#anyway im scared for the ending excited as hell sad and anxious and feeling alive again

[koszmarnybudyn]

Do I think Gorgie having enough of Jon's bullshit and them not talking anymore is a good decision? Yes. Will i still think about it forever now also yes.

Like Jon was told not to sewer his support system, he kinda tried to fix it, failed, went into a coma and now hes not really human and everyone doesn't trust him/like him/think he's sus as hell, and to be frank he did dig that hole himself. But god is it painful to watch the dirt go up.

[shutuptheresnothingherestopit]

So this is a text I sent to sp after six shots of rum do what you will with it

I'm laying on my porch and just thinking about how nice it is to lay next to you and you're totally asleep and you have work in the morning but I'm so excited for Friday and my dog is laying her head on my shoulder and snoring and it reminds me of you're so cute when you snore and it honestly doesn't bother me cause it reminds me you're there and you're real and that's why I love listening to your heartbeat because you're real and you are and you're mine and I don't ever know what's going on in your head and I think that's what makes me nervous about you. I'm used to knowing what people are thinking but with you i don't have that and it's freaks me out but it shouldn't because I shouldn't need to know what you're thinking but there's this gross part of me that's like (yeah sure he likes you for now lol) which is dumb because I trust you and I know I'm a lot what with me being spazzy and anxious and riddled with insomnia its just sometimes I don't do things or say things because what if they don't go right? Like that's not a good excuse either because then I'm just losing chances I'd rather blunder and learn with you than do something like distance myself because then all I'm doing is hurting you and losing one of the few good things that I have in my life. I'm a lucky ass person I have a super supportive boyfriend who adores me a treats me like I deserve and a family who's helping me grow up and I'm still sad and that's gross but ugh I don't wanna rant about all this is gross and I'm happy rn so im gonna be happy and tell you that you're the last thing I think about every night before I fall asleep and the first thing I think about in the morning. Deadass I check my phone to see if you texted because I'd rather see your text than anything else the moment I'm conscious. That why I put dad in his place not because I deserve the respect but because you're worth telling my dad duck you over because you make me feel this calm and peace and happiness that I haven't felt in so long and he can fuck off if he thinks I'm not going to enjoy every second of you that I can. And he respects that which is awesome.

And I absolutely can't get over how nice it is to sleep next to you. Oh my god every time I wake up next to my soul softens. There's so much about you that just radiates safety and trust and I know for a fact that it's because I can look you in the eyes and see it. Every time I look at you I see the same person I've seen every time. You're solid and wonderful and I adore you and I'd use stronger words but I don't want to scare you. The words I'm using now don't even cover a percentage of what I feel for you. My whole being just finds this insane comfort just from knowing you're somewhere sleeping peacefully. Just knowing that you're laying there content and comfortable and I just wish I could roll over and look at you because god I would saw off my limbs if it meant I could just watch you for the rest of my existence because goddamn do I love just watching you exist. Just knowing that a bajillion atoms make you up to the point that your brain chemistry and pheromones decided to match up with mine is a glorious feeling. Knowing that nature shoved us together and built us as compatible humans blows my fucking mind because one atom out of place and you or I would be completely different people and that's completely fucking bonkers. Anyway I hope you're sleeping good because fuck you deserve it and fuck do I want to do things to you but at the same time i want to wrap you up in my arms and make sure you know you're fucking magnificent. I told [his friend] you're the best thing to happen to me in a long fucking time and that you're exactly what I need and what I had no idea I wanted and that is so fucking true. Like you have no idea how thankful I am to know you exist after the past two years of hell I've been through. And honest to god I don't want anything for Christmas but you with a bow on you're head smiling and laughing and enjoying life because I wouldn't want anything else for you because fuck my main priority right now is making you happy cause I would do anything to see you smile or laugh because I don't fucking deserve it but I get to have it and it's a fucking blessing. And I'm so thankful and when you say you're little things out of the blue I fucking die of happiness inside because no one has ever treated me as wonderfully and well as you do. You make time for me and are unnecessarily nice to me and you go out of your way to show affection to me and you just look at me like I'm something special and I'm not but I'm so grateful you do because I used to. And it's a wonderful feeling. To be cherished and loved and to reciprocate that and it's makes me feel alive and poetic and stupidly teenagerey (yes hat is a word stfu if it wasn't it is now) I just need you to know that I would go to the ends of the earth just to make you happy so do what you will with that because normally I don't give a shit about people's feelings but yours mean the world to me and I don't say that lightly. People are gross but you're not. You're wonderful. And I need you to know that. So sleep good [his name]. And know that you have a short angry girl who would tear the world to shreds to please you because you do.