#anyways you ever die to a god of war and fire and make your cat-mom cry

[axe-trio-commanders]

Griffons

Spoiler warning for PoF, a bit of HoT, and LWS4. This one actually doesn’t take place in my commanders’ cannon- it’s based on... one of several AU’s I’ve put them in, as will all but one of the stories I’m doing for the Tyrias library halloween prompts. This one in particular is from one dubbed the ‘TC’ au- which stands for ‘technically cannon’, as it... was that, until it uh. Wasn’t. Might have used it as an excuse for griffon plants. Anyways, enjoy some cryptids! (Oh also a small tw for severe burn wound descriptions and being held hostage at dagger-point)

The fire griffon of Elona.

It wouldn't be the first time Zafirah had encountered the thing, if she saw it here- entire form covered in fire, feral growls echoing from its throat... it’d only been in passing, and she’d been assured Balthazar had it ‘under control’, but she’d seen the charred remains of both sides of combat littering the desert. Nothing survived contact with it.

It had arrived near the same time Balthazar had, and rumors of where it’d come from abounded- some claimed it was simply a new pet of the god’s, others that it was some corrupted form of a third hound- still others that it was some poor fool who’d unknowingly desecrated his name.

Everyone had assumed it’d run rampant upon Balthazar’s death at the hands of the… ‘commander’, but sightings of it simply... vanished, after the event. It hadn’t seemed under control before, to Zafira’s knowledge, but perhaps it was simply consumed by the crystal dragon. And yet...

And yet, her god’s death seemed to bring about something... else. She’d heard it referred to as the griffon’s ghost, but she- nor anyone else she’d managed to talk to- had ever gotten a clear glimpse of the thing. She’d hoped, herself, to find it and get answers to what had happened to Balthazar, but... the best she’d got were vague descriptions- a small, planty form, (like one of those ‘sylvari’, some claimed,) large ghostly wings, a cold, gripping magic that shifted sands into demons- some had even claimed it to glow violet in the darkness...

The deadeye breathed a long sigh, gaze travelling across the horizon from across her tower. Her final stand, arena below filled with gas that’d already claimed the lives of a few... ‘pact members'. Not as many as she’d like. She supposed, as her last stand, it was... maybe a little silly to be thinking about such legends now- it wasn’t as if she’d see either of them tonight. It wasn’t as if she’d get any answers tonight.

She paused, tightening her hold on her rifle as she caught movement at the far end of the arena. A few glimpses, and she could make out the basics. Charr, medium armor, close-range weapons, hooded face. Maybe they thought it would help with the gas...? Either way, she’d steady her aim, focusing on it as it made its way closer. Just like so many others...

And then, she felt a chill at her back, turning to see-

Zafirah’s eyes widened at the sight before her. Large, ghostly wings, reminiscent of the now rarely seen sunspear griffon, spread wide as if they’d just landed. The blue glow of the somewhat translucent wings mixed with bright violet on the stone below- eyes like a feline’s staring back at her, long, feathered ears tilted forwards, bright lines marking out what might have been a human-like face, were it not so dark red in hue, and-

The creature smiled, lifting Balthazar’s sword from the ground. “Apologies, but we’re going to need this.”

...Legend or not, she needed that sword. She needed it until the... commander showed their face, and they certainly hadn’t yet. She’d heard no hints that they’d be this subtle- a charr wouldn’t be bashful after killing a god.

Zafirah narrowed her eyes, shoving her rifle into it’s hold as she brought out her paired daggers, lunging for the creature. As ghostly as their wings looked, the rest of them seemed solid- and though they were nimble, they seemed noticeably slowed by the weight of the sword they were carrying, only barely dodging her attacks, unable to offer any of her own with her hands full.

“I think I need it more,” Zafirah growled, lunging again.

“I really doubt that.” The other’s tone grew darker, leaping over her with a beat of those ghostly wings. “We need it to track an elder dragon who’s been cavorting about the mists, tearing through reality.”

“So, what Balthazar was doing before he was murdered?”

“Yes, but with less loss of innocent lives or general world-imploding.”

They’d continue their dance on the rooftop- Zafirah getting closer with each strike, the other’s eyes cold, calculating- was that a hint of nervousness she saw?

“You really think you can kill a dragon better than a god?”

“I’d say I’m obligated to try.” The other paused, standing up a little straighter near the edge of the roof. “Or- well, we are.”

...The sword was gone. Zafirah wasn’t sure when the other had... lost it, but- ...the charr. She must have thrown it to-

No, not now, she hadn’t lost yet. Wouldn’t lose yet.

Her opponent was too cocky, grin too confident- an easy target. Not thinking further, the deadeye lunged, knocking her back and against the low wall of the tower roof- then placing a knee against her chest to hold her there, placing a dagger to her throat. Zafirah saw her wings start to curl around the both of them, felt clawed hands pushing at her arm- saw the first clear hint of fear in her eyes. Still mortal, then.

“Bring me back the sword, and I let her live,” Zafirah called, letting her voice echo around the arena.

The creature’s eyes narrowed. “It’s fine, just take the sword and go! She’s bluffing,” She retorted.

Zafirah leaned more weight into her hold, seeing the other wince. “Legend or not, I really wouldn’t mind killing you.”

The other paused, then smirked. “And what’s to say I don’t just come back again?”

...She was bluffing. Zafirah had seen the fear in her eyes- she feared death just as much as anyone else.

And then... they both turned their gaze towards movement in the corner of their vision- seeing that same charr make her way up the steps towards them, ears pinned flat against her head, tail whipping back and forth in agitation- and Zafirah saw her god’s sword held in both of their clawed hands. The charr certainly believed it.

“...Let her go. Please.”

The charr’s voice was... softer, than she’d expected it to be- somewhat hoarse, but lacking the raw aggression their race had been famed for.

“If you want her, you’ll give me the sword,” she replied evenly.

“I- I know. And I will, but- I want you to think about this first. She wasn’t lying to you, we... we really do need it- innocent people are dying because we have no idea where Kralkatorrik will strike. The land is being corrupted- even breaking reality itself in places. Tyria- Elona is dying.” She took a step forward, lowering her head. “You can help us. You can help us finish what Balthazar started, in a way that will actually save everyone.”

A… tempting offer. A soft, strained voice, with honeyed words... she narrowed her eyes. “You can have the sword when the commander is dead.”

The charr paused, and she caught her and the creature exchanging glances. Did they... know the commander? If they did, she might have to keep this hostage a little-

“I think your god kinda beat you to that,” the creature chirped, earning a sharp glare from the charr. “Problem is, I’ve kinda got this habit of not staying dead.”

Zafirah looked down at her, gaze clearly disbelieving. No... no, this couldn’t be the commander. This tiny thing couldn’t have the power to kill a god- not hers, not anyone’s god, let alone elder dragons... but the ability to come back from the dead, only in the faintest of rumors-

“...No, I’m not letting you do this,” the charr muttered- and Zafirah glanced back to her, saw her fur standing on end, saw her posture straighten. “She might have been involved, but if it’s the commander you’re after, it’s more likely you’ve been looking for me.” She paused. “...I know I’m not what you expected. I’m not... really what anyone expected, let alone myself. But I... don’t want to lie to you. I’d really rather not fight you. Just let her go. Please.”

...Hm. It’d be so easy for either of them to lie, wouldn’t it? Should she believe either of them? Maybe she should just take the lives of both of them and be done with it. But if either of them were telling the truth, and she’d never know...?

“Prove it to me, then. Give me some reason to believe you’ve fought a god.”

“Well, if you’d like me to give you a tour of the mists-”

The creature’s words were cut short as the charr slipped off her hood, then pulled down the mask covering her muzzle- looking towards Zafirah with a pleading gaze. It was...

...it was almost... horrific, the scars that laced her muzzle. Burns, most of them- she could only see patches of what bright orange fur should have covered it, but the rest was either charred black or covered in dark red scars, one of her two long front teeth seeming to have recently acquired a metal brace. It was the marks of a battle-worn charr, and it was easy to imagine the sort of deistic fire that may have caused them- but the look in her eyes, the pleading in her voice, seemed so... out of place...

“...I took something important from you. I might not understand what that was, not completely- charr aren’t known for their, uh... belief. But I hope you understand me when I say that I can’t lose her again.”

...No. No, she couldn’t understand. Zafirah would have to make her understand.

She’d only start to push in the dagger when she felt, saw and heard the roar of flames, the charr an abrupt blur of motion as the deadeye felt herself thrown across the roof, skidding across stone. She heard snarls, only slightly above the fire, and looked up to see that same scarred face- now unrecognizable beneath the yellow-orange glow of flames, wings splayed threateningly from their back, tail whipping back and forth as they slowly stalked towards her on all fours to-

“...Zori?”

...The smaller one’s words were enough to give the predator pause- pause enough for the small, equally griffon-esque figure to push themself up, bounding in front of the fiery cat- putting a shaking hand through the fire to hold the side of their face. “Zori, it’s okay, it’s over. I’m okay. I’m alive, Balthazar’s gone, Joko’s gone, Mordremoth’s been dead for months- we’re gonna get the sword, we’re gonna deal with Kralkatorrik, and then we’ll get to rest, okay?”

The flames slowly, surely began to die down again, wings soon wisping away into the air, and... again, Zafirah was left with only a charr- an exhausted one, by how hard she was breathing, and how her entire form... collapsed, when the final flame died, apparently needing a moment to recover before pulling the smaller into a tight embrace.

“...I- Seremnis, are you-?” “I’m just fine, Zori. You didn’t hurt me. You didn’t hurt anyone.”

“But I almost-”

“But you came back, and I’m still here.”

"I'm... I'm sorry..."

Zafirah stood, shakily, stepping back from the both of them. Her gaze wandered to the sword she’d been so adamantly protecting, seeing it... alight, burning with a new fire- then back towards the pair, now sitting in a companionable silence. She noticed the smaller give a fearful glance towards the sword, heard her breathing hitch for a moment before she buried her face in the charr’s fur.

Zafirah wasn’t convinced of their motives, not yet- ...but she’d just... follow them, for now. Let them have the sword. See what they said they’d do with it once they thought she was out of earshot. After all...

...There was... another legend. Maybe less of a legend, more of a warning- though it’d been plenty long enough since the other race had been spotted in Elona that it was more a parable than a true warning for most.

She turned, putting her daggers back in their hold as she walked down from the roof, shadowstepping through the fog. 

You could fight the charr in war all you wanted, but only a fool would ever hurt their cubs.

[finleycannotdraw]

Guess what? I’m re-binge-reading Good Omens. And here are some Obervations that I forgot about and some things I might put in fics. Also things I found funny. Basically my dumb commentary on the book.

Crowley actually flees Sister Mary. He doesn’t saunter vaguely away. He flees.

Ligur is rather more thoughtful than he’s portrayed in the show

Anathema likes to read about herself, and her teachers are confused because she spells words like Agnes Nutter

Crowley apologizes

By page 41, it is mentioned at least twice that Aziraphale and Crowley Do Not choose each other’s company for any reason other than that they are constants, that they have an Arrangement, and that they are Friends because being Enemies got boring.

Aziraphale blushes!!!!!!

The Drunk Scene is fuckin hilarious and it’s actually a lot longer than it is in the show, and really you ought to read it. (Book pages 47-50)

My mom (who has a PhD in human development) would probably like to talk to Crowley about upbringing because they seem to agree on how important it is

War has always looked 25, and had a vulture that died of fatty degeneration

Pollution is very cleverly compared to actual pollution

Warlock has Kermit the frog overalls, and Nanny Ashtoreth is described as someone who “advertises unspecified but strangely explicit services in certain magazines”. The tutors are present for about four paragraphs. Warlock is good at math and likes banana flavored bubblegum.

Crowley has a slice of angel cake. Aziraphale eats it. Aziraphale also eats deviled eggs. Hm.

Crowley calls Aziraphale angel casually enough to suggest he’s been doing it for a long time

Some girl at Warlock’s party calls Aziraphale a f*ggot

Crowley glares suspiciously at a gerbil. It is suggested that Hell has, in the past, sent hell-gerbils in place of hellhounds.

“Oh dear,” muttered Aziraphale, not swearing with the practiced ease of one who has spent six thousand years not swearing, and who wasn’t going to start now.

Adam and his friends play in a place called The Pit, where shopping carts go to die, apparently

Crowley is the first one to mention sides in the book!??!? Also Crowley goes on about how humans are more evil than Hell (but he calls himself evil—is he calling himself human already?)

Aziraphale yells “get off the road, you clown!”

“What’s a velvet underground?” *love confession???* “you wouldn’t like it”

Aziraphale is a bit rude to Crowley in the “flashes of love” scene and Crowley is less panicked about it

Crowley glares at the Bentley and it fixes itself

Anathema’s bike is called Phaeton

COULD THEY ACT ANY MORE MARRIED OH MY GOD

Aziraphale speaks like. Like ugh. “FlOUndeR on tHe rOcKS of inEquiTY”

“Thirty seconds later someone shot both of them. With incredible accuracy.” *cuts to a random pleasant story about Mary Hodges* *cuts back to where Aziraphale has fallen into a rhododendron and Crowley licks the paint before he knows it’s paint* dumbasses

Crowley does not slam Aziraphale into the wall

Crowley is actually pretty impatient and doesn’t argue with Aziraphale when he’s worried

“Nothing but dust and fundamentalists” “that was nasty” “sorry, couldn’t help it”

When the radio sings “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,” Crowley sings “for me” and then screams

Crowley asks Aziraphale if he’ll keep in touch, and Aziraphale doesn’t say tickety-boo, and then Crowley says “right” and feels very alone

the international express man is small and has glasses, and wears green woolen socks

The sword, which turns out to be Aziraphale’s, is described as having an aura of hatred and menace, which makes me think of how it could’ve gotten that aura from Heaven or from humanity or from War...

In the book Pepper has red hair and freckles, which makes it a cool comparison to War’s appearance and the defeat of War

Adam is excellent at slouching, apparently

Occasionally, as Aziraphale reads the book, he would very nearly swear

“He wouldn’t have said ‘that’s weird’ if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins.”

“If you had told him there were children starving in Africa he would’ve been flattered that you’d noticed.”

“...that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide.” (151)

Wensleydale watches David Attenborough programs

Shadwell’s voice is described as “the color of an old raincoat” and seems to fake smoking cigarettes

Aziraphales cocoa is moldy and solidified by the time he calls Arthur Young, and has a thin layer of dust on himself too

Newt says that the walls look like nicotine and the floor looks like cigarette ash, and he suspects both are, actually, coated with these substances

Newt looks a bit like Clark Kent, and people seem to like Shadwell for some reason, much to his annoyance.

Aziraphale calls Shadwell “dear boy” on the phone

Agnes Nutter called God a daft old fool #goals

Adam is wayyyy too good at video games

Smelling Anathema’s perfume makes Newt uncomfortable

Adam suggests that Pepper ought to have Russia cause of her red hair (huh)

Anathema and Newt actually have decent conversations?? Like?? Show??? C’mon, man. The show kinda butchered their relationship.

Trees, apparently, make a ‘vvrooooommm’ sound when they grow very fast

“He suspected that Crowley was from the Mafia, or the underworld, although he would have been surprised how right he nearly was.” Shadwell also thought Aziraphale was a Russian spy. Wow, Shadwell.

Aziraphale calls Crowley and actually says “shut up” to him, and then when the answering machine beeps, he tells Crowley to “stop making noises” and then he swears for the first time ever.

The fuckin’ footnote on page 227

“A sleek computer was the sort of thing Crowley felt that the sort of human he tried to be would have.” I like the word choice here. He’s not pretending to be a human, he’s trying to be one. That’s a really important distinction.

It never actually says what Crowley does to his plants.

Crowley’s flat is very white. Wow, Crowley. It just looks dark because of the lighting. Heaven imagery and symbolism out my ears, goddammit.

Why does Hell say Crowley’s name so much when talking to him?? Honestly, I think that’s an intentional dig at his chosen name, using it in their speech to scare him. Wow, Hell. (And wow, Finn, excellent sentence)

Whenever the book says something is shaped like something, it definitely isn’t that thing. “man-shaped” “dog-shaped” “car-shaped”... makes it pretty obvious they aren’t men, dogs, or cars, huh.

The code to Crowley’s safe is 4004. The year he “slithered onto this stupid, marvelous planet”... and the year he met Aziraphale, of course. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Crowley, my dude.

Crowley consideres sticking Hastur into his car until he turns into Freddie Mercury but then decides even he isn’t that cruel

Actual text that I feel like nobody really agrees with: “Madame Tracy was by many yardsticks quite stupid”

“Do I look like I run a bookshop?” “...imagine me out of uniform, sir, and what kind of man would you see before you? Honestly?” “A prat.”

I’m crying. The fucking bookshop fire scene made me fucking cry. I’m literally crying.

“...on all fours in the blazing bookshop, Crowley cursed Aziraphale, and the ineffable plan, and Above, and Below.” “The police and firemen looked at him, saw the expression on his face, and stayed exactly where they were.” “...a crack of thunder so loud it hurt....” *the sound of Finley sobbing into their cat*

The shortest biker in the cafe thing is 6′2, what the fuck

War, Famine, Pollution, and Pop Trivia 1962-1979

“Pollution removed his helmet and shook out his long white hair. He had taken over when Pestilence, muttering about penicillin, had retired in 1936. If only the old boy had known what opportunities the future had held.” HMMMMMMMMMMM

“There were no bitches in Hell either.” I know it’s talking about female dogs, but I rather thought Hell was full of bitches.

“Why are you talking like a poofter?” “Ah. Australia.”

“gOsh, aM i on teLEviSiON?” (Basically Aziraphale gets passionate about stuff and likes to talk).

Crowley is actually an optimist and doesn’t dwell too much on how sucky the world is. He doesn’t go get smashed in a bar. He just finds Aziraphale’s notes in the book and heads to Tadfield. And also, his new pair of sunglasses just... materializes out of his eyes. And he likes to whistle.

“Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking to Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty to Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping But Secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People traveled with them.”

“on top of the pile a rather large octopus waved a languid tentacle at them. The sergeant resisted the temptation to wave back.” Honestly dude, if an octopus waved at me I’d wave back.

Wait Agnes was apparently talking to Shadwell and not God when she said yowe daft old foole. I dunno

Madame Tracy: You old silly. Shadwell: 

Aziraphale does not know how to get rid of demons. Canonically. “Had never done other to get rid of demons than to hint to them very strongly that he, Aziraphale, had some work to be getting on with, and wasn’t it getting late? And Crowley always got the hint.”

The road to Hell is paved with frozen door to door salesmen, apparently. The question is where it is, because the demons always seem to just stem out of the ground.

“Heigh ho,” said Anthony Crowley, and just drove anyway. I love this sentence during that scene. 

