m glad you will find that link useful x

[topicprinter]

I grew up watching a show called Ali G. It’s undoubtedly one of the greatest masterpieces of the early 2000s. If you haven’t seen it you’re either 13 years old, over 65, or have terrible taste in TV. Seriously it’s that good of a show.The show involved a guy interviewing a bunch of intellectuals and acting like a complete dumbass during it. Guests even included a young Donald Trump [1], to who Ali pitched the idea of an ice cream glove. Needless to say The Don didn’t invest.Ali would dress like a moron, mispronounce the simplest of words, and say the most absurd roll-on-the-floor-funny things. If you’re not familiar with the show go to Youtube and watch a few clips. [3]Here’s the crazy thing. 90% of interviewees came away thinking Ali was the moron. The idiots couldn’t identify the clear-as-daylight joke being played, nor could they see the fun side of it all. They were so rigid and detached from reality they took everything literally. In turn they came of looking like complete morons..The Dumbest People Always Think They’re The Smartest.Despite the interviewees coming off as stick-up-the-ass stiffs to anyone who watched them, rest assured they came away believing they were smarter than ever. After all meeting such a buffoon like Ali only reinforced how smart and intellectually superior they were.In short they were blind to reality.This is exactly how 90% of the entrepreneur community is. Complete morons. Yet they can’t see it. Let me explain.The whole theme of the entrepreneur sphere is work work work. Focus focus focus. Sacrifice everything. Work 18 hour days, work 7 days a week, work holidays. Don’t buy coffees – instead save the $3 and invest it. Discussions about whether being married or having girlfriends affects success. Don’t take vacations. Sleep 3 hours a day…. And so on.Basically live a life like shit.Don’t get me wrong, I get the premise. The thought being work hard and sacrifice a good time now, for a phenomenal time in the future. I understand the theory completely.The problem with this is two-fold.First, less than 2% of budding entrepreneurs ever become even financially well-off. By this I mean having enough money and savings to live out the last 15 years of their lives without working. The success rate is rock bottom.Second, it’s nothing short of insanity to work away the best years of your life. Time can’t be replaced my friend. It’s about the only thing that can’t. If you’ve ever look back on periods of your life and thought you should’ve used them better – or ever felt old – then guess what this horrid mentality will bite you in the dick later on. This high-work mediocre-pay setup is the ultimate waste of life..Don’t Work Away The Best Years Of Your Life. But Also Don’t Give Up On Earning Money.The world is beautiful baby. Friends, people and lovers are what makes life worth living. There’s fun in the simplest of things. Splashing about in a beautiful clearwater ocean, “wasting” a lazy Sunday afternoon watching a dumb comedy eating pizza, getting drunk and acting like clowns with your friends. That’s what life’s about.NEVER sacrifice all of that just for money. But at the same time understand pizzas, vacations, and hauling your drunk asses into taxis cost money. And the more money you have the more you’ll be able to enjoy the world.Money matters my friend. Anyone saying otherwise is deluded (or wishes it were true so they could be at ease with their lack of money).I’ve always hated the saying “Money can’t buy you happiness”[3]. That’s asking too much from money. But there’s no doubt money helps support happiness if you used smartly – whereas poverty doesn’t..So… What Should You Do?.I didn’t write this article to give you a step-by-step solution. It’s simply a reminder to balance what matters in your life.I quit my office job three years ago because it was killing my soul. I was working something I hated, and giving up my health, relationships and livelihood to do it. I was missing out on the world and what really mattered to me. It’s why I left to work for myself.Admittedly I much preferred working for myself, but it was still at the expense of everything else. I was working every day and barely did or met anyone else. At least before I had my weekends.My bliss came from learning to cut down my hours, by learning to charge a shitload more.In 2014 I was charging between £20-30 an hour – and worked around 45 billable hours [4]. It brought me around £3600 a month. It was mayhem. I felt burnt out. It was shit.Compare this with last year where I worked 19 billable hours total per week. I charged between £100 to £205 per hour and got all the work done from Mon to Wed, giving me four days off to do what I wanted. I brought in close £11,000 a month, and had the time to do more of what I loved. As a result my friendships and relationships with my wife and family have deepened, not to mention I look and feel great.This year I’ve got 4 hours billed at £280 an hour a piece (that’s £4480 guaranteed a month). And I’m hoping to pick up 4 or 5 hours more. And I’m going to get all my work done and dusted on a Monday, and take the other 6 days off to do whatever I want. I’m expecting to earn £8,500 a month.It’s less but who gives a fuck when I get 6 days off. It’s more than plenty to cover expenses, live a life of relative luxury, and