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avpdpunpun · 5 years

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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

#text #update #mostly tagging this for myself to read later if i ever start blogging frequently again

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deuce-duce · 4 years

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I enjoy writing this because I mean we can't read eachothers minds... right?! I wish I could sure would make things helluva lot easier...! I want you to consider something and then were going to discuss a few hypotheticals... first, knowing what I have explained previously you might realize I never asked to be who I am... or to rise to the level things have gotten to. I guess sometimes you just don't get a choice as to what piece you are in the game of chess... unless you choose to be a pawn that position is always chosen! But pawns can chose who they want to be when they make it to the other side... That being said the only reason things have reached the level that they have which im sure you might not agree with, but I believe its primarily because of a broken society... and an unreliable 🍇. I mean since when has gossip ever been true?? My experience starting in grade school, gossip was always used as a way to discredit someone or make them look like a fool. Not only that but the amount of inconsistencies and nonsense associated with this situation should have raised some red flags... lets say those flags were raised and a lot of you were thinking hmmm something just isn't right here it doesn't make sense, things just don't add up! Were half way there, in what world/society do you get these red flags and choose to not even ask or say anything to the person involved... Really?! Especially when your told not to tell me that you know who I am... Idk about you but I'd like to live in a place where things like this don't happen at all... but thats simply not reality. But when something of this magnitude is occurring there shouldn't be some type of uncomfortable stigma surrounding the person in question... i think you catch my drift.

Hypothetical time... please appease for a moment. lets just say hypothetically that everything i have told you is true. If thats the case I'd say that whats occurring and those that are involved are wrong and is really fucked up! Right?! The crazy part is what I have laid out for you is only the half of it!.

What do we do?! Turn a blind eye and just hope we are more diligent next time? Thats a viable outlook and requires the minimum amount of effort and individual consequence... so i get it... i can't take it anymore personally but all I can do is my best. Not that there weren't people trying to help which I appreciate but sometimes "we become the cancer that were trying to remove"

a common theme that people like to promote is one life one world one opportunity!! Even one of my my favorite artists Eminem, (got me through my childhood) specifies you only get one shot!! "If you could cease everything you ever wanted in one moment would you capture it!?? Or just let it Slip!!??: I couldnt agree more!! The controversial side of this is that your thoughts on what shot i should be taking and the actual shot I'm taking are very different! A big influencer in my decisions is the craft created by NF "I wanna look at my kids in the face when I'm older

And say I've been something admirable

Fast checks, fast women, that don't inspire me, no!

You don't wanna know what's goin' on inside my personal life?

Then get out my diary" I just don't understand why no one else sees it! I dont think anyone in history or anyone ever again will have the opportunity i have! Or that we all have as a collective. Do we harness it or just let it slip?? To be perfectly honest it is more meaningful and more challenging then anything any of us will ever face again! If I fail then I guess we will all have something in common in the fact of... at least i tried.

Last night was interesting i wont go into details but this dude was trying to tear me apart by talking about me inadvertently to a friend of his... saying oh I wish i was that smart... but i go to such and such college... I tried to make small talk becayse although I knew he was talking about me he couldnt say anything to me directly. Shooting the shit atarted out ok... but I don't think my mind is geared that way... it wasnt long before i was talking about running for president for 2020 my slogan being Enough is Enough. He said that was somewhat abrasive and wished me luck! It wasn't long before i realized he really couldn't stand me and was there to belittle me and well lets just say if theirnot with ya, then their against ya. Definitely in my situation. But I told him oh I see what your side your on... he said what side is that...? It doesn't matter well if your just going to judge me and create a bias then this conversation doesn't mean shit... i said thanks for saying it for me... he didn't like that! But realized I had made the right decision. So I feel better about how things went after that. Becuase all he was trying to do from that point forward was make me jealous... too bad he's actually queer!! And for some reason is either jealous or threatened by a homeless bum...So i don't even know why i let it bother me.

Cool thing though we talked about society and how most eat whatever their fed. now i could into some long winded analogy explaining how this takes place with not only the food we need to nourish our bodies but also the food needed to nourish our mind and soul. And because we dont bother to do the research or find out the truth we continually pollute our minds bodies and souls... After I told him that the conversation was pretty much over I could tell he was mad and talking to myself loud enough for anyone around me to 👂 I said dude I'm fucking brilliant and I'm going to win... this is when he thought it clever to go buy the women that i complimented drinks... oh well!

Another person I met was cool finance major had something eating him up and he asked me what my advice was on the matter. I told him what I thought, which I think was good advice then changed it a little bit because bearing your soul isn't easy! Which is what would have been happening. I told him how much i wanted to conform and be just like the rest of the population here but for some reason my mind literally puts up blocks... he said thats because your not supposed to get the easy road... but i want to yelling at this point and he said nope you gotta take your cards and flip em!! He said that because i told him about eminems song beautiful and he knew exactly what album it came from which was impressive but Em says no one asks to get the bullshit hands were dealt we have to take the cards and flip em ourselves and not to expect any help! Gave him my card which is the only one without a # !?!?!?!?!? Ikr cray!

This really pretty girl I talked to for about a total of thirty seconds complimented her hair and made a couple wise funny comments/questions... then said have a good night and fled... like always.... ugh...

Haha other then that i was trying to find a place to sleep which was difficult but finally found a place. And what do you think i did??? I'm sure you already know so ill spare you!!

Good night

P.s. had another conversation with a psych major. After discussing Maslow's hierarchy I was curious to know how one knows when they have reached the summit of the pyramid?! She didn't know either. Told her it would be a good question to ask her professor and went to catch my bus. After boarding I looked it up there are 9 principals or characteristics that will be prevelant once acquiring self actualization. Thats it just thought it was a cool discovery ✔ it out!!

