#bc it's been relatively drama free for me and i love it

[devourcr]

⚜ How many people do you not like?

✮ Have you managed to stay away from drama?

☄ Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

salty af munday meme

⚜ How many people do you not like?

not MANY. i'll admit that it takes a lot for me not to like someone. even people i don't regularly talk to, i'm usually cheering them on in the bg. are there a few people out there that i have bad blood with? yes. there's a few people i'm not a fan of and that i'll avoid by sticking in my space and hoping they respectfully stay in theirs. i will say that the people i don't like know that i don't. and the feeling is usually very mutual.

i don't think you have to like everyone, as long as you aren't a dick to people for no reason.

✮ Have you managed to stay away from drama?

lololol no. i try really hard to stay away from it. i'm super nonconfrontational and i've had a history of being too much of a people pleaser. most of my drama has come from people becoming jealous and making it my problem and everyone else's problem.

☄ Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

yeahhh. i try to avoid it and i try really hard to be diplomatic and calm down situations. but i've been in the middle of drama. and like i said before, it's usually involved threading with one person and another getting upset bc i didn't respond to them, and suddenly drama between all 3 of us and i'm like w hat the fuck. FORTUNATELY, i haven't had drama lately. i've been good at cultivating my space to avoid that kind of thing.

[wildmelon]

hey lush how r u? soo i know you’ve spoken b4 abt ur favourite interactive fictions but how would you rank the ones you’ve read 1-5?

i’m a bigbig wayhaven girl but i’m also currently on chp7 of a tale of crowns (which i’m liking so far), and i LOVED project hadea and other wips like chop shop+infamous,, i also have mind blind on my wait list (i started a while back but couldn’t get into it) as well as when twilight strikes…

no pressure to answer i just need to speak on it😓

hiiiiii tysm for asking! been way too long since i geeked out about IF... ooof a top 5 is soooo hard. im gonna leave out wayhaven bc DUH we all love wayhaven but it'd probably take the #2 spot.

a tale of crowns is my all time favorite. i'm completely obsesed with the worldbuilding, the mc, and XELEF AHHHHH (who r u romancing ???)

shepherds of haven is SO dear to me. the world is just so expansive and alive and it's so thorough, it has such RPG vibes. particular blade & chase simp :D

throne of ashes changed my brain chemistry tbh... ruben's route is the only complete one currently but im completely head over heels in love with him. i love how it deals with trauma and healing. & the bonus content from the author's patreon lives in my head rent free.

the exile should be studied bc the impact it's had on me relative to the number of chapters it has so far... love love love the angst, familial drama, and mc backstory. nikke slut <3

the soul stone war is one of the earliest i read and it just makes me feel warm and cozy, i just love the romance and friendships and it'll always be a comfort IF for me.

honorable mentions to mind blind, the bastard of camelot, superstition, & fallen hero <3

i'd love to know your top 5 too!!!! i used to be a lot more tuned in to the WIP scene than i currently am, so i haven't played project hadea or chop shop & it's been a while since i played when twilight strikes but i rly enjoyed it, infamous is obv AMAZING as well. mind blind will likely be published in full soon, give it another try then if u want!! i kinda did it dirty here but it really does live rent-free in my head, my faves are very affected by nostalgia :,)

[carronyaflowers]

Thank you for the tag @linewire

1. Who or what got you into F1?

Seeing f1 trend on tumblr every other week got me looking at the tag, then styrian gp 2021 happened and watched the tag go crazy as this leclerc guy went through the grid. Then my dad and brother told me to watch dts with them.

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

Charles fan first from the very first day. Because i'll tell you when i saw him in dts, i *died* THAT WAS THE LECLERC GUY IN THE RED CAR?? and even now he's still the one

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

Listing my current top 5: Charles, Max, Yuki, Oscar, Lance

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

Lestappen because i love generational talents who are thrust into greatness with nicknames like predestined and inevitable

Yukierre has a special place in my heart tho

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

My dad supports the underdogs so 2021 he supported max, 2022 he supported checo then for 2023 alonso

My brother is a mclaren/lando girlie (gn)

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

Monza 2019 will always make me cry, Silverstone 2022 was so fucking great but also pain, and Baku 2018 will always stand out to me because drama and p6 for rookie charles

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

Monza is for the dreamers and i am a dreamer so do the math. For real tho, there's just something so romantic about that track. I love Baku too for castle reasons.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

Haven't yet, races are too far and I don't have that kind of money yet (it's all going to concerts).

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

No

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

Ooh i love love seeing the 1950s cars because they're just so different to the ones we have today and they're just classically beautiful.

For a specific answer tho, She (F1-75 when she was a cokehead)

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

Estie and Pierre are so special to me and they're celebrations after their wins was !!! . Like este's hug with nando (so funny bc estenando) aand pierre atop monza confetti raining on him and there was no crowd (it did things to my heart).

For one (sprint) win wonder, Oscah <3

For one (wdc) win wonder, KIMI RAIKKONEN I LOVE YOU

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

"Sometimes you love the sport, it just don't love you back" - lance stroll

"Monaco i love you and hopefully one day you will love me back" - charles leclerc

I'm a fan of unrequited love it seems

Tagging @f1-giuki @dreamingamongthestars @blueballsracing if y'all haven't done it yet!! (no pressure tho)

[mojaves]

tagged by @bnbc @katsigian and @silverpixelcloud to do this THANK YOU!! <3 i love not shutting up

rules:

👻 post 5 facts about your oc

👻 go into the recent section of the #cyberpunk 2077 tag and rb some posts. and be nice. [i will do that when i am not afraid of people. dont worry about it. hold me at gun point if you must]

👻 tag people to keep the game going

who else would i talk about other than this fruit of a man.

1. he grew up as part of the valentinos, with his father taking him out on jobs at a very early age, which wasn't a very good idea - but he was the eldest child, and his father figured that getting him involved in gang business early would've been for the best. seb hated it, but was also thankful for it in a way, because it at least meant he could keep his younger siblings safe from as much harm as possible

2. he 'left' [see: got kicked out of] his family at 19, when he decided he didn't want to live the gang life forever, and wanted to work for a corp in order to get more money for his family. they [1000% just his father actually] shunned him pretty much immediately, and he was left to live alone on the streets for 2 years. he handled himself pretty well, using the skills he learned over the years to con people out of money and get by relatively unscathed.

3. i could go into sooo much more detail with all of that but then we'd all be here forever so basically; steals money from someone at arasaka, she is like whoa lol, gets him working at arasaka as an assistant, eventually becomes something of a bodyguard/intimidation device for people who worked there. they get married [not good], and then she cheats on him [with their boss [also not good]]

4. he understandably got angry bc of that, and when he threatened to quit, his boss beat the shit out of him and left him for dead in an alleyway, which is where his cyberjaw/neck cyberware comes from. the attack also left him with a prosthetic leg. if he was just some guy who left, none of that would've happened. but unfortunately he was a very important asset bc they were experimenting on him - drugs and other fun things that greatly improved his combat skills, and made him more useful. and if any of that info got out, everyone involved would've been greatly fucked over basically. and because they'd kind of fucked up by making him highly dangerous, the only option was to kill him. but that didn't go very well and now here we are 👍 i said i wasnt going to ramble but. anyway

5. and then from all of that, he slowly got back on his feet and became the leader of a small gang who mostly deals with fucking over corpos for people whos lives have been ruined by them - sometimes also helping corpos get revenge on each other, mostly bc it's always petty drama, it's funny, And they get a lot of money out of it. they also do security stuff on the side. because of their reputation amongst corpos, seb is often the target of assassination attempts, and always gets out of it unscathed. but he is currently being hunted down by a VERY stubborn merc who is the first guy in many years who has ever come close to killing him, so life is finally getting exciting for him again (^:< ehehehe

BONUS FACT HE HAS A CAT CALLED FRANKIE STROMBOLI

i. do not know when to shut up sorry <3 i need everyone to know everything about him. i do not know how to be concise. <3 not my problem now

ANYWAY i will tag uuhhhhhhhh. who has cyberpunk ocs. @aartyom @nuclearstorms get over here right now and yell about your guys. it said 5 people but i dont know 5 people. anyone who follows me and has cyberpunk ocs feel free to join in teehee. hii

[tavina-writes]

Intro?

Hi! I'm Tav! (known to some of you more commonly as Leaf). Also for clarity, I've been Tav for the past ten years, so I was here first or something. I'm a part time plant on the internet, who is currently doing a PhD in Plant Biology. My educational training is in the agricultural sciences so I occasionally reblog stuff about that as well. The agricultural training is why I'm a plant btw. My plantsona is a Golden Barrel Cactus bc I Commit To The Bit. If you ask me how I can type on the internet I will tell you its magic!

I occasionally write fic on ao3 here and mostly reblog whatever I come across that's grabbed my attention. You can find what I'm writing/working on by checking out my writing which should be relatively up to date.

I also do multifandom exchange which is really cool! Feel free to send asks re: multifandom exchange related stuff!

Right now my fandom of interest is CQL/MDZS. This is a Nie Brothers stan blog which is probably how most of you (who don't know me from other places already) found me? I think? If that's not the case WELCOME. Here we love and support NHS (blorbo) and NMJ (Da-ge).

Edit: as of about 6/5/24, loch posting without end due to the imminent drop for Legend of Heroes

HOWEVER while I don't always Naruto on main, I am a plant who has been writing Naruto fic for like, 6+ years now so occasionally there's Naruto on main. That's how it is here.

A list of relevant tags that I keep for blog organization:

art by friends - when I originally started reblogging art to this blog ages ago, this was mostly populated by reblogging the art of friends, which is why my general art tag is now "art by friends" even if I don't know the artist bc it FEELS WEIRD to have a "art by friends" and "art by strangers I don't know on the internet"

writer memes - where I keep my collection of pain inducing memes about writers that I relate to. Other writer related stuff can be found in: writer stuff, writer woes, or fandom stuff.

laugh rule - not necessarily memes, just stuff I laughed at that I can be counted on to have a good time looking at again.

tav watches cdrama - my running list of gifsets/cdrama rambling from dramas that I have watched/am currently watching!

meta and my meta will have related things that are meta that I either want to engage with or that I wrote. Some of it probably doesn't actively belong in meta but it became too serious a shitpost for me to like, not put it there.

I will occasionally reblog hanfu under a variety of tags! Your best bet is probably to search my blog for hanfu, women's hanfu, hanfu accessories, or aesthetics to find photographs of people posing in GREAT clothing. Aesthetics also includes photosets of cool places that I like.

I have a large running list of relationship tags that are simply too numerous to keep a list of so I won't edit this post to include them bc it's too hard sorry.

[wyrddogs]

Hi there! I was wondering if you could share some dachsund insights with me if you have time/ energy. I have been thinking about getting one as my next dog bc I have a dobe currently who I love but I want something a bit easier next time but that is still spunky and quirky! My biggest question is um is it possible to raise a non-reactive dachsund??? Or like train them to be pretty good on walks? I have heard a lot of stuff about them being naturally irreversibly reactive but i wonder if that is just from people who dont really work with their pups?? Idk. I am just wondering if with training you can teach them to behave and relax around triggering things? Can you get lucky sometimes and just get a dachsund that is naturally pretty easy going?

Hi there! Please excuse any formatting/spelling errors; I’m writing this on my phone since my computer is STILL being repaired.

As with a lot of breeds, lineage is really important. You’ll want to do your research and ask breeders about their dogs’ temperament. Some will be producing more reactive dogs than others.

With that being said, the vast majority of dachshund people (I include Dachshund People, as in hardcore breed enthusiasts, in this) do not train their dogs. At all. A lot of people don’t even housetrain, which drives me insane. So if you hear people saying that dachshunds cannot be trained out of reactivity, they probably also believe dachshunds cannot be housetrained. Which is untrue.

Basically every trainer I’ve worked with has told me that they hated dachshunds until they met Kermit. The breed has a bad rap because like a lot of small dogs, they tend to be untrained. And since they are hound/terriers, they express all their drive by causing trouble. (Sometimes this is incredibly endearing! Sometimes it is not.)

Bindi, my shepherd mix, is reactive. So I spent ten years learning how to handle her. I took a lot of classes, including one specifically for reactive dogs. You can absolutely do that with your dachshund, if you need to.

Kermit is much more stable in temperament than Bindi is, but he’s also a dick. If I let him be reactive, he would be. But I never let him develop that way so I don’t consider him reactive. He does not take shit, but he doesn’t fly off the handle over things like Bindi does, and he recovers from stress much faster. He is a resource guarder, which Bindi also is, so that needs management, but I don’t consider that difficult. He has relatives that are much more easy going than he is. His cobreeder and I joke that he’s a drama queen. XD

Dachshunds are definitely big dogs in small packages. Training your dachs the same way you train your dobe would be the way to go. They can absolutely do anything a big dog does, which is what I find so appealing about them.

This is an incredibly delightful breed whether you are looking for a companion, sport prospect, or hunting partner.

I hope that answered your question! Feel free to hit me up if you have more. :)

[judeharoldvich]

My (correct and good) review/rating of To Paradise (2022)

WASHINGTON SQUARE 5/5

Absolutely fave story of the three. David Bingham I is an insufferable little bitch and i LOVE HIM TO DEATH. Spokesperson of cluster b girlies everywhere. Hanya KNEW what she was doing here. The entire lore of the Free States is so fascinating and, as someone who hates period dramas? This book had me HOOKEDDDD. Edward and David's affair was DELICIOUSLY drama filled and i felt so much for Charles. Also the reveal about David's 'confinements' was SO PERFECT and EXCELLENT recontextualised the entire story.

LIPO-WAO-NEHELE

4/5

Second fave. Unsurprising as I love late-20th-century stories. David Bingham ii was kind of boring (good for him!!!) but I was happy to see him with Charles after Washington Square, even if it's kind of an imbalanced relationship. The second half though? SO Gripping. I love a cult story and that is effectively what it is: the indoctrination of Wika Bingham into Edward Bishop II's cult of a false paradise, which (while rooted in earnest belief, unlike what we are led to believe about Edward Bishop I) was so perfectly conveyed in terms of the slow (relatively unintentional) manipulation. I approached this lowkey hoping the stories would be interconnected, but it seems from this one that they aren't. Nevertheless, thoroughly enjoyed.

ZONE EIGHT

3/5

Ngl. was dreading this one. I LOVE a dystopia but I was kind of wary of going into hardcore genre fiction when the previous two books are really more literary (although book i I suppose is sort of a period drama). Also bc it was SO long? but despite the score i DID acc really get into it and loved it. Only a 3 bc like... ngl I was underwhelmed by the ending? with the other two it felt perfectly tragic and cliffhangery but with this one it fell kinda flat. nevertheless I LOVED the mystery of who would be named what which was a game I'd been playing since the beginning of Book II when I realised what Hanya was doing (yes i had a full on freak out about that lmao)

i am so so sleepy but finishing the book was SO worth it

[mirahuyooo]

Memento Mei | knj

Memento Mei | Recordatio — Soulmate! AU

—   Remembering, to you, meant carrying a great deal of sorrows, but in spite of it all, you will do what you have long sworn to do—never forget.

Word Count: 10,168 (woAH ik) Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader Content/s: FLUFF, drAMa, ANGST, romance, pining, slow burn?? joon is one patient man OwO, flower language, NAMJOONING with NAMJOON h i m s e l f, NAMJOON IS A SWEETHEART, mrs (L/N) ships you two on hARD MODE, past lives both cute and tragic lol, historical inaccuracies with the past lives bc i may like history but my braincells were fizzing out, Soulmate AU, Reincarnation AU

[masterlist] | Part of the [Recordatio Series]

A/N: hi hello this is me channeling my grief of not being able to make it to the concert 😭😭😭 (to those of you who did i hope you guys have fun aND GIVE THE BOYS L O T S OF LOVE YALL 💞💕💞💕💗 ) this certainly took longer than expected but AyEeEE I L O V E this oneee bc I, too, am a slut for dramatics, soulmates, and the flower language ;((( This one got A LOT longer than anticipated too like AAAA and I know the implications of the synopsis and moodboard have made this a little predictable but shHHHHH enjoy reaDING THIS!!!

As the morning breeze blew against his wool coat, Namjoon clutched the bouquet tighter in his hold. Occupied by interviews, practices, and deadlines, it had been months since he had managed to have a chance to visit his past incarnation’s grave at the cemetery. The last flowers must be wilting away by now, he thinks to himself, looking at the fresh ones in his hand. Hope these last longer.

The idol then adjusts the mask on his face to further secure himself from being discovered. Many have raised their brows at the news of his self-established practice, and he’s sure the press would have a field day if they were to find him walking around a quaint cemetery. 

It was an odd custom to follow, that’s true—a lot wouldn’t really go on to seek out their past lives that much—but it had been one he decided to keep a few years back, especially since the circumstances allowed him to do so. It was for old time’s sake, after all, and with his tendency to not remember the entirety of the myriad lives he had lived, the sentiments couldn’t be helped.

His feet began to lead him naturally to where he had discovered his grave to be—a cobblestone settled somewhere a little further in. In the midst of his walk, Namjoon recalls the words written onto the slab. 

Ahn Jungnam 1951 - 1994 Beloved teacher, father & husband

His last life was a bland plaster wall compared to the vibrant graffiti that is his current lifetime. He had been a humble college professor then, who worked hard to provide for a family he dearly loved. The most excitement he would’ve gotten out of the week was having to entertain his son on a free day. His life was simple and peaceful, though he had lost a battle against cancer in his later years.

