#as well as a weird phase of myself that .. well. wasn't bad. but was certainly questionable and i'm glad i grew from it

[kiisaes]

Do you think you'll ever draw Klance again?

ah .. so u know of my past klancer ways ...

that ship won't leave me the FUCK alone. not in the "i still ship it despite everything" way, in the "why are u still showing up on my twitter timeline" way

it's been years. i tried my diddly darndest to rebrand myself far, far away from them and vld as a whole. it was deadass the first show that forced me to up my media literacy game because i realized that i couldn't keep thinking shows like VOLTRON LEGENDARY DEFENDER were actually acceptable stories. klance is obviously part of that show so i didn't want to waste more of my energy on it. unfortunately, klance (and vld) content is still on this blog because i'm too lazy to get rid of it, so i've learned to live with my tragic past. it's disappointing and horrendously embarrassing, but it made who i am today. every time my lemon boy keith drawing makes its rounds again i bite the inside of my cheeks and scream, and then proceed to do nothing about it

that being said, if i ever do draw klance again, it'll be because of the unrelenting and unmerciful force of trashy-media-nostalgia. i'm surprised i haven't drawn a serious klance piece in years — i thought i'd cave much sooner tbh. but maybe this is a good thing. it means i'm healing

[askstrangeweird]

I need to talk about Strange's default outfit design and apologize.

Recently I found the image on the left browsing Google, and clearly, the design is not mine.

Ive been recently working on new character designs, in which sometimes part of my process includes looking on Google at references of clothing or designs similar to styles I like to get inspiration from or use as reference, so I recently became aware that I've made a huge mental and error with my main OC, Strange Weird and have been for years now, and that I feel I owe a public apology to @jurinova, because long story short, I've learned that ive been using a design from your outfit meme for a few years as if it was my own my design as a mistake and I'm deeply sorry. It was never my intention to take a design of yours and claim it as my own, and certainly not for as long as I have without realizing it, and to anyone I ever told it was my design I am sorry I misled you and was mistaken. I was not purposely trying to be dishonest or lie, or steal, even unknowingly another's design.

To be fully open and transparent, I do suffer from memory issues, and that's not me making excuses, just trying to explain while taking accountability. I honestly don't remember ever even seeing the outfit meme in the first place or where but when I stumbled upon it recently I knew I had to have seen and used it while first designing Strange years ago and forgotten somehow that the outfit was from a meme had seen

No one else pointed this out to me or asked me to say anything, I want to take accountability on it myself, especially after exploring jurinova's blog, seeing more of their posts and how they seem to be supportive of other artists in general, and seeing a specific post where they clarified that of course, the outfits were not for permanent use, of course of which as another artist and someone who has made my own outfit memes before, I completely understand that and would have assumed if i hadn't clearly dropped the ball years ago and forgotten the outfit was even from a meme at all. I'm embarrassed and feel bad for any credit or attention I've taken from you.

Going forward, I've already started working on at least a completely new default outfit from scratch for Strange, as well, will slowly start to edit key art like reference sheets, icons, and the comic cover in the pinned post that ive already made including this outfit that isn't actually mine to a new outfit I'm 110% will be original. I will also attempt to go back to previous posts and give proof credit where possible as and when I'm able. I can guarantee, even considering my memory struggles that lead to this, that this was a one off mistake too. No other OC I've made has an outfit that wasn't designed from scratch. Now also I've taken steps to make sure of it and to keep better self notes to keep track of what my design inspiration and influence are for things so I know I'm only taking inspiration not just blatantly taking another's design, even for just an outfit.

I will have the new default outfit for Strange hopefully done soon and will start phasing the old taken design out completely to show respect to the original designer's wishes and art as whole, in attempts to make amends. For now I'll end by saying, that I would like to apologize to Jurinova again genuinely and encourage anyone reading this to go show them support and give them a follow or read their webcomic like I have begun too.

[evolvingbeautyandmess]

The thing about trauma recovery

USUAL DISCLAIMER: so these blog posts are dictated by a speech to text. Also there's very minimal if any editing. And that is partially due to spoons or energy as I am disabled but also it's just the vibe of the blog. That said I don't know why Google censors curse words.

So recently I experienced a medical situation that led to the medical people involved in this minor oral surgery to use emergency oxygen on me several times because my oxygen was not going up so quickly.

