#but ‘dick equals male and male equals straight and straight equals bad’ is a horrible mess of a way to think

[loptrcoptr]

Tumblr fandom logic these days: if two characters with different sets of genitals hook up, then they’re straight and cis and the ship is hetero and it’s all Bad and Boring and Problematic

My old tired bi ass:

“All that matters is what’s in your pants” is not the great woke take y’all seem to think it is!!!

[the-house-of-the-nine]

In Mind of Misery: Manipulation, Part 13

[ And so the journey begins.  Three Separate stories to tell here all happening Simultaneously.  Attacking from three fronts, is this the beginning of the end for The Nine?  Please Like, Share, and Follow us!   We are hoping to get new people coming our way, and could use the love! Thank you everyone!!!!! ]

Cast:

[ L.K ] -  Lazarius Kashebahl, Marseille, Raelyndia Duskhollow

[ P.K ] - Kretus Dark

[ V.D ] - Verzatea Duskflame, Pame Myl’Brin

[ J ] - Jursol, Jimba, Mawa

[ T ] - Talisin aka The Boy

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ P . K ]   Kretus stared down into the blondes face and inwardly grumbled. But my stew is still hot and I hadn’t even had a bite yet! He masked his irritation with himself. Serves him right. He should have just minded his own business. But then he hated himself for those thoughts. With a sigh, he merely nodded.

“You’re talking about the old Duskflame estate then. If I recall, that is your surname yes? It’s not far from here. One, maybe two hours trek due north...”

He shifted on his feet, his hands slipping into his pockets now.

“I can help you get there, sure.”

He slid his gaze around the fucked up group again. Shoulda just stayed put.

[ L. K ]   "Two. . .hours"  

He mouthed silently and turned around to move back toward Pame.  As he neared the Kaldorei he would softly motion for them to switch.

"She is much lighter, give your back a rest."  

It wasn't that he was going to ask her, more or less tell her.  She had been working herself to near death trying to take care and fight for everyone.  

Rather than force her to endure further, Lazarius would take the weight of the Shaldorei and turn back toward the others.

"You find a way to cut that time in half. . . and I will make it worth your while, how does ten thousand sound?"

Lazarius grunted as he hoisted the one arm elf over his shoulder and supported the man the best he could without injuring him further.

"We can talk on the way, move. . .now."  

He snapped inferring to Verza to get this show on the road.

[ P . K ]   “Ten thousand what? Biscuits? Daggers? Punches to the gullet?”

The tattooed red head moved forward and made a gesture to Lazarius as if to say let me carry the girl.

“Give the woman a rest. I can carry her and then I have a mount we can put two on. That should cut the time down.”

[ V . D ]   At the command of Lazarius, Pame wasted no time in heeding him. There was a selfish reason for it, too, because the thought of a break actually... Appeased the Kaldorei. It made the tension in her shoulders slacken when hoisting the red head into.her arms after Mars had been steadied and lifted by Lazarius. Though she'd bare her teeth in a glower at the suggestion of taking it too easy,

"I have her,"

She denies stubbornly, gritting her teeth after recognizing the harshness of her own tone,

"Egh... Thank you anyways..."

At the snap would the sindorei stare intently toward the Kashe'bahl, the previously tear soaked cheeks now flustered pink with shame attheir hesitation. He was a dick, but he was right. They werent safe, time was ticking.

"Gods sake," Tea groans at Kretus's cheeky remark, bending forth to scoop the little boy into her arms-- a habit she'd picked up with Brinys, and one she'd familiarize the boy with cause she'd be apoiling him henceforth...

Whether they followed or not, Tea starts walking the way Kretus had emerged from... Just to get them started! Even if it was the wrong way.

[ P . K ]   Kretus just shrugged his shoulders and turned to walk north. Right to his hut and after Tea.

“Suit yourself,” he said to Pame.

He looked at Lazarius over his shoulder as he was walking.

