#anyway there is more to this concept ive sketched out but i clearly just needed to post this before i lost the plot completely

[bulbabutt]

rise donnie is more confused by the donatello touch than he is by 87 donnie making a trans-dimesnional portal out of things he found in 1980s dumpsters

[ofthemuses]

Area 11 Sentence Meme; from all their released albums

All the Lights In The Sky (2013)

i. vectors

One day I will find you  I saw that you were lonely too  You reached out and you took me I repressed that time Everything that I forgot, I see it clearly  can’t you see that you’re losing your mind A shot to the head leaves it all behind I’ll tear you apart Reach out your hands to catch me reach out your hands and you tear me apart But we are simply killing time I wish I’d see inside your mind I wish I’d seen inside you Almost the same, but not enough Never forgiven, but still in love

ii. euhpemia

Memories of fallen dreams and all those that have died. Demons are possessing me. I feel my hate take flight. I'm choking on my own words and I'm scared of backing down the hope within us all is up in flames Twisted by my warring conscience. The situation's pushing onwards. This can't be, was this me? I think I've lost control. I caused this, I forced this, Can I continue on? I caused this, I forced this, I caused this! Betrayed by trust, forever left to scream. Oh hold me closely and die in my arms, then take this secret with you. I became your puppet master This could fuel The Revolution! This could be my last solution! And all good victories come with a price. Just take my secret with you.

iii. knightmare / frame

What is life but a burden for me? All this anger, burning inside but buried deep One step forward and two to the side, every single time I fall asleep and I feel I'm falling Nightmare comes without warning I can't seem to sleep  In my dreams I feel I'm running towards her/his shining light She/he shines for me Just like glass I saw right through Something I couldn't see until I changed my point of view I cannot let you go inside of me, the will to change the world Can a mask be the face of reason? You will answer, to the pieces left behind Well I watched her/him die in your arms Freed but they'll never understand

iv. tokyo house party

I know that this will never work out So it shouldn't even start Cause I'm just a kid at heart And you know that it's such a waste Cause I hate that bitter taste and your bittersweet embrace I feel this has gone to my head I'll never drink again But fuck it, I don't care I don't know what you came here for This is where we are from (The town where nothing goes on) Waiting for our own special moment to die I got lost to find myself I wanna be with you tonight Cause everything's gone; it's been wiped out I feel a change in the pace I know I should run and I should fight But the look in your eyes: I could die here tonight Fear of failure, we're moving so slow

v. shi no barado

I saw your face in the LED's It's something that I can never repay, but I will try anyway. I sent a message I know you'd see Now fate led you down a path to me You're all I ever wanted you can use me, you can kill me My body will be a fortress I will keep you safe from pain My losses are your gains Together we can burn this to the ground, rebuild it into something right I'm not afraid and I'm not alone because you're with me in my dreams I won't give up on this perfect love

vi. cassandra pt. 2

Although it doesn't really matter now You use me, and I use you I'm your savior, you're my muse The best friend that you been to me but I wanna be your enemy You want a reaction You wear a red dress when you're in a bullfight You're drawing attention to your double life In dreams, I'm coming to find you and when I wake I want anyone else. 'Cause I don't love you, It's what I'm telling myself I’m hiding from you, ‘cause we are the same Wait, just wait for me and I'll come around My best friend that I've never seen That's turned you into my enemy No, it's all in my mind I feel I should save myself before this gets too real

vii. the strays

I'd still cheer for you ten years down the line Time stepped away from me Stray from this boring dream What must it be like with your world alight? How could I stay here and rust when I'm set to explode? You can outrun everything but the debts that you owe I'm numb from the distance If it's just the bored asking this kind of thing, where do we fit in? Take what you want from it We're the last ones left Get the others and cut to the next Scene To be truly free Freedom comes not from, but through me Do you remember when the stars were much higher? You would try to count them all But you grew tired - tired - tired

viii. dreams & reality

Dreams... are realities. You mean so much to me I can't forget the way, the choice that we made that day. Is it worth the risk that we take? Waiting and hoping from the side-lines But this is our moment, it's our chance to shine. 'Cause this feels better than the best thing 'Cause we are stronger than anything We've grown from all the things we've been through, And they couldn't break us if they wanted to. Your smile is brighter than the lights in the skies wont you tell me what is real? Lets write our names in history, Let's make these dreams reality,

ix. heaven-piercing giga drill

you came and dug me up into a world full of violence. So many faces, so many trials. They won't stop our evolution. Who do you think we are? Fight against your execution. Trust me and we'll fly, not fall. Tip the balance to risk it all. Together we can go so far. All the lights in the sky are stars. It follows everywhere I go. It carries the hope of humanity, and everything we know. Believe in me, who believes in you.

x. bōsōzoku symphonic

There's three parts to love, or so I believe. There's a part of you you lose, and another you receive. Here I break with the concept, though it's central to the piece. Leave my mark on the canvas, that only you can see. I deferred my happiness, for loneliness and time. But once I'm where I wanna be, you'll be far behind. And the chains that pull me down, slacken off when you're around. And it's comforting to know I'll rip out all the hooks from my skin so I can grow. Sometimes I disagreed, just to hear you scream. You were right, but I needed you to give emotion back to me. I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving you!

Underline (2014)

i. are you listening?

All aboard this sinking ship No business here it's just relationships Should this mean more to me? Just join the tribe and feel accepted But cool don't come for free The rope that pulled me from the pit now hangs around my neck Is this the clue you wanted? Too cryptic for the rest Play the part of the victim if it puts your mind at ease Put all the blame on me So what you feel, is it nostalgia or love? Tell me now, are you really listening? When everybody tells you to stop, and that you’re never good enough; tell me now, are you really listening? Reach out for help, and she lets you down So gild your pockets, we'll watch you drown  Cause this means more to me It's hard when all I see Now we take control We fade into hindsight  Can this be realized?

ii. in the blind

I redesign, I realign. I redefine, and yet resign. My only hope: to feel. And when I phased out the "privileged" and the "purpose" I realized that art can never true be separated That should define who I will never be. Sorry. Cause this is the new way Still spinning cycles in my mind Hold me back and keep me down! Drop the weights, accept my fate, and trigger the explosion. Now keep the faith as illusions break and we'll show you something real. And when I reach out into event horizons will there be light and sound, or will it be just me?

