#anyways funniest in hindsight situation has got to be

[thatwasthenightthingschanged]

does anyone else just have random flashes of memories from your childhood every now & then which make you go "ooooh so that too probably made me feel like this bc I'm queer"

[ordinaryschmuck]

Bob's Burgers Halloween specials ranked

(Because screw it, why not?)

11. Tina and the Real Ghost--This one's more awkward than funny. I honestly feel bad for Tina for falling in love with an empty box...and grow to hate Tammy for being so petty to steal the box away from her. Even the B-Plot of ghost hunters in the restaurant isn't all that funny. Honestly, the funniest bit is when Bob's unexpectedly swarmed with bugs after a brief moment of cockiness. Other than that, pretty weak episode.

10. The Wolf of Wharf Street--PROBABLY the most irresponsible Linda's been with the kids and Bob believing Teddy's a werewolf was a bit of a stretch. Still, some spooky atmosphere carries this one a bit, so I can't hate it THAT much.

9. Apple Gore-chard! (But Not Gory)--There need to be more episodes with Louise and Jessica. Their friendship is easy and cute in a lot of moments. Anyways, as for the episode, it's pretty standard. Some REAL Halloween stuff doesn't happen until half way through and the jokes aren't all that funny. There's barely any attention on the lesson, making it feel more like a waste of time if anything else. It's just Louise and Jessica's friendship that carries things if anything else (Seriously, MORE of that)

8. Pig Trouble in Little Tina--A great episode about peer pressure and with a fun subplot about Bob's gross ear wax. It's just that none of it screams HALLOWEEN to me. There's some spooky imagery, but a lot of this episode feels like something that could happen in ANY episode, especially Bob's subplot. Great episode, but not so great of a Halloween special.

7. Heartbreak Hotel-oween--This one's cute. That's all I can say.

6. Teen-a Witch--Tina trying to be a witch is more cute than it should be, even if the jokes aren't strong with this one. Thankfully the subplot of Bob obsessing over who's stealing his jack-o-lanterns is funny enough to carry it.

5. The Pumpkinening--Weird title, but it's an episode with Gayle. They're naturally weird, and this one's no exception as Linda and Gayle hunting down who knows that they smashed pumpkins from a contest. Add that with a warm ending and a great subplot of Bob dealing with the stress of being a house with GOOD candy, and you got something fun.

4. Nightmare on Ocean Avenue Street--The kids hunting down a candy kidnapper is fun and Bob and Teddy trying to show up an impressive handyman has some good laughs to it. Solid special.

3. Full Bars--It's always fun seeing the Belcher kids use their brand of chaos to do something good. The only thing that drags it down is the guinea pig murder mystery. Some good jokes are there, but I can't help but cringe as Teddy ruins his own party and the payoff isn't all that funny. That credit scene where Bob danced in the fat suit for Linda was cute as shit, though.

2. Fort Night--The introduction to Millie, and a great one at that as she tortures the kids who are in a situation that's...way more dangerous than you think in hindsight. They really were that close to death, huh? Still, a pretty empathetic episode as we all know there's no worse fate for a kid than missing Halloween and you REALLY want them to get out. And I'm sure some parents can relate to Bob and Linda's plight to make a costume for their kids and the payoff for this one is pretty good.

1. The Hauntening--A genuinely creepy and intense special for this show, where the jokes don't take away from the scares but add to them. This really feels like how these characters would react to a horrifying situation, making you fear for their lives even more. And even the big twist in the end doesn't ruin the episode, but adds to it, showing how much this family cares for each other and how much they'll do to make one of them happy. They might have gone a LITTLE far, but it's in that gray area where you can accept it. Being sweet and spooky is no other combination you can get from any other show except for this one, and I love it.

And that's all. Well, for now. Season 14 hasn't had its Halloween special yet. It's probably pulling a Simpsons and waiting until November for some reason. And I'm not waiting until then. This is the Halloween Special on MY blog, so there. Happy Halloween.

[ephemeral-afterlight]

Day 27: Ransom

(Protect those you love), prepare to leave it all behind.

Whumptober 2019 Day 27: Ransom

Word Count: 2161

Relationships: Intrulogical

Warnings: Kidnapping, physical violence/weapon (knife), blood and injuries, mentions of torture, threats of non-con to another character, vulgar/explicit language, mentions of drug usage/bad parenting/death of a minor character (not a side), cursing

A/N: hmm... i don't really know what to think of this one, to be honest. it feels weird to write right now, since i'm a bit sick, but i don't know. maybe it's not as awful as it feels like it is. who knows. anyway, have this shit. i'm not really a huge intrulogical shipper, since i don't actually ship remus with anybody (i hc him as aro), but logan fit so here we are.

