#anyways yeah it’s illegal for him to be that fucking Hoo Boy

[twoshipsnorowboat]

Well I just spent a solid couple minutes scrolling through nicholae schiller gifs and screaming variants of FUCK YOU NICHOLAE SCHILLER to the screen. Really great use of my time, i highly recommend.

[just-another-miserable-prick]

Aight, we're doing this. It's headcanon time.

This is engines 1-6. This is all Sodor High School AU canon btw.

Thomas Gail:

Freshman. Tiny gremlin child. Full of energy and straight up refuses to shut the fuck up. No, he physically can't shut the fuck up. Prankster #1. Much like James, he's very over the top, but instead of his looks, I mean his pranks. Like, this little bitch wrote a whOLE ASS FUCKING MUSICAL for an APRIL FOOL'S PRANK. FOR REAL. (I'll make a post about that whole mess, it's the best fucking thing) Protects Percy with his l i f e.

Edward Belwett:

Senior. Braincell #1 of 2 of the entire Steam Team. Extremely farsighted but simply does not realise that it's a problem. Poor guy just thinks everyone sees the world like he does. (I dare you to try and change my fucking mind, also @zellezel, I'm stealing this, thank you very much) The caring dad friend and the team's designated therapist. Guy's got Rapunzel hair (as in floor length) and only James is allowed to touch it. Why? Let's just say the story involves fire. If you manage to piss him off, good fucking luck. Trans king.

Henry Holt:

Junior. Braincell #2 of 2 of the Steam Team. Very kind, gentle and anxious introvert. Absolutely fucked mentally AND physically (thank his mother- or rather birthgiver for that one) While he is a pacifist, he's known for having lost his cool a grand total of 2 times. (One of these involved Edward) Legend has it he threw a chair once. No one knows the truth though, except for the witnesses. I'd advise everyone to just stay on his good side for their own sake.

Gordon Rask:

Junior. HOO BOI, man be f u c k e d beyond belief. 6th of 8 siblings, parents are divorced, dad's an alcoholic, lord knows where mom went ("no hard feelings tho, good for her" says our local mess of a highschool junior), most of his siblings already booked it, life really went: "Welp- What could go wrong? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" *dumps entire content of the Trauma Truck™ on this one guy*. So damn jealous of Scott and thinks or rather hopes that people don't notice. They notice, don't worry. ("I do the exact same thing he does and he gets all the recognition?! What about me?? What am I doing wrong?!") No wonder he's got such a bad temper.

James Bragg:

(This may or may not be me projecting my own issues onto this bitch) Sophomore. Almost homeless, as in his house, or rather what's left of it, could collapse literally any minute- (which it does at one point-) he tries to cover up his misery in public by acting like he's a vain, self-absorbed little sassy twink, and it seems to do the job. For now at least. When he's in private or alone with someone (aHeM, Gordon-) he's a m e s s in pretty much any way you can think of.

Percy Klein:

Freshman. Thomas' adopted brother and tries to be a voice of reason when Thomas is about to do something stupid (or illegal cuz Thomas w o u l d). Normally fails to stop his brother from committing his silly acts of mischief but hey, at least he's trying. Precious baby. If you somehow manage to anger him, he'll cuss you out in fluent German. Then it's over for you. He might as well be summoning a demon for all I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (<- this coming from someone who studies german. I hate that fucking nightmare of a language.)

Ships? OH HELL YEAH!

To preface, these are just my preferences. If you ship something else, go ahead. As long as it's not like- Inc*st, p*dop*ilia, you know- disgusting shit. Or anything that involves Spencer. This is a Spencer hate blog. ANYWAY

Henry X Edward:

yes yeS YES Y E S- Yea this is my OTP, I fucking love these two, they are my life force and I want them to be my dads- in my mind it's the "slightly more social introvert X anxious mess of an introvert" dynamic and it's the cutest fucking thing. Edward confessed first, on Valentine's day! :D

Gordon X James:

Two fucked up guys looked at one another one day and thought "I could… try to fix him?". That's literally it and I love them. Like they're both absolutely fucked up to no end so they're really the only ones who understand the other's struggles and could help without making shit even worse. Love that they both have someone there for them :D.

Thomas and Percy are brothers in this AU ^^ I know I said it before but I'll say it again.

Thanks to @zellezel for inspiring me to finally write this thing :)

[racingtoaredlight]

THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK TWO, A MUDDLED AND MAUDLIN WEEK OF MAYHEM IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST

RTARL would like to extend our warmest holiday wishes to those who celebrate and, even if you don’t, happy 9/11. Now who’s ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!?!?!

So after two weeks of games that combine to count as only one official week even though some teams have already played twice we have only one real question answered: is Alabama still good? Yes, they are. Everything else is still liquefying vapor.

I am assuming everybody is waiting with baited breath for an RTARLsman but I don’t have anything yet. I guess the not-Master Teague RBs on Ohio State are the frontrunners for now. Or that one guy from that one team who was good. You know who I mean.

Saturday, September 11

Matchup    Time (ET)     TV/Mobile

Illinois at Virginia   11:00am   ACCN

Jeff George won Citrus Bowl MVP for the Illini against the Hoos in his last game as a student athlete before becoming the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL Draft. Based on this history it is safe to presume that whoever the QB is for Illinois today will be the #1 pick in 2022.

VMI at Kent State   11:30am   ESPN3

I’m not sure on this but maybe this game is cancelled.

WKU at Army    11:30am   CBSSN

Army is favored by 6. I bet this game is boring.

Norfolk State at Wake Forest    12:00pm   ACCNX

I don’t see a line listed but whatever it is bet against Wake covering.

Indiana State at Northwestern     12:00pm    BTN

This game is an act of terrorism.

Alabama State at 25 Auburn     12:00pm    SECN

Real body bag season starts today, huh?

Youngstown State at Michigan State  12:00pm   BTN

The Michigan State running back is the guy I was trying to think of earlier! He’s pretty good. Not good enough to make me watch this but I will check on his stats every so often.

Tulsa at Oklahoma State   12:00pm   FS1

I bet Mike Gundy has some really salient thoughts on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and I can’t wait to hear them.

South Carolina at East Carolina   12:00pm      ESPN2

South Carolina is a two point favorite against an East Carolina team that is, per my understanding, not exactly good. So I can only extrapolate that South Carolina is likewise not good.

Pitt at Tennessee  12:00pm   ESPN

Look, I’m not going to pretend this is good television but if Pitt rocks their classic yellow helmets and Tennessee wears non-alternates the colors on the screen will at least be pleasing. The thought of the actual football involved hurts my brain but it’s interesting that the points have gone from a consensus pick ‘em to Pitt -3 over the course of the week. Does Tennessee have any players that are good enough that by missing the game they could impact the gambling that much? Or are people just squaring themselves with the fact the the Vols are really and truly a ruined burnt out hole of a football program? Pound the latter.

12 Oregon at 3 Ohio State  12:00pm   FOX

Losing Kayvon Thibideaux certainly isn’t going to help Oregon but he’s not usually on the field as a run stopper anyway and if Ohio State learned anything last week it’s that they can just run until they feel like throwing a pass. Oregon actually has some legit talent on the d-line besides Thibideaux but the Ducks are gonna be hard-pressed to keep things within two scores here.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota   12:00pm   ESPN

If Oregon can’t make a game of it in Columbus look out because this time block is an absolute wasteland. There is scant reason to turn the TV on for the early schedule other than gambling purposes.

Kennesaw State at Georgia Tech   12:00pm    RSN/ESPN3

Georgia Tech probably should have closed up shop after Paul Johnson retired. Either that or just absolutely slathered the football program in dollars. The Yellow Jackets being unable to land any big time recruits while playing in Atlanta is a real mindfuck. They aren’t a AA program playing dress up in a “power” conference they’ve got actual history. I don’t mean to give the impression I want them to be good but I don’t understand how they can be such fodder for so long.

13 Florida at USF    1:00pm    ABC

Remember that year when USF was the best program in the state? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff. I know the deal with UF is that they don’t go out of state for contract games but it’s actually kind of surprising they even bothered to keep this trip to Tampa on the schedule. Like the area recruits would probably be happier to go see a game at The Swamp than to kick around their hometown for a pile of shit like this.

