#b/c im afraid of disappointing myself

[xannerz]

i miss making art

[zukkacore]

⭐️ something you're so proud of that you wanted us to notice but we haven't yet bc !!! it's all so good and we are Sick in the Head

mmmm.... I think while I'm here I'm gonna expose myself for the derivative hack i am and go thru all the stuff that are nods to other things I like! & maybe explain a little if i feel the need to flap my arms excitedly about it. PART 2 | PART 3

"it's you" "its me" - the opening. Obviously hadestown! Obviously it's the thing they say each other when Orpheus rescues Eurydice from the underworld, so is that not similar to healing someone from being dropped lol

This is such a strange pull, but when Jace says "He feels so… small. Like he’s getting the silent treatment from a disappointed parent. Maybe that’s why Porter always felt so familiar to him" I was actually thinking abt bojack horseman. Diane comes from a home full of dysfunction & for some reason I can't get the time she told him "you're the biggest asshole I know and the only thing that makes sense to me" out of my head.

"maybe it was nothing, but he swears he could feel the warmth of a hearth, and her reaching out for him once more" — Kinda a stretch but this was meant to evoke a Hadestown kinda feeling as well. Obviously b/c Ankarna is rage n the sun and the infernal realm is full of the fire motif i wanted to use a hearth b/c there's a more positive connotation w/ fire but. Just the general vibe of "I want a nice soft place to land, I wanna lie down forever". A big point of Jace's resentment at his situation is rage at being denied life but even rest.

The Motivational Poster: PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY n "Instead, an unwilling shriek of a laugh erupts from his throat, and Jace clamps down on his own mouth in horror." that leads into “Incredible,” says Porter, watching in bemusement as Jace tries to fight back tears and laughter brought on by shock. There’s a shooting pain in his sides, he’s shaking so hard. The poster is just so ugly, and he’s so fucked, and he’s in so much pain. - This is such a weird pull. Obviously the poster is meant to be silly and ironic, but i'm skating past that. Actually, I was thinking abt Brennan's story abt the car crash he experienced from Dirty Laundry. He tells his story abt how the car trenched a crater and came just shy of a woodchuck hole and he went to rescue his milano cookies from the car and he was like. Laughing from the shock of it all. I think this idea of laughing out of shock & like amazement n reconciling your own mortality was just very true and striking. Like to me that's kinda what is going on here to me. It's like. Jace is laughing bc the poster is so ugly bc also b/c its like. Wow im so screwed over im so fucked i'm so painfully mortal and my grasp on life is so tenuous and my mortality as a half elf was always something i was aware of and anxious of and feared and avoided looking directly at but in this moment there's a weird. Power in it. A relief in it. An I've always been afraid of death, in fact i'm so afraid of death I chose servitude (and porter) over hell, but he's realizing his power in this situation. He's always viewed himself as dispensable but Porter doesn't need any old spellcaster for the plan, he wants it to be jace.

THE CREASE BETWEEN JACE'S EYEBROWS: “I’ve never seen you so thrilled at your own mortality. I said last week you had a crease between your eyebrows and the next day you called in sick.” and “The line. Between your brows. Right… there. It—“ and “It… used to only show up when you were angry with me, but—” and the times Porter brings up in the flashback. Obviously this thing makes an appearance several times. I feel like this one is maybe a little on the nose, this is When Harry Met Sally. There's something about the intimacy of noticing small details about people that i love in Harry's final speech to sally. something like "I love the little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like i'm nuts!" And it keeps coming back b/c like. Its intimacy. Of noticing the details of someone. But also. The reminder of aging. It used to only show up when he was angry—angry with Porter. Again, that concept of anger, of rage. But also, it's sort of just become on of Jace's wrinkles on his face. Due to stress or aging, could be both. Porter's impact on him. But also. That's just the nature of change. That's just the reminder of Jace's mortality.

"He tries to recall anger, but he’s found it completely dissolved. Even with the shatterstar, it’s impossible." This is also When Harry Met Sally. When Harry gives Sally his big speech, she says "You see, harry? That is just like you, Harry. You say these things and you make it impossible for me to hate. you! And I hate you harry. I really hate you". This was kinda my take on that. Porter keeping piling on the compliments about Jace's appearance, but there's also this noticing of something kinda intimate and personal and imperfect, too. Doing something offbeat that throws jace (and being thrown offcenter being kinda like a whole Trope for jaceporter bc their first interaction being jace saying "everything you say is creepy"). And for someone who clings to the pass, he sure keeps mentioning this sign of Jace's mortality. Sign of his aging. Something about Sally saying she hated harry really just fit here b/c like. Porter is a centerpiece for rage and betrayal for Jace. His whole Thing is rage, and there's that betrayal of y'know. Being killed and brought back wrong by your situationship. Yet there's this strange and intimate acknowledgement of his impermanence and aging that like. Kinda moves jace. (There's also the fact that he's letting go some of his anxiety about aging n death in this fic b/c he's trying to reclaim his power by essentially using his mortality as like. A tool to protect himself from Porter). There's also the tragic fatalistic "I was made to love you" angle that is kinda the undercurrent in this fic. Like. Jace wants to be angry with Porter. But even though he has literally been contorted into a being who like. Runs on rage. In this moment, he cannot find his anger.

"He needs to do something stupid. Again, it’s in his nature. His bones ache down to the marrow for him to cave to impulses that will ruin his whole life. He can see the car crash, but he knows what he’s going to do. He’s known from the minute he Dimension Doored them into Porter’s office." This is such a Fleabag moment lol. There's a scene where she's telling her therapist that she wants to fuck a priest (which is already like SO Jaceporter coded b/c the therapist is like "do you want to fuck a priest or do you want to fuck god" and she says "can you fuck god?" "oh, yes" which like. IS ALSO EXTREMELY RELEVANT TO WHATS GOING ON IN IYWD b/c its just like does Jace love Porter as a man or as his creator? Does he want someone he could do laundry and taxes with or does he want someone to Tell Him What To DO. On some level Jace loves Porter as he is but also there's so much talk later on of Jace essentially wanting to be possessed and yanked around by him and told what to do etc etc). Anyway. she's begging the therapist to tell her what to do and the therapist is like. "You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does. You've already decided." Anyway. I had such a hard time trying to find a Reason for Porter and Jace to just like. Want to sleep with each other and take that step. But I. Realized that Jace has. Ankarna in him and she has shaped so much of how he has become post-shatterstar. Every moment of conviction and decisiveness and seizing of the moment is like. That becomes a Statement. That's all an invocation of Ankarna. He always knew he was going to return to Porter, to try and sleep with him because he has all of ankarna's conviction. And that could be contrived but I think that actually matters so much when the story is about how trauma has changed Jace, but also how being remade has changed jace and how he feels alienated from who he used to be. And again, there's the undercurrent of fatalism b/c he was made to love Porter. This was always going to happen

[jaeminsskittles]

Obession - Han Jisung

Parts 4-6

Warning ⚠️:

Hello! It’s jaemins skittles here! I just wanted to warn you that this story does contain sexual/sensitive content so if you are uncomfortable with that please stop reading. Go check out some of my other posts on my page that are a little more appropriate. Do not report just ignore or block. Thank you! Enjoy!

