#anyway. im. im gonna try to go to sleep. and not think about tragedy and qsmp

[kyber-crystal]

Unspoken Words

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Words: 4.2k (I POPPED OFF LOLLLLL)

Summary: In which the night before being deployed on a covert black-ops mission overseas with Natasha, you write Steve a secret love letter that you never intended to give him. But, it still ends up falling into his hands.

Warnings: fluff, soft angst, cute steve hehe

A/N: once again, shamelessly stole this idea from the kdrama im watching adsfasdf

To Steve.

You always told me it was time I found someone who cared for me just as much as I cared about others. For the longest time, I had myself believing I was set for life since I already had the team. That I didn’t need to find a man to sweep me off my feet and take his last name, to have as my own, as every time I seemed to let my feelings wander astray, it’d end in tragedy.

After waiting for too long to say this, I guess I'm gonna come clean now, so brace yourself. I felt as if this would be easier for me if I was saying it on paper rather than in person, so here you go.

I realized I'm in love with you. You never leave my mind. You're always there, mentally, if not physically. It's hard for you to comprehend all at once, I know, it's hard for me to wrap my mind around, too. It still feels unreal that I'm actually admitting all this to you. I could've sworn I'd only acted this way in my dreams, but hey, reality can sometimes come up behind you and slap you in the face, you know?

In the middle of the storm, a war that rages on in my mind, you’re my safe haven. You’re the gentle center who keeps me steady and prevents me from teetering over the edge and losing my grip on reality. You keep me centered, and I don’t know what I’d do without you by my side. Steven Grant Rogers, I’m in love with you. I know, it doesn’t seem real. As crazy as it sounds, I’m hopelessly in love with you.

Steve, you are my one stability in a chaos-ridden world and I thank you endlessly for that. I so desperately needed something to hold onto, something to convince me I was still alive and breathing and somewhat sane. It's hard for me, it's hard that only today I've accepted the feelings I'd been harboring inside for years. But I've decided to admit defeat and admit I've officially fallen in love with you. Because what I'm beginning to feel now is far too strong for me to ignore; it's impossible to keep up this act when you're all I can seem to think about.

It's all strange, honestly. The feeling of butterflies flying around my stomach and tickling my insides makes me feel as if I'm up in the sky, my head in the clouds, but it also overwhelms me and makes me scared at the same time. The fact that I'm in so deeply in love scares me because I know when I'm really in love with someone, it's hard to escape once I've completed the act of falling for them.

Weird, right? Who knew the great Y/N was so capable of being a romantic sap?

It feels dangerous yet completely safe at the same time, as if someone's given me peace and my heart is dancing around in my chest because it's so happy, at the same time there is a Captain America-shaped hole there in the center that I was never aware was there in the beginning. My chest aches at the thought of having to leave you or you not reciprocating my feelings, but I know I might just suffer that fate, since the world as I know it, isn't kind whatsoever. I should know this better than anyone, after fighting countless battles.

It scares me more than excites me, how you can go from being really close friends to then being completely infatuated and in love with them and wondering how you were ever able to go on with your daily life without them, because I sure as hell can't imagine that now. In the beginning, I told myself it's not right, I still had so much of my life ahead of me, so much time to plan out what I'm going to end up like in the future but my brain is screaming no, no, it is right, it's meant to be.

The team tries convincing me to do something about it but I'm terrified. Terrified that I'll have to bring down the thick and heavy walls I spent so much time building up in the fears of being hurt and damaged and my heart shattered to a million jagged pieces.

I know most people would consider me to be foolish and naïve for spilling my feelings through a sappy love letter, but it's true when I say I love you so much more than I could ever love myself. You're my best friend, and as cheesy as it sounds, you are my everything. My anchor.

I fell for you all on my own. Not because I was pressured to or anything, but because I made the decision myself. I don't just give my heart to you by default as if there's no one else available for me to open up to. It's because I choose to. Every day that I wake up, every day we're fighting for our lives or fighting each other or going about a normal day or whatever, I'll keep choosing you over and over again, and I hope someday you'll do the same.

I love you more than you know. And if you don't feel the same way, then it's perfectly fine. I understand, and I'll wait for you as long as it takes, no matter what.

Whatever it takes.

Y/N

You let out a long sigh and set down your pen, folding the paper up into fourths and tucking it under your lamp before pushing yourself away from your desk and standing up, stretching your arms in the air. What even was the point of doing that, anyways? It’s not like Steve’s just going to come in here and read the letter. 

The downside of living with the Avengers was that word got around very quickly, especially about your love life. There was no hiding anything from anyone, as they’d find out one way or another. If Tony didn’t find out first, it was Natasha, Sam, or Bucky who did.

“Hey, Nat,” you spoke without turning your head to look at who was behind you, knowing your red-headed best friend was leaning against the doorframe, observing you carefully. 

“Y/N,” Natasha nodded and made her way inside, sitting at the edge of your bed and you took a seat next to her, as she rested her head on your shoulder. “You alright? I can tell something’s on your mind.”

You shook your head. “I’m fine.”

“Something tells me you’re not.”

“Did Wanda read my mind for you?” you raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“No, she didn’t,” she replied honestly, “she’s busy baking cookies with Vis and Peter right now. You think you wanna tell me what’s up? As your best friend, I’m obligated to know what’s going on.”

You closed your eyes and let out a long sigh. "You know what it is."

"You mean who?"

"Why am I letting this happen to myself?"

"You can't control who you fall for,," she explained. "Your heart sometimes just has a mind of its' own."

“He’s Captain America,” you deadpanned.

“And you’re the badass Y/N!”

“I shouldn’t even have feelings in the first place. And I shouldn't have written that love letter that I won't even give him anyways, or...you know."

"You wrote him a letter?"

You got up and tugged the letter from underneath your lamp and gave it to her, watching as her eyes scanned over the paper with your tidy, typewriter-like handwriting filling the sheet from top to bottom.

"So..."

Natasha handed the paper back to you. "Why can't you just tell him?"

"Because he doesn’t like me back."

"You should tell him at some point. Keeping this all to yourself isn't healthy."

"You sound like Tony."

She chuckled lightly. "What?It's the truth."

"Fine," you threw your hands up in the air in defeat, "I’ll consider telling him after we get back from Kyiv. I’m only considering it. And if I do confess...will you take me out for shawarma? Bucky took me last time and I barely got to eat anything because he stole most of my food."

"Alright, I promise," she laughed. "You got a deal."

...

SHIELD was always taking advantage of your almost unparalleled skill in the art of covert espionage and hand to hand combat and sending you off. Normally, it would last no longer than a few days or weeks at a time, so to hear that you'd be gone for four whole months made Steve feel sick to his stomach. He was dreading having to watch you leave, because it would mean spending the next third of a year by himself, without being able to see your face or your smile or simply have you around for some good company.

You pulled him aside after dinner one night to tell him the news.

"Nat and I were called in by Fury early this morning. We're being deployed to eastern Europe to stop a nuclear missile launch."

"How long will you be gone?" He tried to keep his voice as steady as possible, but it was a dead giveaway that he didn't want you to go at all.

"Well...if things go right, 3-4 months."

"And if doesn't?"

"Six, maybe seven."

Steve felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach at your answer. "Why is it gonna take so long?"

"I don't know," you sighed, "just trying getting in and out isn't a very short process. We have to maintain low profile for a while before we infiltrate the base. If we're discovered too early on...then...well, we're basically screwed."

"Oh."

"Hey, I'm going to be fine, if that's what you're so worried about," you took his hand in yours and squeezed it tightly, "I know you're thinking I can't handle this, but I can. Nat and I are gonna look out for each other. I promise I'll be okay."

"When are you leaving?"

"First thing in the morning. We gotta go at four."

You didn't have to add on another sentence to tell him it meant you were unable to say goodbye to anyone. He nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to ignore that weird feeling in his chest as you kept holding his hand, not letting go even when you had the chance to.

Later that night, you were able to get five hours of sleep before Natasha came in to wake you up and you got ready. When she noticed how your eyes had lost the light to them and your shoulders slumped as you boarded the jet, she knew something was up.

Guilt clawed at your insides. You should’ve told him you loved him before you left, you idiot. What if you don’t make it back alive? Hm?

A set of footsteps echoing across the hangar bay suddenly made you turn around. You turned around to see Steve, jogging towards you and calling out your name. Knowing it was only a matter of minutes before you finished boarding and took off for a mission thousands of miles away, with very little ways of communication as you were supposed to be as discreet as possible when undercover, he didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye.

A mix of surprise and relief is on your face when you see him. You shake your head and give him a reassuring look, that everything was going to be okay and you'd be just fine.

"What are you doing here? You should be sleeping," your brows furrowed together in confusion as you unloaded your weapons, tying up your combat boots. "I thought you—"

Steve quickly comes forward and crushes you into a tight embrace that tells you he's going to miss you much more than he's letting on. You were quick to return the gesture, wrapping your arms around his torso and squeezing him back, resting your head against his broad chest.

"Stay safe out there," he murmured into your hair, pressing a light, fleeting kiss to the top of your hair.

You don't question his sudden act of sentiment, and just gave him a small smile in response. "Don't worry. I will."

With that, you turned around, stepping back up the ramp with Natasha. The gates to the hangar bay slid open, and within seconds you had taken off.

Steve stands there for a while even after the Quinjet is out of his sight, and it's only when Bucky pulls him back inside that he realizes he's been standing there for over an hour without moving at all.

The first few weeks pass by in a blur. He hardly eats, he hardly sleeps, he hardly even gets up for his morning runs or trains at all. After the first two months came and went, Tony grew rather concerned seeing him deteriorate and decided to ask him what was going on.

"Tony, I'm fine."

"Like hell you are. What's up with you? You haven't eaten a solid meal in over two months. You've lost some weight around your face, you almost look like a skeleton. When you haven't gone on your morning runs in forever, I should have a reason to be worried about you, Cap."

"It's been five weeks and she hasn't checked in with us yet," he stated plainly, gulping down his third cup of coffee of the day. "She should've called a week ago."

"God, I never thought you'd be the one to get so worked up over a girl," the billionaire let out a long sigh, pouring himself a cup of coffee as well at the kitchen counter before taking a seat at the island next to him, "but here we are now."

"What if she got injured?"

"Her and Nat are looking out for each other. I'm sure she's fine. She's going to be okay, so why don't you eat something solid for once? Tell me what you wanna order, I'll get it for you."

Thanks, Tony. I'll take Thai." (You and Steve often ate Thai takeout together.)

"Anytime."

Way over in Ukraine, you and Natasha were sitting on the bed in your hotel room watching the news on TV in silence because neither one of you felt like sleeping yet, until she decided to speak up.

"Why haven't you called Rogers yet?"

"I...don't know."

"He's gotta be missing you like hell, you know."

"I know. And I miss him too...a bit too much. That's why I can't call him. Because every time I hear his voice or see something that reminds me of him, it makes me fall even more in love with him and I can't afford having that. I don't want to risk getting hurt. Besides...I already summoned every last ounce of willpower to write that letter."

"You really should give him a call. It's not doing your heart any good to purposely drain yourself of him."

"Fine."

Steve had somehow allowed himself to get roped into a Mario Kart showdown with Bucky and Sam, when his phone suddenly lit up with a familiar number he could recognize anywhere. Your contact picture filled up the screen: you grinning wildly as his arms wrapped around you from behind, Pietro photobombing in the back as he made heart signs with his hands.

He picked up the phone and answered it after only one ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Steve," you spoke over the phone, "how's it going?"

"Hey," he couldn't help but break into a smile, "are you alright?"

"Yeah. We got the data files downloaded onto the flash drive and then destroyed it yesterday. So for now, we're just waiting around and maybe doing some tours of Kyiv while we have time."

"What time is it over there?"

"Half past midnight. You?"

"2:30."

"How are you holding up?"

Bucky and Sam looked over at that exact moment, wiggling their eyebrows up and down as they gestured for Steve to say something. "I'm doing fine. Got pulled into a Mario Kart deathmatch with the two idiots."

"Tell Bucky and Sam I send my regards and that I'm bringing back those baguettes I promised for when we stop over in Paris," you told him.

"I will. It's good to hear your voice, Y/N."

You couldn't help but feel your heart flutter at those words. "It's good to hear your voice, too. Look, I'm sorry...but it's getting late, and my data on my phone is low, Fury didn't give me an unlimited plan so I gotta go now. See you soon."

"Okay. Try to get some good sleep, alright? I don't want you getting hurt because you didn't get a good night's rest the night before. See you."

"COME ON, MAN!" Sam yelled as soon as you hung up. "You didn't even have the decency to say 'I love you?'"

"I love her, but not like that."

"Sure you don't. I saw the way your face lit up when you picked up the phone."

"Two months," the super-soldier let out a sigh of disappointment, setting down the controller to watch him and Bucky tear each other apart on Rainbow Road, "two more months."

He picked up his phone again and clicked on his camera roll, mindlessly beginning to scroll through until one picture caught his eye. It was during summer break when you were vacationing in the Bahamas for two weeks along with several SHIELD agents, and Coulson had taken the team picture. Fury had somehow been convinced to come along as well.

As his eyes scanned all the faces in the picture, he came across himself and noticed that he wasn't smiling at the camera, but at you instead, and you were doing the same. Both of you, gazing into each others' eyes as if the two of you were the only people left on Earth.

He felt a pang in his chest as he realized, at that moment, that he was in love with you and hadn't gotten the chance to tell you so before you left. And now, it could be too late.

The letter ends up reaching Steve much faster than you'd anticipated it to. The next day, he went to drop off the sweatshirt you left in his room last time you’d had a movie night together and comes across a single sheet of paper lying out on your desk.

All the color quickly drains from his face when he realizes this wasn't actually meant for him to read. He knows what he'd just done was wrong, but the fact that he was so oblivious to how you felt about him makes him feel even worse.

...

The mission had gone extremely well. You and Natasha were in and out of that base probably faster than you could summon Tony after yelling out that one of his suits had been tampered with.

Natasha thought it'd be fun to surprise him by coming back a month early and could tell instantly that you loved the idea, judging by the way your eyes lit up when you boarded the Quinjet.

You decided to call him again on the flight back as she sat at the front piloting the jet.

"Steve?"

"Hey. What's up?"

"Uh...I'm afraid there's been a change of plans."

"What plans?" His voice quickly grew worried as he tried masking his disappointment at the fact that you weren't announcing your return.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, I'm sorry, but...I just wanted to call you to update you on what's happening. Signal's not very good up here, Nat and I are flying out again so I'll call you when we touch down."

"Okay. Talk to you in a bit."

After making a quick pit stop at a bakery in Paris, you were up in the skies again, zipping back towards the Avengers HQs where the rest of the team was waiting.

"You know, I think Rogers is in love with you," Natasha gave you a knowing look as you touched down.

"What makes you think that?"

"When you guys were going after Bucky...I think that's when it all happened."

"But that was several years ago?"

"Exactly."

You unbuckled your seatbelts and stood up, picking up your duffel bags as the opening gates dropped down and you stepped off the ramp to an awaiting Bucky, Sam, Clint and Peter.

"Y/N!" Peter rushed forward, squeezing you in a tight hug. "Hi! You're home early!"

"Yeah, I am," you grinned ruffling his hair as you pulled apart. "You make sure Bucky and Sam didn't misbehave?"

Sam shot you a glare as Peter replied. "Well, they were alright. Happy dropped me off here yesterday and I monitored their Mario Kart matches to make sure nobody killed someone, so yeah. Clint was good too."

You went over to Bucky as Natasha went to talk to Sam and Clint about mission details."

"Y/L/N."

"Barnes."

"How was the flight?" His hard expression softened slight as he gave you a quick hug. "I heard everything went pretty well."

"Yeah, it was okay. A bit jet-lagged, but other than that I'm fine. And speaking of flight! I got you guys something."

You motioned for Nat to bring the box of pastries from the jet, and as soon as she did everyone's eyes lit up with excitement.

"Dude, you're the best," Sam exclaimed as he bit into an eclair. "I love Parisian pastries."

"We don't wanna be here too long, now do we?" Clint spoke up. "Y/N, I think you have a special someone to surprise inside."

"Oh?" you raised an eyebrow at the archer before following him and the others inside the compound.

Steve was busy reading a news article on his phone at the kitchen island, sitting there in a plain grey T-shirt and dark jeans when he looked up and met your gaze.