“Might want to have a chat with your comrades that now is not the time to be stubborn.”

[ L. K ]   "I can very easily call one of those worms down from the sky and let it pay you a visit if you think her company is so bad.  In case you aren't aware, aside from 'Teacup' you're a stranger to the rest of us, with very little value. . .aside from some stew. . .and a hut. . . You'll have to excuse our apprehension and desire to be someplace safe, secure and also trusted.  No offense."

If Kre didn't think Lazarius could hear him, he was mistaken, they were all elves here, even Jursol was keen of hearing, they all would have caught his remark. As he walked with the Shaldorei over his shoulder he grunted.

"Why don't we try this. . . since we are on the path toward doing something, You already know Verzatea. . . the troll is Jursol of the Zandalari, the Kaldorei is my personal Shade, Pame Myl'Brin and the young girl she is carrying is Raven.  This arm less fellow who is going to be just fine. . ."

Marseille opened his eye, just barely enough to peer at Laz and crack a soft smile.

"This is Marmless. . .I mean Marseille."

He would point ahead with his hand holding the arm of the elf.

"We don't know the kids name, picked him up on the way.  And I am Lazarius Kash'ebahl.  I assume you are Kretus . . she had told me a bit about your escapade during the Magister incident. . . it is a shame we never got to meet after I was returned."

[ V . D ]   Pame snorts noisily at the Marmless comment, biting harshly at her bottom lip to prevent that from bubbling over into a straight up laugh.

But it certainly was amusing, especially now that she was confident Mars stood a fighting chance of surviving. Maybe she'll laugh fully once they're completely out of the woods.

[ R ]   Raven continued to be easy to carry. Indeed, she was lighter than the Shaldorei. Her frame was slathered in drying, or dried black void tainted blood however. At least being completely out, she didn't squirm while being carried.

[ P . K ]   He continues walking, listening to Lazarius introduce them all. He had certainly not meant to keep his words from being heard. The man spoke what was on his mind when it was on his mind. Most of the time.

“You have the right of it. Kretus Dark.”

He wasn’t insulted in the least. He had merely been trying to help. He’d learned over the decades that help, whether offering it or receiving it, was a finicky thing.

“Tea,” he shouted.

“Start going right a bit. You’ll see my campfire.”

He looked at Laz again.

“We can grab a few things quickly and then lay both the comatose woman and Marmless atop Gambit.  Should cut our time if two of you aren’t weighted down with bodies.”

[ L. K ]   "Ma...rseille. . .wretch. . .even without my arm, I will knife y..."  

Laz shook the words from him as he continued to walk.

"Save your strength." he quickly corrected as he continued to limp along with the ancient elf.

"Mister Dark. . . is that your actual name?  I have never met anyone of the House of Dark.  Was that your fathers house?  The Kash'ebahls are a well known rank of nobility, In all of my time within the magistrate I don't ever recall hearing the name."

[ V . D ] With a hesitation in step the sindorei awkwardly wobbles around and starts meandering through the woods whilst wearing a bashful expression.

"I knew that,"

she murmurs beneath her breath, even though her breath was becoming equally shallow with every grueling step. She started to regret slacking in her stamina training.

Though she'd silently push herself to keep moving forward. Otherwise she'd become undeniably slow and fall to the back before slowly giving up.

[ P . K ]   He slid his eyes toward the male elf and forced a smile. A smile that oddly looked like someone Laz knew when she forced smiles.

“My mother was a poor woman. And my father was...”

his jaw clenched and he looked forward, his camp fire in sight now.

“Don’t actually know. Some nobleman who took my mother for a mistress then discarded her.”

[ L. K ]   "Sounds like a typical noble piece of shit."  

Lazarius said, knowing what he did about his own father, the man who'd sold him off for the fortune he'd gained, he wasn't exactly lacking in the department of horrible fathers.  