Part 4

Y/N POV:

He tied my arms behind my back again and tied my ankles together. “Kneel down, now.” He demanded. He was holding a whip in his left hand. I knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to whip me until I started bleeding. I did as I was told to avoid getting whipped. He smirked and stroked himself infront of me. “Look at how cute you look, so submissive towards me.” He said with a devilish smile. “Suck it.” He said in a demanding tone. As much as I didn’t want to, I wanted him to fuck me so bad. It was very hard to resist him. I started to kiss the tip as he groaned once my lips came in contact with his member. After a few kisses, I put him into my mouth and started to suck him off. After a while, I felt his hands grab my head. He started to thrust into my mouth, causing me to gag a bit. “S-Shit im gonna cum~” he said as he sped up. Suddenly I felt hot liquid hit the back of my throat and fill up my mouth. He pulled out and traced my lips with his dick. “Swallow it you cum slut.” He bluntly said as I swallowed his hot cum. He smirked and grabbed my hair. “On your stomach, ass up.” He demanded as he played with the whip, indicating that i should obey unless I wanted to get whipped. I nodded and did as I was told. Once I was in his desired position, I felt cold leather slap against my ass. I whimpered in pain. He chuckled and did it again causing me to cry out. He then put down the whip for a bit and started to lick my pussy. He then inserted three fingers, causing me to moan. “O-oh fuck~” I moaned as he picked up the pace. “Yeah you like that dont you, you little cum slut. That’s what you are, a cum slut. I can’t wait to dump all my cum into you whenever I want.” He said as my walls started to clenched around his fingers. My legs started trembling. “C-cumming~” i moaned as my juices started to spill all over his fingers. He grabbed the whip and whipped me again. I winched in pain again. “Stupid girl. You weren’t supposed to cum yet.” He said as he slammed into me. I arched my back in pain. “T-too b-big~” i said as I started to silently cry. He groaned and wrapped his hand around my neck. He came close to my ear and started to fuck me with no mercy. “Get used to it princess, your my cum slut from now on.” He whispered, sending chills down my spine. His fingers traveled up to my mouth and were inserted into it. “Shut up and take this dick like a good cum slut.” He said as he started to go faster. I felt like cumming again and dug my nails into his arm. He groaned and pulled my hair with his free hand. “Are you close? Because if you are and you think I’m gonna stop, you’ve got another thing coming.” He said as his thrusts starting to become sloppy. He hugged me tightly as his dick twitched inside me and released his warm liquid. He then pulled out and grabbed the whip. He started to whip my back, leaving red marks all over it. “Don’t dig your nails into my body ever again.” He said bluntly as he kept whipping me. After a few more whips, my body fell onto the ground unable to take anymore whips. He stopped and put down the whip. He came over to me and lifted my face. “On your back, now.” He said as started to move towards my legs. I did as I was told and laid on my back.

He untied my legs and spread them apart. “Look at this sight. Too bad it’s gonna get ruined tonight and for the rest of your life.” He said as he flashed me a smirk. I gulped. Rest of my life? Is that how long I’m gonna be here? He lined himself up with my entrance and started to slam into me again without mercy. I cried silently and held back my moans as he chocked me with one of his hands and played with one of my boobs with the other. That night he fucked me 9 times. He filled me up nine times back to back, without taking any breaks. I hated him but I loved him. I didn’t want to love him but I couldn’t not love him. After he finished his last round, he got dressed and left me on the cold floor. I was naked and cold. I was scared for myself and my future. Was I really not going to see my family anymore? Was I really going to stay here for the rest of my life? “Sleep well my little cum slut.” He said as his figure disappeared up the stairs.

-I hate you but why can’t i stop loving you-

Part 5.

Jisung’s POV:

It’s been a month since I kidnapped y/n and left her in the basement. I called her work place and told her that she was going to be back in a month because she was attending to family business in another town. No one could know that I had her here. No one could know what I did. I grabbed a tray of food for her and headed towards the basement. When I opened the door, I saw a small figure laying down on the floor watching kids cartoons. It was y/n. You see, we came to an agreement a few weeks ago about how she wanted to live in the basement since she wasn’t allowed to leave for awhile. She decided to have a daddy/babygirl relationship so she wanted to be treat like a child. She’s always had an age play kink. She looked so cute in her tight dress as she sucked on her pacifier. When she saw me walk towards her she jumped up and hugged me, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and hugged her back. I felt bad for kidnapping her but I wanted to be near her all the time and having her in my home was easier for me to make sure she was safe and she wasn’t cheating. She broke the hug and sat down infront of me. “Daddy, is that my lunch?” She sounded a bit disappointed. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Yes it is babygirl, is there something wrong with it?” I asked knowing where this was going. She nodded and crossed her arms while making a pouty face at me. “It doesn’t have your special sauce on it.” She said turning her body away. Her lunch was a salad since I wanted to make sure that she was healthy. “But dont you prefer dressing over my special sauce.” I said as I put the tray down infront of her. She shook her head. “I like it better with your sauce.” She said as she started to give me the puppy dog eyes. I sighed and nodded. “You’re lucky that your daddy loves you.” I said as I started to undo my pants.

Y/N POV:

I hated this but I also loved it. At this point I think that I’ve developed Stockholm syndrome. I wanted to leave this place but for some reason I couldn’t. As he undid his pants, he got down on his knees and started stroking his large member. No matter how many times I saw it, I would never get tired of it. “You like what you see babygirl?” He asked as he started to stroke it. I nodded. He smirked and threw his head back as his strokes started to become more faster. I started to get wet at this sight. Since he had his head thrown back, he couldn’t see what I was doing. I couldn’t help myself and started to touch myself through my laced thong. I tried to hold back my moans as he kept touching himself. I heard him clear his throat. I opened my eyes and saw an upset Jisung looking at me. “What have i said about touching yourself?” He said as he stopped stroking himself. “I-I’m sorry daddy I-I couldn’t help myself..” I said as I looked down at the floor. “Well you need to eat first, I’ll punish you later.” He said as he started to stroke himself again. I kept quiet and kept my gaze on the floor. I heard him groan loudly as his cum was spread across my food. He pulled his pants up again and smirked. “Here is your food.” He said pushing the tray closer to me. I smiled and nodded. “Thank you daddy~” I said as I started to eat. “You’re welcome babygirl. But don’t be surprised if I’m not so nice to you later.” He said as he walked up the stairs and left me. He closed the door and locked it. I ate my salad and drank my juice. I sighed and shook my head. Is this really what my life has come to? Acting like a little girl for a psycho? I sighed again and redirected my attention towards the tv again.

~Fast Forward: 8:30pm~

I entered the basement with a pair of pink handcuffs. I was going to punish y/n for touching herself without permission. She was on the floor playing with some of her toys as the tv was showing cartoons. I smirked and walked down the stairs. She stopped playing and crossed her legs. She patiently waited to receive her punishment. I walked over to her and brushed my hand against her cheek. “Hello babygirl~ are you ready for your punishment~?” I asked as she started to play with a strand of her hair. She nodded. I smirked and pulled her up. “Come let’s pick out a gag~” I said as I dragged her towards the table on the other side of the basement. She chose the pick gag and handed it to me, indicating that she wanted me to put it on her. I nodded and put it on her. I brought her back to where she originally was and turned her around. I grabbed her arms and cuffed her.

-It’s time for your punishment babygirl-

Part 6

Y/N POV:

He pushed me up against the wall and grazed his lips close to my jaw. “What have I told you about touching yourself babygirl?” He asked as he lifted up the skirt of my dress. I gulped, afraid that he would whip me. “N-no touching without daddy’s permission.” I said as his cold hands traced circles on my ass. He slapped it causing me to whimper in pain. “So then why did you babygirl~? Why did you disobey daddy?” He asked as he slapped my ass again. I moaned in pain as he started to choke me. “I-I couldnt h-help myself” I said as I looked at him with pleading eyes. All I saw was pure darkness in his eyes. He shut me up with the gag and unzipped his pants. “We’ll learn to contain your emotions then.” He said bluntly as he started to tease me. He rubbed his dick on my pussy lips, lubing it up so it would slid in easily. I whined through the gag, causing him to grab my hair and pull it. “Shut up cum slut, I know you like to be punished.” He said as he slowly inserted himself into me. I rolled my eyes back into my head and moaned. He started to kiss my neck and leave hickeys on it, marking what was his. I moaned and threw my head back onto his shoulder. I felt his hot breath on my neck as he heavily panted. I started to silently cry. Not because of my punishment but because I let myself fall into this situation. I didn’t want to be near this man for another second but I couldn’t escape. I need to earn his trust. He licked the side of my face and kissed it. “Fuck you’re so tight you little cum slut.” He said as he was close to reaching his high. I was too. He hugged me tight as his dick twitched inside of me. I came all over his dick as he groaned at the tightness he felt around his member. He turned me around and forced me onto my knees. He pulled up a chair and sat down infront of me. “Look at how cute you look. But you would look better with my cum on your face.” He said as he started to stroke himself. I nodded in agreement. He chuckled and threw his head back as he moaned my name. After a few more pumps of his dick, he came all over my face. He repeated this action atleast 12 times if not more. By the time he was done with his punishment, I was all covered in his semen. He took off the the gag and uncuffed me. I picked me up and took me up the stairs. “You need a shower.” He said as he walked towards the bathroom upstairs. He always gave me a bubble bath. After he finished bathing me, he brought me down stairs again and tucked me into my bed. “Have you learned your lesson babygirl~?” He asked as he kissed my forehead. I nodded and smiled. He smiled in return and gave me a plushie. “Well sleep tight.” He said as he kissed my cheek and walked towards the staircase. I drifted off to sleep.

