#im not trying to tell people who experienced abuse that they cant feel this about their own abuser

[narniangirl1994]

While I think the 'thank you' and 'fuck you' speech Ted gave his mom worked in the context of their relationship - seeing as he was thanking her for the loving and supporting things she did over the years while expressing his hurt over the other ways in which she hurt him, I do NOT think it worked in the context of Jamie and his dad.

Jamie saying he'd want to say both fuck you and thank you to his own dad - likely because he believes his dad's abuse is what gave him the drive to succeed in football - might make sense for his character to feel, but should not have been backed up by the narrative like it was.

Between Ted's line last season about successful people often having dads who were hard on them and the bits in this episode of Jamie forgiving and reaching out to his dad, the narrative genuinely seems to be saying the abuse Jamie experienced helped make him the athlete he is today.

And that interpretation really bothers me. Especially because you see it in other shows and real life.

Just like the line "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," a lot of people seem to think hardship and abuse makes people stronger/more motivated. But in reality, abuse tends to hinder people on their life journey - not the other way around - by making them more scared/anxious, doubtful, sad, blinded by anger, isolated, etc.

Take it from someone with perfectionism that stems in part from my own childhood experiences and anxiety, I think that has caused me more issues than it has helped me over the years. Even though I've always been decently 'successful' at certain things (ie: school, work), I really wonder if I could have actually accomplished more - or at least accomplished the same things without the extra struggles/stress - if I wasn't constantly worried about having to be perfect.

Jamie being a prick to his teammates (because he felt like he needed to be tough to get his dad off his back) was even shown to be detrimental to his team's success and his individual success as a player. And Jamie's fear over his father's presence and criticism both at Wembley and at the Manchester City stadiums were shown to make him more distracted and prone to errors.

It was once Jamie started working with his teammates, accepting guidance from others, and receiving their unconditional support, that he grew and improved as a player. Hence why this was the first year he made the national team. He's got plenty of talent and it's quite possible he would have had the drive, just from something else, if his dad didn't abuse him. I could easily see a desire to play alongside his hero (Roy) or make his hometown proud serving as helpful motivators for him growing up.

But even if Jamie WAS a worse player or never got this far without his dad's abuse motivating him...who cares? You can't tell me he wouldn't have been a much happier, healthier person without that abuse in his life. So the idea so many narratives and real life people push that there is a silver lining to abuse or that abuse is solely responsible for someone's success is a harmful one that seems to imply abuse is worth it in a way or that abuse victims should be grateful for the good that came out of it.

It's one thing to want to thank a complicated parent for the good that they did bring to your life even if they also brought some bad. But it's an entirely separate thing to thank a complicated parent specifically for the objectively terrible things they did to you, just because it may or may not (most likely did not) have the side effect of making you more successful.

I really wish writers would put a little more thought into narratives that would seem to support this idea. It just really takes away from so many other positive - or frankly more realistic - messages they could go with instead.

[br1ghtestlight]

its weird that my general Living Situation with my mom made me very sick.... like obviously the black mold and lack of food etc but also just on a basic trauma/physical inactivity level that it was so painful to walk or do physical activity for the first six months after i moved out (and while living there obvs) bcuz my body wasnt being used and was functioning on the lowest possible level i was experiencing like muscle atrophy and losing my physical abilities

which i always feel shameful telling ppl bcuz it sounds like my fault for not doing enough physical activity or not eating healthy but like..... OBVIOUSLY it was more than just laziness bcuz nobody normal experiences the level of pain and fatigue that i did (and still do) like i couldnt leave the house anyway. mental torment. NO food or anything yet alone anything healthy and nutritious. the impact physical trauma has on the body is soo weird

anyway j was in a lot of pain and couldnt be physically active (which was also true before i was a teenager bcuz i was just a weak/sickly kid and naturally skinny along w/ malnutrition, was definitely more physically active when i went to school and did gym) as in like. i couldnt walk more than a block down the street without being out of breath and being in serious pain. Bcuz my body wasnt used to that level of activity anymore bcuz i couldnt leave the house usually

it was kind of pathetic but going outside more helped. im never gonna be the level of physically active/healthy that people who like go to the gym are bcuz im Just not doing all that sorry

but the mental exhaustion is still there bcuz i used to be able to do stuff EVERYDAY like go to school and sometimes even stuff after school. going out with friends. every single day and even on weekends!!! now i cant even imagine being able to leave the house more than a few times a week and its exhausting physically and emotionally, its genuinely traumatizing trying to build up the mental stamina that i had before when i was a kid. my brain is just so used to doing nothing and being alone all the time every single day that doing even One thing or going outside is complete sensory overload. not in a literal way but its just like..... there's so much?? i spent many months without ever going outside. i dont want to go back to that logically but also i kind of do?

the effects of long term abuse and isolation is weird u just want to go back to when it was easier even though it made you miserable. Bcuz that's easier than even trying to figure out how to do life again especially with nobody to help you! i want to read more books about this!!!

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[torirocksonhere]

walk-in review; An Cailín Ciúin | part one

DISCLAMER: i work in a large retail cinema here in ireland. part of my work is doing temperature checks inside of the screens, and whenever im assigned to that duty on my shift, i do just that every half hour (while sneaking in a minute or two of watching the movie). the first part of these reviews comes from whatever i happen to see when i walk into the screen every half hour.

i dont get to see a whole lot, thus this first review comes purely from ~5 minutes of watchtime in random intervals of the movie, and talking to people before and especially after the movie. as you can imagine, it isn't really comprehensive

however i dont watch trailers for movies, even ones that i already want to see, mostly because all of them edit together the best bits of the movie, leaving me disappointed at the shortcomings that they hid behind the big moments. so i count this first review as a sort of "trial-by-fire trailer" for said movie. essentially; "can a couple minutes of watchtime and word-of-mouth alone convince me to watch a movie?"

first i want to preface this with the best thing to come from this movie; the people who come to see it. to put it simply, most of them are quite old, and they are so adorably sweet it makes me so happy ! they always have something nice to say, they never spend too much, and theyre so chatty and lovely and i love old people and WILL DIE FOR THEM.

anyways, the actual movie.