iii. override (a)

Willing and wishing to break This won't be over so soon You'll claw yourself out of the womb Are you willing to die? To be born in the spotlight? I won't let you drown Are you willing to die? To be something? We patiently wait your return Rejecting your pitiful life You'll crawl on your hands and your knees You'll feast on the fear you receive And here in the alter you'll give your life for a reason to live Are you ready to die? Are you ready to die? To be more than they say you are? You'll be a mistake The child of the void and the ghost in the tape Can the ego you've sculpted endure the escape? I am willing tonight. I am willing to die to be something; trigger the override

Modern Synthesis (2016)

i. override [C]

Lay the new foundations; reprise Strange are the things that will come around Return to the question, I'm willing to die If this is real and this is anticipation Know it in your mind, hear it once and now you bear the load Are you ready for life? Make a stand in afterglow

ii. the contract

You’ve spent a lifetime locked in the same mindset You break the contract, and smile away your debt I play for closure, through the fear and the thrill of the fight Move a little bit closer, ‘cause you’re in for a jagged night I close my eyes; a toxic calling Just let it resonate, we call it suffering We know just who to trust this time I want you to give me what I need Lay waste to your beliefs, rebuild yourself for me I want you to come alive again I feign obsession, and abbreviate my views You're my possession, until I'm done with you I want you to feel as I feel I want you; submit yourself to me Your body and your mind; give it willingly Just sign the contract

iii. watchmaker

Serve or break the patterns that would be Middle child of eternity The creeping vines of anomie I never wanted to believe I never asked if I could stay Switch the pressures you relieve Sketching parallels to understand why I can't share your love I’m only building what I meant to do so many lives ago

iv. versus

I dream of it; am I a psycho? Watching you burn nothing else feels this perfect to me “Hands in the air”; salute or surrender? We adapt, mutilate, replicate and survive But choose a side The truth, the war; the rise, the fall The virus in our heads that infects us all Do you need it once more?  Can you remember what it is we’re dying for? (Fighting for?) Little soldier, little girl/boy who used to love this fucking world To love, to despise: such a fine line The hardest strikes always land when hands are tied The virus in our heads infects, manipulates our thoughts

v. processor

I took a chance to fly I want no role in your altercation I feel panic arise as rhetoric voices are feeding back again Blocking out vitriolic accusations: Was I listening? Because I want to be better on the inside I want to be better on the outside I fall asleep in the vestige I once called my home I pray for you, abide with the hopeless Regretting the choice but I can't turn away The modern synthesis compels me to start again I will have my way, I told you, I told you, I told you As I dispersonalise I taste a real life far from the pacifist you believe I exemplify I am the fury, I am hypocrisy The day I take control. The day you'll believe in me The path back home, the path I'll show you The path back home, where you'll wait for me, wait for me

vi. red queen

I said I don't mind, but you've touched a nerve The way you frame it, well, I got all I deserved Breathe deep and comfort the disturbed In the cave you fear what would you find? We played our hands together You lose me in your blood chemistry So we'd better try to match her/his speed Toast to the red queen/king and all she has seen Is it time to drink at your table? We can only wait and watch for so long Where you fall is not where you belong Unify behind false enemies Down other lines we would have been the same Beauty fades but still my charm deceives This night is shared and so we use each other ‘cause misery loves company And so it goes again A wasted day to vie for my affection Soon you'll come undone Can't fake a smile so they draw it on

vii. angel lust

how far did you deviate? The bridge collapsed but you took the stone From the ash an altar raised, you rebuilt your home And cynics they will try to tempt and change our minds We'll keep our faith alive, we'll raise our voices And scream it from our hearts: God loves her/his children we wait to receive a sign and the scraps of truth of what we believe The passion, the pain, our bodies ache, we cry your name

viii. the life of a ghost

Living the life of a ghost, there is no comfort for the mind Some sights we've tried to leave behind Always looking backwards down the road I will retain composure Lost in thoughts of where I am Stay 'til dawn, begin anew? With all honesty I want to be selfless To be human, but I'm beat and I'm worn-though I'm lost tonight I'm an ember, will you take my story? Pull back the curtain and walk towards the truth There is no comfort for the mind

ix. after the flags

Come on son do your country proud! Lead us down to the ocean and wash our hands of campaigns for the self-assured now Fading white in surrender and weary from the beating sun that blinds you Take a hit for catharsis Take a hit for them all After the flags they're selling off the wall I wanna die for a reason I wanna kill for a cause The fall won't kill but it's gonna hurt do you watch just to wince at this? we have been misled Straighten out your fiction As means to ends and ends to meaning guide you After the flags I'm nobody at all If I could reach you with reason You set us up for a fall After the flags you're nobody at all

x. nebula

This is my suffering, stuttering the words As all I can see is you Hey there you lost boy/girl, just look at what they've done to you They've poisoned the well of your mind but you'll make it through I'm falling to the call of you To love just an action, we overplay and overdo But now, there's no one beside me They've fallen behind

xi. panacea and the prelogue

Wait inside we'll talk a while I didn't mean to let the years go by Have we come to terms with the lesson that our fathers learned? Everything goes away I'd follow you, but not this time I'm sorry that I let you down, let you down, a lifetime ago I wanna say to all I leave behind, and to those I'll never find. That I need you to understand, understand, you're not on your own. What you value, is it worth the time? The only melodies that I could ever call mine were friendship and lust Will I feel absolved at the moment when we have it solved? Still it's never enough Lines fade out, but you illuminate the path back home, the path you've shown me

all your friends / new magiks / everybody gets a piece (2018)

i. all your friends

Habits tend to crystallize Did you waste it in the dark? Why were you sure it was real? you let all your friends tell you how to feel The archetypes; the ideal will soon embrace you when you let yourself heal Who are we to cauterise bleeding hearts that synchronise? Did he/she waste you in the dark? Choose your friends just to canonize you, as you let them fantasize