He would continue to walk in the middle of the back, occasionally looking over his shoulder to make sure Raven was alright.  Even in Pames care, he was fiercely protective over the girl.  Or was he just making sure she hadn't woken up yet.

[ P . K ]   Tea would make it to the small home first. It really wasn’t a tiny hut. It was moderate and looked cozy in the dreary Ghostlands. The fire was all but cinders now, the stew still hot.

“He was from what my mother told me of him. Help yourselves to the stew while I gather a few things.”

Kretus grabbed his own bowl that was now lukewarm and began shoveling it in while he disappeared inside. He’s re-emerge with more bowls then disappear again as he rummaged around gathering a few things. It would not take long.

[ V . D ]   With a weathered sigh of relief Tea momentarily lowers the boy to indulge Kretus's kind offer. She'd locate items which to safely carry the stew offered, as well as utensils for them all to eat from-- offering each of their group a bit of stew to fuel them for the hard journey ahead.

Pame, while she devoured it swiftly, would hiss and huff noisily from scorching the inside of her mouth from rushing the process of chewing. Though she'd offer to feed Mars, blowing on it so as to prevent him from unnecessarily hurting himself.more.

[ J ]   Jursol followed the others choosing still to listen as they moved. Her raptors purred as they nudged her now and then. She glanced around at things as they walked taking in the new sights.

When they arrived at the mans hut she took a minute to look around. The raptors needed to hunt for food and felt the same at the moment. Mars was in good hands for the time being. Breathing a sigh of relief before speaking up.

“We be needin ta hunt for der meat.”

She said pointing at the raptors. Jimba now in her arms as she pet him. Jursol looked once more to the others to be sure they would be OK for a bit while she was gone.

[ V . D ]   "Swiftly," Pame agreed with Jursol, her eyes sweeping the familiar forest with a glower before remarking secondly, stressing,

"Carefully. These woods are known for monstrosities."

-- The promise to Jursol made by Verzatea before her hunting spree was a vow to set up small hints to help guide the zandalari and her raptors to the right path, back to the traveling band of misfits after they began the journey. Something small, but something Jursol could track.

@siidaraykashebahl

@frompage112

@zandalaridruidofgonk

@thebladeitself

@whatadarkbitch

@pyravari-kashebahl

@miss-irascible

To be concluded in “In Mind of Misery, Manipulation, Epilogue″

[codexofaegis-blog]

Monday Chat #4 – Response to “Google’s Ideological Echo”

Originally this was going to be about some of my older writing on the blog, but my friend just happened to tell me about some drama going on in Google that I think fits pretty well with stuff I’ve talked about in my past (2014) articles, so I figured it would be better for a Monday Chat.

Just yesterday (August 5th as of writing) a pastebin was leaked from apparently an anonymous engineer working at Google, decrying their overarching corporate goal of diversity due to its effect of silencing certain ideas for solely “moral reasons” and forcing a completely equal corporate society where one doesn’t have to exist. As always, many have already thrown the essay off as inherently sexist – however, word from inside says that many of the engineers, no matter their background, agree with what it says. So, I figured I might as well take a neutral look to see whether or not this really does have some merit.

The essay starts with the writer defining some of his language, just as left and right political bias, psychological safety, as well as Google’s own biases (I won’t go into detail his precise definitions, as they’re extensive and also pretty much how they’re used in the everyday. If you’d like to see them yourself you can read the pastebin for itself. I’ve included a link below my thoughts). He describes that Google tends to have an extremely left wing bias, which is where its extensive diversity mantra comes for, and that it is generally bad for any business to have an extreme political stance (which is true). After this then comes the more controversial part of this so-called manifesto.