That very touch of serenity calms him sometimes, makes him feel ordinary for even just a fleeting second.  

Soon, however, the tall man’s steps slowed to a halt as he caught sight of a young woman from afar. She was clad in a tan trench coat, kneeling in front of the very grave he frequented. The cogs in his head began turning as he lost sense of reality whilst thinking to himself.

Is she the one who’s been leaving the other bouquets since last month?

It was most likely so, Namjoon decided. Judging by the flowers the young woman has with her now, Namjoon concluded that it’s the same flowers that he came across before. It’s always the same bouquet of red and purple flowers—different from the white roses that he would occasionally see rotting amidst the grass and stone slab.

But who is she then? Is she my past life’s granddaughter?

His brows furrowed, however, when he remembered the birth of his grandchild, just a few months shy from his previous death. No, that can’t be. I had a grandson. She can’t possibly be a distant relative. No one else really visits his grave as diligently as he does.

As Namjoon whips up a storm of questions in his head, his heart starts racing. His palms began sweating. It only got worse as he noticed the woman pack her things and stand up to leave.

All too suddenly, it felt like the world was on a timer, and his mind was reeling at the thought of the consequences he has yet to know but still dreads nonetheless. Something within him was clawing, begging to know who on Earth this woman was.

Namjoon could hardly believe the way he was reacting. This was getting ridiculous. He hasn’t felt these kinds of nerves since—

Letting his instincts take their reign upon him, his heart continued to hammer against the confines of his rib cages. He got closer and closer, letting his feet lead him towards the woman sitting all by herself at the corner of the diner.

He watched as her eyes skimmed over the dishes that the menu offered. She’s beautiful, he thought to himself, but is she who I think she is?

He had to make sure—he had to.

“Excuse me?” he began, “Miss?”

The tone that accompanied his words was pathetic as they left his lips. Instinctively, he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose—a nervous tick his peers would often poke fun at. His bread cheeks soon set ablaze at the realization of his current appearance. 

Still, as embarrassed as he was, the young woman looked up at him, a soft smile pulling at her soft pink lips. He watched as the recognition sparks in her eyes and the excitement seizes her face.

Air was knocked out of his lungs as she lunged towards him, wrapping her arms tightly around him. Butterflies erupt within him as he feels her nuzzle into his neck.  

“You remembered.”

Namjoon’s eyes widen at the memory triggered by his anxious constitution, a soft gasp falling from his lips at the indication of who this woman might be.

What if she’s who I think she is? What if she’s my soulmate?

The chances may be slim, but it can’t be fully impossible. After all, his instincts have almost always been exceptionally good.

Alas, it appears that he’s been too occupied with his thoughts. The distance between them grows, Namjoon realizes—albeit a little bit too late. Without thinking twice, he wills his feet to pick up the pace once more, not paying mind to the bouquet of roses in his hands that was slowly falling apart from his recklessly hasty movements.

Though he didn’t want to make a scene, a part of him wanted to scream from the top of his lungs. Damn it. He’s been waiting for this ever since he got his first trigger back in middle school. Come on, Kim Namjoon. Hurry up, and put those long legs to use.

With his inside voice cheering him on, Namjoon manages to catch the woman by the street. Alas, she had already crossed the other side of the road. All too sudden, he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. “Excuse me!” he exclaimed, raising an arm to wave over at her. “Miss!”

A few heads turned from his commotion—fortunately, so did hers.

At that moment, the world was put on a pause, as all else seemed to cease to exist. The drumming in his heart was unmistakably familiar. His instincts have yet to fail him once more.

Even with half of his face covered with a black face mask, his heart swelled as he caught sight of the spark in her eyes—one he knew to be recognition. He watched as her eyes blurred with tears, realizing not too long after that his were doing the same.

He knew with her (e/c) eyes that he was home. This is it. It is her.

The smile that seizes his face beneath the mask was a torture for his cheeks, but his dimples remained present—too overjoyed to be bothered. His eyes had turned into crescents that pushed a few tears to slide down the sides of his face.

She breaks their eye contact to look around her, on both sides of the road, and at the streetlights that count a few seconds down. Taking the chance, she raced against the ticking clock, quickly crossing the road back towards him.

All these years, he’s been stuck with memories of lifetimes he can’t return to.

All these years, he’s waited anxiously to cross paths with his soulmate again.

All these years, she’s finally here.

In the corner of his eyes, Namjoon catches sight of a motorcycle in a hurry, speeding through the otherwise barely occupied street. His eyes widened, his body launching forward as he tried to stop her in her tracks.

“Wait!”

Outcries erupted from the crowd around him, as the collision happened before them. The man driving the motorcycle—a mere delivery boy—skids to a stop, panic setting into his eyes at the sight of the person he just hit. “Oh my God…” he gasped in horror, getting off to check on her. “Ma’am, are you okay?!”

Namjoon rushes towards the woman who, just seconds ago, he realized to be his soulmate, pushing past the crowd gathering. She lies on the pavement, unmoving with eyes slowly blinking as if her entire being was still processing what just happened. Blood was pooling beneath her, and he was unsure where it was coming from.

“Hey, hey,” he softly coos as he kneels beside her, careful not to move her body and worsen any injury by accident. Pulling his mask down, he tries to give a smile, but it’s shaky and betrays any strong upfront he was trying to show. “Don’t close your eyes, darling,” he tells her, “please.”

The woman stares at him, taking him in, but she gives no response. Somewhere, he hears someone calling for an ambulance, and it sends some sort of relief through him. “You hear that?” he urges her to hold on. “Help is coming, so stay awake, hm?”

She manages to crack a small smile, her hand inching closer to hold his. “You…” she tries to speak, but it comes out frail. A tear falls down the corner of her eyes.

Namjoon gently intertwines his fingers with hers as he uses his other hand to wipe at his tears. His heart hammers against his chest as he sees her losing grip on her consciousness. “Shh, don’t speak,” Namjoon hushes her, “don’t waste your energy, okay?”

Still, the woman persists, giving his hand a weak squeeze. Her eyes held so much that she wanted to say, but the two of them knew that time and fate’s grace upon them was uncertain. With the last of her strength, her words came to him in soft relief.

“You remembered…”

Namjoon gapes as her (e/c) eyes fall to a close. “No, no, no,” he utters under his breath, trying to look around for a sign of the ambulance. “Please, please!” he pleads, inching to shake her into waking up, but he knew that would do more harm than good. He collapses on the arm that held her hand, praying for a miracle to any god out there who would listen—even when he doesn’t worship one in the first place.

“Please, wake up.”

All these years, and she slips past his fingertips yet again.

Blooms of red and purple were nestled gently on her lap, the same way it cradled his head on one side. “They’re beautiful,” her voice softly declares, smiling down at her lap both at him and the flowers he stole from some garden on his way to meet her.

“Very,” he grins cheekily in a way that showed the dimples she loved to poke at, though he wasn’t necessarily thinking about the flowers and she knew that well enough to playfully roll her eyes at him.

She looked onto the beach before them, the sea breeze blowing her hair back as the amusement park in the distance continued to be idle background music.

“I love you.”

She couldn’t avoid the gasp that left her lips at the moment of his sudden confession. There on her lap, he pressed a kiss against the palm that rested against his cheek. “Forever.”

“I’d hope so,” she giggles, “I’m your soulmate after all.”

He smiles at that, and so does she. Ah yes, what a fortunate life this is for them to have met so easily and early and have more time to grow old together.

Her fingertips traced the slope of his nose, tapping the point of it at the end before she gave him a smile so full of love and affection.

“I love you, too,” she tells him, “forever.”

Eyes fluttering open, you immediately take note of the ringing in your head. It’s the very blank and static state of it that sends your chest heaving. Your vision blurred as your eyes stings, later wetting your cheeks.

You were crying. Why am I crying?

Looking around you, the bland, white walls of the room didn’t make you feel better at all—especially upon realizing you were hooked to a machine. A hospital—you were at a hospital.

“You’re awake.”

A man you hadn’t noticed before was staring at your figure in disbelief. That incredulous look turns into relief in an instant, as a smile spreads across his face and reveals a set of dimples that stirred something in you.

“You’re awake,” he repeats it, more to himself as he inches closer to your bed. He almost laughs at the news of it, as if he had hardly expected this day to come. Immediately, he flags down a nurse by the door and urges a doctor to come quickly.

You could only look at this man, head whirring to try and gauge him. Though his presence was like warmth on a cold winter’s day, the seasons suddenly turned scorching as you were reminded of your initial panic. The ringing in your head, the unfamiliar environment, and the heavy feeling in your chest for something you’re not entirely knowledgeable of.

“Who are you?”

The moment such words left your lips, you saw the fast flurry of emotions flashing across his eyes—emotions you couldn’t quite process well, but the overall falter to his posture was enough to tell you that what you said had gotten rid of any good in the moment.

It takes a while, but the man composes himself, taking a step back as he rubs the back of his neck like it’d relieve him of the awkward tension. “I’m…” he clears his throat before giving you a small smile, “I’m Kim Namjoon.”

It was then that the doctor came in, followed closely by a nurse or two. “Good morning, miss,” the doctor asks, adjusting his glasses as he gives you an amicable smile. “Do you remember your name? Do you know where you are?”

“I’m…” you began, but the cogs in your head were taking their time. The minutes it took you to respond was concerning to say the least. “(Y/N),” you eventually say, “I’m (Y/N) (L/N)… I’m in a… hospital…”

The rest of the questions go by like a blur in your head. In the end, you were told you were unconscious for about three months, and that, judging by your responses, you were likely suffering from retrograde amnesia after the accident. You could recall basic and old memories—your name, your family’s name, where you grew up, where you graduated—but your head was blank at the aspect of recent events.  

You still have so many questions you want to ask—not to the doctors, but to the Kim Namjoon who was there the moment you woke up. You have no recollection of him before, so he must be someone you knew just recently. 

Finding it difficult to tear your eyes away from his figure, you find yourself in an absent-minded trance. He was tall—really tall. You may just have to strain your neck a little to look up at him if you were to stand.

“(Y/N)? You alright?”

The deep voice that came out of his lips was a gentle rumble that somehow soothed you but sent little shivers down your spine—pleasant shivers, you think. Alas, your reverie ended when you came to a realization that he was talking to you. “Sorry,” you blink slowly, realizing that he was now just a few feet away from your hospital bed. “I… I was just thinking of something.” 

Namjoon nods, thoughtfully. “Do you...” he mulls over his words, “do you have any questions for me? I’d be glad to answer them for you.” 

You fiddled with the fabric of the blanket on your fingertips. You needed more details, you decided. “Wh—” you stammer, “what happened? Tell me more about what happened.”

A bitter smile, you notice, comes across his face. “You got hit by a delivery boy on your way to cross the street,” he tells you as he moves to a nearby table that was home to miscellaneous things—bags, snacks, and flowers among other things. “I was the one that admitted you to the hospital,” he tells you plainly, handing over a bag to you. “This is yours.”

The leather material shakes in your hands, your strength still not fully back in your system. 

“Your mother’s here, by the way,” Namjoon then tells you, catching you by surprise. “I told her about the incident. She flew here to watch over you while I’m away.”

Though glad to hear your mother was here, the last part of his words piqued your interest. If he had your mother flown here so she could take care of you while he was away, then does that mean he’s come by more than once?

“Who are you to me?” you find yourself asking that aloud. Was he a friend? A colleague? A lover?

You fluster at the thought of the last option, but soon see that Namjoon seems to be red as well. “Well…” he purses his lips, thinking of what to say. “I’m your—”

Just then, the door bursts open. A familiar woman frantically comes through, going first to Namjoon. “Where’s (Y/N)?” she asks him, “I heard she’s awake?”

He must’ve been in the way of her seeing you already awake. Before Namjoon could answer, you spoke up, voice still a bit raspy. “Mom?” you meekly call out. “I’m right here.”

Your mother immediately rushes to your side. You feel her urge to pull you in an embrace, but your current state doesn't allow her to recklessly do so. “Oh, thank goodness,” she sighs in relief as she clings onto your hand. “You’re okay.”

Your mother’s concern ends up being a catalyst to the emotions you’ve been bottling up. "I'm sorry," you ended up saying, voice quivering as you held back tears. 

Both Namjoon and your mother furrow their eyebrows together. It was your mother, who was nearest to you, that reached forth to caress your cheeks in comfort. "Nonsense, honey," your mother softly chastises. "What on earth do you have to say sorry for?"

She was right. You didn’t intend for any of this to happen at all, but your thoughts have already come to a conclusion about your burdens. "It must've been a bother to hear about the accident," you say, looking at the white sheets on your lap. "The bill, too," you suddenly gasp, "how much is it?"

Your mother shakes her head. "Don't worry about those things, honey," she tells you, "Namjoon's been helping me deal with that."

At the mention of his name, Namjoon, who had been occupied for a moment with something on his phone, looked up in confusion. "Mom said you've been a great help with my hospitalization," you give him a grateful smile, "Thank you."

A slight flush of red stretched across his cheeks and ears as he held back the beginnings of a shy grin at your words. "It's no problem, at all," he gently says, “I’m glad to be of help.”

There was a flutter in your heart that you pushed away, chalking it up to gratitude over the acts of a kind stranger. It was then you noticed the frequent flashing of his phone, something you could tell he deliberately tries to ignore. "Do you have somewhere else to be?" you softly ask, catching him off guard.

It takes Namjoon a while but he nods in embarrassment. “Is it important?” you stare at the device throwing up a tantrum. You wonder what it is that’s demanding his time from you so much. Was it his job? Was it his friends? Was it a significant other?

Somehow, that last part hurts to think of.

He nods again. You didn’t understand why he’s so hesitant to leave when he’s needed somewhere else. Did it have to do with what you two are? 

Alas, you didn’t have time to unpack all of that now. “It’s fine,” you assure him, “I’d hate to hold you back.” 

The man before you looked so torn that you, yourself, felt a bit downcast. "Alright..." he sighs in defeat, hesitantly taking the baseball cap and mask by the table, and securing it on his head. "I'm so sorry to leave so soon."

"It's alright, Namjoon," your mother smiles. "Take care."

Namjoon gives a polite bow and smiles. Distracted by his dimples, you only offer a meek wave with your hand. "I'll visit as soon as I can," he tells you. "Get well soon."

Numbly, you nod as something in you stirs.  Something in you feels at ease with his presence. Something in you feels fuzzy seeing his smile. Something in you hates to see him go—but not knowing what exactly makes you feel these things has forced you to keep your mouth shut. 

Not a moment later the door closes, your mysterious knight in shining armor gone. 

It was an absolute torture, really, to have be stuck for the next month in the dull walls of your hospital room doing recovery. On the bright side, it was nice to hear from your doctor that you were progressing quite nicely. You were still missing bits and pieces, of course, but it was something you couldn't force your brain to just up and do. 

That aside, it was the promise of getting out of the hospital that really pulled you through the gruelling hours you spent there. It was the curiosity, you suppose, of seeing the world you once knew and experiencing it again. 

There was also a certain boy that you found yourself looking forward to. Kim Namjoon would visit every week if he could, and he would bring with him food that actually tastes good (don't tell the hospital cafeteria that), some board games, red and purple flowers, or other things that made your stay a little worthwhile. He even came around bringing his friends around—Jimin and Taehyung, if your brain didn't fail to remind you clearly—and it was the most intense game of UNO you've ever had the chance to remember. 

If your mom had to take a break or go back to your apartment for something, Namjoon would be more than glad to watch over you. He already spends hours with his visits as is. The two of you would talk about anything, watch any movie on the television, or listen to his music. 

It was another thing that caught you off guard actually. 

Kim Namjoon is an idol. 

You had heard of his vibrant life nearly a week into your waking up. Still in the hospital bed, the two of you were sitting together as you waited for your mother to come back from your apartment. He had been reading a book, whilst you were idly flipping through the television channels. 

A music show came on and you swore one of the men looked like him. Styled to the nines and ready for the spotlight, he looked good—really, really good. 

“Is that you, Namjoon?” you had instantly asked him, pointing to the television. Never had you seen him so flustered before, but Namjoon managed to explain himself.

It was true. He is an idol—the leader of Bangtan Sonyeondan, an international KPop sensation, a man so sought after by millions of people around the world. 

It was hard to wrap your head around. To think that the man before you, the one who had been so diligently visiting you, was a celebrity. The constant ringing of his phone, the long intervals between his visits, and his fussing over a mask and a cap suddenly made so much sense. 

There were things you’ve managed to piece together from the weeks after your discharge from the hospital. It was thanks to your kind landlady and neighbors that you found out you were living in South Korea for about five years now. You had a decent job and a decent apartment. You seemed to have a decent life for yourself too.

There was still something missing though, but you still couldn’t put your finger on it. A large void in your heart that gapes at you, aching to be satiated with whatever it was that was taken from it on that fateful accident. 

In spite of that little mishap, however, you fell into a routine quite easily. Even if there were fragments in your memories missing, you still managed to wake up on time, go to work, come home to your mom, and spend time with her after finishing any other possible duties at hand. Those were what your weekdays consisted of, but on weekends? Weekends were for—

Knock, knock, knock. 

“Namjoon, good morning,” you hear your mom’s cheerful voice greet him by the door.

