#I dont know whats happened to me im so listless. No wait im off my meds. just remembered

[doebt]

My blackout poem

[callsignfangs]

JSSJJSJA I LOVE UR WRITING 😭😭 I'M MUNCHING SO HARD ON IT

p.s im the anon who asked for that farah x g/n reader after a hard mission if that even matters but

-besides that, I have another request🤭🤭 if u have time ofc

g/n reader whos afraid of thunderstorms (from PTSD maybe) and there just so happens to be a thunderstorm tonight oh no but farah is there with them🤩

SORRY FOR THIS REALLY LONG REQUEST BUT UM HAVE A GOOD DAY OR NIGHT RAHH GO WILD

GIGGLINGNGN IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED ITT 😚😚

(I’d call you the Farah anon but atp my, like, whole page is Farah. Not that I’m complaining 😇)

And absolutely I will absolutely devour any reqs I get, esp Farah ones, I just love them smmsmm 😇

(AND DONT APOLOGISE FOR THE LENGTH LUVVIEE 💟💟 I LOVE GETTING REQS 🫂)

Also also sorry for the wait ive been focusing a little on art and personal life stuff that’s absolutely battering me rn 🧍‍♂️

Farah Karim x GN!Traumatised! Reader 😚

To say nights were hard was a bit of an understatement for you. Sleep didn’t come easy - not when it was majorly plagued with painful projections and stalking memories, haunting you throughout the night when they couldn’t tear at you through the day.

So, you being up at god-knows-when at night really wasn’t too alarming. You didn’t even mind it that much anymore, it was a bit like a routine. The exhaustion was annoying, and the daily naps were a pain, but it was easier than attempting to face sleep.

Usually. Usually, your waking mind was clearer and safer than your sleeping one. Not tonight.

Tonight? Tonight, the thunder rolling through the air practically sent shockwaves through your room, sending your mind reeling into that fogged, not-quite-here, am-i-there haze, making your chest ache and stomach knot painfully. You wished your mind would surrender you to sleep, even if it was just trading one hell for another.

It wasn’t long before you ended up at Farah’s door like a little lost puppy. It seemed pointless - your hand was heavy with the fear of being a burden and you couldn’t even remember how you’d gotten there. The throbbing weight in your chest seemed to ebb into the air, the thickness slipping from your lungs before you could really get a full breath in.

Farah opening the door almost into your face was actually blessed coincidence, the empty glass in her hand somehow assured your oblivious little mind of just how much of a problem you were to her.

She didn’t even need to see the tears verging on spilling over your cheeks to know.

“Oh, hon, come on, lovely. I can’t have you out here by yourself, can I?”

You only just brought yourself to nod, lower lip wobbling involuntarily. Hands slipped across your back before you could burst into tears, softly guiding your listless form into her room, what little awareness you had left trailing behind. The gentle click of the door shutting only just stood out from the blood rushing through your ears, trying to shield from the growling of the thunder outside.

“Are you.. Are you warm enough, قلبي?” Her words were so motherly it hurt.

“How about I get you something warm to drink, alright? I’ll make your favourite, promise. Then we can snuggle up here and have a movie marathon, or something. How does that sound, love?”

A cosy, toasty drink and snuggles with your favourite girl? It did sound nice.

Farah’s smile widened. You must’ve nodded, or something. You didn’t quite know.

“There. I’m glad you like that idea. Just hold up one second, right?”

And then she plodded off again. Her absence made you hurt primally, fear creeping across your chest and up your throat, latching onto you with an iron grip. No, no, she couldn’t leave, it wasn’t safe, how did you let her go all alone what if-

“Hey, حبيبي, hey, it’s okay. Come here, shh.”

She was back. It felt like some kind of emotional whiplash, your feelings being pulled apart and moulded back together again, moving too quickly for you to really react.

Gentle, familiar hands guided you to sit back down - when had you stood up? - and cradled your cheek in their careful hold. Something slipped up over your ears, and the world went quiet again. Almost disturbingly so, the lack of input, of reassurance to your senses, it was scary.

It was like Farah read your mind as she leaned back in to whisper right next to your ear, just loud enough for you to hear, “It’s alright, sweetheart. Come on, you’re alright. We’re safe right now, we just have to let this storm pass. Literally, for once.”