The writer decides to explain some of the biological differences between male and female, and how that might explain why not as many females go into the software engineering side of the workforce. His first point is spot on – the concept between empathizing versus systematizing. This concept explains that women tend to be more attached to people than to things (and men vice versa) which causes them to pick jobs that follow this logic, such as teachers, psychologists, and doctors, just to name a few. And this makes sense – these jobs have a much greater percentage of females working in them than men, while men work in more technical jobs such as software engineering. And really, there’s nothing wrong with this – a teacher is easily as economically valuable as an engineer (for if there are no teachers, where come the engineers?). These social jobs were once primarily suited toward men, due to an actual case of gender discrimination. Now, that’s not to say that their can’t be female engineers – biology and genetics aren’t end alls, especially when it comes to humans, and so there should definitely be a sizable group of girls wanting to become engineers and scientists, and they should have all the right to hold those jobs. But you can’t force a girl who doesn’t want to be an engineer to be an engineer – just like you can’t force a boy who doesn’t want to be a teacher to be a teacher.

His second point here is a bit more questionable. He states that women are more agreeable over assertive, and therefore have a harder time negotiation for salary, asking for raises, speaking up, and leading. I’ve found that this concept is pretty universal among all human beings, not just women. Many people will go for the easy but small win rather than the hard but big one just because they’re too afraid to speak for themselves, and I’ve never really seen this connected to women specifically outside of typical discriminatory portrayals. I feel that there is a large amount of weak, agreeable people in this world and a small amount of strong, assertive ones and that this is not dependent on gender, nor any other case – especially not biologically.

Same general feeling with his third claim – that women tend to be higher in neuroticism. I’d actually argue the exact opposite for this – in highly stressed environments, women tend to react more solemnly, whereas men deal with their situation with high anxiety. It’s also more common for higher intelligent males to pick up the trait of neuroticism than it is for higher intelligent females to. After this, he makes a few smaller claims which I all disagree with – such as “men have a higher drive for status” and “women are on average more cooperative” – but I’ll save talking about those and instead come back to his main point.

Where I completely agree with him is the fact that companies – and in fact, people in general – should not moralize ideas in order for them to be bulletproof. The concept of “diversity” shouldn’t be invincible from argument because its, well, “diversity” – in fact the only concepts that should be invincible from argument is fact and truth itself. But diversity is not in its entirety fact and truth – there is parts of diversity that is derived from facts and truth, but the concept itself is not completely impenetrable. And, of course, there is business fact that taking such a far left ideological stance not only hurts your employee’s opinion of you (such is the matter of this pastebin) but also might ward off potential workers as well. So I do believe all of the writer’s suggestions are sound. As for the people throwing this off as blatant and inherent sexism – well, I know it’s a long read, but I feel like making generic defamation articles without actually reading the work seems pretty silly, no?

But really, overall this is probably one of the more poorly construed calls for action that I’ve seen. A lot of it does get muddled in the core of the piece – making multiple assumptions on the opposite gender always seems like a pretty bad idea, as human beings and our naturally contradictory nature don’t tend to follow the stereotypes all that often (which is why I’d say take my own assumptions with a grain of salt). But, as for the idea of Google moralizing certain parts of their policy so that others cannot argue against it, it’s clearly a bad idea that doesn’t exactly work in the companies favor. In sum: If someone wants to be an engineer, let them be an engineer. If they don’t, then don’t. If someone wants to speak up against a policy, let them do so and then argue for or against it formally and logically. No topic is too holy to be argued – what one should do is show with facts and truth why diversity is as good as it is, don’t completely dismiss arguments against it in calling in “belligerently sexist”. I have seen some articles that have in fact taken this stance, taking what the pastebin says and making the arguments of why it is completely wrong. And while I am more in the gray area in terms of how I feel about it, I can find myself appreciating those who argue for or against it without just saying “its completely sexist so you shouldn’t even read it” or “google is an authoritarian SJW engine trying to destroy us with its liberal propaganda”. And that’s the conclusion I find myself writing at the end of all of these, but people still seem to not get it, and so I have to repeat myself every time. Oh well!

