#because josé mourinho

[waitingforasong]

[copperbadge]

I try not to put too much footie on this tumblr, but it’s matchday for AS Roma and I can’t stop laughing. Traditionally players arrive in suits at the stadium, which means a group of athletic young men in Italian couture...

Followed by their manager, The Tiredest Man In Football, apparently. 

[ID: Four photographs of AS Roma players arriving for matchday; all are dressed in fitted black suits, with well-coiffed hair, some with designer bags. Clockwise from top left they are Pellegrini, Zalewski and Bove, Matic, and El Shaarawy. The fifth image, taken last, shows their coach José Mourinho, one of the most renowned managers in football, in a white Roma branded t-shirt, a wrinkled hoodie, scruffy five o’clock shadow, and uncombed hair.] 

[immortaltale]

klopp on his instagram:

Ed Sheeran wanted a photo with me! (laughs) It sounds strange. I know Ed Sheeran, crazy ... I was quickly told that my public relevance would quickly dwindle, which I viewed rather positively. And I told myself it would be good if the public knew something every now and then. Then, you have to pay attention to what you say. At the same time, we hired a media lawyer to tell everyone, people, to leave your private life alone. We had drones over our house. All that nonsense makes you think, guys, you can't really be interested in this. So you have to give everyone a quick slap on the wrist and say, is there no such thing as privacy. But then at the same time you go to Instagram. As for me, you can still take pictures of me in swimming trunks, which would be uncool, but I think it's still allowed. But not family at all. That's why we had to follow a few rules. It's funny, the real news is that over the last 25 years, we haven't changed at all as a family other than getting older, but the world around us has gone completely crazy. And for a while I didn't notice how the world had changed. When we returned to our private lives, we realized, oops, we have to set up rules, and at the same time show we are still alive. And that happens via Instagram. Then I discovered that José Mourinho also has Instagram, and then I wanted to grab him. And then he moves to Fenerbahçe, the scumbag... so you can't get it anymore. I'll have to get in somewhere again. Otherwise, I have nothing to do with it, as we clinically clean it 35 times before anything comes out.

klopp on his private life:

We are looking for peace, we are looking for normality. We have to get used to the people and the people [have to] get used to us. 9 years of Liverpool means you drive two routes in your car: the training ground and the stadium. My car doesn't know any other routes. We're just now getting people used to us, we get out normally. I just have to get through it now. I haven't given many autographs for a while now, which was absolutely pleasant. Autograph hunters just waiting for me to come, oh God... And that's also a reason why I don't do it anymore (laughs). It can be said that autograph 1 is a little more fun than autograph 8 million, 267 thousand. It's a [gesture of] appreciation, it's all cool, I get that too. It was time for me to step aside, the last 4 months in Liverpool were just too intense, the attention I got was way too much. People camped outside our farm gate, throwing teddy bears over the fence, that's a really big [show of] appreciation. This is super difficult for a person to understand, digest, process. That's why the relief that it was over was great, and not because I wanted to leave. The situation simply had to be resolved. The farewell took a relatively long time and was very intense.

klopp on his life's structure:

I am a very structured person, I get up early, and then I'm really happy when I can do something. I have a personal trainer. That means it starts at 7 or 8 AM for me. I just want to take another look, give this old body one last push. Not to look better, but to be upright... I met a lot of people last night who were upright at 80 years old. Erich Rutemöller will soon be 80, we were so happy to see him. Many people have obviously managed it well and that is the plan for me too, it's a little bit about that now. The structure is there. But usually [there is] none, because the grandchild somehow decides when he sleeps and when he can be played with again. And that's why it's all good, no one has to worry about it.

[killa-trav]

Delusional Horner is tarnishing the whole sport of Formula One

Red Bull principal is rivalling José Mourinho for gracelessness, Matthew Syed writes.

Lewis Hamilton was robbed. I think we should make that plain at the start of this column. I emphasise this because Christian Horner and Max Verstappen of Red Bull decided to boycott Sky Sports after one of their reporters used this word in relation to the finale of the 2021 season, after a controversial safety car restart in the last moments of the race. Even the FIA, the sport’s governing body, admits that this was a significant error from the race director.

So, permit me to say it again: Hamilton was robbed. If the rules had been correctly applied, he would now have an eighth world title. If the race director had done his job, Mercedes would boast another champion. Horner may now be pondering whether to ban The Times, and perhaps The Sunday Times too, on the basis of this assertion. If so, it won’t be long before Red Bull are avoiding all press outlets, and perhaps all social media too. Because “robbed” is the way most people think about that incident. This doesn’t imply that Hamilton was robbed by Horner or Verstappen — it just means that he was denied what was rightfully his, which is pretty much the textbook definition of the term.

But there’s another aspect to the controversy that has engulfed Formula One over the past few weeks. We now know that Red Bull broke the rules in the amount they spent last season. There is a limit set by the FIA and all teams sign up to remain within this envelope, but one team failed to do so. The amount of the overspend is — according to both the FIA and Red Bull, who accepted the verdict of the governing body — £1.864 million, amounting to 1.6 per cent of the budget, set at £114 million. This may not sound like a lot, but in a sport where margins are measured in factions, it might have been decisive.

So not only did Horner and his team benefit from a poor decision by a steward, in violation of the rules, they were also the beneficiaries of their own breach, albeit — they claim — an inadvertent one. So, let’s go back to Hamilton again: was he robbed? Is the terminology in keeping with what we know about the facts? I think most reasonable people will say “yes”. Indeed, it seems rather delusional to deny this, as Horner has sought to do.

