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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 1 year

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Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 15

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 8/11/2023

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Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Warning: detailed description of mental health trauma response.

Chapter Quote: “Stay with me. Please.”

A/N: Surprise! Dropping this one at midnight because if I wait until tomorrow and read through it again, I may have an emotional break myself. This chapter includes detailed descriptions of an individual’s trauma response episodes. We are about to start getting deeper into the mental health stuff. There is some fluff, but overall it’s an angsty chapter. It might help to have a tissue handy. I won’t lie, there is one part that makes me tear up every time I read through it and that is after I dialed it back some. Consider yourselves warned.

After I finished my work hours on Monday, I packed up everything I thought that I might need for the remainder of the week. I had decided to work from Dieter’s house so that I could continue the upgrades on his kitchen during my down time. I was determined to keep myself busy. There was also something comforting about being at his house while he was away. I felt closer to him somehow.

He facetimed me each evening. We would chat as he watched me paint and put up the backsplash. He was so intrigued by the whole process and asked so many questions. Several times he said that he would much rather be there helping me or watching me in person. He equated it to watching me cook. He said he found it to be relaxing.

We had fallen into a new routine during that week. Every night, we would take a brief break so that I could shower and get ready for bed. Every night I changed into his shirt and crawled into his bed, then I would call him back. Every night, he would talk to me until he fell asleep. As the week went on, I could tell he was tired and wearing down. However, he always seemed to perk up once our conversations started.

On Saturday, I could hardly contain my excitement since he was due to return that evening. I got up early and changed into my overalls and a tank. I put my hair up in a messy bun and threw on my white sneakers. I spent the entire day rushing around. I went to pick up some cooking utensils, a large pot, and a pan because he still didn’t really have anything to cook with aside from the basics. I also had to run to the grocery store for necessary ingredients since I planned to make dinner for him in his newly redone kitchen. I figured he wouldn’t say no to his new favorite meal, manicotti. When I got back to his house, I had to hurry and clean up before I started cooking. Even though I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, every hour seemed like it was two as the day drug on.

He called me while he was at the airport waiting for his flight. His spirits seemed to be higher than they had been earlier in the week. I told him I would meet him at his place when he got home and let him know I was making dinner.

It was close to six thirty when I heard the front door open. I was in the midst of mixing the filling for the noodles when he walked toward the kitchen. His eyes were zoned in on me as he dropped his bags on the floor. I gave him a big smile as I continued to mix the ricotta cheese filling with my hands. I was taken aback by the wanting look on his face. I raised an eyebrow at him, which seemed to break him from his trance. He smiled back as he walked over to me. He stood behind me as I continued to work on the food, laying his chin on my shoulder at first. After a moment, he slowly slid his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his chest, hugging me tightly. Suddenly I felt him dragging his nose and lips up my neck and behind my ear before he buried his face into my hair and inhaled deeply.

I couldn’t help tilting my head toward him as he moved. It was an involuntary reaction. I felt the electric shock run directly down to my core as goosebumps formed all over my body. I closed my eyes, briefly pausing my movements, and inhaled a deep breath, trying to calm nerve endings. What the fuck was he doing?

“You’ve been using my shampoo.”

I exhaled the breath I was holding. I tilted my head away, attempting to put some space between us before I turned around to take things a step further.

“Yeah, I was too lazy to pack my own apparently,” I replied a little breathlessly.

I quickly removed the cheese mixture from my hands and stepped away from his embrace to wash up, feeling lightheaded as I went. I could feel his eyes on my back as I moved around the kitchen. When I turned to face him, he was biting his bottom lip and staring at me. I noticed his eyes were darkened by his dilated pupils. I raised my brows at him again. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to this. My body was telling me one thing while my mind said another.

“So, what do you think? Do you like it?” I opted for redirection and motioned toward the surrounding area of the kitchen.

For the first time, he looked around.

“Yeah, it looks great. I love it. You did a good job!” He gave me a genuine smile as his eyes crinkled at the corners.

“Thank you. Happy to be of service.” I gave him a small head nod and smiled before changing the subject.

“You want to go take a quick shower and change while I finish up dinner?” He honestly looked like a hot mess from the day of travel, and I needed to get him away from me for a minute so I could reign myself in. He gave me a slow nod as he backed away and grabbed his bags off the floor before he headed off toward his bedroom. He kept his eyes on me most of the way and I’m fairly certain he mumbled something about a cold shower. I was momentarily stunned. I had to convince myself that I misheard him.

As I was finishing up with the food, Dieter came shuffling into the kitchen. I momentarily paused what I was doing when I caught sight of him. He was wearing his striped pajama pants slung low over his hips and no shirt. His hair was still wet and slicked back, with a small piece hanging down over his forehead. Was he purposefully trying to work me into a frenzy? He walked over next to me and started sampling the food. He seemed to be on his best behavior this time around. Maybe he did take a cold shower… I didn’t dare to think of what else he could have done to calm himself down.

We made it through dinner without any more incidents and things seemed like they were back to normal as we chatted, and he filled me in on his trip. I was continuously distracted by his bare chest and arms though. I feel like he noticed my not-so-subtle staring based on the amused expression he kept giving me as he spoke, but he said nothing.

I left soon after dinner with the excuse that he needed to catch up on his sleep. He didn’t seem too eager about it, but he also didn’t argue. He thanked me again for his kitchen and for making dinner, noting that I am spoiling him. I laughed at the thought of it.

He walked me to the door and pulled me in for one of his tight hugs. My hands may have lingered on his bare skin longer than necessary before we pulled away from each other. I also may have drug my hands across his body a little more than necessary as I released him. By the time I left, I was so worked up that my thoughts were all over the place. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to behave myself.

As the week went on, we settled back into our familiar routine. Dieter seemed to be getting back to his normal self, until Friday rolled around. That was the day that everything started to change.

I was sitting at the kitchen table working when he came in a little earlier than normal. He seemed agitated as he walked through the living room, dropping his keys on the floor. I could hear him curse under his breath as he bent down to pick them up. He set them on the table, along with his phone and wallet before he made his way over to where I was sitting.

I thought he was going to sit at the table with me, but instead he came up behind me, leaned down and put his arms around my shoulders, burying his face into my neck and hair. He sat there for a moment without moving. Breathing in deeply. I paused, unsure of what to do. I suddenly had an unsettling feeling in my gut. I raised my hands to his arms that were crossed over my chest and rubbed them gently. He finally spoke up, with his face still buried in my hair.

“Good morning,” he mumbled.

“Good morning. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well, and it’s already been a long day.”

He sighed as he slowly stood and walked toward the refrigerator for a drink. He looked exhausted. Afterwards, he headed into the living room and settled in on the couch. I heard the tv pop on soon after. About an hour or so later I took a break to run to the bathroom. As I walked through, I noticed Dieter had fallen asleep. He looked like he was cold, so I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and threw it over him.

Sometime after I got back to work in the kitchen, I could hear Dieter mumbling in his sleep. It eventually turned to gasping cries. I immediately ran over to check on him and tried to wake him up. He eventually bolted upright to a sitting position as he looked around with panic in his eyes.

He was breathing heavy, shallow breaths as he grabbed onto me, pulling me down to sit on the edge of the couch beside him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He responded by wrapping his around me and leaning onto my shoulder while he struggled to calm down. I ran my fingers through his sweaty hair and rubbed his back as I fought with my own emotions. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. Once his breathing slowed down, I spoke.

“Are you ok?”

He didn’t answer, instead he pulled away. He looked at me blankly with his red rimmed glossy eyes as if I wasn’t there. I reached up to cup his face.

“Dieter, talk to me. Are you ok?”

He finally snapped out of it as his eyes focused on me. He took a deep breath and turned away from my touch. He raked both of his shaky hands down his face while he tried to process what was happening.

“Can you talk to me, please?”

“No, I’m fine,” he said quietly with a trembling voice.

He sat there for a beat longer before he scooted down the couch and stood. He was avoiding my eyes as I took in his current state. He ran his hand through his hair momentarily before saying he was going to go work out and then take a shower. He sighed heavily as he turned to go downstairs.

I sat still, in shock. I was having a hard time understanding what had just transpired. The tears slowly started to run down my face as I attempted to regulate my breathing. This had completely thrown me for a loop. Did this happen often? Is that why he had trouble sleeping? I just assumed he was having trouble staying asleep, I didn’t realize he was having nightmares. This gave me a whole new outlook on his behavior and habits. My chest tightened as I realized whatever he had going on was far worse than I could have imagined. I wasn’t really sure how to navigate the situation. I decided I wasn’t going to push him. I felt like he would talk when he was ready. I would just continue to be supportive as I had been.

He had been downstairs for about two hours when Lauren showed up for our Friday dinner. She could immediately tell something was off with me when she came into the kitchen. I tried to keep an eye out for him as I filled her in on what had happened. She sat in silence with her hand covering her mouth as I told her. She shook her head from side to side in disbelief. She too looked like she wanted to shed a few tears but managed to keep it together.

“When he comes back up, just act normal, ok? I don’t really know how else to handle this,” I said with an exasperated sigh.

“Totally understand. I’m not really sure what to say either. If you want, we can just skip dinner. He won’t even know I was here.” “No, I think it may help to not deviate from what we normally do. It might help take his mind off things.” She nodded her head in agreement.

We faintly heard the downstairs door open, so she moved to start pulling out dishes and such for us to eat, doing well to pretend she knew nothing. Dieter came into the kitchen, briefly stopping to give Lauren a side hug and telling her hello. He came up beside me at the stove as I was cooking and put one arm around my shoulders.

“Is there anything I can help with,” he asked quietly. He started to worry at his lip, he looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes. They were wide and sad as he raised his questioning eyebrows at me. I looked at him briefly, with my brows drawn together, attempting to read his emotions. He looked… apologetic? My focus was broken by Lauren announcing she had to pee as she disappeared down the hallway. She was not so subtly giving us a minute alone.

My eyes went back to his and he gave me a shy smile.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I was kind of an ass. I just…I had a therapy session this morning and I guess it’s made me a bit of a mess today.” I was a little shocked at his apology.

“Dieter, you have no reason to apologize. I was never mad, just concerned. It took me by surprise.”

“Well, I’m sorry for upsetting you, just the same.”

I moved the pot I was currently cooking in, off the stove eye, then reached up and grabbed his face in my hands as I gave him an intense look.

“Hey, don’t you ever apologize for that. There’s no need. It’s not something you can control. I get it, sometimes I have an episode and I want to be alone to process it. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to pressure you into talking to me about it if you don’t want to. I do want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what though.”

His face tightened while he fought to hold back his emotions. His eyes turned glassy again as he searched my face. He glanced down as he spoke, and I dropped my hands from his face. He started roughly rubbing along the countertop with his fingertips.

“I do want to tell you… everything. I’m just… not sure I’m there yet. I don’t know if I can say it.”

“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” I gave him a reassuring smile as I grabbed his hand that was rubbing the counter.

“I seriously don’t deserve you,” he said while he continued to fight back tears. I could feel my eyes stinging now. I pulled him in for a hug. As we sat there in an embrace, Lauren peeked around the corner, she sort of grimaced then quietly backtracked down the hallway a bit so that she was out of sight.

I cleared my throat and released him. We both took a moment to pull ourselves together. I heard the bathroom door shut loudly. I had to stifle a chuckle as Lauren clomped down the hallway. I had to appreciate her commitment.

Dieter seemed mostly normal through dinner. I could tell things were still on his mind, but he was making an effort to be present. Lauren was putting in the extra work to keep things lighthearted with jokes and funny anecdotes about her customers from the past week. However, once dinner was finished, she said she had to teach an early class in the morning, so she was going to head out. I knew she was just trying to give us some space, which I appreciated. I felt like he needed to decompress some more anyway.

We cleaned up from dinner in silence. I didn’t push him to talk, I just let him be. I could tell his mind was somewhere else. Once we were finished, I told him to pick a movie to watch. I wasn’t surprised to find one of his favorite zombie movies queued up when I came back from changing into some pajama pants and t-shirt.

Dieter was settled into the corner of the sectional leaning against the pile of pillows. I sat down on the adjoining side and laid across the pillows behind him. I started rubbing my fingers through his hair and lightly scratching his head as we watched the movie. I could see the tension leave his body and he eventually drifted off to sleep. He barely made it an hour into the movie.

Once the movie was over, I decided to leave him be, since he seemed to be sleeping so well. I covered him with the blanket and headed to my bedroom to go to sleep.

At some point in the middle of the night, I awoke to the sound of Dieter screaming in his sleep. This time was worse than earlier. I jumped out of bed to run to him in the darkness. There was just enough light streaming in from the outside that I could see him sitting on his knees in the floor. He was rocking with his hands over his head as he sobbed. I turned the light on and quickly got down in front of him. I removed his hands from his head as I yelled his name, trying to force him to look at me. He continued to rock and push me away while he whimpered. I wasn’t even sure if he was awake.

He eventually stilled, raising his head to look at me. His eyes were blank, staring off at nothing. He was looking directly at me, but he wasn’t seeing me. I started to cry as I tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t responding. I didn’t know what to do. I crawled over, straddling his lap, then wrapped my arms around him. I pulled his head into the crook of my neck as I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to sooth him and bring him back to me any way I could.

After a few minutes, I felt his slack arms start to move at my sides. I released him and leaned back to look at his face. He looked terrified and confused as his eyes darted around the room. Once they settled on my face, he started breathing shallow breaths before he broke into sobs. I pulled him back into an embrace as he sobbed into my neck. He wrapped his arms around me, but it wasn’t in a hug. It was more like he was trying to hold on. I silently cried with him. I couldn’t help it.

We sat that way for what seemed like an eternity. He completely unraveled on me as I whispered words of comfort and rubbed his back and hair. Once he finally pulled himself together, he apologized and started mumbling about going home so he didn’t keep me up all night. I leaned back to look at him again, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“Stay with me. Please.” It came out as more of a statement than a question.

For whatever reason, that brought his attention to me. His big brown eyes were filled with sadness and tears as he stared at my face. He exhaled slowly as he shook his head in agreement.

I slowly stood, never letting go of his hand. I pulled him along behind me toward my bedroom. He stood next to the bed, unsure of what to do. He seemed like a lost child at that moment. My heart was breaking to see him like this. I silently walked over and took his shirt off, then unbuttoned his pants. I told him to take those off as I went over to dig through the laundry basket to find some shorts that he had left there. He pulled those on, then crawled into bed.

I took a moment to go into the bathroom so that I could pull myself together. My face was stinging from the tears. I quickly splashed some water on it to help sober my emotions. When I walked out of the bathroom, Dieter had his face buried in my pillow. It appeared that he was already dozing off. I crawled into bed behind him. I snuggled in as closely as I could and wrapped my arm around him. He reached for my hand and entwined our fingers as he pulled them to rest near his chest. I nuzzled my face into his back. It didn’t take long for his breathing to change to deep steady breaths. Once I was sure he was asleep, I allowed myself to drift off too.

