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themurphyzone · 4 years

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PatB Nova Ch 6

Ch 6: Eccentricity

AN: Loved some of the PatB shorts more than others (You know my eternal hatred for THAT one). But that’s a story for another day. I’m sticking to the 90s versions of these characters though. For now. I might have a gander at the reboot versions someday. You never know!

Ch 6 FFN Link

April 22, 2015! Narf! You’ll never guess what happened, Mickey Mouse. I met the Brain! Well, I’ve only known him for about four months, or less than two days, depending on how you wanna look at it, but if anything happened to him, I would make myself watch Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender!

Tomorrow, I’m going to the mall and buying a hat. Can’t root for Farfignetown (I have to ask her how she spells her name!) at the Derby without a super fancy hat!

Love,

Pinky.

PS: Tell Minnie I said hi!

o-o-o-o-o

Pinky stepped back to admire his handiwork, the tip of his blue glitter gel pen pressing under his chin as he leaned against it. He did his best to copy Brain’s messages, but he was probably gonna have to write only the first letters only in the future. He didn’t want to take up the entire calendar page again.

His ears twitched at a scraping sound behind him. The sparkly gel smeared against his fur as he turned around, leaving a blue streak across his chest. Egad, if he continued to cover himself in the stuff, he’d look just like one of the Blue Men!

Brain pushed a heavy textbook across the counter, finally stopping underneath a light panel on the ceiling. Then he flipped it open, climbed up, and began to read.

It wasn’t the same book he’d started reading after they’d shaken hands to seal their new friendship either.

“Whatcha reading, Brain?” Pinky asked, slinging the gel pen over his shoulder. “I thought you were reading about jeans! So, find anything good? I think I like the flare type best. Skinny jeans make me chafe.”

“I have no idea what you’re blathering about, Pinky,” Brain said, not looking up from the page he was on. His head shifted from side to side as he read on, and Pinky imagined a giant, fluffy marshmallow making the same movements.

His stomach growled, and a marshmallow dinner sounded heavenly. With cheese fondue and rainbow sprinkles and a light dollop of whipped cream on top…

Wait, no, no. The kitchen didn’t have Gruyere cheese! Processed American cheese wouldn’t provide that proper creamy texture at all.

What kind of host was he? Unable to serve proper cheese fondue to his alien guest?

Then Brain hopped off the book, growling to himself as he pushed up on the hard cover and the few pages he turned. The pages slid into place, but he wasn’t tall enough to get the cover to close the entire way.

“Do you need help, Brain?” Pinky asked. He dropped the gel pen and grasped the cover’s edge, but Brain smacked him sharply on the wrist, forcing Pinky to let go. Pinky flicked his wrist, and the sting quickly disappeared.

“Don’t patronize me! I can get it myself!” Brain snarled. He pushed on the cover again, and it rose a couple inches in the air, only to land against his fingertips. He growled and spread his feet, jumping as he pushed on the cover once more. This time, the cover slammed into the pages with a heavy thud. “Your sources of information are woefully lacking with your livable yet rudimentary conditions. Penumbra had a much better database, and it’s been dilapidated for a long time.”

Pinky had no idea what dilapidated was. Probably something to do with laps though.

“Oh, well if you need more reading material, I’ve got just the thing!” Pinky said, motioning for Brain to follow him over to a tiny side table where all the magazines were stacked. “Let’s see, we’ve got Vogue, National Geographic, Reader’s Digest…ah, here we are! This one’s my favorite out of all the Zoobooks! Lots of pretty horses to look at. Zort!”

Pinky thumbed through the magazine until he found his favorite page, which had gorgeous art of a white horse running on grassy hills. “This one’s my favorite,” he said as he pressed the magazine into Brain’s hands. Brain nearly went cross-eyed just trying to look at it, but he held out his hands and pushed the pages back until they weren’t so close to his face. “I named her Pharfignewton after Pharfignewton! Isn’t her mane just the flowiest thing you’ve ever seen?”

“Including or excluding your mind in that comparison?” Brain asked. He closed the magazine and set it on top of the stack. “Your choice of reading material is peculiar, but I suppose brushing up on this planet’s ecology wouldn’t hurt.”

Pinky grinned. “If you think those are good, remind me to show you David Attenborough’s work sometime! His documentaries are amazing!”

Brain tilted his head, his antennae bobbing with the motion. “You’ve mentioned someone named Pharfignewton multiple times. An acquaintance of yours?”

“She’s not a quail, Brain. She’s a horse, of course!” Pinky laughed at his little rhyme. “Oh right, I’ve never showed you pictures of her, have I? Where are my manners? Anyway, I left them in the cage. It’s right this way! Or left this way. I can never tell which.”

Pinky ran back to the cage and squeezed through the bars, Brain trailing behind at a much slower pace. As Pinky slid his right leg through the bars, he realized just how dirty the cage was. There was a small puddle by the water bottle, and straw was scattered all over the place. Crumbs littered the floor around the food bowl, and his wheel had a stain shaped like a pomegranate.

It just wouldn’t do at all!

