#anyways i feel like ive been living in such chaos the last semester and now im resetting and its good but also im worried

[kethabali]

yall.. ive been gathering up energy since the semester ended and i finally cleaned out my fridge today.. there was over 20 dishes to wash and a 30 gallon trash bag filled completely i also broomed and mopped my room and the kitchen and wiped down the counters

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

actual reflection lmao

nov 6.2019.$$ coming i can feel it

-Mind & Mentality -thoughts, feelings, triggers, patterns

oh the everlasting up and downs, i cant decide or know what is actually going on in this brain of mine. how frustrating. In the past few months i havent been to conscious of my thoughts or feelings if im being honest. which is something im currently working on. 

on mentality, i realized i complain and talk shit alot and that im a perfectionist. we’re not judging here but we are changing. 

-Health/substance use/drink

eh i love pills, but i also love being sober. i went ham on xans in the past few times, probs why i dont remember anything that happened the first half of the semester. anyways, ive had the debate in my head about the mental dependancy so yeah.

-Self Esteem

yeah, emotionally being mature is hard. looking at social media was not a good move for me, i  questioned my beauty so many times after looking at that post. i have also in the past few months have had image issues, im still trying to figure out where these came from, i think mostly bc most if not all of my friends are skinny. 

-Finances/Wealth $$

ugh. i spent way too much on dumb ass shit, i learned i need to manage my money better and change my perspective/relationship on money. i am abundant and have always been taken care of in the past months. 

-Hobbies

-Emotions - anger, frustration, happy, sad, joyous, react vs. respond

-Work -

-Romance -

shawn and i relationship was extremely complex and messed up in so many ways, i met him at the wrong time and i feel strongly in my heart we were supposed to meet in this life. for now, we dont speak. I was mean to him and he would diminish me. Taking me back 3 times showed a lack of respect for himself and his self worth, and it showed how cruel i could be. its indescribable and im not sure what to call it. i loved and still love him and hate him equally. but i made the right choice by sending him the letter to let me be and grow. That was the best decision. i let you go with love. i had so much resentment and bitterness towards him that was not healthy for me, like holy shit. not okay. but i forgive myself and let go with love

dog boy, oh what an obsession. it was lust, lust, lust. I have to be very careful. I went 100000 full throttle on this in my mind. we had almost nothing in common, he was pretty boring, yet i continued to lead him on for ego’s sake, it was my choice to let him go out of the circle to focus on myself and it was also another great decision i made!! In retrospect, i should have spoken up for what I wanted because I had every right to, i went to ny to see him god damn it. but also in retrospect there is no way any romantic relationship wouldve been picked up as i am living my life. i keep the door slightly open with this one, tiniest crack. the obsession was a mess, it was messing with me every single day, that is ridiculous. the things i did and said to try to make this work was silly. i forgive myself and let this go with love. 

watch my lust, 9/10 its lust  

-Spirituality- affirmations, prayers, meditations

i have been out of touch with my spirituality and i feel like thats something that does keep me grounded ina weird sense. 

-Family-mom/sister nan and tio

being around tio meme and nancy, makes me so comfortable and makes me feel at home. In the past 3 months i feel like i have bonded with them significantly and with emily too. they are my rock. as far as my immediate family, i love them but i cannot be around them. the semi fight on my bday was so much, i think we all just misunderstand each other and after years of chaos, we dont know how to communicate with one another. I also realized in the past few months, i do in fact want a family of my own, we can leave this vague bc its just an idea. 

-Career

is my passion. end of story. we in that hoe baby

-Social Life/friendships

july, jac gossiping on me. to be honest, i should have seen this coming, but i didnt pay attention, she was pretty manipulative with other people and good at it, kudos. very artistic and creative. I still cant tell if our friendship was real or out of convenience and even worse, im hurt she moved on w that girl as friends so fast!!!  Lesson: don’t trust your friends with secrets and smell out the snake in them, it shows

in the past few months, i havent been keen on going out in large crowds, I am not sure why, its too many people? 

my new friends are great, i am happy i made the steps and efforts to develop friendships with arabella and alana. they are great inspirations and supports into becoming the woman i want to be and will be. we’re alll very different and similar and i like that, i like that they challenge me to think outside of my box. i have enjoyed and immersed myself in feminine energy. 

i love alex. we went through so much in the end of LA, i learned alot about myself as a friend and continue to do so

briney i love briney, she keeps me afloat and hopefully i do the same. our relationship in the past months has strengthened. 

and lastly i realized i care too much about what people think which is so dumb but we’re working on it. no judging 

lesson: Be grateful and prioritize quality time with those i love and cherish 

-Lifestyle

idk if this goes under this category, but i realllly realllyyyyyy played myself this last semester with my priorities, i cant even recall what i did the first half of my semester. I learned it causes me stress and we take preventative steps here at shuco inc. 

THERES SO MUCH MORE BUT I WILL CONTINUE LATER 

[clockworkmoose]

mmmmnnnnnyh personal work related fuckery

I function best when I can make repetitive schedules or plan for events far in advance. I’ve got agendas and notebooks and calendars and agendas and notebooks... to the point where if something is sprung on me and I’m not given enough time to properly draft a resolution to modify the plans, take it to the council, put the motion to a vote...

my snap response is to get really testy and panicky and I default to this thirty second breakdown of COOL! GREAT! WHY DON’T WE JUST CANCEL ALL THE PLANS!!! WIPE THE BOARD CLEAN! NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING! TIME IS A CONSTRUCT AND THE FUTURE IS CHAOS! I’M THRIVING!!!!!!! before I can wrestle myself back to “no, we can do this now, this other thing can be moved to tomorrow, it’s no problem, just pencil it in.”