I bet Hastur gets really mad whenever he hears Aziraphale’s voice from now on

Crowley isn’t breathing the entire burning Bentley scene

ADAM. SAID. “But I reckon you can make your own side” AND WE FUCKIN IGNORED IT?

The temperature above the M25 was simultaneously 700ºC and -140ºC which makes me think of something I read about magenta not being real. The M25 is magenta.

I feel like “Agnes” is just going to become an inside joke between Anathema and Newt at this point, and it will drive Crowley insane because he knows who she is but somehow still doesn’t get the joke.

I’m six inches taller than R.P. Tyler, and apparently according to the back sleeve of the book jacket, I’m very similar in height to Neil Gaiman

R.P. Tyler thought Shadwell was a ventriloquist’s dummy, and then sees cows doing somersaults

“That’s terrific. Much obliged,” said Crowley. — “Funny weather we’re having, isn’t it?” “Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” “Probably because your car is on fire.” .... Also the fact that Crowley looks like a young man which I find interesting.

“The Four Button-Pressers of the Apocalypse”

“Where is Armageddon, anyway?” “I’ve always meant to look that up.” “There’s an Armageddon, Pennsylvania”

Famine is the one that says “that’s one big avocado”, and also, I find it interesting that War, more than once, talks about love. (All is fair in love and war much?)

Anathema threatens the guard with a stick, pretending it’s a gun

Aziraphale, of course, asks Crowley to sort it out because he, Aziraphale, is “the nice one” and then proceeds to sort it out himself. Because of course he does. Because what else could he possibly do.

I just ADORE THIS BOOK OKAY

I’M PROBABLY GOING TO READ IT AGAIN IN A MONTH

Aziraphale and Crowley are so fuckin married I can’t

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 11-15

 LETS GO ROUND 3

episode 11: the other brothers elric part 1

yeet this thing edward

ok who r these so called other brothers

“METAL FATHER”

this girl’s uncle is sus. he’s now known as uncle lemons.

THE STONE???? WHOS MAKING A STONE 

oh shit they got kicked to the curb

“THE REAL ELRIC BROTHERS???????” WHOSE ASS

i bet “alphonse” is the taller one

never mind

this twink is annoying

on your knees???????????????????????

ed plz

oh twink doesnt need a circle but doubtful he’s opened a portal of truth

he’s got philosopher’s juice instead i suppose!!

wheres mugear or whoever

oh found him

LUST <3

girly looks hot 

anyways

oh its uncle lemons

these townspeople are annoying as shit

wow what a parallel tragic backstory

operation mole hole

what is the cough sub plot

i have questions

hmm there we go thx fletcher

ugh the twink is back 

and now he’s an attempted murderer

OH FUCKKKKKKKK

great going twink your brother is gonna die

his villain origin story 

uhhh what? part 2 i guess

episode 12: the other brothers elric part 2

fletcher is a homie

ed’s window dive was so dramatic

i literally cannot tell you what the twink’s name is

he is just twink

mugear is suspicious 

he’s not even an alchemist??? bro

who is nash tringham

is he important other than in this specific episode arc

nash tringham and uncle lemons definitely got naughty back in the day

to be fair what is uncle lemons’ name? i do not know

like i cant be expected to remember every one bit character’s name? especially when i have all this other fma knowledge floating around in my head

MARCOH!!!!!!!

why is ed sitting in the tree like that

ed: “google earth...always taking pics”

what is this stone making process with pregnant ladies who thought of this

lets all throw mugear in a septic tank

sussssssss

edward is so unimpressed by this mans

HAHA yes edward my son

“it’s been a good while since i killed anyone. i kinda miss it.” EDWARD YOU KILL ME LMAOOO

uh oh he’s got a red water gun or somethin

so fletcher is the plant alchemist i see

twink’s name is RUSSELL????? how did i miss that

wooooooof sucks to suck mugear

thats A LOT of red water

fletcher’s alchemy is so weird

from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waterssss

what in tarnation is this boy doing

i guess we have another prodigy on our hands okayyyy

why do i feel like we’ll see the tringhams again

uncle lemons strikes again with LEMONS

whats in the letter????

from russell??? why r u so embarrassed edward

thats mighty homosexual of you good sir

episode 13: fullmetal vs flame

so this one is called fullmetal vs flame which makes me think theyre animating that bonus chapter??!!!??!!! yes!!!!!

colonel sarcasm?? nice ed

i too enjoy mocking roy toy

al found a cat

he definitely did

yup

um who’s yelling

probably mustang that dumpster fire of a man

BREDA!!!!!!!!!

black hayate!!!!!!! baby!!!!!!!

FUERY!!!!! he’s so small

breda is a mess omg

havoc is a mess too

kitty! “he called to me” precious al

these boys are a trainwreck 

oh sad kitty flashback

mustang is such a freak 

yeaH i wondER if mustang knows marcoh hmmmmmm HMMM

“names not familiar” yeah sure baby all yall ishval war criminals know each other

ARMSTRONG!!! hey!!!

ummm wtf fuhrer bradley 

UM WHO IS THE LADY UM

hughes is a mESS

ed’s gremlin face gives me life

roy with hayate...im scared

take that dog away from him

yayayay bonus chapter fight scene!

shut up miniskirt man 

oh no take the mic away from hughes

“you just want a promotion!!!” “give back my girlfriend!!!” im dying

i too would love to put a fist in mustang’s face

“too slow” damn idk that was kinda hot

but no im still gonna kill him

he’s so stupid

this is so chaotic

oooh cut the glove yessss

ope never mind

oh great he’s getting flashbacks... well shit happens when you commit war crimes

“ehhh???”

oh hmm theyre saying ishBal in this one instead of ishVal

ill probably still write ishval im more used to that

oh no black hayate she’s gonna pop a cap ive seen this clip before

she did it

“strict mommy” oh um ok

poor kitty cat

scar IS heather

episode 14: destruction’s right hand

back in liore with some more amestrian war crimes on the docket for today

ayyy envy our favorite morally corrupt they/them

gluttony’s snack time

new op lets gooooo

im not vibing as much but hey its kinda poppin

oh hey armstrong what up baby

to be fair ed did meet marcoh with armstrong in manga canon so

hahaha no thats not the fullmetal alchemist...thats alphonse!!!

marcoh’s voice sounds different hold on 

yep different VA

dr marcoh’s alchemical oobleck 

oh hey basque grand u sexy mustachioed bootlicker you shouldnt be here

what the FUCK he’s a weapon of mass destruction

i wish so hard netflix let you screenshot so i could add pics for added value!!!

if philosophers stones fall under grand’s jurisdiction then he is VERY SUS

he aint it

ope hey scar 

this is an odd amalgamation of plot points

oops boy bye

ive always enjoyed scar’s CLEARLY adidas brand track pants

ummmm why did scar’s brother have BROWN hair

i- ok

i miss j michael tatum

ooooooh armstrong baby i was wondering where you were!

rose!!!! tell him!!! fuck u hakuro!!!!

trying to help?? dont make me laugh you’re a general in the amestrian military

episode 15: the ishbal massacre

kinda early for the ishval talk imo?? wonder what we’ll learn

armstrong is literally the buff rasputin trope on tiktok rn

“accidentally” shot an ishvalan child. hmm yeah no

envy just sneezed

HEY KIMBLEE YOU LITTLE SHIT

kimblee looks like christmas came early

they gave roy a stone??????? sounds noncanonical but ok

basque grand is literally wildin out fuck that guy

yuriy and sara’s skeletal remains just sneezed in the ground

wait a damn minute

wait a fucking minute

did roy

shoot

yuriy and sara

ROY SHOT WINRY’S PARENTS

and now hes gonna shoot himself

IM 

im taking a lap around my apartment OH MY GOD WHAT IN THE HELLLLLLLL

IM NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM THIS 

FINANCIALLY OR OTHERWISE

im texting my sister about it right now and just SCREAMING

OH NO NO NO MARCOH DO NOT TELL ED WHO KILLED THE ROCKBELLS

oh good he ran away

i literally CANNOT handle them finding out about this

ahaha roy shoots the gun in the air again

roy take that glove off its raining

riza’s leg sweep was way less funny this time

WAIT IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT ROY WAS AT THE HOUSE AND SPOKE TO WINRY AND PINAKO

i mean hes no idiot he knew

what did marcoh just do to scar im confused

nothing will ever make sense to me again after what ive just witnessed

feral al lets gooo

so this episode’s events were pretty similar. other than marcoh.

AND THE FUCKING ROY MUSTANG ISSUE...,........... 

OH NOOOOOO 

MOMS VOICE???

MOMS VOICE????

episode 15 said hey bitch lets watch your world come CRASHING The FUCK DOWN

[weaselbeaselpants]

That Krispy Cat: A Warning, part 3

The last of the images cause I don’t want this bitch on my computer anymore. 

Knowing tumblr I kept the images hidden JUUUUST in case no one reads the fine print and can’t tell I’m being critical of this and gets me in trouble.

VVV ((Just in case you thought the JewishGriffon piece assured everyone that Crispy couldn’t POSSIBLY hate people of color, some of her earliest Nazi art had her character Klaus beating up Amigo Bear. She also made Amigo into a liberal strawman. )) VVV

((Dialogue to one of her TROLLARIOUS pictures that featured Amigo:

Amigo Bear: *muttering* "Your leader was a !@#$% little #@%^!@$^*!, you fascist feather duster..." General Klaus: "Fräulein, Ich vant you to cover your ears und shut your eyes as tight as you can." Crispy: "How come, General?" General Klaus: "Klaus ist about to say und do very bad sings zhat he does not vant his little Edelweiß to see or hear." Crispy: "Alrighty!" General Klaus: "WHO SAID ZHAT ABOUT DER FÜHRER? WER DIE FICK GESAGT? WHO'S ZUH SCHLEIMIG LITTLE COMMUNIST-SCHEISS SCHWANZLUTSCHER DOWN ZHERE, WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH VARRANT? NIEMAND?! GOTTVERDAMMT STALIN SAID IT! HERVORRAGEND! VHICH VUN OF YOU VANTS TO BE ZUH FIRST TO FIND OUT ZUH HARD VAY VHY MEIN FEINDE CALLED MIR DER BUTCHER BIRD?" ))

^^^ ((BUTOPHERARTISGOODSOYOUCAN’TCOMPLAIN

also the disc. for this pic before it was deleted had a ‘joke’ about cooking Jews in ovens. Oh and yes, that IS Hitler she’s giving that ugly ass cupcake too.))

^^^ (( - Thanks dA I never would have known I had a notifications unless eclipse blah -

This is one of her rants about how #Triggered she is that Starlight be compared to the Nazis when she runs a communist cult. Because A) that’s the real problem here and B) I too get upset when people say my OC is based on Jeffrey Dahmer when he’s so CLEARLY based on Ed Gein, Bwwwaaaah D> D> D> !)) ^^^

VVV ((Ugly art of her friend’s awful OCs.)) ^^^

VVV ((Crispy showing off why no one wants to be a patriot in our country.)) VVV

((FYI, Crisp, that attitude will make the Hamilton fans stronger so just keep that SJW-flinging coming you little SJW.

WHAT?! Social Justice is a broad term and as Crispy’s plainly demonstrated, you can circle it around and make a majority-class sound like the real underprivledged if you have enough fancy frou frou know-how and furries. Also, if a Social Justice Warrior constitutes someone who takes their cause soooo seriously that they’re annoying/petting/cruel/stupid about it....idk I think Crispy qualified.))

^^^ ((Crispy and her friend muse about what other races occupy the world of MLP in her headcanon. This, more than any other dA disc. and picture shows you her brand of “Segregationist-Nationalism is OKAY” thinking, cuz the art of these different races isn’t super offensive or cruel and neither are the characters. BUT if you scratch under the surface you’ll find that Crispy really likes these different people staying in their place and not in “someone else’s” country.

THEN, this same kind of thinking is used to convince you any mix of cultures is just cultural appropriation, again acting like she and her Nazi-stans are the only ones standing up to actual bigotry.)) VVV

^^^ ((Crispy makes the world a worse place by bringing up actual decent points; like how Americans dress Thanksgiving up as progressive and for the natives when we all know that’s not true...all to better her worldview.

fyi, GET OUT whenever you see a selfproclaimed Nazi fawn over Native Americans, because: Nazi Germany had a deep fascination with American Indians and used their struggles about their land being taken away from them to justify their eugenic genocide.)) ^^^

^^^ (( Crispy laughing it up on Furaffinity how she couldn’t be banned from her Furaffinity and then mysteriously never using her site there wowie.)) ^^^

^^^ (( Crispy complaining about SOPA cause her freedom of speech and blahblahblah.

Freedom of Speech is important. Unfortunately what people like Crispy don’t understand or care for is there’s no freedom of consequence. )) vvv

VVV ((LOL Joseph Mengele was such a stinkah let’s tell blithe jokes about him. At least WE AREN’T LIKE HIM!!!)) VVVV

VVV ((Early onset eugenic BS from her Spyro stuff that would be easy to miss if you didn’t know what this woman was talking about)) VVV

((Crispy admitting she thinks gays are pointless cuz they don’t reproduce but apparently loves them anyway. Also big shock Crispy’s seen Hetalia.)) VVV

VVV ((Crispy probably wanting Weeaboos to attack her cuz aren’t Japan’s animations so laaaaaaazy?!!?!? GUUdd think’ I’m a naziaboo! Germany’s never made any shitty animation evah. You know what, I lied. She doesn’t deserve Hetalia. She just doesn’t.)) VVVV

VVV ((Crispy dragging Brazil down with her as the apparent “Best South American Country”. Yikes.)) VVV

VVV ((More “it’s trolling ergo it’s not harmful” shit. Bulgarians probably do deserve their own Care Bears, but they certainly don’t want yours Crispy.)) VVV

VVV ((Disc. for her Richard Spencer bear art)) VVV

------

I know, I know...this isn’t what you wanted to read today, guys. I know it’s offensive and I’m sorry if it made you ill. I also know I’m putting my own blog under fire by showing these images here but I think that should say something about dA’s bad policies that this art gets a filter slapped on it and nothing more when the artist is blatantly pro-fascist.

Crispy resonates with me so much - and no it’s not cause I DARED to be “triggered”.

It’s because, for one, she was talented. I MEAN I HAVE EYES! That’s some nicely drawn digital stuff I’m not gonna deny. She had some cool rewrites and sequel ideas that, had it come from someone else I would have eaten up and faved to hell and back onceupona2012. But I didn’t, where a ton of MLP and furry fans did because they undervalued their own talents and would say “well it’s pretty who cares about the message?” 

Unlike so many commercial+published artists, it’s REALLY hard to separate the art from the artist here because the artist is so connected and a part of her art and storytelling. If you fav her art, even if you didn’t like her, that was telling Crispy she’d won. It’s so defeating to have other artists say their gonna ignore their gut for the sake of prettypretty-Don-Bluth style art. And yes, that stigma DOES affect my view on 2D purists btw.

Crispy was so holier than thou’, and that attitude also was appealing to dA folks, not to mention her knowledge of art history by the time she dropped off the radar. Crispy was the kind of person who’d make long, detailed, justified rants against the design and color choices in Hazbin Hotel and then a bunch of antis would eat her redesigns up only to learn the awful truth later and embarrass themselves cuz they were so taken up by the craft they didn’t know they were reblogging a fucking Nazi.

Not to underplay Viv’s wrongdoings of course, but I’m sorry; the two aren’t comparable on the problematic artist meter. THAT’S HOW BAD CRISPY WAS.

If this somehow was just a faze and she’s come to her senses or doesn’t really think this shite she preaches...I don’t care. She said some vile shit and fuck no I’m not forgiving her. It’s like KenDraw or Shadman. You’ve changed your life around and realized you’ve done/drawn nasty shit that’s done real harm? Cool....I’m still not talking or ever promoting you, ya dingbat. You ain’t no Roman Polanski or Doug Tennaple. You’re a singular internet artist and any support of the project has to go to you - and you suck!

ThisCrispyKat was a wakeup call that showed me these people not only still exist but will be allowed to get away with it. I was very touchy bout this kind of thing back in the day. Fuck, I STILL AM TOUCHY. The rabbit holes I found thanks to Crispy opened up to reveal communities where people think my hair color’s going extinct. People would detail how much they wanted to rape me - a natural blonde - and kill my friends and family for not looking like me. That they want to jerk off in my naturally curly hair and see me in glowy German princess gowns preparing them dinner.

Crispy and other Nazistans would look at me; a blond-haired blue eyed Polish/German American woman and think I need to be “fixed” because I DARE to repeat propaganda that the Nazis were bad. They’d call me a traitor for thinking that celebrating the Nazi party ISN’T German pride.

HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT’S GERMAN PRIDE! I’LL SHOW YOU GERMAN PRIDE YOU EGOSTROKING-LIMPDICKED ATTENTION WHORES.

People like Crispy make it 1000x harder to actually show interest in German things. Because I AM interested in German shit btw.

Like for real: it’s a country I’d love to visit one day (at least the black forest, which is where my mom’s fam comes from). I love German art and German fairytales slap. I really do want to explore my heritage through art and stuff.

But guess what? Much as Crispy would argue to the contrary I DO know my WWII history and beyond and FUCK YOU if you honestly think jerking it to cuddly Nazi-furs is empowering or just “showing your interest in history”. Take your own advice and read a god-damn book.

TL;DR: I DO NOT have to be proud of Nazis to enjoy German culture and if you think otherwise, FUCK YOU. It’s a slap in the face to everyone even if you are ‘just trolling’ and it in no way values actual German’s feeling on the matter. It’s annoying how people undervalue real people just for the sake of fan art.

The Nazis were evil. They were racist, eugenic-genocidal idiots who killed over six million Jewish people, Romani, Slavs, Jehovahs Witnesses, disabled people, Poles, homosexuals and prisoners of war. They would have killed my dad’s side of the family if they were in Poland at the time. They made bullshit tanks that killed the people making them and didn’t work on the battlefield. Their leader was a fat, farting one-testicaled bastard who preferred animals to people.

They ruined everything for everyone and then took the easy way out, leaving the Germans that were left in the hands of the also-genocidal Soviets and Americans. Germany is still paying their war debts and now, 70-80 years later everyone else wants to laugh off this dark period of history with memes and forget what they did, and as such, are forgetting the victims of the genocide.

I have 0 tolerance for Nazi things for the sake of HUMANITY, let alone the individual groups they target. I don’t have to have German ancestry or know a single Jewish person to tell you any of this. It’s fucking history.

Eat shit.

[yakumtsaki]

Alright you guys, sorry for the delay, I’ve had to restart this post 20 fucking times because my changes weren’t being saved in the draft and then I kept getting the ‘upload failed’ error. In case you don’t remember wtf is going on you might wanna re-read the last update (I certainly had to) which is apparently from JUNE 2018. Jfc I suck so hard. Now this was gonna be really long but tumblr wouldn’t post it so I’m breaking it up in 3 parts, part 2 to be posted tomorrow. For those that don’t feel like reading back, general recap of the last couple updates:

Jojo cheated on Wyatt with Max Flexor and my solution to that marital crisis was to adopt our first dog ever, a puppy hilariously named Maxx.

