#anything it wants. guess it's not to be done. kind of a drag plotwise i think. idk.

[oldtestleper]

all that shit would have never happened if they had followed OSHA guidelines

[monasatlantis]

Persona 5 Royal Final Review

After 108 hours of gameplay I finally finished Persona 5 Royal. (P5R from now on.) And it is time for my game-review. Usually, if I replay a game, I don’t review it a second time. But I think the Royal version deserves its own review.

Of course, spoiler for P5R are under the cut!

I don’t want to drag that review too long, but there are certain things that need to be said and that is what I am going to do.

First of all, my overall feeling for the game was, that I enjoyed playing it a lot more then the original P5. The things that were changed or added be it plotwise or in the battle- and gamesystem seemed small in the beginning but overall made for a better game experience and made the game more enjoyable and fun.

Of course, knowing almost all of the characters and the overall plot helped a lot to find yourself right at home relatively fast.

I really have to give a huge praise for the prologue to Atlus once more. Because damn do they know what they are doing. The one from the original was already perfect. I mean, I’ve seen my fair share of Prologues in JRPGs and also my fair share of the “This is were you are, now work your butt off to actually reach this point in the game” - ones. But none has ever be as good as the one from Persona 5. So here I was, starting P5R expecting to see the same great prologue again and got slightly panicked the moment I realized something was different. When Violet showed up, I feared it would ruin the amazingness of the original Start of the game by giving to much focus on her. Instead, the scene made the start even better. Because... at this point, we know nothing more about her then that she is the new female character from P5R and she just swoops in, saves Joker and reminds him of a promise we know nothing about. Casually mentioning she is not a part of Jokers Team too, so that at the end of this scene your like: “Okay... who are you, what kind of promise did you have with MY Joker without my consent and why are you a persona user but not part of my freaking team?” Which adds questions to the beginning of a game we actually already know. So in case you’ve watched that Prologue from the original P5 so often, that you are tired of watching Joker jump out of that window like the showoff he is, now you have a new scene that makes the beginning of the game interesting all over again. Really good job Atlus!

Now... let me tell you about my greatest fear about P5R. I know you all don’t want to hear that, but this game was literally Atlus milking the Akechi and the Akira/Ren x Akechi Fans. They knew they could sell a game twice for the same price, with relatively small changes that could have fitted into a DLC, if they just give all those fans more Akechi and more Akechi x Akira/Ren interactions. And for those who dislike Akechi and/or the ship they added Kasumi/Sumire as an alternative, being a new, interesting female character made to fit Joker in the weirdest possible way. So my greatest fear was, that P5R would be full of fanservice and nothing else but that. I feared that the Akira x Akechi ship was pushed to the absolut max (with Atlus still refusing to allow Joker to date him or any guy despite that...) and also pushing Kasumi/Sumire as the female love interest for the other side of the fandom.

Did Atlus do that? Lets say it that way... my fear was for nothing, but it was still a slight bit of fanservice for Akechi and pushing for Sumi (Kasumi/Sumire) there. It was kept in moderation tho (honestly, I’ve seen worse. Much worse. Seriously. Play Cold Steel, then you get what I mean XD) and as every game would use a trump-card like that as a selling-point at least a bit. So I do not blame Atlus for doing so as well, since, once again, it was kept in moderation.

So... about Akechi, Sumi and Maruki and what they add to the game and how they got included in the game and how it works for the game... I have to say, I think they did a really great job with adding those 3 character to the game. (Or in Akechis case, making him a real confidant...) Most of the time, when characters are added in a later version, you often can feel that those characters didn’t originally belong there and they feel like someone cut out a piece of a cake and tried to make the cake look whole again by adding a piece of a different cake, that has the same size, but still doesn’t really fit. Atlus didn’t cut the cake, they put cream on top of it XD