An Cailín Ciúin, from what i can tell, is a movie about all the joys of growing up in rural ireland in ~early 1960s. including, but most certainly not limited to;

abusive and compliant parents

abhorrently obvious middle child syndrome

extensive breaks to your grandparents

cars driving on what can barely be considered as roads

in all seriousness though, this movie has everything to do with observation. (An Cailín Ciúin is irish gaelic for "the quiet girl" and oh boy is our main girl siobhan quiet ! ) our story follows siobhan, a young girl growing up in ireland. if im getting this right, then her parents had a child, needed a break away from minding all the kids at home so they could focus on just one, and in a standard Irish parenting move, sent one away to live with relatives for a while. siobhan is initially scared by the prospect, considering how shy she is, and how scared she is being in a completely new place (autistic coded characters??? in MY irish indie film?????), but she does agree to go, i believe in large part to her abusive father. really standard bad dad. y'know the type. "arent i allowed to have a drink after a long days work?" type beat. it helps the negative connotations that he's the only one who cant speak irish out of everyone in the house.

as an aside; i do believe the father is an allegory for ireland and the irish still feeling the effects of british rule, a time of history that has irreversibly destroyed our culture; a culture that this movie attempts to keep alive, and which it does beautifully. talking to the people who've seen it right after, they said how they felt taken back to a time that was much simpler, a time that was in many ways much better than present time. it's such a shame this movie is being written off by the larger public as "old people movie for old people only no younguns allowed", when in reality this film is trying to show everything that we as the Irish are best at, and where we as a culture shine, and how that's very very quickly being completely eroded to make way for the English way of life. if anything, this movie needs to be shown to the younger generations. it needs to be shown to people that have never experienced the feelings of community that came with being irish, and the incredibly beautiful language that gaeilge is. this movie is the perfect time capsule of Irish culture.

i frankly never got to see a lot of the middle of the movie, there was a plot of siobhan going to a funeral for the first time, and her struggling at school? but the middle of the movie is something i unfortunately have not caught a lot of, and understood less of.

the end of the movie is absolutely heart wrenching, even to me as someone who hasn't watched the entire thing start to finish. essentially, siobhan goes home, her trip is over. her, her siblings, her mother, and her grandparents are all in her house, talking and waiting for her father to get home. when they hear his car pull up, siobhan's mother gets very spooked, with a very worried look on her face. (look if it wasnt obvious at the start that the dad is abusive it really should be now). her grandad tries to reason with her mother, asking her to seek help, which of course the mother refuses. after all, it could take away her children, it could make him angry, it could do all host of things she doesn't want. its easier to just be complacent and suffer. one thing leads to another, and siobhan's grandparents leave. she, along with her mother and father, watch them leave. as soon as father is satisfied, he just heads back in, but mother talks to siobhan, asking her what happened while she was away. they share a stare with each other. mother's filled with dread and despair, and siobhan's with desire. then, siobhan runs down the road, attempting to catch up to her grandparents.

this... hurt to watch. how much she clearly loved and enjoyed life with her grandparents, and how much she hates life at her house, how she just wishes she could stay with them forever. however, as she embraces her grandfather, she sees him. father. she just repeats that, over and over. father. father. father. father. and then the movie ends. the pain in my heart from watching that ending was... unparalleled. it knew exactly how to tug at my heartstrings and did it so well and i hate it for that !!!! (i love it for that)

now that the stuff about the story is over, i wanna talk about close second for the best part of the movie; cinematography!!! and oh my GOD THE CINEMATOGRAPHY

first, most of the movie is shot lower than typical, which is done for two main reasons; to reflect both siobhan's physical and emotional height. obviously because she's a child, she sees the world shorter than most of us, but she's also really, really timid, and shooting low shots further strengthens that feeling of anxiousness that comes from a child, especially a child as quiet as siobhan.

second, the film is in 4:3, which i think is used as a passive reminder to the audience that the film is set in an earlier time frame, since most CRT televisions of the time period were in 4:3.

third, film grain. it isn't present in every shot, but the shots it is present in provide this super lovely and cutesy vintage feel to the movie, which just adds to how much i love the art direction of this film

fourth, focus. focus is barely used in this film, and when it is, it's usually in a shot that siobhan isn't the focus of, which i believe is used to remind us that siobhan is just a child, and children take in a lot more information than us. plus, it adds to one of this movie's greatest strengths; discover, don't show.

...and to be honest, thats all i have about the movie. essentially a girl just wanting to get away, but being scared to. i really like this movie, how it looks and how it sounds and how it feels. it makes me proud of being irish, it makes me want to preserve Irish culture. i love it and i will go and see it. i will either update this post or make a new post when i go to see it, to see if anything about my review changes, what i got right and wrong, and any more tidbits i have to add

(ignore the poll i can't get rid of it im sorry)

[audible--silence]

Heard abroad…

Whatever the question, the market is the answer

“Too many white people not enough markets”

“I mean i still didn’t understand any of it but i understood it was nice”

Pedophile and a dead aunt. You love to see it!

I exist to do the dumb thing and subsequently encourage everyone else to also do the dumb thing

“At least it isn’t Kevin”

“Home is the place where you keep ending up and you don’t really know why”

“Home is where you keep going back to your abuser”

Death is good business but without the repeat customers

As long as you have enough to buy linch on your first day, you have enough to figure it out

“Fucking cyrus man…” on cocktails and cacao ceremonies

It feels like im looking at the relic of a golden age that doesn’t know its past its best before date

Lots of people breeds competition in both capitalism and creativity. Capitalism also breeds racism.

Nobody gives one fuck about you here which is both amazing and kinda isolating

Its like if every city ive ever been to merged into one and did a bunch of drugs

I have fewer ideas but i have a lot of resolution so when i want one to work i just throw everything at it till it does

luck favors those who need it/rely on it in good faith

I was busy being sad and shit so I wasn’t in the mood for a heart attack

How lucky we are, to know that as long as we have charge on our phone or an internet connection, we’ll never go without

Going nowhere the long way

“Fuck you”

“What?”

“I was talking to the aircon”

Calories dont work on Mondays

Chicken is made by man, duck is made by god

Thats why i pay the rent

The only case there is is a quesadilla

It’s strangely captivating.

A city of nine million perfect strangers and nine million deranged fucking maniacs.

Everyone fits in. Because theres no such thing as “too different” out here.

Milk that mfer for every lil drop of lactation in it’s scary asymmetrical titty

Everybody be skipping to the calm down phase of life without ever experiencing the youthful fuckaround stage

The lifeline on my hand seems to doing fine.

