#breakthecycletour

[akeemspeaks]

If I see her again, I’m going to holla

Peace,

4:59 pm

She walked into the gym, I was already on my way there, so there was a chance that I would get a chance to see her. I didn't see her face because of how she was walking, but her body was wild. Her ass had some size to it. My eyes followed her for as long as they could before she was out of sight. My thoughts stayed with her, on her, sexualizing her body with what would happen if she ever gave me a chance.

She didn't look familiar, not that I had much to go off of, but I didn't recognize shorty. When I got inside the gym, I took another look around to see if I would see her, I didn't. My workouts usually last two to two and half hours, when you are running track, the level of fitness our coach demanded from us was real. We also had a Division 1 transfer who was a workout guru and ROTC diehard. This guy went hard, and he knew what he was doing. I had never been around anyone like him.

Half way through the workout I am walking past the basketball court and I peep inside, because I am inquisitive, and boom, I saw shorty again. She was in ball gear, and going through drills. I watched her for a little, well, I actually don't know how long I watched her for. I watched long enough to believe that she was a new recruit to the women's team, that I would beat her in a one on one, and if she lived on campus or off. I wondered if she was recruited or just showed up looking to play.

She was too far to see her face and I did not want to enter the gym and not have anything to say...just yet, so I watched from a far, and continued to make a mental note. Because I was not big on having people in my business, I knew that when I did see her again, I would only holla if she was by herself. I went back to my workout.

Love isn't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,

Keem

[akeemspeaks]

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at 
• 
Love-Some say the truth hurts
• 
Walk with me-Yes, she responded. Why did I ask? Because I wanted to know, and because the I wanted to know was much deeper than the thought itself. By asking if this was the same friend, it would have allowed for assumptions, or, to reassure what those assumptions were already. Assumptions can be dangerous
• 
Link in Bio. 
#NoMàsMask #loveisnotlost #BreakTheCycleTour #blackboyhealing #blackboyjourney #blackboyjoy #love #blackboymagic #blackbloggers #innerglow #healing #lovestill #love #blacklove #selflove #lovestory #blacklovequotes #melaninbloggers #blacklovepage #blacklovedoc 📸 @deespeaks_ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bw_3VB3g2Ds/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=87g2gxldutrm

[akeemspeaks]

She spoke basketball

Peace,

I left the gym with no thought of her on my mind. The day was pretty straight forward for me. After my afternoon class I was going to go to track practice. Showing up early to practice was a thing for me, I never wanted to be late.

The sun was still out, that’s how I knew basketball season was approaching. I always looked in the gym when I entered because I loved to see who was shooting. There she was again.

I finally put two and two together, she was a new recruit for the women’s team. I walked away feeling like I knew her already. She spoke basketball, and I did too, that would make for a great conversation, our interest were align. I didn’t know who she was, but I was about to find out.

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,

Keem

[akeemspeaks]

I texted back LOL

Peace,

12:30 am

That night I couldn’t sleep. My body, relaxed and comfortable, but my thoughts were bouncing off the walls. I was still thinking about how we ended the conversation. I was still making up visuals that were supposed to be creating clarity for what she was saying. I was still making conclusions based on what I believed she was telling me. I was starting to believe myself more then I believed her.

The inside of my eyelids became a canvass, as I painted pictures of her and friend A, driving around listening to music, blasting from his nice car. I didn’t have a car. I saw them laughing and joking about all the money they can blow, because for friend A, money ain’t a thing. I pictured her in one of her sexy outfits, slaying everything and everyone around her, while he sat and watched in the front row of his car.

Then my thoughts would shift to friend B, he too had money, lots of it. I was living pay check to pay check. They drove all throughout Camden while I was at work, and when it was late, he’d drop her off at the bus stop, where she would catch the bus back to me. What’s the difference between a nightmare and a dream? Was I experiencing both?

When we woke up we got ready to start our day, everything was cordial and calm. She had no worries in the world, totally opposite of what she expressed to me just two weeks before. And me, I was wearing the mask, because I was really feeling some kind of way but I didn’t show it. She texted me later that afternoon, “last night was crazy right lol”. I texted back LOL, but wasn’t laughing at all

[akeemspeaks]

I wonder

Peace,

11:24 pm

The summer was over, the months didn't seem to add up to the time that went missing. This summer felt long, even though it was a short one. The break up was real, it's been over three weeks and I have not heard from shorty. She must have been serious. School is about to start back up...wow, I am really about to be a sophomore in college. The thought of it was crazy. I continued to stay at my teammates house, just to finish out the summer. The summer class had ended but I still had a couple weeks before the fall semester started back up.

