#because ur afraid to complain and invalidate anyone

[lesbianamalvada]

its isolating being a lesbian in a 'queer' friend group like its just people talking bout men all the time. there is one girl whose lesbian but the only gay thing she talks about is her pride merch and heartstopper.

No because the way my one "lesbian" friend was obsessed mlm shows like Heartstoppers and Young Royals and later came out as an Achillean trans masc and traded the lesbian flag for the toothpaste one on their bookbag. Like it's fine to live ur truth but I feel like so young people use lesbian as like a transition phase to bisexual or trans and it makes me sad.

Also no tea no shade I love Alice Oseman but Heartstopper is boring AF! If it was straight no one would watch it, let's bffr! Meanwhile shows like First Kill and Warrior Nun can stand on their own with no representation, but get cancelled. It's because everyone only sees male characters as loveable and will obsess over them only, in my experience it's only sapphics who can appreciate well written female characters and not just call them "mother" or "girlboss" while they move on to write the next essay about their white male blorbo. I can't even be mad at authors and showrunners for not creating more complex female characters because it's not what sells!

And don't get me started on how many young gays can only express their identity through "pride merch" aka capitalism. and annoying memes like limp wrist, fruity, zesty. That's not their fault identity capitalism has messed up gen z in general, but it's still isolating.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Divaz confos #5

Mod: previously...

1 2 3 4 

1. lol watching Z3st try to bring Divaz down is just honestly so pathetic. each time he or one of his sad little friends posts some bullshit, a bunch of Divas supporters shows up to tell it like it is. if Z3st's goal is to help Divas' business, he's doing a great job

~Anonymous

2. All drama aside, BJDiv4z clearly rallying their fanbase to flood their feedback threads with positive reviews makes them look more suspicious than "proof" posted by Zezt.

~Anonymous

3. all of u siding with bjdivaz are a bunch of c------ing bootlickers. clearly ur all TERFS too cuz ur siding against a trans man. shame on all of u.

~Anonymous

4. Living for the Dealer Caution for BJD1v4s on DoA. Seeing them attacking negative reviews like they are is gross. Had I ordered from them I would have complained to their companies about their actions and I hope those who are targeted do. I don't want one bad dealer dragging down other companies by association.

~Anonymous

5. Ok, just a question, but for everyone who invalidates people's negative BJDiv@z experience. Why don't we hear shit about other sellers? And I don't want a "Well bc it's the trend right now." Maybe, but I'd still assume at least one or two confessions maybe hoping on the wagon to expose bad dealers. But nothing. We've had some confession about proxies sucking some months ago, and people accepted that, and even dropped their own shitty experiences with other proxies when that was a topic here.

~Anonymous

6. Honestly the situation with Divaz is really unfortunate. They are a good dealer offering good layaway. I know they are trying the best. Perhaps they should cut off social media side because they seem to be greatly affected by negative criticism. I find them to be a bit too sensitive to bad press. There are angry customers, we get that. It's normal in all businesses to have upset customers. Just roll with it. Let them rant. To send supporters to suppress bad reviews on DoA, that's just too much.

~Anonymous

7. why is everyone on divaz side calling sest al3x now lmao. weird flex to continually drop someones real name not otherwise used online when youre flocking to the defense of a company that doesnt give a shit about you. youre free to defend divaz all you want, i dont have a problem with that, but this shit gives you guys real bad vibes.

~Anonymous

8. Is this allowed? I've seen normal users get their DoA feedback wiped for this but I guess it's ok if you're a dealer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

~Anonymous

9. BJDivas' flair on DoA placed by mods...yikes :x

~Anonymous

10. I knew alexc3ssive and pra3sagium from my local doll community. They're horrible people who act nice to your face but as soon as you turn your back they'll stab it. They regularly bully and harass anyone who won't go with their way and I've been scared to say anything about them for years because I was afraid they'd come after me. Now that someone's finally standing up to them I hope they'll focus their attention on them instead of coming after me.

~Anonymous

11. I’ve had nothing but good experiences with BJDiv4s, but I’m done buying from them. I don’t care if a customer is bad in your view, you don’t publicly air that shit, address things politely and never sink to such levels - successful small biz of other kinds know this. They are going after anyone who openly says they’re not comfortable, rather than trying to re-earn trust, and having their squad review bomb with vague positives.

~Anonymous

12. Need proof that bjdivas take more than a week to respond? OK.

But I'm sure everyone will go full DARVO on this too. They fucked up the orders of a bunch of us posting in the Lvts waiting room. When so much stuff is getting lost or broken, they do need to take control and use different couriers. And that is something they can control. My package was in limbo so long I was about to report it lost, because it took 20 days to get from their office to a post office. This is in their control! They can blame whoever picks up their parcels, but if they keep doing business with them, it's their fault.

This is the only doll I didn't take unboxing pics of, because I was worried that more might have gone wrong.

And before divas DARVO this, because I am identifiable... they offered to replace the antlers in September (just before blasting Z3st on fb). This was the first time they told me that Lvts would replace parts. But I already knew, because Lvts told me in June that they were sending replacements for those orders to divas. I mean, it would be a nice offer if Lvts hadn't already replaced my antlers back in June-July (I paid in June, they arrived before I asked divas for my doll), and if divas hadn't seen me post on DoA that I got replacements (the post they banned me from their VIP fb because I leaked their bitching mentions it). And also it would have been nice if divas had told us they sorted out replacements in June, and I didn't have to accidentally hear it from Luts. (idk if I have a shot of Lvts saying that, but if you look in the waiting room thread on DoA you can see me telling other posters at the time.)

Also I'm clearly not Z3st, so..? Yeah. I have ordered over 20 dolls since the start of 2020 and this was the only one with problems. I've been collecting dolls for over 20 years, so I'm not new at this. Me begging for my doll was the only time I remotely lost composure (and that's more desperation than rudeness tbh)

BTW this was shortly after divaz had someone delete a DoA review for complaining about communication times, which fair enough because they hadn't allowed the 3 days. But then this happens and oh irony!

(Please don't be shitty because I had a bad time with divaz. I am not entitled and I have been selling online since I was a teen. I don’t come at anyone who had a bad time with other dealers to 'well actually' them. Please respect people's experiences as valid. This would be far less of a drama bomb if people did that. That I have to write a life history to deflect criticism and excuses in advance does not sit well with me.)

Thank you for reading.

P.S. if divaz counters that one time I took a long time to respond, I have an explanation that's complicated and personal, but if muck gets dragged then I guess you get to hear that too.

~Anonymous

[bigbluebarns-blog]

ABLEISM REDUX

Well… There are so many different dimensions of disability that people can be ableist toward those with different disabilities than their own. …And it’s only in the last couple of generations (within my lifetime, at least) that Disability Rights groups have banded together in a common cause (Rather than, say: Rights groups for the blind working only for the blind, Rights groups for Cerebral Palsy working only for Cerebral Palsy, etc.).  Matter of fact, based on my own recollections, I think working together for universal access rights only really got any steam in the 1970s – when I was already a teenager.

Confession time: until relatively recently (like, the last 10 years, or so), as a physically disabled person, I was biased against those with intellectual disabilities, and would get quite insulted if anyone mistakenly thought I was “R

—–ed.”

@theborkplanet IDK HOW TO SEPARATE MY COMMENTS FROM YOURS AND COMMENTS FROM YOURS. HENCE THE CAPS. 

I WAS ALSO BIASED AND PROBABLY STILL AM SOMEWHAT, TOWARD PPL WITH INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES(ID). I TOO USED THE R WORD. GROWING UP MY EXP WITH PPL W/ ID WERE NEGATIVE OR GROSS, AND NO ONE EVER BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN SOMEONE’S ID TO ME, SO ALL I KNEW WAS NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS EG JO GRABS STUFF AND SCREAMS; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED HER AUTISM. MOE HAS DOWNS SYNDROME, IS OBSESSED WITH SAYING “BOOBIES” LOVES THE EFFING BEACH BOYS AND FARTS A LOT AND NEVER SHUTS UP; HOW ANNOYING; NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT PERSEVERATING, OR THAT DS CAN CAUSE GI PROBS SOMETIMES. AL MUTTERS, HE STINKS, AND HE KNOCKED OUT HIS AIDE SO I’M AFRAID THAT AL WILL GET ANGRY WITH ME AND KNOCK ME OUT; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINS HIS CONDITION, SO I GLEAN MY INFO FROM EAVESDROPPING and RUMORS. THE ABLE-BODIED ADULTS DIDN’T BOTHER TO PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING EVEN THO WE WERE ALL TRAPPED ON THE SAME SPECIAL ED BUS, SO THE PASSENGERS WITHOUT ID TALK SMACK ABOUT THE ONES WITH ID. THE ONE TIME I ASK, “WHAT’S AL HAVE?” ABLEBODIED ADULT SHAMES ME FOR ASKING AND BLATHERS ABOUT CONFIDENTIALITY. NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY MY PREJUDICE; JUST RELATING EXP. I’M ALSO WORKING THRU IT BUT U R RIGHT; NEVER 100% DONE. 

I’m working through it, and like to think I’m getting better (and one huge part of that is learning just how deep and intertwined institutionalized ableism really is, in our societies). But as with being a White woman dealing with racism, I have to remember that it’s a case of continuing recovery, and not something I will ever be 100% over and done with.

Thanks for sharing, @aegipan-omnicorn. You’re lovely.

@bigbluebarns, I don’t personally know anything about suffering racism, being a white american myself. However, I do know a thing or two about suffering ableism, both at the hands of able-bodied people, and disabled people.

People are incredibly social animals and will band together in groups with other similar people. This is natural, and it is good. It can be healing and cathartic to hang out with people who “get it.” But this tendency can also have an extremely dark side, as we see with “isms.” This is going to get long, so I’m going to break it here in consideration of people’s dashboards. Again, I can only speak to ableism and sexism so please keep that in mind.

OMG, I LOVE THESE NAMES AND TRADEMARKS. DID U INVENT THEM?

Ableisms I have suffered at the hands of disabled people:

The Cripple Police™: These are the people who, in an overzealous bid for limited access available, arbitrarily decide who is disabled enough to use a mobility aid, bathroom stall, parking spot, and even sometimes the label of “disabled.” If you are not Crippled Enough, you can be subject to any form of social punishment they deem to be necessary.

I HATE THE CP AND I’M CONSTANTLY REMINDING PPL THAT U DO NOT HAVE TO APPEAR DISABLED IN ORDER TO USE HANDICAP PARKING. IT’S LIKE THEY WANT U TO WEAR A TAG STATING U R DISABLED SO THEN THEY CAN ASSESS IF U MEET THEIR RANDOM CRITERIA.

Example: I used to be able to walk longer distances with a service dog, but was still a high fall risk. My doctor (a licensed neurologist) prescribed me a parking placard so that none of us had to worry (as much) about me passing out in a parking lot where no one could see me, and getting run over. A lovely woman in a wheelchair, who just happened to park in the accessible spot next to me, proceeded to scream at me and my service dog all the way into the store. A manager rescued me by going along with my ruse of knowing him, and invited me into the back were I fucking hid away until they told me she had left the store. It. Was. Scary.

EGAD SOUNDS HORRIBLE. BUT YEAH THERE IS A DISABILITY HIERARCHY

The Born This Ways™ : The experience between people who were born disabled, and who acquired disability later in life, vary a great deal from one another. BTW ableist types actively minimize the experiences of other disabled people, simply because they hadn’t been baptized since birth by xyz. In other words, the suffering was not identical to their own, thus must be invalid.

Example: I became disabled after adulthood, and tried to find solace after being subjected to ableist responses from friends and family members who were unable to cope with the “broken me.” I found lots of great disabled people who helped me, but I also found people who routinely scoffed at my experiences, again informing me that I was not “disabled enough,” and suggested I was being deliberately weak, or histrionic. Sometimes it was almost eerily word for word what my ableist friends/family said. How strange…

I’VE SEEN THE ACQUIRED DISABILITY IS BETTER. TM ADIBS MIGHT IMPLY, “WELL I’M A QUAD, BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO EXP BEING ABLEBODIED; I’LL HAVE EXP U SADSACK LOSER BTWS WILL NEVER HAVE. I GOT TO BE NORMAL FOR A WHILE” MOST OFTEN I SAW IT COME FROM PARALYZED PPL WHO WISHED THEY COULD WALK AGAIN. I WAS BORN WITH CP AND AB PPL ACTUALLY ASKED ME “WOULD U RATHER BE BTW OR AD?” BEFORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I SAID “BTW, CUZ THATS ALL I KNOW AND I’VE HAD IT FROM DAY1 FALSE EQUIVALENCY WHEREAS ADIBS HAVE TO ADJUST” NOW THO I KNOW THAT EVEN I AS BTW HAVE HAD TO ADJUST TO CHANGING SYMPTOMS. DO U WANT 2 BE A TREE OR A MOUSE...UHHH...FALSE EQUIVALENCY ALERT, CAN’T COMPAPARE APPLE N ORANGE.

The Faker Police™: I think anyone with an invisible illness has experience with this one. This is when people who “look disabled” refuse to believe someone who “does not look disabled,” and proceed to treat them as hysterical attention seekers instead of…well, anyone else. These people often practice double ableisms–I have noticed that many also tend to judge Disabled Enough based on mobility aids. Then, they try to chase the “fakers” out of the community, because everyone knows “fakers” are why we have additional burdens added (like further hurdles to access, government aid, etc).

ALSO IF U HAVE AN INVISIBLE DISABILITY LIKE YOURS AND ME ALSO, I SEE THE “WELL EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSED/SAD/TIRED.” I END UP FEELING LIKE I HAVE JUSTIFY THE DISABLING NATURE OF MY DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TO A WEG. 

Example: Before my condition had progressed to me needing a mobility aid, I was already facing discrimination in the workplace. I requested an accommodation to have the crappy fluorescent lights removed from above my desk, as they provoke bad neurological symptoms. You’d think it was a little thing, but when I asked for advice on dealing with skeptical and belligerent management, I met the same reactions in some disabled people, followed immediately by “Fakers like you are why we see knee-jerk reactions like the word ‘no!’ Come complain when you’re actually disabled and need to have a ramp installed! Until then suck it up!”

The Totally Qualified Disability Judges™: This one seems to arise from the natural tendency of people to compare their situations to the situations of others. If they arbitrarily judge another person’s situation to be better or more favorable, then that person is not As Disabled, or Disabled Enough, or Disabled At All. Then, based on that judgment, they try to socially punish the condemned, or to excommunicate them.

Example: Some conditions are really straightforward and don’t vary widely. People with the condition all seem to have similar limitations. My condition is the exact opposite of that. I have the chronic form of migraine disease. Lots of people get migraines, but not all of them have more than 15 a month, and migraines can last anywhere from a few hours to three days. To some people, pain is the most disabling feature of a migraine, to others, the accompanying neurological weirdness is. (Migraines are often proceeded by cortical spreading depression, a phenomenon also exhibited in epilepsy. Just for an example).

So, when people hear what my condition is, they remember that one lady they used to know who had to lay in the dark for a couple days each month, and wonder why the hell I’m in a wheelchair. It doesn’t make sense to them (who cares that migraines don’t make sense to the most brilliant neurologists in the world), so they decide that I just must not be disabled. Or, if I am, it’s hypochondria. 

 I’VE SEEN: YEAH HAVE U TRIED XYZ CURE? IT REALLY HELPED THAT 1 LADY. IF U DON’T TRY XYZ WELL THEN UR LAZY N ALSO PROBABLY FAKING THE EXTENT OF UR DISABILITY?

Fun fact: Internalizing ableism from medical doctors, and from some close friends and family, and THEN the disabled people I came into contact with later, and from whom I seeked guidance, prompted so much self doubt that I had a licensed psychologist work me up for hypochondria and other related psychological conditions. It…turns out that I am not a hypochondriac. I could not find relief from all of these experiences until I encountered a neurologist familiar with my condition, and fellow disabled people who have been around the block, and who are not so embittered by their experiences that they deigned to expose others to the same.

For that reason, I will always be vocally critical of ableism within our community. I will not sugar coat it, nor will I flatter ableist disableds by giving them another name. That goes for my own ableism, too. Now that I have worked through a lot of my own, I can use my aids with confidence and obtain a freedom that is at least emotionally similar to the one I had when I first formed my adult identity (which was as an abled person).

AH YES, IN MY CASE, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM=ANXIETY N DEPRESSION. STILL NOT SURE IF DISABLED PPL CAN BE TECHNICALLY DISABLED BUT THAT’S JUST LINGUISTIC SEMANTICS.

CLEAERLY WE BOTH KNOW DISABLED PPL ARE CAPABLE OF ASSHOLERY.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO BOLD TEXT IN POSTS? #TUMBLR NOOB

For an example of sexism from women, see my post Never Underestimate Old Women, in which an old lady cashier schools us for self-righteous activism.

Thanks for the discussion!