#bad sj cw

[liskantope]

Did I just make a half-joke in my last post about the 2010's brand of aggressive internet feminism being dead? Have I mentioned more than once in recent posts that the I consider it a happy development that the TERFish ideology seems to have siphoned away a lot of the visible "women are fragile because men are so terrifying" mentality in more mainstream feminism? Well, that was before I read the below post that is apparently making the rounds in the last few days about the "bear test" and the oh-so-nailed-it commentary on it claiming that the "bear test" illuminates exactly two fundamentally types of men:

This "bear vs. man" question is obvious to me a rhetorical sleight-of-hand playing on a convenient arrangements of cultural emotion-based ideas of what bears symbolize and how protective a man is supposed to be around his daughter having men in her life and so on. Treating it as a serious thought experiment leading to an obvious conclusion about the patriarchy or something would be annoying enough, but first post has to inject that familiar gleeful smugness about how the simple question is guaranteed trip us men up and expose our toxic mindset for all the world to see and illuminate the writer's perfect black-and-white view of gender relations. (It reminds me of the question designed to trip up atheists: "You're walking down a dark street at night and see some shadowy figures coming your way. If you were to discover that they are people who just came out of a Bible study, would that make you feel better or worse?" Except I think that old pro-religion argument, much as I've always hated it, actually rests on firmer ground.)

As for the follow-up social media post, it's nice to know that, as a man who sincerely believes probability-wise that the bear in the woods is a lot more dangerous to my hypothetical daughter than a randomly-chosen man is (an assessment supposedly no woman holds), I am now properly classified as one of those men who is more dangerous than a bear, or (to a more charitable reading) one of those men who is providing cover/excuses for / not doing his part to stop the men who are more dangerous than bears.

(I doubt very much that there's actual data around on chances of a young woman being attacked in the woods by a human man or chances of being attacked by a bear, but I'm willing to change my prediction if I learn that most species of bear ignore humans who wander into their midst like 99% of the time or something like that. Which would cast doubt on most cultural treatment of bears, of course and also kind of undermine the punchline of the "test".)

[rask]

sj @ col – mar 7, 2023

[mooncheese3]

the man called otto au, old man!sj and the luo family. he was not able to escape wyz in the iac bc wyz decided not to sneak into it, instead spending that week in a brothel to waste away a truly big bag of coin he was lucky enough to snatch.

cw // suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts

bc of this sj wasnt able to find out what happened to yq and cultivate,and so stayed a mortal. one day wyz comes across another kid, and tries to off sj since he'd outlived his usefulness. sj outsmarts him, so wyz just leaves with his new assistant, not finding sj enough of a risk to keep alive.

sj wanders, able to get by with money he'd acquired via the things wyz taught him--all very much illegal. one day he stays a bit longer in a town, and ends up staying the night in a brothel. apparently when you assist them in kicking out a horrible customer, they wouldnt mind it so much if you were to sleep in their storage room for free. (his pretty face also helped lmao. the only privelege sj has is pretty privelege, but even that doesnt come often). one night turns into a few days, and a few days turns into a week, and suddenly sj works there.

there he becomes friends with some of the prostitutes, and finds himself with a pseudo little sister with the name sisi

a few years pass; by this point hes a young adult. sj decides to travel around. he still hasnt accepted that yq could be dead (even if his head tells him its very likely yq is), so traveling would mean possibly getting closer to wherever yq may be. he moves in the general direction of cqms, as that was yq's destination. he goes through towns, cities, forests and roads, takes on odd jobs and errands but never begs--never again--yet despite all of that no hide nor hair of his older brother can be found. sj considers going to cqms directly, but if he were being honest...

yq tended to see the good in people. while not a bad thing in itself, it usually led to shitty things happening to people like them. added with the fact that yq was a runaway child slave with no money, wore clothes that kept the cold in rather than out, was illiterate and never learned how to mapread, had never traveled so far on his own with only a vague sense of where he was going, with unkown humans, demons, creatures and plants everywhere on his trek,,, the chances of sj finding his older brother decaying rather than breathing was too high

going to cang qiong and not finding yq there... to him, it would be as close to a confirmation that yq was dead. so he avoids it. (he doesnt stop himself from listening in on conversations about cang qiong, though)

thats how he spends most of his life, traveling and seeing the world, learning about all sorts of things on the way. he spends the freedom hed fought for in what he feels to be the fullest without being around people he doesnt already know. if yq really was dead, then hed be seeing the world for both of them while he could.

when days are too hard and the thought that he'd sent his qige to his death is too strong, sj feels the temptation to follow yq into the afterlife. the sword hed stolen and the dagger up his sleeve find themselves in his hands all too often on those nights, yet no injury ever appears on himself and he breathes just fine the following morning

one day he goes back to the brothel he used to work in, and discovers that sisi isnt there anymore. after catching up with his old friends he travels again, southward where the brothel theyd transferred some of their staff stood

eventually he and sisi reunite. she introduces him to her friend, meng shi, and her son, meng yao. hes appalled when he finds meng yao reading a fake cultivation manual, so he teaches meng yao how to tell a fake from a legitimate one. he also teaches him how to /get/ a legitimate one under a fair and affordable price. sisi wheedles sj into teaching meng yao more, so he does

sj goes back on the road, and somewhere along the way settles in a hut along the luo river. but even when he lives on the outskirts of the village, which was already a decent distance away from any cultivational sect, he still hears news of the head disciple of qiong ding peak's achievements in the defeat of tianlangjun. one thing leads to another and sj finds out that yqy is in fact his yq

a confrontation happens; yqy is beyond happy that sj is alive, if a little shocked and scared that all hes seeing is a ghost his mind conjured up. like canon sj asks why yqy didnt come back, and since yqy is a do or don't there is no try person (this mentality really fucks him up), yqy doesnt give any "excuse" as to why he was gone. he was a coward, incompetent and careless in his rush to go back to the qiu manor. the fact that he went back too late and /tried/ to save sj but found the estate in ashes didnt matter. to yqy, it is the end result that matters, not the effort and process it takes for him to get there. he didnt save sj, and that was that.

in the face of what sj went through, what he experienced was miniscule. look at them! while yqy was dressed in expensive fabrics with a face that looked no older than 20 bc of his high cultivation, sj was dressed in simple and cheap robes with signs of age, hardship, and days under the sun. what right did he have to stand here and make himself seem pitiful and sympathetic when he couldnt even save sj? in the end, all he says is a wretched "im sorry for not saving you."

