#because its been said a lot of times already by peopel who could put it more concisely

[emlos]

i call this piece "my laptop makes a horrible buzzing noise whenever i put it in my lap & its scaring me :("

[metaphysical-human-being]

Switcheroo pt3

pt1

pt2

pt3

pt4

A/N- Why hello again. I am here with pt3 of this series. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Warnings- crying, food mention, swearing, talk of being slapped, tell me if i should add more. 

Summary- De is trying his best, and its going pretty well. 

Remus trudged to the car, De right beside him. Both males were silent but both for different reasons. 

Remus was silent because...he didn't know what would happen if he tried to speak. The sick bubble of anxiety and dread in his gut made it clear that it wasn't gonna leave anytime soon and that meant an absolute war for the emotions he usually tried to bury. He didn't know whether he wanted to cry or scream or laugh or run. Maybe he wanted to do them all. Maybe he didn't. 

De was silent because he didn't know what to say. The last time he had ever seen Remus cry was two and a half years ago. Remus had been adopted for about six months at that time and finally decided to open up to De and tell him about Roman, the identical twin he “abandoned”( if you ask De though, Remus was only trying to do what he thought was best. He was only trying to be a good brother) and after that he had seemed to be...fine. Then the incident, then therapy and then...now. He didn't know what was so bad to have gotten Remus to cry and beg him to take him home but he knew that it was definitely not good.

De tried to swim through his brain and search for memories of what his parents used to do whenever he had a really bad breakdown. The bullying and ptsd from his birth parents left a lot of troubles for the young male but his moms always managed to get him through it. They always made him hot chocolate and held him while he cried..maybe Remus needed the same?

They slid into the car, Remus in the back as always. De looked back at his silent son, casting a reassuring glance his way. Remus just leaned his head against the cool glass window and closed his eyes. With a sigh, De started the car. 

The ride home was as silent as the walk to the car but a lot less awkward. It was more of a comforting silence. One that the father and son appreciated immensely. As they grew closer to their destination De tried to draw some reaction out of Remus.

“Oh! A starbucks...do you want anything, dear?” De had asked, praying to any god stupid enough to listen that his son would at least say no. 

Remus lifted his head to stare at the building for a quick second. De felt a bit of hope well in his stomach. Although it died when Remus just blinked before putting his head back on the window and closed his eyes. De just huffed and continued on home.

He parked in the assigned parking space and turned to tell Remus to get out but Remus was already at the door. De got out and followed him in. Remus tried to escape upstairs to his room but De knew that this was way too serious to ignore.

“Hold it, mister. You are not going to hide in your room.” De exclaimed, causing Remus to pause at the top of the stairs. 

“But Deeeeeee,” Remus whined. De just chuckled and motioned for him to come back downstairs. Remus took off his backpack and threw it towards the direction of his room before hopping onto the banister and sliding down. He almost crashed into De but De was smart and moved out the way, causing Remus to fall flat on his ass. 

“Okay, to the living room. I'm gonna go make some hot chocolate.” 

“Not your “spill your guts” hot chocolate, right?” Remus asked from the living room, flicking through channels. 

“Yes, it is my “spill your guts” hot chocolate. Deal with it.” De called, pouring the warm milk into two mugs. He heard Remus whine but he didn't care, he was gonna drink it and he was gonna like it. 

De walked into the living room with two mugs. One filled with hot chocolate and one filled with tea. De handed the mug of hot chocolate to Remus and plopped down next to him. He looked over at the show Remus had picked; Criminal Minds. Their favorite show….

“Nope!” Deceit said, turning off the tv. Remus looked at him like he was crazy. I mean, he was but he still didn't like the look.

“Don't give me that look, Rem. I know what you're doing.”

“I'm not doing anything!”

“Nope. You're trying to distract me with our favorite show and I don't appreciate i-”

“How are you so sure of that? I've just had a bad day, De, and i wanna watch my favor-”

“No. Remus. No.” De said, tone non-negotiable. Remus huffed and sunk into the couch cushion, taking small sips of his hot chocolate. De sighed at the sight. 

“Remus, I know you don't wanna talk about it but you're gonna have to. If not with me then with Dr. Picani. You seemed pretty upset, and that's putting it lightly. I haven't seen you like that in years and I'm worried, dear. I want to at least know what happened.” De explained, tone borderline pleading. Remus tried his hardest not to cry, he really did….but with the look De was giving him and the hot chocolate and the safety of being home and with someone he trusts..

Remus broke faster than ankles being hit with a Razor scooter. 

He collapsed into De’s chest, crumbling into a mess of tears and incoherent babbling. De, reliable as always, managed to snag the cup from Remus and place it on the coffee table before the boy could drop it. He also set down his own mug to calmly card his fingers through Remus’ forever messy locks.

“It's okay, dear. Let it all out,” De murmured, soft and sweet. It caused Remus to cry even harder, if that was possible. 

“It's alright dear…. it's alright,” De whispered. He felt Remus shudder at the reassuring words, still unused to them even after three years. 

“He-h-h-he was s-so a-a-ang-gry D-de!” Remus blubbered. De became worried when he said that. He? Who could be he?

It can't be...nonono...he’s...he’s supposed to be back in Florida!

De gulped. “Wh-who is he… dear?” De asked, trying to not let his nervousness slip through. 

"R-r-r-roman…" Remus whispered into De' chest. De felt himself stiffen up and he guessed Remus felt it too because it just made the boy cry harder, if that were possible. 

Deceit quickly continued to card his fingers through Remus' hair. 

"You...you saw Roman? Your brother?" De said. It came out more like a question but it wasn't one, not really. More astonishment than anything. Remus just nodded. 

"H-h-he-he ye-yelled at m-me and-an-and-”

“Slapped you?” De had finished. Remus stared up at him in astonishment. How in the world could he have known that?

De placed a gentle hand on Remus’ right cheek, a light sting alerted Remus of the bruise he had forgotten would be forming from the intensity of the slap. De frowned. 

