#anyway if you saw my twitter you know what spurred this post to be written AHSDHJDAS

[randomwords247]

Why does everyone in America think we in the UK use kilometres per hour?

We use more metric measurements than the USA sure but UK is arguably worse because we use a mix. Pints for milk and beer. Ounces sometimes in baking. Feet and inches for people's heights (if you tell me how tall you are in cm I will just look at you with empty dead eyes)

We use mph here in the UK. Iirc I think like trains do use kmph but I'm not 100% sure with that. Cars and stuff tho? Miles per hour. We're like the only country in Europe that uses mph but gosh darn do we use it

[athyrabunlord]

A Bet

A/N: random burst of muse. This is inspired by a popular tag on twitter #魔女集会で会いましょう (Let’s meet at the witches’ Sabbath”), where the theme is ‘a witch finds a human child and ends up raising him/her’. People mostly post original works but of course there are many fanarts under this theme as well. I have many ideas but ended settling on this one

Characters: Dia & Kanan Words: 3,096 ***This oneshot is written in second-person!*** Never written in this format before but I feel it really fits this story so, I gave it a try!

“A bet, you say?”

The human girl gives you a big grin. Those amethyst eyes are filled with an innocence that only a child could possess, blissfully unaware of the harsh world they have yet to see.

“Uh-huh! And if I win, you have to do anything I ask!”

No fear, just absolute trust and adoration. Such traits usually lead to certain death in the ruthless tundra that they live in but ah, she is with you, is she not? You are perhaps the Continent’s most feared Witch, infamous for surviving through many catastrophic wars unscathed.

This child is under your protection. Unwittingly yes, nevertheless still your responsibility. You pride yourself in never leaving any task unfinished, and so you could not bring yourself to abandon her. By chance, you had stumbled upon this orphaned child and had taken her with you on a whim. You had observed humans for centuries yet failed to understand, even now, how they have thrived in this world in spite of their countless shortcomings.

You simply want to understand, and it appears this child is just as curious as you are.

“You have heard stories about me. Surely, you can see the improbability of ever winning the bet?”

The girl furrows her brows, trying to process the difficult words you just uttered. She learns fast, as she always has, and the characteristic grin is back on her dirt-smudged face again.

“Oh I’ll find a way! This bet has no deadline, so I can just keep trying, can’t I?”

“I suppose you can.” You couldn’t help but sigh in mild exasperation. If anything, the child’s zest is impressive. Whenever she has a goal in mind, she strives to achieve it despite her young age and limited resources.

You had no idea how to raise a human child but somehow, between the two of you, an unlikely pair in this desolate terrain with sparse villages, she had grown from a toddler to an energetic kid who could climb trees on her own.

There is a slight swell of pride, much like the vague memories of when you learned to cast your very first spell and brew your first potion.

“Very well, you have a lifetime to learn how to get past my defense and land a hit on me.”

“Even a simple scratch counts!” The girl then holds out her pinkie. “I learned this in that last town we visited - it’s like a promise. You can’t go back on this bet.”

Amused, you crouch down to her level and hook your gloved pinkie around her tiny one. “Very well. I look forward to your attempts, Kanan.”

The girl laughs, a sound full of vitality and optimism. “Just wait, I’ll definitely win this bet, Dia-onee-san!”

With that proclamation, the child wraps her small arms around your neck and hugs you as tightly as her tiny body could muster.

Having lived a long, long time without any emotional upheaval, you are rather puzzled by this spur of warmth in your chest at that moment. Anticipation? A challenge to your monotonous quotidian life? Finally, a factor your power has no control over?

You find yourself smiling and returning the hug.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

“Gotcha!”

The ponytailed girl smirks, full of confidence and thrill as she leaps down from the tree branch. Her amethyst eyes are sharpened from various experiences and refined like a beautiful gem, blazing in a way only a lively adolescent could cause.

Her movements are agile and her strikes are a force to be reckoned with. You are certain that she is beyond any average human and could probably become a powerful Knight in due time. You are the one who trained her after all.

The sword she wields is also imbued with your magic and can cut through even the thickest of armors.

Alas, you are the Diamond Witch. Nothing can hurt you, not even an enhanced weapon.

“Not again?!” After your automatic shield deflects and flings her into the bushes, she rolls for a bit before bumping against a trunk. Grumbling, she sits up and rubs her head.

Seeing her pout and her dirt-covered face, you couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle. This human is quite troublesome in a way. She always gets into trouble, returning to their little cabin with scrapes and torn shirts. It’s nothing your magic couldn’t amend of course, but it’s exasperating to scold her again and again not to be so reckless.

