#arguably some of the stuff with shandy and jack

[narniangirl1994]

While I think the 'thank you' and 'fuck you' speech Ted gave his mom worked in the context of their relationship - seeing as he was thanking her for the loving and supporting things she did over the years while expressing his hurt over the other ways in which she hurt him, I do NOT think it worked in the context of Jamie and his dad.

Jamie saying he'd want to say both fuck you and thank you to his own dad - likely because he believes his dad's abuse is what gave him the drive to succeed in football - might make sense for his character to feel, but should not have been backed up by the narrative like it was.

Between Ted's line last season about successful people often having dads who were hard on them and the bits in this episode of Jamie forgiving and reaching out to his dad, the narrative genuinely seems to be saying the abuse Jamie experienced helped make him the athlete he is today.

And that interpretation really bothers me. Especially because you see it in other shows and real life.

Just like the line "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," a lot of people seem to think hardship and abuse makes people stronger/more motivated. But in reality, abuse tends to hinder people on their life journey - not the other way around - by making them more scared/anxious, doubtful, sad, blinded by anger, isolated, etc.

Take it from someone with perfectionism that stems in part from my own childhood experiences and anxiety, I think that has caused me more issues than it has helped me over the years. Even though I've always been decently 'successful' at certain things (ie: school, work), I really wonder if I could have actually accomplished more - or at least accomplished the same things without the extra struggles/stress - if I wasn't constantly worried about having to be perfect.

Jamie being a prick to his teammates (because he felt like he needed to be tough to get his dad off his back) was even shown to be detrimental to his team's success and his individual success as a player. And Jamie's fear over his father's presence and criticism both at Wembley and at the Manchester City stadiums were shown to make him more distracted and prone to errors.

It was once Jamie started working with his teammates, accepting guidance from others, and receiving their unconditional support, that he grew and improved as a player. Hence why this was the first year he made the national team. He's got plenty of talent and it's quite possible he would have had the drive, just from something else, if his dad didn't abuse him. I could easily see a desire to play alongside his hero (Roy) or make his hometown proud serving as helpful motivators for him growing up.

But even if Jamie WAS a worse player or never got this far without his dad's abuse motivating him...who cares? You can't tell me he wouldn't have been a much happier, healthier person without that abuse in his life. So the idea so many narratives and real life people push that there is a silver lining to abuse or that abuse is solely responsible for someone's success is a harmful one that seems to imply abuse is worth it in a way or that abuse victims should be grateful for the good that came out of it.

It's one thing to want to thank a complicated parent for the good that they did bring to your life even if they also brought some bad. But it's an entirely separate thing to thank a complicated parent specifically for the objectively terrible things they did to you, just because it may or may not (most likely did not) have the side effect of making you more successful.

I really wish writers would put a little more thought into narratives that would seem to support this idea. It just really takes away from so many other positive - or frankly more realistic - messages they could go with instead.