Wyoming at NIU    1:30pm   ESPN+

I’m not gonna open the ESPN app for this but if it was on ESPN2 I’d probably check in on it during commercials. Aesthetically pleasing trash with an upside for actual entertainment.

Middle Tennessee at 19 Virginia Tech    2:00pm   ACCNX

Virginia Tech’s home crowd scene was the normie story of last week’s games. People that don’t watch college football were either aghast or frantically waving their blue lives matter flags in response. Us in this space just ate the shame and forgot it happened by the time Saturday’s games kicked off. My theory is that VPI is not actually any good but UNC’s 2020 season was a well-timed fluke and the last hurrah of Mack Brown’s storied coaching career. The Hokies are at home, though, and MTSU is almost certainly not on the same athletic level as the Turkey Gobblers so I’d probably take the home team -20 if I were so inclined to wager on this particular game that is being broadcast on the ACC’s new pornography channel.

Rutgers at Syracuse    2:00pm    ACCN

Holy fuck does this game suck. Reuniting former Big East, uh, rivals (??? does Rutgers have any natural enemies?) in a cross-conference classic betwixt the B1G and the ACC.

Duquesne at Ohio   2:00pm   ESPN3

I don’t think I need to explain to you all the national title implications riding on this game.

Toledo at 8 Notre Dame    2:30pm     Peacock

Just remember that if you subscribe to Peacock you are at the very least tacitly supporting Notre Dame. If for some reason you’re watching this please report back on how many of those defensive pick plays Notre Dame runs. They were doing that shit constantly against Florida State last week and it drove me nuts. I think the idea is that you are so flagrantly illegal so often that the refs grow numb to it and just don’t call it at all.

Robert Morris at Central Michigan     3:00pm    ESPN3

Not to be outdone by the early games, the 3 o’clock set is equally terrible.

Purdue at UConn    3:00pm    CBSSN

I bet Edsall still gets bonuses for stupid shit even now that he’s retired or whatever the official designation was for him no longer coaching.

Boston College at UMass    3:30pm    FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t know what FloFootball is but I know it isn’t anything to do with the state of Florida.

Ball State at 11 Penn State    3:30pm    FS1

It surprises me to see Penn State as only -22.5 favorites. That seems very kind to Ball State. Hopefully I’m wrong and the Ball State Lettermans take it to the Sanduskys.

Murray State at 7 Cincinnati    3:30pm    ESPN+

Practice week continues.

Temple at Akron    3:30pm    ESPN+

Pound the under.

Georgia Southern at Florida Atlantic   3:30pm   Stadium

There is really nothing going on this week.

Air Force at Navy   3:30pm   CBS

Middies vs. Fly Boys in the first leg of the Commander’s Cup on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I can’t imagine the amount of emotional manipulation that’s going to make its way onto this broadcast. Normally I watch these games but I don’t think I can do it this year.

UAB at 2 Georgia    3:30pm    ESPN2

Georgia may well be absurdly talented on the defensive side of the ball but I’d be surprised to see them make it through the regular season with fewer than two losses.

5 Texas A&M at Colorado     3:30pm     FOX

This is only interesting if the Aggies spring a leak.

California at TCU    3:30pm    ESPNU

Things most certainly are not looking up.

Buffalo at Nebraska    3:30pm    BTN

Nebraska is in an interesting position because if they buck the odds and end up being good after we’ve all been so ready to see a National Championship-winning coach get fired that would be funny but if they end up being really bad it’s even funnier. Go Bulls!

Mercer at 1 Alabama    4:00pm   SECN

I’ll cry a little if Saban pulls the starters in the first half and the Tide beats Mercer by less than they beat Miami.

South Alabama at Bowling Green   4:00pm    ESPN+

10 Iowa at 9 Iowa State    4:30pmABC

This is not the kind of top 10 matchup I can just sit idly by and let it happen. Your silence is complicity in this monstrous display of modernity.

SC State at 6 Clemson    5:00pm      ACCN

Clemson dropped all the way to #6 and they’ll hang around the top of the polls because they don’t have the toughest conference schedule in the world but my confidence in them is not high right now. I think the new QB is just a guy. He’s talented as hell but I don’t see him being great.

Illinois State at Western Michigan     5:00pm   ESPN3

This is either MACtion or MACtion adjacent and I have only one word for this midwestern trash: abhorrent.

LIU at West Virginia   5:00pm    ESPN+

LIU plays football?

Lamar at UTSA      6:00pm    ESPN3

Downside: You’re watching one of the least important games of the year. Upside: You’re really not missing anything.

Portland State at Washington State    6:00pm    P12N

Washington State was a perfect spot for the stupid pirate fuckhead and his leaving has ruined the program and, eventually, his reputation. Not relevant to this game necessarily but this game isn’t relevant to anything else, either.

Gardner-Webb at Charlotte   6:00pm    ESPN3

Oh, yeah, feel the excitement.

Bethune-Cookman at UCF   6:30pm   ESPN+

Go Cats.

NC Central at Marshall    6:30pm    ESPN+

The hits keep coming.

Houston at Rice   6:30pm    CBSSN

I’ve always had a soft spot for Holgo and for Houston football but somehow I really don’t like seeing him coach the Cougs. This is SWC magic but with no magic. UNLESS! Houston can put up 100. I don’t think they even have the guys to do it but this is Rice we’re talking about here.

Nicholls at Louisiana    7:00pm    ESPN3

Keep the energy up.

North Texas at SMU   7:00pm   ESPN+

I bet is MS621 were still alive he’d be at this game giving Spencer’s boys hell. Sadly he died doing what he loved, curing his COVID by eating ivermectin paste out of a horse’s butt. R.I.P., friend. Neigh to you wherever you are.

Southeastern La. at Louisiana Tech   7:00pm    ESPN3

Even the low tier stuff is geared up for annihilation. This is a bodybag week for all time.

Memphis at Arkansas State    7:00pm    ESPN+

Memphis getting less than a touchdown against Arkansas State seems like easy money but I have no real concept of either of these teams just yet. Maybe the end is nigh for the Tigers glory years? I sure hope not but it’s possible.

NC State at Mississippi State    7:00pm     ESPN2

This game should be as fun as a parents funeral.

Southern Illinois at Kansas State   7:00pm      ESPN+

Over the past week I experienced derision for referring the the guys in purple and silver as “Kansas State” instead of “K State” and that stung because it always surprises me that anybody cares about them enough to have a strong opinion about them.

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Tech    7:00pm    ESPN+

Shrugs

15 Texas at Arkansas    7:00pm   ESPN

Let’s see if Texas is ready to run with the big boys of the SEC! Arkansas is given a decent shot to win this game and that makes the “15″ next to Texas appear extremely suspect in my eyes.

Texas Southern at Baylor    7:00pm   ESPN+

This week Texas Southern is the people’s champion.

Texas State at FIU   7:00pm    ESPN+

Oh, Butch, why have you done this to yourself?

Western Carolina at 4 Oklahoma      7:00pm     PPV

All the Westen Carolina fans are buying this PPV to see their guys score 40.

New Mexico State at New Mexico    7:00pm     Stadium

I looked up the historic rivalry last year to figure out why it was played early in the season instead of at the end but I’ve forgotten and don’t feel the need to look it up again. I figured out how to watch Stadium on my TV but I also forgot that and don’t feel the need to look it up again.

Appalachian State at 22 Miami (FL)  7:00pm   ESPNU

My gut tells me Miami is probably legitimately about the 14th best team in the country but I still would never advise you to bet actual money on the Hurricanes. Are they 9 points better than App State? Easily. They should win by 20+. Are they liable to fuck around and lose or scrape out a win in the final seconds? Absolutely. Let’s fuckin’ go.

Morgan State at Tulane    7:00pm    ESPN+

A lot of people learned to love the Green Wave last week but it’s hard to keep that going with their schedule. Don’t forget them later in the year when the CBSSN glow is really shining.