When I woke up the next morning, Dieter wasn’t in the bed. I took a moment to take a few deep breaths and try to process the events of the previous night. I didn’t know how to. I got up and walked toward the kitchen, where I found him cooking. This was different.

“You’re cooking,” I said a little stunned.

“Yeah, I told you I could handle the breakfast basics.”

He gave me that adorable lop-sided grin. His energy seemed better today. I walked over to see what he was cooking. As I stood next to him, he wrapped his left arm around me and pulled me into his side against his bare skin. I hugged him back around his waist with both arms and laid my head on him as he flipped the bacon with his other hand. He reached up and scratched at the back of my head. We stood like that until the bacon was ready, not saying any words. I could tell he didn’t want to talk about what happened, but he was silently thanking me for being there for him the only way he knew how to.

After eating, we ended up hanging out at my house for the rest of the day. During the afternoon, rather than working out to burn off his energy, Dieter opted for laps around the pool. Since he was doing that, I decided on sunbathing. I also planned to read a book I had been working on. I chose to wear the light blue bikini with the macrame overlay that Lauren insisted looked amazing on me. I figured I might as well look good while I did it.

I got situated while Dieter was doing his laps. He hadn’t noticed that I had come out. I sat in a lounge chair with the book in my hands, but I hadn’t read a single word. He had been doing laps for at least twenty minutes without stopping. He wasn’t kidding about the abnormal amount of stamina I thought to myself. I had to immediately chastise myself for thinking such things. My thoughts were starting to get a little ridiculous as I watched his arm muscles tighten with his movements.

When he was finished, I watched him pull himself up on the side of the pool and get out. His back was still to me so I could see his glistening muscles flex as he moved. I really did try to avert my eyes, but I couldn’t help it. He grabbed a towel and started drying his face. He turned as he did so, finally noticing me on the other side. He paused briefly and started biting his lip. He raised an eyebrow in my direction. I could tell he inhaled deeply as he eyed me.

He slowly walked over, continuing to dry himself off as he went and sat down on the chair beside me. He narrowed his eyes in my direction before he spoke up.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Reading.”

“Oh yeah, what page are you on?” His question surprised me. I looked down at the page number.

“136, why?”

“You haven’t gotten very far.”

“How do you know?” I gave him some serious side eye.

“Because I picked it up this morning to read the description. That’s the page that was marked.”

I could feel my face heating up. Busted.

“I haven’t been sitting here long.”

He gave me his sassy “I don’t believe you look.”

I shrugged, “I feel like you're insinuating something. Whatever it is, it’s not accurate.”

He smiled at me, “Yeah, ok.”

He laid back in the lounge chair. He started tapping on the sides of the chair as I was attempting to read. It was completely distracting me.

“You have sunscreen on, right?”

I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. It was my turn to narrow my eyes. He held his hands up.

“Hey, just making sure all of that… skin… is safe.”

He looked a little flustered. I was half tempted to ask him to put some on my back, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I finally gave up on reading. We ended up chatting for a bit until it got too hot. As we were getting up to go inside, he took the opportunity to scoop me up over his shoulder and throw me into the pool. It didn’t go unnoticed by me that he had his hand resting on my ass as he carried me. I didn’t mind it of course. I still threw a few choice words at him as I climbed out of the pool though.

He watched me as laughed hysterically, “Sorry, I just wanted to see you get wet,” he said between laughs. I gave him a disbelieving look.

Once he realized what he had said, he had a surprised look on his face as he snapped his mouth shut.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” he said quickly.

“Yeah, you better get out of my sight you weirdo.”

He threw his towel at me as he headed toward the house, looking slightly embarrassed, but also glancing in my direction as I dried off. It was becoming more apparent to me that we were both shamelessly flirting with each other. I just hoped it didn’t lead to the downfall of our friendship in the process.

By the time we both showered (separately), it was nearing dinner time. We opted for doordash from a local Mexican restaurant that he enjoyed. While we waited, we started an episode of a new series we had been eyeballing. When the food arrived, we ate quickly, then went back to our marathon. We sat the same way we had the previous night. At one point I had reached down to scratch his head again, but he grabbed my hand and held it against his shoulder instead. He sat lightly rubbing circles with his thumb for some time. I briefly wondered if he was afraid he would fall asleep again.

As it got later, I started to doze off. He gently woke me up to let me know he was going to go home. I suddenly felt anxious about him being alone for the night. He seemed like he was feeling better though, so I let it slide. He gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek as he headed out the door for the night. I went to bed soon after.

I was jolted awake from a deep sleep by the loud ringing of my cell. I glanced up at the clock. It was 3:24 AM. I quickly reached over to grab my phone, worried something was wrong. It was Dieter.

“Dieter? Are you ok?”

“Do you mind if I come back over?” As he asked, his voice seemed unsteady. He didn’t even bother to explain why. He didn’t have to. I already knew.

“Of course not. Do whatever you need to.”

He immediately hung up. I wasn’t sure how much longer it was before I felt him slide into bed with me. When he did, he didn’t hesitate to pull my back against his chest, tightly hugging me to him. He nuzzled his face into the back of my neck. I reached up behind me to rub at his face. It was wet. He had been crying again. He reached for my hand, removing it from his face and kissing it gently before he entwined our fingers and moved them down to rest at my chest. It didn’t take long before he was asleep.

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pynkricee · 10 months

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A Permanent Red Stain: Redamancy

Chapter 1

KyiGo, is a woman in her 30's, divorced from her ex after 5 years of marriage, leaving her with a two year old daughter to raise. After a year of being single, trying to find self-love and her self-worth again, she finally wanted to step back out into the world and discover something worth wild. From understanding her hatred to understanding the person that it turned her into, she will always try and do what's best for her baby girl. Even if it meant sacrificing her happiness? Even if that may mean stepping into a new love she never imagined? Or breaking the cycle of being afraid to love again....

I was tired. So tired that I couldn't even keep my eyes open but I knew I had to get home, cook, clean and get my daughter ready for school tomorrow. That also meant the possibility of me putting up a slight with her to get her to sleep in time if i could. Luri, still being the age of two, was still attached and wanted to cuddle up under me every chance that my little monster got. Every time we were alone, that was our comfort in peace. She was my baby girl and I loved her more than anything. She was all that I had, and I was grateful. I couldn't ask for anything else or anything more.

The house seemed like it was always a complete mess with her toys all over the floor, but I was even still too tired to bend over to clean them up every evening when I made it home from work.

Fuck It, ill do it tomorrow… (That was my main motto. I'll do it tomorrow. But even in Tomorrow, I knew I would be the definition of too busy.)

I felt like I was even too busy to have a life of my own…..

Finally after a long night of cooking and cleaning, I was able to soundly get her to bed, this was the only time that i could squeeze a moment in for myself. And that was to be replaced with a nice, hot, long shower. I would consider this.. the best part of my day, not including spending time with my daughter of course. Yes she was my everything. My entire world. The air that I breathe.. But it was nice to get some ‘me’ time in even if that meant that I had to step away for a moment from ‘The Mommy Life.’

Getting my main essentials ready for my shower, that I placed on the sink, I looked in the mirror fluffing up my short curly black locks that I cut off a few months ago. I was accustomed to having long hair for years, so I decided to cut it all off. When I mean I cut it all off, I went from sixteen inches to having a short undercut with a curly top. And I was completely in love with it. It was different, new but it was easy to take care of. Being a black woman in the black society, your hair was and has always been deemed as ‘your crown’, and if you didn't have the long black, Aesthetic look, you were basically judged for it. I thought it was the most stupid thing so I did the complete opposite. And I'm glad that I did because I don't regret it one bit. Aside from that I had the hair grade to pull off any hairstyle.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I always notice my large breasts that grew up two sizes after having my daughter, is something that I still very well have to get used to. My light stretch marks that curled down my hip dips and around my waist, complimented me more than they used to before I had kids. My semi light toasty skin hue, that changed colors during the seasons. My small seven foot size with my tiny toes. I had no type of ass, but I must admit, it was soft. I always have a smile on my face when I would rub it every now and then. A slight jiggle is all I had but it was all I needed. I was very petite and somewhat slim except for the gut my little one gave me after birth that I've grown to actually love. So right now, I was just as pale as the slice of bread my daughter left for me on the floor as a gift this evening.

(Being a mother of one, I always tried to compliment myself every chance that I got. Even if it was in silence. Even if it was hard. Even on my toughest days I had to be the one to bring myself up for my own protection. Like I said, even if it was hard. And there were times it was hard….)

“Shit…..” This felt so good. I thought to myself as I let the hot water span down my naked body, standing under the shower, with my mouth open, nipples hard from the warm water sliding off them. I wish I had someone who could touch me right now. Just maybe hold me for a second. I opened my eyes to know the reality of my thoughts were just as dry as the hot air that blew from the heater.

(Why… Do I always think like this in the shower? Of all places. It seems like it never fails…)

“Mama…” I then opened my eyes again to the sound of my baby girl crying, knowing that certainly meant she was missing me. That I wasn't beside her like I needed to be. “Well then… I guess that means my time is up for the night. It really was nice while it lasted…” I said in a low tone to myself, turning off the water and grabbed a towel to dry myself off.

I took my hand, wiping it across the fog to clear my reflection in the mirror. But I couldn't help but notice the look I had in my eyes. The look in my eyes.. was somewhat.. soulless? Like something was still missing in my life. I couldn't help but let out a soft sigh and crack a small grin on the corner of my lips to let myself know ‘It was alright..’ I always tried to convince myself that it wasn't love… But I knew deep down, thats what it fucking was. That I wanted someone to just love me right for once.

After getting dressed for bed, I held my daughter close as we went to sleep for the night. Ready to repeat the same day tomorrow. I kissed her gently, holding her in my arms in a sweet embrace that warmed my heart until we both fell asleep.

I was just ready for the weekend…….

That next morning came and I was already ready to get the day over with. I was just ready to execute the plans I made for Luri and I for the weekend. Which included going to see the new Dora movie that came out in theaters last weekend. (Her idea though.) I won't lie, I was super excited to finally be able to relax and spend some quality time with her. Especially knowing I'd be off for the next couple of days.

After about a ten minute drive I finally made it up to her school. All the parents were rushing in the back seats of their cars, unhooking their babies from their car seats, and running them into their classes so they wouldn't be late for work. I won't lie, I was actually one of them.

Finally entering the building, I took my baby girl into her classroom, which was the second door to the right of the walkway entrance. When I would go in, I'd usually just hand her to the teacher and leave after waving goodbye to her…. But her teacher wasn't there today. “Hey Nobara, Sarah isn't here today?” Nobara was Sarah's other assistant in class that helped with handling the kids when she wasn't in attendance. As I looked around the corner of the classroom, I noticed I didn't see my daughter as she walked off around the corner to the bathroom.

“No.. She's out sick for the week with covid. It's been really going around.” Fucking great! That's really what I needed to hear. That's all I need right now. As she was changing another child on the changing table I looked around for Luri before I walked off, but I still didn't see her.

“Such a beautiful girl you are. I love your eyebrows!” Said the voice of a tall pale man coming from around the corner with my daughter in his arms with her coat over his shoulder. I immediately stopped because it caught me off guard. (Someone I didn't know was holding my daughter.)

“KyiGo ….” Nobara said walking up to me, cleaning her hands off with another baby wipe. I was still glued to this man as he too walked up to me with “My” daughter in his arms. “This is Choso. He's going to be filling in for Sarah until she gets back from sick leave.” He stood her down on the ground and we watched as she ran off with the other kids.

“Hey I'm Choso.” He said hold my hand out to shake. I shook it but I was still hesitant about someone that was new around my baby girl.

“Nice to meet you Choso… I'm KyiGo.” I said releasing his hand. His skin was cool to the touch but gentle at the same time. He too was somewhat an odd one though. He was dressed in all black, black Nike high tops, a black G-Shock watch on his wrist..(Which was my favorite watch brand. But I haven't been able to get as of late because they ‘were’ pretty expensive.) Black hair that he kept in a bun with a few free bangs hanging down over his Amber eyes that darkened as he stood in front of me. His pink lips….

(Wait..Wh…Why am I looking at his lips? His lips of all things..Hang on, that smell though. Is that Top Boy Cologne?)

(Please snap out of it Go…)

“Your daughter has the thickest eyebrows!” He said with a soft smile. Nobara was sitting there, slightly looking at me giggling behind Choso. From the expression on her face she could tell my thoughts trailed off..slightly.

“Thank you… Mr. Choso right? I have no idea where she gets them from.” I could tell I was slightly blushing and I wanted to slap myself with both hands. And as hard as I could too.

He turned around slowly and started to walk towards the kids, cracking a small smirk on the side of his mouth making a soft “mhp” sound under his breath. “Just Choso. Added, she gets them from you.” He turned around walking to play with the babies. My daughter one of them.

I could promise that at that moment my eyes seemed to be the exact replica as Jasper from Twilight right about now. I had to turn my head away from the classroom because I knew for a fact it was fire fucking red in this daycare. Nobara was ‘still’ giggling, not making the situation any better. I was so embarrassed as I bit down on my lip to where I felt it was about to bleed. “Mmmhhppp” was the softly sound that murmured from my mouth.

My back was still turned as I waved bye to my baby girl, as I walked as quickly as I could out the school door and to my car. Rushing to unlock it, I opened the door, jumped into the seat and looked into the rear view. My face was so flushed. To the point where it looked like I absolutely had on makeup. Plus I never wore makeup unless it was a special occasion.

Choso… That was his name right? Choso?

Wait.. No..

What am I doing? Why am I thinking about his name? Why am I..thinking about him?

#choso #chosokamo #jujutsu kaisen choso #jjk choso #choso kamo #chosoandpynk #i love choso #choso and pynkricee #choso x reader #choso x black!reader #choso x black woman #choso x smut #chosokamo x black reader

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mouse-romance · 6 months

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Personal post (you can skip this one)

Sooo... I've been outside of the warhammer hobby for almost 3 weeks after a small incident i had ingame. I told my friends to play a very light-hearted game to try new armies (i wanted to try the mechanicus and some khorne stuff ive been cooking), and i encouraged them to do the same. Well... It went south, quick. They brought their competitive ultra minmaxed armies against mine, and it wasnt really fun. We had some laughs, dont get me wrong, no bad blood with my pals, but this made me consider to step out of 40k for good, and i stand there now. I thought to myself "hey, stick to the painting, you dont need to actually play" (I want to try AOS, my friends say it will be more my jam, less shooty-shooty, so im giving that a chance still). And well, this affected me more than what i initially thought, because then i went almost 3 weeks without painting or engaging in the hobby basically. I wanted to restart my enthusiasm with some new army i want to start (the ossiarch shenanigans), but tonight i wanted to break my cycle of indiference and start painting again. And it's been a religious experience. I forgot how good it feels to caress the brush over the steel, how the metallic sticks, how the darker colors invade the premises with sirurgical perfection. I 100% forgot how important is painting for me, how it makes me feel. I dont care about results, my painting is decent, so i stick to the fun of the moment.