The relaxed humour brought a weak smile to your face. It didn’t quite reach your eyes, but that was alright. You needed time and reassurance, only one of those had you received a decent amount of.

Her bed creaked as she joined next to you, worn, homely springs groaning with effort. Your hands were enveloped in her touch once again, substantial warmth coating the back of your hand, branching out over your palm and peeking up your wrist.

Farah didn’t hesitate to ease you down against the headboard, tucking a hand down against the small of your back as she fumbled for something she’d placed on the bedside table.

“Do you want that drink, love? I made your favourite. Same way as usual, don’t worry.” The mug was held by your hand, supporting it as you took it in your shaking ones. Her lips puckered softly as she puffed over the hot liquid, a little plume of steam flowing up to your face, the warm flash dragging your mind back somewhat. You idly noticed the seeds of a headache taking root against your temple.

“Careful, غالي, it’s hot.” It took a few moments to drag your eyes up and take her in, but you got there in the end. “Oh, hello, sweetheart. Popped back in, have we?” The light bags tugging at her under eye were engulfed by the soft plush of her cheeks as she smiled. To say she looked relieved was a bit of an understatement. One of her hands slipped from the mug, ensuring it was stable before coming up to give your cheek a little squeeze, thumbing gently at your cheekbone.

At your slow nod, her smile widened even further, gratitude pouring into her gaze. The mug was, once again, eased from your grasp at your seeming disinterest. It was probably going cold, but she didn’t particularly care.

“How do you feel about taking a nap, lovely? Just you and me. We can put on a movie too, like a little cosy movie night - does that sound nice?”

“Yeah..” Your words were almost too shaky to be intelligible, but seeing Farah’s warm glow at the attempt made it worth it.

Hands roamed gently under your thighs, easing you down into her shockingly comfy covers - ‘commander’s privileges’ - and proceeding to tuck you in, fussing over you all the while. It was a win/win, really, she got to look after and fuss over you, and you got a little bit of well-deserved spoiling.

After you were sufficiently smothered, Farah pulled herself up off the bed, calling out a soft ‘one sec’ before jogging out of the room. It was quiet. That wasn’t that bad anymore, though. She’d be back, soon.

Your mind barely wandered in the time it took for her to swipe the laptop off of the coffee table and speed back. She knew better than to leave you alone with your thoughts right now, though your semi-calmness when she got back was reassuring.

“Here we are..” Farah murmured idly, clambering up next to you, placing the laptop on the bedside table by your head. You were softly eased onto your side and pulled to a firm, pillowy chest. One arm was laid out under your shoulder, simultaneously supporting you and reaching out to the laptop, opening up her downloads and mindlessly scrolling through her library of movies. Her other arm was laid over your side, kneading at your tummy before moving slowly up to your chest.

The next few minutes were spent with Farah idly chatting into your ear, bouncing movie ideas off of you as she internally preened at each and every response you gave. Together, you decided on a movie, and cuddled into each other’s safe warmth as the opening credits rolled.

By the halfway mark, you were fast asleep. By the end, Farah was too.

—

Sorry for the kinda rushed ending, I wanted to maybe take this a little further sometime, but it’s been ages and I wanted to give yous a little sumet to munch on /j

Pinky promise I’ll try to drag myself out of my sorta-hiatus 😚🫂

(Tags: @theartisticautisticc )

[iloknalem]

Ahh..

I think im finally losing it.

As my world unravels, my word untangles, everything turns into a non descript, listless, inelegant, unintelligible sack of soup. And here i am, trying to make sense of whats left, bracing up the rest, while faking to look like im doing my best.

•

You know, that moment, when we were waiting for that english final practical exams back then, the moment you said to me that you decided against going to that school, that school that you dreamed off to enroll to, that militaristic hell of a boarding school that i got myself into in the end, because i thought it would all be worth it as long as im with you,

that forsaken place,

I told myself.

"Everythings going to work out, and everythings gonna be alright"

Thats what i said to myself. I tried to tough it out, go through all off it. Optimistic. Waiting for the awaited to come.

3 years, and then i managed to secure my chances to go to germany. Counter-intuitive, but still I said to myself. "Its fine, everythings going to work out, as long as you work hard enough."

I blaze myself through language school, through supplementary school, and finally to uni.