But this isn’t the end of the matter. Zak Brown, the chief executive of McLaren, pointed out that when teams breach their spending limits, it amounts to “cheating”. “The cap is a rule, no different to the technical rules in the sport,” he said. “We feel it’s a performance benefit if someone has spent more than the allocated cost cap.” The word cheating is quite strong in this instance, but many people will agree with it. At the very least, Red Bull’s actions represented the gaining of an unfair advantage. Every other team was carefully audited and stayed within the agreed limits.

Yet Horner was scandalised by this terminology too. He claims that the breach was an oversight and had no performance effect, but this is a curious argument. If you exceed a budget, you presumably benefit from doing so, otherwise what is the point of the cap in the first place? Moreover, when it comes to breaching these (or any other) rules, it is surely important that the miscreants face reputational damage. Horner wants the payment of a fine — $7 million (about £6.07 million), to be exact — and reduction of permitted research to be the end of it, but that is too easy an escape route for a team awash with money. Social stigma is crucial for any rule to have teeth but this is what Horner is unwilling to accept.

And here we move from the regrettable to the surreal. Instead of owning up to his error, Horner has lashed out on those who have dared to criticise him. At a press conference last week, he said that the censure Red Bull has received has undermined his team’s “mental health” and has led to the children of staff being “bullied” in the playground. I had always thought that José Mourinho was the ultimate in gracelessness under pressure (to invert Ernest Hemingway’s quote) but Horner has taken it to a new level. How dare the Red Bull principal deploy sensitive moral issues such as bullying and mental health to deflect from his own rule-breaking.

If there are mental health issues at Red Bull as a result of their rule breach, the responsibility lies with them and them alone; not with those who have criticised them. To say otherwise is an Alice in Wonderland inversion, a gaslighting of those who stayed within budget. Like Mourinho at his worst, Horner is willing to blame everyone else, to distort reality, even to boycott those with whose opinions he disagrees, to sustain the pretence that everything Red Bull does is pure and it is only the ill intent of others that obscures this fact.

And, on the wider point, what of the mental health of the teams who have worked diligently to stay within the agreed budget? What about the drivers whose ambitions have been thwarted by Red Bull’s overspending? What about people with genuine mental health issues whose difficulties have been trivialised by Horner’s self-serving cant?

What makes this worse is that Horner is the first to point the finger at others when things don’t go his way. Remember at Silverstone when he lashed out at Hamilton after the clash with Verstappen, calling the British driver “desperate” and “completely out of order”? Remember when Horner savaged a “rogue marshal” after Verstappen received a grid penalty for failing to respect double yellow flags in qualifying at the Qatar Grand Prix? I could go on.

The older one gets, the more one realises that it is not winning that matters in life, but the way one conducts oneself. Horner may have won both the drivers’ and constructors’ championships this season but in his manner and example, he is tarnishing not only his team but F1, too. You might even — at the risk of a fresh boycott — call him a loser.

BY MATTHEW SYED

[protect-daniel-james]

WIP asks: what is your oldest? What is the one you will probably never finish?

Omg, do unfinished chaptered fics count?

AO3 tells me the oldest non-finished chaptered fic is Silent Freeway, an Alex Turner/Miles Kane fic from ancient times. I am kinda ashamed of it now, because ultimately it was too much for me to write about - I chose the light topics of mental health and psychosis with my poor English skills, and obviously it was a pain in the ass to write in the end. I wasn't brave enough to go back and read it but I can imagine the shit I wrote back in 2016 in English. It was too much drama for the sake of drama, no characterisation, no reasonable behavior... I will definitely never finish that one. I'm not that much into Milex, and the whole story seems childish today.

Fun fact - it has over 11 000 words making up 11 chapters. Yes, 11 chapters. Which means about 1 000 words per chapter (I was so proud of it back then, lmao). Good old days. Nowaydays I write a 11 000 word fic about Inzaghi brothers fucking.

WIP which I might actually finish one day is definitely Let's fade together, let's fade forever. No football. Historical Figures RPF combining two of my favorite fruity couples from late 18th century, Alex Hamilton/John Laurens and Frederick II/Hans Hermann von Katte. As the tag says, I imagine Heaven as a waiting room. A waiting room where Laurens and von Katte meet and talk and wait for their loved ones. I think it was a nice lil' idea, a fic that became known as "sad gays in heaven". Yeah, it is still rather naive and silly looking back, but I am still quite proud of that one. It's literally missing one chapter.

My problem is I get too excited about a new thing, and I am able to produce quite quickly a new fic when I am excited. A planned out multichaptered fic even. But then, the excitement fades - either because I find a more interesting new thing, or because the response is non-existent, and I see that something I was excited about and cared about isn't really interesting "to the outside". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to count kudos and comments because I know that the ships and themes I write about are very niche (I am well aware that if I write a Pedri/Gavi fic, it would get to 200-300 kudos, if I write a Grizione fic, it would be around 50, but if I write about Unai Emery, there will be like 5) - but even with this awareness, if a fic I truly was excited about doesn't really get a response, I just don't feel motivated to prioritise it, work on the next chapter, or write something about the pairing again (unless it's Unai and Football, because those fics I take as a form of experience, exploration, and almost academic work so I don't care if y'all aren't reading those; they are for me to explore the unexplored. although it's nice when people read and comment on them, and want to discuss its topics, obviously).