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misterbitches · 4 years

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unpop opinionz abt bl or just my opinions. that may or may not be popular. stream of consci. no one has to care or read. i will do this whenever i like or when i am drunk and/ or high. like now. i do tharntype + sotus, uwma, lbc, and MODC...and long ass writing and spoilers so if u stumble it aint my problem

tharntype:

some user on here blocked me cos i said rape is bad*. and it is. and it’s stupid. and not done right it has no place in these writers, who really cannot write, or producers hands. it’s easy for people to judge it because it allows itself to be judged. and bl doesn’t fix its own issues. it just keeps perpetuating. when you gain an ounce of respect for women mayhaps that will change and we fuck up all that misogynist shit in our brains (FREE YR MIND)

but anyways i skipped til like ep 6. i barely know what the storyline is and id ont care. it isnt that interesting. they’re not great actors but i like the look of that bigger one. together their chemistry is fun i wouldn’t say like....as deep as i would like but watching them is nice

(this is where the wife/husband thing is relevant. i watched 6 - 13 a lot. so the father saying “as long as you’re not the wife i’m ok with ur HOMOSEXUAL rship then” but it turns out his son was the “wife” and guess what? that’s gross. if you can’t write female characters then leave us out of it.)

anyway i can see why people didn’t watch it. i say skip everything and see how they are together. the skinnier one is not as good w like idk. being seductive? but he’s fun to watch lol. together they are nice. i really enjoyed watching their dynamic.

some of the kissing was a lot but not in a bad way. i think if they had a deeper connection i would feel it more. but i saw gifs of them and piqued my interest and i clicked(footnote 2)

the actors as themselves and whatever their rship is fun to watch..i read some UNSAVORY things about one of the actors with another dude in another show but whatever.

hm what else....yea the show is ok. theyre not great actors. cute together. sometimes when they kiss there was way too much like breathing jesus christ shut up. they totally could have done some inverted tropes but they didnt bc why would they.

a...c? c-? i give it? maybe that. people who had some criticism for it were right (like me :P) idk why i got BLOCKED cos i was JUST SAYING. rape in a story for no reason or as a startoff for lust is ridiculous. disgusting. i wont ever shut up about it. it helps no one and doesn’t help the gay community (can go down a rabbit hole here, too)

C- (this is generous but D+ seemed kinda mean...)

sotus + sequel:

idk why but i’ve seen some things flaoting around about the light guy. idk if they are true or not. i did not like that. i saw this before i read those tho (abt him not being comfortable)

this is what im talking abt...and this is where gmmtv will fail. but most bls. they’re CLEARLY worth something. they make money. the actors are a draw for others. i am not a thai citizen nor a thai teen so but i am assuming many get popular. this is because there’s a formula that is almost always stuck to. i am guessing that the channel is a public broadcast (not an HBO type) so there has to be more censorship

i LOVE seeing what countries with less production $ or a more current industry, (like in SEA tho ppl hav ebeen making revolutionary art foreverrrrrr don tforget there’s more than dramas) create. there’s less money and stuff and maybe the editing isnt good or a certain way the drama is shown is very particular and not always appealing. i am nigerian, i respect that shit. nollywood is that shit too.

and as people ge tmore $ for prods or more public support they get better (i cannot emphasize how MUCH BETTER SOUND HAS GOTTEN FOR THAI SHOWS OMG dramas in general but)

so sotus kind of suffers from lower prod quality. but also the acting is bad. sorry it is. i like the darker guy (sorry im too lazy to google names but...singto? right? hes a good photographer) and he has gotten better or wil get better i think but. yea. terrible acting lol

also like...u can tell that other dude wasn’t totally comfortable or they just didnt know each other enough. i don’t know. it was very much two guys standing next to each other now like kiss once. the reluctance to show like affection even in private settings is BONKERS TO ME. literally it’s like these men have the most sterile rships and that is suchhhh an issue in BLs, particularly the thai i guess.

tbh if the storyline was better and if they had more chemistry it would be better to me. i know ppl love it, i dont really get it lol...their kisses r ok...idk it’s like a waste of time. i’ve tried watching it like 1000000 times

thats all i have for now

*im oversimplfying. i think it was bc ppl were being harsh. but any excucses people want to use the fact is that....rape bad and that’s stupid ok. but it sucks cos i wanna rt their gifs sometimes but nope lMAO

i know im not wrong so...

lbc, uwma, modc:

I LITERALLY CANNOT WATCH THESE ACTORS. I’M SORRY I CANNOT. THEIR FACES MAKE ME FURIOUS OR THEIR ACTING. I DONT KNOW WHY. i am shocked i dont totally hate saint bc i abhorred the character in LBC and like. every ounce of it. i dont rly like taht small dude from uwma (the past s/l?) i just cant w his face, and modc...omfg....the guy was so fucking SICK LOOKING

this is where footnote 2 comes in: if i cannot handle ur fucking face i will hate the drama. the secondary char in tharntype like the highschooler? oh my god i wanted to die too but like. shit. i wouulda watched for teamwin but that was barely there. and i could not get through modc. the couple with the age gap is gross, and i lit cannt look at this hot-ass big guy making out with a stick that dies

i cant be the only one. i didn’t like uwma dude’s face in the other drama he was in either. i like him as a person. maybe if i could see him do something else. ...

oh this is also why the first 2 moons....i hated...pha’s....whole.....existence. his face, his attitude, fuck. maybe it’s the playing up the femininity part of someone but then having them being a fuckin doormat. sad cos in lbc and modc the main love interests i like. but they’re also stupid. and just. god. stupid fuckin rships.

too much emphasis is put on love as The Thing but they can’t even exhibit love the way they should. idk what im SAYING IT’S JUST WORDS

had sth else to jot down but i forgot i may update this and remind meself

#thots #my thot #a thot #idk if it counts as 'a thot' bc that tag is for INTELLECTUAL AMBIEN NONSENSE

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lilietsblog · 7 years

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LETS GO MIRAI NIKKI LIVEBLOG THIS TIME HOPEFULLY WITH SCREENSHOTS

(update: nope didnt work. guess i do have to save the pics separately and not just copy-paste them into an rtf o well)

last time on: is Gasai trying to kill them??? i have no idea last time she was onscreen they (she and Yukki) were drinking soda from the vending machine????