~4 months later~

It’s been four months since Jisung kidnapped me. He let me go back to work, but he would always attach a mic and camera to me so he could see what I was up to and to make sure I was being faithful to him. I thought it was literally insane how he didn’t trust me as much as I thought he did. One day he was late for work and forgot to attach the mic and camera onto me. He told me that he was going to be busy all day, so I knew that him checking up on me was going to be rare. I sighed and walked to the bus stop. As I was there, I saw my coworker Alexia walking towards me. “Hey Y/N!” She said with a smile on her face. “Hey Alexia!” I said as I waved back to her. She hugged me. “It’s been a while since we’ve talked to each other. How’s your life been going?” She asked as she sat down beside me. I was silent for a few seconds before she spoke up again. “Did something bad happen?” She asked with a concerned tone. I looked around me to see if anyone was looking and I got close to her ear. “You’ve got to help me Alexia. My boyfriend is a literal psycho. He kept me in his basement for months and is planning to keep me down there for the rest of my life!” I whispered. She covered her mouth in shock. “What?! Does he hurt you?” She asked as she held my hands. I nodded and lifted up the pack of my shirt to show her the whip marks he left on me. She gasped, unable to say anything. She hugged me and shook her head. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I will try to help you.” She said with a determined look on her face. Suddenly the bus came and we both got on. The whole way to the office we talked about everything that I went through for the past few months and how Jisung isn’t the person people think he is. Once we got to the office, she hugged me one last time and gave me a sympathetic smile. “Let’s get some lunch during break, what do you say?” She asked with hope in her eyes. I nodded in agreement. “Ok! I’ll see you at 12! Meet me by the cafeteria.” She said as she waved goodbye and headed over towards her cubicle. I waved back and walked towards my cubicle. I sat down and sighed. I needed to escape from Jisung’s house, if I don’t I could probably die or something and no one would know. I’m not even allowed to visit my family. Suddenly I came up with a plan. Tomorrow when he’s out working, I’ll pack up all of my things and meet alexia at the bus stop. It was simple and risky but doable.

-Tonight im escaping your hell hole Jisung-

[highpriestessofchildsacrifice]

hey re your post about not meeting academic deadlines. I’ve been in almost the same situation for the last couple of months and literally spent the last week dealing with the fall out. The moment I even vaguely told a teacher about it it felt like I could just keep going and being more and more honest. I felt a lot lighter- the feeling of self sabotage and helplessness and also guilt started to go away. PT 1 about to send more

PT 2 And people offered to help me with stuff and where super supportive- I even got a lot of enthusiastic suggests that I drop this or that and focus on my own happiness (which I have now done). Cause life is about balance and sometime you just aren’t in a place to do something right now. I guess my point is that things will be okay and asking for help when you feel like you don’t know or can’t get out on your own really does work. it was really that first moment of telling a person I t

Pt 3 anyway I hope you get these and you don’t have to publish them to respond if you don’t want to. Reading your post just seriously reminded me of my experience and I hope me relating it helped you. Good luck with everything I hope you have a good day!!

PT 4 last thing to add it’s not like everything is perfect now or anything (I still feel disappointed in myself even though that’s not a helpful emotion and I shouldn’t feel guilt about protecting my health and quality of life). But talking to people and actively changing my commitments and priorities really helped. It’s already really impressive that you can even article your situation enough to post on tumblr b/c I was silent about my situation for months! You are so strong and you got this!

im a little overwhelmed by this so i dont know what to say except thank you very much for writing this out and sharing this part of yourself w me. i actually wanted to keep this private, b/c what you’re saying is really hitting home, but i’m afraid tumblr might eat it if i leave it in my inbox. so i’m going to publish it to save it. also, i think this might help other ppl. ive been slowly doing the *changing commitments and simplifying my life* thing that you describe - taking fewer classes, dropping a major, minimizing extracurriculars, stopped working one of my jobs. but i think the problem is i’m still objectively doing a lot, or at least expected to do a lot even if i’m starting to fall apart disorder-wise. i don’t know. it’s really embarrassing when everyone in class knows i was a week late w my paper b/c it’s a 8 person workshop and my thesis partner didnt have time to read it l o l . But alas that’s the Ls we gotta swallow unless we reach out and that’s gonna be my next step

[pr0sciutt0]

just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3 

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY. 

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I remember when dad couldn't pick me up after our 2nd transfer bus got pulled out from dropping me and the other kids in my neighborhood. It was bus 130.

That whole end of my 7th grade year, I walked the way home by myself. I cut through northern high parking lot and around that big ol' man made water basin that they had there. It stood across the view of a gas station and a Publix. Man, did they have some good ass chocolate chip cookies, not too hard and not too doughy. It was like a soft, hard cookie dough cookie that barely browned in the oven, but just enough for the thick chocolate chunks to melt in your mouth with that buttery dough. I never walked over there though because...mom wouldn't have allowed it...and I was way too scared and nervous to run across the street with those cars there. (Vs now, I do that as a fun, little escape running super speed as soon as the walk light comes on lol 😆 mom and dad think I'm nuts for doing that cause they're afraid I could get hit. But when you blast Jasiah, Denzel Curry, and Suicide Boys in your Ear you feel like you can do anything. So I kick in nitro)

Anyways, the walk was about two to three miles, and at the time that was the longest mom and dad had ever let me walk by myself. Mom wasn't there because she had already moved to Mississippi for her new job. I wanted to help out Dad, since he had to pick up my sisters from school at the same time I got to our base for school bus dropoffs. It was so fun back then to ride the school bus. I always sat near the window, or at least tried....I hated sitting by people I didn't know because I was afraid people were gonna make fun of me for being big or having sweaty armpits. I have noooo idea why, but even my sisters went through it to around their puberty time. It's like our glands produced so much more sweat when we were stressed, working out, or just barely even sweating in Florida. Like all of my shirts always had this itchy, cracked, dry spots in the armpits because I had to swipe sooooo much deodorant on it was crazy. I remember counting it out, like 16, 27 times I would whip cream my damn armpits because kids make fun of you for being fat, now everytime they saw my sweaty, funky pits and yes they used to get that bad it was annoying as hellll. And Bighead used to make fun of me for that. I used to call him all types of names cause he was such an asshole to me and my friends, practically tortured me for fun all through out middle school until we later on had to move to Mississippi too from Florida.

I walked that walk because I never wanted to put my pride to the side and just ask Bighead, the idiot who lived in the same neighborhood as me, like I literally stayed about 10 min walk away...and I could see him and his mom and his sister, who I was friends with...drive pass me each and every day. I would listen to music on the radio with my earbuds in my turquoise mp3 player. They kept playing "There goes my baby" by Usher alot at that time.

I even remember reading The Giver on the walk home, because I really didn't wanna miss my favorite home TV shows like iCarly, sometimes Arthur or whatever cartoons on Cartoon Network.

I used to think about Bighead alot when that song would play at the same time his mom drove by. I still hated his guts though, always picking on me, being a hassle...it was a honest waste of a crush to have even liked him. He never changed as I found out later on in high school when we both reached back out to each other, on and off. Total jackass. Probably a narcissist...

Speaking of books, Ms. Simmons gave us this book about the holocaust called Night by Elie Wiesel. It was a good book and Im shocked crazy earring Ms. Simmons thought it was ok for us to read about kids and people getting hung, but I was glad she did. It had an audio book that cams with it, I almost wanted to watch it if they ever made it into a movie.