put away a big chunk so I can retire hopefully in my 40s (I’m currently 30 years old).For me learning the skill of charging more for what I do has single-handedly transformed my life..The Art Of Charging (Lots) More Money Per Hour.Not everyone is comfortable with charging more money. They either feel secretly guilty to charge so much more than they currently are, or think it’s not possible to get anyone to pay them the kind of fees I’ve talked about.The guilt is a personal issue. Some people mentally can’t bring themselves around to charging a higher fee – even if they have someone who’s willing to pay them. They just wouldn’t be able to quote the fee. If that’s you, I can’t help with that. Either you feel guilty or you don’t. If you do I doubt it’s possible to charge the “super-fees” I’m talking about.If you’re ok with charging the money, but don’t think it’s possible to charge that much – then my friend you are wrong. I understand the thinking, but it’s absolute rubbish.Most people think you need to be an expert to charge mega bucks. They think it takes years of qualifications, experience or you need to have some sort of “reputation” before they have the right to charge even double the average. This is utter crap. You’re self-employed. Nobody chooses this but you.For the record I work in the UK, in an industry where the national average is £22/hour for what I do. You’ll barely see anyone charge even £35/hour. For some reason £30/hour is considered the top-end.As mentioned I have charged £205/hour for what I do. In October I have 4 hours confirmed at £280/hour. Grab a calculator, that’s over 12 times the national average. And remember I only have 3 years of the supposedly sacred “experience” under my belt.Don’t make any mistake about the quality of my work. I’m good at what I do. Truth is most people in any field are shit at what they do. The “average” market rate reflects crap work. If you’re not shit at what you do you should be charging more.There’s always someone willing to spend big money to find the right person. Believe me people piss away big money on dumber things all the time… (Just think of low income people queuing up in their thousands to buy the newest iPhone).Anyway that’s enough for now. Hopefully this little ramble has opened your eyes to the dumbness of working your life away, and more importantly to that you can and should charge more (assuming you can actually do what you claim to).SIDE RAMBLE POINTS FROM POST ABOVE[1] I’m not pro-trump nor am I anti-trump like much of the fundamental left-winged corners of internet and by no means want to be associated with that crap on either side. I respect any man who’s made something of himself – but have absolutely no care for politics. Saying that watch Ali Pitch to Trump here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkuOuxRD1Bc[2] Who knows, maybe this birthed Dragons Den (or Shark Tank for you American readers)[3] Trust me it’s better than the poor ball-less excuses for comedies like Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mum[4] A tired cliché spewed by many including my mum. Did I mention we grew up kinda poor for a while? (Now I think about it, she seemed to say it less once my dad made some more money. Hmmm…)[5] I say billable hours, because I worked outside of that preparing stuff. I estimate it was around 15 hours, so likely worked 60-odd hour weeks. It was a piece of shit time..If you want to learn what I've learnedIf you liked the post and found it helpful or insightful in some way then please upvote and leave a comment. It takes a buttload of time and effort to churn out one of these articles. You pour your heart into it, and a comment means the world to a writer. Otherwise it's like writing for a brick wall.I'm also in the process of writing my new ebook The 10 Dark Laws of Charging (and Getting) Monster-Fees.You can grab it by heading over to my site The High Fee Club and entering the asked details in the sidebar (or bottom of page if viewing on mobile).I warn you in advance that I will ask for your email. That's completely your choice. Remember, I'm not sticking a gun to your head.The book contains the methods and strategies which have worked for me. Every word in the book comes from personal experience. The material inside isn't always pretty, but it works. You won't see me regurgitating material I know nothing about. It's 100% Free but I do ask for your email address. (Simply enter your details into the website sidebar - or at the bottom of the page if you're viewing it on a mobile device)By all means feel free to ask any questions. I'm out and about the whole day so won't be back for a good few hours, but I'd love to answer any cool questions once I'm back.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 60, July 2017

On Monday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today I felt like I was really productive, in the right mindset and trying hard to improve my technique. It’s getting a lot easier to open up to Luke now. The awkward tension is slowly dissipating. I even took the opportunity to be really honest with him post-workout. We basically exchanged hard truths and it felt good. I feel like if something is weighing heavily on my mind, I need to express it. Luke can’t read my mind and it’s better than pretending everything’s fine. It builds trust and it creates transparency.