(hc that yqy always had this mentality, it was just worsened by his shizun. yes hes totally downplaying everything he went through on his quest to try to save sj. yqy has serious self-worth issues)

sj refuses to go to cqms with yqy. hes far too old to cultivate so all he'll end up doing there is be a servant. in sj's view that was akin to returning to his old life, just under a different master in a far bigger "estate"

yqy visits often, leaving behind trinkets sj could pawn or sell and bags of money to keep himself fed and warm. he tries to reconnect with sj, but (like canon, just even worse) sj is not having it. to sj, these "gifts" are bribes for him to stay quiet to keep yqy's pristine reputation. sj drives yqy away, but always finds himself watching as yqy leaves. it seems that therell always be a small part of him that wants his older brother back.

as sj gets older he gets sicker, experiencing aches and pains and dreaded headaches.

yqy notices, and so starts to leave medicine as well.

the longer this goes on, the more yqy looks sad and regretful. the dark cloud that hangs above his head grows darker each time he arrives and is chased away

sj abruptly thinks that he should disappear. when he was gone, yqy was doing well. its only after he showed back up in his life that yqy seemed to start being more miserable.

it of course didnt help that sometimes one of yqy's martial siblings accompanied him on his visits. always staying on the outskirts of his property, but always with an odd and/or dissaproving look on their face. sometimes, sj would faintly hear them tell yqy that coming here wasnt worth it, or at least something similar to it (sj doesnt see the harsh and downright terrifying look yqy would then send that person)

the first time he seriously tries to end his life, it is unexpectedly cut short by a rapid knocking on his door

THIS IS WHERE THE LUO FAMILY COME IN!!! mme luo comes knocking on his door one day, carrying a small feverish toddler. she has no money to go to the nearest doctor (this particular doctor likes charging too high), and the closest neighbor that hasnt already ignored her pleas for help is sj

sj aggrievedly lets her in, giving mme luo an appropriate dose of medicine so she could be the one to coax the kid into ingesting it. the child ends up recovering fairly quickly, and as thanks mme luo leaves a delicious plate of fish in a woven basket for sj

sj returns the basket. mme luo fills it again with another dish, this time with a bowl of sweet and sour pork with bokchoy soup

following the movie, everytime sj (otto) tries to khs, his attempts are unkowingly thwarted by the people hes shown kindness to

at some point mengyao (now very newly named jgy!!) encounters sj again. jgy doesnt stay long, since he does have to return to the jin sect, but he helps around the house. he cooks sj breakfast, teaches binghe etiquette, and becomes an indulgent culinary student to a very eager to show off binghe

each time someone barges into his life, sj always tells them to fuck off. most times he lets them in anyway, but others he shuts them out.

he goes too far one day, so mme luo does her mom thing and somehow gets him to open up. shes always tried to get him to do that, but sj always closed himself from others. this one time, sj tells her about his past and explains why he acts the way he does

while it is indeed the only time hes done so, he begins to allow himself to grow closer with others and let them get to know him, just as much as he gets to know about them

eventually, very slowly, qijiu begin to reconcile. yqy finds the courage to tell sj that he was hasty and was trapped within the ling xi caves, that he did go back, just too late. while theyll never be like they were before, they still had each other in the end

it would be nice if, unlike canon, him helping people inadvertently gets him to live, yk? kindness spreads kindness, that sort of thing

[breadcheekstete]

More fat Tae please. Maybe one where he is really big and lazy?

hello hello (ôㅈô)/” you know how much i like chubby tæ so it was a pleasure to write it. i made him kinda slobby and it might be messy but i hope you like it 🖤 (i tried to make him as big as i am comfortable with, please understand)

[CW / Slob behaviour]

th has been watching the news go on for what feels like an eternity. he made the bad decision of leaving the remote on the coffee table when he turned on a movie that finished too long ago.

he could get up and change the channel? yeah. but he actually can't.

adding a whole 2l of weight gain shake, two and half gallons of ice cream to his already ample frame is his favourite activity and, honestly? he's already thinking of dinner.

you see, th is a big guy. he does not just have a gut and some spare kilos rounding his edges. and as someone that weighs 136kg, he's what anyone would call a slob.

a big belly sitting and spilling down his lap and between his thick thighs, spread open to give it some room. his arms hug the last ice cream tub, too tired to even prevent it from spilling in his already stained t-shirt. at this point he just wears it to hold his moobs in like a crop top, or even a bra, now resting pliant on the shelf that is his overstuffed belly.

he scratches at his double chin, itchi from the ice cream spilled and licks his finger clean, hiccuping a burp.

his spoon finally makes it to the bottom of the ice cream and he discards it, throwing it not so carefully to the floor. he hums, contently rubbing at the sides of his belly and pressing on the few pockets of gas.

not that he drank soda in the past hours but he's just so gassy all the time. he pats his underbelly, caressing the flabby area and dipping his finger into his belly button, expecting a burp to come out but is a loud fart what comes out instead. he even feels it rumble on his seat.

it felt really good to let out, but is not enough to ease the discomfort for dinner so he rubs circles on the expanse of his belly, taking turns with each arm so he doesn't get tired. in the end, is the hand resting on top of his belly that finds the wet belch he was looking for and he leans back on the armchair, relieved to say the least. 

the air is a bit heavy when sj comes back from work. th doesn't even hear him come in as he let out another resounding belch with his eyes closed in pure bliss.