I think Ms. Simmons might have inspired me to wear different, quirky earrings like that. Cause she was the 1st white woman I ever seen wear them like that or even asymmetrical earrings. She loved alot of color and if she wore cherries, she had cherry earrings, sorta like that. Matchy-matchy. She even had a candy cart after school so I sorta liked her for being creative. That was until she pissed me off about a test,

And I don't play about my tests.

My ass was on the line, that's why.

I hated getting bad grades at home, because who do you think starts checking up on you more??

Yea, and I hate being micromanaged...if I even got a C or a low B, dad would lecture me on doing a better job cause he didn't want my grades to fall 😒 I always tried to explain myself when I felt like it was an unfair grade cause some people put trick questions or essay sections. And I used to hate those. Now I double check everything and I have alot more to say, instead of being afraid that I'll get it wrong, fucking up my chances to get a closer chance at an A or a B. Daddy said to always go for A's, always do your best. But that meant cramming my short term, photographic memory with alot more papers and notes.

Boy did I used to hate taking notes. Now after everything, I see I need notes to keep up on knowledge and bullshit from misinformation given to me by other people.

I used to actually be so innocent, only caring about not disappointing my parents and not making them look bad when we go to school or go out with them in public. And of course kicking Bighead in the nuts everytime he made me feel like the ugliest girl in school just because he made a comment about my fat rolls popping out in my bright, tight, stretchy cotton tshirts or from me not smelling good from being sweaty 🙃 he had a whole bunch of people I didn't even know, just laughing at me just because he made it seem like it was ok for them to laugh at me because he was. He started it. And it kept going 6th and 7th grade...it followed me all the way until I....well until I realized Darius wasn't my person either 😑

Fairytales and movies blew up these love scenarios, and even in anime or Korean dramas (based on Japanese anime) where the quiet, shy girl ends up falling for the aloof, emotionally unavailable guy who's cute and he's popular, "but oh, he would never talk to me or look at me that way" sighhhh, babygirl feeling.

Then at the end he reveals his true feelings and it turns out he made her suffer and wait for him for so long, just because he was too shy to tell her or too ashamed because he didn't want to be made fun of by his friends. And then they kiss and live happily ever after.

That's what the old me in middle school and high school used to think of love in high school was like. Boy, was I stupid 🤣 that's the most dumbest shit I ever heard. People wtfff???!! Why the fuck is it expected for us to be submissive, take this boy's bullshit and commital issues to just you, as if him showing you any kind of attention is worthwhile the wait as if he's the best thing in the world, letting you into his circle like he's vip. Which is not true. Because when you look at somebody like that for so long and then you let them get away with treating you like shit, just because you like them...is so not cool and you deserve better. Looks can only last so long.

And maybe that's why I had to look at that lesson again from somebody like Jay, chubby, but cute, but still not as masculine as Bighead, where at home in Florida, boys who didn't care about you as much, athletes, and mixed/black/white/Asian skinnier people were popular and you weren't....because of your clothes, shoes, your big hands, big feet so you had to wear boy shoes, your thick, strong legs, your height, your double chin, your sweaty gland disorder from puberty, your fat rolls on your back, and even your backpack....was not cool or even popular.

You were different so you just didn't fit in with everybody. But it made me feel alone, cause nobody new looked at me, talked to me, or even asked me where I got my new Adidas (cause I actually did like Adidas).

After awhile I stopped caring and didn't care to give new people a try. I'd rather eat by myself than to eat with people who made me feel unwelcome with stares, stressing me out because I don't know what they're judging me on or was gonna comment on me next. It was so aggravating for me just to speak to someone random unless we had to because of class. I really don't remember nobody was calling me ugly, but just for them to comment on anything little thing or how my hair looked like momma did, really hurt.

And it was mindfucking me. Because the people I ended up running away to, did the same thing as them. Reminding me of home in Florida, where comments felt like mom's pinches. Reminding me that I'm not doing a good enough job of representing her, or just looking good enough to be liked or told I looked great today. Because I rarely got compliments until I got a perm redid, or I got braids. I'm glad I rebeled against perms because my ends kept breaking off and I would hate how rough the texture would get and I wore bonnets/wraps that kept falling off because I'm a wild sleeper, always kicking and moving around. Maybe that wasn't a good mattress match for me idk....but taking care of permed hair was so frustrating. They said don't use too much heat to flat iron or flat iron too much, but your hair don't look good as is, not being straight and I hated how that Florida humidity would poof up my hair because our school was not an all indoor school. There was only the 7th grade hallway and the gym in AC, but everything was fucking outdoor, concrete style. So you was always hot, always sweaty. So not the same in Michigan. I always thought I looked like Dora with my orange tan and black Bob hair. I never liked taking pictures in middle school because I felt so ugly just because no boy at school had asked me out, and the boy I wanted was a little ass, scrawny, bony bully, picking on me at school for how I looked and how I dressed, and my sweaty, funky pits and even my boobs. He made me hate my big boobs. He always made fun of them in how I ran when he would pass me on the track with his friends. It was hard enough to have older boys say something when you got DD's at such a young age....I hated them. I would have donated mine to the girl with A cups because I hated them being made fun of or being commented on. It was embarrassing for me when ppl would ask me what size are they and I felt pressured to say what size. I hated when a group of people would come up to me to say something, I would go defensive, excited, anxious, tense, and then almost ready to fight if they said something I didn't like to hear cause constant criticism made me not wanna hear any of it. And mom didn't make it no better "do you want people talking about you?" It was just a hassle to please her and she almost always bought clothes that either felt uncomfortable to wear, but was cute for her, so she made me wear it, or she just wanted it because of the patterns she liked. I rarely had a choice or say in anything. And that I didn't like too, because it's my body. But to them, it belonged to them and I had to do what they said. Wearing clothes that felt unreal, unmanageable because most of it in my closet weren't really mine, they were hers.

I guess she got the memo, so she started doing gift cards. I can't believe I used to wear fuchsia or hot pink so much and my skin color down there looked like a browned, golden-orange. We used to wear alot of orange and bright green too. Green and gold used to be mom's favorite colors. It reminded me of Christmas 🎄 which I also miss too.

Christmas in Florida used to be the greatest because we had a house full with aunty and uncle and the cousins. Flint used to feel the warmest because when we visited got the holidays, everybody was there. All in one place. We were together, celebrating, eating homemade country style, traditional food all night long, with the kids in my other grandma's basement watching movies and playing games, and the adults upstairs. I always felt like the baby and later on the middle child between both, child and adult.

And I'm kinda seeing now I got stuck this way, people pleasing towards both sides, between the adults and the kids because I was so used to being the middle man, the negotiator, the even-steven, fair and square, Charlie Brown in my family as being the oldest. I always felt the need to keep both sides on one accord, because sometimes we misunderstood each other. Cause that's the way dad brought it to me, he was Mr.negotiator between me and my mom growing up. He got to have fun and play games and sports, watch cartoons with me as a kid, and then at home with mom he would do romantic, adult stuff for mom like drink out of these expensive looking wine glasses and chocolate strawberries 🍓

[disabilitymissunderstood]

welp you guys been requesting me to do one, so here i did! enjoy!

1: Full name

Amy)I prefer alex) Kathrine 

2: Age/20

3: 3 Fears

men(i am working on it), small spaces and being forgotten

4: 3 things I love

animals, music, baking/cooking

5: 4 turns on

being held, kissing, hugging, and smiling

6: 4 turns off

yelling, being lied too, betrayal, being mean

7: My best friend

my dog

8: Sexual orientation

 g-a-y (remember i am both genders)

9: My best first date

never been on  a date D:

10: How tall am I

5′4 i am short :c

11: What do I miss

the old me, and my brother Micheal.

12: What time were I born

in the morning (dont know the time)

13: Favourite color

 red, black, grey, and white

14: Do I have a crush

yesss

15: Favorite quote

“people don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness”

16: Favourite place 

library, hot topic, humane society, pet-co/pet smart, cuddling with Gracie, in bed.

