#but STILL the boy is just not given enough grace and nuance in this fandom tbh

[fuckmeyer]

hey bestie i'm finally here with that essay about jacob fighting for bella's humanity w/o being a love interest bc the potential that has! he's set up to be the perfect avenue for it! he's the warmth and sun that she loved from arizona; he's the community and family she could be deeply enmeshed in w/ charlie and billy; he's a childhood friend who grew up (which bella's going to lose the potential to do if she becomes a vampire! and she's going to forget that past!); he's someone who fixes up old damaged cars instead of having perfect ones, and they aren't the *same* but they're still good...he's literally thematically everything best abt being human that bella will lose, AND examples of the negatives she sees in humanity, (all the times she thinks abt how the wolves are fragile in comparison to the vampires)...and it would just be SO fascinating to see that played out w/out the romance. it would honestly be even more powerful! bc baked into smeyer's worldbuilding is that vampires prioritize their romantic partners above everything else and having jacob be the true contrast to that where he's a platonic connection that bella genuinely values equally and she has to think abt how becoming a vampire would cut her off from the potential of connections like that!!! i am thinking so many thoughts

BESTIE thank you as always for dropping the Jacob love in my inbox!

you're so right about Jacob being the perfect avenue to explore Bella's doubt about vampirism! the warmth & family & community & LOVE & acceptance & nostalgia she loves about humanity is all embodied in Jacob's character & in their relationship. she likes hand-me-downs & homemade gifts! she likes acts of service! she likes reckless stunts that remind her of her own fragility & weakness! she likes warm sodas & spaghetti dinners! she likes being reminded that she belongs somewhere! & THIS IS JACOB <3

the fact that their relationship isn't utilized to this end (or any end, really) is my biggest problem with Eclipse. Bella drops little hints in the narrative that she's nervous about becoming a vampire. there are so many opportunities— e.g. when Rose tells her story— for her to reflect on what she's giving up.

in the end, she doesn't sum up the argument in a compelling way & doesn't make her choice in a believable way.

in part because the event that kicks off her grand realization that she's not ready (AKA THE CONFLICT OF HER ENTIRE SERIES ARC) is ...graduation

big life event as a catalyst seems to make sense. but how relevant is it to her narrative? & once it's brought up, we don't we see her digging into why she's nervous. what about saying goodbye makes her not ready? what about getting what she wants terrifies her? what does she need to sort through? what plans does she need to make? we're left to wonder what's running through Bella's mind re: the biggest decision of the series...in a first person narrative. no!!!

Jacob, who embodies all these ideals of her humanity, should be the one to push her to this realization. the climax of her internal conflict should be focused around him: losing him physically/emotionally (or both), & everything he represents. there is so much weight that her relationship with Jacob adds to her choice if she's allowed to love him and Edward unconditionally! as a romantic interest, all Jacob's doing is pushing her away.

(& that's why this whole fucking triangle makes no sense. he loves her so much he remembers her from early childhood. he loves her so much he'll sit there for months & pick up her broken pieces. he loves her so much he'll spend every moment just doing silly little hobbies together. he loves her so much he wants to fight for her humanity "until her heart stops beating" AND EVEN AFTER. but he doesn't love her enough to respect her choices or opinions? he doesn't love her enough to know that by being an asshole, he's pushing her closer to death? imo this is where we see stephie's grubby hands moving pieces. Jacob loves her more than he's in love with her.)

& so, because the "i'm not ready" realization is tied to something Bella doesn't give a shit about, the realization that she is ready is equally empty

what makes her decide she's ready to become a vampire is GUILT & FEAR & ANGUISH. she's "ready" to become a vampire because she feels weak & useless. worse, this realization is not touched on as the event (the training sesh) unfolds. she has this realization OFF-PAGE & then shows up to Edward's proposal like "yeah i'm ready to become a vampire but first i wanna fuck :)"

& we're supposed to buy that? girl, you resolved nothing internally. you didn't show us what changed for you. you're making this decision out of fear instead of out of love. & we're supposed to believe this is what little miss "thoughtful & responsible" wants???

it's such a blatant disregard to all the growth she went through & the relationships she developed. you can't just turn Jacob in a fucking asshole & turn the choice into a non-choice & call it day. Jacob deserves better, Bella deserves better, & the readers deserve better!!