When it comes to unpublished WIPs, I don't really have many of those because I tend to start my WIPs when excited and then I usually work quickly (unless it's literally a 10 000+ words fic like the yacht fic or like the Inzaghicest one might be). One that I promised to do was a Henderson/Stevie G in Saudi Arabia engaging in bad, sleazy, desperate sex because they have no clue what they are doing there, but I haven't really started to work on that.

I started working on a Mourinho/Abramovich fic (with a flavour of Abramovich/Sheva).

"Mr. Abramovich - " José made a significant pause, spread out his hands over the edge of the desk that separated him from the addressed man. "I know you like him. Is easy to see." For a moment not a single muscle in Abramovich's face moved. Then, his eyebrows rose up, and he tilted his head, smiling; not just smiling but amused at such a simple yet daring statement. "Is it?" he asked, although José wasn't completely sure about the wording. It might have been just a simple, bemused repetition of the word he himself used to describe his reading of the situation - easy.

I think it's now the oldest actual draft that I have, but it's only 2 months old lmao. As I said, I finish my fics pretty quickly (after all, I usually write directly in AO3 - believe me, I did regret it a few times), and the one month due date on drafts works miracles.

[cant-get-no-worse]

Sometimes I blink and remember a web weaving of Pep Guardiola and José Mourinho gathered some 700 notes or smth then resume my day as normal because I know deep down there are worst things happening in the pits of ao3, of which tumblr can only pretend to barely scratch the thin, frail surface.

[thommi-tomate]

Interview with Harry Kane pt2

By: Kicker

Thomas Tuchel went to great lengths to win you over to FC Bayern. How were you convinced?

Thomas told me his ideas about where he sees me in the team, what we need and how I can improve the team. He invested a lot - and that impressed me.

The arrival, the signing late at night, your debut in the unsuccessful Supercup against Leipzig. How would you describe your first 48 to 72 hours in Munich?

It was hectic, to say the least. When I arrived here, it was straight into team training, then on Sunday we had the press conference - it was a lot. I've never experienced how a transfer works, so I probably didn't realize how much was involved, but in some ways it was a great experience. From the moment I arrived to the moment I sat on the bench in the arena 24 hours later ... It was like a whirlwind, but I really enjoyed it. I had everyone here, my parents, my brother, my wife, the kids. It was cool for them to see and experience it too.

How do you deal with this hype?

I appreciate the support of the fans and the hype surrounding it, but I don't let it influence my work. I know exactly what I can do and how I can help the team and the club. I trust in my abilities, that's what I focus on. With big transfers, sometimes players come in who are desperate to impress and might get injured in the process. For me, it was all about training well and recovering. Recovery is hugely important for me, I try to relax and stay calm - and not do too much outside of training.

You were coached by José Mourinho, Antonio Conte and Mauricio Pochettino. What distinguishes Thomas Tuchel?

Every coach is different in their own way. Thomas has great tactical ideas and knows how he wants to play. He brings a good energy and passion when he's in the changing room. I like to listen and learn. Thomas and I talk a lot about football, we talk about the games and what he needs from me. Whether it's for me to drop lower or stay higher, because at the end of the day we want the same thing. We want to win the championship and the Champions League. The more we talk to each other and the more we try to help each other, the better chance we have of achieving that.

What is still missing to fully meet the coach's expectations?

You can't play a perfect game every week for a whole season. With Leverkusen playing so well this year, it looks like we're not playing that well. But it's been one of our best starts to the season for many years. We have to remain patient. We also have one more game up our sleeve. I have the feeling that the team is very hungry and we have to show that in the coming games, especially at the end of the season when the really important games are coming up in March and April.

A lot has gone well this season, but not everything. After the cup exit in Saarbrücken, when you didn't play after a blow to the knee, there was talk in England of the curse of Harry Kane. How do you rate your chances of winning the championship and triumphing in the Champions League?

I think if you look at the Champions League now and look at the teams, Bayern Munich is probably one of the top three favorites to win. As you've seen in recent years, it's not always the best team that wins, it depends on a lot of factors. I always have the feeling that you have to have a run in the Champions League and I hope we can get the ball rolling against Lazio

Have you ever heard of the "Final dahoam"?

No, not really.

It's the Champions League final "at home". Would that be the final for you this year at Wembley? Or next year in Munich?

I'd take either of them, or both! I don't care whether it's at Wembley or the Allianz Arena. For me it would be both finals at home, so to speak.

In the Bundesliga, there will always be comparisons with Robert Lewandowski, who has broken what feels like every record in recent years and left you with big shoes to fill, so to speak. Have you already written to him to tell him that you are chasing his records and that he should dress warmly?

I met him a few times, once on a commercial shoot and once we bumped into each other at the airport. He's done an incredible amount for the club. But regardless of Lewandowski, whoever has set records at the club before you - of course you try to get the best out of yourself, set your own records and break them. But I don't think about these things. I just want to play, the media and the fans can talk about everything else. Robert rightly has an extremely high status here, he has set the bar high. It's been a good start for me. And when we get to March or April, I'll hopefully be a bit closer to his records

Alan Shearer holds the record as the top scorer in the Premier League with 260 goals. You are 47 goals short. Will you tackle this challenge one day?

I'm really proud of the number of goals I've scored in the Premier League, but breaking that record was never my ultimate goal. The closer I got to the mark in recent years, the more often I talked about it, of course, but we'll have to wait and see. Who knows what will happen in the future. I'm here at Bayern now, I've signed a four-year contract - and that's what I'm concentrating on.

