#and... kissing men who wear unicorn masks i guess

[one-winged-dreams]

WAIT HOLD ON, BACK TO KH

to be at my most utter 'would piss off the lore whores in the most horrific way'

What if someone who had Luxu's role as watcher but on the OPPOSITE side?

[acecorvid]

Sick Day [Spideypool/Spiderfam fic]

Sorry it’s been so long since a Spiderfamily update! It’s been a really weird and busy start to 2019 and I’m on a somewhat social media break? But more fics will be coming soon!

It took all of six seconds for Wade to realize he’d come home to chaos and considering he’d been in three gun fights only hours before, that was definitely saying something.

“Thank fuck you’re here,” Peter growled. His voice was much deeper and gravelly than it usually was. It was sexy. Quite sexy. Maybe the most sexy of all the-

“Hey! Fuckface! Eyes on me. Focus-” although the last part of ‘focus’ was coughed out onto Wade’s face.

“Ew, Spidey-germs. Does that mean I’m gonna get spidey-powers now?”

“You never get sick, Wade. Healing factor, remember?”

“That’s mutanist. You’re being- you’re falling over actually okay let’s get you to a flat surface.” Wade caught Peter in his arms mid-sentence as he started to tilt a little too far to the left. He propped Peter up against his own chest, turning his face so that if he coughed, he’d cough in a direction that wasn’t Wade’s tattered and bloody suit.

The falling over and apparent fever that Wade could feel through this suit didn’t stop Peter from rambling. “Gwen needs cough medicine. Peni needs a hot water bottle. Porker needs a lot of Kleenex. Noir needs some kind of old timey remedy that has too many ingredients and probably heroin so scratch that and just get him ibuprofen.”

“And Peter B. needs to lie down because he’s got the highest fever I’ve ever felt and I had cancer, my dude.”

“Don’t call me-” Peter’s coughing fit cut him off and he buried his face into Wade’s chest once again. “Don’t call me dude.”

“And Miles needs more blankets!”

Wade turned to the couch to see one Miles Morales peeking his head up from the couch.

“Miles?” Peter also turned to look but Wade assumed he got dizzy because he just put his face back on Wade’s chest. “You’re still here? I thought you went home.”

“You said there was a Spidey quarantine!”

Peter paused in Wade’s arms. “I guess I did say that. Okay. And Miles needs more blankets.”

“And water, please.”

“Don’t be greedy.”

Miles groaned and dropped back onto the couch and out of sight.

Wade stared at the back of the couch for a moment before he unceremoniously picked Peter up and starts to carry him upstairs.

“This isn’t what I asked for.”

“But it’s what you’re getting. Gotta get you into bed, old man. Have you always been this heavy? I feel like maybe-”

“Do not kick a man when he’s down,” Peter growled into Wade’s shoulder but he clings harder to him. He’s still clinging when Wade plants him down on their bed and tries to pull away.

“You’re warm,” is Peter’s only answer when Wade asks him what he’s doing.

“And you’re on fire. Didn’t you want me to help out the other spiders?”

“Leave them to die, cuddles are more important.”

Instead of doing any of that, Wade pulled away and was surprised at how easily he slipped out of Peter’s grasp this time. He was weak and pliant, which only made Wade worry more as he pressed a soft kiss to Peter’s forehead.

“Get some rest, old man.”

Peter grumbled and groaned, but he rolled over and cuddled one of the fluffy pillows on their bed, seemingly obeying Wade’s words for once. Wade was sure he’d be asleep within minutes of leaving the room.

As he walked down the hall, ready to go check on the spider-kids, he pulled out his phone and shot his reliable weapon’s dealer a quick text message and a list of everything he would be needing.

-

-

-

“You know, when I got your message this isn’t exactly what I was expecting,” Weasel held out six bags full of pharmaceuticals, Kleenex, and everything else the poor sick spiders would be needing. Weasel took in Wade’s form as he handed the bags over the threshold of the doorway. He blinked wildly, took of his thick glasses to rub them clean on his shit, put them back on, and continued to stare. “Also wasn’t expecting that.”

Wade, completely free of his usual suit and mask, was wearing a blue and white unicorn onesie and a pink frilly apron. With all the spiders sick, someone had to clean house, and that someone was well equipped with the best outfit for the job.

“It’s the uniform of a providing father, Wease.”

Weasel stared blankly at him. Clearly he did not believe or understand anything out of the mercenary’s mouth.

“Is that meds?” Gwen had snuck up behind Wade and he would have scolded her for leaving her bed but she was leaning heavily against his side for support. He’d never seen any of his spiders so weak. Gwen reached around him and rummaged through the bags until she found a package of cough medicine. “Thank fuck!” Gwen pressed a kiss to Wade’s cheek before turning and launching herself over the back of the couch to land directly on top of Miles judging by the yelp and groan that followed. He could not understand how she could still be this nimble when she was burning up with a fever.