Link to the pastebin: https://pastebin.com/nJwfKjZc

Currently reading: I’ve begun to focus solely on House of Leaves and the Military Battles book, as I’m the farthest in both and am honestly just ready to finish them. I’ve also started back up my e-library after my last one with 5,000+ books was destroyed in a terrible accident (Library of Alexandria 2.0). I’ve decided that this time I’m not going to bulk download and instead just add a few at a time and read them. I’ve added a couple of science and mathematics papers as well as a few literature classics like Pride and Prejudice and Moby Dick. I’ll get around to them… eventually.

Currently playing: My attempts last week of organizing what I play have gone horribly awry, and I’m now at the point where I have to hold off what I play because I straight up don’t have enough space on my computer to handle it. I’ve started playing, among others: Rise of Nations, Empire Earth, Age of Empires 2 (I think I included this last time?), and Mount of Blade Warband (which includes a bunch of mods I installed, which is why it makes up the bulk of my playtime). Something’s got to go here.

Currently watching: Much more fruitful have been my attempts to organize what I watch. I’ve decided to go down the infamous “1001 films you must see before you die” list, speaking that I’ve already got 60 of them down I figure I might as well tackle the beast. Right now I’m on Les Vampires, a crime series from 1915 which is considered to be the first miniseries ever made. And to be honest, for being completely silent and in black and white this thing is pretty damn entertaining – though the fact that it’s 6 hours long in total has me worried. As for TV, I had actually planned to drop Game of Thrones this week but Showtime changed the show time (!) of Twin Peaks to one hour earlier without telling anybody so I was forced to watch Game of Thrones yet again while I waited for the Twin Peaks rerun. On a much better note because of this I ended up staying for a playing of the newest two episodes of Rick and Morty which were actually surprisingly great. I’ve always had a grudge for this show based on its obnoxious marketing schemes (this newest one was particularly bad) so I had never watched the show until now. But… at least the show’s good I guess? Also planning on seeing Dunkirk in theaters tomorrow (or today as of writing).

Currently listening: Not much new. Some Scum Fuck Flower Boy and some of the Dunkirk soundtrack. That’s about all for new music!

Well, that’s all for now. Remember to follow Codex of Aegis on Twitter and Facebook for more updates.

[therealdragonnerdagain]

To be honest, I wish they had done this for Inquisition. Just no fucking dlc greed and everything packaged in the base game, no in-game ads. Like the good ol' days.

To be honest, I believe the only reason they're taking this stance is that EA finally realized being greedy was pushing people away. A lot of people -- myself included -- have walked away from Bioware and are no longer buying their games (Inquisition was the last straw for me). The dlc greed is just a small part of the reason, though, Bioware. There’s also your misogyny, your racism, and your open support of violent transgender activists. 

The ending epilogue was a stupid cliffhanger that forced us to metagame about Solas being the Dreadwolf, and Trespasser should have been a part of the vanilla game. I mean, shouldn't the end of the fucking story be a part of the vanilla game??? Without it, too many characters had broken story arcs.

Cutting Trespasser into dlc was like . . . if Bioware decided to cut the Anders reveal at the end of Dragon Age 2 out of the game, then forced us to buy dlc in order to finish the mage/templar war in Kirkwall.

But there were a lot of things wrong with Inquisition -- such as sensitive princess David Gaider using Varric to insult fans for making valid criticisms about his shitty streamlined mess of a sequel.

Gaider is so misogynistic, too. I swear he revealed Varric's girlfriend just to give female Varric fans the middle finger. I'm not even a Varric "fan girl" and I can see it.

As evidenced by Cassandra and Aveline's implementation, Gaider thinks feminism is women in armor with pink hearts and square jaws. Making women equal means making women like men! Morrigan is the grand exception, but of course, she's presented as an utter bitch, as mostly all of the feminine women in Dragon Age are. Feminine is somehow "evil" in this world, a typically misogynistic view that is actually quite prevalent among gay men.