"only you would eat ice cream as an appetizer," the older says.

th whines, belly gurgling under his touch. "if i could order something to eat, i wouldn't start from the dessert."

sj sits on the armrest, slapping his belly that barely wobbles at the motion but causes th to burp. "last time i let you order when i was still at work i found you being fed by the poor delivery guy."

th takes a fist to his chest and belches deeply, that felt so good to let out. "i wouldn't let him do it if he wasn't yøongi hyung. he knows our code."

"he knows it for emergencies!"

"it was an emergency, i couldn't get up."

sj stands right in front of him and brushes th's chin gently, daring. "can't even get up for the food you ordered yourself?"

"i'm sorry hyung, i was too full.." past full like he is right know, sj would dare to say. he's got other plans, though.

"if you can stand up by yourself and sit on the couch, i'll feed you."

"pasta with lots of tomato sauce sprinkled with weight gain powder and a 2l bottle of cola?" he asks with puppy eyes, and sj nods. it makes him so fond how under all this fat he's still the bright soul he knows.

th makes an attempt, arms quivering and belly annoyingly hard to even let him bend forward. he tries again, grunting and rocking himself back and forth to regain some strength, and then…

"damn it, tæhyung. that's gross," sj complains at the strong smell coming from the younger's agonizingly long fart he just ripped.

"you said, huff ." th stops to fan his nose. "you said i had to stand u-UuuURp, and i needed a little impulse."

"little ? the neighbors could sue us for that."

th stumbles a little as he balances himself and waddles to the couch, letting himself fall onto it and he shuts a loud cracking sound with another burst of air. "come on," he demands, patting the side of his belly. "it's dinner time."

[seventhstar]

Fuck it, this is my blog and I'm going to say it.

The idea that Shen Jiu was particularly mistreated by CQM is just not correct.

(cw: the following may not be friendly to sj fans)

Despite his imperfect cultivation, Shen Jiu is chosen as the next peak lord of Qing Jing. He clearly has talents and skills which his master recognized and rewarded, despite his unfortunate past.

Shen Jiu drives off multiple disciples for the crime of being too talented. He abuses Luo Binghe with the explicit intent of trying to harm and kill him. He is in general unpleasant to the people around him. He is rumored to have killed Liu Qingge (he didn't, but no one knew that!)

And what consequences does the sect impose on him for this stuff? None!

Yes, he has a bad relationship with Liu Qingge and with Bai Zhan peak as a whole, but I'm going to be honest, that seems like a problem with two sides. Despite that bad history, Shen Yuan is able to convert Liu Qingge into a love interest pretty easily, which definitely suggests to me that Shen Jiu contributed equally to their dysfunctional rivalry. it even makes me think that if Shen Jiu could have successfully saved Liu Qingge, even if he kept being an asshole, Liu Qingge would have still changed his mind about him somewhat. The text explicitly states that Shen Jiu hates Liu Qingge for the crimes of having a good background with living parents, being talented, and being able to beat him in a fight.

But Yue Qingyuan is extremely lenient with Shen JIu--probably to his detriment. When Shen Yuan first wakes up in Shen Jiu's body, Mu Qingfang and Yue Qingyuan both seem disturbed when he calls for Luo Binghe, which implies they don't approve of his treatment of Luo Binghe...just not enough to do anything about it.

Shen Jiu's downfall doesn't come from his martial siblings or the sect, even after he's rumored to have killed one of them. The person who ruins his reputation and throws him in prison and kills him is Luo Binghe, after he's spent five years in the Abyss and amassed enough power to punish him.

Was Shen Jiu liked or trusted by his fellow martial siblings? Probably not. Was he happy there? Doesn't seem like it! Would he have been happier elsewhere? I don't know! He needed to unload the weight of trauma he was carrying somehow, instead of reenacting it on others and building a wall between himself and the world. Other people could have offered him more understanding and grace than he received, perhaps. But would he have accepted it, even if they did?

[touchmycoat]

I posted 9,300 times in 2022

449 posts created (5%)

8,851 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mayorofnowhere

@queenoftheroadkills

@kindahaunted

@nothatsjustmydick

@fleur-aesthetic

I tagged 7,912 of my posts in 2022

Only 15% of my posts had no tags

#queue - 5,194 posts

#aesth - 672 posts

#anon - 225 posts

#good words - 155 posts

#murderbot - 131 posts

#asks - 118 posts

#cats - 90 posts

#omg - 85 posts

#hualian - 85 posts

#cinematic treasure - 77 posts

Longest Tag: 133 characters

#she literally went 'what else did priest write?' '天涯客 七爺 鎮魂' 'oh no you've read those i haven't' 'i know i'm answering your question'

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

For fuck’s sake the detail of MR knowing exactly what size of food fits in CWN’s mouth made me so unbearably horny the first time and now the second time. Jesus shit.

54 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

#4

LQG finds deaged!SJ, misunderstanding ensues

word count: 3.8k CW: references to CSA

When Shen Jiu woke up in that strange rich man’s room, his first instinct was to panic because he had no idea how he got there. Of course, panic being a useless state of affairs, Shen Jiu quickly quashed that instinct. His second instinct—to assess the situation and see how utterly fucked he was, and then maybe to squirrel away some of the very pretty, very expensive jade pendants and hairpins if conditions allowed—struck him as more reasonable, so he went with that instead.

