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echelongaga · 7 years

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My feeling... My problems (you don't have to read it)

Is it possible that a person can be hated by everyone around him/her?

I have been asking myself that a lot lately, as I started feeling alone, like an alone wolf who must survive alone while the whole pack is continuing their live normally, not noticing that this young wolf is suffering.

I am not quite sure if it was me or was the type of people I walk with, but I think that I did something wrong that just clicked to them: she is no longer a good friend. And I myself not sure what I did.

I try tell a story to myself, that they are just upset now, but after a week or so, they will go back normally.... But it's been 5 months and none of them even notice my existence...

I sometimes feel like I'm always out of place, not able to fit in this piece of puzzle called society, why is it so hard to be normal? Or to specific, like them?

I have a huge problem communicating, I am socially awkward, so making new friends was always a mission to me, so sticking with those who I called friends was the only thing I can do.

I guess when I finally started becoming myself around me they didn't like the real me?! And decided to leave me alone. And to be frankly... It's not the first time this has happened to me.

When I was in pre-school, I was around girls who always talked about gossip and made troubles, I fit in there not because I was like them, but because they thought as long as I don't tell anyone, I can stay in their group.

But when we were in 6th grade, and I finally decided to open up, to be me, they got shocked. But later on, they moved on with it. But there was this girl who liked the new me, and kept in a close relationship with me... Sweet isn't it?

Well... At 8th grade, she introduced me to this guy she was talking to online, and she forced me to talk to his brother, thinking that when we grow older, they will marry us and we can still be friends living under the same roof, and funny enough, I believed her, more like followed her. She was my only after all.

As soon as I talked to him, I noticed he was not normal, he was always talking about sex and how he wants to fuck me till I can't breath no more. I immediately stopped talking to him after three horrible long days. But kept telling my friend we talk, but not a lot.

In 9th grade, the first semester, we had a fight, and it was such a stupid fight that I hardly can remember it, but it ended on making her go all around the school, showing them the texts messages between me and that pervert.

Now the problem is.... That wasn't me. It was her other close friend, talking to that creep. She planned this with the group of girls I used to walk with in 6th grade and even decided to send it to my mother, saying that they kept on telling me to stop but I was too horny to listen.

I know.... Sounds too much for a girl in 9th grade, but I wish I was lying. In fact, if that incident didn't happen, I wouldn't be so closed to people, I wouldn't have kept my feelings and the things I love to people, or in another word, "communicating" having a conversation.

Long story short, my mom lost her trust in me, so is my dad, and my siblings. Everything was taken away from me, and I saw my old phone being crashed in front of me... Frankly, that phone was bought the same very year, it only lived 3 months.

Imagine the amount bulling from the students, disgrace looks from the teachers, and disappointed looks from my family. That year was hell to me... Nothing helped, at all. I reached the point where I thought suicide was my only option.

My mom realized that I got sick, physically and mentally, so she decided to move me to another school on the second semester, and to be honest. Life there wasn't that hard, the problem was just me not being able to trust or talk to anyone, but other than that... Things were fine.

I stayed the whole year alone, till I reached high school, and I moved to a new school, new class, new people. I remember everyone was talking to each other in groups, and I was the only new girl in the class, so making friends was already a zero option.

But in the middle of the semester, they started trying to make me talk, and I won't lie to you, I was talking with them, I was laughing at what made them laugh, but that only to show that I'm normal like them. Cause at home, I only study, I don't watch TV, nothing. Not because my parents still mad at me or something, but because after what happened, I felt like I owe my parents something, I need to succeed in my life in order to make them feel proud of me. So understanding all that gossip was not an option.

In my last 10th grade year, I brought 98% and was the 5th highest scorer in the whole school. I was happy, although I was streesed and still alone, but when I saw my parents smiling and giving me those words, words that meant they were proud, it made me forget all the stress.

And guess what was my graduation gift? It was a new phone, a phone that I love so much and it is what I'm using now to write this rant or story to you.

I found myself getting healed by Lady gaga's supporting words, and Jared Leto's meaningful words of fighting. Those two brought life to my soulless body. And I finally were able to speak to people... But, online people, people that no way on earth I can meet them in real life, which was fine with me, cause to be honest with you, the friends you make online can be more loyal than those in real life.

Anyway, back to the new beginning of the 11th grade, which is now. I found myself surrounded by people that I adored and loved so much, people that had my flaws, understood it, and accepted it. I loved them dearly and will never hate them.