“Sorry for the mess!” Pinky called to Brain, who was watching him curiously from outside the cage. “I didn’t know I’d be having a visitor today!”

But Brain didn’t seem to care about the mess. Instead, he prodded the locked cage door.

“Nicholas and Mr. Button, you’ve gotta wake up and help me clean!” Pinky said, shaking them frantically from where they were tucked into the straw. “Narf, you two were up talking late again, weren’t you?”

They were too asleep to respond though.

“Okay, well, I’ll let you sleep for now, but tomorrow I’ll be going over proper cagesitting behavior with both of you,” Pinky sighed. He carefully rolled up the photo of Pharfignewton he kept near the straw bed, hugging it close to his body as he slipped through the bars again.

“Pinky, those are inanimate objects,” Brain said, bending a paper clip until it was completely straight. He poked one of the sharp ends and winced. “They won’t respond to you.”

“They’re real life objects, Brain. They’re not animated,” Pinky said. “Whatcha doing with that paper clip?”

Brain pressed his ear against the cage door, carefully maneuvering the paper clip into the lock. It slipped a quarter of the way in before Brain yanked it out again, his eyes darting around the room as if something would swoop down on them.

When nothing happened, he went back to inserting the paper clip. “Nothing to disable here. There’s no alarm system on the door,” Brain said, turning to Pinky. “I thought you were squeezing through the bars to avoid triggering it.”

“I’ve never had an alarm before. Do you think I should get one?” Pinky asked. “Just so nobody tries to burger my wheel or water bottle? Hmm, what would a burger with those ingredients even taste like? Not very appetizing, probably.”

Brain only stared at him, the paper clip almost slipping from his hand in surprise. “Don’t tell me the only reason you haven’t used the door is because you can’t unlock it.”

Pinky nodded. “Okay. I won’t tell you the only reason I haven’t used the door is because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to unlock it.”

Shaking his head in dismay, Brain reinserted the bent paper clip until it was halfway in, then turned it clockwise (or was it counterclockwise? Pinky always got them mixed up).

“There,” he said, letting the door swing open. “Now you can enter and exit as you please like a civilized mos.”

“Egad, that’s brilliant!” Pinky stepped inside the cage, then back out. In and out again, and again, and he almost started dancing the Hokey Pokey, which would’ve been a whole lot of fun, but Brain still hadn’t seen Pharfignewton’s photo!

Now that was a real tongue twister there!

“This is Pharfignewton, Brain! Isn’t she pretty?” Pinky asked, pressing the photo into Brain’s hands.

The photo had been taken two weeks ago, when her owner had hired a professional to photograph Pharfignewton as she sprinted around the field. Pharfignewton had given Pinky her personal favorite, one that showed her hooves flying through the air and her gorgeous mane streaming in the sunlight. She was having the time of her life, and she couldn’t have picked a better photo to give him.

“There’s certainly an uncanny resemblance,” Brain admitted. “And the size discrepancy between you and her is incredibly blatant. Not to mention the species difference.”

Pinky crossed his arms. “Oh, don’t be so intolerant, Brain. She’s big cause she’s a horse, and I’m small cause I’m a mouse. But we make it work.”

Pharfignewton would be gone for the next two months, possibly more when she achieved the Triple Crown. It would be lonely, but he could manage.

“You mentioned she was far away when I interrogated you.” Brain set the photo down, smoothing out a corner though it didn’t have any wrinkles.

“She’s still on the road to the Derby, I think. Can’t really get in touch with her though. Phones are kinda tricky with hooves, you know.” Pinky said. “She’s wanted the Triple Crown her entire life. So that’s why I gotta make a giant hat and root for her when she races!”

“I don’t understand how a hat factors into all this,” Brain said.

“Zort! I dunno,” Pinky shrugged. “You can’t have a Derby without horses, hats, and My Old Kentucky Home. Otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a Derby then, would it?”

Brain folded his arms. “I’m currently debating if I should take your words at face value or not. Your customs make no sense whatsoever.”

Pinky thought they made perfect sense, and cents, and all of the five senses really, but his stomach growled and that thought was soon forgotten. Brain never had Earth food before, had he?

Definitely a job for a genetically altered Earth mouse to show him the ropes!

But first, Pinky had to clean the gel off his fur. It was starting to clump into spikes, and that wouldn’t do at all.

o-o-o-o-o

Pinky rinsed himself in the sink, sticking out his tongue to lap up some of the cool water as it trickled out of the faucet. Thankfully, the gel hadn’t settled into his fur and was very easy to wash away. And flicking the water around the sink with his tail was loads of fun too!

Brain stayed on the outer rim, pulling on the stopper and handles by the sink out of curiosity. He edged closer to the stream of water, almost touching it with a gloved hand, but decided against it. But he wouldn’t stop staring at it either, like he’d never seen water in his life.

Maybe he hadn’t?

The moon was made of cheese and not water after all. Water would make the cheese all soggy and mushy and wash away the cheesy taste that made cheese so delicious.

