#but I loved how much of this season had the sibs sitting in rooms together and just talking

[buildoblivionthenwewilltalk]

okay but the best thing about s3 is that the writers really understand that you can just plonk these 7 ish idiots into a room together and something interesting will always happen like sometimes it’s not about plot and fight scenes and emmy winning drama sometimes it’s about karaoke and balls of twine and sitting in the garden as a party winds down alright?

[georgiapeach30513]

LOVE LUCY AND STORY TOGETHER!!!!! now now… can we please see baby lucifer terrorising the twins to complete the saga of lucy bullying her sibs 😈😈😈

Lucy was quite young when the twins still lived at home. Keep in mind there's a fourteen year difference. So their senior year she was only three. Still enough to torture them. In her way.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

Be Nice to Your Sister

Summary: Lucy is a deviant

Pairings: Aster Drysdale X Lucy Drysdale, Iris Drysdale X Lucy Drysdale

Rating: 3 Lucy's

Warnings: Baby Lucifer/Little Lucifer/Morningstar, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 650

Desperate Lives AU Masterlist

Lucy Drysdale Masterlist

Lucy creeps around the house all the time. A girl that little, you would think couldn't move around so sneakily, but she does. And Lucy's favorite thing? Terrorizing her siblings. Ransom says it's the age gap, and she feels left out. You know she gets a thrill out of it though. Particularly with Aster and Story.

On this day, her eyes were set on Aster. The girl who was so against boys for so long, has a different boyfriend every month. The current one, Chase Collins and her had snuck into the theater room to "watch" a movie. Lucy's little body crawls into the theater room, and sees the two of them, in a very compromising position.

Leaving the room quickly she sets out on finding her daddy. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! DADDY!" her voice screaming throughout the estate, getting frustrated enough to scream a "RANSOM!"

"Don't you dare call me that," he says looking down at her, before he picks her up.

"Can we watch a movie?"

"Daddy's a little busy, baby Lucifer," she pouts at him. "I'm sorry, Lucy."

"Not that. I wanna watch a movie. Maybe...one show? Just one tiny little show?" Ransom looks back into his office, and then back at his fifth. "Just half a show. In the movie room."

"Fine. Let's go watch your little show," the closer they get he starts to hear the sound from the movie. "Looks like someone beat you, baby."

"They can leave."

Ransom is now curious as to who it is. Story is at dance. Blade at computer club, Iris is at tennis, and Aster is supposed to be at volleyball...that's not in season. "Quiet baby Lucifer," he slings that door open quickly and Aster and Chase sit up in shock. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Daddy...um...this is Chase," Aster's eyes look at Chase, and down to her school shirt that is undone, and both hers and Chase's ties off.

"Hi," he holds up his hand awkwardly, and gathers his things. "I should..."

"No. I'll take you home."

"I drove."

His eyes narrow at him. "Out," Chase runs past him, starting to say something to Aster, "Nope. Out," before he fully leaves. "Thankfully you're baby sister wanted to watch a movie. Aster, what are you doing? Under my roof," Lucy does a quick little shoulder shimmy when Aster finally figures out how Ransom knew where she was.

"Why, you little..."

"Aster! We're not doing that here."

"She..."

"Volleyball isn't even in season," her eyes turn to the floor. "That kid looks like a douche bag. Why do you want to be with a douche bag?"

"Maybe because Ransom Drysdale scares everyone off? I'm sorry, I'll be your perfect little angel forever and ever. I won't ever get married or have a date."

"That's not too much to ask for is it?"

_____________________________________________________________

There are very few people that Lucy just absolutely loves. Like truly adores them, and is sweet to them. One of those people is James Rogers. The problem is, when she's around James, she demands all his attention, leaving Iris with NOTHING. "Jamey!" she screams as soon as she sees him walk through the door. Her little legs racings towards him.

"Hey little bit."

"Mom! Lucy is bothering us again," Iris screams for you.

"Stop, she's perfect," James chastises her. Iris' mouth goes slack as she stares at him.

"Yeah, I'm perfect."

Aster smiles walking past "Baby Lucifer strikes again. Wait until she catches the fact that you and James kiss."

"You kiss her Jamey?" those honey eyes stare at James, and he's unsure what to say. "You wouldn't kiss her."

"MOM!"

"Ris, she's fine."

"Yeah, Icy, I'm fine," she gives Iris a an evil grin, "Jamey, can we watch a movie?" smiling even bigger when Iris mouths to her she's going to kill her. "Daddy, Icy is being mean."

"Iris, quit being mean to your baby sister."

Masterlist

[cloveroctobers]

(A/n: this might be a little biased since I’m in love with this man & I’m basing the relationship parts of this on my mc/myself so hope y’all don’t mind 😬)

IG info/bio: @/lucas.koh | 93.1k followers | for business inquires please visit: kohptr.com

LUCAS KOH —

27 (28) years old

From Oxford, England

Father is Korean & a car salesman at a Nissan dealership, he’s a strict/serious man who has high morals but beyond that he can actually be a softie in rare moments (+ that’s who Lucas gets his height from 🤤)

Mother is actually Chinese but lived in Korea studying abroad and eventually became a successful chiropractor (s/o to doctor mondragon on YouTube who I watch to help me sleep some nights and wish I could see! Lol) with her own practice. She’s a firecracker, intelligent, and quick to say what’s on her mind and doesn’t care if you like what she’s got to say. Most patients like that about her, she’s honest and her family is used to her ways but in the same way it’s more loving than offensive? (Smol woman but will remind you when she’s cracking your body she’s got enough power in her)

Either he’s a only child or he comes from a family of all boys with two younger brothers (they’re all in their 20’s) or he has one younger brother and one younger sister idk you decide

I’m feeling like he’s a Sagittarius? Carefree in the terms of he wasn’t viewing finally getting with MC when she’s dating someone else as cheating. Mans was READY to risk it all for me okay and I was down for it but ofc I had to react realistically and NOT “cheat.” *sigh* one part of me was debating ‘are we really dating tho bobby? We’re on reality tv. We’re not gonna die without each other if we hang out in seperate rooms’ *cough* Nope. but I’m a woman about her loyalty

He’s definitely adventurous. I don’t see him as the type to want to stay home all the time even tho his work definitely keeps him busy/exhausted. He’s down for road trips 💯

Occupation? Physicotherapist. His mother inspired him to get into the field and watching sports + the way players got their injuries always intrigued him? So to provide the best plan to have someone heal was something he loved to do plus being hands on while teaching/helping was a passion for him + I feel like he would also use a massaging technique instead of the usual exercise part of it

Now as someone who suffered a ACL & Mensicus tear & is STILL dealing with this BS pain years later, I would be so thankful to have him around! I feel like he’d have a optimistic attitude towards his patients and that’s what people need not someone that’s insensitive (like my surgeon/PT’s I had)

He models from time to time, when he was first approached about it he was upfront about not wanting to do it. It was much different than getting your picture taken for the office. That’s usually quick, the whole modeling process felt longer but somehow he was talked into it by his brother who’s a photographer and his mother. “Do you think you’re ugly? ‘Cause I’m not and you’re a part of me, so therefore there’s no such thing. Just look at your cheekbones, your jawline! I gave you those. The only good thing your father gave you was height.” Which filled the house with snickers while Lucas’ father just rolled his eyes and continued reading his newspaper for breakfast

Has a motorcycle and some luxurious car—not a Tesla those are basic now 🤷🏽‍♀️

Loves his motorcycle so much he’s got a tat of it on his right bicep

He has two available parking spaces in his parking garage at his penthouse but keeps his bike away in a storage unit due to a neighbor scratching it after his girlfriend broke up with him? Saying she was off to date Lucas? But that wasn’t true at all. He barely knew the girl, they didn’t live on the same floor. People were crazy but if you push him his temper might come out