But with new beginning of school, a new strees and anxiety is being developed, which is working in groups, and it is the worst thing ever.

Because they all don't know how to hold a responsibility they left me for charge, and it was like hell, I had to chase them like a car chasing a mice, almost kissing their feet to work this fucking project and get it over with. But they never did, some did commit, others were just either too dumb or either doesn't give a shit, and expected me to help them.

But there was this one girl... Her name is Doha (it's in Arabic so you will find it difficult to pronounce) is the worst. As a friend, and as a student. This girl neve did a thing, and always complained about not getting the full mark, I get too pissed when she says that.

But one time... She crossed the line, like... Really crossed it.

We had this project that we have to do a presentation of in front of the teachers and the principal, and she had to begin the presentation, but oddly enough she didn't come to the presentation room, so me and another friend had to go all around school looking for her. And when we couldn't find her, we went back to the presentation room, and I found her sitting with punch of girls, talking and laughing like she doesn't have anything important to do.

That moment I got pissed, and decided to explode. I exploded, literally, screaming at her and all, and she screamed back, we kept screaming and almost had a fist fight, but we saw the principle enters the presentation room and decided to cool it off. She and my other friend looked at me angerly. Never thought I would explode like that.

Why would I explode you ask? Well, imagine your a huge Ballon, full of air. And then, a bird comes and sits on you, then another bird comes, and more and more and more, till they create a burden on you, they all became too heavy on you, that you ended up exploding, causing them to fly away, looking for a better place to sit at.

I was the balloon, and the birds were the burdens I had to carry, staying normal, doing no homework, studying for exams, bringing great marks, eat, sleep, do projects. But lately, these all became to heavy, and my grades were getting lower, and when I tried talking to my mom, she was mad. And every time I tried saying that I'm stressed to them, they immediately change the subject.

So me being me. Kept it to myself, till it all gathered in one single blow. Creating a disaster... A complete disaster.

The next day after the fight, they all started to slightly stop talking to me. They keep secrets, they have their own convos in a separate group so I won't see it. And, doing projects without me.

I thought It was okay, maybe they don't want their Doha to hate them all so I'll just let them till they cool down. But after two weeks, all meaning of communication stopped, and in that point I was so broke, I needed someone to pick me up and fix me.

No one cared to listen to me... Or at least that's what I kept telling myself, cause when I come to think of it, I never made that many of friends so I can go easily to anyone I know and started speaking my heart to.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I am not telling you this to show you how miserable I am, but because I know that.... No one would find this, and no one would read it. And even if you did find it, you won't like, waste half of your valuable time reading a teenager girl talking about how she suffers from social problems and can't trust people and that she needs help.

You will evantually scroll this down and never read it, but If you did read all of this, than thank you, I appreciate it..

Now excuse me, I have to find another reason for me to stay in this place called earth, rather than going to mars.

#Rant #personal rant #Depression #anixety

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littledonkeyburrito · 7 years

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Internal organs

1. Where is your cell phone right now? Kitchen table

2. How many pictures of yourself do you have on your phone? There are several selfies, mostly while travelling

3. What song did you listen to the most this summer? Whatever was playing on the radio that I heard everywhere I guess. Probably despacito, subeme la radio, and vente pa ca

4. Describe your hands. They’re pretty handy

5. Have you ever been chased by an animal? (If so, which one) A couple of small dogs, a horse (while I had a strong fear of horses, I cried), probably some others that I don’t remember.

6. How many people in your family have blue eyes? Most of us, except my brother has hazel

7. What’s the longest you’ve ever been on an airplane? Australia to europe is something like 24 hours. But that’s a couple of flights. The longest I’ve been on one flight was Sydney to Doha which was 14 hours and it was hell because the air pressure was wreaking havoc on my guts and gave me the worst cramps

8. How did you get one of your scars? I was in the UK with my dad and brother when I was 10 and we were staying at a family friend’s house, along with a couple of other family friends. Me and a fellow child were building a little stick cubby house in the garden and we decided we didn’t want my older brother to get in because he would ruin everything, so we made the entrance really low to the ground so you had to slide in on your belly. Anyway, brother was chasing me and I tried to dive into the cubby house and one of the sticks scraped down my back and now I have a faint scar there.