“I got the stuff!”

After Miles recovered he lifted his head over the couch again, “Thanks Dad Number 3!”

“What the shit, Wade?”

Wade turned back to Weasel who looked completely shell shocked. He was staring into the house, eyes wide with disbelief.

“Is this where you’ve been this whole time? Everyone’s been asking for you at the bar, wondering why you’ve just been picking up jobs over the phone instead of coming in, and you’ve been… playing house with someone else’s kids? Who are these kids? Whose kids are they? What the-”

“Lot of questions, buddy. Slow down, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Did you kidnap and brainwash a bunch of children, Wade?”

“Yes, Weasel. It’s a big conspiracy where I brainwash random kids to become mutant mercenaries not unlike myself and get them to do my bidding.”

“Al’s not gonna like this, Wade.”

“Weasel. I’m not. Obviously.”

Weasel looked from the couch, where two heads were poking up with curiosity, back to Wade. “Whatever’s going on here isn’t obvious.”

Wade sighed and shoved Weasel out of the doorway and stepped outside, closing the door behind him, much to the dismay of the two eavesdroppers inside.

“Look, you can’t tell anyone. I mean it this time, buddy. Tell anyone and I will personally slice your balls off and feed them to you on a silver platter.”

“Not the most creative threat you’ve given me but okay, noted.”

“I got married to a perfectly normal man from this dimension. His name is Peter and he has two children who are definitely both his biological spawn and they’re technically my kids now through marriage. That’s it. That’s the whole deal. And they’re defenseless little normal humans so I can’t let anyone know about them because any of my enemies could find out and hunt them down. Can’t have that. So no words out of your mouth, got it?”

Weasel stared at him for a moment before nodding, “Yup, absolutely everything out of your mouth was a lie but I can’t even begin to fathom the truth of it so- you got it bud. Not a word. Just promise me you’re not doing anything weird or skeevy or more illegal than the usual illegal shit we do.”

“Scout’s honor!”

“You’re not a- yeah okay, sure. You’re welcome for the care package. Hope the kiddies feel better soon.”

“Me too, who knew spider-people could get this sick.”

“Sorry what?”

“What?”

“The what people?”

“What what?”

Weasel rolled his eyes, waving his hand dismissively as he walked away. “Whatever Wade. You can tell me when you’re ready. Let me know when you’re ready for another mission.”

“Will do, buddy!” Wade gave him a two-finger salute before heading back inside and promptly running into Gwen and Miles who were obviously backing up from leaning against the wall. They somewhat successfully steadied each other despite looking like they were going to collapse at any moment. Gwen folded her arms and gave Wade a stern look, possibly to overcompensate for being caught. Miles glanced at her and immediately followed suit.

“Are you cheating on Pops?”

“Ye-yeah! Are you cheating on Dad Number 2?”

Wade rolled his eyes, sighing loudly as he put his arms around the two kids and lifted them up, carrying them back to the couch and plopping them down.

“Nothing or no one could make me cheat on your dad. I am faithful till the end. Sometimes beyond the end. With the exception of men that time travel and have metal arms… then sometimes I’m not the most faithful person but it’s an understandable thing. Like one of those freebie lists. You get me?”

Both Gwen and Miles shook their heads.

“Good! Now,” Wade dug through the bags he’d left in the entryway and plopped down a box of Kleenex, bottle of painkillers, two bottles of gatorade, and other supplies onto the laps. “Take some drugs, get some sleep, and feel better!”

“You’re a weird dude, Mr. Deadpool Dad,” Gwen mumbled as she crawled under one of the many blankets Miles had accumulated on the couch - including the ones that Gwen brought down when she was tired of being in her room alone.

“And you’re a weird kid.”

“But you’re good to have around. Love you and all that.”

“Ditto,” Miles chimed in though his eyes were already closed.

“Love you two and all that,” Wade repeated and patted them both on their heads before gathering up the supplies and spreading it out among the other spiders. Noir put up a bit of a fight when it came to all the meds, insisting that he read all the labels and wondering why there wasn’t certain now outlawed ingredients in them but eventually he got him to take many of the night time pills and put him back to bed. Peni was curled up with her tiny spider that somehow looked as sick as she did, so he left all the meds and supplies on her night stand and gave her a kiss on the forehead. He did not want to talk about what he saw in Porker’s room. He left seven boxes of Kleenex for him and left immediately.

Back in Peter’s room, Wade slipped in to find Peter soundly asleep on the bed, covers haphazardly wrapped around him. He put down the last bag next to the bed and gently crawled in next to Peter, brushing his hair out of his face.

Peter grumbled as he woke, rolling over to look Wade in the eyes. “Are the others okay?”

“They’re better. Gwen and Miles are particularly lively.”

“Not surprising.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like hell froze over.”

Wade reached behind him and pulled the bag up onto the bed. “I came prepared then!”

