#like Ive lost myself forever...
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i realizedd i have nt drawn mithrun befure
#hate2say this but hes. just like me forrealll....#like i can do Things. but ive lost the want 2 take care of myself that i go 2-4 days w/o eating/sleeping so i NEED someone 2 help me w it#bc wnen i was 13-14 i could only eat rations + nothing for. a year that it completely fucked up my weight and eating habits#mithrun we r in this together my boy its going to be slippery & we will splat and sploink but by god we willcontinue our lives trying#dungeon meshi fanart#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#mithrun#i still think abt that dunmesh post where smthing can change u forever & u can never go back but the love will still b there waiting 4 you
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struggling to process what emotions are worth holding on to. how much forgiveness is too much. I can't go back to how things were but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know what I want forward to look like. I want to go back to the summers of my childhood and catch fireflies in the dark and feel the gathering dew on the grass
#lots happening at work. still processing the last several months of my own life. i feel like ive lost myself to the chaos#the transition between seasons is always difficult. i wish summer could stay forever#ace txt
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hmmmm i think i’ll be deleting and remaking soon perhaps.. honestly probably leaving the website entirely at some point but id want somewhere to at least archive my tags from this blog and have somewhere to reach my mutuals if i need in case my discord contacts fall out…
#id leave this blog behind but i dont want it to be up forever thats kind of why im deleting lol#like ive promised myself that by the time i start uploading music i wont have my blog to tie it to#i dont want people finding it and seeing stuff out of context or misinterpreting viewpoints i havent really cared about for years…#knowing how the internet is. and also specifically how my ex friends that hate me are#plus just like i generally feel as if tumblr makes me a worse person. so.#like i feel like spending time on here makes me hateful of people whose worst sin is being annoying and i dont really like being that way..#ive lost friends bc of it etc and i just honestly kind of dont like being a hater. sorry to my haters out there but#whenever i snap out of that mentality im like that was the worst version of me…#anyways. im only really here for my mutuals so. at the very least id like to cut down my presence#if not leave entirely
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We had to put him down this morning. His health was getting too bad and I couldn’t stand the idea of him suffering.
it’s just crazy to think I don’t really have puppy pictures of him because we got him before we even had cell phones. I picked him because all the other puppies had cute little shirts on and when I asked why he didn’t, the guy giving him to us said he was too rowdy and was a wiggly little fighter and I was so charmed by that. He had so much personality and would wake me up at ungodly hours in the morning for our walks. But like, he gave me a reason to get outside and see the sunrise everyday. I hope I took even half as much care of him as he did for me. Love you forever, fuzzy ❤️
#I feel so sad but I’m so grateful to have had this long. 15 almost 16 years is crazy#the grief will be forever but so will the love#animal death#fuzzy#animals#dog#sanchoyorambles#ive known it was coming but I don’t think any amount of time or knowing could really make it hurt less. it’ll just take time#he was safe and I hope he wasn’t scared#I did what I could to make him feel comfortable but it never feels like enough I wish I could’ve done more I wish he could’ve lived forever#I know it’s selfish but I wanted more time with him. I wish I could’ve got him a house with a big fenced in yard.#and always have fed him home cooked meals and spoiled him even more#not just any crusty little white dog. MY beloved crusty little white dog#he got along with cats better than other dogs and used to bark at even the WORD squirrel before he lost his hearing#he was so silly and I’m going to miss him so so much#I wish we could’ve seen a million more sunrises together buddy#it’s so quiet without him I don’t know what to do with myself#making this as an online memorial. but I did make him a shadow box with his collar and leash and paw prints and pictures and his#adoption papers and everything and his grave is going to be marked with a cute engraved thing it’s just not here yet#I’ll never love a dog so much again man I can’t handle this#but I want something online to look back on#I want people to know he was great and I love him and I’ll always love my baby#I’ve been trying to distract myself but god. ow
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!
#Yakuza HATEblog#i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary#also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her#ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy#like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost#his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about#and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an#absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd#beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day#but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever#stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never#risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall#when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to#suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the#fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either#way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do#things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!!#im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but#wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because#shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat#a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships#but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes#still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an#illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really#arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad#without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than#sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen#like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes#old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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*Cracks fingers* ok time for some jacob/deputy fic recs because I saw you liked come a little closer🥴:
The series: Fraternizarion
By hahaharley
https://archiveofourown.org/series/1180904
Absolutely wonderful, obsessed with the characterisation of jacob in this. And the dynamic they have is so fun, and the deputy’s character is so lovable ghhghh….
And omg the writer started writing for it again!!
