#blergh sorry I really try not to post too much personal stuff??

[skyjynxart]

So June’s been... A Time.

Hello everyone! Firstly, I am posting this in more places than normal because I've actually gotten several (very sweet!) DMs expressing concern and I just don't have the energy to reply to everyone swiftly ;; So this is hopefully to help assuage some of those worries while taking up less of my limited brainpower right now- thank you so much for understanding!

Secondly, I wanna say that most of June has been fantastic! I did a lot of fun things and I'm over all very happy about the month as a whole, but my body isn't too pleased with me- there's a little more rambling about that below, if you're here for the TL;DR:

I've been slow/quiet, and I'm probably going to continue to be that way for a little bit! I will not be stopping work, as I can't afford to, but please be patient with me if I'm struggling to be chatty like normal! No need to read farther unless you'd like to know details about my health/personal situation, and I will not begrudge you at all if you wouldn't! And for the longer version:

( I'm very sorry if I come across as whiny, I don't talk about this often for a reason ;; )

Something I don't discuss very often, even with close friends, is that I actually live with chronic pain. I'm pretty well conditioned not to think about it overmuch, and to not even really think about it in those terms, but when looking at the "accurate pain scale" my standard day tends to be between 3 and 5- you can usually tell when I'm having a very good day and am more at around 1-2, because I'm extra productive. Typically, I blame this on my arthritis, however it's probably something more than that, as the arthritis is concentrated in my hands/wrists, but the pain is often in my entire body. I won't be finding out what it actually is anytime soon, though, because I'm self employed in America. hah

That said, starting from the end of May, I have been at a 5-6 consistently. The last week-ish, it has been at 7-9. Constantly. It's been hard to think, hard to move, hard to accomplish basic tasks. Picking up a pen or pencil hurts. Typing this hurts, not just in my hands, but all the way up through my elbows and into my shoulders. Today was a little better than normal, and I tried doing a tiny portion of my workout routine, and I regret it.

I'm sorry to the people I've fibbed to by offering other excuses- I know I have to a couple and it's just often easier to say "I'm tired and I don't know why".

My best guess is that this is due to air pressure changes- the weather has been all kinds of funky where I live as a result of the Canadian wildfires.

Regardless of the cause, generally, when I have days this bad where I can't really think properly, I will shift focus to the bare minimum of what needs done- if that's a commission because I need to keep up on my TDL, then I will endure a few hours with a pencil. If that's some household chores, I'll manage them very slowly. Unfortunately, such a prolonged string of bad days means I've utterly neglected anything 'non-essential'- which happens to include checking messages, responding to DMs, and... well, everything requiring brain function or body function except the bare minimum to feed myself and slooowly work through owed art ( blessings to you amazing, patient people who've waited on me ;; )

I'm trying- I really am, but this is a lot more prolonged than I'm used to, so I need to figure out new ways of coping. ( if anyone has any tips for bone pain that AREN'T taking a hot soak in the bath, I'd love to hear them, but you're not obligated! ). This is something I really hesitated to share at all- typically, discussing my health with people I know IRL results in a lot of dismissal, but I really feel it's best to be fully accountable and honest about this ( and maybe being honest with you guys will help me be more honest with myself about it ), so that I can communicate when I'm going to be quiet because I'm having health problems that are normal for me- seeing other creators talking about their health in an honest and open way like this has done wonders for how I think about my own situation, so maybe I can be that for someone else, too.

Anyway, sorry I so often seem to end up posting updates that are 5 paragraphs long- I should PROBABLY work on being a little less wordy, haha. Thank you if you read to the bottom, and truly, no worries if you didn't ( and are seeing this because you skipped to the end ). I'm doing my best and I'm going to continue to do my best for you. <3

[pecaminoso-exe]

Yeah antis directly target people because a) then mutuals know who to block and b) this isn‘t a taste thing. If it were just a unconventional ship like idk William x Ronald or some shit (Y’know between two consenting adults) yeah okay „ship what you like, don‘t attack others for it“ rules apply. But y‘all are shipping a pedophillic ship and with how much it’s present in the fandom people/minors who like black butler are influenced to think that an adult x a child is ok. Media affects reality.

..oh my, it’s sad to see that this is what I come back to. I forgot all about this ask, dear anon! I had to try and find where this came from, and also try and figure out what you meant in general. Alright, I'll assume this was on my post "..and it got personal(?)" that was posted.. over two months ago? Yes, I think so. Alright on to what you were telling me, I'm not good with English so I'll need to alter the text to something I'll understand. Like, were you using voice to text or..? Anyways! Let's take this piece by piece, yes?

"Yes, antis directly target sebaciel shippers because this allows mutuals to know who to block, and(but??) the issue isn't whether the ship is your taste or not (if you ship it or not?)."

So, if I target someone from literally any other ship I can justify it by saying, 'so you're aware who to block!'? Am I understanding this right? Am I? Fun fact: Some of your mutuals can consist of pro shippers, sebaciel shippers, or people who really just don't care what someone ships (is this the same as pro shippers?). I love how your only 'reason' to attacking is 'sO muTuALs kNoW wHO tO bLOcK'. The lack of reason proves that there really is no reason to target a shipper that's literally just enjoying a ship. Also, when did I say anything about 'taste'? I'm reading over the post and the one or two comments I posted and nowhere do I say that this has to do with taste (But to all my sebaciel shippers- you have impeccable taste *chef kiss*). I said if you don't ship it fine, but I never said: "If it isn't your taste, okay, don't ship it".

"If it were just an unconventional ship like William x Ronald- a ship between two consenting adults- then yeah the 'ship what you like and don't attack others for it' rules apply." What was the use of the word 'unconventional'? According to Google, unconventional means not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed. Bizzare. Weird. Eccentric. Strange. Are you really calling a ship this word? Is it because it's a ship between two male shinigami? Oh, I'm sorry, did you mean 'conventional'? Ah, but no because whatever falls under the 'norm' isn't judged, now is it? So let's say you did mean unconventional. I find that word unnecessary in general. Kind of like me pointing out the use of that word. Unnecessary as hell. Let's get rid of that then.

"If it were just a ship between two consenting adults- like William x Ronald- then yeah the 'ship what you like and don't attack others for it' rule applies." Two consenting adults. Okay, this I can see your point to. But uh, bold of you to assume that when someone says sebaciel we automatically link it to the Ciel we were introduced to or even the small child we were shown a few chapters ago in the manga (I'll talk about this point more in the next segment). In fanart, fanfiction, roleplays, whatever, Ciel is aged up. And if he isn't I've seen cute, chaste, stuff. But obviously, there are the members that keep Ciel as he is with smut included. I understand why this is an issue for some, but at the end of the day, it's a fucking anime/manga. Now if it were some type of show where actors- like real humans- were in it and someone was shipping a literal child with an adult (keyword: literal(seeing how much you antis love to say 'literally')) well then it isn't okay. But because these would be real humans involved. Black Butler doesn't. Unless you count the voice actors- but those are consenting adults so.. ‘ship what you like and don’t attack others for it’ ;)

"But you're shipping a pedophilic ship and with how much it's in the fandom, fans (some including minors) are influenced to think that shipping an adult and a child is okay." Okay. Let's go back to the point I said I'd continue talking about. "But uh, bold of you to assume that when someone says sebaciel we automatically link it to the Ciel we were introduced to or even the small child we were shown a few chapters ago in the manga." If we were to condone that shipping a child and an adult were okay, then we'd begin to draw the eleven-year-old we saw in those chapters. Or, you know, take a REAL child and a REAL adult, push them together and say ‘cute!! <3′ (*blergh*) But we don't. And in you saying that the ship being around in the fandom affects minors into thinking it's okay is like saying "a child who has gay friends will become gay" or "if I like to eat spicy food then you will too just because I do". Like there is no logic to this. Whatsoever. The person who ships something will ship it, the person who doesn't will not.

