#bc el has learned that whatever she does. someone will just make it go away for her

[mlchaelwheeler]

hot take: I didn't love El hitting Angela. Yeah it's satisfying to see a bitch get rocked but the fandom treats it like such a girlboss moment when that really wasn't meant to depict a healthy response. El has a potentially fascinating relationship with violence to explore, so narratively it's fine that that happened except that it kinda went nowhere. I guess she saw that her actions have consequences when she got arrested but then they just dropped it and she didn't seem to think anything of it or grow from it (unless I'm not thinking deep enough thoughts?). I know she had much bigger fish to fry, but I felt like we needed to see her interact with or at least think about Angela one more time to wrap that all up. Idk I love El but the whole bullying arc felt so 2D to me.

[rahleeyah]

A thought: we’ve obv seen Liv use her trauma to connect with victims before.

Imagine SVU gets called in on an OC case, maybe a victim had been held captive and hurt by a group on OC’s radar and OC recovers her. They send Liv and El in to talk to her together so they have someone from each squad. And the girl is alternating between sobbing and just staring into space while they ask her about what happened to her.

After one bout of sobbing, Liv promises the girl that she’ll be okay, that she’ll survive this and move forward. And the girl asks how does she know, how can she just promise that. And Liv hesitates for a second because her and El haven’t talked about Lewis and she has no clue if he even knows or if she wants to open that Pandora’s box. But the victim comes first and she has to do this for her, so Liv reaches out to hold the girl’s hand and says very softly “because I did.”

And El can’t even make it out of the room before he throws up

ohhhhh anon i need this. like. i go back and forth on how it should come out; i want liv to be in charge of deciding what she says to him, and when, and how much he learns, and i don't want to take the decision away from her but purely for the Drama of it all i love the idea of a moment like this, where liv has a choice, to say something or not say something, and she decides that comforting someone else is more important than hiding her secrets from elliot, she decides to put him out of her head and focus on the victim in front of her, bc she always puts the victims first. and elliot seeing her strength but also seeing the truth is so good. he needs to know what liv has been through. he needs to know that she's been hurt. he needs to know that she recognizes his ptsd bc she has it herself - godddd he doesn't even know about the ptsd post sealview, does he, bc the only person who knew she was in therapy was fin, the only person who saw her so lost in a flashback she almost killed a guy was fin, and fin isn't telling elliot that, he doesn't know - he needs to know that she knows the way out of the hole he's in bc she clawed her way out herself. he needs to see, how much has changed. that she's changed. he needs to acknowledge everything that happened while he was away and this is a beautiful, poignant way to do that. and when liv steps out of the room and he's ashen faced she needs to tell him it isn't about him. it isn't about his guilt or his horror or whatever he's feeling, that this is her story and he'll get it when she's good and ready.

[piratejct]

* 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐭, 𝐜𝐢𝐬 - 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 + 𝐡𝐞 / 𝐡𝐢𝐦 | you know 𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐬 𝐞𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐰, right? they’re 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, 𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 by 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole 𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐦𝐞, 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐫, 𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is 𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝟐𝟖𝐭𝐡, so they’re a 𝐯𝐢𝐫𝐠𝐨, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

NAME: elias eskew  NICKNAME(S): el, ellie D.O.B: august 28th, 1997 AGE: 23 BIRTH PLACE: york, england CURRENTLY RESIDING: irving, north carolina  SEXUALITY: homosexual OCCUPATION: drag queen & employee at rockin’ and rollin’ 

tw: homophobia, bullying, anxiety, depression. 

BACKSTORY: 

born in york but grew up nyc. has an older brother, a twin sister and pretentious, rich parents who believe that their way is the only way. sadly, their way is all about being homophobic and unnecessarily demanding, so.. that’s why elias was pretty much kicked out of the household when he was fourteen. 

well, okay, not kicked out, because legally you can’t kick out a teenager and still have an ace reputation among your peers, so they did the next best thing and sent him away to irving, to live with his aunt. then, of course, they proceeded to tell whoever asked that boy was very unstable and needed special attention that they couldn’t provide at home because they’re always #working&flexing. it was a big bunch of “oh my god, we love him so much but there’s nothing we could do for him here and of course we want all the best for our sweet, totally not homosexual son, so he’ll have to be there until he’s less homosexual troubled.” 

went great. amazing. no, seriously, it couldn’t have been better for elias because while he missed his sister a whole fucking lot, his aunt actually turned out to be a super cool lady? she didn’t push him to play sports or not fuck around with make up. she even supported his theatre dreams and came to see all the school plays he was in, so, uhhh.. jokes on you, mom and dad.

irving is pretty much where elias blossomed. unlocked at least 52 achievements. went to high school, got badly bullied for being feminine and incapable of catching the ball in dodgeball ( “when it clearly fucking says you should dodge!” ) but it wasn’t all bad! he was very appreciated in the musical theatre department and got to play the lead role, like, twice. ‘twas kick-ass and he felt like a hollywood star. <3 

started dabbling in drag sometime during senior year. his sister came over one easter break and taught him a whole lotta shit about make-up so that was neato but aside from that he learned from watching youtube videos and experimenting. 

went to the local university where he studied performing arts. his parents actually paid for his studies but it was more of a “wow, really, betty? you don’t pay for your child’s education? tragic” stunt on their part. faux-supporting your kids gives you bragging rights! but he totally didn’t mind! could actually spend whatever money he’d make at his then bartending job and invest it into drag. he did it part-time while completing the degree. 

after graduating, however, it became a full time thing. or, you know, as full time as it can be. on the side, he also picked up a job at rockin’ and rollin’, because gosh, was he tired of constantly hanging out at bars. 

the dream, currently, is to hang out in irving, where he’s comfortable, a bit longer before heading out into the world to live the big city dreams. has been considering new york, since he always loved it there, but we’ll see. he’s got time. 

lives now with a couple of friends but hangs out with his auntie every once in a while. she sometimes shows up to his shows and brings roses. it’s honestly beautiful and makes him cry.

