#and will those bad things define a man who earnestly tries to change etc etc

[yujikuna]

I wonder if you’d rather fix Toji or make him worse?

i have no interest in having a toxic relationship with toji im fixing that man. toji is like a stray cat in the sense that at first he comes and goes as he pleases and is slightly a nuisance and wants to take advantage of any kindness shown to him yet lashes out and runs away if you pet him the wrong way. eventually comes slinking back ready to cause problems again and is so surprised when the door is open and dinner is almost ready that he just ends up staying.

[becuzpurple]

NUMB, chapter 1 - Clean Slate

Well, chapter 1 is finally done - enjoy!

(link to previous chapter - intro)

CHAPTER 1 - Clean Slate

December

I ended the call, sitting alone at the small, corner table in disbelief.  After a minute I realized my feet were happy-dancing and I was grinning like a loon in public.

I glanced around the tiny cafe as I took another sip of my hot salted caramel mocha. Thankfully, no one was paying me any attention.

Well, I wanted to change things up, right?  Start fresh...clean slate?  This would certainly do that in a major way.

I got the job!

...

I had six weeks to get my life in order, not that there was very much to do in that respect, before leaving.  I’d already found someone to take over my lease. I still had a month before I needed to give notice at the restaurant.  I didn’t own a car, and had no outstanding loans or any other recurring payments, so there were no loose strings to tie up there, either. My sister agreed to take my cat and let me use her address as my own for any official documentation (banking, etc). And then...my new home would be on the road for at least the next year, assuming everything worked out.

It seemed almost too good to be true - work I love, good pay, lots of travel, and I’d get to practically disappear.  That last thought made me pause and wonder if what I was actually doing was running away from something, albeit legitimately. But, no?  I’d be working within my chosen career, and there was really no one or thing left to run away from.  I wasn’t keeping any secrets from family or friends - they knew about the new job.  I told myself that what I was doing was starting over with a clean slate.  That sounded much better than running away from mistakes and bad memories.

-------

February

I’d been hired as one of two head chefs for Ed Sheeran’s world stadium tour - to actually tour with him (!).  I couldn’t have known beforehand, but he and his team are apparently well-known within the industry for being very close-knit with and taking very good care of their people - even those in catering, it would seem.  I still can’t believe I landed this position.  And to think it never would have happened if Brandon hadn’t left - I’d still be in an unhealthy relationship, still cooking at the same restaurant with no opportunity for advancement, still living an unfulfilling life.  I don’t really believe in fate, or that ‘things happen for a reason’.  I think life is more a series of random happenings, influenced by any number of factors.  But I will say that in this case, losing Brandon seemed to have helped me land my dream job.

I’d so far met Ed briefly, a handful of times, and he was lovely. He’s down to earth, humble...very likable.  He remembered my name after meeting me only once, which surprised me, since I know he meets a stupid number of people every day.  He calls me ‘Samantha’.  I usually go by just ‘Sam’, but for some reason I’ve never corrected him.   

I inherited an abundantly stocked mobile kitchen, complete with state-of-the-art appliances and gadgets.  When I inquired about procuring one or two additional pieces, not an eye was batted.  Turns out I’m allocated a generous monthly budget just for things like that.

There are two catering teams, and a very nice man named Jonas Brandt is the head of the other one. He’s from Germany, in his late 40’s, with a wife and two young boys back home. He worked Ed’s arena tour last year, and is a wonderful friend and mentor to me.  He was quite happy with my hire, and confident in my abilities, so that’s a great boost of confidence for me, too.

This job demands a lot, and much of it doesn’t even involve food, directly. There’s a lot of planning involved.  I found I have to be about 5 steps ahead to make sure everything is ready when we get to each new location.  My team and I rotate with Jonas and his team - one feeds the advance crew as they set up everything days before the show while the other stays with the rest of the crew who don’t need to be there until the day before or day of the show.

In addition to the huge amount of background work and planning, I oversee the actual food preparation and service, as well.  There is a very strong social aspect to sharing meals - it brings people together, literally, and I want in on that. These were generally very nice, fun, happy folks, and I love being a part this wacky, traveling family of friends.

-------

March, Dunedin, New Zealand

I screwed up.  Well, someone on my team did, but that means it falls on me. My planned menu for that night sort of fell apart.  We were to serve Kiwi burgers as the main entree that evening, and Hokey Pokey ice cream for dessert - both local favorites.  Someone dropped the ball, and one of the main elements of Kiwi burgers, beetroot, wasn’t ordered, nor was the specialty ice cream. To make matters worse, I didn’t personally receive word of this oversight until food prep was already underway.  I made a few frantic phone calls, but it was too late to pull together an order as large as what was needed. I still had plenty of food for everyone, including gourmet burgers - just not Kiwi burgers...no local flair.  It was something I had started to pride myself in - the daily tie-ins or nods to the cuisine of wherever we happened to be.  I was...not happy.

At the very last minute I was able to score an enormous amount of Jaffas, the sugar-coated, orange-flavored chocolate balls that are a favorite among New Zealanders.  Between those and the supply of plain, old vanilla ice cream and mini apple pies we already had in the freezer, there were plenty of sweets for after dinner.  But that hardly made up for what I considered a failed main course.