There were a lot of hiccups along the way, but i always found reasons to go back on track. I even blasted myself through first semester. Always trying to be an even better version of myself.

"Nice, Dante. With this attitude everything is going to work out."

Eh? What was it again? Whats going to work out? What was it again that awaits me.

After my brief trip to jakarta a few moons back, i finally woke up. Reality called, they want my rose tinted glasses back.

Back then i realise, that our path would only be separated even further, in every conceivable way.

I hoped back then, that i could just, rectify, maybe a thing or two by going back. I just dont have the means, the reason, the way, nor the guts.

This, distance, its only natural, and that fact alone only makes me feel worse.

Hey, you know. Do you know that i excelled so much in 1st semester, that it has more progress than the last 3 semesters? Do you know how jacked up i was back then, and what a freaking bloated whale i am today?

Hey, would you ever know how broken i am right now?

Since after the trip, ive been saying to myself.

"Its going to be fine. You will find the way back to the track, just like before."

Ive tried, and god believe me ive tried. Its just, i dont know anymore. I dont know what im standing for. I dont know why i have to wake up tomorrow, knowing that it would make no positive change for my future. I dont know what will make any positove change for my future. I dont, know.

•

Just now i finally admitted to myself. Claiming my life back, this is not going to be as easy as before.

Now that everything's a lost cause, i might be able to say anything:

Hey, you know, i really miss you.

Just going to school every morning, knowing you'll be there, it gave me butterflies in my stomach. And thinking that we might do something together at class, be it playing some kind of game, or maybe just having a chat, what a feeling that was. And also, knowing you would also attend those repeat exams for Civic, as we both kinda sucked at it haha. Blissfully ignorant about the future, and just enjoy the small moments in our daily live. At least i did.

Just those seemingly insignificant moments, those were enough reason for me. And if that is what it meant to be alive, then thats all i need to know. I enjoyed them, every little bit of those moments.

For what it was, Im glad that everything happened. Im glad that you happened.

Hey, you, was i wrong to hope? Was i wrong to wish, to experience again, the same joy of just being close to you? Were these hopeful thinking are just some, really ugly fallacies?

•

All of this just sounds like a plea for help honestly, i feel sick reading it. Pathetic.

And if you somehow actually know that i still use this tumblr, and you actually still read all of these, please dont. This is not a place of honour. Its just a place for me to express myself, to a hypothetical you, for my wellbeing. Saying this to you or anyone would not amount to any good for any party.

And if you still do, please dont tell me that you knew, or maybe tell me, idk i might die of cringe.

Its just,

If only you knew how bad things really are.

[writsgrimmyblog]

Rec List #1 Theme: 2018 Favourites

One of my fandom resolutions is to rec more in 2019. I’m going to post rec lists for some of my favourite Nick fics divided up by theme/content/ship or whatever I fancy throughout the year. It seems fitting that my first rec post of 2019 should be my favourite Nick Fics of 2018. If you’re interested in my Harry Potter themed recs, you can find them over on my other blog @writcraft under the tag #writ recs where I’m undertaking the same initiative.

This is by no means an exhaustive list - I’m limiting myself to ten recs per list and it is very difficult, I could have recced many more. I’ve read and enjoyed a whole raft of terrific stories and this rec list is simply based on my personal tastes which may not be everybody else’s cuppa. Please heed the content warnings the author has flagged on AO3 in each case, none of my recs include the content tags.

#1. Ten Track Sophomore Album by @junkshop-disco​ 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 4,228

Nick has always lived in noise, been the cause of a lot of it, but one day a boy writes him into a pop song and the whole world dissolves into static.

It doesn’t happen like that, not that easy, not that linear, but that’s the heart of it, the soul, if these things have such a thing.

My Rec: The Nick fic of 2018 is undoubtedly the final installment of junkshop-disco’s incredible Doodle of a Surface Life but that has quite rightly garnered so many recs by now if any Gryles reader hasn’t yet indulged, run, quick, what are you waiting for? I love DOASL with all of my heart, but I’m also a sucker for angst and I wanted to highlight this equally terrific fic in my rec list. The structure of this story, in which Nick loses his ability to hear music, is so cleverly done. It’s a very skilled writer that can create an entire fic around sound and make it come alive, and junkshop-disco manages it brilliantly. The fic reads like music, even as it describes the absence of it and it’s a stunning piece of writing. If you like your Gryles contemplative and angsty with confident, lyrical prose, this is the one for you. Junkshop-disco has such a terrific way with words I highly recommend reading all the works by this author. Every single one. But when you do make sure you take a moment to stop by this beautiful story and leave it all the love it deserves.