I've been 5 hours in a trance, i didnt even know what time it was until now, nor did i care. No videos, no podcasts, no nothing. Just me and the smol bois, me and my passion.

I didnt do anything super crazy tonight though, i painted the same schemes, the same miniatures of the pile of shame, nothing big or revealing... But i felt every single moment. It's been amazing, honestly, and i know this is not the case for everyone (im a painter, others are more players etc), but please try to not turn the painting process into a chore. I know for most of you it is, but i made the mistake of falling into the "i must finish this" pipeline, rather than wake up every morning and say "today is gonna be this fella".

The contrast is drying as i type, and tomorrow i receive my first boney bois... I can't wait.

#personal #painting #warhammer

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fedorahead · 2 months

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it's weird trying to balance being a good and conscientious human, living within an onslaught of information and connections and constant stimulus, and having a processing disorder that leaves most of my functions on autopilot

if someone wants me to do something (like hang out with them tomorrow), does something with an expectation that i will be able to track and understand what's going on (like changing a profile picture or name), or thinks i have some specific capacity (like reading a dni list before reblogging a post), i'd usually prefer to be able to do that myself. but the fact is, for the majority of stuff, i just can't.

i want to be a conscientious person, and put in effort for those i care about, and i try my damnedest but between drowning in stimulus vying for my attention and having neurological disability, i will never be as caring or aware or capable as i feel like i ought.

being intelligent people assume i somehow have even more capacity for these things when really i'm barely surviving eating every day and even then my husband does all the cooking.

i have calendar alerts for birthdays. i have phone numbers saved in my phone. i have a notepad on my phone, open and full of so much information that if it didn't have a search function it would be useless. i can't remember i even have these things a lot of the time.

i see so many moralistic judgments of "if they really cared, they'd do xyz" and like ok maybe in the 1990s when we had moments without the buzzing of electronics and notifications and the last 15 conversations we had in the past hour on our minds. maybe for someone not only entirely neurotypical but also unplugged, maybe they'll remember holidays before the day of or after. but that's a rare species and i will never be that species because i need my technology to actually literally survive, and i need my connections because i don't have a community of parents and church and family and friends i grew up with, i have only this.

and it's overstimulating and i'm constantly drowning

and then people want to see me irl and i have to mask, and even when i'm hiding from the world they show up or i live with them and i have to mask, and i never have time where i don't have to mask.

and my sensory issues are always on high, especially during this heatwave, and while pregnant, and allergic to the dog and the cats and the air, and they don't turn off or go away or get better.

so i can't remember what day it is, hell i can't even do basic math most of the time.

so i do my best but if i do something callous or forgetful please remember that i'm firing on half a cylinder at best and i don't get to choose what uses that cylinder at any given time

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englishstrawbie · 2 years

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Serendipity (40/?)

Fandom: Station 19, Grey’s Anatomy

Characters: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca

Summary: A chance meeting at a bar leads to these two idiots falling in love. Follows canon and fills in the gaps of their relationship that we didn’t get to see on screen.

Also @ AO3.

* * * * * * * * * *

Family

Home should be an anchor, a port in a storm, a refuge, a happy place in which to dwell, a place where we are loved and where we can love. - Marvin J. Ashton

“Puoi passare i pomodori, per favore?”

Maya’s pronunciation is clumsy and painfully slow, but Carina can’t help but smile when she looks up from her phone with such a hopeful look on her face.

“Brava,” Carina says, passing her the bowl of freshly washed tomatoes.

Maya looks pleased with herself as she starts to chop the tomatoes into small chunks. It has been like this at every meal time since Gabriella’s visit, a renewed determination to learn some of the basics of her language. Carina tells her she doesn’t have to, that there is enough going on without adding learning Italian to her long to-do list, but she knows that once Maya has set her mind on something, there is no stopping her.

They move around the kitchen with ease, having become so accustomed to cooking together over the last couple of weeks that it is easy to anticipate each other’s next move. It feels domestic and lovely, and Carina ignores the aching feeling in her stomach when she thinks about the fact that Maya is going back to work tomorrow.

It feels like a step towards normal life, except Carina doesn’t know what normal is any more. She is still dealing with some of the administration from Andrew’s affairs and his boxes remain sealed in their spare room. She is on extended leave from work, Bailey having promised her that she can take as much time as she needs. The truth is, she doesn’t know if she will ever be able to go back and work in the hospital where her brother died or operate in the room where she cradled his lifeless body in her hands. She is still struggling to expel the images of his bloody injuries from her mind. She scours the photo albums, trying desperately to replace them with pictures of his happy, smiling face, and it works for a while but the memory of that day always comes back.

“Puoi passarmi il sale, per favore?”

Maya’s voice pulls her out of her thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“Did I get it wrong?” Maya asks, looking down at her phone with a frown.

“Oh, no bella, you were perfect,” Carina says. She leans in and presses a kiss to her cheek as she passes her the salt.

She feels Maya watching her as she goes back to prepping the fish they bought at the market for dinner, covering it with the breadcrumbs and parmesan she has mixed together. She waits for the inevitable question that Maya has already asked several times over the last couple of days.

“Are you sure you’re okay with me going back to work?”

“Of course, bambina. You can’t stay at home with me forever,” Carina says, even though she wishes she could.

“I know, but if it’s too soon…”

It will always be too soon, Carina thinks to herself. Out loud, she simply says, “I’ll be fine.”

“You know you can call me any time, if you need me,” Maya says.

Carina can hear in her voice that she is hesitant about leaving her. “I know,” she says with a small smile, endeared by her concern. “I’ll keep busy. I have to go into town tomorrow to talk to the bank about closing Andrea’s account.”

“Are you sure you want to do it by yourself? We can do it together on my day off, if you want,” Maya suggests.

Carina is tempted to say yes, but Maya has done so much for her already and she knows that once she is back at work, her days off will be precious. She doesn’t want it to always be like this, for their time together to be so sad and sombre, full of her brother’s death admin.

“I can do this one by myself.” She wipes her hands clean on a nearby cloth and puts them on Maya’s hips, twisting her round to face her. “You don’t have to babysit me any more,” she says gently. “And I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful for everything you’ve done, because I am.”

“I know,” Maya says softly.

“We have to move on,” Carina says, her voice breaking a little as she says it, knowing that her heart doesn’t really want to.

Maya runs her hands up and down Carina’s arms. “It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, you know,” she says lightly. “It doesn’t change how you feel about him or about losing him. But he would want you to live your life, he would want you to be happy.”

A tear runs down Carina’s cheek and Maya wipes it away with the tips of her fingers.

“You’re allowed to feel happy again.”

“You make me happy, bella,” Carina says softly, rubbing her nose slowly against Maya’s.

She dips her head and kisses her lightly, indulging in the warm feeling that spreads across her chest as Maya kisses her back, her arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her close.

“Besides,” Carina says when their lips part, “I thought we could do something fun on your next day off.”

“Fun?” Maya raises her eyebrows curiously. “Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Carina says. Her head isn’t really in the right space to come up with anything, so she says the first thing that comes to her. “Bowling?”

Maya’s lips twitch with amusement.

“Bowling? Like you would ever wear bowling shoes.”

Okay, she has a point. Carina crinkles her nose in disgust as she thinks about the number of people who put their feet into the same pair of stinky bowling shoes. Maya laughs at the face she pulls and Carina lets go of her hips with a playful huff. She likes it, though, the teasing and the lighter mood it creates.

They don’t go bowling – obviously – but two days later, after Maya sleeps off her first twenty-four shift in a while, they head towards the water and jump on the next harbour cruise. Covid protocols mean the boat is only half-full so that there is no over-crowding, which enables them to find a quiet spot at one end of the boat. They lean against the railings and watch the scenery pass them by in silence. A cold breeze hits Carina’s face, stinging like pin pricks, and she buries her face into her scarf for protection. Maya’s arm is linked with hers, her body adding another layer of warmth against the cool air. Carina leans into her, enjoying her company.

Andrew took her to the Space Needle not long after she arrived in Seattle, insisting that it was something that she had to do. Carina has travelled the world, seen so many sights and done so many crazy things, but the glass floor had made her lightheaded and Andrew had teased her mercilessly for weeks afterwards.

She thinks about that day now as they see it from the boat, standing proudly over the city, and it brings a smile to her face.

“You okay?”

Carina nods and leans over, resting her forehead against Maya’s temple and nuzzling her cheek.

“Your nose is cold!” Maya says with a giggle.

Carina laughs too and it feels good.

Maya takes her to The Everest for a late lunch. They haven’t been here since their first date, all those months ago. There have been so many dates since, but the first is still one of Carina’s favourites. The simplicity of getting to know each other, of sharing stories, of flirting all evening and fucking all night. It would be easy to feel melancholy about all the things that have happened since that night – there has been so much loss – but she chooses not to. Instead, she chooses to focus on the joyous moments that have filled her life.

Maya is at the centre of them all and, as she listens to her girlfriend regale her with the latest stories of what the residents of Seattle have been up to during the state-wide lockdown, she remembers that one of the last conversations she had with Andrew was about Maya, and how happy he was that they were happy together. She is glad that he knew that she has found her home, here in Seattle, when she has been so adrift for so long. She loves her travels and enjoys her freedom, but she has always missed having an anchor, a place to go home to – and now she does.

“What are you thinking about?” Maya asks her, noticing her glazed eyes.

“You,” Carina says, reaching her hand under the table and squeezing Maya’s thigh.

Carina presses her against the wall the moment they step into their apartment and kisses her deeply, taking them both by surprise with how strong her desire is. She hasn’t been touched in weeks and her body is screaming for a release.

“Vieni a letto con me,” she growls at Maya as she lifts her up and carries her down the hallway towards their bedroom.

The next morning, Carina watches as Maya gets ready for work, her heart sinking again at the thought of another twenty-four hours by herself. The boxes of Andrew’s belongings still need to be sorted and she should call Papa to see how he is doing, but she wishes they could waste the day together, avoiding reality.

“Why don’t you stop by the station for dinner later?” Maya suggests. When Carina looks unsure, she adds quickly: “Travis is cooking.”

Carina twists her lips thoughtfully. At least Travis knows how to make a decent meal.

“What about your Covid protocols?”

Maya shrugs. “You’re not seeing anyone except me,” Maya says. “Besides, there’s gotta be some perks of being captain, right?”

She leans down and brushes her lips against Carina in a goodbye kiss, before grabbing her bag.

Carina smiles. “Okay,” she says, knowing she can always find an excuse if she doesn’t feel up for seeing a lot of people.

She stays in bed when Maya leaves, although she doesn’t sleep. She used to close her eyes the moment she heard the apartment door click shut, but although sleeping is easier now, she still struggles to rest. She is used to being busy, to being on her feet all day at work, and her body has become lethargic over the last few weeks.

She could go for a walk, but the weather forecast isn’t good and she is not in the mood to dodge rain showers. She thinks about doing a workout with Maya’s home gym equipment, but the bed is cosy and warm.

Maybe later, she thinks.

Instead, she picks up her phone. People are still finding out about Andrew and sending her their condolences, and she finds another four messages waiting for her. She sends a quick ‘thank you’ to each of them, then scrolls through her contacts list to find her father’s number. She pulls herself up to sitting and pushes the hair out of her eyes, before hitting the call button.

It rings and rings, but there is no answer and eventually it trips to his voicemail. She doesn’t bother to leave a message. She knows she is stupid to believe that their conversation a few days ago was anything more than a brief moment of peace in an otherwise tumultuous relationship.

With a heavy sigh, she drags herself out of bed and into the apartment, picking up her laptop and opening her work emails. She feels guilty for not checking in with some of her long-term patients. She has an inbox full of messages from them, all of them sorry for her loss but with an undertone of wishing she would return to work soon. She supposes she should be touched that they miss her so much.

She doesn’t get very far before her phone starts to vibrate on the table. She wonders if it is Papa, but when she looks down, she sees Gabriella’s name staring up at her.

“Gabriella, ciao,” she greets her.

“Ciao,” Gabriella says. “How are you, my dear?”

“I’m… okay,” Carina says. She can’t pretend that she is any better than that.

“One day at a time,” Gabriella reminds her.

It is the same advice she gave her after Mama died. All she has to do is get through one day at a time, until she feels strong enough to think about tomorrow.

“I know,” Carina says. “How are things in the Sunshine State?”

“Not so sunny,” Gabriella says.

Carina hears her take a long, deep breath. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m going home.”

Carina frowns. “You’re…?”

“Going home,” Gabriella says again. “To Italy.”

Carina feels her chest tighten at the thought of her friend going back to Italy, where they can’t keep the virus under control. “Gabriella…”

“I know,” Gabriella interrupts. “But I’ve been thinking about it ever since I saw you and we were talking about our time at Paolo Calvino. It made me realise how much I miss it. I hate knowing that the country I love in is suffering and feeling helpless at being so far away.”

Carina knows what that feels like. She thinks about her Nonna and uncles and friends who have died, and those who are struggling with ongoing symptoms. She has seen the pictures and heard the stories from her old work colleagues of how bad it is.

“Are you sure?”

She already knows the answer.

“I have to,” Gabriella says. “It’s my home, my family.”

“It’s mine too.” Carina sighs. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful? Take all the precautions, wear all the PPE. I can’t lose someone else I love.”

Her voice cracks a little.

“I will,” Gabriella promises.

They talk for a little while before Gabriella gets pulled away by a page to the ER. Carina closes her laptop and heads to the shower, ignoring the tug in her heart at the thought of her friend going back to Italy without her. She can’t help but feel torn. Her heart is here with Maya, but her head keeps taking her back to Italy, keen to see her family and mourn those they have lost with them, and desperate to cling on to the memories of her childhood with her baby brother.

Maya texts her just after lunch, a photo of Dean with a small, dishevelled dog on his lap. She smiles at the message that accompanies it.

This morning’s rescue. Of course Dean called dibs on the puppy xx

Carina sends her a reply, promising to visit her later for dinner, then spends her afternoon making a tiramisu, baking her own sponges before putting the ingredients together, just like Mama had taught her when she was younger. It is a welcome distraction from everything else going on around her.

She turns up at the station a little before six o’clock. The barn is lively with chatter and laughter as the team finish their chores. She avoids them for now, stepping into Maya’s office and finding her on her cell phone.

“Hey Mom, it’s me. Give me a call when you get this message – please?”

She sounds stressed and Carina frowns when she hangs up and tosses her phone onto her desk.

“Is everything okay?”

Maya paints a smile on her face. “It is now you’re here.” She stands up and walks around her desk, greeting her girlfriend with a kiss. “I’m glad you came.”

She looks down at the dish in Carina’s hands and raises her eyebrows curiously.