ii. new magiks

I'm watching the mirror crack to face my addiction This all feels a little strange, (A life fearing fiction) I better step outside It's all fine, from the shoreline The weight crushing down my heart, you don't want it, you don't wanna know A head full of dying stars, the shoulders that bear the load The wave crashes down on my heart You don't wanna know My mind's a rogue nation Just look how we weaponise carnal accusation It's all fine, a drop in the skyline Make it hurt Percolate emotion Boys/Girls lost to the ocean drown You were the bright newcomer I fucked you up that summer I didn't know, you let me know my mind is loaded

iii. everybody gets a piece

In time you'll grow, I fucking hope I'm outside looking in at all the time we're putting in Think I know what it means I won't say the right things just to open doors Don't waste your time in the studio I've been told to beg, steal and borrow I'm told it's not the way to go Nobody listens to the radio Everybody gets a piece Did you honestly say it might have been me? But all this while did you think of me, you know All this while, we were pure potential energy, dreaming Don't ask, you'll never get You never asked so you never got nothing Did you get all you wanted from me? You don't ask so you'll never receive Can't lose when you're playing for free

[ruveluarna-blog]

Development, Process, Collaboration

(This is our entire Facebook chat group, which shows our process of thought and elimination).

Hey gals! Alrighty, we need to get this project underway! Let's all post our ideas on here and we can throughout the week decide on an idea we really like? MarleenaYeah that sounds like a good idea  i will get back to u guys with an idea tomorrowMAR 31ST, 11:20AMMarleenaOkay, so there's a work in week 4's powerpoints (topic: responsibility) called "Rythm 0" by Marina Abramovic. Basically, Abramovic lay out a bunch of props and allowed museum goers to manipulate her body, with or without the props, for six hours. Yoko Ono did a reinterpretation of the idea, but allowed the audience to take turns snipping pieces of cloth from her clothes.MarleenaI think it'd be really interesting to take these ideas and spin them in a more positive and constructive way. (The Rythm 0 artwork ended pretty "violently" - someone used the provided loaded gun to position it against her forehead, and then there was a fight in the audience to make them stop etc)ImmiYes will have a look into this later today !MAR 31ST, 1:19PMYes I really liked that one, I checked it out on YouTube!I'm down for thisMaybe we can even do an installation type thing and record itSo many ideas! Where do you live Marlena?*marleenaI'm thinking we should all get together sometime before class next week if we can, if not we can prepare it all over here MarleenaI live near liverpool, western suburbs Im still trying to brainstorm ideas on how we could reinterpret the work tho Hmm okay that's like a 55 minute drive MarleenaLOL we can try meet up at uniI reckon if we all agree on this artwork, let's each brainstorm ideas on any sort of way in which we could reinterpret it, then just post ideas here. Maybe on Sunday we can try and decide on what we like best?Yeah I think so hahahMarleenaokay lets do that, sunday we'll make a decision on what idea to pursue Im not too familar with "time-based work" sooo gotta do some researchMAR 31ST, 6:09PMImmiAPR 1ST, 9:37PMHaha all good!APR 1ST, 11:19PMHere are some very rudimentary ideas so far!Oh I just had an idea, we could go up to randoms on campus and out in the city and get them to write one word and hold it in front of them and we can film them holding it up. We can get them to write down whatever; what they think life is, beauty is, what is real, what dreams are, what they are labelled, whatever you want!Just an idea APR 2ND, 9:31AMMarleenahey just finished reading your ideas! looking good so far i think right now though the ideas as they are dont really link to responsibility clearly or are resolved enoughim looking at some of the stuff u written and trying to think of ways to push them furtheri think the idea of taking something that is meant to shed light on the negative parts of being human, and flipping it to show positivity is something really interesting relating to responsibilityi think that idea of asking people a personal question, like what life is etc, that u suggested touches on that and has potential reminds me of that artist who let people write on a wall what they want to do before they diesorry if the stuff im saying sounds kinda disjointed or weird, cos i just woke up and im just writing what i think as it goes in my head hahaMarleenaan idea i had about transforming marina's work, is maybe laying out a table of items like she did but including "caring" items instead, like bandaids and spa stuff and chocolates. we can put out a chair and a camera, and people are allowed to use the stuff as long as they sit in the chairMarleenahey about that idea with recording people's smiles, itd be kinda cool to expand it and do it about human's relationship with others, not just smiling but hugging talking and high fiving etc. itd be interesting how it relates to physicality, and itd probs contrast really well with the marina workImmiHey guys! Soz for being a little MIA I was going to have a good look this morning and see if I can workshop some of the ideas we've got too so I'll let ya know :)) awesome job so far teamMarleenano worries ive been supa swamped with stuff too hahaAPR 2ND, 11:22AMImmiok so i was having a look at some of the work in the lecture slides from the documentation and editing week and this work i thought was pretty interesting-- we could have a wall where we get people to collaborate by writing ideas or or drawings on like sticky notes or scrap paper and then organise them on a wall and then the time based aspect could be a sped up video of people writing and adding to the wall?  http://monumenttotransformation.org/atlas-of-transformation/html/c/crisis-of-capitalism/crisis-of-capitalism-ayreen-anastas-rene-gabri.htmlCrisis of Capitalism | Ayreen Anastas, René GabriCrisis of Capitalism | Ayreen Anastas, René Gabrimonumenttotransformation.orgImmicould be like a question related to stuff going on in the world and how they would fix it? or invent something? and get people to draw sketches or write ideas?i don't know just thinking :))APR 2ND, 6:19PMMarleenai think thats an interesting take on documentation... like, it relates to the idea of a kinda "communal" documentation?its pretty interesting to create a public forum for documentation, kinda like designated grafitti walls or online forumsImmiYeah nice!APR 2ND, 7:58PMMarleenahi everyone, dunno bout u guys but im still kinda conflicted about this assignment hahai think all the major ideas we came up with so far have been pretty interesting and im having trouble deciding which one i like the mostwhat are your opinions on this assignment?? is there anything u guys r super keen on so far?or anything u rly wanna do?for me, i definitely wanna do something that's hyper creative and outside the box - for this assignment im a little afraid of doing something thats been done or reminds me of a facebook or youtube vid i watchedi think no matter what idea we pick i definitely want to push it to its limits Yeah Marlena in response to your first response I agree, they were all