You see I have dysautonomia so my oxygen is prone to temporary dips. My BPM is prone to temporary dips and spikes. So the fact that my oxygen might go down sometimes was not a shocker. However I have never required emergency oxygen.

And there are other details which I don't want to get into because it's a bit triggering for me in the actual sense of the word not just merely bothered, so I'll leave it at that.

And I haven't quite figured out if the event itself was traumatic or just triggering or both can it be both? Not quite sure.

The one thing I've been reminded regarding trauma recovery is that at least in my experience is that I often do not fully know myself, certainly not as well as I normally would if I wasn't in this trauma recovery mode.

And it's f****** weird. I mean it's bad enough that you go through something that would warrant a period of trauma recovery. And it's bad enough that you then get flashbacks and trauma responses which can go f*** off because they're just f****** unpleasant. During a time of trauma recovery it's like you have to get to know yourself again in this current state.

Like for an example I find it's necessary to kind of hold space and observe myself so I can detect the patterns and the triggers. This will not stop things from being triggering or stop the flashbacks or trauma responses from happening but at least it won't be surprised if it does happen.

The shows and music that normally might be your go-to, may not work for you during trauma recovery.

And I find it's a lot harder to be mindful. It's not impossible but it takes extra work.

I've also noticed that I just don't have it in me to do the things that I normally love to do. A therapist once told me this is called the window of tolerance. And during trauma recovery the window can be quite narrow. For an example I've been making protest collages. But right now I'm just so spent and just trying to keep my head above water sometimes that there's no f****** way that I can even think about making a protest collage.

And the thing about trauma recovery is that you won't really know what will work for you until you do it. So there's this really awkward stumbling phase or you're trying to get your footing and you're groove but it's just not happening.

But I have found that if you keep trying things and do your best to be patient with yourself you do find things that you're able to enjoy. And once you find things that bring you Joy even though it can be fleeting, it is a reminder that you can still feel Joy. And the more you do those things, then eventually you find other things that bring you Joy. And you start to see the patterns in what triggers you so you're not this stranger that you don't recognize. I mean obviously you recognize yourself but you're just not how you would usually behave and you usually react.

And I'm writing this as a reminder to myself because sometimes it feels like you're never going to find your groove and this is how you're going to feel for the rest of your life and this f****** sucks but it's not the case.

After all once you're in a trauma recovery mode that means you're out of that situation and now you're working on healing and getting back to a steadier place.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Even if you can't see it now it does exist and you will see it again.

[blueberryrock]

I'm so tired rn, it is currently 12:49 am so im going to bed after this. But enjoy!

(Blue's pov)

"Are you sure you can handle this?" I look down at the tiny pink gem in front of me.

"Of course, I've seen Pink do it a bunch of times" Spinel gives one of the biggest grins I've ever seen.

"A-and you know what to do? " I ask another question "oh and you know some of the rules....right?" I shift nervously on my sore feet.

"Rules?" Spinel shoots me a confused look "how can a ball have rules?"

"Well, there aren't many, just simple ones" I cross my arms "like for instance, we're not allowed to leave our seats, although White has definitely changed that one.....oh and cannons can't be in the ballroom, or the castle for that matter" I stroke my chin trying to think of any rules.

"Well, liquids are no longer forbidden, cause it turns out that Steven is about seventy percent water...."  I trail off.

"Speaking of steven, is he coming?" Spinel bounces happily in place.

"I think so, he said that he would come with gifts, although I don't exactly know what gifts he could make..since we are quite bigger then him" I shrug.

"Quite?" Spinel crosses her arms.

I chuckle and roll my eyes "you should probably go and get the ball ready, and is there a dress code" I cursorily ask.

"Dress code?" Spinel scratches her head.

"Yeah, like we could dress...I don't know...nicer? Or different at least" I try to explain but Spinel just shrugs.

"That sounds good, I think I will try something new but I don't really know, you can too if you'd like, that goes for Yellow and White too" Spinel turns around "but like you said, I've got work to do" she starts running down the empty hallway we were talking in.

"And if you need any help, you can always call me or Steven, he has thrown at least two balls" I shout after her. I definitely shouldn't tell her that the first ball turned into a disaster, but it wasn't his fault...

A spike of pain washes over me, starting from my feet and quickly ends as soon as it reaches my mid-calf.