I LOVE AKISE AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS SO MUCH like theres the normal guy freaking out and then theres this beautiful white haired disaster

meanwhile I think Yuno is??? roleplaying??? like she counts on him being non-responsive to play out her fantasy of being a caring housewife? anyway yeah she's done this offscreen huh. that was a jarring transition

AND SUDDENLY OPENING its somehow SUDDEN every time and I admire that man I love this opening so much and I cant take a single screenshot reflecting how awesome it is because the entire Thing is constant movement so hey Akise whatcha thinking man I love just the CONTRAST Akise:

Other people:

what is it with me and characters who never show their emotions on their face or in their voice but act exclusively based on them??? like theres this very specific anime trope of a white haired character who is stoic as fuck but instead of making rational decisions motivated by human people logic they do 100% self-destructive things based on curiosity / love / sense of duty / whatever the fuck else and in the end they appear to be missing precisely one emotion and that's self-preservation (yes self preservation is totally an emotion look it up) Akise is that exact trope and I LOVE IT SO FUCKING MUCH meanwhile, Yuno is having trouble feeding an unconscious prisoner... what an unexpected problem that could in no way be foreseen. let me guess: she's going to try to wake him up so he can swallow his damn katsudon ah no instead Hinata intervenes. hon SHE BEAT HIM UP AND TIED HIM TO A CHAIR HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK SHE CARES IF HE WANTS KATSUDON. what made you think speaking up was a good idea here

theres a meme of 'ask someone whos not in the fandom to interpret whats going on in this picture' but you know i think random ppl would identify this situation 100% correctly +- who Hinata is to Yukki. this anime is a cultural icon "Aren't you Yukiteru's girlfriend? Can't you tell?" I love the moon logic this anime operates on, that people inside it are forced to work within. Hinata knows how to put it in the one and only way Yuno would be willing to engage with it, ha. Aaaand looks like it's less roleplaying and more delusion. oh Yuno ah she figures out how to make him open his mouth by pressing on his jaw Yuno honey maybe the police wont come after HIM but after the shit you pulled it sure as fuck will come after YOU then again according to Akise it was coming after you anyway I guess I'm morbidly curious as to exactly how Yuno is going to organize Yukki peeing >_< huh, a sock aaaand Akise goes for the win! two skulls alas I already know One Spoiler that they are her parents, and her actions Almost Kinda Make Sense in that dream logic way so I think last time we saw the bodies they were mummies? but now that's definitely skeletons. huh

okay I'll be honest this is a reaction I did not predict this anime keeps surprising me with happenings that make perfect sense in retrospect, I really respect that about it OH IS THIS THE SCENE THAT SCREENSHOT SET WAS FROM NO I THINK THAT WAS YUKKI ASKING HER but Akise what the fuck are you counting on, that she'll come murder you in person??? I doubt all three of you could overpower her in Murder Mode tbh did you see her with an axe oh right you didnt :>

OH HEY THAT'S CLEVER I like how Yuno goes between 100% self-delusion about Yukki and painful 100% sane clarity about the horrible stuff with the other option being relatively normal interactions with Yuuki, memory suppression about murders and cheerful willingness to kill anyone for Yukki I think that second option really is better for her long-term )= you two do you realize she hears you as well maybe shut up okay no not really -I- know she's thinking because of the camera movement and stuff, -they- don't aaand she laughs. i dont think anyone (other than Akise I guess) saw this coming okay yeah looks like the gamble failed. the mind-preservation instinct of retreating into delusion overpowered the more mundane concerns so that's totally ventilation up there huh. I'm not sure if the gas plan will work for her huh so hum moment of truth WILL Akise send the email to the police or was that just a threat? (orrr the police might know already? he might have told That Nice Cop Guy about it) awww Kousaka's dying message is kinda cute

kinda superfluous - the police already know who they're looking for - but nice AHAHAHA POST LIMIT THAT'S KINDA HILARIOUS THAT'S WHY EVERYONE ELSE JUST USED THE MEMO FUNCTION ah no the rank increased fair enough wait what????? what the fuck @ Deus ah okay to clarify: what the fuck @ 8th well hey it worked out! I still quesiton a ventilation duct in a gassing room but hey I guess there was a lot of gas and Yuno didn't see a reason to conserve it and Kousaka's question is of course why the fuck is Yuno in her underwear. I mean... fair enough, I'm kinda curious too omfg

HELLO POLICE I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A MURDER oh right... bad joke anyway I like how camera doesn't play along with Kousaka, while he's saying he's the ultimate weapon he's literally blocked by Yuno's head. we know who the main character is oh hey Yukki is coming to his senses! but can't talk huh right I figured it'd be the soda

*whaps with newspaper* NO NO BAD YUNO STOP THAT (she's drawn so prettily tho damn <3)

oh my sweet summer child you don't know the rules of this game AT ALL hum and the girls can't escape the same way he did because they aren't tall enough dude she's gone up against like five diary owners already and came up on top every time you don't know who you're challenging

huh she actually agrees to play the game wonder if that's genuine or if she has a plan like, I can imagine she's just been pulled into the situation and the role of the big bad setting up traps enough to enjoy toying with people and not just getting her way at the very least she hasn't axe-murdered him... or Hinata for that matter... yet

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED it definitely wasn't just one event tho. Yuno doesn't act like someone who used to be a normal healthy kid in a supportive environment until One Bad Thing Happened and took their entire world. No, Yuno is acting like someone who'd built up the dissociation/delusion defense mechanisms over a long, long time, like, say, a victim of abuse who finally snapped and then didnt find a way to snap back I just wanna knooooow

OH MY GOD SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS A PLAN IS IT NECROMANCY IS SHE GONNA DRESS UP YUKKI AND HINATA AS HER PARENTS WHAT THE FUCK hum what did Yukki realize that's not a key is it?