“Lasagne? Don’t you trust Travis’s cooking?” Maya says with a teasing glint in her eye.

Carina lifts the aluminium foil to show off the dessert she has made and smiles as Maya closes her eyes and inhales dramatically.

“This is why I love you.”

“Oh really?” Carina says, laughing.

Maya grins, happy to hear her laugh fill the room. “Well, other things too.”

She slips a hand around Carina’s waist and leans in for another kiss, lingering this time. Carina smiles against her lips, feeling the tension falling from her shoulders.

“You saved all the puppies today, huh?”

Maya chuckles. “We did and we had two very grateful dog owners.” She takes a step back and perches on the edge of the desk.

“Before we head up for dinner, I wanted to talk to you about something.” She taps the desk and Carina takes a seat beside her. “So, Ben has this idea of opening up the station to run a Covid testing centre for a few weeks. Grey Sloan and all the hospitals are struggling – I think it was probably Bailey’s idea.”

They share a smile, imagining Bailey bending Ben’s ear until he relented.

“McAllister has approved it, but my problem is that I can’t spare any firefighters to organise it. I’ve got at least one person out sick every shift. Will you do it?”

Carina shakes her head, confused. “Do what?”

“Organise the testing centre,” Maya says. “I can help you figure out the logistics, but I need someone to take control of it.” She smiles. “And I thought of you.”

Carina narrows her eyes. She knows what this is really about, she knows that Maya can see through her façade when she says that she needs to finish sorting out Andrew’s affairs before she goes back to work.

“Because you want me to stop moping around the house?”

Maya tips her head to one side and looks at her admonishingly. “Because I need someone I trust to do a good job.”

She looks like she wants to say something else, so Carina prompts her. “And?”

“And I think you don’t want to go back to work at the hospital just yet because it’s where your brother died.”

Maya looks over at her as Carina sighs and puts her hand over hers.

“It’s okay,” Maya says. “You don’t have to go back any time soon – or ever, if you don’t want to. It’s up to you. But I work long shifts and twenty-four hours is a long time to be alone at home.”

Carina smiles knowingly. “And you feel guilty about coming back to work?”

She knows Maya just as well as Maya knows her.

“A little,” Maya admits. “So will you do it?” She waits a beat. “Please?”

“Okay,” Carina agrees, although she can’t help but roll her eyes.

“Thank you,” Maya says. She hooks her finger under Carina’s chin and turns her face towards her, so that when she leans in, she catches her lips in a kiss.

As soon as they part, Maya propels herself off the desk, grabbing Carina’s hand and pulling her with her as she goes.

“Come on, Travis is making some kind of vegetable stew just for you and the last time I was upstairs, it smelt divine.”

Carina picks up her dessert and follows Maya out of her office, up the stairs and into the beanery. Only Travis and Ben are there at the moment, both leaning over a giant pot and inspecting its contents carefully. Ben lifts a metal spoon to his mouth and takes a bite.

“It needs more salt.”

“It doesn’t need more salt,” Travis says, exasperation in his voice.

They start to squabble until Maya clears her throat, alerting them to their presence. They fall silent and look a little awkward, until Carina steps forward, holding out the dish in her hands.

“I brought tiramisu.”

“Are you trying to out-cook me?” There is a twinkle in Travis’s eyes that tells Carina that he is joking.

“There’s no competition, she’s a better cook than you,” Maya says, laughing when Travis clutches his chest in mock devastation.

They walk into the beanery just as the rest of the team appear in the doorway.

“Is dinner ready yet? I’m starving,” Dean says.

“Carina, hey,” Vic says.

She walks over to her and embraces her in a hug, ignoring the call of “six feet apart!” that comes from Ben. Maya taps her back, a gesture of thanks.

“So, did you ask her yet?” Ben asks Maya, tipping his head towards Carina.

“About the test centre? Yes, she did,” Carina says as she settles on one of the stools.

“And?” Ben says hopefully. “Come on, Carina, you’d be doing Miranda a big favour.”

“And you,” Dean jokes.

Ben smacks his arm lightly in friendly play, then turns back towards Carina with pleading eyes.

“Of course I’ll help,” Carina says.

“It’ll be good to see you around here more,” Andy says kindly.

They all agree, except for Jack who stays quiet, and Carina can see him avoiding her eye at the other end of the island. She doesn’t say anything, not wanting to bring the awkwardness to everyone’s attention. Instead, she listens to the banter between them all, enjoying the lighter mood that has been missing from her life for the last few weeks. For the next couple of hours, she gets to forget her grief for a while and, even though she knows it is still there, she relaxes in their company and joins in with the teasing of their captain (much to Maya’s chagrin) and shares their laughter.

In the days that follows, she throws herself into organising the testing drive, liaising with Maya and Ben, ordering supplies and figuring out how they can get people in and out safely, without putting Maya and her team at risk of exposure.

It feels good to use her mind for something else and to distract herself from thinking about Andrew all the time. Not that she wants to forget him, she never will, but she knows she can’t be consumed by her grief forever. Just like she said to Maya, she has to move on.

She pops by the station several times in the run up to the day, each time being greeted fondly by Maya’s friends.

“They’re your friends too,” Maya reminds her a few days before the testing day, as they look down at Carina’s haphazard drawing of the barn spread out on Maya’s desk.

They’re not really, except Ben. They are still getting to know each other and she knows they are being kind to her while she is in such a bad place – especially when she drives them all crazy with her hyper-organising. Their faces fell earlier when she demanded that they move all the tables from one end of the barn to the other, after they had spent the last hour organising them as she had asked and were all desperate for a shower and food.

Carina misses her friends at work. She gets messages from them constantly; every day someone checks in on her – Amelia, Maggie, Teddy, Owen, Bailey. Sometimes she wonders if they are on some sort of rota, to make sure she doesn’t feel forgotten.

Still, she is enjoying her time at the station and they do what they can to make her part of the nineteen family. Vic brings her mazurkas from her parents’ restaurant, Dean gives her a drawing that Pru has scribbled over, and Travis ropes her into helping him cook for team.

She is moving on and it is not as hard as she thought it would be.

Only it all comes crashing down the day before the testing drive is due to start. Maya pops out to grab lunch from the sandwich shop a few blocks over when Carina gets a text message from her lawyer.

Hi Carina, just checking in to make sure you got my email? Call me with any questions. Lara.

Carina had seen an email in her inbox and assumed it was about Andrew’s affairs. There is some money left in his bank account that she needs to give to Papa, since Andrew died without ever making a Will. Except Papa isn’t answering her calls or messages. She knows he won’t want it and will tell her to keep it, which she doesn’t want to do either – she doesn’t want money, she wants her baby brother back. She plans to donate it to charity, one that supports women and girls who have been subjected to sex trafficking; she just needs Papa’s consent.

She switches to her emails and scrolls down to find the email she has been avoiding. Her stomach flips when she reads it.

Immigration office closed. Visa application on hold. Twenty-nine days until her current visa expires.

Twenty-seven days now and she curses herself for not reading it when she saw it two days ago. She has been so caught up in Andrew’s death, and now the testing drive, that she hasn’t thought much about her visa application. After all, it was a sure thing, her lawyer had told her.

Now, her lawyer is telling her that in twenty-seven days’ time she will have to leave the country; to leave her home and the woman she loves. And yes, she has been thinking about Italy a lot lately, feeling a desire to go back and see her family, to check on Papa, and to support the hospital that trained her. But she never thought that she would be forced to go back before she was ready.

She hears the front door open.

“They didn’t have tuna, so I got you houmous and vegetables instead,” Maya says as she breezes into the apartment and drops their sandwiches onto the kitchen table. “Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” Carina says absentmindedly.

“You look lost in your own world,” Maya says gently, putting her hand on her shoulder.

Carina looks up at her and blinks back the tears as she thinks about having to leave her.

“I’m fine,” Carina says dismissively.

She doesn’t have the strength to tell her about her visa issues right now. Their focus is on the testing drive and she wants it to be a success – she needs it to be a success, because something in her life has to go right. Leaving Maya, leaving her home, brings back too many thoughts of the day Mama and Andrew left for America, leaving her behind with Papa. Mama had promised that they would always be a family, no matter how far the distance between them, but it was never the same.

Carina knows her relationship with Maya is strong. It is fantastico. They have overcome so much already that she believes they can overcome this – she just doesn’t want to.

It plays on her mind for the rest of the day and she doesn’t sleep well that night, waking up exhausted, with a cricked neck and aching limbs. It is like the grief she feels has doubled overnight and she snaps at Maya when she brings her a bitter espresso.

“Scusami, non volevo,” she says when she sees Maya’s face fall. “I’m sorry, I’m just a little stressed about today. All those people, and the organising, and the press.”

“I can talk to the press, if it helps,” Maya offers. “God knows we need some good P.R., what with Dean’s court case against the P.D. I’m just waiting for the shit to hit the fan about that one.”

Carina frowns. She knows Maya means well, but her sour mood leaves her feeling affronted by her lack of faith.

“You don’t trust me to talk to the reporters?” she says, more roughly that she intends.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Maya tries to backtrack.

Carina sighs, still disgruntled. “It’ll be fine. I just need to shower and get my head together.”

She slips out of bed and disappears into the bathroom, closing the door behind her, a sign to Maya not to follow her. It seems that Maya has become accustomed to her mood swings because she keeps her distance as they get ready for the busy day ahead.

By the time they arrive at the station, Carina’s focus is on the task of the day, her irritability conveying itself in the way she bosses around the team.

“Okay, you should put them in two parallel lines - from here all the way to there,” she tells Maya and Andy as they place cones along the length of the barn.

“Hey, doctor number one, doctor number two,” Andy calls out to Carina and Ben. “We can figure out how to direct traffic.”

Carina’s feathers are ruffled, feeling like her authority is being challenged.

“Do you know how far aerosolised saliva droplets can travel?”

“Do you know what causes a fire hazard?”

“And what do I win for knowing both?” Ben interjects.

Carina relents. She doesn’t want to argue with Maya’s team, not when they have shown her such kindness.

“Okay, arrange them how you must for safety, but the cones should be at least two meters apart.”

“Also for safety,” Ben says. He leans in to Carina as they walk over to the tables. “You know, it's pretty nice having another M.D. around. Maybe they'll start calling you "dad" instead of me.”

Carina shoots him a look, but appreciates him trying to keep things light when her mood is so dark. The next hour passes with Carina barking her orders at everyone, including Maya. She talks to the press about what they are doing and greets the first patients to arrive, guiding their cars into the barn.

When Cutler knocks the table and sends a box of Covid tests flying to the floor, she snaps at him, calling him an “idiota” and some other derogatory terms until Maya drags her away and into the reception area.

“Maya, we have patients,” she grumbles.

“And they are being taken care of, okay?” Maya says. “You are snapping at everyone. And I get being stressed, I get if it's even residual grief. But I would not be a good girlfriend if I didn't ask… are you okay?”

With a heavy sigh, Carina realises that carrying the grief she feels about her visa woes is too much for her right now. “My visa is expiring and I might have to go back to Italy.”

Maya takes off her mask, her brow furrowing. “Wait, what? How? I don't understand.”

“When I first came here, my study sponsored me with an H1B visa and I sent in the renewal application last month, but the President just shut down all immigration offices,” Carina says.

“How can he do that?”

The question annoys her, as if Maya could be so naïve about her country and its President when it comes to the way they treats immigrants.

“Maya, I don't have time to teach you about the screwed-up immigration laws of this country,” she snaps. “I have to get back out there.”

She turns to leave, but Maya grabs her hand. “Okay, okay. Just… when?”

It is the thing that is on Carina’s mind the most. Twenty-seven days.

“Next month.”

She doesn’t linger to hear Maya’s response, heading back into the barn and greeting the occupants of the next car in line and trying to ignore the push and pull going on in her head and her heart.

The line keeps moving, a constant flow of visitors wanting to be tested. Half-way through the day, Maya and some of the team get called away to an emergency, leaving Carina with Travis, as well as some of B and C shift who have volunteered for the overtime. It is busy, news of the testing centre having travelled, which means that she to keep an eye on what everyone is doing, making sure they are following the rules she has meticulously created.

“Hey, Doctor DeLuca,” Travis says as he walks up to her.

“Call me Carina.”

“Sure, Carina,” Travis says. “Um, my parents are here and they need a test.”

“Which car?” Carina asks.

“They're out front.”

Carina prickles with annoyance. As if it is bad enough that the patients don’t follow the rules, now the firefighters aren’t either?

“That’s not the protocol,” she says shortly.

“Right, it isn't,” Travis says awkwardly. “Um, but it's a little bit of a delicate situation because… funny story, my dad… he's in the closet and he might have been exposed by one of his secret male lovers.”

He says it so quickly that Carina almost thinks she mishears, except when she looks at him, Travis looks so embarrassed that she feels bad for her gruff response. She hands him two tests.

“Thank you. I’m really sorry,” Travis apologises.

“Don't be sorry,” Carina says, more softly this time. “Just come tell me everything when they leave, okay?”

She is not the only one having a rough day, apparently. It turns out she is not very good at compartmentalising, because she can’t stop thinking about what it is going to feel like to get on that plane, to go back to Italy – to leave one home to go back to another. It is bubbling away underneath her all day, threatening to spill out.

Whenever she can, she steps out of the barn and into the reception area to catch her breath, not counting on coming face-to-face with Jack, of all people.

“Hey, uh, can I get two test kits please?” Jack asks shyly.

“Okay, is everyone breaking protocol today?”

Jack shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other. “Carina, I get that you don't like me…”

“Um, it’s Doctor DeLuca,” she says. She knows it is petty, but it’s Jack so she doesn’t care. “And what are you doing in Maya’s office exactly?”

It is not that she doesn’t trust Maya – she does. And Carina has always fought against Maya’s suggestion that she moves station to avoid him. But does he always have to be around?

“She said that we could use it,” Jack says. “Look, Doctor DeLuca, Maya and I aren't…”

Of course they’re not, she knows that.

“Okay, I'm not threatened by you,” Carina says. “I'm not.”

She and Maya are good. They’re really good – and now she has to leave her, and as if she hasn’t had her heart broken enough lately, the thought of it makes her want to weep.

“Good. You shouldn't be, honestly, it's…”

Shit. Carina feels her chest tighten and fights back a sob that threatens to escape. She fails.

“Whoa, whoa,” Jack says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean…”

“No, no. I'm not crying because of you, I'm not crying because of you,” Carina tells him. She would never let Jack make her feel less than she is. “It's my visa expiring, and Maya, and it's the pandemic. It is bad there and getting worse here, and… and… argh, it's my brother who is dead, and I don't know what to do, and now I'm crying about it in front of…” She curls her hand into a fist. “Aah! In front of the one person I vowed would never see me cry. You're not gonna see me do it. You’re not!”

She glares at him. Why did this have to happen in front of Jack? She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

“No, yeah, go ahead, cry in front of me,” Jack says, and she can’t tell if he is being nice or trying to wind her up even more. “I'm a big fan of crying women.”