MAKE 👏 EVERYONE 👏 SUFFER👏👏👏

(in the name of love!)

[niennawept]

MAEGLIN AND AREDHEL IN DORIATH PLEASE

Okay - this one is a little wild so forgive me. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, lest I snap and start writing it. [Not Written Yet Fics]

So this came to me when I was thinking about how Eol is a kinsman of Thingol and how Thingol does seem to have a soft spot for children in need.

I will warn you before going on that this does feature more nuanced headcanons about Eol than are widely popular in the fandom. If you would rather not read that - I don't blame you. My reading is based on the idea that the Silm narrative was written by Pengolodh and he's ... not unbiased given the Fall of Gondolin.

The only abuse here is restricting people's freedom to leave Nan Elmoth. Aredhel and Eol married each other without any form of coercion on his part (but they are in a freaky magic forest that likes to play matchmaker). It was way too hasty - they had a kid to try to save the marriage and we all know that doesn't end well. It was just a bad match. They wanted different things out of life and over time, Eol subtly got worse and worse about his terror of the outside world. His insistence that they do not leave because it is not safe. People are out to get them et cetera.

I feel like that needed saying before I go on - or the rest might not make sense.

So Aredhel and Maeglin go to Doriath because at some point in their marriage Aredhel told Eol enough about Gondolin that he figured out its location.

She worries that if they fled that way, he'd find them and bring them back.

Maeglin is still not fully grown. He doesn't have great fondness for sunlight either.

He's a little scrawny and pale and he's never played with other children - but after a rocky patch, he does find a niche with the rest of the Doriathrim.

He is a bit disappointed that he doesn't get to see the famed city of Gondolin (or at least, as famous as it is in his little mind) and "Uncle" Thingol does not seem as cool as the Uncle Turgon he was promised, but he does dote on the boy.

He still makes friends with the dwarves. His father taught him to respect them and although he doesn't completely understand everything his father did - that doesn't seem like a bad thing

Aredhel has a more difficult adjustment. She's a Noldo and she's on thin ice for her family's role in the kinslaying. It's fair to say she's tolerated rather than embraced.

Kinship rites among the Sindar dictate that she be treated like the King's "niece" - but it's very strained.

Meanwhile in Gondolin, Eol is captured trying to enter the valley and put to stern questioning. When they learn of the way he kept Aredhel from leaving, he's thrown into a prison cell.

(he receives a court order for mandatory counseling, since he doesn't seem to get what he did wrong)

A short while later, Galadriel returns and her presence eases some of that tension. Her close relationship with Melian sheds some light on the whole Nan Elmoth situation.

Aredhel learns of the ancient magic there that draws people together - often in ways that even Melian does not understand.

Maeglin grows up. Aredhel dons hunting leathers for the first time in many years and walks in the forest with Beleg and Mablung and Nellas. For a time, they are all content

Then disaster child Turin turns up and Maeglin feels a strange kind of kinship with the boy. He aids him how he can, even giving him a weapon he forged. (when has that ever gone wrong?)

Maeglin gets a front row seat to a "there but for the grace of the Valar go I" situation when everything with Turin goes south.

We check in on Eol - he's ... better. Taking him out of Nan Elmoth seems to have cleared his mind a bit. He still doesn't like the Noldor, doubly so since they're holding him in Gondolin, but he's earned his way out of prison. (He's still closely watched - out on parole)

Then the -uh-Nauglamír situation happens and Maeglin leaves without fighting anyone - dwarf or elf. That won't right the situation with the Silmaril and it won't bring Thingol back.

Aredhel is loathe to leave the marchwardens to deal with this - but Maeglin is still her kid, so she chooses to go with him - but it's a difficult decision.

That's about as far as I've gotten. I do think there's some kind of reunion (Maeglin and Aredhel with Eol) but I don't see them being a big happy family so much as people who have ties to each other and who are trying to sort through what went wrong years ago.

I think it ends on a hopeful note. Not everything is forgiven. Nothing is forgotten, but maybe they can coexist.

Like I said, it's messy (partially because it's a little autobiographical in places, there's a reason I feel so badly for Maeglin) - but I think about it from time to time.

[hageny]

Succession Thoughts: Gerri x Roman

AN: The first point in this post was requested by @thinkingfixatingobsessing​, so credit goes to her for the idea. 