Owns a leather jacket that he paid a lot for

Believes in “treat yo self” if it means in quality when shopping and has no issue being a big spender but he knows how to manage it well (his father told him all about how his own father dealt with bankruptcy)

Since he’s often at the office the whole day, he’s usually a night owl. He loves night drives and night dining. That’s usually when he finds the best places to eat

There’s this one pho spot that he loves and it’s his go to spot when he wants something quick on the way home

Cannot sleep with his entire body covered in covers, either his arms/shoulders have to be out or his legs, which would be a issue for me/mc since I sleep with the covers over my entire body...yes even in hot weather with the AC cranked up😂

He also makes great kimchi fried rice & loves Italian food

Will wine and dine. I believe it. I envision it! He loves going out on dates with his significant other (If he’s single and not with me, I think he’d try out speed dating)

Will dress to impress, will buy you a new fit he wants to see you/us/mc in especially if it’s your anniversary

Loves taking bubble bath’s with infused oils or flower petals with significant other

He’s the type that takes long showers & it brings him a true sense of freedom. He’s never able to take a quick shower, he gets lost in his ideas of what to do next in this world & it’s limitless

If he’s in for the day, which usually doesn’t last long—he’s either in sweats or in a robe all day

Only drives his bike on the weekend or if he’s going out of town but if he’s going on a trip for a couple of days with MC & if she’s got a bit of anxiety like me? He’ll stick to his car to make them comfortable

I feel like he enjoys the winter season. Maybe if it’s a slushy rainy winter more than a blizzards/snowy season. He loves bundling up, much to people’s surprise. He’s more than just his good looks and body love island fans!!!

Doesn’t post much on his socials. If you need to see what he’s about then you should do so in person or already know who he is. The internet can’t tell you much, in his opinion

Keeps himself in good health, I mean duh what kind of PT would he be 😉 goes on night jogs with reflector clothes on & occasionally morning jogs & at home workouts

Probably will date someone younger than him. Not by much, I don’t think he can take immaturity well. (That maybe how he views it) The most is 4 years younger than him

Henrik is his best bud from the show. They hang out all the time, crash at each other’s places, and vacation together all the time. They will be each other’s future best men forsure

Doesn’t go out of his way to talk to the rest of the guys from the show but if he happens to browse his feed and sees something he wants to comment on then he’ll carry a conversation of course

Far as the girls? He talks to Hannah & Priya from time to time. He also follows Hope and they like each other’s posts but not much communication is there either?

Either has a mint or black phone case, probably a Samsung galaxy user

Likes pistachio frozen yogurt but he’s lactose & doesn’t want to believe it :(

Smokes cigars when he’s out with his boys

Has a tight knit group of friends, majority of them are from the medical field since they all went to uni together + most of them are also married so the pressure is so on

*He’s the oldest out of his sibs so according to his parents he’s expected to be married first yet his baby sis is engaged and she’s 23*

wants a family...eventually. Probably will happen in his early thirties? The max for children is 2 for him. He knows they can be a HANDFUL due to his own friends who have kids + he’s a godfather and he’s babysat before so he knows how it goes!

enjoys his freedom as stated which further proves he’s a sag lol

Enjoys going to saunas to cleanse his pores/ get rid of toxins. It’s the easiest way for him to do so even tho his brother clowns him for it

His love language is deff physical touch. He loves hugs and resting his chin on top of your head, forehead to forehead, his nose pressed in between the space of your neck and shoulder, gentle squeezes, sitting next to each other with your legs touching, cuddling, sleeping on top of you or you on him, etc

He loves kissing. It’s automatic for him and it can also easily rile him up

Has strong opinions & will show them but will feel like he’s being attacked if it brings on a confrontation/argument

Will forgive and forget

Plays strategy board games

Makes his own natural healing creams & gives samples to his patients depending on their needs

His fav colors are: blue, white, & grey

Will grow a bit of facial hair in the cooler months if it’ll make mc happy (I’m a sucker for facial hair but hate it on myself lmao) but if he dislikes the feeling on his face he will shave and finds he likes a shaven face better, the facial hair makes him look a bit older—which is okay but that’s just his preference

When he stops putting gel in his hair/styling his hair in a quiff hairstyle it shocks fans with mc commenting on one of his pics, “you’re welcome x”

Likes going to the Hard Rock Cafe on causal weekends

also likes getting freaky in public, down for whatever 🤪

He’s a traveler so if he leaves the UK, I’m seeing him land in Toronto, Canada first and falling in love with it. I feel he would vibe well with the culture there, might even consider getting a vacation home in that location

Celeb crushes? Anne Hathaway, Beyoncé, Lupita Nyong'o, Anna Diop, Imaan Hammam, Jodie Comer, Megan Fox, Shay Mitchell, & Cassie Ventura Fine

Oh Lucas. I feel like we have similar tastes? Somewhat. He probably listens to more rock than I do? Maybe 80s rock moreso? & He listens to: WALK THE MOON, Allen Stone (his fav) , Emily king, Gavin Turek, Melanie Fiona, THEY., DPR live, & Sik-k

Anthem = Young the Giant, “Something to believe in”

[misssunflowersandsangria]

Please Have Snow and Mistletoe- Final Chapter

Merry Christmas my sweet deers!  I hope that you’ve all had a wonderful holiday season or just a lovely Winter.  I made it! Here we are at The End.  It’s short and sweet. Enjoy! Summary: The Big Day

Chapter 5: Joyeux

**

Flashback

“Yes, mother we’ll be there soon. Yes, of course, she’s coming.” 

“I didn’t want to tell you before because I knew you’d be a nag about it.” 

“Yes, you did raise me better than that. I’m sorry.”

“We’ll be there soon, she’s excited to meet you.”  

Shikamaru ended the call annoyed. His mother just couldn’t let things go. She managed to guilt-trip him into coming home earlier. Which he hadn’t done. There were more deals to close and projects to work on.  That came with a price.  When she demanded an explanation about why he wasn’t home yet his mouth began to spout lies about a girlfriend and conflicting schedules. Now he had to produce some female that could act like a doting girlfriend for just a few days. He had his assistant arrange a few “auditions” for him when he landed. He just needed to pick some un-troublesome women that could play along and keep his secret for a generous amount of money. It was deceitful and a little pathetic when he thought about it but there was little else he could do.

He left the airport lounge on the way to the tarmac where the private planes boarded. He’d heard the announcement about the weather cancellations and was thankful that he wasn’t flying commercial. He couldn’t delay going home any longer lest his mother come there and drag him home herself. 

That’s when he saw her. Blonde, beautiful with a tinge of sadness and disappointment in her striking teal eyes. Her face continued to fall as the customer service representative explained that the flights were all canceled. She, like so many others, probably had grand plans to be home for the holidays. Why her disappointment mattered more to him than anyone else’s, he wasn’t sure. 

“Excuse me.” 

End flashback 

“What’s wrong my darling? Did Santa not bring you what you wanted this year?”  Karura asked her daughter with a worried smile. 

“How can you tell?”  Temari wondered. She thought that she’d gone through the motions quite well.  Her family was excited to have her back home and had gone through the usual holiday activities.   She was happy and thankful to be back home but her heart was still heavy, despite pieces of it missing.  Left in the leaves, covered by the snow.

Her mother drew her in tight and kissed her forehead.  “Your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes.” She had always told her that her eyes could never tell a lie. 

Temari held onto her tight, Shikamaru’s stuffed deer that he’d hidden in her suitcase between them. She needed her mother’s comfort, hoping it could patch up the missing piece of her heart. “As powerful and magical as Santa is Mama, I don’t think that he can give me what I want this year.” 

