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[gwassysworld-blog]

closure

moving in together was kinda crazy at first, we were blending familes.. but we made it work.. my family loved him, his family loved me, and surprisingly even though it was so sudden we had every ones support, well at least the ones that mattered. And bonus my sister lives 2 blocks away. L started kindergarten, T was in 7th grade and jos kids were in 9th and 12th. we had it all covered and we had so much fun doing it. Things were not always easy though. I finally got a diagnosis for T and he was put on the autism spectrum. which gave us a lot of clarity as to his issues, and made us realize a lot of issues wont ever change but we needed to change. He got heavily involved in the drama club which seemed to help him a lot, and the schools here are amazing. I got very involved in Ls school PTA and she got very involved in sports. and jo hussled, that man works his ass off every single day.. we fight every so often but bottom line was no fight was ever worth it.. shortly after we started dating we took a trip to s. Carolina with some friends and family. I remember finding out another couple that was with us had been together for 3 years, I asked jo where he saw us in 3 years and he said married..

well by year 2 we were engaged. He proposed to me in our family room with a ring that I ordered. But that didn't matter. I was going to be Mrs. O and that was amazing. We were finally going to be a family. Someone finally loved me enough to take on all this craziness and want to stick around.. I stll think he is crazy at times.. but I think he needs us as much as we need him.

Planning the wedding was the best time, I definetly complained a lot about the process, but everyone was so supportive and helpful. and 2 weeks after what was 3 years of us being together, I became Mrs. O. which was absolutely the most beautiful day of my life! My cheeks felt bruised the next day from smiling so much. I never ever thought, after all we had been thru that I would ever get to experience a day like this.. where everyone that meant something to us, came together to celebrate such and amazing step in our lives. and most importantly I married my best friend.

he didn't care about my health issues, my past, Ts issues, having to deal with Ls crazy dad issues, nothing mattered but us. No One has ever put that much effort into us. He is my absolute rock! I just always pray that I live up to being his rock as well.

so.......... TODAY

T is currently almost 16. He is finishing up his sophomore year of high school. he has managed to keep a 3.5 gpa even though he is failing some of his core classes. The schools work with me as much as possible but ultimately it is up to what T wants for his future. Because no matter how much the school helps him, there will not always be someone there to hold his hand.. besides me of course. Next year he will be going to a career center to learn computer programming and software design. Something that was a very hard decision because it meant he could not take a drama class for the 3rd year in a row.. but after some explaining about his future and not knowing if college will be an option for him.. I think and hope he finally understands that this will be the best plan for him.

me and T had a lot of ups and downs throughout his life. .. obviously.. but being so young .. there were so many things I could of done better, so many more things I wish I knew, or choices I could have made. Today I focus most on making sure T is happy. We recently renewed the restraining order against Barry and we are waiting to hear the results.. dun dun dun.. but we have decided that we let Barry control enough of our past, we wont let him effect our future any longer.. T did come out as gay a few years ago.. we don't know if this has to do with what happened to him, or the fact that most of his life he was just raised by me, or if its his autism.. or hes just gay.. who knows, I just want him to be happy.. at first I was freaked out, like come on kid u have enough against you.. but the more I sat back, the more I realized that now a days.. especially kids that he hangs out with in drama.. no one cares.. T is still T no matter what. He may be with me forever, but future goal is after high school me and him will go to college together.. I will finally go to school! my as well when he is 18, he will be the same age as when I had him. And I have to say looking at where he is now, compaired to where I was when I was his age.. T you are doing a fantastic job!!

L.. L still sees her dad every other weekend.. he has the ability to see her more but chooses not to.. it breaks my heart because she knows this and is often left disappointed by him, but honestly, its probably whats best.. She has a great life outside of him. She is doing great in school, she has a lot of friends and she is my little ninja ostritch, full of personality and always moving... sometimes very crabby but... little girls.. I absolutely love spending time with her as much as I can.

And me.. after I got out of the nursing home my drs. really couldn't help me anymore because they had messed up my muscle biopsy and the only way was to do it again.. which would of meant that whole process over again... I said no thanks.. and gave up on pursuing an actual diagnosis.. but along the way I have had other issues pop up.. ive struggled with ibs issues, heart issues, splean issues, colon issues, and cervical cancer issues.. the winters are very hard on me and all I want to do is sleep.. its hard.. I have this perfect amazing life right now, and all I want to do is keep up.. and it feels like so many people are depending on me.. which they really are, and I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone. My mother in law wants me to take over her farmers market, which is probably definetly above my physical abilities, but it would still be a great opportunity.. and me and my husband are opening a catering / food truck business.. and I need to be there.. I need to be focused and pain free.. most days tho I cant go 10 minutes without a muscle cramping up and needing to take a nap from the exhaustion and pain from it.. but I keep trying to push thru.. I finally have a life to enjoy.. its finally here.. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

writing this book has been very therapeutic for me. I got out so much that I needed to.. there were so many times when I wanted to stop writing, when I wanted to delete things and was to worried about what family or friends that might read this will think.. or who I was going to hurt.. but the thing is.. most of my life I hurt.. and this was for me. This is my life... Gwassys world..

[gwassysworld-blog]

whos Jason?

so here we go! I'm on my feet! literally... I couldn't take being in the wheel chair, I worked my ass of to strengthen my legs back up.. and I learned real quick what I would do to end up back where I was.. I was on my feet and ready to live this life. It was time to have some normalcy. 

I signed L up for preschool, T was in middle school and other than bullying and administrative issues, was doing really well. I ended up having to kick that family out.. unfortunately I gave them a place to live but they didn't hold up their end of the bargain.. they hid in their room their whole time and let the kids run savage thru the house.. never paid me any money.. and after a big snow storm and I had to shovel the driveway and then come in and wash all their dinner dishes while watching their 2 year old sit on a training potty in my family room infront of the tv.. while yes they were hiding in their room.. I told them it was time to go. figure it out man! and they did, the next day while I was at the store they grabbed the majority of their stuff and left... I came home to a bedroom literally stormed on with dirty diapers and garbage.. filthy pigs could of left it cleaner.. and surprisingly.. never heard from them again... middle finger to them.. but that's life.. it was time for us to get adjusted on our own anyways..

and we were good. a girl I went to school with got ahold of me and needed child care for her 2 boys. which was at the most perfect time! with my disability I was making enough simply to pay my bills.. the little extra money watching her kids gave us the little up to be able to actually leave the house .. I started making friends in the area, dated a little bit.. everything was just moving forward.. and where do things go when they start moving forward...

so I'm dating this guy and hes trying to impress me and buys me tickets to a concert for my birthday... well 2 days before my birthday he finds someone better to take and they are no longer my tickets... really? so I'm telling my mom about this and shes like well I haven't gotten your present yet, ill get u tickets and watch T, L was with her dad..., find a friend and go.. so me and my friend tiffany went... she got so freaking drunk and puked in the car the whole way home.. but we had so much fun.. end of the night she went home with some guy and I went home by myself.. the house was so quiet.. but it was peaceful.. and things for once finally felt right in my life.. so the next morning I'm laying in bed being lazy playing on Facebook, and that section comes across of people you may know.. so I'm scanning thru the pictures, when this gorgous bald, tan, tattooed guy in sunglasses crosses my screen.. and it says hes from my hometown? really.......? so I click... Jason O$%&^%* that name doesn't look familiar.. and he just made this profile today.. hmmmmm ... wtf do I have to lose.. so I send him a private message.. something classy.. along the lines of “Hey your hot! I don't know if I know you but I should!” ... yes seriously.. but like I said what did I have to lose..? few seconds later

“Gwassy, its JO” ..... jo? jo? jo? oh holy shit.. the jo that lived at the end of my street and dated my friend when we were in high school? that jo? “yes” well I never knew ur last name, ur just JO...  “so what are u doing today, u want to go for a ride?” this was him asking me.. maybe he felt like he had nothing to lose as well cause he went right for it.. either that or he just really wanted something to do.. either way I was laying there in my drunkin stentch from the night before and needed to get in the shower.. I told him to give me about an hour and he was there in like 45 minutes.. and then he walked in.. it was like quick small talk and before I knew it I was on the back of his bike and we went and got lunch, and then road off to the lake..

the whole way to the lake my stomach for cramping up so badly between new health issues starting up, and the hangover, and greasy bar food from lunch, it honestly took everything in me not to puke down the back of him.. but out of know where he put his hand back on my leg and all was calm.. until we got there, then I ran to the bathroom and disappeared for about 20 minutes.. hi, ya, great first impression.. I figured when I came out he would have left, but there he was looking all cool smoking his cigarette, big smile on his face, laughing and asking if I was all right... ahh yah.. ok. so I kinda explained to him some of my health issues, told him about my kids, he told me about his kids and then he took me home.. because my kids would be home soon.. and having him over for pizza for dinner sounded like a good idea.. NOTE I normally do not just bring guys around my kids.. but at this time I didn't want to say goodbye yet.. mostly because I really felt something.. and normally when I would say bye I wouldn't see them again.. he stuck around, had pizza, played with the kids, watched some movies.. put the kids to bed.. and then we had the most amazing boning ever.. a few times.. even tho I told him he could stay cause we had a few drinks but told him no funny business.. the funny business happened.. he was up and out in the morning by 5am.. had to get to work. I woke up with a smile regardless..

at that point I honestly figured he was a fly by night.. but then by lunch time he texted me.. wants to see me again? bring over dinner tonight to cook? oh u wanna cook? ya.. so jo became an every day thing. I found out he had just broken up with some girl, and she had 30 days to get out of his house.. so he stayed at my house while that happened.. then the time came that she moved out and he was able to go home.. at that point I definetly figured it was over.. he didn't need this anymore...

but what if he actually wanted this? we kept seeing each other, going back and forth between the 2 houses.. I remember him introducing me to his sons girlfriend as me being his girlfriend.. within a few weeks I packed up my house and the kids, and we moved to another new city.. all in about 2 months time from meeting him.. everyone thought we were crazy! the only back up was that his rental was put into my name incase anything happened I would get to stay at his house.. but other than that I ran on fate. I loved this guy, and waking up next to him every day seemed like a really amazing idea! time to start a new chapter.. happy times!

