#anyway everyone should go read chainsaw man it is actually art | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sabraeal · 4 years

Text

Hypewired Unsolved Drinking Game, Rule #2: Shirayuki Despairs Over Obi’s Life Choices

Rule #1

Written for @ruleofexception on the occasion of her BIRTH. I thought this would be more ghost hunting and less metrics, but I should have known I couldn’t resist a premise-building chapter.

[Shirayuki] Have you ever heard of the Gardner Museum Heist?

[Obi] Oohhh.

[Shirayuki] *laughs* What was that?

[Obi] Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just... I love heists.

[Shirayuki] You love heists? *laughs* No, I take it back, that doesn’t surprise me at all.

[Obi] *laughs* Come on, who doesn’t love a good heist?

[Shirayuki] This one *is* known as the biggest art heist of its kind.

[Obi] Oh ho ho ho. You’re saying all the right things to me.

The thing about haunted houses-- the real kind, not the ones that hire teenagers to wear stage make up and hold fake chainsaws-- is that they’re hard to book.

“Oh, in my hometown, they hired ex-convicts,” Obi says in the same casual way he says anything vaguely terrifying about his childhood, “and they gave them real, working chainsaws.”

Her jaw drops, face still plastered to her phone’s screen. Soft jazz worms into her ear. “That can’t be true. That has to be a-- a rumor or something.”

“Nah, nah, the farm had a work program with the local prison. I think sometimes they did seasonal work too?” He shrugs. “I don’t know. But it definitely made the hayride more popular. Gave it a real element of danger, you know?”

Shirayuki stares. “And they gave them real chainsaws?”

“Well, they only revved them a little.” He twitches his shoulder, as much of a shrug as he ever gives. “One time a guy hopped on the cart and chopped the bale next to me, but I mean, I probably deserved that.”

She might be sitting down, but oh, she could really do to sit down again. Harder. Mentally. Emotionally. “And you’re sure these were ex-convicts?”

“Yeah, probably.” Not an endorsement ringing with confidence. “I mean, I’m sure they were in for non-violent crimes, at least.”

There are two wolves inside of her, and one of them is pleased to hear about a local business working to place disadvantaged community members, and the other-- well, the other thinks that maybe everyone should be a little more solid on the whole non-violent convictions than they are.

Before she has the chance to suggest it, the phone clicks, and a pleasant female voice says, “Hill House, Donna speaking, how may I help you?”

“Oh, hi, yes,” she fumbles, “I’m Shirayuki calling from Hypewire. We would like to talk about booking your location.”

“Hypewire?” Donna pauses, the good long kind that means she’s probably from a generation that prefers to read its news on paper, and not from a website that has an option to react with emojis. “Oh, did you want to do an article on the house?”

“Ah, something like that.” Obi arches a brow, lips twitching as he crams another Funyon between them. He’s far too distracting to have around while she needs to have thinky thoughts, especially if he’s going to make faces at her. “I’m the producer of Hyperwire Unsolved, and we were wondering if we could possibly do a, ah--” she coughs-- “an investigation? Of the house? For the show?”

“Oh, Hypewire Unsolved!” The woman laughs. “My nephew loves you guys. But don’t you do true crime?”

[Sender]: [email protected] [Recipients]: [email protected] [Subject]: Re: Episode Filming

Thank you for your interest in our venue for an episode. Some of our interns are big fans of your show! However, we have to admit some confusion, as we were under the impression you were a true crime show…

“How’d they get that impression?” Higata grunts, hunching further over his keyboard. His screen in the only light in the editing bay, castling a ghastly glow over his face. “The art department just sent me six different aliens to pick from for the Roswell episode, and now we’re Serial? Come on.”

Shirayuki sighs. “I know. But it seems our more popular episodes are the ones about collar bombers and serial murderers. At least by the metrics”

Higata might only be twenty-six, but he’d be right at home at the VA buffet with the way he grumbles. “You know His Highness over there was talking to me about making true crime and supernatural separate seasons. Something about...keeping views and organizational groups or something.”

“Huh.” She sits back, nibbling on her lip. “It would certainly give me more of a focus each season. What do you think?”

“I guess it’s fine. Two editing credits for my resume for one show’s work is a good deal.” He overlays a shadowy police sketch into the video, shoulders rounded and tense. “What do I know? I just sit in the dark and pick which ghostly visage I want to layer over your audio.”

She leans in with her sunniest smile, squeezing his arm right above the elbow. “And you’re so good at it!”

“I am.” He’s too much of a professional to look away from his work, shifting the same image three pixels over and then three pixels back, but his bicep relaxes beneath her grip. “I am a top tier spooky face picker. All the commenters say so.”

She blinks. “Oh? They do?”

Higata twists in his seat, gaze somehow even more incredulous in the lack of light. “No, Shirayuki, they don’t. But they should.” He gestures to the screen vaguely. “They mostly just talk about how much they want to fuck Obi.”

“OH.” There’s some information she really, really didn’t need. “That’s um, ah--”

“Your job, according to roughly half our fan base.” His mouth hooks into a grin she does not enjoy. “What do you say, Lyon? I think we could break the bank if you kissed him once on camera.”

“I-- I mean--” it’s a ridiculous request, clearly a joke, but her heart is pounding so loud in her ears she can’t hear her own thoughts-- “that’s not really w-what the show is about.”

Higata laughs. “That’s what you think.”

“What does who think?”

Shirayuki jumps straight out of her chair.

It’s not an exaggeration; there’s literal air between her butt and the seat, and when she lands again, the soft cushion makes the most obvious whoosh noise in existence, only worse, since it’s slow too. No obnoxious whoopee cushion womp, oh no, just an endless, air pump whoosssssshhhhhh that’s as blatant as a rattlesnake in the silence.

“Obi!” His lean shadow fills the doorway—wow, is he actually that tall?—and his head tilts, just enough so that his eyes shimmer gold. “I—nothing! We were, um, nothing?”

“We were talking about true crime,” Higata supplies, darting her a pitying look, “and how that’s what everyone thinks we are. Winchester House just emailed back.”

Obi grimaces, teeth flashing white in the dark. “Ah, great. Another one of those.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, deflating into a slouch. “I could talk about Big Foot until I’m blue in the face, but everyone thinks I have nuanced opinions about Jeffrey Dahmer.”

One narrow brow arches toward his hairline. “But you do have nuanced opinions about Jeffrey Dahmer.”

“I just think animal mutilation is probably a sign things aren’t going right in your life and someone should have noticed.” She waves her hands, at a loss. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to explore a supposedly haunted house.”

His lips twitch, right at one corner. “For a skeptic, you’re really into the idea you could see a ghost.”

“Stories are part of the human experience,” she explains primly. “We use them to understand what feels inexplicable. And ghosts are part of how we compartmentalize death.”

“Or they are the remnants of people who died too soon.” Obi pushes himself off the jamb, sauntering over to where they sit. “Or whatever bad juju is left by human misery—hey, that’s a sweet mugshot. Who’s it supposed to be?”

Higata squints. “I keep thinking it might be Shiira? But the cheeks are all wrong.”

“Huh.” Obi leans between the two of them, nose hovering mere inches away from the screen. His arm presses into her shoulder, too warm. “Brecker.”

“Brecker?” Higata tilts his head. “Oh yeah, I see it now. He’s not gonna like that.”

He huffs out a laugh. “Good thing he doesn’t watch joyless tripe like Unsolved then.”