The other two, I cant quite remember what they’re supposed to mean. Something about happiness or love.

They’re looking a little worse for wear lately.

“Look Ill extend him an olive branch but only so i can whack him over the head with it”

“After all, the universe continues to surprise, bewilder, and enchant, irrespective of our inquiries. As the tale concludes, may it inspire a subtle nod toward the dance of untamed contemplations—a dance best performed with an enigmatic grin.”

Thinking is for Jerry's (2023) - Professor Longwang

I feel glad to have an end date but miserable to end it

Scared of old reality but excited to confirm or deny it

Confused about my choices here and whether my feelings were made from genuine feelings

“How was the quality of your call?” Asks the messenger app.

To which I cannot reply.

Because to reply honestly would not do justice to the quality of the app, and instead be a comment on my experience of it.

The feeling in my gut when she said she met someone.

The thoughts back to all the times where I wanted to tell you i was yours.

All at once.

With a vengeance

Stabbing in the chest

What am i doing here

Accidentally drunk off a Manhattan i didnt want and a quarter pint of Guinness

In New York

In the rain

Trying desperately to find a job

In a field im hardly good at

It seems to me that it boils down.

When you look at the root of it all

What do you want

What do i want

How you utilize the two to make a life that brings you joy

Kill me, im french

Traveling is honestly comparable to hard drugs at this point: intense, euphoric, lands you in sketchy circumstances and often leads to living in very questionable scenarios. It also has a tendency to leave you broke as fuck and wondering where the last six months went

It do be a lil comedic,

A city of 12 million mother fuckers buzzing around packed in like a hive, and I’ve hardly made a friend.

[throwing-up-my-heart]

I guess what really started all of this is the fact that I wasn't meant to be here in the first place my very existence is an accident and it makes me feel as if though I will never be enough preemptively.

They pre-ordered a child who does not feel like they should exist and they get mad whenever I tell them I do not want to be here simply because they are my parents and they see that they're entitled to be in charge of my emotions because I'm not old enough to handle them.

I'm not old enough to handle my own emotions yet I am apparently old enough to take my place in their footsteps and work a job at 15.

I feel like I am being forced out of my own home I feel like a loner, I feel like an unwanted presence in my own house, I am not yet an adult and I don't want to be. I was raised to grow up quickly grow up fast, I am the burnout child,

I was smart... I used to be smart. My brain overdeveloped too quickly so that way once I started getting more of my own pace nothing interested me anymore.

Nothing but the books that filled my incessant fantasies and filled the void in which I felt the nothingness or the appreciation of my parents was supposed to lay.

At the age of 10, I experienced what it was like to have to take care of myself and its entirety. At the age of 10, My brain felt like it was already caving in.

I couldn't help but feel alone even when I was at home.

It only felt like a cell deep inside of an endless empty shell, I could hear the ocean call to me I was so close to freedom I could smell it.

"Don't you worry, well always be there" These words did nothing, they just filled the empty ever rotting air with lies and deceit, expecting me to continuously weep but I didn't?

I couldn't.

I couldn't cry when I knew other people die every day for problems that I knew I only thought I had.

It's all in my head.

It's ALL in my Head... IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.

That's it.

Then I was 12. My first best friend was mentally abusive and so was my boyfriend, they set the standards for how I should be loved.

This is what I deserved... Body, "I love your body." "Take it off for me baby"

"You're so pretty"

Off...please get OFF

My best friend's brother couldn't keep his hands off.

This is what im meant for.

Pretty, Only to please.

Ok.

13.

I have 3 friends, is this where it ends?

They all want to end it...

Should I?

Should I cry?

Or..should I man up and try...

Wait

WAIT

No

My family would cry...

Or would they...

I wrote my first suicide note at 10, I could do it again.

Would, they miss me?

"You look upset"

I cant cut

They'd see...

Scratch

SCRATCH

A staple will work

"Why do you make everyone's life so DIFFICULT?"

Ouch.

9 mental breakdowns later.

Life is good. Right here. Stay here. I am good. Right here. Friends. Grades. School. Yes. yes. yes.

NO

Weeks...2 weeks...years..2 YEARS

Grades? Im failing? Friends? Im flailing, im drowning, please help I can only swim down...

Mom...mom doesnt love dad

She doesnt love me

What about family??

WOrk?

WORK?

Please im only 15...

I dont wanna grow up...help..please...I hurt...

Daddy cant leave..only source of money

...mommy won't care..she'll find another man somewhere...

My mind is racing with endless hunger pains..I cant feel...im sick of feeling.

Happy,

Why cant

I

Just..be

Happy.

[tigerdrop]

Your statement hit me, and now I have a question. I rarely draw for fun, but I want fame, and to put the thoughts in my mind into a medium.

What do I do

you gotta focus on that last thing as your primary motivator or else it will drive you insane. i know this is literally the same thing i said in that post but i am speaking from experience here, both my own and others, and i am not saying that people who do art for attention or fame are bad or somehow less legitimate than people who do art purely for their own enjoyment

like look man. i also desperately wanted to be noticed and to get acclaim for my work. when i was a kid i wanted so badly to be a famous actor it was embarrassing. i wrote fan screenplays for fucking glee in which i was the new main character and i would act them out on my own and fantasize about being up on stage, on tv, and finally being liked and admired. before i got into this fandom i would also fantasize about writing or drawing something that would become wildly popular, and id have a whole bunch of people making fanart and fanfic and sending me fanmail about how much it meant to them and how good my work was and etc etc

getting into hlvrai gave me a taste of that and it fucking sucked!!!