Lets start with talking about the good and bad of making Akechi an actual confidant. But before that, let me complain about the time-limits set for those 3 confidants. They were stressing me out! And with those time-limits, you are basically forced to focus in maxing those 3 first, so that you had barely time for your own teammate. And you have to max them, for the true ending and the third semester. So... I would have wished that wasn’t the case, but I get why it had to be... Now... please tell me I was not the only one facepalming when Akechi gave Joker a headshot and his confidant-level rose in the original game. Because it makes all those “Joker loves Akechi killing him” - jokes a lot less questionable then they should be ^^’ I felt a lot more comfortable playing billiard with Akechi instead - although I have to admit that it felt slightly weird and I was a bit uncomfortable at first. But you get used to it. And I think it also improves one certain part of the story greatly. And that is the part were the game wants to tell you that Joker and Akechi have such a great, strong, special bond. Because in the original game, they hardly ever do anything together, besides those short encounters every now and then. This time, it felt much more real for Akira and Akechi to be close, because they took the time and made the effort to actually spend time with each other and get to know each other. It also gives the player more chances to decide what to do with that traitor. And I guess new player were even more shocked now when Jokers favorite friend suddenly shot him in the head without even hesitating. It really makes the game better in a way. Especially with Akechi suddenly throwing his glove at Joker, telling him he hates him all of the sudden, when you are reaching level 8 of his confidant. It makes everything more round, when it comes to Akechi and his complicated relationship with Joker. There are no “bads” about Akechi becoming a real confidant. It was a good choice and made the game better. So in a way, Atlus wanting to make money by giving fanservice, benefited the game greatly.

Now to Maruki. He seemed to be... relatively unimportant. Honestly, if I didn’t knew I need to max him for the third semester, I probably wouldn’t have done it. Because he is just some random counselor how apparently finds Joker interesting - as many other characters do - so why should I care? Now imagine all those “blind” playing players who didn’t google how to get the third semester and true ending and wondering what they did wrong when they didn’t get it just to find out they had to max out some random confidant guy like Maruki. Those poor souls. So... is that a bad thing? No its not! You are supposed to be shocked and surprised in the third semester when you find out that this sympathetic but relativly boring confidant actually was the guy behind the fake reality. Especially after making it look like it was actually Sumis palace at first. I do have to say tho... he gave me “traitor-vibes” immediately, so I somehow saw it coming. But that is just me being wary of characters in lab coats thanks to certain games... They really made great work with that man tho. Every member of the team had counseling with him (Akechi aside) giving him the knowledge of most of their dreams and wished and problems and also making him look more sympathetic for being so friendly understanding and helpful. Even as the ruler of the fake reality, he actually had “good intentions” at the end, they were still egoistic, but he truly believed he would help people, making it hard to totally hate him and making it also understandable that the other characters didn’t hate him. Even after you want to despise him for what he did to Sumi, she herself said that without it, she might would not have made it, making it hard to hate him for it. The way he was added to the game, felt whole and never gave you the feeling that he didn’t belong there. So once again, good job!

Now... on to Sumi. She has her first encounter with Joker relatively early on in the game and you keep having scenes with her throughout the game, even if you do not do her confidant. Actually, whenever I was a bit sad that Kasumi wasn’t there, she suddenly showed up. Be it at the end of the Hawaii trip of the great scene from the school festival or her running towards Joker in Leblanc after he faked his death. You never have the feeling that she shouldn’t be as close to Joker as she is, because the game makes sure to let them have lots of interactions and encounters with each other, even outside of her confidant-scenes. They did give a hint or to of her true story too. So I wasn’t surprised when the truth came to light in the third semester. Overall I have to say they really overdid it a bit with the drama of her story, but it adds up to why Sumire is the way she is, after you force her to be herself. I was certainly sad I could only have her as my teammate so late in the game tho. Her powers are really great. And it it also a bit depressing if you want to date her (whish the game obviously wants you to do...) and have to wait until almost the end of the game to finally be able to do so. For a month at best no less. all those dates you missed... oh well, dating her is cute at least. I do have one big complain about her character tho. In this totally awkward scene were she was sitting in a Café with Joker and Akechi (or was I the only one feeling awkward sitting there with Boyfriend on the one and Girlfriend on the other side? ^^’) when Akechi - that sneaky bastard - asked her about the Phanthom Thieves she said she doesn’t think its right to count on them, that people should solve their problems themselves and not rely on others so much. Which is right on one hand. I mean, it was great foreshadowing. At some point people really just expected the Phantom Thieves to solve all their problems making way for their great downfall when they couldn’t meet the high expectations. BUT Sumi was the last of all the characters who had the right to say something like that. From the beginning as Kasumi, to the End as Sumire... she always relies on Joker for giving her strength, hope, motivation and a reason to fight and live and get stronger. I doubt she would have managed to overcome her trauma without him. So how did she solve and of her problems herself without always relying on others? I am sorry, but she was not the right person to say that. (But at least, after realizing Akira/Ren was Joker she immediately felt bad about talking not so nice about his team infront of him - although Mr-Sneaky-Bastard set this up on purpose so he should be the one apologizing here...) Anyway. Aside from the scene were the PT fought the god, were she was missing for some reason, she was added very well into the story and made a good addition to the team at the end. She earned her place in the game and made for a nice alternative dating-partner.