Now she thinks he really is trying to wind he up.

“That sounded weird,” Jack acknowledges. “Uh, no, look, my girlfriend is crying in Maya's office right now, actually. It's a crappy time for everyone. And our mother figure, I guess, is in the Covid ICU at Grey Sloan, and they're taking her off the vent.”

Marsha. Carina remembers her name from a couple of weeks ago, when she helped Jack and Marcus find her window to wave hello. She is simultaneous sorry for him and annoyed that, of course, Jack would make her feel guilty for snapping at him.

“And her kid is pissed,” Jack continues. “And I get it, you know, because I'm pissed. But I'm learning, as a parent figure, that you don't get to be pissed when your kid is…”

“No, you have… you have to stay mad,” Carina tells him. “You have to stay mad. He has to see you deal with feelings in a healthy way, not bury them.”

She should know, she grew up with a father who didn’t deal with his feelings properly and it has had a lasting impact on her. It surprises her to feel some respect for Jack in that moment, seeing him try to be a good father to the young boy in Maya’s office.

“Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right,” Jack says with a nod of his head.

“I know. I'm very smart,” Carina says, her voice taking a lighter tone.

She steps back into the barn and collects two tests for him, handing them over. “I’m sorry about Marsha.”

“Thanks,” Jack says, giving her a nod before disappearing back into Maya’s office.

She sees him again later, coming out of the station’s gym with Marcus, both of their eyes red from crying. Inara greets them, the iPad with a video streaming to Marsha’s hospital room in her hands. She looks as distraught as the boys do.

“Uh, I’m gonna take these two upstairs and away from everyone for a while,” Jack says.

Carina simply nods and watches them go. Her heart aches for them, knowing that they are about to lose someone and can’t be by her side. She knows that feeling all too well at the moment. It makes her realise how much she has missed over these last few months, not getting the chance to say goodbye to her beloved grandmother and uncles, not being there to comfort her aunt and cousins in their grief, and not having their love in return as she mourns Andrew’s death.

Family is important and she should get to share her grief with her family. Andrew should have his final resting place on the beach he loved so much as a child.

Maya is her family too, her home, and she would not have survived the last month without her. She shouldn’t have to make a choice between her home and her family, but the choice has been made for her – and she finds peace with it unexpectedly. It wouldn’t be how she chose to go back to Italy, but life has thrown her so many curve balls lately that she needs to start finding the positive.

She and Maya will be okay, she knows that. She just hopes that Maya will understand.

The rest of the day goes smoothly. They must test hundreds of patients and her feet ache, not used to being upright all day after such a long break from work.

She is tidying up their supplies when Maya gets back from her call.

“Honey, I'm home!” Maya calls out to her as she walks through the barn.

Carina smiles, pleased to see her. “Ah, good call?”

“Yeah, newlyweds stuck inside of a car inside of a truck,” Maya says.

“Yep, wife begged to be saved before her dying husband,” Andy says.

Carina’s eyebrows arch with curiosity. It seems that family is not so important to everyone.

The rest of the team chat around her, teasing Sullivan and making plans for drinks after their shift.

“Do you think the couple is going to make it?” Carina asks Maya as they tidy up some of the boxes of unused tests.

“I hope so,” Maya says.

Carina takes a deep breath and looks at Maya. She needs to tell her.

“Maya, I have to go back.”

Maya knows what she means and looks disappointed.

“Can't immigration make an exception? You are a doctor, we need you here.”

“Yeah, but they need me there more,” Carina points out. “Italy is dying, bambina. My Nonna, my uncles, all gone because of Covid. And Andrea… I want to spread his ashes at the beach where my mom used to take us to in San Lorenzo.” She tries to be positive about it. “It's not gonna be forever, bambina, I promise. Just until immigration opens up and they can sort out my visa stuff.”

Maya’s face falls, looking despondent, and Carina feels her heart aching again.

“Okay, no tears,” she says, determined not to mope over this turn of events. At least they have each other. “Jack is in the lounge and he needs us.”

She walks backwards, pulling Maya with her and laughing at the surprise on her face.

“Wait, I’m sorry, what is this day? You like Jack now?”

Carina pulls a face. “Eh, "like" is strong. Tolerate, a little.”

They walk through to the reception area and make their way upstairs.

“Is it Marsha?” Maya asks.

Carina nods. As they reach the top of the staircase, Maya tugs on her hand and she stops, turning towards her.

“Are you sure you wanna be there for this?” Maya asks. “You just lost Andrew, you don’t need to do this – especially not for Jack. I can be there, or Ben or Dean.”

“It’s okay,” Carina says. “Marsha is his family.”

She doesn’t need to say any more for Maya to understand why she wants to be there for Jack when he is just about to lose a member of his family. She leans forward and drops a kiss on Maya’s cheek.

“Okay, enough of that on the stairs please.”

Vic takes the stairs two at a time as she bounds up behind them, dodging Maya’s playful shove. They are still laughing when they walk into the beanery together.

“Oh my God, is that Nari's spicy beef soup? Is Nari here?” Vic says, her nose up and sniffing the air.

“She was,” Travis says, not his usual upbeat self.

“How did it go?” Carina asks.

“How did what go?” Vic asks, looking between them.

“My dad was exposed – playing golf.”

“Oh.” It takes a moment for Vic to understand. “Ohhhh.”

Maya looks curiously between them as she takes two cans of soda from the refrigerator, not following the conversation but pleased that, whatever it is, Travis felt comfortable enough to confide in Carina.

“Yeah. I mean, it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either,” Travis says with a small shrug of his shoulders.

“Baby steps,” Carina says gently, then looks surprised with herself. “Whoa, did I get an idiom right?”

Maya laughs. “Yeah, you did,” she says, passing her one of the soda cans. “I am so proud of you, Doctor DeLuca.”

“Oh my God, first idiom right!” she cheers as they walk over to the break room.

They pause just outside the door. Carina takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, her shoulders dropping and her mood becoming more sombre.

“You ready?” Maya asks.

Carina nods and they both put on their masks as Carina opens the door and they step inside. The room is quiet, except for the occasional beeping coming from the iPad in Jack’s hands. Marcus is asleep, lying across the couch with his head on a pillow in Inara’s lap. Jack sits on the floor by her feet and looks up when they step inside.

“Hey,” Maya says, while Carina shoots him a kind smile.

“You guys don’t have to be here for this.” He says it to both of them, but his eyes are on Carina as she sits down on the chair opposite.

“Family is important,” Carina says.

Maya sits by her feet and leans back against her legs. They don’t try to make conversation, but sit in silence. Carina’s fingers unconsciously play with the end of Maya’s ponytail.

It is twenty, maybe thirty minutes later when Jack starts to laugh softly.

“What?” Inara asks.

“Nothing, sorry,” Jack says, but continues to chuckle.

“You're laughing right now?” Maya says incredulously.

“No, I'm sorry. I… last year, before you guys moved in, uh, Marsha, she bought this bird. I just thought she could talk to it or something.”

“She's afraid of birds,” Inara says.

“Which she didn't know until she cleaned out his cage for the first time,” Jack says. “I come over and hear her screaming from down the hall, you know. I run in and she's flailing around the apartment because the bird is flying after her.”

They all smile at the story and Inara laughs too.

“She runs into her bedroom, slams the door. After about a second, the door flies open and she comes running out again, screaming again because she had locked herself in the room with the bird.”

The silence is replaced with laughter, including a voice on the other end of Jack’s tablet.

“Hey!” Jack cries.

“Oh my God!” Inara exclaims.

Suddenly, they hear a voice come through the speaker. “Don't do that to me. I don't have enough strength in my lungs for that.”

Maya stands up and crosses the room to look over Jack’s shoulder, to see Marsha awake and smiling.

“Oh my God, she’s awake,” Inara says.

Jack looks up and calls out into the beanery, where the rest of the team are lingering close by.

“She’s awake!”

One by one, their friends come running to see what the commotion is about, while Inara wakes Marcus from his nap, the young boy breaking out into a wide grin when he sees Marsha waving at him on the screen in front of him. Carina stands up and goes to Maya’s side, sharing a smile with her as they watch the happy scene unfold in front of them.

Maya’s arm slides around her waist and Carina rubs her back, her hand resting at the base of her neck. She watches as Jack embraces Inara and Marcus, and can’t help but feel envious of their happy ending.

Beside her, Maya removes her mask and tugs at her hips. “I’m coming with you.”

Carina looks at her with surprise. She removes her own mask. “Yeah?”

Her heart is immediately lifted when Maya smiles and nods. Carina guides her face closer and she kisses her, not caring about their audience. She hears Vic whoop behind them and smiles against Maya’s lips.

They can’t stop smiling at each other when they break apart. The room is filled with joy as everyone celebrates Marsha’s recovery. Finally, it feels like something is going right; that a life has been saved, not lost. And while her heart still aches for all that she has lost, Carina feels grateful to be able to share in that joy.

As Jack and Inara talk to Doctor Schmitt, Carina takes Maya’s hand and leads her out of the break room and down the stairs to the captain’s office. Once inside, she closes the door.

“Are you sure?” Carina asks, as soon as they are in private.

“Family is important,” Maya says, using Carina’s words from earlier. “And you’re important to me. If going back to Italy is what you need, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Carina smiles, the ache in her heart replaced with warmth and love. She knows there will be a lot of hoops to jump through to get Maya into Italy, but just the thought of not having to do it alone makes her heart swell. She grabs Maya’s hips and pulls her close, kissing her, and silently resolving to ensure she can make a decent espresso before they go.

#station 19 #grey's anatomy #maya bishop #carina deluca #station 19 fanfiction #my fanfiction #serendipity #i can't believe we're at 40 chapters?!

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queer-crusader · 1 year

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I'm gonna talk about weight for a sec. I don't like to do it or focus on it bc I don't think it should be a focal point of my thoughts or conversations (in fact I viscerally hate it as a topic most times bc I've seen what obsessing over it can do), hence me never talking about it, but I'm gonna do it now anyway bc I had a dawning realisation.

During my childhood and teen years, I played badminton. I played it three times a week, including regional competitions. It is a big stamina sport and I was FIT. I was also young so I probably had a naturally faster metabolism just due to my age.

But when I moved out and went off to college and uni, I stopped playing. Access to local clubs was harder, or it collided with other things I gave priority, I didn't know the other club members, had a whole new life routine, etc etc etc. Many different reasons. But I stopped exercising. I tried the gym for a little while, but. Well. ADHD. Routines are a BITCH and there is NOTHING compelling about the gym, not in the way badminton is. There is a vast difference between playing a game without even thinking of exercise, and exercising for the sake of exercise. Boring. The brain won't allow it.

On top of this, my diet changed from homemade meals from scratch with plenty of healthy ingredients, to ready-made meals, takeout, and eventually some alcohol a couple of times a week when I started drinking (took me a while to start drinking, but I got there in the end - student life in Scotland caught up to me). Processed foods, burgers and chips and pizza and beer etc all became a more regular part of life.

And when I tell you I gained weight in my student years, I mean it. I went from 65kg to close to 90kg in the span of 6 years. I wasn't very happy about it, but I didn't often make it a massive focus in my mind, bc I didn't want to focus on weight (and I'm kinda glad for it - it's easy to hyperfixate on things like that, and that could've gotten mentally very unhealthy. In my most depressive period, my weight and stress eating did get to me, and I was mentally beating myself up on the regular for a brief period. It hurt. It sucked). I did try especially during my later uni years to be a little more healthy every now and then, but again, little to no exercise + intense study/work load and an increase in anxiety (when I tell you Brexit fucked me up a little mentally I'm not joking) did not help me to have the energy to cook for myself several times a week.

Now here's the kicker. I've graduated and gone home again, back to my parents. I'm still not properly exercising (aka no gym or badminton), but I am walking and cycling more, and my diet has gone back to what it was - cooked meals that are almost guaranteed to be healthier than junk food, not too many snacks, less alcohol intake now that I'm doing better mentally. I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I'm not dieting, I'm not hitting the gym three times a week. I'm just living my life in a way that is better for me mentally and I'm taking things easy.

And in the 2.5 years that I've been home, I've dipped under 80kg. I rarely check my weight - again, I don't like to preoccupy myself with it - but this morning the scales said 78.6kg. Basically a 10kg difference from my heaviest point in life during my student years. (I don't think I weighed that much when I came home, I think my weight was already slowly going down during those last uni years). And while I don't want to conflate weight and numbers with health, especially not generalised health (what may be a "healthy" weight for me is either far too much or far too little for someone else), I am glad to see it.

Why?

Because I'm not burning it off. I'm not pushing my body through starvation and intense exercise. I'm not forcing any yo-yo effects or whatever. I'm simply seeing the result that comes from a healthier lifestyle, and I am happy to see it happen so gradually. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I don't need to be skinny tomorrow. I don't WANT to be skinny tomorrow (or in a year's time). I just wanna be healthy. I know I was healthy when I was 16, and while I know I'll likely never go back to physically being how I was back then (which is okay), sometimes I do wish I was a bit closer to those days. And knowing I'm closer now than I was 4 years ago is nice.

But the number on the scales isn't a goal for me, and it never will be. Nor is my circumference or size or whatever. My goal is to feel fit, rejuvenated, healthy. The number on the scales is just a more visible sign that my patterns and self-care have changed. That, spread over time, bodies change. That even little things have an effect on us. That I don't have to put my body through hell to be "healthy". And that is quite a soothing thought.

I intend to live a calm and (for me) healthy life. And for that, I've got all the time in the world.

#anne speaks #tw body image #tw weight #no but seriously. i have time. life is longer than you think. some things are simply gradual and that is okay #of course this doesnt go for everyone - some people have conditions that make losing or even gaining weight impossible #this post is not about people with other bodies or chronic illnesses. this post is about ME. MY body.#if anyone takes it out of that context and decides to give me hell for it: COMPREHENSIVE READING. IM BEGGING YOU.

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bruiisedpetals-a · 1 year

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long NON RP RANT — about work bc the audacity!?!??! tldr: a girl who had applied and interviewed and confirmed her trial shift to be a barista last week and was V EXCITED so we cancelled another person for her trial .... showed up, said hi, chatted a bit, had a look inside, then said she was going for a walk to look around the area bc she isnt a local, and within 5 MINUTES (literally. five) ghosted, disappeared, text my boss and said “yeah nah bye”, and left me alone handling the whole place. cue endless work for me w double the usual customers, and a shift that lasted three hours longer that it should have bc of the ghosting.

rel context: i work in a small coffee & bagel place, two people on one shift: one on coffee & point of sale and another to be the cook, we also have two online food delivery providers so we take orders in person and from two apps + i’m a barista and have line cook kitchen prac & experience so am actually a ‘cook’ ig?

so i mentioned in my post when i was half asleep yesterday that i had a new person coming into my workplace for a trial today, so i stayed late to prep for weekend trade + restock stuff, and came in early to set up everything just in case. we were v busy yesterday with food as it was so i had a lot to restock, and w mothers day tomorrow everything needs to be topped up more-so. that a lot of work by itself to be honest but manageable in between cooking, esp when you have an extra set of hands when its quiet to help. look if you have seen any cooking show you might see that set up, prep and pack down take THE LONGEST ok.

