#but I cant just go to bed or itll mess up my sleep routines

[doebt]

My blackout poem

[sereniv]

i managed to talk myself into picking some stuff up

conversation went similar to this (not all exact wording but the jist) in case its helpful to anyone especially if you have executive dysfunction or anxiety or depression and have a hard time getting things done. rebloggable if helpful

"just get up and pick some things up"

"but theres so much and itll make me exhausted"

"just throw away only trash thats easy to home in on theres not much to figure out with cough drop wrappers"

"but ill get tired im tired thinking about it. how do i even start?"

"first look at the area you want to pick up. do it right now. normalize it take your time looking at each item"

"im atarting to get overwhelmed and a headache i cant manage that rn. im going to get too tired"

"are you tired enough to sleep?"

"no"

"are you tired enough to get up to go to the bathroom?"

"no"

"pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. and bring the toilet paper in. thats all you have to do. on your way in"

"how do i get up?"

"breathe. move your fingers. move your toes. move until you get used to the idea of moving. roll a little, or rock. hum in your chest its too quite for us. its too stagnant"

eventually i was able to losen myself up and sit in bed. i kept reminding myself that i just have to do one thing and that can be on the way to do something i always do which is go to the bathroom

"get up and go to the bathroom

get up and go to the bathroom and stop stop, get the toilet paper. grab it. pull it with you"

i reminded myself that the moment i felt too tired exhausted fatigued i could drop it all and lay back down.

but i gave my self a condition. That if i cant bring in the toilet paper then i dont get to go to the bathroom. (i didnt have a urgent need to go)

I told myself i could also pick up one wrapper or one tissue and throw it away. or if i had a problem bending down i could close some drawers

i reminded myself that even the smallest thing once in a while adds up. if i picked up one tissue a day. every other day. 1 tissue a week, eventually my room will be cleaner

i kept bringing my attention back. because i would get overwhelmed. But i told myself to ignore everything block everything out except one item like a cough drop wrapper

and this was before i got up. once i got up i stood. i told myself to take a deep breath and that if i wanted to sit back down i could

but i was up, and i reminded myself that ive checked off one thing off the list. if i sit back down its ok, because i got myself up.

i reminded myself my room has been a mess for months. and that whats another month of it being messy, except now that month will be filled with constant attempts and praise of those attempts

and at the end of the month if i picked up one wrapper that can still be considered a success especially compared to previous months where i didnt make any attempts

so i got up and i stood there. i told myself to move my fingers and my toes and my neck and my arms

normalize body movements while standing up, especially when its quiet it can make me feel stagnant and its hard to have controlled movements (as in not just routine like going to the bathroom)

standing up felt like i could actually do something. it felt different from laying down, laying down was too comfortable and made me not want to get up

but now i was up and i loosened my muscles enough.

"how are you feeling?"

"ok but its so tempting to lay back down again but i want to get something done i feel bad"

"its okay to lay back down you know that right?"

"but i feel bad for not doing something"

"getting up is doing something"

"im going to attempt to take the toilet paper"

and once i started moving it kind of set into place and i was able to pick up a few things, more than i expected.

because being overwhelmed or feeling bad about not being able to do something makes you forget how easy something is or how not scary or bad it is

so i ended up not needing to keep talking myself up, and was able to put the toilet paper away

i also had conversation about my clothes:

"i want to move my bed but i cant because theres dirty clothes on the floor and a box i have to get rid of and a basket of clothes that are clean that i have to go through what do i do? how do i do all that? its so much. where do i put my dirty clothes"

"put the clothes in the box. you dont know where to put the box yet, so dump all the clothes you find even clean ones in the box. its ok to wash ones that are clean. the box can then go in the corner, and you deal with that later"

so put the clothes in the box. and moved it to the corner. immediately i see more clear space and socks scattered. i reminded myself to focus on the dirty clothes which were easy to home in on. and the scarf and anything else considered clothing even stuff i knew i hadnt worn (clean).

seeing the carpet less cluttered made my brain calm down. it made it easier

and i didnt do more, even though i felt like i could

keep your energy. keep doing it this way. you did a little, and i know you can do more. but you dont need to take this opportunity. you dont need to rush. you dont need to go until youre worn out. you are allowed to do the bare minimum and you are allowed to not do your best. because sometimes doing your best saps your energy ao you only can do your best a few times. if you do your least, you can do your least more.