"Hey, soldier," you greeted with a smirk, "miss me?"

His face broke into a grin as he set his phone down. "You're back early."

"Fury was a bit more lenient this time," you shrugged, taking your hands out of your jacket pockets, "so he let us go. Since we got the job done pretty fast."

He chuckled lightly, pulling you close in response and wrapping his strong arms around you. "I'm glad you're back."

"So I take it you really missed me, huh."

"You could put it that way."

"Like hell he missed you. You should've seen him while you were gone, Christ," Sam groaned. "He wouldn't eat anything solid for an entire week."

"Oh!" Wanda piped up, "I believe he has something to tell you? Right, Steve?"

"No, I don't?"

"Uh, we'll leave now, then," Clint awkwardly cleared his throat. "Let's give these two a minute."

With that, they calmly filed out of the kitchen, leaving the two of you to yourselves.

"You look tired," Steve raised an eyebrow at you as he noticed the dark circles under your eyes.

"You look worse," you joked, earning a small laugh from him as you circled your arms around his torso. "I'm just a bit jet-lagged. The ten hour time difference wasn't very kind to me."

"Well, I'm glad you're back," he breathed out, "I missed you."

"Ah, there it is," you mumbled into his chest. "But yeah, I missed you too. And here I was starting to think Captain America didn't have the heart to care for someone so much."

"Only for you, Y/N," he chuckled, pressing a light kiss to your forehead, "only for you."

“Wait a second,” you pulled away and saw a familiar piece of paper sticking out of his jacket pocket, “what’s that?”

Your eyes widened as you pulled it out and realized it was the letter you’d written him several months back. “Oh shit...”

“Was I not supposed to read this?’

“NO!”

“It was addressed to me, though...?”

“I never meant for you to read it!” you hissed, “Now give it back!”

“Ah ah ah! I don’t think so.”

You let out an annoyed groan, going up on your tiptoes to try and snatch the paper out of his hand. “Screw you, Rogers. Why do you have to be so damn tall?”

You jumped up and down in an attempt to get the letter back for several minutes until you finally gave up, arms growing sore. When he towered half a foot above you, it was hopeless.

Your hands landed against his chest as you let them fall and you just stood there for a few seconds, or minutes, maybe, in utter silence, with his warm breath falling against your neck and you hated yourself for wanting this moment to last longer. 

The air was suddenly buzzing with anticipation, like the world was holding its breath to see what was to come next. Steve’s gaze lingered on your lips before he tilted his head downwards, placing a hand on the small of your back and pulling you in for a kiss. 

His lips met your own so softly, so gently that you swore that you were dreaming for a split second, and you let out a sigh as your arms slid around his waist and tightened their grip around him. 

“In case I haven’t made it obvious enough, either,” he hummed, “I’m in love with you too.”

You felt heat rise up your cheeks. “You weren’t supposed to read that!”

“Too bad,” he smirked, resting his chin on your head, “I read it already, three times. You bet I’ll be keeping this for myself.”

“I hate you so much.”

“That’s not what the letter says.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Fine! I love you.”

Steve laughed lightly. “I love you too, Y/N.”

[rydeszegras]

hospitals make miracles - r.donovan

hi guys ! this is my first fic and its not good whatsoever but figured id give it a shot haha, hope you enjoy !

wc: 1,623

warnings: minor swearing, mentions of injuries

-

you were a senior at andover high school on a roadie up to your annual trip in duluth. youve been taking this trip since your freshman year as you were one of the first players to ever make varsity as a freshman. that being said, this was your year, this was the year you had to show out. being named captain this season not only did you have to step up and lead the team, but you also had to focus on your game as it was your year to get scouted. you’d been looked at by minnesota-duluth, boston college, and minnesota, but all you wanted was to go to wisconsin, and this was your year to make it happen.

“y/n/n, are you ready to see all the hot duluth boys this weekend? i heard their varsity team plays at the same time of us and they have the wisco hot shot ryder donovan.” lilly said bouncing up and down in the seat next to you. you and lilly had been best friends ever since you met eachother at little wild camp 12 years ago. “y/n are you even listening”, “oh yeah sorry lil, just thinking about this weekend, did you know wisconsin scouts are gonna be there, i dont know if i can do this lil, i cant mess up, my future relies on this weekend” you exclaimed, trying not to freak out. “y/n/n you’ll be great i promise, but we should get some rest, weve still got 1.5 hours left and we’ve got a big game against east tonight.” you nod your head in agreement, dozing off into a deep sleep.

after an hour and a half of driving you arrive at the rink, getting up you fix your hair and adjust your sweats and parka and get ready to go grab your bag. after grabbing your bag, you start to head into the rink when you hear lil and ken start screaming, turning your head you see what all the fuss is about. and there he is. standing right before your eyes. ryder donovan. you’ve seen him in pictures as you followed him and some of his friends on instagram, but wow he was even prettier in person.

stumbling into the rink you make your way into the locker room gearing up to take the ice for warmups at duluth heritage. stepping onto the ice you complete your typical warmup of one-timers, slaps, and some stretching before noticing two big things in the stands. wisconsins top scout, and wisconsins top recruit, ryder. you didnt like it, but you just couldnt take your eyes off him.

the game begins and you take the ice playing your heart out making a clean goal through the five hole and racking in two more assists. after taking the ice to begin the last 20 mins of play, you get ready to take the faceoff for the third period. you win the faceoff clean and go to prepare to set yourself up to take a one-timer on the net. thats when tragedy strikes, when bringing your stick back to recieve the one-timer, before you know it you’re slammed into the boards on a cross check. tumbling down you hear a snap, a snap so loud that you watch the scout and ryder jump to their feet. as the athletic trainer scrambles to try and get you off the ice, you’re taken off the ice on a stretcher as you cant seem to put any weight on your right leg.

on the way to the hospital all you can think is why me, why now, why today. knowing it was probably your acl, you knew you were done for the season, that was it, it was over. scrolling through your twitter you saw your team won 5-2, which put your team in an excellent spot to start the season.

you arrived at the hospital and settled into your bed when a quite familiar but unfamiliar face walked into your toom. left speechless you see the 6’3 brunette standing in your doorway. “hey im ryder, i know you probably dont know me but i know you, you’re all the wisconsin scout has talked about for the past year and as im committed there i knew i had to see what the girls team is gonna have to offer and let me tell you, you looked incredible out there” ryder says shakily, messing with his fingers. you thank ryder and invite him into your room to sit on the chair. “trust me ryder i know you, youre all the girls have talked about after finding out that we played east this season, and youre committed to my dream school so theres that too, but theres no way the wisconsin scout wants anything to do with me, especially now that i have a double torn acl” you said, pointing down at your stitched up and wrapped knee, trying not to cry.

the next day, lil picked you up to bring you back to your hotel. on the car ride there you told her about everything that happened last night but when telling her you felt you sounded crazy, theres no way that thee ryder donovan went to visit YOU at the hospital and there’s absolutely no way that the wisconsin scout actually liked you. that was until you saw the instagram notification pop up on your screen... rydesdono would like to send you a message. you were shocked, theres no way that actually happened, but you opened the dm anyways to see what there was to say.

-

ryder donovan:

hey cutie, i never got your number last night and i was hoping we could catch up a little bit sometime if you feel up to it, i know with your knee it might not be easy, but i figured i would ask:)

you sat speechless. theres no way last night absolutely happened and there was absolutely no way he just called you “cutie”, but of course youre gonna meet up with ryder, no matter how much work it is

-

you:

hey rydes! id love to meet up with you again ! heres my number 952-***-****

-

thinking he might not actually text you because thats what hockey boys do, but sure enough you were proved wrong

-

maybe: ryder

hey y/n its ryder, pick you up at 6?

you:

absolutely, cant promise it’ll be easy with my knee and all, but i’ll make it work:))

rydes:

how about i pick us up food and bring it back to your hotel room, that way you can still have dinner with me but you can rest your knee at the same time;)

you:

that sounds great, ill make sure to leave the door unlocked

-

speechless you instantly call lilly and tell her everything, who freaks out the second you mention his name. as much as she doesnt believe it, you dont either. how is it that getting injured led you to a hot shot hockey player that is committed to the same school you are (yep thats right, wisco gave you an offer!!), one who’s actually genuine and nice AND insanely attractive. its mind blowing, but knowing theres no way this goes anywhere, as youd have to take the 2 hour drive back to andover in two days and probably wouldnt see ryder again until next year when you were both at wisconsin.

about an hour and a half later you hear two quiet knocks at your door, yelling “come in” at the sound. from your bed you see the cute hockey player who walks in from the doorway carrying the bag of food he got from grandmas, which happened to be your favorite restaurant in duluth. ryder sets the food on the table getting your food prepared so you didnt have to get up. he brings your food over to you and you invite him to sit next to you on your bed. you turned on your tv to the umd vs minnesota game as you rest your head on ryder who had just put his arm around you after you both finished eating. after talking for hours, that really felt like 10 mins, ryder decided that he should probably get back home and even if you didnt want him to go, you agreed.

for weeks after that you and ryder talked and talked for hours on end nonstop whether it was through snapchat, messages, or facetime. even though you only lived two hours apart, your schedules clashed too much to ever be able to meet up with eachother again. eventually after a year later you had completed your physical therapy and were ready to start your first year as a badger, but most importantly you were eager for ryder to get into town so you could hug the gorgeous brunette again.

when arriving at labahn, you were preparing yourself for the first day of practice and your next meet up with ryder, as the boys were using labahn as well as kohl center was undergoing some remodeling. you pull your bag out of your grand cherokee when you saw the brunette, and just like the first time you saw him your heart stopped. dropping your bag you ran in a dead sprint to see him as he dropped his bag and ran towards you wrapping his arms around your shoulders as if its been decades since youve last seen him as he held you for what felt like forever, when ryder whispered into your ear, “so hospitals really do make miracles happen” as he picked you up to kiss you before making your way into practice, knowing that without your injury you may have never found eachother the way you did.

[cassyapper]

loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

[schnees-and-schnugs]

head empty baby schneebling ficlet ??? (just so yall know i had no idea what this was going to be about until i started typing so im gonna be surprised by what i write too). if it seems that winter has chronic ADHD brain in this fic its bc i have chronic ADHD brain and that’s just how i roll.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Winter tried to ignore the meowing as long as she could. After all, there was not a single feline creature to be found in the manor, so either she’s dreaming or hallucinating. Or maybe her ears are ringing from her father’s latest tantrum. 

  Being held hostage at the dinner table and forced to listen to his incessant barking voice ought to have caused me permanent brain damage. She smirked under her covers. Now if I can close my eyes and go back to sleep-

  “MEEEEROOOWOOW”

  What the fuck is that?

  Winter knew she ought to get up but she really did not want to. Her thighs ached from horse riding lessons earlier in the day. Her head ached from her business studies her father forced down her throat. Her soul ached from the pain of existence. She was beginning to think she was being punished for some transgression- if being unbelievably charming and sexy deserved- actually, I don’t think I’m going to finish that train of thought. 

  Winter could only tolerate her own sense of humor in small doses, but giver her situation- her entire life up to this point- she didn’t think having an unbecoming jocularity was high up on her list of Current Problems and Tragedies. In fact, it’s quite low given that her father makes up the better part of the first half. 

  She rolled onto her side, one ear muffled by her pillow, and the other under the soft thick layer of her cotton blanket. The noise seemed to have disappeared, and Winter was quite okay with that. She wondered briefly of the possibility of a mountain lion finding its way into the Schnee Estate. She wasn’t even sure if wild animals such as that existed in Solitas, much less bright and pristine Atlas. Winter wasn’t even sure if mountain lions meowed. 

  If a beast made it’s way into the manor, what would I even do? No doubt she would try to locate the animal, gather Weiss and Whitley in her arms and stow them somewhere safe. Maybe even use a piece of meat to lure the lion into father’s bedroom, she mused. Winter tried lull herself back to sleep with the thought of her father begging her for mercy as she unleashes her new pet-

  “MREEEEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOOOOOW”

  Her eyes snapped open. Gods-

  A soft muffled voice followed the feline yell. A familiar voice. A voice exactly suited for one little boy she new very well. 

  Winter narrowed her eyes and listening closely. She could tell it was Whitley from the general childish sound of his tone, but due to her very comfortable position in bed, she couldn’t quite her the specifics. Huffing, she sat up and pricked up her ears.

  “... quiet....please kitty... you’re going to wake up....”

  Winter sputtered. Kitty?

  Did Whitley somehow bring a cat into the manor? She didn’t doubt that given the chance he would- he was overly fond of animals in a way that Winter never understood. Not that she hated animals per se, but the idea of the added responsibility of a pet on top of her already ever-growing responsibilities of being heir to the SDC did not sit well with her. Whitley on the other hand, being the third child, and well, and actual child, didn’t really have much to care about beyond his normal tutoring sessions. Which means that, of course he can have a tiny bird feeders outside his window to feed the little birdies and cry at the sight of a roasted chicken because how could they kill and cook and innocent little animal?

  Winter didn’t understand how a child under 10 years of age could be taken by vegan persuasions- even Father was shocked to silence at that outburst at the dinner table.

  The sound of Whitley’s voice faded out as Winter strained her ears. If he did bring a cat into the manor, she needed to fix that immediately. Father would be furious at not only being woken up in the middle of the night but Whitley breaking the strict rule of no animals whatsoever allowed indoors.

  Father is allergic.

  (What animal he’s allergic to is unknown, but Winter suspects he’s just afraid of them).

  Sliding off the bed, Winter winced at the feeling of cold tile on her bare feet. She simultaneously thought of giving Whitley a good scolding for making her roll off of bed at such an ungodly hour and thanking the Gods that Whitley’s room was right next to hers on the other side of the wall. And the farthest away from Father’s room.

  Sliding her feet into a pair of pale blue fluffy slippers, she cautiously stepped out of her room and into the hallway. The moment the clock strikes 12 the hallway lamps usually shut off on their own, leaving at least this portion of the manor pitch black until the sun rises and lights up through the windows. If Father was working late he would manually change the lights to turn off at a later time- only to suite himself, of course. Everyone else who had the misfortune of living in the manor had to finish up and be back in their rooms by midnight or suffer having to find their room in the dark among the endless doors that lined the hallway. Winter had mastered the art of blindly walking down this hall- but not without multiple mishaps and embarrassments at first, unfortunately. 

  Arms outstretched, Winter felt her way from her doorway to Whitley’s room. She kept close to the wall and tiptoed, feeling for the doorknob before pressing her ear against the room door.

  “Are you hungry little kitty?” There was an affirmative purr and Whitley hummed. “I’m going to have to find you some treats...”

  Winter could practically hear the cogs turning in his little adolescent mind. She knew for sure that Whitley was formulating a plan to break into the food storage for the animals in Mom’s garden- would they even have any cat food in there? He surely is going to be disappointed. 

  Winter sighed. She almost wished she had stayed in bed. She turned the knob and nudged open the door, prompting Whitley to softly gasp. 

  “Winnie!” She heard him quickly shift on his bed. Winter stepped fully into the space before gently closing the door behind her. She turned towards him and assessed the scene before her. Whitley, in his white nightgown, sat in the middle of the bed. He was cradling a suspicious lump wrapped up with his blanket while his round face was contorted by a small frown as he stared back at his oldest sister.

  “Father says that we shouldn’t leave out room after midnight”, the lump shifted and Whitley clutched it tighter.

  “Father also says we aren’t allowed to bring animals into the manor...” Winter crossed her arms over her chest. “What’s that on your lap?”

  “Nothing!”

  “Are you sure?” Whatever annoyance Winter felt melted away at the sight of Whitley pouting. She sauntered playfully to the edge of his bed and wiggled and finger in his face. “Are you lying to me? Your older sister Winnie? You’re lying to me?”

  Whitley broke eye contact. “Well...” The lump mewed and a furry white paw extended from out of the cover of the blanket. Winter raised a brow.

  “That looks suspiciously like a cat.” Winter crawled into his bed and uncovered the little creature. The cat loafed on Whitley’s lap, grooming the pristine white fur on around its pink paw beans. It looked to be a few years old. 

  “Isn’t it pretty?” Whitley caressed the cat’s back, having already moved on from the earlier argument. Winter tried to pat its head but the little critter swiftly dodged her palm and scampered to the edge of the bed and curled up, seemingly to sleep. Rude.