And then there's the way Dorian's every banter with Cassandra has him objectifying her and dressing her up like a doll in pretty scarves -- because that's exactly how gay men see women, as pretty dolls they can imitate and dress up and not as PEOPLE.

It's nice to see Bioware trying to learn from their past mistakes (I still don't trust them, though) but it would be nice if they would stop changing the lore in every game to shove "gender identity" down our throats.

The asari are women. WOMEN. Monogendered means ONE GENDER not no gender.

What is a woman? A human being with tits and a pussy. That is a woman.

Gender is not an identity. You are mentally ill and/or a misogynist who thinks a bunch of sexist stereotypes (dresses and makeup and high heels) and not physical attributes are what makes a woman. You can't even use the "what about women who don't have tits?" argument because those women are still born with female chromosomes.

White men in dresses are trying to redefine womanhood, are openly attacking women for talking about periods and female bodily functions, and are applauded for attacking queer women as "transphobic" for not liking dick.

Transgenderism is nothing but straight up misogyny in disguise, so it's not surprising that gay man David Gaider -- whose video games have always hated women -- would jump onboard alongside his equally misogynistic straight male friends at Bioware to spout this nonsense.

Yeah, I'll say it if no one else will.I do not fear the dark shithole of faux social justice madness that is tumblr. I’ve been attacked by you all before, and quite honestly, it’s just bouncing off at this point.

I liked Krim but the character was implemented badly, aggressively attacking the Inquisitor for being clueless and changing the qunari lore just to fit in the story.

I am honestly sick of this shit.

You could say to me, "Well, being gay is a mental illness too."

Well, even if it was, at least I'm not going around attacking women for talking about their bodies, silencing them, redefining their language, and telling them they're horrible people for not liking dick, which is literally the definition of being a lesbian.

My "mental illness" is not routinely used to attack other people. As a woman who likes women, I just want the freedom to love who I will and not be bothered or socially, economically oppressed about it. I am not out redefining manhood or telling men they have to like dick or else they're homophobic or something. I am not wearing bloody t-shirts and talking about beating up men for not including me, a woman, in their safe spaces.  

And just in case people are about to say it . . . no. This isn’t the same as lesbians not liking bisexuals. That is biphobia. Lesbians are sexually, romantically attracted to other women -- not just other lesbians -- and if they refuse to date bisexuals -- who are women -- on the basis on stereotypes and prejudice formed from a few bad experiences, that make them biphobic. End of. 

They are refusing to date a certain group of women on the basis of hate, even though they are sexually attracted to these women, who fall under the definition of “being attracted to other women.”

There’s a difference between a preference and prejudice. Preferring to date one group over another is wildly different than blowing off the other group entirely. 

This transgender shit has gotten out of hand, and I'm tired.

I don't have anything against transgender people. I don't care if you're a man and you want to wear a dress. Do whatever the hell you want, as long as you aren't hurting me. But please stop telling me you're a woman. Please stop trying to define what it means to be a woman. Stop invading my spaces to lecture me about your mental illness. Please have something to say in video games aside from "Hello, I'm transgender, now let me teach you about it" otherwise you're a token. Please stop bragging about beating up women who don't agree that having a dick makes you a woman (see how insane that sounds?).

You are biologically a man. You're a man. Gender is not an identity. It's a random happenstance at birth. Take some medication and see a therapist. Or don't. Just stop trying to tell me what a woman is.

No, I don't want you in my public restrooms. Why the hell should I? You are biologically a man. That makes you a danger to me. And if you want to argue about that, I've got thousands of years of history regarding all the biological men who raped, assaulted, and murdered women to support my argument. What have you got?

No, I don't want you in my prisons. See above.

No, I don't even want you in my video games at this point. Because all you do is show up to lecture me about your gender dysphoria and how I'm a bad person for not thinking a man with a dick is a woman. At least gay and bi characters these days actually have some backstory.  