In your opinion, what are the key differences between the Premier League and the Bundesliga?

In the Bundesliga, more teams try to play out from the back; more teams press, sometimes playing man-to-man. So the spaces are a bit bigger, which we can exploit if we bring our pace into the game. Maybe there's a bit more structure in the Premier League; a few more teams defending in the block. As for the atmosphere, it's fantastic in Germany, very different to the Premier League.

As captain of the national team, how do you see England's chances at this summer's European Championship?

We have a good chance. The team has had some good experiences in recent years, and we reached the final at the last European Championship (2:3 in the final against Italy). I have the feeling that we can play a good role at this European Championship. As always with tournaments, it depends on certain aspects. It's been a long time since England won a trophy. As players, we have to try and change that.

What about the German national team?

I think Germany will be strong. I know there's a lot of talk about it here and the fans might be worried, but I think they have a really good team. As an Englishman, I would never underestimate Germany anyway. Especially at home, they'll do everything they can to impress their fans and give something back.

What responsibility do you have as captain?

The fact that I'm now playing here in Germany is a valuable experience that I hope I can pass on to the team. I want to set a good example on the pitch, in training and in matches.

Speaking of captaincy: is that something you aspire to here at Bayern, or does it - if so - just happen?

It just happens. We have a few leaders in the team, so it depends on the coach and the club. If there's ever a game where our captains can't play, I'd be very proud to wear the armband for this club. But I'm not thinking about that at the moment. Whether I'm captain or not, I'm always the same. I always train the same, speak the same, play the same - and that won't change.

There is the famous photo of you as a child with David Beckham, who was also England captain and went through a rollercoaster of emotions in this role. He also reacted to your goal from the halfway line against Darmstadt with a wink on Instagram. What does Beckham mean for English football?

Beckham was a big idol of mine when I was growing up. He was the captain of the national team. He was who I wanted to be as a child. And he was a great role model. We're always in touch and have met up a few times. For example, he congratulated me when I joined FC Bayern. Hopefully we can invite him to Munich to watch a game one day - that would be really nice.

Today, Beckham is co-owner of Inter Miami. Where do you see yourself in ten years' time?

Also a good question. I'll be 40 in ten years' time. Who knows ... I want to play football for as long as my body and mind allow. I just enjoy it so much and I don't want it to stop. Maybe I can still play when I'm 40. I like the USA, I spend a lot of time there. But I've also thought about the NFL and that I might want to continue there. We'll see. But I don't think I want to work as a coach, for example, although many players tell me that you think differently about it as you get older and towards the end of your career.

Franz Beckenbauer once said that he never wanted to be a coach - and he became a great coach.

Look at this. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few years.

[liesmyth]

10 & 19 for the choose violence ask game

10. worst part of fanon

The worst part of fanon is always and forever the one fanon that people forget is fanon and start to take for granted and lowkey expect and everything becomes echo-chamber and dull. Even when it's fanon I used to like! A variety of takes is necessary for the proliferation of a healthy fandom ecosystem.

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

I thought about it long and hard because I really truly genuinely have 0 shame — literally yesterday someone went on a long tangent in my DMs about Oasis incest RPF and I was like, oh neat! Tell me more! (there's a primer)

So the bar for “ashamed” is quite high. HOWEVER. I think the answer is gonna have to be the José Mourinho / Pep Guardiola webweaving edit that first crossed my dash a couple of months ago. I laughed about it at first but now I see the vision (the vision: it's like the sports RPF equivalent of old man yaoi) but I AM lowkey horrified @ myself for the necessary implications of having to consider P** in a sexual context.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

Fanfic WIP word any or all? (Not gonna lie, doubt I would find comfort in any of mine).

comfort

bed

suck

some of these are from fics that are ANCIENT or that people don't even know exist, hahaha

all i have is "comforting"/comfortable, so let's see:

“Shut the door before you say anything like that again,” José says.  “And lock the fucking thing, would you?”

José waits for the comforting sound of the lock before he speaks again. (from my poor mourinho/granit WIP that i'd love to finish but maybe never will)

-

Geri wakes up in the middle of the night thirsty.  He goes and grabs a glass of water from this new kitchen and shuffles back to bed.  He’s still mostly-asleep but even in this state there’s something just a little bit uncomfortable in the room.  It’s not a mystery what it is, not to him.  It’s him getting used to new breathing. (my infamous shakira/sergio serard revenge pegging fic)

-

He and Mladen always wind up sharing a room when they have an away game. “Look at this shit,” they like to joke. “Sticking all the Balkan guys together.” But really, it’s nice to have a friend with the same background playing for Basel with him. They feel extra comfortable together. Maybe that’s why Mladen’s always fucking with him on the bus, asking him to rub his legs. (from my uhhhh...ivan rakitić coming of age fic shall we call it)

bed:

Granit had thought Milot was asleep.  He’d seemed asleep and the clock on Erdin’s cable box says 3:30 AM.  But he’s suddenly sitting up on the mattress and cracking his knuckles, and then reaching behind him to pull on the sweaty t-shirt of Granit’s that he wears to bed when Granit wants him to, and then—Granit holds his breath because now his sweet little boyfriend is reaching under his pillow and grabbing his gun.  The mattress lurches as he gets up, and Granit’s stomach lurches with it. (a flashback chapter of dangerous AU, where we see when granit start to get the xhaka fam properly established in london)