“Good morning, ma’am.” You could almost see that dimpley smile on his face.

A smile, too, blossoms on your face before you knew it. As usual, Namjoon was here on time. 

You take a frantic lookover of yourself at the mirror on your wall. Your outfit was simple enough—knit sweater over a midi dress and a trusty satchel to keep your things—but you worried somehow that it might not be a good match for whatever it is that was planned for today.

Exiting your room, you look up to see a familiar large man waving at you by the hallway with his other hand poorly hiding something behind his back. “Hello,” you greet him with a smile, “did you eat breakfast yet?” 

Namjoon sheepishly shakes his head as he hands you a small bouquet of red and purple flowers. They were a custom at this point, Namjoon having been so used to bringing you such flowers during his hospital visits that he had come to bring you them to every outing as well. "Didn't have enough time to," he then tells you as he slightly trails behind you to the kitchen where you took a big glass and filled it with water for a makeshift vase. The grin on his face persists as he sees you set the vase next to the ones that held the flowers he had brought you two weeks ago. 

A hum leaves your lips. "Guess that makes two of us," you say, awkwardly fiddling with the sleeves of your sweater. 

“You two can grab a bite on the way then,” your mother suddenly swings into the kitchen, laying down a coat onto your shoulders as she presses a kiss on your cheeks. 

Her actions startle you. “But, mo—”

“I’m going to the spa, sweetie,” your mother declares as she excitedly ushers you and Namjoon out the door. “You two have fun!”

As the usual black car that served as your ride together on days like this came to a stop, Namjoon slides the door open for you and you murmur a shy thanks. “Thanks again,” you thank the man on the steering wheel as well, Namjoon grinning along with you as you both earned yourselves a little wave back from the driver.

The driver starts the car again to look for a parking spot, leaving you alone with Namjoon. It was then you prompted the question in your head. “Where are we going this time?” you ask him, head tilting to the side. 

Namjoon gestures to a building nearby. It was relatively big and the people walking around were sparse, giving it a more calm and private aura. “A museum,” he simply tells you this with a grin so contagious that your own lips couldn't help but beam back at him.

These were what you easily found yourself looking forward to in the weeks since you had been discharged from the hospital. Today would be Namjoon's third effort on taking you around Seoul—to refresh your memories, he had said, and to hang out together, too. Namjoon took you biking along Han River on the first time, bought the both of you some bungeo-ppang while watching the sun set on your little break. Then, he took you to an aquarium two weeks ago, too, dragging you around to point excitedly and gawk together at any cute sea critter he saw. 

Such moments like these were precious, not only because you were spending time with him, or because you were getting more and more familiar with the city, but because you knew for a fact that time for Namjoon was precious and yet he chose to spend it with you. 

You couldn’t understand how on Earth you managed to cross paths with a celebrity before your accident, or what exactly made you so special that a celebrity like him would find the time to fit you in his busy, busy schedule, but either way, you understood that your time together was a chance for Namjoon to take a break from his famous persona.  

“Your mom was awfully excited for spa day, wasn’t she?” Namjoon chuckles as the two of you walk along the street towards the museum.

This effectively knocks you out from your reverie. “To be fair, she’s always been interested in trying those sorts of things out,” you then shrug with a grin, as you check your phone for the time and the weather. “I think she thinks of you as a babysitter at this point.”

Namjoon, being the gentleman he is, only grins. You could swear you can imagine those dimples under his mask. “It’s alright,” he tells you, “I don’t mind at all.” 

All of a sudden, the idol comes to a sharp halt, making you look at him in confusion. He doesn’t answer—he doesn’t even look you in the eyes. Instead, his fingers suddenly weave together with yours. 

Naturally, his actions shock you to the point of having a blush spreading across your cheeks. You look onwards, and it suddenly clicks. Before you was a traffic light directing cars through the street that separated you two from the museum itself.

The accident.

Bits of it were still blurry in your head—all you knew, really, was that it hurt. Namjoon, on the other hand, was the one that must’ve seen the accident first hand, and the one that looked out for you in the hospital first in the place of your mother. 

You return your gaze to Namjoon, giving his hand a small squeeze in assurance. He finally glances your way, embarrassment written across his eyes, but you both do nothing to take your hands apart as the two of you crossed the road. 

His concern warms your heart and envelops you in an air so safe and sound. Kim Namjoon is clearly a blessing in your life—a literal angel from the heavens sent down to grace you with his presence. Whatever fate stitched your paths together, you were grateful for it. 

You did notice something, however. No matter how much you can chalk it up to him just being a nice guy, there were signs that resonated from him—signs that told you he may be caring for you just a little bit more than friends do. Fond smiles, lingering touches, constant hanging out, pretty flowers—no one, as far as you could tell, has ever given you this many flowers.  

You didn't want to assume, but you didn't want to go on like this either—not when you may or may not be hoping for a little bit of something. 

Eventually, you get the courage to ask him some time inside the museum. “Namjoon?” you hushly call out, unsure of whether or not you should keep your distance or take a step closer.

He takes his gaze away from the modern masterpiece on the wall, naturally taking a step closer to give his full attention to you. “Yeah?”

With the way he ended your own inner argument, your mind buffers for a moment at the good ruler-length distance between you both. You tear your gaze away, the damned chicken in you coming out at the last minute. You could feel Namjoon looking down at you in concern, but stood patiently still for your words. 

“Who are you to me?” you ask, voice so soft and feeble that the nerves were dreadfully obvious. A part of you mentally gives you a slap and a push to get all of this over with. “You…” you clear your throat, “You never really answered my question.. back then… at the hospital...”

To be honest with yourself, a part of you hoped that those flowers, those visits, those little touches meant something more. There was no shame in liking a man like Namjoon. He's a gentle giant with so much talent, love, and wisdom to give. Who wouldn't crush hard for the likes of him?

Oh wow. It feels weird to come to terms with your feelings—that giddy but antsy feeling in your belly, that rapid heart beating, that frantic buzzing of your head as all it could ever think now is him. It's a resounding conclusion, a childish need to start squealing overtaking your senses. 

Him. Him. Him.

I have a crush on him.

Before you, however, Namjoon stiffens. “Oh,” he says. 

And that one sound was somehow enough to blow a crack onto your heart. Fuck. Your eyes go wide in panic and distress. Did I complicate things? Did I make him uncomfortable?

“It’s fine!” you rushed to ease his discomfort. “You don’t have to answer me! Forget I said anythi—”

Namjoon’s eyes meet with yours, the indecipherable state of them stealing the words from your mouth and rendering you anticipating his. “You’re...” he began, searching for his choice of words. “You’re someone I really cherish in life.”

You nod softly, both endeared and disappointed to hear such words from his mouth. You wanted something specific—be it the words you wanted to hear or the words that could’ve broken your heart. Whether it was the "I like you" that would've made you the happiest woman alive or the "You're like a friend/sister to me" that would've shattered your daydream and give you a slap back to reality, "You're someone I really cherish in life" was a sentence that tiptoed on a line between two drastic territories. 

Namjoon settled for something a little vague.

Does he cherish you as a woman romantically or platonically?

Does he want to start calling these things dates too? 

Does he want to keep walking along with your hands intertwined too? 

Something—was it the desperate hopeless romantic in you?—told you that he was holding back. With the way his jaw was clenched, you came to think he’s frustrated with something—clearly something he’s not ready to talk about yet, so you do your best to move on. “That’s great,” you say, nonetheless, a bittersweet smile on your lips. “You’re someone I cherish, too.”

Someone I really hold dear to my heart.

It must've been obvious—your disdain—else, Namjoon wouldn't have spoke again to ease the awkward tension in the air. 

"We haven't known each other for that long before the incident," he tells you, rubbing at the back of his neck, "but you really have become someone I hold dear to my heart."

Then and there, your heart skips a beat. 

Something chaotic arose in you, a little devil that crawled from the very depths of your mind to wreak havoc with the new realized crush you had on the man beside you. There was barely friendship to ruin then if you two hadn't known each other for that long. 

Well, aside from the bond you've made together in the months you've been awake. 

Still, with this fresh news he told you, he made it sound like you two were too much strangers to have been anything. 

"It isn't that hard to like you."

Namjoon's head almost snaps to look at you. Your own hand almost snaps to slap it over your wretched mouth. The two of you could only gawk at each other. 

"What did you say?" a flabbergasted Namjoon asks you. 

A groan leaves you for a moment, you wanting—begging—the ground to just swallow you whole. Alas, all you could do is suck it up and be a big girl. "What I meant by that is," you cleared your throat, "it's a shame we weren't already well-acquainted before the accident. I think we could've been more than friends."

Namjoon gawks at you still. 

You take a deep breath. "I like you, Joon," you confess, the exhale you make seemingly taking the weight off your heart too. "I know it's too sudden, but I think I see you as someone more than just a friend."

The big oaf is still processing. "You… do?"

A laugh manages to escape you, finding amusement in his shock. "Yes," you say earnestly, feeling a bit more confident with your confession. "You're kind, handsome, and just a really awesome person," you tell him, "I meant it when I said you're someone I cherish."

His dimples resurface, and you are yet again helpless. Namjoon's eyes were soft yet twinkling as he gazed into yours. "I meant it to."

Two weeks passed by since that fateful day at the museum, and Namjoon was yet again occupied with his duties. It was fine of course—who were you to demand things from him?—but what didn’t sit right with you was how things were still a bit vague between you two. 

He acknowledged your crush. He even seemed to like it, too. Alas, in the midst of your giddy victory over not being outright rejected, you forgot to ask him for a clear answer too. 

Did he like you too?

You grow antsy by the minute, thoughts plaguing your overthinking brain to the point of a slight headache.

Fuck it.

You take a leap of faith—not caring if it was recklessly foolish of you—and grab your phone to type out the beginnings of your grand scheme to fully woo Kim Namjoon yourself. The words your fingers bring to life start off casual enough. 

Simple and easy enough to get out of, it only took you a few minutes of debating and overthinking to press that send button. 

It took three (painful) hours to get a reply, the sound of a notification springing you up from your dilapidated state on your bed. 

Your heart almost drops at the subtle rejection, but it doesn't hurt that much. Just a little bit. With a sigh, you type out your response, glad to know he’s somewhat available enough now that you’ve heard from him. 

A part of you fussed if what you sent was too cringey or awkwardly put, but his next words made you forget such thoughts in an instant.

You waited a couple more minutes, but nothing followed. Was that it? No worries, I will?

Another text interrupts the awful ache that just started to bubble within you, replacing it instead with confusion.

Ding dong

You hear the faint ring of the doorbell from your room, making you freeze. You glance at the words on your phone, then at the door where you could hear the distant voice of your mother answering the door. Not a moment later...

“(Y/N)!” she called out. “You have a delivery!”

As if they could bulge out, your eyes widened even further as you pocket your phone and slipped off your bed—pajamas, bed head, and all. Your feet took you to the kitchen where you heard your mother go about.  

There at the table were familiar flowers in red and purple, and just by looking at it, a sense of giddiness washes over you. You gently take them in your hand as the other fishes for your phone in the pocket of your hoodie. 

The smile on your face made your cheeks hurt.

Alas, there can only be so much good things you could have for a day.

“Are those from Namjoon?” your mother peeks from the kitchen, a warm smile stretching across her face as she resorts to leaning against the wall to look over at you.

Instinctively, you take a small whiff of the bouquet in hand as you tuck your phone away. “Yeah,” you absentmindedly reply with a ghost of a smile unknowingly making it to your face, almost forgetting about the fact that you were fretting over him in the first place.

You were oblivious to your mother’s pleased reaction. “What a sweetheart,” she muses, approaching you to take a closer look at the flowers. She rests both of her callous hands on each of your shoulders, giving them a light squeeze of excitement. “I’m so glad he’s your soulmate, sweetie,” she gushes, “he’s quite the keeper.”

At such words, you froze, heart skipping a beat. All this time, you had only thought Namjoon to be a friend you were having an awful crush on—but a soulmate?

Right, the soulmate system. How could you have forgotten to put soulmates into the whole equation of this?

“I’m sorry,” you breathlessly gawked, “did you just say soulmate?”

It seems like the soulmate system still works for the likes of Namjoon, whom Fate has robbed his soulmate of their memories from time long passed. 

No words could ever truly define how beyond ecstatic Namjoon is to hear such words from her. (Y/N) (L/N), his soulmate and other half for the rest of eternity and end of time, likes him. Even without remembering him as her soulmate, she likes him. It wasn't love just yet, but Namjoon was in no rush—not when everything was starting to fall back into place. 

Still, it begs a question in his head; will it be alright to try now?

Namjoon stares at the unconscious state of his soulmate, insides knotting together in an entangled mess of nerves and fury. He had just gotten off a discussion with the young delivery boy, the poor lad a sniffling mess as he was interrogated by Namjoon, his soulmate’s mother, and a lawyer. Mrs. (L/N) decided not to put up any charges, pitying the poor boy. 

“Thank you, Namjoon,” the woman told him, voice soft and hoarse, dripping with fatigue from both the travel and the grief.

Namjoon bows, a bit jittery—he was meeting his potential mother-in-law, after all. “It’s nothing, ma’am,” he shyly says, “I just wanted to make sure (Y/N) gets treated as best as possible.”

This notion causes Mrs. (L/N) to raise a brow. She hasn’t heard of a ‘Namjoon’ from her daughter before.“Does my daughter know you, Namjoon?”

Namjoon froze for a moment, but opted for honesty—not that he would’ve had the chance of being a believable liar when he’s this much of a wreck at the moment. “Uh...” he mulls his words over, “a little, ma’am.” 

Seeing confusion, he explains the situation further. “We met just a few minutes before the accident,” he tells her, breath shaking at the memory of the wave, the street, the crash, and the blood. His tears almost flooded his eyes again. “I’m her,” he shakily sighs with a bittersweet smile, “soulmate.”

Mrs. (L/N) was shocked for a moment, but soon enough an understanding flashed before her eyes.  She nods softly, staring at her daughter again with a fond smile. (Y/N) had been born with a lot of her past life memories intact, often crying about them.

Knowing that her daughter could've been happy with her soulmate already, but this happened instead, made (M/N) quite teary. Still, she was glad her daughter had a reliable soulmate. “Thank you for taking care of her in that short moment then,” she smiled, truly grateful.  

Infamous dimples proudly resurface on Namjoon’s cheeks, in spite of the shy demeanor in his smile. “She’s my soulmate, ma’am,” he said, “I’ll be taking care of her for the rest of my life, if fate allows me to.”

Namjoon's heart hammered against his chest as he recalled that moment at the hospital. 

Take care of (Y/N). Such were the words that he had pinned atop his many, many thoughts.

Alas, each day, it was getting harder and harder to keep himself in line—keep the longing and aching part of him locked away somewhere. He worries, thinks, and worries some more. 

Even if she liked him, it doesn't necessarily make it clear if he should court her now or wait for her triggers to start setting in. He wouldn't want to make the risk of an explosive trigger higher with a romantic relationship and end up putting her in pain. No. He will never let her get hurt. Never again. 

Take care of (Y/N)—he would often remind himself. Worry about her first before your feelings, Namjoon. You can do this.

A familiar ringtone rips through the air, pulling Namjoon from his internal debate. The contact on his phone read out the very name engraved in his head and his heart almost jumped out. 

He was just thinking of her. 

Not having it in him to distance himself more than he already has, Namjoon slides his finger across his phone. "Hello, (Y/N)?" he says, clearing his throat. A part of him worries that his poor choice of words in their chat earlier may have come across wrong in some way, or if she had som—

"We need to talk."

There was a shake in her voice. It didn’t sound furious—it didn’t sound like anything. It was numb almost, and that alone was enough to stop Namjoon’s world for a moment. “About what? Did something happen?” he immediately asks, a storm of worry brewing within him.  

Alas, he looks at his desk before him, littered with papers and work all over as a product of his reckless pursuit to keep his mind off of her. “I’m sorry, I can’t leave right now but if ther—”

A heavy breath puts an end to his words. “Namjoon, please,” you plea, emotions of all sorts drowning two simple words. It hurts to hear his name fall from your lips that way. 

Namjoon gets up, easily admitting defeat as he leaves his studio. “Alright. Wait for me.”

There can only be so much good things you could have for a day. 

Namjoon is your soulmate.

“Oh dear, I thought he told you already,” was what your mother had said after her little slip up. “With all the little dates you two have been to, I thought you would’ve known by now, sweetie.”

The news shook you to your core and you were elated and distraught all the same. You didn’t have a trigger. You didn’t have any prior memories. You were just left with a statement. 

Namjoon is your soulmate.

It was something that felt so right to hear, but with barely anything else to back it up, there was still doubt in your heart. 

Is that why he was hesitant? 

Why did he tell me in the first place? 

Was it bad?

Hell, you didn't even think to add soulmates to your grand scheme of wooing Kim Namjoon. How could the entire soulmate system slip past your mind in the past few months you've been awake?!

Namjoon is your soulmate.

You need to hear it from Namjoon yourself—hear if it’s true that the universe meant for you to be together, hear why he chose to hide that fact from you. 

And so, here you were at Han River waiting for him. 

“(Y/N)?”

Your heart stops to hear your name from an all too familiar voice. You couldn’t find it in you to turn around just yet, wanting nothing more than to put this all into pause. You weren’t a fan of confrontation—not after your miserable attempt in the museum. 