PERSONALITY: 

+ expressive, alluring, animated - melodramatic, self-critical, obnoxious 

x on the subject of crying? he cries a lot. sometimes as a joke, but sometimes.. very much not. an emotional boy, quite sensitive. expresses his emotions in a way that, for the most part, you kinda know what’s on his mind. 

x exaggerated as fuck, in everything he does. always been a huge dreamer and just loves living his fantasy, really. moves in a way that’s very, like, gentle and graceful. is a huge actor and pretty much always on his toes. sometimes switches between characters mid-conversation and gives you three different improv sequences, but he’s not like “ooh, look at me, i’m sooo skilled, i have a degree!” about it, y’know? it’s more of something he does without necessarily realizing? because he just loves pretending he’s someone else. his go-to persona is this ditzy, little bitchy shtick, which sometimes makes people think he’s dumber than he actually is. 

x but don’t get me wrong. he definitely is a dumb bitch. 

x so fashionable, though. loves to look good. wears a lot of women’s clothing because it fits him and helps him feel this paris fashion week illusion. but also catch him rocking high-heeled boots, crop tops, scrunchies. and silk. satin. he’s a hoe and a half for that stuff. 

x smells of roses and vague desperation. wants to always be the prettiest person in the room. likes to flirt with people and sleep around bc it makes him feel attractive. <3

x actually super insecure at heart and lowkey wants validation. anxious as fuck and used to be pretty depressed, but that’s gotten bit better now. 

x lightweight baby lesbian who can’t drive and gets drunk off of two mimosas and some rose wine. 

x his drag persona is g.litter ( gee, miss litter if you’re nasty. ) she’s sparkly, glittery, elegant and has probably killed all four of her husbands and taken their money. wears the highest heels and would look gorgeous covered in blood. he lives for her. 

x idk, sometimes he can be a handful but if you’re willing to deal with that? he’s a very nice boy. genuinely means well and just wants to have a laugh, i guess. also, big wine mom energy. 

x can’t actually rollerskate. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS: 

um, everything?? throw it at me <3 

[okaybutlikeimagine]

So how did Hop find out about Billy’s home life

Hellohellohello! I feel like this is a very important thing to expand on bc i understand i just kinda write about the fluffy stuff AFTER Hop found out but not about the stuff that lead up to it so! I’m glad someone asked about this!!! And i’m sorry if anyone has gotten confused at all, i know it’s a little confusing ♥

Okay so i wrote a fic (on my blog here and on AO3 here) about when Hop first picks up Billy. I also wrote a post a few months back when i started this blog that describes my main thoughts ((some of them have changed since then but they’re basically the same)) right here! but lemme also summarize it all and give some more info as to what i think about this:

{Disclaimer: mentions of abuse}

So Billy and Max and their family have been in town for almost a week and after the first day Billy gets pulled over by Officer Callahan for driving fast and drunk. So of course Callahan tells Hop and Hop also hears some stuff from his secretary about the new family that just moved in bc she meets Susan at the grocery store and they get to talking. So Hop knows that there’s a new family, knows they have a kid who’s already a troublemaker, knows this kid’s mom is actually his step-mother and that they’ve just moved to Indiana after school has already started (bc hi, tell me who in America starts right before Halloween???? Bc that just seems strange to me, i feel like they’re starting school after everyone else. bc starting school right before Halloween is very very Late)

So on Sunday night, Neil is an asshole to Billy during dinner and Billy steals a bottle of liquor from him and drinks about half of it in his room before Neil walks in and catches Billy looking at himself in the mirror w/ his stolen alcohol. And Neil gets furious and hits Billy hard and bruises him up before throwing him out, throwing gay slurs on top of him for good measure, and tells him to be back in the morning to pick up Max.

And so Hop is on his way back home when he sees Billy speeding. He pulls him over and they have a little row before Hop sees the bruises and the cut on Billy’s cheekbone and eventually he coaxes Billy into letting Hop take him to his cabin bc Billy is clearly tired and broken and very much hurt. He doesn’t wanna make him sleep in the drunk tank the night before his first day of school, so he takes him home and gives him a blanket and a pillow and threatens his life if he were to ever tell anyone about El and that sketches Billy out but he takes what he’s offered and shuts up about it.

And El is confused, angry bc “why does he come here and Mike doesn’t?”

But she sees Billy move tentatively and recognizes something of herself in him. She sees him and understands that he looks how she feels sometimes and Hop will give her a blanket and a glass of water when that happens so El does that for Billy. Sits down with him and accidentally calls him “pretty” out loud and then runs away.

It takes a while for Billy to sleep, but he does.

And when he gets kicked out or has to leave the house or whatever happens, he’ll drive out close to where Hop’s cabin is and claim it’s subconscious and Hop always takes him in bc he feels for this kid. He sees himself in this kid.

Bc Hop isn’t stupid: he can put two and two together. He’s pretty sure he saw Neil at Melvalds a couple days ago. The man reminds Hop of his own father and lord knows Hop didn’t have a great relationship with that jackass. He saw Neil and thought that man looked like the kind that got too invested in the war. The kind that believed all the bullshit the government threw up onto the country like it was going to keep them afloat. He sees his hard eyes and strong face made harder by combat but really, he sees a weak man who thinks hitting his son is the best way to show dominance.

And from the way Billy acts, Hop can tell this goes back to when Billy was a kid. No one acts like that w/o some serious damage. Hop just likes that Billy is nice to El.

In fact, he’s really nice to El. He takes a liking to her right away bc she’s always asking him questions about the world and his clothes and his hair and “what does that say?” as if he’s already her brother. And he answers like he’s already her brother. And Hop feels it in his chest, that paternal feeling of he needs a home.

And he doesn’t wanna start taking kids in like they’re dogs but he just… he can feel it. He knows this boy deserves better than what he’s getting. One day he’s hurt so much that Hop is worried about El even seeing him. It’s on Friday and fuck Hop knows the tactic. Hurt him harder Friday, let the injuries heal up before Monday. So he doesn’t walk up to school with a black eye and a bruised nose. So no one suspects.

It boils Hop’s blood. He wants to make an arrest. He wants to do something. But Billy is still a deer in headlights in their home. He still sleeps with his boots on. Hell, he’s only been around 2 or 3 times.

And when El wakes up in the middle of one night that Billy is there, crying and screaming and wailing and calming down only when Hop is there to comfort her, Billy asks in the morning what was wrong. She cites “Papa.”

And Billy asks Hop to come outside and then, when they’re both out, swings at Hop hard. Barely makes contact bc Hop sees and dodges and watches Billy stumble over the ground.

“What the fuck, kid?”

“Do you hit her?”

Hop is completely taken aback.

“What?”

“Do you hit that little girl?”

And Hop is amazed that this boy is fully ready to pick a fight with him, someone arguably much larger than him, just over his daughter. Hop asks why he would ever think that. Billy mentions the Papa comment. Hop explains that’s not him. He stumbles over his words trying to explain his relationship to El w/o explaining all of the monster shit that’s happening around here but it’s hard and he’s fed up and has to go to work so he just says:

“You shouldn’t be mixed up in this!”

Billy just yells back: “Then why did you bring me here?” angry and red and sweating bc he finally thought he found a place but now it’s lost again and so he drives himself to school in a fury. He doesn’t visit Hop anymore. and it’s good that way bc Hop is off on a journey figuring out about this town going to shit at the hands of a monster and El is leaving for Chicago and then Billy has to find Max.

But on the way he finds Steve, wandering into a junkyard, the kids on top of a bus. He gets mixed up in monster fighting and the nightmares that invade this town in the dark and he dry heaves from all of the stress. He reunites w/ Hop and El and rekindles a better relationship w/ Max and he goes back home to more abuse.

And Hop sees it, lets Billy come over even when nothing’s wrong just bc he feels better here, calmer here, safer here than he ever did at home. Hop buys Billy his own mug and starts letting him have the bed.