IT ACTUALLY WORKED I CAN'T BELIEVE aaand

yeah at least she didn't kill him... immediately hum

Hinata and Yukki are both tied up so I'm not sure what they can do together behind Yuno's back but I know a foreshadowing shot when I see one for all that this anime keeps genuinely surprising me with twists, it does take care to make the events easy to follow, and I like that this is Quality Storytelling

yeah but it would have shown a Dead End, right??? or does it not work like that because it's like a 'secondary' diary, an offshoot of the 8th??? I wonder

AHAHHA sorry Yuno you're used to being up against diary owners, but so is Yukki, and he's been growing more competent at this too

NICE and she'd given him his own diary -> ???? brilliant decision but seriously if Hinata did something to Yukki wouldn't that be predicted orrr I guess Yukki's actions were actions of a diary owner so when he made a new decision based on his diary (again, brilliant decision) it changed he prediction ooooohhh she kicked the key that wasn't doing anything to Yukki in itself, it just enabled Yukki to act, which, again, the actions of a diary owner three diary owners????? please tell me that's Akise and Mao and oh right Kousaka was the third one the math doesn't add up :x I think the three diary owners would be able to find them bc of Kousaka's Diary and that's the 8th's plan

this must look so utterly surreal from the side

Yuno? You're not going to drug me and tie me up and try to kill my friends, are you? This girl seriously needs to learn how normal relationships work and I Yearn to learn what the fuck fucked her up like that.

BAD MOVE YUNO HE ALREADY TRIED THAT THIS IS THE RESULT

congrats Yuno you Fucked That Up

sorry but... yeah. you deserve this

???? someone in the cast lives in an orphanage??? I'm calling Akise in that case

oh nm it's something else huh

ah that's what it was oh Kousaka everything about you was a bad idea ...

... what

it really, really fucking isn't Yukki acted on information he had, and made the best decisions he had available. but he can't control other people's actions

...are these... the apprentice diary owners? how does the system work, anyway? how does the 8th send them after anyone? Kousaka has no clue...

uh was the dramatic slo mo effect in-universe too??? they were kind of racing on opposite lanes that couldn't have taken more than like. two seconds

see that's not wrong but. you really need to up your girlfriend game dammit im just rooting for Yuno in all this. you go girl. you fight your inner demons and figure out a happy ending for yourself damn that felt like a really long episode. probably because of the screenshots here's a proposition of a new function for the tumblr staff: uploading .rtf files automatically, splitting into several posts if they are too big. thats the kind of convenience the social media is supposed to offer, right? oh hey Murmur's diary! third installment of the You Saved Me series

beautiful

you naive fucking child oh my god Murmur

MURMUR NO

so was this, like, a dream or something? hum interesting

#liliet watches mirai nikki #still no screenshots

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tamiddyinyourcity · 5 years

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I've got a date tomorrow

Shoutout to me for getting asked out last Friday! Cute tall blonde guy at an ice cream shop kept giving me super huge ice cream sample scoops, and quite literally gave me "can i get your number" eye looks....

Which luckily I caught onto.

Not only from the look, of course, but since he asked for it like... maybe ten seconds later at the cash register I guess? Hard to miss a signal when its that obvious. And the rest is relatively obvious on how the texting has went!

And not to be depressing, but also the day before the anniversary of a certain cute blonde skater boy and I's first meeting...

The only funny thing is they're both blonde, but otherwise hey it helped me not spend that day or night all moaning and groaning over horribly failed relationships, if I've got a cute new fellow to show me around the city.

I.... am nervous, forreal.

Internet dating? Easy, since the guy to girl ratio is way off, and it'll be obvious from the jump if someone is loco or not from the way they talk to you anonymously or over kik or some shit. You can always block them if its weird! And you don't have to worry about stuttering, bad jokes, anything... since hey, over text you can take ten minutes to think of a clever reply.

With someone you meet in person?

You can fuck up so easily.

PLUS, at least online, you can google a person or whatever... or obviously you trade instagrams or whatever, they scroll your page and try not to like the 34 week old picture you took of you posing in bathing suits, and all in all... you learn at least a LITTLE about what they're like.

But this is an actual person, who probably has a social life and not too many existing personal problems causing them to have a majority of their friends and relationships come from online!

(For all I know, they could be anybody... they could be the next Crackhead John, [long story], or they could turn my skin into a suit or some shit?)

(Are any of my paragraphs making sense? I'm writing this severely dehydrated and just barely awake and sobered up from my dreams, on one of the hottest days of june so far.)

All in all.... fine ass dude. Likes similar music and travels, seems funny so far; hopefully itll be fun?

Just nervous since:

I don't know his last name, and like... would prefer not to get murdered by a random dude and my body found by the beach? (Funny how many dates ive went on despite red flags and remained unmurdered by psychotic people who I went on dates with completely blindly, but a nigga who works at an ice cream shop and just wants to walk near the ocean is scary to me?)

Probably since I've got intimacy, trust, and commitment issues.

I deadass don't want to compare and contrast this date to any of my exes... its a habit of mine, but i really would like to have some fun without sabotaging it this summer.

What if I say something they completely dont understand? Like idk, theyre neurotypical and won't understand jack shit about anything related to my mental health fam?

"What if he talks too fast, or asks me questions about myself before I've decided that, he can ask me questions about myself?", and you know the rest of the song.

I just hope it goes well. And he wont be surprised by whatever he learns, or any things like that.

I don't know. I was dressed up when I saw him. I ditched the tomboy look to have the red mini skirt, sweater and gold necklace combo. So like... he said he liked my style and asked for my number, but did that mean fashion, or like...

I just dont know, man.

I'm the equivalent of a crab that's lived in a barrel by myself for like, a year by now. No idea how to socialize with other crabs by now.

Why did i use crabs as a metaphor

Just hoping it goes well. All that matters is less if its a date or not, and more if I can have fun myself and show up feeling hella fun and comfortable. Thats all that really matters.