Footsteps approach you, and you know just who it is. You didn’t have to look up either. The feet that set its place before you and the bench you sat in were familiar shoes, yet all they served to be was a backdrop for the flowers presented to you.  

“You just sent me flowers an hour ago,” you manage to find your voice in a hushed whisper, a part of you wanting to laugh but your harried thoughts wouldn’t let you. It took a lot to look up at him—at the man who you first met in a hospital, at the man who held your heart, at the man who was apparently your soulmate all along.

Namjoon flusters before you, almost putting the small bunch in his hands away. Knowing his shortcoming, however, he remains with his hand outstretched. “You sounded upset,” he says, pulling his mask down to talk with you properly. “I thought they might make you feel better.”

Managing a small smile, you glance down at the flowers of red and purple he presents to you. As you gently took the bouquet from his hands, you couldn’t ignore the ringing in your head that seemed to be screaming out to you. 

“(Y/N)?” you faintly hear Namjoon’s voice call out to you in concern. There was a secure grip that held you up by the arms as you staggered a bit. 

You try to come back to reality. You try—but your senses wane. 

Alas, in spite of your best efforts, you were plunged into cold waters, unable to hear anything. Your breath hitched as the pinch in your heart began to escalate. In the confines of your own mind, you were frantically clawing your way out of the abyss—desperate to reach the surface and find out the truth.

Come on, (Y/N). Remember.

“Welcome to Purple Blooms, how may I help you?”

A warm smile made it to your face as you entered the premises of your local flower shop. You took notice that the attendant by the desk isn’t the usual blonde that manned the shop, but you greeted her nonetheless. “Hi,” you said with a slight bow, “I’m (Y/N) (L/N). I ordered a bouquet of—” 

“Red carnations and statices?” she piped, after your name seemed to ring a bell in her head. When you had replied with a nod, she disappeared to the staff room of the shop to retrieve your order.

Biding your time, you looked around to take in your surroundings, in spite of being so accustomed to the small shop in all of your months here. The scent of flowers in the air was prominent, but what really made you giddy was the amount of meaning these beauties possessed.

You knew quite a handful of the flower language—courtesy of your past lives’ fascination with them. To you, there was always an element of creative passion in the flowers and the message they convey could do wonders.

“Miss?”

Turning back to the attendant, you gave her a grateful smile as you handed her the money in exchange for the bouquet in her hands. “I had fun arranging this one,” she tells you, smiling brightly. “It was one of my first bouquets.”

Your eyebrows shot up in interest as you cradled the bouquet closer to you, taking a whiff of the flowers. “Really?” you mused, “You did a good job then. Thank you.”

“Any time, ma’am,” she beams, “Come again!”

As you exited the quaint shop, you waved the woman goodbye and went on your way to the cemetery—as you usually do with the bouquets. You gazed down on the red and purple hues in your hand, feeling the wistfully warm sensation in your heart.

You knew just what these flowers meant to you and your soulmate.

The utter joy in the air was easily contagious, the sun shining over the field only serving to amplify the vibrant aura of the moment. Before you stood your bestest friend in a raggedy shirt, loose pants, and wild hair askew in all sorts of directions. “For you, my lady,” she declared in a feign manly tone, revealing the flowers from behind him with a wide grin and a silly bow that makes you giggle as you do a similarly exaggerated bow. 

“Thank you, good sir,” you beam back, happily taking the small bunch she had likely stolen from Mrs. Hopkins’ garden. The flowers were pretty shades of purple and red—a gesture you didn’t quite understand as a twelve year old girl.

There were a lot of things you didn’t understand as a twelve year old, actually. Why your best friend’s roguish and carefree attitude was so frowned upon, why the boys in town had to be so cruel, why she had to be sent away. 

You would, however, in your later years, find the flowers to be a combination of red carnations and statices that, thanks to the book of flower language you came across in a library, respectively meant sincere love and remembrance. 

It is through this you saw flashes of the same flowers being given between two people. It is through this you had your very first trigger. 

There in that old house of a childhood long passed, tears fell upon the withered petals pressed and preserved in between the pages of your old favorite book. The truth dawned on you, leaving you helpless to do anything now that you had a husband and children to look after. 

Your soulmate and your best friend, one in the same. Your soulmate, a woman you haven’t seen in two decades, haven’t heard of since she was forced to board that ship to the new world with her older brother.

You cry—cry for the love you never had the chance to have with your other half in this lifetime, cry for what could’ve been but didn’t. 

In the next life, you vow. I’ll remember and love you more.

You remember now. 

That was the first lifetime in which neither of you remembered anything. So close yet so far, an almost that plagued that past incarnate of yours till the end of her life. 

It was funny, you thought. You were crying just as hard as this when your memories started coming to you when you were around ten. Your parents couldn’t understand the hysterics you were in, and nearly had to rush you to the hospital. This was the bitter and awful side of the soulmate system that the world had to become accustomed to. 

It became a catalyst for you maturing at such a young age—to know of customs and moments long gone, to have the knowledge of centuries return to you in days, to become suddenly so aware and so daunted of the fact that you were part of the soulmate system. 

You remember where your most recent incarnate had lived with her soulmate—Korea. It had been a quiet life, one you hoped you’d have in this life too. You supposed it was because of this that you were so drawn to go to South Korea too, causing you to study hard in order to convince your parents to go on a holiday trip around there.

You remember being fifteen and wanting to visit their graves for nostalgia’s sake on that very trip, laying down that bouquet of red carnations and statices over the cobblestone with tears and a bittersweet smile. 

You remember the pitiful gazes your mom would give you as she could only watch you at a distance, knowing she can’t do much with your past lives other than to support your current self. 

You remember deciding to just live in Korea all together as soon as you graduated, applying into multiple companies until you got accepted by your current employer—constantly going through places you’ve been to while making new adventures to tell, too.

You remember that day.

You remember going to the flower shop you frequent, remember smiling at the new employee who handed you the bouquet. 

You remember going to the cemetery, giving a short message over the grave and a silent prayer to meet your soulmate soon.   

You remember someone calling your name as you left, a man frantically waving at you from the other side of the street. 

Him. In an instant, you knew just who he was—knew just who those kind eyes belonged to. 

Your soulmate. Your other half.

Kim Namjoon. 

The sight of you trembling sent Namjoon’s head in a flurry of emotions. He sat you down, worried with the way your knees were buckling. He waits beside you, rubbing circles onto your back as he watched you stare down at the bouquet in your hands through your tears. 

It was after a long, almost torturous moment that he saw the weak turn you made to face him. Namjoon sees the recognition and struggle shining in your eyes as they flow with tears. “You remembered,” he softly gasps, eyes blurring with tears himself as he realizes this. His heavy heart eases for a moment, but it comes to a shortstop. 

Another wave of tears hit, a sob breaking past your lips as you nod, leaning close. “Oh, baby...” he sighs, heart clenching at the sight of you. Namjoon easily wraps his arms around you—both as a result of his own emotions and an effort to comfort you. 

“I remember,” you breathe, clutching his jacket tighter as you bury your head into his neck further. “I remember...”

Namjoon presses a gentle kiss into your hair. “Yes, you do,” he says as he pulls away and smiles gently at you, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “I’m so happy you do.”

You clumsily rub away at your face in embarrassment of him seeing you like this, hands wet with more tears. “I’m sorry,” you sniffled.

The universe blessed you with a patient gentle giant for a soulmate. Namjoon brushes your hair away from your face, his touch of great effect calming you down from the rollercoaster that your surge of memories gave you. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, jagi,” he hushes you with gentle strokes on the back of your hand. “Cry it out. Deep breaths.”  

Doing as he said, you regain your composure—enough to at least form your words more coherently. “Why didn’t you tell me?” you ask, voice a little hoarse and quiet that Namjoon had trouble understanding at first.

“What?”

The windows to your soul came to meet with his and Namjoon sees the pain swimming in them. “Why didn’t you tell me you were my soulmate?” you say, a little more clearly and a little more hurt. 

There was a guilty expression on Namjoon’s face and he shamefully looked away for a moment, but he takes a deep breath to man himself up. “I didn’t want to lay it on you so suddenly. You woke up barely knowing anything, after all.” he admitted, looking down at both of your hands. “ I thought, what if I suddenly cause a trigger? Wouldn’t it make things worse for her? I didn’t want that to happen.”

Alright, so he had a point, but— “I would’ve wanted to know that sooner, Joon,” you tell him, still upset having spent weeks pining for him, only to find out he’s been pining after you too but didn’t say anything about it.

“I know,” Namjoon sighs, looking at the sky to keep any more of his tears at bay. “I suppose I got scared of hurting you or seeing you in pain. I saw you get hit by a motorcycle,” he told you, “on the day I first saw you in this lifetime, I saw you get hit.”

The tremble on his voice easily elicits your own tears to come back. Namjoon sees this and gently shakes his head, a silent message for you to not waste any more tears. He presses a soft kiss onto your forehead before resting his own against it. 

Your eyes flutter to a close as you revel in his presence. “I’m sorry for hurting you even though I said I didn’t want to,” you hear him murmur, making a breathless chuckle leave your lips.

“It was pretty rude of you to do,” you jokingly muse, and Namjoon drops his head onto your shoulder with a groan, embarrassed of himself. 

The idol in your embrace savors the moment he had in your arms. “I know, I know...” he murmured, “I’m a terrible soulmate.”

Pulling away, you squish his face in your hands. “But you’re a great guy,” you coo at him, “and I still really, really like you.”

His dimples make their appearance, making you grin back at him. “Really?” he asks, eyes shining at the implication of your forgiveness.

You nod, cheeks hurt from all the giddy, happy feels. “Really.”

“I really, really like you, too,” he muses, the both of you chuckling. Elated, Namjoon leaned forwards and brought his lips onto your forehead yet again. “You won’t ever be in pain again,” he swore to you, “not if I can help it.”

As a smile blossoms in your lips, you close your eyes and lean forth, melting into his arms. Everything in your heart has fallen into place. 

It was alright now.

You remember. Both of you do.

It was now time to officially start anew in this lifetime, make new memories, and then some. 

[lesbian-helen-gansey]

books I read in June & July

This is late because I’ve been on a self-imposed social media hiatus for the past few weeks! I’m technically still not back, I just got on to post this. My weeks being semi-offline have been relatively uneventful. I have watched pretty much every Netflix documentary I’m even remotely interested in and have regressed to listening to the podcasts I used to listen to in high school. I’ve completed a few sudokus and gotten stuck and quit a ton of sudokus. I’ve mostly been using my concerta to play mahjong tiles on my laptop with a laser focus. Staying off all social media entirely has so far been the only effective way of preventing me from doom scrolling, and it seems (at least from my daily listen of NPR up first) that there remains of plethora of things to doom scroll about, so I am going to try to wait a little longer before returning. The enchanting lure of Tumblr does call me tho. To quote John Milton "God therefore left him free, set before him a provoking object, ever almost in his eyes; herein consisted his merit, herein the right of his reward, the praise of his abstinence. Wherefore did he create passions within us, pleasures round about us, but that these rightly tempered are the very ingredients of virtue?”

The Harbor by Katrine Engberg (4/5)

This is a crime novel that takes place in Copenhagen about detectives searching for a missing child. I think that it’s actually the third book in a series about this team of police officers, but it made sense as a stand alone having not read the others. It was pretty slow, and hard to get into, but I did end up really liking it. It was hard to get into it, but once I was in it, I was really in it. I read a lot of thrillers, and I find many of them to be sort of absurd in an attempt to be clever. I concede that it’s hard to think of an ending that is both surprising and satisfying, but I still think many of the current authors don’t do a particularly good job with the task. This one, however, built to a really interesting ending. It was both well-foreshadowed and sufficiently surprising.  I think I just dislike how a lot of thrillers and crime dramas build to something that is an almost absurdly dramatic climax in an attempt to, I don’t know, shock the reader or raise the stakes, and I really appreciated that this wasn’t that. I’ll probably read the others in the series. (adult fiction)

Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino (5/5)

I liked this a surprising amount. I’ve grown sort of jaded with the personal essay scene, so I was a little skeptical about how much I would like a book of essays from a New Yorker writer, but I have really liked the Jia Tolentino essays I’ve read online, so I decided to read it, and I loved it. I find it difficult to find thoughtful, and nuanced essays about feminism, but these essays were really interesting. The kind of essays that are willing to hold a lot of things in their hands and aren’t interested in driving home some argument but rather examining thoughts. “Always be Optimizing” is one of my favorite essays from the book, and it just has such interesting thoughts about the influence of capitalism on feminism. I found Tolentino to be really self-aware and begrudgingly lovable. Almost against my wishes, I left this book really loving Jia Tolentino. (Before reading this, I had found her instagram incredibly annoying bc I am a judgmental person, but now I’m entirely endeared. Too bad I’m not on instagram anymore to see her photos.) (creative nonfiction)

Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu (5/5)

This book is like, gay gay. I thought people were calling this book “lesbian vampires” like it had gay subtext 21st century readers were reading into. But no. Gay for real. Gayer than gay romances published today. Gonna have portions of it as the selected readings for my wedding one day. They probably won’t let me get married in a church if I do, but worth it. If you can’t get enough of Lucy and Mina in your inbox, this is for you. (adult fiction)

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown (4/5)

Brene Brown Stans rise. This book basically defines and categorizes a bunch of emotions to help us better understand what we’re feeling, which Brown says helps us process our experiences. This wasn’t a favorite of mine by her, mostly because it’s a little more of a reference book, but I still ended up with a bunch of hastily typed notes in my notes app of things I need to remember from it. (nonfiction)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (5/5)

This book is so fucking good. You have to read this book. I think it’s probably best to go into it with as little info as possible. It’s hard to describe without giving away things that make it exciting. When my best friend recommended it to me, she described it as if Madeline Miller wrote a psychological thriller. She all but forced my other friend and I to read it, and subsequently all three of us have been evangelizing about it. We’ve all but started some sort of mlm of our own personal downlines spreading the word about Piraniesi. I’m currently making my therapist read it. This book made me say “holy shit” and “oh my god” out loud as I was reading. (adult fiction)

How to do Nothing by Jenny Odell (3/5)

This was a little too conceptual and philosophical for me. But the author does love birds as much as I do, which I loved. (Also I recently discovered that there are apps that basically let you Shazam bird calls. This is one of the greatest discoveries of my life. I’ll never be bored again. I’ll be outside shazaming the Sparrow songs.) The book is basically about pushing back against the capitalistic urge to always be productive and instead to really engage in the world around you, which I have, subsequently, been trying to do more of. I’ve been spending a lot more time than usual almost moved to tears by how many different shades of green trees are. One of my favorite things is when the leaves blow in the wind, and you can see the undersides have a whiter color, and the contrast between the tops and bottoms of the leaves blowing looks so dynamic. (nonfiction)

Nice Girls by Catherine Dang (3/5)

Speaking of thrillers with over the top endings. I was actually pretty into this book until the end. I think I had to stop and roll my eyes more than once during the climax. It seemed like it was building to something interesting, and then, at the big reveal, the author took like, the least interesting route, which was disappointing. I don’t know, it was fine. I don’t know why I keep reading like, the women’s thriller genre when I always feel meh about them. (adult fiction) 

Peril at End House by Agatha Christie (4/5)

Not my very favorite Christie, but I still liked it. I did find it a little difficult to keep up with who all the characters were, but that’s par for the course for me with Christie lol. I wish I had more to say about it, but I really don’t. Poirot meets a young women who has had several attempts on her life, and he interjects himself to try to save her. Maybe one day Poirot will go on vacation without getting mixed up in a murder, the poor guy. He can’t go anywhere. (adult fiction)

Feminism is For Everybody by bell hooks (5/5)

Everything about feminism that I read from bell hooks I’m just like, yes. Fucking yes. She gets it. I think (hope) everyone is finally realizing the extent to which the modern feminist movement is slightly spineless and had been eaten away at by capitalism, and this book is like, back to basics. It’s time to end lifestyle feminism. (nonfiction)

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie (5/5)

I loved this one. A man is murdered in his study and a local doctor helps Poirot, who recently moved to the town, solve the mystery. Super clever, couldn’t put it down. I don’t ever expect that I’m going to solve Christie’s mysteries, but I felt truly had by this one, in the best way possible. She got me good. (adult fiction)

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (5/5)

Honesty, Pride and Prejudice is a page turner. Having seen the movie a lot combined with Austen’s writing style, I knew I would like it, but I didn’t expect to like, can’t-put-it-down-love-it, but I totally did. I could not stop reading it, and the whole time I was like, girl you know Pride and Prejudice how are you on the edge of your seat about this, but it was so good. Austen knows how to write a romance. She perfected the craft in 1813. (It also got me back into the Lizzie Bennet Diaries which is somehow still super fun all these years later). (adult fiction)

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke (3/5)

Told through the lens of her patient’s stories of addiction, a psychiatrist writes about how modern society’s easy access to dopamine is actually making us more unhappy. A lot of the book focuses on how we are able to get high dopamine rewards very easily from things like social media without any of the effort it would usually take to get a dopamine reward, and this is skewing our ability to find happiness in more mundane things. There were definitely parts of this book that I thought were super interesting and important and have encouraged me to spend more time without any sort of distraction and to not be so pain and boredom averse. That being said, the book really lost me in the last half. I feel like it kind of goes off in a different direction that feels less relevant. (nonfiction)

The Woman in the Library by Sulari Gentil (4/5)

