#but Gil totally tells lame jokes like this

[softquietsteadylove]

Ok but what about Gil making some dad jokes? 😂

In the end he makes one that even Thena finds funny but would never admit!

Choose the AU 😁

"Hey."

"Hey," Gil greeted in return. He was watched as he dropped his bag off by the door and then moved further into the cabin--his cabin. But he was used to it.

The White Wolf hadn't been cleared to return to the field, much to her seething rage about it. Too much risk of infection walking around in the open, carrying gear, chafing, sweating, exposing it to open air. She was required to remain stationary for at least two weeks.

She had gotten off the call with the medic team and nearly thrown his laptop into the fire for it.

He had kept his promise, given her the space she was used to and the privacy she wanted. She stayed in his bed while he went to work, mostly read. And then when he got home she would complain about wanting to leave. It was their little routine.

"How is it out there?"

Gil raised a brow but just nodded, "pretty normal stuff."

Thena just nodded, setting her book aside. Some days she was a little less prickly. Usually it meant she wanted something.

He looked at her, "you hungry?"

She never admitted to actually needing anything from him. He was under the impression that if he didn't ask her directly she might wither away and starve. But she was a truly terrible cook when left to her own devices.

He was still trying to determine if that was an effect of being out in the woods for a year on her own, or if it was a pre-existing condition.

She nodded.

Gil smiled a little. They were getting more used to each other, and he knew the Wolf had a sense of humour in her somewhere. He put a hand to his ear, "what was that?"

"Fuck you."

Her words had no real bite to them anymore. He chuckled, "no, wasn't that."

Thena sighed and glared at him with all the vitriol in her 5'8" frame. "A little."

"Good," he grinned at her before looping into the semi-attached kitchen nook, "I'm a medium hungry myself."

Thena rolled her eyes visibly and loudly.

Gil let the little joke suffice and moved into the kitchen. "Dry season's coming, so there's a lot of extra trimming happening."

He didn't get an answer, but he wouldn't expect one from the Wolf. That didn't mean she wasn't listening, either.

"I walked by your last post. It's still intact," he continued as he pulled stuff out of the fridge. He didn't have much to work with, but Thena wasn't particularly picky either. Little thing could eat like a real monster if she liked something. "Do you need anything?"

After learning that she would be staying with him a little longer, he had gone back to her camp and packed up everything for her and brought it back here. She had been a little averse to him packing up her personals, but she let him bring her things to her. He had to assume she arranged and packed them more to her tastes while he was at work.

"Not to be trapped in your bed like an animal?"

"Hm," Gil murmured as he slid some ground hamburger and onions in a pan, "I don't think they have that at the drop-mart."

More silence, most definitely her groaning at his jokes again.

Once he was satisfied that he had the makings for a decent sauce, he set it on low to reduce and went back out to her. He leaned against the doorway. "Cleaned?"

She eyed him. He was asking about her healing burns. "Had a shower."

That wasn't exactly cleaning them with a saline solution, but he supposed it did technically qualify as being washed out. He came a little closer, "you need help with the bandages?"

She looked up at him. Sometimes - certainly not always - he could get some of her guard down. If he spoke softly, moved slowly, something about it could calm her usual worry and help her open up to him, even a little. She shook her head.

"Okay," he accepted without much argument. Less fuss the better, with the White Wolf. "Hey, I brought some stuff for you."

She gave him her driest, deadliest look, "if it's another stupid joke I swear to god-"

"Okay, okay," he chuckled as he bent down to his backpack and pulled it open. "Went to the station, found some stuff that might help pass the time."

Thena let him bring it over, depositing some books on the night table within her reach, setting down a couple of snacks. She picked up the peanuts immediately.

Gil watched her tear into them, really giving him the unfortunate impression that she hadn't done anything to feed herself while he was gone. "Sometimes I think all you eat is trail mix."

She glared at him as she shovelled more toasted peanuts in her mouth.

"But that's," he grinned at her, "just nuts."

She flicked one at him.

He caught it after it bounced off his forehead and popped it in his mouth. She could have all the nuts she wanted, really. Anything, so long as she was eating. "Don't fill up. I'm making spaghetti."

Thena's eyes widened and she tilted her head. She liked his spaghetti.