Stop lecturing me about women's problems when you were born a man and were socially conditioned to behave like a man -- as is evidenced by all the bullying, violence, and mansplaining you do toward women.

Also, why are you calling yourselves two-spirits? For the love of god, stop appropriating words from cultures you don't even understand. The only "third" gender belongs to intersexual people, who are born with both sets of sexual organs. Everyone else is either a man or a woman. Period. What you imagine as a "gender identity" is just a bunch of a stereotypes you're confusing with gender roles. It just shows how sexist you are that you think being a woman is getting your hair done and polishing your nails.  

Get out of my spaces, get out of my face, get out of my public restrooms, and just get out.

If you're like Bioware and support violent transgender misogynistic activists, then please stop following this blog and kindly do not speak to me.

Do not send me angry private messages because I won't read them.

Fuck off and leave me alone.

/rant done

[mmbookreviews]

Quick Takeaway: KJ Charles latest was a huge disappointment. I expected sexy fun. I got a PSA on being a dutiful boyfriend to your NB partner.

Genre and plot: This is the third in Charles’ Sins of the Cities trilogy, which is basically a three-volume sensation novel. Sensation novels were a 19thC genre characterized by secret babies, surprise bigamy, and over-the-top melodrama. Charles nailed the genre. I was able to make it through book 3 because I wanted to know how the assassination and conspiracy plot from the other two volumes turned out. The plotty parts did feel a bit rushed. I wonder if I would enjoy the three books more if I’d had them all available to read at once, since the plot fails to resolve in the first two, and all three overlap in time. Overall, this aspect was strong, though weaker than some of Charles’ others and weaker than a conventional historical mystery novel.

Technical: As always, Charles’ prose is miles above everyone else in this genre. There were neither misplaced commas nor infelicitous word choices in sex scenes.

Sex and romance: The prior two books revealed who the pairing would be in this one, and I loved the idea: The one-armed private detective, a gruff, blue collar, manly fellow we’d met several times before, plus the beautiful trapeze artist and secret aristocrat we’ve seen only from a distance. Book 1 of the trilogy was a bit issuefic-y for me and hit one of my biggest squicks, but not as hard as it might have. Book 2 I unexpectedly loved despite the heroes being least likely to appeal to me on paper. Book 3 I thought I would love the most. Instead, I found it twice as much like an unpleasant PSA, and the anticipation made that even more disappointing.

It either wasn’t mentioned or I didn’t remember how Mark got his disability. I assumed that it was from an accident, but in this book, he talks about growing up with his congenital lack of a limb. I found that part interesting. There’s a touch of vulnerability about it in the romance parts, but it isn’t dwelt on extensively. I liked that Mark was completely comfortable with himself but that this didn’t automatically mean he couldn’t be nervous about how someone else would react, nor did Pen with his own unusual identity instantly know how to react to Mark’s disability.

Pen is nonbinary. In the past, I’ve appreciated Charles’ commitment to including characters other than the cis, white, able-bodied 100% gay 5eva men who make up most historical m/m romance casts. This was not one of those times. I appreciate that she talked to actual nonbinary people and did a lot of research, but she got things a little too realistic for me in the sense that Pen is profoundly uncomfortable with his body, and this is dwelt on. Characters who hate their bodies, even if only in some ways on some days, are an absolute NOPE for me in a sex scene or a romance. A nonbinary character who laughs in the face of gender norms would be hot to me. A character who has to disguise themselves but is perfectly at ease while doing so despite knowing they’re something else inside is very hot to me. A character who starts out somewhat uncomfortable and gets over it is fine. A character who is going to continue to be uncomfortable in their own skin is extremely unhot to me. The major plot conflict hinges on Pen’s crippling dysphoria if he’s forced to present as male all the time, so this topic came up again and again.