I had no idea if anyone besides my staff and myself even realized that the meal wasn’t quite what it was supposed to be.  I must have been in the mood to punish myself, though, because I hovered near the food stations while everyone collected their meals, hoping to gauge their reactions.

No one appeared to even notice, and if they did, no one said anything.  They seemed perfectly oblivious to the beetless state of the burgers, and didn’t even realize they were missing out on specialty ice cream.  Leave it to me to build things up in my head like that.  I felt a little stupid about it, but I can’t help holding myself up to high standards - I’m a perfectionist.

Eventually, I started to make my way back to the kitchen, to take a moment and finally breathe, but before I made it back there I heard someone calling my name.

“Samantha!”  

I looked back to see Ed waving me over to the dessert station.  He’d apparently just filled several red Solo cupfuls of Jaffa balls which were lined up on the table in front of him.  I was a little surprised to see him - he practically never eats with us.  He’s usually either out with friends or busy working with industry colleagues when he’s not on stage - the man's schedule is insane.  So it was just my luck that the one time he was actually there to eat was when I had my big food fail.

I returned his smile with a slightly awkward grin and wave, and backtracked to the dessert station.

“Do you need help with those?”  Because helping Ed Sheeran carry hundreds of tiny chocolate balls would be a totally normal thing, right?  

What is my life? 

He gave me a quick look before returning his attention to the eight or so cups full of candies in front of him, biting his lower lip as he pondered.

“Nah, I think...yeah!”  He grunted triumphantly as he quickly arranged the cups into two groups of four, and picked them all up with fingers extended into each cup.  He looked like a happy lobster proudly waving his claws at me, but he was a little too exuberant about it and Jaffa balls were soon bouncing out of the cups onto the floor.

“Ohhh...”

He looked so abashed I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Um.  That’s not...that wasn’t supposed to happen...”

“Aw, and you were so happy, too,”  I giggled.  We both got down on our hands and knees to collect the wayward Jaffas.

He grinned right back at me lifting an eyebrow mischievously.  “I’m really sorry I dropped my balls on the floor.  Thanks for helping me pick up my balls.”

“I...wow.  You’re welcome, I guess?  Any time.”

I could feel my face flushing, and I know he saw it, too, because he gave me a look of amused pity.

“Sorry,” he murmured.

“No, no, it’s fine.  Here, give those over.”  I held out my hands.  I’ll toss them in the kitchen trash.” 

As he did so, a girl with long, curly brown hair passed nearby, curiously looking over at us on the floor.  She gave me a friendly grin, and then demanded of Ed, “What are you up to?  Are you bothering this nice lady?”

“No!  Samantha just...took my dirty balls...”

She looked at him blankly for a moment, then turned to me.  I held out my handful of Jaffa balls for her to see, only slightly mortified.

Shaking her head, she answered, “Right.  Carry on, then,” and continued on her way.

We both grinned after her for a second or two, and then got up and headed to the kitchen.  

“That was Lauren, by the way.  Have you met?”

“No, not yet, but I definitely like her.”

I dumped the dirty Jaffas into a bin and turned back to Ed.

“So, um, I really needed a laugh right about now, so thanks,” I murmured.

“Yeah?  Everything okay?”  We were standing fairly close - right about where personal space becomes defined, and all of his focus was on me.  He has a very sincere face, and really pretty eyes...

I mentally shook myself. Anyway... “Yeah, I was just...stressed about a job thing.” I tried to shrug it off but he was having none of it.

“What, this job? Here?”

“No, it’s nothing, really.  It's fine.”  

He looked so earnestly concerned, almost as if he was personally affronted that my job, which existed because of him, could cause me any stress.  So, I found myself telling him all about the Kiwi Burger Problem.

“Beetroot?”

“Yeah, it’s...a thing here, I guess.  You were all supposed to get an authentic New Zealand meal tonight.”

“Huh.  Well, if it makes any difference, I don’t think anyone here is the wiser. The burgers were fab.  I mean, I would have tried it, for sure...but beetroot on burgers does sound kind of weird.”

I huffed out a quiet laugh, nodding.  “Yeah. ‘When in Rome’, right?  Well,” I shrugged, “At least you got the Jaffa balls...”

At the mention of the Jaffas he looked back towards the dessert station, where he’d left the rest of his candies.  “Oh - gotta go get m’balls!”

I stayed where I was, leaning against the door frame, grinning after him as he made his way back to the dessert station for his...balls.  I knew right then, as he repeated his lobster claw-grab of the cups of candy, that I was going to immensely enjoy knowing him. 

“Been a pleasure, Samantha, see ya soon.”  This time he didn’t wave his already-occupied hands, but nodded at me instead, as he left.  

“Likewise.  Enjoy your balls, Ed,” I called after him.

Only after he was gone did I realize I forgot to even mention the Hokey Pokey ice cream.

---

(next chapter)

As always, I really appreciate any and all feedback.  Likes, comments, reblogs, messages/questions/comments...it’s all good!

 It’s really hard to find motivation to write when you have no idea if anyone likes or cares about what you’re putting out there.  So PLEASE share your thoughts!

-BP💜