“I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“C’mon, Chief. You’re way bigger than me, you can’t-”

“You’re not gonna sleep on this couch any more. Take the bed, I’ll be fine over here.”

And Hop starts to learn how to father Billy, boils a little hotter with every new bruise he sees, and eventually goes through the very tedious battle of gaining custody. But it’s worth it bc now he has his hot headed son ~♥

[alo-piss-trancy]

What would be some Grell omorashi headcanons?

Quick Note: I tend to use she/her for Gr/ell and hc her as a tra/ns wo/man, but I also understand between canon sources, non-canon char interviews, author intentions, dif cultural views, The time period the canon takes place in vs. The year the media was published vs. Our current time now changing views/terms, it's ALL a giant clustertruck question mark blob. So feel free to hc Gre/ll differently, be that a very feminine ga/y man or b/i or nonb/inary or whatever, I genuinely don't mind how anyone hcs characters and fan content does not affect my enjoyment of canon in any way. I'm never gonna pick fights and claim somebody's playing with their imaginary Barbie wrong lmao, kindergarteners know better than that

Now to the actual ask:

ANON I LOVE YOU!!! Gr/ell is one of my fav chars EVER but I never get to talk about her hhhhh ❤❤❤

I've had 8 dang years to think about this so enjoy a varied selection 😼 I'm sorry in advance bc half of these are very lemony oops

General:

* Reapers have stronger bladders than humans (in terms of capacity/general strength), but they're still much weaker than a demon's (goes for all bodily functions tbh. Demons don't really have any, the only reason they would need to go is if they chose to partake in occasional food/drink, and could easily hold it for weeks or even months at a time). A reaper can probably hang in there with a full bladder for a day or two if very determined, less if they've had any strong diuretics/alcohol (I imagine the humans' stuff is p weak tho and barely gets them buzzed).

* Gr/ell's bladder is stronger than a newbie like Ro/nald's, but weaker than someone like W/ill's. Mostly bc she's frequently drinking unhealthy stuff and has no problem up and ditching to pee as soon as she's tired of waiting.

* Not bladdershy in the slightest, and not dysp/horic either. (While she wants a womb/too look more womanly, she also seems fairly content with her body and even takes pride in it in several scenes.) The only time I could see her getting nervous/locking up is if she had a really bad day or felt extra self-conscious, and it wouldn't be a very severe condition.

* She doesn't like going in weird/gross places because she is a Beautiful Lady With Standards, thank you very much. If she has absolutely no choice she'll suck it up and pee in an alley like the commoner humans, but she will complain about it for the next few years at every opportunity.

* That being said she's also a huge hypocrite, and if the situation was reversed would immediately snap at someone like W/ill or Ro/nald to just go in the alley already instead of failing to hide their desperation on the job. You bunch of damn babies, grow a pair.

* If she needs to be serious/doesn't want ppl to know, she can hide desperation fairly well (a little clumsy/flushed and sweaty, but that could be mistaken as her normal goofy behavior), masking how bad it really is until she's a minute from wetting herself.

* If she doesn't care and wants to complain though, she's obvious af. Whines and gripes the whole time, full-blown potty dance to garner sympathy, legs crossed and bouncing, everything. By the time she gets to the suspiciously e/rotic moans ppl usually hurry to find her a bathroom/yell at her to leave lol

* There have definitely been times when Gre/ll used going to the bathroom as an excuse to ditch work for a LONG time or took many frequent smaller breaks to do her nails/read magazines/flirt with Seb, etc. Needless to say, this backfires terribly the one time she actually does have to go because W/illiam definitely isn't putting up with her bs no matter how much she begs or squirms. He's even madder at her when he realizes he'll have to clean the floor. If she wasn't so mad/embarrassed herself, she'd have taken joy in his karma and gladly told him to suck her d/ick.

* That's def not the first time W/ill's seen her desperate or piss herself. As young stud reapers in training I guarantee G/rell got shitfaced at company parties on more than one occasion (or just went out drinking the night before work on a weekday lol). Frequently showed up for field work having to pee every other hour and driving him nuts c':

* She and Ma/dame Red definitely fooled around a couple of times (she's the only woman Gr/ell's ever been attracted to) . Maybe Gr/ell already had the kink and brought it up, or maybe Red saw Gr/ell squirming and asked (insisted) she let her watch until she lost control, but either way things got dirty real quick lmao. Red slapped a demon's ass in the same room as her nephew, she's dom AF (and inappropriate lmao). G/rell's a giant masochist/sadist combo. Do the math 👀👌💯

* I personally love the concept of her ending up desperate after inviting herself along and crashing one of C/iel and Seb/astian's missions and just being miserable the whole time trying to hide it. Because she def can't embarrass herself in front of B/assy, but even worse she will NOT prove she has to take a potty break before some human kid. Naturally, C/iel being the complete brat and posessive bitch he is, immediately picks up on her predicament and torments her the whole time/makes a fool of her without letting Seb know the real issue. She can't lay a finger on him because she'd be Dead and she can't whine for B/assy to get him to stop bc that would mean explaining her problem so it just keeps escalating in comedic fashion. (This isn't even an omo hc really sorry lol, I just love any plot with those two bickering like petty babies as rivals for Seb's attention, even better if Ci/el consistently pulls one over on her and is the more mature one. You killed my aunt and then tried to steal my butler, Get Rekt Bitch )

* In any aus where she isn't hooking up with Red or trying to get Seb, I ship her hard with Un/dertaker (they're my otp actually don't judge me). In those he's actually the one with a massive piss kink and she's weirded tf out at first, but I mean if ur bf already eats dog biscuits and sleeps in a coffin u can probs learn to live with it. She indulges him periodically and he spoils her rotten afterwards. (I actually had several fic ideas for those two back in the day. One day maybe I'll finally get around to it).

* No matter what she draws a hard line at drinking it. No thank you. Golden showers are a maybe but they better have some gr8 shampoo to scrub her luxurious hair with afterwards.

* Wetting herself in that too small choir outfit from s1 that basically made short shorts and a crop top? P l e a s e

Dom G/rell:

* Has totally tried to pin Seb down/trap him somewhere and use his increasing desperation as leverage to get what she wants since he's too proper to wet himself. It probably doesn't work bc he's crafty and also could just throw her across the room, but u know. Points for trying.

* When someone lets her dom them willingly she's an absolutely sadistic fiend. W/ill completely torment them until they're begging and broken, and they have to pleasure her first before she'll show any mercy and allow them to let go. That said, she's got an almost sweet tone to anything she says and is very affectionate the whole time. It's a dichotomy that leaves any subs an absolute wreck. Her absolute fav part is watching ppl squirm and start to leak, it's cute.

* She also likes doing the whole fake sympathy play, where everything nice she says makes it 20x worse for the sub. Poor babies ❤

* Making out so they can't say anything no matter how desperate they are, just writhing underneath her with their whimpers muffled in her mouth? Perfection.

* Slowly pressing her boot into someone's abdomen is her signature move.