It’s pretty cold here. Remus knows that being kidnapped and held hostage in a basement however far below the surface isn’t a particularly forgiving situation, but couldn’t his kidnapper give him a blanket or something? It’s too fuckin’ cold for this! And it’s weird, because the guy seems pretty warm himself despite not even wearing a jacket or anything, just a t-shirt, and it makes Remus a little jealous. Remus is always cold, but this place just makes it worse.

He doesn’t even know why he’s here, either. He’s not special, doesn’t stand out, isn’t known for any notable actions or anything. He’s just a simple guy, a dude who lives in a shit apartment and works two jobs in fast food and bartending. He’s pretty common, in society’s eyes, so… why is he here? 

The blow to the head had been delivered from behind, just after Remus has gotten into his apartment after work. It came when he least expected it, which is so not fair, because he would have loved to fight the guy. Have a fun old-fashioned full-out brawl in his living room at two in the morning, show him what he’s got. It could have been a fun end to his shitty night, but no, of course the guy had to take the coward’s way out and avoid the fight completely. What a fucking bore.

Now, sitting here tied to this chair in the middle of the room, Remus doesn’t even really feel the pain from the big knot on his head. There’s better things to worry about, like “Am I out of milk?” and “Will I get back in time to catch the season finale of the television show I’ve been following since the premiere?”. Besides, injuries are nothing new to Remus, having grown up playing only contact sports, so a little bonk on the head is nothing compared to the evenings he’d come home from practice or games with welts and bruises littering every inch of his skin. Before she died, his mom would freak out over the blood and cuts on his arms and legs, but then he’d give her a toothy grin with multiple teeth missing from being knocked out, and she’d just shake her head and clean him up. His mom was super cool, before she became a druggie and too busy fucking whoever was closest to come home and take care of her kids.

Anyway, Remus still doesn’t get why he of all people had to have been kidnapped, because it’s not like he’s some important figure or in any sort of position of power. He holds sway exactly Nowhere, and therefore isn’t exactly the ideal choice when stealing someone from their home for your own gain. Whoever this guy is, he’s kind of a dumbass.

“Listen up. You’re gonna sit here, smile into the camera really pretty, and you ain’t sayin’ a word unless I tell you to. Got it?” the guy demands as he sets up a tripod, and Remus just snickers. His kidnapper gives him a withering glare as he settles the camera into the correct spot, and then walk around to the other wide to line the shot up the way he wants it. “What’s so funny?”

“Just wonderin’ what the video’s for. Who you gonna send it to, my dead grandma?” Remus asks, licks his lips with a grin as he wiggles in his seat. The ropes around his wrists are tight, but definitely loose enough to slip out of if he pulls hard enough. Remus gets to work using his sharp fingernails to slice through through the rope one strand at a time, to try and reduce the circumference and be able to slide it far enough through the knot that he’ll be able to just yank his hands free. Remus guesses that all those years of putting up with Roman’s boy scouts phase weren’t a complete waste.

“Nope. You got a brother, it’s goin’ to him,” the kidnapper replies with a sneer. He’s finally finished setting the camera up, presses a button to start it rolling, and the red light begins to blink. Remus raises an eyebrow as the kidnapper settles back slightly further from the tripod and pulls out a stack of note cards, and it’s with a barely contained giggle Remus realizes that he had to write his speech down.

“Proof of life,” the guy says into the microphone with a much deeper, more gruff voice than before, and it takes so much effort to not burst out into raucous laughter. “If you want your poor little brother here back to you alive, you’re gonna leave no less than 200 thousand in a bag at the address provided. Unmarked bills, no cops. You leave the money, and then you get your ass out of there. If you call the police or try to pull any tricks, little bro here is gettin’ a bullet to the face. Once I confirm the money’s clean, he’ll be dropped off somewhere within walking distance of help, alive. You have three days. If that money still isn’t with me by the time midnight rolls around come Saturday, he’s dead.”

The kidnapper presses a button on the top of the camera and the red light stops blinking with a little click. Just in time, too, because Remus busts out into uncontrollable laughter as soon as the camera stops recording. His lungs and chest hurt with how hard he’s laughing,  but he can’t stop, and the offended, angry look on the guy’s face just makes him laugh harder. 