dont get me wrong. positive attention is great. it makes me really happy that people like my stuff and are willing to tell me so. but heres a little "laundry list" of all the stupid insane bullshit ive had to put up with just b/c i briefly got popular in a moderately big fandom:

regular (and incredibly vicious) harassment by people who genuinely saw my art as morally wrong

expectations that i make only a specific kind of art, and anger/backlash when i ignore that and do what i want

people seeing me not as a human being, but as an impersonal figurehead, or an art machine, or as somebody to approach specifically b/c im popular and they want to hang out with somebody popular

legitimate psychological and sexual abuse by multiple people specifically b/c of the above, traumatizing me in ways that i am still not fully "over"

people scanning my posts for anything even remotely problematic so they can hold it against me

creators of the thing i enjoy (and their friends) deliberately seeking out my artwork to make fun of it/express disgust that i would make it

people maintaining a perpetual burning hatred of me for months, or even years, which is totally impossible to resolve b/c there are people you cannot please no matter what you do and its futile to even try

and posting about it publicly! to the point where i literally cannot engage with the NSFW side of the fandom at all b/c its impossible to avoid people who are willing to decry my entire experience with gender and sexuality as "cringe" or "bad representation", or who enjoy publicly speculating over whether or not im an abuser b/c i like it when the fictional machinima character is mean to me

and all this over having written a fanfic online. do you know how much worse it is for people with even bigger followings? people who get hugely popular and then feel like they cant draw anything if it isnt marketable b/c their entire brand has been distilled into one Thing? people who stop posting art entirely b/c their audience has exerted such a strong influence over what they let themselves draw that it killed their enjoyment?

ive seen a lot of people bemoan the fact that a lot of popular artists have really insular circles and dont talk to anybody outside of them. this is why: the internet has cultivated a massive general audience with such an entitlement to your presence that you end up totally dehumanized. i personally am terrified to talk to people outside of a very small circle b/c experiencing a fleeting amount of popularity exposed me to a lot of very dangerous people and fucked me up big time. (i also have a pretty severe case of avoidant personality disorder which doesnt help.)

fame can fuck up your entire relationship to your art. and i am very lucky that right now, i can just draw/write stuff that makes me happy and i have a manageable audience that seems to enjoy it. and also when i need to i can draw art for commissions without it dominating my hobby

if you feel like you can treat making art as Just A Job, then, yknow, thats your call. some people genuinely dont see it as anything more than a paycheck. its not necessarily a good or bad thing. but way, way more of you are vulnerable to a maladaptive relationship with your own ability to create, and i would rather you heed these warnings and still take pleasure in the human act of creation than end up hating the very things that brought you joy

so like tl;dr if you want fame there is a very good chance it will drive you crazy and theres no nice way around it. but if you focus on just putting things into the world b/c you want to get them out of your head, you have a lot better odds of being satisfied. do with that what u will

sorry for the long post. byebye

[rotten-away]

Disclaimer: ed, body dismorphia (i think?), sex, abuse

Just a little dump of my thoughts rn

-- can anyone tell me how you can hide a part of your post so u have to click on it to actually read it, please? QQ--

I wonder why "making love" is a thing

Why is it so important for Most people

Maybe it should be for me too but it just isnt

I dont like it, i dont want it

Ofc i felt "the urge" sometimes in my life but id rather distract myself from the thought than doing the actual thing

I really do love my boyfriend, hes such a caring and sweet person. After everything i experienced before hes literally the purest person ive ever known

But, he really likes doing it

I know hes trying to not pressure me into it (Most of the times) but i hate it so much how he gets horny about everything

I feel like shit after a day of school and just want to cuddle for a bit when he gets home - he instantly wants it

He told me he cant change it, he likes doing it and so his thoughts cant get away from it. I know hes still trying his best to not ask too often

But it just feels so bad..

F.e. yesterday, he went to bed earlier than me bc he had to go to work today

He said good night but seemed a bit grumpy so a few minutes later i went after him and just wanted to cuddle so he could fall asleep better

Unfortunately he was horny like immediately and touched my butt etc

I was like 'babe u need to sleep u got work tomorrow' while trying not to start crying actually. Then his mood dropped completely and he was visibly disappointed. This always Happen when i have to say no to him

I try to do it as often as i can for him but since ive been feeling so bad lately i just cant get myself to it. And when i do, it exhausts me mentally so much that i basically have enough for the next 2 months

Idk its not that i hate him touching me, i love it when we cuddle and he wraps his warm arms around me and stuff, but i just cant seem to enjoy this adult stuff...

I have to do it though bc otherwise he wont like me anymore i think. He always Drops jokes about us never having Sex or Shows me some very sus studies that having less than 1 time a week is bad for health or having more than 4 times a week is good for whatever

I think he is deeply disappointed in me and the relationship, bc i do not give him my love the way he wants to

I think hes a very good person, but i am afraid that our needs to not fit together and he will leave me soon

Idk what i can do, i want to give him what he needs but i just feel so sick in this body of mine. I wish i could rip off my skin and fat or cut open every inch of me, ripping out my guts i just want to get rid of my body. So obviously i hate undressing or having someone Touch my disgusting bare skin, i just cant stand it it makes me so anxious

Anyways ill have to take a shower now and pamper my body a little, bc i think i will have to do 'it' today

I hate showering or having to look/Touch my body longer than i have to

It makes me sad though, every relationship i had by now Fell at the point of how often we make love

Everyone left me for it

One did not but forced himself on me, and one day i left him

Everyone else just got bored and disappointed of their girlfriend who doesnt want to do it 24/7

I want to be a kid again, not having to Deal with this

I dont want to feel dirty and disgusting anymore

What we do for love right

Im so sorry for him that he has such a shitty girlfriend like me

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

JK Rowling, transphobia and a hopefully helpful post.

A few days ago I posted on my Facebook (yes I have one sue me) debunking some of the things Rowling has been saying on twitter. Since she made a statement I felt the need to make another one... but this time Im sharing it here. Please note this is long, it is fairly opinionated in places but her statements have felt so insidious I want to share something in depth. If you are cis I implore you to read, but I understand this is long and a lot of people wont want to. No judgement. 