“We should tell the school, he hurt you and that's not-”

“De,” Remus interrupted, voice still a bit shaky. “I h-hurt him more than-th-than I could imagine. I-I gave him a..away. I didn't bother t-to contact h-hi-him or anything!” Remus said. De just stroked his non-hurt cheek and stared at him. His bi-colored eyes did something to Remus no adult could ever do; calm him. They made him relax into his gentle hold and the intensity in them just added to that. They made Remus feel protected, something he only ever used to feel with Roman.

De sighed but didn't argue, he could tell Remus was serious. 

“Okay, I won't report him but try and avoid him. If he ever goes near you just turn around. No fighting, remember?”

“Yeah, I know,” Remus sighed. “N-not like I’d fight him anyway. Unlike R-Roman I’d never be able to hit my b-brother.” Remus said, barley stuttering. De knew that this meant that he’d calmed down but he also knew that he’d crash any minute. A breakdown like that would tire even the most active three year old down, which was what Remus was most times. 

“Do you wanna sleep in your room or on the couch?” De asked. Remus retracted himself from the older man and thought for a second. 

“Depends...you going back to work?” Remus asked. De shook his head which surprised Remus. 

“You seemed so distressed that I decided to just take the rest of the day off.” De explained. Remus nodded, too drained to do much else. 

“I’ll… I think I’ll nap here,” he decided before unceremoniously flopping onto the rest of the couch. De pulled a blanket on top of him and placed a gentle kiss onto his forehead. 

“I love you, dear.” De mumbled into his hair. 

“Mmm...love you too...de,” Remus mumbled back before falling into a deep sleep. 

De smiled down at his son before walking into the kitchen to get lunch started.

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peopel who wanna be tagged:

@datfearlessfangirl

[16th-cornelia-street]

just a jumbled mess of stream of consciousness thoughts while listening to folklore: (alos heads up i don’t know any of the song names so i’m just going mostly with the lyrics that stood out to me. but it is mostly in order of the songs as they play out.)

I remember when first listening ot lover thinking how melancholy all th songs were. i don’t feel it as much anymore, it just must have been my state of mind at the time. but listening to the first two songs of folklore i’m getting that feeling again and i don’t feel its going to go away. haven’t listened to rest of this ,but hte wishing and longing for htings to go back to how they were seems like its going to be the theme of this album

song after american dynasty gave me chills. that guys voice: beautiful.

same song gives me vibe of this is last time on red, which is a good song, couple having conversation about not listening to each othe rand feeling like neithe is being heard and thngs are falling apart. its my sisters favorite song on that album wonder how she’ll feel about this one.

mirror ball song makes me think of that dress she wore to award show for lover. and remember when joe and taylor posted that wine photo i wonder if thats the day they were working together on the song peopel theorize he worked with her on.

because i like to crazy theorize what if the three love sotry is about forbidden love stories both taylor and the cowriter had not together but with other people. i’m just in writing mode so creating all kinds of wild theories.

mirror ball also gives vibes of miss americana how she just wnats to be liked and shows various aspects of herself ot be accepted and the ball showing the viewer various aspects of themselves reminds me of how the fans talk about seeing themselves in her writing, parts they didn’t know aobut or parts tehy don’t show others. how they see thsemlves in her songs so in a way she is a mirorball to her fans not just her lovers.

folksong song sounds like a first love childhood before the singer learned to what was proper and accepted how to act like a “lady” back when her love was wild adn free pacing up her dolls and swaeter (cardigan) so they could run away together and be free in teh way they wanted to be. 

sometimes its easier to talk about aspects of ourslves by putting on othe people on othe stories slipping in fiction with truth so no one knows what was real or imagined (august)

august gives me back to december vibes.

man taylors vocals this album just i’m so speeechless so many ways she’s never sung before, a new side of her and her vocals so haunting nad beaitiful and breathy its enchanting. i don’t know how to describe it.

it doesn’t have ot be an affair to feel this way to feel like the perosn you’ve broken up with is someone you’ll never find agan never feel that way agin with who created worlds with you and then tears them all apart hwne they leave you.

invisible string i take it this is from male perspective talking about a girl and not realizing at time tehy liked you back and finding connnection years later. that yes they did like you.

gold string and dive bars gives me reputation feels.

really liking all the instrumentals in teh scong calm and soothing of course becauase thats the theme but i like that taylor changes up her sound each album not alwaysa rocky or poop or coutnry, its nice ot get the narrative beauty that is taylor but have the story told in different genres, if you will

when i saw that hte album was explicit i was like taylor is going to say the f word and when she id i was not ready for it espcialy with teh full sentence i think she said of mouth-f so ya that was boht unexpected and jarring and...wow, taylor. when you decide to use that word you go all in. good for you.

madwoman seems like sequal to the man. the man’s “crazy” sister

does he beat kind of pick up at the end of madwoman, either i was getting anxiety or the beat picks up when its just the insturmentals to give it a kind fo manic feeling

ther is a lot of mention fo dead nd peopel wishing someone was dead and funeral.s are you okay taylor. i just need to chck in with you.

the song about the soldier is giving me soon you’ll get better and will probably end up being the song i skip the most like all taylors songs about her mom becuause i can’t always handle those  feels.

betty’s garden. james girl drives up in car talk abou summer i was thinking august the whole tiem that maybe this song is tied to august song liek she said three songs tie togtehr in love triangle so that confirms it so is the third song the one about running away togetehr with suitcase of dolls and sweaters?

idk why as soon as i saw taylor message about love triangles i didn’t think the usual he loves her but she loves him, i was thinking he loves her and she loves her and she loves him. like a circle but it guess th twoudln’t amek ti a triangle then. but was totally thinking forbiddne and secret love and not realizing that she actaully liked you while you wer in love with her best friend. idk. i’m a mess.

sometimes i when i listen to taylor i think her voice hasn’t changed i listen to old songs and they basically sound the same but this album you really get to see her range and a new side of her voclas and tones and its nice ot hear the old and new together working togteher to make this album. 

okay this song cardigen is giving me vibes but then thers is the laughter at the end that pervades the cardigan song so betty garden seems tied to that.

bety garden is like book when he arrived at party at end its like ia rrived at your paryt i ws like what what di she say how did she react.i need to know.

 idk i just rally like this album i know its different in a good way and its really i really like the storyteller in me is squeeling.