I sigh, I should go and sit down, maybe I'll run a bath. Yeah, that sounds nice. I turn around and painfully make my way to my chambers. As soon as the doors close behind me I instantly phase into nothing but a very loose and thin blue shirt and a pair of comfortable panties.

I slowly make my way across my room towards my extraction chambers (which everyone now calls it a bathroom).

I hit the now higher panel and the doors in front of me open, letting the slightly cold air into the room. I shiver when my bare feet touch the freezing tile floor, but I try my best to ignore it and turn on the bath.

As soon as the room becomes filled to the brim with steam. I phase away the rest of my clothes, and carefully lower myself into the warm water.

I let out a relaxed sigh as I finally make contact with the bottom and sit down. This time I accidentally filled the bath with to much water and it's now up to my chin.

I gently place my hand on my big baby bump, ever since I opened up to Yellow, I've been feeling..... better I guess...I'm certainly not one hundred percent a-okay, but I've been feeling happier about the gemlings.

Every now and then I occasionally have a few bad thoughts, but I'm glad that I have Yellow to help me with it, I just can't help but feel like I'm dragging Yellow.

I shake my head trying to get rid of that last thought, I need to think of something else...hmm what should I wear to Spinel's ball?

She didn't really specify if there was going to be a dress code or not. I smile as a wonderful idea comes to mind, I should wear the dress I wore to my first ball! I will have to make some adjustments, I rub my baby bump, man Yellow will love it!

I quickly finish my lovely bath and I wrap a towel around my body and hair. I sit down on my very comfortable stool in front of my vanity, I unwrap my now wet towel from my hair, I dry my soaking wet hair as best as I can with the towel before I instantly remove all the water from it with my powers.

I toss the damp towel onto the floor, but before it actually lands on the ground it phases away.

I grab my new blue hairbrush and I run it through my very tangled hair, I faintly hum some human song. Humming quickly turns into quietly singing.

"From the shell, the song of the sea" I softly sing to myself, I shapeshift my hair to get rid of my loop so I can braid my hair "neither quiet nor calm, searching for love again".

I easily hum the rest of the song as I quickly and effortlessly finish my long braid, I unnecessarily fiddle with the end of my braid, trying to make it not fall apart. I sigh as I throw the end of it over my shoulder, what time is it? I pull up a screen to find that Spinel's ball is in five hours.

I droop onto my vanity and let out another sigh, I should probably finish designing the gemlings little room, but all I need are the colors. If it's going to be anything like that weird vivid dream I had, I should be able to guess the colors correctly.

But alas, I am not a sapphire. The medical pearl did say that the next appointment I'll have should tell us what colors they might be.

I sit straight up and whip around at the sound of my doors opening, I smile when Yellow diamond steps into my room. She turns on my crystal chandelier as she grumbles something to herself.

"I don't understand how you can see so well in the dark" she walks directly towards me and smiles "it's like a new power, and I lovee what you did with your hair your hair"

"Thank you" I grab her hips and pull her closer, I wrap my arms around her and stand up "I wanted to do something new for Spinel's ball, while the braid may not be entirely new, but what I'm planning is...also not entirely new" I quietly giggle "but I know you'll love it"

"You know I'll love anything you'll do, even if you've done it before" Yellow plants a soft kiss on top of my head.

"I know, I know" I release my hold from her and I grab my still open screen "Since you are here, I wanted to show you the nursery design for our gemlings!"

I pull up the blueprints and proudly show her, she grabs the screen and studies each picture for a few seconds before moving onto the next one.

"They look good, but what is the color scheme?" Yellow hands me the screen back.

"I wanted to do the colors of what the gemlings are, but that'll have to wait a couple of days or so" I pull up the time and date again "well, it says the next appointment is actually tomorrow, so the plans will be done quickly"

A sudden rush of fatigue washes over me, I let out a yawn as I dismiss the screen "I think I'm going to take a nap before the ball" I phase into a soft shirt and pants.

I walk around Yellow and head straight for my bed "wake me up at least half a cycle before it starts." I pull all the blankets onto me.

"Noted" Yellow lays down right beside me, I lay down on my back as Yellow messes with my braid, she hums as I flip onto my side, trying to find a good position.

I let out a very long and relaxed sigh as I finally get comfortable, I feel myself drift into slumber as Yellow finishes humming.

"Have a good nap, I'll be back to wake you up" She whispers, I grumble something back to her, but I don't know what it was.