“Yeah.” Higata snickers, raising the opacity. “Good thing.”

Obi settles back on his heels, hand gripping the back of her chair. She dares a glance up, and there he is, watching her with one of those looks she doesn’t know how to read. “Don’t worry, Lyon,” he says, thumb rubbing at the plastic back. “The season’s only just started. Give it some time.”

“I’d love to,” she mutters, tilting her head back, resting it on his wrist. “But try explaining that to Izana.”

[Obi] I’m just saying, there’s no sexier crime than a heist. ...Well, I mean, that doesn’t involve actual sex.

[Shirayuki] *wheeze*

[Obi] You know what I mean.

[Shirayuki] Do I? Am I finding out too much about you right now? Is this how you get seduced at parties? Girls just cornering you and telling you about high-profile robberies?

[Obi] *laughs* This is absolutely not how I get seduced at parties. Unless you’d like to try...?

[Shirayuki] . . .

[Obi] Besides, it’s not like this is just a regular robbery. Heists don’t happen to normal people. Just the rich ones.

[Shirayuki] Well, this *is* a museum. It’s for learning purposes.

[Obi] Oh, like all that stuff actually *belongs* to a museum anyway.

[Shirayuki] Actually...this time it does!

[Obi] Wow, now there’s a mystery I want to investigate.

“We want to capitalize on the energy from this season.”

Izana isn’t a man who lounges; his mesh office chair is relentlessly ergonomic, only a few aggressively rolled lumbar supports away from a torture device. But still, he gives off the energy of a cat lazing in a sunspot, already gotten into the cream.

“Unsolved has always had excellent metrics, but since the premier--” he glances pointedly at Obi-- “they’re unparalleled by any other digital media Wisteria has put out on any of its platforms.”

Obi sprawls in one of the wire-frame chairs Izana has out, far too big for its delicate frame, every inch of him as still as the grave. Except for his one, bouncing knee, practically vibrating as he asks, “That’s...good right?”

“Very good.” Shirayuki may not be a metrics person, but working with Zen gave her more than a passing acquaintance with what success sounds like. “I think he’s telling us...we’re his cash cow.”

Izana’s lips lift into a smirk. “Just so. You’re more popular than Stand the Heat, and that’s saying something.”

It is saying something-- Obi’s show consistently has the most hits and the highest likes-to-views ratio. It’s been the backbone of Hypewire’s digital media section since it premiered last year, and now-- now Unsolved has passed it. If the graph Izana’s laid out is right, they’ve passed it by...a lot.

Shirayuki sneaks a glance at Obi as he leans over, taking in the numbers. She can’t move, can’t even breathe as he stares, eyes rounding as he understands what’s happening.

He rips the paper off the desk, shaking it at her. “Do you see this?”

She blinks. “Y-yes?”

His mouth breaks into a grin, like a Labrador who has found a particularly giant stick. “We’re awesome.”

“Oh,” she breathes, and wow, this is really not the time to think about the-- the Abayan effect, even if that smile makes it extremely hard not to. “Okay.”

“We should have you on the show.” His knee bounces a mile a minute, words barely keeping pace. “See if that makes the ratings draw even.”

Shirayuki stares at him, but there’s no hint of sarcasm, no undertone of agitation. For all intents and purposes, it seems as if he’s just...inviting her on his highly rated cooking show.

That can’t be right.

“Not a bad thought, Abayan,” Izana hums, fingers tapping at the desk. “Turn that in to me with the rest of your proposals for next season.”

Obi grins. “No problem, boss.”

“Wait.” This is all happening too fast; it’s all too much. Three weeks ago she was scrambling for a new co-host, and now she’s sitting next to Hypewire’s media darling, talking about how she needs to be on his show for his ratings. “I don’t-- we shouldn’t--”

“Oh, can you not cook?” Obi smiles, and it’s-- entirely too much. “Don’t worry, Lyon, you’ll be on top when I’m done with you.”

“N-no!” she chokes. “I-- I’m the daughter of a bar! I mean, my grandparents--” ugh, four years to get a journalism degree, and she still can’t word good-- “they owned a pub.”

“Great.” His teeth flash, half-feral. “Then you’ll know how to follow my lead.”

“I think,” Izana says, tipping her a speculative look, “that Shirayuki is less worried about her prowess in the kitchen, and more about what these sort of numbers might mean to a show like Unsolved. Isn’t that right?”

“Ah, I mean...” It’s terrible how good he is at his job. “It’s all so...quick. We’re still editing this season, and already I’m working on the ideas for next one, and I have to not only write scripts but also scout locations, and Higata is already stretched thin--”

“We’ll get you another editor.”

Her jaw drops. “W-what?”

Izana folds his hands, so calm, and tells her, “We’ll get you another editor.”

Shirayuki stares, mouth utterly dry. It had been a struggle to get Higata last season; after Obi had roasted the idea during Pitch Fight, Hypewire’s higher-ups had been loath to put any actual support behind Unsolved. Only his dogged enthusiasm-- and flagrantly working on the project behind their backs-- had gotten him on board after the pilot took off. And now Izana Wisteria was just handing her someone else. Personally.

She reaches down and pinches herself. Yep, this is-- this is real life. Somehow.

“You want to-- you mean that--” she gulps-- “you want to give Unsolved a team?”

He nods, brusque and efficient. “I can get you another researcher as well. Or if the locations appear to be a problem, perhaps a personal assistant?” He lifts a hand, a Wisteria shrug. “Just let me know your needs, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Unless it’s time, right?” Obi asks wryly. “That’s straight out.”

Izana’s mouth stretches into the barest grin. “The internet is instant, I’m afraid. You have to strike while the iron’s hot. I hope--” he fixes her with a meaningful look-- “we are all able to make the best of this opportunity.”

kisskissfall4luv: does ne1 no f this guy is gonna b here 4 the hole sesson? i luv Zen but i lik the nu guy 2 hes so funny!

kayla0202: I hope he is! I never thought I’d like something as much as Stand the Heat, especially a show about aliens and weird crime, but Obi and Shirayuki make me tune in every week! How long are Unsolved’s seasons again??

unsolvedjunky42: There’s only one other season, and that was 12 eps, though a lot of those were 10 minutes long, and these ones are averaging 17-20min. It looks like Obi Abayan is credited as co-host for the rest of the season: [follow link] So glad he signed on, I thought Unsolved would be dead in the water without Zen but Obi brings a whole new dynamic I didn’t ever realize the show was missing.

zenluvr999: i no were only 3 eps in but i think im gonna need a new name lmao

“Ah, I understand, but we really are looking to--” Shirayuki clenches her stress artichoke, its plush petals ballooning out from between her fingers, and stifles a sigh. “Yeah, I see. Thank you.”

The call cuts off with a beep, too cheerful a sound for its finality. Another opportunity lost. Shirayuki spills over her keyboard, groan lost beneath the function keys.

“Going that well, huh?” Kihal barely spares her a glance, but she does pull aside a headphone; the way editors show they care. “Tell me again how much you love this job.”

“I do love it,” she insists, muffled by the cool metal of her desk. “It’s just...so much work.”

“You know, we could just get that personal assistant.” Higata drops his headphones around his neck, settling back in his chair. It creaks beneath him, protesting his slouch. “I still can’t believe you said no to that.”

“We don’t need another team member.” Shirayuki lifts her head, just barely, to give him a warning glance. “We already have Kihal. That’s more than enough.”