brittle heart seems like a mess of phrases when first impresion but listening closer but its like youre trying searhcing for he word prhase thing syou need to say finding the right words finding the right combinaton of words either your own or someone else’s to get them to listen to hear you to accept you and let you be a part of their life.

hoax started and i knew it was the last song and it jsut felt like thigs wre getting starrted and alreayd its over. i’m not ready for it to be over. play it again sam.

edit; like this wasn’t long enough, here are more jumbled notes from the second listen.

unrequited love. missed opportunities. young love. mistakes taht could never be fixed.

what happesn when you take out all the prhases that seem out of place, like kissed two girls and lost the one. later in teh story you find out about james and him doing that and it seems like a hint taht he lost betty.

be a friend to all be afriend to none also seems out of palce seesm like taylor speaking from hr own experience

i can’t tell how much of this is narrative insertion? is that the word. and how much of it is just the narrative.

cardigan really feels lke this is betty’s song when he left for the summer and ruined everything.

he did come back to her but i don’t know feels like it might have been too late but maybe not. mixed readings on this one.

dynasty is a bop and i have many thoughts on it like that i love rebecca she is my life goals.

also get black widow vibes from her when couple dynasty with mad woman and teh idea that waht happend to the dog might have happened to her husband.

do you tay, you do you. ruin everything ebcause evertyhing is already ruined and its time they realized that and that its not really your fault.

not really any woman’s fault. 

some of the songs seem like they are about othe poeple but then likewith  lemony snicket it feels liek teh narrator is telling his own story in his own words or through the characters.

the couple fight song gives me miss americana nad heartbreak proince both as a romance and the current state of our country

ricochet what is that jumbled instrumental jazz mess that happeesn after the first mention fo her tears

sweet tea does it mention braids idk it just keeps giving me vibes of two girls in love but that could be because i’ve been on a supercorp writing stint.

the insturmentals just take you to another plane of existence

mentions a girl and talks about guys she gives their babies present (strign song) don’t know what to make of this song. gives me many feelings and so much to unpack

where is centenial parrk and do they ahve a yogurt stand there where someone worked. it makes me wonder if songs about not realizing how many times your paths crossed with someone utnil the moment you finally collide and have your first official encounter

mad woman almost seems like its tied to american dynasty hinting at the reasons she went mad after her husband died

when i heard mouth f*ck in madwoman i had teh same reaction as i did when i heard taylor sing “only bought this dress so you could take it off” in dress. adn i am reminded yet again, our girl is growing up. is grown up. she says fu and everything.

betty’s gardne mentions being 17 and not knowing anything and in cardigent we were young and they said we don’t know anything like she was calling BS on his excuse. you knew exactly what you were doing

btrittle heart maybe its like snatches of conversations memoires of meoments togteher things that were said that wer promised that weren’t said things you wanted to say

hoax mentions number one bringing it all back to the first song

[iamacolor]

Hey! I don't know if you accept prompts, but if you do could you write something about the first week after Yousef's return from Turkey... like what happens after Sana and Yousef were apart (even though they texted and video called each other) and the dynamics of their relationship once they're in the same city. I hope you decide to write it! Thank you in advance! 😊

Hello Anon!! Thank you very much for this prompt!! I was thinking of writing something like that so I was really glad to see your message! I got a bit carried away and wrote 6200 words so I really hope you like it! As it’s really long I advise peopel who prefer to read fics on Ao3 rather than on tumblr to check it out here

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[S :What time are you arriving at?Y :14:56. Why you planning on coming to pick me up from the airport? S :Elias said there no point since you’re with your family so you don’t need to be picked up Y :Awwww you asked Elias if you could pick me up?S :We talked I didn’t ask Y :Sure S :I hope you miss your plane Y :No you don’t S :No I don’t Y : ok I have to finish packing, have a good night Sana see you in Oslo! S :See you ]

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She stares as her screen for a while and smiles. He’ll be in Oslo tomorrow. After being apart for a month and a half, she was finally going to see him again. She was going to see him smile and laugh and hear his voice. For real not just on the phone. They had talked on the phone a few times. She has called him for a few of their calls, everytime afraid that he might be too busy to reply but he never was. Or if he was he never told her and always took the time to speak with her. They also video called each other and she’ll remember forever that one time all his little cousins arrived while he was talking and he had to do the rest of the call with them jumping on him. She couldn’t stop laughing, the kids seemed extremely proud of themselves and Yousef seemed to hesitate between being annoyed at the kids and looking at them foundly.

They had sent each other texts. So many texts. He sent her a picture everytime he saw something she might like or that he thought was pretty. Once in a while he would ask her if she was over Stephen Curry and she would reply with a link to one of Stephen’s picture saying « hmm I’m not sure ».

She decides to go to his house, the next day, in the afternoon. She asks Elias if he is going to visit Yousef to which Elias replies « Uh, no, I thought I’d see him tomorrow, the guy just came back. Let him chill » Then, he sees the way Sana is looking. All nervous but also excited and he adds :« Do you know what? I think I’ll go see him now. Yeah, he’s just came back but I’ll go say hi. Do you want to come with me? Don’t answer to that, I already know the answer. »She laughs and thanks him.

When they arrive at Yousef’s place, his father is the one to open the door and he greets them with a big smile. He makes them enter the apartment. Sana looks around, curious to finally see Yousef’s home. Yousef’s father calls for his son as he makes Sana and Elias go into the leaving room. A few seconds later, Yousef arrives in the living room. He sees Elias and smiles widely. A smile that grows wider and softer when he sees Sana standing next to his best friend. A smile that mirrors her own as she can finally see him again. Damn, she missed him and his stupid smile and his stupid snapbacks and even the way he walks. He crosses the living room to greet them when his parents suggest that Yousef and his friends should go outside while they finish unpacking. Sana follows the boy into the backyard, her heart beating fast as she can finally look at him after so long. He is talking with Elias on the way but often turns around to smile at her and she smiles back right away every time. Yousef holds the door open for his friend to come out and when Sana walks past him, he brushes her hand with his fingers and smiles at her softly.Once they are outside, Sana find herself at loss for words while Elias is asking Yousef questions. Yousef keeps looking at her and the simple fact of feeling his eyes on her after so long makes her feel like she is losing her mind. She doesn’t realize that she has locked eyes with Yousef until Elias says, a bit too loudly : « Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow ! I’ve done my brother duty, I’ll leave you two to it ! Bye ». And he walks away from them to leave the backyard.

