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#but ah well that's self discovery ig
joyboythehopepunk · 1 year
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the color of growth
the color of growth by donovan melero
it's one of those emotive songs that helps me feel things i normally put to the side. not sure if anyone else does this. where you just get into one of those moods.. where you have to think about/feel the things that are bothering you?
it used to be more self destructive for me than listening to a sad song or two. i used to be an alcoholic. i used to be depressed and a little bipolar.
but i'm autistic with cptsd. being in fucked up situations really does a number on me in a way it doesn't seem to mess with other people. that is why i have only been in handful of relationships.
things affect me much more intensely.
at first i thought i was just a highly sensitive person. well. at first i just thought i was a moody weirdo who happened to be intelligent.
anyway.. this part of my self discovery journey only began in earnest with a failed relationship. i had to know what was wrong with me.
but... just as i'd feared: nothing is more wrong with me than anyone else. i only confirmed i am fucked up. like everyone else. just in a different way. definitely less fucked up than the general public.
that was this issue, ultimately. if you're closer to health and your society is mostly sick.. you look more damaged. you look like the crazy one. but you're actually sane. more sane than any peers you've had. i'm also a statistical anomaly in a way, too. being mixed, trans, and disabled is common on this hellsite.
but lgbtq people, brown people, and neurodivergent people are technically still minorities.
anyway.. my journey has been a long one. and it isn't over yet.
the color of growth is a sad song about the loss of love and regret. which is mainly what I feel when i think of her. the one that really hurt me. for some reason.. it seems to hurt more than anything i can remember in a long time. and yeah, i know autistic people experience trauma more extremely.. but oof.
ramble. it wasn't just my fault. i know that. i just wish i could find someone who is as patient and considerate as i am. i make an excellent lover. it is too bad people keep proving me right about their characters. but we all have fucked up things going on. idk.
i'm tired of being alone. i have been alone my whole life - unlike others. no real emotional/mental support my whole life. was barely taken care of as a child. as an adult i've had no real friends/family.
people make me uncomfortable. and with how i've seen them treat one another (except in rare instances) it is understandable. why anyone would be wary. and maybe that is why people don't really seem to value relationships as much as they say.
but i am a voidpunk/spiritual being. i've never looked at humans the same way as other people. i value life, i really do. i probably value the connections more than normal. i see peoples' humanity more than normal.
but lately.. lately i have grown more detached. bc i just don't have the energy to give people. bc i'm tired of being hurt and disappointed.
people who don't see me as a person. people who can't respect or give space or support me. especially when i've always been a very giving person... why should i give them consideration? other than it's the right thing to do? (which has gotten me taken advantage of and misunderstood too)
always in lop-sided relationships. (bc people expect something specific out of me/expect more from me)
never understood or loved properly. (bc people don't know how to be there for me/love me. they only have so much space in their hearts ig)
there's no point to this post except for me to air my feelings out. it feels like i have a giant wound inside me. and tho i suspect others feel the same.. there is a difference in the clarity and magnitude of awareness.. how much we know of ourselves and others deepens such pain.
ah. it hurts. to think of loving and being loved in return.
(a/n: check out Aurora's Nature Boy song)
can't wait to find my companion, lover, and friend. hopefully i won't wait much longer.
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grantzarrr · 4 years
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Only Ethan’s e.d
Summary: Y/n cant please herself anymore now that she has been with Ethan. So Ethan decides that his dominance needs to be up leveled.
Warnings: smut, spanking, bad writing and a little of a lot really. Maybe some grammar mistakes.
A/n: helloo- um I had to ‘take a break’? ig because of a bad breakup but i have completely become perfectly ok without that asswhole :D also sorry its bad and long ( 2,382!!) I don’t know how to put the “keep reading” :/ thanks for 90 :33
“Why the fuck can’t I do this?” You sighed, there you were legs spread with nothing but Ethan’s shirt bunched up on you and some socks on. You were propped up on some pillows on the bed trying to please yourself so good like Ethan would do to you. But for some reason you just couldn’t make it feel the same as Ethan’s fingers could make you. Ethan was like a god at fingering you, had you on cloud nine every time, had you withering, flicking and bucking your hips up for more when his tips would dance dangerously close to your g-spot. And his beefy thumb slowly circling your clit that he would sometimes dip down and lick down on.
The way his perfectly giant hands got down on you had you weak, making you cum or even squirt every time. The eye contact this man gave was the icing on the cake for you, staring you up and down then worshiping your body. Ethan knew your pussy like the back of his hand that he’ll fuck you with— he knew what motion to work his fingers on each event that fell near. And for some reason you could not pleasure yourself like you used to before Ethan would, you was more than fine with your self pleasement and for damn sure knew your own body. It was like the only thing that worked was Ethan’s cock and fingers now and it would annoy you often, how come your boyfriend—which was heavenly by the way— how come his fingers automatically became the only thing to get you off? When you’ve been dating for about 10 months.