WARM-UP...Today I used a rubber ball into the hips and lower groins, lying down on my side and on my back. Next I did some forward folding stretches over the box and also did a cowboy walk down the track. The exposure to how stupid I must of looked didn’t even bother me today because I was so focused on the burning through my knees, groin and buttocks. I’m slowly letting go of what others think about me and that’s a really good thing.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my back squats again, doing 5 rounds of 5 reps. This time, I was trying hard to improve my technique of sinking down low enough and keeping my chest lifted up. It’s a difficult balance to maintain but because I was only lifting about 40-50kg, it was easier to concentrate on my form. It wasn’t perfect but it was much better than last time and I didn’t leave beating myself up and feeling a failure. That’s success right there. Luke also decided to play some Britney Spears which certainly helped me keep focused.

WORKOUT...For the workout, I ended up doing some sled pulls and pushes along the green track. The first round was at 20kg. Luke was explaining that this was meant to be a sprint and therefore I’d want to be moving as fast as possible. My first attempt wasn’t the greatest but eventually I was getting better at it. At 30-40kg, the fatigue was kicking in hard and I really couldn’t move that fast at all. I was also a little too conscious about bumping into something going backwards and kept checking over my shoulder but otherwise I did okay.

Completing the workout was an achievement for me. The fact that I was out of breath and unable to talk shows that I did put 100% effort in. However the truth is that personal bests, records and times aren’t things that really motivate me that much. I don’t define myself and my progress by a number. It’s what makes me unique in the world of Crossfit and Strength Training. People may think that I’m crazy or not serious about my training, but that is far from the truth. Showing up, not giving up and smashing out a workout is what defines me. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Monday night, I attended my first class of the Foundation Meditation course at Brahma Kumaris Centre for Spiritual Learning, The Peninsula. Finding the place wasn’t too difficult despite the lack of streetlights. Walking into the main building and reception area, I felt a little intimidated and cautious about being here. Then I noticed that all of the staff there were all wearing white garments. Oh god, have I just stepped into a spiritual/religious cult? Is this a convent or a mental hospital? Thankfully none of these things...so far.

I filled in a registration form at the front desk before proceeding upstairs to my class. The large room contained a screen featuring a diagram of focused light rays on a red background and a collection of 9 red chairs all arranged in a uniform pattern. My anxiety began kicking in now and of course I was the first to arrive. I met the facilitator named Angie, removed my shoes and found myself a seat in the back row. The other students then back flowing into the room before the class began at 7pm.

The class contained a mixed of theory and practical elements. We learned about the different types of thoughts including positive, negative, elevated, ordinary and waste. The last one, waste, makes up 90-95% of our total thoughts and include things from our past (blame, bitterness, regret and guilt) and our future (doubt, fear and worry). Angie described thoughts as a flow of energy out into the atmosphere and that having awareness of what we are thinking and experiencing is really important in order to overcome and change it.

We also learned about the acronym for SOS...STOP (Having the realisation/awareness), OBSERVE (What it is that you are thinking?) and STEER (Steer my thoughts in a more positive direction. For example, what are my best qualities?). Finally, we discussed the four stages of meditation. These include Relaxation (relaxing the body), Contemplating (thoughts are taking a positive turn e.g. I am happy, I am peaceful), Concentration (just experiencing or feeling), Realisation (deep internal stillness and having very few thoughts). http://brahmakumaris.org.au/events/...

On Tuesday afternoon, I went to a Christmas in July social function with the Narre Warren Walking Group at Cardinia Park Hotel in Beaconsfield. I was still feeling a bit restless from last night but getting out was exactly what I needed. The bistro was pretty cozy though the heater was on full blast and making me more drained than usual. The two long tables were buzzing with conversation and it seemed like everyone was happy to see Mum and myself there.