Finally... I wanna talk about the damn third semester. Because after all the work and stress we went to to get there... it was a bit of a letdown for me. Tho the start was a shocker with everything that happened, it dragged on and on and on and on and on and on and on. You go into the palace after having absolutly no real freetime between the final boss from the original game and this new final bosses palace. Here in this palace, you lose Kasumi, then you are forced to go out of the palace, just so you can walk around to watch your friend be happy for days with the game making it unnecessarily hard and time-consuming for you by refusing you to use insta-travel for no apparent reason. Then you go back to the palast, save Sumire and are forced to get out of it again. Then you go back in, are forced to go back out again, then you are forced to go to Mementos and go through all the new stupid levels there because otherwise you can’t continue with the palace. Then you go back to the palace AGAIN which seems to never end and has many strong enemy immune to physical attacks because saving SP is a total unnecessary thing in this immensely huge palace. And when you finally almost reached the end of the damn palace you are forced to make a stupid puzzle. URG! Now, you are finally through with the palace, now you have an immense amount of freetime, which still isn’t enough to max many more confidants especially not if you also want to use this last chance to max Sumi. And at this point, it just feels like enough. The game is going on for too long. It has to end. And yet, the final boss, just like this final palace and the third semester goes on and on and on and on and on. Every time you think you have beating him, he rises again and again and again and again. And was that fist-fight with Joker really necessary at the end?

Now that we are officially talking about the third semester... lets also talk about Akechi (again) and also some plotholes. So Akechi is like... having multiple personalities in the last part of the game. One time, he is an absolute bloodthirsty asshole and the next time he is your worried teammate. I mean... how did we go from: “Save your girlfriend yourself, Joker, because if I handle this, she will end up dead.” to Akechi stopping Sumi from running towards Dr.Maruki to keep her save from falling debris? I guess in the end being part of Jokers team finally got to him XD So... Akechis existence in the third semester is a huge problem for the plot. Despite the intentions of the true ending, Akechi is believed to be dead and only lives on because Maruki brought him back so he can have a second chance for a happy live with Joker. That would mean that he was made up by Marukis fake reality to fulfill either Jokers wish or Akechis wish. BUT the moment everyone else of the team realizes they were in a fact reality, that what they had and did wasn’t real, it was gone. Mona becoming a cat again. Futubas mother was gone. The moment both Akira and Akechi knew that Akechi wasn’t  real, he should have vanished, but he didn’t. Now lets say the reason he didn’t vanish, was because he was actually still alive in the real world (maybe in some sort of coma or something, which would explain his memory problems, because then he wasn’t made up by Maruki, but just got pulled out of whatever state he was in in reality...) then it is still a plothole why nobody, not even Maruki himself didn’t wonder why everyone elses true reality came back when they realized the truth but Akechi still stayed there until the fake reality was gone. I think in the end, Atlus didn’t fully think that truth and messed it up a little bit. Also... in Kasumis case. It is said that when people called her “Sumire” she just heard what her changed cognition wanted to hear, which was that people called her Kasumi. BUT if only her cognition was changed, why didn’t she end up in a psychiatry after claiming that her little sister Sumire is dead and that she herself is Kasumi? It doesn’t make any sense, if only her own cognition changed. Once again, not thought through in the end, I think.

Anyway... all in all it was a really good and enjoyable game. I gave it 9 out of 10 points.