17: Favourite food

 pastaa and rice

18: Do I use sarcasm

A L W A Y S

19: What am I listening to right now

 never to late by three days grace

20: First thing I notice in new person

 there attitude 

21: Shoe size/ 8

22: Eye color/  B R O W N

23: Hair color/ B R O W N

24: Favourite style of clothing

anything from Hot topic/spencers

25: Ever done a prank call?

maybe when i was younger??

27: Meaning behind my URL/

i am disabled and just wanna let others that are aswell its okay to be different, you’re not alone<3

28: Favourite movie/ dogs purpose

29: Favourite song/ to many

30: Favourite band/ lots

31: How I feel right now

my neck is killing me >:(

32: Someone I love/ my dog

33: My current relationship status/ S I N G L E

34: My relationship with my parents/ good?

35: Favorite holiday

Christmas, thanksgiving, and Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

 piercings- my boobs, my septum and my ears (i plan on getting more) and tattoos i haven’t gotten around yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want/ check my blog

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

just to have a place to express my feelings and likes

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

Y E S 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yesss

42: When did I last hold hands?

yesterday!

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

like 10 mins

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

yus

45: Where am I right now?

in bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my brothers

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

currently living w my mom but i am going to be moving into my apartment soon!

49: Am I excited for anything?

moving into my apartment soon! also applying for college soon!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yes!

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

L O T S 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i would be balling rn

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yes

55: What is something I disliked about today?

nothing

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

mmm good question, probably ronnie radke

57: What do I think about most?

my future and sometimes my past...

58: What’s my strangest talent?

breathing

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

small places

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

some days behind it, others in front of it

61: What was the last lie I told?

mmmmm im not sure

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

texting

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes yes

64: Do I believe in magic?

yes

65: Do I believe in luck?

for other people? yes, but for me? no

66: What’s the weather like right now?

its storming (rain and thunder)

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

fifty shades of grey ^_^

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

yes ;,,,,;

69: Do I have any nicknames?

little one, poobear, princess

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

cut on my neck, deep scar on my arm, and my head

71: Do I spend money or save it?

save it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

no

74: Favourite animal?

slothes are so cute! (i generally don’t have a favorite animal i love all)

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

watching netflix

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

mmm don’t know

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

sunflower by post malone

78: How can you win my heart?

by me food and show me u actually love me

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“she was a hero”

80: What is my favorite word?

F U C K

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@foodie4ever @tropiclyy @sadviolences @traaumaa @beyondbrokenvixi

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

fuck you T R U  M P

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

don’t know

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

let me fly xD

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

good question, i am not sure.

86: What is my current desktop picture?

my dog

87: Had sex?

Y E S

88: Bought condoms?

mhm

89: Gotten pregnant?

almost

90: Failed a class?

yes :)

91: Kissed a boy?

yes 

92: Kissed a girl?

yus

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yes

94: Had job?

yes

95: Left the house without my wallet?

many times lmao

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

never

97: Had sex in public?

god no

98: Played on a sports team?

yes

99: Smoked weed?

yes 

100: Did drugs?

yes

101: Smoked cigarettes?

yes

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

V E G A N

104: Been overweight?

yes but currently trying to lose it!

105: Been underweight?

i used to be skinny...(used to be anorexic)

106: Been to a wedding?

yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes

109: Been outside my home country?

yes

110: Gotten my heart broken?

many times

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yes

112: Broken a bone?

yes

113: Cut myself?

i still struggle with it..

114: Been to prom?

no

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

yes

117: What concerts have I been to?

marianatrench, post malone, nickleback, miley cyrus, and justin bieber-

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119: Learned another language?

yes

120: Wore make up?

still do

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yes

122: Had oral sex?

yes

123: Dyed my hair?

many times

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes

125: Rode in an ambulance?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

yes

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

god no

129: Peed outside?

camping...

130: Been fishing?

love it

131: Helped with charity?

always

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yes

133: Broken a mirror?

yes

134: What do I want for birthday?

happinesss

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

i want atleast 4 or 6..

136: Was I named after anyone?

my grandfather(my dads dad) mother

137: Do I like my handwriting?

sure

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

barbie

139: Favourite Tv Show?

IZombie and big mouth

140: Where do I want to live when older?

in the country.

141: Play any musical instrument?

piano and drums

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

self-harm

143: Favourite pizza toping?

everything that isn’t meat

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

nah

145: Am I afraid of heights?

yes

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

when i was 12

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yes

148: What I’m really bad at

not yelling

149: What my greatest achievments are

graduating treatment 

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

“hey, i fucked your dead brother last night” ( a bully said that to me )

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy so many cane corsos

152: What do I like about myself

my personality 

153: My closest Tumblr friend

don’t have one

154: Something I fantasise about

a better life

155: Any question you’d like?

anything!

[floralmarsupial]

writing meme : karkat

Honestly whenever I’m writing Karkat the phrase “I DO WHAT I WANT“ just blasts in my head the whole time. Like he’s just so petty and stubborn when he get’s his mind set on something that he’ll do and say shit he doesn’t even particularly agree with to get a point across. That’s why convo’s with him can sort of go in circles sometimes because he’s just too set on A. B or C. to let it go. Other variants include  “I DO WHAT I WANT AND I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU” or “I KNOW THAT’S WHAT I SAID BUT IM CHANGING MY MIND, WHICH MEANS I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT”

That said there’s like this sweet spot that you hit on the Karkat friendship echeladder where he will throw a huge tantrum and all you have to do is say “chill” and he will immediately just “omg your so right” We see that with Kanaya, Sollux, Jade, and Dave. Like as stubborn as Karkat is, that attitude usually has a limit on itself and either someone he respects will put things into perspective and he’ll be open to it or time will pass and he’ll come to the right conclusions himself because as long as he isn’t too busy being WAY TOO caught up in whatever bullshit he has woven himself into Karkat does have some self awareness. What I’m saying is Karkat is somewhat pliable as a person, so don’t take him being an ass too far.

Karkat has a magnificent vocabulary and can paint a picture, the more creative with your insults you are the better, also look at that goddamn thesaurus. Don’t be afraid to be super gross too. Karkat says some of the nastiest shit possible and then has the audacity to be grossed out by other people? LMAO the hypocrisy is real. (Also the idea with using a base idea and then expanding it from Dave’s post also applies here though Karkat usually does have a purpose when he speaks (because that’s how insults are) the purpose just either get’s buried or is a deflection, which is like 40% of everything he says.)

Balance out the way he talks about himself, he’s mostly self aggrandizing in defense or flirt mode, but if he’s vulnerable or even just being normal he’s gonna make passing comments about how he’s so and so and shitty. Karkat is always disappointing his own standards and he voices it. Shit doesn’t always have to be a soliloquy either it can be in passing.

Karkat is incredibly perceptive when it comes to most people as long as his self worth isn’t on the line (COUGHTEREZICOUGH) most people know that, what most people forget about his character is that Karkat is mostly covert about this. He won’t always take his observations and bring them to the characters attention or voice them directly but instead sometimes just implements them in how he addresses someone. Ex being Nepeta, Kanaya, Eridan, which just further proves how good he is with people. Someone bringing all your problems to the surface (like...aranea...) is usually way more off putting and leads to people shutting themselves off from said person. Karkat instead slightly changes the way he acts to better gel with the person in question. He’s also incredibly respectful of privacy and will almost never pry into peoples business but is super ready to people to emotionally depend on him.

Karkat is so needy to be validated and to have someone he can pour all that love and feeling into, not even just romantically, Karkat just wants to be special and valued so badly by his peers in general, goddamn.

