#but I just Can't because now i suddenly hate my artstyle

[sunny-daysss]

Ugh, I feel like no matter what I do I’m just not Good At Anything™

[adidegmez]

x-men '97 spoilers

ep 1(To Me, My X-Men)

wow. i just finished x-men animated series. last eps were different than the other seasons. im glad they made this Show story wasnt ober yet. this new start is so good. artstyle is amazing. The visual effects were so cool. everything is great. it was fun. cyclops is struggling. There's a lot of pressure on him. and he is leaving x-men with Jean. Jean is pregnant. Charles really left everything to magnus?! and why is bishop still there i get that timeline is not right but they are not doing a certain thing to fix it. and im glad morph is back. and rogue and gambit i love them. logan and morph's friendship is nice.

ep 2(Mutant Liberation Begins)

Why did they suddenly start calling Magnus Erik? Okay, Erik is also his name i know, but they used to call him Magnus. Erik is an honorable man. I want to believe and trust him. I hope he doesn't have any evil plans. We'll see what happened between rogue and magneto. storm lost her Powers while trying to save magneto. magneto tried. he really did. humans suck(most of the times-in most of the universes). they dont deserve them. dr. rogue and baby is here. scott is being nice to magneto. its good for now. but not for long probably. ororo left. gambit's heart is broken. and 2 jean's?! I cried in the last two minutes of the episode more than I ever cried in the first 5 seasons. It was more painful. it happened in a much more perfect way. it was beautiful. I guess this is what happens when an animated series is made for adults. i really love it.

ep 3(Fire Made Flesh)

Why is Roberto in the mansion? Is he there to hang out with jubilee or is he staying there now? Since when is jean a clone? goblit queen is so powerfull. baby is gone. Madelyne is one but i think we'll see her again someday. hi, forge. i hope this is really forge and he can help storm.

ep 4(Motendo/Lifedeath - Part 1)

I want to see more gambit and rogue. and I want to see nightcrawler. not mojo again🤦🏻‍♀. jubilee's powers are cool. storm:(. i hope she can get her Powers back. i love forge. he did something bad but he wants to redeem himself. i hope he can.

ep 5(Remember It)

this Show makes me so happy. kurt is here. genosha is beautiful. mutants live in peace. madelyn is here. and i got gambit rogue and kurt:). I can't feel nostalgic. I just finished the x-men animeted series yesterday but this is so perfect. its just perfection. i love them so much. this Show pays tribute to what the other has done and takes it even further. I can only ask for more episodes, there is nothing else I can ask for(except maybe more gambit and rogue). scott is right. If the x-men were like humans, I think they would start thinking like the old Magneto. The x-men did not think about themselves, they always prioritized others. but in the end they were always hated. I don't understand how they can still do this. How do they hold on, how do they compromise themselves for those who still hate them? Mutants(not the bad ones) deserve great things, but all they get from the world they're trying to save is hatred. and scott is losing his fate in charles vision. he lost his son. his wife was a clone. There's a lot going on for Scott right now. but I hope he can get over this as soon as possible. jean kissed logan! she is confused to she has to remember so that she can be with scott again. and then maybe jean and scott could help eachother get better. i like seeing scott's eyes. scott is right i am not sure jean loves scott anymore. she remembers she loved him but i dont think she feel that way anymore. scott loves madelyn because she was jean and part of her is still jean. idk everything is complicated. it is painful to watch. i just want them all of them to be happy. but there's so much going on right now. I wanted gambit and rogue to be together. They were so beautiful together. But Magneto may be right, I can't be angry with him. But I just wish Rogue and Gambit could be more than friends. too many people are heartbroken rogue, gambit, jean, scott, (me). Did I just see Watcher? after gambit and rogue's talk. i think i did. i wish things were simple. cable is nathan. Why was he there and why did he leave? erik is gone. gambit is dead. they saved rogue. so many mutant died. leech trusted magneto. magneto gave hope to mutants and everything was great, i had hope things were getting better. mutants on genosha were happy. magneto he tried. he tried to save them. he tried to be like Charles. but World just wont let them be this good. he really tried. Would I be too delusional if I hoped that Remy and Erik would return? I need them both back. i cant feel you, this tells everything(reminds me of wanda). I knew it the moment I saw rogue touching gambit. I wish things could have happened differently. i knew I haven't cried this much while reading or watching a story in a long time. This episode really broke me. I'm not in a good mood. The world doesn't deserve X-Men. they never deserved the x-men and will never deserve them. Whatever the x-men do now, they will almost always be right.