[the-no-good-moonite]

cortana, find “how to remove STD”

So yeah here’s my thoughts on Star Trek Discovery as of the ninth episode:

its ugly, sounds like trash, is terribly badly written and probably smells weird if in a physical format

but allow me to elaborate a bit a lot

the sound and visuals are the smaller problem admittedly; I like plenty of things that looked arse when they were first made and look like double arse now, so if the writing wasn’t so bad I would be willing to accept this as a flaw of the series and concentrate on the rest of it. as it stands...

the music just kind of being “there” is nothing new (see: large chunks of the other series), but it’s still disappointing. the sound design being terrible on top of that? that’s trash. nearly every time a ship opens fire we get minor variations on generic and ill-fitting turbolaser sounds... I mean come the fuck on. you don’t want to be restricted by tradition, go nuts, but if that’s the best you’ve got to offer you shouldn’t have 

(I realise that choice is likely a result of a directive from on high and not entirely the sound team’s doing, but it’s still executed poorly)

as for art direction... well, John Eaves is a very poor choice for how much they’re giving to him (most of starfleet it looks like? not sure who’s doing the klingons but what little I can see of them isn’t impressing me either). I don’t hate his stuff outright like some people do, but he’s very “safe” and has exactly one aesthetic that has worn out for me and compares badly to what they’re making it contemporary to here

the art direction in general is quite bad though - there’s so much nebulous shit that glows blue in the same kind of way that it legitimately confuses as to whether or not it is the same thing - and the way it’s all shot is boring and unremarkable at best. 

(and oh look, it’s another trek villain who has a colour scheme of mostly metals and neon green. get the fuck out of here)

the... space fight choreography (not sure what else to call it?) is absolutely the worst part though, it’s almost claustrophobic, everything’s jammed together like it happening in a bloody fish tank. the camera has no great desire to give us a clear view of what’s happening, or of any object other than the discovery and the ship of the dead. they almost appear to be going out of their way to avoid giving a clear look at anything else, which makes me think they’re not being given the time or budget to make models that will withstand close examination... which would be expected, but still laughable as ever

the spore drive and all the effects associated with it are ugly as sin and conceptually terrible also; I will accept no dissent on this point

sets and props are kinda “eh”, but i’ve not seen anything overtly wobble, and that’s apparently the only metric that matters so uh, good job there

so! the writing. the horrible, horrible writing.

I’m going to mostly ignore the actual dialog here, because while it is deserving of flak, it’s mostly stock phrases and interactions you’ve seen significantly better or worse versions of. so not a lot to actually say about it. I don’t like much of it and the attempts at humour are pretty lame.

what I take issue with is the overall construction of it... like they’re doing a “maybe the federation isn’t right about how it does things?” kind of thing and im onboard with that, asking questions on if the federation is really what it presents itself as has potential. but they’re not actually asking any specific questions.

and this kind of attitude pervades the whole show; there’s vague noises about stuff - maybe both sides are wrong - or whatever and the odd “aren’t we explorers?” but ultimately the show has little to no opinion on any of it (or doesn’t yet anyway), just making enough of an effort to try and get you to think it does, and then let you fill in the answer you agree with most... 

if it sounds like im leading in to a “intellectually hollow centrist liberal” kind of comparison, you fucking bet I am, because that’s pretty much what it feels like to me

I mean I expect someone’s going to try and claim they’re just going for moral ambiguity, but I struggle to think of many actual examples of that in anything, and it DEFINITELY looses any claim to such when you have characters being told that actually no, Their War Crimes Were Entirely Justified and then nobody says any different

(star trek has no substantive claim on moral consistency, but that’s just fucking indefensible, and it shouldn’t be left even slightly ambiguous if Lorca was in the right for saying that. which is kind of a recurring problem with that character, contradictory as that may appear for me to say that right after my previous comment...)

then you’ve got the portrayal of the klingons as man-eating space orks... who are doing a holy war... even if that didn’t conflict horribly with the (for star trek) more complex portrayals of klingons in the past, on it’s own it feels like it’s undermining the claims to progressiveness  just a little bit 