“I did catch you by surprise, didn’t I? I saw it in your eyes.” Kanan scowls, seemingly indignant about your reaction. “So, what did I do wrong this time?”

“Nothing. You did catch me by surprise - I was not able to sense you until you jumped from that tree.” You subconsciously reach towards her messy hair and dust off all the leaves and dirt. She squirms a bit, possibly embarrassed about being treated like a child. That’s something you also don’t understand as time passes by. She will always be a child in your eyes, but just because she has grown to your height, she’s been insisting to be treated like an adult.

“Then how come your barrier still tossed me away like I was a fly or something?” She stands up and rests her large sword on her shoulder, not at all troubled by the weapon’s weight. It’s sometimes hard to superimpose the image of this muscular adolescent to the twig of a child from a decade ago.

“Because my shield is automatic, like an instinct. It is my ultimate defense, and why I was called the Diamond Witch.” You give her a patient look as you fix the rips in her sleeveless shirt.

Perhaps it’s time for another trip to the nearest human village. There are only so many times magic can mend a piece of clothing. You have always avoided any interactions with humans, but Kanan is free to do whatever she pleases. Some of the human confections she brings back from time to time taste rather delicious so the idea isn’t completely bad.

“Whaaaaat! Then I’ll never be able to win then?”

“Well, that is exactly what I have been telling you. It is impossible.”

“No it isn’t, I’ll prove you wrong.” As expected, Kanan’s dampened spirit doesn’t last long. A familiar smile brightens up her features as she laughs. “Remember the time I fell into the river? You thought I was going to drown.”

“I did.” You definitely remember the inexplicable clench in your chest watching the pre-teen plummet under the unforgiving torrent; the difficulty to breath as you urged your broom to fly faster and poured your magic to freeze the water, and the subsequent sigh when the girl popped her head out of the surface, mostly unharmed.

That day, the girl had learned how to swim, while you had learned to believe in the human’s adaptive ability a bit more (but also to keep a closer eye. Apparently this is something known as a rebellious phase when it’s hard to rein in a growing teen’s behavior).

“But I surprised you, didn’t I? Just wait, I’ll find a way somehow.” Kanan rests the sword against the tree trunk before starting her usual warm-up exercise. She appears ready for another go at this bet.

“But I have already told you… you know what, never mind. You have always been too stubborn to listen.”

The adolescent grins cheekily. You shake your head and stare at her in contemplation.

“What is it that you wish to acquire, anyway? I believe I have already provided anything you need. I have been compliant with your requests, perhaps except for wanting to see the ocean. That should come soon enough, however, for we have journeyed far and should reach the coast-”

“Oh that, yeah, I look forward to it. I like swimming and I’m good at it~ As for what I want as prize for winning the bet, uh...” For some reason the human looks embarrassed then, looking away and rubbing the back of her head. “I think I had something else in mind when I was a kid, but now…”

“But now-?”

“Y-You’ll see!” Kanan’s cheeks are still flushed when she faces you with a determined smile. “Anyway, Dia-san, I’m gonna do some laps and I’ll be back before sunset, okay?”

Though intrigued, you nod at the ponytailed girl and allows her to pull you into her arms. It’s become somewhat of a custom between the two of you, that she would hug you whenever she leaves your side for a while. And every time, there is that rush of warmth that lulls you into a sense of peace. You somewhat miss her childish way of calling you ‘onee-san’, but this is fine as well.

“Do not be late.” You whisper against her ear and chuckle when she hastily pulls away wearing an even deeper blush.

“I won’t!”

You watch the adolescent’s ponytail fluttering behind her as she jogs down the hill, her silhouette becoming smaller and smaller until she could no longer be spotted by your excellent vision.

More and more, you find yourself smiling for no particular reason. You are content from just gazing at her and waiting for her return.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you…”

The ponytailed woman smiles upon meeting your gaze as she hurries towards you. Those expressive amethyst eyes are full of relief and something else, a particular softness that coaxes a smile from you as well.

“You know I do not like crowds, Kanan.”

A light breeze brushes past your long hair, its dark hue almost blending in with the evening sky. Almost. The lights from the summer festival in this seaside town is giving you the illusion of daytime. So full of bustling crowds, lanterns and torches and so much noise! This is definitely the closest you have touched upon a dense human population since the last war.

You do not fear being discovered as the Diamond Witch, not at all. Rumors of your existence should have faded into the sands of time. There are soldiers mingling with the civilians, some local ones and some who had come from other places via ships, but none of them recognize you. In fact, they are more interested in your companion, either attracted by her beauty or her startling strength when they competed in friendly matches.