  There’s a more present matter at hand anyways.

  “Where did you find it?” Winter turned her attention back to her little brother.

  “Her”

  “What?”

  “It’s a she, Winnie! Look at her butt!” Winter politely declined the suggestion. She had no interest in inspecting the cat’s backside- she didn’t seem to like Winter anyways.

  “Well, where did you find her?” 

  “I didn’t find her! Mr. Hartley gave her to me”

  “The grounds keeper?”  Winter scoffed. “Why would he give you a cat?”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “Why don’t you don’t believe me?” His eyes started to brim with tears and he grabbed Winters right hand with his own two smaller ones. “Father said we’re not allowed to bring animals in here but I didn’t know what to do! Mr. Hartley said he’s leaving but he can’t take her with him. I said I would keep her. But Father is going to yell at me if he finds out- I’m scared...” 

  Winter’s chest ached at the desperation in Whitley’s voice. This isn’t normal is it? For a child to be so terrified of their parent like this. When she was his age, she felt the same way- so scared and vulnerable. It was the end of the world to get negative attention from Father, and most of the time it seemed to be the only type of attention he gave. It almost seemed par for the course all those years ago. She didn’t know any better- it was just the norm.

  Looking at Whitley, petrified like she was- she could see the abuse from the outside. Almost as if she’s watching her own experiences and she’s chained to a front row seat. Except she didn’t have an older sibling to hold her hand and to share the pain with. To protect her. To defend her. Isn’t that what she always wanted in the worst days of the past? Couldn’t she be that now?

  Whitley couldn’t keep the cat. There was no amount of convincing that could make Father give in- it’s always been about his own ego, more than anything. But that doesn’t mean that Father has to know this cat was ever here in the first place. Atlas has plenty of animal shelters, and having a pet cat was in vogue now. She would convince Whitley to let Klein take the cat to the nearest one in the morning. Father would never know if they were discrete. 

  “Winnie...” Whitley’s bright blue eyes searched her face.

  Winter grabbed him under his arms, and with little struggle, sat him between her stretched out legs. She hugged him around the waist from behind and softly told him her plan. 

  “... do you want to do this with me?”

  Whitley sniffed. “I can’t keep her?”

  “Father won’t allow you to. We can make sure the kitty is safe and taken care of though... Klein will do this for us, I know it. You won’t get yelled at and you can tell her goodbye in the morning. Father will be none the wiser.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that he’ll never know.”

  Whitley was quiet for a few seconds before Winter felt him nod softly beneath her chin. “Can I sleep with her tonight?”

  Winter blinked. She forgot it was currently hours past Whitley’s bedtime. He must be half asleep.

  “Yes. Just make sure to keep her in your room, okay? I’ll leave a message for Klein to see in the morning. Don’t...” She paused. She noticed Whitley breath start to even out as he fell asleep against her.

  I suppose I’m going to be sleeping her tonight also. She needed to make sure that this all goes well. However, Winter couldn’t ignore the uneasiness in the pit of her stomach. Was she just getting Whitley used to this? Hiding secrets out of fear? Was she allowing Father to have his way in Whitley’s eyes? Getting Whitley accustomed to living under Father’s thumb? She was just trying to protect him. But she couldn’t shake the feeling of selfishness, that she was denying Whitley happiness for the sake of peace with their Father.

  Mom always told her to choose her battles carefully. 

  She couldn’t help but feel that if she chose all the wrong ones, she’ll end up hurting Whitley beyond repair.

[roguestarsailor]

thoughts on a court of mist and fury *spoilers*

***** lots of spoilers folks *****

- MY GIRL FEYRE IS READING!! SHES READING LIKE REGULARLY AND CASUALLY IM SO PROUD

- RHYSAND MY LOVE I TAKE BACK ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID IN BOOK ONE AND YOU ARE A BABY THAT NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND PROTECTED AND DESERVE PEACE AND QUIET AND MORE LOVE

- tamlin needs therapy like pronto; we dont stan a unsupportive partner and partner who is unwilling to share pain!! CANCEL TAMLIN 2020

- rhys popping up during the wedding scene was *chef’s kiss* and i noticed that he didn’t “claim” her as he said he would for like three months after everything. i suspect he was being a good person and literally letting her live her life. also for loving someone, tamlin was super chill and just kind of let her go??? idk i thought there would be more of a fight??? when feyre was literally like why are your claws retracting man?? fight for me??? hello??? but then again rhys is definitely more powerful than tamlin and probs some unspoken laws and such between high lords i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anyways tamlin aint shit

- page 296-298! fucken shook me to my core. that self awareness, that confrontation, she identified the core of everything and it was such a turning point and im just so proud of her!!! She's recognizing her traumas and is healing!!!!!!!!!!

- yeah i immediately ship cassian and nesta; i hope she fucks shit up in the next book  😀 😀 😀 😀  

- maybe az and mor are truly the slowest of slow burns   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- i pictured pollution from good omens as how Amren is suppose to look like

- rhys is such a strong leader and im just -- baby deserves all the love. He's really good at plotting. He really made feyre learn all these things so they can nurture their love but also be a strategic advantage its interesting that even tho theres love there he still treats her like a weapon

- the joy in his rhys eyes when they winnowed into his regular ass town house that feels super lived in. and his friends banging on the door like he isn’t the feared night court high lord that he is. that was so refreshing to see that hes a regular person and not that high lord man who lives in a near empty mansion. he puts on a mask for everyone but he himself is just a regular fae.  

- reading about the peace that velaris was able to live through was beautiful. i imagined a city like san francisco with the hills and views of the ocean but kind of like the peace found in super small towns or cities in asia; maybe even some european cities (which is prob where this location is inspired by but i haven’t visited many euro cities). the scenes of ppl dining out, making art and music and just chilling is so lovely esp given our current pandemic. art is so treasured there and im like thats the epitome of a great society isn’t it? being able to do things because you just can without the pain of financial insecurity, civil unrest, etc. i definitely would love and die and for a society like that. its just so wonderful. i was filled w happiness while reading those scenes. :)

- rhys and his inner circle taking feyre out into the town and just being casual. nobody treats them like theyre royalty or anything special. theyre just a regular group of friends who enjoy hanging out. its super nice and nostalgia inducing esp during this pandemic when friends are so far away and not like it used to be.

- when rhys immediately saw how under weight and dead freye looked when she was in spring court -- AND IT WAS THE FIRST THING HE SAID TO HER WHEN HE SAW HER THROUGH THE DOOR WHILE TAMLIN DIDNT FUCKEN NOTICE

- i also take back my frustrations in book 1 when freye always wondering around the grounds in spring court esp during calanmai. i thought it was because the author needed to move the story forward but its just freye. she doesnt sit still and now that shes w rhys, we are seeing soooooo many things about prythian and thats beautiful. tamlin was truly a hinderance huh

- rhys sent her music when she was in the cell in Under The Mountain which was found in velaris. maybe he wasnt risking a lot but he just showed her a glimpse of the forbidden world right under aramantha’s nose holy shit he saved her from destruction!

- when rhys had his nightmare and feyre came to comfort him and kissed him on the cheeks and gave him such tenderness made my heart sing~

- rhys is literally opposite of tamlin is soooo many ways. RHYS DID THINGS OUT OF LOVE, WHILE TAMLIN DID THINGS FOR LOVE. everything from how rhys made sure feyre can grow into who she is meant to be, to how he introduces her to his friends and how he interacts w everyone in his court, how he handles pain, everything is so different than tamlin. tamlin feels pain and just bulldoze over things, doesn’t think about how his actions are hurting others even as he is hurting. he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t share, he doesn’t try to get himself or feyre out of this misery and just sees threats everywhere and hits them. he was also supper passive honestly. no doubt hes riddled w guilt and grief but can’t figure out how to handle it so he uses feyre as his crutch where if he can “save” her he will be free smh

- rhys PAYS feyre!! HE GAVE HER FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND RESPECT FOR HER WORK!! THE INDEPENDENCE THAT TAMLIN DIDNT FUCKEN GIVE.

- THOSE NOTES THEY SEND TO EACH OTHER SINCE FREYE CAN READ AND WRITE NOW

- Ianthe was sus from the beginning!! i knew it!! although i did bet she was gonna sleep w tamlin on the side. But she's a lot worst so we don't like her either

- the throne room scene was steamy af this time its fine because there was ~consent~ and also because we see the dynamic and growth between the two and how they work together. this was great although I was kind of like pls get a room tho

- RHYS SMILING!!! FEYRE AND RHYS LAUGHING TOGETHER UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

- THEY ARE MATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FEYRE AND RHYS FOUND EACH OTHER AND HAD SO MANY SHARED TRAUMAS AND WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER AND GREW TOGETHER AND LEARNED ABOUT EACH OTHERS QUIRKS AND ITS JUST LOVE IN ITS PUREST FORM UGH THAT SCENE WHERE RHYS WAS CRYING AND FEYRE HEATED UP FOOD FOR THE BABY AHH MY HEARTTTTT  MY WHOLE ENTIRE HEARTTTTTT IS BURSTING WITH LOVEEEEEE

- LUCIEN AND ELAINE HOLY FUCK WHAT A LEFT FIELDER i hope this is the push that will propel lucien to defy tamlin. going back to the contrast between how tamlin vs his court and rhys vs his court, rhys has a group of unwavering loyal friends and are treated equally esp letting them joke around so much and it feels like a casual group of friends hanging out. tamlin has just as much loyalty from lucien but theres still a power structure that tamlin maintains. luciens words doesn’t have much weight whereas rhys’s friends do. both tamlin and rhys have so much power and sway and similarity in traumas and tragedy but both execute things completely differently. tamlin only wants to upload what he is familiar with, maybe what he thinks his father wants whereas rhys actively tries to think of something better, to change the system regardless of how hard it is.

- tamlin you dumbass. He didn't learn from amarantha. He again let his pride fuck over a bunch of other ppl. He shat on amarantha and fucked over his court. Now he fucked the rest of prythian and human world by bargaining w the king. Smh goodbye tamlin

- I straight up knew the queens were bad!!! I knew they had to be plotting something. The sixth is "ill" my ass.

- LADY OF THE NIGHT COURT LETS GO FEYRE AND WOOWW WE STAN A MAN BREAKING TRADITIONS AND SUPPORTING EQUALITY

- when hybern was destroying velaris. I WAS GONNA THROW HANDS BRO. I'm glad we saw the extend of how powerful feyre could be and how she was clever and we can really see how she's completely different from before. She has bite and fight in her and it's so refreshing!

- how about we let az and cassian live in peace. Those boys had to deal w the blunt of literally everything. from being the only shield in valeris to poison/hurt wings against the king, just beat up all the time 🥺

- suriel is their version of a wikipedia

--

I read all 600 damn pages in like 2.5 days and I was loving it the entire time! My heart sored when feyre and Rhys were getting close and starting to break down their walls and really connect. This was a truly good enemies to lovers, slow burn tale and the drama is so great. There were good stakes that changes a character and their behavior and a good balance of action and excitement but at the same time so many little moments that let u see the character and how they interact w each other and the world. a lot of big plot moments, slice of life moments, a bit of romance and comedy. overall, an amazing book but super long. thus far this is my favorite book and im hoping the rest of the books can be just as charming and lovely but not too heart breaking. i hope rhys and feyre makes it. i cannot predict what to expect in the other books in the series (isn’t there gonna be 8 books total???) 

[mirohed]

park seonghwa | the trouble with twenty

pairing: park seonghwa + fem!reader (theres ONE mention of the reader being female im kinda mad i thought this was gender neutral the whole time)

wc: 3.0k

genre: fluff and angst (but the fluff wins)

warning: mentions of death

concept: when you fall in love with someone that isn’t your soulmate, you give a piece of your soul to them; failure to find your soulmate before running out of soul to give results in one’s death + you stop physically aging when you hit the age of twenty.

a/n: ok holy shit i ,, never finish my wips 99% of the time so im glad this could b the 1% !! s/o to @akokj @cheelix @lvryeol @trulyjaehyuk & finally a big big thank you to one of my irls who’s been w it since its beginnings in early january SDHJS

The universe, you find, seems to work in mysterious ways; you meet your first boyfriend in high school. The both of you are wide-eyed teenagers with no sense of how love works, but it's fine as long as you're together. It's Jongho that sits across from you at the diner and sips from your shared milkshake. It's Jongho that takes you to drive-in theaters and plants a nervous kiss to your lips on the ride home.

It's a sweet love that blooms in the summer, a whirlwind sweeping you higher and higher, and you relish the view. Being with him comes with this sweet, bubbling feeling ("Like soda?" he had joked one afternoon) that begins in the pit of your stomach, spreading outward until you sport matching carefree grins and aching cheeks.

The year is 1939, and you're on the cusp of your nineteenth birthday when all that has gone up begins to come crashing down.

You're about to fall asleep one night when you sit up, a sharp pain shooting through your whole body. You know what this feeling is; you've had to help Jongho through it when he went through the same thing.

Everyone says losing a part of one's soul is both a tragedy and an expected outcome. You've always maintained the opinion that the universe enacts its own cruel, unusual punishment on those who love anyone besides their fated partner. Those you love more than life itself are the ones who end up killing you.

Loving Jongho burns. It sears your whole body with an inhuman heat, and your mouth opens in a silent, pained scream.

And just as quickly as it had come, the pain vanishes, leaving a faint heat under your skin.

You turn nineteen. You still live in the same town you were born in. You reexamine your life.

Growing old isn't for you; too much to do, too much to see. You're meant for things greater than wasting away as his housewife and nursing his children.

A few nights later, you disappear with nothing but a few bags, whatever fuel remains in your car, and the road ahead to keep you company.

You wish you could say you lose track of time from there, but you don't. Time passes, and the world patches itself from years of war and anger. You return to what could be considered the new normal a little hardened from harrowing times, but otherwise no worse for wear.

You spend time with others — enough to break a few hearts. The feeling of new life, pieces of other people’s souls, being breathed into skin that grows older is a high unlike any other. You push down any thoughts of love, running from town to town the second things feel too real for you. Your body stops aging, and it’s a little jarring at first, but you grow used to seeing a twenty-year-old you in the mirror, even as you age far past it.

Your friends and family are still alive and well. You write to them sometimes, letters with no return address. You know your family wants you back, wants you to find the one your soul aches for, wants you tied down. You tried to understand it, you really did, but all it got you were sympathetic looks and a divide that wedges itself deeper and deeper and deeper.

At some point you realize that the letters you wrote, once full of emotion, have become monotonous, mere updates with no real commentary. You stop writing them.

The transition from summer's vivid green to autumn's dusty orange marks your arrival in a new town. You're idly swirling a drink in your hands when you lock eyes with a leather-clad young man from across the bar.

It's 1953 when you meet Mingi. He's exhilaration, speeding down empty land on a motorcycle he keeps pristine. He's everything your parents might have frowned at, bruised and bloody knuckles that have seen one too many bar fights. You come to find that he keeps a surprisingly soft heart locked behind it, one that opens easily to you.

The two of you are on a road trip when you feel that familiar rush, and you help him pull over. He grips your hands, bites into the blanket in the backseat, until it's over. He lets you take the wheel until you reach a rest stop.

You remember the night you gave the second piece of your soul away. It's a chilly autumn night — your anniversary. You hadn't listened to him when he had told you to dress for cold weather, and you were paying the price. Shivering, you run your hands up and down your arms in an attempt to warm up as you get off his motorcycle. It doesn't work, and Mingi notices, doing his best to hide a grin.

"What did I tell you?" he teases. You're about to open your mouth for a retort when he shrugs his jacket off (that same worn leather piece you saw a year ago) and helps you fit your arms in the sleeves. It's an action he's used to, but there's something about the atmosphere tonight that makes your breath hitch. You look up at him, and he grins before leaning in.

The kiss is slow, his mouth moving languidly against yours as the city sleeps below. He pulls away first, biting back a chuckle when your lips try to follow. “I love you,” he whispers as he pulls you into his embrace.

And again, the pain that makes your blood boil. Somewhere in the haze of pain, between bunching your hands in his shirt and loud curses into the night, you tell yourself this is the last time you give your soul to another.

You feel a subtle pain in your chest as you head to the next town, leaving Mingi and the memories in the rearview mirror.

