#because I've got my surgery scheduled for early January and that is gonna take me at LEAST a month to recover from

[arrowpunk]

Also fun life update for everybody because I am EXCITED and therefore everyone must know

@fruitbatvampiresociety my beloved, wonderful, partner moves in with me TOMORROW!!! We're Finally going to be living together on a more permanent basis and I am so extremely excited

[crucifixes-and-chrysanthemums]

I'm going under the knife for the first time ever tomorrow to get two wisdom teeth removed. They've been rather unwise, so they've gotta go. I've got the whole week off, WITH PTO! Oh, the massive amount of drugs I'm gonna request for the surgery is why I'm journaling early.

Which is weird. It's weird to lay in bed Sunday night and not have to go to work tomorrow. Sure, I have to be up earlier than usual since I have to call Wal Mart and return a phone call I got Friday about by application, but still. Oh, yeah, I applied to wal mart about an auto tech position they've got open in Canandaigua.

I've been on my bullshit today, and honestly, I think I know why. I mean, A., I got sorta tipsy drinking an entire 750ml bottle of cider in like, a half hour. But B., Anubis' character died in DnD, and I'm a good role player. Garde is too - it was nice to actually act out a scene with someone.

I also woke up today, for no perceptible reason, thinking of one of the scariest moments of my life. When I woke up in the middle of the night in Vegas and couldn't feel Leisha there when I rolled over. Of course, she was about three inches out of my grasp because it was a big bed. But still. Woke her up by accident and just wept when I explained it.

Anyway. It's been an emotional day I suppose. God loves me. That can be a hard thing to remember sometimes, but He likes to remind me every now and again, and I do appreciate it. I don't love Him like I should, but I know He sees me trying at least.

Can't focus too much on others. Have to. It's the right thing to do. Plus it's just how I am. But still, can't lose myself in them.

Redownloaded Hinge and Bumble. Gonna have Em help me make an actually appealing profile. Gonna ask mom if she was serious about that teacher or whoever she works with. I need to get out there.

Decided that the trip to KCMO is gonna be a motorcycle trip. Take it slow, enjoy the journey. There will be split into two days, back will be split into two days. Visit friends along the way and motocamp overnight. I think that'll be rather cool.

Got an update on Anne, Artemis. Her medicine is stabilized for the most part and she's making progress. Good to hear. I want nothing but the best for my favorite raccoon.

I'm just sorta tired now, so I'm gonna hit the hay.

Three things I'm grateful for today: Mass was excellent as always; great RP session in DnD; made more plans for my summer trip.

Three intentions for the week: enjoy my time off, schedule an interview for Walmart, get some chores done.

11:46pm, Sunday, January 22nd, 2023.

[kuriquinn]

Just had to share this because I'm so excited: for the first time since 2016, I'm under 200 lbs.

I've always been really worried about the extra weight I had on me, especially since we have heart disease and diabetes in our family. Prior to the pandemic I hit 230 lbs, which for someone 5'7" and a tendency to put weight on around the belly and boobs is not good (fuck BMI as a health calculator, the visceral fat is the thing that needed to go down.)

So in 2019 I decided to deal with one of the major deterrents to me doing anything physical and which had caused me terrible damage to my spine: scheduled a breast reduction.

For pandemic reasons it took me about a year before I was able to get it, but during that time I started trying to take off even just a little in preparation for surgery, not doing anything too strenuous (my back is too fucked up and my knees too clicky for something high energy like running or zumba or aerobics) but basically just walking and swimming and gentle yoga, and of course, the dreaded diet. I managed to take off 5 lbs by myself before plateauing in a way that my weight refused to budge.

Luckily my surgery fell between a period of lockdown ending and then month later going back into effect (ah, Quebec. Wtf.), so I spent early 2021 recovering but once my surgeon gave me the go ahead (i lost about 5 lbs more from that surgery alone), I really tried to get into better shape

And it sucked.

And my weight didn't change.

And I kept losing motivation and went weeks, occasionally months without activity and only barely watching what I ate. By some miracle I managed to maintain instead of gain but it wasn't until this year (about the time I was semi-living on my own) that I really got serious about getting healthy.

A lot of motivation for that came down to witnessing Rebel Wilson radically go from overweight to healthy in like 1 year and finding out that she did it without dieting. (And she's also like me in that she will never be a tiny person which is role model goals imo)

And most important (which I think is what messed me up every time I tried to lose weight) keeping in mind that losing weight is not an overnight thing. It might take me a year or more to do it, but I had to celebrate the little milestones and not hate myself when I couldn't stick to goals and such, and also make goals which were reasonable.

So in January I gave myself a best-case goal of losing 40 lbs by this December, regular case 20 lbs, absolute least maintaining (since most years since high school I've put on an extra 5 lbs).

The fact that I'm halfway to that goal by this time in the year makes me feel amazing because it's been so hard to stick to a plan or a goal in the past, especially something as important as health wise. So even if I don't lose anymore weight this year and just maintain where I'm at now (hit 199.9 on the scale today and I don't care if it's just 0.1 off, this is the first time there hasn't been a 2 anywhere on my scale in eight years!), I've already managed to meet my own expectations.

And I really hope that this is just one of more goals I've set for myself, such as finding a job I like (not even love, just something I can do my best at without killing my soul) and getting back into writing, that I can complete by the end of the year.

A big part of that is going to be getting some help with my ADHD, which has been crippling me a lot worse the past year. I feel like as the depression and anxiety meds started working, it exposed all the symptoms of ADHD I've been able to ignore or mask my whole life and which since my burnout I haven't been able to do. So yeah, either gonna need to find some kind of affordable therapist to work with and maybe meds to help manage it, but for the first time in a while I feel like it's possible?

Anyway.

That's just my mood today, and a lot of you have been key to keeping my morale up and dealing with depression stuff (even if I don't interact much with you, your posts make me smile and keep my confidence up!), so thanks so so much for being you, and I hope whatever your personal goals are, no matter how big or small (seriously, just something like getting out of bed in the morning or taking a shower is a huge goal and you are awesome for managing it!), you achieve them.

XOXOXO

Kuri 💜