« His brother duty ? What does he mean ? Asks Yousef- Well, I wanted to come here but I wasn’t sure if I should come or not and if I should, should I come alone or not, so in the end he came with me.- Never hesitate again Sana, you can come anytime.- Thanks- I’m serious Sana. Anytime. »If he says her name one more time, she’s not sure she’ll be able to contain the beating of her heart from going frantic. What is happening to her ?

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They are now standing in front of each other, smiling. Yousef can’t stop staring at her. Drinking in the vision of her in a blue hijab, dressed in white and grey. He feels as though he had been holding his breath all the time he was away and now that she is in front of him again, he can finally breathe.She laughs quietly and puts her hands under her chin and he can tell she is a little nervous.As he is about to say something funny, hopefully, to relax her, she takes a step towards him, looks up and let her arms fall to her sides. She raises them again slightly and he understands immediately what she is about to do. He raises his arms as well and, not even a second later, he can feel her hands coming around his waist and settling on his back. He never thought before her that you could tell so much with a hug. His hands are on her back and he rests his chin on top of her head. He can smell her perfume and he doesn’t think he ever felt as much as home as he does now. He sense her relaxing against his chest and presses a kiss on top of her head as if to say « I’m back for good, I’m here now. »

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After a while, Sana raises her head to look up at him and slightly takes a step back. There’s something about being near him, being with him, feeling him next to her, that makes her feel so giddy. She’s high on him and it has only been minutes !« I should probably let you unpack » she says right as he asks : « So where should we go ? »He exclaims : « You already want to leave me ? We haven’t seen each other for 50 days and you already want to leave ? A hug and bye.- No ! But your family surely need your help!I don’t want to leave, I’m trying to help you be a good son.- I’ve been a good son all summer, I can take a break. I am staying with you.- That’s good.- Yeah, that’s good.There is a little pause, then he adds :« - Ah, I missed you so much Sana !- I missed you a lot as well, Yousef.As she says that to him, she raises her hand to take a fallen leaf off his hair . She has been dreaming about touching his hair for so long. She marvels at the softness of his curls and keeps playing with it even when the leaf is long gone. He stays completely still and she wonders if her touch sends chills down her spine like his does to her . He closes his eyes with a tiny sigh and she has her answer. She whispers that if they want to do something, they should do it now . He seems to wake up from a dream and agrees with her.

They end up walking towards the basketball pitch. They don’t have a ball to play with as tehy realize when they arrive. They decide to stay there nonetheless. They don’t have to play basketball, they have so many things to talk about.Sana starts asking him questions about Turkey and what he did while he was there. She already knows many things as they’ve been in touch most of the time. But she doesn’t mind hearing some of it again and he adds more details and speaks about his family. He talks about the town where they live, Ankara. He tells Sana about the old castle that overlooks the city, about the beautiful great mosque with its huge that he is sure she would love. He remember going there as a kid and being in awe of the place. He tells her about all the food you can find and about the games he played with his little cousins and his trips to the country.

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Yousef feels a bit ashamed to have talked for so long about himself even if Sana doesn’t seem to mind as she asked questions and laughed and smiled. She genuinely seems happy to listen to him.He asks her about her summer and listens as she explains what she did with her firends and the troubles her squad got into. Her face lights up when she talks about her friends and their shenanigans. She also tells him a few stories about Elias that he cannot wait to use to make fun of his friend.After a while, Sana says that it’s too bad he is only coming back now because she starts school in a week and a half so they won’t have that much time to see each other again and she’ll be at school and that will be complicated. He laughs and replies :« I’ve only just come back and you’re already sad about what it’s going to be like in two weeks. Let’s enjoy what we have now first , shall we ?- Don’t make fun of me, she says with a smile- No but seriously, it’s going to be ok.How time flies, he thinks, looking back on the afternoon they spent on that pitch a few months ago. He could only have dreamed back then, of sitting in front of her while she talked about wanting to see him again in the coming weeks and months.

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Her phone rings and she answers right away as it is a call from her mother. Scared that she might be crossed because it’s getting late, Sana is surprised when her mother simply asks her if she intends on having dinner at home or eating out. She looks into Yousef’s eyes as she replies :« - I’m staying with Yousef Mama, we’ll eat together »His face lights up« - Can’t get enough of me, is that it ?- Shut up and find me a place to eat.- Yes Ma’am ! »She’s up before him and extends her hand to him to help him stand up. Just as he is about tto be fully standing, she lets go of his hand and laughs as he loses his balance and almost fall flat on his back. She can see him being a little bit shocked but before his ego can be hurt, her contagious laughter wins him over and she doesn’t have to wait long before he stops pouting and joins her.When they’ve calmed down, they decide to go to a kebab place not far from where they are.. While they wait to order, Yousef dares her to let him order for her. When she asks why on earth she should let him do that, he replies that he want to see if she still trusts him after all this time.“-All this time? You’ve only been gone 50 days Yousef.- Only? Only?! Wow. Only 50 days. Ok. Here I was thinking you had missed me but I see that I was wrong. I’ll leave you there if you don’t mind, I have an ego to repair and it might take some time.She is laughing too much to chase after him as he dramatically leaves the restaurant. She knows he will be back soon so when her time to order comes up next, she orders for him as well and goes to sit at a table in a corner. After a few seconds, she hears footsteps behind her and hears a voice saying:“- You didn’t even come after me. You didn’t even look outside the restaurant. I am hurt.- You didn’t even wait 5 minutes to come back.She turns around to face Yousef and his sad pout.- Seems like you’re the one who can’t get enough of me- No lies there, he replies as he sits down in front of herHis confession, which could barely pass as a joke, makes her blush which he notices right away. Of course.- Did I make you blush? Did I manage that? You’re flustered because of me!- Well you can talk! Go back and rewatch that video where you receive my call, you couldn’t even it or stand still!- We will not speak about that video again, he says in a mock-threatening way- Too bad, I thought you were cute in it.Before he has time to react, their orders arrive and he can only try to hide his own blush to the waiter.