A meta-feeling mystery about a writer writing a book about a writer who is in the Boston Public Library when a woman is found dead. She and the group of people she meets while they get wrapped into trying to solve the mystery. I really liked the story within the story and the connection between the fictional author and the mystery. I don’t think it actually meets the definition of a cozy mystery, but it felt more like that than a sort of traditional mystery or thriller. I found the main character slightly annoying, but it didn’t bother me all that much. (adult fiction)

Running with Lions by Julian Winter (3/5)

This was a cute book. It’s a ya romance about two boys on a soccer team who reconnect at their team’s summer practice camp. It was a little young for me, which is why I didn’t love it. If I had read it at like, fifteen I probably would have been a lot more invested in it. It was cute though. I just, don’t really connect with a character worried about graduating high school anymore. It’s a little harder to get into. (ya fiction)

Rush by Lisa Patton (3/5)

This book is about girls and their moms going through sorority rush at the university of Mississippi, which is an incredible concept. Sorority rush is fascinating, and dramatic, and cutthroat. However, this book, especially the second half, stops being about the drama of rush and starts being “white girls discover racism and then decide to fix it.” They do fix, by the end of the book. Don’t worry, the white girls do solve racism. The parts of this book that were about rush were great, the parts that attempted to be about race were just, borderline painful. I think this is probably what would have passed for a “brave” book about race in like, 2011. Except it was written in 2018. (adult fiction)

[normal-thoughts-official]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST IDEA. But may I also propose: Magnus cursed from a young age (probably bc of Asmodeus) that anyone who touches him is hurt by a blast of magic he can't control. (This may result in his mother's death). He locks himself away of his own will. Alec teaches then that it's fear that makes him lash out. Featuring: touch starved Magnus.

this idea is GENIUS actually and i love it. tbh me and my friend have a similar idea that we talk to each other about (lol) but it isn't a B&B thing, its more of an adventure AU. anyway, lets go!

so in this universe i guess magnus banished asmodeus like in the original sh verse but asmodeus cursed him with the "everyone you touch will be in indescribable pain" thing. maybe just as revenge, maybe to try and use it as bargaining chip because okay magnus, is it freedom that u want? u want to be able to have ur own friends and ur own life? fine. get me back, and ill leave u alone, and ull be free to have friends again. if not, ull be still isolated just like before. so is it gonna be win-win, or lose-lose?

but magnus doesn't budge because he knows that if he lets asmodeus free things will only get worse not only for him, but for the whole world. he is too dangerous to be out there. so, magnus resigns to his fate

and i guess in this version he wouldnt have a lot of close friends because he had been with asmodeus his whole life before he was cursed, so he was just. alone in his self-imposed isolation with no one to talk to. maybe he enchants the furniture so they gain sentience but they can't really feel pain, so at least he has someone to talk to. god im so fucking sad already

so is the furniture his friends in canon? im not entirely sure how i feel about that but also the idea of ragnor as that clock from the original movie is great. thats my most important thought on the subject ngl

btw its 4 degrees Celsius in here so im typing with gloves on so ull have to excuse my typos i am a mere brazilian and i want death

anyway okay so i guess his friends are like pieces of furniture that he spelled into sentience and they aren't his servants or anything cuz that's gross but they just like, hang out. wow im actually managing to type pretty well all things considered

so at least magnus has people to talk to but he's still touch starved because you know... a clock can't hug you and that'd just be weird. maybe them becoming sentient was an accident? lmao like magnus just wanted to automate some functions like having the clock talk to tell him the time or something and it turned out that they became sentient. possibly his magic is a little fucky because of the curse so that's why that happened? or maybe he just is way more powerful than he realizes and we all know he invented the spells he used to try and automate the things anyway. but if he gets people to talk to, well, he's not complaining

im focusing too much on this. anyway. id also like to note that im making rapha the cook/stove thing because i mean, come on. it's right there

and ok i guess alec comes into this because he uhhhhhh no u know i might go with that izzy thing. so izzy ran away from home because of maryse's bullshit and alec was sent to bring her back. so he was going after her but in the middle of the path there was the whole wolf attack thing that scared off his horse and LUCKILY magnus' house/tower/whatever was right next!!! so of course they take alec and his horse in but also WHOOPS there's a huge snowstorm that lasts for days (par the course for where magnus lives, actually. he DID want somewhere people would avoid. but also i think maybe his magic being fucky has something to do with it) so i guess alec is stuck at magnus' for the foreseeable future

which is HELL for magnus because he is terrified out of his mind that they will accidentally touch and alec will be hurt. and like.... his Constant Crave For Touch is already bad on a regular day, but having someone who could actually hug him in theory just makes it worse, you know? he hasn't interacted with other human beings in so long, just having one there is enough to make his need for touch almost unbearable and just... completely constant. it's hell

so magnus is scared, which means that he keeps to himself. so he tells alec not to go into his room, he tries not to eat at the same time, and other stuff like that, bUT his friends keep sabotaging his plans because they want him to have another friend, jesus christ!! (rapha being like "come on now magnus, you don't want my soup to get cold, do you? i'll be deeply offended. i guess you have no choice but to eat with alec". so magnus goes but the first thing he does is magic his regular table into a gigantic rectangular table with 41908410 seats and seat on on the side opposite to alec. alec just sighs

so like he's constantly coming across as rude because he is trying to avoid alec, alec just doesn't know why

but alec is also a stubborn bitch who goes stir crazy and refuses to just sit around isolated doing nothing while they wait for the stupid storm to finally be over so he can go get his sister. and magnus saved his life, so it's the least he can do to repay him in some way. besides, this is what, the first time that he's been completely away from his mom? for such a long time too? and he's finding that he feels... weirdly free and just relieved and he doesn't want to waste that opportunity with standing idly around alone all day. he had enough of that at home, thank you very much

besides yeah magnus is being rude but alec is used to straight up assholes and abusers (jace. i'm talking about jace. also maryse ofc but mostly jace) and magnus is not that. in fact he makes very polite conversation and is actually pretty fun during dinner, all things considered. he's just.... super private, i guess

AND magnus' friends are all being a nightmare with the making them interact so you know. they end up interacting. and alec makes it a point to help him take care of his house because it is a certified Depression Lair™. magnus can take care of it magically but it's like... so dark and almost suffocating at times and there is stuff like bad painting and piping problems that he never bothered to fix because it isn't affecting the functionality too much but it DOES makes life harder and alec "everything must be at 100% always" lightwood is not here for it so for a few days they are working on fixing the house and... magnus actually feels a lot better when the place has actual sunlight and looks inviting and like a home, he has to admit. when he says that to alec it might be the first time he's given him a real smile and man, is alec smitten

sidenote i guess this means that magnus doesn't exactly... dress well in this au lmaoo i mean it makes sense too because canonically magnus uses dressing up as a way to convey an image of power and untouchability and he doesn't really need that in this AU since he is completely isolated. so i guess he is a bit more like twi magnus - bare-faced and wearing comfortable clothes and the like. this isn't a twi au i'm just saying that it makes more sense for him to dress like that in that context

anyway. after the whole house fixing thing, they officially become friends. it turns out that alec also knows a bit about what it's like to feel isolated and touch-starved (altho he's always had izzy to help in that department, but still) and also what crappy parents are like. magnus shows alec his little mirror that he's enchanted to be able to show him anything he wants and how he uses it to be able to see all the places in the world he'd like to visit - he loves people, he loves culture, and sometimes it's all he can do to watch what's going on in Mumbai and it makes him feel a little better, so, he does that. he also admits that sometimes he catches on some drama happening and uses the mirror to see the people involved and make sure they are okay. kinda like a soap opera of his own but he has the means to interfere and help because of magic, so he will have someone who's struggling with money suddenly find hidden cash or have an "unknown dead relative" give them a lot of money in their will, or something like that. and if he also watches some of their personal drama that unfolds, well. he is lonely and it's not hurting anyone

but magnus doesn't tell him about the curse, and he still makes sure to keep his distance. it stings a little to alec, but it hurts magnus the most because fuck, maybe he just desperately needs someone who will give him the time of day, but he likes this guy and that only makes it harder to keep his distance. he makes it a point to always be at at least two arms length from alec, which alec thankfully respects and doesn't try to get him to breach, but. shit. it's still so hard to not want to just rest his head on his shoulder or get a hug or even fucking touch pinkies like stupid children and he can't. alec even once jokingly suggests that they have a ball since magnus doesn't know how to dance and magnus is actually excited for a second before he remembers that he can't, it would have to mean that alec touches him, and he can't

someone - maybe ragnor - even suggests that maybe he could try gloves and heavy clothing so alec isn't really touching him but magnus refuses to try because he doesn't want to risk it not working and alec getting hurt, because he'd never forgive himself. besides, getting a taste would only make it hurt more. he can't. he can't

but it's alright because at least he has some human company - he loves his friends, he does, fiercely, but it's different when they kind of have no choice but to be with him and also are enchanted creatures. he doesn't even know if they aren't nice to him just because he enchanted them into life, even tho to be fair if he had a choice ragnor wouldn't be that grouchy - and alec makes him laugh and gets him and helped make his place feel more like home, a little bit. and he can pretend that he feels the warmth from alec's body when they are sitting by the fire and feed these crumbs to his desperate need for touch and company

and then the snowstorm ends and it's time for alec to go

honestly, alec himself is kind of heartbroken, but- he loves his sister, and he can't just leave her alone in god knows where, even if he dreads the thought of coming back home now that he's been away from his family for so long. but magnus doesn't want to keep him, and doesn't want alec to feel pity for him, so he's all but pushing alec out of the door (not literally, of course. he can't do that, it would mean touching him) all "go, go, you never know when another storm might start. go see your sister. take my mirror, you can find her more easy". and alec's all "but it's been the only thing-" and magnus waves him off, of course, all "i can always make myself another one. besides, you'll have something to remember me by. now go"

so.... alec goes

and hooo boy magnus is heartbroken and a mess because even tho he knew how much having someone else there helped he had almost forgotten what it was like to be the only human in the house. he just feels extra lonely and even kind of bad about it because hey, his friends are there - not that they begrudge him for it, of course. it's not like they don't also hope for the chance to get out of the house and do other things, but well. they can't. so they understand him. and they know how awful he's feeling right then, but what can they do?

meanwhile alec finds izzy pretty quickly - she's living with this one insufferable villager named clary that alec absolutely can't stand, but- she's happy. and she doesn't want to come back, which alec expected, but he finds that he can't actually insist for her to come back. how could he, when he himself doesn't want to go?

and izzy insists that he stays with her - there's no reason for him to come back. they can stay in the village, and work, and build a life for themselves. alec is the only thing she's been missing ever since she left, and in here the both of them can actually be happy. and do it together, like they're meant to

and when he first gets into the village is the first time since izzy ran away that he was hugged and fuck, it's hard to say no to her

but also... he misses magnus already

and he doesn't know if he can just stay and leave him behind

and of course izzy is like "who is magnus?" so alec tells her the story, how he was attacked by wolves and rescued by this house that miraculously was in the middle of the single most inhospitable placealec had ever seen in his life. and the kind but wary stranger who always keeps his distance but seems so eager for connection, who made alec feel welcome and laugh and feel like he built a life for himself there

and clary tells him that she's heard of the story, but she never knew it was more than a legend - no one really remembers what happened. some say that magnus made a sacrifice to rid the village of a demon, and it turned him into a beast, forever locked in his castle. some say that he himself is the demon, and it's the tower that's containing him and keeping the village safe. some even say that he died battling the demon, and it's his ghost that keeps watch on the tower

she wants alec to explain which one is true, but it's all alec can say that none of these are right and he knows nothing because magnus never told him. all alec knows is that he doesn't want to leave magnus behind

and clary is like... well, if he's not a demon or a ghost, maybe we could bring him to the village too. he has magic, right? he could bring the tower closer. and maybe the other villagers could, you know, visit him and hang out. and he wouldn't be as lonely, and then alec and izzy could both stay

driven by this failproof plan, they decide to go back to magnus and tell him their great idea

except they are IDIOTS and forget about. you know. the damn wolves

and like holy shit is this pack big or what? like no seriously why are there infinite wolves in that one singular pack in beauty and the beast. like holy shit dude there's more wolves near the beast's house than in the whole yellowstone park

anyway there are Many Wolves and while alec is a good archer, izzy is a fantastic fighter, and clary is Fucking Crazy if you give her something stabby, there's only so many wolves they can take on at the same time

good thing magnus is a pining idiot who did in fact make himself another magic mirror and was watching alec with it. so he knows that the dumbass is in trouble and for the first time in years, he uses the portal (his own invention, and he had never gotten to use it before!) to get to them and fight off the wolves

so magnus saves all their lives, at the cost of getting severely injured and passing the fuck out. izzy, who's the one closest, runs to get to him and help put him on one of their horses... and is immediately hit by a blast of magic that almost makes HER pass tf out too

which is when they finally learn that, oh. that is the curse

izzy is fine, of course - the pain ended as soon as she was away from magnus

but it does pose the problem of How The Fuck Are They Getting Him Back To Safety, because they can't exactly wait for magnus to wake up (it's freezing, for starters) but with this amount of pain it won't be physically possible for them to hoist him up and get him on the horse. shit, will the curse work on the horse?

they bring alec's horse (by far the strongest of them because alec is huge buff mcgee) and try to get him to touch magnus and the spell does NOT work on the horse because in order to be dramatic asmodeus was like "you shall never feel human touch again" when he cast the spell, which accidentally gave a LOOPHOLE for non-human animals. so magnus could have had cats the whole time, which he had always dreamed of, but he didnt want to risk testing. besides, his house would be a poor environment for a cat and [self torture noises]

anyway thats one less problem to deal with, 99 to go, so they use some ropes to hoist magnus on top of the horse and bring him back to the tower (it's closer than the village) so they can tend to his wounds. thankfully, as the assigned Big Brother of a very irresponsible izzy, alec has experience with first aid, altho he never really dealt with anything quite this bad. and magnus' friends help, too, as much as they can. inevitably this means that alec ends up touching him even if by accident sometimes, but he knows what to expect so he Powers Through It because he won't let magnus die, damn. and as horrible as that is alec has experience with powering through pain, so. he's gonna bandage him up god damn it

izzy can't stand to see him dealing with that himself tho, so she helps, and clary ends up helping as well because they figure sharing the pain makes it easier and alec doesn't have to be too hurt. minimal touching accidents for alec! good

*narrator voice* And Then Magnus Wakes Up And Alec Hugs Him

full on launches on top of him and brings him into his arms and Magnus screams like NONONO OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALEC NO GET OFF ME YOU'LL BE HURT and his shock and distress at the whole thing sends another whole blast of magic that explodes that whole mf before it can touch alec and alec feels no pain and magnus is like.............. did i just COUNTER the spell? and everyone's like well! it looks like u did!

which earns him ANOTHER hug (oh my god alec stop he's so stressed out by this) (who knew alec was so touchy?) and this time he's paying attention to that gut reaction and because magnus is a Certified Magic Genius he realizes what it is that he's doing to counter the spell and immediately starts working on a way to turn this into unhexxing himself for good

which he DOES after some time idk how long but alec stays with him meanwhile and maybe izzy and clary do too, because magnus needs all the company he can get and besides, izzy has always wanted adventure and clary has never left the village before, so this is interesting to them at least. and magnus gets to meet new ppl which is nice

eventually the Begone Spell spell is performed and it works and turns out that when it does that it also unfucks magnus' magic and perfects his sentience spell turning all of his friends into humans WOW WHOD HAVE THOUGHT. so all of them are free to leave the tower as ppl at the same time and GROUP HUG!! and magnus cries like a baby in the group hug because holy shit hes been needing something like this so bad for so long and he never expected to have that with his friends but here he is :)

and then yeah they all move to the village to live a simple but fulfilling life and Magnus and Alec start living together in a little cottage and become husbands the end <3 this is so long too rip me

[mallowstep]

What are your opinions on forbidden relationships in Warriors? I've seen people label it as a "trope" because of how common this is. Some find the forbidden romance aspect intriguing, though others find it extremely repetitive and old

I'd like to know your thoughts!

hm. well, it is a trope. i mean, there's an average of one major one a series, right? greysilver, leafcrow (and others, but that's the big one), heatherlion (and implied others), tigerdove, idk i don't remember anything from avos but violetshine luv her but there's probably something, bristleroot. dotc doesn't count bc well it's dotc.

anyway.

definitely a trope.

but that's not a bad thing.

what i think people don't give warriors enough credit for is that these are not all the same forbidden romance. most of them are handled in different ways and bring up different conflicts. i understand why people are tired of them, but let's not discredit one of the only good things in warriors romance: that they make forbidden relationships different.

like, with grey and silver, it's about loyalty and responsibility. leafcrow is just bad idea central, both heatherlion and tigerdove are about responsibilities and young cats, and they have two different answers, and bristleroot is challenging the whole idea from the start.

so like. give credit where credit is due: we're not doing the same (forbidden) relationships again and again. i don't see enough people talk about that.

okay so it turns out i have um. a lot of thoughts about this. idk i just kept writing and now it's over 2k words. so you know. under the cut: matthew does half-baked media analysis to talk about why the code and cats' relationships to it are misunderstood. while actually staying on topic.

anyway from here on i'm just going to say relationship/romance, and understand that i'm generally talking about the forbidden kind. also i'm talking exclusively within the realm of warriors romance, which is, on average, bad. so when i say "X is good," i don't mean "X is good in general," i mean "given what we have, X is good." just to be clear.

right! basically, this is a tool. it creates tension and drama, and that's fine. warriors is a soap opera, remember. soap operas use secrets and relationships and all sorts of plot devices over and over again. warriors is not Serious. it can be dark. it has serious moments. but it is not a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids. it is a soap opera for Future Theatre Kids. yeah?

from that perspective, i'm a-ok with forbidden romance. (also, as a mini-aside, it creates some much-needed genetic diversity when kits are involved.) and again: all of the major relationships are different, so i think that's better than a lot of people give it credit for.

yeah, heatherlion and greysilver and tigerdove are all about the same general idea (loyalty and responsibility), but they all have different circumstances and different resolutions.

so like? yeah. sure. why not?

plus, like, who's reading warriors for the romance? i separate the concept of "romance" from a "relationship" here: i like the relationships in warriors (ivy and dove tension my beloved), but i'm not here to read about tigerheart wooing dovewing. (yes, i do love the tigerdove scenes in oots. no, that's not because i think they're very good at being romantic.)

but i digress.

if warriors was a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids, i'd have a different take here. having been in an IRL forbidden relationship, i have the Personal Insight and Experience to say they're this weird mash of "very much how it feels" and "not at all how it feels."

tigerdove is probably my favourite bc it's the closest to my circumstances, and i think dovewing is a good pov. i like how she breaks up with him because it's a bad idea, but that's not the same thing as not feeling for him.