Jk Rowling’s latest statement is a mess of valid concerns and fear mongering. At this point there can be no claim she doesn’t know what shes talking about - she herself has said shes been researching this for years. She throws in token acknowledgements to “real” trans people while framing the rest of her statements as concern for confused teens.So first things first - and something that might not be popular with some of my trans friends. I agree that teenagers should not be able to medically transition. It is a choice that should be made when the brain is fully mature. Hormone blockers are something I trust - and that are reversible. I have seen enough detransitioned people hurting to feel like we do need to be careful - especially with children who are trying to find themselves. I dont know about other people but during my teens I was coming to the crushing realisation that I wasn’t special. I was learning that no matter how well I painted someone else did it better, no matter how badly I hurt someone had it worse - I was learning about the wonderful mediocrity of life, and having anything that made me stand out gave a brief reprieve from learning to be okay with all these things. For me to be fair it was dying my hair outrageous colours and dressing in black leather during 30 degree summer heat - but its still something we cant forget. I KNOW a lot of kids claiming to be trans are - and I dont want to keep that from them, however I dont want to cause harm to the kids that are wrong. Continuing on, I’d like to address her comments about TERFS. Terfs are Self Described Trans-exclusionary-radical-feminists and the term does get thrown around a little too liberally at times. Terf is not and never will be a slur. No more than “White” is. It is about a group of people who have taken it open themselves to segregate another group - and calling that what it is, is not a crime. The reason Terf and transphobe have become synonomic is because the ‘radical feminists’ that subscribe to this have lost focus on nearly all other issues of feminism and sit squarely on “dropping the T” from the lgbt community and “keeping men out of womens bathrooms.” Terfs are overwhelmingly women - this is sadly simply a fact. Terfs are reviled because of how much it feels like a betrayal to the community. A group that fights for rights - except ours. A group that wants equality - except for us. Its different to the conservatives who hate us all equally - with Terfs we are singled out. Terfs are not, as Rowling claims, inclusionary to Trans-men. I’ve been met with a combination of pity, loathing, mockery and revulsion by people within this group. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let homophobia push me into transitioning - only for all correspondence to abruptly drop when I mention Im marrying another man. I’ve been told my old body was beautiful - only for stunned silence when I agree. I was beautiful - I was curvy, I was a dancer and had a body to match - but I wasn’t Me. When their usual arguments against me fail - I’m met with hate. Im called anti-woman, traitor, homophobic. I even have some such comments saved on my blog. I have yet to meet a Terf who was pro-trans-man. Rowling claims that had she had the ability, as a confused teen, she may have sought to transition. I hate to tell her but she did have the ability and trans people didn’t pop into existence in the twenty-first century. I’m actually looking to do my dissertation topic in my final year on lgbt presentation throughout history - and in my overeager way I’ve already started researching. James Barry has been becoming a common name for years - a transgender surgeon who died in 1865. If Barry was able to at least socially transition from 1790 to 1860, I am fairly sure Rowling could have in 1980 - over a century later. Rowling also claims that groups of friends in schools all suddenly identify as trans at the same time. Speaking from my school experience - the queer kids group together. We seek out others like us, and we take strength from each others bravery to come out - often around the same time. We almost get a rush of resolve when one of our group musters the courage and strength, and some of us use that rush to bite the bullet ourselves. Its one of the beautiful ways the lgbt community is here for one another - and the influx of people identifying as trans is partially a factor of more people knowing the name of their feelings. Survivor bias will ignore the trans people through history without the knowledge or means to transition - and will claim they were never trans at all. Her initial statements about charities worry me in particular. As I said last time - we know sex is real, we just dont really like to be defined by it. She is worried that we’re going to “rebrand medicine” and ignores that medications for years have had warnings in their leaflets about “If you are or become pregnant” regardless of if the person receiving it has a dick or a vagina. We dont advocate for ignoring the differences in how people respond to heart attacks - and I for one would like research to be done on how hormones effect that. I dont actually know if I would respond more like a cis gender woman or a cis gender man if I were to have a heart attack or a stroke. But where possible we do want to change the language around some of these things. I have had a double mastectomy, but some Cis-men have these as well. This is not a gendered term. Why should a period be called anything else? Why call it a “womens problem.” I and Im sure many other trans people, support the research into how different medical and mental issues affect different sexes. I just think that should be extended further - and we know it should, as some medical issues affect people of different ethnicities in different ways and we don’t know how. I am truly sorry that Rowling has experienced abuse and assault of any nature. I am truly sorry that she has felt unsafe. But her feelings do not invalidate others experiences. Of the trans people I know, a saddening number have been assaulted, have been abused and in particular have experienced these things domestically. There is much work to be done on this in the UK. There are nearly no mens shelters for sufferers of violence to my knowledge. I, a trans man who have experienced some of these things in my teen years, would Not want to be around cisgender women even if I could be. A cis woman was responsible for much of the pain I personally suffered - and in fact one of the acts of violence she carried out against me was directly after I came out as trans to her. Trans women, even if they could go to male shelters, should not have to be surrounded by a group that put them in danger - in a place that is detrimental to them physically and mentally and is frankly degrading. The belief that allowing trans women into shelters for those escaping abuse is dangerous is sad. To be so afraid is deserving of pity. To let fear blind you to the suffering of others - to think its better that a trans woman face homelessness or a return to an abusive household because you personally would sleep better at night is the kind of passive evil we should be aware of in this day and age. It comes from choosing to see the word “trans” before “person.” Its from choosing to see a persons genitals before their humanity. Trans people are not dangerous - and cause no greater risk than any other demographic.  Her claims that she can empathise with this fear are empty. A gender recognition certificate is not a ticket into womens bathrooms. Funnily enough you dont actually require a piece of paper to go almost anywhere. I do not have a gender recognition certificate and use male bathrooms, can enter male spaces as I please. All a gender recognition certificate does is change the letter on your birth certificate. It doesn’t even affect other forms of identification - my passport, my student id, my drivers license all already say male. I am not sure why so many people have chosen this as their hill to die on because its the least relevant thing to them on the planet. How often have any of you seen another persons birth certificate? Rowling says she and other ‘gender critical’ (a terf dogwhistle) people are concerned for trans youth. Well… she can take her condescending concern and direct it to matters that are relevant to her. Trans people want to be left alone. Its a simple request, and yet people endlessly seem to trip over the dirt level bar.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hi Charlie,

I don’t even know what to say. I guess nothing changes. Maybe my brain has become more aware but I still haven’t changed. I am still alone and have no self-esteem or power to change myself or my life. I’m the same girl who wrote to you when I was 14, 15, 16 ect. Except now im 22 and the pain of my wasted youth/life and seeing time slip away everyday has turned into a dull aching pain that has only been compartmentalized to the extent it has because ive been so numbed out on meds. After coming off them for the first time in 9 years (big fucking mistake) my mind is a mess. What is life when the whole thing has been one big thing to survive. Thats what life is, something to survive. As much as I am thankful to fantasies for getting me through, im now digested by it. I’ve never even kissed someone. I have no confidence and have always hated how I look. Im used to having no control but right now it feels scary. Thats why I left school. When im not on the meds, I feel like im going to day because I cant escape. Thats all I know how to do. Im going to go back on. I don’t give a shit about being exhausted all day or any other side effects I want to be numb forever. Thats the only way to survive.