“Really? We still have half a season left to edit, you have another season to write, and you want to tell me we couldn’t use another set of hands?” His eyebrow twitches up toward his hairline. “You just love making all those phone calls, huh?”

“It’s not that.” She rolls back, lifting herself upright. Her spine reminds her sharply that it doesn’t like doing that, that it was having a fine time as she was, but if there’s one thing Shirayuki knows how to ignore by now, it’s a complainer. “Unsolved was my idea to begin with, and if we can’t do the proposal we submitted last week, it should be me who’s to blame for it, not some poor intern.”

“She’s so cute,” Kihal coos across the cluster. “She’s got morals and everything.”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Higata deadpans. “Didn’t you unionize the Yuris office?”

Her teeth flash predator white between the crimson stain of her lips. “Why do you think I volunteered to work this gig?”

He sighs, long-suffering. “See, this is the problem: the both of you like working too much. It’s getting in the way of having someone fetch my coffee for me.”

Shirayuki levels her best glare at him, the one she’s honed from one too many long nights in the editing bay. “If we had a PA, their job would not be to get you coffee.”

“If we had a PA, their job would be to make these stupid phone calls so Shirayuki can get actual work done,” Kihal informs him with a playful superiority than makes his eyes roll. “Instead of spending all day in a fugue of sadness and misery because no one will take her seriously.”

Shirayuki almost protests—there’s no fugue, and if anything, the rejections just make her more desperate and determined, but—

Her list of high-profile options has been reduced by a half, red lines spiking through some of her best hits with no relief in sight. She is about two seconds from eating her feelings through the oversized cinnamon buns in the company vending machine, and a fugue state is starting to sound like a preferable way to spend her afternoon.

“Ugh,” she decides, and lays down again.

“There, there,” Kihal croons, patting her back across their desks. “Someone will have to give you the time of day at some point.”

“I’m getting calls back.” She rolls over onto one cheek, thoughtful. “People are fans of the show! They just...don’t think we’re serious.”

Kihal scoffs. “About what? Aliens? Ghosts? I’ve been fielding queries all morning from Shuuka asking which direction we want to go for The Alexandria episode.”

“It’s the whole ghost hunting angle.” Higata leans over, liberating her artichoke from her grip, tossing it between his hands. “If I want to be fair, which I don’t, but here we are—it’s a new direction for the show. I guess it could be confusing to people used to our format.”

“I know, I know.” She pillows her chin with her hands, letting out a sigh. “I just wish one of them would give us a confirmation instead of—“ she waves her hand at her empty schedule—“all this.”

“They will.” She doesn’t know where Higata unearths all this unearned confidence, but she’s glad one of them has. “Let this season run its course. Zen was never big on the supernatural episodes, but these ones with Obi...people are definitely going to pay attention.”

He wouldn’t be saying that if he had to suggest waiting to Izana Wisteria. “They’re already paying attention to Obi. I’m always getting asked if--”

“If I’m as handsome as I look on screen?”

The thing is-- she’s not expecting it. One minute she’s sprawled across her desk, and the next Obi’s purr is tickling her ear, and--

“Ow, fff--” his gaze darts over where he clenches his nose-- “fudge. Sicles.”

“Nice save,” Kihal deadpans. “Now if only you could do that in the first minute of every video.”

“What can I say,” he honks, rubbing his nose. “I’m an off-the-cuff kind of guy.”

“You’re a ‘ruining our monetization’ kind of guy,” she shoots back, though she pushes over an abandoned chair for him to sit on.

“Oh, Obi!” Shirayuki yelps, hands hovering on either side of his face as he sits. “I’m so sorry! I was just--”

“Surprised, yeah, got that part.” he lifts his fingers, wobbling the bridge of his nose. “No harm done.”

“Good thing,” Higata mutters, “that face gets views.”

“Oh please.” Obi grins, devastating as always. “Chicks love a broken nose.”

Kihal barks out a laugh. “When it comes to you, chicks love breathing.”

He shrugs, sliding into a slouch. “Still no luck, I’m guessing?”

“None,” Shirayuki confirms. “Though people have been saying they enjoy the new season.”

“The concierge at the Roosevelt says you’re a lot cuter than Zen,” Kihal offers, needlessly.

Obi’s grin widens, wolfish. “You don’t say.”

“Maybe you should start using that Abayan charm to get us some bookings,” Kihal suggests wryly. “Earn your keep around here.”

“Please, I earn my keep. I’m the eye candy.” He winks. “Besides, I’d be happy to, but the big boss over here always tells me--”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Shirayuki says, “it’s really my job--”

Higata waves a hand, long suffering. “You see the problem.”

“I do.” Kihal settles back. “Well, if you really just need a place...”

“I’ll take anything at this point,” she says to the particleboard of the ceiling. “Even if it’s just a haunted hole in the ground.”

“All right, well--” Kihal grins, sheepish-- “my condo is haunted.”

[Obi] So you’re telling me that this is just some crazy lady’s house, filled with all her stuff?

[Shirayuki] Isabella Stewart Gardner was a socialite and a philanthropist, *not* a crazy lady.

[Obi] Right, okay, but...she did turn her house into a museum, and then made everyone promise not to touch it. Not exactly what I think of when someone says ‘stable.’

[Shirayuki] Because she *curated* it, Obi!

[Obi] So what you’re telling me is that she knew that from forever to the end of time, she would have better taste than everyone else on the planet.

[Shirayuki] *sputtering* W-well--

[Obi] No, no, you’re right. I retract the crazy lady thing. Because that’s *baller*.

[Shirayuki] *laughs* O-obi!

[Obi] I want to be that lady. Like that is shade from the grave.

[Shirayuki] . . . . She also was personally friends with Monet.

[Obi] SEE? Life goals.

“So,” Obi hums from around a dumpling, his chopsticks already rooting for another, “what do you think?”

Shirayuki looks up, halfway through a very un-dainty bite of her own. “About--? Oh! I can’t believe they’re only fifty cents each! Where did you find this place?”

Despite his reputation on camera-- forward-facing, casual, intimate-- Obi isn’t someone who looks at people head-on. She’ll catch a glance sometimes, or maybe a considering look from the corner of his eyes, but for the most part, he’s always moving, eyes darting around to watch who filters into a room, or at the cars moving outside, or staring down the squirrel that likes to scratch at their window.

So when he looks at her, gold eyes trapping her as thoroughly as amber, she notices.

“Well,” he says after a long moment, “when you run a food show, people do give you some hot tips. But, ah--” he rubs at the back of his head, ears pink at the tips-- “that wasn’t really what I, ah, meant.”

Her mouth rounds. “Oh.”

His hands raise, chopsticks knitted under his knuckles. “Though I’m glad you like it! It’s, ah, one of my favorite places too. I just thought that you might have some, er--” he grimaces-- “thoughts, about the whole haunted condo thing.”

“Oh! That.” She taps her chopsticks on her plate, trying to gather her thoughts. “I just think...I don’t know. It’s not a bad place to start, but I just wanted...”

She blows out her cheeks on a sigh. “The ghost hunting is a new aspect of the show, and I wanted us to come out strong with an actual location...”

His mouth curls at a corner, too knowing. “And having us just carry around proton packs and talk about cold spots in a friend’s house isn’t really going to do much for our supernatural cred?”