No, you simply do not like being surrounded by people, that is all. It is only because of Kanan’s plea that you accompany her to the festival in the first place, but there is only so much you could endure.

Here, at this secluded hill that oversees the port, you are finally able to regain your bearings and breathe in clean air in peace.

“Right, sorry about that.” Kanan at least seems apologetic as she sits down beside you. “I hope you did enjoy it, just a little bit?”

“... a bit.” You admit reluctantly. The various snacks sold at the stalls and the simple arcades were refreshing for you, never having experienced such human activities before. After all, you have never ventured this far into their world and would have never done so if Kanan wasn’t with you.

Indeed, you had fun, and fun hadn’t been a frequent emotion in your long life.

“I’m glad to hear that!” Even at a quarter-century of age, the woman’s smile still holds that childish edge and guileless warmth much like when you first found her.

“Why are you here though? Shouldn’t you be with your friends?”

You know for a fact that Kanan has settled down into this seaside town quite well and has made many friends, even with the out-of-towners who frequent by ships. Though her swordsmanship is just as good as a Knight’s, she chooses to live a humble life as a fisherman. Now as an independent adult, she is making an honest living here while you still live like a recluse in a hut within the forest. She visits you often enough, but it just isn’t the same anymore.

Many times, you have wondered if you should just let her be and continue with your wandering. At the end of the day, Kanan is a human and should be with her kind.

Who are you to stop her?

“The festival’s great and all, but I’d rather spend time with you,” Kanan laughs sheepishly and scoots closer to you. “When was the last time we just watch the stars together, just the two of us, just like old times?”

“... indeed, it has been long.”

Neither of you speak for a while, content with each other’s presence close by and enjoying the tranquil atmosphere blessed by the night. It takes you a few moments to notice Kanan’s hand covering yours, but you do nothing to reject such contact. In fact, the warmth from the contact is pleasant and welcomed.

“Perhaps it is time that we part ways.”

Startled, she squeezes your hand and places her other hand on your shoulder so you would face her. “W-Why do you say that? You don’t want me around anymore?”

“No, that is not it. It is… simply time that we move on. You have your own life, while I-”

“I don’t understand. I-I want you to be in my life.” She shakes her head vehemently. “You are my world, Dia.”

You are unprepared for the slight quickening of your heartbeat when Kanan’s warm hand cups your cheek. The way she utters your name also sends an odd tingle down your body, and you find yourself lost in those beautiful amethyst eyes.

“Remember the bet?

“I do.”

“If I win, you’ll have to stay with me,” Kanan’s firm voice leaves no room for argument. You lean against her hand when her thumb whimsically caresses your cheek.

“Certainly, but you have never been able to land a hit on me, have you?”

“That’s…” She drops her gaze. “I don’t want to hurt you… but really, you have no weak point. No matter what I do, I can’t get past your shield.”

“But you are touching me right now, are you not?” Suddenly, you no longer care about anything else in the world. All those centuries of knowledge and self-preservation become nothing but a muffled whisper as you divulge your one secret to the precious human in your life. “Any time you touch me or hug me, my shield is never activated.”

“E-Eh?” Kanan doesn’t seem to understand your words, so you elaborate for her with a small smile.

“If you hold a knife while hugging me, you could easily stab me in the back-”

“Don’t joke about stuff like that!” Kanan recoils away, and you fleetingly lament on the loss of contact. “I would never do that to you!”

“It is your only chance.” You tilts her chin so she would look at you instead of down at her lap. “It is the only way to get past my defense.”

“I will not do it. I’ll find some other way to get you to stay. With me.”

Kanan leans close and gently presses her lips against your own. The rush of heat is like nothing you have ever experienced before. Through this chaste kiss, you could feel both her determination to convince you as well as her uncertainty at such an intimate gesture. Most of all, however, you could feel the missing piece between the two of you.

This is love, is it not? The emotion that drives humans, that makes them protective of one another and allows them to thrive even under unfavorable circumstances.

You did not understand love but you are starting to. You close your eyes and smile into the kiss as Kanan’s arms wrap securely around you. Her embrace makes you feel more invincible than any magic ever did, and you allow yourself to relax and melt against her.

The blissful daze is suddenly shattered by the whistling of something piercing through the air. One moment Kanan is hugging you, the next she has shoved you down and covered you with her body. There are several muffled sounds, and a pained cry escapes her gritted teeth.

