#because im bad annoying a waste of space im loud and useless

[fruitysoupy]

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[formulatemotif]

maybe i’ll just do it!!! fuck around and find out bitch because maybe i’ll just do it. my life has been a series of events, each worse than the last, with no end in sight. well i’m gonna make that end. i looked up a bunch of ways to kill myself and while none of them seem pleasant, they do seem necessary. i hate myself beyond comparison and i think it’s finally time i just up and did something about it. i am so completely fucking useless and just an awful human being all around and really id honestly, *truly*, be doing everyone a favor if i just pulled the plug on this whole shebang and left everyone be. i guess this is not the only way to do it, and i guess it might leave people feeling pretty bummed, but then again, if i have the capacity to hate myself as much as i do, then why can’t others as well? i’m sure a lot of them would be secretly relieved. i am so awful. just so terrible. i am so so so toxic and i feel like i’m just one of those stories of another toxic friendship waiting to happen. adam will hate me, mia will hate me, ruby will hate me, *everyone* will come to hate me in the end. so why don’t i cut it off now? i’m just prepping for the future. and really, with all the carbon emissions and wasted space i take up on the daily, do you really think it’s even bad? honestly, the world would thank me. i’d thank myself! i would’ve done it so much earlier if i wasn’t so afraid to. i wish i wasn’t afraid. it’s the only reason i haven’t done it yet. literally the only one. if i didn’t fear death then i would have done it by now. i would not be typing this! i’d be swimming in a bath of my own blood, kicking up sweet sweet À- or A+ or whatever the fuck my blood type is on my cool surfboard (which is a razor blade). i know a lot of people feel the exact same way i do. for some reason, this makes me irrationally angry, i think just because i’m jealous that they’re able to actually articulate and express those feelings somehow. i just think it’s so annoying. well get into this later lmao because currently jon and charlotte are having their nightly screaming session. my heart actually jumped a little there with just how loud it got. i feel bad that my mother failed giving me a good childhood. it’s no fault of her own, a lot of it is just her own depression, and the whopping rest of it is my dads complete lack of urgency. it feels pretty obvious, right? that his and charlottes marriage was doomed from the start? but yet here we are, however many awful years later, in this terrible, forever echoing house that has done nothing but make my life miserable. i spend all my hours in my room when i’m over here, against my will, really, because downstairs seems like too much like land mine central to go navigate. i don’t think that my dad gets that my room is not somewhere i go to relax, it is somewhere i go to hide. when charlotte comes home i duck. i’m only visible for dinner. i stay at my moms whenever possible. the screaming downstairs never ceases until she’s gone. zachs life must be so much worse than mine. she is such a terrible, terrible mother. i don’t think people understand how bad it is, even when i tell them. they think it’s perfect just because of the house. my mom especially. and ruby, too, i think. delia 1000%. why do i let people into my life? just for once i want to be the one listened to instead of the other way around. maybe im just bullshitting there. i bet i talk abt myself all the fucking time and it’s just the most ironic thing that i just typed that. i’m so awful. charlotte just said fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck off to jon. it’s so funny that earlier she was smiling and making jokes with some random woman at our dining table, perfectly disgusing herself as the charming, amazing mother she wants so desperately to be. but i have to be there, stowed away in the corner, while she screams and screams and screams all fucking night at her kids.