“C’mon, Brain! Poit!” Pinky pushed his fingers together, trying to send a squirt of water up to Brain, though it missed his nose by a mile and landed on a small crumb on the slope of the sink instead. “The water’s just fine!”

“I’ll have to decline your offer, Pinky,” Brain said. “My information about water is rather lacking, and I’d rather not cover myself in a substance without knowing more.”

“I guess water would leave the moon cheese not very tasty to eat, huh?” Pinky asked. He braced himself and shot out of the tiny waterfall, and he was very glad for all the focus he’d put into leg exercises recently, because his running start was enough to get him over the rim on his first try. “Well, all you need to know is that water is wet, it splishy-splashes all over the place, and it’s fun to play Marco Polo in!”

Brain didn’t look convinced though. He removed one of his black gloves and touched a puddle, rubbing the water between his fingers curiously.

Pinky turned off the water, then dried himself off with a fluffy towel. He double checked his chest to make sure the gel was completely gone and patted down his fur.

“This way, Brain!” Pinky called, jumping off the counter and onto a spinny chair. The seat twirled around for a bit, making him slightly dizzy, but it was all in jolly good fun. Brain carefully climbed down, gripping the drawer handles and moving slowly. He slipped on the last handle and landed awkwardly on his right leg. He grimaced for a moment, his nose scrunching up rather adorably. “Blueberry bagels and cream cheese, here we come!”

“Your sustenance on Terra, I assume?” Brain asked. He followed Pinky through a corridor and into the kitchen, his large head turning every which way to take in all the sights of ACME Lab. Now that it was daytime, there were more colors than just shadowy blue. Pinky wondered if Brain would try to name the colors he saw. Pinky tried once, but there were just too many pretty colors streaming in from the window pane above.

“They aren’t consonants, Brain. They’re delicious and all, but they wouldn’t fit with the alphabet. A little bit of a mouthful, don’t you think? Poit!” Pinky climbed up the cherry-print towel hanging on the refrigerator door like he’d done a million times before. He braced himself against the fridge door, pressed his legs against the handle, and pushed with all his might, feeling that familiar strain of his stomach muscles.

The door opened with a satisfying pop. Breathing heavily, Pinky tumbled more than he climbed down the towel, landing on the cold floor of the refrigerator.

“S-surely there has to be a more e-efficient way to open a door than your method.” Brain’s teeth chattered together, his ears flattening to avoid the sudden chill. He took a few steps away from the open fridge, his arms folded in front of his chest. “Is it a-always this cold?”

“Oh, I haven’t even opened up the freezer! If you think this is cold, you’ll really feel like a mousesicle in there! But it’s worth it if you wanna get to the strawberry ice cream with the cute little mini spoons! Maybe some other time though. Right now, it’s important to get a daily serving of cheese!” Pinky exclaimed as he pushed two small tubs of cream cheese from a middle shelf. They each landed on the floor with a thud, and Pinky jumped down and retrieved them, closing the fridge door behind him with his foot.

Brain sighed in relief as soon as the door was closed, his arms dropping to his sides.

“They keep the blueberry bagels by the bagel warmer,” Pinky said as he led Brain out of the kitchen and into a room that had been marked with a yellow and black caution sign. The bagels were so delicious they even had to warn everyone to take caution! “Oh, now that’s a tongue twister. Blueberry bagels by the bagel warmer. Boobelly beige by the baguette warmer...oh, that’s a toughie. I’ll work on it.”

The bagel warmer was an oddly shaped toaster, with lots of wires and bulbs sticking out along the sides and top. It even had a conveyor belt running through it, but Pinky thought it made this toaster really unique among toasters. Why, he’d even been toasted in this toaster himself! Though it wasn’t as much fun as crispy pieces of bread made it seem. He just remembered a lot of smoke and electricity. And there’d been a lot of narf inside too.

Pinky set the tubs of cream cheese on the floor, then climbed up to the conveyor belt, which was propped on metallic cylinders.

“This is so much easier with two mice!” Pinky crowed. He peered down at Brain, who curiously poked at a red wire on the floor. “I don’t mind eating bagels by themselves, but there’s something about toasty bagels that just warms the heart!”

“If they’re truly that delectable, I suppose there’s no harm in trying it,” Brain replied.

“Did your file thingies say anything about Earth food?” Pinky asked. Because Brain sure didn’t seem to know much about tasty things.

Brain shook his head. “The Selenians didn’t bother with information about the lifestyles or cuisine of Terrans. It was irrelevant to their cause.”

Oh. Pinky tried to imagine being an alien who didn’t know anything about cheese, but came up blank. He’d eaten cheese and food pellets his entire life. He couldn’t imagine a world without them.

“Pinky, are you aware that machine is also apparently a gene splicer?” Brain asked, pointing to the letters along the side.

ACME GENE SPLICER AND BAGEL WARMER, it said.

“So it does. But the only things that go in are bagels and lab mice. Don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone try to splice a pair of jeans. Oh, that reminds me!” Pinky snapped his fingers. How could he have forgotten something so very important? The silly machine was on the gene splicer setting! Pinky pressed a conveniently labeled button that said ‘press here for bagel warmer setting’. How nice of the scientists to label their stuff!