ep 6(Lifedeath - Part 2)

lilandra and Charles are good together im happy for them. but i wouldnt mind if they come to earth and save x-men. storm and forge they are cute. but it probably wont last long, i wish it could last. i hope Charles can learn about what erik did. professor xavier, that was smart. yes, storm got her Powers back. Charles is Charles. i love him. his ideals are amazing but they are just ideas. to make them real they suffer they try and they fail over and over again. im glad hes returning to earth but it is too late. and things in spece wont be good when he left. and sinister! sinister killed all those mutants adn remy and erik. i hope he will have a painfull and an awful ending to his story.

ep 7(Bright Eyes)

not a funeral, please he has to come back. hi cap. normally i would say it is nice to see you but right now you're just reminding me how ridiculous mutant hatred is. Yes, there are people who hate superheroes too, but mutant hatred is on another level. And this is ridiculous. rogue is right to be mad. Humans expect mutants to compromise themselves in order to live with them, and they require this. Because humans are afraid of mutants, mutants have to hide their powers and not use them so that people do not feel threatened. Why do mutants follow their rules? because they are good. The "bad ones" don't suppress their power just because people want them to. But when it comes to humans, mutants who live their own nature as they wish are evil. i love kurt and rogues relationship. it feels good to see the X-Men being together and helping each other through all this bad stuff. oppenheimer… now i am become death the destroyers of worlds. trask destroyed all those mutants lifes. i cant say he didnt deserved death but rogue, she let him die. this is not who x-men is, at least WHO they were. she is angry she is grieving she is not in her right mind right now. if she was herself she wouldnt have let him die. i saw the sign for Strak Industries. I wish we could see Tony. In which universe, in which timeline are we right now? Is Tony dead here too? magneto is alive. bastion? i dont know anything about him i guess ill see. scott learned about cable.

ep 8(Tolerance Is Extinction - Part 1)

is madelyne dead? i thought she just get hurt not dead. kurt with swords, I've been waiting for this. Everything is in a very bad state right now, but this visuality and the fights are beautiful. Jean being a mother to cable(seatbelt:) ). wolverine's fight in the skys. yes! summers family. it was so cool. hi peter. but really magneto was right. Charles was just being naive. humans are the wortst. i wish humans and mutants could live together in peace but humans wont let them. mutants deserve better. Charles is back. It wasn't Magneto who started the war. humans wanted this war from the beginning. Mutants and X-Men have been patient, but now it's too much, how much longer should they be patient? It would be really nice if there was peace, but as long as people have this hatred, it seems impossible to make peace. Bastion ignited the war, but whether he started or not, the war would still happen one day. I hope the mutants can win. magneto can win. I think Charles is late. Before the war, they could have tried to implement Charles' ideals, but it was too late. The war has begun and mutants need a leader in the war and that leader must be Magneto.

ep 9(Tolerance Is Extinction - Part 2)

Why is everyone mad at Magneto? I understand humans being angry, it's usual hatred, but why are the x-men so angry? Okay, the order of the world has been disrupted, life has become difficult, the end of the world may even be near, but Magneto saved the mutants. If he had not done this, the mutants would probably have died. I've never been one for villains, I've rarely agreed with them. and this is one of those rare moments. magneto is right. I don't think he is the villain in this story bastion and humans are the bad guys. im glad rogue went with him. charles' ideals are nice to think but its impossible right now. we need magneto. black lether, I completely forgot this scene was coming. x-men are noble they are still trying to do the right thing(according to them). I'm still amazed at how they can endure so much and still try to do good. morph smash:) I wish mutants didn't fight each other. but really i wanted to say shut up to Charles when magneto did. things are bad, really bad. When I started watching '97', I thought I would watch something fun and light. I never thought it would be this dark. Logan should have at least thought once before attacking Magneto with his metal skeleton. He probably won't die, but I think this is an indication that Magneto didn't want to hurt them before. If he wanted to, he would have done this years ago, but he prioritized mutants and didn't want to harm mutants. Now he had to harm the X-Men to save many other mutants. scott confused me, yes the others needed time but why did this happen? Is Jean dead? forge and storm will surive too right?