Since I took a nap I surprisingly didn't have a dream, I just fell asleep then bam! Instantly woke up.

"Blue? You said to wake you up now, so I need you to wake up" Yellow shakes me awake.

"Hmmm" I sit up, I wipe the sleep from my eyes, I squint from the light and I turn to the golden diamond next to me.

"Yellow? Mmm, what time is it?" I pull back the very warm covers and shiver slightly as Yellow helps me off of the bed.

"It's about a cycle till the ball, I decided you might need some time to actually wake up" Yellow let's go of me, I let out a groan as I stretch my arms.

"It seems like I did the right thing" Yellow hands me a glass of water.

"Thank you" I croak, I take a few sips of the cold water, I hand her the glass as I yawn.

After a few minutes of Yellow talking to me, making sure I don't fall asleep again, I push her out of the room so I can get ready.

I sit back down on my vanity chair and I fix my messy braid, damn, I knew I should've waited until after I took a nap. But then again, I didn't know that I'd actually take one...

As soon as my braid is done, I stand up and phase off my pajamas and I put on a comfortable pair of matching panties and a bra.

Now, this is the hard part, I have to remember what my dress looked like. It really won't be hard, but it was a very very long time ago.

As soon as remember what the dress I wore for my first ball looks like, I phase it on. I quickly adjust the waist so it's not clinging to my body, but instead it flowing at the bottom.

I turn around to face the mirror, I take a few steps back to see the entire dress.

And it's almost just how I remember it.

The top clings to my form, I had to just the neckline so it ends at the tip of my gem, I kept the long sleeves but moved the end of them just an inch or two back. The color of the entire dress is still blue, but as dark as the night sky, and it still shimmers when I move.

Moving past my waist, I shortened the slit by my leg a lot, so now it goes from my mid-calf to my ankles, which is where the dress stops, I also added the same sized slit on the other side.

This time I finally put on shoes, but they are a simple pair of knee-length boots with a lot of extra padding inside.

I smooth down the front of the dress, I smile as the familiar softness tickles my hands. A familiar chime breaks the silence in my room "come in" I half yell.

I sit back down on my plush stool as the big blue doors open. Steven, Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie walk into my room.

Steven and Pearl laugh at something that Amethyst had probably said, and in Steven's and Connie's hands are some big wrapped items.

As soon as Connie sees me, she accidentally drops the gifts she was carrying and her brown eyes go wide.

I push myself off of the stool and walk over to them "is something wrong" I ask the shocked Connie as I pick up the thing she dropped.

"N-no, nothing is wrong" she shakes her head and smiles "it's just that Steven said that you were at least six months in, but I had no idea you were." I cut her off "Big? Huge?" I smile little.

"Well, no, I was going to say, I had no idea you were so pregnant" she nervously laughs "and your dress looks amazing!"

I slightly blush from the complement. "Well, I am carrying twins" I smile warmly, I gently place my hand on my belly. I examine the nicely wrapped item, it's wrapped in different styles of a human material, which I think is paper and it fits perfectly in my hand. "You guys really didn't need to bring us anything."

"Well, my art teacher had me and my class make stuffed animals" I neatly unwrap all the paper to reveal a very soft, mixed fabric, lion "and I decided to go all out." Connie very proudly says.

I neatly place the paper on my vanity and inspect the toy lion. It has stitched black eyes and a black heart-shaped nose, with a wild rainbow mane and matching tail.

"It may not be the prettiest thing in the world, but I'm pretty sure that bad boy gave me an A+ for the rest of the year" Connie smiles "and it took me a little more than a week to make it, not including the time it took to gather the materials, luckily my mom and dad were there to help me."

I put the adorable lion on my vanity and I grab the gift that Steven was holding, "Man, you do not know how long it took to wrap those, and how much wrapping paper it took" Steven smiles as I once again, neatly take the paper off.

"As I said, you really didn't need to bring us anything, but I really do appreciate it" I happily say, I place all the paper on the vanity with the other paper.

In my hand is a beautiful wooden box with a wind-up on the back, it's a lovely shade of dark green with the diamond insignia top.

"C'mon, wind it up!" Steven excitedly says.

I smile at his lack of patience, I delicately wind up the box, as excitement builds inside me with each crank.

Suddenly the little box makes a strange CLICK sound and a wonderful tune starts playing, I shoot a confused look towards Steven. But he just looks at me with what I think are tearful eyes.