#im lightheaded as fuck #heat waves arent fun

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s-nnyd · 7 years

Note

all of the ask me meme :) please stop talking about naruto

i think that was this one?

rose: what makes you feel beautiful?

man, hmm, when my hair falls just right and it looks like the hairstyle that could be used in like a romcom drama oh or when the sun starts to set because everythign just starts to feel like the right color and it makes it just about everything right

lace: how would you describe your best friend(s)?

complete idiots i love hanging out with

wish: what are your favourite memories?

oh fuck dude my favorite memories? okay so back in middle school when there was the open house and i signed up for one of the shifts i just stayed in ms. dean’s room and like it was raining and pouring and i was just kinda fooling around with some friends before our shifts started and like we ordered pizza and my goodness it was cold and wet as fuck but it was such a genuinely nice memory of just the feeling during that time also when were painting murals for art ds like shit man that was like the time of my life and i genuinely get all these heartfelt feelings each time i think about it (oh oh oh oh and like mrs q said that like shes trying to make things work with walker about doing a mural inside the class and im like holy fuck please like im legit gonna cry if that happens) and although its super embarrassing just like all the times ive ever really had talks and hung out with mrs q like they were genuinely nice memories and esp friday too like she told me stories about the previous schools she went to and the types of students she had and i love hearing stuff like that and yesterday was truly enjoyable

heaven: describe your ideal date

hhhhhhhh okay okay okay okay so its raining out but we still were supposed to meet up and im standing outside with a cup of hot choco with extra whip cream just the way she likes it cause i wanted to get it for her and when she comes to meet me she also has a cup of hot choco with extra cocoa for me and its just the kinda heart and chest swelling kinda moment cause we both were thinking about each other and then we head over to watch the movies first something stupid yet enjoyable and after going to have some lunch at like a really good tofu house and then after going to an art museum and then ill say somethign cheesy like man im surprised you dont live here ‘why?’ cause youre a work of art or you know whats the most beautiful piece of art out of this whole exhibit ‘ooo was it the ______ or the _____ one or maybe its the ______?” nah its you and thats the main commentary im making through out the whole exhibition and like after that we head over to my place and the rains still coming down my head on her lap and her fingers through my hair as watch a movie both of us has seen far too many times already that it this point its just for the sake of background noise and like we swap spots where shes on my lap now adn eventually she falls asleep i carry her to the bed and let her nap for a bit and she wakes up after a while and comes into the kitchen and im cooking fried rice at like 3 in the morning and its just lazy hugs and bad singing but all in all its just relaxing soothing loving and everything i really want

angel: what is your dream aesthetic?

oh man like okay have you seen that godzilla jacket that was floating around on tumblr for a while like like that specific aesthetic where its super cool stitching and japanese words that i can actually read for once OH OH OH or like just absolute artist like just paint splatters and charcoal and pastel that wont wash out and jean jackets with patches and just yeeeeeee

wings: list five things you love about yourself

hmmm i think my determination to always be improving, my loyalty, my ability to think from multiple angles of a situation, my creativity and the multitude of ideas that come as a result of it , and mmm prolly the fact that when i love someone or got a crush like more than anything id love to give them the absolute most like id give them the world if i could if it would make them happy and like they dont gotta accept my feelings or anything but jsut please dont reject my gifts like i just want you to be happy and i wanna see you smile and laugh and like even if this aint gonna turn anything im glad i got to love you and have this experience

marble: what do you look for in a partner?

oh man okay so like ive noticed that every single person ive ever had a crush on like i dont necessarily got a type in the sense of like looks or anything like that cause they all look super different and there is no one “type” but like its a lot closer to a “type” as in a type of person like someone whos generally super open minded and caring and gentle someone who even though they dont believe so theyre changing and helping so so so so many people around them someone who has the best laugh that id do anything to hear and the prettiest eyes and the most amazing smile that id truly do anythign to see someone whos usually loved by many but even in close relations theyre extremely close heart to heart and very attentive someone whos got a great head on their shoulders and the mindset to keep moving forward and improve someone who rlly pushes the idea communication, trust, and honesty and like man theyre people with the most beautiful minds and hearts and like it ends up being a case where theyve got the most beautiful face too

velvet: describe your dream home

oh fuck dude i couldnt even talk about this for my project for japanese i cant do it here

pearl: what is your favourite: scent, flavour, sound, texture?

shit dude ive really gotta say that my favorite scent is prolly the art and the ceramics room like really its super calming my fave flavor would maybe be honey? (i just had a honey stick rn so) my favorite sound is the sound of my crush’s voice and laugh, fave texture has def gotta be my paint like fuck i love sticking my hand in that shit

sunlight: list five things you find to be beautiful

link, zelda, my crush, the specific color of cerulean blue, okay and oddly enough that scar thats on my leg from when i fell off my skateboard

cherry: what words of advice would you give to a stranger?

if you think someone’s got a cool shirt, pretty eyes, a nice laugh, the cutest button nose, a soothing voice, or is just in general attractive to you, just tell them like the smile on their face is worth a whole lot and i promise you that it could make their day

blush: describe your ideal future

oh fuck okay so its one where i got a like four big dogs (cause these are my faves), a samoyed a husky a german shepard and a pit bull, and im living in a nice decent place with my loved one i have a job either at one of the major animation studios or im working with a huge game company (preferably Nintendo so i can work on some loz games) and ive also got a seperate place thats a block or two away from my home and its my own personal studio a place that is just a whole floor dedicated to working on my art whether it be two dimensional traditional or digital and i also got a throwing wheel and a place to put my ceramics and ive made some movies and games that ive dedicated to mrs q and mrs y because theyve brought me so far in my art career and also played such a big role in my life in general and id love to make them proud and like honestly that soudns like the absolute shit to me

sea: what music, art and/or literature brings you peace?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man just seein loz fanart is the best but also like fuck dude like mmmmm when i see an art style i really love that has literally the best fuckign composition and color usage like fuck thats my shit like theres some specific ones that i dont know how to describe

wine: talk about something you are looking forward to

working on that mural if mrs q can make it through cause that is legit what i really wanna do like i fucking love working on murals oh oh oh also when we can finally order the new j shirts cause i finished the design and i really wanna see everyone wearing them im really proud of this year’s design aalsososoooooooo like im really excited to work on the next project for ceramics like were makign slab boxes and we can basically tell a story and do whatever the fuck we want with it and man im just so excited for that (wow i legit realized that like everything ive listed that is part of my dream or makes me excited or happy is like art related like wow)

honey: what do you do to relax?

i watch shitposts oh that or i talk to my cousin lynnette cause really shes super understanding and its really easy to talk to her

silk: describe your most recent dream

man i forgot the bulk of it but i think like it was one where i didnt finish my charcoal portrait or my coil pot in time and then i woke up in a cold sweat

matte: what is something you are proud of?