Karura gazed down at her daughter wishing that she could ease her heartache.  “Well there’s still some Christmas left, amazing things can happen. And you my little Sand Storm deserve all the magic that it can give.” 

“I have you and my brothers. I don’t need anything else.”  It felt wrong lying to her mother. 

“I’m not quite sure about that.  Have some faith Temari.  Especially today.” 

Kankuro knocked on her door, interrupting the moment. 

“Uhm Temari, there’s a guy outside in a fancy suit with a really expensive car looking for you. He seems a little too well dressed to be a hitman but uh I can try to get rid of him for you.” 

Her heart began to beat rapidly, hope and warmth blossoming in her chest.  “Did he give a name?” 

“Shika something? I have Gaara keeping an eye on him.” 

She stormed out of there to find him standing in the living room by their Christmas tree. Karura herded her sons away to give them some privacy. 

“Shikamaru, what are you doing here?”  She asked in disbelief that he was there. 

“I shouldn’t have let you go the way that I did.”

His eyes were soft but thoughtful.  “All my life I worked hard for what I wanted. Sacrificing time and relationships to acquire the things that I thought I needed to give my life meaning.  I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished but these last few days with you, well it showed me that there’s so much more.” 

He stepped forward taking her shaky hands in his.  “I kept trying to convince myself that this couldn’t be real.  I'm not good with feelings. I’m rational, I plan.  I could have never planned on you coming into my life. But I’ve never been more sure of anything. You and me together Tem. It just makes sense. I don’t need the presents, the snow, any of it. I just want you.”

His hand gently cupped her face, his thumb wiping away the stray tears that managed to escape her eyes. 

“I want to keep playing with you in the snow till our fingers freeze. Have you teach me how to bake cookies.  I want to take snowy walks to feed the deer, and to kiss you even when there’s no mistletoe. I want to share in and create even more traditions with you.” 

She settled into his arms feeling her heart mend itself. 

“This is absolutely crazy but if this year taught me anything it’s that life is unpredictable.”  She gazed up at him, his soft brown eyes filled with love and joy for her.   

“Shikamaru, you’re everything that I could have ever wished for. I don’t know if it was those long conversations where we’d talk about everything or the quiet moments that you just held me in your arms or if it really is just that we’re meant to be together. My heart is yours. I wanted so much for you to ask me to stay but I’m glad that you came to your senses. This is the best thing that you could have given me.” 

She delighted in the warm kiss they shared. Thankful that this time she knew how they both felt. If he hadn’t followed her home she might have chased after him. Unable to imagine a life without him there.

When they separated he pulled her in tight layering kisses along her head.  She was there in his arms again and it all felt right. 

“So you must be Temari’s final Christmas gift.”

They looked up finding Karura standing there with a bright smile on her face. 

“Sorry for interrupting. I’m Shikamaru. Your daughter is incredible and I just needed her to know that.” Temari blushed at the compliment and the amused look on her mother’s face.  

“She really is, well we were just about to sit down for dinner so come on, there’s always room for one more.”    Shikamaru was grateful to be welcomed to join with their traditions. 

Temari took his hand in hers with an excited grin across her face.  The new couple followed Karura into the dining room where Temari’s brothers were sitting tense and unsure. 

Karura was kind and welcoming towards Shikamaru.  She pushed her sons to be the same although they were more confused and worried about him. 

Ice cold stares from Temari was enough to make them behave. This along with the additional gifts he’d had brought. By the end of the night, they warmed up to him and were closer to believing that he was good enough for their sister. 

The food was eaten and the gifts exchanged. They called Shikaku and Yoshino to let them know that he made it. Amd to introduce them at least over the phone to her family. Numbers were exchanged and promises made to have combined family events in the future. 

As the night came to a close, Shikamaru and Temari were dressed in another set of matching pajamas that he’d also given to her family.  This set had a festive arrangement of cactuses to celebrate her home. She took him outside bundled up in blankets and jackets to gaze up at the desert night sky. 

“This is kind of my own tradition. I’d come out here late Christmas night to look at the stars.” 

He held her close as she described the different constellations. Content just to hear her voice. 

Temari gazed at him, still amazed that he was there.

“So how did this all come about?” 

“After you left my mom was inconsolable. I’d never seen her like that. Both of them were pretty annoyed that I hadn’t given you an engagement ring. Everything else was the same, but you weren’t there anymore.  It felt empty and I couldn't handle the rest of my days being like that.”

He pulled her into a kiss, a simple reminder that she really was there. 

“Nothing about how we left it felt right. I wanted so much to stop you from leaving or to follow you to the airport. I kept convincing myself that it just wasn’t possible. You don’t fall for someone that quickly.   It’s pretty clear I’m a stubborn person.  But with all the time we spent together, the conversations and experiences that we shared. How could I not fall for you?  You’re my person.” 

The whole time, he was falling right along with her. 

Her fingers trailed over the watch she’d given him, remembering that fateful day. How different her day might be if it all hadn’t happened the way it did. How different her life would be. 

She nestled herself into his arms sharing lazy loving kisses between them. “So what does tomorrow hold for us?” 

With the bright lights of a million stars above them, her safe and warm in his arms, all was calm. And their futures bright.  

“Everything.” 

*

**

Please Have Snow and Mistletoe

Chapter 1: Flight XMAS

Chapter 2: A Scene from a Snowglobe

Chapter 3: Sweeter than a Sugar Plum 

Chapter 4: A Christmas Poem

Chapter 5: Joyeux

**

Phew I can’t believe I wrote this in time.  Also yes, Karura is there because I need more stories where the Sand Sibs have therir lovely mommy.  You can imagine whatever you want for Rasa.  I hope that you all enjoyed my Christmas gift to you!  Writing and interacting with all you lovely readers has been my saving grace in such a crazy year.  So you are all my gifts.  Thank you for reading, all your love, and support and I hope that Santa brings you your own Shikamaru ;D I love you and see you in the new year! 

[evenstevensranked]

#21: Season 2, Episode 15 - “Sibling Rivalry”

In an attempt to settle their never-ending rivalry, Ren and Louis compete on a ridiculous game show called “Sib Wars.” There’s also Ren/Bobby/Mandy drama on the side which is beyond juicy. Meanwhile, Donnie has a date with a French girl and has Nelson translate for him. 

This one opens with Louis "Flossercising” -- A combination of flossing your teeth and exercising. Right off the bat, you know this episode is gonna be an outlandish one. He’s just chillin’, incorrectly lifting weights in a bathroom full of dental floss lol

How do you even buy that much dental floss? Also, I can’t deal with Shia’s face in this screenshot. ALSO, I’d like to talk to Sarah and Suzie and ask them what drugs they were on when they came up with “flossercising.” 

Ren starts freaking out at Louis because she needs to get ready for a date with Bobby and he’s cramping her style. They chase each other into Donnie’s room where we see Donnie super focused on learning French. I love how he’s dressed in the stereotypical black and white striped mime shirt -- sitting in front of a pile of French books, Eiffel Tower statues and a bowl of french fries while doing so. As if it’s a freaking séance to reach the ghosts of French experts. 

Cutting off his head was the only way I could get everything in the screenshot lol. 

This scene is pretty funny. After Louis and Ren come running into his room, Donnie tells them to knock it off because he only has one day to learn French. “That’s realistic” Ren says so sarcastically, I crack up every time. This is also where Ren calls Louis “infuriating” and he tries to call her it as well, but butchers the word and says “In-flirt-in-ate-ter-ing.” I remember this being used on a few ads for the show back in the day. Just then, Donnie grabs a VHS tape, shows it to them very dramatically and says “You guys need to see this.” And Louis is all “What? You lifting weights in your bathing suit? We already saw that.” HAHA!!! I love how Donnie is so obliviously vain, it’s great. Imagine subjecting your brother and sister to that. He quickly picks up the VHS he meant to show them, which is an accidental taping of a show called “Sibling Sessions.” 