“Yeah.” She slumps against the chair, defeat. “That. But I also feel like beggars can’t be choosers, and no one else is telling us yes, so...”

He nods, mouth pressed into a thoughtful line. “So there’s no rush to say no.”

“Right, yeah.” She glances at him from the corners of her eyes. “How about you?”

Obi blinks, eyes fluttering wide. “Me? This isn’t really my--” he hesitates, mouth working, starting a half dozen words-- “ah, I mean, I think...it’s smart. You’re right, a bigger place will give us more credit, but if one doesn’t come through then we have to start somewhere. Besides,” his mouth tics at a corner, twitching toward a smirk-- “I’ve always wondered whether she’s bikini or boyshorts.”

It’s only when her chin hits her chest that she realizes her jaw has dropped. “We’re not there to look in her underwear drawer!”

“Well, we’re not at work for her to look in my gym bag either,” he replies, sour, “but she did anyway.”

“She already said that was an accident--”

“--a likely story--”

“--That’s not what I meant anyway,” she admits with a huff. “I wanted to know if you were okay with the whole, ah...” her shoulders round, shy-- “metrics thing.”

“Metrics?” His head cocks, quizzical, but then-- “you mean, the stuff Izana showed us weeks ago?”

“Two weeks ago,” she corrects, heat flaring on her cheeks, “and, um, yes. I just...you’re not mad?”

Obi stares. “About what?”

“Unsolved.”

He shakes his head. “You’re...really going to have to be more specific than that.”

“The ratings.” She pokes at a dumpling, miserable. “Stand the Heat-- that’s your baby isn’t it? You pitched it and everything.”

“I...did?” he says, brow furrowed. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s just-- Unsolved is doing better.” It’s not bragging, she knows that, but it feels like it. “And it’s-- it’s okay if you’re, um, upset about it. You’ve been doing this for--”

“OH.” Obi coughs, suddenly looking anywhere but at their table. “No, I really-- you don’t need to worry about that. At all. Please.”

She stares. “Obi, it’s okay. I’m not going to take it personally if you--”

“Kid, please,” he begs, holding up his hands. “It’s nothing. I mean, yeah, if Stand the Heat was on top, I’d be happy. I mean, I was happy when it was on top. But, this is...” his fingers twirl his chopstick mindlessly-- “this is good, too.”

“But--”

“Listen, I know you may find this hard to believe, especially with how we, uh, met, but I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a huge fan of the show. Not even a little. Understated it, in fact.” The tips of his ears flush. “So, uh, it’s kind of cool that I joined my favorite show, and now it’s super popular. That’s sort of the whole fanboy dream, right?”

“O-oh!” She stares down at her hands, willing them to stop trembling. “I, uh...I didn’t...I didn’t really think of it like that.”

“Yeah, well, now you know you don’t have to worry about it,” he says with a laugh. “I’m living the dream here. Not only am I on the show, but I’m more popular than the last guy. And I get to take the cute host out to lunch and call it business. The only square I need to finish fanboy bingo is getting to ki--”

His teeth snap down, so loud she hears the click. “Haah, never mind. Hey look, is that the waiter? Could we, ah, get the check?”

[Sender]: [email protected] [Recipients]: [email protected] [Subject]: Season 3 Hard Proposal

Is there any reason this isn’t in my inbox already?

Shirayuki closes her inbox with a grimace. “Ah, hey, Kihal?”

Her editor looks up, brows raised. “Yeah?”

She licks her lips, bracing herself. “Just...how haunted do you think your condo is?”

#obiyuki #akagami no shirayukihime #snow white with the red hair #my fic #ans #buzzfeed unsolved AU #ghost hunting got pushed back for FREESTYLE FLIRTING #so i'm sure none of you will complain #but also I had lots of thinky thoughts about how i didn't want to push aside the show aspect to do just the romance #since the manga focuses hardcore on her career #listen guys the second chapter of fics is always the hardest because then you're thinking of TONE and OTHER STRUCTURE THINGS #esp since i wasn't sure if i would expand this beyond a one shot #so i had to decided if this was gonna be straight up rom com business #or whether i wanted to be shirayuki making this show work as it sort of grows beyond the two pony operation she had before #and also here is her hot co-host she keeps accidentally flirting with oh no #obviously i'm going the second route here #so ENJOY

21 notes · View notes

hgfstreamchats · 5 years

Text

Jason Goes to Hell

Come on Kast... Kast, just once. Just. Once. Hello! Remember when we used livestream and the only thing we had to worry about were the many, many problems inherent in livestream? Hello, night human! I remember it fondly. Those were the days. I still have no audio. Hmmm... is there--yeah, me neither Still no audio? Nope. Still none Oh afts. Mmmmaybe you have something muted in kast itself? I cannot hear the terrible dance. Drat. It's very possible. It went through some kind of hideous update. Great. Glorious. Hmmmm. Nothing? Nothing Nothing. I hear it! there it is! GLORIOUS!

