#as a butch with gods shittiest beard

[ghostlyerlkonig]

The "there's no f/f ship popularity because of the fucking fujos" is popping up again on a different app and it always upsets me because, genuinely, until there are more butches and studs (BUTCHES and STUDS not just a buff gal) in media, I have so very little interest in damn near all f/f ships because it's all fem fem. And not even femme femme. They have same face syndrome half the time.

[myexplicittarotjournal]

I can't get over a crush 💔 (part 3)

So, as I was saying, I used a technique called cognitive journaling to crack my head up and try to see what's behind the obsession with my straight-acting ginger bearded crush.

According to Dr. Ragnarson, the psychiatrist that developed this method, you can understand how you relate to emotions by reverse analyzing your thought sequences, which generally take the following "A B C" steps:

 Activating event → Beliefs → Consequences

So, my obsession would be arranged like this:

Activating event: Mathew is dismissive of me.

Beliefs: That's what I'll try to figure out.

Consequences: I'm craving his attention to the point I'm obsessing.

Why does this guy's indifference make me feel like I need him even more? What are the beliefs that make me feel this way?

Well, why do I like him in the first place? Is it just because of his sexy beard? Hmmm, usually, I feel more attracted to masculine guys. And I first thought he was straight when I was shuffling his IG feed.

Now, I need to tell you something:

When I was an 11 y.o kid, I suffered a traumatic experience that perdured until I was 18 y.o. I suffered systematic bullying at school for being gay. Yes, you heard it right. Since I was 11.

By that age, I wasn't all that aware of my sexuality, but it was evident to others by my personality, soft voice, body language, interests, etc. For me, I was just myself, but to my classmates, I was a faggot. And because of that, I deserved the same treatment as the shittiest crook in the world. It's their right to hate me. I'm a fag. I deserve it.

The teachers at school overlooked me. Perhaps, they just didn't want to deal with that, or maybe they thought all the malice from other kids was justified because it would correct me. So it was for my greater good that I was bullied.

My dad was having financial problems and working until late most weekdays.  My mom was selfishly too absorbed in her own world to notice that was something wrong with me. She would never attend a PTA meeting or at least ask how my day at school was.

I was completely isolated. And I started to believe in the hate. I thought I deserved to be treated like that because, well, that's how gays should be treated. And that's how the world is.

Nobody wanted to be friends with me at school, so I would be alone most of the time. Soon, I became so traumatized that I wouldn't speak a word for weeks. And no one would notice. I was afraid to talk because my voice was soft, and everyone would see I was a faggot.

At 13, I had suicidal thoughts. I deemed, perhaps, jumping from the 5th-floor window of the small bedroom I shared with my two brothers couldn't be that bad. Maybe if I jumped far enough, I would pass the benches and smash myself on the flat floor, and it wouldn't hurt much before I die. 

I never had the courage, though. Thank God. Because I think 5 stories are not enough height to kill a skinny 13-year-old boy. I would probably have to continue living my life not only gay but also paralyzed. 

But, hey, I digress. The fact is that somehow that little kid survived his darkest days. It gets better. It really does. 

I said all that because I want to get to the point that, somehow, 25 years later, I still have my traumatic memories playing a role in my seeing the world.

There's still a part of me that thinks being gay is a flaw. And if I want the love of men, I should have been born a woman. I don't see myself as trans, though. But I think that's why I don't feel an attraction to guys with feminine personalities, you know? Because they are like me. Flawed. 

But what if there was at least one straight-acting guy that wouldn't care for my flaws? That would set me free from my curse; I'd be allowed to love and to be loved!

(...)

I never found that guy. And I know that's all bullshit that patriarchal society wanted me to believe, of course. I know that. Now I know. 

But I didn't know that during most of my teens. And on a subconscious level, I am still looking for that butch guy that will save me from my sins—that masc bearded man who will validate my whole pitiful existence. 

And for a moment, the scared and suicidal 13 years old boy living inside my head thought he had found that guy. 

Why is this straight-looking bearded guy so interested in me? Why do I feel like I love him? Do I love him? I don't even know him! I never met him. But for a brief moment, I got his attention. And it was so sweet.

Now, there's a needy and deluded teenager inside my head that won't let that sweet moment go. For whatever reason, he's not interested in you! And you don't need his love to be validated as a man who loves men. 

LET IT GO!

But, there's no reasoning against a traumatized child. He will be eternally longing for the love of his masculine ginger bearded man. 

Oh, Mathew, Mathew... Has he posted new IG stories already?