[gwassysworld-blog]

the bottom of the bottom

i checked out of the nursing home and me and my wheel chair were on the move home. luckily my house was a ranch and my dad installed some ramps to make it easier for me to get in and out. I learned to drive with my left foot. made some adjustments around the house, but all and all being in a wheel chair wasn't so difficult. the hardest part was watching Tyler struggle to get the wheel chair in and out of the trunk of the car once I got into the drivers seat. but we were a team.. mentally though it wasn't ok, I didn't like seeing my kids see me like this.. worrying I would be gone again, ending up back in the hospital.. I was approved for disability now and knew I wouldn't be going back to work.. but I refused to be stuck in the wheel chair and got myself in outpatient therapy as soon as I could... and the friend and his family moved in.. They had 2 little girls that we put bunk beds in Ls room. Him and his wife and their 2 year old took the extra room on the back of the house.. and with all that we had a month of some what normalcy.. here comes the bottom again..

its a sunday evening and Tyler and the 2 girls are playing monopoly at the table. L was away for the weekend with her her dad, and like clockwork was dropped off when she was supposed to. She comes in by herself, which was normal. a few years back I had pressed charges against Barry for telephone harassment, He couldn't handle sticking to talking to me about just L and would get very threatening.. he plead guilty.. couldn't really deny the texts, and was told he could not have telephone, internet, ect.. communication with me indefinetly.. so we started doing everything thru one of his relatives, who ever was available at the time or he hadn't pissed off at the moment.. and this person had also agreed to do pick up and drop offs as well so that things didn't esculate. So L walks in and announces, “Mama, my Daddy was in the car he dropped me off tonight.” she was kinda excited like it was a big deal and at the same time kinda taddeling on him. I said something along the lines of he shouldn't of done that.. and one of the girls piped up at the table and asked “why shouldn't her dad be here???”

out of know where T blurted out “Because her dad made me touch his penis”... just like that.. no emotion.. kinda the same thing, he was irritated.. he was freaking out knowing that barry was at our house, and he just blurted it out. I couldn't even take the time to see how the other kids reacted to this.. my mind was on T. I froze and told him to go to his room.. my heart sunk.. he hadn't discussed this since years ago when I first left barry, even with all the counciling he never wanted to talk about it.. now hes just blurting it out. I went down to his room and gave him the biggest hug and I just couldn't let go. I asked him, T is this something you are ready to talk about now? He told me no and we just sat there and hugged and cried.. I had so many feelings, so much anger, so much worry about him and lex, so much guilt for bringing this man around my son, so much guilt that I have a child with this man, and guilt for feeling that because how much I love L. it was hard... but I had to get it together, there were other people in this house and I needed to figure this out. so I got the kids to bed and cried myself to bed on the couch.. its like every time.. just let me move forward..

So the next day the kids all went to school and I sat at home, talked to my mom, and some friends and tried to figure out what I need to do. T all ready has all these other mental health issues going on. and my health, and L goes to see him, is she safe? but what do I do?

I didn't have to ask that question very long.. after dinner that evening there was a knock on my door from children services. During the day one of the girls told her teacher what T had said.. the teacher reported it to children services and suddenly they were very concerned. The woman came in and explained all this and why she was here. She asked to talk to T in private.. they went in his room and about an hour later came out.. T told her everything. He said that when he was in kindergarten Barry was home to watch him when he got off the bus, that he walked in and Barry was watching growns ups wrestling naked on tv, and that he made him pull on his penis till he peed on his hand. and that Barry told him that if he ever told anyone that he would kill his family and cut off his genitals.. He had never wanted to talk about it because no one helps, and no one can save his family. .... The lady got on the phone right there and made an appointement for us to have to meet with a detective and a nurse from childrens advocacy center.. and the whole world spun around my head at 1000000 miles per hour, crushing in on me.

We went to the meeting the next day, he talked to everyone, his story never changed, he talked about it over and over.. and 2 days later when in his head barry should of been arrested and wasn't, T tried to kill himself.. my 10 year old.. I mean he tried to cut his arm open with a pencil and thought he could give himself lead poisonng.. so the plan wasn't that great, but the intent was there.. he didn't want to live he thought he put everyone in danger and it was all his fault. He was admitted into another psychiatric unit. This time for 7 days. In the mean time children services was leading me thru the motions.. I had to first get an emergency protective order with all of our names on it.. then I had to file with the courts and get barrys visitation suspended.. sign both kids back up for counceling.. oh yah hows that wheel chair going? by this point I was still using it here and there, but I also had a walker and I was getting stronger and learning a lot about what to push myself on... fuck my life at this point.. that's all I can say about this point in time... I filed and got an emergency protective order that had me, T and L all on it.. so that put a stop to him seeing L... so I thought.. I also Filed with the the court for visitation.. well that judge didn't like that I was keeping L from her dad since at this point no charges still had been filed against barry.. the prosecutor was having a really hard time because there was 1. no physical evidence and 2. it would be he said she said and the person they need was in no mental state to be able to do anything. .... the judge told me that the protective order did not over rule the current visitation order that said he had rights to see L and he gave me a suspended 30 day jail sentence for keeping him from her and had to get the restraining order amended to have L taken off of it.. A lawyer would of probably been nice through all of these proceedings.. but children services made me push through it all and didn't really give me time to get my finances in order... not like I really had any considering my income was disability.. but I got fucked.. long run nothing.. not a damn thing came out of all of this... children services supstantiated that it was true, barry did sexually abuse T. But they couldn't charge him.. and until he actually does something to L, he gets to see her.. but the restraining order is in place for me and T.. and that just means hes definetly not aloud to show up.. and for Tylers mental state, that piece of paper has been enough.. it makes him feel safe.

after that I knew that I just had to focus on one thing.. and that was on my end, I just needed to give my kids the best life that I could.. that family moved out, and it was me and them against the world.. and I was ok with that.. if we could make it through all that we could do anything.. that was the bottom of the bottom.. but I wasn't going to let it effect our future. we had a new life to build.. we were finally living on our own and things only had one way to go!

[gwassysworld-blog]

every time things are looking up.. the bottom drops out.. or the legs..

My dad found this house a few cities over. small, 3 bedroom, but a lot of land, and good schools..  My baby sister graduated college and she moved with us. I got some tax money and with child support was able to get a car and was back working. It was a really tight fit in the house.. but unfortunanetly it didn't last long. My Pap got really sick. he had been fighting cancer for about 15 years on and off.. cancer in his bones that he got from back when he was in the Marines corps. Something about tainted water at Camp Laguene. Well the VA hospitals were taking care of him and did a good job.. But the last time the cancer came back he was done fighting.. he didn't even tell anyone. We went over to the house one day for his birthday and he was laying face down on the couch in excrutiating pain. My dad and his brother kept saying how they wanted to get him to the hospital and my Nan was yelling but we didn't even do cake yet, we have to do cake. They took him to the hospital and he never made it home for cake. He died a few days later. We found out afterwards that it was because the cancer had come back and he had known for some months now. My mom and dad quickly moved into my Nans big house, the house I grew up in when i was very little.. to help her with the up keep and the property. Which left Me and my youngest sister and the kids with the house. My mom and dad were living at Nans rent free so he continued to pay the rent on the house we were living. Gave us a year and told us to both basically save enough to get on our feet when the lease was up. my dad can be a freakin ass hole .. but this wasn't the first of the last he has gone above to make sure me and my kids had a house. He has always tried to do for us.. he just didn't do so well showing love.. it was just his way.

I hussled that year. I was working for a company cleaning houses, had a side business cleaning houses, worked part time at a gas station, was doing paperwork for some crazy cat guy who owned a limo company. L was set up in a great daycare/ preschool and T was in a great school system that i was finally able to get him a 504 to be able to help in his classes. The kid was smart but his organization and ability to pay attention in the class wasn't there.. no other school was helping him and compaired to what he got on state tests and what he got in the  class grade wise didn't match up at all. now i say this 504 helped.. but its been a struggle every year since. but never the less we were pushing thru.. but my health was getting worse and worse. My legs were killing me and if i was working, even between jobs, all my body wanted to do was sleep.

That year went very quickly and it was time for me to pay my own way. We found our own 3 bedroom house in a different city and we were moving again. My youngest sister did some house hopping with different relatives until she ended up in her own apartment and she to is doing very well now! The first few months in the new house went great. I was being a mom on my own. And then one day i went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain in my leg ever. It cramped up so badly it felt like someone was smashing it with a brick.. and it didn't go away.. finaly after a few days i went to the drs. they ran some tests and realized that my body was releasing to many enzimes and my organs were being effected. so i was hospitalized for a few days.. after i rested and they got things under control they sent me home to do in home physical therapy and i had a walker. the pain did not subside in my leg and i could not bear any weight on it... so so much for cleaning houses.. or doing anything really.. but i kept pushing.. i had kids to raise.. i pushed and i pushed and i pushed myself right back into the hospital. this time both my legs were effected and i could barely walk. After a lot of testing this time they figured out that I had a form of muscular dystrophy. that i had it my whole life and that the issues got worse over time. all my cramp cramp cramping wasn't just growing pains as dismissed as before. the over use of my muscles causes muscle waisting. so the more movement i do the more damage i cause. and the repair process takes a lot longer of a time. After this time i the hospital they could not just sent me home to be in my own house with my kids. I was in a wheel chair and needed intense physical and occupational therapy. I had to go to in inpatient rehab facility .. aka a nursing home. and my kids were back living with my parents for a few months..

This nursing home was a nightmare. I arrived late in the evening via ambulance, and they rolled me thru the freak show all started to pop their heads out of their doors. this wasn't a normal nursing home, this was a state ran facility for people who received government assistance.. most were homeless with medical or mental issues and were not elderly at all.. they put me in my room and gave me my nightly meds. a crazy cocktail of morphine, percosets, and oxycoton and told me to have a nice night.. the first night was not a nice night at all.. i cried in bed all night as i heard the screams of other patients.. huge different than being in a normal hospital... and just the how the hell did i get here feeling.. why now?