hmmmm at current im proud of the presents i gave to mrs y and mrs q cause it made the both of them really happy and like i really wanted to show them how thankful i am to them and like they genuinely liked the posters and the flowers

gloss: list ten songs you love right now

lmao shit uh

feelings - hayley kiyoko

maple - hayley kiyoko

redbone - childish gambino

forrest gump - frank ocean

shes so mean - matchbox twenty

perfect - ed sheeran

and legit just like all of the soundtracks for all the loz games

satin: what never fails to make you happy?

oh oh oh oh oh when i give a present to my crush or i do something nice for them and they just give me the biggest smile or the best laugh ive ever heard and theres just the crinkle at the corners of their eyes from smilign so hard and because theyre trying so hard to keep eye contact with me while but theyre laughing really hard and they can only keep one eye open and like just the genuineness of joy and all

opal: talk about your interests and passions

hhhhhhhh dude dude like mannnnnn like hhhhhh okay imma talk about loz for a sec and like i know i brought it up before but i love like so much okay like oot was my first time playing time playing any loz game and my lord it was the shit like the storyline the characters the graphics the sound track the quests and side characters liek everything really made it feel like so much mroe and like i feel so much for it like heres link growing up and hes like what around ten or so and hes got some friends and he finally gets his fairy and then his tree dad goes and dies right after telling him lmao sorry but you kinda gotta save the kingdom k bye and like this kid this kid literally knows jack shit about anything but he goes on and does it anyways he goes and helps zelda he goes and helps the people who are in trouble along the way and plays some rad ass tunes on his tiny lil ocarina of time while doing it and like even when he gets put into the future like he sitll has the mindset of a ten year old hes still as innocent and earnest and pure hearted as when he first started and like holy fuck dont get me started on sheik like shit sheik is so damn cool and like knowing that it was zelda all that time like fuck yeah zelda can kick ass fuck yeah zelda got muscles for days fuck yeah she can punt you across the kingdom and like at the end when she thanks him and sends him back and time so he can enjoy the lost time like shit dude i know zelda meant well and all but like hes experienced so much with and for her hes done so much give the kid a break and then even then navi in the end like leaves and then eveything continues in majoras mask and again hes in his ten year old body but now wiht the experiences and knowledge and basically memories from being seventeen like hes got so much mroe than what his body and mind should handle at this point and he wanders into the forest again all in search for an old friend to look for navi and like when he gets sent to termina after trying to chase after skull kid and like havign those nightmares witht he scrubs like hes gone through so much and i only want more for him and like he doesnt have to save termina he doesnt he doesnt need to do anything he can let termina get smooshed to smitherins by the moon for all the work hes already done for hyrule but he does it anyway and he rewinds time again and again and again and again so he can fix all of these problems for all of these people he does all of this to bring some sort of proper ending for these people who have the last three days of their lives the last three days before their deaths repeat over and over and over and over and over again and he saves them each and every time he rewinds time and he goes through all this shit i mean this ten year old mother fucker is doing olympic bakc flips and twirls and shit after oot like shit boi and then like oh myy gooddddd like damn botw like fuck dude that game means a whole lot to me like its lacking a lil bit in the presence of an evil and i mena i know its ganon and all but like shit i could ignore that motherfucker for all eternity if he wasnt being such a total asshat to zelda and like i mainly beat that motherfucker up just for zelda like for once in a game ive never wanted more to save her like they went so much into detail abotu her and like dude those memories thos cutscenes? like that shit made everythign and i truly love her she works so hard and shes held up to this image of being extremely spiritiually adept because of all her ancestors ebcause of all the other zeldas but she jsut cant she jsut cant do the same thing and so she tries in other ways she tries to udnerstand and get a grasp on sheikah and ancient tech so she can at least be prepared to stand against the calamity when it does come and like the champions all worry about her like the girl nearly got herself killed in the process of trying to awaken her so called spiritual powers and like dude finding out that in the beginning zelda legit hated links ass like they put so much mroe into her like she she hated seeing that he was a prodigy that he didnt have a single trouble in the world and then finally link speaks up and he tells her he talks to her about why he keeps quiet and like the two finally bond and like the two dorks love each other so much that it really does go beyond friendship and romance like they legit would die for each other that one time that zelda was this fucking close to getting her ass handed to her on a silver platter and link was beat the fuck up like he went to save her and then the time when link was basically on his death bed and a guardian was about to pulverize him zelda stood between him and the guardian this bitch wasnt even thinking about having her spiritual powers she was legit ready to die for him if it meant he could run away and get to safety and i mean luckily she her spiritual powers did come out but she legit realized it when she was so genuinely scared but chose to stand up cause she cared for him so much and like these two kids fight so much and have gone through a lot both on their own times and also together but like i love them so much no matter what timeline theyre in

kiss: what do you want from life right now?

my lord i want life to point me in the right direction tbqh or at least give me a mentor for some help like please ive been guiding and doing everything myself this whole time give me a break like after reading all the stories for lang and lit like it makes me feel so lost in what im doing like after catcher in the rye and playing the role of holden caulfield and denying that i fit any part of the role and then realizing how similar i was to him and then reading death of a salesman and relating to biff and reading raisin in the sun and relating to beneatha like shit i really felt lost like ive been talking about it with my therapist lately and like yeah i think i really need some direction or reassurance or a mentor or at least something in my life thats consistent cause right now im a complete mess

#thanks jae #like i really enjoyed this #sickinthesoul

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eli-reviewsthings · 8 years

Text

10 Ten movies of 2016

Hey everybody. That hellish year is over, and now we can spend some time looking back at all the shit things were made that we were forced to sit through, and appreciate the great ones!

10. The Lobster: Not gonna lie, I was tempted to not put this and number 9 even on this list, but god. So many bad movies came out I kinda didnt have much else to put on here. Not saying the Lobster is a bad movie, it is not, just. Difficult. This movie was difficult to watch, and probably the second most uncomfortable movie I saw this year. There were a plethora of scenes that were made me squirm in my very uncomfortable seat. The most notable of which is a woman viying for the affection of the main character botches a suicide attempt and sits, dying slowly on the ground screaming while the main character attempts to flirt with a hot sociopath. And thats kinda a lot of the movie; violent and awkward. Much to my surprise, the movie ended up being an amazing look at love and relationships, and actually had some scenes that were genuinely touching, partly because of how cold, sterile, and viscous the rest of the movie was. The biggest problem that I have with this movie however, comes from my frustration with the ending. It goes in line with movies like Birdman, that just dont seem to know how to end. Note to future directors and writers: Ambiguity is a fine tool, but understand that not having a satisfying ending is not always a good thing.

