#antis go tf outside challenge

[diobrandoisgay]

i really seen someone say proshippers are equally as bad as racists and pedos. oh yea people with shipping stances are just as bad as people who bring harm to REAL, LIVING, PEOPLE. good job antis that REALLY makes sense

[365neon]

ooooo girl we are blocking ppl tonight 😌

[neshabeingchildish]

About Nesha

If You’re Interested in Me…

A breakdown about my life, my writing, this fandom and fandoms in general.

A few things. Y'all know some, but not all of this info and there’s plenty more to know, but for now, I'ma just say whatever I say right now. I’m the same age as Captain Man. I’m GROWN grown. So, we won’t always have conversations/we won’t always know what the other is talking about.

I occasionally love a good kids show because I have a big family and grew up babysitting a lot. My youngest sibling was born when I was 15 and I helped raise her. We watched several things together that I didn’t care for because she wanted to or because I had to find child friendly stuff to watch with her. I don’t always watch kids shows with kids. Sometimes, I enjoy them on my own. I’m grown. I can do that, if I want. My oldest niece was born a month before my youngest sister. My oldest sister had 7 kids (Yes same father. I answer because somebody nosy always asks), and I’ve lived with them a few times, too.

With kiddos, kids shows that I watched include True Jackson VP, A.N.T. Farm, Shake It Up, Victorious, iCarly, and Glee (which to be fair, my sis and I tried for the first time together and simply both got sucked in. By myself, I’ve watched a few things, but not too many outside of cartoons. Henry Danger is one of those things. (And Andi Mack. I miss it already)

Whenever I started watching HD, I was living in a motel with my younger brother, working two jobs and taking care of most of our finances. We’d been in an apartment prior to that, but I couldn’t keep my head above water and he has PTSD from the war in Iraq, so sometimes he isn’t able to do things. I was extremely depressed (as sometimes happens because I’m bipolar and have depression/manic episodes and anxiety and life was stressful.

Since life was stressful, I wanted to watch stuff that wouldn’t be stressful and frequently tuned in to kiss shows hoping to escape a little bit my adult struggle. I’ve been homeless a few times, but being in the motel wasn’t the worst of them. It was not being able to help my brother more that had me down the most. At the time, I began watching Steven Universe, Clarence, Manny Rivera and Henry Danger.

Now, let me say this - whenever I saw an ad for Henry Danger, I wasn’t interested in the plot. I saw a cute little Black girl with an afro and said, “I'ma check that show out for lil’ sis.” I do that sometimes and figured since it was Nickolodeon, I probably wouldn't get that horrendous token treatment that shows for older audiences give out. So, I watched it and the first episode I saw was actually the one where he had the test on the history of Puerto Rico. Listen. I LMAO and was like, “I’ll watch this again.”

So, I started watching it and watched it the entire time I lived in the motel. Even tried to continue when I was in another motel. But, after I was doing a lot of motel hopping, sleeping in my car, occasionally making the 4 hour drive to my parents to wash up and regroup before driving the 4 hours back to Austin for work… I got off track with it.

Fast forward to a few years back. I was in a relationship with a man and his two kids, who are now basically my two kids and wanted to try to watch something with them. I was browsing kids shows and came across Henry Danger and was like, “Yo! This used to be hilarious! I wonder if I’d still like it.” And just like that, I was back in and not homeless or bouncing around. They didn’t care for it as much as me. But, I kept watching, because I do enjoy it.

Eventually, I hunted down the episodes and rewatched/caught up on the whole thing. After that, I wondered if there was a fandom and I checked and there was, but everyone was so young that I didn’t engage. I was like TF is you gon’ do in that fandom?

I didn’t engage up until I was watching some episode of S4 and I wondered why Nickolodeon hadn’t started leaning towards shipping the Chenry yet. Earlier, I figured that they (like me) saw the kids as too young and weren’t interested in that. But, S4, I was like, well they’re older now and wait a damn minute, they’ve been having this kid have love interests since S1! SO, I took it as a statement against Charlotte and I figured, I could write that ship and I’d be amazing at it.