Liberty at Troy   7:00pm   ESPN+

Liberty -4 is maybe my surest advice of the week. If Malik Willis is as good as his press the fake school should have this game on ice early.

Eastern Michigan at 18 Wisconsin   7:00pm    FS1

I find Wisconsin’s losing effort against Penn State last week to be a personal affront against me and all of nature.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville    7:00pm   ACCNX

I think this game being broadcast at night on ACCNX means they’re playing naked.

Grambling State at Southern Miss    7:00pm    ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on an app.

Hampton at Old Dominion    7:00pm    ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on a well-worn high school football field.

Austin Peay at 20 Mississippi   7:30pm     ESPN+/SECN+

This is a pretty big OOC game for an SEC team.

Georgia State at 24 North Carolina    7:30pm    RSN/ESPN3

One of several GSUs, I think this is the one I most hope emerges victorious this week.

Idaho at Indiana   7:30pm    BTN

Wait, wasn’t Indiana like #10 last week? What the hell happened to them? No, don’t tell me. Seriously, don’t.

Missouri at Kentucky     7:30pm    SECN

When the SEC hits 24 teams the “S!E!C!” chants are gonna seem really stupid.

Howard at Maryland    7:30pm    BTN

There’s no official line for this game but I hope the Bison can pull off the upset in this classic local rivalry game.

Jacksonville State at Florida State    8:00pm   ACCN

Still shaking my head at FSU icing their own kicker. Jesus, Norvell. Get your shit together.

McNeese at LSU     8:00pm      ESPN+/SECN+

LOLSU was my lock of the week last week if you’re considering taking gambling advice from me.

Washington at Michigan    8:00pm    ABC

UDub lost to a 1-AA team last week and now they have to go on the road and beat Michigan. Which seems inevitable, to be honest.

Cal Poly at Fresno State    10:00pm    CW59

The murder rate will continue to increase as the day progresses. I always kind of like it when a local broadcast shows up on the sheet. So pretty much none of us have legal access to this game. It makes it more special.

San Diego State at Arizona    10:00pm    P12N

Pac-12 Network is similar to CW59 in that almost nobody in the country has legal access to their broadcasts. If you’ve read enough of these posts you are aware that SDSU is my weird very deep backup team. I don’t have a reason to align myself with the school or program, I just tend to enjoy watching their games.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State     10:00pm    CBSSN

This is an abomination.

21 Utah at BYU     10:15pm    ESPN

This is a lowkey fun rivalry. I’m pretty sure I write the same thing every year but it’s still true. Go Utes.

Stanford at 14 USC     10:30pm    FOX

I think USC could win a national championship and I’d still be baffled that Clay Helton is their coach. Of course, they won’t win a national championship as long as Clay Helton is their coach but they apparently won’t ever get embarrassing enough to fire him, either.

Idaho State at Nevada    10:30pm    Stadium

This is the lowpoint of the week’s schedule and you have to stay up late to watch it on a network that only exists as an app or as part of a hidden unlockable download-only level of cable subscription. This is the beauty of the college game.

UNLV at 23 Arizona State    10:30pm   ESPN2

Herm Edwards figured out the trick to looking good in the Pac-12 without having a particularly great team and I can’t make up my mind if I’m rooting for him to keep sliding on that rail or to fall off it. I think I’ve come around to rooting for him but it’s a very dynamic and fluid situation.

Hawaii at Oregon State   11:00pm    FS1

Hawaii gets to play at their normal time for a game against the bottom of the barrel of the Pac-12 but they’re an 11-point underdog. If you’re ever going to take Hawaii, this is the stars lining up for you to do it. It’s still a big “if” but I’m saying there’s a chance.

[xhaotixaesthetica]

College! Jaebum x Kinda Mad Genius! Reader

Starlink Intergalactic Navigator 

You are in: a genetic mutation of Gaia, the dwarf planet 

look at this cute ass idiot ugh my heart

so WE’RE GONNA SPICE HIS AU UP A BIT totally not because I’m already sick of the same reader inserts, just enjoy this as a story and don’t complain pls

in this au you’re an astrophysics and computer programming major, minoring in bioengineering

in other words, you’re smart af

like you’re one of those child prodigy kids

Graduated high school early and took a bunch of AP's and CLEP tests so you’re way ahead and somewhere in between a junior and a senior but since you’re so young, you just say you’re a junior

you literally have the IQ of a genius and a bunch of Ivy league schools got in a fight over you but you were like nah nah i want something fUn so you came to SEOUL WOO HOO

you get A's in everything without even trying but that's OK because it leaves more room for you to do more SCIENCE

currently in a polyamorous relationship between you, Math, and Science

you’re really fascinated by the complexity of the universe but at the same time really into physics and math so when you found out that astrophysics existed when you were like 12, you knew that was it for you

you barely have time to eat, much less be fashionable, so you wear pretty nothing but jeans, huge hoodies, Converse, and a super hero t-shirt underneath (same but just because i’m too broke to dress nice)

with good brains comes bad everything else and you’re a hot fucking mess

clumsy, notes scattered all over the place, writing astrophysics shit in the margins of all your papers and doodling constellations on them while the professor lectures, it’s bad

you’re actually kind of extroverted and hyper but you just focus all that energy into astrophysics so everyone thinks you’re a hermit

you’re not obsessed with video games and comic books specifically, you’re just obsessed with space

like Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Ender's Game, Prey, Alien, Dead Space, and even Halo, you love em all, cause fuCkinGH spACE MAN same i’m a space gay

you aLwAyS pLaYS THE FUCKIN SPACE OVERTURE ON YOUR PHONE AND WALK IN SLOW MO INTO YOUR APARTMENT AND YOUR ROOMMATE IS LIKE I HAD TO WATCH THAT WITH MY OWN TWO EYES

always writing reminders on yourself but they only help 60% of the time because you’re a hot mess

you can play the harp and the sitar?? the most random ass instruments, you literally have your harp in your bedroom and your sitar in your lab and like they were gifts from one of your cousins and you’re really protective over them

whenever you have a mental block you sit cross-legged and start playing your harp/sitar and chanting OM or the lyrics to We Will Rock You and your roommates are like omg they really are a mad scientist

you don't mind relationships but like no one wants to be with you cause they think you’re kind of fucking insane so you try not to think about it and just blow stuff up in the chem lab

like you’re really excited, you’ll gladly talk to people and you’re really bubbly and happy and friendly but all you talk about is astrophysics??? and you’re not on like level one, no you started reading college level astrophysics books when you were 14, you’re like wayyyy past PhD level so it's like you’re speaking another language

and no one wants to hang out with you like they think it's cute how passionate you are and how fucking just warm and open you are but still no one wants to be around you cause you’re like some sort of mad scientist and they're not interested in what you’re talking about

but you keep a smile on your face and keep to your astrophysics even though you start to think something's wrong with you and start getting kinda sad

aw bby :’(

and tHEN THEY WERE ROOMMATES that's when Jaebum came along

Jaebum is majoring in Ancient Studies and minoring in Greek and he’s Captain of the Football Team

pretty much every male-attracted person likes him but ain't no one going near that boy cause he is T E R R I F Y I N G

wears all black and never says anything and then when you talk to him he just has this resting bitch face on with no expression and everyone's like I’ll I’ljust go now and he just continues reading

he’s always reading with his earbuds in, you bother him it's your funeral

and it's weird cause like he has friends a precious few and ppl know he's not cold with them so why’s he ALWAYS COLD AND APATHETIC TO EVERYONE ELSE LIKE YOU GOOD MATE???