Stunned, you could only lie there and stare at the many arrows embedded in Kanan’s back. The clamoring of metal and frantic footsteps of strangers soon enter the surrounding but you could barely pay them any heed. All you could feel is the hot liquid soaking through her shirt and staining your dress.

Her breathing is shallow, alarmingly so, and blood is trickling down her chin. You grasp desperately for those arrows, aiming to heal her wounds as soon as you yank those out but deep down, you know it is already too late.

“Dia… “ She gasps weakly, her voice barely audible beside her ear. “I…”

You do not understand why she is smiling at you.

And you never will.

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“Are you here to visit Kanan-chan too?”

You nod solemnly at the young woman holding flowers, vaguely recognizing her as one of Kanan’s friends from the town. With your face covered in veil, it is easy to blend in with the rest of people coming to mourn for Kanan’s death.

The Knights, who had come all the way from the other side of the Continent, talked about the Diamond Witch and how dangerous she was. The folks from the seaside town would have none of it, enraged by the murder of a beloved resident. Against the might of the united people, the few troops had no chance and they were soon banished.

With the outsiders gone, the locals had fallen into a forlorn trance as they prepared for Kanan’s burial. They think she would have liked being close to the sea, and you approve of their decision to rest her on the very hill when she had hugged you for the last time.

You reach out to touch the tombstone, its surface cold and foreign, so unlike the spirited woman you once knew. You could still feel the phantom brush of her lips against yours, and the heat from those beautiful amethyst eyes. Her voice, ranging from bubbly young to tenderly mature, speaks of a bet made long ago, and you find yourself on your knees as the words repeat in your mind.

There is terrible pain in your heart, a wound invisible to naked eyes and impervious to any healing spells you know. You clutch at your chest as you rest your forehead against the tombstone, an unfamiliar wetness leaking from your eyes onto the stone surface.

“You won the bet, Kanan.”

[sumukhcomedy]

Kawhi and Being a Quiet Public Figure

I was listening to Zach Lowe’s podcast, “The Lowe Post,” when Ramona Shelburne was the guest on the May 1 episode. Shelburne went on to discuss her recent article on ESPN.com co-written with Michael C. Wright about the Kawhi Leonard saga in San Antonio. At one point, Shelburne asked Lowe if he could describe Kawhi in a few words and Lowe’s response was “boring.” This is the consensus on Kawhi over the years that he has been in the NBA. He has been labeled as “quiet,” as “boring,” and as lacking personality even as no one can deny he is a top 5 player in the league.

Kawhi and San Antonio seemed a perfect match. San Antonio as an organization has prided itself over the past decade under the “Spurs Way.” No one symbolized that more than Tim Duncan, a future Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward to play the game, who was often given the same labels as Kawhi. But no one could deny the outcomes. Despite the player, the style of game, and the team being labeled “boring,” the Spurs won 5 NBA Titles and Duncan 2 NBA MVPs.

I myself have been labeled as “quiet” and “boring” from everyone from family members to fellow comedians to strangers to even my own self-reflection. It’s likely become how I have perceived myself and others have seen me as well. It’s why so many people are surprised that I am a stand-up comedian because little about my personality offstage gives the appearance that I would be someone who does that. The same could be said of Duncan or Kawhi. Other than their height and physique, what would make them seem like basketball players or athletes, a showy career that has only gotten more showy in our current era?

The first time that I ever did a guest set at my home club, the Columbus Funny Bone, was a few years into me doing comedy. I had yet to ever meet the host of the show, Dino Tripodis, a longtime stand-up comedian and Columbus morning radio host for Sunny 95 FM. When Dino saw me and introduced himself to me, he said, “I knew you were a comedian. Only the comedians sit in the corner of the room.” And he was right. I was just sitting there near the corner of the bar before the show waiting for whenever my time to perform was as the audience filed into the showroom. This has long been the actual perception of comedians within comedy: quiet, hiding away, focused on their set list or getting the job done, and not really communicating before the show with anyone.

The “Spurs Way” and Tim Duncan were how we perceived Kawhi but it’s understandable to think Kawhi is more than that. Kawhi is now a product of something that is appreciated but is not as well regarded. The “Spurs Way” simply does not apply as it once did whether it be in sports or in comedy or in society.