He was so glad he discovered that before sending the bagels through. The gene splicer setting would’ve made the bagels extra crispy, and while Pinky didn’t mind, extra crispy bagels were a taste one had to get used to first. Nope, it was better to start Brain off lightly!

“Can you please get two blueberry bagels from the bag, Brain?” Pinky pointed to a bottom cabinet where the bagels were kept, grinning at the new tongue twister he’d come with. Egad, he was good at this! “They’re the tan circles with a hole and blue specks in them! Kinda like a donut, except without the frosting and sprinkles. Zort, Brain! You’ve never eaten donuts, have you? Oh, I am definitely making a list of foods you need to try!”

Pinky hopped onto a tall table and neatly tore a paper towel off its roll, then laid it flat on the conveyor belt. Following Pinky’s instructions, Brain retrieved two bagels from the cabinet and passed them up to Pinky. Brain still seemed rather confused about the gene splicer and the bagel warmer being one and the same. Pinky carefully separated each bagel so that he had four half-bagels with the inside lying face-up and arranged them on the paper towel so they would all be nice and toasty.

Then Pinky realized he’d forgotten another thing. Namely, that he didn’t know how to turn the bagel warmer on.

He scratched his head.

That could be a real issue.

“Pinky, do you actually know how to work this machine?” Brain’s voice sounded oddly strained. Pinky turned around. Brain was hanging onto the side of the conveyor belt, his legs wrapped around one of the metal cylinders. He’d tried to climb up himself, but his arms were too short to get a proper grip, and if he leaned over anymore, he’d fall right on his chubby head.

Pinky reached over, grasping Brain’s wrists and trying to haul him up, only for Brain to be resistant to help. He wouldn’t budge, his wrists feeling oddly tense under Pinky’s hands. His pink eyes were wide and apprehensive, pointed ears flattening against his head.

“Brain?” Pinky said. “I’m just gonna haul you up. Could you relax a bit please? It’ll be much easier.”

Brain didn’t move for a second, searching Pinky’s eyes warily. Pinky just gave him an encouraging smile. Brain looked away, his brow furrowing, but some of the tension left his wrists.

Pinky pulled him onto the railing of the conveyor belt, Brain’s feet scrabbling in the air briefly before settling firmly on the metal.

“Thanks,” Brain muttered. He walked over to the various buttons and levers, examining each one curiously.

“You’re welcome, Brain!” Pinky brought one hand to his forehead in a salute, only to remember that Brain was an honest-to-goodness alien, and probably didn’t know that particular gesture. So Pinky tried to make the Vulcan salute instead, but it was kinda tricky with only four fingers instead of five.

“This is very intriguing,” Brain breathed, pressing his face against a small closed window that offered a look into the gears and wires within the bagel warmer. “Yes, pure lithium power source, proton accelerators, and automatic anti-inertia capabilities? The use of nanoplasmic charges leaves a lot to be desired of course, but to have the rest of these things in one machine at your fingertips…”

Pinky didn’t understand anything Brain just said, but the alien’s fingers were twitching in excitement, his nose smushed against the glass. It was the first genuine smile Pinky had seen from the alien since they first met, and Pinky thought it looked really good on him. Even nicer than the jumpsuit, which was already really fashionable. “If you figure out how to turn it on, that would be really great!” Pinky grinned. Brain pulled down on a nearby lever, and the conveyor belt began to move. “Egad, brilliant!”

“The lever was labeled, Pinky.” Brain waved him off, pointing to the word ‘on’ stenciled next to him. But his head tilted up and his chest puffed out too. He seemed to like that word a lot. “Wait, you figured out the machine was on the wrong setting, but you can’t turn it on?”

Pinky shrugged. “It’s not really my type, Brain.”

“Never mind,” Brain sighed, the tips of his ears turning as red as his nose. He turned back to the machine window. “I want to observe this process.”

“Me too!” Pinky exclaimed, and he hopped over to the window, smushing his nose against it just as the bagels were swept into the machine. Blue electricity sparked and jumped all around the metal structures inside, and the glass warmed beneath Pinky’s hands.

It was a beautiful sight, and Pinky licked his lips as the bagels crisped from the heat.

Beside him, Brain watched the electricity intently, murmuring a bunch of smart words Pinky didn’t understand, but definitely enjoying the show too.

Within several minutes, the bagels gained an extremely nice golden brown crisp, and the conveyor belt moved them out of the bagel warmer. Brain pulled the lever up and the conveyor belt stopped moving, the thrum of the machine beneath their feet slowly fading away.

They weaved around long, multicolored wires as they made their way to the other side, where the bagels awaited them.

“Troz! Looks positively dee-lish!” Pinky exclaimed, poking at one of the bagels. Firm and flaky, just how they were supposed to be. His mouth watered in anticipation.

“The scent alone is quite appealing,” Brain agreed, taking several sniffs of the bagels. “I’ve never smelled anything like this before.”