I ended up staying there for a month or so and saw a lot of things that were ridiculous. they kept all the patients drugged so that they could not get better and would have to stay. it was a guaranteed pay check for the facility since they were getting government payments. ANd the people who were there were either to in educated or week willed to be able to care.. and honestly it wouldn't of mattered to most of them because they had no where else to go. But i did.. I had a home and I had 2 little kids.. and I needed to get back to them. I pushed and fought the whole way.. everything from them only wanting me to be able to shower once a week, to getting the dr to lower my meds. I was supposed to have therapy 3 times a day, they only waned to do it once.. There was a time when i needed assistance in my room and had pushed the button for a nurse.. 45 minutes went by.. finally a nurse showed up and i asked him what would of happened if i had fallen and got hurt.. and it took him 45 minutes to get to my room.. he said well hopefully u would of just laid there.. right like there would be other options.. I couldn't take it in there and they were not doing anything for me that i couldn't do at home. They wanted me there for 6 months.. after a little over a month i signed myself out, took my wheel chair and went home. ill figure it out.. i always have.. and i did. when i got home i was using the wheel chair but the pain in my legs was subsiding enough that i could also use a walker. and while i was in the nursing home i had a visit from an old friend who had this great plan. Him and his wife, 3 kids were about to be evicted from their home.. they could come stay with me for a few months to help around the house, pay me a little bit a month in rent and save so they could get a place.. i figured i need as much help as i could and until my disability money kicked in that would be a great idea. i had the space. and i needed the help. perfect. back home i went!

[gwassysworld-blog]

the big house with to many problems

Things were a lot different moving back in with my parents this time.. I was 27 and a single mom of 2 kids. No car, and no job. Thank god my parents were now living in a huge 4 bedroom home... right? no they couldn't afford that shit either. While we stayed there they had a blow torch heater down in their finished basement that would be pointed to blow up the stairs to heat the house because the gas had been turned off a year prior an never paid to have it turned back on. Brings back memories of when I was little and our electricy would get shut off and my mom would run an extension cord from our neighbors outdoor outlet on the side of their house, thru our back door, and attach it to our fridge so we could at least keep that running. Thankfully in this house they kept the electric on. Just needed some extra blankets.

My mom was working nights and would sleep all day, my dad was working days and would drink at the bars all night.. they would fight non stop during this time whenever they were around each other.. mainly because my dad had lost his driver home from the bar and he was cheating non stop.... my youngest sister was away at college finishing up her last year by now, she would come home occasionally on weekends and holidays and that was about the only thing I looked forward to while living in that house. My other sister had graduated college by now and she was married and living in a house that she owned. ill say now I am so proud of how both of my sisters turned out! My brother at this time had been medically discharged from the marine corps after being in for 7 years. Around this time his relationship with his wife was also turned upside down when she took their 2 kids and moved to west Virginia.. that's his story to tell as theres a ton of sides to that story.. but to his kids. just know that we did not leave you, I spent weeks where u lived just hoping to see you. Your mama made it very difficult for us but we love you both very much. .... it has been 7 years since we have scene my brothers kids. honestly I don't blame his wife, no one was stable at the time when she took off.

T! My T was around 8 at the this time.. and oh my god, out of control! Everything you told him not to do or say he intentionally did, still does.. and if you didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted it, he would throw these awful temper tantrums to where I would have to hold him to the floor all the time. sometime for hours until he would calm down.. I didn't understand it. His psychiatrist and doctors all said he had oppositional defiancy disorder, he was also diagnosed with adhd, and severe anxiety.. so on top of every thing else going on in the home T just could stay out of the snack cupboard.. all hours of the night.. or jumping from the couch to my moms glass table and jumping right through it, or lighting 500 matches in the basement and hiding them behind their couch. or when I sent him out to the bus one day and got a call from the school a few hours later saying that he wasn't there.. made me panic ran outside thinking my god where could he be, only to see that he had tucked himself in in the back seat of my moms car in the garage and went to sleep.... instead of going to the bus stop.. and school was rough for him, by this time we all ready knew just how smart he was. but kids were ass holes.. he didn't have friends really, it didn't help we moved so much, but he just wanted to read, he hated sports, and couldn't calm down long enough to care.

and behind all of this was my boogie. my sassy pepperoni. L! My baby. she was about 18 months when I left her dad. Shes never realy known us at together. infact shes really probably only known us as hating each other. Which is not ideal for any child. kids should always have 2 parents that can get along even if its forced just to show their children how relationships work. You make a child, that child needs to be your first priority and you put all the other bull shit aside to make that work.. Oh if it was that easy.. From the start he wanted to see his daughter. and he would take her every other weekend.. and bring her home with soaking wet diapers smelling like a dirty dish rag.. once or twice she would have a baggy in her diaper bag filled with dirty diapers and her sippy cups, yup in one bag.. ok new dad challenges and hes young. about the only credit barry will ever get from me is that he does want L in his life.. his intentions for her being there might not be that great, but she doesn't know that. ..... in the very beginning we worked together ok with her. I mean child support got set up and we filed for court ordered visitation.. what else could possibly go wrong??

So months or so go by... Me and my brother are sitting in my moms family room hanging out. and T comes strolling in. And very matter affactly he looks at me and my brother and says that the needs to tell us something that's been bothering him. Ok T go on.

“Barry made me touch him”

“what do you mean Barry made you touch him, we haven't lived with barry in awhile and what do you mean touch?”

He very bluntly went on to tell us that when he was 5 and we lived in the kent house. I was working full time before I got pregnant with L and Barry was getting him on and off the bus. One time when he came home ..

“Barry was watching naked people wrestle on tv. He had his pants down. He made me pull on his peeper till he peed on my hand. and he told me not to tell. and hes gone I need to tell.”

WTF

so me and my brother take T to the local police department who just so happen do not have anyone available who can take a statement from a child.. I fould out a few years later that that police department should of referenced us to going to the police department in the city that the incident took place.. but they didn't do that.. instead they said they would have someone from children services come out to talk to T. Honestly almost 2 weeks went by before that happened. They sent some heavy set old man out. who wanted to use a baby doll and a diagram to talk to T. T had better plans of hiding under the table and not wanting to talk to the guy what so ever. So children services suggested counciling. which he was all ready in, but that they would contact his councelor about this incident and have them look more into it. ball dropped... and in the mean time.. my parents had dropped the ball on their mortgage as well. the house had forclosed and sold at auction and we were moving again.. why the fuck not..

[gwassysworld-blog]

introducing L

back on my feet again.. I'm working part time, T is in preschool, I have a vehicle to get me here to there.. but I'm still stuck at my parents.. and I still am missing something.. I think through out my whole life all I ever wanted was to be loved.. every time tho it was either a secret or it took way to much work.. T wasn't even a very lovey baby.. but at this point in my life I had no idea what love was. Everyone constantly leaves for better options. People in my life have always been situational, and when the situation changed so did the people. I haven't had anyone, aside from my sisters that have been around my hole life.. except for this year...

Randomly I went on a blind date one night to go hear a band play.. it was redicuously far away and this band seemed like a high school rock off... and the blind date wasn't that great. I some how struck up a conversation with the guitar player for the band, asking him if he knew how to play a song.. found out he actually lived near me.. with his parents... and that he was in high school.. well a second year senior.. he was almost 19.. by this time I'm like 24.. not a huge difference in age.. but I had a 4 year old.. I seriously sit back and think about this and I'm like what the fuck was wrong with you.. we started hanging out all the time... I would get off work, pick tyler up from preschool, pick him up from high school and then go have dinner with his parents.. the kids at his school probably thought I was his mom and T was his little brother.. I bet that's what he told them anyways.. He was a situational person that really got out of hand.. I think I saw him as someone who would have to love me.. what 19 year old wouldn't want to say they were dating someone older.. His backround was even crazier than mine.. but it got me out my parents house, it was something to do. and it was the first guy I had ever dated that was ok with T being around.. which I mean makes sense they were both kids.. Barry and his little brother and his dad would all wrestle around after dinner and T didn't get it.. He hasn't had any men in his life up until this.. my dad was never around or took interest and his dad was invisible.. So T would jump in there to wrestle and I remember the one time he bit someone.. Rules? what rules? Barry slammed T. it was wrestling.. no big deal.. Well someone at my moms house thought it was a big deal and called children services.. I was like are u kidding me.. they hated the fact that I was dating a 19 year old.. they thought he was a little off and I just figured this was their plan on trying to control me.. So children services shows up at my parents.. talks to my parents for 5 minutes and gets a real good sense of the alcolohalic life style that surrounds them.. In stead of investigating Barry.. they decide that my living situation is not ok and set up for me to live in government housing.. Within like a week I was in my own little home .... and take that Barrys moving in with me.. I got a full time job and he was there to get T on and off the bus.. it worked I thought

shortly after I moved children services were called again.. and nothing was found to be wrong again.. but I should of taken the hint.. but I had what I thought were bigger problems.. After I had T I was diagnosed with endometriosis, severe cramping and bleeding during ur period for those who might not know.. and also my cramp cramp cramping that I would get through out my body was getting worse. I had an apt with one of my doctors that told me that even at 25, it was getting close to me not being able to have kids anymore.. so I panicked. I still wanted kids.. at least one more. and ive been raising T on my own this whole time ok, right? haha 25 year old thinking.. so lets get pregnant.. first Try it worked.. I didn't talk to my parents or sisters while I was pregnant, mostly they wouldn't talk to me.. they had a huge dislike for him and I couldn't see why, I just thought everyone didn't want me to be happy like they had my whole life.. and it didn't help I was on bed rest almost my whole pregnancy. Before I had the baby though it seemed like everyone had a change of heart. My stubbornness paid off I thought and everyone was just going to accept him because there was a baby coming and that's how it should be.