“Stop fuckin’ laughing!” his kidnapper snaps, but his voice cracks at the end, and Remus is in tears. It’s pretty predictable when the guy rushes him and punches him in the jaw, knocking the rest of his breath out of his lungs in a pained wheeze. Remus barely has a moment to recover before the guy’s fist is buried in his gut, forcing a hacking cough from Remus’ throat. He wants to keep laughing, but now it hurts like a bitch to even breathe, so maybe staying quiet for now is the best option.

“I said I’d bring you back alive, not unharmed. Don’t fucking push me,” the guy growls maliciously, a cold glint in his eyes as he reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a switchblade, flips the knife out in a way that shines the metal’s reflection of the light in Remus’ face. How annoying. The kidnapper presses the knife into Remus’ throat, in the same spot he’s had tracheostomies performed when his airway was blocked, and the feeling of smooth, sharp metal just centimeters away from his trachea is almost comforting in its familiarity.

“Fuck you,” Remus responds hoarsely, spits as much as he can and it lands on his kidnapper’s chin. Remus knows he’s going to be pissed, knows the fallout will be painful as fuck, but he can’t really seem to bring himself to care. He doesn’t regret it, either, not even when the guy yells out in anger and slams his fist into Remus’ stomach again. He doesn’t regret it when the guy mutters something about teaching him a lesson, he doesn’t regret it when he replaces his switchblade with the bigger chef’s knife laying on the shelf in the corner, and he certainly doesn’t regret it when the guy returns with a sadistic grin.

Remus will brag about what happens next for so, so long after he gets out of here, because it’s the funniest shit he’s ever done. The disheveled man brings the knife to Remus’ chest and pushes the blade into his skin, slowly slicing it open as the fresh cut forms a bleeding slash. But Remus doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t even yell from the pain. He just moans, one that isn’t of fear but rather high-pitched and obscene, a mockery of sex that leaves him barely able to hold onto the laugh that wants to push past his harshly gritted teeth. “Harder, daddy!”

And that’s probably the last straw, because the end of the cut turns much less clean in the guy’s lividity. The blade presses deeper into his skin, draws more blood and elicits more pain to radiate from his chest, and it takes more effort than Remus would like to not cry out. As much as he doesn find real humour in this situation, he can’t really afford to die here, so staying the dominant, unafraid personality to this man who obviously fears a lack of control is important. He can’t show fear, because that will just bolster the guy’s confidence and keep his head clear enough to not make mistakes. However, if he’s upset and feeling undermined, his anger will cause him to slip up, and allow Remus the opportunity to turn the tables on him. It does sound easy in hindsight, but slacking off won’t help any, so Remus focuses in on burying the pain below a layer of numbness.

“You know what? Maybe I won’t send it to your little brother. Maybe I won’t return you at all. Maybe, I’ll just keep you here, tied up so you can only sit there as I torture your little boyfriend,” the kidnapper seethes, and his eyes narrow as an even more deranged smile slips onto his face when Remus stiffens uncontrollably. “What, that hit a nerve? You scared for your little boy toy? What was his name… Logan, right? I know where he lives. And I’ll steal him from his bed, bring him here and force you to watch while I slice him up. Maybe I’ll make you watch me fuck him, take care of him better than you ever could, hmm? How about that? Want me to fuck your boyfriend for you? I saw him, y’know, a cute little nerd with glasses. Nice ass, skinny waist… he’s almost like a girl. Maybe I’ll keep him for myself, after I kill you, fuck him every single day while he just cries for his poor ol’e Remus.”

No. No, no, no no nononono. How dare he?! You can do anything to Remus. You can threaten him, make fun of him, torture him, and he’d laugh in your face. But this guy has the fucking nerve to bring his boyfriend into this? No. Unacceptable. This isn’t-- fuck.

And Remus knows he should stay calm, not let his words get to him, but…he knows Logan’s name. And apparently, where Logan lives. What if he does take Logan, does hurt him while Remus can’t even do anything about it, helplessly tied to a chair? What if this guy hurts his baby, hurts his Logan, and Remus could’ve prevented it? It’s far too easy to imagine Logan’s eyes filled with fear, the attempts to stave off tears, muffled cries of pain. All he can see in his mind is Logan traumatized, and for the very first time, the thought of sex makes Remus feel sick to his stomach.