heaps rudimentary ideas that I quickly wrote down before bed and definitely need expansion - they were just an idea to kick us off  I like the smile/high 5/hug ideas. I definitely want to do something "fresh" as well so I'm with you on that! No body likes the same old same. I'm still conflicted about the assignment too haha. The only thing is we have to think about the readability of it all - we don't really want to spend money buying items, etc, and we have to think about how we can record it and where we will do it MarleenaThanks for brainstorming so much  im definitely also keen on saving money too - doing something performance-y like suggested or just paper and pen like immi's idea seem like practical ideas to keep costs lowYep I like!MarleenaThe idea i suggested about the "caring" items would probs be no good for thatHaha maybe not Good thought butOkay let's keep brainstorming then and maybe decide by Tuesday night?MarleenaHaha yeah lets see how it goesWorse comes to worse we can talk it through with the tutor on wednesdayYeah, I'm sure we will figure it out but!MarleenaI will try make a list of ideas like u did No probs. We could even make a Pinterest board or whatever MarleenaOohh high tech hahaAPR 3RD, 1:09PMOkay so let's decide tonight on something solid so we can each conduct rudimentary experiments tomorrow on our own and document on TumblrMarleenaOk understood Immiyep nice.. i think maybe doing a time lapse or something could be interestingand maybe doing a trial of that? could get audience involved through drawing? I'm happy to do that at college?MarleenaIm looking at that email again and i think that tutor is only talking about her class, not ours, so i doubt when we rick up to class our tutor is going to expect us to have anything prepared (she will probs even send us an email herself)Immiok coolMarleenaBut doing a little experiment for tumblr ourselves actually sounds like a good idea to get us started, practice-led research and suchImmianother random idea hahah could be to record sound? and say have a story where each person hears the previous story and then adds to it?MarleenaThat sounds like a fun experiment to try im down for that Immiawesome! just not sure which artist it would relate to?i guess we could just say we used "so and so" as a starting point and then developed our own idea?MarleenaUr documentation one defsImmiok cooland then could focus on sound/ voice documentationMarleenaThe idea is to deform and experiment anywaysImminice!MarleenaHow bout for our first experiment, immi u can make a voice recording of the beginning of a story, u can send it to me and i will send my bit to ruve So its kinda like chinese whispers hahaImminice!! so just do it ourselves? or with other people?MarleenaAfter ruve we can keep sending it along and in the end we can compile itImmiyep sounds goodMarleenaImmiwill havd to do it later this arvo though once I've finished work hahaMarleenaAll good Immiawesome! nice work teamMarleenaWhat's the concept of this voice thingy? Soz I'll be at work for the next few hours so I won't respond ehahahMarleenaSo basically one person makes a voice recording of the beginning of a story and passes it along, and the next person continues the story with their own recording and passes that along  kinda like chinese whispersOkay, how do we get ransoms to do that though? Also I'm keen to try some experiments with people where I live tonight/tomorrowImmiI recon just ask people if they want to be apart of it hahaJust a trialMarleenaWe were just going to start with our group and maybe we can ask our friends to volunteer? HahaImmiAnd we can build on itYeah coolImmiMarleenaWhat kinda live experiments were u thinking of ruve??Another idea - photograph people's shoes, and get them to describe them self in one word. Show the pic to someone else and get them to describe whose shoes they see in one wordOr something like thatI don't knowMarleenaThats kinda interesting  its kinda like that saying "if u were in their shoes" APR 3RD, 7:31PMHahah APR 4TH, 10:43AMMarleenaHey guys this is just a compilation of the total ideas we made up so far! Feel free to add it to ur tumbr as documentation  I brainstormed some more ideas and such and added them to the list, too responsibility – marina abramovik, rhythm 0 Sit in a busy location with a sign explaining what to do – one of us filming place cameras on campus that people can draw on create an instagram page like ‘humans of UNSW’ where people take selfies and talk about themselves get randoms in the city to write one word and hold it in front of them and we can film them holding it up – the prompt can be: what life is, beauty is, what is real, etc recording people interacting affectionately with their friends/other people – smiles, hugging, high fiving ask a question and get people to write their answers and stick them on us ask them to write one sentence if that was all they had left to say documentation – ayreen anastas & rene gabri, crisis of capitalism have a wall where people collaborate by writing ideas or drawings on sticky notes or scrap paper and then organise them on a wall – time-based aspect would be a sped up video of people writing and adding to the wall – could be a question related to stuff going on in the world and how to fix it, maybe just sketching or writing ideas recording sound – have a story where each person hears a previous story and then adds to it (currently experimenting with this idea since it’s low effort and cost effective) wouldn’t it be sick if we could make a kinda song and beat out of every person’s clip of audio? Haha would definitely be interesting photograph people’s shoes and get them to describe themselves in one word – show the pic to someone else and get them to describe whose shoes they see in one word some of the ideas we have here would definitely relate to both responsibility and documentation artworks – I think both topics just both naturally overlap really well PS: in the above ideas I left out ideas which would be too expensive or unrealistic to carry outMarleenaoh god i just realised the formatting is really wack hahaanyways I JUST HAD AN EXPLOSION OF INSPIRATIONim excited to hear what u guys think of it!! i will type it up. i kinda tried to continue upon what u both already thought of (just uhh typing it up)ImmiAwesome Marleena!! Killing it with the ideas I recon they are all good starting points- we can discuss in class tomorrow and I think next step will be about pushing the ideas so they are more interesting and unexpected  and perhaps considering time based and getting creative with how we approach it, so we aren't just creating a 5min film or audioMarleenayeah i definitely agree with interesting and unexpected ImmiImmiWe'll have lots to discuss in class :))Marleenaso uhh here's that exposion of inspiration i was talking about. reading it again, some of the logistics dont make any sense like how the projection is going to work but i will share it here anyway in the spirit of experimentation MarleenaGet a large sheet of blue cellophane and draw a picture of a crying person. Draw exactly the same picture but instead on a sheet of paper of the same size. (In faint pencil instead) Have people draw/write on the sheet of paper what they would do to cheer the crying person up. Record the entire process of people drawing/writing on the paper. Turn the video into a time