My parents got us into a trailer near where they were living now, they some how got my Pap to sign for a loan to have some huge house built. but they were supposibly buying the trailor as in investment, they were supposed to be paying the house payment as we paid the lot rent. L was born and everything seemed really ok for a very short period of time.. T was getting more and more out of control acting out and I had to get him into counceling, teachers were starting to complain and Barry didn't really know how to handle it. hell I didn't either.. After no time the guy who was selling the trailer contacted me and said that my parents had not been making any payments and that we had to get out. WTF my parents of course denied it and made up excuses.. no they were just fucking me over as usual.. and to top it off T threw a melt down at his councelors office and attacked this planted tree and they had him put in an impatient psychiatric unit.. my 7 year old.. In a hospital for suicidal kids and with severe mental disorders.. and there is a baby.. and my body was killing me.. I just wanted to escape..

I got T out of the hospital very quickly and stopped going to see that Dr. and got him in some where else .. we spent a few months living in Willoughby with his mom and step dad.. but I coudnt take it.. there was to much going on and on top of that they were recovering alcohalics who went to AA all the time.. and because at some point in my life I drank, I had to go to AA as well to be able to live with them.. have you ever been to AA, it makes u want to drink.. I felt bad cause always after the meeting I was like alright whos ready for the bar.. it took it as it was though since it got me out of the house. we didn't last there long and ended up at my parents house. transferring Ts school 3 times in 4 months.. and things with Barry just weren't good.. we ended up being able to get an apartment near my parents but I only lasted there a few months.. it was no longer what I wanted.. he was going through his early 20s and we were on completely different pages.. he couldn't handle T and how more and more he was having these melt downs, He couldn't handle a baby and he just wanted to party all the time. Last straw was he threw T into his beds head board while he was having a meltdown.. I quickly got the kids and our clothes a few toys and had my mom pick us up. I never got the rest of our stuff because the A hole abandoned out apartment.. but I was back on my own again.. and back at my parents again.. back to no car again.. but this time I had 2 kids, and it was again, time to start over....

[gwassysworld-blog]

Hello booze

22...... how do you start writing about the craziest year of your life.. not all of 22, and not a calendar year but what started when I was 22 and went on thru part of 23.... I started working at a bar that just opened up. My dad got an amazing job working for the president of the Browns and him and my mom were able to afford going out every night of the week. I remember my mom being happy at this point... which was weird because she had just lost her mom, but she was also drunk all the time.. My brother was still in the Marine corps but was back stationed in the States after he did a year in Japan. He met some girl at a rib burn off when he was home on leave and married her withing a few months at a court house. That girl was great.. I don't no what happened between them, but I miss who she was. ANyways.. My oldest younger sister was a senior in high school, and was doing it right.. she had amazing grades amazing friends and she was going places... Things were starting to effect her at home, but that's her story to tell.. WE had a lot of good times partying together that year. And then there was my youngest sister and T. looking back now I hate this year.. I Hate that all this was going on around them, I hate that T was pushed on my sisters a lot.. I hate what my little sister had to experience... I mean when I say everyone was going out partying every night.. it wasn't you sneak in the house quietly and go to bed.. My parents were having swinger parties in the hot tub they bought from the money my grandma left them when she died.. and poor little sisters bedroom window was right above said hot tub... Older younger sister did do a lot to help too.. something neither of those girls needed to have put on them.

so this bar.. ugh I hate writing sometimes, causes its like u want to get your story out but theres just some things that have happened in your life that you don't want to give attention to.. here goes..

so I start working at this bar.. It was a chain sport bar that just opened in a small city full of drinkers, so it was the place to be.. and I thought perfect to meet some people.. Everyone that worked there was great and I had this new crazy confidence in myself. I was invincible.. no one knew me there. I had short punk black hair and a bad ass attitude. well so I thought.. within a month of working there I remember I went in and changed after an afternoon shift and the short jean skirt I put on got the attention of one of the managers. Enter satan. we sat and drank at the bar all night.. and it never stopped soon every night I was drinking there after hours till 5 - 6 in the morning.. just in time to sneak out before the morning managers came in to open. The party never stopped and the drugs didn't either. we would drink all night and smoke some meth to get thru the next day.. he could party just as much as I could and its all either of us wanted to do. I remember in the beginning making him pinky swear that we would just stay friends.. I remember saying that and in my head thinking that that's what all guys want to hear from me.. before then every relationship I was in was a secret.. and this was no different.. he was my manager and I was an employee .. there was a no tolerance policy for it at work.. everyone knew... we just couldn't say it out loud. i was really never home though. in all this i deided this would be a great time to go to a technical school.. once i was done at school i was either working or finding an excuse to go party. I remember one night wanting badly to go to a friends bday party. My parents were actualy home that night so i told my mom i had to go to work so she would watch T. So i threw my work clothes on and packed bag of clothes to change into.. After about 10 shots of liquid cocain i was passed out on the sidewalk out side my work with my ass hanging out of my mini skirt. Satan threw me in the back of my mini van and drove me home.. carried me up to the door where my mom awaited.. i remember her looking at me and saying i thought u had to work.. and him saying, sorry i am Satan.. and then i crawled up to bed..   and this went on like that for about 9 months.. Then December came around.. Satan met someone else.. he tried to hide it from me for awhile.. and i mean honestly we were both not exactly faithful.. I even went and hung out with my now husband one night.. my biggest regret is i didnt see him again till about 7 years later..but my head was retarded at the time and this girl with Satan different.. this girl was moving in.. and i didn't like that one bit.. To the point it exploded one night.. I drunkenly ran into new girl at my bar while she was there to visit satan.. it was being pushed in my face and i didn't like it.. we were still “talking” so whats it going to be.. so i asked new girl to come talk to me in the bathroom, and showed her some texts that satan had sent me that you could not deny that me and him were still “talking” so she flew out of the bathroom to go confront him.. i follow.. cause hey I'm drunk and shits about to go down.. well ya it did. he picked me up and threw me across the bar.. me.. pissed at me.. so u get caught and i get tossed.. and as a result i was fired and baned from the bar.. everyone took his side because that bar was everyones life.. its really sad thinking back, but him throwing me resulted in twisting my appendix and needing it removed.. it was a wake up call.. it was just things got way out of control.. my life was way out of control.. so what does one do after this.. go to new Orleans for a bit party your ass off.. come home drop out of school... and start over again...

Everything changed very quickly after this.. The president of the browns retired and my dad lost his job and we had to move again into a small 2 bedroom house. I quit doing drugs, got an office job, and i was home again.. unfortunately the parents didn't have money to drink anymore and they were home all the time too.. It was way to close of quarters for all of us. and everyone was sober on edge. My older younger sister quickly moved in with her boyfriends family and i was to blame.. I just wanted to focus on moving forward though and getting my life together.. that year of my life needed to disappear.. a lot of years tho need to disappear.. looking back now i am so happy for how far I have come.. ther are a lot more difficult years i still have to write about, but its all worth it in the end.  

[gwassysworld-blog]

T turns 2

all moms say that there kids are smart.. but man T was really smart.. always has been.. he started walking by 8 months and i was having full conversations with him by a year and half.. he was like a little man and my heart.

after nanas diagnosis she came to live with us. My mom would take the day shift and me and my sisters would sit with her at night while our parents were out doing parent things.. after the car wreck on the 21st i did the “normal” thing and let the my car get repoed.. and got a part time job in walking distance.. again had no idea what to do and no goals.. all i knew was i needed to get by day to day. about 4 months in to nana living with us  she fell and it was at night, and me and my sisters didn't know about it.. she had said she was going to sleep and we went out to watch tv. i have no idea how long she laid there.. but a few hours went by and i went in to check on her and she was laying on the ground unconscious.. my sister called 911 and my parents showed up home as the ambulance arrived.. i know it wasn't my fault.. but i still feel so guilty about that.. Nana deteriorated very quickly after that. a month later i was in the shower, we knew the time was getting close.. i had this weird feeling come over and me and ran downstairs.. everyone was standing around crying and i knew that the time had passed .. she wasn't with us anymore... I just felt so numb... T was on the side of the bed holding her hand and i told him it was time to let Nana go. He looked up at me and was like, mama Nana says not to be sad, she is a beautiful blue butterfly now.. oh my god my heart sunk.. it was shocking  and calming and lovely.. while nana was sick T often talked to people who we couldn't see. once he asked to if he was aloud to play with his friend Cody, who was a family friend who had passed away 2 years prior to this when T was an infant.. and there was the “old French lady” that he would always sit on the couch and talk to and tell us about how she was knitting nana a blanket.. So it was a good feeling.. i knew Nana was an angel now and there were people here to guide her home. and T didn't stop warming everyones hearts then. At the funeral he had everyone laughing so hard running around saying “welcome to my planet i come in piece” i mean thinking back it wasn't that funny, but my Nana really loved T and she would of been laughing right along with him..  i miss her.. when i said my papa was like my dad... i was with nana all the time growing up.. i have more memories with her than with my own mom.. i don't think i would know what a hug was if it wasn't for her and papa. losing her was really really hard.