He slipped out of bed, leaving behind a nest of fabric that he was actually reluctant to stop touching. Whatever the sheets were made of, they felt heavenly against his skin. Oh hang on, not just the sheets. There were a set of robes there too, sized for a grown man with its inner lining turned up, as if it had been wrapped around Shen Jiu—

…Right, so Shen Jiu had woken up naked in a strange bed wearing only a rich man’s robes. This was looking more and more like the aftermath of one of Qiu Jianluo’s sick games. Maybe Shen Jiu had been fed something. That may explain the memory loss.

Molars painfully grinding against each other, Shen Jiu gave the backs of his hands a few sharp slaps. Stop shaking, stop panicking. Just stop being useless and figure this out.

There were all sorts of expensive things in this room. Very expensive things. If Qiu Jianluo had given Shen Jiu anything it was the ability to discern high-cost items from low, all because Young Master Qiu loved to flaunt every agarwood trinket chest and mutton fat jade bracelet that he got gifted. See this? he would say. This is what it means to be successful. This is why I’m Young Master, and you are…?

A servant.

A bitch! Hahahaha…

A bitch. Alright, fuck that, Shen Jiu was no one’s bitch. Qiu Jianluo should have never let Shen Jiu out of his sight because now Shen Jiu had an opportunity, didn’t he? This was definitely not a room in the Qiu Estate, so if Qiu Jianluo had so carelessly rented Shen Jiu out to a man who would leave Shen Jiu alone in the morning amidst all these goods just waiting to be pawned, then Shen Jiu was damn well going to take advantage of it.

Unfortunately, he only got as far as a handful of calligraphy brushes and pendants before there came a brusque knocking at the door. Shen Jiu startled so bad that he bumped into a table and knocked a hairpin to the floor, paling when he heard something crack.

“Shen Qingqiu, get out of there at once!”

A man, but not the owner of the room by the sound of it. Shen Qingqiu? Shen Jiu had never heard of him, but he could easily imagine Qiu Jianluo saying something about serendipity to another man with the Qiu character in his name. And maybe the shared surname was what prompted Qiu Jianluo loaning Shen Jiu out.

Regardless, Shen Jiu now had a problem. The man at the door—was he friend or foe? He certainly didn’t sound fond of Shen Qingqiu, but lots of “friends” spoke like that to each other. Quickly stashing his handful of pilfered goods behind the changing screen, Shen Jiu opted to run back to the bed and fold up the robes and bedsheets. The man was raring to slam down the door, judging by the force of his knocks, and this way, he wouldn’t catch Shen Jiu doing anything wrong.

Sure enough, the door burst open moments later. Shen Jiu made a point of jumping (though he did not have to fake it) before bowing his head and dropping to his knees.

The man stopped three stomps in.

“Who are you?”

He sounded bewildered, not disgruntled or disgusted. That probably meant he didn’t know about this Shen Qingqiu’s apparent propensity for taking young boys into his bed, or at least hadn’t put the pieces together yet. That wasn’t a bad sign.

“This servant,” Shen Jiu spoke politely with just a hint of a tremor, “is just tidying up Master Shen’s room.”

“Get up.” Shen Jiu started to, not getting very far before the man demanded, “put some robes on.”

Fantastic. Not a pervert. It felt more and more like whatever Qiu Jianluo and this Shen Qingqiu had done with Shen Jiu, this third man had no part nor interest in, which made Shen Jiu inclined to take shelter with him. Just in case though, Shen Jiu wouldn’t throw Shen Qingqiu to the wolves just yet.

“Master Shen must have sent this servant’s robes out to wash.” The words were carefully chosen to hint at the filthy truth—why would a rich man send a servant boy’s robes out to wash and leave him naked in the bedchambers?

“What?”

Shen Jiu still hadn’t lifted his head high enough to see the man’s face, but from the bits that he could see, the man was also richly dressed, with hardy boots and flowing white robes. Confidence oozed from the man’s stance as well, feet planted and arms crossed. Shen Jiu would bet his life deed that this man could not only take Qiu Jianluo in a fight, but also punt Qiu Jianluo around the arena like a rag doll.

“Where are the disciple robes kept here?”

Disciple robes? Shen Jiu swallowed.

“This servant doesn’t know.”

The man clicked his tongue, and the moment his annoyance became visible in his stance, Shen Jiu braced himself for a kick. But it never came. Instead, the man wheeled around and stomped back out of the room, leaving the door swinging open in his wake.

With his heart in his throat, Shen Jiu snuck a quick look, and saw a rolling hill and a sea of bamboos outside.

Where the hell was this? Was this…was this really some rich man’s estate in the city? The man had said disciple robes. Was this a training establishment of some sort?

See the full post

92 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

#3

...inverse Mulan AU where SY transmigrates into the body of the take-no-shit military commander, tasked with whipping his ragtag crew of conscripts into shape for the big war. One conscript, LBH, is ridiculously beautiful and bright and totally the morality pet, and genre-savvy SY goes “ahah, that right there is a filial daughter disguised as a man to go to war.” A series of misunderstandings occur (e.g. LBH getting soaked and clutching at his jade pendant bc the worn string broke off and SY thinks she’s trying to keep her robes together, LBH knowing how to wash and mend clothes and other domestic tasks bc he’s a good child to a washerwoman but SY goes “ahah! wants to be a wife!”) that cement SY’s belief and what I’m saying is, SY happily falls in love with LBH, satisfied in knowing LBH will have a big gender reveal someday and he’s not gay, thank you very much. And he’s also not homophobic! Before LBH is revealed to be a woman, SY will happily fight for mlm rights! As an ally! He’ll let everyone know he absolutely dotes on and treasures his little Bingmei because homophobia is just soooo last year and LBH is a woman anyways and the gender reveal will happen any day now.