(well it’s part holy war and part MQGA [Make Qo'noS Great Again] but you know what I mean)

and plotwise now we’re doing... voyager? maybe in the mirror universe? I don’t know. I guess they won’t stick with it for long enough to redo voyager’s worst mistakes but why am I having SG:U flashbacks all of a sudden

funnily enough I actually like SG:U more than discovery, though that may be partly not having watched it since it aired

lost my train of thought here, uh, characters bad?

or some characters bad anyway. I like maybe half of them to some degree actually, despite the dialog and how inconsistent the portrayal of nearly everyone is in between - or within - any episode (another old problem for trek, but it’s really grating with the format here)

there’s plenty to criticise though; i’m really unsure the writers have any clear idea of what Tilly’s “deal” is (only socially awkward? on a spectrum? just “weird”? who can say!) or if Stamets is an asshole or a just good-hearted grump... there’s other things like that. maybe they’ve detailed stuff in interviews, but the show itself is terrible at communicating any clear intent

but Michael and Voq’s fake personality Ash are definitely the worst characters, so i’ll focus on them

I will maintain that Michael’s backstory is rubbish, making her Spock’s secret sister is amazingly unnecessary rubbish. on top of that, we’re told she’s a top of the line member of starfleet which is then immediately undercut by her doing something stupid and reckless that almost gets her killed (after which she then presumably irradiates everything between sickbay and the bridge...) followed by doing something stupid and reckless that gets a lot of people killed and starts a war! this is arguably the most prominent trait of the character

she kind of comes off as a suicidal maniac, is my point.  Captain Georgiou is quick to jump to a suicidal option too (and im just gonna say... most prominent asian person in the series to date... suggests a suicide attack...) 

does this version of starfleet just not do psych tests until you hit admiral? of the two that have actually done things we’ve had two walk into obvious traps, but one of them seems comparatively well adjusted

anyway, so we’ve got Michael, a pet character of some writer who changes personality every other scene and totally not Voq, we swear and Ash. who is about the most blandly likeable love interest possible, and definitely Voq infiltrating starfleet, how long are they gonna drag this secret cylon constructed memories bullshit out just bloody kill me already and also a survivor of sexual abuse (and torture) with PTSD. 

they heavily implied this was the case when they introduced the character, and then in episode 9 it was confirmed explicitly by the character in question... that’s all fine, feels like a bit of a cheap grab so they can be a “mature“ story but let’s see how it plays out... and oh.

they went and showed (what was framed as but aren’t necessarily) the events in question. this is, at best, tasteless and inappropriate

now, i’m not going to say they’re going to handle this in the worst way possible, but what they’ve done so far is making me really fucking uncomfortable! I do not have faith that this will resolve even remotely well

and then there’s the whole thing where his memories are likely 100% manufactured as cover, which has a good chance of giving this whole situation an unpleasant taste all on it’s own

I also really had no need to see these new klingons naked anyway, or any naked klingon really, and in context cable drama nudity is absolutely the worst thing they could’ve copied from game of thrones without thinking about it

anyway, that’s [however many, I don’t want to check] badly formatted and often grammatically incorrect words to say: 

The show is bad. You disagree? Ok. I disagree with you. Now nobody is happy. I would prefer to be happy. I am not.

Goodnight.

[pasiphile]

hey out of curiosity for Doctor Who (which I used to live but stopped watching because I lost hope for it), what happened that fucked it up this time? I don't care about spoilers, I'm just curious about how Moffatt keeps ruining good things

Okay, so, I’m gonna try to sum it all up, but if at any poit you think wait what this makes no fucking sense, that might just be the episode rather than me not explaining coherently. 

So:

(cw: suicide, derealisation, dissociation. Seriously.)

Ep starts with the Doctor receiving an email with title “Extremis”. The screen then goes briefly static, opening theme starts playing like usual, and we’re up at the first scene, which is: a bunch of cardinals and the Pope, coming to the Doctor for help, because they don’t know who else to turn to. Apparently there’s an ancient text in the Vatican that used to have a translation, but the translation got lost after the sect who took care of the text committed mass suicide. Now, the text has been retranslated, but the translation’s gone lost again and everyone working on it has, again, committed suicide. So can the Doctor please come help? And why did they come to the Doctor? Apparently he got recommended by Pope Benedict the Ninth, who the Doctor describes as “a lovely girl” and “what a night”.