9. How did you celebrate your last birthday? A group of friends and I went to a theme park and then went to a comedy cabaret show for dinner where we consumed a reasonable amount of alochol

10. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing? I probably bought it at a cheap clothing store. It’s a few years old so I don’t remember exactly

11. How old will you be at your next birthday? 24

12. What did you do last weekend? I was in Paris

13. What did you have for breakfast? I did not have breakfast

14. Have you ever been out of the country? Which country? I’ve been out of many of them

15. Have you ever had sex on the beach? No and I really have no desire to get sand in that region.

16. Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Yeah

17. Who was the last person you saw? Lady working at the cornerstore. For some reason whenever I buy a 6 pack of beer she always forgets to put it in as 6 and just scans one. I’m too honest to let it slide so I always look at the price and go, “...for 6 beers?” and she’s like “oh!” and rescans it as the 6pack. I mean, I go into that little store at least once a week so I’d rather not screw them over anyway.

18. Who was the last person you messaged? Anna

19. Where does your best friend live? All of my best friends still live in australia

20. Where did you last go? To the cornerstore

21. Where do you go to school? At a school

22. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? Depends on definition of ex but I’m considering (when I’m back in aus) getting back with a guy I had a thing with before I left australia

23. Who was the last person you sat next to? Somebody on the plane from Paris back to Barcelona

24. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yeah

25. When was the last time you ate chips? Maybe a week ago

26. How many people have you kissed in this month? None :(

27. Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? No but you’ve just reminded me I need to hang up my laundry to dry

28. What are you doing tomorrow? I need to stop into that telemarketing office and finally pick up my money. Then going to buy some rum and hopefully mandarins too (my grocery store didn’t have any today) and head home by midday to skype with maggie and anna for maggie’s birthday while I get drunk in the early afternoon

29. What color are your socks? Navy blue with little pink hearts on them

30. Last thing you got in the mail? Letter from 2 friends (a couple) asking me to be a groomsman at their wedding next year. They can’t stand the thought of me in a dress so they decided a long time ago that I could not be a bridesmaid

31. Who were you with Friday night? Just me, alone in Paris.

32. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Up to 45 minutes. Usually about half an hour.

33. Where’s the closest hoodie to you right now? I only have one and it’s on my torso

34. Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? Mornings because I tend to sweat while I sleep. Obviously less of an issue in winter though. When I’m working I take night showers in winter because I know that if I get in the shower at 4:30am when it’s 5 degrees out, I am never getting out of that hot water.

35. Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? No

36. Who was the last person to be in your bedroom? I don’t know, nobody has been here in a long time

37. Have you ever eaten an uncooked cookie? Do you mean... cookie dough?

38. Is there a place that you wish you could visit? There are so many more places to go.

39. Do you believe that this weekend will be a good one for you? I think it will be the standard boring mediocre weekend I have every week due to having no friends in this country

40. Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yeah

41. Are all of your friends in relationships? About half of my close friends are

42. Would you ever eat a bug for 1000 dollars? Sure, give me 20 bugs and you won’t see me for 6 months because I’ll be off travelling. I hear fried crickets are pretty good.

43. What’s going on with you and the last person you messaged? Friend

44. Is your cell phone usually on vibrate or is the ringtone usually on? Ringtone, unless I’m on the train or something

45. Do you sext? I did once and I was surprisingly into it but I think that’s just bc I was really horny at time. Normally, it’s really not my thing.

46. Where are your biological parents? Their homes

47. Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? Money please. Could spend 5k on a second hand car and still have 35k spare

48. Did the last person you message, message you back? Not yet. Asleep I think

49. Tell me about the last conversation you had with the opposite sex. Wasn’t much of a conversation. It was a guy working in the cornerstore was helping me find a 6 pack of beer that was actually a full 6 pack. For some reason most of them had exactly one missing. I say it wasn’t much of a conversation, firstly because not much needed to be said, secondly we’d both be speaking our second (at least) language, and thirdly he’s deaf so I’m not sure how much he’d hear from me anyway.

50. What is something you always have with you? Internal organs

51. Are you thirsty? In both senses of the word, yes.

52. What room are you in? Bedroom. It’s too cold to not be under blankets.

53. Rice or beans? Rice AND beans (seriously, listen to that song. I heard played by a band in a little beach town in Costa Rica)

54. Last pair of shoes you wore? Maroon sneakers I got from Alcampo for like 7 euros

55. Do your parents swear? Dad sometimes, mum no

56. Are you comfortable doing things on your own or do you prefer to have company? I prefer company when I’m not at home.