....any day now.

105 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

#2

See the full post

150 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

ficbinding: Chinese stitched binding

BINDING COMPLETED! of my own fic 翻雲覆日回天明 / Best Of. I chose this binding method because 1) Chinese, 2) easy, and 3) cheap. You know how much this fucker costs??

Text block (A4, 17 sheets of Nice™ paper): 105 NTD

Cover papers (2 sheets): 20 NTD

Embroidery floss: 25 NTD

Awl: 45 NTD

Glue: 35 NTD

Total: 230 NTD, which is not even 8 US dollars. I mean alright, there were other miscellaneous items needed like a ruler, a needle, a slab of wood for puncturing, and something to hit the awl with, but for the slab of wood I just used an old Daiso wood trivet and for the “mallet” I grabbed a rock and wrapped it in old underwear. There is the optional step of cutting the edges of the book, which I did here, that adds additional cutting pad & xacto knife costs. Also material costs are very low in Taiwan lol. BUT STILL.

Anyways progress pics & things I would do better under the cut:

See the full post

171 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[vantasei]

hi. im vanitas or varus. aka vans® off the wall. they/them bigender bisexual bpd babe. neopronouns are sheepy/sheepy's and if you use those ill love you forever. 23. korean-american. bay area sweep. dont like dealing with people under 18. sorry.

sideblogs breathlighttimespace: mostly aes blog ft other misc stuff rvby: personal posts ft some writing i do (not a vent blog. mostly fandom takes.) dhampiric-vantasei: my art i have more but i dont like having them linked to main lol

rp server that doubles as a mutuals server (18+)

kin carrd. i kin but im not gonna be weird about it unless i know you like that.

only courtesy tags i do are #blood, #body horror, and sometimes #gore. im really bad at identifying things that can be considered those though so generally dont expect cw tags from me. also i talk a lot in tags and if i follow you. you are my friend now sorry.

i am always open to dms. discord is vantasei but if you wanna get to know me better, joining my server is the way to go

vantasei on twt + spacehey + basically everything.

i stream games on twitch sometimes. and upload various things on youtube too.

tag me in sheep and ram related things! if you send me a goat i will be sad. if you send me things in general though ill love you forever.

sports teams baseball: mainly the sf giants. wilmer flores superfan. hockey: wpg jets and sj sharks. football: sf 49ers basketball: gs warriors (not super into basketball) soccer is a trigger for me so i cant follow it, sorry. not exclusive w sports teams. i will cheer for other teams if i think theyre neat. anti-houston astros, anti-dallas stars tho. have personal beef with jose altuve. will lb sports on here.

other bio accessible here.

[mingi-bubu]

Super Junior D&E — BAD BLOOD

[shesgonnachangetheworld]

in conclusion, we wouldn’t have the whole “cancelling” thing if people didn’t treat SJ work like they treat tv shows

[rask]

min @ sj - march 31, 2021

[daechwitatamic]

Complete Faith Masterpost || KTH

(banner by the absolutely lovely @itaeewon)

Title: Complete Faith

Status: COMPLETE - all chapters now posted

Pairings: Taehyung x female reader; {background SJ x OC, mentions of YG x OC, and HS x OC}

Genre: coworkers to friends to lovers to idiots to lovers again, angst

Rating: R, minors DNI pls 🔞

Wordcount: 50k

Summary: It’s Taehyung himself who admits that it’s usually around the one-month mark that he starts to lose interest in his relationships. So even though you’re so drawn to him you can barely stand it, even though he’s attentive and funny, even though you’re helplessly crazy about him… when you start dating, you feel like you’ve got an expiration date from day one. But will it be Taehyung’s issues that get in the way, or your own?

TW/CW: excessive cursing, recreational drinking and occasional overdrinking, Y/N has a parent who is a recovering addict and this factors into her narration and mindset but there are NO scenes of drug use, Taehyung has a parent with MS, individual chapters have warnings

📌Notes: A HUGE HUGE HUGE thank you to @kookstempo for the amazing beta job tytytytyty! You were amazing!

All chapters also available on Ao3 here. :)

Faithless: a Complete Faith prequel

--

Chapter 1 : Always a Pleasure

Chapter 2 : A Long Time Coming

-> A Good Son: POV Drabble #5

Chapter 3: Oddly Vulnerable

-> Outside: POV Drabble #3

Chapter 4: A Dumb Analogy

-> Or Mine...: POV Drabble #4 Chapter 5: Such a Bad Idea

Chapter 6: Something Uninteresting

Chapter 7: Boyfriend Duties

-> Crazy About You: POV Drabble #9

Chapter 8: If You Want to Go

-> Say the Right Thing: POV Drabble #1

-> Without Walls: POV Drabble #2

Chapter 9: Of Course I'm Not

-> Get It Together: POV Drabble #7

Chapter 10: Complete Faith

-> Don't: POV Drabble #6

-> Don't Be Scared: POV Drabble #8

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Faithful: a Complete Faith epilogue

[zenyattasperceptrons]

‘im writing a paper abt how 45 has a mild case of aspe/rgers’

me, thinking of the politest possible way to say ‘oh you better fucking not be’

[silver-spider-art]

CW: angry fandom rant

yes I can be a SY type fan but I always try and avoid directing it at actual people, so I'm yelling into the void instead