The puppy grew up to be an asshole and is constantly beating up the cats, who have turned into giant pussies (no pun intended) and are losing every fight to him despite the fact they’re named after Mortal Kombat characters. They’re a fucking disgrace to Alegra’s/Victor’s/Ronroneo’s memory and I haven’t settled on a cat heir yet because they both suck.

Jojo is perma miserable, I don’t even remember how much money away from his 100k LTW, and still not a werewolf despite my pathologically persistent attempts to make him friends with the wolf.

Fucking useless Wyatt didn’t get promoted while Komei was alive providing us with his 100 townie friends, we spent 20 updates befriending every rando that crossed our lot to secure his promotion, and then finally on the day he was supposed to become Captain Hero, Wyatt got, of course, fired and is now on track to take longer to complete his literal career based LTW than Komei took to get 6 pets on the top of their careers.

Absolutely everyone hates noogie addict Shajar, she got a Kylo Ren makeover, and we still don’t know what her sexual orientation is thanks to her ridiculous fitness/fatness turn ons and cleanliness turn off.

Golden child/10 nice points freakshow Cyneswith grew up, rolled romance with the most disturbing turn-ons/offs possible (grey hair/mechanical & charisma turn off) and the 20 simultaneous lovers LTW.

Wulf grew up into a kid, got an Amadeus makeover, is officially a Wyatt clone and the only member of this family I don’t completely hate yet.

Now I’d like to begin the first Union post in more than a year by requesting you do me a solid and lower your expectations for this thing as far down as humanly possible. Like really try to recreate the Jules Verne classic “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with your expectations here, because my brain is so fucking fried that there’s a 20% chance I randomly start citing sources at some point during this post. This grad school crap has seriously been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. And speaking of bad trade deals, let’s get this update rolling with the man, the myth, the legend, the husband who managed to make Komei look like a dreamboat in comparison..

..Wyatt fucking Union, née Monif. It’s been a long time, but I’m not gonna lie to you Wyatt, not nearly long enough. Looking good man, just one small question, where the fuck are your eyebrows?

-You àccidéntally deléted thém, imbécilé, et I cannôt exprèss my irritatiόn prόperly becausé I hàve non eyebrôws!

Did your selective French accent get thicker this past year or is it just me?

-It géts thickér whén je suis distrésséd, givé moi mon eyebrôws bàcc!!!

No can do, brother. Actually can do, but I think the Mona Lisa look is working for you, and more importantly I still hate you, so I’m just gonna hardcore ignore you for the rest of this post if that’s ok. Talk to me when you finally get promoted, aka never the way this shit is going.

-Non! NON! MON EYEBROWS!

It’s been lovely catching up.

Jojό I mean Jojo, goddammit Wyatt, is spending most of his time building robots in the mausoleum (sweet hipster band name alert)..

..giving financial advice in Shajar’s room (inb4 what’s the difference between the mausoleum and Shajar’s room)..

..building evil snowmen alone in the middle of the night, like all mentally healthy middle aged men with 3 kids are wont to do..

..and getting the piss harassed out of him by the cat ghosts in the bathroom (sweet hipster band name alert #2). How is this like the fourth time this happens in the exact same spot, will you just stop autonomously cleaning the bathroom after midnight? It’s obviously where the cats hang out, give it the fuck up already.

-I’m actively TRYING TO DIE you absolute moron, what does a guy have to do to get killed around here?

Yea can’t say that I blame you but not happening, you can commit suicide by Ghost Alegra after the kids fuck off to college, ok? I promise.

-Oh like you promised me being heir was a route worth pursuing??

Um obviously you too need to go back and re-read your own life story, because I spent the entirety of our “““cherished””” time together telling you heirship is a shitty gig at generation 2. And then to top it off you went and married Wyatt to ensure maximum shittiness, so there you go, fucking enjoy. God I am so sick of both of you losers and we’re only 5 pics in. Let’s check in with your spawn, I’m sure they can’t possibly be more annoying than their parents-

-oh right, I forgot, this is the generation with 10/10/9 active points where the party never stops. Cyneswith are you somehow twerking to classical music?

-How else am I gonna attract all those hot senior citizens per my grey hair turn on and 20 lovers LTW?

Ok great yea I see how this is gonna go, you’re trying to entice people into voting you for heir based on how torturous playing this fucked up LTW is gonna be for me, well forget it, my readers are intellectuals and completely above such petty entertainment. (istg mofos, don’t even think about it, i already did Komei’s 5 pets career shit, i will burn this place to the ground if you saddle me with Cyneswith banging the elderly for 30 years)

-No need to worry your stupid little head, I will beat Cyneswith for HEIR just like I beat her HAIR up daily! HAHA!

Shajar no offense but you’re a fucking war crime of a sim, nearly everyone who’s ever met you hates you including your parents, and the fact that you’re the alternative here is really not helping my situation in any way. Also how the fuck are you gonna be heir when the only thing you seem to be attracted to is giving noogies, you’re like one week away from college and I still don’t even know if you’re str8 or gay or bi or w/e the fuck you are. You have Jojo’s personality combined with..

..yes exactly, DANIEL’S SOCIAL ABILITIES. I mean I was joking with the whole ‘Shajar’s the spawn of Satan’ thing, but this combo of traits was clearly drawn up in Hell’s boardroom.

ANYWAY. It’s a snowy Sunday morning, and anyone who has been a teen knows what that means:

Time to go clubbing! Man I remember being like 15, waking up on a freezing Sunday morning and my mom making me a cup of hot chocolate before I drove off to the club. Those were the days.

-Uh, Shaj, when did you learn how to drive?

-Don’t be stupid, Cyneswith, people don’t need to ‘learn’ how to drive.

-They absolutely do, actually.

-Well what can I tell you, the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

-Here we are, safe and sound! Celebratory noogie!

-YOU RAN OVER 9 PEOPLE

-How many times to I have to explain this to you, Apartment Life townies are not people.

Can’t argue with that logic. Let’s just go in and find out what Shajar’s sexual orientation is once and for all so I can spend the rest of this update aggressively promoting Wulf’s candidacy.

Now I consider ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ one of the dumbest sayings there is, but even I have to concede that this particular picture truly is worth a thousand words. Quick poll, what is more horrifying, Shajar’s literal Joker face or Cyneswith, whom I’ve never seen read a book ever, autonomously pulling one out in the middle of the dance floor, in what I can only assume is an attempt to attract old perverts with the schoolgirl routine?

And I know what some of you are thinking, you’re like ‘bro, you’re just reaching to make a bad joke bro, Cyneswith is just a sweet nice introvert and not like other girls, she doesn’t feel comfortable in the club’, well to that let me reply with another picture that is worth a thousand words:

Yea that’s right, on the first minute of our first time out WE RUN INTO THAT ONE ELDER TOWNIE THAT HAS WRINKLE MAKE UP ON. GODDAMMIT CYNESWITH

Do you guys remember how Jojo was obsessed with Stephen Tinker as a teen? Are you seeing the connection here?? Those kids have literally inherited the worst possible traits from both their parents turned up to 11, it’s fucking unreal.  

Right after I get over Wrinkle’s presence I turn around and what do I see, those 2, who have never had a non-noogie physical interaction, autonomously doing the family kiss thing. I didn’t even catch it on time because I was loling irl, we came out here so these assholes can find age-appropriate partners, and instead they’re kissing each other. Seems about right with this family, and clearly Striped Scarf’s dumb ass ships it.

-They look so much alike, it’s meant to be!

Yes, and they even share the same last name! Talk about written in the stars.

Thankfully Abhijeet is here to save us from incest by perving on Cyneswith. GTFO ABHIJEET. Anyone like ‘bro townies just autonomously come to greet your sims on community lots regardless of age, stop calling them perverts’, see you in about 5 pics down.  

I try to have Shajar chat up Striped Scarf and suffice it to say Shaj ~stole her heart~ and presumably put it on this stick to wave around.

NO. CYNESWITH NO. I’m seriously having déjà vu of all the times I was like ‘NO. JOJO NO’, jfc.

Shajar is unsurprisingly exhibiting no interest in socializing with anyone around her, instead she’s trying every activity this terribly lit place has to offer, and she looks demented while doing it:

I’m feeling a primal urge to photoshop Darth Vader’s melted helmet on the bowling ball here, someone please remind me to do it for the heir vote photoshoot.

-HA. SUCK IT DENISE JACQUET

That’s Denise Jacquet?! I can’t tell who anyone is for shit anymore. The default replacements are a scourge upon premade brands, I’m getting rid of them pronto. Speaking of scourges, where the hell is your sister?

-Who cares?

I wanna say ‘me’ but we both know that’s a lie.

Oh ok, THERE SHE IS.

-So you see Cyneswith, just because something is technically ‘illegal’, doesn’t mean it’s morally wrong-

Yea yea fascinating stuff, now get out of the hot tub or I will fucking neuter you, I don’t know if a eunuch mod already exists for medieval games but I will make one if it doesn’t.

Here, Cyneswith, drink some water, have a nice G-rated convo with your sister about violins and stop pissing me off. 

-First of all this is straight vodka.

Great.

-Secondly Shajar is talking about Mozart’s coprophilia.

-I sure am.

Amazing. Well, I guess it’s at times like these when you need to look inside your heart and truly ask yourself, what did you expect from Jojo’s children.

ABHIJEET ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME TALK ABOUT CASTRATION

-Ha, I went home and put on my most elderly-looking formal wear!

-I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave Ab <3

CYNESWITH SHUT UP. I can’t believe you people are actually making me miss Gunther’s teenage whoring, at least he kept it age appropriate.

-Is some random lady pressing her breasts against my head?

She most certainly is, Shajar, because it is now crystal clear that this bowling alley doubles as the site of annual perv townie convention and we walked right into it-

-and it’s also clear we have serious issues and are enjoying ourselves. Shaj I legit don’t know what to tell you, this is the first time you get along with someone right away and it just had to be the adult with the bad haircut and the flasher’s trench coat???

-You’re damn right it did.

Alright then, I’m officially going to nope out of this situation, safe in the knowledge you’re a noogiesexual and nothing will actually happen with this freak, so I’ll focus on Cyneswith instead who is much more of a loose canon. 

Here Cyn, talk to this guy, who I’m 90% sure is the same guy your father rejected in favor of stalking Stephen Tinker when he was your age.

-Ohhhh, he’s dreamy!

Omg really?? Halleluj-

-oh never mind, you were of course referring to adult ass Brandon Lillard. I do like that our townies have recurring roles each generation, we should make rejecting Blondie a rite of passage in this family. We should also officially gtfo because this is happening:

-Um, now that I’m looking at you in harsher lighting, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg. 

Oh, thank the fucking lord.

-Let’s celebrate the fact we didn’t get hopelessly obsessed with any adults here by doing the traditional Dance of Normality!

-We beat Dad’s genes, we beat Dad’s genes!

-We’re normal!

Yes, and we’re definitely showing it. Can we please leave now so I can make sure I’ve uninstalled Inteenminator and turn off free will? 

-Nop! Venue change!

-Got-out-of-the-car celebratory noogie!

-Made-it-to-the-door celebratory noogie!

Shajar you unironically have a noogie addiction, I’m not kidding in the slightest, you need to see a doctor.

Great, great, not another teen in sight and to top it off Denise followed us here to ensure maximum elder presence. I feel comfortable officially declaring this day a complete waste of time.

God, the vintage pink dress and the pink alcohol combo is some straight up current era Taylor Swift nonsense. That’s it, we’re outta here, back home where no one is lurking, waiting to strike at us-

-SOPHIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO💔💔💔💔💔

-The Lord is my shepherd.

NO HE ISN’T EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T HERD CATS PLEASE DON’T DIE

-Nop, I’m over it. Goodbye heathens, it’s been nice, hope you don’t find your paradise. 

UGH SOPHIE, my beloved Westboro lunatic, the last gangsta generation 1 cat we had.. I can’t believe you’re gone and all I’m left with is stupid Goro and D’vorah who can’t even beat up the fucking dog. This is truly painful.

Yes, pets, I agree, Kaylynn is completely to blame for Sophie dying of old age. The time has now come to decide on a cat heir-

-and since Goro ran away like a little bitch after Sophie’s death despite the fact he didn’t even like her, he’s automatically disqualified and will be going off to live on Melody and Daniel’s farm once returned to us. Congratulations to D’vorah I guess, on being the least terrible of two terrible options. 

On the topic of terrible heir options, Cyn has non-stop wants to go on dates and have her first kiss and all that crap, and since our Sunday morning clubbing was a bust we invite over the matchmaker.

-Hello there young Union, I see your house has been upgraded since I was last here.

Oh right we haven’t required your services since Daniel was a teen and we lived in a trailer, well we are flush with cash now!

-Hopefully your payment reflects that.

It will!! Just please give us someone good, I can’t deal with single teen Cyn for one more second.

-Oh my, what a beautiful BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

WHAT!? NO THAT’S 5K IT’S JUST A SNOW GLITCH 

-What do I look like to you, a money thawing service?

Does such a service.. exist??

-It does not, so I have to go home and use a hairdryer on this!

Just come inside and we’ll give you non-frozen money!

-No, no, you’ll get what you paid for..

-Have a magical time!

...

.........

......................

Lakshmi this was so fucking evil that I almost want to age you down and see if you and Shajar hit it off. 

-As if, the whole neighborhood knows what you did to Komei.

Helped him achieve his insane 6-pets-career LTW?

-Turned him into a servant while your sim was lounging around all day!

Oh yea I did do that. But Wyatt was also a townie and he does literally nothing, Jojo is the servant now!

-Only because Wyatt is too fucking stupid to do things! Word has gotten out, no townie will ever marry in this family again unless they’re brain dead, so it’s Wyatts only for you from now on, sister!

Well this has been a complete fucking disaster. It was great seeing you again, Lakshmi, thanks for the dream date with the adult farting machine, 5k well-spent.

Pretty sure it was you bro, and yes, how about we don’t do that again.

Wyatt has brought over Amanda from work! (Aka Victoria’s only friend and subsequent lesbian lover, who is really pretty and is definitely getting married in at some point, preferably after the brown hair genes have been weakened so we can go back to being gingers.)  

-Wow Shajar, your grandmother, God rest her soul, mentioned you were her favorite and now I can see why! Loving the Kylo Ren look!

-Is someone being genuinely nice to me?! What is happening?

-Yes, please stop being nice to her, Amanda, we don’t want her getting used to it.

Jojo istg.

-Cyneswith dear, tell Amanda all about how much money your grandmother left you so she can stop being nice to Shajar. 

-Soooo much money, Miss Amanda!

-Ah, what a polite child I’ve single-handedly raised.

-Now, Cyneswith, you really need to get back on the dating scene so you have ample time to find the perfect spouse and continue our line, since you’re clearly the only one of my children that is remotely heir material. 

-Dad, Shajar and Wulf are right next to you.

-Oh they are? I’m wearing my special contact lenses that make those disappointments invisible to me, but even better, they need to hear this. Shajar is a noogiesexual and thus incapable of reproduction, and Wulf is not even a Union, I mean have you seen that kid? Wyatt reproduced by himself like the amoeba he is. Now, your grandmother-

-YOU MENTIONED ME 3 TIMES AND HERE I AM

OH FUCK VICTORIA, deleting the default replacements gave you base game hair!!!!

-That’s the part you’re scared by, not my Beetlejuicesque entrance?

There’s literally nothing scarier than your ghost sporting this haircut for all eternity, I’m re-downloading that default immediately. 

-Oh mom, so good to see you! Let me just hug my beloved child, Shijer-

-Shajar, dad.

-SHAJAR, let me hug Shajar, like I do all the time. 

-I’m glad to see you’re not picking favorites among your children like I did, the way I treated David-

-Daniel, mom.

-DANIEL, is the one thing I’ve truly been regretting in the afterlife. That and not skinning Marisa Bendett alive when I had the chance. 

-Well, as you can see by Shajar’s totally normal and not at all shocked reaction to my hug, I am a wonderful, fair, and emotionally available father. 

(Bruh this freaked me out so much when it happened, I mean I KNOW it’s an animation glitch but I was convinced my sims had become sentient for a good while after)

-Is your grandmother’s ghost still on the premises?

-Yup. 

-When will this nightmare end, paying attention to you is the worst. 

-Ok she’s gone.

-FINALLY. Now it’s back to the crypt for you, and don’t you dare go complain to her urn!

-Ah, Stephen, Stephen, my life is crap and I can’t even🎵

And with the knowledge you have composed a theme song for Stephen Tinker, part 1 of the Union comeback update is concluded. Will Shajar’s sexual orientation reveal itself? Will Cyneswith find true love? Will Jojo become a werewolf? Will Wulf continue to be the only dignified member of this family? Will D’vorah have kittens? Will Wyatt do literally anything worth mentioning? Tune in for parts 2 & 3 to find out, unfollow button on the upper right corner for those who need it. 

[staircasttext]

Ep 15 Transcript: Press Q for War Crimes

Episode 15

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi everyone, welcome back to Stairway to StarClan, a Warriors Cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we are here for our mega finale episode, totally intended to be huge not because of bad chapter planning. But yeah, we've finished Fire and Ice and a second full Warriors book.

LIZ: Yay.

JULIAN: Hell yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, exciting. But we're gonna split the discussion up into two parts today because it's really long. So that's the plan. Sorry, I noticed this while I was reading this book in the car today. This review on the back cover, I just wanna read it out for everyone.

JULIAN: Please do.

PAZ: "A suspenseful animal adventure that will leave readers eyeing Puss a little nervously." From the Kirkus Reviews. Thank you, Kirkus Reviews.

JULIAN: Oh my god.

PAZ: This book is like what if my cat's plotting to murder me? You never know. Oh, I feel like I have to give my cat a shoutout for his warrior spirit because he caught three mice within 24 hours.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Recently, very proud of him.

JULIAN: I'm so proud of him.

LIZ: When did the third one happen?

PAZ: The third one, it happened this morning, I think.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: He's so fierce.

PAZ: He's so fierce, and a great hunter, and he has a bell collar on.

JULIAN: Damn.

PAZ: So he's like fucking Rock Lee. If we ever took that off...

LIZ: He learned how to be a warrior around them. It's like when they do the montage with the fight guys, and they have to have the big weights on them.

PAZ: Yeah, Rock Lee.

LIZ: Is that... well, I don't know. I've never Narutoed.

PAZ: Oh my gosh. Do I have to go send you the Rock Lee weight scene? I'll do that after.

LIZ: All right, join us for season three when we watch Naruto and only that video.