(heh. twelve-year-old me reading oots like "this will never apply to my life" what did you know)

but to the point, if warriors was serious, i'd point out that the consequences always seem to be internal. we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions. and so on.

but warriors is a soap opera.

and here's my actual thesis: we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions, because "forbidden relationships" are a normal and expected part of clan society.

like no, fandom-at-large, you're kind of missing the point. okay, you know how like. people complain about. idk. ivypool and fernsong being distantly related?

(third aside/very long ivyfern rant, i put a nice big "rant over" after it if you want to skip past it: they're third cousins. they share, max, 2.2% of their genetics. they are fine. do you know your third cousins? do you? yeah. and like. they live in a closed society. there is no one new.

i've never seen someone complain about forbidden romance and ivyfern at the same time, and i do generally agree we should have more mystery fathers, altho for a different reason, but like. idk. this bothers me.

their last shared relative was nutmeg. that's so far back. god. i get it, there was a prophecy saying they're related, but if you remember my rant about how dovewing shouldn't be a part of the prophecy because of how distantly related to firestar is, you know how i feel about that already.

complaining they're related and that's a problem is. deep breath here. it requires demonstrating that warriors has kept track of kinship all the way back to firestar's mother. and even if you wave that requirement, you still have to convince me they would care about that. this isn't a "they're cats, harold" situation, this is a "you would not know your third cousin even if you lived in the same town" situation.

i mean maybe you would. some people do. but my hometown has generations of people who married within its borders. you get as far as "cousin," maybe "second cousin" if you're feeling fancy. i'm not trying to make an always true statement, i just. every time i see someone complain about ivyfern being related, it strikes me as not understanding how extended families work?

i know third cousins isn't technically classified as a distant relative, but you have, on average, 190 third cousins. i feel so strongly about this i looked it up.

like i'm not. okay if you say, "I don't ship ivyfern because they are third cousins and that makes me uncomfortable" you are Valid. in general, you are all valid. i do not think you have to, on a personal level, be okay with ivyfern. you are free to do as you wish.

but. if you want to argue "ivyfern is a Bad Ship because they are third cousins" you have a hell of a burden of proof. simply saying "they share a great-great-grandmother" does not meet that, because like. yeah. we're all pretty damn related.)

(ivyfern rant over)

IVYFERN RANT OVER

right so. anyway. if you remove forbidden romance? you're forcing a lot more of those situations.

i've been messing around with modelling some small-scale fan clan-adjacent stuff to double-check the ratios for wbcd, and it's. it quickly becomes a necessity, is what i'm saying.

but i got distracted like. researching how related third cousins are. my point is not about that, that's like. a different topic. that i crammed into here because i have no self-control.

no, no, what i was trying to get to is: oakheart straight up tells us that cats have half-clan kits all the time, it's not a problem, no one talks about it. and that? that is exactly what we see modelled by warriors.

the only reason greystripe and silverstream have a problem is that silverstream dies and greystripe claims the kits. i feel very strongly that if she had lived, the kits would have been born and raised riverclan kits, that might, maybe, one day, guess who their father is.

we haven't had any half clan kits in a while, which yes! i think is a problem, but like. the fact that the three are medicine cat kits seems to be a bigger issue. which feels right.

and i'm not trying to argue what i think should be, i legitimately believe the text of warriors defends this, even in newer books which throw out a lot of the older world building in favour of more human-like conflict.

as readers, we are naturally following protagonists. we are following the interesting story. but imagine you're just a background riverclan cat. minnowtail, if you will. do you think, do you honestly think, anyone cares about minnowtail?

not in a bad way, just. if she's meeting up with mousewhisker at night, do you think anyone cares? of course not! no one cares. she's not a Protagonist. her kits aren't going to be prophesized about.

heck, finleap switches clans! and it's barely a big deal. it feels like one, but when's the last time anyone bothered dealing with it? that's what i thought.

(also i forgot like all of avos so that very last point might be a bad one if it is my argument stands i just literally do not remember anything in avos but violetshine. none. zero.)

but it's easy to get caught up with characters like hollyleaf and bristlefrost and forget that like. not everyone cares about the code. most of our protagonists do, because it's become mostly equivalent with being moral. and i have an essay draft titled "the code as religion vs the code as law" where i want to expand on this more, but i think like. that idea, that we as readers should use the code as a way of evaluating cats' behaviour, is flawed.

like, i'm not talking about being inconsistent with how that is applied. if you want to say, "the trial leafpool goes through for having half-clan kits is legitimate because of the code," i still think your approach is flawed.

because the cats themselves don't seem to think that way.

the code doesn't, to me, feel like the ten commandments. it does not feel like "you must do this to be a good cat."

rather, it feels like aesop's parables. "here are mistakes cats made and what we do instead of that."

i don't think the cats know the code the way we do. i do not think they memorize a list of rules as kits. i think they know what is and is not part of it, but i imagine they know the stories far more than the rules.

(i'm working on my lore stories to replace code of the clans.)

and even if that's my thoughts, i do think this is supported by the text. no one ever teaches the warrior code, cats just learn it in pieces. "don't waste food because we don't have enough to spare" is taught, not "there's a rule about food and starclan on the code."

that's why the whole arc of the broken code even works: the reason the imposter is able to manipulate things is because cats don't treat the code as a rigid set of rules and commandments, but guiding principles.

the parts of the code that we tend to focus on the most are relationships, apprentices, and battle. or that's my perception. i didn't do a poll to obtain that. there's also the leader's word, but readers don't usually think of that as a good rule, so i'm not including it.

but the parts the cats focus on most are food, territory, and the leader's word. which makes sense: those are basic needs: food, security, and...i don't want to say authority so much as some kind of social system. explaining it would be a whole thing. just trust with me, if you don't mind.

i don't think we have any real reason to believe cats care about half-clan relationships half as much as we do. yes, apprentices are chastized about it, but that's not really the same thing as being punished.

and it's hard to tell, because apprentices being punished has really fallen off, and that's kind of the problem with any argument i try to make about warriors, but.

wow.

i'm actually still on topic? i'm 2k words in and i'm still on topic? a day i never thought would come.

let's wrap this up. cats seem to care about half clan relationships in that: a) they lead to conflicted loyalties, b) they mess with borders and prey, and c) they are in the code as bad. in that order.

and again, if the code was some high and holy religious doctrine, we couldn't have the broken code as an arc. it does not work if the cats are already following it to a t, and know it word for word, because it's signfiicantly harder to manipulate people if they do.

not to the level the imposter does, at the speed he does.

and yes, you could argue that it's more bad writing, but. i think that discredits warriors. yeah, it sure has its fair share of bad writing, but i don't think that's in the way the imposter works. instead, he seizes on a big important doctrine that's nebulous, and uses that to control people.

and that? that feels much more interesting.

so with that in mind, i don't think the cats would care about your typical, non-protagonist forbidden relationship, and i don't think we should, either.

as far as a plot device, i think we're okay with what we have. don't get me wrong, i understand why people are tired of it, but i think we also should remember that warriors is not repeating itself. having multiple forbidden relationships is not repetitive. now, if medicine cats were having half-clan kits every series, i'd make a different argument.

but all of the major forbidden relationships have different outcomes, lessons, and circumstances, and for me, i think that's signficantly interesting.

i didn't really check sources and quotes for this, so like, if you spotted something wrong, feel free to correct me. my overall point stands, but there's a lot of warriors and i have a bad memory, so i could have missed somthing major.

[diyeoracha]

fanfic recommendations

for @kittensocute bc i heard “atsukita” and “iwaoi” in reference to fanfiction and i am There

i took your “i love slow burn or slow build fics... so i like relatively shorter burn fics (20-30k). If its a 10k oneshot slow burn hELL SIGN ME UP” and absolutely ran with it.

i listed my fav iwaoi fics (17) with a longer word count (longest is 80k) that are all mostly either canon compliant or divergent with only two straight up AUs. none of them feature heavy nsfw content and most if not all are tagged as friends to lovers lmao. feel free to read the my thoughts or just go into them blind!! and they’re all in order of how much I absolutely adore them :^)

now atsukita is not a big ship *sobs* but here are some of my favorite fics (7) of them! a lot of them are shorter bc i guess that’s just. what happens when it’s a small ship LOL. 

the formatting in this is fucked if you open it from ur dash but if it’s on my actual blog it should be fine!

Iwaoi

the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle

Word count: 66k

thoughts: my absolute absolute absolute favorite iwaoi fic. the characterization, the fact that oikawa’s a bastard but because he and iwaizumi are older (late 20s i believe), it feels more realistic and sad rather than oikawa being a bitch for the sake of it. spoiler alert it’s slow burn and pining and mostly oikawa not realizing his feelings. this world building is pretty cool bc iwaizumi is the professional player while oikawa is an entomology professor! also i love non-linear narratives bc of This fic. there’s mutual pining in this fic but it’s really really really subtle to the point where you dont even know if oikawa likes iwa. this made me cry like twice.

sunset towns

Word count: 33k

Summary: In the summer of 2020, Oikawa Tooru returns home from his first successful stint as captain of Japan’s national volleyball team. In one hand, he holds the undisputed weight of an Olympic medal, and in the other, his unresolved feelings for a childhood best friend.

thoughts: the tone in this is So similar to the courtship ritual that I liken this as an alternate story even though it’s still oikawa’s pov. professional player oikawa and regular guy iwaizumi and oikawa is just. bumming around at iwaizumi’s place and naturally he messes up but things happen.

told before and told again

word count: 4k

thoughts: i looked through literally all the tags i could’ve thought of for this and nearly cried when i found it agian. outsider POV!!

In damp earth my body

Word count: 15k

Summary: Onscreen, the nation’s favorite setter has arranged himself so that he’s bowing, forehead pressed to the court, like he’s thanking everyone for their kindness thus far, like he’s asking for forgiveness. Hajime thinks: shit, it’s really happening

thoughts: oikawa retires and moves in with iwaizumi and they blur the line between roommates/best friends and being fwb. this is an iwaizumi pov and the pining is obvious on his end. as a iwa stan the tone made me feel weird bc it makes it seem like iwa cares more abt oikawa than he cares abt himself but. its a good fic

i grew up, you grew down

word count: 19k

thoughts: this is also SO funny bc basically oikawa retires and moves in with iwaizumi and becomes his stay at home wife and a bunch of shit happens like people think that oikawa is dating ushijima and oikawa basically loses it every time. here’s one of my favorite quotes:

“Oikawa also bought a new ultra-strength vacuum cleaner he’d decided to name Ushiwaka out of sheer spite, because it sucked all the air right out of the room. Iwa-chan didn’t think the joke was that funny when Tooru told him, which was frankly very hurtful and insensitive.”

Mint

Word count: 19k

thoughts: iwaizumi is moving and oikawa planned a perfect last hangout and it goes to shit featuring matsuhana. oikawa pov where he pines more than iwa which is something i can get behind!! and this was written in 2015 and iwa’s moving bc of a sports medicine program so iwaizumi stans know and love him sm ;;

Almost a Stranger

Word count: 16k

thoughts: same premise as mint LOL except they’re on a trip together and there’s more non-linear narrative!! this one is a little more mature in tone than mint i would say (funny how people just like splitting them up and throwing them in different countries huh)

with every second that you could give

Word count: 9k

Summary: The journey of Iwaizumi and Oikawa going for gold.

Quote: He knows they’re too close. Iwaizumi knows it too, and they both decided to move in together anyway.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates and they’re both obviously and really pine-y for each other and everyone sees it but them. srsly. they’re sleeping in the same bed. like my god

Lost in Translation

Word count: 9k

Summary: Because misfortune come in threes, Iwaizumi Hajime starts his Thursday having a screaming fight with Shittykawa, spends his lunch break listening to the UCI women’s volleyball team gossiping about how Ushijima Wakatoshi had gone public about his longtime love affair with Oikawa Tooru, and closes out the day by drunkenly dropping his phone into a sewer grate.

thoughts: so funny. so sososoosso genuinely funny. the tone is so snappy and iwaizumi honestly just sounds like a confused teenager (which he is in this) and it gets extra points for including a lot of american culture that a lot of the other iwaoi college au ones don’t include for like. obvious reasons lol.

Something Borrowed

Word count: 16k

Summary: In which Oikawa and Iwaizumi have always been a foregone conclusion to everyone else, but a massive, unanswered question to one another.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates thats abo but it’s like. mentioned twice. whiny and possessive oikawa makes an appearance in this but it’s done really well

things that change, things that stay the same

Word count: 8k

Summary: Oikawa realizes he’s in love with his best friend; it sucks for a while. (But only for a little while.)

thoughts: high school getting together!! my second iwaoi fic ever and this one is just. so sweet. just an unsure oikawa realizing iwaizumi might be more than someone he wants as a best friend. this fic is honestly really really lovely.

galaxies, within you

Word count: 21k

Summary: Hajime and Tooru move in together at the start of university. Too bad they’re stuck with the two gremlins that haunt their apartment.

thoughts: ok this fic was so funny. theyre uni roommates and matsuhana just come fuck shit up and they all act like idiots together even though they go to different schools. and this really throws me back to university days.

Thirty Years and Change (the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad)

Word count: 19k

thoughts: pro! oikawa and iwaizumi haven’t been close for a while until oikawa invites iwaizumi to go to the games with him. there’s a lot of frustration and pining and actually talking about feelings (aka iwaizumi losing his mind and getting advice from people like akaashi)

when it starts to rain, they go inside

Word count: 33k

Summary: “Where?” starts Iwaizumi.“ My parent’s old lakehouse, silly, didn’t you hear me the first time?” OR: Oikawa takes Iwaizumi to his lakehouse for two weeks, post-graduation.

thoughts: this was actually my first iwaoi fic which is funny bc the author doesn’t even like oikawa much and i didnt even ship anything in haikyuu before i read this fic and now im in iwaoi hell. oikawa is really frustrating in this in that it’s basically a really good character analysis on how oikawa comes off as a Mean person all the time bc he’s manipulative and there’s some explicit content

shiver

Word count: 16k

Summary: Oikawa was always the brave one. Hajime just followed two paces behind.

thoughts: iwaoi roommates with oikawa admitting his feelings first back when they were in middle school and iwaizumi putting that thought on the backburner until. obviously. things happen.

Desperado

word count: 80k

thoughts: one of my favorite aus. it’s all from kyoutani’s perspective and it’s almost so au that they’re original characters (if that makes sense). basically iwaoi matsuhana are ex-grifters except iwaoi are estranged and daishou somehow brings everyone back together. excellent world building and reading the pov from someone not involved with the iwaoi drama was refreshing

sing with me a song of conquest and fate

word count: 26k

thoughts: a mythical kings au that’s just. so pretty. iwaizumi ends up becoming oikawa’s servant for some reason and the world building is a+ because you can feel the trust and frustration from both of them build

Atsukita

dreams of me and you

word count: 10k (incomplete)

my second atsukita fic that rly sent me down atskt hell ;; what is essentially post-break up when atsumu gets signed to msby and he’s just Pining and sad for the most part. but the established relationship pre-break up was written really nicely because it just fits my hc of them just being domestic and atsumu being blatantly head over heels

take me home

word count: 4k

i read this this morning and it wrecked me. domestic relationship atsukita?? sign me up

No time like the rest of my life

word count: 19k

mythology au with kita as a regular person and rest of inarizaki as fox spirits! it’s cute and the world building is absolutely lovely but it is an au so they might seem ooc but their core character values are still there

wild blue yonder

word count: 6k

literally full of similes and metaphors and it’s more of an abstract read i guess? but it’s so beautiful and soft and this is exactly how i imagine their relationship

reap and sow

word count: 8k

atsumu confesses and kita ignores him and it’s a couple years after the fact and it’s mostly just weirdly domestic almost roommate like except for the fact that atsumu makes it clear he likes kita LOL. they’re really in character for this!

weightless souls

word count: 2k

pillow talk before atsumu’s first game! the atsumu pov and voice is amazing

if we were both alone

word count: 7k

now this was actually my first atskt fic that sent me down this rare pair hell. it’s an explicit chat fic (both tropes i usually try to avoid) but atsumu types like me (except for the nsfw parts alksfjd) so i guess i like. feel appreciation LMAO.

if you do read like any of these fics pls let me know so we can discuss

♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Ariadne and why the Mycenaeans can fuck right off

Warning: Includes brief mentions of r*pe, cultural destruction, ancient patriarchy reminding us why no woman would ever time-travel more than 5 years into the past if that and a great deal of spite for male historians/public education history/mythology classes. 