This show within a show is so freaking hilarious. It’s like Dr. Phil if it were a show within a soap opera and filmed in a therapists office. The brother and sister (Kevin and Wendy) who appear on it are so lame and fake, it’s so good. The host makes Kevin apologize to Wendy and I died laughing. 

“It’s nothing against you, Wendy! You’re the BEST! I guess the reason I act the way I do, is because of my own insecurities. Deep down... I’m just a loser.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. The acting is purposely incredibly bad here, almost like an infomercial -- which makes it even better. The kid looks like he’s about to burst out laughing when he says “I’m just a loser” lol. 

Even Stevens seriously wins the award for Most Original Humor on Disney Channel. Ever. No other show has a strut quite like this one. I also thank god every day that ES didn’t have a laugh track. It simply doesn’t need one. 

Ren thinks the show seems professional and is down for appearing on it. Louis, on the other hand, is vehemently against it -- Until the host announces that Kevin and Wendy will receive two tickets to Happy Mountain Amusement Park for being on the show, lol. 

You just know this was an ad-lib, tbh. How does Shia even think of this stuff? What even is that facial expression? He’s too much...

I also just realized that Ren is definitely wearing the necklace Louis bought her in Swap.com. Ya know, the one she gave back to Ernie? Oops. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and Ren is expecting it to be Bobby, but *dun dun dunnn* It’s Nelson. This marks the start of the DRAMA!!! Bobby sent Nelson as the bearer of bad news. He’s there to let Ren know Bobby had to cancel their date because he has work to do with his lab partner. Hummmmm... Ren is immediately suspicious. Clearly, she does not trust Bobby and this relationship ain’t healthy. 

Somewhere around here, Donnie finds out that Nelson can speak French. So he asks him to translate on his upcoming date with some ~beautiful foreign exchange student.~ We also get the “HAAAAPPY MOUNTAIN! THE BIG OLD ROCK OF FUUUUUUN!” from Louis which is iconic. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that most of the things Shia does in this episode are ad-libs.

The next day at school, Ren happens to catch Bobby working with his lab partner... who he conveniently forgot to mention is Mandy “Always-Gets-Her-Man” Sanchez. RED FLAG!!! MAJOR RED FLAG. 

When class lets out, there’s this awkward/passive-aggressive/mean girl moment between Ren and Mandy -- and it’s gold. Mandy says “Ren, love the lipstick! That color works so well on your THIN lips. :)” To which Ren responds, “You know? I wonder what it’d look like on a FAT LIP :)” hahahaha. Salty overload. Ren decides to privately confront Bobby about the situation after. Asking why he neglected to say that Mandy was his lab partner because Mandy is definitely into him, and he essentially tells her it’s all in her head. “Come on, it’s just Mandy. She flirts with everyone!” So, Ren convinces herself that she’s just overreacting. THIS IS SUCH A TEXTBOOK CASE OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP. You can clearly see that Ren is still suspicious though.. and it only gets worse when Bobby kisses her goodbye on the cheek instead of the lips. Oh, boy. Bobby sucks. 

Ren and Louis go to an audition for “Sibling Sessions” but when they get there they see that the show has been rebranded as “Sib Wars” -- a competition show. Apparently the ratings were in the toilet. Can’t imagine why!!! Who wouldn’t want to watch a low-level, PBS knock-off of Dr. Phil?! The show is on the verge of being cancelled all together, unless they can find two bickering siblings to compete ASAP -- and Louis and Ren answer their prayers. They come barging in like two arguing tornados. I love their little fight here though, lol. Ren claims that Louis got ice cream in her hair and Louis says “Did it ever occur to you that YOUR hair got in MY ice cream? Did that enter your skull?!” He has a point. Ren obviously considers herself to be the superior sibling, so she has no doubt that she’ll win the cheesy competition. “I could even grow a mustache before you!” she threatens. And Louis comes back with one of my favorite burns everrrr: “You could. In fact, it’s coming in quite nicely!” HAHA. Shia and Christy go on to totally ad-lib a heated argument and I love it. 

The host, David Blackburn, is so over the top with everything he does. On “Sibling Sessions” he was over the top melodramatic and on “Sib Wars” he’s over the top excited. It’s like he’s incapable of acting like a normal human. Normally, I cannot stand when shows go overboard with obnoxiousness.. but I can’t help but laugh at this guy. He starts wearing a cheap, short, dreads wig to try to seem more ~hip~ and young, (”Is my hair on straight?”) which is hilarious to me. And this dude delivers every single one of his lines with such a perfect balance of fake enthusiasm and the insecurity that comes along with trying way too hard to be cool. It just gets me for some reason, lol. I’m also almost positive that HE’S doing the voiceover announcing HIMSELF as “the handsome, the talented -- DAVID BLACKBURRRRRNNNN!” haha. I have to gif the footage of his introduction because it’s honestly so meme-worthy and hysterical imo: 

If I had the power, I’d make nearly every other moment of every Even Stevens episode a popular meme. It’s beyond deserving... Yet, the only meme that’s come out of Even Stevens is Beans. Great. This show is truly one of the greatest, overlooked TV gems ever. 

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the “TV G” was edited in for “Sib Wars” specifically. I don’t remember Even Stevens ever having a rating pop up like that before, so that’s pretty awesome lol. I’m not sure what part of this gif gets me the worst, though. When he flips his “hair” back, the zoom-out shot of him like “ :D ” or the “THAT’S ME!” It’s all brilliant. I’ve been laughing at this for 5 minutes straight.

The game show ends up being incredibly stupid with the dumbest questions and categories ever... So it’s basically tailor-made for Louis Stevens. Therefore, he literally leaves Ren in the dust -- 500 points to 0. There’s also a “Pudding Pit of Doom” round where yet another bad Louis stunt double flips into the vat: 

I never noticed how many stunts happen on this show until now. This guy is obviously older and has a completely different build than Shia. They really don’t even try lol. 

David Blackburn announces that Louis and Ren will return the next day for the “Ultimate Humiliation” round -- where they have 1 minute to totally mortify the other on public access television. Fun! Louis is scrambling to find some dirt on Ren, and he fails. The closest thing he gets is her “brushing her teeth inefficiently” on tape. This bit always stuck with me though!! He explains the footage to Twitty and says “Look at the technique. She’s doing that upward thing, you’re not supposed to be doing that! You’re supposed to do the little circles!” I think about this every single time I brush my teeth and have since always brushed in a circular motion lol. 

The drama reaches the climax right about now when Louis and Twitty catch Bobby and Mandy walking down the hall together very flirtatiously. Their first thought is to start recording -- and boy did they end up capturing the most DRAMATIC TEEN DRAMA MOMENT THE SHOW HAS EVER SEEN: 

Is this Even Stevens or Degrassi???

When I rewatched this episode for the first time in a few years, I was genuinely shocked. I knew Bobby was “cheating,” but I always remembered it as only flirting or a lingering hug. (Ya know... because Disney.) But, NOPE. It was an actual kiss on the lips. Bobby is a RAT and I never liked him. It’s really too bad they didn’t end the series with some comedic plot where Ren and Larry realize their feelings for each other because trust me..... the feelings are there. That’s way better content than Bobby freakin’ Deaver. HE WAS NEVER FOR YOU, REN!

Louis’ plan is to be a slimeball and use this footage in the Ultimate Humiliation round. That’s honestly so messed up, I can’t even fathom that idea. Imagine video of your significant other kissing some other person airing for everyone to see. Dang. I told you this was dramatic. 