lapse. Hang the sheet of cellophane in front of a projector. Play the video on the projector, align the pictures of the crying person. Result: get a cool time lapse video of people drawing, be left with awesome looking artworkImmiMarleenaHahahaHey guys, you're both awesome! I have to go to work again now but I'll check this all out later and post something to Tumblr!ImmiNice yeah I've got classes pretty much till 5 now so will check back in laterMarleenaAg ttyl APR 4TH, 9:52PMAlright, so I'm going to update my tumblr with our ideas, I really like what we've got so far!And I'm going to pinterest ideas too. Then tomorrow in class maybe we can discuss with Anna our inability to choose an idea because we like them all hahahAPR 6TH, 1:51PMImmihttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1U8dukQ49_29jkB9ViKhWvooZRMLgVwbAOS3aFafhOuU/edit?usp=sharing hey guys I've made a group doc here which i recon will be easy to post info on and share ideas APR 6TH, 7:17PMMarleenathanks immi! checking it out now ImmiNot much info now haha just added a tiny bit before will some more tomorrow Add what you want and we can start formulating and idea to pursue Cool! Love what you've written so far - I've never used google docs though so I may take a little to get used to it APR 7TH, 12:28PMMarleenahi immi! would u be able to give me edit access for the doc? i sent a request, ty ImmiYeah I'll do it when I'm back at uni APR 8TH, 4:39PMImmihttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1U8dukQ49_29jkB9ViKhWvooZRMLgVwbAOS3aFafhOuU/edit?usp=sharing sox guys had it wrong setting should work now!APR 8TH, 6:40PMCool I'll try to figure it out ImmiAPR 9TH, 9:36PMYeah I'm liking these ideas guys  maybe we should do some experiments around these concepts?MarleenaIMMI i just read your comments and i think you're right about just picking something and pushing through with itdoing some experiments around this would be an excellent ideaim thinking of just trying out some basic things on my family haha like instructing them on things, and seeing their reaction when ive told them what theyve done is the artwork lolYeah I like the instructions and the audience creating the artwork through their perspectiveBut I love film too so I'm keen for eitherBut yeah if we pick one then we can each do experiments around that and see what worksMarleenamaybe in one of ur experiments u can try think of a way to incorporate more film elements??im not too sure how to do that cos i dont think im creatively inclined that way but it could be rly cool like... maybe you can play a film with realy different sound from whats actually being played, and have the audience watch it once blindfolded but then reveal the actual footage afterYEAAAAHThat's cool!MarleenahahaAPR 13TH, 6:27PMMarleenahi guys! im just checking in to see how you are all feeling about the assignment i did some stuff and put it in the google doc, and i kinda have a vision for what i think would be goodAPR 14TH, 11:24PMHeya girl, I literally haven't thought any about it this week as I've been so busy, it's due first or second week back? Also I'm keen to try whatever MarleenaHaha no worries due wk 8 first week backLel we should probs get on it then Let's decide on it and run with itMarleenaI was continuing our asmr video idea and writing a script for the instructions and voice - some is in the google doc If u wanna continue that idea, could u look into ways we could get a voice to say the instructions?  How to record it, and maybe possibility of having music to it too?I dont think this idea will be too hard to accomplish with the little time we have leftAlso help and ideas on the script would be amazing Sorry if it seems im just pushing watevs i wanna do lol its just an idea if u guys wanna get the thing over and done with lolNo totally cool, we've only got about 12 days so all good  I'm keen to look into music and voice recording, I could get my brother to say it? He has a nice audio voice. I can do some recording for experiments and send them through and post on Tumblr?I'll send you through an example here too0:09This was for another assessmentJust a thought hahaMarleenaThats a gr8 idea! Itd be awesome if ur brother could do it  thatd be way better than a text to speech robot lmaoId love to see some experiments and stuff 2 on the tunblrIll try get the script done asap too  hopefully by early next weekIm a total noob at voice recording and stuff like that so uhh might need to rely on u guys for that lolHaha cool, I'm down! I'm with my family this weekend so I'll record my brother doing some experiments and I'll post to tumblr Any ideas on what you want him to say?I'm going to check the google doc nowMarleenaYeah its all there  its kinda unpolished but just what u want with it Have fun with ur family!!!Yeah cool, I like what you've written so far, I think it could be really cool! I'll get my brother to read out the script so far, and I'll play around with some rad sound effects to go with it! Are we still getting the audience to close their eyes?Also I reckon we could even do just the one piece, but have parts slowed down, made faster, toned up or down, with different 'music' or sounds to it to create different emotions?Maybe instead of having three different ones, show how we can create the atmosphere just through exploration with tone, etc?MarleenaThe stuff I've written i intended to just be one piece,  its just i wrote different versions and wanted to include in thr doc as documentation  the second script is the latest draft. Sorry should have clarified. I rly like the idea of using music and tone to create emotion and atmosphere! Pushes the limits of what audio can be MarleenaI think getting the audience to close their eyes would be good for immersion Oooh i just reread the docYeah rad, all good! Alrighty, so do we want the instructions to go for like 2.5 mins or so with their eyes closed, and then they have 2.5 mins to create the artwork? or do we actually want them to just sit an listen the whole time?hahahaMarleenaYeah those three paragraphs at the end r supposed to be part of the same script Making them sit there for 2.5 mins thinking of the artwork sounds sadistic but totally marina-esque xDI say we do ithahaahah okay!MarleenaItd probs be 3 parts audio 2 parts thinking instead thoHahahaso say we provide them with the artistic tools needed, they sit there eyes closed, then produce the work in the dark still with music/sounds still playing?MarleenaThis is the kinda thing which makes normal think arti d ts are crazy lmaoahahhahahlove it but!so trueMarleenaI reckon including the actual creating if the artwork by the audience would be interesting!  