WARNING: Mentions of child sexual abuse in point one. 

1. What In Here is Real?

A lot of fans tie Roman’s ‘dog cage’ experience to his adult need for degradation, and certainly there is a valid reason. The murky circumstances surrounding the incident(s) in his childhood--Roman remembering being forced; Connor and Kendall remembering him liking it; Connor remembering what their father said about “two fighting dogs” in relation to the incident--make it difficult to say how much of what Roman remembers is real and how much is his emotions skewing his memories. What is totally overlooked is the scene above, which takes place in Austerlitz. The family has just arrived at Connor’s ranch for the not-so-optional family therapy session when Roman says something very interesting to Connor, telling him that he plans to tell Alon Parfit, the group’s therapist, that Connor molested him as a child. Given Roman’s ‘dog cage’ revelation only one episode later, it struck me as very interesting that Roman makes a joke about what is for many a deep, childhood trauma. Now, I should clarify, I don’t believe Connor in any way abused Roman, and it seems fairly obvious Roman was just doing this for shock value, but there is a point to be made here. It seems pertinent to ponder whether Roman’s ‘dog cage’ experience could tie into a deeper, darker truth in his childhood. Maybe it’s possible that Roman actually did go into the cage willingly, and to some degree submitted--as much as someone who is emotionally/mentally abused as a child can--to his siblings’ game. All of them being children themselves, they wouldn’t have had the insight and maturity to understand his behavior was abnormal. What we do know of Roman’s experience is that it caused him to start wetting the bed, and he was eventually sent away to St. Andrews; again, he thinks this occurred against his will, Connor says he went willingly. What is interesting his Roman’s description of the effects of the ‘dog cage’ incident closely aligns with what may happen to a child who is molested. As Roman puts it, “Kendall locked me in a cage, I went weird, I started wetting the bed, and that’s why dad sent me away to St. Andrews.” Now, I should be clear, I am not a mental health professional of any sort, so all of what I say here is gleaned through years of reading about crime stories and second-hand research, but re-watching this scene caused me to remember that when Jon Benet Ramsey was murdered, many wondered--and still do--whether it was possible she was molested as a child due to her still wetting the bed at the age of six. From what we can gather, Roman would have been probably around the same age, if not older, when the alleged ‘dog cage’ incident occurred; his mentions of ‘going weird’ could be his best way to articulate what could have been a mental breakdown suffered during his childhood. His parents, having no clue what to do with him, would have naturally sent him to a rigorous, regimented school that, they believed, could have righted his ‘abnormal’ behavior. There are many signs children can possibly exhibit as a result of sexual abuse, but a few of them struck me because they describe even Roman’s adult behavior:

Regressive behaviors or resuming behaviors they had grown out of, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting

Overly compliant behavior

Decrease in confidence or self-image

Change in mood or personality, such as increased aggression

We notice Roman’s lack of confidence constantly over the course of the series. In Sad Sack Wasp Trap, we see him studying his body carefully in the mirror, obviously displeased with what he sees, and then quickly buttoning up his shirt when Grace enters. As an adult there’s no question that he is--around his father, especially--overly compliant, going along with what Logan says and most of the time unwilling to buck him. While Roman is certainly not aggressive in the sense of being a danger to others, we do notice that his temperament borders on the aggressive quite a lot of the time, and he has a sadistic side, taking pleasure in tormenting others for his own amusement. We also know that the infamous Lester McClintock--Mo-Lester--was a friend of Logan’s; while it’s not stated that he abused any children, if he was a family friend, there is a possibility he was around Roman as a child. Connor, in Safe Room, does tell Willa that Logan wouldn’t let his kids get in the pool with Lester, so the possibility of his being a pedophile is there. Maybe the abuser was someone else. Maybe Roman wasn’t abused at all and I’m way off base. But I bring the point up for discussion only because as I pondered it, I myself began to wonder. 

2. Patrick Bateman

SPOILER ALERT: The ending to the movie, American Psycho. is discussed below. 