Possible side effects may include a sudden intense rage for an ancient society equivalent to the innate rage one has for the Romans burning the library of Alexandria, a distinct hatred for ancient men not being able to let anyone have nice things, and a sudden fascination for Minoa. 

Usually, I stick to writing imagines and being happy with that. It’s fun! I love it! But every now and again, in an attempt to escape the crushing forces known as reality and responsibilities I’ll put on a few cutscenes from games I’m: A) Too lazy to play B) Too broke to play C) Too unskilled to play D) All of the above

because cutscenes are free and why torture yourself with impossible levels when its free on Youtube?* *In all seriousness please support video games and video game creators, but no shame to those of us who prefer cutscenes to gameplay.  A few weeks ago I added the game Hades made by Supergiant to the list because the cutscenes were bomb and the characters are so much fun! Intricate as all hell! Hella cute too but that’s unrelated! Now my pretty little simp patootie is especially a big fan of Dionysus and his gorgeous design so the cutscenes with him are my favorite.

I’m re-watching his cutscenes a few nights ago for fun as background when he has a certain line about Theseus. Don’t quote me on this since my memory is foggy at best but roughly it was: Dionysus: Good job with Theseus. Never cared much for him- what he did to that girl was just horrible.*

*I know that’s not his exact line but this is clearly a rant post fueled by spite and ADD-hyper-focused obsessions with ancient civilizations so let’s not worry too too much about the semantics here. 

Now, I like mythology! Personally, I prefer the Norse mythology due to the general lack of very very gross dynamics that several other ancient mythologies seem to include, but I’m decently familiar with Greek mythos. Enough to go - “Why does the God of Wine give a single fuck about the frat bro of Greek heroes being a dick to a woman? Grossness is embedded into the very DNA of all distant relatives of Zeus, a woman being harassed by Zeus or his bastard army is a typical Tuesday in ancient Greece.” 

Wikipedia confirms that Ariadne is the only woman in the story of Theseus and the Minotaur, which I kinda knew already so unless Theseus did some f’ed up shit to some other princess of Minos, Dionysus could only be referring to her. Disregarding what I know about Wikipedia and how it can suck you down the rabbit hole of rabbit holes through sheer fury I stupidly clicked the link to Ariadne’s article. 

By the time we get to the end of this shitstorm, I will have two separate plotlines for two separate stories based of Ariadne, 2k+ notes (and going) on an ancient civilization prior to a week ago I didn’t know existed and within me there will be a rage towards a different ancient civilization I vaguely recall learning about in high school. 

Here’s how this shit went down. 

First of all, apparently after Theseus abandoned Ariadne on an island to die (yep! He did that! To the one person who is the only reason he defeated the minotaur! Fuck this guy.) there are multiple storylines where Dionysus takes a single look at Ariadne and falls in love. 

“A god falls in love?” you say, aware of how most love stories in Greek mythos can be summed up with Unfortunately, Zeus got horny and Hera is a firm believer in victim blaming. “This poor woman is about to go through hell!” I thought so too! And in one variation of the story, Dionysus does his daddy proud by being an absolute tool to Ariadne. In the majority though? He woos the fuck out of her, and ultimately marries her by consent!

Her consent!

In ancient Greece!

The party dude of the Greek pantheon knows more about consent then his father and modern day frat brothers!

Okay! That’s interesting, so I keep reading. 

Ariadne getting hitched to Dionysus is a big deal in Olympus, to the point of getting a crown made of the Aurora Borealis from Aphrodite who is bro-fisting Dionysus, beyond glad she didn’t have to give him the talk about consent. The rest of the gods are pissy especially Hera who doesn’t like Dionysus much since he is the son of Zeus and Semele but they don’t do much. Ariadne ascends to godhood, becomes the goddess of Labyrinths with the snake and bull as her symbol and that’s that on that. 

Colorin, colorado, este cuento se acabado.  And they lived happily ever after. That’s the end of the post right?

NO! Because curiosity has made me their bitch and there’s more to this calling me. 

Also, I was pissed! Still am! Why the fuck-a-doodle-do did I have to learn about the time Poseidon r*ped a priestess instead of the arguably healthiest relationship in the entirety of the pantheon? Why is Persephone and Hades’ story (which has improved since it was first written and I like more modern versions of it, no hate) the only healthy-ish Greek love story I had to learn when Dionysus and Ariadne were right there? The rage of having endured several grade levels of “Zeus got horny and Hera found out” stories in the nightmare of public education led me to keep looking into this. 

There’s this wonderful Youtube channel called Overly Sarcastic Productions that I highly recommend that delves a lot into mythology, and I have seen their bombass video about Dionysus and how his godhood has changed since he was potentially first written in a language we comprehend. 

Did ya’ll know this man is the heir apparent to Zeus? ‘Cause I didn’t know that!

YEA! Dionysus, man of parties, king of hangovers and inducer of madness, is set to inherit the throne of Olympus! Ariadne didn’t husband up the God of Wine, she husbanded up the Prince of Olympus and heir apparent to the throne! Holy shit! No wonder some of the gods were against her marriage to Dionysus - can you imagine the drama of an ex-mortal woman sitting on the Queen’s throne of Olympus? Hera must have been pissed.

BUT WAIT.

There’s more.

The reason we know Dionysus is a very important god and is possibly even more important than we think is because of a handy-dandy language known as Linear B, otherwise known as the language of the Mycenaeans!

For those of you fortunate enough to have normal hobbies and interests, the Mycenaeans were the beta version of the Greeks. Their written language of Linear B is one of, if not the first recorded instance of a written Indo-European language. This language, having been translated, gives us an interesting look at what the Greek gods were like back in their beta-stages before they fixed the coding and released the pantheon. 

Interesting side facts of the Mycenaean Greek gods include:

Poseidon being the head god with an emphasis on his Earthquake aspect, and being much more of a cthonic god in general. 

Take that Zeus, for being so gross. 

The gods in general being more cthonic, as Mycenaeans were obsessed with cthonic gods (probably due to all the earthquakes and natural disasters in Greece and Crete at that time)

Several of the gods and goddesses that we know being listed, alongside some that we don’t consider as important (Dione)

The first mention of Kore, later Persephone, but no Hades because since a lot of gods were cthonic, there would be no need for one, specific cthonic god to represent the majority of death-related rituals.

That’s not what we’re focusing on though! What we’re focusing on is a specific translated portion of Linear B that we have. One of the translated portions of Linear B that for the life of me I can’t find (someone please help me find it and send the link so I can edit this post) says an interesting phrase. “Honey to the gods. Honey to the Mistress of Labyrinths.”

One more time. “Honey to the gods. Honey to the Mistress of Labyrinths.”

Mistress of Labyrinths. 

Now wait a gosh darn minute. Isn’t there a goddess of labyrinths in the Greek mythos? Why yes! Yes there is! Ariadne!

Here’s a question for you. If Ariadne is but a minor god in the pantheon, a wife to a more predominant god, why is it that while all the other gods and goddesses are bunched together in a sentence of praise, the so-called ex-mortal gets a whole-ass sentence to herself singing praises?

And thus, we have arrived to Minoa!

What is Minoa, you ask? Minoa is to Rome what Rome is to us. An old-ass civilization either older than or younger by a hundred years to ancient Egypt. Egypt, that started in 3200 B.C-ish depending on who you ask. That’s old. Old as balls. They were contemporaries to their trading partner, Egypt until 1450 BC-ish. A 2000 year old civilization.

Minoa was founded on the island of Crete, and was by what artifacts we have found a merchant civilization with its central economy centered on the cultivation of saffron and the development of bronze/iron statues of bulls. Most of what we know about them comes from artifacts and frescoes found on Crete that managed to survive everything else I will mention later, but what matters is that we know a few things about them. 

Obsessed with marine life for some time, given their pottery. 

Had the first palaces in all of Europe, some of them ridiculously big. 

Wrote in Linear A and Cretan Hieroglyphs, both still untranslated languages. 

Had a ritual involving jumping over a bull, for some reason. 

Firm believers in “Suns out, Tits out.”

You’d think I’m kidding on the last one but no! No no no! All the women apparently rocked the tits-out look in Minoa!

^^^^One of many, many Minoan works featuring women giving their titties fresh air. ^^^^

“Wait a second Pinks! What does this have to do with Ariadne being the Mistress of labyrinths?”

Well you see dear wonderful darling, while we know very little about Minoan religion because Mycenaeans (we will get to those bastards in a second), we do know this:

All the religious figures appear to be exclusively women.

The most important figures of their religion seem to be goddesses as there are few artifacts featuring male gods.

Because of the religion, the culture may have been an equal society or even a matriarchy! Historians who are male aren’t sure. 

A frankly ridiculous amount of their temples, including the ones in caves in the middle of fuck-all feature labyrinths. A lot of labyrinths!

Their head god is a goddess! Whose temples have labyrinths and whose main symbols are snakes and bulls. Who do we know is a) the mistress of labyrinths and b) is symbolized a lot by snakes and bulls?

ARI-fucking-ADNE THAT’S WHO!

Ariadne didn’t upgrade by marrying the prince of Olympus! Dionysus wifed up possibly the most important goddess in all of Crete and becoming her boy-toy! 

I’m not even kidding, most Minoan depictions of the goddess’ consort features a boy/man who cycles through the stages of death. Dionysus himself in several myths goes through the same cycle - life, being crushed, death, rebirth, repeat.  Cycles the consort goes through in Minoan legend depictions too!

Okay, that’s great, but what does that have to do with the Mycenaeans? Why do you want to single-handedly go back in time and strangle the beta-Greeks with the nearest belt?

Everything I just said about Ariadne being a Minoan goddess, the Mistress of Labyrinths being hella important on Minoa, is all theoretical. The Mycenaeans are partially to blame for making it theoretical. 

Minoa thrived for 2000 years but it had a lot of issues, mostly caused by natural disasters. Towards the end of their civilization (1500 BC-ish), the nearby island of Thera, today known as Santorini, decided to blow up. The island was a hella-active volcano that when erupted, destroyed a lot. 

How big was the eruption? Well when Pompeii was wasted by Mt. Vesuvius, the blast was heard from roughly 120 miles away, 200 km. 

The blast on Thera was heard from 3000 miles away. 4800 km away.

Fuck me, the environmental effects of the explosion were felt in imperialistic CHINA.

Holy shit that would waste anybody! And it did! Minoa went from being a powerhouse in the Mediterranean to scrambling to recover from losing 40,000 citizens and who knows how many cities. Tsunamis may have followed the blast, further destroying ports which for a navy-powerhouse of an island nation is a bad thing and the theorized temperature drops caused by a cloud of ash lingering for a while would have destroyed crops for the year.

Minoa was fucked. 

The Mycenaeans and all their bullshit made it worse.

Up until a few hundred years prior to Thera’s explosion, Minoan artifacts don’t depict much in terms of military power. Why would it? Crete is a natural defense post. Sheer cliffs, high mountains and a few semi-fortified areas would make it pointless to invade. It’s only when the Mycenaeans in all their bullshit decided to attack/compete that Minoa really needed any army to speak of.

Guess who decided to invade while Minoa was reeling from an incredibly shitty year? Mycenaea!

Guess who won?

Also Mycenaea!

Nobody knows how this shit went down though because wouldn’t you know it, the Mycenaeans in all their superiority-complex glory decided to destroy most written accounts about Minoa, a good junk of the temples and culturally eliminated most of Minoan beliefs. 

Minoa isn’t even the real name of the civilization! It’s just the name Arthur Evans, the guy who re-motivate interest in Minoan archaeology, gave to the civilization because the writings that would have included the name of the civilization were destroyed.

“That sucks!” Fuck yes that sucks! “What does that have to do with Ariadne though?”

Oh ho ho. Strap in because you’re about to be pissed. 

Those of us unfortunate enough to be aware of all the bullshit the Christians pulled on the European pagan belief system are familiar with the concept of cultural, religious destruction. There’s a special name for it I don’t know but if I did I would curse it to be absorbed by the horrendous will of fungi. 

An example: Christianity was not the most popular of religions amongst the Vikings. A monotheistic religion that is heavily controlled did not strongly appeal to anyone with a pantheon as rad as the Norse one. 

In order to appeal to the Vikings, what monks would do is they would write down traditionally Viking stories which up until that point were orally passed down. Beowulf, the story of the most Viking Viking to have every Vikinged, was one of these first stories. 

However! Did these monks write Beowulf as closely to the original oral transcript as possible? Of course not! They took liberties! While Norse features such as trolls and dragons and all sorts of Norse magic occur, there is a lot of Christian features added in. 

This happened across all Pagan religions that Christianity came into contact with in Europe. Stories would be altered when written down to be more Christian (this happened to the Greek Pantheon too btw), holidays that were Pagan magically lined up with ones the Vatican just happened to suddenly have. Even names of mythological figures were taken and added onto Christian figure names. Consequently, a lot of pagan religions they did this to got erased over time, with many of their traditions and details being lost forever, and the details we do know being tinted by Christianity.

The Mycenaeans were likely no different. 

Minoa and Mycenaea were as culturally opposite as can be. Minoa is theorized to be a matriarchal or equal society*. Mycenaea and most of early Greece absolutely was not. In fact, during early stages of their religion where they believed in reincarnation, the Mycenaeans believed the worst thing to come back as was a woman. 

Did you get that? With your options ranging from man to ever single animal on Earth, a woman was ranked as beneath literal animals in Mycenaean society.

Fuck the Mycenaeans.

* This is not to say Minoa was without fault, as a society that is matriarchal or equal can still have rampant issues such as privilege, classism, racism, sexism and more, but when history has a shortage of civilizations that didn’t treat women like shit, you find yourself rooting for them more. 

 What do you do then, when you take over a society that is very much the opposite of a nightmare of a patriarchy? You fold their beliefs into your own to bait them into yours. Going back to the Linear B line about “Mistress of Labyrinths” that line would/could have been an early tactic of incorporating Minoan belief into Mycenaean belief. Other goddesses and gods were made into aspects of Mycenaean gods. Bristomartis, the Minoan goddess of the hunt, would become Artmeis. Velchanos, a god of the sky, would become Zeus. 

With more time, the religion shifted more into Mycenaean and eventually into ancient Greece as we know it. Through trade other gods and goddesses would continue to shift and change, some being straight up imported (Aphrodite for example). Dionysus himself changed a lot too, going from a God representing freedom and attracting slaves, women and those with limited power into his cult, to a God of parties for the wealthy. 

Theseus and the Minotaur was a myth likely based on a Mycenaean myth based on a Minoan myth that changes Ariadne from an important, possibly the important goddess of an ancient religion and relegates her to a side character in a pantheon so vast that she would be lost within it. 

All of this brings us to today. Today, where as soon as work ended I spent most of the day, as well as the past two days, looking up everything I can on Minoan civilization and added it to my notes. Spite is fueling me to write two possible different stories for two different fandoms where Minoa dunks of Mycenaea and it is giving me life. Expect an update within the next two weeks folks as I lose control of my writing life once more. 

In summary: Ariadne deserves more respect, fuck the public education system for skipping over the good parts of Greek mythology instead of the r*pey as shit parts, the Mycenaeans can eat my shorts, and a world were Minoa became the predominant power instead of Greece would be an amazing world to live in.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. Pink out. 

[razberryyum]

So you’re done with The Untamed and want more, what now?

Reposting this since I’ve updated it with new info/links. Again, I entered the fandom via The Untamed so I’m by no means a MDZS expert, just tried my best gathering all the resources I can which I hope will help some new Untamed/MDZS fan out there. If you spot any errors, don’t yell at me, just let me know and I’ll correct it as best I can, especially for any future reposts.

READ THE NOVEL

Read the original web novel the show was based on: The Untamed (aka “CQL” or “Chen Qing Ling”) was adapted from the BL web novel, Mo Dao Zu Shi (aka ”MDZS” or Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation) by author Mo Xiang Tong Xiu (”MXTX”). Yes the novel came first, CQL is only an adaptation. In the novel, you get the uncensored romance of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, where they are canonically married and living happily ever after. The novel goes full into R18 territory so please tread carefully.

All four volumes of the novel can be purchased from the original publishing site, JJWXC. The site’s in chinese but here’s a tutorial on how to navigate it and purchase the books:  JJWXC Tutorial Link.

There’s also the option of purchasing the physical copies from Yesasia which might be easier but it’s also more expensive since they’re the middle man: Yesasia MDZS Link

It would be wonderful if you can support MXTX-laoshi by actually buying the books, especially since the cover art is so beautiful and the extra chapter volumes come with a lot of awesome extra goodies, but of course there’s also the option of reading the fan translations graciously provided by the Exiled Rebels Scanlations team at their site:  

They translated all the novels including the bonus chapters in their own free time and are providing the fanslations for free so please give them some love for all their hard work.  