Time passes, and you see enough winters to make you sick of snow. You become the longest-lived person in known history, and it makes you famous.

You're contacted to speak about your accounts from major historical events (none of which are particularly useful), and find yourself in movies and documentaries, on talk shows, and more than once as a speaker for a new museum. There was a point where you could turn a corner and someone would recognize you as the only living "immortal."

It's one of those corners turned, on one of those countless winters, that you run into a young man. You don’t miss the way he swallows lightly before clearing his throat to apologize.

You've long since lost track of time when you meet Hongjoong. (But if you had to give an estimate, you'd put it around the 21st century.) You don't think it matters when he takes you for coffee, pulling you into a cozy corner cafe. He draws you in, little by little, and you pretend to not notice.

Where he is open, you are closed — on your fifth date, he tells you that he doesn't think he'll find his soulmate anytime soon.

("The world is too big," he says, bumping shoulders as you walk side by side. "I'm too old to keep going."

"How old?" you ask. He hums, takes a preparatory sip from his drink.

"Almost forty by now, I think."

You wonder if he's forgotten that you must be more than twice his age. Instead you say, "Really? You don't look a day over twenty." He grins at that, a beautiful thing that leads to a laugh you could never tire of hearing.)

You stay with him for much longer than you need to, long after he's given one of the last pieces of his soul to you. You wait for the "right time" to leave, but the right time never comes. Time passes. Seasons change. The two of you stay together for many winters before you finally come to your senses.

It happens one morning when you wake up shivering because he's hogged the blanket (again). As you try to reclaim it, you feel the familiar heat threaten to boil over.

You barely manage to get to the bathroom before the pain begins to crash over you in full force. After it's over, you remove your hand from your mouth, refusing to look at the tooth marks left behind.

There’s no more waiting for the right time, you think over the klaxon that blares in your head. It’s here and now.

Leaving Hongjoong is a terrifying thought, and somehow even harder to follow through with. His love isn't like Jongho's, sweet and awkward; it isn't like Mingi's, a fast-paced adrenaline rush; it's different. Softer. He reminds you of home — or at least, as home as a person can get for someone like you.

And unlike with Jongho and Mingi, the thought of staying with Hongjoong is very realistic. You've caught yourself picturing it more than once, and had to chastise yourself each time.

You pack your things for the millionth time, but as you glance back at your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, you realize you can't just leave him without an explanation. The years you’ve spent together mean more to you than that.

Hongjoong wakes up hours later to a tear-stained letter. (By the time he finishes it, the ink is smudged and barely legible. His tears have mixed with yours in a sort of last kiss between them, and the thought causes him to sob once more.)

Joong,

If you’re reading this, I guess I must have already left. I wish things could be different I know you, and I already know that you’re gonna take this personally and blame yourself for not being enough. You are enough. You’re more than enough. I think I’m just selfish

Anyway I just want to thank you for...everything. The past few years have been better than I can express, and I think that’s what scares me. You’re the You’ll find your soulmate soon, whether they’re your meant to be or not. I’m sorry it couldn’t be me.

I love you.

Goodbye.

You definitely keep your guard up after that. Through every date you go on and every significant other you burn through, your walls stay up.

You've grown nostalgic over the past decade. Using the wildly advanced technology of who-knows-when, you track down a list of death sites.

You visit your family first. Your heart breaks a bit seeing the empty space in the shared family headstone. This was where you were supposed to be laid to rest. You turn away from the dilapidated cemetery, pulling up the coordinates to your next destination.

You find yourself staring at the fountain in the middle of a shopping mall. According to your holotech, this is where Jongho is buried. Your lips form a disapproving line as you close your eyes and try not to think about how he would have loved this place. You try not to think about him taking you here and nudging you in the direction of the arcade or food court as you rush out the doors.

They've gone and built a neighborhood over the cemetery where you would have found Mingi. From the looks of it, it looks like its residents are particularly affluent, and you can hear him snort in your ear. Even after years apart, you swear you can still smell the strong scent of cigarettes that followed him like a lost puppy. He would have hated his fate, and you offer a morbid chuckle in his memory.

You're crouched beside Hongjoong's tombstone, running a thumb over the warm stone. The birds chirp amongst themselves in a nearby tree, and you're thankful for the distraction. He wasn't buried with another person; you hope he managed to find someone regardless. You read the inscription — To you, forever and always — and swallow the lump of guilt that’s lodged itself in your throat.

It's on a calm spring morning that your holo rings. The centennial edition of a documentary you were in is currently being filmed, and the staff is requesting you interview with them again. You were going to accept anyway, but the producer piques your interest when she mentions another similarly...long-lived person. The trepidation in her voice is obvious, but you ignore it. Instead, you ask for the name of this immortal and to be interviewed with them. ("I thought I was the only one around," you had laughed into the phone. "It'd be good to make a new friend." The producer gave a pitying hum before agreeing.)

You try to search for any evidence of this new immortal, but come up with virtually nothing. You're more than a little disappointed that this person isn't milking their age for all it's worth, but you suppose they’re just more private than you are; after all, their existence is a relatively recent discovery.

When you first meet Seonghwa, you find it difficult to breathe. He's handsome, with a tall frame and a cute smile that would have caught your eye regardless.

Seeing him also hits you with a feeling you've dreaded for hundreds of years that makes your chest tighten. (In hindsight, you should have known exactly who he had to be, considering his similarly long life.) When you make eye contact, you can tell he feels the same immediate attraction. He has the audacity to smile.

"Finally," he murmurs. It's reverent, as if he's finally fulfilled his life's purpose. Your clench your jaw, ball your hands into fists so tight your knuckles go white, and narrow your eyes. Your heart's going a mile a minute, and you're choosing to interpret it as anger.

You've spent centuries building your fame on a foundation of nothing but broken hearts and your own ambition, and for what?

You're not sure how old you are when you find yourself on the downswing. You know that your body will start to physically age, and in about sixty years, you will have met the same fate as everyone you've left behind. The thought leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but you swallow it, at least for the time being.

The interview goes off without a hitch, and you make to leave after thanking the staff when —

"Wait!" Biting back a curse, you continue moving (and make an effort to go faster). Unfortunately, Seonghwa's more than capable of keeping up with you.

"Look," he begins, running a hand through his hair, "I don't claim to know your relationship situation, but I'd at least like it if we were friends." He focuses on the polished toe of his shoe and gives an anxious chuckle that seems to be more for himself than you. "After all, we're soulmates. You might not believe in them, but I've imagined what it would be like to finally meet my soulmate since I was young."

You don't know how (you blame the universe), but you go out for lunch with him after that. Much of the meal is spent in silence (although you've got to take the blame for this one), and it's not until you're almost done that he strikes up a conversation.

"Were you hiding?" He twists the straw of his drink between two fingers before making eye contact.

"I don't hide. You've probably seen me around in some ad or another on the holo. Maybe even before that, when people still used computers and printed newspapers." He narrows his eyes a bit, trying to remember, but comes up with nothing. "I always thought it was you that hid. I've been all over the world, but this was the first time I've ever heard news of another immortal."

"I believe in fate. I've taken things as they came because I knew that in the end, it would be you and me. Turns out I was right."

You don't know how (you're still blaming the universe), but you exchange contact information. You go on more...friendly excursions with Seonghwa.

("Why not cut out the middleman and call them dates?" he asks, settling down on the couch next to you.

"They're not dates. We're not together, are we?" You turn the movie on, marking the end of the conversation.

When you fall asleep latched onto his arm, your head on his shoulder, he plants a soft kiss on your forehead. You wake up that morning wrapped in a blanket that wasn't there last night.)

You don't know how (actually, you do), but "friendly excursions" eventually turn into dates.

(The two of you sit at a park bench, listening to rustling leaves and the distant noise of cars passing.

"Is this a date?" you ask, taking a spoonful of his ice cream, your own sitting empty on your lap.

"They're not dates," Seonghwa parrots. "We're not together, are we?"

"Let's change that. Date me?"

"I thought you'd never ask.")

Dating Seonghwa is much like being wrapped in a warm blanket. He's caring and sweet and so thoughtful that it makes your head spin. You realize that somewhere along the way, you had lost the joy and wonder that came with life. Luckily for you, each date (whether it's a shared pizza in his apartment or a hike somewhere new) restores an optimism that you didn’t know you missed.

Decades pass, and the two of you are on your daily walk. Your bodies start to show their age, but when you look in the mirror, you still see youth alight in your eyes.

("When we first met, I thought that it was all downhill from there, but I was proven wrong."

"It's been a long time since I've heard you say you were wrong."

"And each time, I tell you to not get used to it.")

When the life slips away from you both, you promise to meet each other in the next life and every one that follows.

The universe, as mysteriously as it may work, hears this request and tucks it away, ready to see it through.

[dawnowar]

Been on my January Diet for a week

I’m counting calories this time because I got so sick of WW that I just plain wasn’t doing it anymore for long enough i may as well save my $$$$. I’m eating sugar again (in limited quantities) and i couldn’t be happier. It’s not hard sticking to this at all and im just wearing my fitbit and trying to burn more calories than I eat. 

So i got a Planet Fitness membership cause its cheap in addition to my regular Jazzercise classes which i go to almost every day. The days I don’t go are usually Saturday cause theres only morning classes and I go out Friday nights and sleep through them... and Thursdays cause im in a different part of town and if i rush over, i get the worst instructor and if i go home and eat first I don’t get up. 

I’ve had gym memberships before and i mostly dont use them because if theres not a time to show up and instructor instructing me, i dont do any actual exercise, but PF is great especially for the price. You’re sure to get screwed out of a month’s money when you finally decide to cancel because you will inevitably cancel on the wrong day but thats hardly a tragedy and you can still use the memebership up until you’re really canceled.

As far as using it goes, the gym is friendly and clean and cheap and safe which is all my fave things. I signed up for a “class” which turned out to be a small group w a trainer for half an hour, but since i was the only one signed up, he gave me a personal training session for about 45 min. Said its like that at this location and if you sign up at a not-busy time you can basically get free personal training on the regular. 

Sounded good and then i woke up sore the next day! LOL and it was Thursday so instead of rushing across town to the bad Jazzercise instructor, I did an at home yoga class.. I got a groupon for $15 for a year subsciption to Yoga Collective where you can stream yoga classes and do em in your house. 

The price was right even if i only use it once, that’s about the price of a drop-in class in these here parts, but i was bummed to find out there’s no Roku channel for Yoga Collective, so i bought a chromecast for $35 so I can stream these workouts on my TV.

Even still, i have to use the Google Home app to mirror my tablet to stream it but it does it and it’s great and im sure i’m glad i bought it. I love Yoga but its really too damn expensive. The cheap yoga places memberships are $75 a month (the expensive ones are $100) and i’m already paying somewhere around $55/mo for Jazzercise. Used to have both when they were both $50 a month but going over the $100 a month mark for exercise seems like a lot to me. I may change my mind because i miss real Yoga.

But seriously, why does yoga cost that much im not really sure. 

So the Chromecast, for the record, does a great job streaming YouTube where the Roku channel is a nightmare. That alone might be worth the $35 i spent for it. 

Meanwhile I’m feeling thinner. Maybe not stronger just yet but after spending most of this Fall sick in bed with colds and sore throats and sinus infections, I not only gained 10-15 lbs but i got weak and flabby so it feels great to be back in action. I’m not quite at the fitness level i was at before, but I’m way closer to it than I was around Thanksgiving when I got sick for i think the 5th time and relented to just having to not worry about it during the Holidays and just know I’m going on a January diet. 

I really wanted to. The holidays seemed endless and I just felt fatter and flabbier as they went on and on...  so i got back on track pretty easily.

I’m weighing myself once a week on Mondays. Any more than that makes me a little crazy. Spent, i dont know.. decades.. trying to figure out how to not let the number on that scale decide how i felt about myself. 

I’m there which is great. I have a long and terrible relationship with my scale and I’ve found that I basically can’t weigh myself because i get obsessed with what number it gives me. Also i swear that number is +/- 4lbs at any given time..and because I’m talking about having 15 lbs to lose....that can really send me into some bad place quickly if i get a high number when I step on.

anyway its taken me DECADES to ignore the scale. and just do the thing where i watch what i eat and exercise. But ive also found that i have to weigh myself sometimes or I have no real confirmation if what im doing it doing any real good or not. Even weekly weigh ins seem counter-productive sometimes when I know what ive done and the number isnt gonna be good. Sometimes I gain when I do everything right. Which is the madding part. They’re good about not being judgy at WW but I hate that they still make you weigh in and they still put the focus on the scale even though they act like they aren’t doing that.. but you don’t make lifetime for creating healthy habits, you earn it by keeping your weight under a certain number and keeping it there. 

If you fall off, then basically they start charging you again. Which is reasonable. They don’t kick you out or shame you or anything but this program is about numbers, make no mistake. 

Anyway i learned a lot in my on/off WW time about how to just not diet in secret and not be ashamed of it cause literally everybody has struggles with their weight and if they don’t, they’re the weird one, not you. And getting on the scale isn’t terrible at all if you don’t let the number you see rule you. Because whatever it says you’re gonna keep eating right and exercising, and if you don’t you’ll start again tomorrow. and if you keep doing that you’ll get where you want to be eventually. 

I’m loving the exercise. Now that I’m active i want to do even more stuff but my body isn’t cooperating just yet. It wants to rest. I know i need to rest but my brain is so ready to do this. 

My knees also didn’t get the memo but theyre holding up well. Years of exercising w arthritic knees and ive figured out what not to do the hard way mostly already and im so much stronger than i ever was, but i still have problems sometimes and im trying to be careful.

My heel is swollen. It does that sometimes and i have to stay off it, but im not going to. This is an old injury that never healed right from about 5 1/2 yrs ago so it probably will never be any better than it is now. Its Yoga funny enough that messes it up worst for all the weight bearing one-legged moves. But i’ve got Tuli’s heel cups or heel cushions of some variety in all my shoes and yoga jellies and extra padding for my already-thick mat and its getting better while I’m still exercising so i’m not stopping, but i did ride a bike at PF the other day instead of doing weight-bearing cardio. 

I’m just trying to do something every day, and burn a certain amount of calories per day and eat less calories than that. Should work out. 

[zettaiunmeis]

Zari talks to Sara about her feelings for Charlie and what she should do about it and Sara gives her advice and the fic has Zari acting on Sara’s advice

asdfghjkl this was supposed to be a story, but I can’t brain enough to make words go right now so have some headcanons instead:

also, this turned out really long, so everything is below the cut:

- after the witch hunt episode, whenever either sara or zari felt like they needed someone to talk to or had some stuff that they need to get off their chests, they met up in the parlor

- so at one point after dancing queen, zari just marches into the parlor and Sara knows exactly what she wants to talk about: amaya

- and at first, zari is just ranting about how much of an asshole the new shapeshifter is because of course she was on watch duty first

- (she doesn’t call her charlie because then the shape became someone that they were keeping prisoner, the same way argus kept her and behrad and her parents prisoner)

- it takes zari half an hour of pacing and ranting and anger to get everything out and then she just flops onto a chair, spent

- sara takes the chance to talk about her own feelings about the situation, because she may not have been in love with amaya the way zari was, but she had still been her closest confidant on the ship

- she’s just as upset about charlie being trapped as amaya, but she talks about it slower and quieter, opening her feelings boxes and taking her thoughts out one by one

- after she’s done, they sit in silence for a bit and sara doesn’t really have anything left to say and she thinks that zari doesn’t either

- but zari says something else, something that sara really doesn’t expect after all the time zari spent denying her feelings

- zari says, “i was in love with her.” and its quiet and sad and a little bitter

- and sara doesn’t know how to answer that, other than reaching out and squeezing her shoulder

- the next time, sara finds zari binging a box of donuts and typing away at her laptop after the tagumo incident

- she tries to grab one, but zari hisses at her like a cat, and thats how sara knew that there was something on her mind

- so instead, she finds some of the whiskey she’d hidden away from both charlie and constantine and pours herself a glass

- and she doesn’t talk about anything, just leaning against the table in the center of the room and looking out

- zari knows exactly what shes doing and she doesn’t want to give sara the satisfaction of talking, but she also hates the quiet more than anything

- so when she finally cracks and tells sara to get on with it, sara makes sure to hide the smirk on her face

- and the first thing she mentions is that she’d talked to charlie earlier, and that she really wasn’t so bad

- and zari just scowls and shoves another donut in her mouth

- sara ignores her and just keeps talking, saying stuff that she knew would get zari started

- it takes sara mentioning the similarities between charlie and amaya

- and zari gets really mad

- she says that charlie is nothing like amaya, that the shapeshifter was annoying and vulgar and constantly drinking and refusing to cooperate and

- and beautiful and playful and a bunch of other things that zari hated talking about

- and sara, despite everything, despite the heated glances she had seen pass between the two, is surprised

- but charlie was a part of her crew now, whether she liked it or not, and sara had to make sure that zari wasn’t going to end up hurting her, so she asks a question that zari is utterly unprepared for

- “do you like her because she looks like amaya?”