We are now living in a time period where the louder you are, the better it is. It’s not that the content of what you’re saying is necessarily better but the louder you are, the more attention you draw and we are now more focused on attention than we are on content. It’s how we elected the President that we elected. It’s why we care more about Kanye’s behavior on Twitter than we do Kanye’s talent. Kawhi’s personality, as the public has understood it since we have known him, is naturally to be quiet. It’s a man who simply does the job and does it better than so many in the NBA. He arguably could have been the NBA MVP last year. He’s a top 5 talent and yet he’s not seen as a top 5 talent. Why? It’s simply because he’s not as flashy or as loud as his colleagues. It’s just because he isn’t as relevant or caring about social media. Just because he is who he is has suddenly equated him with being less marketable and having the powers that be at Nike undervalue him. That’s their choice. There’s perhaps more to selling shoes than there is to playing basketball, but it’s also understandable to be unhappy that pure talent doesn’t register to getting fair attention and compensation.

I’ve written before about the “Spurs Way” and comedy and its impact on me. As I progressed in comedy, I was very much about keeping my head down and doing the job. I was more focused on leading by example. When Alive named me a “Person to Watch,” they asked me to list my Influences. I told them my parents and Tim Duncan. The former is completely accurate and the latter is as well though more of a joke as Duncan is by no means a comedian but he was no doubt an influence. I tried to carry myself as a comedian the same way Duncan carried himself on the court. There were plenty of louder and more dramatic comedians even in Columbus. That loudness has only intensified over the years and since I’ve left Columbus. Comedians, the group that supposedly sits in the corner awkwardly and quietly, are now louder, more of activists, and constantly posting about their experiences at shows. It was once admirable to simply keep your head down and get the job done. Now it’s more ideal to constantly tell people you are doing the job and, in some cases, embellishing how well the job is being done. It’s more about taking every selfie possible than hitting every stage possible. 

Kawhi is perceived as “boring” and “quiet” but, then again, perhaps Kevin Durant was as well. Then, upon leaving for Golden State and the criticism that came with it, Durant has opened up far more in podcast interviews and on social media. It’s apparently what he always wanted to do or at least what he has progressed into being and that’s great as well. Perhaps that is the direction that Kawhi is headed. Or, perhaps Kawhi will continue to be “boring” and “quiet” because that is who he is.

But for that reason I understand his frustration. Kawhi is likely just being himself and now being criticized constantly for it and it has only amplified with this bizarre, months-long ordeal with the Spurs. If he doesn’t want to speak, he shouldn’t have to speak. He hasn’t really been speaking when he was putting up MVP numbers so why should he be now? But it’s remarkable for me to see people criticize a player simply for being himself and for having the kind of character and approach as an athlete that was always considered exemplary. Such exemplary behavior and such amazing skill has led to less marketability. That’s how screwy the business can be and how everyone’s conceptions of someone can be.

In a random example, back in the earlyish 2000s, both Liz Phair and Jewel released pop albums. As a result, fans and critics labeled them “sell-outs.” Whatever the circumstances may have been (and Jewel’s decision appears satirical), Phair and Jewel likely did this simply to continue to float in what music had now become for women at the time which was far more pop-centric and in the realm of Avril Lavigne. So, if Kawhi is naturally “quiet” and “boring,” he’s being asked to be unnaturally who he is. And, as we’ve seen in so many cases in entertainment, being unnaturally who you are gets you labeled a “sell-out” and gets you hit with a lot of criticism. However, being naturally yourself can lead you to not getting enough respect as in the case of Kawhi and, regardless, still has gotten Kawhi plenty of criticism this season. It seems that now, it doesn’t matter what the case may be, if you are a person with a public profile, you can’t win.

To me, Kawhi should do whatever makes him happy. I’m not sure what that is since he’s not saying and a lot of people claim that the people in his group are having a lot of sway on his decisions. Regardless, I hope Kawhi stays in San Antonio not so much for the sake of the “Spurs Way” or his legacy but more so because the Spurs can offer him the “super max” and more money than any other team or shoe deal can and that appears to be what could be a source of happiness for him. If that’s the case, then to me, in sports and perhaps even in life at this point, take the money and take as much of it as you can because you never know when it could disappear. We’ve already seen an example in Isaiah Thomas go from being a mythical hero in Boston to a locker room problem in Cleveland to irrelevant with the Lakers and in the process losing millions of dollars because he pushed himself. Kawhi should go out and get whatever he wants because the Spurs and the rest of sports fans already see him in whatever way they want to anyway.

We’re living in a more self-indulged society and such self-indulgence and such loudness is more appealing and more rewarded. It’s understandable, in turn, that there might be some frustration with being talented but selfless and yet still not feeling respected. Whether it be in sports or in comedy or any avenue in life, I think you have to be who you are but I also think you have to get what it is you want within the structure of the business because the business and the public is going to perceive you in their own way regardless. That way seems to not even allow you to be a winner in the public eye whether you are the quietest or loudest person in the room.