This subplot is really, really short. So I’ll wrap it up now as usual. It’s just Donnie on his date with Sandrine (played by Danica McKellar from The Wonder Years) with Nelson translating. Basically, Nelson’s allergies to everything flare up. He takes over the date and steals Sandrine’s attention away from Donnie. That’s it. There’s this one screenshot that’s pretty great without context tho: 

Back to the main plot. Ren decided to use Louis’ nasty bed sheet as her way to humiliate him. I love how she titled the exhibit "Louis: An American Tragedy" lol: 

When it’s Ren’s turn to sit in the hot seat, she takes a moment to give a shout out to Bobby. Saying how happy she is that they’re together and she hopes they can stay together. Of course. Meanwhile, Louis is standing there holding the VHS tape of Bobby cheating. It’s intense. Ultimately, Louis makes the right decision and doesn’t show the tape. He just gives up and says he didn’t come prepared with anything. I LOVE SEEING GOOD LITTLE BROTHER LOUIS, MAN!!! Ren is declared the winner. 

Louis knows that Ren doesn’t deserve to continue to be lead on by Bobby. So at home that night, Louis simply gives Ren the tape. The footage is pretty self explanatory. It fades to a very dramatic shot of Ren breaking up with Bobby by giving him his letterman jacket back. I hate Bobby. He’s standing there all sad. Like... Come on, man. Don’t act like you're upset about what you did. You knew full well what you were doing. 

Ren’s head to toe light blue ensemble is... something. 

Ren thanks Louis for not showing the tape on TV and he says “Ren, you’re my sister. I wouldn’t do you like that.” MY HEART. That vibe changes quickly though when Louis asks if he can be her plus 1 to Happy Mountain lol. 

And that’s it. The episode ends with Donnie watching the video of him lifting weights in his bathing suit. haha. 

I really like this episode. It’s not one of my personal favorites, but this episode is most true to the series' premise. If you look at it literally, it’s the most "Even Stevens" episode ever tbh -- which is why it's higher on the list. I also just cannot get over the level of legit drama here with the Bobby/Mandy stuff! Crazy. Louis is a great brother here, too.. which is so amazing to see. There aren’t any giant laugh-out-loud moments, but the dialogue here is so snappy and smart. I found myself laughing quite a bit due to how great the writing is and the delivery from the cast all around. Everyone is on point here. 

Thanks for reading!!

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[awellboiledicicle]

Ok So I got to Spring year 2 and Kent came home from war, and i’m dating Sam, so it’s all interconnected-- but knowing me, I wouldn’t put together “gruff man coming home to the valley from war” with “Sam/Vincent’s dad” when I first met Kent.  So the following probably occurred:

When Kent hiked out to Hard Rock Farm, the packed earth path went from the uneven land that was maintained by the city to owner maintained... something. The pathway up was crushed down brighter white stones that lead up to larger colored stones set into the dirt where the white ended.  There was a small sign at the top of the way that said “dolomite, pardon the dust”. The fact it was next to a giant slab of gemstone that was clearly meant to be a stepping stone was.. likewise interesting. The house, at least, looked mostly normal.  There were fruit trees along the cliff to the front, a cat lazing on the porch, a green lawn, and... was that a chicken statue in the window? It was. It was definitely a giant wooden chicken staring out the window at him. It was wearing a top hat. Well, at least the coops in the distance looked normal? 

He knocked on the door and he really didn’t know what to expect. Jodi had insisted that this.. Farmer Mok was a good person. A little prone to getting caught up in talking about something if you let them, a little oblivious occasionally, very passionate about things. Likes flowers and chickens. Most of that information came from Vincent, actually, who heard them talking about the farmer and started talking like it was his job. Apparently they help his teacher occasionally and ‘put cool things’ in the library. Sam ignored the topic and fled the room with a joja cola when Kent had tried to ask him about them, so he took that to mean there may have been a problem between the two-- that or there wasn’t much to say. The door gave him a bit more insight into the farmer, because there was a mezuzah hanging along side it. There was also a series of light catchers on the small window on the actual door.

When the door finally opened, he didn’t know if he was surprised or not.  Short, with broad shoulders and a wide face. A worn blue hat covered their head, but he could see sunburn that stretched to the hairline. Glasses.  Armed with a sword. “Uh.. Good morning? Can I help you?” He shifted a bit, suddenly aware he was a stranger at home again.  “Yes, hello. My name is Kent. I’ve been gone for awhile... overseas.” A look of recognition seemed to flash through their eyes and their posture shifted, he recognized it as the one most people held talking to old vetrans. He didn’t know how to feel about that. “My wife told me a new farmer moved in while I was gone and I wanted to come say hello. So, hello.” “Well then, my name’s Mok--” They nodded and held out a hand, smiling. “Nice to meet you, Kent! Good to have you home!” They shook hands and he went home feeling very good about this meeting in general.

And then Farmer Mok went to see their boyfriend Sam, completely missing out, mentally, on the fact that Kent was Sam’s dad. Because it was planting season and they were tired and they just wanted to relax after climbing up and down hills. 