— our permanent staff consists of me and K, we have two other locations so we get help from Z and J, and they can usually cover the shifts that K and i can’t (eg. K can’t do saturdays, i cant do every 3rd tuesday) but they manage other locations so they are not available without prior notice. so basically the only person who was available to work today was me, even my boss was busy moving house w his wife, 4mo and two under 8yo’s. —

this morning i’m at work at 7am, turn on things etc, set up my cooking stuff, open the coffee machine, nothing crazy. at abt 7:45am im chillin outside having a coffee and a smoke and someone walks up and it turns out to be the trial girl. we chat a bit etc, i show her inside and the machine (she’s a barista and i’m the cook on shift) — i say that i just heard from my boss myself, bc she had spoken w him earlier that morning, and he’s on the way and should be here within 5-7 mins ***technically we open at 8am but i was waiting for my boss but had checked the time to keep track & i had just text my boss back so i saw the timestamp***

so at 7:59am i head inside after i finish my smoke and she’s going to have a look where i told her there is free close parking for next time bc she took the train, at 8:04am my boss walks in and goes “WOW IT’S 8:04AM AND SHE’S NOT HERE lmao” (he did not yell it he’s a g - that’s just how i knew what the time was alksjfhg) and i go “no she’s just having a look down [street] bc of the parking i literally saw her a few mins ago” and proceed to open the doors etc. meanwhile i see my boss on the phone calling her, after a moment he comes over with a Whole “i cant fkn believe this” Face on while he’s on the phone. i’m thinking “??? i hope trial girl didn’t get lost in these lil crossover streets damn”

(it’s 8:07am, from now the customers start. they DO NOT STOP until at least 11am, it was at least double the normal turnover of profits during that time so thats ur ref for how BUSY it got)

boss goes “ur not gonna believe this” and show me the mssg from trial girl who basically has said “hi i went to ur shop, and i had a wander around the area and its just not good enough for me so i’m on my way home”. she’s GONE. in those five minutes. she got up, lied to me, and was at the nearby train station leaving. boss is floored and i’m like !>?!??!?!@#!#?who IN THE FK does this?!?!? but the customers so *professional me is present rn*

between her and boss there’s a little back and forth (text, she wont answer any calls) where he literally pleads with her bc there is NO ONE who can come in an assist me and she confirmed yesterday and she WAS HERE, she continues to be like “mmmm well ik that we discussed this and i said that i would be here and its been set for days and i applied LAST WEEK etc. but... no sorry im going back to bed” and then blocks him.

& this whole thing takes place between

7:59AM — 8:07AM.

i was there from 7am - 4:35pm / my usual saturday is 7:45am - 2:30pm

WHO DOES THAT. WHO IS THAT UNPROFESSIONAL. WHO??? WHOMST??? SHE WAS SO FKN RUDE I WAS liVID. LIKE. why LEAD us ALL ON. we all need to make a living do U THINk he can afford to lose a whole day of trade?? he’s got a whole FAmILY and his wife cant work rn bc she’s just had their 3rd child. i live PaYCHECK to PAYcheck. like this is life this isnt a game???? you are 29YRS OLD why cant u act grown

#ooc. out of ink ⋯ skye posts #( this is long bc it's literally my stream of thought and i needed to get it out of my head alkrjhfg )

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jellorat · 2 years

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Adult Home Owner Contractor Disaster

So I might have mentioned by the skin of our teeth we finally in our early 50s got our own house.

It needed a dishwasher because we cook a lot from scratch and you just can't live without one in my opinion.

This led me to hire a contractor to do the following:

Move a roof vent.

Install Dishwasher electrical socket.

Install plumbing for dishwasher.

Install Dishwasher.

Install new counters because the old ones had to be ripped out for the dishwasher. I chose butcher block because I can work with wood and could fix any issues. (Prophetic at this point.)

Install new sink, because why not, the old one was some sort of plastic.

Install a garbage disposal because why not if the whole thing is coming out.

Install an instant hot water for tea because again, why not if it's all ripped out.

I fired the guy yesterday.

So far, I have had to fix the countertops because "there are irregularities in the wood, so he could not match the corner join in the counters, and every backsplash piece was cut 1/4 inch short of the counters and 1/8 inch space between. It's bad. I sanded down the join, added the wood glue, and fixed things. I will have to rip out the backsplash when I have time and scribe them, and cut them so that they actually don't have gaps.

The dishwasher? He lost the counter clips and used wood screws then screwed them into the side, causing the door to bind and the screws to rip out with one use. he lost the blanket insulation that goes with it. I have to order spare parts and will finish that installation tomorrow.

The sink? the corners are 1/8 (or more!) up, and he never laid down any silicone sealant. Like none. I have to pull that all out, reseal it, and try to get it to lay flat. Like, who installs a sink with no sealant. He tried to tell me that's how sinks work.

He also kept no-calling, no-showing. I have pets I have to secure work-from-home arrangements to make. That was terrible.

He said he was going to use biscuits to join the counters and then used iron repair brackets. I can't even fix that unless I want to rip it off the cabinets.

I work in the dining room, so the electrical was fine as I watched, but the entire underside of my sink is strung with electrical cords. I have to move things around, so that's even a usable space.

Every shortcut you could take, he did. Like my dishwasher is a free-floating tippy mess. I paid $600 for it. It's literally the best appliance I have ever bought.

Even worse, we paid for a side cabinet that he never installed. At this point, we said to keep the money, and I texted him not to come back. He never responded to even ask about things. Basically, I paid a ransom to keep him from fucking up my house any further.

So I, a physically disabled person with diminishing physical capacity, will now have to repair this all and make sure it works.

My wife has a line on a lesbian-run contractor work group, and we are going to go there. I don't know if its' because we are both queer trans folks, but I can't take cis white straight shit anymore. I'd rather pay my own community anyways.

If it hadn't needed electrical outlets, I'd have done it myself anyways. I just thought it would be nice not to hurt myself for once, and get things set up, so we didn't have to have me flat on my back for weeks after trying to put in countertops.

I am equal parts mad and guilty that I put us through this.

#little blue house #home improvement #Contractor disaster

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amusementofaprincess · 2 years

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I swear my nana thinks I’m staying here because I want to and not because I’m not 100% ready to be on my own.

I could probably do my stairs at least once but i don’t think I’m up to cooking 3 meals a day for myself, plus I need to get groceries before I go back to my own apartment for good. And I’m waiting to see what my follow up CT scan says Thursday.

She acts like I should be doing all of the housework. I get tired going to small stores like dollar general! Not as bad as I did when I first got out of the hospital for the 3rd time but still.

And I do housework- i sweep the whole place every day, do laundry, and help with dishes. I also have pulled the trash when it’s not too full and feed her cat and mom’s dog.

She wants me to swiffer and bring the trash to the dumpster but she made the trash bags so heavy I can’t lift them either. And I told her I’d swiffer tomorrow, but she just made a comment about how she asked me to do it today. Her new swiffer is in the back of my mom’s car, which is currently at my apartment while she cuddles and feeds my babies.

I don’t think she understands that 1) I had MAJOR SURGERY 2) I had complications from said MAJOR SURGERY not once but twice 3) I have psoriatic arthritis and psoriasis - even with out the whole surgery issue some days I just can only do so much. But they cut open my whole stomach. My muscles are still getting used to be used as muscles and I think the abscess by my liver is still there because sometimes it hurts.

And she makes me feel bad that mom is taking care of my animals. I know doing my stairs is hard for my mom - I tell her she can skip a day since she always leaves them plenty of food and water - but she LIKES spending 2-4 hours over there. She gets to cuddle my cats, who she loves, gets alone time and gets to pet my rats, who she is less scared of as time goes on.

My goal is to be home by new years and I will be. My mom said she’ll come over a few times a week (or more) and help me out. And I am working on a grocery list that is basically all crock pot meal ingredients. My plan is get my mom to help me pre-prep a bunch and toss them in the freezer.

But this woman is driving me insane. I am not here to be your maid. I am trying to help as much as I can but if I do too much I’ll never ever better.

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0l0x · 2 years

Photo

This is the state of the big bedroom right now.

We just hauled the nasty mattress and box spring out. Disassembling the bed frame is a project for tomorrow. The amount of dust that came off was unreal. Mattress was infested with mice. I was spitting up brown/black stuff afterwards. I feel like crap now and probably will for the next several days. My fault. I’ll wear my respirator next time I mess around in here.

Today is one of those days where I’m busting my ass getting things cleaned up, spending hours on the phone with attorneys and repair companies, spreading myself so thin physically, financially, and mentally, and all my mom can do is bitch at me for it. She gets mad because I threw literal garbage away, just wants to obstruct the cleaning process for no reason and complain, complain, complain...

All the while, it’s HER mess I’m cleaning up. I mean, LOOK AT THESE PICTURES. Who the hell lives like this?! Who the hell thinks this is an acceptable way of life?? This room fucking STINKS! There was dog shit and piss everywhere when I did my first clean earlier this year, and she plays dumb and pretends like she “didn’t see it” and “didn't know about it”. Are you fucking blind?? Do you have no nose?? You knew, you just decided you didn’t care!

She thinks it’s acceptable to live in a house with mice and dog shit everywhere. She’s ashamed of it, and she throws big fits and tries to stop me from cleaning so I won’t uncover even more of the nasty messes she’s allowed over the years. Because every time I dig into a mess, I discover another layer of dysfunction, and each time, she blows up about it and tries to make me stop. I never do. Even if I have to do it behind her back, I keep cleaning. I keep fixing. I keep dismantling the rat nest she’s built up around herself. She uses the nest of filth to shelter herself from reality. Her level of delusion and denial is off the charts.

All while I take care of her basic needs. I cook for her, I clean up after her, I feed and walk her annoying dog, I bathe her, I empty her piss pot, I clip her toenails, I wrap her oozing obesity wounds, I do everything for her. She doesn’t want solutions. She just wants to wallow in a nest of garbage for the rest of her life and make me suffer with her.

Well, I don’t want to live in a trash heap. Too fucking bad, mom. I was forced to live in your filth as a child but I will NOT put up with this shit as an adult.

Sorry for the rant. It’s just one of those days. I have a lot of these since I moved back here. I’ll get over it. I’ll continue cleaning, I’ll climb over this hump, and I’ll feel a little better once I do.

One day this particular mess will be behind me, just like all the others.

12/12/2022

#renovation

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invisiblerambler · 18 days

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Lucky for all of you my brain is full of bees tonight, and I don't have therapy until Friday.

This is going to be entirely incoherent and a meditation on about thirty things at once.

School started last week and naturally my body reacted in a very normal way which is activating my fight or flight in a way I'm not sure any other single thing in my life does, actually I'm almost sure of that.

My instinct is to name off all the things I like about the program and the opportunities it's brought me in order to not look like an asshole, but honestly it's been really hard and it's hard not to feel like everyone secretly hates or even worse just tolerates me.

I am aware it is probably my own damage and trauma but that doesn't help. The utmost awareness of everything about this situation isn't doing fucking anything to lower my resting heart rate or feel less like my skin is crawling with bees. The answer is probably to get back on an anti anxiety medication but the expected challenge with that is the idea of finding a new provider in my new state and going through the process of titrating up on medication sounds completely awful actually. I know the alternative is suffering for the next 8 or 9 months for what will amount to a couple hours of work on the front end, but I can barely cook for myself right now much less manage something that complex.

I am forcing myself to hopefully for the final time go to the DMV tomorrow and get my drivers license done. I will be honest if it wasn't an election year I would not be worried about getting it done in a timely way because as a student you get a grace period and my previous state's license is good until 2028 so I wouldn't be seeing the inside of a DMV anytime soon.

But it is an election year and after going twice this summer with bad results (half my fault, but also fuck real id) I need to just close the loop on this whole bureaucratic nightmare.

I also need to exploit to it's logical conclusion the fact that I am basically a free agent at my job presently so why wouldn't I just do every single boring task during work hours while I can get paid for it.

I also wrote out a list of the people who I need to follow up with either over email or text. It makes me feel sick because I have a horrible fear that these people don't actually want to speak to me or otherwise engage and not that they just got busy and lost track of our correspondence.

It was really comforting to talk to D the other night. I felt so significantly less alone hearing that she had been in a similar way singled out by a peer.

I didn't realize how not seriously literally everyone had taken what happened until she actually listened.

I don't think she would make a lunch invitation without seriousness behind it. And I don't need an excuse to ditch work for a couple hours and go across town.

I did make a dentist appointment today so everyone clap for that.

Life admin (mostly) feels easier than things like doing school work which is genuinely like pulling teeth. I am being so avoidant of everything to have to do with school it's like I'm allergic to it.

Maybe if I write it down enough times I won't actually have to do any of it.

I hate that school makes doing every other thing in my life feel awful.

Including but not limited to life admin.

Everything is a lot, and I'm trying to be okay with that instead of feeling like I have to fix it. It will even out, I will even out. (I hope)

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guvato · 2 months

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Tamalog Day 15

Today we started at 7AM like usually, i gave a good check on everyone before calling the Sitter and made sure to double check if they were all with their Sitters since i was so tired and couldn't remember pretty much anything, it's happening prety often that i just forget things lately and it's freaking me out, maybe i am not getting enough sleep or something but idk, anyways, i went to sleep with everyone fed, happy and safe with their sitters.

When 5PM came by i woke up and went straight into Tama Dad mode and picked everyone up, and since everyone was doing fine i just went on with my day. I woke up just in time to see Picochutchi singing for me, which warms my heart every time. Kuchipatchi was all happy and lovely as always, and Ginjirotchi was quick to poop on the floor and wanting to eat something, so after cleaning his mess we went to the restaurant and today we had special dishes, so Ginjirotchi had a delicious Party Platter for the first time. When we got home we also cooked some things that turned into a Chicago Style Pizza, which Ginjirotchi has yet to try, but i bet it's delicious. When Picochutchi got hungry, we went with the best of options and one of her favorites, Dim Sims, and since she became happier by eating them, one visit to the TamaVerse was all we needed to max out her stats until night came. Kuchipatchi ate the last of his Cheese Dogs and had some Jumbo Steak, i'm afraid tomorrow we will have to completely dominate the Dance Floor to get the money for some new food, let's see how well we do.