"Media affects reality." Exactly. Media. Seeing on the media real world affecting topics like LGBTQ+, racism, the pandemic, etc does affect reality. But why? Because it's a topic we live in. It's people who we see, who are around us, who aren't around us but still affect us. But Kuroshitsuji is a pure work of fiction. Fiction. Fiction does not affect reality. It's as simple as that, dear anon.

_____________________________________________________________ If you're asking why it took a month to reply to your 'ask', anon, it's because I've been busy and I'm sure you were as well when you wrote this, seeing how it took me a month to try and figure out what the shit this was saying. If you think targeting someone is justifiable, you're the problem. Especially if they've done literally nothing to you.

But if this isn't what you meant, well then- please learn how to write first and then ask me again. ^^ 'Cause you know, I'm not good with English so I have to alter things.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 2: “I am typically regarded as a joke” - Livingston

Anyways... rip Colin, no idea who that was.. obviously Okay well I think we are out of the first impressions stage of this game and I think I've done an okay job of not making a strong impression one way or another, except to DeNara who I've been talking to most consistently since the start of this game. Except for today lmfao I was NOT active on purpose but I'll try to get to that in this confessional. I saw that the tribe went on a call so I decided to join and chit-chat with the girlies of this tribe and I've gotta say.. I'm lowkey disappointed to learn that despite being a returning player, everybody else on the tribe is friends with each other. Aside from Mo it sounds like they all know each other one way or another and I'm kinda left out of that connection. Even though they might not all be friends, it is a bit uncomfortable to be in a call with people where you know NOTHING they're talking about and you're not catching any of the jokes or references to other games. Also, I noticed that the personalities kinda blended together and these aren't people that I'd get along with in other orgs I play, so.. oops. One highlight of the call was that Nik was talking about Rachael and they were saying that Rachael got rid of them, I believe. Basically just talking about how they view Rachael differently because of that I guess? I was kind of in and out during that. But then DeNara posted IN THE TRIBE CHAT when it was just us three plus Kailyn on the call that Nik was spilling tea... and it was just. so. cringe. Idk if Nik or Kailyn noticed and the fact that everyone else was acting so nonchalant makes me think I missed something but either way I was on mute howling bc of second-hand embarrassment. As far as my current position, I do feel a bit comfortable with where I'm at because although I AM uncomfortable being left out of the friend group, normally I thrive early game when I get underestimated. I'm trying to just not make waves and stick to whatever plans come my way and hopefully people don't view me as a threat. Every time I'd leave and rejoin the call everybody was talking about totally normal IRL stuff so it doesn't seem like people are playing the game yet, but last round I did make a bit of an alliance with DeNara for the time being. Despite feeling like an outsider, I'm going to just continue to look at the positives of every situation because as a pessimistic person by nature, I'm inclined to feel doomed in any scenario. But this is my redemption season. I'm not here to get tenth place, I'm here to win and this season will prove itself to be an uphill battle and I'm just getting started. Tumblr Survivor has always felt like the story of Sisyphus and the Boulder to me. Look into the deeper meaning of the story and I promise a lot of the details do kind of relate to me and my character throughout my run in this community, but the general idea is that I've been tasked with a chore of having to push this heavy boulder up a neverending mountain in Hell. As a returning player, I've faced a lot of hardship when I could've just gotten the outcome I want the first time, and each return to Tumblr Survivor, I've pretty much done worse and worse since then. I'm ready to finally push that fucking boulder out of the underworld and bring myself back to the playing field I deserve to be on. For now, I'm just going to keep pushing.

So glad we won that first immunity. Why am I not surprise to see a unanimous vote for the first tribal. Even a self vote.... hopefully we win again today 

I’m already over this tribe. Keegan and Liv are the only fun ones to talk to, Joey I think tries but also doesn’t. Also low key hoping people don’t know too much about Svalbard cause if people know about Rachael and I being close that could be a problem. I’m not letting my work schedule get in the way of my activity, but it’s a bad sign to me when I’m of the most active people on the tribe. I should be the baseline, not the gold standard

I think our Tribe is a bit laid back. Not much interaction, not really that engaging. I hope Jake and Kevin did a good job at the challenge, I don't want to go to Tribal again. The typhoon here passed, I hope Tribal passes too!

Woo we got out the main inactive person. Although really my entire tribe is quiet and lowkey inactive, but Jake and I talk a lot in PMs which is good. Also Stephen is doing his best with timezones so I know he wants to play bc he's always on when he is able to be on. The next biggest inactive person on the tribe is Kevin, but he instantly volunteered to do the challenge so yay I guess. If we lose though, he is still an option to go in my mind. I'm not trying to make too much of a plan because we could win this challenge and then I'm going to try to open the vault because if we come in first I will have 10 chips. But I still need to figure out if it costs 10 chips to open the vault or if you're just not allowed to look at it until you have 10 chips.

You want a confessional, well here it is. Nothing has happened. To be honest, I’ve barely even spoken to anyone today. Or yesterday for that matter. It’s also been quiet in tribe chat.

I finally got my tribe on a call. Most of them joined in, at least for a little bit so that was nice. The only person that wasn't on call was Ben, which kind of paints him as the outsider of the tribe right now. 

...five seconds later

I want to get to know Mo better and maybe set up some sort of alliance with them, but they are so spotty with when they are on, it is difficult to keep a conversation going. I am not chill enough for this game yet lol.

ok. so like that's annoying. that challenge was supposed to be fun but jake is making a big stink. and like yeah i'm mad too but like it's over and it's just a game it's not like actual money lol. also, i don't really care if we go to tribal. makes you stronger. whatever. i'm sure he's a nice person but like i think he's just mad he lost. whatevs. 

Nik and Rachael did our challenge and won. Thank goodness it wasn't me! What my tribe will soon come to realize is I am basically useless at challenges. Rip me.

...five seconds later

Yay! Mo finally asked if I wanted to work together! Took them long enough ;-) jkjk I am excited to finally start playing this game

So after a heated and undeserved loss - sorry Dan I know we talked about it but I'm sticking to my guns - I start packing my bags. All of a sudden Stephen wants to target John, John wants to target Timmy; and nobody is throwing my name out there... Like... Hello? I just got into a public fight with production, shouldn't I be target number one? And now, Xavier and I are the swing votes... How the hell did the worst Tumblr Survivor Player and a 45 Year old man end up stuck in the middle? What the hell even is this season?

WE LOST AGAIN. So now which alliance to choose?! 

I can't believe this round. I should be the target, why - why am I not the target? I lost the challenge. I yelled at production. I am the easiest vote, but nobody is voting me! What is happening?? Timmy and Stephen made an alliance chat with Xavier and I to vote John. John and Kevin are working together to vote Timmy. Xavier says - "Jake tell me what to do!" Timmy and John are both telling me everything the other one is saying to each other, and it's amazing. I have no idea how Xavier and I are voting tonight. On one hand, you have Stephen and Timmy who seem like a really strong duo. But Stephen trusts me a lot, and if I vote out his closest ally than I'll go down that list - which could be trouble in case of the inevitable swap. John is MY closest ally, but if we vote him out the team is much more united. Do I play for ME or do I play for WE? I'm 95% sure the vote is going to be 4-2, and people are going to be blindsided.