PAZ: I read so much Naruto. I just forget that sometimes. Okay, anyway, let's talk about Warriors, I guess. Anyone have anything else to add before the summaries?

JULIAN: Doozy of a chapter chunk.

LIZ: We're going to get to that part in the first summaries, but I gasped out loud at one thing. Just like holding my little ereader phone, just like [gasps].

PAZ: Yes, there is a very dramatic reveal. Although I knew it, so it wasn't as dramatic for me. But glad to hear that first impression reaction. Let's start off with these chapter summaries, breaking off from when Brokenstar's polycule attacks ThunderClan. Chapter 26, Brokenstar attacks ThunderClan. While Fireheart, Yellowfang, the apprentices and the queens fight back, the elders hide away the kits. Cinderpaw goes to join, but Dustpaw forces her to stay back in Yellowfang's den.

Fireheart fights Brokenstar, but is attacked by Clawface. That was the cat who killed Spottedleaf in the last book. Fireheart furiously attacks Clawface, suddenly feeling Spottedleaf's spirit besides him to help avenge her death. Just as Clawface pins him down, Fireheart cries out to Spottedleaf for help. But Graystripe arrives just in time to pull Clawface off, killing him in the process. Graystripe says Bluestar also found bones and recognized Brokenstar's scent, and that she sent him to get Tigerclaw because she thought it was a trap.

Meanwhile, Fireheart sees Frostfur, Dustpaw, and Sandpaw fighting the rogue cats as he looks for Brokenstar. He hears a yowl from Yellowfang's den and rushes in, afraid for Cinderpaw, but sees that Yellowfang has seriously injured Brokenstar instead. Brokenstar loses a life, but not his last, and Fireheart asks why she doesn't finish him off. Yellowfang confesses that Brokenstar is actually her son, and that she loved his father Raggedstar.

LIZ: [gasps]

PAZ: Brokenstar doesn't know she's his mother. They all find out that Yellowfang has injured Brokenstar's eyes badly so that he is blind. Fireheart checks on Cinderpaw, who is fine, but wishes she could have helped in the battle, and she and Yellowfang start tending to Brokenstar. The rogue cats are chased off. Fireheart thanks Graystripe for saving his life and Graystripe tells him he'd give his life for Fireheart. Just bro things.

Bluestar returns. Fireheart explains everything to her, and she praises him. Tigerclaw is also back. Fireheart tells him what happened to Brokenstar, and Yellowfang says she will tend to him until he recovers. Almost everyone is skeptical, but she says it would be wrong to leave him to die or kill him, although she doesn't reveal that he is her son, and Bluestar agrees for now. She says Brokenstar is no longer a clan leader and renames him in a pretty unnecessary fashion. She renames him to Brokentail, I think.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: Chapter 27. After the battle, Fireheart tells Bluestar how Dustpaw and Sandpaw defended the clan from the attack, and that they both deserve to be warriors and she agrees. Dustpaw is surprised, and Sandpaw says it's Fireheart's quick thinking that saved them. They decided to have the naming ceremony that day, and the two new warriors are then named Dustpelt and Sandstorm. Bluestar also thanks Fireheart for his courage. Fireheart says to Sandstorm he's glad they can eat together as warriors now, though is a bit disappointed that he can't eat alone with her.

He goes to bring something to Cinderpaw for dinner, since she wasn't at the naming ceremony. Brokentail is still unconscious. Cinderpaw is depressed, feeling she is a burden to the clan, and Fireheart doesn't even comfort or reassure her again for some reason.

LIZ: [grumbles]

PAZ: Yellowfang says Cinderpaw is a great help to her, though, and they both have a friendly exchange. Fireheart is a little envious of their relationship. It's snowing the next morning. Dustpelt and Sandpaw have returned from the midnight vigil and are asleep. Bluestar tells the rest of the clan that Brokentail will be staying.

She also tells Fireheart that she's worried about him and Graystripe not making up yet, and he and Graystripe should hang out (hunt). Fireheart is hopeful about the idea, but Graystripe is cold to him, accusing Fireheart of doubting his clan loyalty and only wanting to keep an eye on him. He says Fireheart just wants to please Bluestar. They go hunting anyway, and it's super awkward because of trust issues. When they return with freshkill, Brindleface tells Fireheart that Cloudkit and her other kids have gone missing.

Chapter 28, Fireheart tries to find Graystripe to help look for the kits, but can't find him. Sandstorm offers to help instead. It's difficult to track the kits in the blizzard, and Fireheart is worried. He and Sandstorm both decide to head back and get more help, but they notice the voices of the kits before doing so. They find all the kits but Cloudkit by a fallen tree, and one of the kits says he is hunting. Cloudkit shows up, carrying a little vole in his mouth. Fireheart and Sandstorm gather up all the kits and rush back to the camp.

Bluestar scolds the kits, but Cloudkit is defiant and says the clan needed food and that it was his idea. She says that while his intentions were good, he was foolish. Fireheart feels a mixture of pride and worry for Cloudkit because he is skilled but is reckless about the warrior code. Bluestar later tells Fireheart that he needs to teach Cloudkit to respect the warrior code. He agrees but resents the high expectations for such a young kit, and thinks of Graystripe, a clan born warrior who disobeys the code all the time. He also wonders if Cloudkit can really adjust to clan life.

Graystripe returns from hunting, but Fireheart can tell he went to see Silverstream. That night, Fireheart dreams about hunting with a grown up Cloudkit. Spottedleaf also shows up in a dream and warns Fireheart about a battle approaching and to beware of a warrior he can't trust. And that's the first chunk of chapters that we'll be discussing.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: Damn.

JULIAN: Chapter 26 especially was just like one thing after another. Like very good, but it's just the events start coming and they don't stop coming.

PAZ: Yeah, it has like the big soap opera reveal in the middle of it.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean like half of it's the battle, and then Yellowfang's big reveal.

JULIAN: Which is so good.

LIZ: It really is.

JULIAN: We love to see just a whole fucked up family situation. Very good.

LIZ: Just a mess.

PAZ: Graystripe wishes his forbidden romance had whatever's going on here.

LIZ: Graystripe, you're just dating someone from another high school.

JULIAN: You're no medicine cat in love with your own leader. And then blinding your son.

PAZ: Yeah, your son who doesn't know he's your son.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Like I said, some real--

LIZ: I think it was-- yeah.

PAZ: Go ahead.

LIZ: Oh no, I think it's just kind of nicely seeded I think in our previous reading, where she said like she recognized like it was Brokenstar from bones and stuff. But um, I think it was mentioned that like, oh yeah, I was there for their kitting. And it's like, yeah, you sure were.

JULIAN: Oh boy.

LIZ: You were the main participant.

PAZ: Yeah, I think I feel like I remembered in Into the Wild there were some hints, too, although I'd have to go back and find them.

JULIAN: I think there's some like-- I mean, she obviously has really conflicted feelings about Brokenstar in Into the Wild. Which makes it even more fucked up that he kicked her out. She was his mom!

PAZ: Right?

JULIAN: Um, but like, also, I think there's some stuff about her being kind of maternal or like, all the stuff with her and the kits, where she's like, kind of trying to hang out around the kit den, and the queens are really upset about it. And she's like, oh, I get it.

PAZ: Just a nice two book build up.

JULIAN: I love Yellowfang.

PAZ: Me too.

LIZ: She's so good.

PAZ: Also, her being like, this is like divine punishment...

JULIAN: Oof.

PAZ: Very, very, like, it sucks but also very cool. I don't know. Although, I don't know about that, Yellowfang.

LIZ: Yeah, that's... just, I guess we're kind of going back to the ableism from the-- I mean, from the whole series, but also, specifically from the previous reading, uh. It's like--

PAZ: Oh, I wasn't talking about Brokenstar there. I was just talking about her having a fucked up family situation.

LIZ: Oh, okay, sorry.

PAZ: Now she's like, this is what I get. But yeah.

JULIAN: I think her line exactly is like, "my punishment wasn't that like my other two kits died. It was that this one survived." And it's like, oh, geez.

LIZ: Yeah, that's fucked up.

PAZ: StarClan said you can have a real sicko of a child.

JULIAN: StarClan gave you a real Megaboneclan son.

PAZ: Oh God, right. Yeah, but yeah, Liz, the ableism stuff does come back up, if you wanna--

LIZ: That line... it can be-- That line is like very-- I don't want to say... I don't know. I would appreciate it a lot more for the drama of your evil son, your Megaboneclan evil son, if it wasn't for like, right, immediately, like next to this, how they talk so much about like, oh, now he's blind. He can't do anything.

PAZ: I didn't read that line as referring to that. Although--

LIZ: No, no. I don't think that was intentional.

PAZ: The descriptions around his blindness are like, still not great because it's like, oh, he can't do anything now, but I think that line more refers to his actions as a cat person.

LIZ: Yeah, yeah, for sure.

PAZ: Than what has happened.

LIZ: Yeah, it's just--

JULIAN: Yeah, I do wish that like-- oh, go ahead.

LIZ: No, it's just unfortunate that those things are right next to each other. It's like, bad timing, I feel.

JULIAN: I wish that like, I mean, Warrior Cats bingo. I wish that the blindness was handled differently because it's like oh, he's completely not a threat. We can just keep him around and he'll be totally fine. And it's like his vision was not what made him a threat.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Like he was a threat because he was extremely persuasive and like, very good at getting people to go along with him. And nothing's happened to that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah. And he still has a bunch of lives, so.

JULIAN: Yeah, I did think-- like when the kits disappear, my immediate-- I had forgotten what happened. And my immediate thought was Brokenstar?

PAZ: Yeah, same.

JULIAN: That he had lured them away or something. Which I personally think would have been a good plot point.

LIZ: Would have been a good plot point. I think if that happened, though, we would have been like, okay, I guess we have an-- you made an evil disabled cat kidnap the kits.

JULIAN: Oh, that is bad. Yeah.

PAZ: You can't win either way in Warriors, I guess.

LIZ: Nn.

JULIAN: You're either Cinderpaw and you're sort of a de facto medicine cat and also a burden on the clan. Or you're Brokentail.

PAZ: Yeah, speaking of ableism, there's more bad convos with Cinderpaw.

JULIAN: Ugh.

PAZ: Where she straight up says like, oh, I feel like a burden on the clan. And then Fireheart doesn't really like disagree. Like what the hell?

LIZ: He's interrupted, right? Because Yellowfang starts talking about like oh, actually, you're a great assistant. But you didn't have to write it that way.

JULIAN: Yeah. I also just like... no one talks about the elders or like the queens or like other people who don't hunt for themselves like being burdens on the clan.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Right?

JULIAN: I don't... where is this coming fr-- I mean, I know where it's coming from. It's coming from the authors. But like it just doesn't make sense with like the way that the cat society has been set up.

PAZ: Absolutely. It's just like a very deeply communal society, and like it is about supporting everyone in the clan. So like you said, the elders don't hunt. So yeah, it just doesn't make sense at all.

LIZ: Yeah. I guess like if you wanted to, I don't think that Warriors Cats currently in this book or possibly later wants to have that conversation necessarily. But if you wanted to, I think it would be pretty easy to have like one clan be more-- like, to be better at this sort of accommodation, and have like-- just for like that black and white kid metaphor, to have like the evil clan be not as good at it, you know?

PAZ: Well, apparently WindClan is doing fine on that front, but it's not portrayed like ThunderClan is deeply ableist, so.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: So it just comes off as a weird like incoherent plot point, when you can have like, one disabled cat in one clan like in a high ranking authority position, and then in another clan, apparently not. And like, for no reason given.

LIZ: WindClan's fine. They're just like, hey, what's up? What the fuck is up with everyone else?

PAZ: Yeah, we'll talk more about that later. WindClan really needs to like, move and then stop dealing with all this bullshit. And then there's that weird renaming thing too.

JULIAN: Yeah. Nothing's wrong with-- is something wrong with his tail?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: No, I don't think so.

PAZ: I was like, was that-- I couldn't tell if that used to be his name. And she's just like, you going back to that name. Or, I don't know.

JULIAN: Oh, Brokentail was his original warrior name.

PAZ: Yeah, that's what I read it as.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: But once again, weird names.

LIZ: I think it's just because like, oh, someone else is reverting it for him, not...

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: It's not even really like, yeah.

JULIAN: Jesus. Yellowfang named him, A.

LIZ: Yellowfang!

JULIAN: Like she named him Brokenkit.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: Why?

JULIAN: "After the bend in his tail as well as the feeling Yellowfang felt in her heart at the time of his birth."

PAZ: Oh my god. Damn.

LIZ: Fucking, move over, Lan Wangji.

[everyone cackling]

PAZ: [muffled] Ohhh. I probably just blew out the audio so much.

JULIAN: I also did. Oh no.

PAZ: A little joke for our Untamed fans out there.

LIZ: Untamed didn't know shit.

PAZ: Untamed wants what Warriors has.

LIZ: Why not just call him like--

PAZ: Mistakekit.

LIZ: Bendytail or something-- no! Just Wiggletail or something. Wavetail.

PAZ: Wiggletail, that's great.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Also, it's beginning to thunderstorm pretty hard here. Hopefully I don't lose power but--

JULIAN: Oh no.

PAZ: Heads up.

LIZ: It's ThunderClan. They're coming.

JULIAN: Well, I guess that's what we got Craig for.

PAZ: Yeah, hopefully Craig works. Fingers crossed.

JULIAN: In non-Brokenstar related news, the bit about where Graystripe saves Fireheart, and then is like, I would give my life for you, is so romantic?

PAZ: Right? It just came out of nowhere.

LIZ: It's so good.

PAZ: It was deeply romantic.

LIZ: It's just, it's such a good moment. And then, ugh.

JULIAN: It's such a good moment, and then Graystripe fucks up again in the very next chapter.

PAZ: Yeah, he had one moment of being decent, and then he's back to being a fool.

LIZ: Yeah. I do like seeing that push-pull of conflict there, because that's, you know, that's the whole crux of Fireheart being unsure. And I mean, it also makes Graystripe feel like, oh yeah, this is the friend that will die for me. But is he gonna pick me up from the airport? No.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like in the moment, yeah, he is like on top of it, but then when Fireheart confronts him later, he gets all like, pissy and evasive again.

JULIAN: Fireheart doesn't even confront him. He's just like hey, do you want to go hunting? And Graystripe is like, are you making sure I don't disappear again? And just like, and then Graystripe tries to play like he would have saved any clan cat's life, and he also would have told any clan cat that he would die for them.

PAZ: No biggie.

LIZ: Uh-huh, sure.

PAZ: Just clan things.

LIZ: Just clan things.

JULIAN: Sort out your shit, Graystripe

LIZ: I mean, also has-- there has to be someone out there who's written the like Fireheart like 500 word thing where he's wondering like, mm, why do I care so much about my best friend dating someone else? Clan loyalty aside. Wow, him being mean to me sure is very, very, very, very effective to me. Just bro things.

JULIAN: Just bro things.

LIZ: Just bro things.

PAZ: Yeah, don't worry about it.

LIZ: I don't care, except I do, a lot.

[rain clattering]

JULIAN: I am pulling up--

PAZ: It is storming.

JULIAN: Warrior Cats, the, um.

PAZ: What are you pulling up? Should I wait?

JULIAN: I'm pulling up Archive of--

PAZ: Oh yes.

JULIAN: I'm pulling up Ao3. Don't worry.

PAZ: No, I will wait to hear the statistics.

JULIAN: Oh, what did I-- I did this... How did I do this wrong?

PAZ: This is like a summer thunderstorm. So it'll probably be over in like half an hour. But I hope in that half an hour I don't lose power.

LIZ: Wild. Oh no.

JULIAN: What? There's only five fics?

PAZ: That can't be right.

LIZ: What?!

PAZ: No.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: There's more Fireheart/Onewhisker than there is Fireheart/Graystripe.

PAZ: Did you just type the tag wrong? I refuse to believe that. I see so much fanart.

LIZ: Okay, I have a lot of respect for the former, but the latter just has the privilege of much more screentime.

JULIAN: Oh, I did it wrong. I did it wrong.

PAZ: Yeah. Okay. I'm like no, this is way more popular than that. There's AMVs for it. Look, listen.

JULIAN: Yeah, we've got 32.

PAZ: That's, you know. I feel like a lot of Warriors fic is-- was on fanfic.net, so.

JULIAN: Right. I also feel like a lot of people are writing like for canonical ships with Graystripe specifically, and also Fireheart, but.

PAZ: Yeah, but I know it is a popular pairing. For good reason.

LIZ: How many? How many are there with the correct tag?

JULIAN: There's only 32.

LIZ: That's a pretty decent amount for something that's probably not mainly on Ao3, and at this point pretty old. I don't know, what's not to love? You have friends to enemies to friends?

JULIAN: I mean, again, though, there are 25 Fireheart/Onewhisker fics.

PAZ: Listen, we got to ring the Fireheart/Onewhisker alarm bells again, because it comes up.

JULIAN: It really does.

PAZ: I think people are onto something, I'm just saying.

LIZ: Yeah, listen.

PAZ: But we'll get to that.

LIZ: We're putting a pin in that for later in the episode.

PAZ: Yes, but our--

JULIAN: I did like-- we're skipping around a little bit, or I'm skipping around a little bit. I did think that the discussion that the clan has about whether to keep Brokentail around is like... I thought that was interesting, even if there is some ableism in the way that they're like oh, he's not a threat anymore. But particularly in terms of like Fireheart feeling conflicted about how much he wants Brokentail to just be dead.

PAZ: And like the reason he stays is this like morality thing of like sending him off to die-- because apparently that's what happens if you're blind. Thanks Warriors-- in the forest is like.

LIZ: Not like there's-- oh my god.

PAZ: Yeah, but it's--

LIZ: It's not like there's no blind animals, or anything.

PAZ: I know. It's stupid.

LIZ: Ugh.

PAZ: But yeah, yeah, it's an interesting display of clan conflict management internally. I do want to note, it almost felt like Brokentail in the camp was less contentious than keeping Cloudkit, which is very funny to me.

JULIAN: God. No, you're right. It was less contentious.

PAZ: Right? There's no reason that keeping a dangerous ex-leader should be solved quicker than deciding to keep a small fluffy kitten.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: A kitten who's like--

JULIAN: Kittens eat less, for one thing.

LIZ: A kitten from, what they consider like the most least threatening place possible, which is like a pet, right? It's like do we keep this pet, who is a baby, or a war criminal?

PAZ: Yeah, there were like multiple people being like, saying like, we need to throw this child out into the woods to die. And it was like--

LIZ: We need to Victorian style expose this child.

PAZ: And there was only one quickly solved objection to keeping Brokentail.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: On that topic, I also want to note that everyone was being like, Cloudkit's stupid because he has white fur in the previous set of readings. And then in this reading, it talks about how Frostfur has white fur. I was like, what is going on?