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When they leave the restaurant, they naturally head towards Sana’ home. He doesn’t even ask if he can walk her home, he wants to spend as much time as possible with her. On the way back, they walk in silence. Their fingers brushing slightly, their eyes meeting regularly and their lips curving into smiles. Yousef thinks that he could walk to the end of the world with Sana by his side. He’s lost in her smiles and her dimples and her twinkling yes when he suddenly hears a sound similar to the flapping of wings next to him. He turns around with a slight jump and shrieks when he sees a huge seagull next to him, he steps back with fear and a loud “Oooh!!”. He doesn’t even have time to process his fear and what happened that Sana is already bent in two exploding with laughter.

There goes my walk to the end of the earth with her, he thinks as he tries to calm his heart.Unable to stop herself from laughing, Sana asks:“- Are you afraid of everything with wings or only seagulls and swans?- Hey! Swans are really scary ok? They can become violent and bite my fingers. And this seagull just surprised me , that’s all-Uh uh, sure, is all she can reply as she tries to regain her breath- It was huge Sana! And it landed right next to me!- It’s alright, you don’t have to be tough with me. Don’t hide your fear of birds. I accept you just as you are.- I am not afraid of birds- It’s ok, Yousef, I don’t judge you- Stop it- When did it start? I am genuinely curious. Were you attacked by a pigeon as a child?- Stop, I am hurtShe does stop teasing him but she doesn’t stop laughing qiuetly until they reach her door. He doesn’t mind the teasing. He doesn’t mind anything that come from Sana Bakkoush laughing.She turns around to face him and smiles. He smiles back and for a moment, they just stand there looking at each other.

Once again, they don’t need words to speak. Eyes do just fine. Eyes can say many things. They can say “I’m glad to be with you”. They can say “I wish we could stay together longer”. I can’t wait to see you again. I missed you. I am so happy to be near you. I wish I didn’t have to go back inside. I wish we could stay like this forever. I think you’re beautiful. I believe you’re the best thing that happened to me.Eyes can say I like you. They can even say more than that.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sana takes one step closer to him and says“Goodbye Yousef”He takes one step closer to her-“Goodbye Sana”They are almost touching nowShe brushes a curls away from his eyes and adds: “Goodnight”He seems starstruck for a second and before he has time to react, she is walking to the door. She looks back at him. He seems to be at loss for words and just smiles at her. She chuckles and waves at him before opening the door.Once she is back inside her room, she leans with her back to the door and whispers in the darkness and quiet of her room: “Be still my beating heart.”

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He gets distracted by her the next day when he is filming a video with the boys at Sana’s house to celebrate his return. He sees her moving round and he can’t concentrate on what the boys are saying which means he misses a lot of questions and gets teased a lot. The hardest part for him is when, after she catches up on what is happening, she comes and stands up right there in the door, in front of him. She isn’t just looking at him, he can see her laughing at what the boys are saying. But she’s so beautiful and he hasn’t seen her for so long (when you’ve been away from San Bakkoush for 50 days, an evening together is not enough to make up for lost time) that he feels like if he turns around she might disappear. He hears Elias telling the camera to excuse Yousef for being distracted as his sister is standing in front of them right now and the poor boy is so in love he can’t get his eyes away from her.

Sana laughs at that, announces that she is going back in her room and leaves. Yousef sighs and hopes she’ll come out before he leaves. He tries to focus on the video as if nothing happened but the boys do not stop teasing him and he suspects that they never will. He doesn’t mind really. Not when he is being teased about something that makes him so happy.

When they’ve finished filming their video, he sends her a text asking to come to the kitchen. He waits for her as he drinks juice. The boys are busy checking something with the camera so he hopes he can have a bit of time alone with her. He doesn’t notice her coming inside the room as he’s observing the boys. He hears a soft voice behind him saying:“-“Meet me in the kitchen”. I don’t know if I’ve told you before but I don’t really like people who think they can summon me whenever they want.”He turns around but she is smiling at him and he immediately feels better. He asks her if she slept well and she says that of course she did. She had troubles falling asleep as she was busy thinking about things but when she did fell asleep, it was very nice. He can guess by her smile that she couldn’t sleep because she was thinking about him. And he can’t think of a better feeling than being the one keeping Sana Bakkoush awake. Well, when it’s for good reasons and not when she is sick of course.- So you had a good evening then?- I had a great evening Yousef.- Good- GoodHe hears the boys calling him and she does as well so she tells him that she’ll see him again soon and goes back t her room before his friends have time to see her.

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And that’s how it goes on. They meet often, to walk around town, to eat together, to play basketball. Sometimes, they plan it. Sometimes it is random. Just a text or a call. “Are you doing anything right now?” “I’m meeting you I suppose?” “And you’re right”.Sometimes, it just happens that at the moment when Sana has to leave her home, Yousef has to go back home . Obviously, they don’t have anyone else to met except each other.

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One day, after spending the afternoon in town eating ice cream and fooling around as well as going to buy a present for Yousef’s mother’s birthday, as they are walking down the streets, they walk pass and open window form which a music can be heard. The song is one that Yousef likes a lot. Sana asks him what kind of songs he likes and they start talking about music. He takes his phone and headphones out to make her listen to his playlist. They keep on walking as they listen to the music.

At first, it starts as simply listening to the music and telling the other what they think about the song they’re listening to, but it soon turns into a sort of game. Yousef tries to make Sana lose her headphone by walking faster or distancing himself from her. When she understands what he is doing, she starts playing the same game. In the end, they don’t really listen to the music as they are too busy laughing.

At one point, Yousef almost walks into a pole, but he avoids it by making a slightly twisted jump that looks like a dance move to Sana. It makes her laugh, but at the same time it reminds her of that time she found him dancing in her living room. She’d like to see him dance again. She only realizes she said it out loud when he replies with surprise :- Really?- Uh well, you’re a good dancer and it just that it kind of looked like you were dancing when you avoided that pole and so it reminded me that you’re a dancer.- Haha, thank you Sana! Dancer might be a bit much though.If you want to see me again you’ll have to invite me to a party!