And I know I do this and that it really stresses me out so I really try my best to, first, plan things out properly in advance so I know what’s upcoming and it’s not a surprise, and then, second, also be communicative with people about what events and plans might get tossed at me so that it’s not a total surprise when it’s tossed at me.

So I’m sitting here today, trying to make the schedule for the second half of March for my two employees and myself.

One of my employees has a full time (30+ hours) job, and is a part time student. Last semester, she worked Monday-Wednesday-Friday evenings after her classes, and then Saturdays (10 hours a week). And she liked this schedule, so for an entire semester the schedule was consistent for her, me, and my other part time employee.

This semester, in early January, she informed me she was going to have a late class on Tuesday and Thursday, and requests Wednesdays off. So the first two weeks of January pass with her working Monday-Friday-Saturday (8 hours), and then she comes to me and says she’d like her Saturdays off so she has a day for homework, and can she work Tuesday or Thursday instead of Monday and Friday so she has time for extracurriculars at school?

But here’s the thing. She is in class until 7:45, we close at 9 on Tuesday-Thursday. After driving, she would have a 1 hour shift, and I would have 10 hours. And with the way she arrives to her shift and then immediately launches into stories and she does not shut up even if you rudely tell her you need her to be quiet you’re literally on the phone with a customer and can’t listen to her jabbering on about writing a screenplay (that is already so good hollywood’s going to be salivating to turn it into a blockbuster) about a giant colonial era cotton plantation and also someone gets murdered while her brilliant centuries-ahead-of-her-time self insert that everyone calls “yum yum dog food” makes references to the modern year and takes over running the plantation, but there’s no slaves in this story because she doesn’t want to deal with writing about slavery as it would ““““““put a damper””””” on the story?????......... Rant-ception, sorry.

It takes me so long to tell her what needs doing that I would end up being there almost until 9 anyways trying to disengage from her and get out. And I do not want to. I tell her that’s not going to work. She understands, so she asks if instead I can schedule her only 2 days a week.

So for the next two weeks, I schedule her Friday-Saturday only, and I work a 9 hour day on Wednesdays so that my other part time employee isn’t working Sunday-Thursday every evening in a row. And then she comes back and says that 6 hours? Not enough paycheck. Can she also work Wednesdays? And Fridays?

So. 10 hours. Her original schedule. More than the 8 that was “too much.” I schedule her that for ONE week, anticipating it’s going to be “too much” and SURE ENOUGH yes it is. And she comes back to me asking if I can give her less hours again. Either week days or week ends, but not both. She is officially dubbed wishywashy.

At the same time, my other employee who has thus far not caused me any problems has requested Saturdays off (she has since she began working for me and it’s been fine) and maybe some weekday morning shifts instead of evening shifts so she can spend time with her girlfriend in the evenings. And so far this employee hasn’t caused me any stress or grief and although I don’t really want to work evenings either (I hired both of them for nights and weekends specifically!) I’ve already been working evenings to cover other employee’s too-many-hours-not-enough-hours wishywashyness, so sure, I can work on accommodating that.

So now I’m looking at the schedule for March I’m trying to make. 

I’m obligated to work on Saturdays, that’s part of my position.  And if I give wishywashy employee just weekends, that means I don’t get a day off during the week, I work 6 days straight, and my good employee has to work every single weekday, 4 out of five being evening shifts. And she loses her Sunday shift that she enjoys working. If I give wishywashy employee just week day shifts, she can only work Monday-Wednesday-Friday (which was “too much”), and good employee has to work Sundays, evenings on Tuesday-Thursday, and Saturdays which she would prefer not to work. And either way, this is ringing a little too much like punishing the employee who does a good job to reward the employee that does a bad job, and that doesn’t sit right with me. (Found out from last job the reason I never got the backup help I asked for was that I was too good at my job, and the lazy person who took over my position immediately got backup to make the job easier, so wtf! Uncool!)

So I’m sitting here stressing out over how I’m going to juggle the schedule to appease someone who just CAN’T be appeased and changes her mind every single week about what she wants... and I’m realizing I haven’t had a consistent weekly schedule at any point in January or February. I’ve had to work on what should have been days off and I’ve been working anywhere between 3 and 11 hour days, and right now, working 14 days in a row without a day off.

Which is explaining a lot???

I haven’t been able to properly plan out anything or anticipate my schedule and have just been in a general sense of anxiety for weeks now and did not realize just how much battery power it takes just to be stressed. I haven’t had the social energy to chat with or hang out with with anyone since the holidays because I’ve been dancing around what’s going to work for a part time employee so much I’ve completely neglected what’s going to work for me? I think I’ve logged into discord maybe five times? Haven’t drawn since December, haven’t done fantrolls or RP in as long, and pushed back three of our weekly dnd games just because I wasn’t feeling up to DMing or talking to friends? And was debating just straight up not going to our weekly trivia game because time is a construct and the future is chaos who even cares that trivia has been well established and consistent for almost 2 years, fuck the whole system!!!

And holy shit, now realizing the cause of my general withdrawing from everyone and everything that’s supposed to be stress RELIEVING is a huge relief in of itself? I still don’t have any sort of consistency going in to March, but at least now I know why I am struggling and failing and can properly attribute it to a cause rather than just feeling like I’ve fucked up somewhere and can’t function properly as a human being.

And for the second half of March, I’m going to start scheduling what’s best for me, and if wishywashy can’t handle her shifts, that’s going to be her problem to solve, not mine.

4 more weeks of this though.... fuck me for making the schedule in advance so my employees can plan their lives out in advance rather than throwing it up the day before the week begins lmao!!!!!!!