We wouldnt even have to have them blindfolded for that bit. Would be rly interesting to see wat they imagined Hand out pieces of paper and set up pencils etcmaybe in keeping with marina's style, we could give them a bunch of mediums to choose from, i.e. giving the audience even more controlyeah definitely not blindfolded, but maybe keep the lights lowish?are we going to blindfold them?that could be funMarleenaI was thinking of blindfolds during the audio instructions but probably not for the creating part yeah agreedMarleenaYay! This is exciting This is gonna be fun hahaYeah I'm keen!what sort of mood are we thinking? because the sound effects will create the mood and toneor are we trying to evoke more than one emotion?MarleenaIm thinking a calming and compelling moodIf we're going to evoke an emotion itd be inspiration?Or enlightenmentalrightyso maybe some intense parts to make them really think, but sort of calming as well?MarleenaYeah! radI'll get to work MarleenaA+Since we're including a creating part, maybe the length of the script we have is enough?Do u reckon u'd be able test that in ur experiment?I just realized the time lmao. Goodnight all! Im off to bedYeah no props haha night!APR 15TH, 9:46AMImmiNice guys!! I will have a read of the script and stuff today Awesome  I was checking out some awesome social vids on YouTube last night and they were really inspiring! I'll some the links through and you guys can check em, maybe we can use some of the ideas for experiments or whatever. Also for the actual product, maybe we can include some more personally encouraging words, like starting with, 'you... are amazing... beautiful ..." etc and continue with the script?Just an idea ImmiCool I'll have a read of the script and let you guys know what I think :)) so far seems v v good hahaRadddd  I'll have to post the links later on as I'm out and don't have them hahahttp://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=mediumThe Power of WordsHarness the power of words to grow your business today: http://tinyurl.com/phokf69 For personal transformation order Andrea Gardner's book 'Change Your Words...youtube.comCheck this out!ImmiI think itd be more interesting to have the audience create the artwork at the same time as the recording so maybe we could do a trial using this script.. I can do it with my brother and have hie draw at the same time and if one of you wants to do the script and have someone draw after? And then we can discuss the implications and results of each?Marleenaok sure i will test out having someone draw the thingo afterwards ImmiAwesome :))APR 15TH, 6:29PMyeah great idea, that can be one of our experiments  I'm getting my brother to record it tonight so once it'd done I'll send it through and start playing with sound effects )ImmiQuestion, do either of you play an instrument?also I've added the youtube vids to google doc if you wanna check them out Marleenaunfortunately i dont haha all good, was just wondering for the soundtrack alright, here is my first edit!Play-5:01Unmutelet me know what you do/don't likeI added a few words to your script Marleenahope that's okay!APR 16TH, 10:13AMImmiokki so just did this with my brother and feedback is: that if we are drawing at the same time as the audio then it should be a littler more instructional.. not telling you what to do explicitly but perhaps having some words like "draw" or "translate this thought to the page" so that the audience knows to communicate the image they have in their head on the page. However, also good to draw after so having say 1-2 minutes of straight talking about imagining different things and then 1-2 mins after to drawMarleenai listened to the audio and i think the words u added helped out the script a lot ruve  enhanced it moreso i just tested out the audio and i definitely agree, the way it is designed now is best suited to having the drawing/creating component after the audioi think if we want to create a more "immersive" and ASMR-like experience, keep the drawing and audio separateMarleenai really enjoyed the music of the audio, i think it fits the tone of the piece well  my only thoughts are to add longer pauses between certain lines (like the one which says "i'll give u a minute" - this will help with immersion and give the audience space to think) and also refining the script more (tho i think it's pretty alright now)Marleenaother than that, only the final details are left. for the drawing/creating component, we can hand out A4 pieces of paper and any other materials to let people use (im sure the class will have stuff they can use to draw lmao) and for the audio part, i was thinking of just tearing up old rags and such for blindfolds  we could probably also get bedsheets to block out the window light as well, if u guys wanted ImmiI agree with the audience closing their eyes but it might be enough for them to just close their eyes? As then they have to conscious of not seeing and focusing on imaging? Also it could be good to leave the drawing up to the audience where they either draw during or after?Like if they have an idea they can jot it down but then have time after to drawAPR 16TH, 12:36PMMarleenai agree blindfolds might not be necessary, i just thought it might be good for immersion if its completely dark for them (and if their eyes open up a little bit, they still cant see) - i think for the sake of being immersed in the audio, it would better to have drawing afterwards so they can concentrate on thinking of what they will drawMarleenaim a bit worried if we leave it up to the audience they will chit chat during the audio lolAPR 16TH, 6:26PMImmiTrue pointAPR 16TH, 10:55PMRad! Glad you guys like it  yeah I definitely think I need to make some pauses longer, my brother said it pretty quickly. So you think the songs good to keep then? Yeah I reckon just to really immerse the audience we should blindfold them, and get them to draw once the voice says "open". The music will still be playing and I reckon keep it dark to keep the mood. Do you want to add anything else to the script? Also I reckon we should provide the art materials so we can point to that being the "responsibility" of us as the artist's APR 17TH, 9:45AMImmiYeah and I think discuss, in linking to marinas work, responsibility in terms of the 'creator' and whether the artist has to be the creator or whether the audience can be the creator etcYeah APR 17TH, 11:24AMMarleenaok, i will look over the script thing again soon - u guys can go over it again and add what u want as well umm im not really too sure what to add and i guess adding too much might be bad for time limit reasonsglad things are coming along!!  feeling less stressed already lolOkay no props, I'll work on it later today  all good! don't stressAPR 18TH, 9:52AMMarleenai just checked over the script again  added a few things here and there! looking good guysTUE 8:34PMOkay cool, let's have it finalised by tomorrow night then? And I'll get my brother to say it again Marleenasure thing! im fine with it if everyones ok with this deadline ImmiYep cool! I'll have a look in the morn sorry I've been trying to get a science report done ahh haha tomorrow night is good though WED 9:16AMImmiokki cool i re-listened to the audio and left a couple of comments on the google doc in regards to specific parts. If you guys want to have a look and then we can workshop the ideas into the final piece? :)) keen to do it in class and see what results we get hahaMarleenahullo ur up early!! hahai just checked ur comments and took ur advice into account and removed+added things i think its pretty much done!! i think its pretty interesting how u felt super relaxed and didnt feel like making art afterwards listening to it  am also keen to see what everyone else things - for me, its more like it inspires me rather than gives me great ideas etcWED 1:38PMImmiNice ! Yeah I think everyone will respond to it differently which is cool THU 1:11AMRad! I'll send the script again to my bro and then put together the piece, did you want me to keep the same musical soundtrack? Anything else you want me to add to it? We could