[gwassysworld-blog]

don't hook up with people u don't know

Billy.. u are not the father.. those words were the beginning of the down spiral.

after we got the results, Billy obviously stopped seeing T. But his mom continued to be a huge part of his life all the way up to about 3 years ago. Because I had county insurance for T they put a hunt out for his biological father, and after putting it all together, Mr. Vasectomy, was not with a vasectomy. In fact after they found him we had to go to this arbitrational hearing to set up child support. He showed up with some lady and another baby.. I told him he should sue the drs. and he rambled something about his house burning down and having all the proof in it... proof... u have 2 kids within 6 months of each other, think that's all the proof needed... I found out a lot more too... like that son that was 4, was really like 10, and he was never married to his sons mom he was married though to a different lady who had 2 kids... so jesus, seriously never ever ever hook up with someone u don't no... Mr. Vasectomy has never met T.. I have seen  him a few times over the past 15 years for different court things regarding child support.. but never for visitation.. he never wanted it and I definetly wasn't looking to share.. not with that.. So its just me and T.. living at my parents..

well technically by this time was when the move happened.. the house that we had lived in since I was 8 had finally forclosed on and we were out.. my brother had joined the marines, so it was my parents, my sisters, who now were 15 and 13, and T and me. and we found this actually bigger house to rent.. so were off..

oh that job I had at the electronic repair distriburor.. shortly after the paternity test results I lost that job.. Didn't make a very comfortable working environment anymore for certain people... I didn't blame his family for being upset.. but I didn't do it intentionally... I really really thought he was the dad.. it is what it is.. the whole “my boss and his wife swinging with my parents” thing didn't really help the job situation either when the boss and his wife were getting a divorce over the situation with my parents... so there went that job... I did spring back really quick tho and with some help from Billys mom got a job with an insurance company. A really good job.. so some shit happened but I'm on the right track.. right??

the next few years of my life I can make no excuse for.. I can sit back and try to psycho analyze myself and say well I didn't no how to be a mom, I was raising him on my own, I was young blah blah theres no excuse.. I basically turned into my parents..

I some how always get drawn to the partiers, that's been my life.. those are my people.. except all I wanted to do was party. I absolutely hated living at my parents.. looking back though I don't no what I was thinking.. it doesn't seem like I ever had a future plan..

shortly after we moved to what we call the chamberlin house.. I met this guy on line.. ya we moved up to AIM now.. he was 30 and lived with his parents.. he worked when I first met him, but something about he would take affedra to work out, some energy enhancer that later actually I think became illegal.. but it supposibly made him have anxiety issues and he had to quit his job.. so I thought to myself.. this would be a perfect guy to move in with.. Me and T would move in with him and his mom and step dad in their manufactured fancy double wide. mother f-er these people were goofy... His mom I guess was a real nut job in the 60s and suffered from a lot of depression so they gave her shock treatments.. the lady would just sit on the couch all day and pop pills, and try to smoke a cigerrette without dropping it because her hands would shake so badly. His step dad looked like tweedle dumb and had one of those whistle lisps.. I ran into these people a few years ago and found out that they found a bunch of my underware shoved in his drawers after I moved out.. and then there was his real dad who would ride his lawn mower over to visit. He was majorly stroked out and you could barely understand him when he talked. the guy used to be some huge pot grower tho in the 80s and it made him go nuts.. could be what happened to the mom.. ya so good idea.. make it clear tho, me and this guy never dated.. he couldn't do that.. I could stay at his house with my kid, spend money on him, go to different clubs and stuff all the time.. whatever it only lasted a month or so, then my aunt in California calls me.. “Gwassy, I know life is crazy... come to cali”

ok so the aunt in cali.. remember the lady my uncle married with the kid that wasn't so nice to me.. ya.. well when I was 16 they moved to California.. and he was grown now, he didn't live with them... California huh? why the hell not?

I'm 20.. this could be a great life changer!!! so I get my tax return, decide to take Mr. Affedra with me, cause hopefully he can get some help there, and didn't really want to travel alone.. we pack up my car say our goodbyes and in 3 days I made it to California. got there.. couldn't find a job.. couldn't get Mr. Affedra to get a job.. couldn't get Mr. Affedra to do anything but be a whiny bitch.. so money ran out, patience ran out.. and after about 6 months i made it home in 32 hours. just in time for my 21st birthday and move back into the Chamberlin house.

my 21st birthday is a day i probably never will forget .. none of my birthdays have been spectacular.. when i was 16 we spent the day in the er cause my dad cut his finger off.... this time I'm in the ER with my nana... it was the night before my birthday.. she calls me around 11 at night, says that she cant get ahold of my parents and she thinks she needs to go to the emergency room.. that she was cleaning her ears with a qtip and theres blood on it and shes worried.. so i wake my sister up to be with T, and keep trying to get ahold of my parents at the bar while i go get nana.. so i get her take her to the er and my sisters must of gotten ahold of my parents because they arrived at the same time. and my aunts shortly after. We get her inside.. and the blood on the qtip is no big deal.. she just scraped her ear.. but the real problem was that she kept forgetting where she would park her car, who she was talking to.. and when they did the scans of her ear it all made sense when they saw the tumors on her brain. The drs. told us this and also about more spots that they found on her lungs. i sunk to the ground and looked at the clock ... it was a little after 12 and someone stupidly said hey gwassy its ur birthday.. not the right timing.. she was admitted and they told us she only had months left.. i went through this cancer stuff before with my papa, her husband, he passed when i was 10.. it obviously was a lot different then.. to me i remember sitting with him in his chair one night and accidently bumping his ribs with my elbow and it bringing him to tears, and then it seemed like a few days later there he was in a hospital bed in my grandmas family room and nurses were coming around the clock to take care of him.. he went really quick.. well from what i know, they made have not told us till they needed to.. but i immediately remember feeling the greef i felt when i lost my papa. that guy was the only person who ever was close to a father figure, who ever stood up to my dad for us, losing him was awful, and now Nana, i hadn't lost many people in between, no one close to me anyways.. i didn't take this news that well..

but what else do you do on your 21st birthday??? you go out and pick up Mr. Affedra and his best friend that your now dating and you go out to dinner and get drunk. Then when your driving you get in an argument, wreck your car and get punched in the face by Mr. Affedra.. then he throws a temper tantrum cause he cant help acting this way so you drive him home never to see him again.. and u go to bed.. no? well that's how i spent my 21st birthday..

[gwassysworld-blog]

knocked up

back in 2000 before online dating was cool there were these things called chat lines that you would call into to meet people. It was really a way for prostitutes to work from home before craigslist. but it was also fun when ur bored to get fucked up and mess with people in the middle of the night.. well at least for me it was..

well one night on there i some how started talking to this guy from Cleveland, and he just wanted to talk, i don't remember details but i told him to come up to my work the next day so i could have a look at him.. and he did.. and i left with him.. He took me back to his house in Cleveland and told me his whole life story on the way out there.. how he was 26, surprisingly the same age i had told him i wouldn't date older than. that his grandma raised him because his mom was a “wall licker” and was in a mental hospital.. that he was married, and had a 4 year old son, but the mother had taken him and moved away and he hadn't seen him in 2 years. he went on to tell me that this caused him to have a vasectomy so he never had to go through this experience again.. ya know pull at the heart strings.. i don't no really what he was trying.. but hey it worked, he was in me unprotected that night.. i hung out with him for about a week or so, until we went to get beer one night and he was carded.. I heard that cashier say “you don't look 32.” .....32? but u said u were 26... we got out to the car and i told him i wanted him to take me home. Theres one thing i don't like in life and its liars, u can lie about knowing me to other people, but don't lie to me. Instead of taking me home he drove back to his house. and told me to go in and get my things. good thinking, don't want to leave those behind. We got inside and he sat down and told me he wasn't going to take me home that i needed to get over it ... you don't tell me what to do.. its just never worked that way.. my parents tell me enough what not to do, i wasn't going to have a man tell me.. it escalated very quickly.. but like i said i hadn't know this guy that long.. right out hes lying about his age.. and i wasn't that interested either.. so i went to grab the phone to call my mom, a struggle happened and my head went through a wall.... i ran out of his house down to this convenient on the corner and called my mom and had her come pick me up... one psycho down..

me and my mom had a great talk on our way home. i think it was just like a tipping point.. i knew things were out of control and i didn't no what to do with my life. and she was my mom i should be able to talk to her about these things.. not so much.. i even told her i was cutting and she looked at me like i was crazy, i told her about a night when i was about 15 and out in the garage with my dad and one of his friends, they were partying and his friend grabbed me and kissed me and grabbed my ass, right in front of my dad, my dad laughed, i bit his lip.. yup her response, even to this day.. that never happened... My parents were swingers with this guy and his wife so i think it was more of a we cant open up any can of worms talking about this guy... or she just didn't care. which was shocking to me because in her crazy night time talks she would have with my dad when they thought we were all sleeping, i had heard her talk one night about how she had an uncle that forced her to do things to him. i figured she would definetly get it.. well this solidified the fact that i can never talk about what happened when i was younger.. this shit just had to stay bottled up.. she didn't care.. i stayed up the whole night crying and cutting the shit out of my arms. i just wanted to figure something out, i just wanted to get out of my parents house, i just wanted someone to want me, someone to talk to.. everything around me was falling apart, danny had pulled a knife on lisa cause he found out she cheated on him.. and i was like their kid stuck in the middle until they both quit and forgot about me. and slight friendship i had with anyone from school was over, either cause i slept with their boyfriend or they had left for college.. and here i am working in a pizza shop, walking to work..