ep 10(Tolerance Is Extinction - Part 3)

ironman! I wasn't surprised when I saw Ironman with Captain America, but Daredevil caught me off guard. Daredevil is one of my favorite Marvel characters. Is Doctor Strange in surgery?! wakanda! cloak and dagger! this cameos are amazing i hope we can see things like that in live action. I hope mister sinister is gone for good. t'chaka is black panther. Charles destroyed magnus. i hope he can bring him back. bastion is right, humanity would rather die than have kids like mutants. and that why i dont like them. mr. fantastic(morph but still its nice to see him)! humans say we did it. But all they do is bring about the end of the world over and over again. x-men saved the world, magneto saved, mutants saved the world. humans only made it a worse place. wanda and quicksilver off World? where are they? bishop. yes save the x-men. i need season 2 immediatly. x-men scattered through time. They found Nathan. en sabah nur(Apocalypse!!!). At least the series didn't end in a bad place. They defeated Bastion and Sinister. They fell apart, but they're not in a bad situation right now. When is gambit coming back? he has to come back.

this Show is amazing. Characters from MCU and X-Men are in the same universe together. It was very beautiful. I hope we can see more. I can watch so many seasons this way.

[hsr-texts]

About the ship that should not be name (lol)

I get you!! I am usually Natural about shipping so most of them i just admire the artist artstyle and if I see ships that I dislike I usually scroll past or mute/block that ship names. But HOLY SHITTTTT the pairing that should not be named for some reason every time I see something mentioning that pairing I just can't help but roll my eyes 🥴🥴. Not to mention there is one Give Away account on twitter that sends hate to someone after she said she can't see the 4ggravate team (Kaveh, Al-Haitham,Cyno,Tighnari) in romantic light after reading Kaveh's hangout and kinda see them as found Family/siblings. The thing is she censored Kaveh's name so the post didn't go public but the GA account didn't even cover her name and accusing her as homophobic because they are clearly " gay coding" and all.

I think because im not into shipping is either because im a huge self inserter(?) Or pairing that i need to like is really really specific (lmao) maybe like Dehya x Candace or Cyno x Al-Haitham. Yelan x Ningguang is actually kinda nice.

DAMN now that's some drama and definitely real terrible

though this reminds me of how a friend invited me to a server and I made a small joke about how "Cytham is the right ship because they're both on the right side" and then the members started attacking me out of nowhere and hurling insults at me.

Apparently the server was a cyn0n@ri server and that "no one likes my stupid ship" and that i'm ""insane"". Fortunately the mods were nice enough to tell off those people but man... Let's just say I was bitter for a while.

I asked the mod whether the server actually was a cyn0n@ri server and they said yes but I questioned them further because absolutely nowhere did I see any indicators of the server being for that ship only because there weren't even like images or rules that were like "hey this is a cyn0n@ri server so please keep things on topic"

the mod was like "it's in the link name" then i was like "er, but that's not something easily seen though because i didn't even read the link name bc my friend invited me and they said they weren't aware this was a ship server either. does this mean no other ships are allowed?"

the mod suddenly backpedaled like "oh actually its for any ship"

the worst part is that i literally asked what type of server this was and all they told me was "oh yk this is just a regular hangout server haha" like they didn't tell me it was a cyn0n@ri server but somehow expected me to just telepathically know it???

i left soon after because that server did not appeal to me and i wasn't keen on getting along with people who sorta harassed me over A SILLY JOKE like geez for a bunch of people who like a ship that has a jokester in it they can't seem to take one

it's been like a few months since that happened but i still hold a grudge

ugh this is why i mostly only like rarepairs bc at least there's less chances for me to run into people like this

[depollutingshosz]

why is sharing my art on social media such a big deal for me?

just some rambles not anything fandom related!

Let me just get my reflections noted down so I can understand myself for a bit here. I'm easily distracted and my mind just feels very buzzed all the time, so I can't exactly pinpoint why I'm so nervous when I'm finally taking the step to publicize my fanarts. This will be awkward. I'm not so good with words anymore.

The thing is, I've always just observed fanarts. Artists who post on social media. I just started art back in 2020 and I've always been hyperaware of the level that my art is. I've jumped from artstyle to artstyle, never truly memorizing or building a proper process when creating. So whenever I'm infront of the canvas, I blank out for the whole time and when I finish, I don't remember what I did to make it look like that. I don't have consistency. All I know is that I was in the zone. And I never seemed to remember anything when I'm in the zone tm. I've always looked at my art and estimated how it would do in social spaces. A bad thing, really, and self destructive, I know. But you can't just tell your brain to stop, can you? Yeah I never got around to training my brain to stop that awful automatic response. Thinking about posting my art and how well it will be received by fandoms, or people in general, ruins my motivation. It's a domino effect, once I start thinking about numbers, I go down the rabbit hole of oh so awful social media predictions. Why do numbers even matter? Why would a set of data ruin my day, dictate my mood, and make me reevaluate my worth as an artist? What a confusing set of neurons my brain has. I know how much algorithms hate me.