- and zari’s first instinct is to deny it, to try and deny any similarity between charlie and amaya, but before she can actually say anthing, she starts thinking

- when she’s finally done thinking, the thing she tells sara is “i don’t know” because she really doesn’t

- the third time they talk is after the mess with constantine and charlie and all the alternate timelines, when zari marches right into the parlor, expecting only sara to be there, but sara’s telling ava what constantine presumably told her

- and they seem like they’re in a serious discussion, so zari just starts to apologize and back away to the safety of her either her room or the food fabricator

- but they both invite her back in, and ava asks her for her side of the story and she explains some parts better than others

- (she doesn’t remember much from when she was a cat, but unfortunately has a very clear memory of being a puppet)

- (its unfortunate. she had the feeling that being a cat was much better than being an off-brand muppet)

- but soon, the mission talk dies down and sara inevitably asks if zari’s okay and zari just sighs in the tired way that’d become a habit since being put with the B-team

- ava tries to leave but zari mentions that she could use an extra ear about her predicament and also ava still wants to make a good impression on sara’s closest friend so she stays

- and sara, knowing exactly what this is about, suggests that they go to her room to talk (primarily so that charlie won’t have the opportunity to walk in on them)

- so they go there, stopping at the dining room for zari to get a large bag of chips

- they sit down and ava has no idea whats going on or if it would be appropriate for her to talk, so she just looks at sara and zari while they sit in silence

- finally, sara speaks up, and she asks again if zari’s okay

- and instead of sighing, zari groans, massaging her forehead irritatedly and it speaks louder than any “no” zari could have said

- then sara asks her if its because of charlie and ava is completely lost

- and zari is silent for a long moment, stubbornly refusing to say anything, shoving chips into her mouth instead

- by the time zari answers, with a whispered “yes”, she’s halfway through the bag of chips

- and sara asks if she’s thought about her question from before and zari nods silently as if saying it out loud would set it in stone

- so sara prods her verbally until zari finally groans and mumbles out an answer

- and that answer is, “its not because of amaya”

- “i like fucking charlie”

- (ava is just standing there, shocked, because what the fuck????? charlie and zari???? zari’s into women????? i need my gaydar replaced???)

- and sara asks if thats a problem

- and zari’s answer is a huge fuck yes it is

- because she’s never had enough time for a relationship before???? she’s never been in one????

- (the closest thing was sleeping with helen of troy in the jumpship before dropping her off at Themyscira)

- that’s not even accounting for the possibility that charlie doesn’t like her like that???? (*laughs out loud while writing that*)

- and sara is like “im sorry have you not noticed all the eye sex you’ve been having”

- and after having thought about it and mentally reviewing everytime she had been in the same room as them, ava adds “and also shes always looking at you? even when you’re not looking at her? or even doing anything?”

- zari retorts with a “you’ve seen us around each other like, twice”

- “and i still noticed?”

- sara says, “see?”

- and zari’s like, “that’s still not the point? I still have no experience with relationships and also the ship is cursed?”

- “the ship is not cursed”

- “name one couple where both people lived on the ship and it didn’t end in tragedy?”

- and everything is silent for a while, becase there is literally no waverider crewmember x waverider crewmember ship that’s ever worked

- so, zari continues, “what’s the point in trying if im doomed anyway?”

- and sara takes a moment to think about it, and finally, she looks zari in the eye, and says, “sometimes, love is worth the risk.”

- and zari groans because a) its so cheesy and b) if she disagrees, she’s gonna sound like a hypocrite

- so, she says “fine” and then sara and ava help her figure out a way to ask charlie out

- (sara suggests ghengis khan. ava suggests talking to her. zari tells them both that they’re idiots, but tries ava’s idea anyway)

- (it works. very, very well.)

(looking back, i might actually write this out as a story at some point)

[therealnotta]

dude i had such a messed up dream 

ok so me and my family are going to visit this guy, but just as we’re about to leave we get a call  dude killed his family and then cut them up and the police are still finding the pieces  a small part of me is realizing this is a nightmare, but like, what am i gonna do about that 

so my mom looks at us and goes “oh he’s going through such a hard time right now :c we should go over and visit him”  i think this is stupid, but we go there anyway  by the time we get there it’s just me and my mom, bc dream, and we show up just as the police open the fridge and a finger falls out  the guy, apparently a family friend, is just chilling nearby and shrugs, like this is normal and hey, there’s gonna be a mess, this is a lived-in home  my mom’s trying to comfort him, im confused 

time travel 

now im in the house with a good friend, who i do not recognize, and it’s before the tragedy  we’re in the attic, it looks like one of dexter’s rooms but with like  a BBQ pit wrapped in plastic instead of a table  i realize what’s happening and tell my friend, who mumbles something about needing to go get the priest  this is MY dream, so i know that the priest is Bad News, but i let her go anyway. 

instantly, the priest is there. he’s actually a minister, but i digress. he looks at the room, looks at me, and goes, “oh, this is such a shame :/” 

its a cannibalism ring 

i sigh, sitting there, bored with the dream, waiting as the dude impales me 

minister looks at me  friend, aka minister’s wife, looks at me  i look down at me  im just  fine? like it feels weird but im not dead 

im suddenly sitting in front of a mirror. there’s this weird harpoon thing in my chest and a couple spikes in my head. minister looks at me and goes, “ok. ok, this time I’ll go through the brain stem. you cant survive that. no one can.” i just kinda shrug and accept my fate as he drives another stake into my head. nothing happens 

“oh. it’s my tech,” i realize. im a cyborg now. “it’s keeping me alive.” 

this confuses them. 

suddenly it’s later. a VERY nice looking lady bursts in with a bone saw in each hand. looks at me and goes, “oh, these people giving you trouble?” im a robot now, and i am d a m a g e d. 

“yes” i say, watching as like, six kids follow her in. they don’t do anything. they just sorta look around as this lady kicks the snot out of the minister and his wife. 

whoa. snakes. they were in the minister and his wife and the reason for the cannibalism ring and they are GROSS. one of the kids expertly scoops up a snake into a 2-litre bottle, which another kid has taped a paper to. the paper says “mean snaek” with a child’s drawing of a snake under it. the snake doesn’t like this and starts ZOOMING around the bottle. it cannot escape. 

the lady holds the other snake and hands me a bottle. im still a robot, but ive been repaired and am also in training. i take the bottle. the snake is going to get free. i start to panic. i accidentally decapitate the snake. these snakes are special, and probably not snakes, as this only makes it a shorter snake. the lady looks at it. looks at me. “well, it wouldn’t be so bad if i just... let it happen, would it?” i panic. i try to stop her. too late. she lets the snake take over her mind. 

i run, warning the kids, who all take off, save for two. they’re sitting nearby, totally unconcerned. “what are you doing?! they got her! you have to go!” 

“im here to chronicle our journey,” one kid says. i am angry about this. “who’s to say nothing will happen here after I run off? i can’t take that risk.” 

the kid next to him says nothing, but i know that he won’t leave. 

i try to drag them along, carry them away, but they resist. the first kid has a notebook. i am a robot who was hastily repaired. i can’t save him. i know this. i try anyway. 

and then i woke up and saw my phone as my alarm went off and immediately thought, “huh, big chungus time” and went back to sleep, leading to me being 15 minutes late to class so like, not a great start to the day imho

[coloremoving]

LBC Episode 9 Review leggo~

Hmmm where should I start? It's currently 3+am in my country, I need to sleep 😴 but.. There's so much going on in Episode 9, I really want to talk about it so here goes.

I watched Episode 9 live then I quickly watch the Line TV version and to my surprise, the episode was already subbed?! 😱 Seriously, a huge thank you to JayBL for taking her time to sub for us hungry inter fans.

Now on to the first part - LOL Can again is being a whiny kid but how he kept rubbing his lips off cause of the kiss with Tin is seriously cute. And then you have Tin that snickered and said that Can finally shut up. Bro, you gonna need to keep doing that cause Can for sure ain't gonna shut up even if you guys are together. But that scene of Tin and Pete in their classroom.. I seriously want to slap Tin ugh. I salute Pete for defending Ae cause Tin needs to get through his head that not all people are bad, especially our Ae (and maybe Can). Now I really want to know what happened to Tin that got him like this. Oh, Pete being pissed at Tin was such a great scene to see. We rarely see Pete in such feeling, it's so satisfying to see so lol. But am I the only one that notice the slight change of Tin's face when he saw how pissed Pete is? Anyone? No? Nevermind. Anyway, Pond being nosy again and asked Pete whether they have sex or not and then you have Ping smacking his head. Man, I kept replaying that scene. Pond deserved that 😂 And then Chompoo came! I was wondering where did she go lol (I know some people, or is it majority? Don't like her but I heard she's a good person so I don't really mind her) And we have Pond being mischievous by saying that he wants to help Pete and make sure he gets Ae before Chompoo does lol. Then we have Pete meeting Ae but out of the sudden, Tin appeared?? I felt it was random. But it's a good thing cause Pond get to be mischievous again and try to make Ae jealous lol. You see that smirk Pond have? I LOVE IT.

Now move on to Part 2 - I'm not sure whether is it true that Pond is organising a porn party or he's just trying to force Ae to sleep at Pete's apartment so that they can do 'it'. If it's the latter, gotta salute Pond for being the captain of AePete haha. And we saw how he slipped in the condoms into Ae's bag and then start messaging. To those who've read the novel spoiler, he's actually messaging Pete to let him know that Ae is coming. I seriously love Pond here haha. And we finally get to see our cutie Good again! I seriously miss him. Our P'No being clueless of Can (again) lol but really, Can need to stop being 'annoying' if he tone down, I would have really like him. (Sorry not sorry) Ae finally came to Pete's apartment and being a sweet boyfriend, bought lots of food for both of them. Notice how their height difference aren't that big during that scene? 😂 Pond's plan worked cause you have Ae asking Pete if he really see Tin as his friend only. "He's a friend. I only have a feeling for you. Otherwise, I wouldn't.." Yeah, Pete. What do you mean 'you wouldn't'? 😏 But did you guys saw that Ae still have not taken off his sneakers? My asian ass is feeling irked about it lol and Pete isn't wearing any shoes (and talking about this, in Episode 8 when they checked out the apartment, they're walking with their shoes on and I'm like NO) Ooo Pete being a cutie after his shower and he updated his status in facebook after looking at Ae fondly sighhhh 😍. I was wondering why in facebook his name is Peach then I remember they have other names beside their nickname lol. Wait, it seems we have a slight uncut version in this part two? Cause I remember for sure there was no scene of Ae saying that he's hard live 😏 But what have you done, Ae? You stood up Pete again and then you see Pete being pouty. Sooo cute! 😚

FINALLY, THE LONG AWAITED SCENE IS HERE! Ae asking Pete if he's mad at him. Well, obviously duh. I really like how Pete was whiny about it and express that he too wants to have sex with Ae but Ae always stood him up lol. "I even cleaned it for you." "Because if it's you, I don't mind the pain." Fuck Pete, please stop being so cute (and being a 'salad' lol) ughh. NO WONDER THE CUT SCENE FOR PART THREE WAS SO WEIRD AND FUNNY. LIKE, I JUST NEED TO BLINK A FEW TIMES AND THE SCENE IS DONE SO IM LIKE??? BUT FCK, THE UNCUT SCENE WAS SO HOT. IT WAS SO UNEXPECTED FOR ME. I do wish they showed how Pete was undressed bUT THAT'S OKAY. THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON. I WASN'T EXPECTING A LOT OF KISSING?? I MEAN I'M EXPECTING SEXY TIME LIKE LOTS OF GROPING ETC SO YEAH, EXCUSE MY DIRTY MIND. AND DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NOISE THEY MADE WHEN THEY KISSED??? ASDFGHJKL 😍 AND THEN WHEN AE STOP KISSING PETE AND LOOKED AT HIM, PETE JUST CHASE AE TO KISS HIM AGAIN I'M- /DEAD. AND THEN AE. FREAKING. KISS. PETE'S. CHEST ?!?! AHHHHHHH !!!! AND THEY KISSED AGAIN IM GOING CRAZY I CAN'T STOP PAUSING AND REWATCHING IT AND THEN SQUEAL ABOUT IT AND THEN KEEP REPEATING THE CYCLE ASDFGHJKL 😍😍😍 BUT I NEED TO SAID THIS. WRONG CHOICE OF SONGS TO USE DURING THE SCENE?? LIKE, I FELT IT DOESN'T MATCH THE MOOD IN MY OPINION. Anyway, of course we can't forget the sweet scene after that. How Ae kissed Pete's cheek twice, Pete still feeling shy and Ae spooned Pete while they sleep sighh can I have a relationship as sweet as them? But seriously tho. You can't just gave us a hot and sweet scene and then slap us with a sad TumTar scene. I honestly ended up not interested in them cause I'm still going crazy about AePete (no offense) But poor Tar. Even years after that tragedy, he's still pretty scarred.

Finally it's the last part of Episode 9!

"He helps you to eat shrimp, so you have to do all the assignments for him this semester." "Anyhow, what kind of shrimps you are having? Why is it so expensive?" HAHAHAHHA PING PLEASE. EVEN IF AE DIDN'T EXPLAIN, HE KIND OF GETS IT LOL. CAN IS STILL NOT OVER THE KISS HAHAHAHAHAH POOR CAN And then Good suddenly can speak slightly faster than his usual slow way of speaking? LOL But fck, I guess he's thinking too much about the kiss scene that when he got hit on his head by a ball, he got a nosebleed lol And now everybody teased him about it 😂 Can must be so interested in Tin that he pulled Pete along with him just to ask whether Tin is gay or not lol and then he got tongue-tied explaining why he asked such questions lol. Anyway, THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT EPISODE. THE BATHTUB SCENE. AHHH!!! IT WAS NOT INCLUDED WHEN I WATCH IT LIVE SO THAT MEANS.. 😏😏😏 Now, another week of waiting for the next episode. AHHHH IM GOING CRAZY. I WANT TO REWATCH BUT IT'S TIME TO SLEEP SO GOODBYE 😘

[last-flight-of-fancy]

fatedeniedhope replied to your post “* sees people confused over various kh plot points * * is not people i...”

I would like yo know a bit. Only play kh 1 and chain of memories and half way to kh 2

oh boy there is a *lot* to cover here then!

I don’t mean that to sound intimidating, kh just has a tendency for long, sprawling interconnected plots (many of which are still unresolved even now)

i am also doing this entirely by memory, so if i’ve skimmed something i shouldn’t have its because my brain has stopped registering it as important; feel free to ask for clarification, i wrote this in one sitting because i was avoiding doing laundry XD

putting a cut because i am overviewing a Lot of game here and tbh there’s still a lot of stuff i am skimming or skipping entirely. I’m just trying to hit the highlights.

i don’t know where you stopped in 2, so i’m just gonna give a brief overview

-there is a boy named roxas

-he’s being hunted by these strangers called nobody’s

-things get weird

-turns out he’s sora’s nobody, as nobody’s are created when a person is turned into a heartless (which sora did during kh1)

-roxas returns to sora (”looks like my summer vacation is.. over...” whoops there goes my heart) and normal sora gameplay resumes.

-DIDNEY WORLDS

-turns out everyone forgot sora for a year bc of what happened in chain of memories (and also 358/2. dont worry about that yet we’ll get there). kairi sends out a bottle to “the boy she can’t remember” trying to call him home. (yes this is important)

-organization 13 (all what? eight of them left?) pops up, xemnas is cryptic, and they say their goal is to recreate kingdom hearts via sora killing heartless, since apparently only killing heartless with a keyblade sends the trapped hearts to Kingdom Hearts

      -this version of the tale persists through 358 as well. it’s.. half right.