You never had a vibrater nor a dildo before but you decided to order both—just to see how they both worked for you. You ordered a purple 6 inch dildo, not as big as Ethan but it’ll do, you thought. Then you ordered and a bright pink, “4 setting, pleasure giving vibrater” which something you were actually looking forward to using.
But then you decided to try at least one more time with your fingers. But this time with a little help— you opened PornHub and tried finding some rough stuff just to get you going a bit. You angled your phone on the nightstand to where you could see it from the bed and got back in position, as the video started where the couple being already in their position made your pussy tingle some more. Though you just had to imagine it was Ethan to get yourself really up there.
And this is where Ethan had just got done from filming with Grayson and headed to your apartment. Just to cuddle though and not to walk in on his girlfriend trying to finger fuck herself— that was his job. Once he did pull up and make it there, he started getting all giddy and soft just knowing his girl was there in his hoodie nice and comfy on her phone or watching Netflix. Don’t get him wrong, he would love it if he seen her getting ready for some rough and hot sex— Ethan Dolan only did rough and hot sex. Especially after a long day of bickering with his idiot of a brother some hot sweaty sex was calling his name. But tonight he just thought he knew that you were all cozyed up and boy was he wrong.
He had a spare key for just in case, he thought that he wouldn’t tell you he was coming over because you looked so cute when your eyes lit up when he would surprise you and thinking you had his hoodie on he was so giddy. Ethan then slowly made his way down to your room and seen the door open halfway so he just took a little peep. And when he did every soft little moment left his head immediately. There his girl was vigorously trying to please herself using her other hand to roughly toy at her clit and oh look she was coping the man that’s fingering the girl on Porn.
Ethan froze right there in the door frame, freezing at the glorious site in front of him. He just stared at her beautiful pussy being toyed with— his perfect pussy. As the tint in his sweats started forming bigger, his frustration bubbled as well. He remember specifically telling Y/n that “Fucking with this pussy without my knowledge would just lead to you not being able to left a finger to touch it.” But he just knew that she would continue to be a little bratty fuck— like now.
He waited a bit though to just let this occurrence go through his mind a bit, just wanting to hear her little chokes and whines. But he had enough of the rougness Porn playing when he was right there so he decided it was enough. “What do we have here, baby?” He said now walking into the room, exposing himself to her.
And Y/n nearly jumped out of her skin at the immediate present of her boyfriend. “Ethan!?” She shouted immediately pulling a pillow over her lower half, out of fear. “Don’t try to cover up now, you sure exposed it all to the man on Porn.” He teased with you, and truthfully you couldn’t tell if he was pissed off or if he wanted you to continue. He then torn the pillow away from you and opened your legs back. Once he seen just how fucked your pussy looked from you toying at it, he compressed his groan and glanced back up at you from between your legs.
His eyes were darker than his usual gorgeous hazel orbs and full to the brim of lust. Then he spoke a deep hasty voice, “Get on your knees.”, it startled you a bit, never once has Ethan spoken so dark or even to you so coldly to do that. And you loved every second of it, your eyes fluttered as you processed this— and not to mention the absolute puddle he was making you. You were sure he seen it as you still sat there legs spread. But you coughed up a softly, “Wha- what do you want?”, At that he just clenched his jaw.
“I’m mighty sure I’ve made my intentions clear, I want you on your knees sucking my cock till your knees hurt and you’re begging me lift you up.” The words seem to just roll off his tongue so smoothly and you were lost for words. “Perhaps i need to put you in your bratty little place?” He taunted with you. All you did was nodd, it completely blew your mind on where this new Ethan came from, he was never this dominant before. Yes he’s had to throbbing and wet for him in seconds like this but never leaving you completely breathless. He grabbed your throat and kneeled you before him. 
You reached up to slide down his sweats while staring straight up at him, maintaining the unspeakable eye contact. He was already rock hard from just watching you and your pussy. You then palmed him slowly though his underwear. “Angel, please no teasing and suck my cock.” He whined out, this is where you knew he’s at his weakest point when you suck him off, he would melt and wither under you when he felt you deepthroating him or when you swirled and kissed around his tip. Going down to his balls sucking them and letting them out your mouth with a pop. Or when you would trace your finger up over him before using your full hand and giving it a squeeze, something he warn you about.