So yeah ive been trying to break things down, and go through the repetitive nature of anxiety and executive dysfunction. its a baby. it cant figure these things out and its like going around in circles

but you repeat yourself and are kind and remind yourself that even moving a finger can be enough for now, and eventually that like 10 minute or more conversation can normalize these things

can break through the problem. treat your anxiety and your depression and your executive dysfunction and overwhelmeness like a little kid. whos scared, whose confused. who needs to have things repeated. who needs reasurence and praise. be patient

i feel good. i picked up some trash and put toilet paper away and dumped clothes into a box. i went farther then i expected. and i stopped even though i could do more and im glad i stopped.

your conversations might take longer half hour. an hour. but it has to be encouraging. not rushing. explain to yourself. ask yourself questions.

how are you feeling? why? break it down for yourself like a child. you deserve patience and kindness. you deserve to have your hand held and to be praised by you.

[pbandjesse]

It is april 10th 2017 and it is SNOWING! What the hell! I wouldn’t be as annoyed if I didn’t miss my bus home and have to walk in it for a while. but its still ridiculous that there is snow.

Todays been a bit all over the place. I couldn’t fall asleep last night but eventually I just took a second melatonin and was able to knock out for a few hours. I got up at 6 and had toast, showered, and was out by 630. The bus was running like 20 minutes late and I was going to be late for my dentist appointment so I decided to just walk the mile downtown. I just made it with 2 minutes to spare and the receptionist was very proud of me. I didn’t wear a coat because I didn’t want it to be cold. And while it wasn’t my smartest move I had my big scarf on and that kept my shoulders warm.

They were able to build back up my tooth. Without having to numb me; but a few parts were incredibly painful. But it was fine. They showed me metal teeth options as a temporary permanent fix. As in itll last a few years but not forever. But with my parents help I can afford that. So next month after I do my thesis defense I will get a metal tooth. Neat.

I tried to put money on my bus pass but the machine wouldn’t read my card. So I just went and caught the bus to the post office. Except they didn’t open for a half hour. I walked around the CVS for as long as I could stand it. I bought some snack bars to keep in my purse. I was the first one in line at the post office once they did open though.

I inquired about a passport. I want to get that in the next couple weeks. I mailed in my taxes and picked up a package. It was the vest I ordered with my Causebox gift card. I’m wearing it in my photo and I love it. I didn’t have high hopes that it would fit because it was a small but its actually perfect. I can zip it up even.

I got home around 930. I made a fried egg sandwich and watched some tv. I got back in bed because I was freezing. I ended up closing the blinds and sleeping until almost noon. It was a good rest but I had super distressing dreams about all my teeth falling out. Like I was just reaching into my mouth and pulling put handfuls of teeth and I woke up really upset. I pulled it together and talked to mom and dad and made the appointment to get the tooth capped. I’m still nervous about it but itll be fine.

I worked on my thesis for a few hours. The most productive thing I did today. I went and edited it and fixed all my sources. I had a lot of stuff messed up in but I think I got everything. I’m pretty pleased honestly. I still need to take pictures of the work but I’m done the writing I think? I’m meeting with Sam tomorrow to exchange papers.

I was thinking about going to my studio but I was just so tired and freezing. It was just so cold in here and it was getting colder outside. I was feeling pretty full of anxiety about being on time for the skating rehearsal. So I started reading and that helped. I left here and was right on time for skating.

I met the other adult and she was nice. I got to try on the costume! I didn’t care for the sequin color much but that’s okay its still really pretty and fits me nice. I’m excited.

I got on the ice and it was strange having so much space to myself. I practiced and warmed up and one of the little tiny girls fell down and was crying. And she skated over to me because I’m an adult and we talked and I calmed her down. I love working with kids I cant wait for summer camp so I can have more of that. The practice itself was fun. I am excited about the routine and it’s a lot of fun. We practiced for the 45 minutes and by the end we were pretty good with the music. I’m excited.

I was annoyed though because I just missed the bus. and the next one wasn’t for a half hour. But I didn’t want to pay $8 for a lyft. So I walked. Or at least I walked to the next stop that had an enclosure because it was rainsnowing. I just listened to my music and had my granola bar and waited.

I’m home now though. My ear is hurting and I wanted to wash my hair but I’ll wait til tomorrow. I hope you can all sleep easy tonight. Stay safe.