57. Do you think travelling is something that every young person should do to gain life experience? If they can. But not everybody will appreciate it

58. Do you have a certain color grape you like the most? Both are good but I tend to buy red grapes with seeds because then they take me longer to eat and they’re a good snack to have while I watch tv shows to keep my hands busy

59. If you could kiss someone right now, who would it be? I’m not too fussy, anyone off the shortlist

60. Would you rather go to a party or go on a quiet date? Depends who the date is with. I do like parties.

61. Type in “[your name] needs” in the Google search: Maddie needs a daddy Reaction: Only if he pays well lmao

62. Type in “[your name] wants” in the Google search: Maddie wants a solo Reaction: a solo of what?

63. Type in “[your name] is” in the Google search: Maddie is back Reaction: Soon.

64. Type in “[your name] looks like” in Google search: Maddie looks like sharpay Reaction: Um?

65. Type in “[your name] does” in Google search: Maddie does mackenzie’s makeup Reaction: I don’t understand what this means. Is this like highschool musical or something?

66. Type in “[your name] hates” in Google search: Maddie hates dance moms Reaction: Can’t say I’ve ever seen it

67. Type in “[your name] goes” or “..has gone” in Google search: Maddie goes to jail Reaction: I wonder what I did

68. Type in “[your name] loves” in Google search: Maddie loves lip balm Reaction: In winter I sure do

69. Type in “[your name] makes” in Google search: Maddie makes friends Reaction: Aww :3

70. When was the last time you wore a Band-Aid and why? A long time ago (more than a year) and probably for a blister

71. A trip to California, the Bahamas, New York, Wisconsin, Utah, or Canada? Canada or NY.

72. Whose house were you at last, besides your own? I haven’t been to anybody’s house in months 73. Any big plans for this summer? Ugh I suppose I have another summer coming up if I’m going back to australia. Plans are working, drinking and trying not to lose my spanish skills 74. Who was the last person you were in a vehicle with other than family? Everybody on the metro today 75. What’s something you need to get done soon? Booking flight back to aus. Need to do some research and also borrow some money first 76. Is your best friend awake right now? She is. And she’s hungover as fuck and regretting everything 77. If I came to your house, could I find any kind of chocolate? There is half a block of dark chocolate w almonds and also a pack of oreos. 78. What size bed do you have? King. It’s amazing and I love it and I want to bring it to australia with me even though I don’t actually own this bed bc it came with the furnished apartment 79. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? According to facebook it was the friend I went to colombia with 80. Have you ever held a snake? Yeah 81. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? Sleepmasks when I’m doing shiftwork 82. Would you rather go to a beach, an amusement park, or a water park? Amusement park 83. Have you ever kissed under water? Only if a shower counts as technically being under water 84. Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? Yeah 85. Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? Camping. It’s cheaper and there’s more potential for misadventures 86. Do you have alcohol in your house? I have 4 beers left and no rum

87. Do you have anything to pay off? I owe mum some money and soon will owe dad too. Won’t take me long to pay it off once I’m back in aus though 88. What are you listening to? Mi Vida No Vale Nada - Genitallica 89. Where did you first hear this song? Youtube bc I was looking up bands that sing in spanish

Last 10 people in your Facebook messages inbox: I’m excluding group chats

1. Anna 2. Brenda 3. Caitlin 4. Dad 5. Joh 6. Torin 7. Maggie 8. Pegler 9. Jenn 10. Patrick

How long have you known 1? A couple of months

When did you meet 2? Probably when I was a baby. She’s one of dad’s friends

When was the last time you saw 3? April when she stayed in Barcelona for a couple of days

Have you and 4 ever gotten into trouble together before? Me and dad? Nah

How old is 5? 28

Have you ever taken a shower at 6’s house? No.

Have you ever taken a dump at 7’s house? christ, almost definitely

Have you ever thought about going out with 8? No, but we made out in a bar like 5 years ago

What about 9? No

Would you ever go out with 10 or ask 10 out? Soz bro, but no

What’s the best memory you have had with 1? We’ve actually only met once in person

What’s 2′s lastname? Lewis

Would you ever take a bullet for 3? Yes, I would take it off the table and walk over and give it to her. Taking a bullet for her.

What would you do if 4 died? Cry

What would you do if you found out 5 killed someone that you were related to? Well first of all I’d be super pissed.

Would you take care of 6 if they were sick? Hmm probs not

Would you kill 7 if it was the only way for your other friends to survive? I couldn’t do that.