Okay, I've gotten far too deep into the SVSSS fandom and feel the need to rant today. I love stories about SJ of all stripes but he's a complex morally gray character so i 100% get that not everyone feels the same. I can even get people who just accept all the accusations about him given in the book and treat him as completely bad (though i disagree as the whole point of the novel was about misunderstandings, unreliable narration, cycles of abuse and how that hurts people thus we can assume anything SY and the sect thought they knew about SJ for the first half the novel is false or half truth). So I don't like fics that treat SJ as bad and totally completely different from SY (he isn't, look at how SY treats SQH, isn't that a lot like how SJ was described to treat others? Just cuz the target is dif doesn't change the abuse), but where I draw the fucking line and pisses me the fuck off is people who hate on SJ but are all Original LBH deserves a hug, redemption for Original LBH!! The fuck??? Literally any abuse SJ did couldn't've ever deserved the torture he received. If he did everything he was accused of, he should've been removed as a teacher and stripped of his rank, but NOTHING justified Original LBH's 'revenge' (stories that deal with Original LBH before he murders half the world and tortures people are exempt from this rant). I'm talking about the one that cuts off limbs and fucks his way through the world (no way most those women are actually there willingly or happily too). If you fucking think a unrepentant murder who killed innocent children (he destroyed the entire Sect and all those who died when the realms merged) and tortures people to death is more deserving of redemption than a slave who killed his owner and later went on to (at worst) mistreat kids and use corporal punishment harshly (all bad but we are talking about a local villain vs a genocidal tyrant), I just can't stand it. SJ did wrong, he's not nice or kind, but Original LBH is 100 times worse and he chose that life. Being abused doesn't justify hurting others and that applies to BOTH characters!!!! SJ influenced LBH but he didn't make him! Being abused is no excuse for murder (I'm talking premeditated not acts of defense. The dif between SJ killing QJL and LBH killing SJ is one was an abused child slave trying to escape and the other was a king who no longer was in any danger from his former abuser).

Just UGH! Why oh why can people look at Original LBH and see something they love when I can barely tolerate LBH who get SY in the end regardless. He still hurt people, he still terrified SY, he still can't fucking take no for an answer without resorting to emotional manipulation. How is that the basis for a good romance? And then you want to give SY to the blackened Original????? The fuck???

So yeah... T-T I'm going to try and stay in my LiuShen, LiuJiu lane and stick to my SY&SJ fics or my 'SY is SJ' fics. I enjoy character explorations and dark fics though, and I can totally get behind some good old vinegar chugging pinning or unhealthy relationships which is what gets me to click on fics that caused this rant in the first place... Just...

Please, DO NOT tag a fic "happy ending" when said ending is a victim realizing they love their torturer actually. Or it's happy because the unrepentant murderer gets to have someone with the same face as his victim kiss him so he's "good" now actually. That isn't a happy ending! I'm not saying you can't write something, just accept that it is what it is, an abusive relationship. Tag appropriately. It's all I'm asking. Don't 180 me at the end of a tear jerker angst fest with a "and now they are in love" after 2k of torture.

TL;DR: I think that the fandom needs more LBH/Forever Alone content. Boy doesn't know how to love in a healthy way and neither do some of y'all.

[stubbornjerk]

nureyev, debts, and culture - a meta post

“oh here sj goes about to make another filipino nureyev post,” you say. but wait. hear me out. have you considered: im correct.

okay seriously. if you’re new to this hi, im filipino and i like projecting on beanpole man. if you like this thank @northisnotup because i’ve owed her this detailed post for a long time now. 

anyway i think i’m justified in asserting my filipino nureyev headcanon because of utang na loob.

you see, in filipino psychology they say you can trace this back to before colonialism. utang na loob is a concept that involves moral reciprocity, where if someone does you a huge favor, you end up paying it back over until it starts a feedback loop of doing each other favors.

the downside comes, of course, the moment colonialism and capitalism come into place. this is where we run into problems. (cw death mention)

because, say someone picks you up from the street, houses, and raises you like his own, and it turns out that he’s been lying the whole time about the one thing motivating you to help him. (parents love exploiting utang na loob.)

nureyev felt a sense of moral debt for mag, the man who raised him. theres only so far a lie can carry you and decades does not cut it. im of the belief that they’d been playing chicken around the fact of it. and the moment nureyev found out, the moment it gets pulled out from under him, hes under duress.

now, could you imagine how much shame that puts on nureyev, who’d loved mag as a father, to murder him both in cold blood and for the sake of new kinshasa. nureyev had been convinced he’d be taking care of that man in his retirement, that he’d be living his life paying his gratitude forward.

so he leaves new kinshasa, leaves brahma and its deactivated guardian angel system. he feels awful, guilty, ashamed of not being able to do even the bare minimum of paying mag back so he compartmentalizes. 

he compartmentalizes and convinces himself that good deeds are for chumps, does a bunch of bad shit and feels awful about it. he does one good deed and feels shitty because good deeds are for good people who dont murder their dads and good deeds make you closer to any one community and that will end in bad things happening to him specifically. so he goes and does a bunch of bad shit again.

it’s a continuous feedback loop of guilt, shame, and anger.

and then he meets juno steel, master of doing good deeds and still feeling unaccomplished, going up against the big mean world despite it all. and it’s admirable. because peter nureyev went up against the big mean world once and lost a father, but here juno stands, with his roots wrapped stubbornly around hyperion city, and he loses and loses but stays anyway.

nureyev wants to whisk him away, give him that one good deed, bring him around the galaxy so they could do so much good together. 

for the first time since leaving brahma, he wants to pay it forward.

[serinemolecule]

Not to harp on the obvious, but the discussion feels hollow without it: the only reason some people - not all, maybe not most, but definitely some - push for "equality" and "inclusiveness" and etc. in tech is because it's seen as a desirable and powerful position. No one's been belly-aching about it back when it was fashionable to tell nerds to stop being fat and ugly and what a bunch of losers they are. It's only up for discussion now that there's something to be gained from it. It's hypocrisy.