So i go to work the next day and its just me and billy working the afternoon shift. All through high school our “sex” was a big secret but he was my friend, we would sit and talk for hours every night and he knew.. he knew me.. he knew everything. He also knew it was strange when i walked in with a long sleeve shirt on a 85 degree day to a pizza shop with no air conditioning.. he said something .. half joking half not asking if i had moved onto heroin and was covering my tracks..  no man, and the tears just started again, i pulled up my sleeves and fell to the ground, like someone please just hold me I'm cracking up.. and he did, he ran over and took the phone off the hook and he got down on the ground with me and wrapped his arms around me and just held me.. and then we had sex.... on the floor..  dignified.. right.. even in my weakest moments all i was ever seen for was sex.. but that was life and that was normal.. afterwards he told me about how he had an older sister that also would cut and told me of a place to go to get help and to call him whenever i needed someone.

well you know after you have an extreme lava flow of emotions sometimes you see things more clearer... well i do.. it always feels like when i finally let it all out i feel so much better.. i called that place and went to one counciling meeting.. but it was an eye opener i guess.. like time to figure some thing out.. partying like ur parents isn't going to get you anywhere.. so i started to make a plan.. stopped going out and stayed home with my sisters every night. i had this great plan that i would move out and get custody of them, but i needed to at least be there for them for now, they were still young, and it wasn't fair i was running away from them all the time because i didn't want to be stuck in that house, but i forgot they were there by themselves to see it.

alright so I'm on the right track, a month or so goes by and i start getting really sick to my stomach .. a lot! oh, let me think about this.. i haven't had my period in a month or so... oh shit.. i took 3 different pregnancy tests in various fast food bathrooms.. all coming back the same.. damn girl your pregnant...

my mom was the first one i told.. i couldn't keep it from her very long... she cried, but not in disappointment, she cried because she was so excited she was going to be a grandma.. then my brother called and she told him “guess whos pregnant?” i guess he had an ow shit moment, like who called you, who did i knock up, but was greatly releaved when she told him it was me.  My older younger sister didn't really care, but my youngest sister was really embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know... my mom also told my dad who didn't speak to me for almost 4 months... but that was it.. no talk about future, no talk about what i should do.. your pregnant, your pregnant, will figure it out, get up time to go make the pizzas.

it was starting to get colder out so the general manager picked me up for work.. i got in and he offered me a cigarette and i declined.. hes like what the heck your not pregnant are you... totally in a joking way.. he had no idea.. and i could tell by the look on his face when he saw the look on my face when he asked.. he was like holy shit.. you are...? and he quickly followed with.. its not billys is it?

what? i mean? we don't sleep together?

he was like stop seriously everyone knows..

well ya its billys and i guess i have to tell him..

great... i think i told him that day.. i don't really remember.. he didn't take it horribly.. i mean he didn't get pissed off or bring up abortion.. mostly like hey ur 18, I'm 19, our lives are kinda crazy right now, i still have a girlfriend.. what the fuck.. he also asked if i was sure it was his..

think back.. yup its yours.. i hadn't been with anyone else.. since that creepy guy and he had a vasectomy, yup sorry its yours.. ok will get thru this..

he didn't want his parents to know tho, not right away anyways, and i totally respected that, so did everyone we worked with, and outside of my family, no one really knew.

I got a full time job working for this electronics distributor. My parents were swinging with the owner of the company and his wife so it was an easy in...so i did that  during the day and was slinging pizzas at night. It was kinda funny cause after i told billy about the job he made me aware that his sister and aunt also works in the building so don't get chummy with the wrong people... this job sucked... but i was making money, and i was pregnant, so i was doing things right.. i didn't have anything to spend my money on so i just saved and bought a car. all i did was work and spend time with my sisters. Billy was around he would take me to appointments, but he had a girlfriend.. and that wasn't me..

Eventually my dad started talking to me again, after coming home drunk a shit one night and asking me to drive him to a different bar.. we never made it out of the driveway .. he just broke down in tears telling me how shitty of a dad he is and how hes going to be the best grandpa and always love this kid.. i had heard my dad cry several times to me like this about being a shitty dad.. it was always when he was drunk and supposibly moving out.. secretly back then i always hoped he just would already, but then he would pass out and the next morning things would be back to normal.. this situation wasn't much different.. i really didn't care about the things he was saying to me.. he never really talked to me anyways so this wasn't that big of a deal that he hadn't been.. i wasn't affected anyways.. but he said he would always love this baby and i hoped he meant it..

shortly after that my dad called billys parents and let them in on all the news as well... I guess they took it well.. i met his mom and his sister for the first time at dinner at applebees.. by this time I'm like 6 months pregnant.. she was the sweetest lady and i cant say that enough about her.. it was kinda weird that i had never met her before.. but when i was at billys it was for parties when they were out of town.. so.. we didn't cross paths i guess.. she told me that night though that her and billy had a long talk about the baby.. that billy still wasn't positive if it was his but that her family wanted to be very supportive through the rest of the pregnancy but they wanted a paternity test.. so i guess u can see where this is going.. billy continued to take me to my appointments.. his family went out huge for the baby shower... and at 3 oclock in the morning when my water broke they were the first ones i called and they were at the hospital before  got there...

well mainly because at 3 oclock in the morning by brother and his friend were just walking in drunk.. and my mom and dad followed... drunk... both my sisters woke up from all the commotion so theres all of us standing in the kitchen and I'm like ok ass holes my water broke whos sober enough to get me to the hospital. so my dad drove me, with my mom in the front and i laid in the back and my dad had my brother and his friend follow him with my sisters and gave him instructions to stay close and not let a cop get behind him, because got forbid someone gets a dui tonight, just get me to the hospital.

the labor was so quick, i remember getting there and they gave me an epidural right away which made me shake uncontrollably and scared my sisters because they though something was wrong.. and then minutes later i felt like i had to poop and they were like shit here comes the baby.. he was born by 6 in the morning.. and there he was .. my beautiful little boy.. my little boy that i knew had just joined me on this journey against the world.. living in my parents basement.. but i wasn't scared.. i knew no matter what things would work out.. i would figure it out.. at least i really freaking thought so.. he was mine and i had to get through this..

being a mom became more routine than anything.. i went back to work and dropped the weight right away.. i was back to me.. not pregnant.. T would be up every night.. all night.. he was so colicky.. then i would get up, go to work and he would be with my mom during the day. i quit the pizza shop so i could be at home with him in the evenings, and billy was taking him every weekend. things went pretty easy for the first 4 months.. i had this working mom thing down..

then the paternity test results came back... Billy you are not the father...

[gwassysworld-blog]

what high school? u mean pizza?

high school was high school through out high school.. I still had my group of friends, the people who thought I was funny and the ones who I was invisible to. I mean this was a small school.. I graduated with around 110 kids. I grew up with them all, but even now, I don't talk to anyone I graduated with. Home life was still just as crazy ... so 15 I got my first real job. It was at this take out and delivery pizza place. I remember my first night walking in, the phone was ringing non stop, there were delivery drivers running around every where, the tv and radio was turned up what seemed all the way and I had some short blong girl grabbing my arm trying to show me the different size pizzas. threw me right onto the pizza line, and away it went. The owners tommy and sharon were a married couple, the general manager richy was one of their best friends, the drivers were mostly skater punk rock guys who had graduated from my high school years before and the little blond girl lisa was some “jeep driving jovie” from a few towns over. Her boyfriend danny also worked there, and he lived like an hour away and would drive in every day, just to drive around and deliver pizzas. I could probably write a w hole book alone on this place.. but ill try not to.. So Lisa and Sharon were the only girls that worked there when I started. There was this lady TIsha who lived in the small apartment attached to the back of the building. She would deliver for us every once in awhile, when she wasn't delivering she was banging her headboard against her bedroom wall which on the other side was the back wall of our kitchen. We would always know if she was coming or going by the smell of raw fish that would come out of her apartment. I feel bad saying this because now that I'm grown and shes almost 50 now and has a better life. but we all go through stages i guess. Lisa and Danny immideatly took me in as their little sister and my home life became common knowledge at work... within the first month there was joking around as always, Danny said something to me about being hatched.. I said no way i was born by cecearian.. he got this excited face on his red head and was like i knew it u were the swallowed shot. so i go home.. my moms in a drunk mood as always asks me how my day went.. told her about mine and dannys little back and forth... the next night I'm working my mom orders pizza for pick up, she comes in and i hear her from the back asking for danny so i made my way up to the counter as well.. she looks at him dead serious and says i hear you have been picking on my daughter. I'm like no mom wait its fine... shes like well i have news for u.. i don't swallow i spit... YUP! hello would you like to meet my mother.. his face turned as bright red as his hair and my mom just stood there laughing.

I feel like the next few years of my life I spent more time at the pizza place than at school or at home. I was always there, even when i wasn't working. Lisa would either call the school and pretend to be my mom and pick me up and i would drive around all day with her delivering pizzas. At night when i wasn't scheduled to work i would still tell my parents i was just so i could get out of the house. The parents would try to find every little thing possible that i could do wrong to ground me so that i would have to stay home every night to babysit the kids, but if i was working they couldn't do anything about it. well for awhile... eventually they would find reasons to make me have to quit... u know like staying out till 3 in the morning. normally i could get home before they would from the bar, but sometimes parties ran a little late. they would ground me from working for like a month.. and my boss got it, and he went along with it, he just wouldn't schedule me. For what it was they were always very spmythetic to my home life. they didn't always agree with me staying out partying all night, but they knew why i wanted to escape.

Shortly after i started working there they introduced me to mar..i...wana.. i know its spelled wrong but it was going through my head like the guys say it on half baked. pot became my best friend.. and then in walked Billy. Billy worked there and quit before I started but came back. He was a year older than me, drove, and ya i was sprung.. within a few weeks he was driving me home from work every night.. we would pull into the back parking lot or an empty lot a few streets down and full around giving each other oral after a few months i gave him the V card.. it was a big secret tho, he went to private school and had a girlfriend and he knew every one i went to high school with.. so once again i was a secret. we even kept it a secret at work for a few years. Until one night he had been getting in all sorts of trouble legally and came into work drunk. god only knows how i don't remember but in front of everyone he got on the subject of how much better ive gotten at giving head over the years, how i used to apparently use to much teeth.. i was like ya well thank god you have finally gotten your braces off buddy...

so by now ive graduated high school.. see summed 3 years up real quick.. high school was stupid.. it didn't even really exist to me.. I barely graduated with a .04 overall grade point average. i honestly don't even no how i graduated. i think they were just pushing me through. The summer after i graduated, i got tan, got skinny and party life was in full effect. drugs, drinking, sex with different people. By now i had even already had my first 3 some with some college couple that played in rocky horror picture show. i had been with girls, guys, whatever, had tried so many different types of drugs, and no wonder, my depression was in full effect and so was my cutting.  I had no idea what i was going to do with my life and I don't think i really cared. My car blew up while I was trying to sign up for community college which pretty much stalled future plans for awhile. luckily the pizza place was in walking distance but any money i earned i wasn't saving.. i was spinning down fast... and being an adult seemed so far away.. but i was only 18... i didn't have to be an adult yet.. right?

[gwassysworld-blog]

8th-freshman

catch up... haven't been able to write in a few weeks.. even tho it might not seem like ive written a lot it took a lot out of me... but gotta keep getting it out.. soooo soo far were thru 7th grade.. my parents are full blown alcohalics that leave me to take care of my younger brother and 2 sisters all the time.. and when I'm not doing that I'm watching other peoples kids while I down there booze.. ok... 8th grade.