He then grabbed at your hair and starts thrusting softly into your mouth. This is him letting you know he want to throat fuck you, which you allow. He reaches for more of your hair as he speeds up his thrusts, “Fuckk— i can feel me in your throat.” He moans, pretty little sounds leaving his mouth as he continued. “Fucking gag on me Y/n. Take it all- show me how much you can take down your pretty throat.” You were getting so thrilled at his words that you started reaching down to rub your clit. Surely Ethan wouldn’t know with everything that’s going on.
You started moaning a little more than usual on his cock, he could tell. So he cracked his eyes to see you two fingers down playing with yourself, he immediately stopped. You didn’t even notice- with the pleasure you were receiving having you nearly close to getting off blindly you. “Let me fucking show you what happens to little brats who don’t follow rules.” He stated sternly. Pulling his underwear back up but only throwing his shirt and sweats down.
You were now bent over on Ethan’s lap with the fuzzy handcuffs—that was in the ‘secret box’ you and Ethan liked to call it— on your wrists. “I want you to say that you’ll never disobey me again after each spank, got that angel?” He asked but sounded more of a demand the asking. You nodded but only to Ethan’s disapproval, he slapped you ass on the right cheek leaving a small gasp from you and a small discovery of a new kink from both of you. “Nodding is gonna get you know where, angel.”
You laid there appalled at this, did he really want you to say it? Has Ethan become this dominant? “Yes sir!” You squealed, he seemed to be pleased at your response and rubbing you ass cheek he recently slapped.
*spank* “I won’t ever disobey you again, sir!” Spank after spank after spank it continued, you continued to 27 till Ethan felt that was enough. And every spank he gave you, you felt yourself get even wetter and you knew Ethan could too. Your thong was right against his tight, but still he dipped his fingers down and brushed against your heat. “Ah so that makes you wet huh? I should’ve known a brat like you would melt in a second over this.” And he threw to on bed on your back.
Since you were still in handcuffs, you couldn’t touch Ethan, you couldn’t reach over and pull him in. So you decided to really fuck with him about it, “Why the fuck do you have me in cuffs? Your an absolute asswhole for this.” You cocked a brow up when he clenched his jaw and glared at you. “Watch that mouth brat, but since you have so much to say let’s see what you can say with the pretty little gag on, hm.”
He pulled out a orange gag ball from the box, something you didn’t even know was there. He reached around and put it on your mouth and tighten it to fit you. “I’ve spoiled you for to long, got you thinking I won’t break you for this.”
He became by pushing his shirt up from your body and making his way down to your already soaked and toyed with pussy. He slid you thongs off and kissed your clit with his soft plump pink lips and wet tongue, pulling your swollen and throbbing clit between his teeth and sucking hard. Letting out a muffled moan from you and your back started arching off the bed.
He entered two fingers into your pussy, a small form of relief when you felt him dive in. It was finally his fingers, he started speeding up with his movements, licking at you clit, he loved the way your pussy would take him and the way he could slide in so easily. “Mm my fucking pussy.” He growled and dived back down, lapping away so heavenly. Your high started back rising, his finger tips knocking at you g-spot leaving you to flick and buck you hips up so you could cum. He fingers were like perfectly molded for your pussy like it was made for you and you only.
“Mmm.” He heard you from the gag, “gonna cum for me?” He raised from your pussy to glance at you. You hurried and nodded, and Ethan stopped there, you groaned through your gags, really needed that release. “You’re only coming around my cock angel, keep those pretty legs spread for me.”
He was know hamming into you, legs on his shoulders, hands cuffed on the railing headboard and gagged to keep that bratty little mouth shut. Ethan looked up at you to see that your eyes were squeezed shut, so he smacked your inner tight, “Eyes open, angel. Want you to see who’s fucking yo this good.” He snapped, and you didn’t want to him to stop so you forced yourself to keep your eyes open. “Ugh, my pussy is taking me so good, such a pretty little pussy.” He moaned
You were so fucked out and tried already, and your mind being so hazy from the pleasure and the pain that you could only take it, your body trembling as he quickened his pace of his thrusts and strokes. Ethan could sense that you were so close, he didn’t even bother slowing down as he brought you closer to your release. You moaned his name loudly, legs beginning to shake again as you pulled on the cuffdaround your wrists and spit forming on the sides of your gag.
Your head was spinning as you felt his dick twitch inside you. You hoped he would let you cum you were so closed, your toes started curling as you almost reached that point.
“Fuckk- cum, right now angle cum with me.”
His words triggered you so much you came in an instant. The tightness of your pussy when you came made him release early, his cock squirting into you as he filled you up, knowing you were on birth control anyway. He then feel onto you, dick still in you as he uncuffed you and took off your gag.
You both layed there for a minute enjoying each other’s warmth untill Ethan got up and slipped his dick out of you. You felt so empty, he came back and cleaned you up then he layed back with you. “You look so pretty after a good fucking.” He said so softly, it made you giggle. “I love you and this new dominant side.” You said, he just hummed in response.
“You think we need a bath?” You whispered, “Not yet, I wanted to cuddle from the beginning and I get cuddles now.”
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alittletournesol · 6 years
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Kingdom Of Jinju {MinKey} part 9/33
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Chapter 9 : Lending a hand
Jonghyun was slowly walking between the desks, in the classroom, while his students were busy reading the words on their scrolls. They had just returned from their morning break outside and the teacher would always reduce their youthful energy by giving them a reading lesson. But before he would teach them how to read new things, he would give them a moment of peace, when they would take their time to remember the words from the previous lesson.
Thus, the classroom was almost quiet if it wasn’t for the two youngest students who needed to whisper what they read to help themselves. At first, it had bothered their mates and particularly the oldest ones, who were entering their teenage years and obviously tended to get irritated more and more easily. Jonghyun had faced his friends’ adolescence before, it wasn’t a new situation to deal with and curiously, he was handling it quite correctly.
After all, it was nothing but a period for children to grow up and find their inner self, with both their body and opinions changing maybe too fast for them to follow the rhythm. It was a time of curiosity, of wonders, and of course, of discoveries that weren’t always in agreement with adults’ ways of thinking. With an extreme sensitivity added to all of that, it was beyond understandable that fights occurred, degrading one’s equilibrium.
“Teacher ?”
A tiny voice shyly called for Jonghyun and he raised his head, his eyes searching for the origin of the call. He smiled at the boy who was looking, up towards him and lifting his hand as soon as he got noticed. He was one of the youngest from all of his five years of age, but he was extremely smart and full of promise when it came to numbers. Reading, on the other hand…
“What is it, Minguk ?” The teacher asked as he crouched next to the desk. “Are you done ?”
“No, teacher.” The boy said, seeming embarrassed considering the pout on his small lips. “I dunno how to read this word…”
“First, boy, it’s I don’t know. Careful when you pronounce it, okay ? Then, this word, let’s read every letter first just like teacher taught you. What is this one ?”
“Hmm… b ?”
“Almost there ! Look.” Jonghyun took the student’s pencil and wrote the letter on the scroll. This is b, see its belly ?”
“Yes, it’s huge like mommy’s belly !”
“That’s because Minguk is going to have a little brother or sister soon. Now, back to the b. It has a big belly, can you hear it, big belly ? So it is a b. What if teacher puts the belly… on the back ? Is it the same letter ?”
“Ah, no ! It’s a d !” 
“Excellent ! So here we have a d. Next one, what is this letter that looks like the moon when it’s round like this at night ?”
“I know that one ! It’s a o !”
“Very well, and the last one ? It’s the most difficult one among the three but I’m sure you can remember it. Let’s recite the alphabet and find out what letter it can be, try to recognize it.”
“Yes teacher. A, b, c… d, e… h… no, f ! G… Oh, teacher, it’s a g !”
“You’re right, Minguk ! So we have a d, a o and a g. Try to read them all together.”
“D… Do… Dog !”
“Wonderful, a dog. It’s perfect, boy, keep going like this and you will soon read better than me.”
Jonghyun smiled and ruffled the student’s hair before he stood up and started walking again. He carefully observed every single child, studying their features to notice any kind of discomfort on their face, could it be a frown, a pout for the youngest ones or a quiet sigh. He stopped next to a few students to help them the same way he did with Minguk : the kids might not be all of the same age, with a seven years gap between the eldest and the benjamin of the class, but they all had the same level.
None of them knew how to read, write nor count. For their parents were working a lot to make their family live quite decently, they had had no one to teach them… until their new tutor showed up, by order of the King. It had been great news for the people to have the school renovated and more than that, to send their children to receive an education. 
The teacher was helping one of his students when the classroom’s door opened, making everyone turn their head towards the newcomer. The atmosphere suddenly tensed up as the King’s General was stepping inside, slightly bowing to salute Jonghyun and nodding to some children. He remained silent, as always, and walked until the end of the room to lean against the wall behind two windows.
The blonde man frowned when he noticed how fast the kids looked back at their words, some of them having their shoulders slightly lifted, in an uncomfortable position, as if they were trying to hide. It wasn't the first time this situation happened, and Jonghyun had been busy observing these reactions : the soldier didn’t come every day but once to twice a week, spending at least four hours in the classroom. He wouldn’t move nor talk, but just stood there without disturbing anyone.
If discipline was needed, he would let the teacher do his work and would never interfere. After all, he was coming only to keep an eye on the good working of this new teaching, not to make sure each child would listen well to the adult and study hard. The main topic of his report obviously was their progress throughout the weeks, but his sovereign also wanted him to tell about Jonghyun’s behaviour as a teacher… and somehow, as a subject. The man’s reliance was still tested, it wasn’t a secret and he had to show how loyal to his King he could be.
As for today, nothing negative had stained Jinki’s reports, and he was relieved about it. Even though he didn’t show it because of his reserved nature, he was completely approving Minho’s decision to inaugurate a school for the people, and he wouldn’t appreciate for it to be closed again, because of Jonghyun’s misbehavior. 
“Kids, you all worked well.” The latter’s voice suddenly resounded in the room as he walked towards the board. “Now it’s time for our new lesson, which means…?”
Silence answered his question, and he raised an eyebrow with surprise. All students would usually show themselves extremely involved in everything their teacher proposed, yet it was strange and sort of worrying not to see even one hand being raised. The blonde man looked at every child, but it was as if they were avoiding his eyes, staring either at their scrolls or at the floor in front of their desk.
It took him a second to understand that they were not exactly avoiding him. They were making the biggest effort not to move, not to look behind them.
“Which means,” Jonghyun repeated, “new words. Last time, we read the names of some animals, right ? Today, I prepared something else you all know well : colors ! So everyone look up, please, what’s with those faces ? Aren’t you happy to learn how to read ?”
“Yes, teacher…”
Children answered all together this time, as they obeyed and raised their head, but it lacked their usual enthusiasm. 
“Fine, let’s start then. Here is our first color.”
Jonghyun offered his back to the class to write the word red on the board, and the lesson began as it always did : he grabbed his wooden stick and put its tip under each letter, making his students read every letter one by one before assembling them to form sounds. Only after this, they would try to read the entire word and copy it on their scroll. Reading and writing were complementary, yet the teacher would walk between the desks to check the spelling of each word.
He wrote a few colors and made the kids read them, taking more time than usual as some of them seemed to struggle even more than before. But it wasn’t normal, and a sort of worry was noticeable in their voice. The blonde one ended up worrying in his turn, and he put his stick on his own desk before staring at the class with concern.
“Okay, what is it ?” He asked, his voice soft and willing to reassure everyone. “Is today’s lesson difficult ? You can tell me, I won’t be angry at you, I know it’s really difficult to learn how to read.”
“No, teacher…” All students answered, some even shaking their head.
“Then is it the topic ? You didn’t want to learn how to read colors ?”
“Colors are fine, teacher.” A girl said.
“I’m relieved. But there is something wrong today and I can feel it, you all feel bad at the moment. Come on, I promise you I won’t scold you, I just want to understand why you look so unhappy.”
“It’s just…” The boy named Yoogeun ended up saying, gulping. “I mean…”
“Yes, go ahead. There is nothing to be afraid of.”
“We are slow, teacher… what if the King thinks we can’t learn and decides to cancel school ?”
Jonghyun raised his eyebrows, his surprise growing more important by seconds passing. As an answer to their classmate’s words, he noticed how some children slightly turned their head but stopped their movement so they wouldn’t completely look behind them. The teacher pondered the explanation for a few seconds and studied his students’ expressions and movements, even the most imperceptible ones.
And then, it hit him.
“Are you afraid that the General is here to tell the King that you are slow at learning ?” He asked, smiling to show them how this situation was not as serious as they thought.
And finally, he got a positive answer. It wasn’t vocal, but the way every single kid nodded frantically and seemed to relax a bit… it talked for them.
“I understand now.” Jonghyun said. “Well, you don’t have to feel stressed by the General’s presence, because it’s absolutely not why he is here. Listen, first of all, the King is sending our brave General here because he wants to know if school goes well for you. He doesn’t want to verify if you’re fast, but to know if you like to learn and to see your progress. So everything is fine, you will not be scolded because you think you’re slow, and the school won’t be closed because I will never let it happen. Then, it’s completely normal that we are going slowly, because you have to learn everything. And there are a lot of things to learn, so we must take your time. I want you to be as slow as you need to, because it will not be good for you if you try to go fast. Don’t feel bad because you’re slow, there is nothing wrong with that. Do you understand ?”
“Yes, teacher.” The children said with a bit more enthusiasm than before, making their tutor smile.
“And do you want to hear a secret ? Even the General is slow when he reads.”
“Really ?!” 
On these words, every kid stood gaping and immediately moved on their chairs to turn towards Jinki, who tensed up and almost lost all colors on his face. He, who wasn’t comfortable around children in a first place, was now the centre of attention of around thirty young humans. But what was even more awkward is that he had just been used, and when he looked up at Jonghyun… he was stunned by the death stare he was receiving.
Well, it wasn’t really a bad stare… but the teacher was definitely using his eyes to tell him to behave. And by behave, he meant to play the game. So, to admit something wrong to reassure those kids.
“Come on, General, they asked you a question.” Jonghyun rubbed it in, and the slight smirk on his lips didn’t go unnoticed by the soldier.
“Yes, I heard it.” The latter mumbled before clearing his throat and standing straight, trying to still look impressive despite what he was about to say. “It’s true, kids. Reading is difficult, even for adults.”
“Do you know how to read, mister soldier ?” The youngest girl asked, chuckling as all her fear seemed to have disappeared.
“Of course I kn—” The blonde man’s stare cut him off and he corrected himself. “I mean, a little bit.”
“If teacher isn’t with him, he struggles just like you.” Jonghyun added, smiling but trying not to look like he was making fun of Jinki. “So there is no reason for you to be afraid of the General, are we good on this ?”
“Yes teacher !”
“Does it mean mister soldier is learning how to read with us when he comes here ?”
“No, teacher must help him when we don’t have class !”
“Teacher, mister soldier can sit next to me if he wants to learn with us !”
Jinki looked at every child speaking in one after another and raised his head, looking daggers at the teacher who couldn’t help but laugh at his students’ questions. What an humiliation. At least it gave back their enthusiasm to the kids and the lesson could start again with a whole new atmosphere, the kind Jonghyun appreciated. Colors’ names sounded like the best thing ever, and he even had time to teach about some shades of blue before it was time for lunch.
As usual, he asked everyone to tidy their belongings so nothing would move because of the open windows while they weren’t inside the classroom. Once it was done, he sent half of his students home, where their parents would feed them before sending them back ; the teacher made sure to give them firm recommandations in order not to have them running around and risking to hurt themselves. Then, he led the rest outside, on the meadow that would welcome the kids during their breaks. 
Students started playing along with each other while Jonghyun stayed next to the bench, lighting a fire under a cooking pot. It was something he loved to do, cooking lunch for his students while they were enjoying a short rest before eating, to whet their appetite. That day’s set menu was a sort of stew with beef, potatoes and carrots. He had already cut everything during the first break, so he only had to cook everything.
Standing next to him, Jinki was keeping a close watch on the children, wincing when he saw a little boy falling on the ground. But his classmates were quick to pick him up and to dust his knees.
“They will be fine.” The teacher said without looking up, stirring his stew. “They know the rules so you can drop your guard.”
“Will that scare them too ?” The General asked but obeyed, his shoulders unwinding.
“Your stare ? For sure it will, I mean, for the youngest ones.”
“I never meant to scare them.”
“Of course you did not. But they are children, and moreover, children of the people. Having a soldier around them is already burdensome, but you are the General. It is normal that they feel even more uncomfortable, since they know that you are the closest to the King.”
“What about the oldest ones ? It was not fear I saw in their eyes when they looked at me.”
“No, it was mistrust. Typical reaction from teenagers, they are trying to be noticed but they are clumsy and do it by seeking conflict. You do not have to feel uncomfortable, General, they will not disrespect you as long as I am here. I cannot promise you anything outside school, nevertheless.”
“I am more feeling uncomfortable by the fact you keep taking so formally to me. Maybe we should drop that, since I’m going to be there often ? It will relax the kids, too.”
“I think it’s a wonderful idea. Should we call each other by name ? Or is it too comfortable ?”
“I suppose we can. But not in front of them and no nicknames, no hyung or whatever.”
“I’m good with it. Nice to meet you, I’m Jonghyun.”
The teacher softly smiled and his eyes closed, just a bit to make them look like two crescents, as he offered his hand to the soldier. The latter first cocked an eyebrow, but eventually shook hands with the other man, clearing his throat.
“Jinki.”
He only said this word before Jonghyun nodded and went back to his stew, making sure it was well cooked before he shouted an order to the students. Children immediately stopped their games and came running towards the two adults ; at first they stood in line, and their teacher waited for everyone to pay close attention. Then, he started filling their plates, one after another, and gave one to each of his students until the very last one. Kids ended up sitting in a circle on the grass and eating while talking with each others. 
Jinki looked at them for a moment, imperceptibly laughing when he noticed how the youngest girl was staying really close to the oldest boy, the latter wiping her mouth and feeding her himself from time to time. It was a cute thing to see, and as the soldier he was, he thought that this little girl had her personal bodyguard. He was drawn out of his thoughts by the other man handing him a plate, twice as full as the children’s.
The soldier nodded to thank him and took the recipient before sitting on the bench. Jonghyun joined him and they started eating quietly, looking more at the students than at their own plate. The silence was broken by Jinki, whose question made the teacher laugh, with his so beautiful crystalline voice.
“So… do I have to pretend I don’t know how to write either ?”
In the meantime, the bell announcing lunch had also rung in the royal palace, and Kibum was walking alone towards the dining room. He had spent a good part of his morning resting since the reception from the night before had lasted longer than he had expected. The moon had been high in the sky when he had joined his quarters and the first sunbeams of the sun piercing through the curtain hadn’t woken him up as usual.
He was known as an early bird, but when none of the employees had seen him walking in the gardens at his usual morning hour, they had all understood that it was well advised not to disturb him. His absence had made several servants talk, and for once it had only been about compliments : they had all recalled how their Prince had joined them for the preparations and been a precious help, without being mean to them regarding his higher status. It had been deeply appreciated that he had even put himself at their level by removing his royal attire to work with them.
This benevolent behaviour had worked to his advantage, as the few people still not believing in his potential good side had suddenly changed their minds. Thus, Kibum found himself blushing when he was greeted by employees in the corridor, everyone smiling at him and wishing a good day to his Grace. Yet, he could also make out some stares which weren’t as welcoming, but he pretended not to care and politely smiled to the persons.
When he approached the dining room’s doors, a soldier announced him and the Prince guessed his husband and mother-in-law must be there already. He entered the room and bowed before looking at the King, standing next to the window and offering him a wide smile, while the Queen Mother was already sitting on her chair and barely answered his greeting. She nodded, but kept her lips pursed and avoided his eyes.
“My Prince, I was afraid that perhaps we would not have you with us today again.” Minho said as he approached the other man, bowing in his turn. 
“I apologize again for the previous lunches I missed, your Highness.” Kibum answered, slightly smiling. “I tend to forget about basic needs like eating when I am overloaded, yet, this should change from now on.”
“Your presence honors and delights us. Please, have a seat.”
On these words, the King approached a free chair and kindly pulled it away from the table so his husband could sit. The Prince smiled and tried his best to prevent his cheekbones from becoming pink at the attentions, as he sat down and cleared his throat. Seeing the other man had hit him with memories of the night before, and his mind had travelled back in time to this waltz, sending a shiver along his spine. 
He could remember Minho’s words clearly, and it was like he could feel his breath against his ear again as soon as he was recalling this moment. His heart had needed a few minutes to recover but it had all been thanks to a woman clumsily hitting him with her elbow while dancing. He had immediately apologized and come back to his throne, observing everyone else from afar and trying not to feel overwhelmed by this situation… Traditions. It had only been about yielding to traditions and the King had played the game until the end.
Nothing more.
Lunch was served and Kibum heard his stomach show its enthusiasm, what made him blush when he noticed everyone else around the table had heard it too. Minho laughed heartily but his smile suddenly disappeared when his eyes fell on the plate’s contents.
“Please, my apologies, I forgot to warn you.” He said, turning his head towards the servant. “Could you bring the Prince his meal without carrots ? This plate will be for me.”
The dark haired man raised his eyebrows, surprised like he had never ever been. It was true that he had a love-hate relationship with carrots, but never had he told his husband about it. The latter must have noticed his stupefaction, because he smiled to him.
“I noticed your face when you ate carrots during yesterday’s dinner.” He said. “I may have asked Taemin about it when I met him in the corridors this morning…”
“Oh, I see.” Kibum nodded, relaxing his features. “I suppose he did not resist the temptation to reveal another one of my dark secrets. Indeed, carrots and me do not get along well.”
“I will keep in mind that I owe you a secret, once again.”
“I believe it will be about something disciplined and safe, once again.”
The King raised his eyebrows for a second but the Prince’s smirk before he drank didn’t go unnoticed and he laughed, ignoring the suspicious look his mother threw him. A few minutes passed by in an uncomfortable silence, only chewing sounds being heard in the room. Kibum ended up looking up to catch a glimpse of the two persons with him : he had Minho on his right for his husband was always sitting at the end of the table, while the Queen Mother was sitting on the opposite side.
This forced her to face her son-in-law, and her discomfort was noticeable — she was making sure it was, and it didn’t go unnoticed by her son. The latter decided to end this awful silence and emptied his mouth, drinking a bit before clearing his throat.
“What did you thing about your reception, Mother ?” He asked out of the blue, and the woman looked up, tenderly smiling to the man.