And it just cut out And it's back There. There we are. What was the problem? Wonderful! Emulator nonsense, the usual. Ahhh Look at that pumpkin man go. He's certainly got the music in him. What precisely is this? ohhhhh jeez I'm also wondering Either an underrated found footage film or pure garbage. We're watching now so that if it's filth, we still have time to end the month on a high note. I see... "remember that name" Once again, I already care nothing for these characters! This filming format is so obnoxious. I'm sure there's a totally normal reason he's setting up a camera in his RV like that Whichever one did that is now Smokescreen. Somehow I guess it didn't occur to me that haunted houses would run for more than one day The general idea of the thing sounds fun. I'd do it if I were human or capable of fitting into human buildings. There you go! Just make a found footage film starring me! Just stick your head in, it'll be fine "I'm here, you all figure out the rest." There are outdoor haunts. Or haunted corn mazes. You could possibly attend one of those. Yeah! Just drive around in it As I suspect a maze loses some of its charm when you can just step over the walls Don't tempt me. I'll do it and the Autobot pets will whine to the Autobots. I would tempt you just to get the pets to whine about it. I guess you could also see if someone from one of those universes where they can project holoforms further, is willing to share If I do, I demand a copy of the report so I can frame it. This is how to get kicked off a property. ... yikes I hate them all immensely. So, do you think that these terrible people will die, or just annoy us for an hour and a half? So do they die, or what Ugh. Even the Blair Witch humans weren't this obnoxious. These wretches would fit in with the pretentious Book of Shadow humans. Shut up! ?? Them, not either of you. I feel like even if your conceit is "found footage", you can damn well edit it to only the interesting bits But if we don't see the worthless chaff, then how will we know it's "art"? If they don't stop talking, ever, how else can we be expected to care whether they live or die? And you get that same "wait, why were they even filming this in the first place" feeling At this point, I'm solidly on Team Clown. Ah. So they are being stalked by the actors from the first haunt they pissed off. So spooky. I think so? Why did they... let them in For maximum spooky. "okay this isn't so much 'scary' as 'awkward'" What exactly did they do at the first haunt? I, uh, may have gotten up for a minute to get the kettle If anyone has suggestions for real horror movies that would go down nicely after this, do feel free to throw them out, because we're not touching the sequel with a 40 foot pole. And apparently missed Vital Plot Info (tm) They climbed an unattended ladder, and screeched at the waiting line crowd. Ohhhh. Yeah, not cool Do you want a real good horror movie, or a real silly horror movie? Either, any! Well, there is always Jason Goes to Hell. Or Texas Chainsaw 3D OH! Yes! Either is infinitely more fun than this. Jason Goes to Hell it is! OH WHAT A SHAME IT'S THE END AND THEY'RE DYING. HOWEVER DID THIS HAPPEN. WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED Are they actually dying? Hopefully? BUT THEY'VE LOST NONE OF THEIR USUAL CHARM, CLEARLY. Shaun! Damn it, don't make me laugh when I'm about to drink something Oh no! He got vaguely attacked in the dark. And she got red kool-aide on her sweater. She'll never get those stains out! The true tragedy. The frag would this be filmed? Uh oh, is it time for snakes Why does that one get cushions and kool aide doesn't? ...who's filming that She got a snack instead. I don't despise kool aide like I do beard-face. By all means, none of you try to push out while the dirt is pile on soft and shallow. *piled Oh, shut up. Thank you. I think that was as much of that as we needed to see They didn't have the decency to *die* entertaining. This should be much more entertaining. People die in ridiculous ways. Do you know what irritates me most of all? It had such a compelling title. That's what lured me in. I assumed nothing with a title that good could possibly be bad. If it had been a real documentary on the haunted house industry, then I think it would have been good. It would have been! Yeah, that could have been interesting! This is already more interesting. What a necessary scene, I'm sure It is a horror movie. Jason looks...bloated. He's a bit worse for wear. Comes of being in the lake all that time Oh hey So she was the bait Was that an air strike And then he explodes. That should do it. Graphic design is their passion. It just does this the rest of the movie. The longest mid-credit roll of them all. Ha. Just keep poking it. What I'm getting is that there were just a whole bunch of people who wanted prominence in the credits, and sacrifices had to be made The scale numbers changing is a nice touch Uh Ew ...Huh. I feel bad for that guy This is the Friday movie that was made just after New Line purchased the rights. They... did not know how to make a proper Jason movie. Oh boy o oh Hi! is this a youtube poop Hey! It's Jason Goes To Hell Smokescreen! Woojit! What is this? You barely missed the credits! Oooh! I did it! I came just in time! What you missed: a military op killed Jason, then when the coroner was disecting him, his heart started beating and he possessed the coroner. That's just how it is sometimes! Apparently! Oooh, this is like a scraplet horror fantasy novel I read like, vorns ago It is? Like, the body snatching? Oh! ... are they smoking in the cafe??? is that allowed? Used to be. does everyone do that or is he just doing it because Apparently they're all just...like this? That's how it is. ... Can I smoke in here? I would prefer you did not. Oh, good, important information to be imparted later! I'm sure everyone will survive until then Since when do you smoke, Smokescreen? Well, one or two times, Wheeljack gave me something and it wasn't bad! "haha just a joke, only like eighty people have died there" This certainly is how people talk. Uh. Ugh. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in the tent after whatever slag they're getting int-oh "I'll just sleep outside and listen." Like any good friend on an awkward camping trip. Of course. Nothing says "third wheel" like being the one who gets to sleep OUTSIDE the tent, half-naked You'd think they might have brought an extra tent. Sometimes, you just want to frag a tree .....*What?* Not everyone has your love of plant life, Smokescreen. What? NO I didn't mean it like that! Like... Some humans really are tree huggers? Nothing wrong with tree-fraggin! . . . . There was a human in the last film that frags pumpkins. We thought of you. Woojit, I'm gonna find an owl movie just for you. It won't be anywhere near as painful as said last movie. Unless it is a found footage owl movie. "nah, we don't need a condom, we're not surviving the movie anyway" w Primus, was the last movie THAT bad? It was wretched. Just intolerable. From what we saw, it seemed to be about 10 minutes of plot drawn out into an hour and a half of movie With zero (0) likeable characters I have to admit, this wasn't really what I was expecting This movie's just all over the place. Oh dear. It's the worst Friday movie. But still entertaining in a terrible way. No, I don't know why this is happening. That is definitely how reflections work. Magic! Wait, this is a friday movie? Yes. Jason Goes to Hell, part 9. Oh, I thought all Jasons were just like that. ... I saw a Jason movie with a bot not that long ago, huh! So... did he shave him out of like... vanity? he didn't want a moustache? christ The classic 'A body swapped Jason killed that lady' misunderstanding. Agent Scully! Man, how many people do you think were like "jason swapped bodies with me :(" in court ..... is jason the baby No? Oh so that's the asshole bounty hunter or whatever Now I want, no, need Jason to be the baby. I know, right? With a tiny, baby sized knife and hockey mask? What the hell is wrong with this guy Who doesn't enjoy breaking fingers to pay off the exposition dump? Man, I'm pretty sure I would've gotten kicked out the autobots and broken everyone's fingers if I broke someone's fingers everytime I started expositioning It sounds like a Soundwave method more than anything. Yep. Its name is Jason. I hope he didn't just taste that Facebook Oh good, the Necronomicon See, because it had a face in the cover-- How did he manage to steal a body? what the fuck Hopefully HE'LL--yep, guess so! Bleh Well, that takes care of that. She's crying because her shower stream is so weak. Kidnap her. Women love that. I feel like maybe he could have accomplished more by calling her from jail or something Instead of all these shenanigans oh UGH UGH. UGH. Are you not entertained? Uh oh Hah! ...Did that do it? Did the right person kill him? Nope. Ah Jason was more interesting when he only cared about his mother and his lake. I did mention this was worst Friday movie. ...I'm not sure that WAS him I mean, Jason hasn't actually... talked, so far It was a terrible worm thing, this whole time. I didn't think he could downgrade from the spaghetti-gut rotting corpse but here we are. Ohhhh shit There he is! I have to admit, I wasn't expecting that Oh what that pit sure came in handy Not the puppet hands! And there you have it. What a twist, kind of! Well! Still better nonsense than the last one. A marked improvement. And to think I thought this movie was going to be about him going to hell and, I don't know, stabbing demons or something. You're not the only one. I want a toyota beef! That would have been more fun, and that's not allowed. Hehehe. TWO things are wrong in the picture! ... isn't the kid pushing floating The boy is floating! What What. ... Does primus does primus have a good question doesn't he hang out on tumblr? you could ask him next time you see him Oh yes, that sounds like a good idea. That won't go wrong, I'm sure. Technically I didn't say it was a good idea It's an awesome idea! Primus adores me Then go right ahead, Smokescreen. You got it! It'll at least go better than calling Unicron a dilf ...You called Unicron a what a dilf? Why did you do that? To bug him? Oh, well then. One day that may come back to literally bite you in the aft. Well, that's all I've got! Well, once again, thanks for the stream! woojit woojit woojit I've got a horror movie for us for sometime! Thank you for that stream salvaging suggestion, Starscream. Oh, what? *listening face* The Brave Little Toaster? Yes, thanks! You know the sene It was the least I could offer. This was much better than the other thing Absolutely not. I'm not that sadistic. Oh. ... Am I that sadistic Oh my It's, uh, it's a pretty gruesome movie in some ways I'm sure nobody thinks you're sadistic, Smokescreen I think he tries. Oh, he already left. Unless that's Kast being weird again. The Brave Little Toaster is the sadistic one. Well, goodnight! Goodnight, All. Good night, everyone!