Hence, why I'm so nervous when I've finally taken a step to make proper art accounts. It isn't such a big deal, isn't it? It's so easy to make accounts. What's the problem? Well. The thing is, now that I have the knowledge that I already have accounts that I can just. Post my arts on. I get all jittery and I feel this awful sensation of anxiety and suddenly the colors are all wrong suddenly the head is too big suddenly I need to refine the clothes suddenly the hand is too unhand-ish. I suppose sometimes it does help me correct some parts of my drawings? But getting obsessive is the risk.

Also. I dislike but want attention. I'm basically holding up a sign saying "ME. I NEED ATTENTION, GIVE ME ATTENTION!" but I'm hiding in the corner so only a few people can see me. But I want to share my art?? To have other people in on my little brainrots and headcanons and my amusing little creations. I want to be something to contribute to a thought in other people's brains about a fandom they're in? I suppose by this point of my reflection, I realize that I have a desire to create and share my creations even if it's a small fleeting thought in your head.

Though, I'm not so nervous posting my things here. It's a safe space, i guess. And once I post here, I'm sure I won't have the energy to make any changes to my content. So a tactic I can use to fight my own dumb dumb brain is to. Post in my little world. And the other vast, scary, (often toxic) spaces wouldn't matter as much.

As a final note, I haven't posted art here (who even am I and what fandom am I even in HAHA) because I keep finalizing my watermarks. What with ai and art theft all around, I at least want to practice caution. Do you realize I'm just making excuses?

[marieanneline]

wait wait hold up i am actually seething about the reveal

ya boi's not a dabi stan. at all. the only reason i'm remotely interested in his character is if he's actually related to shouto and how that would affect hero society in general. i remember reading the training camp arc, seeing him being one of the villains there, him saying todoroki's full name, and thinking "SIBLINGS?????" because agshdfjlk their EYES are SO SIMILAR!! i really want to give credit to horikoshi being able to portray their similarities from artstyle alone because that's talent.

(it's more apparent in the anime since you see the eye color— but appearance-wise, shouto takes after rei and dabi takes after enji the most, so this definitely isn't the best photo to prove my point...)

anyways,,,, dabi's ideals of heroics fall in line with stain's ideals and so we all already theorized how if he was the long lost big brother touya, it would be because of the fact that his father really wasn't a hero. this makes sense. and so, we're all fucking right. props to us, really, and props to horikoshi for all the foreshadowing because i had fun :)) in terms of story and plot, i think this reveal is fantastic.

alright, on to why dabi is a dick

(i'm assuming this was his choice and no one pressured him after all)

the todoroki family is on the road to recovery!!

- shouto finally visits his mother back in season 2 and visits her every chance he gets. you see the effort he makes and it's nice to see him change from season 1 to 2 (early-roki!!)

(guys he even sends her letters- look at that sparkle by his face!! he's sweet :)) and rei's smile!!!!)

- enji (whether we wanted it or not, i don't mind much personally) is trying to atone for everything he's done to his family

- natsuo, who originally wasn't fond of shouto because he had their father's attention (although he does come to the horrible realization that shouto was one of the most unfortunate) and mother's attention (because she wanted to protect shouto), has a closer relationship with his little brother now (can you believe he didn't even know shouto's favorite food was cold soba until ch. 192?? i was sobbing). he really regrets the prejudice he had against shouto and he's trying to be an actual brother to him now.

- rei's almost recovered enough to be released from the hospital!!

- fuyumi and her idyllic "happy family"– wHICH, BY THE WAY, ALMOST CAME TO FRUITION. their mother coming home, shouto connecting with his siblings, and enji being not-the-way-he-was-before is the best outcome they could have hoped for. and it was happening.

and i realize that all of that setup is for this very moment

this? this. this. this is being broadcasted. to everyone. that means the citizens know that their new #1 hero is directly related to a member of a really bad villain organization (i almost called it a terrorist group oop-).

by ruining endeavor, the citizens faith in heroes will collapse. this also affects shouto's reputation as an upcoming hero, and i am so terrified of what this could mean for him. imagine your career ending before it even started, just when you found your passion for being a hero again. all that progress he's made for himself since starting UA could be seen as pointless to him and i would hate for him to retrogress like that because it's not his fault. i would absolutely hate it if the media starts bashing shouto for being related to a villain, when he was also a victim of abuse.