knows he's terrifying and uses it to his advantage

has no problem glaring down people who reach for the same thing at the supermarket or try cutting in front of him at starbuck’s and they near shit themselves

does not give two shits about all the people staring at him all the time as long as they don't talk to him or interrupt his reading

stays at home unless he's at class, practice, or a game

on the Dean’s List, and a massive teacher’s pet

but still, people just like to admire him for his looks and gush about how mysterious he is and that really irks him cause no one wants to actually spend the time to get to know him he’s not even that mysterious, he’s actually a bit of a crackhead so he's like i don't need y'all i have the Gupta Dynasty to keep me company

youngjae and yugyeom rolling their eyes, like HeRe HyUnG GOES AGAIN

knows more about ancient worlds than the current world?? like sometimes mark catches him staring at technology like it's an alien concept and he's like dude you've had a cell phone since you were like 12, when was the last time you had a break from reading that, chill out for a second and come back to modern times

and jb just scoffs like i don't need your modern times and buries his head in the book again but he just wants someone who's able to talk about the present AND the past with him without ignoring one cause he thinks both are really important

anyways one day you were late to an 8am class and you were rushing and dropped some papers and Jaebum came across it and he was like what in ThE HELL IS THIS cause first of all it was almost completely illegible and then when he did manage to read it, he couldn't understand it cause it was real complex math and science shit and he looked at the name and he knew who you were cause you’re the campus genius and the campus crazy

so he hunts you down until he comes across your lab later on in the day and you’re frantically looking through your BILLIONS OF PILES of looseleaf paper and jb's just thinking about how much of a fit jinyoung would have if he saw this tomfoolery

and he handed you your stuff and you were so grateful and friendly and you reminded him of a crazier version of youngjae

he couldn't help but be curious when he saw the really complicated math and science going on on your paper and he was like what's that, how does it work, what's the history

for a full fifteen seconds, you looked at him like he was god incarnate and you like i'M gLaD yOu AsKeD

and you were talking really fast but the way your eyes lit up when you talked about astrophysics and the way the sun from the window illuminated your features jfc

jb didn't believe in love in first sight he swore he didn't

unless it was you

like even if you weren’t conventionally pretty and most people wouldn't even notice you, bummie didn’t care, it was like you were the goddamn sun or something

he stops you in the middle of explaining and he's like look you're going a bit too fast, so could you repeat what you said but just a lil bit . . . slower

and for a long moment, you were stunned jungshook because like this boi . . . this devastatingly handsome boy who blows everyone off and makes them wet their pants in fear wants to hear me rant to him about astrophysics

and he actually wants you to slow it down so he can understand instead of just pretending to listen

and like you may be a genius but JB just broke your brain for a second

but then you jump back into it like yeah sure

and jae honestly finds you fucking adorable like how excited you get about astrophysics and he actually finds himself interested in it and then he starts talking about ancient cultures and greek and you already kinda know everything he's talking about and enjoy the conversation and he's all heart eyes

gets protective over you after like 2 days???

you don't care, you’re just happy there's someone who thinks you’re interesting so you don't even notice him glaring at anyone who talks to you and always hanging around you to scare other guys off

tbh bummie doesn't really comprehend why people don't like being around you cause like??? you’re so fucking pretty and cute?? you took all his uwus reader

only takes like 10 days before JB finds out you’re really affectionate and you’re hugging and cuddling all the time but he actually???likes it

and soon he's the one begging you for cuddles and you’re like ( ^_^) ofc babe lemme just finish doing these calculations right quick and JB's like asdfghjkl did they just call me what i think they just called me

but like you guys are always hanging at your lab and since JB doesn't really talk except with you and his friends and you never talk about anything but astrophysics on the off chance she gets back to the dorm in time enough to talk at all no one knows that you guys are even hanging out

it's not long after that jae asks you out and he takes you to an amusement park and you have a FiElD dAy because sooooooo much math? and pretty colors? and cotton candy? and he's made you the happiest person ever and in that moment when he sees your face he just can't help himself like pls be my s/o and you’re like ASDFGHJKL ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME RIGHT NOW JFC OFC

and he just drops a bomb on his friends like they're all going out to dinner and he brings you and he's got his arm around your waist and he's just like guys meet my s/o and everyone's choking like S/O We ThOuGhT YoU wErE aRo oR sMtHiNG and for a minute they're so confused because no one even knew jaebum was talking to someone much less the mad scientist person when did this happen

and like they can see all throughout dinner that you’re really fucking strange but it's kind of cute and it makes bummie happy so Welcome to the Family, we have cookies

lol friends? nope, say goodbye to those, everyone is so terrified of bummie and his resting bitch face and them muscles that they refuse to come near you cause you’ve basically got Jaebum stamped on your forehead but that's ok because somehow you became really good friends with his friends and like you have this group chat that jae's not in specifically so they can share embarrassing things for you to tease him about later

but bummie highkey encourages it because if he pretends to get mad, you’ll play your harp for him and he loves that shit

jaebum will knock the living daylights out of anyone who mistreats you or makes you feel bad

like one time yall were walking back after a date and this dude grabbed your ass and was about to open his mouth to say some vulgar shit but he didn’t even get the chance before jaebum LEAPED ON HIM LIKE A FUCKING INSECT AND MOWED HIS ASS D O W N

jae had like two scratches on him meanwhile the dude on the floor probably needed a goddamn ambulance and he just took your hand and continued walking like anyways, like i was saying, no one can give me a valid reason why I shouldn’t get a cat

yall will 10/10 adopt a cat together

well it was supposed to be one but yall were weak bitches, so it turned into 3 same

at first yall rotated the cats between y’all’s apartments but then you were both like let’s just fucking move in together omfg

bam bam constantly breaks into your apartment to play with your cats

you come and cheer jae on at his football games

the first time everyone was SHOOK 

for fuck’s sake, you just learned what a touchdown was when you infiltrated a superbowl party for the food sAME, why tf were you even here

but then they saw jae beam at you and they were like omfg, they’re these people

when they win, he runs up and scoops you into his arms and spins you around, pressing a bunch of kisses all over your face and calling ou his good luck charm and you’re screaming at him for hugging you while he’s sweaty and gross even though you’re laughing and kissing him back

when he loses, you and him go to McDonalds after he showers and you just sit at a table eating while he nuzzles his head in your neck and sulks

reader, i highkey advise you to get a couple tats or a body piercing and not tell him

just have your hoodie off one day so he happens to see the tat/piercing and you’ll see his eyes darken and he’s trying to keep calm like

“i didn’t know you had tattoos/piercings”

and he’s looking down at you so intensely he’s almost glaring

“i do, wanna try and find them all?”

you did it

you activated beast mode

whenever jae sees you upset or sad, he’ll just engulf you with his whole body and you can smell his aftershave and feel his warmth while he puts on calming music and tells you greek myths in that smooth, soothing voice

and when you have your head on his chest, half asleep, he’ll just kind of stop for a second because holy fuuck, you’re so gorgeous and you’re his? how did he land you?? he’s the luckiest guy in the world?

and when you look up, wondering why he stopped talking, you see him looking at you with just this really soft, mushy look of complete adoration and before you can even say anything, he’s like i fucking love you

I WAS GONNA WRITE MORE, BUT I GOTTA END IT NOW, I’M FUCKING SOFT HNNNGGH 

Gaia, the dwarf planet 

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Meat ch 33-37 [Epilogue 6]

Back in the hands of the D.

No I will not apologise for that phrasing.

chapter 33

Back to Johnrezi. With Dirk taking over, this scene is much less sweet. He describes the aftermath of pretty rough sex and suggests that John might have “cucked himself” into blackrom.

If we ignore Dirk’s cynical jabs, what’s basically happening is that John is very tired, but Terezi is looking after him. And with some more “encouragement” from Dirk, he tries to use his retcon powers to pop back into Earth C with Terezi.

Hoo boy Terezi will certainly liven up this election.

chapter 34

This chapter includes the Dirk forming the words “Karkat’s progressively prismatic proletarian partisans” and then immediately feeling shame. Contra Dirk, I think that’s excellent.

Anyway, Dirk’s intervention in this scene is to declare that Jake has been sweating so much that he’s smeared the speech into illegibility, forcing him to improvise. Then, Dirk starts working Jake’s mind over in the narration - making him think about having betrayed Jane and toyed with her heart, and getting his own ‘creepy dom’ act on:

He’s scared. He’s been scared. He’s been running from this feeling his entire life, all because he was so pants-shittingly terrified of being in love with Dirk Strider. And why wouldn’t he be afraid? He knows what will happen when he finally admits it. Knows deep down that to truly love Dirk would be to submit to him. That’s a scary thought. It takes a certain degree of mental fortitude to admit that you love someone so intensely it could subsume your entire personality.

