#bfore i just delete this lol

[grand-line-shenanigans]

My thoughts about Luffy and Emotions

(because I am having Sad Hyperfixation Hours in this house tonight, and I am going to make it everyone else's problem)

So like. So like. Something that I've noticed, since I've caught up with One Piece but especially since Luffy's backstory was reveled post-maroneford, is how little Luffy actually deals with his emotions.

I mean. His entire life pretty much revolves around two things: becoming the Pirate King, and protecting the people he loves. He's shown many, many times that he would sacrifice nearly anything to do those things. And it might not be entirely intentional on Oda's part? But it's really fucking frightening. This sort of applies to becoming the Pirate King as well, but for me, it's way more apparent in his determination to protect his crew and family.

So starting with his backstory since that's when I really noticed it for the first time (not counting my suspicion of a Tragic Backstory™ hinted at in Enie's Lobby). Clearly he's got some real trauma. Like, a lot of trauma. It tends to be downplayed I think, or like, made to seem less Awful compared to a lot of the other characters in One Piece? But when I really started to think about it, it was actually heartbreaking.

Luffy's List of Trauma (non-extensive):

Kicked Around Like A Basketball by Bandits

His idol getting fucking amputated by a sea monster right in front of him (in an incident that Luffy was partially guilty for)

"Yo random mountain bandits, take my grandson, I'm too busy to take care of him" - Shitty Gramps

Ace trying to fucking murder Luffy several hundred times in the first 3 months of their acquaintance

Bandits are Bad Parents

Ace trying to fucking murder Luffy (but this time with Sabo)

Kicked Around Like A Basketball By Bandits (but this time with knives)

Grey Terminal. Just- Grey Terminal

"You're gonna be a MARINE and if you WON'T be a Marine, then I'll KICK YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU DO BECOME A MARINE!" - Shitty Gramps

Fire at Grey Terminal

Sabo gets kidnapped

Sabo fucking dies

Probably way more that I can't remember off the top of my head

So he's got ALL THIS TRAUMA, and on top of that is this: he's lonely. He hates being lonely. He can't stand to be lonely, he would rather die than be lonely, he will imprint on anyone in his vicinity even if they're trying to murder him, and once he gets attached to someone, he will protect them until his last breath.

So what it all boils down to is a terrifying lack of self-preservation. A lack of any value, really, in himself. He just doesn't care about his own safety. Literally he does not give a shit. He'd fight god and everyone else in the universe to save one of his friends, and if he dies in the process then, well, his friend's alive and that's all that matters, right?

Anyways. How this all connects to emotions and shit is this. Really, apart from his dream to become the Pirate King, his whole personality, his whole identity revolves around his people. His crew and his brothers. And sure, he seems like he's got it all together, most of the time- he's a bouncy cheerful idiot with way too much energy- but looking deeper into his personality, after reading all 1024 chapters of One Piece, it just seems...almost fake, to me, sometimes.

Of course, not all the time- at his core he really is cheerful, energetic, you know, all the things he acts like. But he's also traumatized. And he never shows it, like, ever, except for in a few specific situations where he has literally lost everyone he cares about, right in front of his eyes, and been helpless to stop it. By which I mean, Marineford and Sabaody.

Except really? He does show it more often than that. Really, anytime someone's trying to take his friends from him. He just shows it in a different way. He gets angry, really fucking angry. It's like a switch is flipped, and suddenly he's this almost completely different person. And it is terrifying. Especially more so when I think about it now? Because really, the whole thing adds up to what seems like this: he ignores his problems. He ignores his trauma. It simply does not exist, he does not remember or think about it, it is completely wiped from his memory. Until something triggers it; until he is forced to face the risk of losing someone he loves, again, and not being strong enough to stop it, again, and something in him just. Snaps.

Of course he acts like this with other things too, like when Mouji wrecked Chouchou's pet food shop and when Don Krieg tried to take over the Baratie and really the list goes on; but it's always felt different when it was one of Luffy's friends directly being harmed. And if you think about the other incidents, too; Luffy is also heavily influenced by dreams, and by personal treasures. And really, it all loops back to his trauma as well; Luffy knows how it feels to lose someone or something you dearly love. He knows exactly how painful the feeling of helplessness is when you aren't strong enough to protect it. And something in that, in watching other people try and fail to protect what they love, I can see how it would hurt him too. How it would dredge up his own trauma, which he purposely and/or subconsciously ignores, and how he would want to stop other people from going through the same thing when he had the power to step in.

Anyways it's, like, midnight right now and I wrote this in a half-asleep daze, so I probably forgot things or got a bunch wrong. I really like talking so this was more a brain dump than a thought-out discussion point. But I LOVE TO TALK so I would be so so so happy to talk with someone other than the void, if you think you're annoying then you're wrong, human interaction makes me happy all the time. Ok I'm going to bed now goodnight

[rrover]

its not good enough for main but look at my fake magic disease tw for ummm blood body horror trypophobia also probably

the text is kind small maybe i need to put it here later </3 idk

[simeleons]

tagged by @smoochesforseven (thanks for tagging me dude uwu!!!)