In I Went to Market, Shiv makes a quip when Roman tells her he has a hobby, saying to him, “Killing hobos isn’t a hobby.” Anyone old enough to remember--or old enough to have watched American Psycho or read the book--will remember that Patrick Bateman, the novel’s famous protagonist, descends slowly into violence as his disgust for society deepens, and begins literally killing homeless people on the streets of New York City, using homicide as an outlet for his uncontrollable rage. For the sake of convenience, I will discuss the movie a bit here, as I read the book years ago and do not remember much. The end of the movie is open to interpretation, leaving the audience to decide whether Bateman did actually kill anyone and it was cleaned up for him because he was wealthy, or whether he simply fever-dreamed the experiences. It’s interesting that the show draws a tie to Patrick Bateman and Roman, but having considered Bateman’s behavior there are some similarities. Roman, like Bateman, has a total disregard for the lower class, no more openly displayed than in the pilot episode where he tears up the check in front of the little boy at his family’s baseball game. He also, as noted in the previous point, has a temper, sometimes flying quickly off the handle when things don’t go his way. He is tightly wound, constantly agitated by the world around him, and driven by impulse. Where Bateman’s impulses lead him to murder, Roman’s take a different path, leading him to push the envelope of appropriate behavior for shock value, or drop and pick up girlfriends like objects. While Roman certainly would never kill anyone in a literal sense, he is not afraid to destroy those beneath him without a second thought, obliterating Vaulter simply because he wants to, manipulating the staff into admitting they want to unionize--which  might’ve saved them--and then handing his information over to his father so as to leverage himself and his desire to shut Vaulter down over Kendall’s desire to keep it open. The point is is that the show, by drawing a link between these two characters, could perhaps be suggesting to the audience that Roman’s behavior, like Bateman’s, requires an understanding of nuance. Bret Easton Ellis, who wrote the novel, grew up in an environment similar to Roman’s, coming from a wealthy family, deriving much of his literary material from what he witnessed as a child and an adult. It could perhaps best be said that both characters are a study in how environments shape people: what they bring out in them, and what they create that, for better or worse, can be left to bubble just below the surface. 

3. Only Good?

This point will be fairly brief, but I did find it pertinent to comment on how many people in the fandom--maybe younger people who don’t understand the show’s nuances--seem content to constantly cast Gerri as an artless bystander to the cruises situation when this is simply not the case. It could be that some don’t recall, but in the above scene from Pre-Nuptial, Shiv demands that ATN lay off Gil Eavis by blackmailing Gerri, telling her that if she doesn’t get her way that she will blow the lid on the scandal that centers around Lester McClintock. What’s most important is the fact that when Shiv mentions the “cruise division horror show”, Gerri never asks for clarification regarding Shiv’s point. This, obviously, is because Gerri doesn’t need it. While I am not suggesting Gerri knew all along about the scandal, her lack of need for Shiv to clarify what she means by “the cover-up” is an indicator that Gerri not only knew what was going on before the audience did, but perhaps also had a hand in hiding what was happening. There could be many reasons she did so, but I felt compelled to make this point because so often people believe Gerri was caught off-guard by what was occurring at Brightstar, when in fact our introduction to her in the show was intended to serve as an indicator of her character. The phrase, “stone-cold killer bitch”, used flirtatiously by Roman, was not only intended to amuse, but also to give insight into her character. In order to survive and thrive in Waystar, Gerri would have had to have been anything but an artless child, and her reputation as a ‘stone-cold killer’ is apt, as it describes the sort of character a person generally has to take on in order to climb the ranks of the corporate world. Gerri’s panic as the cruises situation unfolds is not due to the nature of the incidences (nor is Shiv’s for that matter)--it is due to the panic she feels at having to take the fall for what occurred. What actually happened, the facts of it, don’t really bother her. That’s what makes a killer. 

[summerseachild]

I also powerwatched GoT Season 2...

I stopped pretending I was only going to have three things to say about each episode.  

2x01

1. Sandor backing Sansa’s “it’s bad luck to kill someone on your birthday” play is SMOOTH. He has her back and I kind of love it????

2. BRAN WARGING! Back when this show cared about magical/fantasy elements that weren’t the dragons.

3. Ugh Theon’s idealism when he offers to go to his family for Robb stabs me right through the heart. (Also he likes calling Robb “Your Grace” A LOT and it makes me cackle and then want to go read fic.)

2x02

1. Cersei asking after Jaime while everyone else looks awkward gives me joy.

2. Gilly!!!! She’s so darling. And so is Sam. And Jon’s “Hello Gilly. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” makes me giggle. What stellar delivery.