Sub Gr/ell:

* Loves the whole humiliation aspect and being all squirmy and nervous in front of (S/EBASTIAN) people, struggling to hide her problems and act casual but knowing her face is flushed red.

* When it gets really bad she gets super whiny and submissive, whimpering and moaning and really playing up the vulnerable aspect. Look how pitiful she is, it would be oh so easy for them to have their way with her~ (and then she bats her eyelashes and they just glare ajdkgk stop fucking around G/rell this is a Serious Scene we talked about this before we started)

* Sometimes she does public holds or gets desperate before a mission/visit just so she can see how long she can get away with it before she has to cave/people get suspicious. It's k/inky, exh/ibitionist, and oh so delicious~

* Lives for (S/EBASTIAN) the dom to get mad and disappointed in her, verbally berating her for not being more composed and embarrassing them in public, manhandling her as she's dragged somewhere more secluded to get ahold of herself, being teased and poked and prodded all while they're sneering in her ear. She wants to feel like the dirtiest, most ashamed and nervous person alive for such a simple need, knowing it's going to come out eventually no matter how hard she tries to be Good, having to beg and plead with teary eyes only to be denied access to the bathroom and told to suck it up and hold it.

* She really liked her original disguise/persona from the Ma/dame Red Days for this exact reason. Could be as shy and stuttery as possible and really play it up, got bossed around/teased by everyone, it was great. Totally got desperate once or twice so 'he' could beg Seb/astian to use the manor bathroom and get pitied. If he 'tripped' and just so happened to lose control and start crying, well, that couldn't be helped...

[trnstlanticism]

why can’t i have that?

hey i wrote a really quick henclair thing. i meant for this to be fluff but it became more dustin centric and introspective than i originally intended. sorry - the henclair is there at the end! but it’s mostly dustin centric, him being emo about dying alone, with side byeler bc i’m predictable. there’s mention of underage drinking and they’re all aged up to be 17 in here. this is my first time writing Dramatic Dustin so i hope it wasn’t too terrible...

Dustin wakes up with his head aching which immediately puts him in a bad mood. He grumbles sleepily from his place on Mike’s basement floor, the pain too much to simply ignore and go back to sleep. Last night had been just the guys - rewatching Star Wars and eating junk food, and then taking sips of the whiskey Mike had stolen from his father’s cabinet. It had been disgusting and Dustin was ready to spit it out but watching the way Lucas chugged it down, smirking at all of them after he’d finished, bolstered his competitive spirit and he immediately chugged down several sips.

Now, he was paying the price for it.

He’s considering the pros and cons of waking up and dragging his sorry hungover - over barely a glass of whiskey?! Seriously!? Alcohol was such bullshit - self up the stairs for a glass of water and Advil, and hopefully Mrs. Wheeler’s cooking. Then he remembers that she’s out for the weekend - the only reason they’d been able to drink alcohol in the first place, and feels despair so acute in his gut, he could throw up.

There’s a soft groaning from the couch and he cranes his neck a little to see Will sitting up with a disgruntled expression, his eyes squinting. Dustin’s about to ask him if he feels the after-effects of the whiskey as well when two gangly arms come out of nowhere, wrap around Will’s waist, and pull him back down against the couch. Will squirms a little. “Mike,” he says with fond exasperation and now Dustin is definitely going to throw up.

So… yeah. That was a thing. Mike and Will, not officially “together” by any means but pretty much definitely “together” in every sense of the word - now they slept together on the couch or even retreated up to Mike’s bedroom on sleepover nights, held hands whenever they went out to the party, and Dustin had seen Will’s swollen lips and Mike’s self-satisfied smile too many times. He’s happy for his friends, he really is, but it reminds him of how Mike and El and Lucas and Max were back in the beginning of high school - happy couple holding hands and shit, painfully reminding Dustin of his single status and how at this rate he was going to die alone.

Dustin wasn’t… lonely by the standard definition of lonely but it sure would be nice to have someone to cuddle in the morning. Not that he wanted to cuddle Will or Mike - judging by Mike’s soft voice and Will’s motherfucking giggles, he was going to kill them if they engaged in any public displays of affection right in front of him. Like, seriously how dare they? Didn’t they care about his feelings?

He turns his head back to his other companion on the floor. “Lucas are you seeing this shit?” But there’s no Lucas in his sleeping bag, beside him, where they fell asleep last night. He blinks. “Hey guys stop making out for a second - where’s Lucas?”

Mike groans out loud. “We weren’t making out!” Yet, Dustin thinks miserably.

Will sticks his head out to where he is with a sheepish smile. “Oh you’re awake,” he says, way too chipper for someone who most definitely has a hangover. “Well, he’s probably upstairs. Do you wanna go check and see?”

Will does this thing with his voice where he’s not exactly asking you to do something but he might as well be with his large hazel doe-like eyes. Dustin has never wanted to punch his friend so much.

“Fine,” he grumbles as he stands, making sure to look as unhappy as possible. His headache has increased exponentially - a certain consequence from being exposed to his friends happy gay vibes. Will is smiling, pleased, and Mike isn’t even looking at Dustin, running his hands up Will’s sides and kissing his ear. Dustin makes a disgusted noise before he climbs up the stairs, making sure to step down on each one particularly hard, even though it makes his ears ring something awful.

“How dare you,” is how he greets Lucas. Lucas, who’s in the kitchen looking perfectly fine, cooking eggs on the stove, a plate of warm toast already on the table.

Lucas raises his eyebrows at him. “Good morning to you too, asshole,” he says cheerfully.

Dustin practically throws himself onto the chair with a whine. “How could you leave me down there with the lovebirds?! They’re in their honeymoon stage - it’s disgusting!”

“It’s cute,” Lucas corrects him with a laugh. He grabs a glass, fills it with water, and hands it to Dustin. “Here. Drink this, you look like shit.”

“Still look better than you,” Dustin mumbles back, before chugging the water down gratefully. “I mean seriously, don’t they have any shame? I swear, Mike was going to eat Will right in front of me! Like come on!”

“At least they’re happy?” Lucas puts a plate in front of him, eggs a little runny just the way he likes it, so that he can dip his toast into it. “I mean… you remember sophomore year.” Dustin cringes. Yeah, he remembers sophomore year. Mike and El’s messy breakup, Will’s obvious and tragic pining - yeah it was bad. Really bad. “Make sure you eat some toast, then take some Advil,” Lucas gestures for him to eat. “You have a headache right?”

Dustin sinks in his seat, flashing back to the way Lucas had so easily drank last night. “No, I don’t,” he lies. Lucas isn’t with Max anymore either, the two of them amicably breaking up last summer but Lucas has still drifted from him in a way Dustin didn’t like thinking about. He’d joined the track and field team at his dad’s urging and by junior year he was a star player of the team. Doing sports did good things for your reputation and Lucas had been elevated to “cool kid.” He still hung out with them but he also hung out with a lot more people - not the art kids like Will knew or the theater nerds Mike hung out with. Certainly not anyone on the school decathalon team like Dustin was. Lucas was smart, athletic, popular, and probably went to tons of parties were he learned how to drink whiskey like that.