-

The bedroom is big and the bed bigger. If John were here Frank would make some joke about how many women he could fit in it, and John, good friend that he was, would be gracious enough to tell him just save some for me while I'm out getting the drinks, Lamps! (10022)

-

Footballers talk a whole lot, he thinks, flopping down on his new couch in his new home in his new-old city.  They say a lot about how early they have to go to bed.  And it’s all bullshit no matter who’s saying it.  Like Luka.  Luka’s nocturnal—Dejan knows this well from how many times he offers to send Luka photos of his dick in the dead of night.  Like Domo—from how many times he offers the same to Dejan at some hour when only the devil is awake.  And—

Just after 1am in Lyon.  Just after midnight in Liverpool. (new movren based on that article/interview from the spring)

-

“Hey, Granit can go off and be some English dude’s little sugar baby,” Nedim laughs.  “A little fish and chips, a little dick sucking, then we’ll have an extra bed.” (dangerous AU flashback 2--xhakas and their friends realize they need to move abroad)

-

“The way I need someone to touch me,” Granit continues, his voice soft but strong.  “They say prison changes a man, and for me, I am strong, it is not hard here.  But it is changing me too, you know? I need to be touched.”

“I understand,” Leandro whispers.  “When I rest in my coffin, it isn’t the same as sharing my bed with my partners.”  He doesn’t think he should name Kieran.  As far as he knows, Granit doesn’t know who Kieran is, and his instinct tells him to keep it that way. (arsenal crime au + some of them are supernatural....leo is a vampire sniper...granit is as always Human and yet somehow the most terrifying of all)

-

“That means this is over between us,” Pep says.  “You want that?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to go back to your old life?  You would prefer unhealthy anonymous sex to a relationship with me?”

“Uh-huh.  Yeah.  I would.  At least I am in control then.  You want to control every part of me.  And I can’t live like that.  So I’m done.  Fuck you.”

And he climbed out of bed and got dressed.

“Mikel.  Mikel!”  Pep was still sitting there in his boxers looking more confused than anything else, as though he would never imagine someone would have the audacity to break up with him.  “My little angry boy, I’m not surprised to see you acting so stubborn. I’m sure you’ll regret it.  I’ll forgive—” (dangerous AU: mikel's memory of toxic bf pep--except the wink wink nudge nudge here is mikel is a SERIAL KILLER and yet pep is the "toxic ex" shit like this is my fav part of dangerous AU)

-

They step off the elevator and into the hallway, the hum of air-conditioning and the smell of hotel cleaning products all over the world the only thing around.  And sure, this is Luka and not Šime or Mo, and this is Qatar, but this is Luka and they’re old and there’s no Šime or Mo so he flops down on a couch in the lounge area outside the elevators because he just can’t go back to his cold, empty room.  A World Cup without someone to share a bed with is…it’s torture.  It’s wrong. (world cup sad modren)

-

Ivan thinks back to fooling around with Mladen. They never got past groping each other, some clothes still on, always in the dark, always returning to their own beds after. (rakidrić vanja and luka are bank robbers AU)

-

Showing Granit his childhood bedroom is strange.  It is relatively unchanged from when he was a kid, though thankfully his parents had gotten rid of the medical equipment that used to be in there.  Granit looks around at the fading posters—Cruyff, Arsenal, Tears for Fears, Stone Roses—and then sits down on the thin plaid blanket.

“It is a small bed,” he says to Mikel, stretching out on it.  “For a small guy, I guess.  Come here.”  He pats the space next to him and undoes his pants.  “Suck me off.”

“Not with my mom waiting for us out there,” Mikel says.  “That’s weird.”

“Well.  I guess I can’t force you in your parents’ apartment…That’s not respectful.”  Granit zips his pants back up.  Mikel is somewhat surprised Granit even knows the concept of respectful. “We are really sleeping in here?” (dangerous AU: mikel brings his boyfriend to his parents' in san sebastian for christmas and his parents don't like his vibe chapter)

ok there's probably more but i'll cut myself off there lol.

suck:

Lying in an empty bed at a World Cup.  He’s not used to it.  Every night it’s been worse.  

Tonight his skin is on fire.  There is so much in his mind he can’t even pin one thought down.  It’s like a whirlpool that he’s clinging to the edge of, trying not to get sucked in—trying with strong muscles that feel almost too tired to be strong— (world cup sad modren)

-

He scrolls scrolls scrolls scrolls scrolls.  Only one person could make that kit look good.  No offense to your club brate…That person is YOU by the way…He scrolls some more.  Amazing save holy shit, 10.0 on sofascore…SUCK MY DICK BENZEMA SON OF A FUCKING BITCH…a bunch of selfies that he’ll go back and save later…That Modrić guy’s alright I guess, he looks familiar do we know him from somewhere?…Brate I am getting tears in my eyes watching you…ljubavi…Thank God you got the surgery done, thank God you’re back…Modrić is alright I guess he could be the next Vrsaljko…Watching you play is like watching an artist paint.  I’m crying brate…But I’m strong 💪💪 (ancient luka/šime i was working on during the like april 2020 stage of the pandemic)

-

Granit nods.  “Smart little thing.  I was late to see you today, right?  I was getting my dick sucked in the shower stall.”  Leandro flushes.  “The wardens know better than to rush me.  It was good, but it was nothing.  When I felt my Mikel against me, in here, with all his clothes on, it was more than any of the mouths in this place could ever give me.” (the same arsenal criminals AU)

-

This almost never happens.  Granit has a certain sort of old-fashioned masculinity, as Mikel thinks of it.  It doesn’t come up too often, but it does for things like this.  Granit is not one to suck a man off.  “No wayyyyy,  Mister, nice try. That’s for you to do to me, right?” That sort of thing. (the abandoned 'arsenal has a locker room orgy after man utd spring 2022 game' fic)

i'll stop here otherwise it's just a lot of bad smut hahahah

[waitingforasong]

[copperbadge]

Just leveled up in sports fandom because my team posted their starting eleven for an extremely important game today and I reacted with immediate outrage, like I know better than José Mourinho how to put together a football team. 