(I didn’t even really ship it like that. Lol.) Anyway. I jumped on in and met some nice young ladies. Saw a lot of love between them and got a lot whenever I did come in. I try to be mindful of the audience, but also true to the characters and the direction I’m going with them. I try to write responsibly. That’s why though there are adult discussions never any of the adult action. I have 16 year olds here for crying out loud. So, whatever the content, the characters will either be as canon as can be, or I’ve written something that could fundamentally change them into whoever I’m writing.

I write a lot of angst. I write depending on what I’m feeling at the moment and sometimes, because of my mental illness, I won’t write a thing. But, I love feedback. I can take honest feedback, but be prepared to argue with me if I disagree with you and have time. Because I mean to write certain things and if they’re misconstrued or I’ve made them unclear, I gotta investigate that.

I’m pro-black AF, anti-establishment, anti-police, anti-govt, and basically against anything that challenges Black joy and Black wellness. I sometimes have a tone in my stories and themes that might reflect my beliefs, but I try not to project that onto my characters. I try to write them from a place of authenticity and I care as much about them as the children that I watched grow up on that cast while I was going through hard times.

When they make you mad or you disagree, I get it. But, try to be gentle or at least empathetic to them. I love they asses, no matter what fuckery I be having them doing. If you enjoy it, let me know from time to time. Whenever I’m in a low point and something in my life gotta go, fanfiction is usually one of the first things because frequently, it’s not enough folk on the other end that I know of expecting or enjoying. I’m not saying shower me with reviews, but if a bitch could get a thumbs up sometimes…

Y'all a good fandom. I have seen the least amount of white fuckery here than I’ve ever seen in any fandom I’ve ever spent time around. I appreciate that, because I’m a habitual blocker and I blocks with a quickness. It sometimes bothers me to block young folk. 😂

I feel like this went on longer than I wanted to and I still didn’t say everything I intended to. If you still reading this long ass personal post, have a blessed day.

[raivaryn]

time for an update i guess??

I’m doing a med taper. I went off the most helpful one, Effexor, the weekend before Christmas. This is also when my main emotional support left to see family, and I guess combined with other stressors and the withdrawal, it sort of triggered a bad episode where I felt I was losing my sense of control, and was hurting myself superficially.

I was reclaiming it and just stepping into the shower to decompress when the police arrived. I don’t know when they were called, but I was calm and honest with them. They asked if I had a plan, and I said no. It was the truth-- I didn’t. I was recovering from an episode of high distress and I feel like that recovery was well apparent. But protocol is protocol, and I was strapped to a gurney when they asked me to step outside. Despite my full cooperation and my lack of intent or plan, I was assigned “involuntary” for “suicidal ideation”.

The ambulance ride was horrible and trauma was not what I needed. I’m not retelling more, other than I spent a day pre-dawn to post-dusk confined to an ER cell with cable where I was constantly forgotten about (and according to my therapist, at the worst hospital for cases of emotional distress).

I’m still recovering from it. It’s a lot to process. And in two weeks, I’ll be pharmaceutically clean. Lamotrigine is my last one to go, and I’m increasingly concerned about it, considering how bad the Effexor loss is hurting. Speaking is hard. Draining. Even writing this, I don’t know how I’m managing.

You might be wondering why tf I’m tapering clean if I’m struggling so badly. Basically, after so many years of stop-gap “hope this works” and “guess I’m stuck with this”, I want to reevaluate my situation. A lot’s changed, mostly in the sheer volume of trauma I’ve collected, and my doctors agreed that the idea of finding my baseline could help set a new, more effective care trajectory. 

It’s.. I guess, you can forget the raw depth of your illness, when it’s clouded with so many different medications over the course of years. I never forgot the feeling-- but being there again in full, unfiltered by meds, in that dark place that’s always been inside... I might not have braced myself enough. But I just have to survive it. Just for a little while. For science, and for hope.

The light at the end of the tunnel is what I just learned from my therapist-- There’s a new design of pill out there, which combines an antidepressant with an anti-psychotic. There’s several flavors, all of which interest me as someone who long-since exhausted the antidepressant cocktails. I’ve never tried an anti-psychotic, and it’s a little scary to think of delving into a whole new class of drug, but I’m hopeful. The biggest challenge will, as always, because I’m American, be insurance.

The psych most familiar with these new meds will be seeing me on the 5th. Wish me luck.