LIZ: Wait, so, so while they were saying that, do we just not see Frostfur being like, oh, I see how it is. Fucking bitches. Fucking babysit your own kids then.

PAZ: I feel like in this set of readings it points out her white fur like twice.

JULIAN: Like that's why she's named that.

LIZ: Yeah. She's not called Treefur. It's Frostfur.

PAZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: They are cats. It's the limited object permanence thing. They're gonna talk shit, and they're gonna turn around and be like, oh, Frostfur, I'm so sorry. I do not mean you. Nothing but respect for-- nothing but respect for my queens.

JULIAN: Oh.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

JULIAN: Well, I mean, in the next chapter, we do discover that Cloudkit is in fact very good at being a warrior.

PAZ: Yes, I love Cloudkit. He's so cute.

LIZ: He's just a little baby.

PAZ: And he makes bad little kid decisions, which is just cuter.

JULIAN: Yeah, he just wants to be a good part of the clan.

PAZ: I know.

LIZ: He's like, I will go grocery shopping in a blizzard.

JULIAN: Cloudkit coming back with two onions and a potato.

LIZ: Listen, that's like, what? Two latkes. I don't know. That's a lot of onion though. Two really big ones, onion heavy.

JULIAN: I do have a note about that this is what cat racism does. Because I do wonder like, obviously Cloudkit is like, his desire to like, prove himself is very cute. But I also wonder how much of it is him being like, well, if everyone's gonna say that I'm like, not fit to be a warrior, because I know they-- like he can hear them. How much of this is like him trying to prove that he can help provide for the clan?

PAZ: Yeah, I definitely think that's what's happening.

LIZ: Which is also sad.

JULIAN: Yeah, he's just a baby.

PAZ: Apparently, his siblings like him enough to go out into the blizzard with him, though, so there's that.

LIZ: I don't know how, like, their relationship is gonna turn out, or even if it's gonna be explored very much. But I do like the idea of like, here's my extremely extroverted sibling who at the age of baby just hunted a whole animal. And like the other siblings just like, oh, we're introverts or whatever.

JULIAN: Yeah, isn't he like four weeks old or something at this point?

PAZ: It's something like that. Maybe six weeks, I don't know.

LIZ: Just imagine the shape of this, the shape of this small baby.

PAZ: He's too small. I can't protect him.

JULIAN: And like I understand why Bluestar is very pissed, because it is bad if your kits wander out, um, but also like her being like, oh, it's against the warrior code. It's like where?

PAZ: Yeah, what? Where?

LIZ: They're babies. I don't think they know yet.

JULIAN: Point it out to me. Like, at what age are kits responsible for knowing the warrior code?

PAZ: Yeah, how--

JULIAN: Do they go to school?

PAZ: Do they?

LIZ: Are you teaching them ethics? They don't get any teachers besides basically PE coaches by the age of like 12.

PAZ: Yeah, I feel like you learn the warrior code when you're an apprentice.

JULIAN: Like are the queens supposed to be teaching them this in the nursery?

LIZ: The queens have degrees in ethics. They are teaching them right now. You just don't see it.

PAZ: Is this like child labor laws in the warrior code?

JULIAN: Kits cannot work in the mills.

LIZ: I don't care how tiny your beans are.

PAZ: Your paws may be able to reach between these-- I don't know-- twigs, but not allowed.

JULIAN: I just like, this isn't like-- not to make another Untamed reference-- but this isn't like, the warrior code is not like the fucking Lan clan rules that are up on a rock for everyone to look at.

PAZ: Maybe they are. It just hasn't mentioned it.

LIZ: It just seems like--

JULIAN: The cats have been able to read and write this whole time.

LIZ: They just don't want to cause they're all stupid jocks. But yeah, it just seems to be a general consensus thing that when you-- like if you break them and you're an adult, you get attacked. You get in a fight.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't even know.

LIZ: I don't know how much like, do they get like trials? I don't think? I don't remember.

PAZ: I have no fucking idea.

JULIAN: It's also interesting that like Fireheart is specifically like, oh, Graystripe broke the warrior code and like you didn't say shit about him.

PAZ: Yes, I love that line.

JULIAN: Which is very good. But also like he doesn't mention Yellowfang, who definitely broke the warrior code.

LIZ: Well, Fireheart respects girlbosses.

PAZ: She did that a long time ago.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's true.

PAZ: Yeah. But I want to read that sentence because it was really good. "Fireheart swallowed a pang of resentment as he thought of how shamelessly Graystripe, a clanborn cat, was disobeying the warrior code." Get his ass.

JULIAN: Shameless. Graystripe, you hussy.

LIZ: It's also a good little like, like that expression of actual anger against Bluestar for once, it's a good like-- it's a pretty clear way of showing that like, oh wow, it sucks to get like microaggressed. No?

PAZ: Yeah, and the fact that it's not just Fireheart being constantly microaggressed now too. It's like someone he cares about also going through it, I think is definitely--

LIZ: Who's a baby.

JULIAN: Who's a baby! Sorry, I do have a note about, are kittypets the model minority?

LIZ: Oh God.

JULIAN: Which is half a joke and half a like, you know, it does seem like they have to work twice as hard. Or like it's setting that up.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't remember what happens with Cloudkit's arc but if I-- I mean, I don't know because I never read it. But if I had to guess, it's probably gonna be that

JULIAN: Yeah, I super unfortunately do not remember and also did not register it when I read these books at age like 8, 11, somewhere in there, but.

LIZ: Well, I have the gift of prophecy as we know from the finale of our last book, so I'm gonna say that Cloudkit grows up to be like Cloudclaw.

PAZ: Whoa.

LIZ: Very fierce. Yeah. And he's like love some of you guys, hate the rest of you guys because you're extremely xenophobic. I'm out because I am an adult now. Going to found my own clan called Megaboneclan, only if you're hardcore. And not gonna be xenophobic to everyone. Can you come in? Yep, peace. I'm out. Uncle Fireheart, I'll FaceTime you later. Okay, bye.

PAZ: Okay, well, can't wait for that arc.

JULIAN: Perfect.

PAZ: I guess in conjunction with the Cloudkit stuff is like the scenes Fireheart gets with Sandstorm, which are good. I do love and also like, holy shit that it had to take Fireheart straight up saying to Bluestar, like, they should really be like warriors now for that to happen.

JULIAN: Yeah, Bluestar, do your job.

LIZ: I wondered if like how long it was taking was actually like going to be a plot point. But it just seems to be like oh, she's been busy.

JULIAN: Yeah, I kind of thought that it would end up being a plot point.

PAZ: Yeah, but what--

JULIAN: And I don't know if we'll like hear more about it later.

PAZ: What I know that I thought it could be a plot point in conjunction with hasn't really happened yet. So I don't know. But do you think if Fireheart hadn't said anything they would have been apprentices for another like three months?

LIZ: Oh my god. Sucks. Probably like another few days until the next battle happens, right?

PAZ: I don't even know.

JULIAN: Right? The pace of battles in this book is pretty high.

PAZ: Yeah, this book has way more battles. For sure.

JULIAN: Living up to my mom's nickname of Catfight, the series.

PAZ: I guess it makes sense though. Because now Fireheart is like a warrior and...

JULIAN: Right.

PAZ: Going into battle.

LIZ: I'm just, there's so many of them happening. Just imagine the noise of this book like if it was a movie. It would just be like, you know, when you hear cats fight in the alley at night, but like times 100.

JULIAN: Imagining that in surround sound. Incredible.

LIZ: 3D.

PAZ: I just keep thinking about how Harper Collins said no-- or like some of the mods said no violence on the official forums. Like, have you read the book?

JULIAN: Book two we get like, spine biting.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Yeah. Graystripe finally kills someone. Like--

LIZ: On purpose?

PAZ: --I guess, on purpose directly. He has a high body count prior, as we know, but yeah, I guess he's killed someone before Fireheart has now, like in battle.

JULIAN: Yeah, has Fireheart actually killed anyone?

PAZ: No, I don't think so.

LIZ: I don't think so. He gets close a lot of times. And I'm getting some--

JULIAN: Right, his morals.

LIZ: Yeah, we're getting some conflicts about how like, it's like part of the warrior code is, you know, non lethal damage, apparently.

PAZ: But then no one cares that-- I don't even know. I don't know, because nobody really cares, like Graystripe killed Clawface or whatever. But I guess they were also rogues.

LIZ: Yeah, I don't know.

JULIAN: Is it like, you're only supposed to do non lethal damage to another clan cat?

PAZ: Geez. The implications of that.

LIZ: Interesting.

JULIAN: I'm so iffy on like, what the warrior code says, and also like, what the code of ethics in battle specifically is because like, there was that whole big deal in book one about how bad it was that like that like Redtail killed Oakheart or whatever. And then, in book two it's just like, yeah, you can kill whoever the fuck you want.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't. I have no idea.

JULIAN: I do wonder a little bit if there's anything thematic with the kind of breakdown, I guess, of the warrior code. Because it's like, also definitely against the warrior code to-- which we'll talk about more when we talk about like chapters 29 and 30. But like, definitely against the warrior code to team up with another clan and like attack people.

LIZ: Yeah, I feel like it could be leading up to that. And probably like in a future thing, like the younger generation could be like, this part of the warrior code sucks. We need to reform it and not really question it beyond that.

PAZ: Yeah, I have no idea.

LIZ: Yep, no idea.

PAZ: But that would make sense if it leads up to something like that.

LIZ: Um.

PAZ: Oh, go ahead.

LIZ: No, just wondering where we should go from here, if we're--

PAZ: I have the--

LIZ: If we've covered everything?

PAZ: The last thing is that the Spottedleaf stuff comes back very suddenly.

LIZ: Oh, yeah. Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's really out of nowhere.

PAZ: I like legit forgot about her.

LIZ: Yeah, cause it's been like a whole book.

JULIAN: It's been a book and like, Fireheart hasn't thought about her once.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Like, I get he's been busy. He's had a lot on his mind. But like, for it to be like, oh, and here she is, like, helping him in battle and appearing to him in a dream. And it's like, yeah, hey, you could have like, dropped a hint about this earlier in the book.

LIZ: Absolutely.

JULIAN: Like maybe he feels a little sad to go to the medicine cat den to see Cinderpaw and be like, yeah, I love Yellowfang but damn, I miss Spottedleaf. You know, just a little something something.

LIZ: Yeah. And without that, it just ends up being really clumsy and not almost funny. Very funny.

PAZ: Very funny, too, because she's described like in a weird...

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: This is the sexy she-cat way.

LIZ: No one else gets treated like this.

PAZ: It's like her sweet scent, her soft pink nose. Like what is going on?

JULIAN: Not even Sandstorm, who's definitely getting the romance, like lead up is getting this kind of treatment. And it's like, what's happening?

PAZ: Yeah. It's so funny because it's literally only with her.

JULIAN: This is where I do admit that like me in fourth and fifth grade had a big old crush on Spottedleaf.

PAZ: I can't blame you.

JULIAN: And now I'm reading this book, and I'm like--

LIZ: It was shaped by that. This was written--

JULIAN: --where was this? Like, where did this come from?

PAZ: It's so weird. I don't know if they were like, we're just gonna be consistent with the writing from the first book.

LIZ: You didn't need to be. It's been a book. We wouldn't have remembered. I don't think you need to be able--

JULIAN: Well, it's also--

LIZ: No, go ahead.

JULIAN: Go ahead.

LIZ: No, if she's like a spirit, you don't have to smell her. I don't know.

PAZ: How are we supposed to know she's hot otherwise, Liz?

LIZ: Just talk about her like spots. That's what her name is. Her beautiful spots that remind me of a leaf.

JULIAN: It's also so weird that like all of this stuff, like all of their interactions, like the way that they like touch or whatever is like weirdly sensual, but like the rest of the cats are like, you know, licking and like... in like very nonsensual ways. Like when Sandstorm and Dustpelt become warriors, they lick Bluestar, and it's totally normal. It's treated as completely normal.

LIZ: Yeah, cause it's cat stuff.

JULIAN: Cause that's what cats do. But suddenly, when Spottedleaf is doing the licking, it's like ooooooh.

PAZ: I'm not even angry about it because it's hilarious.

LIZ: God, and we did mention Sandstorm being set up for the romantic interest thing. And it's like, putting those these side by side, there's such a comical difference. She's just like a normal person. She doesn't have a weird smell. I don't even know if we have a flattering description of her that isn't just normal.

PAZ: I mean, like the flattering descriptions of her are like she's really good at fighting.

LIZ: Yeah, and it's like that's nice. Like for a kids romance? Yeah. Kids book romance. Talk about how cool she is instead of what she smells like. What does she smell like? She's a cat.

PAZ: They're really struggling how to write this cat romance. Even though I think they figured it out with Sandstorm. I don't know why...

JULIAN: Well, you know, she smells like pine, mouse, and something uniquely Sandstorm.

PAZ: You mean Spottedleaf? Or wait.

JULIAN: Or Spottedleaf.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: So fucking funny. That's my new Etsy soap scent.

LIZ: Oh, I'm sorry. We have to take a break for a second for a very crucial search.

PAZ: Oh god.

JULIAN: Oh, I wonder if there are any-- while you do your search, I'm going to do mine.

LIZ: Well, it's a-- oh no. It's just soap shaped like cats.

PAZ: Damn.

JULIAN: Damn.

LIZ: I'm so disappointed.

JULIAN: I wanted to look to see if there were any Warrior Cats teas.

LIZ: Oh you're so right.

JULIAN: On that tea site that does the fandom teas. And great news, there are.

PAZ: Oh thank god.

LIZ: [claps] Yes.

JULIAN: They spelled Graystripe's name wrong, though.

LIZ: Is there a dash in between? Maybe it's a character development thing.

JULIAN: Oh, what's Bluestar's tea? Snowbud, white peony, and white blueberry, accented with coconut. That sounds bad.

PAZ: I don't know much about tea. But yeah.

LIZ: When have these British cats ever fucking even seen a coconut?

JULIAN: Oh, here's Ravenpaw, "a calming blend in honor of a nervous apprentice. Includes caramel, decaf vanilla, and mocha nut mate, accented with cocoa nibs."

LIZ: Decaf vanilla.

PAZ: That sounds okay. I think that's it for the first chunk.

JULIAN: Yep.

LIZ: I think so.

PAZ: Okay, well, I will go on to the summaries for the last two chapters. Okay, Chapter 29. The next day, Fireheart can't stop thinking about Spottedleaf's warning and her unique scent and Graystripe's loyalty. The snow has stopped. But Onewhisker from WindClan runs into the camp begging for help because RiverClan and ThunderClan are attacking WindClan.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: Bluestar gathers--

LIZ: Sorry, typo on my part. It's ShadowClan.

PAZ: Fuck. Yeah, okay. The snow has stopped, but Onewhisker from WindClan runs into the camp begging for help because RiverClan and ShadowClan are attacking WindClan. Bluestar gathers the clan and says they must help. There is little protest, but Tigerclaw steps in and says he agrees with Bluestar because ShadowClan and RiverClan might attack ThunderClan next. Yellowfang says Bluestar should remain at camp because of her health and Firestar-- bleagh. Fireheart knows it's also because of her last life.

Bluestar tells Tigerclaw to lead the attack parties. Whitestorm takes one party and Tigerclaw gathers warriors for the other, including Fireheart and Onewhisker. You know. Graystripe is with the other party, and Fireheart knows he'll have to choose sides now.

Soon after they leave, Willowpelt says they're being followed, but it turns out to be Cloudkit and Brindleface's kits again. Tigerclaw tests Fireheart's loyalty and says to deal with it, and Fireheart just asks Brackenpaw to take the kits home. Cloudkit protests, but Fireheart promises they'll fight together someday, ignoring the other warriors. Tigerclaw tells Fireheart to lead them to WindClan since he knows the way, and since he probably doesn't trust Onewhisker. Graystripe also knows the way but is too miserable to help. They arrive at the camp, where the battle is already taking place.

Chapter 30. At the battle, WindClan is totally outnumbered by ShadowClan and RiverClan. ThunderClan attacks and more enemy parties show up. As Fireheart battles a RiverClan cat, Onewhisker ends up finishing the fight for him. Fireheart in a totally normal bro way notices the fire in Onewhisker's eyes. In the middle of the battle, Fireheart sees a RiverClan cat about to attack Graystripe and wonders if he'll fight back. But he attacks a ShadowClan cat instead.

Tigerclaw calls out for Fireheart, who tries to get to him, but is attacked by a RiverClan cat, Leopardfur, who is RiverClan's deputy, who he'd met at the gorge where Whiteclaw died. Fireheart calls out to Tigerclaw for help, but he just watches. Fireheart is so angry that he can flip Leopardfur off. He and Tigerclaw give each other the stink eye before returning the battle.

While Fireheart fights a RiverClan cat, he is attacked by Silverstream. As she is about to claw him, Graystripe's voice stops her. Fireheart instinctively attacks when she backs down, but sees Graystripe watching and can't bring himself to hurt Silverstream. She slips away, and Fireheart sees Darkstripe watching him. ShadowClan is eventually driven off, leaving RiverClan alone Fireheart sees Tigerclaw tackle the ShadowClan leader, Crookedstar, going for his neck. He doesn't kill Crookedstar, but ends the battle, and they flee.

Fireheart wonders briefly about Spottedleaf's prophecy about how fire will save the clan. He also thinks about Spottedleaf's warning about warriors he can't trust and finally realizes that that meant Tigerclaw, the guy who loves murder and he knows did at least one murder, and not Graystripe. Tigerclaw confronts Fireheart about letting Silverstream escape, and Fireheart asks if he wanted him to kill her. Tigerclaw also makes insinuations about Graystripe's loyalty, and they both see him return, presumably from checking on Silverstream. When he leaves, Graystripe and Fireheart finally talk about his conflicted feelings, and Fireheart promises he will always be Graystripe's friend. And that is the end of the book.

LIZ: My god.

JULIAN: Action-packed chapters.

PAZ: So much happens. Man, WindClan is literally just minding their own business.

LIZ: It feels like WindClan is like 10 people, and they're just like oh God. Should we move back?

PAZ: Leave them alone. I'm like extra defensive of them because they're my favorite clan, but like what?

JULIAN: Literally, they're just vibing.

PAZ: Yeah, at the gathering, Tallstar was like, y'all are freaks. We're leaving, bye.

LIZ: Do you think they went in going like, Gee, I wonder what everyone else is doing? It sure is great that we solve that whole clan being driven out thing. Let's go see our good friends who helped us. Oh, okay. Mm.

JULIAN: I also don't understand like, just from setting aside morals, as we do in the Warrior Cats books. And from a purely like, you know, political/logistical perspective, why would they go after WindClan who has like two rabbits and not ThunderClan?

PAZ: I have no idea. I assume in the next book we'll find out why the fuck they did that, but.

JULIAN: Like I guess it is like, they're easier targets, but like, it just doesn't seem worth it.