Yeah, Dustin definitely didn’t want to think about that.

Lucas stares at him, his dark eyes seeing right through him. “Just eat, Henderson.”

So Dustin does, moodily chewing his eggs and toast, his mood too foul to properly enjoy them even though they’re exactly the kind of pick me up he needed after last night. He’s feeling weird - frustrated over Will and Mike’s easy affection, jealous that he can’t have any of that for his own, and Lucas standing there in front of him with his patient eyes and sly smile isn’t helping him at all. Lucas hands him the pills after he’s eaten most of his breakfast. “Drink.”

“Whatever,” Dustin mumbles as he does so. Lucas’s smile is gone, replaced with a concerned frown.

“Hey man, are you okay? You’re like, moodier than normal.” His voice goes quiet. “Mike didn’t really - “

“No!” Dustin’s head is throbbing. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just. It’s so stupid. Relationships, love.” He sighs, pushing his plate away, and putting his head down on the table. “It’s all bullshit.”

Lucas doesn’t say anything but after a beat of silence, Dustin feels a hand in his hair, slowly stroking his curls. Dustin hates that Lucas knows how much this calms him down - he wants to stay angry god damn it - but the tension in his body slowly starts to seep out, as Lucas’s touch somehow magically massages his headache away.

After all, Dustin knows it’s not bullshit. He wants that - he wants soft looks in the morning, tender touches in the afternoon, and a warm body to curl up with at night. He wants to feel love and be loved in return. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard, considering most of his friends have been with someone at least once. Dustin wants to call up Steve and tell him that his advice was full of shit but it’s not like Dustin every laid moves on someone he actually wanted to be with. He didn’t want to just date someone for the experience. He wanted someone that he could talk to about the recent discoveries in gene therapy and have them actually listen instead of having their eyes glaze over. He wanted someone who would listen to him when he cried about New Zealand’s kakapos becoming an endangered species because of what it could mean for other similar species.

He wanted someone like Lucas, who did all of that and more. But Lucas had so much more going for him so there was no way Dustin could find someone to replace him. It was impossible.

“Are you falling asleep Dustin?” Lucas hasn’t stopped petting his hair, but he definitely sounds amused. Dustin groans into the table, insistently bumping his head against Lucas’s hand.

“Don’t stop,” he mumbles, eyes shutting close. Maybe he was getting a little sleepy. “Don’t stop, or I’ll die.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Lucas hums a little, a tune Dustin vaguely recognizes as a song that Will keeps playing in Mike’s car. It’s always Will in the passenger seat, holding Mike’s hand across the dash, while Dustin and Lucas are pressed close together in the back. It’s always been like that.

“Hey Dustin?” Lucas’s voice is serious and Dustin tries to listen even though dreamland is dragging him back into blissful sleep. “It’s not bullshit, you know. Love and all that. I promise, it isn’t.”

Easy for you to say asshole, Dustin wants to reply but he’s already asleep. He doesn’t know it, but Lucas keeps stroking his hair, staring at him with longing, intense eyes, words that remain unspoken getting swallowed in the lukewarm morning air.

[shytiff]

Mar 2021 Wins

1 - Work againn except the medical record ran out. So we went back at 12 am. Relaxeddd at home. Fasted today (still got 2 fasting debts to go). Meeting with dr dafsah dr bayushi and dr debby at 20:30. I embarrassed myself lmao,,, and what you can say as "asal bunyi". Let the overthinking and fear begin. I actually woke up 3 times during the night, lmaoo is it anxiety? Never happened to me before.

2 - we need to take care of administrations to get more medical record so we did. Wasted almost half of the day but we finally managed. Immediately fell asleep at home lmao

3 - the usual day in harkit. Asked more medical records. Planned to go to cp to see slip ons but the tj i wanted to ride went straight to kalideres so like the sane person i am of course i went back home. Timing is very222 great sometimes in life. Zoom meeting with the ever so kind dr eva. Mahmud and dela joined the assistant gang

4 - magang. Met dr eva in pediatric icu. late late evening lunch was kungpao chicken sec bowl (which i exclaimed as sweet. And then my friend said kungpao is supposed to taste like that. Huh). I was picked up after maghrib. Laid down in bed, playing my phone until 22ish and i fell asleep. Damn i shouldve slept earlier yknow

5 - magang. Ate spicy salmon onigiri from lawson for lunch. Went to btkv basecamp with mahmud since RM was a bit crowded. Not even 10 mins in, and we excused ourselves because misuh2 btkv near the computer on our table. Went to nonama in le meridien after magang with ara ness gen cal hanin amal alya. The sushi was so so (too much rice). Yay for lots of sashimi. Salmon kushiage was tasty. Salmon aburi cheesy stuff was tasty. Soba so so. Takoyaki explodes in your mouth. While waiting for mom, saw live piano performance in the lobby. Shes playing alone. I hope she knows someone out there appreciates it *oddly melancholic*

6 - slept in. Felt good. Hurriedly showered and got ready bcs i thot it was getting a bit late and turns out i arrived in halte kalideres 9:11 am lmao. Breakfast slash lunch was penyetan cok ayam. The sambal was not THAT spicy but my tongue has weakened now. Picked up some data in RM. Went to central park with my heavy ass bag to search for slip ons. Didnt find one yet. Went to kkv for the first time. Went back home and its heavy rain on the tj but dry in kalideres. Snacked on fitz cookies (its basically vegan tuffis) on the bus since i felt hungryyy. Juan bought chicken satay and when i arrived theyre all eating but i didnt feel like eating with them lmao (its been a while since i last did) so i just went upstairs, finished that fitz cookies, fell asleep in my mukena (after maghrib) and skipping isya :(

7 - didnt feel like doing anything when i woke up, but forced myself to open laptop for nemo. Played a bit of keyboard. Ate last nights satay. Rly was in a rut until i managed to shower (i last showered yesterday morning,,,) and felt a bit better. Even did night skin care and mask (which i didnt do lately)

8 - magang as usual while listening to curhat babu. I was still feeling "off" even though i was outside already. Felt a bit more normal after i had lawson's ice arabica gayo covfefe. Lunch was spicy sec bowl with extra chicken. Coffee's effect is amazing im just blown away. Like im not tired. I feel normal. I dont feel like immediately going to bed when i arrive at the house. Read and finished starving anonymous before bed. Its... A lot to take in. Especially before bed lmaoo

9 - mencret2 in the morning and i blame it on spicy sec bowl. my pace in magang is so slow why :( lunch is carbonara spaghetti from Barilla (29k with discount). It does make you feel full, and it is creamy. But the beef bacon is so few 😐 it will be more delish if it has more bacon. Picked up by mom after maghrib today. At 19:30 ish my stomach hurtedddd bcs of rising acid.its been a while since it happened. Thankfully mom bought tan ek tjoan and brownies. The ache dissipated after i finished my bread. Its so cold in the car tfff or is it my poor metabolism

10 - magang til after isya since tomorrow is a holiday. powered by lawson’s arabica gayo after lunch (good habit’s minimal-taste fried rice lol). while on the way back, kapjagiii ukmppd result announcement. alhamdulillah i passed. congratulated by some. slept late seeing people’s social media update.