[kickasswireup]

It’s been about 2 weeks. Here are the return flight logs:

Flight log R1

10 people on this flight lol. Something keeps clanking underneath my seat. We had an English only safety demonstration (British airlines). Smells really weird. You can see the ground DRY behind the engine turbines...? Subtly, and not completely, but they probably created the driest spot around here. I ended up riding a horizontal escalator for fun at the airport. The things people do when they’re bored. I think I may use this as a time to reflect a little. Or just watch the clouds and such. It’s a 2 hour flight to London. I may end up seeing Annic! Although that may not be for the best — just in case. Corona. One day I’ll look back and be like “damn that was crazy huh”. One day. Probably not for a year or so. I’ve been running this blog for what...since....august? Mid august? Or early October? Lord. Well, I’ve gotten worse and I’ve gotten better. Changed? Slightly. In trynna get Xanax / Ativan for anxiety. I’ve always noticed how it’s bothered me but never really done anything too powerful too try and combat it. Xan/Ati because they have an immediate effect. I’m not afraid of addiction. Would be pretty funny if this plane crashed. Smallest deaths as a result of a commercial airline flight ever lol. GOD DAMN EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL. The clouds and the way the wing looks like it’s amidst nothing at all, the clouds from above. The perfect lighting when you’re between one level of clouds and another. And the sun creating shadows on the inside of the plane. Glorious. I think I’ve been feeling really good since I got to the airport and it’s because of the ten mile walk. That shit sucked, but was the most exercise I’ve gotten in a long time. Not highest heart rate for sure, but longest period of objective, near-continuous exercise. What a mood boost! Also I’m going home!! And to London! And the SEATBELT SIGN IS OFFFFFF YESSSSSS but right now we’re just above clouds so it’s not as cool as seeing cities. It’ll be neat to see London though! Rainy rainy London :) one of the icons of Europe! A shithole! I wouldn’t want to go outside for fear of being arrested for my pen and charging brick lol. Haha autocorrect changed “pen” to “own” because it recognizes how absurd such a thing is. They serve tea bitch!!!!!! TEAAAAAAA woo! The lady sounded a little disappointed when I said no to milk and sugar. They just bring the tea around already poured and steeped and everything in a little Dixie cup. Ah. Drinkable water too. In a bottle no less! With TWO pretzel packets!! Flavored! Sour cream and chive. Okay A they’re tiny. B the flavoring is good, and C the packets are like 80% full. And good and proper inflated. Mad. I wonder if they’ll have meal service on the way home? Looking out the window really heightens the sky diving itch you know, I’m pretty sure running a mile is a little over 100 calories. I wonder if that’s comparable to walking? That’d be 1000 calories of walking haha. Or abut 700 of memory serves correct for walking. Definitely the most exercise I’ve gotten recently. Yay me! Just landed. Some dad said “we’re in London!” And their kid said “peppa pig?” And he said “yeah peppa pig”

Flight log 2R

I see the clouds and I cry. They are so damn beautiful.

***

I’ve seen about 1/3 of 3 movies now, and all of moonlight. We’re over Greenland now. Stupid clouds. They never end. They legit like we have been over clouds off and on since before we left GB. Pretty crazy how you can get such clouds from the snow, or have clouds travel all the way across Greenland. About 6 hours left. 1/3rd the way through. I’ve eaten all my food and 600ml of ginger ale. Nobody following no rules. It’s a good time :) it’s easy to forget that I may be put somewhere or questioned or separated or whatever when I land. These bitches better beLIEVE I’m a citizen. I frequently find myself predicting hostility. Maybe that’s because hope let’s me down often. High expectations...if they’re met, that’s fine, and if they’re not, that’s really not fine. But if I have low expectations and everything goes well, then that’s awesome. I’ve had that a few times recently. That’s the way to go. I can’t tell where the clouds end and the snow begins. A different kind of ocean.

***

It’s been half an hour. Bro. 5:20 left. This reminds me of the Mexico flight. This may be the longest flight I’ve been on. Went through some videos/photos. A few more movies couldn’t hurt eh? Heh.

***

Finished Jiro. Not sure how much time left. Planning to check around 3:30, based on feel. Gonna try and ask if they have anymore food.

***

ouchie. 3.5hr left. Gotta cross like all of Canada. Canada is mostly ice, turns out, but still pretty in its own way. I miss the clouds, but mostly I miss the cities and such. All the lights in the cabin are off for some reason? I think they turned them off at 9pm local (former).

***

Bro it’s been like 12 minutes bro....please bro. Aight Casablanca time. Why not lol.

***

Good movie so far :)

***

Sub 2 hours!!! Love that! 1:57!!!!!!!!!

***

Tiredness taking a toll on my brain. There’s only been a few times where I’ve understood that, how you can do stuff and have it not register at all in your head as....bad? Or wrong or whatever

***im at international arrivals. Fatigue and tiredness ain’t shit. I am hungy tho

[johnsfirememoir-blog]