Has 8 ever cooked for you? We lived together for 3 years so probably at some point I’ve eaten something he cooked

How many times have you and 9 fought? Never?

Have you and 10 ever cried together? Only over how adorable mass effect characters are

Have you and 1 ever kissed? No

Do you ever dream of 2? No

Is 3 a boy? No.

Does 4 have any kids? well... me, for one.

Do you want to marry 5? There was an in-joke amongst our friends for quite a while that we were already married

Are 4 and 5 friends? No. They met once and Joh drunkenly cried about how he hated my dad bc he said something homophobic. Joh also had no memory of this the following morning.

Who is 6 going out with? No idea Is 7 a boy or girl? I think the best answer to this would be... no? What would you think if 8 became your stepbrother/sister? I’d be cool having him as a brother

What is a random fact about #10? He was once part of a viral tumblr post because he and his younger brother used to look very similar and they had the same profile picture (of the brother) for a while. I was actually there when that photo was taken. If #3 said they were in love with you, what would you say? She is in love with my netflix shirt Is #4 hott? *vomits all over the keyboard* Who is #5 best friends with? Meeeee. jk we’re close but I doubt I’m his best friend. Does #6 have good fashion sense? Yes. I always feel like I just crawled out of the sewer when I stand next to him. Then again, each item of his clothing probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. Is #7 single? Yes Would #8 and #9 make a cute couple? A cattle farmer and a vegan? I don’t see that working out too well.

#other potential titles:#I really have no desire to get sand in that region #I hear fried crickets are pretty good #A cattle farmer and a vegan?

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kasrk · 7 years

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━ hey guys, it me, a nic - park doha enthusiast, giant monbebe, and loona lover forever. i’m back at it again at rk with this girl right here. yes, i am sure you’re asking if i’m crazy and the answer is yes. i decided to give rookies another valiant attempt because i was missing this muse a lot lately, so here i am after maddy was talking to me about the rkzoo event lol.

kasper muse hasn’t changed all that much but to give myself some peace of mind AND to save some confusion, i’m probably going to start her over on relationships besides a few of the key ones [ she’s still dating aron, still bffs with eunae, etc. ] if you would like for us to keep our old connection, just dm me and let me know. c: you can use tumblr ims, or i have a writing twitter that you can add if you prefer that.

now, when i say kas hasn’t changed all that much, she still has gone through some development in her time away from rk so check under the cut for some plotting details. c: this is definitely recommended if you’re new to rk and interested in plotting with kasper since she’s a bit on the odd side uvu keep in mind that there are quite a few triggers under the cut so this is your warning before reading ;;; but if you’d like to plot with kasper, just give this post a like <: this post is queued bc i’ve got work this evening but i’ll get back to you asap.

kasper went through a lot of trauma when she was little because her little brother was kidnapped. there was a lot of self blame in that, and it led her family to fracture. her parents are still together though they might as well not be; her mother is an art curator and travels a lot - hence, kasper’s fluency in three languages, since she took kas with her everywhere. then there’s her dad, who she’s closer to and enjoys spending time with more who taught her a lot about computers.

likes video games. a lot. she’s practically addicted to the internet and games, but you didn’t hear it from me.

she spends some time online under an alias and tries to catch online predators. that’s a thing. think chris hansen and his team rip. she knows this is dangerous [ not to mention potentially illegal ] but she also doesn’t care / is tired of people getting hurt.

extremely talented in hapkido. a 5th dan black belt, which is the highest skill level for her age range. mostly started the courses as a means for self defense at her mother’s request, but actually grew to enjoy it and is now probably quite lethal.

has an issue with lasting relationships. she’s got a lot of self doubt, self blame, and guilt issues - plus a fear of commitment, so it’s hard for her. she usually allows her friendships to die out, and puts an end to romantic relationships rather quickly. she would rather see them end herself while they’re considered “ good” rather than losing them and be left with a bad taste in her mouth.

aron is a huge exception. she’s allowed a lot more of her walls to come down with him because she’s only viewed the relationship as temporary anyway, considering he’ll probably be debuting soon.

wears masks. a lot. like, expression masks, not actual masks. she’s really hyper, happy, peppy on the outside but it’s mostly a ruse so people don’t poke into things that they shouldn’t. not a lot of people really know anything about her. people don’t really even know what her full name is, but they don’t realize because at the time, it /seems/ like they’re good friends. it’s only later that they realize she’s practically a ghost.

she found out recently that her brother actually died not long after being kidnapped ... not through the normal means [ her parents ] but through the news. it was a huge blow and she pulled away from everyone because of it, including aron.

currently has a lot of issues that she’s struggling with, but her mask is breaking. one minute she’s seemingly put together but the next minute she’s detached and disassociating.

doesn’t sleep unless aron is around. barely eats. her bf is helping her a lot rn, but he can only do so much - especially because he can’t be with her all the time. ): she’s struggling, pls help her.