So, they squelched their way through the Cindersnap forest, lamenting the fact that there wasn’t a hard road to walk on. Also that they decided to plant the back 15 acres with the crops and the front 15 acres with flowers and the side garden with house food and the greenhouse with exotics. Also known as they wanted to go to Jodi’s, have tea, and listen to Sam practice his guitar and maybe fall asleep on him.  “Hey, Jodi?” They called as they opened the door and kicked off their shoes, hanging up their jacket. “You in from cardio?” She poked her head around the corner from the kitchen and laughed. Jodi watched them come further into the house, stretching their back out. “You surviving planting season?” “There is no survival, only seeds.” They let out a groan as the sound of Vincent running out of his room got both of their attention. “I hear my favorite little boy running in the house.” “Sib!” The little boy jumping on their back didn’t kill them, but it felt like it. “Did you bring dessert? Mom’s making lentils and--” “Oof.” Be strong, Mok. For the kiddo. Jodi was rushing forward to take him, but they were determined to keep together till she got there. “Not today, but I have a nice pink cake planned for shabbot, Why don’t you help mama Jodi with dinner so you’ll like it, picky boy?” “But--” Jodi finally pulled Vincent off their back and they tried very hard to hide their gasp. They caught the arrival of Sam and his stealth thumbs up from his doorway, though. Most skilled datemate. Them. Yup. “C’mon, honey, lets get working on some tea so we can have some with dad when he comes back from his walk!” Bless this mom. “Okay.” Vincent didn’t look entirely convinced, but he was in the grasp of his mom now. You really can’t argue while in the air. You can, but you will lose.  “I will now babysit your other child till dinner.”  Jodi paused on her way to the kitchen, Vincent making a yuck face, and gave them a knowing look. “Door open, Sam.” The sound of Sam putting his head on his door jam kinda echoed.  “Mom, we’re gonna listen to music and talk about aliens. Oh my god.” “Door open.” “Yes ma’am.”  Sam got dragged into his room so the farmer could flop face first onto his mattress, knees on the floor and groan. He laughed and plopped down next to them. “Oh yeah, we’re getting really wild in here-- glad mom made us keep the door open. May need to pop the window.” They very politely flipped him off. He leaned down and kissed the top of their head, earning a small mrrph. “You’re cute when you’re wishing death on the world.” He flopped sideways and ruffled their hair, waiting for them to get done with the following half hearted yell into his blanket. They looked up at him with the same expression that Sebastian often had when he explained an error to him that had been a pain in the ass for weeks, and had actually had a simple solution. The Rubber Duck Sam look. The ‘thank goodness i have you because otherwise i would run into the brick wall of myself’ look. Sam preferred the Rubber Duck term because he could imagine himself as one of those cool rubber ducks with a guitar and sunglasses. “I’m adorable and never want to see another seed in my fucking life.” “You’re kinda a farmer, I think that’s gonna happen. Upside, you have cute animals too?” They sat back, arms flopping up onto the bed, with one hand coming up to pap lightly at his cheek. “I have to feed and water those animals. The fattest ones crawl in my hoodies and tickle my neck.” Sam rolled over so they were face to face, feet kicking in the air. “I am not seeing a downside.” They gently grabbed onto his cheeks, put their foreheads together and stared deeply into his eyes. “You are adorably, infuriatingly, amazingly optimistic. You big, soft, loveball.” He snorted, slightly ruining it, but that was ok because by all standards pizza breath is not as bad as other things. Sam pulled them up, and they came pretty willingly as snuggles seemed about to happen and they were correct-- though he very quickly lived up to his trickster reputation by tickling them.  “I have a reputation--” “No--” They pushed his pillow into his face, eyes closed behind their soft defence. “Saaam, please, i’m tiiired.” He stopped tickling them, also probably waving off his mother who had appeared to put a stop to anything going on. Bless Jodi, because she let the two be with a quick ‘door stays open’ mouthed to Sam.  “Ok, fine. Sorry for making it worse.” To his credit, he did sound sorry. They flopped fully back on his bed and kinda sunk in. “I wouldn’t fall asleep though, mom might not let that one go.” “That’s fair.” “So.” He crossed his legs and gave them one of his big, goofy smiles. “What’d you do today? Aside of plant seeds, i mean.” They groaned again and he laughed, rubbing at their hand in sympathy. “Don’t laugh, you goober. I had to buy twice as many seeds as I thought and the ground by the river was so muddy-- I thought the bridges were going to sink into the water! I couldn’t let the animals out, and I probably can’t till it all dries out and they’re grumpy.” A sigh bigger than the house. “And some random guy showed up this morning? Is that a thing here, you move in or something and you have to go say hi to everyone?” There was a pause in Sam’s supportive ‘mhmm’ing and the rubbing on their hand had turned to a slight twitching. Checking his face, he had a kind of unreadable expression-- at least from their angle. So, they sat up and he was looking off into the middle distance... trying not to laugh. “Babe... was this guy...” He snorted and they frowned at him. “Was this guy a blond. Was he.” “Yeah, why?” “Babe.” “Sam, what are you laughing at.” “Was he kinda tall and wearing a military jacket.” Sam was keeping a very serious tone, now, but between the actual talking, it was very obvious he was about 3 breathes away from collapsing. “....oh my god.” They looked at him, to the middle distance and back. “oh my god.” “Babe. My dad got back last night.” Sam promptly fell backwards off his bed, between the wall and said bed while Farmer Mok lowered themselves down back onto the blankets and placed his pillow onto their now red face. “If you would just apply heavy, constant pressure until I stop breathing, that’d be great, babe.” It was a muffled deadpan, but Sam heard it and managed to sit up and put his head on their arm and shake his head no through his laughing. “Just kill me now, that’d be great. Leave my chickens to Shane.” “Hun, nooo.” “You are not killing me, to save me from living with this shame a moment longer than I have to, like a loving and devoted boyfriend would do.” There was a pause from under the pillow and Sam tried to calm himself down, patting their shoulder. “I am very disappointed. I thought you loved me enough to kill me instantly in an emergency.” “I’ve literally told you about him coming home, for weeks!” “I’m filing a complaint with the boyfriend store. ‘Too attractive and laughs at me’.” He let out another guffaw as they sat up and smacked him on the head with the pillow before he got back on the bed and hugged them. “Besides, he looked too short to be your dad.” “I can’t stop laughing--” He gasped. “Besides, what did you expect my dad to be, a giant? Just to walk in here, be 9 feet tall?” “The height has to come from somewhere!” They gestured to all of him, starting to giggle in spite of themselves. “I mean, it certainly didn’t come from Jodi, she’s my size!” “Are-- are you implying--” He looked faux-offended, trying not to laugh. “That my- that my mom fucked a giant. Is that what you are.. i can’t. oh my god.” “Respect your elders, Samson. Your very large elders.” He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. “You know, go far enough back, and they’re your elders too.” “Are you saying...” They took a deep breath and looked him dead in the eyes. “Jacob... was a giant.” “Oh, honey.” He placed a hand on their shoulder. “You’d be taller if he was.”

There was a beat of silence as they stared at him.

“Now I have to smother you, because you called my god punching nephew short. And also me short. And--” “You’d have to reach first--” “OK, FIRST OF ALL--”

Meanwhile Jodi is explaining to Kent that no, this is just how they bond

[spectrumscribe]

hiyah spectrum!! i was wondering if you had any headcanons for leo, maybe some ideas about stuff after the s2 finale? feel free to ignore but i absolutely adore your character analyzes and how you study their personalities!!

Ah yes, my troubled blue son. Tsk tsk, Leo has like 3million unresolved issues and is dealing with them terribly in canon. I’m glad you came to consult me on my manner ofheadcanons and personal analysis for his character; I have a fair amount opinions aboutboth those things. And by a fair amount I mean a stupid amount.

You specified Season 2’s final, and lemme tell you, I havethought deeply on that, and pretty much every other part of Leo’s characterevolution/devolution. Straight from the beginning to the current, I’ve lookedover Leo’s whole journey and this is the result:

For starters, while it seems like probably 99% of the time Iloathe Leo, I really don’t. At one point I might’ve, but for the most partthese days I kind of just… pity the kid. Being a leader is no easy job, letalone one that has to send his kid brothers into literal war over and over. Thefirst set of writers for this show did some work with that part of hischaracter, an older brother terrified of failing his siblings and father andlosing them all because of it, but not nearly enough in my opinion. There was areal opportunity to go better into depth of how hard it is to be a leader,beyond just giving reasonable arguments when he tries to corral his team/siblings.I’m an eldest sibling myself; I know how hard it can be to be a leader/the loneresponsible individual in the room; and I’m just an ordinary person, I can’timagine even once sending my sibs up against people who wanted to kill them,let alone night after night.

Following up that bit about leadership: I feel Leo reallyslipped as the seasons went on, and stopped being a leader, and becamesomething alike to a dictator instead. If it weren’t shit writing in actuality,I’d say the blame of this lies with his very understated PTSD, post his Shredder wounds/three month coma. Like,he was maybe sixteen when thathappened. He faced down someone not even his father could defeat, all on hisown, and was nearly killed for it. That alone would’ve fucked him up, but itgets better. When he wakes up, he’s essentially an invalid because of hisbroken leg, and he probably didn’t even recognize his own voice. Leo had a massive amount of damage done to him,enough that his body had to shut down for three months to recover, and his dadafterwards says “it’s all just in your head.”

Like

What the actual fuck.

Leo couldn’t walk more than two feet without crutches, hadhis voice/throat damaged irreparably, was very likely suffering through a slowbreak down because he lost his dad, his city, and any sense of normalcy he hadin, all in a single fucking day, and then slept for three fucking months right after that,leaving his team/family on their own with no leadership or guidance and thushaving failed them in that sense, and was having god only knows how many nightmaresabout the whole experience-

And Splinter tells him to mystical ninja it all better.

Honestly, a big part of Leo’s current characterizationprobably stems from that. The fact that he had none of the support adult war veterans get for much lessthan what he went through, let alone as a sixteenyear old boy who literally almostdied at the hands of his worst nightmare, and the most he gets from his dadis the advice to just get over it. That’s the start of a really fucking bad coping mechanism for Leo, which is essentially“if I don’t think/mention it ever again, it didn’t happen” and a shit ton ofrepression/careful editing of his emotions/thoughts. From there, in my opinion,his coping mechanisms spread to the rest of his life, and inevitably, hisleadership. Leo lost total control of his life in a single day, and then had toactively fight his body and mind for months afterwards to get it back; solutionto not wanting to experience that loss of control again is to control everythinghe possibly can. Including his family.