So with an enraged snarl, Remus yanks his hands free from the flimsy rope keeping then locked behind the back of the chair, and then lunges. He relishes in the surprised yelp, the angered fear in his eyes, the way he scrambles to fight back far too late. Because he’s pinned under Remus, and once he’s got someone in his grip, he isn’t letting go. For probably too long, Remus just sits there, beating his kidnapper with shaking fists. The man fell unconscious a while ago, hasn’t been a threat for minutes, but Remus doesn’t have any other way to take out his frustration besides sitting here on top of this guy, pummeling him to hell and back. Eventually, his arms fall limply to his sides, and Remus’ eyes dull as he slouches over. His breathing is light and trembling, and there’s a feeling welling up in his chest that he doesn’t understand, can’t pinpoint or identify. His legs feel like they’re on fire when he pushes himself to his feet, burn when he sways a bit in an attempt to keep his balance. 

Remus doesn’t know where he is, or how far he was taken from his home, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what Remus has to go through, because as he climbs the ladder out of this cellar and emerges in a long, dark hallway, he knows. He knows as he trudges to the end, as he whips open the door on the other side to reveal an alleyway. He knows as he gets to the road, recognizes the bakery across the bustling traffic, and when he turns in the opposite direction of his apartment. He knows when he sees the green sign at the intersection, sees the familiar name of Logan’s street, when he approaches his apartment complex. He knows that Logan’s going to be okay, because he’s going to make sure of it, and Remus vows that nobody will ever be able to threaten his boyfriend ever again.

[catsafarithewriter]

“Not to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m ninety percent sure you grabbed the wrong person." 

A/N: I immediately thought of this post with this concept a la haunted house attraction, ironically before we started discussing Disney’s Haunted Mansion on Discord. Anyway, human AU (for reasons that will be clear), enjoy!

x

This was the last time Haru would let Hiromi talk her into something. 

“It’d be fun,” she’d said.

“Different,” she’d promised.

“Exciting,” she’d wheedled. 

So far, the only point Hiromi had been right on was different. If she had included dark and cold, she would have had three for three. 

In her designated nook of the haunted house attraction, Haru lurked. She was rather good at lurking, she reckoned, and would be capable of lurking for a good few hours longer. Which was just as well, since that was what this summer job was paying her to do. 

She resisted the urge to scratch her nose. The face paint itched something awful and hadn’t lessened, despite what her supervisor had assured. A monochromatic design of black and white had sunk her face into skeleton outline; simplistic but effective in the gloom of the corridors. At least she hadn’t had to apply the fake sores and open wounds that Hiromi - albeit rather gleefully - had needed to administer.

The shuffling of feet and shushed voices announced the arrival of her next victims. She hunkered down into her shadow an watched as the guests - a young couple with the guy making a show of going first - rounded the corner, waiting until they were just passing before giving a pointed cough. 

The lights flickered, momentarily illuminating her face and its otherworldly makeup, and there was a scream as the guests fled onto the next corridor, dissolving into giggles as they vanished. 

Haru couldn’t help herself she grinned as she returned to lurking. Okay, maybe Hiromi hadn’t been entirely wrong. It had its fun moments. 

x

This was the last time Baron would let Louise talk him into something. 

In hindsight, admittedly, the haunted house attraction would probably have been a little more enjoyable if he hadn’t taken it upon himself to stand between Muta and Toto in their group lineup. If anything, it had forced the two to shout louder at each other. 

“And I’m telling yer we’re going the wrong way!” Muta snapped. 

“It’s a haunted house. There is no wrong way,” Toto retorted. 

“If we keep going this way, we’ll jus’ end up at the beginning.”

“Do you have fluff for brains? Obviously the entrance is that way.”

“Children, children,” Persephone chided from the front. “Right now the scariest thing is how loud you two can bicker. Shut up and let the ghosts do their job.”

Louise tilted her head back to shoot them a glare. “Also we’re leading and we’re going this way.” 

Baron decided against mentioning that he had already seen one designated scarer, but they’d raised an eyebrow at the raised voices and had evidently agreed with Persephone’s assessment. 

They turned a corner and the corridor dropped into deeper darkness. Their pace slowed, senses heightening in the absence of sight. Suddenly he was aware of his hands curled around Muta and Toto’s, the shallow breaths of his companions, the shuffle of feet, the tap on his shoulder–

He froze. Muta walked into him. Toto was pulled to a halt. 