This summer was wild. I sit back and I think about how all of this went down and still, I laugh to myself. Whatever happened to doing what was right all the time? I would have put money on it, when we first started, even though things got hot fast, I was making the wise decision not to rush to labels. Little did I know, that it would actually come back to bite me in the ass.

Truth is, I wondered if she was really there for me. Was it the house and the fact that she had a place a stay every night? Was it the fact that she didn’t have to pay food whenever we were around each other? Was it the sex that held her close, but not close enough? Or, was it really me? Why did shorty decide to keep coming around? Why did shorty stay for as long as she did? I thought about these questions, long enough until I stopped caring for an answer.

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,

Keem

[akeemspeaks]

The Right Thing

Peace,

10:15 pm

What does it mean to be a great partner? I thought I had figured it out, and even made the decisions that were different from the decisions I made in high school. They say, someone who is insane repeats the same steps over and over, here I was thinking that the cycle was broken. I sat down and really thought about and reflected on my past relationships before entering into what we shared.

All of the answers that came to me, Keem, do not rush into it. So I didn't. I thought I didn't. I thought that by not putting a label on what we shared, was my way of being patient. I believed that as long as we didn't "rush" into calling ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, that we would have been able to grow together. When you start putting label on things, whether you consciously doing it or not, you also begin to put expectations on it as well.

To stay away from expectations, I stayed away from labels. Why? Why did I stay away from labels, and expectations? Why did I decide not to "rush"? What did I learn? Was I scared? No. I honestly thought I was doing the "right" thing, the smart thing. When you never had any guidance or mentoring on different life scenarios, then the "right" thing to you, and please let me preference, may not always be what is right, but is a better decision then the one you made before, and this is what feels "right" about it.

Love isn't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,

Keem

[akeemspeaks]

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

•

Love- Maybe? If I stopped telling myself what she told me couldn’t be true, I’d start believing her. Funny, every time she came “home” I never cared to look for how she got there

•

Walk with me- Why wouldn’t I go looking? I do not know if I was “ready” to find anything, but I know I didn’t care to look....The knot that wasn’t in my throat just became one. I asked, what do y’all do again. She responded, drive around and talk. My voice is starting to raise and I never raise my voice. I was confused. It was no longer a conversation but an interrogation....He gives me money...It was no longer an interrogation but a shouting match

•

Link in Bio.

#NoMàsMask #loveisnotlost #BreakTheCycleTour #blackboyhealing #blackboyjourney #blackboyjoy #love #blackboymagic #blackbloggers #innerglow #healing #lovestill #love #blacklove #selflove #lovestory #blacklovequotes #blacklovepage #blacklovedoc #melaninbloggers

[akeemspeaks]

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at
•
Love- I texted back LOL, but wasn’t laughingly all
•
Walk with me-I was starting to believe myself more then I believed her. That night I didn’t sleep much. I kept thinking about how the conversation ended, so nonchalant, too nonchalant, or, was I analyzing it too much. Either way it didn’t sit right. Someone once told me, when you see the signs believe the signs…right “lol” 
•
Link in Bio.
#NoMàsMask #loveisnotlost #BreakTheCycleTour #blackboyhealing #blackboyjourney #blackboyjoy #love #blackboymagic #blackbloggers #innerglow #healing #lovestill #love #blacklove #selflove #lovestory #blacklovequotes #blacklovepage #blacklovedoc #melaninbloggers 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BxVY4B7gxJ3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mnpofjh7ejoy

[akeemspeaks]

In my feelings

Peace,

5:30 pm

She said it so casually, so calm, so unbothered. She wasn't phased at all. Why would she be, I mean, for me to even believe that she should is a false belief. We weren't together, nothing about being official was stated, and we never discussed making it official either. Is it because she knew we were not together that had her so nonchalant about it? I was in my feelings, but I am continuing to learn that it isn't about your feelings when both feelings aren't involved, and even when there are feelings, no feelings matter if you're not looking to evolve; grow; as one.