“Theres three tribes! Means we’re less likely to have back to back tribals” -_- sure jan. So we lost again, blergh, looked like an annoying challenge. The tribe is still pretty muted, who knows whether they’re voting for me or not. I made a 4-man alliance with Timmy Jake and Xavier, which i do want, but we’ll have to see if everyone is legit. The two bad possibilities are if everyone is actually voting me for various reasons (timezone, round one oopsie, etc.) or if the real vote is jake for arguing with dan. idk, time will tell. From my POV the vote is John, pretty randomly just based on the fact of who competed in the challenge.

Hiiiiiii So I am very excited to be back in the game again. I very much enjoy my original tribe especially Andrew. We already have a Pennsylvania alliance with Stephanie and I think that that is good groundwork to have moving forward should we ever lose a challenge we already have three that are tight in at seven so if we hear anything about any of them targeting us we can do something about it. I like Livingston a lot and Joey but I can’t tell if Joey is 14 years old or not and that kind of bothers me. I am v excited to get with Kevin and see where me him and Andrew can go 

Winning is great, but we need to lose the next one or it’s gonna be a weird spot if the first swap is at 18, although it is very possible that it’s at 16. I don’t want to go into a swap with all the agency being with Luxor, or us having the most players because in both cases we get painted as the targets. Bad news all around

I have yet to confess but here goes! I feel very good on my tribe. We seem to be doing fairly well at comps so far and I would love to continue to miss Tribal as much as humanly possible. I have talked to everyone on my tribe in some capacity but I am not trying to be the one to initiate like alliances and shit before we even have to attend tribal. I just wanna be chill and lay low while also being a good member of the tribe whom people like. Keegan and I have a mutual agreement to make sure each other gets far. I got first boot in my last game and he has never made single digits here in Tumblr Survivor so let's change that. One fear with working with Keegan is that he knows how I play. I played his game, Forest of Horrors, and got rocked out at the Final 7. Keegan has since told me that I was runner up for Player of the Season. I am typically regarded as a joke in this community but Keegan is someone who knows how I play and respects how I play. This game is an entirely different scenario so I am going to likely try to keep my connection up with him.

So the vote seems like it's going to be John Coffey. I'm quite sad about it for a few reasons. He is really nice and I know we work well together in games and he is a very loyal player. Also, Jake had an entire temper tantrum last night after results and that was just extremely annoying. But, Jake is more active and talks to me more while John is a rare sighting. Tbh I would rather it be Kevin but I think they're getting a pass since they participated in the challenge...always next tribal because knowing this tribe it's a strong possibility. I swear if the next challenge is a music video though I will punch a wall since that will be my death sentence since I do not participate in those. I never feel comfortable so I just don't. If we go to tribal as a tribe of 5, that might not be that good, so just really hoping that that is not the next challenge.

ok here's the tea guys. i am pretty solid in my tribe right now. after this vote tonight there 5 of us, and 4 of us are in an alliance, which is good. HOWEVER, i'm solid with the 3 people separately. that's put me in a good spot for a tribe swap/merge. obviously we're like years away from a merge. but we could tribe swap soon. we shall see! 

[sieben9]

“the devil’s due” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

Dear Lord. This episode. Did I like it? Did I not? I’m not sure, but I sure have some strong feelings on the matter. They just don’t separate neatly into positive or negative ones.

One thing I do know without a doubt, and that is that I might just have witnessed the funniest ten seconds of dialogue in modern television.

“I’m sure we’ll laugh ourselves sick about it one day.”

yeah, that is the face of a man having WAY too much fun.

Anyway, watch me figure out what I think under the cut. Warning, this is even ramblier than usual, and therefore kind of long.

So… yeah, probably not my favourite episode. It’s not terrible as such, and I love some bits and pieces that came out of it, but overall, it just leaves a weird aftertaste.

One of my main problems is definitely that every character seems a bit… off. Not entirely OOC, just “the usual character, but a bit to the left”. And when that’s happening to the entire cast, you do wonder if some kind of alien bodysnatching has taken place. …wait, no, this is fantasy. Maybe a doppelgänger situation, then? Whatever it is, people are being weird this episode, and I don’t like it.

Before I get into anything else, before I get into anything else, though, I just want to mention the one bit I unequivocally liked. And that was Regina visiting Daniel’s headstone. It had next to nothing to do with the actual plot, but it was such a sweet moment, and seeing the look on Regina’s face when she realised that her first love had made it out was just… nice. I liked it. And I appreciate it when we get to see the little moments.

good on you, stable boy.

Just... look at her face! She almost didn’t want to know, and then she was so happy, but also sad, because of course she would be sad, and... ::happy sigh:: Yeah, again: a good moment, this moment.

Alright, on to the main plot. Specifically, the flashback, because it lays the foundation for a lot of… let’s be polite and call it “stuff” in the present.

It took me a while to realise how the plot connects to the present day (more on that later), and even now that I do, I’m still not sure if this flashback was, strictly speaking, necessary.

Yes, we had to introduce drama around Belle being pregnant (apparently), but I’m not convinced this was best way — or even a good way — to do it. At best, the story felt like retreading old ground, and not in the way that showed new facets, either and at worst, it undermines fundamental pieces of established character history. Specifically: one of spinner!Rumple’s defining characteristics was his willingness to do absolutely anything for his son. Now, I’m not blaming him for flinching away from a murder in any way, shape, or form, but I just don’t get with the story was supposed to show me in terms of character depth.

I’m also slightly perplexed by Milah’s reaction to the deal Rumple made with the healer. (And was the only one who thought “if you wanted that guy dead so badly, why didn’t you stab him yourself?”)  No, I didn’t expect her to be thrilled, but… how should I put this… Baelfire is something between five and six in this flashback. Something tells me you weren’t really trying to have any more children at this point.

Also, an honourable mention to this weird Hook-doppelgänger, who turns up in the last couple of seconds.

I mean, we’ve seen other flashbacks of Hook from around this time, and while he might have had his tender moments, I don’t believe he had this full-on Romantic Hero mode in him. Especially not in defence of the complete stranger.

Ah, well, water under the bridge and all that.

Back in the present day, let me start with one little tidbit for those among you who are just as immature as I am: apparently, “Underbrook” sounds exactly like “onderbroek”, which is the Dutch word for underpants. (With thanks to @idesignedthefjords) Do with that knowledge what you will. I mostly just giggled at it a lot.

Alright, back to the actual plot. Specifically:

Belle is pregnant. Yay?

…as with the entire episode, I really don’t know how to feel about that. Good things can have bad timing, but I feel like this timing is particularly bad. (Also, they’ve come this far without addressing Emilie de Ravin’s rather obvious baby bump, so it’s not like this is a “we had to write in the pregnancy to explain the pregnancy” situation.) I mean, if nothing else, my OTP is having a baby and there’s at least some part of me that’s happy about that. But please get your shit together, you two, so I can stop worrying about this whole mess.

In conclusion: I should probably be thrilled about the tiny Rumbelle baby (Rumbaby?), but I’m mostly worried. This has all the hallmarks of something that will go extremely, terribly, horribly wrong, and that’s before we count in the fact that technically, the god of the dead has guardianship over the little sproglet and is currently blackmailing its father.

that makes for two blackmailings this season alone. three more and he gets a free footlong!

Also, remember how Pan is not allowed to use the word “fertile” again, ever, in this world or any other?

Yeah, I’m officially taking the words “baby-making” away from Hades, and he’s not getting them back. Sorry, pal, but you’ve proven that you can’t use them responsibly.