0 notes

recentanimenews · 5 years

Text

Bookshelf Briefs 9/26/19

Black Clover, Vol. 17 | By Yuki Tabata | Viz Media – As predicted, friends are fighting friends in this one, as a good deal of the cast have been Possessed By Elves. Not Asta, of course; he’s our hero. But Yuno seems to be affected… except he proves to be the only one with the mental strength to throw it off. I’d roll my eyes at this if it weren’t Black Clover, a series that runs on clichés. Speaking of which, remember that nun from chapter one? The one Asta is theoretically still in love with? She returns here as the villains go after the orphanage, allowing Asta and Yuno to return and show off how much they’ve grown. Black Clover loves to run on things we’ve seen before, but this volume may have had a bit TOO much of that, as it was unsurprising. But still fun. – Sean Gaffney

Daytime Shooting Star, Vol. 2 | By Mika Yamamori | Viz Media – I will admit, this series is going to live or die on how far it takes the teacher student romance—I don’t THINK it’s endgame, but as with most shoujo it’s hard to make sure. (Shonen romances are nice enough to telegraph the winner in the first chapter.) It’s well-crafted, and the author seems to be aware of the issues it involves, but we shall see. Till then, I do enjoy the kids hanging out with each other, particularly when Suzume manages to be so sleepy during a study break that Yuyuya’s mask slips off and she starts berating her in front of everyone—though the masochistic guys she then starts to attract are less welcome. I enjoy the sense of humor and characters in this, despite some issues. – Sean Gaffney

Daytime Shooting Star, Vol. 2 | By Mika Yamamori | VIZ Media – Daytime Shooting Star continues to be far better than it seems like it’s going to be, with a student-teacher romance at its core. The important factor, of course, is that Suzune’s love for Shishio is unrequited, though he does finally become aware of it at the end of this volume. One thing I really love is that there’s drama—Suzune has made friends with Yuyuka (who has a subplot of her own in which she slips up and shows her true belligerent self and gains some masochistic devotees as a result) and is attempting to shield her from the knowledge that the boy Yuyuka likes (Mamura) instead likes Suzune—but no cartoonish, over-the-top villains. There’s just complicated circumstances and likable characters and it’s all really great. I hope it doesn’t spoil it all by doing something stupid like hooking up Suzune and Shishio, at least while she’s still a student. – Michelle Smith

Emanon, Vol. 2: Emanon Wanderer, Part One | By Shinji Kajio and Kenji Tsurata | Dark Horse Comics – This is two large short stories continuing the story of a young woman who has memories going back to the dawn of time. We get a better understanding of what happens when she moves from mother to daughter, and what happens to the mother—it’s disturbing and a bit terrifying, no surprises there. The current Emanon also has a twin brother, something that’s never happened before, and their reunion is as awkward as you can imagine. As for the first story, boy howdy that is a lot of nudity. It’s absolutely gorgeous—the art alone is worth buying this for. But boy howdy, that is an AWFUL lot of nudity. Interested to see where this goes next. – Sean Gaffney

Golden Kamuy, Vol. 11 | By Satoru Noda | Viz Media – This volume gives us the Golden Kamuy equivalent of Bonnie and Clyde in two lovers, now reunited after he gets out of prison, who love to make love and also love to kill people. Naturally, they run afoul of the 7th Division, but the action sequences are absolute gold. Meanwhile, Sugimoto and company are running into a new outlaw running around defiling animals. Biblically. If you’re the sort to be bothered by a two-page spread of a man screwing a deer… well, you likely stopped reading Golden Kamuy long ago, but I feel I should give the warning anyway. It’s also sort of hilarious, like a lot of Golden Kamuy‘s grossest moments. Even for a series that runs on pure “what the hell?” this volume was pretty bonkers. – Sean Gaffney

The Ideal Sponger Life, Vol. 3 | By Tsunehiko Watanabe and Neko Hinotsuki | Seven Seas – Even when our lead couple have successfully coupled, there’s still intrigue. Zenjiro NOT taking a second lover is proving to be, you’ll pardon me, a royal pain, and his pretense (which is somewhat true) that he’s so gaga over Aura that he can’t even look at another woman will only take him so far. Worse, once Aura’s pregnancy gets out, it turns out that Zenjiro’s ancestors may actually ALSO be from this world, which means trouble if the two magical powers combine in their child. Fortunately, our hero is also really good at contractual language, something we rarely see in an isekai. I’ll be honest, this is a LOT more interesting than I was ever expecting. I want more. – Sean Gaffney

Queen Bee, Vol. 1 | By Shizuru Seino | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – I read Seino’s Girl Got Game back in the day, but truth be told, I didn’t like it very much. Queen Bee is definitely an improvement, though I continue to not love Seino-sensei’s approach to zany comedy. (I just think too hard about where random chainsaws came from, for example.) Anyway, the premise here is that Mihane Hirata is an aggressive girl with a scary face who’s in love with the class prince, Toma. He thinks she’s interesting and wants to get to know her, but doesn’t want her for a girlfriend. What I didn’t like was all the background characters who keep popping up to comment about how hideous Mihane is, but what I do like is both Mihane’s self-loathing and Toma’s insistence that she should just be herself. If this were longer, I might pass, but as it’s complete in three volumes, I will probably finish reading it. – Michelle Smith

Uzaki-chan Wants to Hang Out!, Vol. 1 | By Take| Seven Seas – Given the titular heroine, all puns intended, and the fact that the book literally has a raised cover so you can see her boobs stick out, you would think this would in fact be pretty lewd. It’s not. Aside from one or two accidental gropes and a brief shot of Uzaki in the shower, this is not a title about boobs. What is it? Well, picture Teasing Master Takagi-san if she were actually bad at it. Uzaki really likes her sempai and wants to hang out with him all the time. He finds her overeager personality and ludicrous breasts to be rather exhausting, but doesn’t dislike her per se, so they do in fact hang out a lot. Slice-of-life then occurs. If you like that sort of manga, and can tolerate the breasts, this is worth a look. – Sean Gaffney

The Way of the Househusband, Vol. 1 | By Kousuke Oono | Viz Media – One of the manga debuts that I was most looking forward to this year was The Way of the Househusband. The premise is simple enough—a legendary yakuza boss known as The Immortal Dragon has left the underworld behind and now lives a his life as a stay-at-home spouse—but Oono’s execution is brilliant. The intensity, fervor, and complete earnestness of this former yakuza in his approach to household chores, shopping, and all the rest is magnificent to behold. I would certainly be interested in learning more about The Immortal Dragon’s wife and the story behind them settling down into marital bliss, but even if that is never more than hinted at, I expect The Way of the Househusband will continue to be immensely satisfying and ridiculous in the best sort of ways. I was not at all disappointed by the first volume and am eagerly awaiting future installments. – Ash Brown

The Way of the Househusband, Vol. 1 | By Kousuke Oono | VIZ Media – Tatsu used to be a revered yakuza known as “The Immortal Dragon,” but now he’s given up that life to pursue happy domesticity. Seldom has a series won my heart so quickly. It actually wasn’t the “cozy yakuza comedy” aspect, though that offers plenty of amusing scenarios, from Tatsu thoroughly intimidating an unscrupulous door-to-door salesman to drafting rival thugs to help him at a bargain sale to taking cooking lessons with a bunch of ladies to exclaiming “hot damn” over a great deal on cabbage. No, it was the cat, curiously sauntering into the background to survey the goings-on. The kitty has the best reactions (and some bonus chapters of his own). Tatsu’s career-woman/otaku wife Miku is great, too, and I look forward to the story of how they met. This short volume goes by swiftly, but it is quite the treat. – Michelle Smith