fire memoir

John M. Ortiz Professor English 1301 15 June 2017 Ortiz_John_3 I was about 20 years old and already I had worked at least 10 jobs. At this point in life I thought I needed to become financially stable before making my next big move in life. However a big change came when my girlfriend of 3 years left and I was let go from yet another company. I began to see the world as a ravenous place with little stability and a cold heart. My uncle then told me he was a fireman for 10 years. That it was a good stable job that might not make me rich but I would not have to worry about being let go because “production was down” or whatever other reason. Thus began my venture into that world. I started by seeing what it took to apply to be a fire fighter. It would take either being a certified fire fighter for the state of texas via going to college and going through a academy and earning college credit along the way or applying for a big city and having a lot of competition. College seemed the favorable option. Being young and not knowledgeable I thought I was going to have to pay for everything out of my own pocket. I was not one who made the best grades in high school and I assumed most scholarships were for kids who applied themselves a little more than I had. So  I went to the schools and they said classes would cost in the thousands. In my research I found a program. A place that would help someone like me. It was the “Texas Work Force Commission.”   They paid for classes books and even gave me a gas allowance. “Wow! I thought. Maybe this is meant to be” So I went and I spoke with a consultant who and after some paper work and some conversation I had what I needed to begin. Life was making a turn for the better. I felt I had a purpose and found new motivation. The schooling would be 1 semester of EMT and 2 semesters of fire academy. Speaking with counselors it seemed the best option would be to go to EMT first as that was the more academic side and the fire was more physical. I was 20 years old and had played sports through high school and in middle school. I was a varsity starter for a 5a school in Pasadena for 3 years. And after my separation from my ex I found solace by running at parks across Houston. It was settled do the hard then on to the fun. I would start in January 2010 Class starts at Houston community college on the southeast side on town. There I am nervous and not knowing what to expect. This is medical stuff I thought. I was pretty smart in school but I always fell behind. There isn't a teacher who is going to help me because she wants to see me play at the big game Friday night. Im going to be on my own. The instructor begins and starts to tell us how she is happy to see the career choice we have made and that it was honorable and that all that aside not everyone would pass. But she is here to help. There is a group of guys who had just graduated from the fire academy and are doing their EMT part 2nd. They seemed like cool guys but seemed “clickish” so I made friends with a older guy named mark and a young woman Megan. Orientation was over and the hard part began. The book for this class was huge I thought and the words at first daunting. It was just a different subject than what I was used to. I was raised by a family of boys and I was close to my grandfather who was the figure head. He was a mechanic and all 6 of his sons either worked on cars or raced them at some point. I found I was in a different world. I began to read 4 hours a day. Reading was tiresome and I would think about the guys in class talking about going to this bar or that place where they would watch whatever sport. Mark was old in comparison to the early 20 something year old’s in class. He had a wife and 2 daughters. He was about 35 at that time. When those other guys would talk abut going out. Mark would just look at me and say “look at those boys, they ain't even done anything and their already talking like they got this. They better get their heads straight.” I just nodded and agreed. I was pretty shy but I did want to go out and be one of the guys. Megan seemed indifferent. I couldn't tell if she just had a boy friend or was just that focused. Mark and I would talk and I had trade stories through the academy mostly about what motivated us. He was like me looking for work and not finding stability but also he longed ever so much to be a fire fighter for “The city of Houston!” As he put it. He wanted to work where he grew up and have his kids see him as a good man. Me on the other hand. My motivation was different. Along with looking for stable work. I told Mark that the year before  school started my girlfriend whom I proposed to left. A proposal that was I think immature and thoughtless I did love and have feelings for her but nothing substantial I always knew I my heart she didn't love me the way I cared for her. Mark would just say “boy you dodged a bullet.” I just nodded and agreed. Then came the fact I spent about a year roaming around between friend’s and relatives house’s. I didn't even have my own car. My father had multiple cars when I was growing up. He was a bit of a car hoarder. At least that's what I call him and he was not the easiest man to get along with. It was quite often we would fight. Well around this time he was quite stressed about his divorce and was afraid of losing his house. This created tension between us as I think. He never really spoke from the heart or showed emotion other than when he was mad. I am sure he wanted to provide but could not deal with life’s stress. Long story short we fought and he took back his car. I had to leave home. So I had no car to my name. No place that was a home. No special woman to stand beside me and I held jobs sporadically. Well it was sometime in October 2009 when I told my uncle Carlos what was going on that he told me I was going to live with him. The rule was I had to go to school and help out around the house. At this point I had bounced around that nothing seemed sure. However in time Carlos proved true and I had a stable place to stay. The next big help came from my grandfather. He was a mechanic and gave me a car. Not the nicest one but it ran and got me from point A to B. 2010 and I had a cassette player. Man I thought well at least girls won’t be a distraction with a car like this. It was a Suzuki side kick. Quite often I had to put water in the radiator and the paint job was well worn. Now my grandfather was a tough man. He had beliefs and he would stick to them. He came to America from Mexico and would always tell me stories how he was abandoned as a boy and he made it here on his own with no help and being betrayed by people here. He would always say “you if you do good I go with you but you if you do bad you on you own.” In his Spanglish. This is something I had seem him prove when he denied help to some uncles in the past for their own endeavors. He was a hard and stubborn man and I took his help with no expectations of a lasting aide. So it seemed mark and I had a lot to work for. We had study groups and in time even began to run together to get ready for the next phase. The fire academy. Megan came out to study but running was more of a Mark and I kind of thing. Sometimes we would go watch sports at a bar but that was rare and about as rare as me going out. Which I could probably count on 1 hand. I will never forget what it felt like to sit on the bed at home and just read and read and just think to myself if Carlos can have a stable pay check and feed himself then that's all I need. Just something solid until I can move on to the next phase of life. I did well for myself and was a B student. Something I was both really happy about and kind of disappointed. Happy because I passed and was making progress but kind of bummed because I put a lot of time in and thought I deserved more but a piece of paper saying you have your cert is the same for a A student or C student. So I continued with mark and Megan in our groups. Time passed and we all passed together. For the first time in my life I felt I accomplished something. Carlos being the motivational guy he was just shrugged it off and said wait for that fire academy. Though his face showed pride. I learned to read his face not his words. He always wanted better for me. As for my grandpa he just said good job and told me more stories of him struggling as a boy. He seemed to go on tangents a lot. He was retired and I guess he began to reflect on life more. Mark and I continued to run the time came and all we had to do was be ready for whatever physical punishment the fire academy would bring. I remembered Carlos coming home with red marks and bruises on his back when he entered the fire academy for the city of Houston. I did not know what to expect but I knew it would not be easy. Then came the surprising news. Mark my run partner and study buddy who had the same goals as me told me he had asthma. A shocking and concerning thing to hear. But then how have you been running? I asked. Not knowing how asthma would affect him and also so what does that mean if you’re a Fireman. Then came more news. Mark was not going to the fire academy with me. He found a job and decided he needed to work now and take care of his family. I was crushed for him. All that talk about being a fire fighter for Houston and now he had to change his plans. So I told him he was doing what any good man would do for his family. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me “don’t fuck this up” haha I laughed. He always talked like he was a father figure. In his mind he was but to me he was a good friend just older. The time came it was the first day of Houston Community Fire academy. I felt like a kid starting school for the first time again. Once again we had a orientation. The instructors introduced themselves and the whole feel of class was already different. In the last course the instructor was a larger set woman whom spoke of not everyone passing because the course was hard academically. This time I had lean male instructors who broke down their expectations and that physical repercussions would be a thing. Our head instructor captain Mayes his name was. He had a big black thick mustache that seemed to grow out then down and wrapped around the side of his lips down to his chin. I will never forget him standing straight up always stroking it when he went into deep thought. Next was captain Hernandez whom stated our mothers were not here to baby us and that he would be all the love we needed. A thicker guy but still toned but he didn't seem to be a runner but that was alright because lastly there was captain Del La Rosa he was a marathon runner and made it clear we would be running so many miles a day. Also if we did not comply with their demands we would run a tower. Which is a building that is 6 stories tall with access to a roof for a 7th floor. The guys in class were also young kids mostly leaner than me. I felt I had not prepared enough but I came to realize how tough I was mentally in the next few months. We also had 2 females. I found that interesting but cool. Day one and we began by standing up and introducing ourselves and our motivation to be a fire fighter. Some for money others for their family but really it is always about money. Only 2 guys said it was a family tradition. I thought it was cool that of the guys with dad’s and grandparents who were fire fighters that I was the only one who had a aunt fire fighter. She actually paved the way for my uncle and I really believe. Carlos had no ambition for the job like I until she gave him the steady job speech which I started to think he ripped off of her and gave to me. Geez Carlos be original bro. I thought. So my turn came and I said thoughtlessly that I wanted to be like my family and do something good for the community. I honestly had no idea what it took to do the job. In my mind Carlos was a soft handed man who preferred paper work to physical labor. And even with family in the Houston fire department I had little exposure to the world. That was day one. Day 2 and we were already in high gear everyone showed up with their uniforms pressed and starched. I also had my clothes ironed but not because im the type of person to be so prepared or type A. Simply my grandmother said it was a good idea in her way which means she will hound me into doing what she thinks is best. We were all in class early books out and ready to sit and learn like what you would imagine a college class is. That however was not the case. Del la Cruz showed up and said on time to run. We had 10 minutes to run from the classroom to the dressing room change and go do what I considered semi marathon training experiences. First hour of class and I was already soaked in sweat. We ran in cadence to what Del La Cruz called his running play list. Ill never forget them. Motor motor got a lot of motivation. Then we would repeat then dedi dedi got a lot of dedication. Then whatever variance he wanted followed. Push ups, sit ups, and a variety of other workouts would follow along with getting acquainted with the tower. A tall slender building 6 stories tall with access to the roof for a 7th floor was used also and that would become a dreaded place. Running up flights of stairs was exhausting. All the training I did before the academy and I felt like I was not ready for running up those stairs. Most of the other guys did well and we seemed like a solid class as in most guys were prepared. We had 2 girls in class one was married to one of the guys. She didn’t seem so well prepared meaning she looked about 50 lbs over weight and could not do any push ups. Now we had a guy named George who was also heavy set almost as wide as he was tall. But watching him run was like watching a grizzly taking stride. When I finished the runs before him I would like to watch that stride come in. Like a bad version of bay watch but its what I had at the time. After the morning work. It was back to class. That was only for that day. We started having our workouts after class the second week. Compared to the EMT program studying for the fire side was easy. It was interesting and I always just felt like I was reading brochures compared to the large foreign textbook I grew accustomed to using as a pillow. So the weeks went on and the guys got to know each other. Most people fell into clicks which is something I never liked because I never felt I fit in anywhere. At lunch the guys with military experience had one table and the black guys at another and so on. Racism was not a issue I think it is just people finding cultural similarities and their own comfort zones and so that’s how it was a for a little. Of course we all intermingled. But I didn’t find that group of guys I thought I was going to find that would be my drinking going out and having fun buddies. At least not in the beginning of the academy. By the end of the first month things became a little routine class at at certain time and then the end of the day workout. Always exhausting but I handled it. Besides I had the grizzly and the other girl to keep the attention off me. They would always be in the back of the pack. Although George was not as far behind like she was. I have forgotten her name. She only lasted a little over a month before she quit. My grandmother the woman who raised me as her own and is and always will be my mother always made me lunch. The mornings felt like elementary with the food being set aside for me as I went off to school. Well after 2 months I will never forget this day. I forgot my food. It was not a big deal that I didn’t take my lunch. I had money to buy lunch and a little Suzuki sidekick to get me to the nearby subway. But for whatever reason she had spoken to my grandfather that day and they were separated but still would speak from time to time. Well at some point in the morning around11 I see this familiar black truck drive up to the parking lot behind the tower. I thought nothing of it until one of the instructors called me and said someone was looking for me. It was my grandparents with lunch! Now my grandmother is mom but my grandfather was dad just as much although my father is in my life I was always close to grandpa. This brought a tear to my eye. He didn’t have to come but that wasn’t what hit me. I knew he wanted to come and see me in my fire academy uniform. He was a tough man and also routine. My uncle Ramiro once said that dad “has not left the 6 block perimeter of his house” just enough to pay his bills and buy food. We never asked dad to leave because we all knew he didn’t like to leave his house and so on special occasions like birthdays and anything really we had to go to him. Yet here he was at the academy. I felt motivation like I had never felt to do this and have him at my graduation. The first semester ended and I think I lost 15lbs. There is a picture of me and I had fallen asleep at lunch with my head in my chest and arms crossed. I never liked the picture it showed me that I was heavier than I wanted to be with big chubby cheeks and arms thick and you could tell did not have definition. That was clearly changing. The fire academy was a really really expensive workout program and it was working! Before the 1st semester ended we had a physical ability test as well as some academic tests. We started losing people. Both of the girls couldn’t do the physical and we lost one of the guys who although physical did not take the testing serious and came just short of the requirements. David was his name he and I remained friends for a little after that but he had to find other thing in life to do. At times the academy did not feel like school but like guys just hanging out and working out and shooting the shit together. Then when people were weeded out. It was like reality hit and we remembered why we were here. To get our certifications and find work. I sometimes forgot the gravity of what I was doing but always took class serious. We had lost 3 or 4 people the first semester. Semester 2 by comparison was a walk in the park. The tests became easier and we spend more time outside running drills than anything really. It does not take much brain power to advance fire hose. It really brought to life the phrase “getting paid from the neck down” we would pull hose here and there. Load it and deploy it. Semester 2 was all about being outside and sweating. Running around and doing the workouts then playing with fire fighter tools. I recall one day the guys in class were starting to relax and take things easy but the instructors decided to remind us that this is was and made us do 100 push ups. Then someone spoke up out of line. This was a paramilitary organization after all. I mean we did have to be clean shaved. So another 50 was added then another guy spoke up for whatever reason then another 50. All in all the class did about 400 push ups through the day not at once. I don’t think I could ever have done that. But I know this guy named belt a hard working carpenter pushed the envelope and hit 550 that day. I took the burden with him and another guy that messed up so the whole class wouldn’t have to suffer. I hit 600 push ups that day. Far from the 50 I could barely do in a row with the class first started. Towards the end of the semester all we had to worry about was passing the burns. These were training drills where we had to gear up and go into a training building with pallets on fire and we would have to perform whatever task they gave us. Burn 1 was easy. Just gear up and feel the heat inside a Konex box. It is pretty much one of those big metal shipping containers you see on commercial boats transporting goods. Burn 2 a little tougher gear up go inside and advance the hose to the fire then go out. Burn 3 is where things become real but no significant task for any of the guys whom like myself also found themselves in better shape. Conditioning was key here. We would gear up advance hose and pull out the dummy. The last burn burn 4 was a true test of physical conditioning and mental toughness. When you put on the gear. Your skin does not breathe. You sweat and it has nowhere to go and no air to wick it off and cool you. Therefore you stay hot. The gear itself is a heat barrier but works by absorbing the heat and keeping it off your body with its 3 layers. The outside absorbing and the inner 2 for moisture barrier and the inner most the inner lining. Burn 4 we went as a 4 man crew. We geared up in set time then went up to a door prop and used skills to open it. We went and advanced line to the door. Then came climbing up a ladder to the 2nd floor roof with tools in hand. Next we had to cut a hole on the roof using a saw then we went back in and pulled a dummy out and that was it. I think I drank near a gallon of water after we finished that. I sat there and watched other guys go and then fall to their knees and drink up water and their eyes fill with pride because they just did one of the hardest things they had ever done in their life and it is something that is a accomplishment. I think every boy wants to go on a adventure and be that hero. This was like that but set up and no real life to be saved but after it you felt like you could do something heroic should you be called upon. We only had a few weeks left in the academy after that I so I began to seek work as a EMT. I quickly found a job part time while in school that became full time after. I would take people in nursing homes to dialysis or the hospital if it was emergent. That was my time in the academy. I went from a overweight guy to one who had decent tone and had a father show up even though he never left his 6 block radius. Had felt like I had done something to be better and stand on my own 2 feet and support myself and did it mostly on my own. I didn’t need a woman to support me. I felt renewed. Graduation came and my whole family showed up. Carlos showed up in his decorated fire uniform and along with my mother pinned my badge. It was more than enough that my dad showed up. He didn’t have to get on stage.