But Jake can see now that it’s simply how things were meant to be. There are leaders in this world, and there are followers, which is a fact that has absolutely nothing to do with the position one prefers in the bedroom. Jake can’t believe he’s wasted years denying something so elemental to his nature that it might as well be on the periodic fucking table.

So Dirk makes him shout “I’m in love with Dirk!”, and having thus declared, he’s about to declare his endorsement - Dave goes to intervene - but then abruptly Dirk ends the scene before we actually hear the endorsement. I feel like that might come back to bite him.

chapter 35

John makes it back to Earth C, but he’s dying. Dirk gloats about how he’s a non-person, “a middling glob of human glue” used by those on the “higher narrative plane” such as himself, and the cherubs, due to his facility to have ‘you-ness’.

Dirk allows him a suitably Nic Cage-like final moment, dying in the middle of confessing his love to Terezi. Then he starts applying his dreadful meddling to Terezi instead.

chapter 36

Dirk rushes us through the next bits in summary (while insulting us for caring, naturally). He declares that Jane won the campaign, and Dave and Karkat are occupied tending to Jade, who’s in a coma. John is apparently her next of kin, but we know what happened to him. He expresses some uncertainty on what Terezi’s “supposed” to be feeling in this scenario, and just resorts to describing that she’s feeling emptiness.

Dirk continues to repeatedly misgender Roxy in the narration, even while describing how he’s transitioning in this timeline. (Note: ‘he’ pronouns for Roxy are introduced later in the chapter)

Roxy explains that in this timeline, as soon as they saw alt-Calliope, the Calliope here started writing about the Candy timeline on the wall:

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

Terezi has not been checking her phone, which is because she’s not aware that she was texting the other John in the other C universe... or is she? You’d think she’d have realised by now that the relationships, children etc. that John described in his texts do not match this particular version of Earth C.

Terezi does appear to have some awareness of Dirk’s control over the narration:

Maybe, having watched her own friend group suffer stress fractures recently, she understands the weight of those words as uttered by this specific person. Because Terezi is a fixer, and it has been a very difficult lesson for her to learn that some things are simply out of her control. Maybe it’s just that Roxy can hear the bone-deep sorrow in her voice.

TEREZI: (OMFG)

TEREZI: (1TS “H1M” YOU FUCK1NG O4F!!!)

After this correction, Dirk starts patronisingly using the most male phrases possible to describe Roxy, clearly showing that he doesn’t really think Roxy’s ‘really’ a guy.

After Roxy leaves the scene, Dirk starts arguing directly with Terezi. Terezi at least is willing to put up a fight with his bullshit. (Thank fuck for Terezi, honestly...)

Dirk alludes to her depression, and offers to take her - and John - with him when he leaves, wherever the fuck he’s going.

Chapter 37

We’re only on Epilogue 6 here. Is Meat longer than 40 chapters, or are the last few epilogues only 1-2 chapters long each!?

Anyway, Rose and Dirk are preparing for their journey. Which will take them into the Candy universe, I guess. Rose is too weak with ‘omniscience sickness’ to effectively resist what DIrk’s doing with her. (We know he’s going to put her in a robot body eventually, but he’s not done it yet.)

Rose wonders if Kanaya will be OK with this. Obviously she won’t! But Dirk assures her he’ll take care of it, it’s best for everyone, etc. etc. Which is to say, he’s going to be fucking with her thoughts and internal monologue with all the grace of a tank. He forces Kanaya to say she’s fine with Rose going - that clearly Dirk is the one who understood her better, etc. etc.

It’s awful to read...

He also leaves an antidote for Jade, which rather implicates him, but I guess he’s beyond caring about that now.

Epilogue 6

This feels like a ‘Dirk’s victory’ chapter part - but we still don’t know what Dirk is trying to do. Well, we know he’s planning to create an SBurb session on a distant planet, but not the end to which he’s doing that!

We know he’s going to successfully leave. We also know that Rose has been horribly abused and manipulated into going along with him. There was no mention of Terezi on the ship in the postscript to Candy, so perhaps Terezi is going to think better of it.

Anyway, I feel like alt-Calliope must have at least one last trick up her sleeve.

[bomberqueen17]

today’s work-related craziness

this is nuts. So, we use a program that downloads incoming orders from our various online stores, and collates them in one place, and we can generate shipping labels from inside this program. it's pretty great, and works well. one of the things it also does is that it checks the addresses to make sure they're valid before it generates the shipping label.

 it kicked back an error for one particular item today, a cheap little thing we sell a ton of. what we usually do then is we just plop the offending address into Google to make sure it's a real place. Sometimes it's a typo, and we fix that. Sometimes it's just-- the program doesn't recognize it but Street View does.

In this case, what came up was not a house but, like, this insane compound, nestled right up on the side of a goddamn Rocky Mountain. We looked at the satellite view and were like... dag yo, what the fuck IS that??? 

So we Googled the name of the customer, because no way is that a real place a real person lives, that's got to be like a school or something, right? 

and hoo boy! Hoo boy. She had an Instagram. Lots of photos of mountain views, scenery. Dogs, lots of dogs. her, and an older dude. She's in her 40s or 50s, he's like, 70. Enjoying that outdoor living in Colorado. Oh she's into Crossfit. Cool. Who the heck is he, though?

Well.Another, like, thirty seconds of Googling, and we find out:

He got out of minimum-security prison in 2014 on charges of bribing foreign officials, after the Supreme Court declined to hear his appeal. He was involved in a scheme to cash in on the privatization of Azerbaijan's state-run oil company, spearheaded by a notorious Czech fraudster.

Who, the articles about him mention, as they talk about his famous lavish lifestyle, owns a $20-million dollar compound on the side of a mountain in Colorado. ... Uh. One of the articles was from a Colorado paper so they said which mountain. 

Yeah, same one. They're living in the fugitive Czech's estate.

He, ya boi from the Instagram posts, was formerly married to an heir of the Ford Motor fortune. Some of the money he says he lost in the scheme with the crooked Czech belonged to the woman we initially Googled, who at that point was his "life partner" and testified on his behalf. We have no lead on where *her* money came from, but he at some point founded a luxury handbag company.

Which, here's a plot twist:

my coworker's wife JUST BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE HANDBAGS. In the going out of business clearances at Boscov's. Literally last week.

So it's a small world and I don't know what the moral of the story is but I kind of just want to eat the rich, now. I mildly resented this woman's Instagram because it's all beautiful wilderness and pretty dogs and no hint of, like, work or stress or anything, but now I'm like... how did they end up with the  Czech fugitive (who is holed up in the Bahamas in a gated community he can't leave)'s Colorado compound? 

They portrayed themselves as the wounded party, having been scammed by this guy and having no idea he'd bribe government officials. (He is quoted in a 2008 Bloomberg article as saying more or less verbatim what on God's green earth did these idiots think I was going to do with literally $200 million in cash that I literally carried on a literal plane into the 3rd most corrupt nation on this earth, if not bribe government officials? which to be fair is an excellent point. he maintains that while it's illegal for Americans to bribe foreign officials, he's not American, so he didn't break the law. The FBI disagrees, but the Bahamian government sided with him and won't extradite.) 

Yeah anyway ya boi, from the Instagram posts, was sentenced to a year and  a day in prison, served less than a year, the prison was a "minimum-security" facility whose title was literally "something idyllic Camp" and had, like, 100 prisoners in it. I am sure he suffered. The Czech guy had many of his overseas assets seized, but he initially made his fortune by ripping off Czechs who were given vouchers representing interests in the state utilities that were being sold off. That's what he did, he defrauded these people, stripped company assets, pocketed the money. That's where that house in Colorado came from. He's still got a multi-million-dollar compound in the Bahamas, that poor guy. (It has a pool with an underwater cavern and bar. That poor asshole, how he suffers!)

The wealthy don't deserve their wealth. They just don't. I don't know where she got her money and I don't care; she was already rich enough that she had money to give to this guy expressly to rip off Azerbaijan. I don't know where ya boi initially got his money and I don't care. I DO know where the Czech got his money and I hate him. Eat them all. Holy shit. 