Why Shouldn’t a Detestable Demon Lord Fall in Love? Vol. 1 | By Nekomata Nuko and teffish| Sol Press – This book is like just eating pure sugar from the bag. For once the demon lord is the one summoned to another world. He’s fine with that, as a) everyone hated and misunderstood him in his own world, and b) his summoner is a hot young woman raising two cute orphan children. He’s nice. She’s nice. The kids are nice. Even the tsundere kid is really nice. There is an evil lord and his evil assistant, and they are the standard “I have no redeeming features” brand of evil, but you get the sense they were put in by editorial decree. The author just likes writing sweet married life scenes. I don’t know whether this deserves more volumes, but it was pretty good. – Sean Gaffney

Witch Hat Atelier, Vol. 3 | By Kamome Shirahama | Kodansha Comics – It’s titles like these that make you realize the sorts of things Harry Potter didn’t do. After resolving the cliffhanger of the previous volume, Coco continues to learn how to be a witch, helped by a young man in a potions workshop who can’t see colors, which makes it hard to, well, tell potions apart, as absentminded folks don’t really label them well. He’s a smart cookie, though, and shows her a shortcut that might help save her mother. Meanwhile, a lot of forces are making things more difficult for her—both actual antagonists, giving her secret powerful ink, or her own teacher, who may be more of a smiling villain than anything else. One of the best new titles this year. – Sean Gaffney

By: Ash Brown

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

0 notes

myhahnestopinion · 7 years

Text

The Night CRACKHEAD FRANK GORSHIN AND THOSE DARN HIPPIE COMMIE ROCK-AND-ROLL CULTISTS Came Home: IGOR AND THE LUNATICS (1985)

What’s in a name? Well, for a horror movie, a name should have some signifier as to the frights one can expect within. Paranormal Activity relays to us that there will be activity, and that it will be of the paranormal nature. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre informs us that there will be a massacre, in Texas, with a Chainsaw. These are good titles. What is one supposed to do with a title like Igor and the Lunatics though? I mean, is that, like, a band?

Well, um, I really don’t have anything else with which to introduce today’s film, so, uh, let’s get to it. Today we look at Igor and the Lunatics, presumably about a rock band.

The film begins with a young woman running through an abandoned saw mill. She is pursued by a trio of characters, dressed in a manner that does nothing to dissuade me from believing this film centers on a rock-and-roll band, who capture her. “You’re scum” the woman spits.

“Who’s scum? We’ll see,” one of the bandmates replies, before tearing the woman’s clothes off, tying her down, and chopping her in half in a saw mill, a manner that does nothing to dissuade me from believing that they are indeed scum.

The opening credits that play over this scene list the film as being directed by Billy Parolini. It also has a credit stating that the film’s “Horror, Action, and Suspense sequences” were directed by Tom Doran and Brenden Faulkner. Now, this may lead one to wonder what exactly Billy Parolini directed in this horror film in which he did not direct any of the horror scenes, but upon watching the movie, I’m more curious about which scenes the other two were in charge of, given that the film does not have any horror, action, or suspense that I can make out.

We cut to a mustachioed man, Tom, brandishing a gun in front of a mirror, before leaving a note at the bedside of his red-headed lover, Mary Anne. Mary Anne awakens and reads the note, which tells her to read this diary. She then puts down the note and begins to read the diary. One may wonder why the film felt it necessary to make this a two-step process, but perhaps it was to establish that Tom expresses himself in many ways, as also indicated by the fact that his voice-over noticeably switches recordings every other sentence.

Tom narrates this diary to the audience in voice over, as the film cuts to footage of the transcribed events. The diary regales us with the history of a group of people with whom Tom used to drink, do drugs, and pray. Turns out that they are not a rock-and-roll band though. They were a group of hippies. No, wait, they were a group of communists. Nope, nevermind, they are actually a cult. There is no distinction between these three groups that the film cares about making.

The cult is centered around worshiping a man named Paul… or maybe Byron… The characters in the film can’t seem to decide what to call him. After having sex with one of his followers in the hopes of conceiving an heir, Paul stands up suddenly and rigidly, and declares in a monotone voice, “Let this mark the end of our time together.” This is, of course, the proper procedure for announcing when one has finished.

Paul moves the hippie commie cult from the “Lower East side” to a cabin in the woods, where, as Tom informs us, he “outlaws monogamy.” Now, Tom was perfectly happy with all this drinking, taking drugs, and packing up his entire life to go live with this random man in the middle of nowhere, but outlawing monogamy is just a step too far for him! After being unable to convince Sharon, a cultist pregnant with his child, to accompany him, Tom decides to leave the cult. But, as with all cults, this is easier said than done!

Nope, actually it’s pretty easily done. They just let him leave. I guess this was one of the scenes that didn’t fall under that “Horror, Action, and Suspense” umbrella.

Tom explains that he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t on board with these new teachings, referencing another cultist named Sara. “I only learned what became of her years afterwards,” Tom narrates from his diary. The film then proceeds to replay the opening scene of the woman being killed in the sawmill. In its entirety. The same scene. Played again. I, uh, already used up all my comments on this scene, so not sure what to do with this. Mindless repetition is conducive to cult-building, not to movie making, Igor and the Lunatics.

To be fair, there is some new footage attached to this scene this time around. It’s here that we are introduced to the eponymous Igor. Well, maybe not, considering he’s actually credited as “Ygor” with a “Y”. There is never a character named “Igor” with an “I” though, so presumably this is the one. Perhaps the inconsistent spelling is meant to indicate to us how unhinged this man is, though this is immediately evident through Joe Niola’s performance. The best way in which I can describe this performance to you is that it is essentially Frank Gorshin’s Riddler from the 1960’s Batman show… if he was constantly on large amounts of crack.

…Hmm, actually, come to think of it, that might not be a necessary distinction. It’s hard to see how there weren’t already lots of drugs involved in the making of 60s Batman.

This new footage of Ygor actually uses a nice bit of misdirection. Ygor awakens, chained to a tree, and is distraught over Paul going off to kill Sara. He yells out her name in agony, and tugs at the chains. After breaking free, he witnesses Sara being sawed in half. It is revealed that his expressed concern was not because he cared for Sara, but because he wanted to kill her with a knife, instead of using the “dirty machine.” It’s a fun trick, only undone by the over-the-top performance, nonsensical editing, and bad writing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a good scene, except for the fact that it is a bad scene.

Tom goes on to narrate how the cult was eventually broken up by the police, as shown in this scene where policers officers break into their cabin, punch everyone in the face repeatedly, and leave Sharon’s newborn baby abandoned in the woods. If you’re having difficulty figuring out who the good guys are in this scenario, why then you’re probably a darn hippie communist yourself, goshdarnnit!

Paul and his cultists are arrested, and spend the next several years in jail. The film then jumps forward in time, where the hippies are released on parole. “The exact day and time that I predicted!” Paul declares triumphantly, as he steps outside the prison gates. WOAH! YOU GUYS! THIS MAN PREDICTED THE EXACT DATE AND TIME OF HIS PRISION RELEASE! A THING THAT IS SCHEDULED FAR IN ADVANCE AND TYPICALLY HAS TO GO THROUGH MULTIPLE LEVELS OF BEURACRACY TO CONFIRM THE EXACT TIME. TRULY THIS MAN HAS AN EXTRAORDINARY GIFT AND WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HIS CULT!