“What’s the holdup?” Muta hissed. 

“Something tapped my shoulder,” Baron whispered. 

The lights flickered into momentary blaze, but all he could see were his friends and the crossroads in the house ahead. His sister gave a tug and issued them slowly along. 

“At least it was polite ghost,” Toto offered. “It could be worse; it could have actually tried to scare us–”

The lights flickered again and everything happened at once. A shape leapt from the darkness, a blur of movement, the face of death, the roar of something animalistic and feral, and Baron lost both hands of his companions. In the passing light, he saw the others scatter down the split corridors like something out of a Scooby Doo skit and he grabbed Muta’s hand and hauled the tailend of their team after the vanishing shadow of Toto. 

He slammed into a dead end. Okay, maybe it hadn’t been Toto. He leant against the wall, still holding Muta’s hand on instinct, breathing hard and feeling a little foolish, when he realised a few discrepancies about the hand he held. 

For starters, it was significantly smaller, palm fitting comfortable in his instead of dwarfing it, the fingers slimmer and less comparable to sausages than usual. 

It was also wearing a skeleton glove. 

He looked at the hand. And then slowly up to its owner. A skull stared back. It grinned, because skulls are always grinning, but he was fairly certain, even in the dim light, that he could see the corner of the scarer’s real mouth twist into a smile. There was the shadow of a dimple along their left cheek. 

It occurred to him that if he could see the dimple of their smile, he was probably too close for comfort. He tried to step back and immediately hit his head on a low beam. “Uh,” he managed eloquently. “Hello.”

“Hello,” the skeleton replied, the voice higher than expected and now he could definitely hear the smile. “Not to be the bearer of bad news,” she said, “but I’m ninety percent sure you grabbed the wrong person.” 

x

Haru felt a little bit bad for her overreaction. 

Not a lot. But a little. 

She had been planning to only tap a few shoulders, cough a few times, maybe lurk in the light - but at the dismissive ‘actually trying to scare us’ comment, she’d - without any real conscious thought - decided to up it a notch. Or several. She hadn’t imagined it would go down so well. 

Or that, in the confusion, one of the guests would grab her hand instead of their friend’s. She stared at him in the confines of the dead end, feeling rather confidence with the mask of her face paint. 

“Not to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m ninety percent sure you grabbed the wrong person.”

He grinned nervously. “Only ninety? What about the other ten?”

“I don’t know. You might have a thing for cute skeletons.”

“I might, but I don’t.” 

A beat passed. They were still standing intimately close. 

“So,” he said, “what do we do now? Is there a precept for this sort of thing?”

“Well first,” she answered, “you let go of my hand.”

“Ah.” He released his hold, running his freed hand sheepishly through his hair. “Sorry. I… don’t suppose you could get me back to my group, could you?”

“Do ghosts go boo?” She cringed almost immediately after saying that. “Sorry, I’ve been here too long. Yeah, uh, please hold.” She stepped back, hitching a walkie talkie from the depths of her costume. “Machida? Machida, you there?” She held it away from her ear as a cacophony of laughter crackled through the speaker. “Machida, stop laughing!”

“I’m sorry,” her coworker replied. “I’m so sorry, but you should have seen your faces!”

“Trust that to have been caught on camera,” she muttered. Louder, she added, “Machida, I’m looking for this guy’s group. Can you tell me where they are?”

“Sure, give me a moment.” There was the clack of keys as he cycled through the cameras. “Two guys, two ladies, the guys have been bickering for the past ten minutes?”

“That’s them,” Baron said with a sigh.

“Got them. Okay, they’re in Room F, the zombie cage.”

“Fantastic. Have Hiromi keep them occupied, I’ll drop him off there.” She flicked the speaker back into her pocket and turned to her accidental companion. “We could go the long way, but I have a shortcut. How do you feel about tight spaces?”

“Depends on the context.”

“In a totally non-murdery-way.”

“Oh. I’m good then.”

“Great.” She grabbed his hand before she could think twice, and pulled the hidden staff door open. “Follow me.”

x

Sickly green safety lights lay low along the staff back corridors, bathing the narrow walkways in a glow that made Baron think of preserved museum specimens. The scarer wove her way though with practised ease, as if she wasn’t surrounded by a Frankenstein-background reject, hand still curled surely around his. 