-bla bla bla, shenanigans. there’s ansem (the boss from kh1) and a guy named diz. That isn’t who either of them actually are. It’s actually Riku (who tapped too far into the darkness trying to capture roxas for the whole twilight town scenario at the beginning of the game, thus altering his appearance to look like the guy who posessed him for a bit) and THE ACTUAL ANSEM (ie, the ruler(?) of radient garden before it fell, and the guy heartless ansem stole his name from.

-anyways

-sora goes off searching for riku, bc as far as he knows, he’s still lost out in the darkness.

-he’s not, he’s fine, but he’s super embarrassed about the whole ‘looking like the enemy’ thing and won’t let sora find him.

-sora casually murders most of the remaining organization members (only most of whom shot first)

-this continues on until axel attempts to kidnap kairi, who ends up in twilight town for a bit hanging out with the hayner/pence/ollete trio, before being slightly more successfully kidnapped a second time.

-and then she gets kidnapped again by saix. Axel apologises to sora over this. in his defence, he’s pretty desperate at this point (he just wants his friend(s) back)

-sora storms The World That Never Was, kairi is rescued by Namine.

-the trio finally meets up (namine disapeared at some point? yknow, i actually dont recall what happened to her in between these scenes), sora and kairi share a slightly awkward but sweet hug, and after a moments trepidation over ‘Ansem’, kairi tells/shows him its riku, at which point sora bursts into tears.

-i ship a lot of ot3′s, but sorikai is the OG ot3

-anyways

-namine and roxas have a very symbolic moment refusing with their Other’s, Namine opens a portal back to destiny islands so they can go home.

-everyone except sora and riku make it through, and thus commences several final fantasy style boss fights

-they win, of course, riku’s injured in the line of battle, and they limp out, having traversed several realms during the course of this battle, they’re now trapped on a beach in the realm of darkness. it’s the same beach everyone else seems to end up on in this place. There is only one beach in the RoD apparently

-they stay there a while, and then they pick up a message in a bottle; it’s from kairi, “to the boy she can’t remember”

-Feelings make a door to the light open, and sora and riku fall like actual comets from the sky and everybody’s reunited and happy. huzzah!

-.... well for a while anyways.

-should i get into the whole xemnas/xehanort/ansem thing here?

-eh

-okay so

-lets swing back into Birth By Sleep for a bit

-(im sorry if kh can’t hit any of its plot points in order i think its fair neither do i)

-BBS takes place roughly nine years prior to kh1, with the exception of bbs’s prologue, which i would estimate as being an additional four years prior to that

-during said prologue, we meet Master Xehanort, an incredibly old dude with brown skin, gold eyes, and a white beard. even newcomers to the series will probably recognise that only one type of person gets those colours in these games.

-we also meet baby Ventus, Xehanorts apprentice. He looks exactly like Roxas.

-shenanigans happen, Xehanort splits Ven’s heart in two, creating Vanitas, who is Ventus’s darkness.

-Vanitas’ whole shtick is he wants to be reunited with Ventus, ostensibly to create the X-blade (yes it’s pronounced exactly the same as ‘keyblade’ and yes, every single kh fan ive ever talked to has found this annoying af)

-unfortunately being split in two like that puts ven in a coma, and xehanort takes the unresponiseve body to destiny islands to dump it like unwanted ravioli

-luckily for ven, “a brand new hear” hears his hurt and reaches out to help, filling out the gaps left in his and allowing him to start recovering

-the heart is sora

-actual, literal baby sora reaching out to help people before he can even walk yet. 

-the game never spells this out explicitly, which makes it an easy plot point to miss if you aren’t paying attention

-ven doesn’t recover immidietly though, and xehanort sends him to live with his old friend Master Eraqus and his two teenage apprentices, Aqua and Terra

-here’s where we time skip, ventus is fully recovered, terra and aqua are young adults and about to take their Mark Of Mastery exams for becoming keyblade masters.

-Terra fails because he has darkness in his heart and also xehanort rigged it against him

-aqua passes and becomes a master. I love her very much.

-terra journey’s out to try and figure out where the darkness comes from

-vanitas taunts ven saying terra’s leaving him bc ven’s stupid or something and ven panics and chases after him (he’s like 14 and has a bit of a hero worship thing, stupid decisions are par for the course)

-eraqus sends aqua out to both spy on terra (he words it nicer but thats the gist of it), which aqua doesn’t particularly like but trusts her masters judgement and does it, and bring ventus home, which she is more on board with

-the biggest tragedy in bbs is that no one talks to each other

-stuff happens, they learn some stuff, aqua’s route has So Many Lesbian Feels with every single princess she runs into it brings me great delight

-Ventus learns the whole ‘fight your darkness to become the X-blade’ plot, eraqus learns this too and tries to kill ven. Terra busts in at the last moment and saves ven, at this point using his dark powers fully.

-#terrawasright

-eraqus dies, which i don’t think terra fully intended to do (he just wanted to save ven) and if you recall the scene in kh1 where kairi catches a falling sora only for him to burst into a bunch of floating glitter? imagine that but with two grown men

-aqua’s just trying to figure out whats going on. she gets to meet kairi (saves her from some heartless and then puts a charm on her necklace to keep her safe) and then meets Mickey, who will be our future duex ex machina

-they all meet for the final battle.

-ven asks his friends to murder him

-no one does that

-what the fuck ven

-they fight, and a lot of stuff sorta happens at the same time

-1: terra fights xehanort, who has essentially been spending the whole game prepping terra to be his next host. xehanort is a body snatcher confirmed. xehanort wins, terra becomes the fanon-named terranort.

-2: ventus fights vanitas. vanitas reveals his face, and he looks exactly like a colour swapped version of sora. (also voiced by the same voice actor! it’s actually surprsingly difficult to notice this if you don’t have some kind of clue already because haley joel osment does and *amazing* job). ventus wins, the X-blade is not forged, but as a lot of this battle takes place in his heart, the effects are bad and ven falls into a coma (he reaches out once more, and another hearts answers. “you can stay here a while, I don’t mind” says the other heart. yes its fucking sora again. too good, too pure)

-3: aqua gets knocked out to start with, but then she fights vanitas controlling ventus’ body, which eventually gets sorted out. terra’s dissapeared at this point, and she takes a comatose ven and hides him in the land of departure, which she uses a secret mechanism to turn into Castle Oblivion (and thus, impossible to navigate  without her key)

-aqua goes to hunt down terra(nort), and finds him in radiant garden. they fight, aqua wins, but when he begins to sink into the darkness she sacrifices herself to save him (which is how he ends up as one of ansem’s apprentices and mostly without any memories)

-aqua will spend the next ten years in the realm of darkness

-bbs is such a goddam tragedy

-OKAY

-time to fast forward

-so sora and ven are connected, which is why vanitas and roxas look the way they do, which brings us to

-the case of xion

-and 358/2

-the worst game to play but my absolute favourite in terms of slow-burn pacing and emotionally investing you in the characters

-this game pretty much just deals with the year sora spent asleep, and the kids time in the organization.

-roxas wakes up with no memories, is inducted into the org, and told “kill heartless with your keyblade”. He’s more or less a zombie at first, and accepts this without question.

-a week later, a new member is introduced, named Xion, who also has a keyblade, and is also a zombie with no memories at first

-Axel, the org’s assassin, is basically told to babysit them both

-he’s not really into it at first, but those natural Big Brother instincts kick in Hard about five minutes later and from that point on he’s mostly just trying to keep them both alive.

-oh, also Lea, Axel’s somebody, met Ventus in bbs, so that was probably a little weird for him.

-as the game goes on and these kids essentially learn how to human and try to figure out what makes them different, the Big Plots stew in the background. Axel and Saix have some kind of plan that Axel apparently isn’t sticking to, and Axel questions his loyalties more as the game goes on and circumstances force him to choose between two kids Who Did Nothing Wrong, and his oldest friend.

-Xion learns they are a replica, a la Repliku, created as a backup to roxas if he could not fulfil his duty in creating kingdom hearts. their connection with roxas, and through him sora, has the unintended side effect of flitering memories and feelings into and through Xion.

-this is why putting sora back together takes so long

-Xion, between the pressure of being an org member in general, and the mental load from being caught between three+ people in a very literal sense, has a breakdown. Riku finds them, and despite a pretty rocky start between them, helps them through it.

-Xion leaves at two different points, the first time, Axel brings them back. “please don’t hold back, Axel. Promise.” “Everyone always thinks they’re right”

-excuse me i have to lay down again after thinking about how emotionally wrought this scene is.

-(the alternative is he has to kill them. he does everything he can to avoid that, but it’s clearly approaching an unsustainable situation; the org is running out of patience for dealing with the ‘clearly defective replica’, xion doesnt feel this situation is right, and axel just wants to keep everyone alive.

-yes typing ‘clearly defective replica’ physically hurt me. xion is a perfect bab and xemnas can fite me

-Xion leaves again

-Roxas, learning pieces of this but not all, runs away from the org. cue titular “no one would me” “that’s not true!” scene from 2

-(this leads to what is a hilariously depressing scene of roxas on the clocktower looking at his life and going “where could i even run to? I havent got anywhere to go” because he’s never known anything other than the organization and whoops i made myself sad again)

-namine explains to xion that sora can never wake up so long as they have his memories. The only way for them to release the memories is to die. It’s a hard decision.

-Xion meets roxas on the clocktower, feigns insanity, and goads him into fighting them (”do you see my face, roxas? is it a boys face? don’t you see. I have to make you a part of me too.”)

-cue more ff style boss fights

-xion dies

-look i can’t go into detail on this one i’ll start crying again, xion dies, everyone forgets they ever existed, and roxas gets to watch them shatter into dust in his arms.

-in the brief period where the memories are quickly vanishing but Not Quite Gone Yet roxas goes into a Roaring Rampage of Revenge and storms the World That Never Was

-this is where Riku catches up to him, and from there its a pretty straight shot into the beginning of kh2

-which im sure if you played these in chronological order would be *some kind of mood whiplash* i bet

-okay what have i missed

-recoded happened. the only important part here is that malificent and pete find out about the black box and malificent being malificent of course she Has To Have It

-”but whats the black box??” you ask

-good question

-we still dont know

-its  origin point is in KHUx though, 

-which is the multiplayer mobile game set during the Keyblade War of ages past. each weilder also has a companion dream eater named chirithy

-there are five unions, each headed by a leader and represented by an animal (unicorn, bear, snake, fox, and leopard)

-#anguisforlife

-these five (plus one more, named luxu) are each given roles by their master (the Master of Masters, or also known as MoM). He also tells them there is a traitor amongst the warriors of light. it’s unclear at this point how much of this he is directly steering. He also doesnt specifiy Which warriors of light, probably on purpose so everything happens as it should.

-so figure, trying to figure out who the traitor is is a pretty direct cause to no one trusting each other and eventually going for each others throats

-there is a page from the book of prophecies he gives only to luxu, who he tells that his role is to see the future with this Special Keyblade (and specifically the Eye in it). You might recognise it as xehanorts keyblade (and then you’ll start to see the Eye in a whole bunch of other ones too, notably in soul edge, way to dawn, and void gear)

-luxu fucks off, and everyone else goes about their business

-the first half of khux details how these unions came to  be rivals, and then how they fell into war with each other and destroyed the light. the second half detailed how Ava, leader of the fox union, created a fifth group known as the dandelions, specifically picked to survive the fall of the light and rebuild.

-ventus and lauriam are two of these leaders. No, we still don’t know how they got from one point to the other.

-one of the replacement leaders, strelitzia, got murdered and replaced by someone else. i think this plot point has been resolved in japan but i havent checked yet

-strelitzia is lauriam’s sister. she also knows elrena.

-and if you’re bad at anagraming like i am, lauriam=marluxua, and elrena=larxene

-so yeah figure that one out for me

-also i love strelitzia she has like two scenes total and i was already ludicrously attached help

-(Yes i screamed very hard during that One Scene in 3. we dont even see her face but it’s heerrrrrrrr)

-anyways

-right the black box

-luxu is seen carrying it off in the Back Cover movie as he wanders into exile. we still dont know whats in it. and that’s basically that.

-which leaves just Dream Drop Distance

-sora and riku take a Highly Modified mark of master exam under yen sid.

-things go wrong almost immidietly

-sora gets trapped by the xehanorts in a deep sleep, where they plan to use him as one of their 13 vessels of darkness

-there has to be 13 for some reason

-13 darknesses, and 7 lights, and when they clash it’ll make the X-blade

-because reasons

-it’s fate or something

-riku rescues him

-there is time travel involved now

-because at this point the 13 darkness now include; heartless ansem, master xehanort, xemnas, young xehanort, xigbar, and saix.

-more time travel will be involved later, but to keep this in mind the rules of time travel here are

     -you cannot take your body with you

     -you lose any future knowledge you gain if and when you return

-things are obviously wibbly here because it’s half in the dreamscape, but just. keep those rules in mind when you play 3.

....... im sure im missing a bunch but i just spent two hours writing the most casual pre-kh3 synopsis ever i hope you can forgive me XD

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 3

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Last Chapter

Notes (I guess): This chapter was a nightmare to write but I’m just so happy I finished it. It also touches some subjects that will come up again in the future, for the sake of letting everyone process the events. I’ve experienced grief and it’s going to take a long time before this particular subject could be discussed again. See yourselves warned.

Again, credit to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for screaming at me to write this, and to @whatwashernameagain for Keep Him Safe, and also a tiny tiny lil bit to @anony-phangirl and @asleepybisexual for their general support and for being such great sports about me annoying them with my ideas… (oops).

(I’m trying to find a way to write my notes, so bear with me until I find a way that will stick. This will do for now.)

(KHS) Tag List (sort of): @em-be-lievable, @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2, @adoratato, @supremestoverlord, @royallyanxious, @madly-handsome, @hanramz-the-fander, @the-incedible-sulk, @poisonedapples, @virge-of-a-breakdown, @winglessnymph, @princeanxious, @smokeyrutilequartz, @im-bad-at-life (if any of you could tag the rest, please do! I’m improving my memory from day to day, but… yeah…)

Tag list: @bunny222, @ab-artist, @secretlyanxiouspersona, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes discussion of two rather tragic (in my opinion) real-life events, and very few mentions of food.

—————

"Today, we're going to do things a bit differently."

Saturday, October 12th, 2002

"Raise your hand if the idea of coming out, even if you're already out, terrifies the living hell out of you."

Almost all hands flew up.

"Raise your hand if you understand the dangers of staying closeted too."

Pretty much everyone took their hands down. Only very few stayed.

"Last week," India said after a long breath, "we lost… the community lost one of our own. We… we lost someone to hate crime." She lowered her hand. Remy was almost in pain, seeing her try to talk about it. She called him last night, asking him if it's not going to be too much for him (and if so, she has another thing planned). "Gwen Araujo was seventeen when she died because she was outed as transgender in a party."

"Wasn't this released, like, two days ago?"

"Yes, and that's why I want to talk to you about this. Just… excuse me. I wrote it all down… it’s kind of a tough subject..."

It took India a minute to settle her voice, and another couple seconds to fumble with some papers. "I'll bet you all remember where you were when the World Trade Center fell in September eleventh last year." The room fell into silence. "I'll also bet none of you remember where you were on new year's eve in 1993."

Remy knew exactly where this was going.

"It could be because you were nine years old, which is the case for some of us, or you were already in bed by ten. I know my parents insisted that I'd go to bed by ten that night for a couple reasons. But on December thirty-first, 1993, we lost another member of the community. His story was turned into an Oscar-winning movie, but l can assure you none of you remember where you were when Brandon Teena was murdered for being born a girl."

The chatter was back. Remy could isolate some of the comments. Not most, just some. And it hurt. The ones he managed to isolate were not good, but one was much louder than the other.

"Can you really compare the murder of thousands to the death of just one person?"

"No I can't. But what you fail to realize here is that I'm not comparing anything here. I'm just trying to bring up a subject—"

"And you're using the tragedy of others to—"

"I lost family in September eleventh. I'm well aware of the tragedy. I'm also aware of the fact that transgender people are killed at ridiculous rates and this is something we should discuss!"

The silence after that was incredibly unbearable. India was close to tears, and Remy… as much as he wanted to go hug her, he couldn't.