At night i basically just checked on everyone periodically, since i maxed everyone earlier in the day i didn't need to do too much. Ginjirotchi was feeling a bit down tho, so we went to the Restaurant and he had some non-alcoholic drinks, Soda Pop to be more specific. After some drinks we just went home, played some of the Matching game, which we did pretty well, i feel like we are getting better as match players each day (even though we don't play it every day), and after that i just let him do whatever until it was bed time. Picochutchi and Kuchipatchi also played a couple of games, Kuchipachi and i danced only one time so i could buy him dinner (i wonder what he ate, definitely not hamburguers right? RIGHT???), and Picochutchi and i went to the Arcade to play some Fast Food, only for fun though cuz she's pretty much a Milionaire at this point, our girl is swimming in money like she's Scrooge McDuck.

Bed time came quickly today for our beloved Tamas, as we basically started the day 5 hours before the end, but hey, it was a fun one nonetheless. Kuchipatchi was the first one to fall asleep, as i helped him to fall asleep even though i myself was pretty tired and kinda sleepy still. Picochutchi and Ginjirotchi went to bed at the same time, and since they were already being checked on they didn't need much, so we the day ended, it ended peacefully to our friends.

Tomorrow when i wake up to work imma edit both this post and our last few that didn't have Social Media Pictures and will finally post them here. Been feeling a little tired all the time and can't demotivated, but that hasn't stopped me before and it won't stop me now. Thanks for reading, and i'll see you tomorrow. <3

#tama #tamagotchi #tamalog #tamagotchi uni #tmgc #tamagotchi smart #tamablr #tmgccollector #tamagotchi pix

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hospitalterrorizer · 4 months

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diary245

5/19-20/24

sunday - monday

soon i rlly will quit work.

today was a good day off of work, i got stuff done around the house and worked on one song, + wrote something new ( i feel like almost every day i'm writing little new things, little riffs and new sounds (need to track those better in my notes soon too (i might save that for after i quit cuz it's a bit like busy-work which is too soul crushing to do when i have a real job (maybe why the mixing stuff is so hard for me also))) but this one feels like there's a lot possible for a song, or like, it's already kind of pretty formed as a couple ideas. starting w/ a lady gaga idea which is "start with the chorus" which i don't necessarily believe in, or i guess i don't believe in the other half of the quote (obvious hyperbole on her part) but it's "your song sucks otherwise" or somesuch thing. anyway, that seeped its way into my head and then the little idea i had, some fucked up chord thing, emerged as a chorus to me i guess. so that's fun.

i did also do some other mixing stuff, a couple songs i remixed weren't where i needed them so i got them there, so it's more like i worked on 3 songs but only 1 bit of headway in the track listing basically. it's crazy to think about how much effort i put into all this, and how many people will even notice? it's such like, fast and sloppy sounding (intentionally) music, does the fact that the snare's ring is kind of harsh and weird even come through in the timespan of these songs? it doesn't matter, honestly. just odd to think about.

so 15/32, not too bad, the goal today was 16/32 but that's okay, if i'm too tired and busy with like, having fun i guess, that's better for me probably and i need to not be hard on myself always.

i spent a lot of today, beyond doing the prep for cooking, and actually cooking, and dealing with the horrible creatures we have to share our stupid apartment with, playing vampire the masquerade bloodlines. the game really relaxes me, in a way lot of other games do not. i just really love the atmosphere and that i can be a weird awkward looking vampire girl (i playe tremere cuz the blood magic thing is like so cute tbh. like is there anything cuter than being able to make people explode from the inside??). n-e-wayzzz, why can't i be a vampire irl?? it's so messed up. i would be really good at it. or maybe not but i'd be good at the 'stay in the dark all the time' part.

anyways i am super sleepy, i stayed up too late but i go in pretty late at work tomorrow, so that's okayyy.

i sent off the assemblage poem, or part of it only, to a friend, to see if that can be put somewhere. hope that gets accepted, if not, i'm going to try and work out some shorter poems/poetic-ish things. that has to happen this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to make sure i do that or at least approach it.

summer break starts for the kids, i'm really horrified about that. hope it's really nothing but it could be something. awful!!

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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thessalian · 1 year

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Thess vs Big Weekend Plans

Yeah, okay, pushed it too far this week and now am attempting to decide what to do with myself. Tonight’s cookery extravaganza is going to be roast pork, mostly because all it involves is basically coating the rind in salt (for to make crackling, y’see) and shoving it in the oven. Thing is, I really did want to make potato soup today and now I’m looking at peeling and chopping and blending (because I have to make half-and-half, because they do not have that in this country) and fart-arseing around with the instant pot and going, “Oh, gods, do I have to?!?". And, I mean, technically I don’t have to. None of it’s going to go bad if I save this all for tomorrow. But the idea of settling down on the sofa with potato soup and Korean horror later on when the sun finally goes down is seriously enchanting. It’s just a shame that it all requires so much ... doing things.

Also, if I wait until tomorrow, it’s going to interfere with the marinading process for tandoori chicken, which I need to start first thing. This takes awhile, apparently, because it involves cooking some spices in oil, and then throwing yoghurt and lemon juice and stuff in it and then coating the chicken with that and letting it sit for about six hours. I’m also going to have to skin my chicken legs, but that’s okay - one recipe I’ve got (I don’t remember which, but it was somewhere in my “Ooh, yay, Japanese favourite” list) requires that one cooks chicken skins until all the chicken grease comes out, for to use in cooking. So as weird as this sounds, I am going to skin my chicken leg quarters and then throw the skins in the freezer for later use. Which is good because the reason I half-forgot that recipe was because I had a thing about “How am I supposed to just get random chicken skin?!?” and envisaged myself asking a butcher about that (which I guess I could probably do, especially if I went to Peckham, but my anxiety forbids that level of potential weird). I guess this is the other way of doing it.

On the subject of cooking, I had a flip through my new One Tin cookbooks, and ... okay, the first one’s more or less fine but the second is all kinds of fancy. There’s figs and pomegranate and parma ham and goat’s cheese and a whole bunch of stuff that I’m looking at like, “Well, I guess this never said anything about being on a budget...” Because this lady does not seem to have ever been in the same room as “budget”, given the ingredients. I should hand that one over to my mother. She’d probably appreciate it a lot more. My stepfather, on the other hand, probably not. Her last complaint in his direction was something about being frustrated that he insists on carbs - rice or potatoes or pasta - with every meal. Meanwhile I’m sitting there going, “I’m with my stepfather on this one”. At least in part because stuff like that is filling and tasty and, most of all, not that expensive in comparison to a lot of the vegetables that take the place of carbs in recipes like that. (Well, I mean, except for the pasta in my case, because gluten-free is always just made of expensive, but y’know.)

Basically there’s a lot to do this weekend. My tomato plants have grown like kudzu the last couple of weeks and it might be time to repot them soon. Honestly, same for my marigolds, asters, zinnia, and black-eyed Susans. The coriander’s not doing too shabby either, though I’m probably going to wait just a little longer - maybe another week - before I shove it into a larger pot and put it on the balcony rail. Honestly, the whole lot could probably wait another week, and might have to, because this weekend is about starting meal prep for the next little while. It’s just nice to have all the stuff I need in the fridge or freezer, ready for defrosting and/or reheating. I don’t think I could do gardening on top of that. Plus it’s better when the root structures of my plants are a little tighter; I don’t like cramping them, but I also find it’s easier to replant them when the roots are really well-established and keeping the soil in place. So another week won’t hurt, and I can do it when there’s less spoon energy required for cooking things.

Which means I should probably suck it up and start my potato soup. Get some use out of my gluten-free flour. Also clear some space in the potato bowl. Look, I had plans towards this soup and aloo gobi and Japanese curry and those all require a metric buttload of potatoes - literally, as a lot of the recipes I trip over are American and I keep having to go, “Okay, so how much is that in metric?” Seriously, I’m so glad people stopped talking about trying to make the UK go back to Imperial units becuase holy fuck would that get people confused. Base 10 is a good thing, guys.

...Oh fuck, Monday’s the May bank holiday. I was going to pick up my prescription on Monday and my local pharmacy, where I get my prescriptions, is generally speaking shut on bank holidays. But I do have enough to last me until I can pick it up on Tuesday, so that’s okay. Just aggravating because I was hoping to fit that trip in on Monday so I don’t have to go rushing down there either just before work or just after work on Tuesday. This is the problem with having Mondays off in perpetuity - you tend to forget things like bank holidays.

#Thess cooks #Thess on gardening

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3schia · 5 months

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CHAPTER 10

“LEARN GAMBLING”

“I can teach you myself since I gamble a lot.

You don’t have to be great at gambling, you just have to learn.

Okay... Let’s start with Slot Games because they are easy to understand,

and unlike any other games, you will spend less time playing it.

In this game you must create a line of matching symbols to win.

Let’s go?”

“Let’s go!”

And then here we are at Casino Millionario.

ISLA: I remember grandma, she still gambles and is almost always with her friends, like she prioritizes them over us, her family.

GRAY: Just let her enjoy life.

ISLA: I mean, even when she’s younger, mom said that grandma really has that side, a not-so-family-oriented. But when she needs help with her maintenance, it’s us, her family, she’s always asking for help, not her friends. But yeah, she’s still her mom. So, she couldn’t do anything but still love and support her.

GRAY: Yap. Family is family, no matter what.

ISLA: But I hope Grandma will realize it.

GRAY: Let’s start. The major types of slot games that I’ll teach you are Classic slots, Video slots, Progressive slots, and 3D slots.

ISLA: Mhmm!

GRAY: Classic slots are single-line slot machine games. Here, you must pull the lever of the machine to make a spin, and you will hit the jackpot if you land on three similar symbols.

ISLA: Let me try... I hit it!

GRAY: Good! Then Video slots are advancements of classical slots. This game involves higher jackpot offers and has a larger engagement owing to its top-tier graphics. Compared to classical slots, it has more pay lines which increase the odds of winning.

ISLA: Let me try... Gotcha!

GRAY: You seem to have luck in gambling.

ISLA: Well, I told you grandma gambles a lot.

GRAY: Good... In progressive slots, you need to play with the maximum wager. When you make a maximum wager, a part of the amount of the bet placed is added to the jackpot prize. And this jackpot prize progresses with every bet placed until you win it.

ISLA: Alright... Hmmm... Yeah!

GRAY: Go, Isla!

Good... Then here’s the 3D slots. This involves three-dimensional elements within the game with improved graphics and colorful animation effects. The goal is to make the on-screen action appear realistically. The characters and objects seem like you can touch them.

Go...

ISLA: Basic!

GRAY: Let’s continue tomorrow. It’s Sunday anyway.

ISLA: Yeah!

---

And then we went home...

ISLA: Why do you often have dark chocolates?

GRAY: To activate my happy hormones.

Do you know how to cook?

ISLA: Yap. Do you want me to cook for you? We’re always eating ordered foods.

GRAY: Yeah. That’s your other task - to cook our dinner. I’ll prepare the ingredients.

---

GRAY: Hey, I just bought groceries.

ISLA: Yey!

GRAY: I want Arroz con bogavante later.

ISLA: Alright!

Gray went to his room, and I am now starting to cook.

The ingredients are prepared, but something is missing, black pepper,

So, I just bought it at the nearest mini-store.

Then the dish is now prepared.

ISLA: Gray, let’s eat!

GRAY: Coming!

ISLA: What’s your favorite Spanish dish?

GRAY: This!

ISLA: Oh.

GRAY: How about you?

ISLA: Vieiras en su concha, Cordero asado, Carrillada, and Rabo de Toro!

GRAY: That’s a lot

ISLA: Yeah.

A few minutes after eating, Gray had abdominal pain.

ISLA: That’s because you ate a lot

GRAY: Maybe. You cook so well.

ISLA: My pleasure.

Other minutes have passed, and Gray is still hurting.

GRAY: Did you wash the lobster well?

ISLA: Yeah!

GRAY: Have you added other ingredients?

ISLA: Hmm. I just added black pepper.

GRAY: Oh, no. I didn’t notice.

ISLA: Why?

GRAY: I’m allergic to black pepper

ISLA: Oh, I’m sorry!

GRAY: It’s fine.

ISLA: Let me make it up to you tomorrow. Which other foods or ingredients are you allergic to?

GRAY: Just black pepper. Tomorrow, let’s have Rabo de Toro, one of your favorites.

ISLA: Yey!

---

And then it’s Sunday.

After eating breakfast, we go straight to Casino Millionario.

“This time, I’ll be teaching you the Table Games. Some table games that involve cards are Baccarat, Blackjack, Teen Patti, Three Card Poker, Four Card Poker, and Red Dog.

Let’s start with the Baccarat. It is a card game between the player and the banker. The objective is to bet on the winner between the two hands, which are the banker’s hand and the player’s hand.”

“Let me try...”

“Then here’s Blackjack. It is a casino game played using a deck of cards against the dealer. In this game, you will draw cards with a value close to 21 but not exceeding it.”

Go, Isla...”

“Let’s proceed to Teen Patti. It is an Indian-origin card game. The objective is to have the best three-card hand or to be the last player left in the round.

Go!”

“Yeah. I made it!”

“Then here’s the Three card poker. It is a card game played against a dealer. In here, each player competes with the dealer rather than rivals.”

“Four card poker is like Three card poker. This game allows players to place a bet three times their Ante or mandatory bet.”

“Last, Red Dog. It is a casino game that involves three to eight players. In here, players place bets on whether the rank of their third card would fall within the first two placed cards.”

“Gotcha!”

“And we’re done. Let’s continue tomorrow after your work.”

“I’m hungry”

“Me, too. Where do you want to eat?”

---

Again, it’s Monday.

After work, we ate dinner and went straight to Casino Millionario...

“This time, I’ll teach the Specialty Games, which I am sure will be easy for you. Specialty Games are just the Bingo, Keno, and Wheel of Fortune.”

Then we both just laughed.

“I knew you would be tired after work, so you’ll play the easy ones today.”

“You know how to be timing ha.” I replied.

“Aside from the fact that they are just easy to play. These games are solely based on luck, which you obviously have... Let’s go?”

“Let’s go!”

“First, Bingo. It is a casino game where numbers are called out randomly from mechanical or electronic number generators. The objective of the game is to cover a specific pattern of numbers before anyone else.”

“Let me play...”

“Go, Isla!”

“Bingo!”

“Yey!”

“Second, Keno. This is like a lottery. It is a game where you must choose numbers ranging from 1 to 10 from the given table of numbers ranging from 1 to 80. Then, the numbers are drawn by the casino, and the payout you’ll receive will be based on the correct match with your card.”

“Let me try”

“I got matches!”

“You really are so lucky!”

“Last, Wheel of Fortune. It is a casino game where contestants simply spin the wheel until they achieve three spins on the pay line. Alright, let’s wait for the others.”

“Here we go!”

“Go, Isla!”

“Yay! We’re done!”, I said.

“We’re not. You’ll repeat playing all the games in the coming few days after work.” Gray replied.

“Okay!”

Then, we went home.

Gray went to his bedroom, as usual.

Then, I started cooking.

*Ding-dong... ding-dong... ding-dong.

Gray then opened the door.

“Hey, mom!”