OK, inappropriate humour over (for now), back to one of my more burning questions. Which is “What the hell were you thinking, Emma?”

The fact that you told Milah about Neal shows that you know that his wellbeing is of concern to people who aren’t you or Henry. In fact, you’ve never met the woman before, never heard a single word about her until that hilarious introduction, but you immediately intuited that she’d want to know that her son is safe and happy.

…so why did it never occur to you to tell his father? The man literally spent centuries trying to reunite with his son, and you know all of that.

just my uninformed opinion, but this looks like the face of a man who would have liked having that information earlier. and possibly to his face.

So what was the thought process there? Because what comes across is that she was cruel for cruelties sake alone. Not the best angle for one of the main characters, who’s already looking like a selfish ass for dragging her family down to purgatory to save her boyfriend.

Speaking from a writerly perspective, it’s obviously for Plot Reasons, because otherwise Rumple wouldn’t have scryed for his child, so he wouldn’t have found out about Belle’s pregnancy, Hades wouldn’t have been alerted, and Rumple would have no compelling reason to work for him. I’d still like to think that there is a better way to get all of these points across than… this.

By the way, here’s where the flashback connects to the present-day plot, in my opinion: both past and present Rumple were presented with a choice of taking a life in order to save others. (The parallel isn’t perfect, because Hades didn’t bring up Rumple’s unborn child until later, but I think when the literal god of the dead threatens to kill everyone you brought with you, that still counts as imminent danger.) First time around, he refused and found another way, and was punished for it. Both by Milah’s reaction and, oddly enough, by the narrative. In the present, he doesn’t hesitate to deliver the fatal blow, and that’s presented as a bad thing, too. I doubt this was the original intention, but what I’m getting is “sometimes, there are no good choices”. Which is… well, kind of a bummer. (As an aside, I do have to wonder if Hades let Milah see him on purpose, just to back Rumple into this particular corner. It would fit with his personality…)

The one thing I’m objectively angry at, is the writing. Because I want the people responsible to look me in the eye and say that it was really necessary to fridge the same character twice. I don’t even like Milah, but this just made me really uncomfortable. Are you really telling me that there was no other way to make Hades look “scary” and remind us that Rumple does bad shit when he’s backed into a corner?

good scene, though

In a darkly humorous turn of events, this time it wasn’t even his fault for not telling anyone else about the threat. Because Hades’s ultimatum was basically “destroy this ship right now, or everyone here dies”. That doesn’t leave much time to find a loophole, does it?

If nothing else, I did like the quiet conversation between Rumple and Milah. The two actors really got that underlying emotion of “way too much time has passed for us to still hate each other” across. I think that was reflected in Rumple’s comment afterwards. No, he didn’t enjoy killing Milah (Frankly, I highly doubt he enjoyed the first time, but that’s literally another story), because that part of his life is so far behind him, and so far behind her, too, that all strong emotions have long since burned away. I don’t think he would have begrudged her if she had gotten to move on. Shame that never happened, right? ::glares at writers::

Blergh. Sorry this was such a rambling mess, but I was really happy when I realised this was a Rumple-centric, only to have that joy systematically crushed into a pulp of bewildered incomprehension and a faint sense of betrayal. This episode probably wasn’t bad, from a technical standpoint, but it was decidedly unpleasant to watch.

So, to not close this out on me being mopey and annoyed... here’s the Amazon episode summary.

...dear Amazon: are you sure you sold me the right episode?

[elizabethrobertajones]

I love your meta, but I have a different ask today. I read a post suggesting there may have been a bts Destiel moment before Dean said yes to Michael. Well, the number of vicious comments about “Destihellers” was remarkable. so much hate! I’m new to Tumblr but longtime SPN fan and I don’t understand the vitriol. Clearly some shipped Wincest which, live and let live if that’s your jam, but as neither is canon why the hate? Their use of the term “Asstiel” baffled me too. What’s Cas done to them?

Omg, hi, welcome to the fandom, and I’m sorry that this was your exposure to everything… People are truly awful, and if they feel they have a platform to hurt others, either visibly to make a point (like comment sections on articles, replies on twitter with writers/actors @’d) or just to dispirit obviously new/naive or well-meaning people, they will dogpile on with contradictory comments with their own POV. Their problem is entirely of their own making, in the sense that there ARE live and let live fans of all stripes, but regardless of what these ones ship, their actual fandom engagement is enjoying being in an anti fandom, based around bashing the ship and proving it is fake, for whatever reason like homophobia or feeling their own sense of the show threatened or their ship or whatever, and will go miles out of sensible discourse or kindness to do so. 

A lot of people dislike Cas because he disrupts a pure bros only imaginary version of the show, where the two of them basically drive around for 14 years crying on each other and taking turns to die for each other, and never forming any attachments or character development. Thankfully, the show’s writers are better than that, but the attachment to season 1-2 is too much for these people and the more time goes on the more they hurt and the more angry they get, when they’re among those who instead of losing interest and just not watching more, joined the anti fandom and began trying to identify why they now hate the show.

Just to note, there are people who now hate the show who also ship(ped) Destiel or are people who in their live and let live form would have been fans you’d have readily talked to and would have been nice back to you. But now aggressively accuse the show of being horrible to Cas, lash out at everything as anti-Cas/Misha and think everyone is abusive to Cas or Misha, on a character level or in the PR etc. Like, if Jensen casually teases Misha at a con, then it is seen as hate instead of playful messing around. Or they do the same with Sam or Dean and retreat into really hateful, toxic little bubbles of angry fans who feel let down by the show but are still so invested in some part of it that they can’t leave yet, despite how everything they see is interpreted as awful. Every type of fan does awful stuff and lashes out on social media or dedicates their time to mocking other fans and slagging off the show. 

You have to just block and ignore these people and get on with enjoying the stuff you enjoy, unfortunately, because the internet is just too much of an unregulated social hell hole to ever really block them out entirely and you’ll always stumble on sock puppet accounts or watch someone you thought you could trust not to be that person become that person >.> 

So yeah it’s nothing really that the show has done, it’s honestly I think more a product of our attention spans vs emotional investment and social bonds we form in fandom, because people who still enjoy the show always find stuff to love in it and people who are fed up will hate the same thing. Even if 6 months or a year ago they would have loved it. There’s no REASON they call us Destihellers or call Cas “Asstiel” except that their bitterness has become twisted into hate and they don’t like that people are shipping something else and enjoying it and talking hopefully about it or seeing it in the story, so that leads to knee jerk reactions, anger, and constructing narratives in which their version is the right one. 

But be careful of the persecuted Destiel shippers who are right and vindicated and will send the haters packing when Destiel becomes canon narrative too, because it has some really awful toxic consequences on our fandom which play right into the “Destiheller” tropes they complain about and just feed the stupid, stupid, pointless argument. It shouldn’t even BE an argument. Blergh :P

[jstonedd]

Otonokizaka Private Academy

Final Chapter

Note: I’m really sorry I never got around to finish it, so I’m finally posting the rest of what I’ve written. It would have been the first part of the next chapter, which coincidentally would have also been the last chapter plot-wise. I might have thrown in some other twist if I wanted to go longer, but I think it’s also nice to conclude on a calmer note. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the last bit of this AU. It’s been an honor to write for you guys because you gave me so much back, not just kind asks but also fanart and funny headcanons. 

Summary: Nozomi thinks she can finally get used to her new school.

Words: ~4300

 “Have you seen Honoka?” Kotori asked after taking her seat at the lunch table, looking around for her missing friends. “She stormed out of the classroom the second the bell rang.”