9. The Neon Demon: Whatever about the actual movie, its NWR (as he’s calling himself nowadays, groan) and I liked it, but. But. I must tell you all about the most stressful day I’ve ever had, and how it made this movie the most nerve racking experience of my life. I was staying at a hotel for anime expo with four other friends, when we were woken up at 4am by three things all happening at once: 1, the fire alarm went off, prompting 2, one of the guys woke up screaming from a nightmare while 3, one of the other guys decided to start screaming FIRE and both took off running down the hall. Later we learned it was a false alarm but I thought we were being murdered. After that I couldn’t sleep so I watched Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared which was disturbing and then the fire alarm went off 4 more times prompting one of the guys to scream every time. The I saw the Neon Demon. And honestly, it was such a stressful experience I have a hard time actually thinking about the movie because all I remember is being on my very last nerve and on the brink of a panic attack.

8. 10 Cloverfield Lane: You spend a lot of time looking at Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s ass and she is the most resourceful protagonist I’ve ever seen. It’s also a Cloverfield sequel which I love and John Goodman is a villain. Literally what more could you want.

7. Rouge One: One of the best Star Wars films by far, I actually really enjoyed Rouge One, much more than I thought I would. It did a good job developing it’s character over the course of the movie, something Star Wars has literally never done without being either extremely cliched or just plain bad. My only complaints were that a, its still way too easy to just beat Stormtroopers with sticks, though I did appreciate the breaking glass, and b, the final fight was almost impossible to follow who was where and where the enemies were coming from. Besides that, fun action movie with some really solid performances and Alan Turdyk which is all you could want from a sci fi film.

6. The Nice Guys: Listening to Ryan Gosling scream after getting his ass kicked by Russel Crowe was one of the funniest things I got to see this year. Honestly though, this was a wonderful little gem of a movie and I really enjoyed every second of it. Not the best plot, and some kinda lame character development but hey, it was the best example of slapstick humor done well I’ve seen in years. Really, just such a fun film to watch.

5. Sing: I’m really surprised myself to see this movie so high on my list but the more I thought about the movie the more I enjoyed it. I’m a theater guy, I have a degree in theater and I’ve been doing musicals since 5th grade, so a movie about the magic of theater was really lovely to sit through. It did an amazing job of taking an incredibly broad array of music and bringing it together, and then making a white kid basically be a British Weekend, but hey besides that I loved the film. Sure it had tons and tons and tons of flaws but, I’m willing to forgive a lot because films are about enjoyment and sometimes you just have to find a film, acknowledge its not the best, and love it all the same.

4. Magnificent 7: Speaking of films that aren’t the best but I loved, this is easily the best action movie to come out in years. Also, one of the few movies to do a large ensemble cast, give all the characters equal development and, almost, equal screen time and have them all feel unique. Top it off with a diverse cast, some amazing shoot outs and you the perfect recipe for a great western.

3. Deadpool: Just go and watch the title sequence. Thats why I love this movie. Deadpool as a character has a tendency to annoy me but damn Ryan Reynolds did a great job walking that thin line and delivered the best iteration of Deadpool I’ve ever seen. The movie is was the only superhero movie to come out this year, that I saw, that wasn’t the exact same garbage nonsense we’ve seen what feels like a thousand times by now. Yeah, I’m looking at you, you piece of utter shit Civil War. Or, as it should be called: We didn’t have a good fight choreographer and uh Bucky can block a shotgun blast with his hand and somehow Caps team which is basically just a bunch of normal dudes and scarlet witch, and somehow they beat iron mans team cause the writers are lazy and just churning out these pieces of shit at this point, no I’m not just angry about Cap making out with that blonde bitch after Peggy died, fuck you that movie was a complete mess and you know it. That felt good, glad I got that off my chest, lets get back to Deadpool, because it has the camera guy from Cloverfield in it and I love him and this movie was a beautiful breath of fresh air and left me very excited about the next guardians of the galaxy because hopefully it wont fall into the same traps the rest of marvel has.

2. Your Name/ Kimi no na Wa: Mokoto Shinkai could animate himself taking a shit and I’d probably love every second of it. Seriously though, I love his work, and this film was the best he’s done since Voices From a Distant Star. It has heart, gorgeous animation, great characters, and a nice dose of humor that is usually absent in his films. It’s an amazing film and if it doesn’t win best animated film at the oscar’s then they’re racist and they have no taste.

1. Arrival: When me and my mom got into the car after seeing this she started bawling. Just sobbing uncontrollably. Normally when my mom gets emotional its over things I consider dumb or just not worth crying over but this time I understood it. This movie might be one of the more moving things I’ve seen in awhile. Way back in the day, I read a book called My Name is Asher Lev, and the book starts with a quote from Kafka: “A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.” This has always been something of my compass for what separates a good thing from a great one. And by god this movie was great. Sure, it is a little cheesy, I’ll be the first to admit that, but I just don’t care. Cheesy or not this film spoke to me in ways a movie hasn’t in too long. I choking back tears so many times during the film and Amy Adams performance was masterful. This is easily the best film I’ve seen this year, and will make my list of best films of all times. I’ve seen almost all of Dennis Villenvue’s films up to Arrival, and his films have a tendency of being very dispassionate and emotionally sterile and it was truly wonderful to see him make a movie that was bursting at the seems with feeling. I could sing the praises of this film forever so I’ll end it there.

So there we have it, 10 films I saw this year and left the theater going, “Man that wasn’t as shitty as some of the other films I saw this year that was nice!” Now theres some films that just didn’t make the cut so heres some honorable mentions:

Finding Dory, Train to Busan, Kubo and the Two Strings, Star Trek Beyond and Girl on the Train.