Pinky grinned at him. “Oh, just you wait, Brain! The real magic is just starting!”

Sliding down the cylinders, Pinky retrieved the two cream cheese tubs they’d left on the floor and passed them up to Brain one at a time. His lower leg strength had improved a lot in the past few months, and it was easy for him to hang on while he passed the tubs up.

“Show-off,” Brain grumbled as he took hold of the second tub.

Pinky just laughed as he fetched two plastic knives from a drawer and carted them back to Brain and the bagels.

“Here you go! Bon appetit!” Pinky said. He gave one of the plastic knives to Brain, who gingerly ran his finger across the toothed edge as he examined the flat, see-through handle. “Oh, be careful with those, Brain. You don’t wanna cut yourself.”

“Not to worry, Pinky,” Brain said. “We have knives on New Selene. But I’ve never seen one with this particular material before. And much duller too.”

Pinky peeled away the cover of a cream cheese tub, drooling over the gorgeous smooth white surface inside. Brain copied him with the other tub, pulling off the cover completely. The alien took off his gloves and sniffed the cream cheese a few times, swiping one fingertip through the cream cheese. Then he tasted it.

Brain’s eyes widened immediately, his antennae perking up. He licked cream cheese off his fingertip four more times before he realized Pinky was watching him. Brain ducked his head and fiddled with his sleeves.

“That was…even better than I anticipated,” Brain admitted, his voice full of wonder.

“Aw, you don’t have to be embarrassed if you like it, Brain. I’m glad you think so, cause blueberry bagels and cream cheese is my favorite. Well, so are food pellets. And marshmallows, especially the puffy kind. And smiley face lollipops and…poit! I have a lot of favorites, it’s so hard to choose just one! Zounds, mac n’cheese too! You really need to try mac’n cheese, Brain! That one’s definitely going on the list. Anyway, if you think the cream cheese alone is good, try this!”

Pinky dipped the knife into the cream cheese. Once he got a good coating, he spread it across the surface of the bagel, took the largest chomp of the combined food he could manage, then swallowed. It went down a little rough, but it was delicious all the same.

“Scrumptious!” Pinky exclaimed. “It’s like a party in your mouth!”

Brain copied his actions again, and while he preferred to rip off chunks of the bagel and slather cream cheese onto smaller pieces, his enjoyment of the food wasn’t any less than Pinky’s. He made some funny ‘mmm’ noises in the back of his throat, his eyes closed in bliss as he worked his way through the first half-bagel.

Pinky started on his second half, licking cream cheese off his lips. This was a nice way to spend the evening.

“Brain, you’re welcome to share my cage if you’d like,” Pinky offered. “Mi cage es tu cage, you know.”

“Are you sure, Pinky?” Brain swallowed, thumping his fist against his throat to make the bagel go down. “I know we’re in a mutual partnership, but I wouldn’t want to impose in your living space.”

“You’re not imposing,” Pinky said. “Besides, plenty of unmarried people share living spaces these days.”

Brain was silent. He continued spreading cream cheese across a small portion of bagel, even though it was completely slathered at this point.

“Snowball and I were in neighboring cages. Aisam had to be housed alone because of their inclination towards territorial aggression. We had separate quarters for the journey to Terra as well.” Brain nibbled on a corner of his bagel. “Point being, I’ve never shared a cage before.”

“Sharing is caring,” Pinky smiled, finishing the last of his bagel. “Besides, it’s one more new experience for both of us. Isn’t that just dandy? I just hope Mr. Button and Nicholas didn’t leave too much a mess.”

“Very well. But we’re moving that sponge bed I slept on last night into your cage. It was much less aggravating for my back than the usual fare,” Brain said. “So…thanks for that, Pinky.”

“You’re welcome, Brain,” Pinky replied, rubbing circles into his belly, his hunger satisfied.

Beside him, Brain seemed satisfied too. And there was nothing better in all the world than sharing blueberry bagels and cream cheese with a new alien friend.

AN: OK this one’s more of a breather chapter since the last 5 were like wham bam nonstop stuff for the characters. Sorry it took so long to get this one out. Next chapter will have Pinky finally getting his hat and Brain’s first mall excursion!

#pinky and the brain #patb nova #patb fanfiction

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magic5ball · 4 years

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Nature Trail to Hell Arc II: Watt outta Hell (11)

Chapter 11: F-Bomb Teaches Me the Secret to Being a Successful Rock Star

Weird as it sounds, the weeks I’d spent in the Underworld never felt like a real punishment. There were demons, sure, and I’d been shot more than a few times, and I’d been given dinosaur feet against my will, but overall, I’d say it was still a step up from summer camp.

That all changed over the next three days. F-Bomb, Sailor Moon and I perfected our talents to a montage that would have made Rocky look like one of those videos parents make of their kid learning to walk. We worked until we collapsed. Then worked our worthless sacks of bodies until they broke down into puddles, which we’d drink for hydration, then it was back to the grind. The only one who didn’t work out was Sailor Moon, on account her leg was still a bit mangled from the flight. And F-Bomb insisting she was perfect the way she was, as usual. But that was okay, since she was only playing drums. By the time the third day arrived, we had biceps the size of footballs. All was good, except for one thing.