I love Leo, but he has done a lot of shitty things since hewoke up from that coma. Particularly to Donnie, who has been the one bearingthe brunt of the family’s steady decline in functionality. Repeatedly, Leo hasguilt Donnie into following what Leo wantshim to do, whether it’s by proxying their father’s teachings or by holdingDonnie emotionally hostage. The scene that best displays this is when Donnieadmits that he’s unsure if it’s actually possible to cure Karai’s mutation, andLeo reacts by saying “You know how muchthis means to master Splinter” in a very obvious move of emotionalblackmail. Donnie gets a moment ofscreen time to snap back that yeah, he does know, and he’s been working his assoff for months because of that, and what has Leo been doing during all that?-but that moment is disregarded completely afterwards, and the buddingconfrontation between them is sidelined once again.

This sort of interaction is largely with Donnie, but Leo usessimilar tactics on the rest of his siblings. And while I really wish hewouldn’t, since Donnie is already under enormous pressure to keep theirhome appliances/weapons stock/vehicles/everyone’s general health in perfect working order, andMikey’s got his own set of issues stemming from how he’s treated by literally everybody,and Raph really doesn’t need extrafuel to his unhealthy coping mechanisms- I do see that it’s a product of Leostruggling and struggling badly, andnot receiving the support he needs. I’ll repeat again: sixteen year old boy, nearly died, told to just get over a major injuryand his PTSD.

And, to top this all off, very recently and right before hekicked the metaphorical bucket, Splinter removed the basis of Leo’s whole self.Leo wasn’t ever chosen to be a leader because he would be good at it, or hadpotential for it, or even just because he’s the eldest brother-

No, it’s because he was destinedfor it, and there was nothing Leo could have done that would have changedthat fact. In his father’s eyes, at least.

Like, his dad is about to die for the third time- which is a whole other thing of emotional fuckage forhis kids as a whole- and he leaves one last shitty piece of knowledge tofurther fuck Leo up. It’s not like the years and years of training Leo did wasactually worth anything, it’s not like his hours of agonizing over battletactics and moral choices were actually meaningful, it’s not like he didn’t puthis heart, mind, and soul into being the best possible leader he could be. No,he was destined to be a leader, andnone of that effort meant anything in the long run. (And this unspokenly excuses every shitty choice Leo has ever made when he was struggling as a leader, because if he was destined to be the perfect leader, how could any of his choices be the wrong one?)

And then to even furtherscrew with his heavily traumatized son, Splinter tells Leo he’s the Sensei now. He gives Leo, who is already abusing hisauthority in an attempt to hold himself and his life together, total andcomplete rule of his siblings and their clan. And then he dies, leaving a maybe eighteen year old in charge of hisentire family, who are all dealing with their own traumas and issues just asmuch as Leo is.

Forgive me for repeating myself, but what the actual fuck.

For one thing, eighteen year old’s are typically hardpressed to take care of themselves,let alone their younger siblings. Leo isn’t even a good leader anymore, howdoes Splinter expect him to manage being a masteron top of all that? (And that’s not even getting into the yucky feeling powerhierarchy that installs into an already lopsided relationship he’s got with hisbrothers.) (Or how literally none of the boys are anywhere near the level of a master ninja and Splinter is a bold faced liarfor saying they are.)

Ratdad kind of really fucked up with that one. Kind ofreally fucked up with a lot of things, regarding his kids. (And I have my ownsection of headcanons for as to why Splinter devolved into such a shittyfather, but that’s for another post.) And all those fuckups have created a veryunstable teenager who’s barely kept himself standing through tragedy aftertragedy by using coping mechanisms that’re just fucking him up worse. (And godonly knows how the Golden Child complex Leo’s gotten from his years of specialtreatment is holding up under all this. I’ve seen it happen in real life;telling a kid they’re super special and inherently better than others fucks them up as theyget older. Splinter might not have actually ever called Leo those things, butLeo was very obviously given more attention and care than his brothers; he isthe favorite son, and everyone knows it. Even Leo. Especially Leo.)

(I have another big section of personal opinions regardingLeo and canon, about the Golden Child complex and similar issues, having to dowith the super shitty and really very abusive relationships he’s grown to have withthe b-team, and to an extent, Raph. Raph is included in that section, as wellas master Splinter, as abusers/neglecters, but I’ll save that, again, foranother post.)

To round it all up, my general headcanons and analysis forLeo right now are quite dark and pitiable. Underneath all that though, I know he’s still a good kid. He’s just areally fucked up kid who never got to sit down and talk about the shit he wentthrough, and is probably holding himself together by the skin of his teeth atthis point. (His dad, dead three times over; his entire family, ostracized pariahsof society and totally dependent on his leadership; hisemotional/mental/physical wellbeing, fucked to hell and back; my feelings aboutthis, please save this kid from himself.)

Leo’s not a bad kid, in truth. He’s just one that had ashitty dad and an even shittier hand in life. He only ever wanted to be thehero, to do good by his role as an eldest brother and leader, and he wentthrough hell because of that, and his father’s inability to just step up andfinish what he started. The true fault of Leo’s struggle to be a good leaderand brother lies with his father, and it’s the biggest reason of my pity forhim. Bad kids aren’t ever born as that; it’s a learned behavior from theirmentors. (Ratdad and Captain Ryan were reallybad role models; Leo you should’ve gotten better ones than them.)

To be frank: Leo is a highly traumatized and fucked upteenager with no support whatsoever, and I’m sad to have seen Season 1 Leosuffer through being Season 2 Leo, and to have steadily become Season 5 Leo. Someone getthis kid some therapy and better role models, and a restraining order from hisbrothers until he sorts his shit out.

Also: Thank you anon for asking me this. This was a good rant to get out.

[mehlsbells]

I’ve written before about the myriad of things which would go into Perfect TV Pilot Bingo, including shows like Glitch and The Night Of which set up mysteries, shows such as Doctor Who which have mini-pilots every few seasons, even TV shows which shoot a mid-season episode first to sell the show but still need to make their actual first-airing episode work as an introduction.

Let’s take a look at Stumptown‘s pilot and how it functions to deliver an incredible amount of information in a very short space, while serving a self-contained story and setting up the season’s arc.

The cold open establishes the iconic PORTLAND sign before panning to two tattooed heavies driving a car mostly held together with duct tape and curse-laden invocations. In a moment we’ll discover they don’t mind beating strangers unconscious and stuffing them in a trunk, but first the show is going to plant tongue-in-cheek: the criminals ruminate on coffee tasting notes before sing along to Sweet Caroline which distracts them as Dex escapes from the trunk and fights for control, launched the car off a bridge. This tells us Stumptown is happy to fight small and dirty but throw a little money at old-school stunts. Casting helps, too, the singing heavies reminiscent of 101 Dalmations and Home Alone hired muscle.

The credits card is stylised in a nod to the source material, then the next scene pulls a classic “three days earlier.” This device is a gimmick to wring the most bang-for-buck out of an action sequence, or easily set up a ‘how did they get here’ mystery (Breaking Bad‘s favourite use), but it works here both because a pilot is almost expected to pull this sort of stunt, and because it pulls a fakeout later (more when we get there).

Three days earlier, a detective sits in a bar drinking whiskey. So far, so typical. Dex being played by Cobie Smulders, she’s immediately hit on by a smarmy out-of-towner, and her response is a doozy of character and exposition. The first scene briefed us on Dex’s resourcefulness, good taste in distressed denim jackets, and ability to fight with a seatbelt and fire extinguisher, but this is the first real sense we get of Dex as a person. Within 90 seconds we learn she has a quick-patter repartee and strong deductive reasoning, is a military veteran who served in Afghanistan, speaks at least one other language, and doesn’t tolerate smarmy pricks.