And now some of the Shittiest movies I had the complete displeasure sitting through: Civil War (huge surprise), Don’t Breathe, Ghostbusters, Jason Bourne, and I’m sure theyre some I’m forgetting cause I don’t want to remember them.

Allin in all there were a lot of films I wanted to see that I didn’t get to, but hopefully this year I can make a list of 10 films that I enjoyed seeing! Let me know what y’all thought and I’ll see you all later with some other list in the coming days!

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t-shrt · 4 years

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100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself

#tag #tag meme #tags

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decodervon · 5 years

Text

You make me so goddamn angry.

I don’t get it.

I don’t get you.

I thought you had me blocked because you’re weak and now I’m unblocked because you’re weak. Ugh. Ok. I get that. But that’s still dumb.

I didn’t want to talk. I don’t want to talk. I already know what happened and it’s done and over. This isn’t a game. You don’t get to come back to me after you get what need from the tip of some other guys dick and be like “Hey! I feel better! Let’s talk!” like absolutely fuck that.

You NEVER understood or cared to understood how that shit made me feel. You always talked big, like, “Oh, if you were with someone else, I wouldn’t care” etc etc etc.

But that was NEVER true. You were CONSTANTLY jealous of women in my life who I had NO romantic inclination to because I simply lavished attention on them. When you weren’t the primary focus = jealous.

You were NEVER okay with anyone I had even slight eyes towards. Hell, I got actual permission from you before anything happened with Park Bitch. I was literally willing to NOT do anything with her if you weren’t okay with it, because I valued your happiness and well-being more. You OK’d it and were still so upset by it.

Even now, you’re trying to be cool about her. But we both know you’re lying to yourself. Thats going back to what i said the other day. You are NOT honest with your own feelings. You ARENT okay with it, and that is okay to voice. I am NOT OK with your thing at all. I’ll scream it from the mountain tops. I don’t care if I’m wrong. I don’t care if it’s not justified. I don’t give a shit if it makes me a hypocrite. I don’t like it. I don’t like him. and I actively am not liking YOU for it.

I get it helps you heal. But you know what else does? Getting in touch with your emotional side. Understanding what makes you tick emotionally. Sitting down with yourself and NOT bring other people into it.

I know, I know. Pot kettle black. I know. But the most her and I do are play video games and kiss occasionally. I’m not night-fucking the shit out of her after a drunken karaoke night in some shitty bathroom. That shit was for me. Ugh. UGH.

MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY. I hate that you’re with them and I will never be happy for it.

Whatever. Doesn’t matter. I don’t get you. The main stay of this writing is to try and figure you the fuck out.

So. We talk. I don’t really want to. We actually talk WELL, and get some healing done. Didn’t expect that. That was... ok. That was fine. and then... what? You think that if you re-up your Faith now, it makes things just.. reset?

Do you understand how emotions work? You could have 1 billion amount of Faith in me now and it doesn’t matter. You abandoned me. Emotionally. I know you said I beat you down, but thats what Faith is. Faith is all you have left when you have nothing. I had it after you beat ME down and cheated on me. I did the SAME dance and still had faith in you. You abandoned me during my worst period. Which, unequivocally, is losing you. You weren’t honest with your feelings and let me look like a goddamn fool trying to win your jerk ass back.

Sabotage things? You say that like there’s something here to sabotage. I KNOW all this stuff. I DONT need you to heal. You may need ME to heal because you’re not good at emotional stuff, but guess what? Thats YOU NEEDING ME FOR YOUR OWN REASONS AGAIN. I am NOT trying to establish something with someone who lost her faith in me and starting fucking some other dude. Say that out loud a couple times and remember who I am. I fiercely love ONE person. ONE. Not two. not a fucking BUNCH. ONE. It was YOU. You betrayed that love and lost the faith and now I’m here. Cursing your name and trying to process my anger. ALONE. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. No one is asking you to. No one wants you to.

I don’t want any points. What do you expect? Me to suck his dick while smiling up at you? I will never EVER say one nice thing about him. He took my place, you asshole. I HATE him. There is no time or place where I’m cool with him and you together. That is a fucking fantasy and you’re crazy for trying to even take one step towards that. I hope literally every bad thing happens to him. I could go on explicitly, but for what very limited respect I have you, I won’t. But I could. GRAPHICALLY.

I just reread what you last sent. over and over. “I want to have faith...” that’s not how fucking faith works. You lost it. You can’t just have it back. I’m not here to try and convince you anymore. My faith for you is gone. Maybe if you had done the solo thing and searched your feelings. Maybe. But only you know how long it took you after your birthday to go fuck that guy. So you tell me. How long before you found yourself in the arms of another man? a few weeks? a few DAYS? Hell, you were in my arms the day after. But I guess that never stopped you from still seeing him behind my back, just like you’d still probably do to this guy.

I am MAD. I am angry specifically because the person who was suppose to love me the most, the person I was with longer than some people are MARRIED. Who saw into me and knew all my fucking secrets. Who KNEW who I was deep inside... LOST FUCKING FAITH IN ME. and for what? because she didn’t want to believe I did the thing i do the best: learn. This is on you and your feelings. Not being honest. being blinded by FEAR AND PAIN. JUST LIKE I FUCKING WAS. ITS NOT SO EASY, HUH?

so fucking.. just dont. you are the poison i need. this is my “shoo get out of here” at the end of the movie. i hate when things go well now between us because it still makes me want you and i know. i know what will happen. i know that you’ll lie to me and say you wont see him eventually and ill meet up with you and it’ll be amazing and great and we’ll love each other and both take deep breaths in our souls and it’ll be like we never left each other and we’ll think about tomorrow and then the dread will set in. the doubt. the familiarity of how honest I am with my body and how much of a liar you can be with yours. knowing that there’s no way to actually believe you having left him. knowing that only my faith would allow me to trust you. knowing that i can’t have faith in someone who i know for a fact can lose theirs in me. the suspicious. the angry at feeling like i’m being fucking duped.

i will not be tricked by you and your “love” again. figure you own heart out alone and leave me alone. i don’t want to heal you. i don’t want to help you. go back to blocking me, you hypocrite.

just leave me in my anger. its all i can feel to keep me away from you.

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