3. Theon returning to Pyke is so sad and the castle on Pyke looks SO COOL. (And Yarra keeping a straight face during that horse ride makes me smile just as much as Balon Greyjoy makes me furious.)

4. Bonus: Gendry telling Arya he knows she’s a girl is precious. In fact every second they are on screen are so cute it should be illegal.

5. Bonus bonus: John saw a white walker (Or was that a wight?) Pick up a baby at Craster’s in SEASON FUCKING TWO. How did they so thoroughly fuck up that arc?

2x03

1. This episode was written by Bryan Cogman and directed by Alik Sakharov; which means I was going to love it because Cogman cared a lot about the story and the books, and Sakharov did one of my favorite director commentaries I’ve ever listened to.

2. Brienne’s intro is so great. She is such SERIOUS BUSINESS. Renly genuinely smiling and being happy to have her around :....( he would have been a good king.

3. THEON’S FACE WHEN HE SAYS YOUR LAST BOY JUST LEAVE ME HERE also THAT SHOT OF THEON HIS FACE LIT BY THE BURNING LETTER AND ALL ELSE IN DARKNESS AKDHWISJHSJJSSHSJ CINEMATOGRAPHY AND DIRECTING

4. Bonus: I remember how cute Gethin and Loras’s actor were about Loras and Renly and it gives me warm fuzzies

5. Bonus bonus: Yoren giving Arya the idea that will become her list is a nice moment and A GIRL IS CLEVER telling them Gendry was the dead boy!

2x04: one of the only episodes written by a woman!

1. Ok I love Lannister soldiers playing “who is GOAT?” before Greywind attacks.

2. I’m sorry all the blood just rushed to my eyes because I saw red during the scene with Joffrey having Sansa beaten in front of EVERYONE.

3. Catelyn Stark angrily brandishing a knife at Littlefinger when he’s all “I’ve always loved yoooooouuu” is A Big Mood.

4. Davos “WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SEE” Seaworth, ladies, gentlemen, and honored folk....

2x05

1. Catelyn keeping her cool and being smart under pressure and keeping Brienne alive is some A++ women helping women stuff.

2. The room with all the latticework where Cersei and Tyrion talk is SO PRETTY. And Tyrion is... actually trying to do right by the city and his family. It’s sad, really.

3. I’d forgotten how much I liked Dagmer for actually helping Theon rather than just making fun of him for a lack of knowledge that isn’t his fault.

4. I remember there was some debate having Arya as Tywin’s cupbearer since it was a pretty major change to the books, but it gave us some great interactions between two super talented actors, and those scenes are... mostly(??) in character and reveal interesting things about them, so I’m on the side of “I love it.”

5. Wow, but the Fist of the First Men is beautiful. And I love Sam’s love of history and how it lets him do world building in an endearing way.

6. Brienne swearing to Catelyn literally just brought tears to my eyes.

2x06

1. Bran’s “Did you hate us the whole time?” to Theon is a moment that will have me in tears every time I hear it. Let’s just pretend I’ve flailed about every upsetting second Theon is on screen and how many awards Alfie deserves and call it a day.

2. Arya’s OH SHIT face when she hears that Littlefinger is about to come into the room... priceless.

3. Sandor Clegane is an Incredibly Useful Person.

4. I know he’s really different from the books, but Xaro Xhoan Daxos is so handsome and INTERESTING in the show, and Qarth is SO PRETTY. Like the clothes the sets... everything.

5. Probably Dyslexic Jaime is one of my favorite little touches the show added, and Tywin’s reaction to it was... very him.

6. Ygritte’s Wildling flirting is... both hilarious and adorable. Jon never knew what hit him.

2x07

1. Dany’s WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? Iconic, and understandable given that they are three of the rarest things on earth.

2. Shae being willing to knife a girl to keep Sansa’s secret. Friendship goals. Also the following conversation between Cersei and Sansa is nuanced and breaks my heart. Anyone who says Cersei is 100% evil didn’t watch this scene carefully enough.

3. Jaime talking about squiring for Barristan Selmy and how much he loves fighting is a good way to show us that when we can’t be in his head. (Also is this the same fight he was talking about in season 1 in Robert’s office with Barristan? I think it is...)

4. Quaithe was super cool and mysterious and I wish we knew more about her, and Pyatt Pree was CREEPY AS FUCK how did I forget that he killed the 13?