[pacman-tattoo]

RICH AS YOUR OLDER BROTHER IM OUT BYE

alrighty so. rich.

rich ur “big brother” who u may or may not be taller than whoops

if your shorter than him then you probably get shit from him sometimes for it but if ur taller??? u give him shit about it

but also if ur shorter then who is gonna get shit down off of high shelves….

gdi this is illegal

i can guarantee at least once at children u had a “GET ON MY SHOULDERS, WE CAN REACH IT” that ended badly

rich being kinda insecure about his lisp and ur like “bro no its cute and i’ll beat up anyone who says otherwise”

fRESHMaN YE A R

rich is honestly in a shitty mental state and the two of you spend late nights just sitting around talking about shit softly

one night rich is lying on his bed and ur just sitting on the floor

he brings up the idea of this… thing that could make shit better for him.

??? where did that even come from

he mumbles something about getting the money though….

??? rich u ok bro

hey guys remember rich has an older brother??? yeah he’s there

he works. a lot. like, as much as a high school graduate can, honestly.

uh shit i’m gonna name him gabriel

he’s like 3-4 years older than rich

anyway gabe is pretty cool i lowkey just wanted to mention him

the three of you would laugh over memes before rich got squipped and you can fight me on it

boy gets squipped. probably right before his sophomore year, during summer is that why he’s been saving money??? for a pill???

actually doesn’t really change at first? he’s still ur big bro and you two still have ur late night chats but eventually rich starts telling you to leave him alone and that he doesn’t “feel like talking”

ur worried but ur just kinda like “oh… okay then.”

time to Start Bottling Feelings

sophomore year for rich and ur freshman year and you get a lot of people asking if you’re related to rich???

also…. did… what happened… rich ur lisp???

rich…?

also he’s hanging out with people like jake dillinger more??? like, they were kind of friends before but now they’re pretty close???

you’re… kind of an outcast because plenty of ppl approach you asking about rich and try to befriend you just to get to rich and it’s more of a “i’m not putting up with this shit” sort of thing

rich’s junior year. he’s more of a dick??? gdi rich.

you fight? like, nothing physical but sometimes you two fight on the way home if he’s actually driving you, because it’s rare that he actually do shit for you instead of just blowing you off for some random girl he met.

gabe is at home for once. you nearly vent to him because, fuck, man the stress is getting to you but then he’ll say something to rich and you don’t want rich getting pissed at you

btw you’ve kind of adopted fred, rich’s lizard (he’s a bearded dragon!!!)

you talk to him sometimes and ur like “sorry rich is an asshole”

rich snapped at you once to get out of his room and then he saw your reaction and actually felt bad and comforted you and apologized but something about it??? threw you off???

you probably apologized to jeremy after rich wrote ‘BOYF’ on his backpack before disappearing back into the background because will it even matter?

rich signed up for the play. hoo boi.

you’ve gotten to be kinda anxious around rich??? he noticed. (his SQUIP did too.)

all of a sudden he’s… really nice to you? it’s kinda scary. he sometimes takes you out with his friends and fuck, dude, is this all just a prank? it’s not fucking funny.

somehow you get invited to jake dillinger’s halloween party? like “hey you seem cool, rich you should bring them with you” and u go to be polite and decline but rich is like “yeah i’ll bring them!!! they’re cool, right?”

so you kinda get roped into that. 

before rich leaves with you, he fights with ur dad and it’s really, really shitty

you basically sit on the couch the entire time as people get drunk and make out around you - at least, until christine pops up.

“hey, you’re rich’s little-” “no, i’m not-” and you’re lowkey pissed because you don’t want to be here???

christine is still sweet tho. eventually you get up and tell her you’re gonna go sit in rich’s car until he passes out or does whatever - you don’t have any intention of going home, so…

FUCK IS THE HOUSE ON FIRE

rich??? is rushed to the hospital and you panic because fuck!!! no shit no not rich, fuck

(gabe takes off work and basically stays at your side.

you hear a lot of shit about rich while you’re at school.

… wait a second, what the fuck is that jeremy kid doing near rich’s locker???

you confront him. he stares at you while he’s holding the shoebox from rich’s locker and seems like he’s debating shit.

but… the scary thing is the same exact thing happened to rich. he’d just kinda linger for a bit, as if someone’s-

fuck was that the pill? the thing??? that fucked up rich???

“give me the box” “what? no!” “give me the damn box-” “fuck no-” “JEREMY HEERE, GIVE ME THE DAMN BOX” 

he doesn’t. you get pissed enough and decide to just tell him to go fuck himself

you head to beth israel hospital and go up to rich’s room

he’s actually awake for once

“im gonna fight you” 

fun fact: rich was gonna buy you a SQUIP before his own talked him out of it + rich, where are you gonna get the money for another?

he’s glad he didn’t because he doesn’t know how he would live with himself if he talked you into taking it and then the idea of you being forced into being someone and the shocks and-and-and

the idea is pretty fucking scary, especially after what happened at jake’s party - wait fuck where were you when the fire started shit he should have never taken you with him-

it’s a lot of shit

a loooot of shit

like, remember how much shit reader went through with big brother jeremy???

it’s worse.

so much fucking worse

there’s a lot of strain on your relationship and you just watch him sometimes, wondering is the SQUIP really gone and sometimes you panic over the idea of it coming back

uh happy headcanons 

as kids you two also had matching costumes and 95% of them were superheroes!!!

gabe would walk around with you two

good times

except when you and rich fought over candy

actually even then it was good times

uh

thats all i got

rich and you take care of fred again

little things, my dudes

it’s the little things

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 7

The man on the screen is Governor Cyprian General Cortas, who is the father of Andi’s first ever (accidental) kill. 

So of course, this means that Andi must have yet another dramatic flashback:

Wind in her hair, the kiss of freedom coating her skin as she sprinted through the darkness hallways, Kaley Kalee beside her.

Laughter bubbling between them as they snuck onto the Governor’s general’s personal starship transport ship.

The click of Kaley’s Kalee’s harness, buckled tight in the copilot’s seat, and Andi’s nervous laughter, again, as she dared Kaley to undo the harness.

To fly free.

“Don’t you trust me?” Andi asked, as her fingers curled over the wheel.

looked at her charge, the girl she was sworn to protect.

“Are you sure about this?” Andi asked, her fingers curled over the throttle.

Kalee lifted a pale brow, a smile tugging at her lips. “As my best friend and personal Spectre, I command you to do this, Androma.”

The engine purred as Andi started it up. A feeling of excitement coursed through her at the sound.

Kalee smiled. “For once in your life, have some real fun.”

Young Andi was a total dumbass, as you can see.

Shinsay decided to rewrite this scene to further absolve Andi of any crime. See? Kalee ordered Andi to do it! Technically it wasn’t her fault!

Also, I’m glad to see that Kaley’s name went from white to whiter.

I see that they changed this dude from governor to general, and chose to have the narration and the characters properly address him by his surname instead of his first name.

I hope the people who bought the preview bit were compensated, because they basically bought the first goddamn draft and were promised that “not much sould change” in the final product, yet here we are, with major character and narrative changes. 

I guess if nothing is of any consequence, then this doesn’t matter, but in a good book, even small changes can make a big difference.

In front of her was a victim of her foolishness, and next to her was the man who created her and then betrayed her.

The man in front of her was a victim of her foolishness. Beside her was the man who’d rejected her love.

The two of them, together? It was nearly enough to shatter Andi.

Yeah, look at this hardened badass nearly shattering because of Teh Menz. I get why she’d be upset in Cyprian’s presence, but Dex is her shitty (D)ex, why is she so miffed over him?

Why was the line changed from Dex betraying her to him “rejecting her love?” Andi had a good reason to hate him before, but now she’s just a woman scorned? Come on, Shinsay. Weren’t you all about girl power and shit? Can’t do one goddamn thing right, can you?