Before she has time to reply, her phone rings with the call to prayer. She hasn’t seen time running out.- Oh, we have to find you a place to pray!- What?She expected him to tell her that he would walk her home as they weren’t that far from her house.- Yes, we find you a place to pray so you don’t have to go back home right away.She smiles at his obvious desire to spend more time with her. They find a small little garden at the end of the street and, as she’s looking on her phone for the right orientation, she sees him taking his jacket off. When she asks him what he is doing, he replies ,as if it is obvious, that he is going to give her his jacket for her to pray on.- Really?- Well, you need something to pray on and you can’t use your own cardigan, it’s too delicate to put it on the ground.She hesitates but he’s already putting his jacket in her hand and walking away to give her space and peace.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He waits for her to finish, making sure that no one walks over to where she is.He slightly turns around to see Sana kneeling down and putting her forehead on the ground. On his jacket. He laughs to himself as he thinks of all these romantic comedies showing a boy giving his jacket to a girl when she’s cold. Here he is giving Sana his jacket to pray on. She probably wouldn’t accept his jacket even if she it was really cold. We’re a strange pair,he thinks, we’re one of a kind. She is one of a kind.She comes back when she has finished and hands him back his jacket neatly folded and he can see in her eyes that she is filled with a new kind of emotion. Seeing her so strong in her faith, he feels a sort of pride at the thought that this girl thinks he is good enough for her. Her faith is so beautiful, it shines through her. And it only makes him love her even more to see her so dedicated. She takes her phone out and tells him that it is now turn to listen to her playlist so she can teach him about real music.- “Real music? You seemed to enjoy my “fake” music before.- I didn’t hate it but wait until you listen to what I listen to. You are going to get your mind blown.

Instead of walking around, they sit on the grass and after a while he has to admit that her taste in music is indeed remarkable. The evening goes on until it’s time to go back home. As usual, he walks her back. And as usual, they stops in front of her door smiling at each other, staying silent for a little bit.- “I’ll send you a song to listen to before you go to bed when you’re inside.- Can’t you just tell me what it is now?- No, it’s a surprise!- Well I better hurry then, so I can listen to it.”

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When she has taken her hijab off and changed into her pajamas, she receives a link from Yousef to a 4 hours long track of lullabies with a simple messag that says “Sleep well”.A few seconds later, as she is till laughing, he sends her text with a link to Roo Panes’s Lullaby Love saying “The one before is really serious music but you should still listen to this one.”And she listens to it on repeat until she falls asleep dreaming of a sweet boy singing her a song about angels and love.

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One Saturday, Sana and the girls are wandering around in a park and laughing as they are enjoying the last weekend before school. They decide to settle on the grass near a fountain when Sana, who’s laughing with Chris, hears Vilde asking her-”Sana, isn’t that your brother with his friends?She turns in the direction Vilde is pointing at and ,indeed, here is her brother with Adam, Mutta, Mikael and…- “Oh, Yousef is here as well!”

Sana is now thinking back to the conversation she had with Elias this morning. He asked her if she would be at home all day as he was planning on shooting a new video with the boys. She had told him she had plans with the girls and would be out all day. He had been insistent and asked her where she would be. When she told him she didn’t know exactly what they were going to do, he replied:- “Come on Sana, you always have at least an idea of where you’re going!- OK, we’re thinking of going to the park .- Which park?- The one near Chris’s house.- Great! Great idea!- Why are you so interested?- I’m paying attention, you should be thankful .- Yeah, right. “

Now she understands that he was planning on surprising her and meeting her “by luck” with his friends. She takes the lead as they walk towards the group of boys.

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Yousef is sitting next to Mutta, his eyes semi closed, enjoying the sun on his face, not really listening to whatever Elias and Mikael are arguing about. He feels Mutta nudging his side and without opening his eyes, asks:“- What is it?”- Look! “

He finally opens his eyes and follows the direction Mutta is pointing at to see something he did not expect at all. Someone actually. Sana. Sana and her friends. He sits up right away. What is she doing here? She told him she couldn’t see him today because she was with her friends and now she’s walking towards him and the boys. With her 4 friends on both sides of her, he thinks she looks like a princess in company of her ladies in waiting. Her stride is assured and she’s walking straight to Elias. After slightly glancing his way and smiling at him (a smile that he did not return like a lost puppy seeing his master again whatever Mutta might say in his ear), she stops in front of her brother who looks at her with a smile that Yousef can only qualify as trying to be innocent.

“-"I’m paying attention, you should be thankful”, she says with an exaggerated tone- Hello sister! And sister’s friends!- Hello Elias!- Hello boys!- What a coincidence! What are the odds of you going to the same park I mentioned going to this morning?- Indeed sister what are the odds?”Yousef starts to understand what is going on- “So that’s why you insisted on us going outside when we arrived at your place? You wanted us to meet Sana? He asks Elias- Aren’t you happy to see Sana? asks Mikael with a smile- What a stupid question, of course I am! I am just wondering why Elias set this up.- Seems to me like he wanted to see the two of you together, says Sana’s friend, Eva, pointing at Sana and then at him.-What?? Sana and Yousef turn to Elias at the same time- You are two of my favourite peope why would I not want to see you at the same time?- Stop the bullshit, Elias- Sana can you really blame us for wanting to see you and Yousef together? Asks mikael.- We wanted to see the cuteness and tease the two of you. So get ready, says Mutta- I like your brother’s friend Sana, says Chris- Really? Cool! Mutta stands up to high five Chris- Well, now that we are together, we should do something together! Exclaims Sana’s friend Vilde. Let’s go buy an ice cream!Everyone agrees without waiting for Sana or Yousef to give their opinion and the group starts walking away from the fountain.