It was that painful.

"Today's topic was supposed to be discrimination and hate," Remy heard someone shouting into the air - one of the juniors probably. "We do this conversation every year. Please listen to what the poor girl has to say. She's only volunteering to do this, on top of—"

"That's okay, Chris. I don't need an advocate."

It was going to be a long meeting, and Remy was not looking forward to it.

—

"I'm sorry I didn't speak today."

"You did alright. Sometimes doing nothing is a good thing."

India was incredibly frustrated when they finally got to Kirkland House. Remy insisted on going with her, to make sure that nothing else happened. She called him a gentleman for doing that.

It was sweet of her.

She ranted a bit about a guy who lived on the same floor as her (Jared Kushner or something) who was a dick to her and tried flirting with her girlfriend all the time, she told him that she applied to get a master's degree in forensics at Georgetown after graduation, and then they reached Kirkland House.

"You can get back to Harvard Yard from here, right?"

"Of course. Who do you think I am?"

India kissed his cheek and waved goodbye, and went into Kirkland House. And then Remy was alone. Well, not entirely, he still had to go back to Weld Hall and call his dad, but…

He was alone.

The yard wasn't as crowded as it was earlier and the weather was cooling down considerably, the leaves were changing… Harvard Yard was a beautiful place in the fall, Remy learned quickly enough.

He had very little time to process his thoughts when he was almost tackled to the ground by a tiny blonde kid almost running in the direction of the exit. Aka, the main road.

"How is it that when we're outside of class we keep running into each other in the weirdest ways?"

"That's less weird than how my grandparents met," Emile said, breathless.

"Not what I said, babe."

"No, really! My grandpa was coming back to Amsterdam from London just as my grandma was on her way to London straight out of Auschwitz, and—"

"Can we keep this story for another time?"

"...sure." Emile gave Remy a half-smile. "So… I kinda have to go to Party City. I need to stock up for Halloween."

"Didn't you go there two weeks ago?"

"Yes, but they didn't have this one thing I really needed, and I kinda forgot a couple other things, so they told me they'd call when they got that thing they didn't have, so I'm going to pick it up!" He was… incredibly jumpy today. It was rather endearing. "You wanna come? We can go get pizza."

"What thing are you missing, exactly?"

"A wig! I'm gonna be Kim Possible."

He was so excited… Remy started feeling bad for being this confused.

"...what?"

"Kim Possible! Don't you— you know what, it's okay if you don't know. It only came out in June anyway." The half-smile turned into a full, bright one. He was adorable. "So, you wanna come with me?"

...well, he had nothing better to do for now.

"Sure, sunshine. But I need to get my wallet and phone first."

"Yay! Anyway, so Kim Possible is this show, it's on the Disney Channel but trust me it's not that bad… "

—

Emile was growing on Remy more and more each day. And… he may have started getting interested in Kim Possible after going out for pizza with him. The never ending energy was growing on him in a way. It was impossible not to like his enthusiasm, and…

Yeah, he was starting to grow on Remy.

"So, now, lucky that I'm vegetarian, right?" Emile said as he took his third slice of pizza. "So at least I have some sort of excuse, at least according to my aunt, but we just keep having to explain to them what kosher means and—"

"Are we still talking about your sister, Emile?"

"What?"

"We were talking about your sister and then you started talking about… well…"

"Oh! Yeah, sorry!"

"Please stop apologizing. You're not doing anything wrong."

"Right. Umm… so… Doctor Gilliam suggested I might want to get evaluated at the psych clinic sometime soon," Emile mumbled, straightening his glasses. Slightly more closed off. Making Remy feel real guilty. "I don't… I don't know why, but he said I might want to."

"And you're just gonna take him up on that?"

"Yeah? No? I don't know. I'm only sixteen, honestly, I'm gonna have to talk to my parents about this."

Sixteen?!

"Yeah, I thought I told you!"

...shit. He spoke out loud. Shit.

"I'll be seventeen in December. But… never mind. Do you think I should listen to him? About the evaluation?"

"I have, like… no idea."

The way back to Cambridge was full of even more chatter about everything and nothing, and Remy couldn't put in a word. Not that it mattered anyway. Emile was interesting.

Remy gave his input whenever he could, but he would much rather listen to Emile talk. He had an adorable voice

—

"You didn't call me last week, kiddo. Found yourself a guy?"

"Dad, please…"

"Do you think you're going to take her up on that offer?"

"Dad, daddy, papa, David, any normal person when answering the phone would ask how are you doing. Not if you hooked up with a guy or if you're going to babysit your sisters who you've never met just because your bitch of a woman who birthed you asked you to."

"When have we ever done anything normal, Remy?"

"Well… true. But no, I'm not going to take her up on that offer. I don't really care, to be honest."

"They're your sisters."

"And so is India but you don't see me trying to—"

"You haven't told me much about her, kid."

"Well… she's not doing okay lately. Did you see the news? About that girl in California?"

"Edward Araujo?"

"Gwen."

"Right. Sorry. It's just… the news."

"It's okay. But… India is losing it over this case. And honestly… I get her. It's terrifying to see someone of your kin just…"

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But really, did you hook up with anyone?"

"Nah. Dad, I'm eighteen. I'm not you."

"Hey, your mom got pregnant with you because of this one time when we were seniors when she had an empty house this one week in December and threw away my condoms when I tried to—"

"Dad, that's disgusting and please don't bring this up ever again."

"Got it. But anyway?"

"...there's a guy in my major, his name is Emile—"

"You gonna ask him out?"

"Dad, no! He's sixteen."

"And he's a psychology major?!"

"I asked myself the same question. But yes. He is."

"Well, I mean… he's within the appropriate age range for you. I guess."

"...what is it about I don't want a relationship at this stage of my life didn't you hear?"

"You're eighteen, Remy! One day you're gonna find someone and—"

"That's the thing. I'm eighteen. I have many more years ahead of me."

"Okay. Whatever you say. Any other boys I should know about? Girls, too, if you're into them now?"

"Just… this one guy. His name is Chris, he's a bit older… I don't know. Should I really be talking to you about this? You're my dad!"

"Am I not allowed to be interested in my son's love life anymore?"

"You weren't this interested in it when I was in high school."

A long sigh. "Remy…"

"I know you're worried, Dad. Believe me, I do. But I'm doing just fine! Rashida has dance parties every Wednesday for some reason so we bond over that, Lucy is basically just my map to going everywhere, we haven't hung out that much, Sammy is being a cutie all the time and Katherine is obsessed with everything. She really likes Emile's bunny for some reason and keeps talking about how her niece and nephew would absolutely love it. Her niece is two years old! I just…"

"Sounds to me like you're making friends."

"Well… yesterday I went with Emile to Party City. I don't know what I'm doing for Halloween this year, but…"

"What was that you just said?"

"If all goes right, I'll be Jack Skellington. But I don't have a backup."

"What would you need a backup for? You'll do great!"

"So, how's your girlfriend?"

"Eh, I don't know. Elaine isn't… that… you know."

"I'm sure she's absolutely lovely."

"Yeah, so was I. Can't wait for you to meet her."

"Can't wait either."

"...are you sure you don't want to babysit Linda's girls?"

"Dad!"

"Just asking!"

[mejomonster]

not the comparison ANYONE is looking for in this chilis tonight but

to dear myself’s yiming? he is DESPERATE to have the kind of love wen kexing and zhou zishu have goddamn.

he’s like trying to trust and be open and pour his heart out First like zhou zishu. and wants to be with the person he loves forever. and make things work.

and his girlfriend just. does not want to meet him halfway. she does not want to find the common ground they could live together forever happily compatible in. she wants her way or no way, and its subtle but its there. and for her if yiming is gone its no big deal. he’s in her life as accomodating to her completely, or he’s not. but to him its like he Wants her in his life, wants to love her his whole life, and is willing to put in the work. and its a fucking slow burn tragedy. after ep 1 i dont know if i could even watch more and bear it.

meanwhile yeah zhou zishu fell in love with a murderer on an unhinged streak dang dude. but wen kexing IS willing to try and meet him back, to answer when asked, to come back when they have a disagreement, to see if there’s a way they can both do their life goals and wants together. he’s certainly imperfect - he’s not supposed to even be functional, and they’re in a larger than life wuxia lol. but STILL those two can decide ‘yes you are important to me and i value u in my life and acknowledge you value me in your life and will work on maintaining this relationship.’ Because both are also mature enough to know they could still choose to leave if the other wasn’t trying. ahhhh

also while im on the subject. yiming ALSO wishes he had what fucking wu xie and xiaoge have ;-; In Ultimate Note xiaoge tries SO hard to make things work and meet wu xie in the middle so they can make this relationship work long term and consistently. and wu xie was always trying. and like. literally just the DESIRE to make a relationship important in both ppl’s lives is a significant part of the work! and without it good luck, and yiming just does NOT have that part.

 for all his girlfriend is or isn’t compatible, for all he wants to put in effort to meet her in the middle, etc. If she wants him to want the exact same thing as her or else she’s moving on, then they’re not gonna last. No one wants exactly precisely the same things. She can’t say ‘fuck it communicating when i leave the city on a plane isn’t important AND i’ll lie about not answering my phone’ and also think their conversation about the issue solved anything. Now? If she’d said ‘sorry but i PRIORITIZE work and im NOT answering my phone at work’ then that would’ve fixed things! or her saying ‘ok i get it you worry when i leave on a plane unexpected, i’ll text u when i leave without notice faraway so you don’t think im kidnapped lol’ or ‘i’ll answer a text within a few hours if i leave suddenly far away and im missing and forget to let u know. then he wouldn’t even be stressed - he’d know 1 she’ll let him know when he shouldnt plan surprises, 2 if shes ok, and 3 that she values work over him and he needs to respect work time as time he wont get contact. 

But instead the way she answers him just kinda lets us know if she cheated she probably just Would go leave the city, not answer her phone, sleep around, and lie since she does not wanna fix minor communication issues when its over this basic stuff. And she just wants to tell him ‘u worried over nothing, and i was busy.’ when like... if it Keeps happening she could at least say ‘i will NOT answer at work so if its work hours just know i wont answer.’ at least that would solve the issue! instead of pushing it down the road! (but like even most normal people... if they got THAT many calls texts they’d assume someone’s in the hospital and its an emergency and call anyway within a couple hours of THAT many messages, so the fact she still ignores it like... what if he ends up in the hospital and she also responds by ignoring it... that’s gonna be a trainwreck)

[toxoplasmajuice]

missy 1, 16, 19, 24! ^^

i ended up making the dreams answer long so under the cut this goes

1: their voice

oh jesus how do i describe a voice

uhh it’s low (but like, could be lower? i know i said i need to be better with voices but damn this is HARD) and somewhat nasal (unless specifically trying not to sound nasal) with varying degrees of raspiness. she has some sort of nyc-esque accent (except she’d call it a bridgeport accent. or she might even be more specific.) but i Suck at accents. in terms of singing voice she best fits as a baritone. as time goes on her voice gets gradually lower and hoarser and her vocal range gets smaller, though she does make an effort to maintain her singing voice. sometimes.

16: their dreams

ok the question after this is “their ambitions” so im gonna assume this is talking about like, literal dreams, the shit your brain tosses at you in your sleep. she dreamed different stuff before the Tragedy hit but this answer got long so

her dreams are often… not great. at all. she’ll dream that cheyenne got her way at the end of the mmbc and has her locked in a box under the bed. or she’ll dream that she’s actually watching the mutual killing and noé gets killed in some exaggeratedly brutal way and she wants to look away but physically cannot for whatever reason. or she’ll dream that she’s officially fallen into despair. or she’ll dream that through some disaster everyone in the Survival Party™️ gets killed but her. or she’ll get one of various dreams in her brain’s Nightmare Arsenal centering around cordelia being hurt/killed, including a… very pointed one where she’s alive but badly injured and missy has to put her out of her misery

but SOMETIMES missy WILL get… like, really strange but overall good dreams. like this one, which i’m going to tell in first person from the perspective of a partially-still-asleep missy telling this to cordelia at 3 am because if i just told you it as an omniscient narrator it wouldnt be the same:”…so you, me, these triplets we had who all looked the same except one had green hair for some reason, we were on a road trip, with Ayele and her daughter—Ayele doesn’t have a daughter—right now, at least—but she did here—and none of us were any older, but our triplets were like, 3 or 4? And this daughter Ayele had was like, at least 16? Because she was driving. And she like, she looked strangely like Gillian Badami but with darker skin, but I knew in the dream not to say that because Gillian Badami had gotten called out a year prior for saying something vanillist but I couldn’t remember what—but anyway. So we were on this road trip, and when I saw the car from outside somehow it was way too small for seven people, but from the inside there was actually one extra seat—okay, so, we were on this road trip, yeah? We were in, like, the middle-of-nowhere parts of Lucky Palms area. On the highway. And I had Google Maps open on my phone, and you had a paper map, and Google Maps said to take one exit, but your map said the exit didn’t exist, so we pulled into a rest area to figure this shit out. And suddenly I needed a bathroom break anyway, and I was more nervous than usual about public bathrooms so you came with me, and the sink-to-mirror ratio in there was, like… way off. There were way too many mirrors… But then I dunno what happened to me needing a bathroom, ‘cause then we were fucking in one of the stalls, which was actually a shower stall for some reason? And then we got out, completely unruffled mostly, and nobody noticed we were gone too long, and the triplets were all drinking chocolate milk somebody must’ve just bought at the rest stop for ‘em—what the fuck, I want some chocolate milk—and Ayele’s daughter was looking at a website about the history of the city we were closest to. Probably to figure out whether that exit was real or not? And Ayele turned to me, and she said, ‘This is just like our trip to India!’ And then I woke up… We never went to India. We… [yawning] We went to Egypt… a whole ‘nother con…tinent…”

(it’s worth noting that the nightmares are also full of bizarre details like one kid having green hair and the shower stall at the rest stop, they just tend to get pushed to the side)

19: their reaction to betrayal

oooh

you could consider being an mmbc murderer a type of betrayal, couldn’t you? especially well into the age of (modern) mmbcs, signing up for a bc involves a certain level of trust that the bacheloret wants to have in their contestants. and by getting rid of that first competitor, you’re betraying that trust your bacheloret has in you. with that in mind, missy’s reaction to betrayal is pushing the betrayer down several flights of stairs, i guess

but she can’t just. kill everyone who betrays her in any way. but her more general response to (less… deadly) betrayal has been blowing up at people (often publicly) and often cutting ties with people

there’s two precedents there actually, both more perceived betrayal than objective betrayal:

when she suspected roger camejo & his new friends were planning to publicly humiliate her/out her to the larger student body/kill her in high school and she VERY LOUDLY AND ANGRILY confronted him at lunch and said never to talk to her again

when ayele broke up with her and she, after a while of increasingly desperately trying to Win Her Back, broke down angry-crying in the middle of a campus dining hall screaming about how they’d been through so much together and ayele was throwing all of that away for some SCUMBAG SHE’D JUST MET THAT YEAR, later packing up a fraction of her stuff and dropping out of college without even knowing where the hell she was gonna live after

24: what motivates them

pre-bc (but post-moving in with ayele and sharwin): food, girls, instant gratification, not having to think about stuff

mid-bc: not having to think about stuff(x100), her contestants (keeping them safe and getting them to like her)

post-bc: cordelia (protecting her, making her happy, getting this relationship thing right this time, really spending time with her whenever possible, holding onto the slightest bit of hope that all of this will be fixed one day so one day they can just be together without fearing for their lives), protecting the rest of the family, basic survival instincts, still a little bit of not having to think about stuff

[carolrance]