[dubiousdisco]

josé mourinho thinks he's sooo good because he can make loser teams win championships, pff, the real challenge is to make vasco win. if he wants to prove that he is the best he needs to come to vasco

[f0xd13-blog]

You wanna tall about roma teams musk??? Lez talk about josé mourinho then ... lez tall about the way we can only STEAL IN ITALY BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT OF RACISM THAT EXISTS THERE... LEZ TALK ABOUT HOW MOURINHO WAS THE PERSON THAT MADE THAT TEAM SLAY BUT HE WAS STILL FIRED THIS YEAR?

[fc-personifications]

It's the move in day (writing test for the UCL Show thing)

Summary: UEFA announces the "UCL show" concept to the football clubs, and it means drama, big changes, and trying not to crack under pressure especially after trying to reveal their human-selfs for advertisement moves, however the clubs settle from their national league stadiums to the Champions mansion in "Arrival day".

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"Thanks for standing by while watching , the following material will broadcast a show under the name of "the UCL/Champions Show" in those shown channels and time below, we hope you enjoy watching."

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It's now the countdown, to pack the bags to the Champions show. Every club from every different country from the old continent are ready to move on, along with their players, their managers and if necesary, their loyal mascots.

From Portugal to Spain to England to France to Germany to Italy and to the others, and so the journey continues, until the season ends for a new one, of course.

And as you can see, dear watcher. You will probably never find something like this here.

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In a sunny 9 AM morning in the heart of Portugal, Lisbon. From imposing São Jorge Castle, the view encompasses the old city's pastel-colored buildings, Tagus Estuary and Ponte 25 de Abril suspension bridge. Nearby, the National Azulejo Museum displays 5 centuries of decorative ceramic tiles. Just outside Lisbon is a string of Atlantic beaches, from Cascais to Estoril. There were two Portugese male clubs, one is called "S.L Benfica" and the other is called "Sporting CP".

Benfica is pretty ambitious despite he's a cursed club, he won two European cup titles during the 60s beginning era, and ever since. The eagle is now ready as he, Sporting and Porto received an inviation card to the UCL, the ticket of the Champions Mansion, and finally the Lisbon people will hear that,he isandwill always beback from his unpleasant results.

Sporting was strong and loves to practise a lot to show he's the strongest, he lives with Benfica on the same city where they tend to rant a lot about each other non-stop, his alternate job is to serve Bruno Fernandes and Cristiano Ronaldo, sure, they aren't on his side anymore, but every football club has to look after their former club when they're taken care by other clubs and take it easy, right?Wrong. It's harder than you think, especially with a humanoid football club that isn't ready to reveal theirtrue self, yet. 

"Guess who got his ticket? it's ME!" Benfica said with pride and a bit of self-absorbtion, showing the small-sized blue-ish purple card with the Champions League logo on it.

"You really need to think twice,idiota [stupid].. Because I got my ticket too, you shouldn't be pretending like 'the only and one king of Primeira Liga' or 'a special perfect eagle'" Sporting criticised sarcastically as he brings the card from his pocket. "Because, I'm special too." he added.

"Oh? says the Lisbon football club that never won an European title! and you've been stuck in the Europa League for so long..." Benfica snapped.

"But at least I'm not worse than Porto, am I? Look at me, I have the mascular body thanks to my continous excercises! And I got to look after the greatest of all the time. Porto is just a foe crybaby whom José Mourinho left her.." Sporting replied in mockery.

Suddenly, a snide voice remarked from behind the door, it was Porto. The dragon of Portugal and the "princess" of the Primeira Liga. You get the idea, she, the lion and the eagle were (and still) fighting each other over the Primeira Liga title, because after all they're Portugal's "Big Three".

Porto may look cute but she's quite defensive and tough, she won two Champions League titles, one in the 80s and the other on the 2004s, thanks to José Mourinho, who had to move to other clubs.. and she can be sassy and cheeky at times, but let's be real. She also has a sweet side when you get to know about her, for sure.

"So I'm the 'worst' Portuguese club, you say?" Porto said in a serious voice, strongly shutting the door behind her.

"Oh come on! it's the truth, plus you're literally just an anger machine. So tell me, did you even got a ticket? Because you will never get it." Sporting said flatly.

After he said that, Porto grabbed the card, pointing it to their faces. "Well, you should think twice again." She said,more than a bit impressed that her 'rivals' are coming with her.

"Ugh, why is it always you?" Benfica spat.

"Because as you see, the mansion can't be complete without the 'princess'" She replied.

"You spoiled son of a b-" This was all what Sporting was going to say for Porto until his phone ranged, it could have to be his assitants probably.

"Let me guess, is it from your ol' boys Fernades and CR7?" The eagle asked.

"Shut up!" He shouted.

"Alo? Who's this?" Sporting asked the recipient.

"It's me, the UEFA." The recipient responded.

"Oh my gosh! it's the UEFA herself!" Sporting whispered as he covered his phone so the recipient doesn't hear what he says. "So, yeah? uh. Is there anything I can help you with, UEFA?" He added.