“Ah yes! I knew there was a reason I kept you around. You’re the best.” Peter made grabby-hands at the bag and in any other circumstance, Wade would pull the bag out of his grasp. But he wasn’t one to torment the sick so he gave in.

“Only useful as an errand boy, I see how it is.”

“Oh, you’re useful for other things too. I just don’t have the energy for any of those right now.”

“You don’t have the energy for bacon and eggs and pancakes?”

“Ugh, please don’t mention food to me right now.”

Wade patted Peter back and kissed his shoulder as he downed some meds, and then Peter turned his body into Wade’s. “The kids are all taken care of then?”

“Hm? Yeah they’re good,” Wade answered.

“Cuddle with me?”

Wade smirked, moving to lie on his back and letting Peter snuggle up close to his side, “We’ve got to get you sick more often if you’re going to be this affectionate.”

“I will gladly be affectionate with you every day if I don’t have to feel like this ever again.”

“Hm, I’ll look into it.”

“I don’t like the sound of that and whatever twisted experiment you’re scheming of but okay, sounds like a plan.” Peter buried his face in Wade’s shoulder and promptly fell back to sleep. All through the house, Wade could hear subtle coughs and groans, making it hard for him to fall asleep, but this was his family and he would always protect and take care of them.

(first) (next)

[alswonderland]

Is That a Thong?

paring: Peter Parker x reader

plot: Peter finds a thong in readers stuff. 

A/n: I suck at plots, anyway I didn’t do much writing so iIhope I can make up for the loss. 

warning: Wade, that should be enough. 

word count: 722

It was Y/n’s day off from training. Y/n would usually spend her day off lazing out, but Wade was forcing her to out with him. He said something about having a girls day out. It was more of girl and merch with a mouth day. 

“Wade, are you done yet?” she whined. Y/n was sitting between two pile of clothing both for men and women. She didn't even bother asking why Wade had to try on every piece of clothing in the store. All he wanted to do was get something special for Vanessa, it was there 3 year anniversary after all. 

“So how is Peter?” Wade rolled the ‘r’. Y/n thought about her boyfriend and wondered what he was doing, ‘he’s most probably having fun with the gang’ she thought. It’s not that Y/n didn’t like spending time with Wade, in fact she loves it, but right now it was just down right annoying.

Wade picked out something for Vanessa a long time ago and paid for it too, he even got something for him and his stuffed toy unicorn. 

“hey writer, she has a name you know it’s Uni. Now get back to writing,“ 

“Wade, who are you talking too?” Y/n asked her best friend. “I am talking to the writer who is writing- ahh never mind” Wade came out of the dresser with a pink strapless sundress, y/n looked at him wide eyed, she didn’t even know why she was shocked this was just typical Wade. 

“does this make my ankles look fat?” 

 Y/n came home with a bag filled with clothes, she went to her room not bothering turning on the light, she jumped on her bed revealed that she can finally take a nap. 

Her head fell on her fluffy pillow, just when she was about to close her eyes, she felt someone’s hand wrap around her waist. Y/n screamed and rolled off her bed hitting herself on her way down. 

“FRIDAY lights now,” Y/n said and got up as fast she can without hurting herself in some way. 

“Peter?” she asked looking at her sleepy boyfriend “what are you doing here?” Peter rubbed the sleep from his eyes “ I got bored so I came here waiting for you to come home, but I guess I fell asleep,”.  You smiled and got back into bed. 

“didn’t you go shopping with Wade today? How was it? what did you buy?” Peter nudged your shoulder and you let a low growl which made peter laugh. “Was is that bad?” he kissed your temple. “ No it was great actually pretty amazing, but it was so long” Peter laughed. 

“what did you get, I wanna see,”  he said. Y/n chuckled “it’s in the bag over there the y/h/c girl pointed at the bag that was on the dressing table. Y/n went to the bathroom and Peter went to look at the things she bought. It wasn’t a lot.

Peter looked throw your things when he found a small bag in it there was some type of black material. He took out the lacy fabric out, but he didn’t expect what he was about to see. It was a lacy black thong. 

Peter blushed thinking about you wearing something like that. 

“so peter what do you think about- is that a thong?” Y/n scanned the thong in Peter’s hands. 

“that’s not mine,” both said at the same time. 

You looked at one another and blushed “if it isn’t yours then who’s is it?’’ Peter questioned. “ I think I took someone else one by mistake,”. 

Just then someone bursts out of the window “ that’s mine” Wade said he had his infamous red suit on, he took the thong from Peter’s hands. You looked at him quizzically “since when you wear a thong?’’ Peter asked. Wade wore the thong on top of his red suit. 

“Since always Spidey, but you wouldn’t know, now would you” Wade flirted with Peter and supposedly winked at him, but you couldn’t see because of his mask. 

“but in all seriousness does this thong make my butt look big?” Wade asked as he did a weird pose.