even get the audience to just simply write one word about it or whatever as well THU 8:25AMMarleenaI think the same music is gr8, the only thing i rly wanna add is dramatic pauses xDFRI 12:04AMYeah great, I'll do it!FRI 9:37AMMarleenaso about the drawing bit, did any of youse have a4 paper and other drawing supplies at home that you could bring in for next wednesday?ImmiI've got A4 cartridge paperI've got pencils and heaps of mediums they can useAlso, what are we as the artist's going to do during this process?Are we going to do it too, or sit there as an object, watch and take notes, what?FRI 12:53PMImmimaybe we could also do it?then there isn't an 'us' and 'them' its just everyone responding to the audio?Marleenai think we might need to explain things a bit (like telling everyone to remain seated in the beginning and relax, and afterwards explaining we're going to give them to tools to draw what they want afterwards) because the audio isn't extremely explicit about thisso we might not be able to participate because we need to keep things running hahaImmitrueMarleenajust trying to think of the logistics because our class is pretty chatty/distracted sometimesImmior we could explain at the start everything and then the audio goes and once its finished we just have time to draw?haha true marleenaMarleenahahahayeah thats a good ideagive a little explanation at the beginning, prepare the art stuff, and then we can all participate togetherImminice :)) and then if we have to just stop and explain thats fine toowe won't really know how its going to pan out until we've done it any way! so will just have to see eee!Marleenayeah  no worries at allid appreciate if u guys could bring in the art stuff you have, i will too, i dont thing we'll need much paper just one sheet for everyone (like 20-30pcs), will only need pencils and other basic stuff as well, not to mention everyone in class probs has their own stuff tooImmiyeah for sure! i don't have a whole heap of stuff just cos I'm at not living at home but I've got some acrylic paint that i could bring ? and ill bring what ever i can find :))FRI 6:12PMMarleenanice! thanks FRI 9:04PMYeah man I have heaps I'll bring it all! What if I get my brother to say all of that, so we don't have to even talk at all? That could be kind of cool - like we remove ourselves so that we become part of the artwork, instead of having to explain ourselves? And then we can participate too?MarleenaYou know, that could work! We'd have to figure out the timing etc but itd be awesome!! Okay, I'll tweak the script a bit and get it done!FRI 10:51PMMarleenathanks  i will also tweak a little to help, if its not too lateYeah go ahead! I'll get him to do it tomorrowSAT 1:22AMImmiNice!!I'm happy to record stuff too if you need  but otherwise it's looking v goodSAT 2:52AMSure, if you like  just for continuity though do you think we should have just one voice? We could both record people tomorrow and compare the sound before I edit it if you like? SAT 8:14AMImmiHmm true, maybe it would work better with just one person? I guess depends if we want the instructions and audio to be connected or separate, what do you guys think?Marleenai think connected would be less jarring ImmiYeah true, ok in that case ruve are you ok in recording both parts?Marleenait should be ok, i just checked the script again and added in more instruction-type phrases and there's not much extra ImmiOk cool :))Marleenaso i read the script a dozen times lol, i was thinking instead of adding in the script "please use the materials at hand to create your artwork", we could have a slide on the projector instead say it? so that it kinda doesnt break the narrator's character as "our conscience"so that when everyone opens their eyes, they see the instructions on the projector to begin creating their artwork etcImmiYeah that could be good! We would just have to make sure that everyone stays on task I guess cos it could be easy for people to just stop thinking once the audio is over?Or we just have in the introduction that after the audio we will be drawingAnd then have the slide up? So that the audience is already thinking about creating a work from the audio and then once the audio is over they can go straight into it?Marleenai tried adding that bit to the audio but i think it breaks the atmosphere and also "ruins the surprise"cos i was thinking of our intentions and it might be better to have an authentic "first impression" by the audience?ImmiYeah trueMarleenaits kinda like, the intrigue plus if they knew theyd have to draw stuff, it might spoil the effect of the audioImmiYeah nice and then I guess linking to responsibility too and that they don't know before hand they are drawingMarleenayeah!ImmiYep I agree, will take away from the meditative aspectOk cool maybe we have the slideMarleenaalso about staying on task, the music will still be going during the drawing, and they're not drawing for too long, so it shouldnt get too crazyuhh hopefully LOLImmiHahaMarleenacos audio is what, 2 or 3 minsImmiYeah about thatI think 2 mins plus Intro?Marleenayeah i reckon it will be ok ImmiMaybe we can record the audio at the end of ruves brother saying the bit about drawing and then we can cut it out later if it interferes too muchBut at least we then have the option Marleenagood idea, doesnt hurt to try it outnice!! glad everything's coming along!! SAT 10:49AMYep cool, I'll get him to say it all then I'll do two recordings (we can use one for an experiment for Tumblr). If we have a slide, do you think the light of it will be too distracting? Or maybe we could have a really dark slide, almost like an artwork in itself, and have the words almost hidden there so they have to concentrate on reading it? Also, if we place paper in front of them they'll know they have to draw, so for an element of surprise we could perhaps place maybe a box with things in it secretly when they are listening (but then we can't listen) or we could just put the materials out front and let them choose? But that could take too longThoughts?MarleenaWhile their eyes r closed and theyre listening to the recording, we can just put on the slide and set up the art things  we can make the slide have a black background with white textI think the light will be ok like that - also btw i dont think i will end up making blindfolds because it doesn't seem too necessaryI think it will be fine just asking them to close their eyes - simplicity is bestIts a shame if we do it this way we wont be able to participate, but it sounds like it will run most smoothly if we handle the behind the scenesIm not too sure wat u mean about placing a box with things in it, putting all the stuff out front sounds good and simple and i dont actually think it will take too longIm worried having the text be too unreadable will take focus away from the limited time they have to draw Yeah no not so unreadable they can't read it, just dark enough so the light isn't too much, but yeah a black background  what I mean by a box is just having all the same materials placed inside maybe a box, one for each table, so they don't have to get up which should take less time?I know, what if we do the audio after we finish making it before class, and include it in our final product and compare ours as the artist's with the audience?That way we still get to do it and it could be more of a comparison?MarleenaThat