5. Oh right because there’s a Jaime scene next and somehow Brienne makes “Man” the worst insult ever and she is magical.

6. Also that Cersei and Tyrion scene at the end KILLS ME. “I always hoped he’d be like Jaime...” also she voices doubts in the show WAY MORE than book!Cersei does. But... Lena and Peter make it real and complicated.

7. SO MANY VOWS. I still love everything about this. And Jaime trying to press EVERY ONE of Catelyn’s buttons is... amusing as always.

1x08

1. Wherever Robb and Talisa are walking on the way back from the Crag is SO PRETTY I just want to pitch a tent and camp there for a week.

2. Jaime falling off a horse and introducing himself to Brienne like she doesn’t know who he is WHAT AN ASSHOLE I LOVE HIM. This is the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL ROAD TRIP.... Canoe trip?

3. I want to eat a pie with sour cherries like Hot Pie is describing....

4. Bronn and Tyrion trying and failing to pronounce that historian’s name is SO FUNNY to me right now. This show used to be good at balancing little character moments and Serious Business.

5. Jacqen H’Ghar is clearly asking himself how a man got himself into this situation with this strange girl.

6. Robb and Roose Bolton talking about hunting Theon down gives me the stomach lurches.

7. Robb Stark makes ROmanTiC BuT pooR LiFE ChOIceS

2x09: it’s BLACKWATER TIME! Huzzah for ships and sea battles!

1. Cersei getting the poison from Pycelle stops my heart a bit.

2. We get to hear a bit of “The Rains of Castamere” for the first time!

3. Nearly died laughing at Varys’ “I’ve always hated the bells.” ME AND YOU AND THE WHOLE FANDOM, MY FRIEND.

4. I still LOVE THE CLEVERNESS OF TYRION’S PLAN. And the suspense... so good. “There’s only one ship...” Bronn firing the arrow and it hitting the water ALL OF IT.

5. Increasingly drunk Cersei is cruel and tragic and funny and I love her so much my heart doesn’t know what to do.

6. “Awwww pooR Sandor” is a reaction I NEVER thought I’d have about his little moment of paralysis after seeing the burning soldier but we never step in the same river twice and all that, and this time around I def had that reaction. And cheered at “fuck the King” for SANDOR’s sake.

7. I’ve said this before but PODRICK PAYNE FOR SQUIRE OF THE CENTURY

8. oh hai Renly’s ghost and dad Lannister (Daddister?)

2x10: Valar Morghulis, BITCHES

1. Tywin’s horse shitting just outside the throne room because Tywin needed to ride it in for some reason is the line of Lannister Extra (tm) that makes me love this awful family.

2. Show Margaery Tyrell is a devious Player of the Game, and I am enjoying that this time around. (Also I see shades of Anne Boleyn in the Tudors, and that was a performance I enjoyed.)

3. Jaime WATCHES Brienne all the time, like he’s trying to figure her out, and then making up that story on a DIME, and the two of them trying to sell it... FRENEMY GOALS.

4. If people watch the scene with Theon and Maester Luwin and think Theon deserved what he got, they are dumb. My poor identity crisis in kraken from... (Also thank you subtitles for telling me WEX IS THERE? I love him in the books but I’m sure they just used that name without attaching it to someone.)

5. So in the books the House of the Undying was SO CREEPY I had to stop reading because it was too late at night and I was too freaked out and I WAS IN MY 30S! So the way they did it here was just so underwhelming. Yet more proof that the producers didn’t buy into or value the parts of the story that were too “fantasy.” Did Pyatt Pree just... not know dragons breathed fire? Or did he thing they were too little? Idk that seemed a stupid plan he had.

6. I’m fine just crying over Maester Luwin like I didn’t know he died.

7. In the final episode, if we get a shot of the throne room in the red keep looking like Dany’s vision... but with ash instead of snow... at least it’ll be a bit of continuity.

8. That third horn blast still gave me chills on a warm day. Well done, season 2.

[pumpkins-s]

Cold As Ice (With No Sign Of Life)

Read On AO3 Here

It is a dark, terrible thing that only crawls to the surface, like frost over metal, when she is alone. When she feels her paladin go with one of her siblings somewhere far away enough that her hold over the bond fuzzes and fades out, flat-lining into the barest of sensations, and she is left with only herself.