“Some bakery nearby is selling some limited edition bread,” Nico answered distractedly as she struggled to eat her lobster without using her fingers. Nozomi watched her in suspense, ducking in time when a severed lobster leg came flying her way. “Whoops, sorry.”  

Kotori carefully scooted her chair away from Nico. “Will she be back in time for class?”

“Who cares,” Nico grumbled, immersed in her task of eating her seafood without dirtying herself, “I’d take any reason to miss class. Like Hanayo. Calling in sick because she’s traveling halfway across the world just to see a concert, can you believe that? And she asked Rin to tag along instead of me even though Rin doesn’t even know the band!”

“Well, did you give Hanayo any hints that you would be interested in going with her?”

Nico paused in her movements. “No.”

Nozomi and Kotori shared an amused look. “Maybe you need to communicate your feelings to get them across as most people are not mind readers.”

“Blergh,” Nico let out in disgust, sticking out a tongue. “I communicate just fine.”

“I beg to differ,” a voice behind her spoke up.

Kotori, Nozomi and Nico turned their heads to the person who sat down at their table without waiting for an invite. “What? Don’t you agree?”

“Maki,” Kotori greeted with a nod, the first one to recover from her surprise. “I do think that Nico could sometimes express herself better. But are you really in a position to point that out? Something about throwing rocks within a glasshouse?”

Maki ran a hand through her hair to mask her tension, giving Kotori a stiff smile. “Ah you know me, never minded a little self-destruction.”

“That I already knew. But hey, self-awareness is the first healing step,” Nico said with a snort. She eyed Maki with a mixed expression. “Not that I want you gone or anything, but why are you sitting here?”

“Hm?” Maki stole a calamari ring off Nico’s plate and dipped it in a sauce that was on Nozomi’s plate. “What, am I not allowed to sit wherever I want? Besides, Eli and Umi were talking about boring business stuff.”

When Maki reached for another calamari, Nico slapped her hand away. “First of all, mine. Second of all, what’s the real reason?”

“Saw you wrestling with that lobster. And while you’re getting beat by dead seafood, your perfectly fine calamari rings are getting cold and I really can’t stand for that.”

As if on cue, Maki lifted her left hand and snapped with her fingers in front of Nico’s face to distract her long enough to extract a few more calamari rings with her right hand. Bevor Nico could let out an indignant shout, Maki’s mouth was already filled with her stolen food.

“Oh my god, you’re so disgusting,” Nico groaned.

“Thank you, I’m trying to fit in with you,” Maki said, her full mouth still chewing.  

“Wow, aren’t we charming today,” Nico sighed, rolling her eyes. “Just spill it already. Why are you here?”

“Is it so hard to believe that sometimes I feel like socializing?” Maki asked after forcefully swallowing her food down.

She was met with silence and blank looks.

“Yeah, I also wonder how I managed to say that without choking,” Maki muttered with a grimace. “Fine. I’m here because I want to be here. Happy?”

“Not until I earn my first music award, but that’s another question for that matter.” Nico turned to Kotori and Nozomi. “Question: Why is she here? Please discuss.”

“Really?” Maki raised an eyebrow. “You’re making a talk show out of this now?”

“The audience is not permitted to participate,” Nico cut her off. “Nozomi, your opinion?”

Maki waved her hand in front of Nico’s face. “Hello, I’m right here?”

“Nozomi,” Nico repeated in a louder voice, ignoring Maki entirely.

“Um,” Nozomi wanted to laugh over Nico’s and Maki’s serious and incredulous expression, respectively. “Well, if she’s feeling excluded from the business talks, then it’s understandable she would search for attention from somewhere else...”

“Hm, does sound reasonable…we’ll keep that in mind.”

“Reasonable your ass!”

“Kotori, your opinion?”

“Kotori, come on, I know you’re better than this,” Maki said in an almost pleading voice.

Kotori let out a thoughtful hum before a grin appeared on her face. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s here for one reason only.” And she directed her growing smile at Nico, who blinked cluelessly for a few times before slowly turning to Maki with a wide opened mouth.

Maki uncomfortably avoided Nico’s questioning gaze. “Like I said, calamari rings were getting cold.”

“Are you sure?” Nico asked in a half-serious, half-teasing manner. “Only here for the food on my plate?”

Clearing her throat and still avoiding knowing glances from three smug people, Maki added curtly, “And perhaps unfortunately also for the person incapable of finishing the food on the plate.”

“Wow. That’s the most roundabout way someone’s ever talked about me.” Nico tilted her head. “I’m not sure if I should be pleased or annoyed…it feels like I always have to make that decision every two seconds when I’m with you.”

“Well, I would have suggested a coin toss if you’re so obsessed with it, but I’m too rich to carry any loose change on me.”                                                             

“And now I’m annoyed.”

“See, decision made. Always a pleasure to help.” And Maki mockingly imitated a polite bow.

“So,” Kotori decided to interfere when she saw Nico’s hand grabbing her knife a little too tightly, “I’m so glad Maki decided to join us. Makes everything livelier.”  

“Are you certain? Because I’m pretty sure someone’s going to die…” Nico growled.

“Well, seeing that my next class is math, I sure hope it’s me,” Maki said, rubbing her eyes.

“I can help you with that-“

“Stop it!”

Startled, everyone at the table looked to Kotori, who looked just as surprised about her own outburst. But as seconds passed by, she remembered what had made her exclaim in frustration in the first place.

“Nico, put the knife down. Nozomi, take all cutlery out of her vicinity. And Maki…” Kotori’s voice softened. “When were you going to tell me that you’ve taken a sudden liking to seafood?”

Maki stiffened. Her eyes were fixated on a point in front of her. Finally, after seconds of no reaction at all, she threw up her hands. “Fine. Yes, I sat down here because of Nico. She thought I didn’t want to be seen with her in public and I should feel pissed that she thinks that I care about that at all, but I get it. I’m not easy to read and if someone ever figures me out, I’d like the first copy of that manual, please and thank you.”

She released a long sigh and tiredly gazed at Nico. “So here I am. Trying to do…well, something. I’m not sure exactly what but it’s better than nothing, right?”

Maki helplessly shrugged, keeping her eyes focused on the table to avoid Nico’s softening gaze.

“Now was that so hard to admit?” Kotori gently asked.

“Terrifyingly so.” Maki’s fingers nervously tapped on the table. “How do you guys do this scary crap? Sharing feelings and stuff. What a suicide mission.”

“It’s called trust,” Kotori answered quietly. She gave Maki a soft smile. “You trust the other person not to use your feelings against you.”

Upon seeing Maki’s skeptical grimace, Nico added, “Or in your case, you trust the other person not to use your secrets against you.”

Leaning back, Maki observed the other three sitting at the table. “And how do I know when to trust someone?”

She looked into a round of solemn faces until Kotori softly replied, “You don’t. You’ll just have to take their word for it and hope they meant it.”

Maki scoffed through her teeth. “Tch. And that’s how you get hurt.” By Umi, she almost added but bit her own tongue. She was blunt, not cruel. She knew that Kotori had been talking about her own situation when she had answered.

“Maybe,” Kotori admitted with a weak smile, “but isn’t it lonely when you never share anything with anyone?”

“How does that make me lonely?” Maki asked, incredulous.  

“Because no one will know a thing about you,” Nico answered instead, sober eyes searching for Maki’s. “You’ll just be that one rich brat with trust issues, but guess what, this school’s full of them, so you’ll be quickly forgotten. If it weren’t for your last name, you’d blend right in with no personality of your own. Because you never share anything about you. So no one will ever know anything about you.”