Wtf? He didn’t even tell me that his mom would come.

So, I suddenly turned off the gas stove.

And I hid in the cabinet in my room. I was in a rush, so I didn’t close the door.

So, I’m listening to their conversations.

“Oh, you’re cooking, ha!” Gray’s mom said.

“Ahhh. Hmm. Yeah!” Gray replied.

“Just wait in the living room, I’ll call you when it’s done.” Gray added.

Then Gray entered my room...

GRAY: Hey! I didn’t know mom was coming.

ISLA: Why did you tell her where you’re living?

GRAY: Of course, she’s my mom. Hello?

ISLA: How about now?

GRAY: I don’t know how to cook that... Let me just introduce you.

ISLA: You can see the instructions on the internet!

GRAY: That will take more time!

ISLA: You’re the owner of a resto bar, but you can’t cook?

GRAY: I can cook but... just the basics. Besides, I’m not the chef, I’m the owner. Get out of there!

ISLA: I don’t want to. Can you see how I look right now?

GRAY: Well, you can fix yourself in three minutes.

ISLA: But...

GRAY: Just do it! Don’t be shy! I’ll wait for you outside.

Then Gray suddenly went to his mom. I have no choice but to get ready.

GRAY: Mom, I’m living with someone since last month.

MOM: Ha? Who?

GRAY: My girlfriend.

MOM: Oh. You’re not telling me. Where is she?

GRAY: In her room, just fixing herself. She’s the one cooking.. ha-ha.. not me.

MOM: Oh.

Then they just laughed.

“Isla!” Gray said.

“Coming!” I replied.

MOM: How old are you?

ISLA: 25, mom

MOM: Where are you working?

ISLA: Hmm. At ZTN Corporación.

MOM: I’m familiar with that. Is that located here in Castellón?

ISLA: Yes, mom.

MOM: What’s your position there?

ISLA: Financial analyst.

MOM: That’s why you’re also living here, Gray?

GRAY: Ahm. Yeah.

MOM: So... Let’s continue cooking your Rabo de toro?

ISLA: Oh, right.

Then, we had lots of talks ~

“Fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree” is just so real XD

Her mom is also straightforward XD

Genes don’t really lie XD

And then we ate, and yeah, they liked my dish.

His mom praised me for that, and then she went home.

---

On the next few days, I just repeated playing the casino games until I have finally learned enough about it.

After this, we ate a lot of street foods, then Gray asked me...

“Wanna have some drinks?”

“Of course!”

And then we drink a lot until Gray gets drunk.

Then, I asked him...

“What’s the 3rd ordinance, Master Libra?”

#TheSecondOrdinance

#IslaTheGambler

#IslaTheChef

#IslaTheGirlfriend

CHAPTER 11

“LEARN BALLROOM DANCING”

[MAY 2014]

“What are you doing? We should be playing chess.” Gray said.

“I’m finding a good tutor online near our place.” I answered.

“What tutor?”

“A ballroom dancing tutor.”

“How did you know?”

“Well, you got drunk last night, and you told me the third ordinance.”

“Did I say that?”

“I actually asked you.”

“Oh. You’re a cheater ha. You took advantage of me.”

“If I’m a cheater, then what do you call yourself? Sounds familiar?”

“Are you sure you want to start learning ballroom dancing?”

“Yap!”

Then here I found an expert ballroom dancer, Miss Vergara.

GRAY: Hey! You insisted on learning ballroom dancing. You must lose weight. Reduce eating meat and sweets starting today.

ISLA: That will be hard. I'll eat meat and sweets once a week.

GRAY: Just make sure to stick to 1000 calories per day and avoid meats that are hard to digest.

ISLA: Sure.

Every day after work and on weekends, I practice ballroom dancing.

It’s not a joke. It’s hard.

My body has been in pain and adjusting for a couple of days.

I feel like Miss Vergara is getting annoyed since it takes me more time to do the dance steps. But yeah, at least I’m still trying and getting better each day.

---

A time came when I felt so stressed, too occupied, and couldn’t focus on work.

So, I must admit that I wasn’t able to perform well on a specific project for the Company. This could be solved in a more formal way, but they’ve become so loud about it.

I saw two possible reasons for their excessive reactions,

either they only felt disappointed in my performance,

or they just feel satisfied, dragging me down.

But I guess, both are reasons, though the latter seems to be a more convincing reason.

Then...

the hidden haters started to come out.

And guess what???

They are all the ones who don't have the looks.

Deyyyymmmmm!

They even recruited others to treat me a bit differently.

Whenever I greet some of them, they are no longer greeting back simply to make me feel like an outcast.

What a fabulous team effort!

It’s like they only used that one failure of mine as a chance to express their hidden feelings against me XD

Well, it's a reflection of their character, not mine. ~

And I know very well where that unreasonable hate is coming from.

What’s funnier was that they even recruited haters from another department whose faces were really unfamiliar to me XD

I guess, in the afterlife, I won't go to hell for being real.

But as a matter of fact, the haters seem to come from the bloodlines of bulldogs, gorillas, dwarfs, wild boars, and walking skeletons with bad skin tones and inappropriate body proportions.

I wonder how exactly they feel whenever they see themselves in the mirror XD

Well, they didn’t get any prettier for doing such a thing to me. ~

So, I didn’t think of getting back at them since their looks are already an everyday curse to them. XD

Instead of taking revenge, I just empathized with them. XD

It’s really like...

When the man from Above showered good genes, they were literally sleeping so deeply like they hadn't slept for two straight days.

Even the best plastic surgeons will give up fixing their faces.

People judge me like they know me well.

If and only if I could focus, I could have done better.

But that’s life, full of immature, judgmental, and narrow-minded animals.

It's so funny how they thought they were winning by making the environment uncomfortable to me without them even realizing that they are with someone who's been through hell (and really immune to betrayals XD).

So, I didn’t allow them to become a hindrance to our plans.

Who are they anyway?

I don’t even know their whole names.

Like f*ck?

Who are these mammals?

Or, should I say, reptiles? XD

They even targeted my dating status, like it's just so funny to know that they haven't experienced any.

They haven’t even seen the magic of how $p3®m explod3s.

They haven’t even tasted a single flavor of it.

They don’t even know how to s*ck a big c*ck or what it looks like in real life.

What’s worse is that they don't have any suitors, not even the poor and ugly ones.

So, they are just like t h a t --- c o l d, b i t t e r & d r y.

>>> KO! <<<

So, yeah... I know where that noise is coming from.

They are too busy talking about my existence when I don't even care if they don’t wake up the next day.

---

ISLA: Don't you get tired? ‘Coz I’m getting tired.

GRAY: Well, you have no choice but to follow.

ISLA: I can’t focus on work.

GRAY: Then just resign immediately.

ISLA: I can't do that. Grandma has a lot of medications.

GRAY: How about your mom and her siblings? Don’t they support her?!

ISLA: They are, of course! But you know I have four other siblings studying, as well as my cousins.

GRAY: I'll just give you money, double your salary.

ISLA: Make it triple.

GRAY: Deal.

And so, I resigned after almost two years of working here.

Then, we settled into his home.

---

[AUGUST 2014]

One day, I woke up and remembered the unreasonable hate I got at work.

This is when I finally decided to pursue my passion, which is painting.

I came up with the idea of making digital arts so I would be able to reach buyers around the world.

GRAY: Hey. Let’s go this weekend to an amusement park so you can unwind. I know you’re tired.

ISLA: Yey!

And then, here we are, riding on the different rides like children.

We even ate cotton candies, lol. And went home.

---

“Wanna play computer games?” Gray asked

“Yeah!... Oh. You’re gaining muscle, ha?” I answered.

“I’ve been going to the gym these past few months.”

“Trying to impress someone?”

“Not my thing!”

---

One day, after practice, I saw Carrillada at the dining table.

So, I asked Gray...

“It smells so good! Where did you buy this?”

“I cooked that for you.” Gray answered.

“Oh. Thanks, it’s one of my favorites!” I replied.

“I know, right?”

And then he really looked at me to see what my impression would be. XD

“You cook well, ha!” I spoke.

Then Gray just laughed.

I really appreciate the gestures Gray makes for me.

He felt that I was really in distress during this chapter.

So, he made a lot of effort to make me happy.

“I reorganized your schedule. You’ll have 15 hours of practice every day. In this case, it will take almost two years for you to finally master the game. Let’s play chess again tomorrow, okay?” Gray said.

“Okay!”

“Wanna play UNO card game?”

“Yeah!”

“Let’s sit on the floor.”

“UNO!”

HA-HA-HA ~

“Hey! Why are you laughing.” Gray asked.

“Let me sew that later. I’m seeing your brief, tho.”

“Oh! I’m sorry.”

After playing, I asked him...

“What’s the 4th ordinance, Master Libra?”

#TheThirdOrdinance

#IslaTheBallroomDancer

#LooksMatter

#TheBitterTruthOfLife

#TheNotSoBadassWriter

#JustStatingF*cksEsteFacts

CHAPTER 12

“LEARN SKYDIVING”

“Ohhhhh. I’m afraid of heights.”

“You have no choice but to learn.”

---

“Hey! Want to have some fun?” I asked.

“What kind of fun?” Gray asked.

“Let’s join the Tomato Fight Festival this coming Wednesday.”

“Oh. Let’s go!”

"That was fun!"

---

A problem came...

The sales of Gray’s Resto Bar have been constantly decreasing by 25%-30% these past few months due to a newly built resto bar near his.

ISLA: What should we do now?

GRAY: This is the first time that the sales have constantly decreased to such an extent. We must think of another technique... What if we try offering new foods and drinks?

ISLA: Yap. Hmm. You can also ask your staff to wear elegant clothes to make them look more formal. Consider having a stronger online presence. And don’t you dare decrease the price of the drinks and meals you’re already offering. That will make them think you’re losing. Just add new offers.

GRAY: Alright.

ISLA: That will attract more customers. Also, consider making the place look more elegant.

GRAY: How’s life without Isla?

ISLA: My pleasure, Master Libra.

You have me, so don’t worry that much.

---

Then, here’s the day of my first skydiving...

I feel like I can’t do it, even if it’s tandem skydiving.

I feel so nervous, so I asked for more time to prepare myself.

“You can do it, Isla. We came this far.”

“I have no choice. Okay, I’m ready.”

And then...

We jumped!

“WaaaAaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaAaaaAAAaaA!!!!!”

“WooooooOOOOooOoOoOOoo!!!"

“I thought I couldn’t make it!”

Then, the skydiver behind me just laughed at me.

Yeah! It was an unforgettable experience.

---

“What did you feel?” Gray asked.

“It’s far scarier than all the rides we tried. My soul almost left me!” I answered.

“Well, you’ll repeat doing it occasionally so that you’ll be a bit more used to it.”

---

Then here’s another day...

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To the bar. I’ll talk to my staff about the solutions.” Gray answered.

“Best of luck, Master.”

“Thanks, buddy!”

---

“What happened to your meeting?” I asked.

“They are now starting to look for new attire. Then, they are now working on new drinks and foods.” Gray answered.

“Good!”

---

[a phone call received by Gray]

*Trrt trrt... Trrt trrt...

ISLA: Hey, someone is calling you.

GRAY: Can you look at it? I’m still taking a bath.

ISLA: My hands are messy; I’m cooking our lunch... Wait.

GRAY: I’m done.

ISLA: It was cancelled.

GRAY: It’s fine. I’ll just look for it.

ISLA: What is it?

GRAY: My nephew is missing.

ISLA: Oh no. How old is he?

GRAY: Five

ISLA: Did they report it to the police?

GRAY: They are in the airport right now.

They’ll have a vacation in Hawaii.

*Tut tut...

“Oh. You received a message.” I said.

“We found him!” Gray read.

“Hoo! I got nervous!” Gray added.

I thought there would be another problem.

---

“Hey! Not afraid of heights anymore, right?” Gray asked.

“Hmm. A bit!” I answered.

“Wanna have some fun?”

“What kind of fun?”

“Hot air balloon!”

“Oh. Where?

“Just there in Catalonia. Let’s go?”

“Let’s go!”

“That was fun!”

“Hey! Let’s focus on chess in the coming months. I can’t wait any longer. We have to take a risk.” Gray said.

---

[DECEMBER 2014]

One day, after skydiving, we went to a beach to swim and relax,

and stayed there until the next day.

Under a midnight sky, Gray and I had long, deep talks while looking at the stars...

GRAY: Hey. Thanks for your idea. The sales are increasing again.

ISLA: My pleasure.

GRAY: What will you do after our mission?

ISLA: I'll get a tattoo on my back.

GRAY: What tattoo?

ISLA: A Dove.

GRAY: Why is it?

ISLA: Because it symbolizes harmony, love, and peace.

GRAY: Do you feel the need to do it?

ISLA: I lived in hatred for so long and had some realizations.

The world was bad, so why would I be good?

That’s why... I lost faith.

GRAY: I feel like you didn’t lose it.

You were just sad, so you feel that way.

ISLA: I hope so.

How about you? What will you do after this mission?

GRAY: I’ll take a vacation in Somalia. Will you miss me?

ISLA: Pssh!

GRAY: May I ask, what's your type?

ISLA: Do you mean my ideal man?

GRAY: Yes.

ISLA: Someone who will understand me even if I don’t usually understand myself.

GRAY: What do you mean exactly?

ISLA: I feel like.. I only understand half of myself. So, I want someone who will understand me and stay with me no matter what.

GRAY: How many boyfriends did you have?

ISLA: Just one.

GRAY: Ows. You told me about your long-time boyfriend and that, Hernan.

ISLA: I don’t consider Hernan to be one. He’s a complete jerk.

And you know what? He only dresses up like a masculine man but can’t even give me an orgasm.

GRAY: Okay, I won’t argue...

How long have you been with that one, and what’s his name again?

ISLA: He’s Bruce. We've been together for almost 6 years. How about you?

How many girlfriends did you have?

GRAY: Three.

ISLA: Ows?!

GRAY: Well, others are just one-night stands.

ISLA: So, who’s the other one?

GRAY: She’s Precious. We've been together for 10 years.

ISLA: That's long! What happened?

GRAY: She broke up with me. How about you?

ISLA: I broke up with him.

GRAY: See? Girls give up so easily.

ISLA: No, I didn't. It took me years to come up with that decision.

GRAY: Really?

ISLA: Yes. Why did she break up with you?

GRAY: She said I didn't have enough time for her, but I know the real reason. How about you?

ISLA: Personality differences. What's the real reason?

GRAY: Third party.

ISLA: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do you know who's behind it?

GRAY: Not just one person.

ISLA: What do you mean?

GRAY: You'll know.

ISLA: Did you take revenge on them?

“You seem to be almost ready...

It’s time for him to meet the beautiful Pisces.”

#TheFourthOrdinance

#IslaTheSkydiver

#The10thOrdinance #LibravsPisces #Chapter10 #Chapter11 #Chapter12

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