#2. Tell Me It’s The Strongest Shape by @louandhazaf

Nick Grimshaw/Elgar Johnson/Louis Tomlinson | 73,224

Nick and Elgar have it all. They’re famous, successful, and engaged to be married—and sometimes they play with others.

When uni student Louis gets street cast by Elgar for a GQ photoshoot, he's drawn into Nick and Elgar’s complicated relationship.

They've always invited mates into their bed. It doesn’t ever mean anything. Until… it does.

My Rec: This is such a great exploration of polyamory and the complexities of open relationships, and the author took a great deal of time developing the relationships between the characters and really working on highlighting some of those difficulties. I tend to gravitate towards fanfic where I care deeply about the characters, and although Elgar seems terrific I don’t have the same fannish relationship to him as I do to Nick and Louis so I was curious to know how I would respond to this fic. Basically, the author killed it. I felt such a deep investment in Elgar, Nick and Louis throughout and everything just flew by as I was reading. It’s also really fucking hot. Like, REALLY. Brilliantly done. I loved it. 

#3. Let The Boys All Sing And The Boys All Shout For Tomorrow by @lunarrua​

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 18,429

It's February 1988. Thatcher is in power. There's a new drug sweeping through the clubbing scene. In Manchester, it's the eve of a major protest and a new musical movement. And when Nick finds Harry looking lost outside his favourite chip shop, it's the start of a weekend that will leave an indelible mark on both their lives.

My Rec: I saw the summary for this fic and actually yelled at my screen when it popped into my inbox. Gryles, set in Manchester in the 80s? Hell yes. The fic itself certainly didn’t disappoint, it’s absolutely beautiful. The author writes a well-researched, confident piece and the result is stunning. The atmosphere of the whole story is captivating and you can feel yourself transported to the heady days before the Manchester music scene shifted, the anxieties of the AIDS crisis and the fragility of the relationships formed during that period. The Harry of this fic has a transient quality which evokes the nostalgic reflection on a different time in our not so distant past. A real triumph. I loved this story with my whole heart. 

#4. Séjour by @silveredsound

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6,288

It is so quiet, which should be conducive to concentration, but Nick is bored and listless and lonely. He’s been there for two days and wants to know where the helpful lady is who’ll deliver him a gamine but takes-no-shit housekeeper who he can fall in love with without words. Words are not his friend.

“Where is my Love Actually moment?” he asks the ceramic kitchen sink as he pokes holes in the cover of one of the M&S ready meals he brought over with him.

«≠»

Nick’s got writer's block. Louis is a master of distraction.

My Rec: I’ve loved a number of stories by Silv this year and I was swinging back and forth between this and others, but there’s something about this little fic that has wormed its way into my heart and has taken hold so this is the one I’m choosing. As I said in my earlier reblog rec, this has such lush, evocative prose it perfectly captures the sense of a fleeting summer. There’s a seductive quietness to it, and a lovely unfolding of the story through snippets of tasting notes left by Louis on bottles of wine and Nick feeling a little bit lost and searching for words as he struggles with writer’s block. Two boys find one another in the warmth of a sleepy French town and it’s beautiful. Really wonderfully done.

#5. Fists & Flowers ‘Verse by @jiksax

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 1,613 (Make It Worse) and 2,322 (I’ll Do What You Like (If You Stay The Night)

He’s looking at Nick with that soft, terrible look in his eyes, the look that tells Nick the two of them are probably something.

My Rec: If anyone other than Jiksa had told me they were planning an angsty fisting fic series I would have been like umm really? But of course, it’s Jiksa, so naturally I found myself sobbing at the raw, devastating intensity of the story. Jiksa deftly weaves the intensity of the physical act itself into the emotional tumult of Harry and Nick’s relationship in a way that’s incredibly beautiful. A bold, brave, superb piece of hot, confident writing, rich with emotional complexity. Gorgeous.

#6. Constantly on the Cusp by @shiftylinguini

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 6169

It’s 5 in the morning, and Nick’s got an alarm going off, an unexpected bed full of pop star, and a nation to wake up.