"I brought some coffee too," he continued as he went to actually put on the noodles, seeing as how his guest was apparently starving.

"Coffee?"

Ooh, that was really catching her fancy. Gil made a note to himself to bring more, and not just the instant stuff she could technically make for herself out in the woods.

"Coffee," he confirmed as he salted the pasta water. "But I had to file a report on it."

"File a report?"

He didn't look at her. It tended to put her on edge. But she had gotten out of bed just to verify his coffee story. He reached for the pasta, "yep--usual stuff, I was making some coffee and...it got mugged."

"Gilgamesh."

Whatever, he liked his dumb jokes. He laughed, ignoring how she was glaring at him for it. He bobbed his head to the side, "get out some bowls?"

Thena didn't love being told what to do, but she seemed to far prefer it to listening to him tell jokes straight out of an outdated 'dad' manual. She did retrieve some bowls for them.

After tossing the noodles in the sauce properly he served Thena first, and with a mountain's worth of noodles and meat sauce. She would get through it, and he would have more where that came from, too.

"Thanks," she muttered quietly. She did turn and leave without waiting for him, but he was charmed when she plunked his own bowl into his hand first. It was a small gesture, but it was about as outwardly caring as Thena could get.

She sat herself in front of the fire to eat, taking up the chair of his she liked the best to do so. She had his blanket around her bony little shoulders, probably after she had taken her shower and left her hair down to dry.

She might look cute if she weren't eating spaghetti like a starving dog.

Gil smiled as he sat down in his other chair next to her. He dug in too, just at a more human pace. It was good spaghetti at least. He peeked over at her.

She licked some sauce off her lips, repeating the motion like a dog licking its chops. She caught him staring and frowned, "what?"

Gil blushed. He hadn't meant to stare, let alone in any particular way, at any particular part of her. He cleared his throat, "uhm, I was, uh, gonna tell a vegetable joke."

She glared at him, cold as ice, daring him to go through with it.

He smiled down at his bowl, "but...it's a little corny."

He needed new material.

Thena laughed. It was quick, and light, and she held up her hand to hide her mouth, but she laughed.

Gil stared at her though, positively elated. She had a cute laugh. "Hey!"

She shook her head, trying to banish the smile from her face, "don't get any ideas."

"But you laughed!" he pointed, even risking her turning around and biting his finger off. "You're laughing!"

Thena faked a dramatic sigh and poked at her food, "maybe it's Stockholm, being cooped up here with you."

"No, you laughed at my joke," he continued to state with the utmost pride. And why the hell not? He had gotten a laugh out of the White Wolf. He felt like he had tamed a bear single handed. "Never thought I'd see the day."

Thena rolled her eyes at him but she didn't get up and leave him to eat alone, like the first night or two. She took another, slower bite. "Call it payment for all your help."

She didn't have to repay him for anything. Although hearing that beautiful laugh she had really was a nice bonus.

[kindofchaoticgood]

Shady’s Back, Tell a Friend

Deleted scenes from Descendants 2, featuring your favorite pirates.

Harry burst into the shoppe, eyes ablaze and a maniacal grin on his face. “Guess who’s ba-ack?”

Uma raised an eyebrow from behind the counter. “You?”

“The witch who stole my glass eye?” Ashe guessed, and then giggled at her own joke.

“Your sanity?” Jonas suggested, as Marya snickered.

“Ha bloody ha, fuck you. No, it’s much better than that.” Harry hopped over the counter and leered at Uma. “Let’s just say she’s the bastard brat of a certain faerie turned lizard.”

Uma’s eyes widened, Gonzo spat out his beer in Ashe’s face, but Jonas just laughed. “Dude, don’t fuck with us like that, Uma’s gonna fucking kill you.”

Harry gave Jonas a withering look. “Shut yer trap.”

“Wait, you’re serious?” Jonas looked incredulous. “What the fuck is she doing here?”

“Who gives a fuck about what she’s doing here? I say we go find the bitch and pound her!” Marya said, pounding the table for emphasis.