I will be chasing love I will never get, I’m a fucking masochist of life. I obsess over people who cant give me what I want and I long for shit that’s not real. My life is a lie. Life is a lie. All I do is lie. Even after disconnecting myself from my brain over the last few years, what has really changed Absolutely nothing. I don’t think I would ever want to go experience the pain I felt in high school because that was terrifying and bloody and I trusted myself least of all. However, I think there was still some genuine dreams and things I thought could happen and be real. At least I had a fucking identity in being a teenage girl. Every moment was painful but it was real. I’ve always been burnt out but Ive become beyond used to it. Like im trying to prepare myself for this forever, which repulses me. I have nothing in me to change it though. The pain and abuse and past is too much, it wont let go of me and I cant let go of it. As much as I am so grateful for the meds I also don’t know if im really me on them. Then again, I have 0 fucking idea who I am and am not sure Ive ever known. What do you do when all you’ve known, your entire life, has been running and that deep physical pain running through your nerves when you fight tears, and being told you don’t matter and your thoughts don’t matter and what you want doesn’t matter. I want to know someone like me. Who hasn’t lived a real life. Who’s youth has been the ashes of my potential. What do you do when you’ve never tried things because you don’t think you can. What do you do when regret has ruined you and made you a bitter cannon of blood and bones. Im tired of telling myself that its good I haven’t experienced anything romantic ever because it has allowed me to avoid that kind of hurt. 8 year old fantasies, 17 year old fantasies and 22 year old fantasies are all the same. The things I wish could have happened aren’t dulled, they haven’t changed, and I don’t think they can, they cant. There is no saving and no savior. Its just survival, always have been always will be. Im tired of my friends and im tired that so many of them don’t even know what pain is and what surviving is. They don’t question things and experience normalcy daily. I know normalcy doesn’t exist but there’s levels to everything. Im mad at them. Im mad at everyone. I hate everyone for not loving me like I love them. All I do is wait for you to be here so I can see you but you don’t care because you have a life. I don’t. How am I supposed to when life is survival. Im so tired. Im so tired. Im so fucked. Im so fucked up.

I love you and I really fucking miss you. Wish we could go back.

Sincerely,

girl under the magnolia blossom tree. They fall down so quickly don’t they?

[drangues]

I hope you’re right, but the future remains to be seen. On the upside, I’m finally gonna be able to see my therapist again! Which is good because I can finally report back on how my meds are doing. Also nooo I’m sorry your teacher is a Fool, that sucks. They clearly don’t know Good Kitty Doodles when they see them. Anyways, YEAH their dynamic is one of my favorites, they’re like. The definition of the vitriolic best buds trope, I feel like? (Nyanon, 1/7)

And it is a bit annoying when people reduce them to Kunikida hating Dazai and Dazai mocking Kunikida, because like you said, that’s part of it!!! But they also trust each other a lot, Dazai genuinely believes that Kunikida is a good man and I do think he tries to base a lot of his morals off of Kunikida’s (and Oda and Atsushi and Fukuzawa, but this isn’t about them), and I think that, while he finds Dazai’s antics annoying, Kunikida very clearly trusts and cares about him? (Nyanon, 2/7)

Sure he thinks he could take things more seriously, but he trusts in his ability to get the job done when it needs to happen, and he even plays into his antics a few times! That fic does sound like them though, Dazai being Extra and Kunikida being exasperated because “you’re dying and this isn’t a manga (unless we break the fourth wall)??? Please focus on staying alive so you can actually confess to the brat.” I love the two of them so much. (Nyanon, 3/7)

Moving on a bit, I seem to have bad luck with friends??? If they don’t randomly stop talking to me if they’re online friends (not for mean reasons, contact just tapers off), then I’ve has like. Physically abusive friends and friends who lied to me and took advantage of how gullible I was as a kid? I’d hope I get a friend like that but at this rate I’ve accepted my lot as a hermit. I am an introvert though, so I guess it’s fair. Back to BSD, though! (Nyanon, 4/7)

I BET OLD ATSUSHI GETS IT FROM FUKUZAWA, he’s been taught his Ways. And Atsushi is probably the one giving people hugs half the time, he’s touch starved and very nice to hold and be held by, again, like a cat- Speaking of, at least it’s a nice rent free thought and not something Super Weird like the theme song of a kids show (yes I hate having songs stuck in my head). But yeah, poor thing needs hugs, preferably from the rest of the ADA when he’s feeling inadequate. (Nyanon, 5/7)

I want them to tell him how much he means to them and shower him with love and affection. And listen, Atsushi is a Literal catboy but he isn’t anywhere near as chaotic as Dazai is, he isn’t a sadist, he isn’t a sugar addict, he isn’t,, The Tanizaki Family (TM), as far as Kunikida is concerned it’s a dream come true. The fact that he actually does try his best and take on extra work when Kunikida is overwhelmed is just a bonus. (Nyanon, 6/7)

Also Atsushi is an indulgent big brother who says fuck gender norms, he adores Kyouka to bits and if she wants him to model some fashion that she likes then he isn’t gonna say no. Anyways, moving on to another Scenario Concept: I’m reading a chat fic right now, so how do you think that’d go with BSD? I know they aren’t action stories but they’re always great if you find a good one,,, I feel like there’d be pictures of Atsushi as a tiger are being thrown around at lightspeed. (Nyanon, 7/7)

WOOO HELL YEAH IM GLAD YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR THERAPIST!! make sure to take not of EVERYTHING all right?? dont reduce to “eh it’s fine” S M H

and yes!!! i also hate how theyre reduced like that, though we also got the anime adaption to blame here because they really love to Crank That Part Of The Dynamic up, so the fans are not TOO much to blame. Plus as you said, they trust each other a lot clearly. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAN FUCK ALL YOUR FRIENDS YOUVE HAD SO FAR S M H, i hope the abusive ones Rot In Hell they did not deserve to do that to you i swear. i understand if this makes you be more closed off but please dont let that hinder you from experiencing the true beauty of people that actually care!!! relationships/friendships take time to build so just have patience im sure youll get someone soon!! i believe in you!!

man you have songs stuck in your head?? mood, i feel that, it’s pretty hard for me to have Something stuck in my head for too long because of how many different thoughts my brain spits out constantly, it’s like several tabs open with many of them playing different sounds it’s all a M E S S but i like it uwu

atsushi is the Least weird in the ADA and kunikida appreciates him, im sure kunikida is the type to say something caring in a threatening voice and then play it off as something Logical like “make sure to not overwork yourself- good health is important for good work ethics”

i’m sure atsushi would feel weird being shoved feminine stuff in his face at first, but because he cant say and loves kyouka to bits he would sit through it and start actually liking it because really, why Not? Whats Wrong Exactly? nothing. thats the point.