“You can’t scare easily if you work here,” he said, searching for something to break the silence and detract from the creepy environment. 

She gave a snort. “I’m not actually a huge fan of horror movies. I didn’t sleep for a week after watching The Signalman.”

He watched her outline silhouetted by the safety strips. Like that, it was easier to see the curve of her face and bypass the skeleton decal. “They why do this?” he asked. 

She shrugged. “It pays. It’s different. And my friend kind of talked me into this.” She glanced back. He focused on her eyes and not the skull design. He wondered what she looked like without it. “How about you? Are you a fan?”

He chuckled. “It’s not my preferred genre. My sister dragged us all along, but I’m fairly certain she just wanted an excuse to hold her girlfriend.”

The scarer laughed. “Does she need an excuse?”

“No, but she’s an opportunist. She’ll take any opening.”

“And so she dragged the rest of you along.”

“She has a penchant for that.”

“Apparently it’s a family trait,” she said, and Baron reddened at the reminder of what had got him into this mess to begin with. 

“Miss, I am sorry for–”

She waved it away. “Honestly, no worries. It’s the funniest thing to happen to me all day. And it’s Miss Skeleton to you. Ah, here we are.” She clicked to a halt by what appeared to be another section of wall until she slid it back to reveal a haunted house room beyond. “Your group should be just round that corner.”

His feet didn’t move. They should have, but they didn’t. “Miss Skeleton,” he said with a small smile at the amendment, “regardless of your good humour, I still feel somewhat responsible for this situation.” He considered. “Ninety percent responsible.”

He saw the grin now for sure, even hidden beneath the layer of makeup. “And the other ten?”

“Well,” he said, “you are the one still holding my hand this time.”

She released him with a sheepish aura. “Just making sure you get back safely. Didn’t want you accidentally befriending another monster while you’re here.”

The open door waited for him, but he still didn’t move. “May I know the name of the monster I’ve already befriended?”

“Was Miss Skeleton not good enough for you?” she teased, and she gave him a gentle push out into the room. But before the door slid shut, she hesitated. “But my friends call me Haru.”

“Humbert,” he replied. “But my friends call me Baron.”

She grinned. “I’ll see you around, Baron.”

[rorykillmore]

so it’s  @mystoffelees birthday today and i wanted to write them a fic for their favorite pairing, ruby/grodd!!!

no just kidding, i figured there was no better way to honor the occasion than to write something for the most batshit character dynamic we’ve managed to acquire over the past few months. so here’s a little denny fic for ruby and villanelle that takes place following the Weiss Barely Survives Chernobyl catastrophe of june 2019.

happy birthday hunter!!! i know we’ve technically known each other a few years now (which is insane) but i’m so glad we’ve had the opportunity to write & chill together more these past few months. you are genuinely one of the funniest and kindest people i know and a consistently moving, evocative, and talented writer and i am so glad you wrote ruby rose well enough to convince me to plunge into hell and experience rwby for myself. i have no regrets. except for every time we do a sad rp. and every time i remember cinder exists.

enjoy your birthday and this fic, you deserve it!!!

“Who are you here for?” a kindly old woman tries to strike up a conversation at one point.

“My two children,” Villanelle replies without skipping a beat.  “They are very sick and probably dying.”

She hopes she doesn’t jinx anything by lying, but really, the way it stuns the old woman into devastated silence is too entertaining to pass up.

Villanelle has never been the biggest fan of hospitals.

It’s a little crazy, maybe, that an assassin who has killed people in all kinds of ways should be bothered by the sick or injured. Compared to how unfazed she had been by the task of checking over Weiss’ burns outside, she supposes the mood that’s overtaken her now has more to do with the hospital itself; with the strange, clinical, gloomy stillness of it all. It itches under her skin, makes her restless. She much prefers it when dying people just... get on with it already.

But hospitals are just waiting, waiting, waiting. Nothing you say or do or threaten the doctors with changes anything, and short of holding one of them down with a knife to their throat, she’s not sure how she is supposed to go about getting a goddamn update on things.

(And that idea probably won’t make the girls’ recovery any smoother, so she abandons it reluctantly.)

So she’s reduced to sulking in the waiting room, scrounging for ways to entertain herself and trying not to think about the tears in Ruby’s eyes or the pain in Weiss’ voice. 

( “Who are you here for?” a kindly old woman tries to strike up a conversation at one point.

“My two children,” Villanelle replies without skipping a beat.  “They are very sick and probably dying.”

