#at least it's not just a general traumagenic fear this time. someone is actually trying to find her. but even so

[ehlnofay]

wip wednesday aka friday aka saturday three minutes from sunday

tagged by @wispstalk​ :) here is an excerpt of the current Long Thing I’m almost done working on, which is an extremely self-indulgent character study in which arabella, having been insane for the better part of a decade, picks a random place to sit down and declares “I’m going to be normal now.”

[sophieinwonderland]

- Sierra

Don't mind the font and color changes it's just easier for our eyes to register and read. Anyway, no shade. Idk others in our system might understand better than I can but I'm curious and can't leave things alone. So tulpamancy is a white washed practice. I'm just wondering why someone would want to split their psyche and continue to associate with something that's been stolen from another culture and religion? No shade, we have multiple interjects who began as oc's, one who formed from daydreams, and one of the hosts who was originally just an imaginary friend. You've mentioned or at least implied that your host may have had a troubled past, correct? Not that I'm saying y'all should just all the sudden force yourselves to go digging for trauma bc trust me that can end very badly if you and the body aren't ready. Another pattern I've noticed is that many tulpamancers seem to experience some form of dissociation or depression. Is it really that hard to consider that maybe there's more to it than just willing someone into existence for fun? Not trying to attack I promise.

I actually like the font. It's pretty!

Regarding the association, I think most tulpamancers try to distance the practice from its etymological roots. I'm not going to go too far into this because I've talked about it before, but at this point, the psychological practice is too tied to the name between community resources and psychological studies to divorce the two.

Additional, my understanding is that the practice was taught to the European woman who brought it to the West in the first place by the monks who practiced it, and a Tibettan translator was responsible for translating these Eastern concepts. I think the idea of the practice being "stolen" is a modern revision of history that erases the autonomy of people of color responsible for bringing knowledge of the practice here.

My host didn't really have a troubled past. He had a lonely and largely uneventful one, being homeschooled by a loving and supportive family. Imperfect, but not abusive. The most traumatic thing from his childhood was a toilet overflowing and flooding the entire house, giving him a fear of flushing toilets for about a year afterward.

There are no PTSD-like symptoms, nor any memory separation between us beyond the emotional separation.

I don't consider tulpamancy to be splitting the psyche. I think it's just creating someone new. But then, I also don't like the term split in reference to traumagenic systems either since it carries with it the implication of somehow being broken.

As for why, a lot of tulpamancers seek out the practice to deal with loneliness. Which gives it a particular appeal to those suffering from depression or social anxiety.

And I want to mention again that tulpamancers in the community who were surveyed generally reported the practice being beneficial to their mental health.

And I've previously talked about a study on evangelicals who used tulpamancy-like methods to speak to "God" in their head, and it was found that those with higher levels of absorption, which is generally seen as a non-pathological form of dissociation, were most easily able to communicate with "God."

Extrapolating from this, I think most plurality is inherently dissociative to some extent. But it doesn't necessarily have to arise from harmful forms of dissociation. And it appears that absorption can be trained over time like a skill.

There's definitely a lot more to it than simply willing someone into existence. It's a skill and a science that we don't really have a complete grasp on yet.

But it does not appear to require trauma or PTSD to achieve, and appears to be highly repeatable.

[monochromayhem]

Systemwise, we don’t know what to call ourselves...

You know how some people go through trauma and find God? Like the heavens part and they are told “I am here” or something? It was a similar experience with headmates. I’m experiencing weird questions so I guess it’s long post time!

Team Lucantia came when I was around fourteen or fifteen. My house was rife with high expectations for me and failure meant the loss of privileges like hanging out with friends (because social interaction is apparently a privilege and not a basic necessity of human functioning???). I began writing as a means to handle my loneliness. Usually I would do one of two things- bring myself to my characters’ world, or let the characters come to me. I called it “channeling” at the time, since it was something that required a lot of energy and often left me exhausted.

I think all along that exhaustion came from rapidly switching over and over and over again, since my novel series is dialogue-heavy. It’s benefitting my work- people who have read say the characters feel alive, they feel real (funny they say that, really). Even so, I didn’t talk about the off days- the days where I wasn’t writing and they’d continue to remark about things or have a conversation or- God forbid- front.

It isn’t that I hated them fronting, at least not when I was alone or with friends. It’s that certain members liked to act out. When my parents tried to take away the phone, an altercation that actually requires my mother the physically restrain me, Ink decided it would be a good idea to make threats. When my parents were already pissed off at the dinner table, Glasses would wind them up further because watching them get upset was genuinely funny to him. Wings? Wings would cry at every given opportunity, at everything that would possible upset someone of her age (she looks about twelve but she’s like half that age emotionally).

They didn’t really realize that I was at risk at the time, but they understand that now that I’m an adult and out of that house. Wings doesn’t really talk much but I’m sure if she met our current littles she’d have more to say.

That’s not even counting all the accents that I suddenly seemed to bear (thanks Glasses) that would freak mom and dad out. Needless to say it was a messy situation.

But origin wise, I’m not sure if it’s a pure traumagenic system. Maybe it’s because I am a spiritual person but I think there’s something weird and almost multi-dimensional at work here, if that makes sense.

Bear with us here.

Galaxy Squad is entirely Sonic the Hedgehog fictives from multiple sources. They came about this past year due to my trauma with my ex boyfriend, who literally told me I had no right to complain if I couldn’t help around the house (I had executive dysfunction issues).

Their sources seem to deviate from each other, but I’ll try to pinpoint each as best I can.

Blur is game canon, remembers Unleashed and Generations, but does not remember 06 or Forces (I think). Definitely remembers the events from 2001-2005 in general.

Cosmic remembers 2001-2005 as well, but remembers 06 because he’s talked about Mephiles. Though it’s confusing, I’m not sure if he remembers Forces or not- he’s concerned he might have actually done a very VERY bad thing but he doesn’t seem to remember doing it.

Mercury is Archie Canon, specifically Sonic Universe canon. He picked up menial labor waaay too quickly for my comfort and gets touchy at the term “teal-class”. He’s also obsessed with nature since his home is a concrete metropolis. He was one of two who entered via the summoning pool. It’s a baptismal font of white marble that is set in a room adorned with a chair, a basket with towels, and a stained-glass window appearing through the pool.

Phantom came through the pool approximately 15 minutes after first seeing him. Cosmic went to check and, of course, nearly got drowned in the pool for doing literally nothing to provoke him. Needless to say Phantom was touchy.

Somehow, Sunny was just lurking outside the house and found his way in. We made a truce that he can’t do bad stuff while he’s here. Not sure what the details were but needless to say he’s perfectly fine. Quiet and non-intrusive, but fine.

Amp, Ether, and Blue are all an interesting case because they are like Team Lucantia in that they came from something I created. Their doors just appeared in the endless hallway in headspace and just... found themselves here. They were really quiet for a while, but that’s because I have “sleepwalkers”- headmates who appear to be awake but are completely unaware of their surroundings, thus they are fleeting in consciousness.

Usually I imagine it’s accompanied by the first few notes of the Jaws theme when a sleepwalker gets close to the “living room”, which is within audible range of the front. It’s nerve wracking, tbh- they might wake but they might not.

Comet is a fusion of Blur and Cosmic. He’s kinda... full of himself sometimes? I mean, good for him for having high self esteem but like... we have a mirror and he stares at himself sometimes for a long time.

The summoning pool has some interesting notes I’ve made. For starters, it doesn’t appear to operate for just ANY type of teammate here- the only ones who have come through it appear to be people who have vanished or passed away. From the looks of it, it might catch people who die, disappear or are wiped from existence.

Take Mercury, for example, whose entire world was pretty much erased due to something called the “Super Genesis Wave”. He basically became identical to game canon afterwards. His timeline was literally erased!

And then there’s Phantom, who appeared to have ceased existing during the end of Forces, who just... appeared from the pool shouting 『まだ戦える！』 (I can still fight!). He seemed to have had a smooth transition between there and here.

Listen, I’m the one responsible for cataloguing how this place works, and if you ask me, this space has some weird things that don’t line up perfectly. I kinda like the seeming inconsistency- it’s a mystery that’s left unsolved and I can’t wait to decode it. But for now, it appears as though his ability to pull people forward is a gift, and the trauma merely acts as a key, of sorts.

We are still trying to figure this out, but Amp is correct. I am the spiritual type and I’m definitely someone who feels the term “channel” is appropriate in some sense- though I personally use the term “clicking” since it’s often in direct relation to interest that it happens, which makes the connection click and lock into place- but I definitely fear particular judgement because there are definitely leaps of faith that some people may have to make and just can’t.

It’s telling that it works like this for me. Practicing pagan stuff, I came to the conclusion that experiencing negativity makes the magic stronger for me. It’s the same with major faiths who believe in an exchange of suffering for blessings. Somehow, I think the pain I’ve dealt with has given me this capability, and if so it’s my responsibility to use it wisely.

I think the best thing to call my system is “trauma-gateway”.

I don’t think I’ll have new headmates anytime soon (fingers crossed) since I’m looking at the one-year mark of being untied from my ex, but I’m proud that I’ve learned to accept my identity. I realized I wasn’t as binary as I thought, that I was part of a system, that I COULD live “alone” and be happy. While I definitely wish I could have been with a flesh-and-blood partner, I would rather get myself into a place of comfort before I think about such things. Besides, Phantom has to like them, too.