PAZ: Yeah, I think on the way to WindClan's camp, Fireheart notes like there is fucking nothing here.

JULIAN: Like their camp is like a slight hollow in the moor. It's a bunch of gorse.

LIZ: And that's an improvement from the sewer.

JULIAN: Like this is not going to solve RiverClan's food problem.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No, they can't even catch the rabbits, as we learned in the beginning of the book.

JULIAN: It is very-- the Fireheart/Onewhisker content in these chapters is extremely good

PAZ: It's real. I was doubting it when it first came up from whatever we were searching that.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I thought it was kind of a crack ship.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: But no, I'm on board.

PAZ: I'm on board too.

LIZ: If their clans keep consorting, you never know. Maybe in book 3, the political marriage of convenience will be real.

PAZ: Yeah, can't rule it out.

LIZ: Yeah. No.

JULIAN: Like, they're battle husbands.

PAZ: Yeah, I can't remember. Did Onewhisker jump in to get a cat off Fireheart or help him or something?

LIZ: Yeah, yeah. I also didn't put it in the summary. But there's a part where like, I think Tigerclaw is asking, like, what Onewhisker's name is, and Onewhisker is so intimidated that Fireheart just does it for him.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's really good.

PAZ: It's good. I hope we keep seeing content for them. I feel like I remember vaguely the Onewhisker arc. Can't be sure though.

JULIAN: Yeah. My note for the beginning of chapter 29 is just, Fireheart, go help your boyfriend. It is interesting. Like, Tigerclaw is right for once, even if it's just because he wants to fight and kill. So it does make him slightly more complex as a villain that he's like--

PAZ: I feel like he's been right a lot. Multiple times in this book.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, you're right.

LIZ: It's so interesting to me because for a lot of the times, Fireheart is agreeing with him.

PAZ: Yeah. And it kind of almost points it out or, like, comes back to it in this chapter about how like, it has made Fireheart forget that like, wait, he's a horrible murderer. But Fireheart remembers that when Tigerclaw tries to murder him. Got a little refresher.

LIZ: That's all it took.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw at it again.

PAZ: Tigerclaw, he really tries to murder indirectly so much. His success rate is not great. But God, is he trying.

LIZ: A for effort.

JULIAN: Um, like a little bit before that, we do get some kind of setting up their conflict when Tigerclaw is like shitty to Fireheart about Cloudkit trying to follow them out. Like, when Fireheart has Brackenpaw send Cloudkit and the other kits back, Tigerclaw is like, "Oh, I didn't think you'd be so keen to fight this battle." And it's like, why would he not? He likes WindClan. But then the-- "Fireheart stared at Tigerclaw and felt the blood pulse through him so his whole body throbbed with rage. 'If only you were keen too,' he retorted, 'you'd give the battle cry instead of keeping us here while WindClan warriors die.'"

LIZ: Get him.

JULIAN: Like right in front of everybody.

PAZ: Yeah, that was a really good scene.

LIZ: Very cathartic.

PAZ: Yeah, I do love Fireheart like, standing up to him.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's good. I do wonder if Tigerclaw would have been so eager to let him die if he hadn't.

PAZ: I feel like Tigerclaw's consistently not liked him, though. So.

JULIAN: That's true.

PAZ: And also I think Tigerclaw's pretty sure like Fireheart knows or something.

JULIAN: Right, I forgot about the whole Ravenpaw situation.

LIZ: He's also made a lot of like insinuations about Fireheart's loyalty specifically when RiverClan comes up, and I wonder if there's like, if he thinks something else about what happened there, or if he's mistaking, like, I don't know, Fireheart for being like the spy or something that RiverClan talked about. Cause he's like--

PAZ: I feel like he knows it's Graystripe, though.

LIZ: Yeah, like by the end, I think that's it, but I don't know. Maybe it's just like, themes.

JULIAN: Yeah, definitely. He's definitely like making a lot of insinuations. He loves-- he loves to do murder and he loves to insinuate.

LIZ: It's very fun to read.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm excited for that conflict to continue. Tigerclaw is such a good fun villain.

LIZ: Yeah, I can't believe they didn't get him, though. By the end of this book.

JULIAN: I know. The moment, where like, he's just standing there watching Fireheart get like his belly clawed is so good.

LIZ: Yeah, it's a great, like, the way the scene is written is really good.

JULIAN: Like, in general, the battle scenes are like, you know, very well written. I understand why all of the RPs were like 90% battle scenes by volume.

LIZ: They're very good action scenes.

JULIAN: Yeah, which is hard to write.

LIZ: Yeah, they're cut, like, cut through with like these, I guess bullet time like, personal character conflicts that like really give it a little extra flavor, so it's not like a slog. It's like, so much stuff is happening now. I have to deal with this? Oh, boy. In a good way.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, they do a good job of making the fight scenes also deal with like character's emotional arcs.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like the fight scenes are used to, like drive the personal plots forward, I feel like. Gotta say, though, Fireheart taking Spottedleaf's warning to be not clearly about Tigerclaw. I was like, Oh my god.

LIZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: I mean, I gotta say, I wasn't sure it was about Tigerclaw because I had also been lulled into a false sense of security by Tigerclaw being mostly normal.

PAZ: Oh, I was like--

JULIAN: Throughout this book.

PAZ: I was like, it's fucking Tigerclaw.

JULIAN: I thought it might be Onewhisker like for a little bit.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: Because there's a portion in the book where like Tigerclaw seems to doubt that Onewhisker will lead them to the camp. And I was like, Oh shit, is it a trap?

PAZ: I have no doubt about Onewhisker.

JULIAN: I doubted him.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: That would have been very tasty, though. Just like, my good friend, who I saved, who seems to be an upstanding young gentleman? Oh, the betrayal. What are these conflicted feelings I have? I won't think about them. Except I will.

PAZ: No, I also was just like I didn't suspect it because I'm like WindClan is just staying in their lane. Like, why would they fake this?

LIZ: If we want to go full AU, it could be like oh, WindClan was like, had their hand forced, and now all the three clans, two willingly, are converging on ThunderClan. But that's-- I don't know. That's just, it's not as interesting to me.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I was fully as dumb as Fireheart, despite having read this book before.

PAZ: Okay, Fireheart gets a pass, then.

LIZ: Fireheart speaks to a certain little dumb cell in all our brains at some point. That's why he's so relatable. And also, it's like you said, Tigerclaw is being so normal throughout most of the book. He did just become mean teacher again, instead of like, evil war criminal.

JULIAN: He was saving it up for the last two chapters.

LIZ: It's his ult.

PAZ: Gotta press Q for Tigerclaw.

LIZ: Press Q for war crime.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

JULIAN: The bit with like Silverstream and Graystripe is, you know, there it is.

PAZ: Yeah, Graystripe sure is gonna keep causing problems, huh?

LIZ: Mm-hmm. It's like, I'm not mad that it's happening, but we haven't seen anything of them. So it's just like a plot point rather than any investment, which is kind of what it's for, I guess.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't think we're like, we're not supposed to sympathize with Graystripe. So probably why it's not super shown.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: I mean, like, not completely sympathize.

JULIAN: We're not supposed to. That doesn't stop like most of the fandom.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: At least like what I-- I'm sure that there were like, opposing camps. But what I saw of it was very much like Graystripe did nothing wrong.

PAZ: Well, I'm here to say in 2021, Graystripe did a lot of things wrong.

JULIAN: Because we were all 12 and thought that being in love meant you didn't have any responsibilities.

LIZ: And you know, at 12, you're allowed to do that. Go on.

PAZ: I'm sure it'll all end fine.

JULIAN: Definitely, definitely nothing will go wrong. I do have a note.

LIZ: Yeah, absolutely.

JULIAN: There's a moment where, like, Tigerclaw is attacking Crookedstar, the RiverClan leader. And like, he like bites Crookedstar's neck. And then there's a moment that it's like, "Crookedstar's pained screech told Fireheart that Tigerclaw had missed the spine." And it's like, oh geez.

LIZ: Jesus.

PAZ: These cats are fucking each other up.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw loves to try to kill leaders.

PAZ: I read that as him like purposely not killing him. But.

JULIAN: No, I think you're right.

PAZ: You know? He's probably really considering it.

LIZ: Mm hmm. If it was just like--

JULIAN: He doesn't get to do any murders.

LIZ: Yeah. Okay, I'm looking at the summary here. I didn't really write much about the prophecy because the summary's already pretty long. But we should probably recap because I think that was way from the beginning of the book, if not further back.

PAZ: The fire prophecy?

LIZ: Yeah, it's like how fire will save ThunderClan.

PAZ: Yeah, that's from the first book, but I think it was reiterated at the top in this book.

LIZ: Yes, so I think Fireheart thinks that fire refers to Tallstar, who just looks so cool and handsome in the sunlight. And then he's like, is it? Is it really him though? Because WindClan is doing so bad. So Fireheart, our protagonist, who's orange, is like, I got to think about this. That's it.

PAZ: He has a lot of other things on his mind.

JULIAN: He's a sweet boy.

PAZ: He doesn't know yet he's the protagonist.

LIZ: That's true. He doesn't have that meta brain, which is better. Fireheart turns to look directly at the reader. What else is there? I guess we could talk about the last scene.

PAZ: Yeah, where like Fireheart and Graystripe kind of make up.

LIZ: Yeah. I think it's sweet.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, it was sweet.

JULIAN: It's like a pretty abrupt ending, I feel like.

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: How did the last one end? Like the last book, I don't quite remember.

PAZ: I feel like it was them being made warriors, right?

JULIAN: Um, let's see. Yeah, the last scene is them becoming warriors.

PAZ: I mean, like one thing about Fire and Ice, I think, is it had less of an overarching plot. It was like a lot of little plot threads, I feel like, because like we said, Tigerclaw wasn't really being the central villain in it.

JULIAN: Yeah, it definitely feels like it's setting up a lot of stuff for like later books, in a way that-- which makes sense based on what we've read about how the first book was kind of originally supposed to be standalone.

LIZ: Yeah. It's definitely widened like the circle of characters and just places a lot.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't think it's bad. It just like, I guess it would lead to a less decisive ending because it's like, well, a lot of stuff came up, and nothing really got solved yet. So.

JULIAN: Yeah, it is nice to like, wrap up on this Fireheart-Graystripe scene.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: When their conflict/relationship has been such a throughline.

PAZ: Yeah, I do. That's like the major throughline for sure is Fireheart and Graystripe. I mean, on the old version of the cover, that's the little picture is them sitting next to each other.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: In front of the moon.

LIZ: Aww.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's a good cover.

PAZ: Yeah, it is.

JULIAN: The original one.

LIZ: I also like seeing the two endings compared to each other because it's like, when they're kids and the ending is them. But you know, they're on good terms. And then when they're a little older, it's still them, but it's much more difficult.

PAZ: Yeah, that's a good mirror ending.

JULIAN: Man, I forgot how much fighting cats is on the cover of the...

PAZ: Yeah, I have. I have my like, old book with the old cover. I think the scene behind them is just the final battle at WindClan.

JULIAN: Yeah, here. I'm going to upload it to the server so you can see it, Liz.

LIZ: Oh, yeah. Wow. I love that.

JULIAN: They're just fighting.

LIZ: I love the background too. It's very, well, evocative of the title, but that's like good color contrast.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's nice.

LIZ: Oh, you guys gotta see the Polish cover for Fire and Ice.

PAZ: Ooh.

JULIAN: Oh, please show us.

LIZ: It is not what you're expecting.

[laughter]

JULIAN: Oop!

PAZ: It's uh, it's Graystripe and Silverstream, I think, being...

JULIAN: They're just, uh--

PAZ: Oh my god, look at Fireheart way in the background.

JULIAN: Wait. Oh no!

[laughter]

PAZ: Just like Graystripe and Silverstream at the front doing a little like cat affectionate headbutt, and then way in the background, very distant, is little orange Fireheart.

LIZ: [wheezing] I'm crying.

JULIAN: The artist for the Polish books was like, they shipped it.

PAZ: Yeah, they fucking did, apparently. They were like, uh...

JULIAN: They were like, Graystripe and Silverstream are in love. Fuck y'all.

LIZ: Listen, Polish cover artist, you follow your heart. They gave Graystripe this very like-- these are-- I want to reiterate the style of this, which is just kind of like normal cats but a little more expressive. Like they made Graystripe look very like, romantic interest, handsome face.

JULIAN: Yeah, this is-- he's got like, luxurious chest fur.

PAZ: Big ol face.

LIZ: It's very funny. [laughing] Fireheart just way in the back. Little speck.

PAZ: Oh god. I don't know if I have anything else to add right now.

JULIAN: Oh, I do really quickly want to-- while we're looking at covers, the simplified Chinese cover is very good.

LIZ: Oh, boy.

PAZ: Oh, I love that.

LIZ: [gasps] Oh wow. Who is that?

JULIAN: It's got-- yeah, it's Fireheart but drawn with the roundest face in the world, kind of emerging from like, between branches above the snow. It's really good colors.

LIZ: This cover gives me the vibe of like those-- when you're like a kid, you read books about animals, but like, they're just regular ones and not like, society ones. And it's about surviving winter.

PAZ: Yeah, that's exactly the vibe.

JULIAN: Yeah, it definitely has the vibe of like, I feel like children's book covers from the 80s were all like-- or like a lot of them were like, painted in a way, like a very specific way. And this gives me those vibes. Strong use of shadow. Anyway.

PAZ: I mean, is that it?

JULIAN: Yeah, I don't have anything else.

PAZ: I still have to decide if we're gonna do like a wrap up episode. I don't know, could be fun. We could read Graystripe hate.

[giggling]

JULIAN: Oh my god.

LIZ: Oh, the one we wrote, you mean?

JULIAN: Oh, it would be fun-- I can like do some digging on the forums and see if I can find any like old discussions of Graystripe/Silverstream.

PAZ: Yeah, that would be great. Um, I don't know if we're gonna do the second segment in this episode because it was pretty long, like set of chapters. And I haven't eaten dinner, so.

JULIAN: Oh, no!

LIZ: We can end it now. I do have one last cover for us to close out with. So this is, according to my very quick google search, is the Fire and Ice UK cover. And--

PAZ: Oh, what?

LIZ: Here it is. [laughing]

PAZ: What is this font?

LIZ: I think one of them is Papyrus.

JULIAN: It's not Papyrus, but it's like a very, like, jokey--

LIZ: It's very close.

JULIAN: Like handwriting font.

PAZ: It's in the Nickelodeon slime color. I want to be clear.

JULIAN: So the top of the cover is just like a very HDR picture of a cat. Just like eyes to nose. I assume it's supposed to be Graystripe. It's a gray cat. Bright yellow eyes. And then against a white background, Warriors: Fire and Ice. In the Nickelodeon slime font. And then in this sort of vaguely Old English font, "friend or foe? One cat must decide." And then a little picture of an icy river.

LIZ: Beautiful.

JULIAN: I love the splash text.

LIZ: [dramatically] "Friend or foe? One cat must decide." And he has to take the whole book.

JULIAN: Cause that's not what's happening.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Oh. Also Erin Hunter's name in this is in all lowercase in this font that reminds me very strongly of like--

PAZ: Twilight?

JULIAN: YA romance novels.

PAZ: It reminds me of Twilight somehow.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think it's the long-- the H has like a really long swoosh to it.

PAZ: The fact that there are three distinct fonts on this cover that in no way match.

JULIAN: Graphic design is our passion.

PAZ: Oh, God.

JULIAN: Wait, if this is the UK cover, were the books published in the-- the writers are British!

PAZ: Maybe, I don't know. It's a special cover.

LIZ: Didn't we cover this? Didn't-- yes. Although it does say this is sourced from Pinterest. So I couldn't tell you.

PAZ: Mm, okay, I don't know.

LIZ: Okay, let me double check.

JULIAN: Let me look at the wiki, because they have all the covers also.

LIZ: [typing] Ice UK. I'm getting conflicting theories here.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Well, it's beautiful to me regardless. It's real in my heart.

JULIAN: No, I'm seeing it on the wiki as the English language, the UK edition.

PAZ: What happened?

JULIAN: And then there's an alternate version with the US cover, but bad.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: It's like the US cover but they messed up all the sizes and also desaturated the battle scene so it's like really yellow instead of red. It's bad to look at.

LIZ: Oh yeah, I see it. It's not good.

PAZ: How did they mess up the--

JULIAN: I don't like it. I mean, it's not awful, but it's just like, not as good.

PAZ: Oh, I see it. It's not as good at all.

LIZ: That's like a Photobooth filter. They put a little frame around Fireheart and Graystripe there.

PAZ: Yeah, they went to the photo booth together.

LIZ: Aw, they're making up. Bluestripe. Sorry, Blue, Blueheart. Bluestar. Wow, I went through a lot of them there. Bluestar took them both aside to say, I hate it when you guys fight. I got you tickets to the county fair. Go have fun.

JULIAN: Sorry, I know we're just talking about covers now. I do-- the Japanese version.

PAZ: Oh, yeah. I love all the Japanese covers.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Which has Graystripe and Silverstream sitting next to each other but they're drawn. [laughs] They're drawn in just such a style.

PAZ: It's a very fun style. It's not a bad style.

JULIAN: It's very good. No, I love it. It's very charming. Like they're a little cockeyed. It's very folk art-y. And there's like a little red moon? Sun? Question mark? Behind them.

LIZ: Graystripe is extremely fluffy in this one, but he looks very well groomed. Like he just combed himself for his date.

PAZ: He probably did.

JULIAN: He's gotta get smooth. He's gotta get silky.

LIZ: Yeah, if you put this on, like, a dinnerware set, I'd be like, cute.

PAZ: Yeah?

JULIAN: Yeah, I would buy a mug with this on it.

PAZ: But is that is that gonna do for us, you think, for Fire and Ice? Well, for now, maybe.

JULIAN: Yep.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: All right. And as always, you can find the show @staircast on twitter.com. Send in questions, stairwaytostarclan@gmail.com.

JULIAN: Tell us how you feel about Graystripe and Silverstream.

PAZ: Yeah, you know what, maybe write in.

LIZ: Wait.

PAZ: Maybe, maybe, on our maybe book wrap up podcast, we'll get into that.

LIZ: And if you-- while you're on Twitter looking for us, if you want to find a high res-- well, a middle res glossy JPEG of that Silverstream and Graystripe Polish cover in wallpaper size, you totally can. You just have to Google it. And it shows right up. It's like the first result. So for the fans out there, I hope you find it.

PAZ: Well, yeah, I think--

JULIAN: We can also tweet it.

PAZ: We can do that, maybe, if we remember. But I do want to hear everyone's Graystripe thoughts now.

JULIAN: Yeah. Tell us how you feel about everyone's worst friend. Not to bias the audience.