Rules: answer these questions and tag 20 followers you’d like to get to know better!

Name: Simon :) this quiz is easy lol

Nicknames: Ven, Void, Gumball ;P

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius !

Height: 5′1 (158cm ........ 😔😔😔 )

Orientation: bi/aro, or just aro.....

Nationality: french (and i’d be chinese too if that was allowed but it isn’t! sympa!)

Favorite Fruit: strawberries, cherries or watermelon. (that’s 3!)

Favorite Season: Autumn!

Favorite Book: bold of you to assume i’ve ever read a book in my life. (le bal des dragons by Jessica George. i just really like it........)

Favorite scent: idk dude i barely have a sense of smell in the first place. fruit-scented stuff? maybe?

Favorite Color: gold!!!! bury me in it

Favorite Animal: tough choice. snakes? sharks maybe

Coffee/tea/hot cocoa: tea or hot cocoa. depends........

Average hours of sleep: 7 to 9 (sleep is important kids!!)

Cat or dog person: IDK ok !!!! probably cat !!!!

Favorite Fictional Characters: freddy krueger, pinkie pie & twilight sparkle, claire from jurassic world, uuuuuh lucy fairy tail, phasma from star wars :)

Number of blankets you sleep with: 1, or 2 if it’s like, real cold.

Dream trip: wanna go back to uh ...... shanghai ....... and visit Xiamen + Taiwan ...... oh the US could be nice as well

Blog created: march 2018, but my first blog (bfore i deleted) was in early 2016 i think

Number of followers: 222 :]         

Random Fact: i was at my aunt’s house once and saw a pile of soil on a kitchen counter and i ate it. i was 12.

i tag uuuh........ @friendship--seal @cronagorgon @demonnoodles @zoeyfortnite @sighborg @jelena-x @emerson-awesome @xeensbin @disneysfastplay @5carletterose @cuckphobia @nintara1 that’s not 20 so honestly if you follow me just go wild babes

[cbocstar]

hiiii it’s me colly!

Hii it’s been a long while since I wrote out my thoughts on here.  I just wanted to recollect and self reflect on some feelings i’ve been feeling lately. SO it all started in march when I noticed I was beginning to feel more of myself again. Like I just felt more of me. Like the sadness is yeah its still there and the betrayal i felt from craig is always going to be there i think. And the trauma and the anger I have for him of what he did to me and put me through will always be there. But I found myself finally feeling like ready? Ready to take a leap of faith and get myself back out there into the dating pool/pond.  AND LET ME TELL YOU!!! It is so fucking exhausting. I hate the swiping. And I hate feeling writing my bio to the point where I feel like i’m selling a pitch to shark tank. LIKE SEELLLING MYSELF AND MY QUALITIES of what makes ME special or what someone will get out of when they date me. LOL idk it’s so hard. I think that’s another thing I need to work on. Loving myself. And taking ownership on yes I am weird, yes I am shy. But yes I am awesome and I am beautiful. It just takes time to see that. Anyway I was losing hope on these datin g apps when i would get bomboarded with dudes asking me questions on if I live at home, or if i live alone. And it made me self conscious like. Is it bad that I live at home with my mom? It’s so expensive to move out. Like I cant even afford living in the bay area if i did try and move out and find a roomie. LOL. I guess i feel ashamed, because of that. And whenever I would match with someone they would either unmatch themselves right away after i message them. or they just never replied. So it was kinda frustrating i guess. Like whats the point?  Anyway my school friend and my brother suggested me to try out the dating app of Meetme. And LOL i was skeptical because of the amount of messages I would receive the first time I downloaded it. And So i tried it again. And I just got sooooooo many messages from dudes. And the ages just ranged from 18-21; 40-60 year olds. And It just made my stomach sink. I just I cant see myself dating someone that’s 40 and me being 27. Idk I just I cant. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MESSAGING ME ASKING IF I WOULD LIKE TO TRY OUT LIMP DICK LMFAO?! HELLO? WHAT LOL or if i would like to be their substitution to viagra. creeper bye. And so it just made me really freaked out. And then at this time Steven messaged me and I was just cautious. But he made me laugh and he was the only one that was close to my age. So I felt like that was fine. But the overwhelming messages from 40-60 year olds creeping on my profile and asking me if i wanted to lick them or if i was interested in finding a daddy. Just I couldnt. So I decided to just delete my photos because ya girl just was creeped out at that point. And steven then messaged and asked me if I was quitting because he noticed I was removing my photos and i just explained to him and he was just really shocked. And i asked him if he ever experienced that on his end and he just said no. So I was just like LUCKY DUCK.  Anyway, we talked more on the app of meetme messages. He made me laugh. I thought he was pretty charming and cute as well. He has a list of interests that is sooooo different from me which made me feel very insecure or uneasy. I’m not active and I have had bad experiences of camping and outdoors but I am always willing to try new things. And I feel like I just couldnt do long distance anymore. especially after the abuse I went through with craig and phillip. I just I can’t do that anymore. I need someone here for me physically. And steven is literally a few miles away so i was glad. SO we do have a shared interest which is anime c: and cute animals and food and books and gaming. And he asked me out on a date to go to Dave n Busters. 