11 - woke up late. didnt feel hungry, so i ate at 13:00 ish (tuna, peanut-chocolate sandwich). slept after eating. ghosted mahmuda calling me regarding after zuhur liqo. didnt pick up atikah’s calls. cant seem to talk lmao. rly rly tried to do dr dafsah’s excel this day, but cant seem to start my day. i was like “i’ll take a shower” but i didnt. “i’ll start the excel at 20:00″ i didnt. i just slept. and woke. and slept. dreamed about going to dufan with clara but we bailed since there was no promo. i practically didnt no anything today lol

12 - finally showered (that was supposedly done yesterday lmao). my pink flats broke down. i was the only one who come lmao. did dr dafsah’s excel and finished at 10. went to TA and tried popolamama’s ayce. tried chicken arabiatta (very tomato-ey taste, not a fan), pepperoni, bolognese and banana caramel with vanilla ice cream. Managed to eat 4 small pizza out of 9 flavor choices. While eating i remembered i came to celebrate passing ukmppd. so in my mind i pat myself in the back and said (not out loud) congrats for passing ukmppd. it felt bittersweet, but a nice validation. tried to search for slip ons again but didnt find one. bought a black top in uniqlo. started reading here you are

13 - lazed and lazed and jhs friends wanted to meet up but i cant even muster the courage to shower lmao. after zuhur was the meet up time but i slept at 12. lets go. come on. out. suddenly i have to build up a will to socialize just like with running. and i managed. left the house at 13:30-ish. went to ali kopi dm and got thai tea. slowly warming up my social battery. and then things felt a bit better. and we moved to flavola (got the somay). and talked we did, until suddenly its near isya. and then i had to go back bcs mom was being restrictive as usual. if it werent for that i would stay longer w atikah and pupuy. felt energized afterwards, read more of here you are and slept at 00:00 ish

14 - woke up, played some keyboard. im not prepared for another monday. Mangago is down. Unboxed my knockoff airpods that arrived couple of days ago. The sound and function was ok. Showered near the end of zuhur.

15 - magang as usual. Got out of my gloomy (felt a bit better) after going out. Lunch was ayam pedas lawson with added fried chicken. Also bought arabica gayo. Went back home before maghrib. Why must i be here while my dad talk about whatever before sholat maghrib. I hate it here. Ara and redita stayed over bcs theyre 'supposedly' going to rsut to pick up samples. Except it was cancelled and in the morning they went back to rscm,,,

16 - its only morning but i yapped abt worrying in our future to poor ekal who just sat there lmaoo. I told him how i realized im easily bored. Tried K-Chop for lunch, bought kimchi bokkeumbap, pajeon and kimchi jeon. The fried rice tasted like fried rice but with a hint of kimchi. Kimchi jeon was good and refreshing. the pajeon was basically egg with added ingredients. But it did make me feel full. Suddenly felt like singing life goes on with the keyboard.

17 - tried fitfut for lunch. Got mushroom chicken steak and katsu wrap. Their katsu is,,, simply put, tasteless. Like those HEALTHY healthy foods. The (small) chicken steak was ok. The mushroom sauce tasted good. Zoom call with dr dafsah at 12 am. More work i guess,,,

18 - fasted today. Still got 1 debt to go. Sahur was indomie, banana and protein shake. Did not feel hungry in magang but i kinda felt lightheaded. And then i cant take it anymore and went home at 2 pm. Arrived after ashar. Theres PLENTY of time to do stuff, right? Nope. I just laid in bed playing my phone til maghrib (iftar was chicken noodle) and continued until i fell asleep. My dream was absurd lmaoooo

19 - had custom salad hut for lunch. felt suuuper fult. bought pop cookies since it was the last day of grabfood’s 50% promo. was picked up after isya by mom. we talked with the resident who’s doing his thesis stuff and it turns out he’s from the same shs as mahmuda lmao. he bought kopsus and donat kampung for us, how kinddd :”) i said “mantap ni kakak kelasnya mahmud” and he said “kamu kan adek kelas saya juga”. kind seniors. i hope they have great careers and be successful and im learning to be kind from kind people. i dont know, im just easily touched by simple gestures lmaoo. first time trying tuku’s coffee. it’s smooth and creamy (like the milk and coffee unites (?)) and it doesnt separate when you leave it. its milky but has a strong coffee taste. Slept at 11 pm-ish, playing my phone

20 - lazed. saw long covid webinar. ate mom’s salmon mentai, pop cookies matcha cream cheese and dark chocolate. the dark chocolate one, especially a bit cold, taste soooo good wtf. concentrated sugar and chocolate at its finest. played some keyboard. saw youtube vids about the genius jacob collier. lent my byu phone number so ara could use it to catfish in coffee and bagel lol. bought sbux green tea and caramel macchiato 1 L for 100k + delivery fee and my bro said it tasted good

21 - tried pop cookies red velvet this time. Its super sweet yall and i thought martabak orins was the epitome of d40 bolus. did pamela reif 10 mins calorie burn that wont kill you. except i got doms WITHIN the day of work out. also attempted sun salutation and my leg is so damn stiff. did some work on sunday!!! wow!!!! (after wasting 2 weekends) finished skimming air gear lol. it still made me feel glorious. 

22 - volunteered to help vaccination at rptra planet senen w akis els yud kind. Finished at about 13:30. We got chicken noodle, nasi padang and mcd lol. Went to senen bus station. Prayed there. Called mahmud and turns out theres no new medical record so i went straight home. Ate the mcd and lazed in bed

23 - vaccine volunteer again, this time in sd 01 kramat, w regen nagit red adita. Observation table again. Except its twice the amount of pt compared to yesterday. Nebeng redita to gang IX and walked to nessa's place. Went to GI and we watched violet evergarden (tif gen ness kris indah ara). The ac in the screenX cgv theater wasnt even on. Picked up by mom at 20:30 ish so i hurried down. The movie was hilarious w indah's commentary

24 - sooo sleepy and lazy but finally went to harkit. Waiting for pak oji to get medicak records, i shopped at sociolla lol. Bought eyebrow pencil, eyeshadow palette, blush since i dont have those (i only have cheap 3 color mizzu eyeshadow). Did some work. Met kiki in RM. "planned" to do the rest of magang work at home and arrivd back at 3-ish pm but we all know thats a lie. Lazed. Maghrib. Bought sbux 1L to have some caffeine through the green tea. Sinau airway class by dr zeta (focused thanks to the caffeine). Had some "awake time" left and did not feel sleepy til 10:30ish pm but i had to sleep since i got 1 more fasting to go 2mrw. No progress on magang work aaaaa