Fic: the darkness got a hold on me
By jephanie
https://archiveofourown.org/series/1180904
Extreme slow burn but man does it pay off, the emotions that jephanie can convey with words is just incredible
Fic: Bitten
By doberman
Zombie au shenanigans, and the pining in this is just *chefs kiss*
https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827655
You already read come a little closer and man that fic is just something you rarely come across
Loved these!!! Especially everything by hahaharley! The Permanent Efficacy of Grace has me in an absolute chokehold right now.
Thank you so much for these!!! 🤩
#ive also blown through the entire jacob / dep tag on ao3 so uhhhhhhhh#im like kinda in a crisis#i have a fic in mind that i desperately want to read but the idea of writing it myself is nauseating#but!!! i want!!!! jacob x dep focused around the line he says while you try to kill him#'if i die youll be lost forever' like PLS
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:{
#rsd attack :{#i just wanna write something good enough to get someone else talking. idk what im doing wrong#and i know nobody is obliged to do that and im being entitled. i haven’t even written for things my friends actually know in forever#i just can’t get myself to fixate on something that’ll get a response. im there to write things like that but ive just lost all motivation#this is why online friendships are so hard i don’t have any energy to talk normally i just want to like be there#i want the online equivalent of laying in someone’s lap like you’re there but you can be quiet and just be with the person#idk. its my fault anyway im the one not reaching out#im the one being a bad friend i just like I have a pit in my stomach when I think about interacting#and I know that’s so stupid I know im overreacting and I always have fun#I just wanna write something good again. I just want a magnum opus and then I can lay down and let whatever happens to me happen#…idk. it wasn’t supposed to be but maybe last night’s writing was a little projection
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i NEED to live in a renovated van or little small rv and travel around the country foreverrrrrr
#probably not forever but get it out of my system and truly fall in love with someplace so i know#that ive made the right choice. about where to live#The idea of rooting myself down here in my hometown is devastating to me it actually fills my heart w dread and panic#It kind of makes my throat close up#i dont even hate it here but if I lose the freedom to run away whenever i want...i wouldnt be able to take it#i dont really have that freedom now but i feel the need to hold onto all the freedom i do have#I feel like i need to live in a way that is completely entwined with the entire concept of freedom#so theres no chance of it being taken away or lost#Tbh i have a LOT of freedom rn living alone and financially supporting myself#but even just having a JOB here makes me nervous because its a root..#and the idea of having a roommate makes me nervous too even if it isnt something im seeking out or anything#because thats a ROOT and even making FRIENDS here. makes me nervous#Just things that make it harder to leave#Its already hard enough and im not even trying to
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standing in the kitchen doing daily training stuff with my dog thinking about how in iron age egypt someone probably specialized in training working dogs and we'll never know what they did or what their names were. but we know in places with large amounts of livestock bones theres also countless dog bones.
#tongue#i keep having these existential moments where i think about people#maybe its bc ive been reading and watching a lot of stuff about anthropology lately#but its so easy to look at paintings and releif carvings and just feel nothing#theyre so far removed from us#but rheyre still us#they loved and lost and were stupid and awful and loving and brilliant#and we loved dogs so much that we domesticated them likely before we were even homosapians#dogs look to our hands when we talk they bond with us like our own babies bond to us#theyre eager to learn and we knew that we could tell even when we dont speak the same language#dogs became more expressive because humans became like bonded to the canines that were#the ones that sat with their ears back and eyes trained on yours with a wagging tail got more people food#and now my dog is sitting here with his ears back all smooshed against my legs begging for my poptart#i love humans man im literally sitting here crying while typing LMAO#like i made a post forever ago on my old blog anout onfim and like#and you can tell neanderthal parents lifted their babies to the roofs of caves so they could paint something up there too#I GET LIKE THIS EVERY TIME I GET INTO ANTHROPOLOGY IM SORRY#PALEONTOLOGY ALWAYS LEADS ME BACK THERE BUT I LOVE DINODSURS MAN I CANT STOP MYSELF
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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is it really really stupid to give her the gift. i know she’s not worth it and im making myself feel like shit over and over and i need to stop and it doesnt matter how sad or angry i am about it she’s not just gonna dump him and even if she did i wouldn’t like. want to be the second choice (not that i inherently would be. weirdo dream scenario) and it’s just not gonna affect her much to not see me anymore and i have to be okay with that. and im truthfully not rn but i have to be cause that’s the reality. anyway lost my point there