“You know, maybe we should have perfected our singing instead of working out our bodies.” I told F-Bomb.

“Kid, if there’s one thing pop stars have taught me, it’s that your music can be the most vapid, pointless schlock in the world, but if you have a hot bod, the world is your racquetball court.”

“But I hate racquetball.”

“Too bad! We’re on in an hour!”

. . .

If you ever go on Dailymotion, type in ‘Sailor Moon Blues Bros’. Keep scrolling down (further!) until you get to the very last option. Click on it, and you’ll see a video posted by Hellspawn47 of a velociraptor and a boy singing ‘Soul Man’. (And yes, that is what we are singing. The audio’s garbage. And don’t get me started on the lens flare!) The boy will be dressed in a tuxedo, while the raptor will be dressed as Sailor Mini Moon and wearing an eyepatch. In the background, you’ll see a Sailor Moon pillow leaning over a rusty drum set. So if you ever wonder what the heck’s going on in the video, now you know the whole story. (Also, make sure the guy is wearing A TUX. There’s a really similar one where the guy is wearing a hula skirt instead. I have no idea where the video came from, but believe me you DO NOT want to watch it all the way through! Shudder.

Anyways, for more funny videos, please sell your sou- I mean, subscribe, to Hellspawn47’s channel.)

And yes, Hellspawn did pay me to say that. Need to raise money for the physical publication somehow.)

Funny thing was, it was actually F-Bomb who got freaked out. Apparently, when you’re not on WEEB, dressing up like a cute schoolgirl in front of over 400,000,000 damned souls isn’t so much empowering as it is embarrassing. I even had to nudge him a few times to keep him from freezing up! As for me, I got over my stage fright using the good old Tostig family method of imagining everyone as Ronald Reagan. (Though slapping the face of America’s greatest president on the bodies of the Underworld’s most unsurely residents did make things a tad awkward.)

Speaking of high-ranking hellspawn, at the back of the crowd was none other than Raposa, head judge of the whole hooplah and Princess of the First Circle (though F-Bomb told me she was more like a Prime Minister). Even with the bright lights threatening to burn my eyes out, I could see her, about five feet high with spiky pink hair, getting high off a drink that was more than likely grape juice (which is considered sinfully high in sugar in the First Circle). The moment we finished singing, she was clapping so hard I’m amazed her hands didn’t fall off.

“Bravo!” She howled, strutting to the front of the crowd as they parted like the Red Sea.

CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

“Bravo! That, my friends, has to be the best music I’ve heard in ages!”

“You mean blues music? Its noth-“

“Finally, someone did a song that wasn’t pop or rap! Do you know what it’s like to hear Spice Girls for the 500,000th time? Now that’s eternal punishment!” She glared at the crowd. “And take notes, nerds! Your princess demands it!”

Immediately the assorted cretins that were the crowd started etching notes in their skin. Some even took their brains right out of their skulls out and wrote in there.

“So does that mean we won or what?” demanded F-Bomb, face red as a beet from embarrassment.

“With that gigantic biceps of yours, you could have sung Nickelback and won!”

Despite the compliment, F-Bomb looked like he was about to melt into a puddle. “I-I told you these things were mostly spectacle.” He whispered to me.

Raposa grabbed our muscled arms, lifting them high in the air. “Now, without further ado, I hereby declare F-Bomb and the Turd-“

Now, if there’s one thing I learned from being in Hell a couple of weeks, it’s that there is always a catch. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there’s a catch. And for F-Bomb and I? Ours was about to catch up with us big time.

“Now wait just a f*cking minute!” Someone bellowed backstage. A very familiar demon wearing a sparkly vest and a pair of panama hats on each of his giant horns swaggered onto the stage. “I seen those boys, and those boys been cheating!”

Leroy Brown, Archdemon of the 5th Circle of Hell.

I knew I should have been nervous, but it was hard to be intimidated by a demon that, only fifteen minutes ago, you’d seen do a (very bad) cover of ‘Baby Got Back’.

He sauntered over to us like he owned the place. “Now if I remember right, these fools parked their machine gun in the wheelchair space without bein’ crippled. That counts as grounds for disqualification!”

F-Bomb cringed. You see, before we started training, F-Bomb and I had to park our gun in the lot. Only problem was, we were in the hippie part of Hell, so all the spaces had wheelchair signs on them for the next 500 miles. Our solution to this mess? We did what my Dad usually does and pretended our feet were asleep. If only I knew how badly this would come to bite us all in the butt, I would have just lugged the thing in with me.

“Well, my foot’s asleep!” Protested F-Bomb. “That counts, doesn’t it!?”

The demon stamped down on F-Bomb’s foot. Hard.

They say F-Bomb screamed so loud it caused an Earthquake up in California. All I know is that I learned what it was like to have my ears gush blood like Niagara Falls gushed water. (Painful, but weirdly awesome in its’ own right.)