(Main offences: continuing the trend of the Doctor as basically Jack Harkness shagging his way through the universe; and using the fucking Vatican as the generic help-demanding damsels in distress. You know, I get already a bit miffed when they start using the Pentagon or the American President or Downing Street and portray them as fucking likeable and a bit helpless, but the fucking Vatican as the heroes?)

Next scene: Bill is taking a date home. A bit of haha-clueless-foster-mum as she tells off Bill for bringing a date home, then relaxes when she sees it’s a girl ‘cause obviously it’s not a date, then. Anyway, foster-mum (I think it’s her? No explanation whatsoever here) leaves and the girls go drink tea together. Bill’s date’s a bit nervous because “she’s not used to all this,” and Bill gives a lovely little speech about how “this isn’t anything yet if you don’t want it to be” and generally being full of reassurance and kindness and loveliness, well done Bill. She ends with “this is nothing to feel guilty about” - at which point the Tardis lands in another room in her house and the Pope comes storming in, talking in Italian. Bill’s date freaks out, runs to the other room, finds a bunch of cardinals in Bill’s bedroom and runs away in a panic. Bill, annoyed, tells the cardinals “they’re all going to hell”.

(Now, see, this would have worked for me if it was a thing they followed up on, like Bill being aggressively gay at the Pope and the Doctor choosing her side or something. But the way it’s played, it’s a gratuitous throwaway joke about religion and lesbian guilt, which, fuck no.)

The Doctor, Nardole (new sorta companion? idek how to explain him) and Bill go to the Vatican, where they’re keeping the text. The entrance to the hall of texts is a portrait of Pope Benedict IX, who turns out to be young and conventionally pretty and feminine. Doctor makes another flirty remark about her.

(THE DOCTOR IS NOT JACK FUCKING HARKNESS CHRIST FUCK)

 As they head to the secret room, they pass a strange glowy portal that briefly appears, then disappears. One of the cardinals stays behind to examine it, and as everyone moves on we can just see a creepy red-robed hand reaching through the portal for the cardinal - who is never mentioned again, nor does anyone feel like checking up on him. Anyway, they go to the cage where they keep the text, where they find a panicked priest - the last surviving translator, holding a gun. He panics and runs off, leaving behind his laptop, where they find he sent the translation of the text to CERN. CERN wrote back an email saying “Pray for us”.

(they use the fact that hard scientists revert to religion as a sign of how bad things are, but it’s just - stupid and heavy-handed and simplistic. Booh.)

Bill, Nardole and the Doctor discuss the text, the Doctor tries to send them away after the man with the gun. Bill says something along the lines of “we don’t even know if he’s still alive” - at which point we hear a bang, and the Doctor’s sensors give a “no life signals detected” warning for the guy. And there’s a line like “guess we know now”.

(suicide as a throwaway joke)

The Doctor convinces Nardole and Bill to go off exploring while he looks at the text. There’s a cringe-inducing moment where Nardole, the bumbling assistant, gives this meant-to-be-authoritative speech to Bill about how she needs to stay behind him for her safety. Bill is impressed and obeys, saying “Are you secretly a badass?” all admiring.

(Cringe. Ugh. There was something incredibly patronising about that speech.)

They find the portal, go through and find a round room full of glowy lights, with a circle of pillars in the middle and portals all along the wall. They head through a portal and end up in CERN, where they bump into a man in a white coat drinking from a bottle, who seems cheerful in a desperate way. He invites them along and they end up in the dining room, where a bunch of other scientists are all sitting looking scared, and a timer counts down from five minutes. Bill looks under the tables, where bombs are strapped. She gets into a discussion with one of the scientists, who tells her they’re killing themselves to save the world, that this isn’t the real world, and when she doesn’t believe him, he asks her to say a random number. Each time Bill says a number, Nardole says exactly the same number at the same time, and after the first few tries the rest join in, each time giving all the same numbers. The scientist calls it a shadow test. With only a few seconds left on the timer, Nardole drags Bill away. They run off, and the scientists get blown up.