WATCH THE ANIME (aka “Donghua” in Chinese)

Watch the anime based on the novel: The donghua was released before The Untamed. Two seasons are already available (23 eps total) with a third season in production and a special chibi version of the donghua in production as well. The Eng-subbed donghua can be seen using the WeTV app or on Youtube:  YT MDZS Donghua Playlist

Grant it, the donghua is even more censored than The Untamed, but the donghua team still managed to sneak in some easter eggs (f.e. WangXian naked bathing scene in the cold springs from the novel...in The Untamed they were fully clothed) and more importantly, the animation is just gorgeous so it’s absolutely worth a watch despite the censorship. 

READ THE MANGA (aka “Manhua” in Chinese)

Read the manhua which is ongoing and is being officially translated by WeComics, available on their app for free. Search under the name “Mo Dao Zu Shi”.

Unfortunately, the official translations are more than 20 chaps behind the raws and there have been complaints about the quality of the translations in the past, but I believe they’re starting to improve so since they’re official, it’s always better to support the official source.

The raw untranslated manhua can be found on the Kuaikanmanhua app. Other than being in Chinese, some of the chapters (f.e. the most recent ones) are behind a paywall, but here’s a tutorial on how to purchase the chapters, provided by @chiharuzushi on Twitter:  Kuaikanmanhua Tutorial

The chapters are quite cheap...I purchase 1000 KK coins for 10 rmb ($0.14) and each chapter is only 68 KK coins so even if we end up with 500 chapters it’ll still be...er...quite cheap overall (don’t make me do the actual math). The most painful part is figuring out how to set up the Kuaikanmanhua account, but otherwise, if you can read Chinese or know enough of the story by now that you don’t really need to read the words, the manhua is definitely worth reading because it’s less censored than The Untamed and the donghua. 

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO DRAMA

Listen to the audio drama, which is at this point the most faithful and LEAST censored adaptation of the novel we will probably ever get! Wei Ying’s voice actor in The Untamed is the voice actor for his audio drama counterpart. (Yes, almost everyone in The Untamed is dubbed by a voice actor, EXCEPT for Nie Huaisang. Ji Li, the actor for NHS, was the only one who used his own voice. Lan Zhan in The Untamed shares the same voice actor as his character in the donghua). 

Each episode art of the audio drama is AMAZING. Google Translate works well on the site, you’d want to see the listeners’ comments cuz they’re just adorable and hilarious.

Official links on Maoer FM:

Season 1: Maoer FM S1 Link

Season 2: Maoer FM S2 Link

Season 3: Maoer FM S3 Link

The audio drama was supervised by MXTX-laoshi, the author of the novel, so a lot of love and care went into the production, and it shows. The audio drama is behind a paywall but I remember it’s relatively inexpensive. Here’s the tutorial on how to purchase the audio drama from the Maoer FM site:  Maoer FM Tutorial Link

Ngl, it was tough at first navigating all that, Google translate helped, but once I figured it out, it was all so worth it because in addition to the MDZS, the site houses a lot of other wonderful audio dramas. There are also MDZS fan songs on the site that are near professional quality and oh so good.

Suibian Subs have kindly translated the episodes and their translations are available here:  Suibian Subs MDZS Audio Drama

Show them some love too for translating the episodes, but please if you can, purchase the episodes so you can support the audio drama team which have done an amazing job.

There’s even a Japanese audio drama which the Chinese AD team helped spearhead, available on the MIMI FM app. Here’s a tutorial on how to purchase the eps (half of the first season is out): MIMI FM Tutorial

It’s in Japanese but just follow the pictures. I’m hoping that the Japanese audio drama will end up being the MOST uncensored version of MDZS since Japanese BL dramas are not afraid (and allowed) to go all the way to R18. XD

MORE THE UNTAMED CONTENT

Lastly, if you’re just thirsting for more Untamed content, there are two spin-off movies you can watch. The first one, The Living Dead, is kind of centered on Wen Ning and Sizhui post-CQL. 

The second one, Fatal Journey, is focused on the Nie brothers, Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang, with a cameo by Jin Guangyao. It takes place prior to Wei Ying’s return from the dead.

Of the two movies, I definitely recommend Fatal Journey more. Both movies are available on the iQiyi app, which offers a one month free trial for first members. Each month afterwards for VIP is $6.99.

You can also go on the WeTV app for even more Untamed extras: WeTV put out a special edition cut of the show which tightened up the story AND features the original ending that was intended before censorship forced the production team to come up with the more ambiguous one we saw in its original run. It was a simple matter of rearranging certain scenes and getting rid of the separation part, but imho it really made all the difference to the ending.

There’s a ton of behind-the-scene cuteness that you can watch and also concerts with the cast in Thailand and Nanjing. VIP subscription to the WeTV app is $5.99/month and the Nanjing concert is for rent for 3 months at about the same price.  

The show also put out two official soundtracks, one for the vocals and one for the score. Both are available on Amazon and iTunes. For Amazon though, you can search under “The Untamed” but they did this weird thing where the vocals one is listed as “The Untamed (Chinoiserie Music Album)” (wtf) while the score is just listed as “The Untamed (Original Soundtrack)”.

Finally, most of the male members of the cast took part in a fan meet and greet at the start of the show, before it became hugely popular. The entire meet and greet is available on youtube subbed: The Untamed Fan Meeting

That’s it for The Untamed and MDZS. If you end up liking the novel enough to want to read more by the same author, MXTX-laoshi has also written two other BL novels, The Scum Villain Self-Saving System (aka “SVSSS” or “Scum Villain”) and Heaven’s Official Blessing (aka “TGCF” after its Chinese title). Both have been fully translated by fans (but always try to buy the original if you have the means, as a way to support the author!): 

SVSSS Translation: BC Novels Link

TGCF Translation chaps 1 - 24:  Sakhyulations Link

TGCF Translation chaps 25 - End: Suika & Rynn Link

As with reading any BL novel (aka “danmei novel” for Chinese BL books), please heed the warnings and if it’s not your cup of tea, just exit out of the page and move on with your life. No big deal, right? 

Anyway, hope all this info dump helps someone! If you’re brand spanking new to this fandom, welcome, and I’m so jealous of you! Would love to relive stepping into the world of MDZS/MXTX/danmei novels all over again since I feel like I’m already running out of stuff to read and I’m beginning to panic a little. 

Happy watching/reading/listening!  

[remythologise]

Hi!!!!! I've been following you for a while and all your posts about Destiel are pulling me straight back to the fandom. I stopped watching around season 9/10 but your enthusiasm is so awesome and I love seeing all your posts on my dash!!!! I've only watched each episode once, but do you have any favorite episodes to rewatch? And do you have any fic recs? I'm so excited that you're excited, it's so contagious. Thank you for being you and for being so lovely! 😆

HELLO thank you so much I’m so glad to share this happiness with you... the absolute hysteria of the implications of this thing

Favourite episodes to rewatch:

As I’ve linked before, this is a great list of Destiel moments to 14. In terms of my personal favourites that aren’t necessarily Destiel oriented (except that as soon as we get to s7 who am I kidding):

Faith

In My Time of Dying

Tall Tales

What Is and What Should Never Be

Mystery Spot

Lazarus Rising*

On The Head of a Pin

The Rapture

Lucifer Rising

Free To Be You And Me (!)

The End (!!)

Changing Channels

Point of No Return

Swan Song

The French Mistake

The Man Who Would Be King (!!!)

A Little Slice of Kevin

Sacrifice

Heaven Can’t Wait

Meta Fiction

Fan Fiction

First Blood

Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

The Future

All Along The Watchtower

Lost and Found

The Trap

Despair

*literally any episode with Castiel from here on out and now even MORE SO given the recent Implication of 15.18. Just go to his wiki page lol. Also Season 4-5 really does fuck when it’s plot related wow.

Fic recs:

Ok these are just the fics I’ve read recently, I know there’s a bunch of stuff that was written pre-s7 that isn’t here but I haven’t gone back through my rec lists and evaluated what’s stood up to the test of time. So these are the ones I’ve evaluated on my recent binge over the past year:

Down To Agincourt

I haven’t remotely finished this, I’m reading it right now. Get past the first chapter being purple prosey (this is what kept me back from reading it before this month and MISTAKE) and you’ll be like. What. the. fuck. Incroyable. Over a million words of End-Verse angst and pining but also has humour and some absolutely outstanding writing. Ben Edlund come collect your legacy. The premise is that Dean from s7 post-Cas death gets sent back to the 5.04 world at the moment he left it, and takes over from End-Verse Dean - and starts to fight for a hopeful future. My one caveat is so far there’s been very little mention/concern over Sam but it’s FINE because this is SO GOOD. Technically a WIP but being updated.

Ninety One Whiskey and anything by komodobits (warning A Complete Kingdom is very good but has an unhappy ending).

Don’t know if you’re getting the feeling that I like extremely long fanfic but uh.... frankly if it’s not 300,000 words of pining it’s not a slow burn. After I finished this I literally had one of those moments where I had to lie down and stare into space and by ‘moments’ I mean like a full 24 hours. Life changing. World War II AU that is so artfully rendered and researched that it makes literally anyone who thinks they could be a writer cry.

You Can Keep Holding On and anything by NorthernSparrow

If we hadn’t had SPN go past S5 I’m not sure NorthernSparrow would have gotten into Destiel and that alone is why post s5 SPN deserves rights. Relative to komodobits, always happy endings and fluffy and so on. One of the rare authors who also writes AUs with rights. NorthernSparrow is a... nature academic? Of some kind, and that plays into their fics - lots of references to Castiel’s wings and bird anatomy.

Redemption Road

I’ve literally also not finished this even though I’ve got halfway through it three times now over the past decade slkdfjlskdjflkds SORRY my attention span cuts out when they get together don’t @ me. Variable quality sometimes because they have a team of different writers that came together to write an alternate Season 7, but overall really really good and some of the writers are incredible. Also like love it bc they just flexed on the writing team at SPN so hard with this. Has an alternate epilogue which happened because the writing team disagreed on the ending and had a whole drama (we love group projects) which I believe is better than the original(?), although having not read it to the end I can’t testify to that. 

Ok I simply can’t continue to fill your dash with long descriptions so here’s some more recs in shorter forms, (canon-verse because what’s an AU? I don’t know her) and favourite authors: All Things Shining, The Law of Equivalent Exchange, Dean and Cas’ Top 13 Zepp Traxx, Where the Weeds Take Root, and just for a palate cleanser, the very funny crack fic Broadway Musical. Also some authors who have written a lot of rec-worthy canon-verse fics: aeli_kindara (some SERIOUSLY good and happy fics here), xylodemon, pantheon_of_discord.

My bookmarks folder is currently an unorganised MESS, usually I have things bookmarked on my Diigo but since a) most of these aren’t on there and b) I can’t verify the quality of fics I read before my destiel hiatus, this is the best I got! I’ll update and organise all my destiel bookmarks one day sorry...

[luvargas]

     i think i just saw LUCILA “ LU ” VARGAS ride by on a golf cart . at least i think it was her . after all , CREDIT IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD BY HOLE was blasting on the transistor radio . maybe she was on her way to work , i hear she’s a PERSONAL TRAINER . but she totally could have been on her way to SNEAK IN A SMOKE AT THE GARDEN . guess we’ll never know . you’ll definitely know its her when you see LOOSE AND TANGLED HAND WRAPS , BUTTON BADGES ON VEGAN LEATHER ,  AND HEAR THE SHRILL SOUND OF BICKERING around the country club . let’s just hope she stays off the green after hours or else the sprinklers will get her !

( new muse, messy thoughts, u get the gist. pls know the views of this chara do not reflect my own. the name’s katya, 21, she/her pronouns & im ready 2 party. feel free to hmu wnvr or drop a like to plot n ill com 2 u ! x — oh n pls be a pal n read this quick disclaimer. tysm ! )

BASICS

24 years old

15 april 1997

5′1″ or 1.55m tall

bisexual cis woman, she/her

aries sun, aqua moon, and aqua rising

love languages : quality time & acts of service

BIO POINTS

kid o’ divorce, lived w her ma in chicago til she was 6 then w her dad in highlands til 14 then back to her ma ! 

def a daddys gorl. so used to her white pop’s leniency that livin w her strict latina ma durin her teen yrs was So Not Her Vibe ergo * cue her rebel grrrl phase *

did not finish hs ! left senior yr 2 to go w her “ radically progressive ” college bf to [ insert dev country. ] they broke up after a few mos but she kept at that life for a couple more yrs

seen some places. lived in new countries. done some shit. some good, some sus, but all generally well-intentioned. tis a whole thing but u get the gist, nywy !

lu’s back in da usa by 21. rel w the ma is strained but the pa is chill w stuff, they kept in touch. he said shell get her college fund if she gets her ged so she does !

her dad is v active n stuff so shes just always been v sporty w him. lu turnin 23 w zilch plans worried him so he implored her to get certified as a personal trainer ! n when she did, he called in a few favors w a pal he knows et voilà ! ur hired.

LU AT WORK

shes been workin at the country club fr a little over a yr now. most her clients are influencer-type gals n they luv her bc shes can take rlly cute pics n stuff for content. lu sorta likes some of em n she fakes the rest for the bread. u can bet she clowns all em richies behind their back   

unless she got clients, catch her runnin’ about the club n minglin’ w the other workers. does it annoy mngmt ? yes. n she luvs that. but bc her soon-2-b-karen clients luv her n wont stand for her bein booted, she can milk that impunity

actually knows her shit n lowkey rlly enjoys the work. she picked back up the boxing n tae kwon do she did when she was younger plus she was always in the track team at school. v healthy lifestyle save for her smokin vice n the party moments

PERSONALITY 

passionate ! has lotsa opinions. helluva a drama queen, bit of a loud mouth, argumentative n stubborn but her heart’s in the right place, albeit a lil misguided. comes w the whole activist bit, bitin her tongue just aint it. highkey makes everythin political n smtms gotta realize .,.,. it just aint that deep chief. some say shes needlessly defiant, but maybe thats a in the beholder typa thing ? fingers crossed 4 lu’s sake

fun, fun, fun ! can be real naggy but shes no buzzkill. wannabe anarchist-slash-mutineer who wants 2 stick it 2 the man ! get rowdy go crazy

fight, fight, fight ! goin back to the first bit, she talks big. esp w like ,, men n the whites lol. she can actually walk her threats tho she isnt actually violent. w arguments, she likes to start em but finishin is ... ruff.  also any dare, she wont back down in either doin it or arguin why doin it wld be smth-ist. shes not the sharpest tool ok rip lu

loyal legend ! fr her friends n buds, shell turn a blind eye. pals r the only exception ! truly ride or die n will do errthng 4 em. v much a believer in the power of community n ppl needin ppl or wtvr, yk, all that stuff. shes mouthy but like, she helps ppl 

here’s a brief blurb n a more coherent look into lu as a character

TIDBITS

lu can understand spanish but hers is a bit broken, tis her secret shame shhh

she doesn’t believe in the institution. any institution. u name it, shes got beef

pls dont fact check her she cant hear u

probs lowkey thinks shes better than u bc shes vegan

prefers 2 be called “ lu ” n ny1 who insists on lucila is dead 2 her 

comments abt her not lookin like a pt w her height n frame will result in an earful n a dramatic outburst. it aint worth it chief

watches lotsa sports w her pops. mostly indiv ones. mma, boxing, tennis, track, etc

dont ask me abt her principles n politics, i cant explain em either. v inconsistent n just messy at this point tbh but here’s a lil attempt ig

she drives a 2018 prius n lives in a p nice 1br apt outside the club

her mom’s middle class n her dad is almost upper-middle class. he isnt a member of the club but, like ,,, he cld be if he wanted to lol. he spoils her sm while she hasnt rlly Spoken to her mom besides civility, rip they both stubborn, tis a vargas thing

she is v much in a comfy position money-wise n dsnt hav much Need to hustle but sis does hav a couple of organizations she regularly sends some dough to so thats nice ig

she went fr grassroots activist to a veteran twitter/tumblr/reddit/wtvr ranter n a change.org gofundme petition regular. is it burnout ? is she ok ? honestly who knows

WANTED CONNECTIONS / TAKEN CONNECTIONS

found family ! pals n squad wanted. y’all gotta hav patience or ear plugs to power thru her self-indulgent mini-rants but shell luv ya back tenfold !

carpool buds ? cld be a pal ! or maybe yall had a lil argument or small beef but lu still drives ym bc her pride ? said mother earth first even tho the tension n silly drama is funny 

homies to smoochies ! just sum nsa makin out. cld be pals, cld be flirty, idk, but if u wanna kiss her shes probs ok w that

smoke bud ! just sum1 thats her go-to 2 smoke w on her breaks. knows not to call her out on how its not healthy fr a trainer yada yada she knows ok. let her live

an ex ? idk yet shes not rlly datey but thats out there

crushes ! this bitch hot but does she know how to flirt ? not rlly. watch her fumble

debate club ! aka sum1 she bickers w relentlessly. its valid, sum1 fite her. r u a worker or a club member ? either works. its a whole club bc she can have tons, lu can be hella annoying n testy

clients ! self-explanatory. do they get along tho ? lets find out ! 

( im officially braindead now but if y’all got more ideas or think theres smth lu wld fit just lmk !!! down 4 wtvr, wld luv 2 hash it out w yall <3 )