She hopes she doesn’t jinx anything by lying, but really, the way it stuns the old woman into devastated silence is too entertaining to pass up.)

Finally, just when she’s starting to run out of ways of terrorizing the room’s other occupants, a nurse enters and calls for her. 

“It’s mostly good news,” she informs Villanelle with a reassuring smile. “Their burns are... severe, especially Ms. Schnee’s, but they’re already starting to heal more quickly than what we’d consider to be the normal rate. Is that a special ability of their’s?”

Villanelle hums in vague confirmation, waiting for the ‘but’.

“Right now we’re mostly just worried about the risk of shock or infection, so we’re going to keep them a few days until the window of danger has passed, and until they heal up a little more. But after that, they’ll be free to go. Will you be taking them home?”

“They have family coming to pick them up. Blake Belladonna and Yang Xiao Long; they should be their emergency contacts from last time.”

“Ah... yes,” the nurse confirms, glancing at her patients sheets.  “Well. Ms. Schnee might be a little groggy for visitors just yet - we’re medicating her for her pain - but Ms. Rose is awake, if you’d like to see her.”

The prospect makes Villanelle a little wary, all their unresolved baggage like a shadow in the back of her mind. The alternative, she reminds herself, is leaving Ruby alone until Weiss feels better or the rest of her team arrives, and if Villanelle dislikes hospitals, she imagines that Ruby must hate them at this point. So she allows the nurse to lead her to the recovery room, and even steals one of the rolls of stickers sitting on the waiting room counter on the way. At least they might brighten up the damn place a little.

And Ruby’s room, it turns out, certainly looks in need of brightening. As she knocks briefly on the side of the doorframe, Villanelle tries not to linger on the bare, empty walls or how small Ruby looks sitting upright in bed, her injured arm now carefully wrapped in bandages.

Ruby shifts cautiously to face her -- and then her eyes widen in unmistakable surprise. “Villanelle!” 

“Yes, I know. Finally. They kept me waiting outside for ages; it was not my fault.” She rolls her eyes dramatically as she strolls into the room, pretending not to realize her staying at all had ever been in question.

“You didn’t have to wait, you know.” Ruby points that out anyway, her voice a little softer, not... lacking gratitude, but still earnest. Villanelle merely shrugs.

“Blake and Yang were out in Port Royal somewhere, but they will be here once they rift-hop back through Metropolis. Sun and Penny are coming tomorrow. I told them it was late, and you would probably be cranky.” ‘Cranky’ had not been the specific word she’d used, but she thinks maybe Ruby might enjoy the teasing.

But Ruby’s expression falters a little -- and Villanelle reminds herself that she’s fresh off accidentally scalding her girlfriend after some kind of fight.  Perhaps ‘cranky’ had not been the best choice of wording, in hindsight.

True to form, of course, Ruby smooths the moment over anyway and offers Villanelle a gentle smile.  “Thank you,” she says, careful but sincere, and then pauses.  “...I know I already said that, but I mean it. Thank you. Again.”

Villanelle inclines her head slightly to one side, and decides to answer Ruby by sitting down in the chair next to her hospital bed and pointing conversationally at her bandaged arm.  “How much does that hurt?”

Further taken aback by the sudden change of subject, Ruby glances down at her arm. “Oh, um. Not so much now that they’ve treated it! I... kind of got off easy.” Compared to Weiss, Villanelle is sure is how Ruby’s ending that thought in her head. She makes sure to give Ruby a flat look to communicate how little she believes her.

“That is not how I’d describe it, personally.” The only reason Ruby had been burned at all, after all, is because she had shielded the blast in an effort to protect them. Pretty in line with her character, Villanelle figures. And she always seems to get hurt because of it.  “Here, look. Let’s at least make your bandages prettier.”  

She peels off one of the stickers - a bright pink cartoon heart -  reaches over, and gently sticks it to the back of Ruby’s bandaged hand, where she remembers the burns being minimal. She’s quietly delighted when it has its intended effect, and Ruby lets out a surprised giggle.

“What is that? Where’d you even get those?”

“They were just kind of sitting there on the front desk, and nobody was using them, so... I took them,” Villanelle explains, completely indifferent to Ruby’s dawning exasperation.

“Villanelle!” she chides. “You stole stickers from the hospital?”

“Please, they have made so much money off of you and Weiss at this point, stickers are the least you should be getting in compensation.”