“I’m with Marya,” Ashe agreed, casting a glare at Gonzo and wiping off her face. “Let’s feed her to Harry’s pet crocodile—”

“Shut the fuck up Ashe, it’s not my pet—”

“Ooh! Or we could string her up and use her as target practice for the little kids!” Ashe finished, looking a little too thrilled with the idea.

“We’re not doing any of that,” Uma responded coolly, sliding a tray off of the counter and passing it back to Cook.

When she turned back around, Jonas was staring at her as though she had announced a desire to become a pretty, pretty princess, Marya was giving her a look that clearly said wtf?, Gonzo was eyeing her as though she had some sort of contagious disease, and Harry and Ashe looked like Christmas had been cancelled.

“I’m sorry,” Marya said after a pause. “I just blacked out for a moment. Could you repeat that?”

“We’re not doing any of your lame-ass ideas,” Uma replied. “Instead, we’re going to cut her up, bake her into a pie, and send it to the king.”

Jonas burst out laughing and Gonzo shook his head. “Jesus, Captain, for a second there . . .”

“You bitch! I thought you were going soft on us!” Ashe chucked a rag at Uma’s head, which missed by a wide margin and flopped pathetically onto the floor. Marya sniggered.

“Nice aim, Ashleigh.”

“Bite me, preacher girl,” Ashe retorted.

Harry was giving Uma a starry-eyed look, and honestly, Marya was surprised hearts weren’t flying around his head. “I have never been so attracted to you, darling,” the pirate purred, snaking an arm around Uma’s waist and drawing her close.

“Fucking hell, get a room, you two,” Gonzo said disgustedly as Uma smirked up at Harry.

“Does nobody care that this rat bastard is feeling up my cousin in front of me?” Jonas asked the room. “Just me? Okay.”

 Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Isle . . .

 “Si-Si! Si-Si!” Jia chanted as she ran towards her older sister, Nicky close on her heels.

“Calm down, midget,” Sierra ordered.

“What is it?” Claudine asked, in a much gentler tone.

Jia brandished the royal blue wallet embroidered with a garish red design, too out of breath to speak, so Nicky took over for her. “We stole Evie’s wallet!”

Sierra rolled her eyes. “That’s great, hon, but from who?”

“Evie! We saw her, and then Jia was like, we should totally tag team her, and then we did and then she gave it to us! Isn’t that so weird?”

“So weird,” Jia agreed breathlessly.

But Claudine had frozen in place, and Sierra was still trying to sort through what Nicky had just spouted off. “Did you just say you saw Evie? Evie as in blue hair, Evil Queen-spawn Evie?”

“Yeah!” Nicky agreed enthusiastically. “There was so much money in her wallet, but we spent some of it on sour lemons—”

“Where did you see her?” Claudine interrupted sharply, and Sierra looked at her in surprise; she had never heard that tone from Claudine before.

“I think they were heading towards the Horned King’s bazaar—”

Claudine started storming towards where Nicky and Jia had just come from, and Sierra was just about to pull her aside and demand what the hell she was doing when Gil barreled past them, nearly knocking Jia and Claudine off their feet. Sierra and Nicky managed to flatten themselves against a wall in time.

“What the hell?” Claudine demanded, straightening her headscarf and scowling at Gil.

“Going somewhere, Egg-head?” Sierra asked sarcastically, brushing debris off of Jia’s hat.

“Got news for Uma,” Gil called over his shoulder (not even out of breath, Sierra noted enviously), “You’ll never guess who’s here!”

An idea came to Sierra, and so being Sierra, she ran with it. “Oh yeah? Well, we’ve got news too. Race you for who gets to tell Uma first!”

She sprinted towards the direction of the docks, leaving a stunned Claudine and Gil chasing after her, yelling, “Sierra, you bastard, you never called out a starting time!”

“Can’t hear you from how far away I am!” she called back.

Gil cursed and picked up the pace, leaving Claudine with Jia and Nicky.

Claudine sighed, and then smiled down at the six-year-olds. “Which one of you wants to ride on my back and which one wants to try and beat me to the Chip Shoppe?”

Nicky and Jia’s eyes lit up.

 *****

At the Chip Shoppe, Morwenna Mim was scarfing down a plate of cold crab surprise like it was the last meal she would ever have. (And given that this was the Isle, who knew if she would survive until tomorrow?)