25 - had indomie, boiled egg, banana and protein powder for sahur. magang. emir took a while to pick me up even though i already told him the time im arriving and i ended up ordering grab lmao and he showed up right before the grab. liqo w kak kartika and mahmud while sipping caramel macchiato. did some translation (job by dr triya)

26 - picked up pld medal, gown and buavita (lol) at salemba and then went to harkit. met kiki again. lunch was k-chop. quite good and fulfilling. waiting for mom to pick me up before maghrib. Was lazying around at night and it turns out clara came w kefas. She called but dumb ass me had my phone on silent. She surprised me and came all the wayyy with a little tayo cake and a line friends pillow. I was awkward w kefas bcs im awkward w new people :):):) she went back and then i cried afterwards in my room. Fianti sent me a wish before midnight (somehow havent fell asleep) and then i close my eyes and go to the dream world

27 - had mie goreng for breakfast. fell asleep again. woke to silvi and racheel calling me and as usual my phone was not ringing. there’s racil silvi devi reza outside the door lmao. they (including atikah) surprised me with gift (a bag). i asked them to come with me to gi since im gonna eat w regen. we tried yakiniku like and the meat was juicy and yum, better then kintan. racil dkk ate marugame udon just below. wanted to get banban but it was so crowded. went back by grab. racil and atikah stayed over. talked until like 12 am. forced myself to pray isya. 

28 - talked for hours like we usually do, tried some makeup bcs i need to practice for pld lol. tarik tiga to their place bcs i needed to borrow pld clothes lol. rearranged my room and i was sweating. i should’ve drank macchiato and did some work but i cant bring myself to so i just sleep. hangovers post feeling normal are never the best feeling

29 - woke up super late. cant bring myself to go to harkit. i feel like shit. sick and tired of feeling sick and tired ((quoting jhene aiko)). mustered some will to shower. rode my on bike pretending im going to harkit except im going to mcd. got big breakfast and lemon tea. went to flavola, ordered kopsus coklat and indomie + telor. Went back home after isya. 

30 - Binge watching sean and kaycee’s vids lol it all began with their leave the door open dance :). went to harkit by TJ after the redcap was unaccessible at 09:30ish. lunch was truffle belly chicken mushroom (somehow there’s 50% disc). Took some needed data and went back home at 14:20. did (new) translation for dr Triya. finally drank homemade matcha latte after a while. 

31 - originally intended to go to flavola after zuhur, but i just cant muster the strength. did dr triya’s translation work. didnt do any ecmocard today. felt like shit. ate the tayo small cake from clara. quite good and not too heavy. gladi kotor pld today. did green screen using mukena lol. fell asleep. skipped isya and the next morning’s subuh :( basically i ended march feeling like utter shit lol

[whambamthankyoubram]

ALL OF THEM IM A NOSEY BITCH

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? MORE CEREAL THAN MILK OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT SATAN

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? No bc my cheeks are cold as hell and I need warmth

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I fold the corners or put little mailings/postcards in them, whatever I have laying around!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Tea, nothing; coffee, milk only!

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes :( There’s a gap in my teeth and I hate it. I wish my teeth were perfect.

6: do you keep plants? Nope.

7: do you name your plants? Can’t name the plants you don’t keep, my dude

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Uhhhh...no?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? YES all the time.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Side!

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? 

12: what's your favorite planet? Pluto bc it is still a planet okay

13: what's something that made you smile today? My boyfriend’s Snapchats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Messy af

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “In space, the skin on your feet peels off.” EW SPACE WTF

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? MMMMMM any pasta tbh I’m Italian I will eat anything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I love my hair color the way it is now!

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. My ex never let me forget the time I was passed out on his couch, and I woke up intermittently before falling back asleep. He was watching Rush Hour. I asked him, (HALF ASLEEP MIND YOU), Oh, is this the movie with Chris Rock and Bruce Lee? (I’m awful).

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I write my thoughts and crazy paranoia in there boyyyyyeeeee

20: what's your favorite eye color? BROWN

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Uhhhhh it’s a longchamp bc I’m a white girl

22: are you a morning person? Not really

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Not sure

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? I’ve never broken into anything omg

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My Uggs, because I’m a white girl

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Mint

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? My BFF giggles sometimes when she talks and idk it’s cute

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Fuck yes, have you ever seen a spider? In your shower? Without your glasses on? 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS! When I get socks for Christmas I get so excited. I can fall asleep with socks on, but at some point in the night, they’re coming off my feet lol.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I ate pizza while I was drunk #wowimsocool

33: what's your fave pastry? Cinnamon buns, does that count?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Winnie the Motherfuckin Pooh. No :( He fell in the mud and I had to throw him out bc the washer couldn’t fix him

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Fuck yeah I do!

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? Noooo clue tbh

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean, but it’s always a mess

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I hate when the President sniffs into the microphone while he’s delivering some sort of address, blow ur nose next time or stop doing coke

39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? Nose ring, no special meaning I just really like it

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? An Abundance of Katherines bc I fucking love the shit out of John Green

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really tbh

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Probably my bf

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? The other night, at the beach! So pretty :)

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I couldn’t think of any, next question

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Aerosol cheese

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Bugs, yes, ew

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? Don’t remember!! I bought the first Glee soundtrack when it came out LOL

50: what's an odd thing you collect? Socks?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate “All Night” by Chance the Rapper w my bf

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Salt bae for sure

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Beetlejuice was the only one, I watched a little of Pulp Fiction - they were both ok

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My friend :( she’s ok now but I saw her the other night and she was upset

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Not sure 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Laughter and the way people get excited over things

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It made me feel like I’ve been having too much sugar tonight tbh

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’M THE WINE MOM!!!! I am the wine QUEEN ok that’s all I ever drink. My bff is the vodka aunt, but she lives miles apart from me so we rarely drink together nowadays 

59: what's your favorite myth? Dude? I don’t have one

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot. 

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? I got a really ugly hat once, and I gave a really ugly hat once, at the same Christmas exchange party 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Hell no I’m a living mess

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yes, my bff 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Mad lilies! They’re my fav flower

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Depressed and tired tbh

68: what's winter like where you live? Cold but not too cold bc you know global warming

69: what are your favorite board games? Scrabble!!

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Yes lol

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? ANY KIND! Right now I’m really feeling ginger turmeric from Trader Joe’s, though, soooo good

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? YES.

73: what are some of your worst habits? Uhhh not going to bed early enough lol

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. This person is a HUGE JARLEY FAN and super adorbs!!! Hates Mon-El and LOVES TO RANT ABOUT IT AND I LOVE THIS PERSON REGARDLESS 

75: tell us about your pets! So I have a dog, he’s almost 12 years old which is really depressing bc he’s probably going to pass on soon :( I’m obsessed with him and love him so much!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Yeah, taking my bra off why am I still wearing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade? PINK, always

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Hate club, get them the fuck away from me

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? One of my old boyfriends learned how to knit for me which I thought was very sweet

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Aqua! Because I like it?

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. “Comets.”

82: are/were you good in school? Not really

83: what's some of your favorite album art? Ohhhh I know this, I love Californication’s album art so much

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I have seven!!