The meals were a little on the expensive side but I honestly couldn’t complain about the service or the portion size. I ordered the calarami with chips and salad. It was extremely filling to say the least. The conversations around me where polite and I did try to engage with a few of them but it was hard maintaining my focus. I find staying in large social groups to be exhausting after a certain period of time and I was ready to leave by the 1.5-2 hour mark. Still I’m glad I came. http://www.cardiniaparkhotel.com.au/...

On Tuesday night, I drove down to my friend Michael McLaren’s place in Bayswater to pick up my Oceans To Athena hoodie. Most people would think I’m either nuts or dedicated driving 45 minutes to an hour just to pick up some merch but I had another reason for coming down. Social connection. Something that’s been really lacking in my life lately. So the long drive didn’t bother me at all and I knew how to get there, considering it was very close the The Barn Live.

I chilled out in Michael’s living room with his girlfriend Holly, roommate and his friendly dog Obi. The wall heater was on and I was sipping on a cup of green lemon tea whilst listening to the conversations. I didn’t stay too long as I intended to go to my Body Balance class straight after. However, when I was driving back to Narre Warren, I was feeling noticeably drained and worn out. Plus the peak-hour traffic didn’t help matters. Even if I did make it in time, I’d be rushing to get there and honestly it wasn’t worth the stress. Sometimes it’s better to listen to your body and do what’s best for you at the time.

On Wednesday morning, I attended my Restorative yoga class with Kim Lousada at Now, Yoga.. Honestly, I haven’t really been functioning well the last couple of days. My sleep patterns have been terrible. I’ve been feeling unmotivated, restless and worn out. And I’ve also been feeling quite down and depressed about my life. So this class was exactly what I needed today. To walk out of that studio feeling revitalized, refreshed and joyful. It’s the reason why I continue to do yoga because of all the benefits I get out of it. http://nowyoga.net.au/

Today we did a series of supported variations of poses including pigeon pose, wide legged forward fold, side stretches and butterfly pose using bolsters, blocks and blankets. My hips were noticeably tight and so pigeon pose really helped in opening up that area and increasing the stretch. I didn’t go too deep with it today but it still felt good. Kim used a quote from Bruce Lee about “becoming like water” which means adapting to changes in life. She also read the quote “This too shall pass”, which is a Persian adage referring to feelings and mental states not being permanent. http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/163...

On Thursday. Mum and I spent the day out in the city together. Firstly, we had an 11.30am reservation at the NGV The Tea Room for tea and lunch. We ordered the devonshire tea with scones plus a selection of finger sandwiches and two desserts. It’s not very often that we dine in style so we made the most of it.

Next, we queued up to purchase tickets to the Van Gogh and the Seasons at NGV inside the Great Hall. The queue was ridiculously long but that was no surprise considering the exhibition ends this week and it’s also the school holidays. It took us just over an hour to get to the front of the line but I bemused myself by overhearing conversations around me and checking out some male eye candy.

The exhibition began with a short video explaining the life and a brief history of Vincent Van Gogh. He was born in Zundert, Netherlands on 30 March, 1853. Starting out as an art dealer, he soon followed in his father’s footsteps in turning to religion and becoming a Protestant missionary in Belgium. However, this venture was short-lived as his true passion for painting quickly emerged in 1881. His brother Theo supported him both financially and compassionately during his art career.

In 1886, Van Gogh moved to Paris, getting himself involved in the avant garde and impressionist movements. His paintings were heavily influenced by the likes of Emile Bernard, Paul Gauguin and Claude Monet. Van Gogh suffered from mental disorders including depression, loneliness, social isolation and several psychotic episodes. This lead to a fight with Gauguin, which resulted in him chopping off his own ear. He was later admitted to Saint Remy, a local psychiatric asylum, before shooting himself in the chest with a revolver and dying in 1890.

In terms of his artwork collection, the exhibition was divided up into four sections representing each of the seasons: Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer. Van Gogh correlated each season with particular moods, feelings, colours, people, animals, flowers and other landscape features. Autumn featured large trees and woodland as well as shades of browns and oranges. Winter featured dark renderings, shadowy figures in snow fields and willowy peach trees. Spring featured blossoming orchards, cows and farm workers. Summer featured wheat fields and varying tones of yellow. Van Gogh also did a series of still life paintings featuring vases containing sunflowers, roses, poppies and irises as well as collections of fruit. https://www.ngv.vic.gov.au/exhibiti...