8th grade was ok. last year before high school.. I had friends, I was making new friends... and remember that guy from 5th grade... the one who said he would “date me” but his friends would find out.. well I got his attention, no one but me knew.. but I did.. so outside of home things were looking up.. I cant think of anything else that really stands out from 8th grade.. will come back if I do...

so 8th grade ends and its time to start the summer before high school. when I was with my friends life was perfect.. when I was home not so much..  a lot of the neighborhood kids were grown by now, most were older than me in high school, my days of playing red rover were over. so I spent a lot of time outside playing basketball in our back yard.. one of my neighbors was going into his senior year.. towards the end of summer when football practice started all of his friends would end up at his house, and since we were the only ones in the area with a basketball hoop they ended up in my back yard. they were all going into there senior year, I was technically still a little girl to them.. but I was a girl.. and they didn't hold back telling me what they wanted to do to me or what they would like to receive.. I would just laugh and giggle, wasn't used to this kind of attention from anyone.. I didn't do anything but I was so excited thinking I had a group of guys who might have my back once I started high school.. welp once school started I was invisible in the hallways but I would still see them every night after practice. a lot of girls at school liked these guys.. one day I made the mistake of telling a friend some of the things they would say to me... well she decided to tell everyone that I actually did all these things.. of course they denied it, it wasn't true.. but on top of denying it they added what a disgusting whore I am, and ugly bitch, and tons of awful things.. small town, small school and word got around fast.. and once the senior football players spoke, I was a nasty hoe to everyone..  from then on I felt like my chances with any guy were a total loss.. my family was fucked, I had my friends, well a few I could trust, but I now hated school.. it was no longer a release to go there so I started to cut myself. I thought about suicide a lot but I was never brave enough.. but I also started to write and I think that's what saved me. .

[gwassysworld-blog]

homosexuality and autism... or is it?? hmmm

my 15 year old son who has autism also believes he is a homo sexual... why do I say believes... 1. he has autism... do you know anything about autism? he doesn't really even understand relationships or feelings. he takes everything literal. there is no black and white... infact one time he was watching old tv with me. he looked at me and asked, mom when did the world get color? what?? he didn't realize that tv just didn't have color.. he thought the whole world was black and white... this was a few months ago.. I love him to death. ok also with autism he is very block headed, once he decides something, no matter what evidence there is to prove him wrong.. if it doesn't agree with his idea its wrong.. as I I can give him 1000000 reasons why he shouldn't sit and watch youtube for 12 hours straight.. and none of those reasons are right, because he cant see past what he wants to do. so no concept of relationships, very literal, block headed...

the #2 reason I say believes is because he was sexually abused by a male. will get to this in another blog... not what I want to focus on today. so you take the autism... you take that he was given physical attention by someone, whether it was wrong or not, that sex saw interest in him.

he came out in 8th grade.. well he didn't really come out, we found gay porn on his phone during a random phone check... shortly after that he told me he was gay... and then last year he told me he wanted to be a girl... there is nothing more in the world that I want than for my kids to be happy. I was obviously ok with the gay stuff for him to be able to open up to me about the other life changing event. but I didn't know how to respond to this. No... my answer was no. this gender identity stuff going on is so confusing, I think the high schools should offer update class, because we did not use these terms when we were in high school... and hey I experimented... but now your identified by the sex you could love and the sex you would ... sex... and gender fluent.. my son has tried to give me several lectures about being gender fluent.. and not assuming gender.. its annoying as it is.. but then he tells me I'm assuming the bananas gender and it goes to far. one hes 15... yes hes growing up, but theres appropriate and inappropriate conversations.. and the xmas dinner table with the whole family, ages 2 and up.. isn't the place. oh educate them young.. maybe in ur house but we don't talk sex period at the table.. I was raised seen and not heard till ur out on u own.. so trust me I'm lenient with shit. I don't care that he says hes gay, he has never pursued a relationship, I don't think he ever would but I wouldn't care if he did.. love shouldn't be limited to trying to find it in one group.. but dressing like a girl..  that wasn't a decision I wanted to make for him. so I tucked my tail between my legs and told him that when he is 18 and he is at an age that he does not need to ask for permission, then he can dress how ever he wants.. but since he feels he needs to ask permission its not a decision he is making on his own so no... but I told him for his past bday his one friend, a girl who dresses like a boy, could give him a make over. and she did she brought wigs and makeup, bra, dress,..... omg he looked so much like his little sister. and then he was over it... he still bring it up every so often.. mainly tho he will get mad for me buying him “boy colored” stuff.. and I'm like why do u have to consider a colors gender... I'm a girl and I like blue.. just take it.. I didn't buy it cause ur a boy and its blue... so the other day we go and buy him and his sister new winter coats.. he of course didn't go with us because that would be cutting into his youtube time.. we get home and as a little silly I handed him my daughters coat... black with hot pink lining and hot pink fuzzy hood and flowers on it.... omg he was so pissed off it wasn't the reaction we were expecting at all.. he was like why???????? would you get me this? what do u mean why.. its not blue.. I wasn't assuming its gender I thought u would like it... threw it on the ground and stomped away like a heterosexual teenager would. then I gave him his real grey winter coat... whooooops... he laughed once he realized it was a joke..

random... I feel like I just have to get through this.. get him to 18 with doing as little damage as I can to him... the kids hole child hood was fucked.. but like me, it was what was normal and he road along.. he deserved a lot better but it is what it is, now hes almost the same age I was when I had him.. get him to there.. and then what.. honestly I keep praying he gets it together and puts in effort to get his grades up, some how miraculously gets into college,, suddenly learns how to at least give himself the 5 different pills he takes each day, can figure out how to keep up with his school work without me needing to talk to his teachers almost daily. maybe he will go to college... we are trying for a technical school next year for his junior year to take computer programming classes, but he wants to take the drama class again for a 3rd time.. so will see which way he goes with that one.. grrrrrr.. theres not much he can do on his own.. but the kid is brilliant, he tests at the top of the state, he has a photographic memory, but he thinks that's all he needs.. he thinks he doesn't need to show anyone how smart he is, everyone should just know... hes just more of an 8 year old maturity wise.. part of me keeps hoping he is just growing up slower.. part of me thinks he will always be stuck at 8.. guess will have to see.

[gwassysworld-blog]

6th grade - 7th grade..

by 6th grade my hair grew back, still had the glasses, added on braces, but in my head I was on my way to looking right. but I was tired of being invisible or only getting attention for crap. There was this girl in my grade who my neighbor had watched for years, but there were jealousy issues and up until then me and her didn't get along. she had a rough home life as and she had as much freedom as I did. 6th grade was definetly when gwassy came out. I didn't give a fuck anymore. .... you ever see fried green tomatoes? well she was like idgy and I was ruth.. and if u haven't seen that movie, freakin go watch it...I started staying at her house all the time, she had this amazing roof outside her bedroom window that we could sit on at night. we would go through her dads ashtray and steal the butts to smoke them out there... well maybe about 2 times.. or 2 hits... that didn't work out and I puked... after that I held off on smoking for a few more years.. she was my partner in 6th grade camp.. and I definetly started noticing and having an interest in boys.. idgy was making out with the high school guy councelors in the bushes.... she was my idol. lol.... by this point I just wanted attention... I did have a great group of friends for 6th grade. not much else

7th grade.. how old am I again? 12... right 12.. I joined the volleyball team at the beginning of the year, and I made it. no help to anyone... I had to find rides to every practice and home from every game... which I don't understand cause that was the first year in a long time that my mom even had a vehicle. but I guess she couldn't tear herself away from her house, or the kids she babysat, or the one sisters gymnastics, or the brothers football... I don't remember her making it to any games, but a few of my aunts did and so did my nana, that was important.

the girls on the team were cool and were trying to be nice. I got invited to go trick or treating in a rich neighborhood, all the girls went over there after school... her mom wasn't home so we were all bored hanging out. one said, apparently jokingly, lets do shots... sure! drinking is big in my family, ive been eating limes out of margaritas for years.. papa would rub rum on our gums when we had a tooth ache, I can take shots.. so me and idgy did shots... and the rest of them laughed at us.. but we were cool right.... we didn't care tho.. well idgy was. didn't make me any cooler... but I did also start baby sitting in the evenings this year and after this I made sure to find the alcohol in the house. I remember this one house they would go bowling Tuesdays n Thursdays and I would be there till 11. I would drink until 10 and then hopefully find some toothpaste to cover up my breath and then fake sleep on the couch when they would get home.. I don't no why but for some reason I remember eating a bunch of cheese hoping that would cover up my breath.

the other nights of the week I spent taking care of the siblings while the parents were at the bar. I was finally at the age they didn't have to pay someone else to babysit so extra money for them to spend out... I remember constantly calling the bars asking for my mom.. none of those 3 would listen to me, they constantly were fighting, it was just chaos... and then they would come home and fight. or make god awful noises no child should ever have to experience coming from their parents.. and then the news the dad had the first affair... I remember.. well u remember this is 7th grade.. late at night, them fighting.. and hearing “well I didn't cum so I didn't cheat” sigh.. really? and my mom was basically like ok, I'm worthless, this is ok.. I mean you have to understand by this point you have to remember that my mom is stuck at home with her 4 kids, then she babysits during the day 6-8 kids, my dad never really aloud her to have a car, never had a job outside the house, he controlled every things she did. by this time he is a struggling carpenter and a full on functioning alcoholic. he would work every day and spend every cent of his pay check at the bar. our electric was constantly being shut off.. we would run an electric extension cord to our neighbors outdoor outlet just so we could keep our fridge on. they were constantly borrowing money from relatives, and our house was falling apart. he would try to start one project in one room and then move onto the next and the next till every room in our house was half finished. its like he would start a room get drunk and then start a new project.  so drinking I did. and other than that Halloween, no one knew. still invisible.. but at this point I was starting to realize life wasn't ok. I was starting to see how other peoples families functioned and this wasn't it. and I put my middle finger up.