And can I just wonder about the possible and implied age difference between Andi and Dex? If he’s old enough to have taught her “everything she knows,” he’d have to be older to actualy know those things. Is this going to go into squick territory?

Anyway, Andi sees Arcardius behind the general and we find out that she attended the “Academy” with other “military students,” where she also learned to dance (???) and how to pilot ... things, I guess, and also where she’d been handpicked to be the personal “Spectre” for the general’s daughter, which is apparently super duper cool and most people only DREAM of. 

Everyone wants to be a dancing body guard, I guess. 

Cyprian reads some of Andi’s crimes back to her from a newspaper for ... reasons. So we can know how epic and edgy she is.

Turns out that she once shot down two passenger ships as a “distraction” from when she was smuggling illegal weapons. I’m ... not even going to open that can of strategically questionable worms.

Update: This has been changed to Andi shooting down two “black market ships” (what does that mean) and the debris from that battle falling down on a “village.”

Just one village? That’s some pinpoint aim on that debris. 

Also, this just further removes Andi from doing any actual harm. Like yeah, she did a dumb thing, but in the original version, she purposefully shot down civilian ships as a distraction. 

How the fuck did you edit your book about a space pirate and make her WIMPIER?! 

Can’t fucking handle the thought of your character not being morally fucking flawless, can you? Unless it’s just on the surface and only there when she needs to be sexy and badass, huh?

[Andi] took complete responsibility for those deaths. She’d never thought the debris would get through the atmosphere in such large pieces, let alone hit one of the few settlements on Pazus.

Oh, and she even feels remorse and takes responsibility, what a peach! 

Jesus Christ, how fucking boring can she get? 

It’s honestly so sad how even female authors can’t write morally grey or just outright cruel female characters in fear of them being unlikeable. 

Yeah, bitch. That’s the point. Let her be shitty and unlikeable. You can’t both let her be a ruthless space pirate and the “Bloody Baroness” and a pwecious widdle angel who cries for every man she kills and knits little mittens for their children and widows.

One of the darker choices I’ve made, Andi thought.

In case y’all didn’t get that shooting down two civilian ships and murdering over a dozen people for your own gain is “dark,” Shinsay’s here to clear it all up!

Update: This has been removed, but I’m leaving it in the snark because you need to see the stupidity, even if it was edited out.

“You were never caught,” Cyprian General Cortas said, his voice low, “but I knew it was you. That is what you do, Andi Androma. You leave a path of chaos in your wake, and you don’t ever look back to see whose lives were ended because of it.” His green blue eyes flashed at her.

It’s Morse code. He’s trying to tell you something, Andi.

.- -. -.. .-. --- -- .- .. ... .- -... ..- - - .... --- .-.. .

“The Bloody Baroness,” Cyprian General Cortas said, as he set setting down the screen, “is mentioned in thirteen cases since last year, six of those involving numerous deaths. Though And I have no doubt, Androma, that there are many more cases that went unnoticed. You are one of the most notorious criminals in all of Mirabel.”

Dude, did you come here to do anything besides stroking Andi’s ego? Because I’m getting kind of mixed signals here, buddy.

Bloody Baroness is still stupid and not at all intimidating, Shinsay.

At least she’s not an assassin and her job doesn’t rely on being undercover, I guess, so I’ll forgive some of the ridiculous infamy.

Against all odds, Zenith continues to be better than Throne of Glass.

“I’m not here for revenge,” he said, and again, Andi was reminded of the crash. The light. Kaley’s bloody hand, slipping from Andi’s as she breathed her last breath.

That’s great, buddy. You’ve had this flashback five times now.

Update: This has been removed. Why do you keep removing my favorite dumb bits, Shinsay? A pox on your house! 

Anywho, remember that dude in the MOST DARKNEST DARN DANKNESS DARK DARKNESS DARKNESS COLD VOID COLDEST VOID NOTHING EMPTY BLACK DARKNESS???

Turns out that he’s Cyprian’s son! And he’s been missing for a while! 

And now the general is so desperate that he’s asking Andi to help him find him again.

Valen, Kaley’s older brother with summer hair and soft eyes, who’d made her blush as a child, who’d never spoken more than a few fleeting words to Andi each time she visited Kaley’s floating estate on Arcardius.

*looks at Valen*

*looks at Dex Dogtective*

Hoo boy here we go.

Also, what does “summer hair” look like?

Update: This has been removed, and now Valen has “dark hair” and “soft hazel eyes.” There’s also no mention of him making Andi blush, and in fact the text says that they barely spoke to each other, though he did try to stop Kalee and Andi from sneaking out, and didn’t show up to court when Andi was on trial.

Three years after losing one child, the other had been taken from [Cyprian].

Two years after losing one child, the other had been snatched from him, too.

Again, the guilt clawed at Andi from inside.

I love how the inclusion of “again” both tries to excuse and also ironically highlights the extremely silly repetitiveness of Andi’s pointless oh-shit-I-feel-bad moments.

It’s Shinsay shrugging at the reader like: “Yep, there that wild bish Andi goes again with dem flashbacks.”

“Two weeks months ago, one of our satellites picked up a coded signal from Xen Ptera’s prison moon, Lunamere. The message was in the code that our top military operatives use, meaning only a select few know it. It said four words: I am here, Father.” Arcardian military code, which you no doubt remember from your time serving.”

We get a brief flashback to where Andi sits and tries to decode the “strange ancient symbols” where she admits that she can fight good but she’s not especially book smart. Why the hell are the military using one single code that apparently military students get to learn, and why the fuck is it ancient? 

That’s like ... the mother of all secutiry flaws. How has nobody cracked their code yet? What the fuck?

Anyway, apparently the general had been personally teaching his son this super secret, ancient, well-known code, and he thinks this signal is from Valen because it’s the last word he told him to decode.

I’m gonna love the explanation to how the fuck he even did that.

The reason Cyprian is telling her all this is because he wants Andi to find Valen, and he can’t send his men to do it because it would upset the fragile truce that’s between uh ... “their” part of the galaxy and the part of the galaxy where Valen is being held. Sending a pirate who has no official ties to anyone I guess makes sense, but this raises like a billion questions still.

Won’t the people holding him captive realize they’re working for Cyprian as soon as they try to bust him out? Just because they’re pirates he assumes they’ll be allowed to enter the prison and get whatever dude they want? What exactly is Cyprian expecting to happen here? Even if they’re pirates, when they deliver Valen back to him, the enemy will realize that they were infiltrated and still go to war. Or is he hoping that they’ll never admit that they did it? If they kidnapped the guy in the first place and placed him in the prison, they were already doing something that could easily provoke a war, so I don’t see them exactly backing down and pretending it didn’t happen. War is kind of inevitable at this point. It would’ve made more sense for Cyprian to hire Andi to smuggle him out so he’d be safe and not used as a pawn, but he’s framing it as a political move to avoid war, which doesn’t make much sense.

And if the government isn’t actually affiliated with the people who stole Valen, then why can’t he just ask them for help? Surely if they wanted to keep the peace, they’d help the guy find his son? I know that he suspects the government did it, and if they actually did it, keeping up appearances won’t change the outcome. If they didn’t do it, then asking might actually help him find him faster. I’m just saying that he probably should’ve like ... asked first. For political reasons, even if they deny it. The book does mention that “there has been no word from their end” (What, they’ve been silent for two years?), which is a red flag, but Cyprian should’ve been more persistent and not resort to pirates so quickly. The fact that they didn’t instantly jump to help him find Valen is enough to turn up the pressure, I’d say.

And why aren’t the people holding Valen captive demanding a ransom? He’s the son of an influential politician, what were they doing to him during these two years? Wouldn’t whatever medium Valen used to send out that signal still be picked up by the captors, even if they can’t decode it? (Don’t get me started on that btw.) When we saw Valen in the prison in the prologue, he was just rotting away and nobody seemed to want to keep him in good health because he’s a political asset, so why’d they take him in the first place? If he’s been gone for so long and has managed to survive but is seemingly also abandoned, what were they doing to him? What was their plan? “Let’s just grab him and have him sit there for shits and giggles.”

I guess these are questions that will be answered, but this feels a bit flimsy already.