PAZ: We would never. But other than that, that's gonna do it for us. So until next time, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

[outro music]

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 18-19

Chapter 18

We’re in Nor’s POV again, so prepare for edge. Though that can be said about literally every chapter in this book.

Nor is having a dream about how she’s being crushed by a small rock that feels like a bunch of very big rocks. And then she falls into an abyss (relatable), and into a big ol’ fire.

It’s very dramatic, and also? Symbolism.

Extremely symbolism. 

She wakes up.

She was so cold. Her body, coated in sweat, was attracting the frigid recycled air that clung to her like a second skin.

How does one “attract” air? I know what they’re trying to say but like, at some point you just gotta stop trying to twist more meaning and drama out of every meaningless detail. 

People say show don’t tell, but here, Shinsay follows up their telling with really dubious showing. Why do you do this? Just to pad the word count? More words doesn’t make you a better writer.

We’re introduced to Zahn, who is Nor’s bodyguard and also lover. They cuddle for a bit and Nor thinks about how nobody but Zahn is allowed to see her this vulnerable. 

“I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think, Zahn.” She lifted her prosthetic hand to her face to wipe away the tears, then dropped it, disgusted by the sight of the gold metal, of the scars marring her upper wrist. Disgusted with herself for feeling so weak.

Ah. We’re doing this now, are we?

It’s okay though, because Zahn takes her fake, disgusting hand and kisses her tears away! 

How sweet.

“You’re safe,” he said with a sigh. “I will always protect you, Nor.”

“I don’t need protecting,” she whispered.

I know this is supposed to be deep and not true, but she’s basically telling him, her bodyguard, that she only pays him to sleep with her. 

To many people, Nor was the stone-cold ruler who haunted the nightmares of her foes. But to Zahn, she was just Nor. The love of his life, as he was hers.

Cool cool. The narrative then continues to talk about how they were there for each other when the war took their families and how he’s the only one who’s seen her at her weakest and bla bla bla.

This chapter is literally just a massive infodump about this new rando. You couldn’t have woven his existence into the narrative in a more elegant way, Shinsay?

“Don’t leave me,” Nor said, looking up into his eyes. Seeing the passion mirrored there.

“I would never dream of it,” he said.

Their lips touched, and his hands slid down her bare back, gentle at first. Then hungry for more as she let him lay her back down.

“I love you,” Zahn said. “My Nhatyla.”

The lingering fear from her nightmare trickled away as a very different sort of feeling took its place.

“A very different sort of feeling,” Shinsay?

Are you two grown women or twelve actual years old, combined? Why is this so coy? You can’t have both all these MATURE and EDGY characters who are all about TEH SECKS and VIOLENS while basically giggling like tweens whenever you make a reference to fucking. 

If you don’t want to deal with the subject, why include it at all? This is YA, isn’t it? Teens can handle discussions and references to sex. You could probably even get away with sex scenes if you write them carefully and don’t make them too explicit.

If you wanted to be completely PG, why is everyone always making grody sex jokes? If you wanted them all to have amazing sex lives, why don’t you have them (and the narration) speak maturely and openly about the subject?

I do not understand the reasoning behind any of this.

Chapter 19

We’re back with Dex, who, if you recall, kissed Andi without her consent in chapter 17.

DEX HAD FORGOTTEN how fast Andi’s reflexes could be when she was mad.

Furious, actually, he thought, as he watched the shock on her face melt into a mask of pure, boiling rage.

The sentence above, my friends, is a perfect illustration of why I have such problems with purple prose and using a bunch of “pretty descriptions” that don’t mean jack shit just to show off how deep your writing is.

Allow me to be extremely nitpicky and go off on a tangent while I analyze this ... word vomit.

Melting happens when something gets warm enough to change state from solid to liquid, but without necessarily boiling. In writing, the word usually has positive connotations. ”Molten” metals are often used as eye colors for love interests, people “melt” when another person does something sweet or romantic for them, et cetera. 

It makes people think of warmth, softness, pliability. 

When Andi’s shock melts into “a mask of rage,” it implies that the rage is solidified, but also that it’s fake, because it’s only a mask. Then we’re told that it’s actually boiling still. The fact that her shock is “on” her face doesn’t help.

Now, I know what you’ll say: Eff, this isn’t literal! It’s all just a metaphor!

But metaphors have to make sense, and conflicting, confusing visuals and concepts do nothing but shine a spotlight on the author’s carelessness. They’ve picked these words because they have inherent meaning and they sound good and intense, but without understanding how to use that meaning to their advantage.

If Shinsay wanted to keep the “hot rage” angle, I’d suggest something like this:

Dex watched as the shock on Andi’s face boiled over into white-hot rage.

Jesus Christ, I’m only two sentences in.

Anywhoo, Andi beats Dex with a chair. I would’ve killed him on the spot but I’ll take what I can get.

Andi spat on the ground, then rubbed her lips with the back of her sleeve. For one moment, she looked purely Andi, angry as a wet feline and terrifyingly beautiful.

...

So uh. For future reference: Comparing to your badass, ruthles space pirate to a wet cat 

is probably the dumbest fucking thing you can do.

I guess Dex is also impressed that Andi looks like Andi. 

And here I thought standards couldn’t go any lower.

Maybe there’s a message of positivity in there? Dex loves you if you look like you, girls! Just be yourself, and also angry as a wet cat.

Then he saw the moment when Andi’s face changed. She transformed into someone else entirely; an actress playing the perfect part.

So you’re gonna describe to me how her shock melts into a mask of rage and how she looks angry like a wet cat, but you won’t tell me how Dex sees her slip into the role of an actress playing the perfect part? Something that would actually be quite interesting to witness?

Figures.

Andi starts acting like Dex cheated on her and Lira and Breck join in as the other women, which for some reason confuses Dex, the ultimate mastermind that he is. He catches on eventually as the other patrons start surrounding them in the hopes of a juicy fight.

Breck kicks him and he flies across the room, which is absolutely delightful and I love it. She kicked him into the table of the Lunamere guards (finally someone does something smart) and a fight with them breaks out. 

Dex wasn’t the tallest man by Mirabel standards, but what he lacked in height, he made up in speed and agility—and above all, the desire to win.

And as we all know, people who lose always actually want to lose, and the guards he’s fighting against just don’t want to win enough!

Makes perfect sense.

He was all grace and glory as he spun and whirled, taking out Lunamere guards as they rushed forward in hopes of sinking their knives into his gut.

Don’t make me do a GLORY count. Blease.

We switch POV to Andi. This entire chapter/fight scene is for some reason broken up into chunks, even though it’s all the same one scene and at one point we don’t even switch POVs, but the scene break is still there?

Who edited this?

[The Lunamere guard] howled and dropped, and then she was off again, leaping over his fallen form, her hands itching to raise hell, draw blood and spread the glory of her name.

The Bloody Baroness was here.

She’d make sure every single one of them knew it.

THE GLORY OF HER NAME

Note how Andi seems to just love this. I guess when the narrative needs her to be ruthless and badass, she’s all about being the Bloody Baroness and loves to SPREAD HER GLORY, but when she’s angsting, it’s all about how much she hates murder and remembers every single person she’s killed.

Cheap, Shinsay. You’re cheap and so is your book.

Another POV skip. We’re back with Dex. It’s still the same scene, same fight.

The plan was in place. Everything was glorious, beautiful, blessed disarray.

GLORIOUS

Another scene break. We’re back with Andi. Holy shit, this is such a terrible, disconnected, patchy mess. 

Dex was cornered with his back against the bar, fresh green blood oozing from a cut on his brow.

Proof that his blood is actually green, in case y’all didn’t believe me. 

Idk what this means or if it will ever be explained, but whatever.

Every part of Andi’s soul told her to get the hell out of there before the Sparks went off. She could abandon the mission. Leave Valen Cortas in prison, with Dex beside him once the warden of Lunamere caught wind of this.

But as she stood back and watched the clock tick down, some tiny part of herself, some animal thing deep down, began to claw its way back up and out into the smoky pub light.

The Bloody Baroness never turned away from a fight.

See? Andi enjoys this, and willingly chooses it when she can do otherwise. So then why does Shinsay insist on making her all angsty and sad about the people she murders?

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND FUCK IT TOO, SHINSAY.

With a sigh, she pushed herself forward, swinging her borrowed knives as if they were extensions of her body. Little pieces of heaven clutched in her hellraising fists.

With a sigh? Why is she acting like she doesn’t have a choice and this is a chore, like her mom told her to clean her room? Oh my god.

And yeah, I had to look at “little pieces of heaven clutched in her hellraising fists,” and now so do you.

Anyway, the “Sparks” (if they were explained, I didn’t pay attention) that Andi’s team set up around the bar go off and:

Then the whole world exploded around [Andi and Dex].

God, I wish they could die in the explosion.

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Christmas in Connecticut-Chapter 13

A little fun Christmas fluff-Because it’s pretty evident that Andy is a dog person. Anyone else ever notice how much he seemed to like the dogs they came across on the show, he had real affectdion for them (as a dog lover I noticed and appreciated this). I remember the little one he raced off to catch and was then cuddling in his arms--Provenza made him give the dog to Rusty to walk and get back to work. Provenza is NOT a dog person. Anyway, that’s where the inspiration for the first scene comes from.

Also in this chapter we meet Sharon’s sister and brother in law, Christine and Ed. For reference, when writing them I pictured Dana Delaney and Brian Dennehy.

You can find Chapter 13 here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13293105/chapters/30889320

and here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789981/13/Christmas-in-Connecticut

and here:

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening In the lane snow is glistening A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is a new bird He sings a love song as we go along Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman Then pretend that he is Parson Brown He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No man" But you can do the job when you're in town

Later on we'll conspire As we dream by the fire To face unafraid, the plans that we've made Walking in a winter wonderland

***

“So, you like dogs?”

Andy glanced away from TV at William’s question. He’d been so engrossed in the football game, he’d hardly been aware that Guinness had jumped up on the couch and had his big golden head resting on his lap. Or that he’d been patting that head.

“Yeah, I do. We had one when Nic was a kid. Cute little mutt.” He’d lost Bandit in the divorce, along with Nicole. At least with Nicole he’d gotten visitation rights. Not so with Bandit.  “After my divorce there was no way I could take care of a dog on my schedule. You can’t have a dog when you’re getting stuck at work for sometimes 13 or 14 hours. But someday, maybe when I retire, I‘d like to get another one.”

“That’s why Mom never let us have a dog,” Ricky said. From the tone of his voice, Andy could tell this had been a bone of contention in the Raydor household.

“Ricky, you know I would love to have had a dog, but like Andy said, it wouldn’t have been fair to the dog. I didn’t work the crazy hours he did, at least not once I moved to the PSB, but with work and you and Emily and all your extracurricular activities there just wasn’t time.” She left out the dealing with everything “on my own” but it was there, and they all knew it.”

“Besides, Mom let us have cats.” Emily jumped in to her mother’s defense.

Ricky nodded. “Princess Buttercup.”

Rusty raised an eyebrow. “Princess Buttercup? That’s what you named your cat?”

“It’s from the Princess Bride,” Emily said.

“What’s the Princess Bride?”

“You’ve never seen the Princess Bride? What did you, live under a…” Ricky stopped himself, horrified at his open mouth insert foot moment.

Rusty flushed, as the room grew quiet. He was embarrassed to know they were all thinking about his horrible childhood of abuse and neglect, but before the moment could become even more awkward with Ricky starting to apologize, Andy interjected.

“It’s a great movie.”

“You watched the Princess Bride? And you liked it?” Rusty snickered at the idea of Andy Flynn watching a movie with that title.

“Dozens of times. It was Nic’s favorite movie. And yes, I liked it.”

“It’s still one of my favorite movies,” Nicole said.

“Don’t let the name fool you. It really is a great movie,” Ricky agreed. “It’s not just some sappy girly love story. It’s funny.”

“And full of swashbuckling adventure,” Andy added.

“Swashbuckling?” Rusty was still skeptical.

“Yeah, you know, pirate stuff, sword fights. When we get back to LA, we’ll have a movie night and watch it together. It’s one of your mother’s favorites too.”

“Not that there is anything wrong with sappy girly love stories.” Sharon ruffled Ricky’s hair as she walked past him to sit beside Andy on the couch. “And as far as pets go, let’s remember that against my better judgment, I let you get a lizard.”

Andy turned to look at her. “You had a lizard?”

“I didn’t have a lizard, Ricky did.”

“After she refused to let me get a snake.”

Sharon shivered at the memory. “No snakes in my house. We compromised on the lizard…What?” She asked at Andy’s grin.

“Nothing. I was just thinking--you’re the master negotiator at work AND at home.”

“Yes, well, that negotiation came back to bite me on the…well, rear end,” she said, keeping it clean for the little ones who were laying on the floor playing ‘Chute‘s and Ladders‘. “Ricky broke his arm playing Pop Warner football and guess who had to clean the lizard cage?”

“Terrarium,” Ricky corrected.

“Cage, terrarium, whatever you want to call it, I had to clean it.”

“Aw, Mom, you know you developed a nice little relationship with Draco.”

“If by nice little relationship you mean I stopped nearly having a nervous breakdown every time I had to pick him up, then yes, I did.”

Andy squeezed Sharon’s hand. “You have a great mom, Ricky. If I’d ever had a lizard my mother would have let it die before touching it.”

****

White wash!” Ricky raced out from behind his fort like a World War 1 soldier charging out of the trenches and chased Emily with a large pile of snow in his hand.

“Don’t you dare!” She shrieked, slipping on the ice as she tried to avoid being slammed in the face with the pile of snow. “Ricky stop, I can’t afford to hurt my foot again.”

Ricky stopped, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Oh, you’re good sis.”

“What’s a whitewash?” Scott asked, ducking his head behind the wall of snow that protected him from the snowballs whizzing overhead. Everyone had gone out to the front lawn bundled up against the cold to help the kids build a snowman, after which Ricky had suggested building forts, picking teams and having a snowball fight.

Andy grinned at the boys and bent to pick up a pile of snow before approaching Sharon with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “I’ll show you what a whitewash is.”  Seeing what he was all about she turned to make her get away but he grabbed her by the coat before she could bolt.

“Andy, Andy stop!” Her tone was far more commanding that Emily’s shriek.

“Just trying to educate the boys.”

“Andy I mean it---”While trying to twist out of his grip, they both lost their balance and fell back into a large snow bank. Andy rolled on top of her his eyebrows twitching in what he thought was a menacing manner but which only made Sharon giggle.

“I’ve got you just where I want you pretty maiden.”

“Andy.” Her voice grew low, threatening. “I swear to God if you whitewash my face there will be a certain part of your anatomy that will not be functioning properly for the rest of this vacation.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, wouldn’t I?”

“You‘d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.”

Sharon lifted her knee. “Try me.”

Andy dropped the snow and quickly rolled off her. “Okay, you win.”

“Oh for goodness sakes. She can‘t knee me in the balls.”

With that statement, Sharon felt an icy handful of snow smashed forcefully into her face. 

“Now that boys, is a whitewash.”

Gasping and sputtering, Sharon quickly rubbed the snow out of her eyes so she could see her assailant. There she stood, familiar hazel eyes dancing with mirth, her hands on her hips and a cocky smile.

Sharon rose, eyes narrowing in her best Darth Raydor glare. “Christine Mary O’Dwyer Simmons, YOU are going to pay for that.”

“Oh yeah, who’s gonna make me?”

Before Christine could even blink Sharon had hooked a foot behind her calf and pulled her feet out from beneath her so she fell into the same soft pile of snow, then treated her to her very own whitewash.

“That’s enough girls.” Colleen had come out of the house when she’d heard the car drive up and was surveying her daughters with a shake of her head. “You two sound exactly like you did when you were eight and nine years old.”

Sharon and Christine grinned at each as Sharon extended a hand to help her sister up out of the snow. “Good to see, sis.” She said.

“You too.” Christine pulled her into an exuberant hug. “Where the hell did you learn how to do that? I didn’t even see it coming.”

“You don’t mess with a cop, Chrissie.”

“Geez. I guess not.”

Andy watched the sisters with amusement. This was a completely new side of Sharon. “You must be Christine,” he said stepping forward with interest. There was no denying the two were blood. Though Christine was a little shorter than Sharon was and as he got closer he noticed that her eyes were hazel rather than Sharon’s vivid green, they shared the same porcelain and rose complexion dotted with a few whimsical freckles and the same thick auburn hair, though Christine wore hers in a shorter pixyish cut while Sharon’s fell over her shoulders in waves. If he had to classify them, he’d call Christine cute, while Sharon was beautiful. Then again, he might be a touch biased. No one, in his eyes, could hold a candle to his Sharon.

“Must be. And you must be the very dashing Andy Flynn.” After shaking his hand, Christine looked him up and down. “You’re even better looking in person.” Andy laughed at the flirtatious flutter of her eyelashes.

Sharon groaned. “For God sake Christine, do you have to say absolutely everything that pops into your head?”

“Uh, yes.” Christine was as irreverent as Sharon was circumspect.

“Are they always like this?” Andy turned to the heavyset bearded man who was also watching with amusement.

“Pretty much.”

“Hey Ed.” Sharon stepped into the big man’s embrace.

“Hey, gorgeous. I don’t know how you do it Sharon; you get more beautiful every time I see you.”

“Quit flirting with my sister.” Christine’s protest was belied by her affectionate smile.

“Just stating facts. The O’Dwyer girls are something to look at, wouldn’t you say?”

“I would,” Andy agreed.

“Andy, this is my brother in law Ed Simmons. He‘s not even Irish but he‘s got the gift of the blarney. Ed, Andy Flynn.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You too. You’re a cop right?”

“Yes, a lieutenant with the LAPD.”

“And Sharon’s your boss.”

“Yep.” Andy grinned, not at all put out by that fact. “Best boss I‘ve ever had.  

“I bet. So, what’s that like? Is it kind of sexy, being bossed around by your girlfriend? That can be a turn on.”

“Ed!”

“Actually, sometimes it is.”

“Andy!” Sharon shoved at him with her shoulder.

“What? I’m just saying…. “

Sharon cut him off, turning to the rest of the family. “Why don’t we all go in for some hot chocolate? How does that sound? “

“It sounds like you’re changing the subject.” Andy fell in step with her as everyone began heading back toward the house. “And you’re turning a pretty shade of red.”

“Must be a hot flash.”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Andy chuckled at her discomfort.

“You need to behave. “ Sharon pointed a warning finger at him, which only made Andy laugh harder.

“There you go again, getting all bossy. “ He leaned in closer so only she would hear. He didn‘t want to completely embarrass her. “It is a turn on, you know.”

“Andy Flynn you’re incorrigible.” Her reprimand was laced with amusement. This boyish, playful, slightly naughty side to Andy had always been irresistible to her.  

“Mmmhmmm. And you love me for it.”

Oh yes she did.  