But what really ruined this book for me was that it has my #1 most hated squick: “I love you so much that my needs don’t matter.”

Mark more than once contemplates his new understanding of Pen’s special needs and how he’d like to blow him or fuck him or whatever, but if Pen never wants his dick touched again because he’s having dysphoria issues, that will be okay because ~love~ and ~it’s special when it’s youuuu~.

Barf forever.

I’m sure someone will yell at me for that opinion. This may be realistic and sensitive to the needs of nonbinary readers, but it didn’t work for me, and it makes me wonder if I should take Charles off of my automatic to-buy list. Combined with her extratextual comments, I get the sense that this may be a continuing trend in her writing. It’s the same trope as the Perfect Boyfriend from so many fanfics who puts his life on hold for 10 years while someone recovers from their serious depression and mental illness: A nice fantasy if you identify with the character being waited for and waited on. A horrible nightmare for me since I always identify with the other, I Have No Needs Because You’re Special, support system character. I’m sure people will be offended and point out the parts of the book where Mark’s needs are mentioned or we see that he really enjoys whatever sex they’re having, but those felt like lipservice to me. The part that felt genuine was Pen giving Mark lectures about What it Means to be NB. Those felt straight out of a tumblrite’s mouth. Modern. Realistic. Not something I want to encounter in a romance novel and not something I felt fit the tone of a historical sensation novel either.

I ended up liking Pen’s sister way more than him, and I felt sorry for her having to put up with him. The narration tells us that she’s the sensible but pessimistic and cynical one, while he’s this little ray of sunshine who lives in the moment. I would probably like the sensible character more than the one who lives in the moment, but I can appreciate that contrast, and a sunny character is a welcome foil to an eeyore. In practice, the sister seemed both sensible and passionate, while Pen seemed to be in a bad mood for the entire book save one or two scenes. He was grumpy, terrified, and impractical, and he wasn’t even funny. I never got a clear picture of the ‘before’ state with his positive qualities on display. It felt like a Mary Sue who deserves everyone’s support and attention, whether they’re the romantic lead or anyone else in the vicinity.

Maybe it’s because Pen is uncomfortable with his body, but I didn’t get a palpable sense of lust from this book. Even in the last sex scene, I didn’t get a real sense of them having the hots for each other. It all felt anemic, like it was being told rather than shown, though that may have been my cumulative YUCK factor from the rest of the book talking. And this is despite the fact that Mark is getting fucked by a cock for the first time (hot!), and they’re talking about his past experiences with pegging (hot!!!), and Pen is feeling reassured because ladies can have cocks too and all that (also hot). On paper, this should all work for me, but it just didn’t. I felt like the author was trying to avoid fetishizing and went so far in the other direction that all of the fun fantasy went away.

The anemic blandness was present in other parts of the book as well. Sensation novels are known for their ludicrous levels of melodrama, and this trilogy has many moments that should be like that on paper. At the end of book 2, Mark betrays Pen. The same scene happens half way through book 3, after we’ve had time to see them get to know each other and fall in love, making it all the more devastating... Theoretically. Both of them have huge, dramatic, angsty reactions. Except we barely see Mark’s reaction, and Pen forgives him five seconds after he shows up again. I get that Pen is still reeling from the attempt on his own life, but if this were a proper sensation novel, Mark would hear that Pen had died for real and would rush to the site where he’d get on his knees in the pouring rain and howl about how it was all his fault or something equally ridiculous. The fact that Mark is so stable, sensible, and self-contained makes this sort of thing even more delightful to contemplate. He has told us that this is the first time he’s been in love and had more than a pleasant, bland reaction to another person. But the author sure as hell never showed us, not in a dramatic way and not in a quiet way either. Instead, we got instant forgiveness and very little conflict. The conspiracy plot wrapped up in five seconds via a book 2 character showing up with some evidence, so it’s not like that was taking up the time either.

I expected a meal. I got a stale snack and a lecture.