#but I talked with my building manager and she helped releave a lot of my stress

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I'm so glad I like my boss and we get along well and I LOVE that she liked to share petty complaints and listens to mine. Genuinely love when people are like "Hell yeah, complaints are welcomed and ENCOURAGED!"

[gwassysworld-blog]

knocked up

back in 2000 before online dating was cool there were these things called chat lines that you would call into to meet people. It was really a way for prostitutes to work from home before craigslist. but it was also fun when ur bored to get fucked up and mess with people in the middle of the night.. well at least for me it was..

well one night on there i some how started talking to this guy from Cleveland, and he just wanted to talk, i don't remember details but i told him to come up to my work the next day so i could have a look at him.. and he did.. and i left with him.. He took me back to his house in Cleveland and told me his whole life story on the way out there.. how he was 26, surprisingly the same age i had told him i wouldn't date older than. that his grandma raised him because his mom was a “wall licker” and was in a mental hospital.. that he was married, and had a 4 year old son, but the mother had taken him and moved away and he hadn't seen him in 2 years. he went on to tell me that this caused him to have a vasectomy so he never had to go through this experience again.. ya know pull at the heart strings.. i don't no really what he was trying.. but hey it worked, he was in me unprotected that night.. i hung out with him for about a week or so, until we went to get beer one night and he was carded.. I heard that cashier say “you don't look 32.” .....32? but u said u were 26... we got out to the car and i told him i wanted him to take me home. Theres one thing i don't like in life and its liars, u can lie about knowing me to other people, but don't lie to me. Instead of taking me home he drove back to his house. and told me to go in and get my things. good thinking, don't want to leave those behind. We got inside and he sat down and told me he wasn't going to take me home that i needed to get over it ... you don't tell me what to do.. its just never worked that way.. my parents tell me enough what not to do, i wasn't going to have a man tell me.. it escalated very quickly.. but like i said i hadn't know this guy that long.. right out hes lying about his age.. and i wasn't that interested either.. so i went to grab the phone to call my mom, a struggle happened and my head went through a wall.... i ran out of his house down to this convenient on the corner and called my mom and had her come pick me up... one psycho down..

me and my mom had a great talk on our way home. i think it was just like a tipping point.. i knew things were out of control and i didn't no what to do with my life. and she was my mom i should be able to talk to her about these things.. not so much.. i even told her i was cutting and she looked at me like i was crazy, i told her about a night when i was about 15 and out in the garage with my dad and one of his friends, they were partying and his friend grabbed me and kissed me and grabbed my ass, right in front of my dad, my dad laughed, i bit his lip.. yup her response, even to this day.. that never happened... My parents were swingers with this guy and his wife so i think it was more of a we cant open up any can of worms talking about this guy... or she just didn't care. which was shocking to me because in her crazy night time talks she would have with my dad when they thought we were all sleeping, i had heard her talk one night about how she had an uncle that forced her to do things to him. i figured she would definetly get it.. well this solidified the fact that i can never talk about what happened when i was younger.. this shit just had to stay bottled up.. she didn't care.. i stayed up the whole night crying and cutting the shit out of my arms. i just wanted to figure something out, i just wanted to get out of my parents house, i just wanted someone to want me, someone to talk to.. everything around me was falling apart, danny had pulled a knife on lisa cause he found out she cheated on him.. and i was like their kid stuck in the middle until they both quit and forgot about me. and slight friendship i had with anyone from school was over, either cause i slept with their boyfriend or they had left for college.. and here i am working in a pizza shop, walking to work..

So i go to work the next day and its just me and billy working the afternoon shift. All through high school our “sex” was a big secret but he was my friend, we would sit and talk for hours every night and he knew.. he knew me.. he knew everything. He also knew it was strange when i walked in with a long sleeve shirt on a 85 degree day to a pizza shop with no air conditioning.. he said something .. half joking half not asking if i had moved onto heroin and was covering my tracks..  no man, and the tears just started again, i pulled up my sleeves and fell to the ground, like someone please just hold me I'm cracking up.. and he did, he ran over and took the phone off the hook and he got down on the ground with me and wrapped his arms around me and just held me.. and then we had sex.... on the floor..  dignified.. right.. even in my weakest moments all i was ever seen for was sex.. but that was life and that was normal.. afterwards he told me about how he had an older sister that also would cut and told me of a place to go to get help and to call him whenever i needed someone.

well you know after you have an extreme lava flow of emotions sometimes you see things more clearer... well i do.. it always feels like when i finally let it all out i feel so much better.. i called that place and went to one counciling meeting.. but it was an eye opener i guess.. like time to figure some thing out.. partying like ur parents isn't going to get you anywhere.. so i started to make a plan.. stopped going out and stayed home with my sisters every night. i had this great plan that i would move out and get custody of them, but i needed to at least be there for them for now, they were still young, and it wasn't fair i was running away from them all the time because i didn't want to be stuck in that house, but i forgot they were there by themselves to see it.