So I sat there, trying to understand what to do next. What do I say? I really have nothing I can say, right? But I really have everything to say, because that is how my heart is set up. Acceptance, "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered". There was a different vibe in the crib, and it had to do with acceptance. Clearly, whatever was or wasn't between us had been accepted on her part, and what was so natural for her, was so hard for me.

I was not there yet. Because although nothing was official, it did not mean that it would stay that way, we were like two months in to knowing each other. Was it pride, or ego? What was I experiencing that had me like this? Confusion, misinterpreting, curiosity, assumption; making assumptions is dangerous, but still I did it. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I wasn’t cheating on her, I wasn't doing anything that would bring us to an end. I watched her put her things down and unpack her bag. So you was just with your friend?

Love ins't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love Keem

[akeemspeaks]

Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at • Love-Reflection, what did I learn from this • Walk with me- Not all lessons have to come after, if you’re wise enough, you’ll learn and react while it’s happening. Maturity? If that’s an example of maturity, I guess as a freshman in college, I wasn’t there yet. What did I learn? It just got real • Link in Bio. #NoMàsMask #loveisnotlost #BreakTheCycleTour #blackboyhealing #blackboyjourney #blackboyjoy #love #blackboymagic #blackbloggers #innerglow #healing #lovestill #love #blacklove #selflove . (at Paris, France) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsNlQ6_AXke/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=rxzyfae629lg

[akeemspeaks]

There’s a shift happening • Thank you @rutgers_camden EOF for inviting me to come facilitate today, I’m really grateful! Thank you to every student, you all inspire me. Your stories are powerful and your ability to persevere is praiseworthy. I applaud you all for not giving up • I see you, I hear you, I love you • Break The Cycle Tour challenges young people to be the best versions of themselves. We challenge them to see the systemic problems, and to ask themselves how they can help break The Cycle • Removing The Mask encourages young people to take ownership in their mental health, their emotional and social well being. We encourage students to peel back their layers, and to actively begin to heal • Breaking The Cycle and Removing the Mask one young person at a time. It’s not just a Workshop, It’s an Experience • #breakthecycletour #akeemspeaks #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mybrotherskeeper #youthdevelopment #workshop #facilitator #speaker #mentor #theblackmancan #accountability #godsplan #healing #bmec #bmecommunity (at Rutgers University—Camden)

[akeemspeaks]

Thank You BPE for for another great workout session. Thank you Erika for allowing me to facilitate Breaking The Cycle, Removing The Mask with your #Americorps members today • To every BPE leader about to enter your school, every day counts, don’t be afraid to show your students who are. Don’t be afraid to love them. It’s time to get busy now, Workout Now 🏋🏾‍♂️🏋🏾‍♀️ • Break The Cycle Tour challenges young people to be the best versions of themselves. We challenge them to see the systemic problems, and to ask themselves how they can help break The Cycle • Removing The Mask encourages young people to take ownership in their mental health, their emotional and social well being. We encourage students to peel back their layers, and to actively begin to heal • Breaking The Cycle and Removing the Mask one young person at a time. It’s not just a Workshop, It’s an Experience • #breakthecycletour #akeemspeaks #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mybrotherskeeper #youthdevelopment #workshop #facilitator #speaker #mentor #theblackmancan #accountability #godsplan #healing #blackmentalhealth #blackboyjoy #blackboyjoy #theblackmancan 📸: Dwawna (at BPE)

[akeemspeaks]

•• Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at •• Love- Flowerbomb, let me guess your favorite fragrance •• Walk with me: Don’t let the serious face fool you, deep down inside I love to laugh, we use to laugh, at everything, talk about everything, everything that was our day, everything except for what we both needed to say. Link in Bio •• #NoMàsMask #loveisnotlost #BreakTheCycleTour #AkeemSpeaks #blackboyhealing #blackboyjourney #blackboyjoy #love #blackboymagic #blackbloggers #innerglow #healing #lovestill #love #blacklove #selflove. —Will upload post later today 📸 @themackeffect

[akeemspeaks]

There’s a shift happening • Break The Cycle Tour challenges young people to be the best versions of themselves. We challenge them to see the systemic problems, and to ask themselves how they can help break The Cycle • Removing The Mask encourages young people to take ownership in their mental health, their emotional and social well being. We encourage students to peel back their layers, and to actively begin to heal • Breaking The Cycle and Removing the Mask one young person at a time. It’s not just a Workshop, It’s an Experience • #breakthecycletour #akeemspeaks #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mybrotherskeeper #youthdevelopment #workshop #facilitator #speaker #mentor #theblackmancan #accountability #transformationtuesday #godsplan #healing 🎥:Dwawna (at Massasoit Community College)