(context: a lot of women-in-tech discourse)

I mean, I was belly-aching about it.

I like to say I was a feminist until I met other feminists. I definitely saw plenty of things nerds could be doing better for equality. But then the first time I met other feminists, they were harassing nerds and writing long essays about how nerds were even worse than average men (which still seems to me like an absolutely insane position).

That was... a really big crisis of faith there. I spent years reading feminist literature, trying to understand their point. And the crazy thing was, a lot of the principles and concepts do appeal to me. But then the way they’d apply it, talking about how privileged nerds were, or just using it as an excuse to be assholes to people, that’s always seemed wrong to me.

My approach at the time was just to try to understand it better in private, and never talk about it in public. This lasted until I read the SSC essays on social justice which I entirely agreed on, then I joined Tumblr to hit on Scott, and since then I started getting more comfortable with writing out my thoughts, but also the really bad SJ of the early 2010s just mostly faded away from the spaces I’m in. I still hear insane stories from other places (like the New York Times! wtf!) but it no longer feels like a crisis afflicting my own community, so I never wrote anything out.

Part of it’s that my community is the rats, now. SJWs may still exist here, but they don’t have a social power to turn us against each other. Whatever effect Topher’s tweet had on the rest of the world, it means he’s no longer welcome among rats anymore. We dismiss them with equanimity using the ancient proverb, “Haters gonna hate”.

Anyway, I suppose now’s as good a time as any for me to talk about what I think about feminist theory.

I get the impression that Scott is embarrassed by his old posts on gender politics, but I still endorse every word. Even the words people like to criticize the most, I endorse as an angry expression of “Why don’t you care about how many people your ideology is hurting?” That said:

Privilege theory – I remember encountering privilege theory and thinking “yes, this totally fits the model that normies are privileged and nerds are marginalized”, until I got to the part where they started talking about how privileged nerds were. I think the theory is still pretty good, and of course the practice about writing privilege checklists and using it to silence people is incredibly fucked up.

Patriarchy theory – Fortunately, no one talks about patriarchy theory anymore. It came from the radfems and it always seemed horrible to me. It's uncontroversially true that ruling class is mostly male, but patriarchy theory seems to just equivocate between that and insane conspiracy theories.

For example, “culture is built for the benefit of men at the expense of women” requires you to just dismiss everything that hurts men and helps women, to excuse that fashion policing is nearly solely perpetuated by other women, and even if it’s true, the fact that it is perpetuated by everyone means pointing the finger at a specific group will not help fix the problem. Did Kamala Harris exercise “girl power” when she kept black prisoners in jail past their release date? 

Cultural appropriation – The usual steelman I hear for this is “it sucks when white people take your culture for themselves, and yet still call it cringe when you practice your own culture” – but the only objectionable part is the latter! Stop objecting to the former part! There’s nothing wrong with culture mixing and it is in fact one of the most beautiful things in the world!

Part of it’s that I’m a first-gen immigrant, and cultural appropriation attitudes often come from insecurities second-gen immigrants have. Cultural appropriation just means I’m now an expert on your new culture and you’re not allowed to stop me from infodumping on it.

The other steelman is “misusing religious artifacts is bad” and I think to the extent that it’s bad, it’s bad whether you’re doing it to your own culture or to other cultures.

In general I think Halloween was, among other things, a great celebration of diversity that did not need to be cancelled, and I don’t think any costume was offensive to the majority of any culture.

Intersectionality – This word confused me for so long. People kept explaining it as “black women often have problems specific to their group that neither women’s groups nor black groups themselves are equipped to fight” which just seemed obviously true and didn’t seem like we needed a word for it.

Over the years, I’ve seen it be used as a reminder of “don’t forget how your activism affects other marginalized groups”, so it’s probably a useful concept to keep around.

Microaggressions – I think being oblivious to microaggressions is an autism thing, but I still think it’s insane to make them a political issue. Sure, you can vent about them, but acting like they’re on par with actual aggressions just seems like a losing cause.

On second thought, I don’t think I have a problem with making them a political issue in general. I think the whole tactic of SJWs being a hateful harassment mob makes the microaggressions thing just come off as especially petty.

I also think there’s a lot of competing access needs here. I actually really like infodumping about what kind of Asian I am to anyone willing to listen, and I think acting like the question is the root of all evil is really unfair, especially since literally everyone who’s ever asked has been happy to learn about the finer points about Chinese ethnic groups.

Isms as prejudice + power – People have mostly stopped discoursing about this, which is good. Language policing always seemed bad to me.

Objectification – SSC says everything I feel on the topic: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/03/17/my-objections-to-objectification/

The last time this came up in Discord, people said that objectification is more than the straw-man being criticized in this article, that it’s about people being entitled to your body or whatever. But I think the article does address that: “This is obviously a legitimate complaint. It’s just not a complaint about objectification.”

I got exposed to objectification as a criticism of hot girls in video games. And I just can’t see hot girls in video games as a bad thing.

Rape culture – [cw rape] This is an incredibly sensitive subject so I’m going to give you some time to stop reading here.

Our culture has a serious problem with rape. I think it’s important to understand that it’s usually committed by friends and family, that it’s depressingly common and has nearly definitely happened to people you know, that it’s usually committed by people who don’t think of what they’re doing as rape, and that all the discourse on it is really fucked up.

I also think that calling this “rape culture” entirely misses the point. I’m sympathetic that SSC doesn’t understand it: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/04/19/i-do-not-understand-rape-culture/

Our problem isn’t that we glorify rape. Our problem is that we consider it a special kind of evil so bad that of course no normal person would ever do it, and this makes it easy to rationalize that whatever this normal person did couldn’t have been rape, which causes huge harms.