I WANT A CHATFIC OF THE ADA LIKE FROM WHEN ATSUSHI FIRST GETS HIS PHONE AND ALL THE CHATFICS THERE MAN (though except for all those intense ass arcs man i like fics where i ignore the canon arcs that happened because F U C K that personally, bsd has VERY emotionally draining arcs imo and mainly the reason i stuck around is cause of the characters OSGDHJSK)

[queerlyhalloween]

Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

[melsxpookie]

This was not wrote by me but I had to share it 💔

Credits to addieanatomy on instagram.

its so difficult for me to understand those who never feel the slightest bit of sympathy for norma and those who blame norma for being a bad mother, for nurturing her child into a serial killer. since the beginning on the series, norma had been a whole person. she has a backstory filled with emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of her awful parents. and emotional and sexual assault at the hands of her brother. and then she gets married to an abusive husband with a son born of incest because of her brother raping her. and another son who blacks out and becomes violent to the point of murder. norman blacked out and murdered her abusive husband/his father and had no idea. and he continues to kill several ppl that come into his life. but that’s just a whole other discussion for a later date. it makes my blood boil when i see ppl want to hate norma and blame her for all norman does. they want to. hate norma for what norman is. in some ways. yes. i can see why we all should give her some blame. because of numerous events in her life, norma’s incredibly broken which doesnt make motherhood too promising for her. i mean. i would argue that the worst thing norma has done has been having a lack of understanding the causes and effects of her actions. and just having a lack of insight in general.

norma feels that nothing outside of her and her care is safe for her and her beloved child. but eventually, she starts to see norman as a threat, to herself and himself. okay and quite honestly. im surprised norma didn’t end up being the damn serial killer given her fucking upbringing and the experiences she faced… anyway. alright norma definitely allowed for levels of intimacy between her and norman that are pretty uncomfortable. and some ppl would say shes reluctant to admit that there is something wrong with her beautiful child. but in my opinion. i believe she was always fully aware of normans troubles and knew that theres was smth wrong with him. but like i said before. she didnt see safety in anything outside herself. bc shes so fucking stubborn! but she truly believed that she was the answer to normans problem and she thought she could help him and protect him. i think it is very harsh for ppl to classify norma and anything she does as a mother as being neglectful. or abusive.,..,. she certainly comes close but. she doesnt cross the line into that territory. and yes. she did tell norman things he shouldnt have to know as her son. like. the situation with her brother. but. if u think about normas role as a mother overall. within the context of her own life experiences. she tries really fucking. hard. to be a the perfect and ideal mother. and i believe her efforts should be applauded considering she had no good mother or father to have as an example for her parenting. this woman did whatever she could to protect her son. and when she realized that she couldnt give him the help he needed,... she sought out help. she went to pineview. she begged dr edwards or whatever to help her son. she did her best to get her son the aid he needed in order to not be a threat to himself, norma and everyone else.

i would find it absolutely ridiculous if u didnt feel an iota a sympathy for norma in that moment in 401. she even explained herself in that moment with dr edwards. she realized that she couldnt control what she thought she could. and that she was afraid of going to the doctors bc she thought they could take him away from her. and i believe that she didnt want him taken away bc he was the last bit of love she had left in her life. she had no one. she loved norman so passionately bc they were all each other ever had. its just. in that fucking moment with dr edwards. norma was showing so much of herself. so much honesty. which is smth she tends not to do. and she was revealing in that moment that literally. like all parents. she didnt really know… exactly what she was doing. she was just hoping that what she thought was best,.,. was good. and she had a moment of great fear that what she was doing was hurting her child. and she wanted to do smth else to change and make it better for both of them. all norma has ever had is good intentions. love makes u do crazy things. and she did crazy things out of the sometimes dangerous love she had for her child. but she cant take full blame for what norman is and became. being the parent of a psychopath is not gonna be fucking easy and a literal cake walk with a manual on how to succeed. all norma fucking wanted was a normal life for her and her son. and normal life that she never got to have throughout her childhood. and teenage years. and into her married life with both of her husbands.

she could never catch a fucking break. and she never did. she never. fucking. did. shitty childhood, 2 shitty marriages, a kid who resulted from being raped by her brother, a kid that was more than just mentally unstable. and her own mental wellbeing never treated was just. the fucking cherry on top. and even after she dies she didn’t even get peace until after norman died, considering he was lugging her dead body around. when ppl talk about norma, her mental health is not often in the conversation. but quite honestly. norma's entire mental state had to have been absolutely exhausting for her. she needed serious help. and she needed it well before norman even came into the her life. i think the only time she realized that… this isnt how normal people live. is when she was with alex... alex gave her a real glimpse into a type of normalcy she had never experienced. honestly. i would like to believe she eventually would have gone into therapy had she survived. and even if norman had stayed at the live-in hospital and didnt try to kill her, she and alex were not going to magically start living a beautiful, good life. she was going to need some serious therapy herself. and i just know she wouldnt bring herself to do that all by herself. i think if anyone could help her decide to help herself... that person would without and doubt be alex. norma truly was beaten down by life at every corner. anyone in her shoes with that kind of history and mental wellbeing would be in an unbelievable amount of pain on the inside. when thinking about how this all plays into her relationship with norman... i just think she loved norman to the best of her ability. but it was from a perspective warped by extreme mental illness, fatigue and injury of her own. to add to this exhausting amount of mental turmoil, came her exhausting love for norman. god i love this woman so much. she is everything to me.

This hit me so damn hard. People ask why I love this show so much and the reason is above. Vera Farmiga portrays Norma so brilliantly and I couldn't think of anyone else who could do it better.

Romanticizing the relationship she and Norman had is unhealthy yes, but she loved her son so much she would do anything to keep him safe. Norma Bates is a fucking warrior- fictional character or not.