The demon gestured to the crowd “Does this sound like the voice of a guy whose foot is asleep?!”

The crowd, who only moments before had been cheering us on, was now a chorus of boos.

“Sailor Moon!” cried F-Bomb, “Do something!”

But even Sailor Moon could not help us now, slumped over a drum set. too shamed to assist.

Meanwhile, Raposa pulled a piece of paper out of her back pocket. Reading through it, she hummed

“Yuppers, you guys just broke the rules.”

F-Bomb was completely silent, content to just let raptor tears stain his pink dress.

I looked at Raposa. She was about my height, but now she seemed to tower over me like the Empire State Building.

“Um, what are you going to do to us?”

She grinned, showing off rows upon rows of serrated teeth. “What do you think, dum-dum? Go on, guess.”

#My writing #Nature Trail To Hell #hell #velociraptor #demon

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myfuckingfanfictionblog · 8 years

Text

THERE WAS A SEQUEL TO RED BULL PENIS

dallons in the hospital. he was diagnosed with osteoporosis.

he would be leaving the hospital the next morning after spending months in intensive care. they found socks and red bull in his bones and had to remove them. now he’s boneless. hes just skin and muscle.

like chicken nuggets.

but theres one body part u dont need bones for ;)

ur ears.

when he is released from the hospital, they tell him he has to pay 20 million dollars for all of the water he consumed during his stay. he ignores them. he puts on his sparkly pants and exits.

hes only wearing his pants. no shirt. no sexy lingerie. no socks. he hasnt worn socks since the… Incident.

he has nightmares about the Incident every single moment of his life, even when hes awake.

they had to amputate his leg and his dick stump too. he got a prosthetic dick but no leg. he has a peg leg now. just a stick glued to his leg. sometimes he likes to sit and chew on his stick. then he is reminded of the Incident and cries until he falls asleep.

he shakes away his memories and walks into the hospital parking lot, barefoot and shirtless, wondering what to do next.

he sees a strange vehicle in the parking lot. the door opens and zack hall exits. dallons heart races, he hasnt spoken with anyone associated with panic since the incident.

“fuck you dallon” zack says. he throws a cigar at dallon and drives away. the cigar hits dallon in the face and he falls over. his peg leg snaps in half. hurriedly he shoves it up his butthole, no lube or condom.

he pulls out his cellular device and contemplates who to call for help in this crisis while the peg leg leaves splinters inside him. he knows that brendon is probably smoking with zack, laughing at dallons misfortune. he scrolls through his contacts and suddenly he is hit with an idea. his one friend through everything. his main man. the guy whos never left him for anything. his bro.

he calls josh dun.

josh answers after a few rings with a confused “dallon?”

“hey josh please help me im in a parking lot there are splinters in my rectum”

“ok dallon im coming im bringing tyler” josh says and hangs up.

josh sighs and grabs his keys, giving tyler a nod as he quickly rushes to his skateboard. josh gets on his skateboard.

tyler quickly goes to sit on joshs shoulders. “onward mighty steed” tyler yodels and kicks josh in the ribs. josh screams in pain and starts obediently skateboarding.

they skateboard to the hospital gracefully and spot dallon laying in the parking lot. “ew is that dallon” tyler says.

“stop being rude” josh says

dallon cries as tyler picks him up

tyler holds him bridal style on joshs shoulders. josh cries because dallon is really heavy. tyler doesnt know what to do so he sticks his toe thumb up dallons ass.

dallon cries and smacks tyler, causing josh to wiggle and swerve. everyone shrieks. josh skates over a pebble causing tyler, dallon, and tyler’s toe thumb to fall over. josh gracefully backflips off the rogue skateboard but tyler and dallon smash into the pavement.

the peg leg is jammed deeper into dallons rectum and tylers toe thumb is still in his butthole. tyler gets a splinter. everyone is getting splinters.

josh is lying on the ground dead

tyler screams and pulls his thumb out, crawling to his dead band mate. he puts his thumb in joshs butt, but josh is already dead. tylers efforts are useless

tyler buries his face in joshs chest, mourning his lover when a car pulls up. the door swings open and two high heels drop down, and they see breezy. breezy stomps on dallon. the kids are shouting from the backseat about minecraft and fnaf.

breezy throws a grenade into the car, killing the children instantly. it hasnt detonated yet. she leans close to dallon and whispers “i fucking hated your kids anyway” then she gets up and steals a random car and drives away. dallon sobs and looks over at tyler

tyler is convulsing on the ground

before getting very far, breezy crashes into a juice bar and dies, cursing the one thing she ever loved for killing her as she takes her last breath

another car pulls up

dallon whimpers, he just wants help

a greasy kenny appears in the window

dallon sighs. he would rather have anyone else to help. kenny presses his face against the window and dallon can see the glass fogging when he breathes.