Maki’s expression contorted into a scowl. “And shouting all my secrets out to the world will make it better? Have you ever thought that maybe not knowing a damn thing about me is better than knowing all the garbage about me?”    

“I know all your garbage and I’m still here,” Nico countered without hesitation. “So are Nozomi and Kotori.”

Falling silent, Maki lowered her gaze. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms.

“Do you think we don’t have any baggage of our own? We have loads of them and we’d be crushed by them if we had to shoulder that alone.” Nico turned to Nozomi and Kotori with a smile. “That’s why we need friends.” She looked at Maki again with a more serious expression. “That’s why you need to accept that we’re your friends. The kind that doesn’t care about your money or your name. The kind that you can trust.”

Maki uncrossed her arms, running a hand through her hair. She sighed. “I guess I could’ve ended up with worse.” She mustered up a lop-sided smile. “But then again, the only friendships I can compare this to is with Eli and Umi, and they’re not really setting high standards.”

“They don’t even trust themselves.” Nico chuckled without humor. “You can’t help them until they figure out who they want to be.”

“Well,” Maki’s smirk faded, “to their defense, that’s not exactly an easy thing to figure out on your own. I would know.”

“And how did you figure it out?”

Maki closed her mouth, eyes flickering to Nico, Nozomi and Kotori before they settled back on Nozomi. “When Tojo said she wanted to be my friend.”

Nozomi’s eyes widened and her cheeks turned red when she felt all eyes on her. “Why?”

“Because you said it so naturally,” Maki said with a frown. “You said it like being my friend was something you honestly wanted. Like I was someone that people would want to be friends with. And at first I thought you were crazy. Like, it really made me want to laugh that someone would suggest that.”

Before hurt could sneak onto Nozomi’s expression, Maki quickly continued, “But it wasn’t that. I think I was just…” A grimace appeared on her face as if saying the next few words gave her physical pain. “I guess I was happy. And that’s how I figured it out. I wanted to be someone that people would actually want to be around with. For more than just the money and name.”

Nozomi shared a quick glance with Kotori and Nico, and the latter one smiled gratefully.

“I’m glad I could help you.”

“Yeah,” Maki breathed out, one corner of her mouth curling up. “You proved to me that there are actually people who help because they care about the person. I really didn’t believe it before.”

Nozomi’s smile was tinged with sadness. She wanted to reply with ‘I’m sorry no one helped you believe it earlier’, but she swallowed her words.  

“You’ve got to share some of that special power of yours with us, Nozomi,” Nico said jokingly. “We’d be unstoppable.”

Kotori smiled at Nozomi. “Something tells me she already is an unstoppable force all on her own.”

And Nozomi ducked her head with an embarrassed smile. How she wished that this was true.

   Nozomi didn’t understand why she was nervous. It was just a door she had to open, just a door that she had frequently opened in the past month and even back then, when she had been afraid of the person waiting on the other side of the door, hadn’t she been as nervous as now.

“Ah, Miss Tojo,” and Nozomi flinched in shock. She turned around and stumbled a step back when she found herself staring up at Principal Minami’s kind face.

“Director!” Nozomi stuttered, her nervousness rising.

“I was wondering when you were going to open that door,” the principal said with a chuckle, nodding to the door to the student council room. “Judging from your hesitation to enter, I assume you don’t want to continue being in the student council –  but I could be wrong of course.”

“Actually,” Nozomi began quietly, “I do want to keep my position as the vice president.”

To Nozomi’s slight annoyance, the older woman didn’t look surprised at all at her answer, merely smiling back with a knowing grin. “Then I’m glad I assumed wrong. I believe Miss Ayase is already informed of that decision?”

Nozomi nodded.

“Then what are you waiting for? Let’s head inside,” the principal said and opened the door, entering the room first. Nozomi followed her, seeing Eli quickly stand up and bow in respect for Principal Minami.

“Excuse me for intruding,” Minami said with a nod, “as you know, Miss Ayase, our latest vice president has been with us for a month now. I only came to ask if that is an arrangement you both want to keep.”

Eli briefly glanced at Nozomi, who mustered up a nervous smile. Then she turned to the principal. “I’m sorry, Director, but I can’t accept this arrangement. Tojo is not suited to be the vice president.”

Both Nozomi and the principal were silenced in shock. Nozomi felt her heart constricting as she stared with wide eyes at Eli, wondering what was going on inside of that head. How could she reject her in front of Director Minami when they had already talked about keeping the arrangement? Why did Eli try to shut her out again when Eli had been the one to ask Nozomi if she would come back?

“Oh,” Minami slowly said, scanning Eli’s hard expression. “Are you sure? Maybe if you give Miss Tojo an explanation on what she could have done better, she could work on improving them.”

Eli’s jaw tensed. “It’s not her fault. I simply don’t think she should be in the student council.”

“Why?” Nozomi blurted out in anger, not caring if she seemed inelegant or emotional in front of the principal. “You wanted me to come back, didn’t you? Why are you doing this now, why are you pushing me away again?”

“Tojo,” Eli muttered through gritted teeth, glancing at the principal, “not now.”

“I do believe that there is no better time than now,” Minami said, walking towards the door. “I will leave you two to talk it out. By the end of the week, I want a definite answer.” Before she pulled the door shut, she concluded with a smile, “And I won’t accept an answer that is not a hundred percent genuine.”

The door was shut and left the two third years in silence.

“Why…” Nozomi weakly muttered. She was tired, so tired of always being the only one who made an effort to get through to the other person. And each time she thought she had gotten somewhere, Eli would move further out of reach.

Eli’s hard mask crumbled. Her features softened, showing the strained look in her eyes. “When I asked you to come back, I was only thinking of myself. Only thinking about what I wanted.”

“But I agreed, don’t you remember? Because I wanted to come back too,” Nozomi replied in exasperation. “Please, don’t lie to me anymore, Eli. I need the truth.”  

Eli clenched her fists. “As…as you probably know by now, I’m not the most popular person around here. I used to blame it on my last name but the truth is, I’ve made a lot of enemies myself. And the predecessors of your position belong to that group.”

Nozomi swallowed nervously when she was reminded of the unpleasant group of former vice presidents. But she still didn’t understand what Eli could be worried of, she was untouchable, wasn’t she?

“None of the previous vice presidents lasted long because I personally made sure of that. How well do you think they’re going to take the news if I let you stay? You, who came to this school just months ago, who has had no connection to anyone in our world before. A nobody to them.”

It stung, being called a nobody. Nozomi swallowed to get rid of the lump in her throat.

“Pride can be a very ugly thing, especially if you grew up privileged. And I know the lengths some people will go to restore it,” Eli said lowly, grinding her teeth. “I know because I am one of those people.”

Nozomi took one hesitant step towards Eli. “You…is that why you changed your mind about me staying in the student council?”

Eli didn’t look up. “I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place. It was arrogant of me to assume that I could live on without bearing any consequences of the things I’ve done.”

“Eli,” Nozomi whispered, getting a flinch as a reaction, “are you – are you afraid?”

“Of them? They wish,” Eli hissed, starting to recklessly pace around, “I know they can’t do anything to me. And they know that it will backfire if I can trace it back to them. Why do you think did the badminton club just accept the budget cut without complaining directly to us?”

“If they can’t do anything to you, then what are you afraid -,” Nozomi didn’t finish her sentence when she suddenly realized what it was really about. She put a hand on her forehead, wondering how she could be blind. “You think they’re going to target me.”