#rkplotcall #meep i don't even remember tags #is that right? idk anymore rip

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arediscoveryofself · 6 years

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I rarely talk about men, or guys. And the only men whom had won my deepest respect and heart, are my brother and father. Hardly any other man comes close to them.

My dad, illiterate in English, but he talks to me history every now and then. I always thought I'm similar to my mum, only to realise i was wrong during the Europe trip.

The first day in Berlin, we sat in the Starbucks at Berlin Airport. I went to get coffee and tea for us, only to see my dad journaling away as he jots down his exhilarating emotions. I look at my dad, and realise, maybe we're really so similar.

Taiwan 2013, it was the first time our family went to a country beyond China and SEA. God knows why, but I insisted on going to museum to see things that I know yet dont know. But my dad clearly knows way more history than me, so he patiently guided me and told me the story of Song Sisters. That explains my love for history.

My brother, persistent and persevering, he deserves all the A+ deans list and prestigous internships.

Then comes you.

May 2017, we met, at AMK Hub, wanting to do competitor analysis for a restaurant that we worked for. You were different from all other guys that I've met. At the top of AMK Hub, you shield me away from the children riding animals cars, for fear of them bumping into me. At the food court, when I'm so used to ordering and buying food all by myself, you insisted that I sat while you make the order. You didnt bother finding out what to eat,but just bought 2 set meal at the chicken rice stall.

"What did you want to drink? "

I said my favourite drink of all time, "Teh o bing"

But auntie somehows made teh bing instead. But i drank it anyways and you told me, that i'm different because i dont make a fuss out of big things, unlike any other girls you've met.

I shook my shoulders because i didnt know what to react, because this is me and i never make a fuss out of small things. But i too, wanted to reply, "you're the most diff guy I've ever met."

We took the covered walkway to Cheng San, with my lap top in my tote bag, sling over my shoulders. You told me, "Dont use this kind of bag, its bad for your shoulders."I smiled and continued walking.

"Eh do you want me to carry it for you? "

I said nope, because i never like people carrying things for me.

I had a feeling that you would wish me luck for my first day of internship which was the very next day. And you actually did. You sent me a clover emoji and I asked you why. You said, "it represents good luck". And from then onwards, 4 leaf clover became my lucky charm.

In that instant, I knew you're different and this friendship is going to be different. Internship and CCC got me so tired, sleeping at 12 am and later almost every day, but I'll always make it a point to text you on the pretext of Bliss. And you'll always rush me to sleep, just like how my mum did.

I harboured hopes, hoping that things would turn out to be something beautiful. I know, i was threading on thin ice, but I continued to harbour hopes. I hate this uncertainty, and I hate having butterflies in my stomach.

Then comes June. I wanted to put all these romance and butterflies away, but one night, I lied down on my bed, and suddenly gazillion thoughts went through my head. About how you felt, how you thought. I really wanted to sleep, because i knew, i cant text you like how a friend do. But when I shut my eyes, a voice told me to love you, like how i'll love a brother in christ.

So I typed the longest message to you ever. I put away my phone for i fear the reply.

The phone lit up a few seconds after, and you said, "i've never told this to anybody. How did you even know?"

I dont know how to explain the existence of God to somebody whom is a non christian. But i ended off with saying, " I know we share different faith, but just know that, you have a god above, who truly loves you for who you are."

My heart broke when you replied, "No offense. But i believe that christianity is not for everybody."

I try to tell myself that its ok, its truly ok. We can just be friends. But how do you thread the thin line between friends and more than friends. To catch the fish market at Jurong at 12 am was an excuse, I simply wanted to find excuses to go out with you. You didnt know I sacrifice cell for you, but i happily did it, cause you were a gem to me.

God somehow knows the way to my heart. While waiting for the bus at the ulu interchange, you made your way to an eatery, and shove the water bottle down my bag. "See, you dont have water with you again."

That moment, I told God, "what do you want me to do now?"