After thought: these events happened in 2010 and it had been a long time since I had reflected and thought about these events that are significant in not only the path I ended up taking for a career. But as a stepping stone to other aspects of my life. I gained confidence in myself to do things I thought I could not do. I made friends whom I still speak to and even have worked with and fought fires along side. This reminds me of the young boy I was and shows me some of the man I became. Also my grandfather has since passed in may of 2016. Seeing him at the academy that day will forever be with me as one of my most cherished memories. This memoir should make people think that if they just go after something even if things seem against them they should just do it.

[zhouwerthoughts]

1/9/17

just woke up from a nap so

sigh

its so bad, IM so bad...

even after years and years it still hits me just as bad over and over and overandoverandoverandoverandover again without fail even though i usually have the ability to write it off sometimes it breaks me for no apparent reason and I honestly don’t understand myself it’s legit the stupidest fucking shit ever why

i hate my thoughts i hateitihateithateit so much like no william its not supposed to be like that you fucking idiot just stop stopstop stop 

please

its just minor/major disappointment after disappointment with no end in sight and its all my doing and my initiation and i just don’t learn.

If i want to say something though i really should just say it even if the result will be disappointing. If i begin to filter myself I won’t BE myself. 

I feel so, unimportant. Insignificant. I’ve already contemplated how insignificant a person such as I am on a world and universal stage, less than a speck in the vast expanse, yet now I begin to feel the same on a micro and human level, whether its my role in life or me to others.

I believe that everyone has a right to choose their own path to happiness. so i should probably stop being a hypocrite and not assume so much of others, especially when they’re the ones i care about most

one of these episodes hit me right before fiddlers and during fiddlers it didn’t get any better when apparently my brother is in his second detention and I had to leave for a bit to call my mom and all and it was bad getting home to that environment wasn’t nice either. my brother is a friggin 8th grader with ALL B’s and C’s... im not even quite sure how you can manage that without purposefully failing. maybe he is. he talks to his “friends” a lot and i know for a fact the vast majority of them are horrible influences. man am i worried about his future, but i don’t have the time to help him when I myself am struggling up to my nose in irresponsibility and mishaps

but i digress. I will overcome this even if through sheer will like i have had to in the past. 

all jokes aside i need to stop sleeping late it is literally killing me and I’m afraid one day ill like keel over and straight up fail to live that’s how exhausted i feel day to day and im surprised barely anyone has noticed i guess ive been getting good at being normal even under extreme consistent exhaustion. i slept for 2 hours today when i got home so i will  do my absolute best to sleep before 1:00 today

i need to stop feeling bad about myself and bemoaning the unfairness of it all. there is nothing unfair about it. when am i going to be serious about getting healthier and not just wish i was? sure i can almost run a mile now and i try to run/jog/walk at least 1.5 miles a day but i still eat like shit. I go into every meal thinking: ok william today you won’t stuff yourself and overeat but by the time i sit down with my first bowl before i know it im already on my third. i have to reverse 10+ years of overeating habits through sheer will and i will do it. I just will. there are no excuses.

day 7: still 220 but this will change I promise you and I promise myself

9:51 edit: I feel like 10x better because reading claire’s essays is the most amazing thing i swear

10:23 edit: Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMDLxWkph8c