Eli stopped pacing, staring at the ground. “I can’t always be around you.”

“And I don’t need you to be,” Nozomi replied heatedly, walking over to Eli. “I’m not afraid of them.”

Eli slowly looked up, her eyes finding Nozomi’s. “I know you aren’t,” she whispered, her voice weak, “but I made your life hard enough. I don’t…I just don’t want to be responsible anymore for any pain you feel…” She stared at her trembling right hand, closing and opening her fingers. “I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. The kind of person who hurts people because they themselves can’t feel anything.”

“Eli,” Nozomi breathed, taking Eli’s trembling hand and holding it close to her chest. “It’s not your fault if they choose to target me, they are the ones responsible for their own actions.”

“You don’t understand, the only reason they would target you is because of me,” Eli tried pulling her hand out of Nozomi’s grasp, but the other girl didn’t let go.

“Then let them come,” Nozomi said firmly, “I’m not scared.”

“But I am!” Eli burst out shouting, managing to step away from Nozomi. Her loose bangs fell into her eyes, her gaze wild as she stared at Nozomi like an animal trapped in a corner. “I – I can’t take it, I can’t stand the thought of you starting to regret everything, of you starting to hate me because of them. To them, you might be a nobody, but to me, you’re –“ Eli clenched her teeth shut.

Nozomi closed the distance between them again and before Eli could react, Nozomi threw her arms around her shoulder and hugged her, pulling her in until there was no space left between their bodies. “Eli,” she whispered into the blonde’s ear, “don’t you know that I’m just a fool who cares too much?”

END.

AN: It hasn’t been an easy ride and I thank everyone who participated at some point or another. I’m sorry if I’ve let you down with this ending, which isn’t really an ending just a point where I stopped writing because I didn’t know what to type anymore. I used to be a chronic ‘not finishing a story’ type of author and I’m still amazed that I managed to write Buy Your Love or Soldier Wars, so it really kills me that I couldn’t give OPA the ending it deserves. 

Long story short, the love live fandom has been really kind to me and it was really the best platform for my stories so far, so thank you for everything. Hope I’ll see some of you in another fandom or whereever it takes me

[fishylife]

I’m always deathly afraid of falling back into the "idol” abyss. 

(I wrote about this a few days ago, so I’m trying to remember my thoughts and so this is going to be all over the place)

For a year or so when I was a teenager I was really into Jpop and I never want to return to those days when I was so obsessed with something. I needed to know EVERYTHING about my favourite celebrities and it took up so much time in my life. And I just constantly thought of them. Like I literally didn’t think of anything else (other than like, school). 

Idol industry

Something that’s gotten my attention recently is just how the idol industry works. It’s literally a person factory where they recruit literal children and morph them into whatever they want. 

The concept of idols (especially Jpop idols) is that they aren’t exactly marketing an artist, but rather, an person. It’s just that for idols, you have a real person’s face to go with the archetype. 

For idols, having a fun personality is part of their job. But where do you draw the line between your personality as an idol and your personality as a regular person, off the clock? Because it’s so hard to differentiate the two, I think that is why entertainment companies feel the need to exert so much control over their “products” (the idols).

I think there probably used to be a bigger differentiation between artists when performing (acting, singing, dancing) and when they were not (behind the scenes, promotional interviews, etc.). I think the idea for idols is that even when they’re doing behind the scenes stuff or promotional interviews, they are still acting. They’re acting as their idol aliases. So the time when idols are acting has increased in proportion to the time when they are off the clock and can be their normal selves. 

The other thing that kind of messes with my brain is the idea that idols don’t actually have to be good at their artistry. I read an article recently about Produce 48 and comparing idol cultures in Korea and Japan. In Japan, idols’ jobs are to look like they’re having fun and to be cute, whereas apparently in Korea, the music industry was a lot more mainstreamed so idols could only survive if they became the best musicians. 

The other thing that throws me off, however, is that there are such defined roles in groups, especially Kpop groups. There are members that only sing and members that only rap. There are some members that are known for being “lead dancers” (despite all of them actually having to dance). Not to mention how the “vocalists” don’t even really get to show off their actual singing a lot of the time because they have to dance very complicated routines. And the wildest “role” for me was the concept of a “visual.” Apparently a visual is someone who is good-looking, and that’s their role (usually not their only role, but the idea that this exists was completely new to me). 

Here’s the thing, if I want to listen to a great singer, I don’t usually listen to an idol group. If I want to listen to a song that’s very well arranged, I don’t usually listen to an idol group. What I do go to an idol group for, however, are dance routines (especially Kpop groups) or music videos. So I guess idol groups have become more about dancing and look/feel than the music.

Fan culture

The fan culture is the other thing that I look at and just do a double nope out. I don’t know what it is about idols, but there’s some weird pressure to keep up with every single release/appearance/interview of a favourite group. I don’t know where it comes from but it’s there. 

It’s easy to look at the crazy extreme fans of idols and say you’d never do something like that. But it’s important to look at how idol culture targets its fans. 

One of the most obvious appeals of the idol industry is marketing young men/women as approachable people who “could be your next significant other.” This kind of thinking obviously targets a certain group of people, a group of people who perhaps feel lonely. 

Back in the old days, I think there was a more of an understanding that celebrities were this “untouchable” and “unattainable” group of people. With social media (making celebs more accessible), fanmeets/conventions, etc. fans have more opportunities to meet their favourite celebrities. So the idol industry is working towards making fans’ fantasies of meeting and befriending/dating their favourite idols more and more perfect.

The ugly truth, as always, is that the higher you climb, the harder you fall. When fantasies are too perfect, any small thing, any hair out of place, can mess up the fantasy, leading to negative reactions from fans who rely and embrace the fantasy. I totally get it. Sometimes I see news of my favourite male celebrities dating and it makes me sad even though I know it’s not like I’m ever going to meet them and date them. Because I’ve fallen victim to the fantasy that I could one day meet and date them. 

Sorry my thoughts don’t really connect here. What I’m trying to say is that I think that yes, some fans are crazy, but I think it’s because idol culture targets a specific demographic by creating more and more unrealistic dreams, and when those dreams are shattered, you get drastic reactions. I just think it’s a very, very unhealthy fan-celeb relationship. 

I mean, I already think that fan-celeb relationships are very strange and that is why I never want to meet or be near any of my favourite celebrities. They just have a very strange sense of power over me and it’s not like we could ever be real friends because I was a fan of them before and had a distorted image of who they are. 

Idol dramas

Very recently did I discover there was a distinction in dramas between “idol dramas” and “normal dramas.” I think there is an understanding that idol dramas don’t really feature the best writing or acting, but instead focus on aesthetics, good looking and popular actors and actresses, nice clothes, etc. The other “normal dramas” are the ones you’re supposed to go to if you want a great story or terrific acting. I suppose this is the entertainment industry being self aware and I think it actually helps me to compartmentalize and not get caught up in idol culture because there are tons of dramas that don’t rely on idol popularity or celebrity-related pizzazz to create an engaging story. In fact, I now prefer that I didn’t know any of the actors in the shows I watch because it lets me focus on the story and the characters rather than the celebrities who are acting. 

Sorry for this whole stream of consciousness post. I wish I’d written it better but it’s late at night and I just want to get it out. 

It’s just that every time I re-dip my toe into Kpop or Jpop I need to remind myself why it’s not good for me personally (because of how stressed and anxious I felt when I was an idol fan). I hate that I do fall into the trap because dammit I have dreams of dating a handsome man too, but I hate the idea of having an unattainable fantasy marketed to me because it’s unattainable. So I need to remind myself why I can’t fall into the trap. 