“Slow down, Baby Mim,” Uma said, leaning against the counter with an amused expression on her face. “Food’s not gonna run away from you.”

“I know that,” Morwenna retorted. “This tastes like it’s been dead for two weeks at least,” she gave the plate a disgusted look. “This isn’t even crab!”

Uma laughed, but Desiree, who was walking by, called out to her. “Just pour some mustard on it; it helps with the taste of rot.”

Morwenna was in the process of drowning the crab surprise with mustard when Gil and Sierra burst through the door, shoving each other.

“—Get off me, you dick!” Sierra snarled, trying to pry up Gil’s fingers from around her arm.

“The only reason you beat me is because you tripped me as I was walking up the steps!”

“I can’t help that you have weak ankles!”

“What the fuck ever, Sierra – UMA!” Gil hollered at the captain, who gave them a look of vague interest. “The – mmph!”

Sierra slammed a hand over his mouth. “Ladies first, Gil, didn’t your mother teach you manners?”

Their fight had caught the attention of the rest of the crew, and now they were all watching Gil and Desiree with avid interest. Harry, Jonas, and Big Murph were betting in quiet voices on who would end up winning. Jonas was betting on Gil because he had muscles to spare, Murph was betting on Sierra because she was scrappy, and Harry was betting that Uma would kill them both before they ever finished fighting.

Gil licked Sierra’s hand, and she yanked it back with a disgusted yell. “King Ben’s in the Isle!” Gil bellowed before Sierra could try to strangle him.

Desiree dropped a tray with a loud clatter, Marya actually gasped out loud, Gonzo reflexively reached for his sword and then remembered it was at the sword check, Sierra looked stunned, and Morwenna felt her fingers clench around the cheap metal fork, bending it.

Uma was staring at Gil, eyes stormy and face unreadable, but before she could do anything, Nicky ran through the door and jumped into Murph’s arms, yelling; “Dad, Jia and I saw Evie, Carlos, and Jay sneaking into the Horned King’s Bazaar!”

Claudine shouldered her way through the double doors, Jia clinging to her neck like a small monkey. “Did he tell you . . . .?” she took a moment to observe the room and raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t expecting this amount of shock.”

“The king’s in the Isle,” Sierra said hoarsely, still holding Gil in a headlock.

Claudine blinked, and then carefully unwound Jia’s arms from around her neck before setting her down and staggering into a chair.

Nicky looked confused. “Wait, when did the king come here?”

Quite honestly, that’s what Morwenna wanted to know too.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Uma asked. Her face was calculating, and her eyes were focused on something past them. Harry had silently gravitated to her side, a dark scowl on his face. “Our lovesick king must have followed Mal to the Isle, and taken the other three traitors as tour guides.”

“Wait, Mal’s here too?” Gil demanded, sounding utterly confused.

“Oh my God,” Marya whispered. “This is way too good to be true . . .”

“Yes!” Ashe cackled, rubbing her hands together. “We’re baking five pies tonight, bitches!” She waved a dismissive hand at Sierra’s incredulous look. “I’ll explain later.”

“Shut up, all of you,” Uma commanded, and the room quieted instantly. “We have an opportunity and I intend to make the most out of it.” She cast a glare around the room, meeting each person’s eyes. “Are all of you with me?”

“Always,” Harry said instantly.

“Of course, Captain,” Gonzo agreed, Murph and Claudine nodding in affirmative.

“We’ll do whatever it takes, Uma,” Sierra declared as Ashe nodded vigorously and Marya grinned devilishly.

“Do you even have to ask?” Desiree asked, giving her cousin a shark smile. Jonas smirked at Uma and saluted her with his shot glass before downing it.

Everyone turned to Gil with raised eyebrows, waiting. It took Gil a second to notice them, and then he grinned embarrassedly. “Sorry, got distracted. I’m your man, boss.”

“Good.” Uma climbed on top of the table, and Morwenna was forced to abandon her crab surprise and push her chair back to avoid getting stepped on. “We’re getting off the Isle, and we’re gonna use the king to do it. Our primary target is no longer Mal. That bitch can rot in her house forever as far as I care. No, we need the king in order for this to work.” Her eyes gleamed feverishly. “And I’m going to go get him.”