I don’t have answers, but I think it’s incredibly clear that calling it “rape culture” doesn’t help.

In general, I don’t think feminist activism on the topic of rape goes in the right direction. The smug “consent is like tea” video has the exact same problem. People don’t need to hear more “normal people would never rape” messaging.

[canmom]

self harm notes - cw probably obvious

attempts to observe through introspection how, when, and why i self harm in order to like. do it less, ideally never

typically happens when i feel like i’ve done some particularly bad mistake or transgression. especially seems to happen when i feel like i’ve caused stress or trouble for A__ since that is currently like... one of the things i feel most responsible for doing i guess? i don’t want to be one of the assholes who are burning her out. in the past though it was like... academic and social failures.

i believe i picked up the habit at university. at least i can’t remember doing it before, at least not with any regularity. very vague memories of doing it at home.

people have generally not ever used physical punishment on me - my parents are heavily opposed to it and it’s illegal for teachers. i would occasionally be hit by other students at school but usually bullying was limited to verbal harassment since i or my parents would not hesitate to snitch to teachers back then. so it’s not clear where i got the idea that if i have transgressed, i should be hit?

during uni i had subjected myself to various kinds of cult grooming process (c.f. lesswrong, online sj) which both emphasised everyone’s deep flaws and moral obligation to train out of cognitive biases/latent prejudice. however neither ideology would particularly recommend physical punishment. moreover, i am also strongly opposed to the use of violent coercion on e.g. children. so why do i treat myself how i would never condone treating someone else?

in any case at some point i got this idea i guess. when i feel i have done something really badly wrong i feel a kind of pressure at the back of my mind to start hitting myself. not doing so takes active effort; i will start raising my arm and then force it back down.

i usually just do open hand slaps to the face and top of the head. i believe this is startling and loud but unlikely to leave a permanent visible injury or brain damage.

i have seen other people self harm very obviously and openly as a manipulative behaviour in an argument e.g. by hitting head on a wall. i have also had an ex who used to hit herself in a very similar way to me, which i found very distressful. she offered to do it out of sight but wouldn’t stop doing it. since i do not want to do either of those things, i will usually flee somewhere that’s theoretically out of sight or earshot of everyone to self harm.

prior to doing so i will be very obviously distressed and tense. i will not be receptive to attempts to reassure me or show affection because they do not feel deserved. i will feel that i am compounding the original error by wasting someone’s time tending to me, which shouldn’t be necessary, because i should not be so distressed.

after self harming i usually cry for a bit. i will probably feel calmer at this point. then i can come back and deal with the original problem more rationally... at least in theory. there is a big release of tension after hitting myself repeatedly in the head, although it usually comes back before long.

despite all my efforts to hide the act at the time, i will almost certainly admit to having self harmed later. we may talk about it. this may be helpful but it does not prevent the behaviour.

i had gone a few months without self harming but the last couple of days i felt the urge very powerfully. yesterday i was able to contain it, although the pressure of not self harming meant that i was even more distressed about what should have been an entirely manageable situation than i would have been otherwise. today i could not resist because i had very clearly messed up in a way that was 1. totally avoidable 2. blatantly not a reasonable mistake 3. seemingly caused a lot of trouble to a__. a__ was frustrated and asked me to leave her to deal with it - both understandable feelings. however, to me, this felt like a comprehensive failure as a person; everything i was supposed not to be. she came up to reassure me soon after, but this did not remove the compulsion to self harm if i couldn’t immediately see a way to make up for it.

a__ has never treated me aggressively or given the slightest sign she would cause any sort of physical harm to me, and i wouldn’t want her to hit me or shout at me either. she is consistently very careful to reassure me and treat me gently. even when she’s having a bad time, she will not raise her voice. somehow i am very sensitive to her moods and attitude towards me. i do not know what i’m afraid of exactly - a moral failure to live up to an ideal i have created of a ‘good girlfriend’ perhaps. she has never told me she expects anything of the sort and i would imagine she finds this catastrophising behaviour very distressing.

i have eventually told her most times i’ve self harmed and she has taken it all in stride and helped me process it - i know she deals with much worse from other people but i still hate that i have this side and can’t keep it a secret, even though i know rationally it’s better to talk about it. this behaviour long predates our relationship and i don’t know why i feel such overwhelming guilt when i act in ways that i feel have harmed her. i don’t believe she has done anything to cultivate this attitude and indeed even when she’s annoyed, she tries very hard to treat mistakes as systemic rather than individual failings. basically i can’t think of anything she could be expected to do that she doesn’t already.

i really really wish i could be a girlfriend who would not fly off the handle of self-hatred at minor setbacks like this. she has never needed me to be perfect.

obviously this is a behaviour i would like to stop. i hope that by writing these notes i can better understand it. i know the formal distant tone is kind of a really weird way to write about this but i don’t feel like i can talk about it any other way.

i don’t know how to stop this happening. 99% of the time i do not have a desire to self harm, but when i do feel this need, it is overwhelming and no rational belief that it won’t help anything will mitigate the immediate feeling that i’m bad and i need to be punished and hurt, by myself if nobody else will be so inclined. this seems different from other experiences of self harm that involve e.g. trying to get a sense of control over the body by cutting.

i think this is a very boring way to be crazy, but then most of the ways i’m crazy are quite boring.

that’s about all i can think to say. this is very unhealthy, but like the adhd, it’s a disease of inconsistent motivation that i have little idea how to adjust ‘in the moment’. right now, i very strongly desire to never self harm again, but this will not be slightly relevant next time this comes up. i do not know how to affect this future bryn who will surely spring back into existence next time i fuck something up badly.

i owe it to everyone, me included, to stop acting like this, i just wish i knew how :(