We were stopped at the fish market, because of cameras, but somehow, you smoked out some reasons and we got in. And you said the manliest things ever, " later if anything, just say I initiated this photoshoot."

I got captivated at the killing and cleaning of fishes, while you waited patiently and paved the way for me, for fear of me slipping and falling. Then I knew, you were the most caring man ever.

I really wanted to clarify our relationship, but I lack the courage to do so. So that night, we went home separately.

God is truly humourous. That August, i won the competition and got offered full time job at a fin tech company and i know it is truly by God's grace and His grace alone. So I knew, that I cannot be tgt with a guy who is non christian. And that time, you told me that you were seeing another girl. So I didnt reply to your text at CCC final when you wish me luck.

But caring and meticulous as you are, you wished me all the best on 21 August, the night I was due for Netherlands.

The butterflies came back again, but soon, our convo died just like how it was always shortlived.

I never initiated any chat, and it's always you, who would asked me who am i doing in netherlands. To the extent that you airflown my favourite cereal to my apt. The postage cost $75, a considerable amount to a guy who is on bursary and part time jobs.

I wanted to return the favour, but you insisted no. So i relented. But we stopped talking, as we always did.

Then came November, you knew of the refugees flooding into Netherlands due to a hurricane, and checked up on me. I asked God again, "why. Why."But in my heart, I'm secretly happy that you did.

Just when I thought its over, you wished me happy new year, 7 hours before 12 am because I was in France and you were in Singapore. We revived our chat history.

"So 2 Feb you're coming back?"

I said yes.

"Anybody going to pick you up?"

"i dont know yet. my dad's working, if not i can just cab back home."

"If not i go fetch you. Its a saturday anyways."

"No, dont come."I replied. I never like the idea of you going out of your way for me, because we werent anything.

"But i live near the airport."

No you dont. You live in freaking serangoon and not pasir ris.

But the conclusion was that you didnt have to come because my bro would be coming.

I couldnt understand whatever that was going on, and I felt that you were stepping over the boundaries of a friend. So I asked Vanessa what should I do. After all, shes the only friend that have met you.

She told me to clarify our relationship. So I did it, without any fear because I know, that we can still be friends no matter what.

And true enough, you said, you only treated me as a very close friend because nobody can understand you like i did. Surprisingly, I didnt seem too sad. And i slept peacefully that night, knowing that i've got a closure in my heart.

But things, continued to be in a grey area.

2 Feb 2018, I came back. And you texted "Are you back in Sg?"

Being the mischievous kid that i always am, i said, "Nope, stuck in Qatar due to weather circumstances."

I sensed in your tone that you're worried sick. So I played along and told you to not worry because Doha Airport provides proper accommodation.

Then I knew the joke was kind of out of hand, so I relented and said I'm happily lying on my bed.

But you seem to have forgotten the dim sum treat that you're supposed to treat me. And I didnt want to cause any unnecessary butterflies and fluttering of heart, so I stopped texting you.

Yet, i dont know what has gotten into me, in May, i told you to meet up. Because I want to meet you as a friend, and I wanted to see if i have truly moved on.

So on hari raya puasa, we met at old airport road. For all the cheap and good local delights. Then you handed me a really bitter herbal drink and you said, "Nah, you forgotten to bring water again right?"

My heart fluttered for you again.

We ate so much, my stomach was bursting and I suggested walking to Stadium to chill.

As dramatic as it was, I played with the shadows and I tried imagining us holding hands. You kept making sure I drank up, so much so that i really wanted to puke.

You already had a girlfriend, but you told me that the conversation you had with me that very night, was more than what you had with your gf for the past 2 weeks. I told you, that you should prolly talk to your gf to clarify things and to improve on your r/s. You somehow werent interested because you seem to be resigned to that fate.

That moment, i really wanted to tell you that you deserve a better girl, but I didnt because I didnt want to be a third party.

That night, we sat over looking kallang river. Hearing the waves that crushes against the man made beach. You told me that you wanted to be a police.

"Wow. To change the nation?"

"Not so noble. I just want to change the things around me."

"And because I am not interested to be in those tall buildings out there. It doesnt seem to have a meaning."

We both looked at the CBD that you're pointing to.

"What a man." I whispered in my heart.

That night, we shared. We shared so much that i know, I'm gonna miss this night.

We bid goodnight, and we never talked again.

I knew, that only on my birthday, would we rekindle our conversation. And true enough, you wished me at 3 am on my birthday, and told me that you wanted to wait till 12, but you gave into the zzz monster.