would be pretty interesting  do u mean doing it alone or meeting up?I think its a little l8 to meet up but i can try it out defsImmiYeah we could do it separately or before class if there's time?No we wouldn't have to meet up, I mean each of us do it respectively at home ImmiOk yeahMarleenaYeah defs!ImmiAnd we could also compare doing it by yourself vs with other peopleJust so it adds another element to it?Yeah!ExperimentsLolMarleenaI think the box idea for each table is gr8, you dont even have to get a box u can just evenly spread it out  on each tableSo we could bring ours in and maybe even display them nicely whilst everyone has eyes closed? But maybe have them flipped so they can't see them until we reveal them at the end after they've drawn something?Yep okay cool MarleenaHahaha i like thatAlso, we don't want them to talk or look at each other's work right?What can we do to stop them doing this?MarleenaSlap their wrists with a rulerAlso don't forget the lights can't turn off, so are we blocking out the windows?Hahahah Hahahah#marinaMarleenaHahaAlso is there anything else that needs to be added to the script before I record?MarleenaWe could block them out, only thing wed need is sheets  white is ok but still lets light in, black would be betterIts not entirely necessary but might be coolAlso ye done with the script, the blue writing is the instruction bits I think having the calming music playing moderately loud will make them not talk as much - should keep them in the moment for 2-3 minsSo maybe in the audio u could raise the volume of the music just a little during the creating phase? We could include on the slide that they shouldnt talk etc but i think that's the extent of our power Yeah great idea I can do that Okay I'm not sure I have any black sheets but let's see what we can findAnd good idea having the instructions in blue!I'm keenMarleenaBlue font! Good idea No stress, the sheets arent entirely necessaryRadMarleenaOH i thought u meant have the instructions in blue font xDLike on the slideHahah that's okay, what colour do you want them?MarleenaAhh it doesnt really matter as long as the background is black - i was thinking dark grey,  white or calm blueYep coolSAT 9:42PMOkay so they are going to have about 40 seconds to get down their ideas lolBut that could be coolSAT 10:46PMOkay! I've done the edit, I'll send it through once it's uploaded and you can see what you think Also we should definitely give it a title Should we make note of the fact they don't have long and say that it was for a specific purpose?MarleenaSounds good! Good for reflectionAlso once I send it through, do you reckon we should get 3 people each to do it, and then we can compile these pieces together, maybe make a collage to post on Tumblr, and can display them on Wednesday as well?Just to add even more depth?https://www.youtube.com/uploadYouTubeShare your videos with friends, family, and the world.accounts.google.comhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNIUppJHQTYRUMINATION (audio artwork)This audio piece was a collaboration with two other art students. We have created an audio set of 'guidelines' in the contemplative stage, or the conceptual ...youtube.comsoz ignore the first one!I've called it Rumination for my youtube account, but if you don't like that we can change it! let me know what you guys think of it and if you want something changedAlso we can't forget to write our 300 words SUN 1:52AMImmi awesome! And thankyouu Haha would have likely forgotten about thatSUN 9:23AMMarleenaomg not gonna lie i completely forgot that as wellalso i think testing the audio out on ppl and displaying them is a nifty idea  not entirely necessary tho so dont have to stress about itMarleenaso just listened to the audio... having a mixture of putting the instructions on the screen and having ur brother read them out worked surprisingly well!  that was a good touch. i think we can actually afford to cut out some of the audio to make more time for the creating process at the endMarleenahmm ohh actually, i think a minute is alright, i just went over the audio againi went to the google doc and i underlined the chunk we could cut out if we wanted to extend the creating time, lemme know what u guys think  im pretty happy with what we have so far btw, i think we did a gr8 jobSUN 9:58PMCool! I think I actually don't mind the monologue taking up most of the time, because for me personally, I see the work as something that stimulates the conceptual stage rather than focus on the production of a piece, so I reckon a minute is okay. But I can edit it again if you both like  if we had a little extra time at the end we could possibly gather the pieces and display them out the front, but that may take too long anyway. Also, shall we all just write 100 words each about the project? Say we allocate a dot point each? Or would you prefer to do it a different way?Marleena100 words each sounds good Immiyeah i agree i think the drawing doesn't need to be too long as it is mostly about creating an image mentallyMarleenaYeah, im ok with not cutting much out tooImmiand yep 100 words sounds goodAlrighty, leave it as is then? Okay great, let's look at the rubric then decide what we shall each write?Also, do you mind if I post the vid to Facebook? I wanted people to do it and send me pics of their work, just to see what they created MarleenaLol no worries at all go ahead!Rad!I'm just looking up the assessment now Immiyes for sure!MarleenaYeah same Ahh sweetImmiim going to bed now cos I've got my stats exam tomorrow :// so will be able to do my 100 words tomorrow afternoon/ evening after the exmaMarleenaNo worries,  good luck with ur exam Immiahhh thanks! hahaAll good! Good luck!!I think I need to make the music a bit louder during the drawing process?Just listened to itMON 8:35AMMarleenathat sounds like a good idea considering we're going to be playing it in a large room, which might make the music sound even softerso i checked what the 300 word statement has to be about, and it basically needs to include: the original artwork chosen, the relevant weekly topic, and the process of productionso yeah! we can just pick a subject each, and write 100 words on that  if u guys dont mind, i will get started on "the original artwork"Yep cool! Immi want me to do the process of production so I can talk about the editing process?ImmiAwesome so I'll do weekly topic and how it links to responsibility?Marleenayup. woohoo! ImmiMarleenaso i just put mine in the end of our google doc for convenience MON 12:14PMImmiMON 7:25PMAwesome! Let's all put them there and then collate it so we can put it on our tumblrs MON 10:24PMHey girls! I've done my piece too, so I'm just editing them all together now, I hope that's okay  how'd you go today Immi?ImmiGood exams all done and I've put up my 100 words to the docWill do the audio tomorrow and drawing etc tooI'm happy to edit them if you want ruve! You've done heaps of work already :))Awesome! Yeah I know, I'm stitching the three together It's okay I'm almost done! I'll post it and then you can change it if you like ImmiOkki cool :)) awesomeOh yes I'll do the audio tonight too! Though it's hard with us because we already know what to expectOk it's up so you can check and change if you like Chat Conversation EndSeen by everyone Type a message, @name...

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth