#aurii:rants

[detectivesappho]

I feel like the horrors of your posts not showing up in tags is not a wide-enough topic.

[detectivesappho]

THE DEMO IS RELEASED.

i cant access

YOU ALL CRASHED IT SKSKSKS

[detectivesappho]

devil hearts that mourns

A/N: I did not outline, I vibed for a whole hour to write this done, barely any edit. You won't see any product like this because Im trying to cure perfectionism. @seravadumortain . The denial is fucking real here. +Im going back to outlining after this, oml, the amount of times I did NOT know what to do is just. Oof. ps. but also maybe not as this is a lot more fun and easier to do, oof. Please do share thy opinions and criticisms.

Wordcount: 1295

Tags: Angst, Denial over feelings, Unsure over feelings, Mutual Pining, They just won't get together.

Summary: Farah is gets physically hurt when Detective Azalea chooses to save Sanja. She regrets.

cr. to 'Accident' by Chrystos for "give me a word for pain that is sharp enough."

--

She doesn't move.

( do you know pain? )

She can't move, that is the most frightening of things. The world--- time, its hands clicking, brushing numericals on the clock but her feet stays steady on the ground. Her knees doesn't buckle. But her eyes see red beyond what others see.

She sees Farah's blood.

Her blood staining her pretty fingers.

( give me a word for pain that is sharp enough )

The numericals, they pass pass pass. She can't reach out and stop it from ticking. Nat moved her to a place, safe enough, she said. They're back in the agency, she whispered.

She closes her eyes.

She does not know how long she is there, still. The others leave her behind. When she opens her eyes, it's only Morgan who stayed.

"Is she alright?" Her dry throat is parch, she can only croak out the words. Morgan takes the cigarette off her lips, blowing off smoke.

She nods, after a moment.

"She is."

"And?"

"She doesn't take the injury serious enough." She scoffs.

( a word that is more rain than sunshine, more wreckage than storm . )

"Oh." She says this as others would say surprise. When she was young, she learned to close herself off. It is better, she would say. Less hurt, lesser hurts--- Azalea would sing this like a church's chorus in her head. Until really, she can't feel anything.

Morgan doesn't mind it, from across.

"She's looking for you."

Azalea frowns, turning away, lips pursed.

"I know."

"You don't." Morgan barks out a satirical laughter. "If you did, you'd be there. She refuses to sleep and its taking a toll."

She sighs, looking up to meet matching grays.

"Do I look like I care?" Azalea shifts, standing from the sofa. When she blinks, the world clears a little to tell her they were in the lounge, the soft colors hurting her eyes, only reminding her of what she did. What she's done.

She runs a hand over her hair. "Look, I saved Sanja. I don't think I---"

Morgan snaps. "If you saved Sanja then stop moping about the fact you did."

Azalea flinches.

"You want to leave?" Morgan raises a brow, opening up her arms. "Feel free to. I'm just saying what Ava told me."

The vampiir looks away, returning to her unfinished cigarette. Morgan doesn't say, Farah wants you. She most especially didn't say, that's what Ava told me.

But the woman implies it.

She closes her eyes.

Takes a heavy inhale in, and here, Atlas, she would say, this weight of the air is like a hundred worlds behind my back.

She leaves the lounge.

( let us sing a song for the lovers, where they kiss under the birth of the sun and love under aging moons. let us sing a song of werewolves, all bite and claws, all-devouring and lust. )

She finds her way around the maze, until she reaches where, supposedly, Farah would be. Ava is outside, as if waiting. She looks. Azalea meets her eyes.

Ava sighs.

"She won't lay down, but the medication will soon kick in. Dr. Tuft managed."

Morgan didn't say that. But Azalea nods, either.

"Morgan told me, some."

There's a twitch on Ava's lips. Azalea wonders, for a moment, what happened while she was in a daze. While she saw Farah lying on the ground and she just completely froze herself inside to out.

Azalea walks past Ava, about to open the doors---

"She says its not your fault." She stills. Ava continues. "I--- we, do not put blame for the choice you had to have made."

Ava and her had butted harsh heads the first time they met. But she too, was the first person Azalea could get close to.

She sighs.

There's a little smile on her face, just soft.

"Thank you."

She pushes open the doors. Her grey eyes meets the sun.

( or, if not a song, then an elegy. an epic of lesser goddesses and mortal maidens. of the naiads that took princesses, the driads that loved the maids. if not epic, then true story, long novel, or fairytale. the cinderella-knight and her rogue-ish princess. )

"Finally." Farah huffs from the bed. But Azalea is startled, slightly, by a bright unicorn pendant hanging by the bed, some guardian that adds a little brightness in the dull, white-gray walls. Farah shifts lightly, flinches when she seems to have nudged a sore spot. Azalea is quick by her side, easing her lightly back down.

"I wanted to sit."

"You needed to rest."

Farah scrunches her nose. "Do I, majestic being, deserve rest in this hospital bed?"

Azalea snickers. "What do you deserve? A coffin to sleep in?"

"As if I'd die from lack of rest!"

Azalea looks her over.

"You look good enough to play the part."

Farah groans, but there's a small, relieved smile on her face, she gestures for her to sit. She does. Azalea smiles a little too, before she looks away, trying to blink away the tears.

She saved Sanja, not her. Not even when she pleaded for it.

"It's my fault." Azalea gasps out, the torrent of guilt washing over her like a thousand foot wave devouring sea caves. "I just---"

"I don't hate you for it."

"I'll do the part of hating, as if I haven't done it before." Azalea huffs. "Just. Hate me. Tell me you're disappointed and---"

"And you're telling a patient who desperately needs to rest work up enough a temper to get mad at you?" Farah chuckles, but her eyes soften when she turns to Azalea. "I can't blame you, silly. I love you too much for that, and know you enough as well."

Azalea flinches at the confession. Hearing heartbreak than love, hearing pain than love.

"Can you not say things like that?"

"What?" Farah raises a brow, "Love?"

"I'm not denying. I just. I don't think I'm---"

"I'll wait." Farah yawns. "For now, play big spoon?" She curls on her side, looking at Azalea. Like these, these moments where she says, don't leave, Azalea can never deny even though she knows she should.

Love, and pain. Its like she can't leave it as long as its Farah who gives and takes. As if she is willing to open herself up unconsciously even if her lips says no. Willing to take out her heart.

"Alright." She sighs, taking her place beside Farah, who fits around her, placing her head on her arm as she gives a content sigh. Azalea looks over her features, then gives a grunt.

"When you're like this, you're making me love you more."

"Then why don't we just get together?" She pipes up in her arms.

"Didn't you say you'd wait?" Azalea chuckles.

Farah gives an exaggerated, and exhausted gasp. "Why wait when you know you could just get together already?"

Because you can say you want it, but not take it for yourself. Like all lovers in television where they could have it and yet not reach out and take it.

"I need to fix something of myself." She replies. Fix things as in her fear for the unknown. Fix as in what she is, human-skin and monster-flesh. Fix as in she's still carrying her burden and she doesn't want to let Farah carry it. "Then maybe, just maybe."

Farah doesn't reply for a long moment, Azalea closes her eyes too.

"I like you no matter what." There's the careful whisper, Azalea could just barely hear. Her heart pounds loudly in her chest, and she wonders if Farah could her thoughts. "But at least you didn't say no." Azalea would laugh then, but lethargy takes her quick, especially with such a warm, love-heavy body curled by her side.

[detectivesappho]

im not sure who's sobbing louder: the rain, the internet ( getting crashed by the rain ), dashingdon crash, or... like me ;-;

im sorry dear neighbors.

it's not the ambulance you hear.

it is me. 😃

ps. no one is dying in my house dw. thank you for asking, neighbor 😂.

[detectivesappho]

im trying to write after bursting out three one-shots at once. oh gods, i feel drained. but i just have to get this nat one shot done today--- wish me luck uwu.

[detectivesappho]

i forgot to say i haven't edited PROPERLY the farah cuts the detectiives hair oneshot. i'll edit it later when i feel like it ahh.