They end up in the round room with all the portals again, where Nardole says the pillars remind him of projectors. He realises what the shadow test is for, saying it’s possible the people at CERN where right and that they are just a projection - but he doesn’t understand, because he checked the coordinates on the Tardis and they were real. Unless...  Then Nardole, with an expression of pure fear, muttering please let me be wrong, walks slowly to the pillars/projectors. As soon as he puts his hands beyond the projectors, he starts falling apart in pixels, screaming in terror I’m not real, Bill! I’m not real!

(do I... do I even need to explain how disturbing this is?)

Bill, in a panic, goes to find the Doctor. The Doctor has started to read the text but got interrupted by scary monsters in cardinal robes, who tell him when he yells this isn’t a game,  “this *is* a game”. But the Doctor escapes, with the text. Bill follows his traces through a portal which leads to the Pentagon, and the Oval Office, where the Doctor is waiting and someonelse  eis sitting with his back to us, slumped in a chair. “Is that the president?” “Was the president.” There’s a gun next to him.

(I lack the words, tbh)

The Doctor then finally explains. The text talks about how an Evil Monster wants to conquer the world, so it creates an exact holographic simulation copy of the real world to practice in, full of simulation-versions of real people. But the simulation is so good that the simulated people start developing independent intelligence. The people at CERN and at the Pentagon were simulations; their suicide wasn’t desperation but an act of resistance, preventing the Evil Monster from learning from them. The shadow test is mentioned in the text too; computers aren’t good with random numbers, so one test to see if you’re a simulation or not is to write down what you think are random numbers, then see if someone else got the exact same numbers. Bill, scared, says she gave the same numbers as the others too. The Doctor says I know, and Bill, terrified, dissolves into pixels. The monsters then come back in (they’re properly scary, btw, look like decomposing corpses) and tell the Doctor that he can’t do anything, that they’re keeping him alive to learn from his suffering. The Doctor almost gives up, then remembers something River once said (real goodness is goodness when there’s no hope, no reward and no witness) and he - somehow - sends an email with the entire recording of everything that happened since they went to the Vatican to the real Doctor (he was wearing his sonic sunglasses the whole time because he’s blind - long story, but they recorded what happened). 

Screen goes to static, and we’re back at the very first scene, with the Doctor receiving the Extremis email and looking at it. He calls Bill, asks her if she’s on a date - she’s not - and then encourages her to call up the girl from the date, even though Bill says she’s way out of her league, because Something big and evil is coming and we’re going to be very busy soon. Roll credits; writer: Steven Moffat.

There’s also a sideplot with Missy being executed, only the Doctor backs out of the execution at the last moment and instead locks her up in a vault for thousand years which he vows to protect. Missy begs for her life and calls the Doctor her friend, and at the end of the episode the Doctor leans in to the vault and asks for her help. Horribly out of character, in short.

So. Plotwise? Bollocks. Really. Nothing makes sense. A simulation complex enough to mimic the entire history of the Earth can’t do random numbers? (it’s the same trick he used in a Christmas Special, btw, where it was a Dream Test - originality is not Moffat’s strong point). Some people have to kill themselves, while others just dissolve? How does a simulation send an email to a real person? etc etc.

Then there’s the implications. The whole thing is steeped in derealisation, suicide is fucking everywhere and actually treated as a solution, the Vatican and the Pope are cuddly allies and religion is everywhere. I didn’t see the end of the credits but I do fucking hope they put in the usual helpline-thing the BBC adds after showing triggering content.

We’re right back at the worst of Moffat’s last few seasons. For five episodes we’ve had villains who turned out to be not actually evil but simply the victim of severe misunderstanding; we’ve had curiosity and wanting to help as the Doctor’s main motivation; we’ve had explicit pacifism; we’ve had enemies that basically come down to “capitalism”, “racism” and “the patriarchy” (no, really, I swear). 

And now, it’s another generic Big Evil Monster, it’s throwaway gay jokes with no follow up, and it’s arguably the most fucked-up underlying message I’ve ever seen in a Doctor Who episode. I mean, I thought the billion-years-of-repeated-torture was an unbeatable high in making me feel disgusted and uncomfortable, but I’ve never been as grossed out as I was during this episode.