***

Once inside the foyer, with coats and hats removed, there were hugs all around. Sharon was hugging her youngest niece Bridget who was in grad school and had come down from Massachusetts with her parents when she saw Christine hugging Ricky. Her sister’s eyes clouded over with pain, but it was only for an instant and anyone who didn’t know her as well as Sharon might have missed it. By the time she had pulled back, to look up at her nephew Christine was grinning and teasing him about his scruff.

“Hard to believe this tall young man came from your body, isn’t it?” she said to Sharon.

Sharon turned wistful. “It is. I can still remember so clearly how easily he fit in the crook of my arm.”

The sad look touched Christine’s face again compelling Sharon to take her hand, squeezing it gently. Their eyes met, acknowledging that pain without a word.

TBC

[sans-mots]

captain america civil war is on netflix, my tummy hurts and it’s my day off so time to watch it for the first time since I saw it in theatres (I hated it that much tbh, still have only seen age of ultron once)

time to see it again

i like how they custom made a fancy red leather star notebook for the winter soldier’s operational codes

two white ladies wearing shades/baseball cap and drinking coffee not ten feet from each other and talking into thin air?? it would have been much more normal to have them be in a conversation, like expat friends meeting up for coffee, then they’d be noticeable but not weird. geez

steve just stole a dudes gas mask that’s hardcore as all hell. aint give a shit rogers

Nat’s stupid fckin flowy hair she would for real just have a pixie cut, or even her short bob from the first avengers if she actually fought like that all the time. wanda’s makes sense because she’s a long range combatant 

ok i get that rumlow’s mad at cap but wouldn’t his real beef be with sam because sam was the one who literally let a building drop on him

sam is literally the only normal acting person with his little drone I love him

i’m really glad that they actually showed human casualities as important and not just being like oops we blew up some random people who don’t matter like in every other action film

ah yes here’s where it turns into another avengers/iron man film and suddenly tony is the main character ( i love u but go back to your own franchise pls)

tony you do realize just because someone goes to mit that doesnt mean you should fund their project (weapons testing is a thing hmmmm)

alfre woodard being in marvel tv+movies a+++

steve looking beautiful and feeling guilty. wanda too. 

uh why is vision dressed like an accountant

rhodey! but also the close up being on him for new york is ambiguous-sad that ppl died or reminded tony almost died?

god zemo. this plot was so fckin convoluted and stupid. 

th fckin sharon carter speech that didnt make any sense to say at a funeral but only served to further plot

nat+steve hugging a+++

sharon and steve are so awkward there is zero chemistry. and what a waste in an overly packed film. like honestly if they had screentested someone who really had chemistry with him it would at least be worth it

sam and steve’s matching baseball caps and aviators. zero percent subtlety

“I don’t do that anymore.” so defeated oh godddddddddddddddd

“it always ends in a fight” fckin hell

bucky using steve’s shield when its still on his arm a++

tchalla’s claws tho. also i wonder if german special forces would be firing on him if they knew he was the king of wakanda lol

TIME FOR THE MOTORCYCLE FLIP

so turned on by the motorcycle flip. just as good as I thought it would be

rhodey “Congratulations, cap, you’re a criminal” 

“dude shows up dressed like a cat you don’t want to know more?” yess sam

IT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE THAT NAT IS ON THE ACCORDS SIDE AND SO SMUG ABOUT IT “technically [the shield] is the government’s property” fuck that writing

“my name is bucky” <3

zemo’s plan is still way too fckin intricate

tony you literally need a suit to fight don’t fckin try to go toe to toe with the winter soldier

the looooove helicopter (lens flare, biceps)

whats with them and falling into bodies of water.

lets use 12 mins of a captain america movie to introduce spiderman... ughhhhh 

how did tony already have a suit for peter parker without knowing the specifications of his powers?

CLIIIINNNT thank you. 

the “move or you will be moved” lady yesssss

ughhhh more sharon and the kiss. WHY YOU KISSIN PEGGY’S NIECE RIGHT AFTER SHE DIE YOU NASTY

that car is not low profile, it’s old.

ummm isn’t antman a convicted felon? isn’t he supposed to like not leave the country?

ughhh nat would so be on steve’s side i hate this arbitrary assignment of her to the accords side

“barnes is mine” tchalla that’s steve’s line

“I don’t know if you’ve been in a fight before but there’s not usually this much talking” I love you sam wilson

ew vision on his fckin high horse again.

“Arrow guy” “tic tac”

ew the fcking new york talk murder me 

YOU ARE PLAYING HOPEFUL MUSIC WHEN IRON MAN’S TEAM IS WINNING AGAINST CAP’S IN HIS OWN MOVIE AND SAD WHEN CAP WINS??? LIKE I KNOW IT’S ALL MORALLY AMBIGUOUS BUT JESUS this is supposed to be CAPTAIN AMERICA: civil war (just like, a reminder, the avengers is supposed to be about all the avengers, not jsut tony)

also t’challa’s kind of an asshole to clint like damn if you wanna be friends with nat you gotta be friends with clint 

OOOO I forgot about nat letting them get to the quinjet

also why does peter parker not know star wars??? isn’t he a loser who goes to science high school???

okay and the whole rhodey thing??? vision was literally going to drop sam out of the sky which could have also potentially killed him--rhodey just got hit instead. you can be upset about it but it’s literally not sam’s fault for NOT WANTING TO GET BLOWN OUT OF THE SKY. in fact vision should have been the one apologizing but his amygdala is synthetic so waaha wawhaa

literally the only conversation steve and bucky have is in the quinjet for five seconds and they had 12mins of spiderman backstory??? smh

honestly this movie is such a mess. zemo’s plot, the whole winter soldier(s). this should have been an avengers movie(it basically is with a cap subplot) because literally NO ONE’s motivations are clear which makes it way too hard to empathize with either side. 

i wonder if you calculated all the minutes of different people’s screentime what it would be

smh i can’t believe tony fans think it’s reasonable to get mad about steve fans acting pissy about civil war when steve was basically demoted to second lead in his own film. obvs there are some unreasonable steve/bucky peeps out there but the amount of whining tony fans do is kind of ridiculous when tony has literally such an intricately written emotional arc and steve and bucky both have diddly, as I have said before IN THEIR OWN FILM. (bucky is going to be cap one day might i remind y’all)

eww yes dolores. because all steve/bucky stories must be about bucky being a ladies man. not like he had any other defining character traits, that would be like... decent writing.

ah yes the intricate unfolding of zemo’s storyline ughh spare me. 

lol those are the best security cameras ever for roadside 1991

literally zemo just told you “empires that fall from within never rise again” and you think the best decision is to give into his eeeeeevil plan? be mad, don’t be stupid

like tonys known for being a hothead but all this manpain is so gratuitous.

“he killed my mom” tony your weapons have killed hundreds of thousands of innocents and you weren’t brainwashed when you made them. if you hadn’t had multiple chances to repent, where would you be?

“my father made that shield” yeah for steve. it wasn’t a conditional fckin offer

rhodey is literally the best person. Tony Stank

i still can’t believe the fckin straightjacketed and collared wanda it makes me so mad

good thing the end credits are of shadows and rubble cuz THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS

oh right I TOTALLY FORGOT bucky’s fate is relegated to a end credits scene ebcaues he’s not goddamn important enough it seems

the white outfit tho

“let them try” thank you tchalla for being the only person who listens to reason and actually has defined principles

i really don’t hate tony he literally dominates every film he’s in so this shoudl have been an avengers or iron man film to write such an intense storyline for him. 

they literally don’t let cap emote at all. like if you look at clips of the film its just blue steel all the way--he never gets a chance to break down and be upset. not like tony does.

tony fans need to imagine if steve came into an im4 film and just became the sole focus of the film, how they would feel that their fave character’s film was usurped. 

anyways---in conclusion i still hate this movie. unlike the first two cap movies I can’t separate my critical aspect from it enough to love or even like the film. alas. 

[bittersweet-clifford]

I hate my physics teacher but he says some weird shit. here are his best quotes.

“and she looked like a dweeb but it doesn't matter because she's hot.” “imagine this punk-ass kid...” “ro-day-oh” “*screaming* YEEHAAAAW” “my wife went to a loser school.” “oh. that's where that obama guy went.” “I was president of all these things. okay. you're a loser.” “it’s got a cockroach crawling out of somebody's anus.” “you're a thief and you're a violent offender. go to texas.” “God did not have an eleventh commandment that said a 90% is an A.” “they had another brother. i forget what his name was but he was just there.” “our family is so devoid of talent that when we did the senior musical they told my brother, ‘you move your mouth but nothing comes out.’” “I’m not big on IQ.” “3 times 64. that's...........a lot.” “I think i can. i think i can. oh that was a great book.” “I AM AN ISLAND.” “he was one of those geeks who’d come into my room during lunch.” “Kids will do anything for food.” “Beethoven didn't have good social skills.” “pair-a-bowl-uh.” “g-e-o-meat-tree” “re-nay-sance” “you didn't have velocitom- speedometers.” “and dedicated to the proposition that all men-not women- are created equal.” “newton sat back and said, ‘damn, i took algebra 2.’” “they invented something. it was bitching.” “your little cell phone has an accelerometer on it.” “you get in your damned car right now. you have friggin GPS.” “what is a graph? you guys have no effing clue.” “screw it. this is america, man.” “they got these cheesy ass little- hey...” “and he marries his mom because she's a hottie.” “i'm going ‘no sweat.’ she's goin ‘YEAH SWEAT.’” “they send him off to some hills to die and some idiot saves him.” “trig-no-me-tree.” “if the plane crashes, whatever. little things.” “der-i’ve-a-tive.” “someone help her out. *people give answers* well don't listen to idiots.” “the magnitude of my ineptness.” “he invented something. it was a terrible thing-he invented the essay.” “i threw that at you to see how you interpilate.” “we’re talking so small your kitchen is in your bedroom. as long as you have 16 million dollars, you can have the friend's apartment.” “FROGS ARE NOT AERODYNAMIC.” “you're a genie-ass.” “what says ‘i love you’ more than eating the one you love?” “their bodies will be goop. and this is metaphorical and beautiful. how much closer can you be when you're stirred together?” “the book didn't have a female character because he's a male-dog-anystic pig.” “speaking of time….OOH BABY.” “you had telephones *aggressively slams hand on the wall* MOUNTED ON THE FRIGGIN WALL.” “and some kid goes, ‘yooo my daddy’s rich!’” “it looks like a badminton racket on steroids.” “it was by the skin on her chinny chin chin.” “we’re going to use the weight of history to raise our ramp.” “she was rich. and hot. and i was a dweeb.” “i can't draw a corvette.” “sucker’s gonna exaggerate….ah...accelerate.” “some bum wit says, ‘let’s put tin cans on the back of their car.’” “someone comes up with a big ‘ol truck because this is tennessee.” “you're gonna be wheel meat.” “move aside, pesticide.” “you put this if you wanna be cool.” “anyways, these guys go, ‘bitchin!’” *walks like a crab* “Shula? God?” “tow truck drivers come in two flavors.” “they brought a scale and a hard hat, and they were wearing pajamas. i don't know. this is [school].” “cas goes, ‘see joe? we’ll leave him as a hostage.’” “my brother by accident got accepted to a school in new hampshire.” “this is amazing. I’m shaking God’s hand.” “you know the way buildings work.” “people got upset because it was killing fish, so they decided to kill people instead.” “we’ll call him Joe Jerk because that's kind of what he was.” “i don't believe in slavery.” “energy is like pornography, you might not be able to define it, but most everyone recognizes it when they see it.” “she goes, 'mr [teacher], let’s do it.’ and i go ‘i’m married.’ and she goes, ‘NO, THE BOOK.” “I’m looking for pews. if anyone knows a church...I want catholic pews. they're the best.” “*draws a scribble* let's pretend this is art. ART.” “every once in awhile you run into one that's just so bitchin’ ass cool.” “there's not even a verb there. and this guy went to stanford.” “the right thing? or communists?” “oh, it was so bitchin!” “she looks like a chicken. and i'm like ‘This isn't cosplay.’” “there's spanish and then there's hippies.” “she was old. she must have been like 35.” “Ms. [other teacher] could have played the wicked witch in the wizard of oz.” “if i looked out far enough, i'd probably see a t rex out there.” “he's tighter than a mole’s bum.” “if i speak louder, they'll understand better.” “I. GEORGE.” “i love my mom and she loves me. like a rock.” “you can do it baby” (said three times to an inanimate object in one day.” “1+1 and 1x1 are the same answer.” “i'm using two seconds. if you're a loser, you can use one.” “a football field is like one and a half acres.” “what does that look like for a complete clover look?” “it was a gimungous space bagel.” “because on the black market, your torso can be used.” “he's not donald trump. he is todd. but he's todd-did-well.” “back then, they had a thing called grass.” “what was romeo and juliet in new york called?” “there's many ways to skin a cat.” “thou shall not have a disturbance at the front desk.” “live for your GPA. worship it.” “and then antarctica, where i'm going to send you if you laugh.” “you're in space just hanging out and the earth just hits you!” “if you did google translate from math-ish to english…” “if i happened to be in space and the moon were plowing around, would it hurt?” “russia, i can see it from my winda.” “where’d korea go?” “their last name was broccoli. the stupidest name in the world.” “i'm gonna be the only child i should have been.” “i'm not going to go into gender classification for doorknobs.” “how the hell do you get a lamborghini? that's like, really expensive.” “i liked mary-anne. she was not. and then there was that one actress i hated.” “real, 100% plastic plants.” “do not write this. ‘mister [teacher] thinks he shouldn't be afraid of bombs.’” “you comedysportz kids will get this. *tells story about astronauts.*” “*jumps excitedly* THIS IS SO BITCHIN!!” “bouncy bounce-that's my terminology.” “how did the pound sign get to be called hashtag?” “and you go, ‘what does this have to do with the price of beans?’ and it doesn't have anything to do with beans, but it has something to do with this story.” “Physics is racist.” “This perverted cat...” “You put the lime in the....oh no, that’s the wrong song.” “You know it’s a trumpet. Why? Because it’s got a flag hanging from it.” “WE’RE GONNA GO TO THE YMCA.” “She was very, well...very.” “You don’t have to be able to sing because they've got autocorrect.” “Nothing says ‘i love you’ like cutlery.” “I’ve been lifting weights for six years now and i’m half an inch shorter.” “I don’t have a neck. My muscles are too big.” “Dude, i think i can explain the universe with my saxophone.” “I love you a lot, but today, fuck you.” “The most religious people i've ever met are atheists.” “They got eyes on the top of their head because they’re weird people.” “Do you actually have to USE the fancy ass mathematics?” “It’s winter. Y’all can’t see shit.” “Your brain bone...what’s it called? SKULL!” “The definition of a cold is not snot!” “The first time you do heroine is the best. I don’t know. I’ve just happened to have met a lot of heroine addicts.” “I was making molten lead in the backyard.” “You know what dead people look like?” “Those of you who are pigmentally challenged.” “For a thousand effing bucks, i’ll wash their ass.” “So you invent liquid butter.” “You know what? We’re gonna kill china.” “The earth has gravity and it reaches out with these octopus tentacles.” “I want to meet Julius Caesar, but then I realized that was stupid.” "i know the moon's not a rabbit." "i never realized you could make a bridge explode." "i built a bridge that was the most bitchin ass coolest bridge i'd ever seen." "you know he's smart because he thought so much his hair all fell out." "nowadays we live in wussville" "[his name], you're going to hell." "maybe you've got a friend who's a drug dealer. they've got good scales." "i'm gonna make a flying buttress of a bridge." "spock wasn't people of color. he was green." "i hate bridges. me no do." "we have extendo-thing-o" "some of you have siblings who shoot up, so if you can get a needle, that helps." "it was the beginning of a life long love affair with this bridge." "if you're gonna trip out, don't do it in a tree." "you're not smarter. you're farter." "let's sit back and play the ukulele in a tree." "we'd go down to the bang bumpity bump." "*singing* i am so blue. i have. no clue. what shall we do? perhaps something new?" "the first picture is a fun. i know those of you who are anti gun are all upset but just deal with it a second." *spends ten minutes drawing a picture* *throws meter stick across classroom* "that's why we don't have glass on that cabinet anymore." "usually they don't offer loaded shotguns to six-year-olds." "you is fitty." "you know he's going fast. you know why? those lines are really long." "it's safer to fire guns in space." "at age six what the hell do you know about physics?" "do you feel physics?" "i have a brain ON my head." "you should not be looking up. you die." "there's a lot of possibilities. one is incorrect and the others are interesting." "all the kids were called mr. [his name]." "you eat, you piss." *talking about childbirth* "this is just like tug of war." "we went to this terrible store. it's called marshall's." "you still got beat up by some other group of kids. why? BECAUSE YOU'RE A DWEEB!" "Mom, i'm all fucked up. you should have made me play piano more." "let's pretend it's not true. it'll make me seem better. there was this dweeb..." "my fist is really upset with you." "how dare you? this is America. i can do whatever i want." "you know that's the problem? you're a selfish bastard" "life's good. the swedes win." "you can't, but if you happen to be a nerd at caltech, you can." "computers are very good at doing arithmetic." "we have a couple cross country losers here." *squats* "this is the answer to everything." "sue God." "it's all about having a 4.5 gpa and taking ap yoga." "winston churchill- who i love very dearly." "anyone who believes in seat belts is a wuss." "ever wonder why these old cars had gimungous trunks? it wasn't so you could put thirteen bodies in it and drive off." "i'm not trying to sound like an advertisement for swedish brains." "there are people like mr [name] out there. that guy's effing crazy." "the swedes. oh bless them." "i see this car coming straight at me at 70 miles an hour and i'm thinking 'what a nice car...'" "some religions are built on like gods and stuff. Thor..." "i can explain the whole world. i need calculus. i have to invent that first, but i can figure out the whole world." "we couldn't hit ships with beans with these things." "don't major in communications." "she's like a piranha." "why do you go to costco? ya loser." "i have a friend. he's a doctor. he's not stupid." "cool guys can spin the wheel with one hand.... i was told." "you're thinking, 'dude, physics.'" "youre sitting next to someone who's radiating gorgeous and you're like 'i'm radiating ugly.'" "why do you shop at wal-effing-mart?" "the way that God and Newton meant things to be." "that sounds stupid, but guys have never been good at deep thoughts." "you guys. better run fast because i'm gonna beat the bleep out of you." "oil companies are the modern day pirates." "they had discovered cocaine but it hadn't come to San Marino yet." "wow. you're a mr. negativity." “they put a godzilla level of give in there.” “with the exception of harvard, most colleges have an ethical standard.” *measures paper in megabytes* “sometimes my language is a bit salty.” “i apologize for biting your head off.” “there's just an achilles' tendon” “just taking cliff’s notes doesn't mean you know diddly shit about romeo and juliet.” “objects jump off of sharp pointy things.” “you could free range roam as far as you could range.”