On Friday morning, I had my counselling session with Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. I decided to invite my mum along again today for support. Today I talked about how unmotivated and low I’ve been feeling this week. Beginning with my PT session with Luke on Monday, I had the courage to speak up about what truly motivates me and be assertive about it. Both my mental state and the colder weather has affected me as my energy levels have quickly depleted during the day. Physically, I just haven’t felt like going out at night unless I really had to.

Mum was also really concerned about how I’m going to cope being alone in the house next week while she and Rod are in Queensland for their anniversary. At least I’ve managed to put a few plans in place for myself like my Movie Night, PT sessions, yoga, fitness classes, meditation, art galleries, gigs, reading and puzzles. Plus I’ll be cooking for myself which I’m sure I’ll manage. I’m just going to stick to easy to prepare meals with few ingredients. It doesn’t have to be Masterchef.

On Friday afternoon, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I was rushing from place to place all morning and had no time to slow down, relax and have lunch. Plus a lot of negative stuff was building up inside of me and had to be released somehow. Honestly, I did have good intentions walking into today’s session but everything just quickly went downhill fast during my workout.

WARM-UP...Today I started by doing some standing forward bends, stretching into the sides and touching my toes. Yoga really has helped in regards to improving my flexibility. Next, I had to do 3 rounds of 8 single arm kettle bell deadlifts, essentially going into a Warrior 3 pose and having to balance my leg behind me. My balance was pretty terrible today but I kept trying and eventually got the hang of it.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my deadlifts again, this time doing 5 rounds of 3 at 90kg. Luke was giving me plenty of hints in order to correct my posture and technique whilst lifting. I was trying so hard not to take these critiques personally but my mental illness proved stronger today. I was starting to get frustrated and impatient with myself but my lifts were improving with each round and I tried hard to make each rep count.

WORKOUT...Today I used a Strongman Yoke for the first time, which is essentially a large metal frame that can be loaded up with plates. At first I was doing okay and slowly adjusting to the swaying motion of the side bars. I was finding it difficult to keep myself centered whilst lifting it up and also trying to pace myself with the walk. When it came to the last reps of the workout, I was lifting around 80kg or so and it was getting really tough on my neck and shoulders.

The physical and mental pressures were both bubbling up inside of me and I was ready to explode. I couldn’t shut my negative thoughts off (That’s not good enough, Don’t drop the frame, You’re a failure) and then it came out: I AM NOT A FUCKING FAILURE! I made a beeline to the nearest box and sat down, hands over my face, shedding a river of tears. I felt so embarrassed in that moment a) for letting the pressure get to me and b) for making such an uncharacteristic outburst in front of Luke.

The truth was that I was really angry at myself and I basically letting my mental illness off for interfering during my workout. I’d had enough. Part of me was also trying way too hard to please Luke and not disappoint him. I wanted to be “good enough” in his eyes and yet I felt like I couldn’t do anything right today. He assured me that I should be happy with the effort I put in but of course I wasn’t in the mindset to believe him or care. I just want you to be proud of me. I’m sorry that I failed you.

On Friday night, I attended my RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. This was a very last minute decision as I felt like I needed some high intensity exercise tonight rather than sitting at home or going out to a gig and replaying today’s events over and over in my head. I needed to release these internal demons and rid myself of this “I’m not good enough” mindset bouncing around inside my head. I needed to feel better about myself mentally.

Tonight’s class was instructed by Matt who was filling in for Natalie Blanch. It was a mixture of releases 40 and 72 which included the tracks Seal - If It’s In My Mind, It’s On My Face, Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well, The Cranberries - Zombie, Seven Lions - Falling Away and Andrew Rayel - Rise Of An Era. It was hitting around 70-80RPM for the easy ride sections, up to 85RPM for the standing cycle sections and 110-130RPM for the racing sections. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

I immersed myself fully in the workout, taking in the trance and club songs as I was pedaling and imagining the cycle studio becoming something like a nightclub with green laser lights and DJ’s on the decks. It’s amazing what exercise can do for the mind and body. I was able to quieten those loud negative thoughts from earlier today and just focus on cycling. I always seem to sweat heaps in these classes which is a really good thing because it means I’m working hard. https://greatist.com/fitness/13-awe...