[dykeceit]

tw: discussion of incest

i usually try to stay away from commenting a lot on fandom drama and discourse but hooo boy have incest fetishists been pissing me off-

y'know romrem shippers didnt used to bother me that much, i thought eh most of them are kids and will grow out of it and have some reason they don't think roman and remus are "really brothers" (which they are). ive been there, i shipped thorki when i was like 15, and my excuse was that "well they're not really related" which of course is invalidating to people with family they aren't biologically related to. they're just as much family no matter what.

that being said, i don't condone sending hate to people. that being said, i think the way at least some remrom shippers are handling the hate or reasonable fucking criticism is downright absurd and disgusting. apparently, if people request you to make a new channel in your server to keep the romrem seperate from the rest bc uh Most People are made fucking uncomfortable or are even triggered by that (oh but thats right, talking about triggers makes you uncomfortable. surely as uncomfortable as those who actually get triggered, im sure. yknow, those who've for example experienced incestuous abuse. but of course your feelings matter more than theirs) then theyre being demanding and "coming at you". i dont know what exatcly was said by those people but i highly doubt it was overreacting. this isnt like sympathetic deceit for example where whether youre triggered by him depends on how you view him as a character. no, this is actual incest. roman and remus are actually brothers. but apparently youre the victim here.

its fucking ridiculous the extent of which these people paint themselves as martyrs of some kind, noble defenders of Free Speech... grow the fuck up. yknow ive been fine with these people existing as long as they do so in their own little incest fetishizing bubble and i have now blocked them so yeah, i guess technically that should be it, but goddammit i needed to rant about this, it's fucking ridiculous. you arent an awesome free speech champion, you just ship incest. and while thats disgusting, whatever, i cant change your mind, glorifying how you're being shunned by most of this fandom and just loving it and acting like everyone else is morally inferior to you just bc you Live And Let Ship.....no. stop. ship whatever i guess but you're not fucking jesus.

now, on the topic of romantization. ive seen remrom shippers argue you cant define that term and that It's Not Really Romantization Because Roman Feels Conflicted About His Feelings For Remus and just. no. what would make it Not Romantization is if you, the author, potrayed it as gross and wrong as it is, that you disapproved of it. and yet here you are, writing incestuous smut. here's a quick little tip. if you, the author, are into it, maybe thats a sign you're fucking romantizing it. Because romantization doesnt just mean potraying something as good, it can mean potraying something as bad but It's Hot Because It's Taboo. romantization happens with things that are bad, after all, like mental illnesses. they're not necessarily potrayed as Good but painting them as being in some way, desirable, there being something in them, that makes you a wiser person or whatever, but with the cost of being miserable i guess. now romantizing mental illnesses is a bit different obviously but the point is romantization doesnt equal This Is Normal And Good.

then there's the fact that....this fandom literally has 14 other 2 person ships just among the sides. 14 other ships that aren't canonically confirmed to be Platonic Only. and even more ships if you count poly ships! now, i personally used to ship loki with thor bc i wanted to ship him with Someone, and thor was who he interacted the most. that's obviously still wrong, but isn't really based on them being brothers. remrom however...if you choose that as your favourite ship uwu then...i think that's pretty fucking telling. but like.......yhink thomas maybe wanted to portray a sibling dynamic? because he hasnt? with the other characters? like here you have the One Confirmed Only Platonic relationship and you go ah yes that one, either bc of just being into incest or out of spite or smth.

now you may ask, what does this accomplish. just block them and move on. well, sometimes you got some Feelings. and you express them. free speech amiright, should apply to "antis" too right (i stg if they coin the term romremphobic i) and i dont expect this to change their minds, especially those who will just thrive off of this post and shape their whole identity around being hated for shipping incest i guess.

now when it comes to people who follow me...if you ship romrem, i...personally dont care all that much but i dont want to interact with you. yeah. idk this was a long rant im sorry

[whirlibirdy]

the last few anons werent from the LGBTQ+ person? i never reblogged anything from you. you're starting to mix people up. im the anon who said not to use the dsm argument as a lifeline because it's subject to change. then you called me a pedo, so i said i was sexually abused for 6 years, to which you said "boo fucking hoo." imagine hating pedophiles, but having no sympathy for their victims unless they agree with your every single word. rot in hell, bitch

yknow what, i know i said id stop answering but i wanna give you credit where credits due

i do mix people up because i dont see the point of you claiming i called you a pedophile when i literally did not do that

nowhere in my response to that ask did i ever claim the sender was a pedophile

i just said “you claim to not be supporting pedophiles but here you are, coming into my askbox trying to defend them” which that ask was doing. because my arguement was clearly not enough for you despite me not even owing one in the first place because “pedophiles bad” should be enough for people i get so many asks all the time where people like you will come into my askbox trying to humanize child predators but your sympathy doesnt make you a pedophile by default, it just means you give a shit enough about them to care when i say they should die. as for the other thing, yeah i care about victims. IM A VICTIM. i just dont care when people come into my askbox saying shit like “im a victim of X so you cant say this!” or act like i need to know that shit or that your trauma is more important than anyone elses. to me, your trauma is irrelevant. I am a stranger who doesnt need to know or care what happened to you or at what specific age or for how long or anything. it sucks that it happened but shit like that happened to me too, i dont need you or people like you coming into my askbox acting like you deserve to have your opinion or feelings put above mine just because you experienced something. you said not to assume what happened to people but you came in forcing your trauma on me just because you assumed that i havent experienced anything so therefore you can act like you have more of a say than i do so yeah, boo fucking hoo, shit happened to me too so you do not get to speak over me just because you come in here assuming it didnt i care about victims i dont care about people using their victimization to speak over others who they assume arent victims just because they dont go around crying that they were traumatized as well take a step back and ask yourself “do i need to tell people about my trauma in order for my words to mean anything?” “do i need to hear about other peoples trauma in order for their words to mean anything?” “will telling other people about my trauma, unprompted, help anything?” “could forcing my trauma on others possibly trigger them?” no one needs to hear about what happened to you because frankly i didnt ask, and me being bothered and pissed off that youd come in and act the way you did doesnt mean i dont care about victims it just means i dont care about people who try and defend pedos and tell me im a piece of shit for not caring about having anons try and use their trauma to emotionally manipulate my opinions tldr: I didnt ask but ill admit i did mix you up with the many other people who spout the same shit i never asked about

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them