[akeemspeaks]

Every Tuesday and Thursday I get the opportunity to break bread. It's a privilege I'm thankful to have ... "They ask what I do and who I do it for" Our youth are up next ... See it to believe it 💯 #VisionBoards . . . . . . . #BreakTheCycleTour #AkeemSpeaks #collegebound #academicachievment #studentsuccess #studentachievement #HonorRollGoals #BlackBoyJoy #BlackGirlMagic #BlackGirlsRock #MyBrothersKeeper #MySistersKeeper #BlackisBeautiful #ForTheCulture #BetterMakeRoom #blogger #blackmancan #mentor #facilitator #youthvoice #educator #socialentrepreneur #youthwork #youthadvisor #youthadvocate #education #educationfirst #educationiskey #educationmatters #educationispower #educationrocks #afterschool #workshop

[akeemspeaks]

Peace,

Pt2

My first ever girlfriend cheated on me after a year into the relationship. I felt what I assume any person would feel, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness. I was an emotional roller coaster. I thought and asked myself why? How could she do this after all I felt as though I was to her? When she was sick, I hopped on my scooter and road that thang across the city, going 90 in a 50, every time I swiped my leg across the ground to pick up speed, I knew that I was getting closer to her.

I skipped open gym at the rec. to spend hours with her. I was in love. My understanding of it anyway. I was in the 7th grade. I found out about the affair through a 3rd party. I remember being on the phone with that person when they told me, I went silent, I didn’t know what to say, my thoughts were on my girl, and a friend who knew about it all. After a long pause, I confirmed that my friend knew about it, hung up and called him.

I asked him if he knew, you know, because that is what folks love to do, ask questions we already know the answer to. He confessed to knowing. He explained why he remained silent, but his explanation wasn’t “good enough” for me. Look at me, “not good enough” who do I think I am, too grown. Anyway, I wasn’t developed enough to see his reasons, or to even understand his reason. I immediately felt betrayed, how can I trust you? You are suppose to let me know these things I said, and hung up. My love as a friend for him changed dramatically. He wasn’t the one who had sex with my girl, but yet I took part of my frustration out on him for just knowing and not telling me. I’m old enough to know now that he had good intentions. I am sure his reason was valid. I was young, and maybe it speaks more about me and what I was dealing with internally.

I called her up right after. I got right to the point, did you? A pause, silence that felt like forever, I felt her breath through the phone. She confessed. Once again my heart sunk to my stomach. Once again I was trying to find words, I was trying to feel, and last thing I know I broke up with her and hung up. I cried, and cried, and cried some more. In my head, I lost a best friend and my girl. When you grow up in a silent household, you do not have many outlets to share how you’re feeling, and so I cried silently, for days.

This is why it hurt so bad. We spent a year together. I thought that I was being a gentleman, I thought that I was being a man, I thought that I was doing the right thing, I thought that I was going about love in the right way. Put two and two together, I found out that she cheated when I was in the 7th grade, a year after we started dating, which means we started when I was in the 6th grade. For a year I never once tried to rush sex. I made it very clear with her that I didn’t want to rush it if she wasn’t ready, that I did not want to do anything that she didn’t feel as though she was ready for. She would always say okay and say to me “I will let you know”.

The pain that I felt was deep, because she had sex the day before we had sex. I thought that we would be each other’s first, I thought that when the moment came, it would be a special one for the both of us. Maybe it was still special to her, I never asked. What I do know, is that at the age of 13, I thought sex was only suppose to happen with the person you loved. Now, being older, someone might say, well who are you to think that “she is/was yours”, “you don’t own her”, “she could do whatever she wants with her body”. Find me someone who was on that level at that age and I would applaud them. Again, this could speak more to what I was dealing with internally, but I will touch on that soon. Baby steps.

I am not at all saying that I had possessive thoughts, or believed that her pu$$y was mine, what I am saying, is that the idea of this romantic and intimate action, was something that I believed we would experience together, for the first time, together, and that didn’t happen. One of the things that I discovered during this time period, my heart, is on my sleeve. Love isn’t Lost, I know exactly where I put it at.

Love, Keem