And she must be broken, she decides, to feel this way—because she is a leg, meant to be stable and secure and strong, as she has known from the beginning of her creation.

Legs do not get paranoid, or frightened, or…or lonely.

But she does. When her paladin leaves, the cold sets in. And the cold, it is nothing but lonely.

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Relationships: platonic Blue Lion & Lance

Characters: Blue Lion, Lance

Written for the @vldfanficremix2017, remixed from @hufflepirate‘s fic The Noise.

Blue hates the cold.

Well, theoretically, at least. It’s not as if she and her siblings are really equipped to feel temperature in the same way beings of flesh are, their closest approximation to the sensations stolen in fleeting echoes from the experiences of their paladins. The concept of wind-nipped fingers and foggy breath and all the things supplied to her by the bond are largely lost to her, for the most part.

No, Blue does not know the cold as her paladin does, but it is that feeling—the one that lodges somewhere between her gears and underneath her armor, heavy and dense, like a ball of ice—she decides must be like cold, that she hates.

It is a dark, terrible thing that only crawls to the surface, like frost over metal, when she is alone. When she feels her paladin go with one of her siblings somewhere far away enough that her hold over the bond fuzzes and fades out, flat-lining into the barest of sensations, and she is left with only herself.

Rarely does he get far away enough that she cannot feel him at all, but her hold over the bond has never been as strong as some of her siblings, and the mere knowledge that he is distanced enough that he could blink out of her existence at a moment’s notice is…well, as her paladin might put it, it’s scary.

And she must be broken, she decides, to feel this way—because she is a leg, meant to be stable and secure and strong, as she has known from the beginning of her creation.

Legs do not get paranoid, or frightened, or…or lonely.

But she does. When her paladin leaves, the cold sets in. And the cold, it is nothing but lonely.

…She hates it so. Never was she a creature built for hate, even for their enemies, so much as pity and a wish to repair what has been broken, but this—where there is no enemy to defeat but her own weakness—she can.

It never used to be like this, before. The ice set in over those ten thousand years, coating her during her restless, half-slumbering waiting. Ten thousand years of knowing everything as it once was has ended, her paladin along with it, and she could do nothing to stop it.

Until she’d laid eyes on her boy, her new paladin, and she had known—and the loneliness began to lessen.

He’s not quite unlike her former paladin, who’d held the confidence and sureness of a king in his every step, but not so far removed either. A little broken in his own way, but at least it makes them a suited pair, if nothing else.

Her paladin is lonely, too. Lost and flailing in the silence of the Altean castle of ghosts and forgotten things. She can feel it in the bond, ice creeping in on both sides when his doubts get the better of him. Which is why the fact that he leaves her so frequently make so little sense to her.

Surely, if he understood, he would not stray where she could not follow so often?

Perhaps he is not as afraid of the cold as she is.

Sometimes, she wishes she could burrow into that strange, impossible little head of his, beyond the bond and into the darkest corners of his mind. Pick over the nuances of the ways in which he thinks, behaves, acts, down to each subconscious impulse and firing neuron. Maybe then she would understand how to convey her thoughts to him in a way he could comprehend.

Mortals. They’re so brilliant, so quick and all over the place. Burning bright against the vast darkness of the universe.

How could she, a creature born of stardust as a gift from the cosmos, one whom slumbered for millennia in a bed of ice with only her own cold for company, ever hope to hold herself to them?

She and her siblings may be eternal, powerful beyond most imaginings, but mortals were the ones who shaped them, that gave them these forms. Mortals restructured them, gave them new purpose—dare she even say tamed them, in a sense.

Perhaps their paladins need Voltron, but they, the collective pieces of it, would be nothing without their paladins, either.

Without the paladins, they are on their own. And then the cold sets in.

It is a fact Blue is more than aware of—and that, that is what truly terrifies her. There are to far many possibilities, when her paladin leaves. A thousand ways he might never come back. What if he died out there, just far away enough that she could not come to his aide in time, or was captured, or simply…vanished?

…What if one of those times he left, he decided he preferred one of her siblings to herself?