He goes up to Sana to assure her that he had no idea about Elias’ plan to reunite them.-“It’s alright Yousef, I don’t mind- It’s just that you were enjoying your time with your friends so…- I’m starting school on Monday, which means I’ll see them everyday.It’s ok if you distract me a little from them.- Good!“

He tries to stays next to Sana as they walk but he is soon forced to stay with Sana’s friend as they apparently need to tell him something really important. Turns out they simply want to know how it’s going between him and Sana. They don’t seem really noisy. More concerned and curious that everything is going well for their friend. Eva asks him about his feelings for her wondering how long he has been crushing on her- Uh, I’m not sure I can tell you that;- Oh come on ! We won’t tell her, we promise! Says Vilde- Why should I trust you?- Hey, we are her friends ! Says Chris- We are really happy that you two are happening, it’s so nice to see Sana smiling so much and being happy! You two are made for each other!- That’s why they’re soulmates Eva! Says Vilde- Soulmates?Did he hear that right?- Did Sana say that?- Uh no, you did, replies Eva- What? I never told her…Wait a minute, Noora!He turns to face the girl who apparently told everyone his secret.- You told them?- No she told Sana! Replies Vilde- Ok, says Noora, don’t freak out, but yes she knows you texted me and she knows what you said.- You told her about the texts??Yousef doesn’t think he ever felt as embarrassed as he does now. Freaking about about a swan or a seagull in front of Sana is nothing compared to this- Well, I showed them to her actually.- So she has read every single one of them?- Yes but don’t worry Yousef they were all super cute!! exclaims Vilde- But still… What do I look like now?- Well, she is still talking to you so that’s what matters! Says ChrisHe looks in front of him at Sana who is laughing at one of Mutta’s joke. So she knows. She knows the extent of his feelings for her and instead of running away because of how strong they are (the only reason why he hasn’t told her yet), she is still there. Which means there’s a chance her feelings for him might be as strong as his for her and he suddenly feels as though he could fly.

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On Monday, Sana is starting school again for her last year of high school. Chris told her she would pick her up before heading to school so they could meet the girls and arrive together to mark the occasion. She is excited at the prospect of it being her last year but she also knows that this year is going to be hard and will demand her full investment.

She steps out of the building but instead of finding Chris waiting for her at the door, she finds Yousef . She stops in her tracks. What on earth is he doing here?- Hello Sana! Ready to start school?- Hi! Are you meeting with Elias?- This early? I’m here for you.- For me?- Yeah, I thought you might like me to walk you to school as it’s the first day and everything.She would love that but she can’t let the girls down, she knows it means a lot to them that they start the year together.- I am sorry Yousef but… Chris should be here any minute now, I’m meeting the girls before going to school. But I would’ve loved to go to school with you! I just have other plans.- Do you really?- Yes, I told you, the girls…At this moment, her phone signals her that she has a new text. It’s from the girls’ group chat, a message from Chris saying “Enjoy your surprise, we’ll meet you in front of the school!”.- Wait, they organized this?- Actually, I wanted to do it so I thought I’d check with them at what time you start and if you usually walked to school with one of them and they came up with the idea to make you believe that Chris would pick you up. Are you happy?- I am…, she can’t finish her sentence as she is smiling too wide. I am really happy Yousef!

She immediately sends a text to the girls: “THANK YOU”. Once she has put her phone in her pocket, she looks up at Yousef and hugs him slightly. He is surprised at first but hugs her back and laughs. She is trying to not show how giddy she feels at the thought of walking to school with him. This is so official. People are going to see them together. People of her school, that she doesn’t know will know about one of the most precious thing in her life. And she doesn’t really mind right now!On the way to school, he makes her laugh with stories about Elias and the boys in high school. When they arrive near the school, she can see the girls looking at them from afar and waving at her. She is excited to start school but at the same time she wishes that it didn’t start so early so she could spend a little bit longer with Yousef.-Thank you for walking with me this morning.- Thank you for agreeing to walk with me.- Well, I couldn’t say no after all the efforts the girls had put into it, could I ?- Ouch Sana!- Did you think I actually enjoyed your company?- Pretend all you want, I know you do! Have a good first day of school Sana, I hope you only get the best teachers.- I have a feeling that won’t happen but thank you. It was very nice this morning.- Likewise- Bye then!As she turns around, he grabs her hand and says:- Just want to ask you something, it won’t take long- What is it?- Are you over Stephen Curry now?- I was not expecting that! She laughs- Hey I just want to know who you’re going to marry, that’s all!- Well, know this: I’ve been over him for a long time now. A few months I’d say.As he gets the biggest smile on his face, she leaves him to meet her friends.

[metamorphosingbrick]

One last time

st He is back and i have no clue whow to deal with the vaccum. I have no feelings but my heart starts beating really fast. I dont want to care to be honest but the truth cannot be denied. It feels awfully bad to not have what you desire and that person living under the same roof. 

This is probably the last time i will mention anyone, anything- I will probably stay silent. Choose to stay quiet in the lot and be on my own. I want to be the girl i was who when someone ignored, went right upto them to remind them that I gnore your more than he ignored me. 

I wish to be the fearless girl who once in office just knew that every problem has a solution and it cannot be justified if someone did not come up with one. Live is much difficult around here to give two fucks to be honest. 

I want to validate every thought but not with you anymore. I have greater things to do and more important things to take care of. So, i am going to just study and get done with my part of the job. The main idea is to not lose focus and concentrate as much as possible in my life. 

We all fall apart but giving up is not an option. We don’t give up on situations because every problem has a solution. Studies are better than exam - they love you if you love them dearly. Better than cigarettes which does not ruin your health or wealth. You say no to them and a no means no. Anxiety or no anxiety, it does not make sense if one has to deliver eveything by themselves. Every task on this face of earth is doable. 

Except making a person love you or care for you. Stay silent and that’s all which can be regarded. Just shut yourself down and you’ll know how many things you notice and observe 

We cannot take into account the beauty of concealing the scars. What we can regard as important is the emrgence of understanding the dept of the wound and how things can be responded in accordnace to that. The wounds will be lovely in the skin, a gush of invisible blood - pouring into the ears of people. It is the expectation and desire of human which makes a person hover over the flat surface and cry out loud for the point it is required to make. The dramatic dilemma added into the soil can be understood wth the tears flushed down the drain. 