seeing this look on shouto's face is making me dehydrated istg i'm fucking SOBBING— he doesn't even look angry!! in the last few chapters he was angry and worried for his friends, teachers, father maybe, other heroes... but he just looks sad. and the fact that the panel chooses to show the left side of his face is.... there's so much to unpack.

but yeah, this is being broadcasted. does fuyumi know? the cameo she had showed her working so maybe not. natsuo's cameo showed that he was at a lecture, so he also probably didn't see.

but rei did. that's like- that's the person i would want to keep this from the most.

the effects of this entire reveal genuinely scare me. how will this affect rei's mental state? she'll realize that what enji did is actually so much worse. their first child being a villain?? i'm terrified for how she'll react, she's doing much better in recent chapters after all. her kids are visiting her, shouto sends her letters to keep in touch, and enji sends her flowers and respectfully keeps his distance. i really don't want this reveal to result in a relapse. and if she does relapse, then fuyumi's ideal of a happy family is once again out of arms reach. the future of their mother finally coming back home is so far away again and it's genuinely so heart-breaking.

:(

plus— how will fuyumi's little elementary school students react to her being related to a villain? will the school fire her because of her connection to a villain and how that might cause concerns for students and parents????

it's also hard to say exactly how this will affect shouto and natsuo. natsuo was the closest to touya when they were kids so what would his whole opinion be of what touya's become? will he have a moral crisis?

in terms of moral crisises, i guess i'm more concerned about shouto. the boy knows he wants to forgive his father, but this is just making it so much harder. and after this, will he still want to? and finding out that his own sibling is a villain... remember the stain arc? there were some parallels between midoriya's, iida's, and todoroki's positions in the last chapter and i'm worried about what that could foreshadow. from that arc alone, we know that shouto doesn't agree with stain's views at all [i forgot what he said but it was really compelling]. we know that dabi's a stain follower though, so will this disrupt shouto's sense of justice? i hope not.

but family has always been kind of a weak spot for shouto, hasn't it? i hope this doesn't affect his resolve to be a hero because i do think that there's a way to– somehow– not have a corrupt hero society and i want him to fight for that.

touya being a villain is perfectly valid though, i don't doubt that. it's just disheartening to address that while every other todoroki was working hard to become a normal family, here's their oldest brother, who's not really dead. what's going to become of that altar at their house now?

learning the extent to touya's hatred towards endeavor is truly terrifying. we know enji is or was a horrible person and his redemption arc is based on the very fact that he can't be forgiven, despite some of his family trying their best to do so or at least get over it. but the fact that touya has even thought about killing shouto? that's just. ouch. touya's definitely gone through too much abuse, and all of the todoroki family problems are because of enji's bad parenting. but this does not justify murder and especially that of his younger brother, who also got the brunt of the abuse.

needless to say, i am a fool. i don't know if anything i just said will ever be true, but the important thing to take from whatever the heck i just shat out is that all of this is/could be a result of this reveal. it's the fact that dabi seems to have no sympathy. it's the fact that he doesn't care if his blood related family crashes and burns. really, if this is solely about endeavor and what he did, there's no need to bring the rest of the family into this. rei was sent to a hospital for god's sake. shouto has a scar. it's excessive and unmoral and although questionable ethics and values are key traits of a villain, it doesn't justify how much he's hurting the todorokis.

(look at this shit eating grin he has. no remorse. he really doesn't give a shit about the others but I DO and I'M so SAD)

and assuming that the whole "endeavor's wife admitted into hospital" was swept under the rug in terms of media, will that suddenly come back to light? because it shouldn't. maybe it should be known that she's in the hospital because of marital abuse but either way rei should not be dragged back into this disaster, and neither should the rest of them. there's also a chance that the media will accuse rei of having abused her kids too, which is messed up for different reasons. they're trying so hard to have any semblance of a normal family, and if dabi's way of revealing this to the world ruins that in any way then i hATE THIS REVEAL ASDFGHJKL—

[proship-blissbliss]

So.. I watched Cats 2019 for the first time today and I wanted to share my feelings. I suck at rating anything objectively though, so I will tell you how I feel, keep that in mind.

First about the character/costume design. I feel like they missed the point of the original version - what was the most important then was how the characters look and move.