“r u ok” kenny shrieks. “is that a toe having a seizure over there”

dallon yells “fuck off kenny”

kenny gets out of the car and slips on his own grease puddle. he breaks his hip. “i am an old man” he cries “i need a hip replacement”

“ya i need one too you fucking grease whore but do u see me complaining no go shove ur dick in a pumpkin” dallon says. kenny cries and begs dallon for help but dallon just crawls over and starts beating the shit out of him. this is all in the hospital parking lot and nobody is helping

“not even my guitars can save me now” kenny says

“u can shove ur guitars up ur greasy butthole” dallon says. “at least u have natural lube"he adds

tyler is still having a seizure on the ground. foam starts to drip down tylers cheek as his body shakes and convulses

"hey tyler do u want some taco bell” josh says

tyler screams. josh is a zombie. rest in pepperoni.

“JOSH UR BACK” tyler starts violently fucking josh in the ass in celebration.

“tyler stop i just want some taco bell ur a bottom anyway please stop” josh says

tyler is out of control at the moment. there is no telling what he can do.

dallon crawls over and tries to join. tylers dick kicks him in the face. josh seems to be okay with a threesome, but tyler punches dallon in the throat. dallon rips joshs hair out in clumps. josh cries.

“my luscious straw locks. what have you done” he laments. josh now looks like tyler.

“tyler can we please get taco bell” josh says. tyler ignores him and keeps going. josh shits himself. tyler moans even louder.

“how did u know my kink” tyler says. josh cries and runs away. tyler screams.

now that josh is gone, there is only one other person to turn to. dolan. dalon. dallon.

tyler pees on dallon. “golden shower” he says. dallon screams.

another car pulls up, crushing tylers legs under its wheels. the door opens and smoke pours out.

josh comes back and beats tyler with a stop sign.

brendon and zack get out and walk over. zack gets lung ccancer suddenly.

brendon starts throwing weed at dallon. clumps of weed hit his face. everyone stares at zack as he dies of lung cancer. rip zack. sarah urie is sitting in the car drinking a smoothie and angrily tweeting fans. “bee kind” she yells from inside the car. brendon ignores her

brendon whips his dick out. its not a snake dick anymore.

“shove a bee up ur asshole!” tyler yells. tyler pulls out his toe thumb and gives them a thumbs up.

jenna joseph crawls up out of the sewers and flashes her wedding ring to everyone. tyler takes the wedding ring and eats it. jennas ugly eyebrows fall off in shock. breezy comes back from the dead to repair jennas fallen eyebrows even though her own are shit

“tyler can we get taco bell now” josh says

breezy spits on dallon and kicks the shit out of him. brendon begins eating zacks corpse.

there is still a peg leg in dallons ass.

tyler and josh come back with taco bell holding hands. sarah and breezy scream

“UNHEALTHY!!” they both run away and probably fuck in some grass

dallons ass gets an infection and he speed shits out the peg leg and all the splinters onto tyler. tyler spits his chewed up taco on dallon.

tyler moans as the peg leg pierces his nipple

jenna sees tyler nutting then cries and makes a noose with her shirt. breezy makes a green vegan gluten free extra protein smoothie shake. josh sees jenna and pushes her back into the sewer. shes gone

breezy makes some minecraft snacks and brings them to the squad. they eat the ugly torch pretzels and vomit everywhere. kenny gets up, broken hip forgotten, and roundhouse kicks her in the face. dallon swallows a pretzel stick torch whole then proceeds to drop dead

dallon says “werent the pretzels for knox and our failed abortion child amelie”

kenny drops dead

breezy says “ya but i killed ur dumbass children”

dallon puts on socks because hes cold. he cries and chews on the peg leg that was in his rectum. he has a flashback to the incident and screams. dallon stares down at the socks, the whole world slowing down around him. breezy shoves an icing pretzel torch up his butt. he cries.

brendon starts singing bohemian rhapsody in the background, demanding attention. nobody cares.

dallon lifts his foot into his lap, peeling the sock back slowly exposing the hair on his toe knuckles. he presses the warm sock against his cheek, taking a long whiff. he starts to eat the sock. he closes his eyes in bliss, remembering the moments he had with socks. he moans. his prosthetic dick has never been this hard

brendons eyes turn black as he notices, scales covering his limps. his dick starts wiggling. it elongates, until it is a wriggling tentacle.

he crawls over to dallon, head spinning around and limbs cracking.

someone drinks a diet pepsi. it is not known who.

the tentacle pokes dallons ear. brendon shoves it in dallons ear, literally fucking his brains out. dallon, still nutting to the sock, is dazed and confused. dallon nuts twice at the same time.

his brains spill onto the pavement. the pavement cracks open and ground beneath them splits, opening the underworld. tyler jumps in eagerly.

zack crawls back from the dead and mutes dallon on twitter. “you are muted. idiot” zack says then jumps into the abyss. the underworld sucks everyone in. it sucks in a mild sauce packet from taco bell, and josh cries and jumps in after it. the underworld is filled with socks and mountain dew

dallon floats up off the ground. brendon grabs onto him, afraid he will float away like a balloon. a dalloon. but brendon played himself, as dallon does not stop floating. they float until they reach space. brendon feels the gravitational pull of uranus

screeching, brendon pulls dallon into the core of uranus, where they are vaporized instantly

the end

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