I know some people will be like, bro, just like what you like. But I know for a fact, that being someone who gets easily obsessed, getting into idol culture will NOT be good for me. I just need to convince my heart to heed the words of my brain.

I know I’m a hypocrite because I say all this and yet I still get caught up in celebrity culture. I’m trying to be a fan in a healthy way. I just feel that idol culture is not healthy for me. I can’t help being a fan of shows and sports and stuff. Because they are part of my interests. But fan culture is a whole other monster and I need to remind myself to be a healthy fan, not an obsessive and unhealthy one.  

blergh. good night.

[waldowski89-blog]

Two Lazy Weeks in the Making… (somewhere at the beginning of August 2017)

(Edit: Okay, the title sounds more dramatic than the actual bulk of this post but lets get into the ramblings of a madman who talks about nothing whilst trying to make it sound interesting. I’m also going to have to do a lot of writing as I want to catch up with all the post I’ve missed… which is a lot. Off we go into the post then)

(After Edit: Scroll to the credits music at the bottom and you can also listen to some albums/music that I listened to while writing this)

Hello again, I’m back! Not that I really left. I’ve been over on Twitch and Twitter mainly. So I’ve got lots of plans for social media stuff and am keeping myself busy. I know this shouldn’t be a diary type thing. Those can be boring. Especially mine seen as nothing much really happens in my life… honest!

I will be starting an Instagram account this week… yay! Please feel free to follow me on all my different accounts. It sounds like it’s all me me me (meme, har har) but I promise you it will all be entertaining… like a train wreck is entertaining. Tune in to watch a fully grown man go slowly insane. (Edit: That’s a laugh)

I’ve said before that: “Waldowski” is a character of mine and he is. However, my own personality seems to be… “shining” through in his work… or my work I suppose.

(12/8/17 (Edit: English style date)):

Right, so I wrote the top part a few days ago (Thurs 10/8/17 I think) and now I’m coming back to this. I’m going back to my old schedule and goals and adding a few things. When I do Twitch streams, which should be everyday. TWITCH STREAM ERRYDAY *AIRHORNS* I may do longer than an hour. I just bought Assassin’s Creed Origins too so stay tuned for that, exciting stuff! (Edit: I literally just bought it because I forgot to enter the discount code. What a mess!)

I was watching a vid earlier about Michael Jackson’s involvement in creating the music for Sonic 3. It was very interesting and I have heard about this before. The whole thing is pretty much confirmed now but it’s interesting to follow all the theories and research that’s been done into this. I won’t reiterate what’s already been said but I will link the recent vid on the subject. There are links in there too so hopefully I haven’t sent you into a research, insomniac inducing frenzy of a pit of information where you’re just holding a steaming cup of coffee with straggly hair and bloodshot eyes just looking for your next fix on that Michael Jackson/Sega music conspiracy… and breathe. Sorry for that long sentence, I got carried away.

Okay I’m back writing this again on 13/8/17. I’m going to finish this post tonight! I’m watching Key and Peele again. Those guys are funny, anyway, what I’m doing is writing out four pages by hand with my brilliant Parker fountain pen… okay… I think I’ve really lost it. I’m coming back out of retirement (secret link of more Key and Peele I didn’t post on twitter) (Edit: I put it in the Research section below too. Also, thanks to Philip DeFranco for the idea of a secret link. What fun!)

More plans are a: “Let’s Read” YouTube channel called: “Waldowski Reads”. I still have to get a few things to set that up first. It will be much like a let’s play channel but with me trying to read a book… funny, eh?

This kinda reminds me of when I’d do work at University. I’d have to set goals, plan things, etc… I have been doing this but falling behind lately. In any case none of that matters now. I’ve gotta move on and get on with actually doing stuff.

So, everything’s planned out for a little while for me. Anything happening out there? (apart from all the bad news of course. I already know about that stuff) I genuinely mean it too with following me on social media. I try to talk to as many people as I can nowadays.

Blergh, how did I do this before? A few months ago I’d bang out 1,000 words like it was nothing.

Oh my God, I totally forgot, Na Wri Mo (Edit: Almost, but it’s Na NO Wri Mo because it happens in November) is happening soon. Ugh, I’d always wanted to try it for years. What I’m worried about is one whether what I write will be any good, if I stick to it (quitting will feel like a massive failure for me) and if I’ll take it seriously (nothing should, I suppose) (Edit: Kinda gave up on the numbering of reasons, didn’t I ?) but I’ve had a tendency to let things travel into the realm of ridiculousness before… hmn, maybe that’s a good thing? It might turn out silly and fun for once. I’m not putting “The Vague Chronicles” in there either. Maybe the characters can crossover, I dunno.

It’s pretty much 12:00am as I write this. I’m gonna get it finished before I sleep anyway. So it’s four sides of handwritten A4 pages… did I already write that?

In any case, I keep liking vids on YouTube but they don’t stay liked (random I know but what else can I write… look at this shit. How the fuck is my Na Wri Mo (Edit: Pleb) project going to look? I don’t even have a plan Jesus Christ. Also yes I’m swearing… I’ve been drinking a little bit too. I’m not an example of how life should be lived… this is just an account of how I’m living mine)

Shit, I’m supposed to disappear. Well, at least in novel writing I am. Writing is about the characters not me, at least that what I’ve been told. I’ve also been told: “Write what you know”.

Back again. Been distracted by life. In… anyway what I was saying was ugh… it doesn’t matter I’m not supposed to be in the story, my characters are… but why do I become them sometimes? I have to… that’s the point.

So, this is the last page (handwritten anyway)

Damn, look at this, I’m letting myself get distracted at every turn. It’s 4:04 in the morning and I haven’t finished. I’ll have to type all this up tomorrow. Hello me! Weird right? You’re typing this up and I’m talking to you. (Edit: … yes very… I hope I get back to the point, whatever it was)

So, seriously. I dunno. This pen is kinda cool, right? Tired AndwewsiesTM. This will go up on Tumblr. I know I’m irrelevant at the moment. So drunk WHO CARES ABOUT THAT!? Nevermobf.

So, Assassin’s Creed Origins is coming soon… in October. Hopefully I’ll be ready to do a let’s play/stream hey I might even do an unboxing. It’s a collector’s edition with a figure and other stuff too. I’ll do it like the vid I’m showing someone now. Wink wink. (Edit: It was just me reading the handwritten version out… HUSHIES) She gets to see the handwritten stuff. This is her day after all! The best fan/troll anyone could ever hope for.

Gosh my writing is getting bad, so drunk. I’m okay of course. Oh! So there’s like four things I think I have to link in this “blog”. Um, the Michael Jackson Sonic 3 vid, the music from the Jetzons associated with that, the Key and Peele vid, oh and finally the AC Origins pic.

I’m back but for now… goodbye and I will see… MAY see you tomorrow. My name’s Waldowski and thank you to everyone who read this or listened.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ILY UWU!

AW

Research Links:

A Brief History of Michael Jackson's Sonic the Hedgehog 3

The Jetzons - Hard Times(Sonic 3 Ice Cap Zone Act 1 & 2 Remix)

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker - Sega Genesis - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 63

I’m Coming out of Retirement One Last Time...

Credits Music:

Thought Beings - Italo Nights

Tommy '86 - Disco Machine - [FULL EP]

Nightcrawler - Strange Shadows - [FULL EP]

VHS Glitch - Halloween Strangers [FULL ALBUM]

Bonus

Off we go...

Into uncharted lands...