I took the chance to ask you out, as a friend, to catch up on life.

You said sure. so I was eagerly waiting for the day to arrive.

But the weekend before, I met van, and told her about all these things. And i actually told her that I'm thinking of cutting you off my life, for I cant handle this weird feelings anymore.

Van said, "Maybe god purposely intertwine both of your lives, not for romantic reason. But to spread your positivity to him.Why cant you talk to him just like how you talk to me and just ask deep questions like how we always do."

Then i realised I cant. You've always treated me as a close friend, but you were never a friend to begin with. I've always treated this r/s gingerly and carefully.

I knew that you only had a few shirts to wear, so I've alr got plans to buy you 2 uniqlo oxford shirts that week to pass to you on wed. But you told me that you had to OT, so we had to cancel our plans.

I heaved a sigh of relief silently, and then I realised, i've viewed this friendship and outing too seriously.

We have yet to decide when is the next outing going to be, but till then, my eyes continue to look at the man's section whenever I see a uniqlo outlet.

People are so curious about my future boyfriend,but how and where do I even begin telling this story.

One night, at a rooftop bar carpark, an intern shared my woes. And he said, "people like us, who rarely gave our hearts away. Once we did, its just too hard to move on."

I've honestly met so many god fearing and eligible men this year, but somehow, I'll always compare them to you. Nobody is as gentlemanly as you.

Writing this, not because i've let you down, but i'm trying to close this chapter. I'm trying to tell myself to move on, to start a new chapter.

And hopefully, the next time we meet, i can really meet you in a capacity of a close friend.

Thank you for the past 1 year 2 months, J.

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yelena94-blog · 8 years

Text

friendship

Have you ever thought about the number of true friends that you have?

Have you ever received a stab in the back by a false friend?

Have you ever betrayed your friends?

Do you believe that friendships for life are there?

What about male-female friendships? Do they really exist?

I'm often naive and easy to trust people, that is why I think I have a lot of friends and I'm ready to do everything for them. :D such a naive girl :D but no matter, when they betray me, in the end, I'm ok because I did not do anything bad. I hate when things got changed during the night, when someone who was there for you all the time just disappears, just like that, and forget all good times which you shared together. Things like that are always a bit painful for me. I belive in friends for life. I belive in male-female friendships.

I'll mention some of my friendships, I'm so happy that I know those people and have them in my life. :)

Almost 16 years is old my longest friendship :) Marija Denic, my friend from school. We don't talk that often but from time to time checking on if everything is okay. I really appreciate that friendship. She was really quite girl in school till the time when she started to spend more and more time with me :D hehe my mom used to say that I made a bad girl. I remember our competition in 5th grade on mathematics classes, who will be better and who will solve task faster :) anyway, I'm so proud of her, she studying Pharmacy and she is very successful and good student :)

My 11 years old friendship is with Jelena Petrovic :) such a lovely girl!! Missing her a lot. Last time I saw her I'm not sure but is like 2 or 3 years ago. With her, I pass many important things in my life. She living in Italy and she was coming to Serbia once or twice per year. I was always happy to see her and so sad when she needs to go back. We both cried every single time. We are not that close anymore but she will always be my friend!! people are often thinking that we are sisters :)

8 years friendship I have with Milan Ilic. He is my first real male friend. I cannot describe with words how much I love him! We had really amazing time and I missing that time a lot!! I'm looking forward to seeing him soon. I remember when we went to do tongue piercing together, hilarious :D also for his first tattoo :) many many memories .. Missing you Pika <3

only 1 year friendship but feeling is different with Jarol Vasquez Olivares :) My latino friend, originally from Peru but all his life lived in Spain :) we were roommates in London :) had such a great time together .. I'm so happy coz I can call him my friend.. so thankful :) Jarol, puto, I missing you <3

one more friendship for only 1 year but feels like is longer, Maja Zemun. We met in Doha, Qatar. Had truly incredible 2 weeks there. She visited me for 5 days in Bahrain and that was also great :) Bajo we will meet soon, I know ;) <3

I must mention one more person, is less than a year how I met him, Zain Qureishi. He is someone who really deserves to be called real friend!!! Thank you, Zain for everything!! We met in Bahrain, and I really cannot imagine my life there without him!!

So, that are my 6 people, my real friends!! Thank you guy for being in my life!!! I'm available for you anytime!!!!!! Love you a lot!!!!

Thank you for reading :)

Best regards!

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