It’s far too fucking early for this.

My Rec: UNFFFFF. I love Shifty’s writing. Like, an obsessive amount. I was so thrilled when Shifty started writing Tomlinshaw I didn’t know quite what to do with myself. It’s actually hard to believe this was Shifty’s first Tomlinshaw, because everything about the fic felt like they have been writing them for years. Louis is sleepy, horny and pissed off, Nick is awake, horny and wondering what it all means, and together they have this scorching hot, sexy moment. Nick’s internal monologue  gives us so much insight into their relationship and the fic offers a lovely, warm, hopeful moment at the end. Fantastically written and a sexy delight from start to finish. Loved it!

#7. this cookie’s baking by @disgruntledkittenface 

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles (Genderswap Femslash) | 8,148

Harry’s eyes flicker between Nick’s eyes and lips. “I just want to be your–”

“Baby,” Nick says softly, cupping Harry’s jaw, “you already are.”

Nick and Harry have a long-overdue conversation.

My Rec: This was the first genderswap Gryles fic I have read and I absolutely loved it. The relationship between Nick and Harry feels so perfectly them and there’s a lovely warmth to the whole story. It’s light and funny but also contains moments of real emotional depth and those first time explorations and the hesitancy of admitting to being something more than friends is handled in such a terrific way. It’s a gorgeous story with wonderful writing and I loved every minute of reading it.

#8. let’s make some new rules by @camiii 

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 12,743

A coffee shop, a Christmas party & a fake date to make sure no one gets laid at the end of the night.

My Rec: This was such an enjoyable read. I love camiii’s Tomlinshaw, and seeing this pop up was a wonderful surprise. Barista Louis agrees to be Nick’s fake boyfriend as he pines over an ex that definitely isn’t worth his time, and they become closer in the process. The pace of the story is wonderful, the flirting is brilliant and despite some misunderstandings and Nick’s no good ex trying to fuck things up, the ending is warm and hopeful. A lovely story, full of festive cheer. Thoroughly enjoyable.

#9. I’ll be seeing you by @daretomarvel​ / renlyne

Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles | 11,481

It’s 2028, and Nick’s bought a house.

My Rec: I love Ren’s writing and this Notebook inspired Gryles is a beautiful treat of a story, in which Nick starts buying little bits for his dream house. It’s hard to believe this story is just over 11,000 words because the world the author creates is so rich, detailed, layered and complex. The relationship between Nick and Harry has all of these gorgeous details and nuggets of history as it grows and develops, seedling-like, into something that might just be everything they’ve both been searching for. It’s a warm, hopeful, beautiful story but as it’s Ren, it manages to still tug at the heartstrings in the best kind of way. I read this again as I was putting my rec list together and did so with a lump in my throat, full of feels for the Nick and Harry of Ren’s universe. Gorgeous writing with bags of emotional intensity. I loved it.

#10. All I’ve ever had are love songs by @candybarrnerd / icarusinflight

Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson | 21,688

Things are finally coming together for Nick.

Nick is the DJ of his uni's radio stations, and he passively aggressively dedicates a song to Louis.

My Rec: Icarusinflight is another author who was already on my periphery from Harry Potter fandom who wrote their first Tomlinshaw fic this year and I was so thrilled to see them writing in this fandom and I’m very excited about their upcoming 2019 projects which also includes fics featuring the 1D boys in various ship combos. I love uni AUs and I hadn't read one for a while, so this was such a treat. I loved how Louis is sharp, sassy and confident but with niggling insecurities. Harry was so affectionately humorous in this story and Nick’s voice is wonderful. This is a really well-paced, enjoyable story with a hot af first kiss that deserves a mention all of its own. The music references, the tea and the cameos from various 1D members are all terrific and the writing is brilliant. Can’t wait for more from this author this year.

Bonus Rec: I was meant to limit this to just 10 recs but I also wanted to give a quick shout out to @nightwideopen. I’ve said this in previous rec lists before, but I am constantly impressed by the quality of @nightwideopen‘s writing and the way they explore things such as asexuality and gender dysphoria which can be harder to find in a relatively small fandom. I’d particularly rec so far (it’s alright) and i’ve been thinking lots about your mouth from this year, both Tomlinshaw.