#like. i just cant imagine class being over monday and just being like. ok bye forever ig. or not rlly saying anything#idk guys im sorry i know ive gone on and on and on nonstop for months#it just sucks#even if i think back to monday like. it's classic baby steps of leading me on and i fortunately for once didnt nip at the bit right away#but just the little ways she looked at me and smiled or joked around. kinda flirty. just for her to yk#post the bereal today and hes in it and its like 'wait let me get a shirt on' so just blatantly fucking yk. didnt even have to do my sleuth#work. and like. i know maybe ive overreacted to a lot of it and over thought it and she really didn't intentionally do a lot of it#and wasn't ever confused or anything and i just told myself that to justify being sooooo bonkers over it. idk#so it's like. with all that in mind. no i should not give it to her i should just walk out of class and not talk to her again#but the wounded part of me the 17 yr old in me is desperately asking why it's so easy for someone to get over me#but she was never into me! or at least not enough yk. she has a boyfriend. and that yk. shouldve been enough#but i got so lost in all these little signs and feelings of tension and#i guess. lol look at me abt to say this. doesnt help to dwell (lol!) but who knows if it was mutual some of those times when it just Felt#tense. yk. or if she just has problems and really liked the ego boost#cause boy did i make it fucking easy to enjoy my attention! and i never ever ever shouldve done all that bc she wasnt mutually engaging#at least not till like. october. and only briefly. and i just. ugh#anyway :( whatever. i know the answer is no. i know it's no i know i shouldnt#but as i was saying. the wounded part of me wishes i could make her feel even a fraction of the hurt or even just fucking regret#but not pity. but regret for being an asshole. if i could just say something as my final word or something and still be dignified#but i just dk how that would happen. so. yeah#hopefully this is one of my runner up last posts about her#film girl saga
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I think Im unfortunately a Milgram fan, fellas. Sorry for whats to come.
#dee p thoughts#I feel like I lost against myself or something lol#like I should be disappointed#thankfully I am a bit!#but hey we recognize writing isnt perfect and move on#if the rest of things go how I expect I think milgram has a lot of potential otherwise tho...#many many thoughts.........#ANYWAYS I ALSO NEED TO GIVE ALIEN STAGE THOUGHTS IVE HAD SO MANY FOREVER OUGHHHHH
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Big dumb heart
#jessdraws#i havent felt as relaxed as i was when i was drawing this in probably months#life is hard and its taking its toll#i feel like im being ripped open and laid bear for everyones judgement and am shown to be lacking#cause i suck at my job and at reaching my goals and at life in general#my confidence has been shredded by the people i am suppossed to be mentored by#just by the fact that they clearly dont care what happens in my future#they just want me to show up shut up and work for them#meanwhile i can barely afford to eat#and applications for residency well went terribly and im worried i may not even get a good internship#my world keeps being shaken and im just so tired#ive lost so many patients lately and its taking its toll#i feel like ive both worked myhardest and not at all#i know i can be better and do better be smarter practice better medicine teach better#but unstead im stuck feeling like im drowing#and i push myself to do better but then i also jsut let myself go to much#go to easy on myself while mentally berating myself for not doing enough#even my rest isnt rest its just filled eith guilt because im frozen in terror about the future and what it holds for me#forever feeling like ive fucked everything up#feeling like ive given so much of myself to this place and these people only to have it rejected. wanting to give more but knowing i have so#little of myself left#if you read this whole thing well kudos to you you now know what an utter mess i am
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i was significantly more insecure in college in many ways but the confidence i used to project everyday back then is like!! insane!! astounding!! what was i sipping!!
#i was looking back at college pics and i got sad LOL#if i only didn't go through the horrors (tm) at the end of college perhaps i would've retained!! some of my ability to confident in the sam#ways#i was able to speak in groups and be around people so much better than i am now#i was always being silly and okay with being the center of attention#tbh i thrived when i was!!#i have very lucid memories from my sophomore year right#my friends had a house dubbed 'the hole' and whenever i walked in during a party#everyone would scream#“OMG ITS SALEM!!!!!”#and i'd get grouphugged and we'd throw on toto's africa and we'd dance and dance and dance#and i remember thinking like this won't last forever and is so special.#i felt very loved and seen!!#in many ways i was unhappy#and ive scorned a lot of my time at college bc i was going through it and not being truthful with myself#and was really lost#but idk i'm REFLECTING and there's lots i liked and enjoyed#i miss choir and being friendly with my peers in it#i miss joking around and being kind to strangers and making friends because of it#i miss feeling unafraid when i see people (even when i know them!!)#sorry to wax in the tags lol#i'm in my mourning era 😔✌!!#covid took from me just as much as it gave#i would not be sharing writing at all if it wasn't for the pandemmy!!#and being isolated and learning to love myself and all my parts!!
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