The scene itself is a version of the Sherlock Holmes Introductory Scene. Every Sherlock Holmes adaptation gives Sherlock a reason to show his powers of deduction, and many contemporary detective shows follow suit. Take the two most recent TV adaptations: Sherlock introducing John and Watson in a medical lab which underlines John’s bonafides while establishing Sherlock’s macabre fascinations. Elementary leads Joan to Sherlock’s screen-filled living room (the better to inform us how this modern Sherlock consumes visual data) before quickly getting to a crime scene (the better to show off both his deduction powers, and Watson’s medical knowledge).

Point being, showing Dex’s powers of observation is important, but location can convey information, too. Dex gets hit on by McDouchy at Whispering Winds Casino, which isn’t just for production design’s sake. The casino bar allows the show to seamlessly transition to Dex gambling, which gives her one of the multiple character flaws all noir detectives must be in possession of, and also good reason to be called into a back room for a chat with casino owner Sue Lynn . . . who happens to have an existing and somewhat prickly relationship with Dex.

Sue Lynn gives us more specifics about the broad strokes we already got; Dex is in more debt than just losing at craps in the prior scene; not only was Dex in the military, but specifically military intelligence; Dex dated Sue Lynn’s son. All this comes in the midst of a conversation where Sue Lynn sets up the episode’s central mystery by asking Dex to find her granddaughter Nina.

Dex drives home, accompanied by a perfectly serviceable establishing shot with her beat-up car we’re familiar with, and greets her brother Ansel. Family in unusual iterations feels like it’s going to be a running theme with this show, but Ansel also serves to remind / guilt Dex about needing a job. Ansel provides our first sense of how the theme of family will run through this show, and also a fantastic selection of Portland Timbers gear.

After calling Sue Lynn to accept the job, Dex spends an appropriate amount of time in her appropriately-cluttered kitchen staring wistfully at a picture of herself and a handsome man we can infer is her ex and Sue Lynn’s son. How much Dex is driven by debt and how much by nostalgia / sense of duty / obligation / love we don’t know yet, but that’s setting up a season and character arc question: for this episode, all that matters is Dex takes the case.

And to reiterate, we cut to Grey setting up his bar and giving Dex (but mostly the audience) a ‘so let me get this straight’ reset. They also establish their rapport and Dex’s noir detective proclivity for alcohol.

Less than ten minutes and we’ve received an incredible amount of information, gotten a feel for the tone, and met some characters who, while it’d be a stretch to call them ‘colourful’ since they’ve only had a couple lines, are at least sketched out enough to make them entertaining.

Now Dex heads off to start cracking the case. Because the pilot has a lot of other work to do, this case is simple, mostly serving to show off Dex’s street smarts. The opening car bit showed Dex’s physical resourcefulness, this scene lets Dex play mental games, egging a witness to call Nina then driving around the block before snatching the witness’s unlocked phone. On the phone is a picture of a motel, where Dex goes and – with a little elbow grease and disregard for protocol and procedure – finds Nina and Nina’s dumb boyfriend.

Driving Nina back to the casino, Dex is rear-ended and beat up by two thugs who run off with Nina. From the moment the little guy hits Dex we assume they’ll take Nina and put her in the trunk along with Dex: the bad guys often take our hero’s car, plus we remember the opening sequence from a mere 13 minutes before, so it seems obvious . . . but then they don’t. This tells us not too assume too much, that there’s another twist to come.

Before that twist, Dex is going to meet a very Hot Detective, get questioned up at the station by said detective and Chief Camryn Manheim Lieutenant Cosgrove, get bailed out by Grey, realise something is Very Wrong with Sue Lynn’s statement, double back to talk to the dumb boyfriend, and find a food truck cook named Tookie to get some info on who might have it in for Nina and/or Sue Lynn.

Quick pit stop; Tookie and Dex’s casual rapport and exposition friendly banter about that one time Dex helped out as line cook establish Tookie is clearly an old friend, but he’s also got a lot of knowledge of Portland’s grimy ongoings. Though this is the only time we see him in the pilot, he has clear Recurring Character Vibe and establishes his usefulness by giving Dex a lead (and some legit tasty hot sauce).

  At the nightclub Tookie pointed her towards, Dex runs into a bouncer whose name she misremembers; this establishes her penchant for casual sex, which sets up another scene with Hot Detective in just a few minutes. The bouncer isn’t just there to let Dex banter, he lets the story show us something about who she is.

A little misunderstanding about a hot car which riffs lightly on various noir / procedural tropes, a little grand theft auto via driving in a small space, and Dex goes back to Sue Lynn to return her cash advance. While the scene lets her get a bead on the fact Sue Lynn was lying, it also gives us a picture of her Ideals, which all stubborn noir detectives have varying degrees of, which often operate in shades of grey* but which they hold to tightly.

Leaving the casino, Dex experiences PTSD flashbacks to her military stint. While we don’t need to be reminded of her service again, this reminds us she’s got a heavy mental load, which underlines the emotion of a gut-punch which will get served by Hot Detective approximately 60 seconds later, just after a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am round of sex is PG-13ly insinuated.

The dialogue bridging* ‘post-coital flirting’ and ‘reminder that you blame yourself for your ex-boyfriend’s death by IED’ is . . . well, I knew Michael Ealy was attractive and talented, but I didn’t know he was a magician. He actually manages to make the scene work, with just a little assistance from a perfectly fitted black t-shirt.

The remainder of the story is mostly about wrapping up the Nina mystery. No surprise: Dumb Boyfriend is a bad guy. Slight surprise: the cops actually manage to do something helpful to our detective. No surprise, Dex gets to be belligerent and pretend to Not Care while actually Caring Very Much. Day saved, Dex goes to Grey’s bar where she toasts with her tiny chosen family, and just before the closing shot, Hot Detective shows up to give her a case which ‘may help keep her out of trouble’ and definitely will launch a season’s worth of sleuthing storylines.

You’ll notice every scene does something to establish tone, tell us about character(s) and their relationships to each other, tells us about Dex’s backstory / personality, and forward the episode’s central mystery. A few scenes only do three of the four, but that’s still plenty.

If this post feels very “then this happened, then that” – it is. A pilot is often paint-by-numbers because it has a lot to accomplish. You don’t need to mess with proven formulas, just make sure the characters and story, and the cinematography and wardrobe and actors you paint them with, are fascinating enough.

  Stray Observations

*pun intended

– Dex and Ansel’s ‘hey sis’ and ‘hey sib’ is the most eye-rollingly-obvious bit of exposition, especially since ‘sis’ was enough. I’d even buy ‘Sib’ was a slip of the tongue / actor’s nickname, but they sure didn’t ADR it.

– In addition to giving Soccer City continual plugs, Ansel’s love of soccer is an easy device to have him wherever the story needs; in this case, kicking a ball just out of danger when Dex gets abducted. Clever.

– I’d kill to see them include some Thorns gear in Ansel’s mix. Plus, a Christine Sinclair jersey would continue their wink to Cobie Smulders’s Canadian origins (they riff on this further in Ep 2).

– The backseat of Dex’s car is covered not only in unpaid parking tickets, but empty energy drink cans and cassette tapes. Props to the set dressers who also had to set up a bar before-and-while it opened, multiple rooms of Dex’s house, a skeezy motel, a casino backroom, and more.

– My favourite running gag is the number PORTLAND’S BEST ESPRESSO claims:

#Stumptown's pilot is the perfect Economy of Storytelling example. I've written before about the myriad of things which would go into Perfect TV Pilot Bingo…