Once again, her flippant remark doesn’t quite land. Something in Ruby’s smile dims and she averts her gaze, picking idly at the blanket. “...Yeah. I guess I haven’t done a very good job of keeping us safe.”

Villanelle wishes, sometimes, that she was the kind of person who knew the right thing to say in situations like these.  “Blaming yourself is a waste of energy, when you could be spending it on being angry on the people who actually did this to you,” she points out. Ruby looks startled - and maybe a little uncomfortable - so she quickly adds, “Or on loving your girlfriend, who cares about you very much. Are you still fighting?”

She still doesn’t know what they were fighting about in the first place, though the few tidbits she did overhear gave her an idea.  

“No!” Ruby answers quickly, wide-eyed. And then she bites her lip.  “I mean -- I hope not. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her since we came in. Have you seen her yet?”

Villanelle shakes her head. “They don’t want her having visitors so soon.” And, so as not to make Ruby worry even more, she adds, “It’s just the morphine they’re using to keep her comfortable, it makes her very groggy. The nurse said she is okay. I’m sure your sister and Blake will be able to find out more when they get here.”

Ruby seems to relax fractionally, and Villanelle feels her own anxiety ease a little. It is so stressful, worrying about other people. She wants to ask about the fight, or about Ruby’s eyes, even though she knows those subjects will be stressful for both of them too.  

But what she says instead is,  “Weiss won’t blame you. You will figure it out.”  And then -- “I’m sorry.”

Apologizing is something she still needs practice with, but she tries to show that she means it. She doesn’t know if Ruby would have wanted or needed her help, or if it would have changed anything, but it feels as though she could have done more than simply keep her distance.

Ruby stares at her, her expression clouded by too many emotions at once for Villanelle to pick apart before they’re gone.  Then she swallows hard and shakes her head.  “There’s so much we still need to talk about, Villanelle. I just -- there hasn’t really been --” 

“I know. And we will talk.” Villanelle ignores the way the promise puts her the slightest bit on edge even as she makes it. “But a hospital is a really shitty place to have a heart to heart. It would make me feel like you were dying, or something.”

Besides, she still hasn’t figured out what to say. Sometimes she puts words together in her head that don’t ever make it out of her mouth, like I’m still here if you need me, or  I wish I knew how to love people better. Her heart aches with all the things she doesn’t know how to say, a little more every time something like this happens.

But Ruby - despite everything - trusts her word and nods, her expression still edging on uncertain but a little softer now, as if the promise of later has reassured her.

Villanelle, naturally, seals it by taking another sticker from the roll (a smiley face this time) and pressing it right on Ruby’s cheek. Ruby snorts out another laugh in spite of herself, and Villanelle leaves the roll on the bed.  “You keep these. You’ll need something to entertain yourself with.”

“You know leaving these in my hands is dangerous, right?” Ruby asks, her eyes sparking with their old mischief for the first time that night.

“I’m counting on it,” Villanelle tells her very seriously, only a slight upturn of her lips giving her away. Then she straightens as she hears the door open behind her, half-expecting to see Yang or Blake or one of Ruby’s other friends -- but it’s only a man in a white coat, the kind doctors so frequently wear in hospitals.

Or that scientists wear in laboratories. 

Villanelle feels more than sees Ruby tense just slightly beside her.

But the doctor only smiles at them kindly, glancing once down at his chart. “Ms. Ruby Rose?” he asks for confirmation, and when Ruby affirms with a tiny nod, continues, “You put in a request with your nurse to have some tests done on your eyes. I’m here to take you for the preliminaries -- just a quick scan to make sure you’re not in any immediate medical danger.”

Ruby pauses for a fraction of a second. Villanelle has no doubt that it’s the danger posed to the other people in the hospital, not herself, that has her swallow back her trepidation and agree confidently, “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”

“Your... friend can come with you, if you’d like?” The doctor suggests diplomatically, glancing questioningly at Villanelle.

Ruby looks at her too, her eyes holding the very same question, though Villanelle thinks Ruby would never ask her to come. Ruby is supposed to be able to handle these things on her own. That’s what she’d say, anyway. Villanelle thinks of the dimly lit GRACE facility, the windowless cell, the sterile smell of the whole place, and shrugs loosely at both of them. 

 “It’s not like I have anywhere more important to be.”

And she doesn’t, really.

[adambstingus]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164620778542

[samanthasroberts]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

[allofbeercom]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/