[gwassysworld-blog]

pta realizations

most Fridays at my daughters school I make pop corn for a pta fundraiser and we sell it to the kids. well ive been becoming aquantances with one of the moms there. I like her tho, she seems genuinely nice.. long story we stand there for hours and just talk... I don't normally talk about past life, I talk about whats going on current. current is good.. except right now its winter and I don't have a car so life is pretty boring... so the college question comes up.. seems simple enough right... except every question about anything prior to where I am now in my life.. requires a lot more questions and long explanations.. a simple question about college leads to me not going, why, well because I had my son when I was 18. well lots of moms still go.. well my sons father bolted.. so I got a job and then I got another job and another job and for awhile I was homeless and moved to California, and moved back, and went periods where I had no vehicle and would walk to work, and I didn't no how to raise a kid... no one raised me... oh you wanna ask questions about that now? check my blog...

so where did you move here from is another good question I get.. oh well how many different schools did your son go to? lady I can unroll a kid and reroll a kid like its nothing.. but it is something, its a long pain in the ass process that I have done way to many times. but Sheldon took it well all things considered. I have made a promise to him that we will be staying in this school district till he graduates, hes a sophomore, but it still means a lot to him, he has found himself in this school.. he is finally settled in life, we are all finally settled... even tho currently I have a really bad desire to move... I don't like feeling settled... I don't no this feeling... I just want to move to a larger house tho, nothing serious, just bigger than this box. and of course stay in the same city... oh do you own your house do u need a realitor? nope we rent and my landlord is in and out of rehab.. insert list of questions here...  well do you want to buy? of course I want to buy but I'm 34 years old and have never had a credit card in my life, but thank you to my amazing parents putting things under my social security # my credit absolutely sucks.. well cant u get it off.. yes if I press charges against my parents for indentity theft... why don't I? one of my aunts asks me this all the time.. shes like gwassy.. all the shit ur parents put u thru, why do you and your brother and sister still interact with them... why? cause they are my parents, they may have sucked but that was all I knew, I was happy some where in my head... and now they are old people trying to get into heaven and they are actually really great grandparents. I still might not agree, but they are my parents.. and I have way to big of a heart.  so no, I can not at this point buy a house.

I hate questions, you would be surprised how quickly people judge. actually this is 2017 and everyone judges everyone... there are more split families right now than there are married parents, Christians are no longer the majority... I think everyone has their story some were just born into better stories...

I think I need to stop being so ashamed and private about my past.. ive been thru a lot of shit.. I guess I worry about parents and not wanting there kids around my kids or something... I don't no.. but if they cant accept the bad ass I am... I don't want their kids playing with mine... on another note.. I really don't like talking that much...  and these uppity pta moms really know how to raise an eye brow at someone.. big girl pants.. gotta be proud of where u came from.. even if it wasn't the most impressive past, look at you now,  I made the best of my circumstances my whole life.  and were a work in progress...

[gwassysworld-blog]

9 years old 4th grade. it was a good year really.. besides that dirty shit that started happening in 3rd grade that I had a really hard time writing about, so don't think ill mention it again. but 4th grade I started making friends in the new school, I had a great teacher, and a great group of friends at home. Only real thing that stands out was that I we won the 4th grade lip synce. we did purple people eater. my mom actually made the costumes and the set. I had this giant purple paper machete mask on with a huge horn on the top. I wish there was a video of it some where. I need to look into that.

5th grade, my mom decided to cut all my hair off... I was 10... it was like the week before we went back to school, my hair was half way down my back and I wanted a perm... well big mama said ya but we gotta cut ur hair first. right above my ears... did I mention, one of the biggest things I got picked on for were my ears. they don't exactly attach all the way in the back so they stick out a bit, and when I was younger I had full grown ears so not having hair to cover them anymore made them stick right out there loud and proud. except I wasn't proud.. and the perm looked like a poodle poof right on the top of them. I cried the whole way home. when I got out of the car the little girl from next door yelled over how much I looked like a boy... I don't think I ever threw such a big fit as I did that day. mortified... I was just starting to make friends and get past the whole bullying shit of the awful 3rd grade. now I gotta start school looking like the poodle boy. ... and not just start school, I was starting middle school, 5th to 8th grade.. the 8th graders were like twice the size of us.  and the busing.. the bus I took drove the high school kids too.. they were like adults.. no one really bothered me in the morning, we got on the bus way to early for that and I would just sleep. my class wasn't that bad either, I had another nice teacher, actually looking back she was my favorite teacher. no reason really other than I think she was the only one who actually ever noticed me or took time to make sure I was keeping up. I had friends in the class which was a bonus. lunch was in a huge cafeteria now and we didn't have assigned seats any more and i actually had friends who wanted to sit with me... well most of the time.. people weren't mean in my class, i was just there. to sum it up there was this adorable kid in my class, this was the age for us when “dating” started and he had dated about every girl in the class at some point.. every girl but me... towards the end of the year i was put in a small group with him where i was actually able to let my gwassy humor out.. normally i just don't talk.. but he was like, hey you are actually really funny.. id date you but then my friends would find out.... yup.. 5th graders didn't have tact yet... i don't no tho when people did get it tho... so ok, nice talking to ya. i said ya i get it... except i didn't really get it.. i mean i did have a lot of bad stuff happening, but i wasn't processing that.. that wasn't happening it was locked away in a room... where it really stays to this day cause i don't want to deal with it.. have you noticed yes i really wanna deal with it but i don't no how... ugh anyways... i knew i was funny, i was nice, i was just quiet, wore glasses and had funny hair.. i wasn't that bad was i?? whatever.. the bus rides home would suck.. it was the poor boys who didn't have parents at home to teach them manners and now they had high school kids that they needed to impress.. but the bus was the only place i would get loud right back.. i didn't take shit and learned some of the most impressive swear words a trucker might blush. but i handed it right back to them. then id get home, run around the neighborhood till dinner, eat some nasty ass processed food that i have realized now in life destroyed my insides, then my parents would go out and we would go to bed. it was life, it was normal.

6th grade 11 years old - thank god my freakin hair has grown back... at least over my ears any way and i didn't look like a boy anymore.. i looked like silly gwassy again with her silly glasses and i was getting braces... boom... but i made this new friend.. well i had known her since 3rd grade  anyways she finally noticed me and this girl was tough! and she was unsupervised just as much as i was. will call her idgy.. and if u know anything about fried green tomatoes which is my favorite movie... idgy describes her perfectly..

alright pause.. real life.. Sheldon, my 15 year old.. just clogged the toilet, to the point we were having to barrel water out of it and dump it outside.. why cause i don't no how to fix it.. the new plunger the husband got isn't working and Sheldon doesn't seem to know what could of possibly gone down the drain.. and in the mean time of going in and out the 3 dogs decided to take advantage of this warmer winter weather we are having and get all wound up in the excitement and bring all the mud from outside, inside and all over everything. that was fun to clean up, but I'm tired now and that roach i smoked has warn off... will do 6th grade tomorrow

[gwassysworld-blog]

life time line 3rd grade the year that built me.

lets get back to past life

so third grade - so much happens... starts out with my parents buying a house, we briefly move back in with my dads parents while we wait for the deal to go through. its in a new city, a neighborhood with lots of kids and 2 huge amusement parks across the street, and best yet its not attached to anyone elses house and were not sharing a house with anyone! it wasn't huge, the neighborhood was refered to as the hood, but it was home. we move in over Christmas break.. ya it was called that back then.. sorry.

also this year my moms brother got married while living in California, his new wife had a son about 5 years older than me and they were moving back to ohio. my mom tells my they are going to be staying at nana and papas till they get on their feet. great, love my uncle! barely ever get to see him, and were always at nanas still.

this new school absolutely sucked. I went from a very uppity, well behaved, polite, nice school... to a school where on the first day a little boy told me how he was going to fuck my mom in his hot tub.. 3rd grade! I thought being the new girl was going to be so exciting that everyone wants to be friends with the new girl. nope they picked every thing about me apart. and not just one kid, the whole class, every day. if there was any reason for me to cry every day, this would of been it.. but by now I was past crying... instead I wrote a note to my teacher, told her how awful my life was in her class, that the bullying was really getting to me. I snuck it on her desk before lunch. when we got back to recess. she read the  note to the whole class, and then asked who has been participating in this bullying... no one raised her hand, so the class just went on.. no big deal.. so I sucked it up and learned to start mouthing back. you cant beat them join them.

so living in this new house, there was a family that lived next door that became a huge part of my child hood life. they had 2 daughters that were a few years older than me. which was perfect for my parents. their drinking and need to go out had not slowed down so these girls were perfect babysitters. I think 1 of them was 11 at the time and the other was 12. ... we were best friends and them baby sitting was actually great. by now it was normal to not have my parents home in the evenings. if they were babysitting it was back to nana and papas. also great.... except remember uncle moved home.

his new wife.. oh I love her, I really do, she has the best heart. now that I'm older I have so much more respect for her because she also raised a child with no help from the biological father. she did her best.... but that child...

I have never written about this before and don't think I'm ready to so we will skim. this child and yes he was 13 but he was a child.. did things to me.. that I have never spoke of to anyone. there were to many people around that me saying this would hurt. they were all so happy and I knew this was wrong and would tear the family apart. or they wouldn't even believe me and this house where I felt so safe, at nana and papas, I would no longer be welcome.. I was 8.. and then I was 9... and 10.. and 11... by then I was old enough to not have to stay at anyones house and it stopped... deep breath... that took a lot.. and that's not a lot. over these years my aunt became like a mom, she took me every where, she always wanted to spend time with me... which made it hard, cause wow I wanted a mom to do things with me, but that meant I had to endure the other part... I dunno... I wanted a  mom.. when I was 16 they all moved back to California. I visited a few times but never saw him. he wrote me an email years later apologizing.. I still have that email. i wasn't so nice with my response... i don't think ive ever dealt with this properly..

i think 3rd grade built my shell

ok that's enough for today