"Ah, thanks for your gentle request. but no thanks, I'm good. Can I ask you something?" UEFA said.

"Uhm.. Yeah! Sure! go ahead!" Sporting said worryingly, not to embrass himself. Honestly, he couldn't believe he's talking to a big football association.

"Did you receive a blue card with the "Champions League" name on it?" The association asked, it could be a surprise if she guessed that the answer is yes.

"Yeah! Porto and Benfica got one as well" The lion said.

"Porto and Benfica? Okay, great. So since you three got your tickets, you should be arriving on 8 PM in Portugal's time without late, whether on plane or bus, it doesn't matter. But I'll expect you to see you soon, goodbye and have a nice day" UEFA finished the call by this sentence. She always waited for this day as she sent the inviations to other clubs as well, hoping everything would go well.

"So? what did she say?" Porto asked.

"I think we should move to the... Champions mansion" Sporting said.

"THE CHAMPIONS MANSION? YOU MEAN THE FINEST MANSION IN THE FOOTBALL HISTORY? Just kidding I went to that place before and I know it well!" Benfica said, grabbing a map of the mansion he had when he was in there.

"So what are we waiting for? Let's go in there!" Porto said without any further a-do.

"Alright! Who comes last is a fat sloth!" Sporting exclaimed as he ran as fast as possible to skip Porto and Benfica.

"We forgot the ball, anything with the ball!" Porto reminded as she chased Sporting for the race.

"OH! I GOT IT!" The eagle said as he grabbed the Adidas Champions League ball as he was in a destination, kicking the ball and running with it. Who knows that the football clubs would have a special talent of football master art?

The sunlight flooded their sight as they kept running and racing to the airport, of course it's an usual rivalry moment, Benfica kicked the ball passing it to Sporting and from him to Porto, and so the triangle of passing continues all the way, no tiring, no anger, just pure fun. 

When the ball was passed by Porto, a blue white double-decker bus with the Porto badge came through, there were tons of players, including Pepe or Képler Laveran de Lima Ferreira. One of the greatest defenders of his Real Madrid generation.

"Olá! [Hello!] Do you need help?" Pepe asked cheerfully as Porto immidiately accepted, getting on the bus.

"Oh well, seems like I'm not going to see you soon!" Porto exclaimed, making fun of the Lisbon clubs and she wasted no time.

"And thanks guys! You're the best!!" She added, thanking all of her players as the dragões de portugal [Portugal's dragons] cheered.

"Screw it!" That was what the words came out of Sporting's mouth as he turned around seeing his and Benfica's club bus' for rescue, it seems like they aren't alone at all with the players, whether they're well-known or not, because after all the bond relationships between them last forever..

It's now 1:02 PM, after an epic 4 hours and two minutes full of happiness and joy, the Portuguese big three finally made it to the popular Porto airport.

"Name and destination, please." asked the airport attendant.

"S.L Benfica, Sporting CP and FC Porto and a one way ticket to." The three clubs said. The airport attendant looked at the computer as she asked for the passport, the ticket and the final destination. "The seat will be free of charge, here are your boarding passes. I'll send a bellhop to help you with your luggage. " She handed over the passes as a bellboy came over to help them carry their things. And to lead them to their gate where the flight is boarded.

They arrived to the gate. "Hmm, gate G..." Porto muttered to herself, going all the way to the airplane. It could be a pretty long trip from their hometown to Nyon, the birthplace of UEFA and European football.

~Time skip~

***

It's 5 PM, in a cloudy but cool afternoon in Nyon. 3 hours left as the Portuguese clubs are on their bus, gazing at the beautiful view of the Swiss town. From the bright festivals where whenever you go you find beautiful and pure smiles, to their long history of how it was founded and developed after many years. After they arrived to Geneva Airport, Sporting jumped as he did the famous "Siuu" celebration with a smile, leaving the others behind him.

"Hey! Can you do us a favour and lift all of your packages please?-" Benfica nagged.

"Never! And we're still on the race, are we?" Sporting said, heading to the portal.

"There's no race, we just arrived.." Porto said stubbornly.

"Can it! I never heard anything like this before, now I won!!!"  The lion exclaimed as he ran and "siuu"'d again.

"Ugh, this bastard, when will he stop being like that competitive?" Porto sighed, inclining and shaking her head with a somewhat disappointing gaze.

"But hey, at least we're going to meet some awesome teams!! Look at Real Madrid right now!" Benfica exclaimed as he points to Real Madrid, riding her golf cart to park it in her only and one parking zone, of course she's one of the best clubs and the queen of  UCL, the Club World Cup and the La Liga. In other words she could be "perfect".

"And alright! We're done!" Real Madrid said in excitement, bringing her inviation card as the Madristas squad get out of their bus one by one. "Vamos [Come on] everyone! We arrived!" She yelled in joy, seeing her loyal players, from Karim Benzema the captain that Ronaldo chose before he left home in 2018 who did such loyal memories, thanks to them she won 14 UCL titles, the recent one came from Paris where she beated Liverpool twice, making the Reds' heart broken after Instanbul 2018.. To Vinicius Junior the wonder kid that joined the Madrid Stars in 2018, to Luka Modrić the Croatian talent that joined 10 years ago along with the Galaticos, and the list goes on.. As pride goes in Real's hormones, she heads to her manager Ancelotti and the players to chill and have fun.