The song ends quickly, Steven sighs "The song is called you are my sunshine, my dad would sing that to me whenever I got scared, I'll teach you the lyrics later, but now we've got a ball to attend!" Steven turns on his heel towards the door.

"I'll be right after you" I call out to him and his friends as they leave. I quickly set the box next to the lion, I take one last glance over my outfit before I turn around and leave.

(At the ball)

I stand in front of familiar ballroom doors, this time I'm not being introduced to gems, this time I'm just going to go in and enjoy the ball without any pressure, what so ever.

I take a deep breath in, hold my head up high, and hit the panel that opens the doors. Music fills up the small hallway I'm standing in, I walk into the very crowded room. I spot Steven and Connie dancing with a multitude of different gems and fusions.

I also see Spinel dancing with Amethyst and a handful of other quartzes, and Pearl talking to Blue and Yellow Pearl. I carefully move towards one of the back corners of the room, once I'm there I look around the room trying to find Yellow, I don't think she's here. I'd would've spotted her by now.

I sadly sigh, guess I'll have to wait for some time. As I wait I eagerly watch the only door that we can fit through, and it hasn't been all bad, a lot of different gems came up to me to say hello and to congratulate me. One gem even brought me a tray of brown and white sweets, which attracted Steven and Connie. They then told me the sweets were called 'chocolate', and I told them I love the really dark ones, which turned out to be dark chocolate.

They did have to take the tray away from me before I ate it all, then the diamond doors opened and I got very excited, but then White Diamond appeared then the doors remained close for quite a while.

She seemed to easily notice my mood and made quickly walked over to me.

"I'm going to assume you're waiting for Yellow?" White rests her back against the wall.

"Well...yeah" I sigh "I wanted to surprise her by putting on the dress from my first ball" when I finished my sentence, White did a double-take on my outfit.

"Oh wow, I didn't even notice" She runs her hand over my covered arm "you still look as beautiful as the day you first put it on"

I blush from the compliment "look, this time I actually put on shoes!" I lift my dress and flaunt my boots.

White laughs "they're not the heels that go with the dress, but those are pretty close".

I let go of my dress "I don't understand how you and Yellow can wear something with heels, I'd trip in them very easily"

"Which is why I let you go barefoot" White smiles warmly.

I smile back. "Anyways, I've really only came to the ball to say hello to every, so after that, I'm probably going to leave" I nod as White pushes herself off of the wall and heads towards Steven and his friends.

I sigh and rest my head against the hard stone wall. I continue to watch the door until Yellow diamond finally walks through it. Happiness builds inside of me as she spots me.

She carefully makes her way across the very crowded ballroom floor, I frown as I notice a few sparks dance across her shoulders and chest.

She finally stops in front of me and sighs "I'm sorry for being so late, as soon as you pushed me out of your room a topaz said there was an emergency, so I had to deal with that, then I got a reminder that the ball has started so I quickly polished my armor and...wait..." Yellow takes a step away from me. A big smile creeps on to my face.

"Is that?" Yellow looks me up and down.

"In fact it is! I did have to make a few adjustments to the dress, but I kept it pretty much the same" I wrap my arms around Yellow, she does the same, she gives me a short but passionate kiss on the lips before she pulls away and leads me towards where everyone is dancing. "C'mon, let's join them."

"Okay, but only for a little bit" I grab her hand and wrap my arm and she twirls me.

We continue to dance for some time before I start to feel sick from all the chocolates, so we say goodbye and thank you to everyone before Yellow whisks me away to my room, where I then have a 'stomach ache' for a few hours.

I painfully groan into my plush pillow, Yellow lovingly rubs my aching pregnant belly.

"Just try to sleep" Yellow kisses my neck.

"C-can't.. hurts too much" I whimper.

"Steven said it'll go away soon, just sleep it off" Yellow slows down, she rubs slow soothing circles.

Unfortunately, her touch is very soothing, I can feel myself growing tired every second.

I let out a long yawn which turns into another groan "mmmm fine, I'll try to sleep, but I'm telling you it's not going to work" I grumble. I tightly close my eyes, trying to get my self to fall asleep.

It eventually works when I finally relax and mumble good night.

"Good night Blue" Yellow places a kiss on my head before I quickly pass out.

Splish

Splash

Sploosh

I'm going to bed, gn