This is a situation i cannot run over in my head but simply behave with the flow. The love is incurable disease which once entered our heart - it shuts logic down. It becomes inexplicable to the people in front with the idea of incurabiliy and no ray of hope or no light in the end of the tunnel. We can rejoice with the choices made over the past or just accept the incurability of the situation. It is a virus which runs through our blood and probably an external blow of injection can cure the disease. The crying or leaking your feelings over others will make things worst. This year has already taught me so many lessons, it becomes a beautiful journey in itself to enjoy and ponder on. 

Starting from the new year’s eve, the night where i wrapped myself with a human who was no stranger to my heartbeats and enjoyed the power he had over me. The fun and frolic a person feels when they have the other perosn over their impression is a beautiful feeling. I know because i am no starnber to the spell myself. It’s an unconscious thing. Trying ot handle every part of my asisgnment which coudl not be caotured in the rear view of the situation but alas, i lost the hope and faith. But from 16th I reconquered myself with the amount of life i need to breathe in a few justification of success. A thridt to prve myself my value and if i see a hollistic view, the pang and animosity will take me noweher but breaking the jedgements of peopel and the fun of tastig success will be my endeavour. I will recapture every battle i lose wih the grace of god and balance my life the way i want it to go. Not wasting more than 10 minutes talking. Not bothering about anybdy exceot the people i really care aboutlike my family. Not talking and wasting time over love and bullshit. There is no thing as love. What someone said recently to me, was the idea of being emotionally stable which is important. If someone can be logical and practical in controlling their emotions- they win the battles in life and rule the world. When i pass this course, i will rule over the world and enjoy my life to the fullest like everyday is my last. 

The most achieveable things is what you dream and if you can dream it, you can do it. Finishing everyday goals through taking action and making the world a better place by contributing your ideas for betterment. I know no guy will be with me until i learn to be with myself. At that time i was ready to be with myself hence somoene could love me. I was willing to help through the process to myself and heart break was not a big deal to run through. 

You see yourself, 5 years down the line. I can see a heart broken girl who has hidden her feelings and emotions inside her files and papers. A very cynical individual who does not beleieve in stopping the wheel, who believes in breaking the wheel and asking people to run behind her in every sense. People will treat ourselves as we treat us, if i treat myself with repsect - people will do the same. If i am all work and no play then they will take me serously, how difficult is it, to make things different without context. One thing i have learnt firstly in this house more because of steoehn is how to ignore things whenever possible. Ignoring people followed by ignoring the person’s feelings. But no more, i will treat myself according to the time gifted to me by the universe. Utilise every bit of it and relish the ideas to make myself a better human my parents would be proud of. It’s true when maa said that when things go wrong, they blame the mothers and daughters themselves. Each day i will remind myself of all teh sufferings i went through to be a part of this universe. the anxiety and horror of the situation which i faced just to emerge enlightened and loved by myself. I will commit from today onwards to my books and career because it wont wake up one morning and say i dont like you like that anymore or god wanted this to happened and leave. I will have a stable guy who i dont love and be independent of all the needs and desires. 

From today onwards, i will talk less and less possible and work more and more as i advance. No give a shit about what people feel and just do my work like laying the brick mostly perfectly as a brick can be laid. The watch is the time keeper which will witness my chnage and sing with joy in every success melody. I will talk more logical and insightfully by doing homeowrk and keeping lists.

The world is there to eatch you and not punish you. Just the humans are not believeable and not worth spending time about. My phone and anxiety will be doble tapped to knock out. The peron beside me will hear no voice of mine untill - he or she thins i am intimidating. The world would be a different place and I would be a different perosn. The one who just talks when required and every word would make more sense to everyone that they will quote me. That is how i want to be, knwoledgeable and bold, Who cannot be hurt or bend over to have fun with or bullied to the point where she shuts and reflects on her decisions. There will be no advancement in the issues anymore and everything i say will be taken seriously with the idea that my words add value to the world. Be it James or Stephen, nobody can come cose to the idea because i wont be scraed or timid or expressive anymore but bold, fearless and unapproachable. We all change and become the humans we were destined to be, I will be the same and i will be successful in everything i touch because i will lay the brick as perfectly a brick can be laid to build the wall around me to not let people see my emotions.I will be that person quite soon. We come into the world with a purpose, when someone is earning money, nobody cares to ask the rank because its evident that money is equal to a high rank. I will recah that rank very soon and accomplish what i have came here to accomplish. In the coming months, I will talk less without emotions getting involved, pull my guards up and not talk that i will regret and stay away from Stephen. laugh and smile less to the point where people see a serious face. The interesting thing wil always be how people thought i was the fool who understood nothing but i will turn out to be the branie. Yes, this reuqires practise but learning the hard way - we change ourseleves and becime who we were destined to become. No talkings and not caring what they say about you - we are the real deal. I can visualise my tomorrow starting to end the Agile framework by 3 and lseeping till 7 am to wake up and go for a run for 15 mins and yoga for 10 minutes with stretch and surya namaskar - this goes with a bath and then leaving for college to work on the case study. I will discuss and put forward right points to the meeting and make james think and go yes. I will conquer tomorrow’s discussion. Post meeting i will start off iwth the 5th and 6th prt of agile by 4pm. Sit with Shalu from 4 to 6 to start my campaign on marketing for movies. Make a logo and download adobe to create an instagram channel talking weekly themes and genres and wriitng how it could have been marketed differently. How movie marketing can be started off with the blend of digital media and outdoor campaigns. best of movie outdoor campaigns- best ambient movie ad- how can you apply it too ypur shirt documentary - collab with documentary. Then come back home to read the questions and answers to explore the qestions in the website. This can be followed by reading up all the questions and answers in the leaflet to understand the frameworks and agile techniques again. tomorrow i wont be clulesless and thisis exactly how the day wil go and I will learn to do smart work. this would make me regret less about my existence as i am in control of every frame of the situation. Love the way you can behave and make things better ofr good of the people. DOnt forget to eat fruits and not smoke and pray to god for such a life. You are talented and gifted but the actions you atke now, the future self will be proud of you. Beautiful in every way possible. Love you and love your ideas. Talk less, remember to control your emotions and not react to everything. You protect yourself and if you mean no harm to anyone then yes, you should not feel bad about anything. I love you a lot