*inhales*

I’m ok.

Andi says that she can’t do it.

“You can’t?” Cyprian The general barked out a laugh. “The Bloody Baroness does whatever she wants. Even if it means stealing a starship in the middle of the night, crashing it into the side of a mountain, and slaughtering an innocent girl in the process. One she was sworn to protect.”

Cyprian is supposed to sound angry here but somehow ends up stroking Andi’s ego some more.

“She was to be my heir,” Cyprian General Cortas whispered. “And you stole her from me. From my wife. From my people.”

Cyprian, you fucking drama queen. You do realize that military ranks can’t be inherited, yes?

This all makes sense to Andi, because of course.

The Mirabel Patrolmen couldn’t just waltz into a Xen Pterran prison and steal a prisoner out from under the guards without violating the terms of the treaty. The agreement was meant to prevent further war between Xen Ptera and the galaxy’ s other major systems, Prime, Stuna, Tavina and Phelexos. Galactic peace had always required a careful balancing act between each system, and when the Olen System rebelled, it had upset that balance.

The Unified Systems couldn’t risk an upset again.

But a pirate, not officially affiliated with any side...

Yeah, you’re right. And when you deliver that boy back to the general, he’ll just go “oi oi thanks lads, here’s your payment though you were totally not affiliated with me in any way lmao anyway cheerios” and the Xen Pterrans will be like “oh his son is back at his side is he? well that definitely doesn’t mean he hired people to invade our space, maybe Valen just walked out of the prison.”

Like ... they stole your son. They probably 100% stole your son. They broke the treaty. You’re free to attack. What I’d do is send in a spy, to check if Valen truly was there, get proof, and then hide him away to a safe place and then explode that shit. 

But no. Let’s send a fucking NOTORIOUS SPACE PIRATE with her FANCY SHIP and IDIOTIC, FLASHY METHODS (blew up two ships which then rained down on a village, good job).

That’ll fucking do it, you jackass.

“There is, of course, another option.”

Andi raised her eyebrows, and Cyprian General Cortas smiled, cold and calculating.

Cyprian tells Andi that if she does this, he’ll ERASE ALL HER CRIMES so she can START FROM SCRATCH. And if she refuses, he’ll just kill her.

“I will pardon you for your crimes. Lift your death sentence. You could return to Arcardius, Androma.”

Home, Andi’s mind whispered.

A thousand memories suddenly unlocked, poured into her from the place she’d kept them safely hidden away.

Her mother, twirling in a circle as a silver gown blossomed around her. Her freshly painted nails shining under the chandelier light as she pressed a soft hand to Andi’s cheek and whispered, “My daughter, protecting the general’s heir. A true Arcardian dream.”

Her father, later that night, praising Andi as she blocked his attack. “You’ve been practicing without me,” he said, hands flexing as he lunged forward and she slipped easily past him.

Arcardius, full of warmth and laughter and beauty .

Arcardius, full of Kalee’s screams and blood on Andi’s hands, hot and wrong and...

The chapter ends on Andi accepting (after making the general recite the “Arcardian Vow,” bless this book’s little heart) and asking for ship upgrades to help on the mission and we get this:

At that, Cyprian the general smiled, and looked not at Andi, but at Dex.

“He The bounty hunter will take care of that for you,” Cyprian General Cortas said, his voice dripping with sick satisfaction, “since he’ll be joining you on your mission.”

Oh, joy.

Who saw this coming. I sure didn’t.

What a buffet of surprises Shinsay has cooked up for us. 

[parkminihyuk]

tagged by @markslongassride thx bb 

go to https://www.random.org/lists/ and write your 15 biases listen i’m including some figure skaters my life is not complete without them

1. mom/dad: wonpil lmao what an interesting time

2. sibling: jinyoung wow our family must be blessed with #genes both of us are fine as hell

3. grandma/grandpa: fuckin’ min yOOnGi of everyone on this list i was hoping it’d be him imagine crotchety old dick of a grandpa yelling at kids from his porch is #hip tries to dance and breaks his hip doing so just imagine

4. haunts me: park minhyuk. tru. this boi haunts everything i do. what a boi. 

5. boy/girlfriend: kino hell yeah bOi i love my son did you see this motherfucker in can you feel it when i first saw it i literally had to pause the video and scream his purple hair was such a #look tbh tho imagine him as a boyfriend teaching u how to dance and like ur terrible and he’s like “nah bb ur doing great!!1!” and like sdhga;dslfjk it would be so cute so pure i need to stop giving myself feels at 1:54 in the morning

6. my ex: dean. who hurt him???? i guess i did whoops 

7. best friend: amber heck yep that would be the fuckin’ best like even if she isn’t actually gay she is Gay which is great for me i love her a lot

8. proposed to me: evgenia medvedeva holy shit holy shit listen if u don’t know evgenia is this russian figure skater and she is So Good since her senior debut the only thing she’s gotten other than gold is silver. once. and she’s gorgeous and she did an exhibition performance to sailor moon and she once did an illegal jump combination of a triple-triple-triple that got discounted but like listen that kind of combo is hardly seen in men’s if at all (mostly bc they’re quad bois now) but like even a triple-triple is considered like the thing that puts you at the top of the scoreboard and this girl. i hate her. also she’s gorgeous and a huge nerd and posts memes of herself on twitter i would love if this girl proposed to me

9. boss: yuzuru hanyu another figure skater literally the best in the world in men’s rn he holds like the top three world records he’s broken his own world records he’s the only person to have landed a triple loop successfully if you want a hint of how good he is in 2014 during his free skate warm-up he got smacked into (warning for blood) by another skater and hit his chin on the ice, was probably badly concussed but damn he skated anyway and like he fell three or four times and was super wobbly and nearly collapsed when he got off the ice his coach had to help him to the kiss and cry bc he literally could not stand on his own and he still got second in that competition also he skates just beautifully i’m in love so long story short he would be a heck of a boss bc he’s super driven and works insanely hard but also i feel like he would be supportive? he and his friend and training mate and second-best skater in the world javi fernandez mother the ever-living fuck out of my boi nam nguyen i’ll put links for some of the skating stuff they may be random so i can get in good performances also fun fact yuzu has a winnie the pooh tissue box he fuckin loves pooh it’s adorable as shit i’m sorry for this dissertation

10. random person i met at the bar: jeon jeongguk i mean both of us would probably be the “we are too young to drink we’re driving our super drunk friends home let’s nurse these cokes and talk about music and nerdy shit all night” squad in the corner avoiding the noise level of the bar itself bc that shit would give me a migraine and i feel like he would dance for a while and then want a place to relax

11. rival: mark tuan tbh it’s probably just us competing for jinyoung’s affection or seeing who has the shittiest memes let’s be honest i couldn’t be that boy’s rival he’s better than me in so many ways but also so sweet i feel like if i tried to compete with him i would feel bad also he’s pretty can it be that rivals-to-lovers thing

12. first kiss: hwasa mmmmmmMMMMM a Good Time 

13. get drunk and sing karaoke with: soohyun from akmu omg it would probably just be all the ballads and us sobbing over each other due to how pretty we both are with the occasional “let’s fucking party” and her trying to rap her brother’s lines while i try to manage her high notes and we both laugh at each other’s failures

14: 7 minutes in heaven with: lee sungyeol of infinite hoo boi would that be an experience that horny fucker is keeping his hands off of me but like also seven minutes of us planning a real dumb prank on the rest of the group and they let us out thinking we were having a Good Time of a different sort but little do they know,,,,

15. gives me my favorite dessert: kim myungsoo also of infinite tbh that one is so easy he’s such a sweet boi why would it be a surprise he would give me this

lemme link some skating things and i’ll go

not really feeling that tagging thing tbh so the notes from my last aroha selca day is what’s happening here @beanhyuks @wowrocky @pyemul @pinknormal @mysomewhatcreativeoutlet @amohyunwoo @ihazjiminsjamz @jennita-jenny @confessionsforjinjin @parkminhyvks @wellokthenuniverse @distinguished-dinosaur @astaronomy @binjinjin @arohawe @astrobinwoo @minimaxi1