Blue could hardly blame him, if that was the case. She’d be the first to admit she’s hardly the most appealing in terms of capabilities when compared to her siblings. Red chased her paladin down across the galaxies to protect him, Black shook off the hold of their former paladin to protect their new one, and Green and Yellow serve their positions in Voltron admirably and with care for their paladins. Red is fire and passion, Green is growth and ingenuity, Yellow is strength and stubbornness, and Black is grace and devotion.

And Blue—she is frostbite on her paladin’s fingers, surely. Why else would he leave? Why else did her first paladin leave?

He’s a sweet-talker, her paladin. Just like the previous one. Calls her sweetheart and gorgeous and baby when he wants something—access to a new weapon, a boost to win a race, her forgiveness when he feels he’s wronged her—but mostly, he does it because he knows she likes it. It’s flattery for flattery’s sake, but honest, well-meaning flattery. She might not understand it the same way one of his own kind would, but the intention translates over well enough, especially given this is a common habit between her paladins.

The other one had been that way too, knew how to twist his words sweetly to diffuse situations and get what he needed out of the reluctant. Coax the most serious to abandon and laughter.

He’d used those same sweet words on her, as both request and promise, time and time again.

Would you, sugar?

Can you, beautiful?

Please, baby?

Up until the end, when he’d taken her to that then-primitive planet, Earth, and had hidden her, under the red paladin’s orders to scatter Voltron. Had leaned forward after she reluctantly brought her particular barrier up, whispered to her to please wait here, darling. I’ll come back to get you soon. And she’d believed him.

She’d believed him, yet that wasn’t enough to get him to return to her.

The fault is not entirely his own, she knows. Whatever had happened to him—to all of them—in that final stand between the remaining paladins and Black’s former one, had ended in a fate worse than death. He could not have come back, even if he wished to.

But still, the knowledge had settled in over those many years of waiting, long after she’d felt the bond shatter and the frost began to form under her armor and between her plates, down into her core. He had known. He had known he was walking into the end of it all, that he would never be able to come back for her as promised, and had hidden that from her.

Even with the strength of their bond, she could not reach far enough to sense those hidden thoughts. It hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t been enough.

She had lost him, because she was not strong enough to realize what was happening and save her daft, brave, glorious paladin from his own destruction, and she could just as easily lose this one, too. What would stop him from lying to her, as well? Promises mean nothing when dealing with foolhardy, self-sacrificing paladins, even when breathed on soft, flattering words.

Any time he leaves could be the final time. When he is stolen away, or tempted by better things, or hides his true intentions from her under some foolish semblance of greater good.

It weighs heavy on her every time he departs. Every time the bond grows taught and thin, the sensations frayed, and she feels the promise of the ice on her back. If he leaves, really leaves, she will be alone again.

Blue does not know if a creature such as herself can die, but she thinks if anything would kill her, it would be that. The loneliness. It hasn’t even occurred, and yet she mourns its eventuality.

After one of those times when he leaves the castle with one of her siblings, blinking out from her conscious to the faintest glimmer, he comes to her with shuffling feet and cautious eyes. His own anxiety pings along the bond, and it tears her apart, because she never wanted him to be as she is—and yet he must be, because paladins are always a reflection of their lions.

Or perhaps it is the other way around. Would it matter, either way?

"You know I'd never leave you on purpose, right? You know that?" he speaks to her in that tiny, overwhelming voice of his, and she feels the frost between her joints. No, she doesn’t know that. Can’t possibly be sure of that. He speaks to her in those sugar-coated loving words she treasures, yet fears, and she doesn’t know how to explain, to give to him the comprehension of ten thousand years of that fearful aloneness.

And then he asks her. To take all he has to offer, beyond the bond and into his heart, in order to know his truth. Her former paladin had never offered such a thing, and she accepts it hesitantly. She slips into the recesses of his mind, and she finds no lie. He would not leave her, would never leave her, if given the choice.

There are cracks, because he is a little bit broken, just like her, but that is all right. Two broken things can yet make a whole. There is no ice here, only the warmth of his planet’s summer rains, and it brings her comfort.

I just wanna know you know how I feel.

He reaches out to her, with those warm waters and all that well-intentioned good, and she accepts, going to him as she did her first paladin all those millennia ago, when he gave her the promise of that one lie. She believed then, and despite it all, she wants to believe now.

Blue does not understand him completely, her little, excitable, bright paladin. But stars above, she wants to.

Perhaps that is enough. Perhaps the ice can thaw yet.