Anyway, Paul, Ygor, and the other hippies decide that, because the town rejected their cult’s teaching, they should start killing everyone in town. They begin by picking up a random hitchhiker and having Ygor cut out her heart. “One day you’ll have your own operating license. But now it’s time for me to operate!” Ygor screeches before he cuts open the woman, apparently implying that he himself holds an operating license. I mean, I guess after seeing Hospital Massacre, I’m no longer surprised by killers going through all the years of expensive medical school just for the chance to cut one woman’s heart out.

And this point, when the movie has rambled on for quite a while without establishing any coherent direction, it decides to reintroduce us to Mary Anne, the woman who has been reading the diary this whole time. It’s unclear why the movie is making Mary Anne read from Tom’s diary about the events she participated in and Tom did not. Maybe it’s to help her make sense of what exactly those events were, because, well, I certainly can’t.

First, Mary Anne meets two random guys drinking on a park bench, who tell her about the cult that used to reside in town. Following the surefire advice of two random drunk sexual harassers, Mary Anne decides to visit the cult’s cabin in the woods, where an arm reaches out through a window to grab her. This window is covered by a thin sheet of plastic wrap that the arm tears through to grab Mary Anne, and I’m not sure whether this was to indicate that the cabin has been rundown for a while now, or if this film honestly couldn’t afford a plate of glass.

After being attacked, Mary Anne runs into town, not to the police, but to the nearest bar. It is here that she meets two more random drunk characters that she is apparently familiar with, yet who will never show up again in the film. Later, she meets a painting woman named Lucielle… or maybe Colette… The film can’t seem to decide. Mary Anne suggests to Colette that she should try painting “the cornfield behind Galen’s house,” which Colette agrees to do. We cut to Colette in this cornfield, where she is promptly killed by Paul and the other cultists. You know, Collette really should have just taken a lesson from the director of this movie and outsourced the production of her art!

We’re then reintroduced to Tom’s character, having now grown his mustachio from the film’s beginning. Tom is back in town to speak at “The convention,” though what convention is never specified, so feel free to speculate. He meets Sharon again, who’s now working as one of the three prostitutes in this small town. Despite trying to distance himself from the cult, Tom gets dragged back in when one of the cultists send him a tape-recording of Sharon being murdered. Well, half of the recording is of the murder, the other half of the tape is the sound of this cultist punching his way through a wooden door. It’s unclear why the cultist felt the need to include that half of their recording, but it makes sense when you consider that I don’t think anyone involved in this film knows what editing is.

“I knew then I had to stop them myself,” Tom informs us in voiceover. “So, I rented a car,” he adds, as the film shows a five second shot of a still image of a Budget Rental Car location, in case you were wondering just where this rental car was rented from. One does have to wonder why this was the one plot point that the film was insistent on clearing up, given that they seem content to let so many other things slide.

Speaking of things that the film could have developed instead of informing us of Tom’s exact preference for renting cars, there’s this character called Hawk who the film never bothers to properly introduce. All you really need to know about him is that he wears green camouflage in order to hide himself in a wooden barn, and that he picked up Sharon’s baby in the woods when the cops left him there so many years ago.

After Mary Anne discovers Colette murdered, she runs into the police station, but her cries for help are ignored. She runs outside, where she finally crosses paths with Tom, who runs her over with his car. As learned in Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, this is always the start of a great romance. “She came out of nowhere,” Tom says in voiceover, after hitting Mary Anne three steps after she exited the front door of the police station.

While I’ve tried my best so far to craft a navigable path through this film’s inept narrative structure, my efforts fall apart in explaining how the film tries to weave together its disparate plot threads for its conclusion. After Mary Anne meets Sharon’s son whom Hawk adopted, the cultists come to kidnap this child, believing him to be Paul’s heir. Though as Tom later explains to Paul in a gunpoint confrontation after going after the cultist, “He was my son all along, Paul. It takes longer than 5 months from conception to birth!” See, this is the problem with outlawing monogamy! You have to rely on pesky things like math to figure out who your parents are!

Pursued by the cultists, Mary Anne, Tom, and the boy try to get the help of an elderly woman, but are rejected. Man, where’s Granny from Silent Night, Deadly Night III when you need her?! So, they instead run into a barn for shelter. It is within this barn that Igor is hunted down by camouflaged Hawk, who kills him with a crossbow arrow to the skull. Paul is then later taken out by Mary Anne with this same crossbow. “It’s good to see him go,” the police chief later says to Tom, as the EMTs load a clearly still alive Paul into an ambulance. Let’s give the chief the benefit of the doubt, and say he was simply wishing Paul a successful ride in the ambulance, and not celebrating an unrealized demise.

We then cut back to the film’s framing story, in which Mary Anne is reading Tom’s diary of events she participated in, meant to explain to her what danger Tom must now go face alone, even though she lived through that danger and faced it with Tom. Maybe if Tom hadn’t felt the need to mansplain the entire movie to Mary Anne and had gotten his head out of his patriarchal ass, his quest to investigate if Paul and Ygor really had broken out of prison would have made it further than his living room, where he is shown dead.

Mary Anne subsequently heads downstairs, as is confronted by Igor, who is wielding what is apparently a two-inch tall butcher’s knife. I guess that, unlike the killer from Slumber Party Massacre II, Ygor feels no need to compensate for something with his choice of murder weapon. Before Ygor can kill Mary Anne, Tom gets up again and attacks Ygor. This is a pointless development, considering the film immediately cuts to news footage informing us that both Tom and Mary Anne were killed.

The film ends with a bizarre non-sequitur epilogue, in which some old couple visit a teppanyaki restaurant. “My little Jimmy,” the old woman moans, but her husband reminds her that they came to this teppanyaki place to forget about the death of this “Jimmy” person. Yes, I don’t know who Jimmy is, you guys, and I’m done backtracking through this film to figure out who it is. He can’t have been that important if simple teppanyaki can get this couple’s minds off of his passing. The couple suddenly look up to see that their chef is none other than Ygor, and the two scream as he turns his knife on them. I’m not quite sure when and how Ygor got this chief gig. You would think that, considering his operating license, he would be severely overqualified.

Igor and the Lunatics may not have been about a band after all, but the film does play an upbeat rock song over the end credits, in what amounts to a somewhat successful attempt to console my disappointment. Still, this can’t erase the fact that “Igor and the Lunatics” is a terrible title, for a terrible movie. Not only is there no “Igor” to be found anywhere, but the film seems to think that it can use its vague title to forgo having to construct any kind of central conflict or coherent path for the story to follow. I suppose this kind of incoherence can be expected from a horror film that delegates its actual “horror” scenes to a completely different director. You know, watching a film this incompetent really forces one to begin asking the big questions in life. Who am I? Why am I here? What does life even mean if a film like Igor and the Lunatics can get released? Can I even trust the nature of reality, because there is no rational reality I can realize where this was a film someone was willing to spend money making? With questions like these, there’s really only one place a person can go: into the welcoming arms of a rock-and-roll band! Who’s with me?

Igor and the Lunatics is available to stream on Amazon Prime, and is on DVD.

NEXT: The Night A DRUNK REAGAN-HATING SOUTHERN ZOMBIE OUTLAW Came Home…

#film #thenightxcamehome #halloween #igorandthelunatics #bad movies #horror films #so bad its good

0 notes