On the other side there's Bayern Munich, also known as "Stern des Südens (Star of the South)", he is actually a star from Germany's south city, Munich, Bavaria's capital and  home to centuries-old buildings and numerous museums. Riding a horse side to side with Thomas Muller, they descend it and going to the FCB players to tell jokes, you gotta love it if you played for him. Leroy Sané, Thomas Muller, Manuel Neuer, Jamal Musiala, Josh Kimmich, Matthijs de Ligt, Noussair Mazraoui and his newly signed Liverpool's former forward, Sadio Mané. He had won 6 UCL trophies, its last one was in 2020 against the Parisian club. 

Under his shadows, there's Borussia Dortmund, or BVB as most people refer to, she was always an outcast under Bayern's control, she always called him the 'jerk' for ruining her success. The bee was tough as time goes on, she was beaten by him in 2012-2013 as she was being humiliated and robbed of the UCL all because ofhim... But everything changed, since Haaland's moving to Man City.. She still got Jude Bellingham while it lasts..

Speaking of Man City? Oh boy, you'd be even hating that.. She was quite cunning and valid when it comes to transfers and getting world-class players. She could be a pretty spoiled when it comes to Financial Fair Play regulations and winning a lot of trophies, well,not all of them. Especially after the European-failure complaining in the Finals of Porto 2021 against Chelsea. Those oil money weren't enough for her, but it was enough to provide a place in the Big Six as rumors spread by second about the changes of the Big four list where the long-time rival Manchester United being trashed away of his former self's shadow.

And here she comes with the limousine, in which it's blue just like the club, and has a very long wheelbase luxury sedan, there was also another one but it's PSG's, it was a navy blue stretch limousine with the "Ici c'est Paris" crest as well as the players, mainly Mbappé, Messi (or the GOAT as people refer to) and Neymar Jr, of course Paris had to pay all of these, as well as the English Medium-sized [Manchester] city club so they can impress who's on their way as if they're perfect snowflakes.  They did know that they could achieve this far. But, it doesn't stop them from being an European underdogs who complain about the oil money clubs' European failures to their owners, shame that all their oil money was spent for nothing, just for the world-class players and not giving an importance to young talents, sadly... They descend from the limousine putting down their flags as the underated clubs from their leagues shake their head in disappointement, wishing that it could end.

And over here, we get Liverpool. One of the big four who led all his way to the Champions League victories over the time thanks to Steven Gerrard. His present manager is Jürgen Klopp, formerly of his best friend Borussia Dortmund, you hear it. They're friends and are connected to the same managers. Seems werid isn't it? But oh well, you'll knowall of thislater, dear watcher. And his motto is the name of his iconic anthem for football 'You'll Never Walk Alone', and he can pretty crazy for One Kiss sometimes. Despite all of this, yet the reds were getting humbled by Real Madrid in the UCL twice, one in Instanbul and the other was in Paris. It's heart-aching to the Liverpool fans, isn't it?

On the London side, there's Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspur, the newly-qualified club to the Champions League after a while, especially after the 2019 incident, where she lost her chances against the Reds. And ever since, Arsenal kept mocking her later on. She hates it, but at least he's not with her for the invitation, so that could be nice if she spent some time alone to hang out with her best friend, Ajax. Despite him being defeated in away goals in the 2019 semi-finals..

On the other side, there's Chelsea, the first London club that wins the Champions League, one was against Bayern in his own stadium in 2012, and the other was in 2021 against Manchester City. There were many rambles about whether London is owned by her or Arsenal, but the truth is, nobody knows. Who knows what the statics and the future change? She had a long history under many managers, from Antonio Conte to José Mourinho to Carlo Ancelotti and the list goes on.

There were loud Italian-accent noises that filled the atmosphere, it was AC and Inter Milan, the sisters of Serie A. AC Milan was always an (former) European great with 7 European cups, as time goes by. Inter's heart was filled with jealousy, 'oh little title one day you'll be inmy hands, not hers...' Inter's tongue was full of that word, oh everytime she says it whenever her "sister" wins something important, they were coached by the same managers over the years, asking them for trying to 'get along' but it seems to fail.. or perhaps, it gets worse than before.. The family dinners were always arguments, not even a single day would go without peace.. That's what theywanted, or at leastdeserved by the Milano clubs.

[irvinenewshq]

Hans Niemann and the chequered historical past of chess dishonest

The dishonest scandal between Hans Niemann and Magnus Carlsen roiling world chess is a basic story of AI, intercourse toys and Elon Musk. Magnus Carlsen (left) enjoying Hans Niemann (proper) within the 2022 Sinquefield Cup (Picture: Lennart Ootes/Saint Louis Chess Membership) When 19-year-old chess grandmaster Hans Niemann beat world champion Magnus Carlsen in a match on the Sinquefield Cup on September 4, Niemann stated it was “by some ridiculous miracle” that he had guessed what his opponent’s uncommon opening can be and ready for it. Carlsen, for his half, tweeted the well-known footage of former Chelsea coach José Mourinho refusing to touch upon a sport as a result of “if I communicate I’m in massive hassle”. That reticence apparently dissipated because the month wore on. The pair performed once more, a digital match on September 19, and Carlsen resigned after one transfer and shut off his webcam. Carlsen then later explicitly acknowledged that he thought Niemann had cheated. Niemann has admitted to dishonest previously however is adamant he’s now “clear”. Following this got here a report from Chess.com, alleging it was “possible” Niemann had cheated in “greater than 100 video games”. Originally published at Irvine News HQ