Lol got called a lying racist by a white football hooligan from the north on Twitter cos of my observations re: the difference in the response of people (Twitter users, primarily white and/or middle class) in the immediate aftermath of the grenfell tower fire vs manchester and London bridge. Because apparently voicing the discrepancy i saw on Twitter counts as racism. But I'm not sure against whom???? White people? Cos it certainly wasn't criticising anyone else... like...erm...im white as a ghost so I thought maybe he thought I was going after the people of colour for some confusing reason??? (But honestly who the fuck does that?!)... and I briefly skimmed his Twitter and he's like retweeting the same shit i am so like...we're on the same side I think? So either he completely misunderstood my tweet or he's selectively engaged in the issues. (ie. He'll only agree and retweet when the criticism doesn't directly target him and his Aryan hooligan brethren.) Like I want to talk a lot more about this but I'm on mobile and i hate doing long ass serious posts using my stupid phone and it's fucking bonkers autocorrect. So in brief, and maybe I'm way off base cos really Twitter feeds can look different to different people, but my point is that in the IMMEDIATE aftermath, aka within 1-2 hours, and peaked not long after but was still very present 8 hrs later, the hashtags for both the MCR bombing and the London bridge/borough market attack were positively FLOODED with people offering their homes/sofas/beds/transport/ubers to victims and the displaced. Like at least 50% of the feed I saw was that. (That other half was terrorism speculation and islamophobia). It was amazing the outpouring of offers of shelter and support, no questions asked. "I have a free sofa if u need it. Happy to take you in! Dm me!!!" And that sorta stuff. Then.... yesterday. When I woke up like most of london, which was a good 5 hours after the fire started, I obvs was all over Twitter trying to get a handle on it. The news was on too. What I saw there was totally different in the tags. There was still a small proportion of islamophobia and terrorism speculation, but by and large it was "oh my thoughts and prayers go out to all the people in the fire". I would say at least 60% were "thoughts and prayers". The rest were places to donate clothes and food with a smattering of outspoken people calling bullshit and getting people woke about the reality of this (ie. The politics, racism and classism at work). I saw very, very few people offering shelter. In fact only 3 in my endless scrolling. At first I didn't recognise what was at work. But then as I saw the interviews and such on tv, it hit me. Primarily the victims of MCR and borough market were children and tourists, and predominately white and lower-to-upper middle class. They are the "innocent victims of a horrible terrorist crime!". And I'm not saying they weren't. The victims of the grenfell tower fire are predominantly black, brown, Muslim and/or working class, if not poor. Some are white too but they're the "chavs". It was council housing. It was interesting then to me that there had been such a massive outpouring of shelter offers then but people seemed to be suspiciously quiet when it came time to offer predominately poor, non-white people a place to sleep. Especially the white people who were all jumping at the chance to offer pointless "thoughts and prayers" but little else. THEY DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PRAYERS. THEY NEED CLOTHES, FOOD, A BATH, AND A PLACE TO SLEEP THAT ISN'T THE FLOOR OF A GYMNASIUM WITH 500 OTHER PEOPLE! THEIR ENTIRE LIVES HAVE BURNT TO THE GROUND. THEY HAVE NO HOMES LEFT. They aren't momentarily displaced like the victims and those affected in the immediate aftermath of MCR and Borough attacks. They literally have nowhere to go anymore. And what was more interesting to me is that they are surrounded by really nice vacant properties and loads of airbnbs. Not to mention a shitload of richass white people. Like, I was staying in an airbnb flat in Chelsea not too far away that I know for a fact is vacant right now. There are people without homes 20 min away, and that flat is just sitting empty. (Now full disclosure, the reason it's empty is cos the boiler broke and it's not gonna get fixed anytime soon. But I dunno, if I had lost my whole life in a few hours, I'd be happy to stay in a nice flat even without hot water or heat. It's summer.) You certainly don't see anyone in Notting hill, Chelsea, Knightsbridge, or south Kensington on Twitter opening up their homes/sofas for their working class neighbours. Well, I didn't see any anyway. And that was my point that dude got so upset by. Like???? But it's my observations?????? And don't anyone dare tell me that this whole thing doesn't have a strong current of racism and classism at the root cause. And like I'm racist for calling out racism??? Or maybe I'm just racist for assuming that the reason there wasn't a flood of like offers was cos of the victims' race? I mean maybe there is something else at work preventing Londoners from offering shelter the same as they did a mere 12 days ago... Maybe it's just a bad coincidence. But it's all rather odd at any rate that suddenly nobody has a sofa to lend anymore. He said that I was "lying". Which I wasn't. That is literally what I saw on my Twitter when I searched latest and top for the hashtag. Maybe it shows up differently to different people but I'm not lying when I say i saw a torrent of shelter offers for the terror attacks but only 3 at the times I was on the fire hashtag. Like maybe hashtags show different things? He's in manchester and I was actually in Kensington. But then surely I should have more of the local help offered tweets, no? He claimed he saw a lot of offers of clothes, food and shelter. I saw lots of people tweeting about where to drop off donations of food and clothing. Yes. Lots of awareness of that. I also saw a lot of tweets praising Jaime Oliver for opening his restaurant to feed victims for free. I saw a few about EE offering up their shops/phones/tablets for free for victims and relatives to contact each other. I saw a few wonderful people offer things like diabetes medications and stuff that you may not even think of but for those with certain diseases it's really important. I saw a bunch of people thanking emergency services for their work. I saw a lot calling out other shops and businesses for NOT stepping up to donate and help, like Sainsburys. I saw people talking about the politics of this tragedy. I saw people complaining about the affected people talking about the politics. I saw Akala taking the lead in addressing the systemic causes of all of this. I saw a few assholes saying racist shit. And a few saying classist shit. And I saw tweet after tweet after tweet of thoughts and prayers and "my ❤ is with you london" rubbish. Oh golly thanks. My home has burnt down and my neighbours are dead but at least some 25 yr old white girl in Shoreditch feels a bit sad as she sits in her gentrified garden flat drinking craft microbrewery beer and watching OITNB on netflix. (Ooh hit a nerve? And yes I know not everyone else is in a position to help either and that is literally all they can do. But the discrepancy between those same people who were willing to open their doors to a victim of the London bridge attack and those willing to open their doors to victims of an attack by their own governments is appalling.) You know what I didn't see? Overwhelming floods of tweets for offers of a sofa to crash on, or a uber ride to a friend or family member's house from a stranger. I saw those on the nights of MCR and borough. And what made this worse is an interview I saw on the news with some of the victims and relief workers in the area. They were all saying that by and large, the majority of donations were coming from their own communities, not their so-called neighbours in Notting Hill or Chelsea, or the white hipsters in Shoreditch or the business suits at canary wharf. They were coming from other people of colour and other working class and poor people. The majority of offers of volunteering and food were from neighbouring churches, mosques, and community members, not the spoiled Chelsea brats. And certainly not from the landlord, council or property developers. So for every retweet of where to drop off food, clothes, bedding, baby stuff, etc. It was other disenfranchised people doing the actual work moreso than the people tweeting about it and not actually doing much. Now, a day later it's 80% politics, 19% donations, and still 1% offers of transportation and shelter. Actually I didn't see a single shelter offer just now after scrolling for a while but I'm playing it safe and not assuming there are none at all. They didn't suddenly find homes, you know. There's photos of where they're all sleeping. The floor. Of a sports complex. I've seen one tweet of the first named victim. I don't see his photo posted everywhere with outpouring of sympathy from across the board. Where is his front page story? http://www.itv.com/news/2017-06-15/victims-of-grenfell-tower-fire-disaster/ His name was Mohammad Alhajali. He was a Syrian refugee. Think about that for a second... I also don't see widely circulating appeals for missing children. There are missing children of colour. Just saw the one. Surely there are more. Why not more awareness being done? Because they weren't attending a concert but rather asleep in council housing? (I am honestly only going by Twitter and the #grenfelltower hashtag so maybe appeals are happening elsewhere.) I will say it seems like a lot more of the donations are coming in from outside of the communities so that's good. But let's not pretend that the response to this disaster isn't totally clouded with the same latent bias and discrimination that caused it in the first place. Okay so not so brief after all. But am I off base with my observations? Am I a lying racist? Honestly if i am, please let me know and how to fix my perspective.

[transient-tutor]

RILEY: -it's been a long night of mixed emotions and very little sleep, a long night of staring at her oldest in comatose, a long night of thinking and overthinking and not so much talking. it's afternoon now, and both she and Derek have to go back to the room for something, anything that's a taste of a routine life outside of all this tragedy and loss. Riley walks ahead first and looks around blankly before just sitting on the bed to just lie down and face the wall.-

DEREK: -he follows her into the room, just ghosting along in step with some semblance of familiarity. there's always something to do around here if he just looks for it. maybe rearrange his things. he's always making a mess of the room anyway and though he doesn't usually care and prefers it that way, right now he only feels offended by the mess.- 

DEREK: -while riley lies down unmoving, he can't stop moving. he gathers up puppets and puts them up on a shelf... rearranges them a few times before suddenly shoving them and EVERYTHING ELSE off the surface with a loud clatter.-

RILEY: -rolls back around at the loud sudden sound and sighs seeing how intentional it was. he's tense, but so is she.- is that really fucking necessary?

DEREK: Fuck! -and cue the pacing. it's unclear if he was swearing at her, or just in general. there's a good chance he didn't even hear her.-

RILEY: -she watches him pace and pushes herself up so she's sitting again- yeah. same.

RILEY: glad we can talk.

DEREK: -that seems to have gotten his attention now and he spins to look at her.- What are we gonna talk about Riley huh? 

DEREK: You just wanna get on me then go ahead and say somethin. 

DEREK: Tell me how Im supposed to be feelin right now!

RILEY: -she feels herself growing angrier with the way he's speaking to her (as if she isn't doing the same) and narrows her eyes at him- you don't have to wreck the room and yell about it because that's gonna do a whole lot of fuck all. 

RILEY: he's my son too.

DEREK: Yeah? And what good is lyin around gonna do either? 

DEREK: You aint said a damn thing to me until now and you werent gonna. Only shit you got to say is what I should and shouldnt be doing. 

DEREK: Fuck. 

DEREK: Dont pretend you got some high ground over me just because Im angry and you dont wanna deal with it.

RILEY: -she stares at him, mouth slightly agape in an offended kind of disgust- i said nothing about being better than you so you're making that shit up. 

RILEY: how am i gonna deal with it, derek? knock shit over? YELL ABOUT IT? -swipes a lamp off the nightstand and onto the floor- MY SON IS IN A COMA AND MIGHT NEVER WAKE UP! 

RILEY: -kicks the same nightstand and a picture frame falls off- i feel great now!

DEREK: Dont fucking mock me! 

DEREK: -he just turns away and goes back to pacing. he knows he's being irrational, but he can't stop. it all hurts too much, it's too scary. it's all going back to the way it was. would anything ever really change?- 

DEREK: -once he's gotten some distance from her, he aims more of this pent up anger at the wall with his fist. and again and again until his knuckles bleed.- 

DEREK: WHY IS IT ALWAYS THEM? 

DEREK: THEY DONT FUCKING DESERVE THIS! 

DEREK: AND THERES NOTHING I CAN FUCKING DO! THERES NEVER BEEN A GODDAMN THING I COULD DO!

RILEY: -she doesn't even realize that she's crying until she tastes the salt, her gaze pinned on him. This is all so scary, so familiar, and her adrenaline is so far up she feels like she could destroy everything around her in one go. but it still stings painfully to watch him keep hurting himself like that. her voice cracks slightly- DEREK, STOP!

DEREK: -the sound of desperation in his voice is enough to rip him back to reality. it only takes that moment for the pain to register, in his hand and in his heart, and just as fast the tears are starting to roll down his cheeks as well. he looks down at the blood smeared over tattered skin, unable to think or act at all. he can only feel. and it's awful.-

RILEY: -she's silent at first aside from her own sniffling, and it reminds her of years and years ago when they lost Dirk the first time and she'd do nothing but watch him like this. Times where she needed to step up even if it felt like the hardest thing she could ever do.- baby, come here. -she says it quietly, but loud enough for him to hear accompanied by restrained sobs-

DEREK: -he feels a similar apprehension, but he's afraid of hurting her. he knows what he's capable of doing and saying. he's already done enough damage here. still, even with all the fear and doubts running through his mind, more than anything he just wants her support and to be with her. he wipes away tears with his good hand before he turns towards her again, sluggishly dragging himself to her side, weighed down by exhaustion and guilt.-

RILEY: -she holds out her hand as she's sitting: a peace offering, in a method that doesn't beg him to depend on her but instead invites him to join her. she knows her pain is too fresh to soothe his alone but she knows that carrying it together is what they need to do- i'm sorry i'm... 

RILEY: i'm sorry i'm being a bitch. 

RILEY: and for just... -let's out an unamused laugh- doing what i always did. 

RILEY: hid in bed instead of-- -she has to gather herself for a moment- talking to you.

DEREK: -places his hand in hers gently, taking the invitation easily.- I wasnt bein fair. 

DEREK: Im sorry. 

DEREK: And Im sorry if I scared you. 

DEREK: -sniffs, squeezing her hand gently.- I dont wanna be like that.

RILEY: -squeezes his hand back tightly- the only thing that scared me was how easy it was for us to go down that road again. -she brings his bloody knuckles up to her face so she can kiss them, just barely- i really fucking need you, you know? even when i try to act like i don't.

DEREK: -swallows back the lump in his throat as he watches her.- ... I need you too. -it gets a little easier every time he says it. and it gets a little easier to accept, too.- 

DEREK: I think I... 

DEREK: Need you more now than I ever did. 

DEREK: Probably goes both ways huh?

RILEY: nope. you're on your own there.

DEREK: ... Shut the fuck up. -wheeze.-

RILEY: -she smiles just a little despite all the tears- don't think i could do life without you anymore if i had to.

DEREK: -scoffs a little too when she laughs, raising her hands now to kiss them himself.- Same here. 

DEREK: I dont want to.

RILEY: -leans in to kiss him briefly- i...want to try something.

DEREK: -blinks, looking down at her curiously.- Alright. Whats that?

RILEY: -leans over to get onto her feet so she can make her way over to a cabinet where she hoarded a lot of ceramic cafeteria plates...for snacking, of course.- i just wondered if you had a point. -puts a stack of them on top of their dresser before taking one and throwing it at the opposite wall until it shatters into pieces-

DEREK: -he's a little startled by her suddenly causing a ruckus like this.- Shit-- -but then he laughs.- 

DEREK: Youre crazy. 

DEREK: Howd it feel though?

RILEY: -looks over at him- kind of...nice.

DEREK: -smirks and grabs himself a plate too before chucking it at the wall.- 

DEREK: Feels good to let all that shit out doesnt it?

RILEY: -watches it smash and it feels like a breath of fresh air. she grabs another and throws it as hard as she can- take that, universe. fuck you!

DEREK: -laughs at that.- Yeah baby. Show em whos the fucking boss.

RILEY: -and again- SUCK MY DICK!

DEREK: -snrk- Wonder whos gonna clean all this up. -chucks another even as he says this.-

RILEY: sure as hell ain't me. -just one more before she sighs loudly and plops back down on the bed- or you either. there's gotta be some kind of ceramic vaccuum.

DEREK: -takes a seat with her and then uses this opportunity to start cleaning and bandaging his hand finally.- Bet we can get one of those service drones to deal with it.

RILEY: -butts in to help him with that process- yep. cuz it sure as hell ain't us.

DEREK: -kinda lets her take over just so he can watch her and leans in to kiss her on the head.-

RILEY: -closes her eyes just for a second, truly appreciating the feeling of his lips on her head. she pauses for a moment before taking his uninjured hand and placing it on her stomach- 

RILEY: can you feel that?

DEREK: -looks down at her belly, paying close attention for any movement.- She gettin rowdy again?

RILEY: -she's definitely wiggling around in there- i think she has the hiccups. also doing somersaults or some shit i don't know. give it a sec.

DEREK: -snickers- Maybe shes throwing a tantrum cuz we were. -rubs a small circle where his hand is. relax in there.-

RILEY: -smiles a little- probably. shit, what if she's just like us? we're in for it now.

DEREK: Have some sense like your brothers do baby girl. 

DEREK: If youre gonna inherit our traits let me be the good ones. 

DEREK: Like my devilish good looks for example. -talking to ryan is relaxing him... like it always does.-

RILEY: she's gonna be beautiful. and also look nothing like you. just watch.

DEREK: The fuck? Rude. 

DEREK: -wraps his arms around her middle.- Youre just giving me attitude cuz youre cranky. 

DEREK: We should take a nap. -he just wants to rest too...-

RILEY: i'm giving you attitude because you deserve it. -leans back against him- yeah. 

RILEY: i'm all for that nap shit.

DEREK: -kisses on her again before lowering them both to lie down.-

RILEY: -and in his arms she realizes she's more tired than she thinks she is, and surprisingly, she's able to close her eyes-