alright so I'm on the right track, a month or so goes by and i start getting really sick to my stomach .. a lot! oh, let me think about this.. i haven't had my period in a month or so... oh shit.. i took 3 different pregnancy tests in various fast food bathrooms.. all coming back the same.. damn girl your pregnant...

my mom was the first one i told.. i couldn't keep it from her very long... she cried, but not in disappointment, she cried because she was so excited she was going to be a grandma.. then my brother called and she told him “guess whos pregnant?” i guess he had an ow shit moment, like who called you, who did i knock up, but was greatly releaved when she told him it was me.  My older younger sister didn't really care, but my youngest sister was really embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know... my mom also told my dad who didn't speak to me for almost 4 months... but that was it.. no talk about future, no talk about what i should do.. your pregnant, your pregnant, will figure it out, get up time to go make the pizzas.

it was starting to get colder out so the general manager picked me up for work.. i got in and he offered me a cigarette and i declined.. hes like what the heck your not pregnant are you... totally in a joking way.. he had no idea.. and i could tell by the look on his face when he saw the look on my face when he asked.. he was like holy shit.. you are...? and he quickly followed with.. its not billys is it?

what? i mean? we don't sleep together?

he was like stop seriously everyone knows..

well ya its billys and i guess i have to tell him..

great... i think i told him that day.. i don't really remember.. he didn't take it horribly.. i mean he didn't get pissed off or bring up abortion.. mostly like hey ur 18, I'm 19, our lives are kinda crazy right now, i still have a girlfriend.. what the fuck.. he also asked if i was sure it was his..

think back.. yup its yours.. i hadn't been with anyone else.. since that creepy guy and he had a vasectomy, yup sorry its yours.. ok will get thru this..

he didn't want his parents to know tho, not right away anyways, and i totally respected that, so did everyone we worked with, and outside of my family, no one really knew.

I got a full time job working for this electronics distributor. My parents were swinging with the owner of the company and his wife so it was an easy in...so i did that  during the day and was slinging pizzas at night. It was kinda funny cause after i told billy about the job he made me aware that his sister and aunt also works in the building so don't get chummy with the wrong people... this job sucked... but i was making money, and i was pregnant, so i was doing things right.. i didn't have anything to spend my money on so i just saved and bought a car. all i did was work and spend time with my sisters. Billy was around he would take me to appointments, but he had a girlfriend.. and that wasn't me..

Eventually my dad started talking to me again, after coming home drunk a shit one night and asking me to drive him to a different bar.. we never made it out of the driveway .. he just broke down in tears telling me how shitty of a dad he is and how hes going to be the best grandpa and always love this kid.. i had heard my dad cry several times to me like this about being a shitty dad.. it was always when he was drunk and supposibly moving out.. secretly back then i always hoped he just would already, but then he would pass out and the next morning things would be back to normal.. this situation wasn't much different.. i really didn't care about the things he was saying to me.. he never really talked to me anyways so this wasn't that big of a deal that he hadn't been.. i wasn't affected anyways.. but he said he would always love this baby and i hoped he meant it..

shortly after that my dad called billys parents and let them in on all the news as well... I guess they took it well.. i met his mom and his sister for the first time at dinner at applebees.. by this time I'm like 6 months pregnant.. she was the sweetest lady and i cant say that enough about her.. it was kinda weird that i had never met her before.. but when i was at billys it was for parties when they were out of town.. so.. we didn't cross paths i guess.. she told me that night though that her and billy had a long talk about the baby.. that billy still wasn't positive if it was his but that her family wanted to be very supportive through the rest of the pregnancy but they wanted a paternity test.. so i guess u can see where this is going.. billy continued to take me to my appointments.. his family went out huge for the baby shower... and at 3 oclock in the morning when my water broke they were the first ones i called and they were at the hospital before  got there...

well mainly because at 3 oclock in the morning by brother and his friend were just walking in drunk.. and my mom and dad followed... drunk... both my sisters woke up from all the commotion so theres all of us standing in the kitchen and I'm like ok ass holes my water broke whos sober enough to get me to the hospital. so my dad drove me, with my mom in the front and i laid in the back and my dad had my brother and his friend follow him with my sisters and gave him instructions to stay close and not let a cop get behind him, because got forbid someone gets a dui tonight, just get me to the hospital.

the labor was so quick, i remember getting there and they gave me an epidural right away which made me shake uncontrollably and scared my sisters because they though something was wrong.. and then minutes later i felt like i had to poop and they were like shit here comes the baby.. he was born by 6 in the morning.. and there he was .. my beautiful little boy.. my little boy that i knew had just joined me on this journey against the world.. living in my parents basement.. but i wasn't scared.. i knew no matter what things would work out.. i would figure it out.. at least i really freaking thought so.. he was mine and i had to get through this..

being a mom became more routine than anything.. i went back to work and dropped the weight right away.. i was back to me.. not pregnant.. T would be up every night.. all night.. he was so colicky.. then i would get up, go to work and he would be with my mom during the day. i quit the pizza shop so i could be at home with him in the evenings, and billy was taking him every weekend. things went pretty easy for the first 4 months.. i had this working mom thing down..

then the paternity test results came back... Billy you are not the father...