“Hell yes,” Claudine spoke up, color returning to her cheeks. Desiree smirked, and Gil looked excited.

“Cuz?” Jonas spoke up. “Not to rain on your parade or anything, but Auntie’s still here . . .”

Uma scowled, her mood instantly plummeting. “Goddamn it.” She cast a glare at the kitchen, but then gave a devious smile as she looked down at her first mate. “Harry?”

He gave her a sultry look, menace lurking in his smile. “Yes, Captain?”

“Would you be a dear and pick up the king for me?”

The pirate grinned, and absently, Morwenna wondered how he had managed to show off of all of his teeth at once. “It would be my pleasure, lovely,”

“Cool.” Uma nimbly hopped off of the table and whisked away Morwenna’s plate. “I’ll leave the details to you, I want to be surprised.”

Harry looked positively deranged as he turned to leer at the assembled crowd, all chomping at the bit to go and kidnap a king.

“Oh and Harry?” Uma poked her head out through the window. “Try not to hit him too much; he looks like he bruises like a peach.”

“But that eliminates half of my ideas!” Harry complained.

“Not my problem,” Uma disappeared back into the kitchen with an evil laugh.

Scowling like a little boy who had just been denied sweets, Harry turned back to the crew. “Who wants to drag a king’s body?”

“I will!” Ashe called out instantly.

“If Ashe is going, so am I,” Sierra said authoritatively. “You guys remember the last time . . .”

Morwenna barely contained a shudder. The blood, the way it had spattered all over her freshly-stolen dress . . . It was almost too gruesome to bear, but Morwenna was a Mim, and Mims were never intimidated.

“Alright, then that’s two people to drag the body. Who wants to distract him?”

Instantly, the Chip Shoppe was filled with yelling.

Jonas was proclaiming that since he was Uma’s cousin, he should be a part of the team that bought the king in, while Desiree told him to sit down and shut up because he had no subtlety, and she was infinitely more qualified than him. Marya was arguing with Gonzo over who had to look over Nicky, since Murph really wanted to test his new war hammer. Claudine was yelling at Gil because Gil insisted that she wouldn’t be able to contain herself from killing the king instantly, and she was telling him that his Gaston-ness would make it so that he would feel obligated to kill Ben. Meanwhile, Jia and Nicky were vehemently insisting that they were capable of dragging the king’s carcass through the streets.

In the midst of the chaos, Morwenna felt herself stand on her chair and whistle sharply, like Maddy had taught her.

The room quieted, everyone swiveling around to stare at the young Mim girl.

“I’ll do it,” she spoke firmly, casting her eyes around the room like she had seen Uma do countless times, daring anyone to challenge her.

As if on cue, the crew looked at Harry for his reaction.

Harry’s face was blank at first, but then he gave Morwenna a mocking grin. “Make us proud Mim,” he drawled.

Morwenna smiled. Finally.

****

Ben needed to walk away from the situation and clear his head for a minute. His mind kept on flashing over Mal’s face before she had handed him the ring back, twisted with tears and stubbornness. The only thing that he could focus on was the coldness of the ring in his hand.

As he walked away, he dimly heard Evie trying to talk with Mal, while Carlos and Jay quietly argued over what to do.

Does Mal and I breaking up mean that I can’t see them again? That’s how it goes in those pop songs doesn’t it? I get the ring and my jacket, she keeps all the friends.

Ben was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he barely registered bumping into someone and nearly knocking them over.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying to clear his mind. Gods be good, now he was bumping into random pedestrians? What was wrong with him?

“That’s alright, your highness,” a voice said sweetly.

Ben looked down, and for a minute, he could’ve sworn that it was a six-year old version of Mal looking up him, and then he couldn’t breathe.

But wait . . . this girl had dimples when she smirked, and while Mal had pale green eyes, this girl’s eyes were so dark that Ben felt like he was drowning.

“I have to admit,” Not-Mal said, her eyes shining malevolently up at him. “I’m a little disappointed by how easy this is.”

Before Ben could try to speak, or run away, the girl leapt at him, striking him in the temple with a cold metal band around her knuckles.

The last thing Ben saw before the darkness dragged him under was purple hair.