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? No

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Wat

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? The Lion King, BITCH

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not really

89: are you close to your parents? Yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. NEW YORRRRRK. Concrete jungle where dreams are destroyed you’ll never get anywhere go back to long island

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Somewhere over the summer, not sure where yet tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? In the middle

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? Top knots bc I’m lazy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? The Weeknd LOL

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Date night, then I’m not sure!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Ohhh I procrastinate so much

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Not sure about the Myer-Briggs type, but I’m a scorpio + Ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Yes! I think in November. It was chilly, but a lot of fun

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

One Headlight - The Wallflowers (listening now)

Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Love Drought - Beyonce

Under the Bridge - RHCP

Strip My Mind - RHCP

Literally anything by RHCP

Do You Realize?? - The Flaming Lips (I cry literally every time I listen to it)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither, because I am choosing to live in the MOMENT :) 

[rahleeyah]

Following on from here; what happens when Jennifer Mapplethorpe meets Olivia Benson:

Jen keeps her gaze straight ahead as she leads Detective Benson to the breakroom. Truthfully, she doesn't know what to make of these NYPD detectives. They've only just arrived, it's too soon to be making snap judgments, but Jen is a copper, and that means she has developed a certain knack for reading people. The Americans, there's something...grim, about them. They're both attractive, fit, early forties, maybe, but their eyes are hard. They're both wearing blue jeans, which Jen wasn't expecting - the state police have a dress code for detectives and it doesn't include blue jeans and t-shirts - and they both move like they've got guns at their hips, even though they won't be allowed to carry while they're here. They seem to know one another well; they move together, and Benson called her partner El, and Jen didn't miss the unspoken look that seemed to pass between them.

That's the part she doesn't understand. What passed between them when Benson volunteered to fetch the coffee. Jen gets the feeling that Benson isn't subordinate, isn't going to get the coffee bc she's the woman and that's her role. Something else motivated her to walk into the breakroom alone with Jen, and that's.. interesting.

The second they stepped off the lifts Benson's eyes found Jen and something...very strange happened, then. She'd found herself caught, for a moment, trapped by those big brown eyes, by the way they traveled over Jen, appreciatively. She isn't used to getting that look from women, and certainly not from a woman who looks like that. Benson is tall, and her hair is shiny and dark, and she looks like...not a model, not waif thin like that. She's curved like an hourglass and she moves with an easy confidence, and Jen can hardly take her eyes off her. It's never been like that for her, before; she's never been this shocked by another woman's beauty. But then, she's pretty sure she's never met anyone like Olivia Benson.

"it only makes one cup at a time," Jen tells her as she leads Benson over to the coffee maker. "Sorry."

"that's fine," Benson tells her with an easy smile. "I'm in no hurry. Show me what to do."

So Jen does, points her to the cups and the coffee and the tap, and then the first batch is percolating and there's nothing to do but wait.

"how was the flight?" Jen asks. She doesn't really know what else to say.

"long," Benson tells her dryly. "He's been in a shit mood since we boarded."

Jen nods. Stabler did look a bit out of sorts.

"how long have you been working together?"

Benson is leaning casually back against the counter, and the position she's assumed highlights the swell of her breasts, the curve of her hips, in a way that makes Jen nervous. It's almost like a challenge, Benson's beauty. Like she knows exactly how she looks, and rather than trying to hide it, she's daring Jen to do something about it.

"twelve years."

Jen looks up at her sharply; that's a hell of a long time. That's three times as long as Jen's been in homicide. That's longer than Bernice Waverley's marriage.

"is that normal in New York?" She asks. "I don't think anybody here has been working together that long."

Benson shifts a little, looks away. Almost, Jen thinks, like she feels guilty about something.

"no," Benson tells her. "most partners don't stay together that long. Especially in svu."

SVU, Jen has learned, means sex crimes. She can't imagine doing that job, day in, day out, and especially not with a brooding, aggressive-looking man standing beside her.

"you must get on well," Jen muses.

"we understand each other," Benson says with a shrug. "What about you, you been in homicide long?"

The first cup of coffee is done. Benson takes it off the machine, loads it up with sugar, sets it to the side, and preps the next cup. The movements of her hands are deft, easy. Christ, even the woman's hands are beautiful.

"about four years," Jen says. "I always wanted to be in homicide but it's not easy to get in. Everyone wants to be a homicide copper."

"everyone?" Benson asks, and Jen realizes her mistake too late. But there's a smile tugging at the corner of Benson's full lips, and it makes Jen feel comfortable and nervous at the same time.

"did you always want to be in svu?" Jen asks.

Benson looks away, again. She doesn't look guilty this time. There's a flash of something like grief in her eyes and she's trying to hide it, and Jen wishes she wouldn't. Jen wants to know what put that pain there.

"yeah," Benson says. "I can't imagine doing anything else."

What would it be like, Jen wonders, to have that kind of faith? To be that dedicated. Disinterested in advancement, focused only on the crusade. Jen loves her work of course she does, and she wants to help, but she's also not planning to stay in homicide forever. She's already studying for the sergeant's exam. She wants to move up the ranks. She wants to move her career forward. Benson, though...Benson is fighting a war. There's something admirable about that.

"must be hard," Jen says.

"some days it is," Benson allows soberly. "Some days..." Her voice trails off, and she gives her head a little shake, and her hair tumbles around her shoulders like a waterfall. "but I don't do it for me. Or not just for me. I do it for them. Someone has to."

She's a goddamn crusader.

The second cup of coffee is done and so Benson reaches for it. No sugar in that one. She picks up the mugs, and she and Jen go back to rejoin the boys together. When they reach the desks Benson hands Stabler the cup with all the sugar in it. She does it silently, and he takes it without looking at her. Their movements are reflexive, as if they are long accustomed to doing this dance together. She knows how he takes his coffee and they know how to interact without interrupting whatever's happening around them. He shifts to the left and Benson comes to a stop at his right, and their shoulders are almost touching. Jen watches, wondering if they know how they telegraph their connection to one another. How they seem drawn together, even when they're not addressing one another. Nick is explaining about the case they're investigating and Benson and Stabler are sipping their coffee, listening intently, and they've both got their heads cocked towards one another. His t shirt is black, drawn tight across his heavy shoulders, and hers is white, drawn tight across her breasts but following loose beneath them, and they've both got their sunglasses pushed back on their heads, and there's something almost symmetrical about them. Complimentary. Like they're a matched set.

"right, you lot," Wolfie calls out from behind them.

Stabler and Benson, their heads swivel to the left together, and then their bodies turn in perfect unison to face him. Like a dance. A dance they've done before. Jen wonders if they know they do that, too.

"Senior Sergeant Stanley Wolfe," he introduces himself, and Stabler reaches for his hand.

"Benson," he says, pointing to his partner. "and Stabler."

"welcome aboard," Wolfie says grimly. "Briefing room," he adds, addressing all of them. "Let's bring our new friends up to speed."