SO GUESS WHAT ya girl went to dave n busters. that was the first date. met him upstairs. I awkwardly walked over and gave him a hug while I shivered and we played a lot of games together. Then we had cheeese BURGERSS. There he let me have some of his beer which I took a few sips didnt enjoy it though. LOL and He just laughed. Then he mentioned about how there’s sea glass on the beach and how he wanted to show it to me. And  I was just like uh i guess? I just have to be back at this time to get picked up. And he’s just like oh we will have time dont worry. SO I WENT IN HIS CAR (and my friend has shamed me for it lol saying how stupid i was to go in his car lol on the first date and how lucky i am to be alive and not killed and stuff) And I dont know It just didnt register in my head until I got to the beach so i did send my location to my best friend. so she knew where I was. even tho my girl is in texas and im in california LOl. so when we got to the beach we actually picked up sea glass and it just it felt like a movie. or something I read in books. It was soft and slow and I just felt safe. And we just huddled together as the wind pushed us together. And I asked to hold his hand and he just laughed exasperated and was like “OHMYGOD U DONT HAVE TO ASK just hold my hand its fine” and yeah so i got to hold his hand.  After the date we talked on the phone and it just nice.  Second date: Steven took me to the science museum playground for kids. It was so much fun we saw cute animals and interacted with the science experiments. There was a lot of sequin textures sensorys and it just was so nice. LOL he drew a lit hand sign while i tried to make an xD face, but failed. Then we were hungry so he took me to have poke (IT WAS MY FIRST TIME LOL) and it was delicious but i was kinda hungry still. After he took me to this   old bookstore and we roamed the aisle looking at different books. Then he took me to his place where we shared our first kiss. I was really shy and scared but we took things slow and sat on his bed and cuddled. He was really upset when he found out that I never cuddled before. I didn't understand why he was upset but he just told me he felt sad that I never had that intimate connection. And at first I was bored but towards the last hour I felt really cozy and it just felt nice, the way his hands wrapped around my waist. I did get aroused which kinda freaked me out because I never really felt that sensation before. LOL so it made me really anxious. LIKE CALM DOWN COLLEENY. Third date: We did some shopping at TarzHay (target) lolol and daiso together. it felt nice. Then we went back to his place to have dinner. He shared his dinner with me and it was really good and after we cuddled and kissed and watched youtube videos together. And it just was really romantic.  Fourth date: Went to a movie on a work night. we saw The saga of tanya the evil. And it was fun watching anime with him. And I was just soo shy i didnt hold his hand I just we just focused watching the movie together and enjoying each others company.  Fifth date:  went to fanime (anime convention) for the FIRST TIMEEE  last saturday ( may  25, 2019) i met up with him there! I cosplayed as kiki from kiki’s delivery service. it was fun! So he was playing ddr well competing in the tournament. for a lil 3 hours ish. After we went to get something to drink so he bought me a drink...it was sweet but somewhat bitter but i did enjoy the sugar that was decorated coated around the  rim of the glass. And  i got hyper ish LOL And steven just laughed. But i let him finish it for me because I couldnt. Then we went to go walk to get food. in line there was a guy talking to him. And the guy asked us what we were and if we been here bfore. and steven said it was his first time not being alone. and i said it was my first time. and then I just stuttered and got shy because we havent discussed what we were to each other. Like we just only talked about us liking each other a lot. And how we both enjoyed each others company. So I replied with “we dd-d-d--dateing? We on a d ate. we dating. date. uh yeh uh” and then steven wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in close to him and added “ yeah we are going steady.” AND OOOOOOO I BLUSHED SO HARDDDDDDDD. aaaa still blushing LOL  Anyway lol food was delcious. i had a bento curry chicken box. Then we sat down and rested our feet in the hall and he took a nap on my thigh lol. it was cute and i just scratched his forehead bc i was too scare to scratch his head LOL. and then we watched the season 3 of attack on titan together and he held my hand and my arm and it just felt nice.  I curled up against him and we just enjoyed watching 5 episodes together.  Sixth date:  today saturday june 1, 2019 is gonna be the sixth date. sooooo ILL JUST KEEP U  POSTED On what we are gonna do. loool time for bed