But. Contrary to the popular opinion, I can't say that I hate it. They could have done it so much better but I got used to it, it's kinda like when you watch anime with awful artstyle because the story interested you. And at least they didn't destroy the graceful movement of the actors.

Now onto the characters themselves. What I hate about the movie the most is what they did to these characters: Jennyanydots, Bustopher Jones and Rum Tum Tuggers. They disgust me in one way or another and I just can't take it, especially since I like them in the 1998 version.

Leaving the fact that I wish the characters looked like in the original, I have more small thoughts. About Old Deuteronomy: the gender change was really surprising. At first it seemed really random to me, but after watching the whole thing, Old Deuteronomy being female fits the movie better (I still like 1998 Old Deuteronomy more though).

About Victoria: I really like her in the original film, so I'm glad that they made her the main character. I like her (expect the fact that she actually enjoyed doing bad things Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, this doesn't seem to fit her).

About Gus: he seems really different from his 1998 version but it's not like I hate him. I can't say that I like him though

About Skimbleshanks: WHY DIDN'T THEY GIVE HIM THE WAISTCOAT??? IT FITS HIM SO MUCH! I also dislike the mustache and the tap dancing or whatever, but that's because I don't like these things irl and Skimble is one of my favourite characters.

About Mistoffelees: I love him so much. Even more than the original version. He is so adorable.

Also why is Bombalurina suddenly evil?

Now about ships. I'm not sure why they changed Tuggoffelees for Mistoffelees x Munkustrap, but I like it more this way. But my favourite ships are Victoria x Munkustrap and Victoria x Mistoffelees. Both of these ships are really cute for me <3

I didn't pay much attention to the plot, but I think it wasn't that bad.

My only thought about the soundtrack I remember is that I hate this version of "Memory".

That's all, I think.

[juniaships]

My issues//ok to rb&comment

I don't like venting. But I have to do this because I'm through being angry every single second of my life. In the past i have been scrutinised a lot through my childhood and teenage years. It got to a point where I no longer have the motivation to do anything worthwhile. I'm a failure so what else can i be? I hate being a failure but failing seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Nobody else seemed to fail like I had. I resented a lot of people who I see have more than me, or are talented, or are goodlooking or a combo of both. That resentment i held turned into a full blown rage to the point i get literal headaches thinking about it. In turn I become an extremely judgemental person myself. The negative attitude rubs off in the way i work, live, talk to people. It even affects how I consume media, I judged so many writers and creators harshly because of an artstyle i don't like or a storyline I hate. But several months ago one artist who i judged a lot passed away suddenly. The news shocked me. That's when i knew: i know nothing about this man and what he was going through. All he did was doing what he loved and his job, and i picked it apart for no reason other than being disappointed over a cartoon he worked on and was already harassed for.

Last week I went on a tirade because i was mad that my parents criticized the clothes i wear. It reminded me of how i was treated back then, where i couldn't wear what i wanted even something innocuous without getting picked apart. So i lashed out and said hurtful things not to them but to strangers online. It didn't make me feel any better. So i took a break to calm myself down. Later that week my mom lectured me about mastering my emotions. I shrugged her off. I was fed up with her lecturing me. But the thought nagged me all day. And i swallow my pride to say she is right. I have no control over my emotions. I get obnoxiously angry for the pettiest of slights. I suppress my rage when i get criticized at work bc i sure as hell dont want to be fired. Deep down i feel very lonely and insecure. My art doesn't do as good as I hoped, I have no hobbies or a social circle. And every day where im reminded of what I should have had but don't I get all the more low. But it's better to deal with the anger than with low self esteem. I don't lie I blame God for a lot of my problems but.. It's all me. I'm the one who chose to flunk out of school. I'm the one who chose to lash out at people who did nothing to me. I'm continuing holding my anger instead of digging deeper into the other emotions hidden inside. I have so much sadness but not a Benz to cry in. I weaponize anger so I wouldnt have to confront such painful feelings. Because so many people overlooked my good qualities and focused solely on my flaws I began to believe o wasn't a good person at all and became aggressive and confrontational. But i can't do that I can't hurt others just because I'm hurt.

I understand now if I want to live a better life I have to stop holding on to rage. I have to stop being lazy and relying on bitterness. I have to learn to open myself up to others and learn to love myself with the flaws and negativity and i have plenty of both. I need to live compassionately and healing the sad inside. I dream of experiencing life. I dream of having light and love and laughter and honesty, away from darkness and pain.

I dunno if anyone feels the same. It's not my place to say. But I can't keep dreaming if i don't put in the effort to make that dream happen.