“It was delightful, my son.” She said, and the way her attitude changed when she talked to the King upset Kibum, yet he didn’t show anything. “I believe you were planning everything for days, am I right ? Everything was so well thought, and I appreciated a lot the way you decided of the theme. It suited our season and I was pleased to wear a pastel attire.”
“You always loved pastel, I know that well. Your dress was as beautiful as spring, and I believe the Prince agrees with this. I heard you were really interested in clothes, my Prince ?”
Kibum almost choked with his own saliva when his husband addressed him, and the Queen shuddered with surprise. She hadn’t been prepared for her son-in-law to be brought in the discussion.
“Indeed, your Highness.” The Prince answered, slowly nodding. “My mother sews very well and she knows how to craft her own outfits. She often imports fabrics from Maguk and creates her ceremonial outfits, for receptions, or even her night clothes. I learned it from her and found interest in creating too… but I am not doing it, I content myself with resewing damaged clothes.”
“This is really interesting, isn’t it, Mother ?” Minho smiled. “And what did you think of the Queen’s dress, yesterday ?”
“I think the color is perfect for your complexion, your Majesty, and the cut was perfect for your morphology… but I do think you know it already. My apologies.”
“There is no need to apologize, please. You see, Mother, it was not me who prepared this wonderful reception in your honor. It was the Prince.”
The Queen seemed to freeze on her chair as her jaw tensed, and Kibum thought he was going to run away. But the King was still smiling, wishing to give his husband the recognition he deserved for the hard work he put in these preparations. And now that he had the proof that his mother had adored her party, he wouldn’t let her walk over the Prince. 
It was his way to take his revenge on the slap she dared to give him, days before.
“I was too busy with the council members’ resignations at that moment, so I asked my husband to be in charge of your reception.” Minho pursued before drinking a bit, relishing this moment. “He was kind to accept when nothing forced him to, and I was so grateful. This is even more delightful to know you appreciated his efforts, Mother.”
“I…” The Queen started. “Indeed, I liked this reception. It was correct and appreciable.”
“Are you being modest all of sudden ? My dear mother, please. You can say what you really think, I think the Prince will be relieved to know his work was that good.”
The woman seemed on the verge of bursting out, but her son was remaining calm and kept a smile on his lips. It was a smile that was clearly notifying his irritation regarding his mother’s attitude, insolence exulting. After a few seconds that felt like hours, the Queen ended up sighing and for the first time since the slap, she looked up and her eyes met Kibum’s.
“This reception was a marvel.” She confessed, and even though she looked like she was saying the hardest words ever, her sincerity was perceptible. “You definitely have a good sense of organisation, your Grace.”
“Thank you, your Majesty…” The Prince bowed his head, and he couldn’t hide a slight relieved smile. “My only wish was to please you, and for everything to be in harmony with your magnificence. I meant my words when I said pastel suits you, that is why I decided to have it as the main theme of this event.”
“It is delightful to hear. If I had known earlier than you have such interesting tastes…”
“It would have prevented a previous incident between the Prince and yourself, indeed.” Minho cut his mother off, and his stare became more serious. “Now, Mother, I will ask you to remain courteous and to behave in front of my husband. I will no longer tolerate your childish behaviour, he is your son-in-law and one of the rulers of this kingdom. You must show him as much respect as you do with me.”
“I understand your words, my son.”
The Queen nodded as she said that, and she turned her head towards Kibum, slowly bowing the upper part of her body as a way to apologize for everything that had been said and done to him before. The Prince felt uncomfortable and lowered his eyes for a second, but when he heard his husband clear his throat, he looked up and noticed that Minho was smiling to him… and he slowly blinked, as a malicious way to tell him everything was fine now.
The Prince smiled back, and for once it wasn’t as slight as usual. 
“I accept your apologies, your Majesty.” He eventually said so his mother-in-law would straighten up and look at him. “I hope we will be able to start again on a sound basis, for I wish to serve my King as much as I can and to rectify my mistakes from the past.”
“And I am grateful to hear it.” The woman smiled, and the look in her eyes was softened. “I would be honored to hear about how you came up with all these ideas… I also learned from my companion, Joohyun, that there had been a disaster in the kitchens right before the reception ? Please tell me more.”
Under the King’s encouraging stare, Kibum eventually smiled and nodded, starting to confess everything that had happened during the week of preparations. The Queen was curious and so, she listened carefully to what her son-in-law was saying ; she ended up joining the talk herself, making some comments and asking for more precisions about this and that.
Minho emptied his plate without interrupting them, and he felt extremely proud inside. The tension between his mother and husband had been bothering him since the first day, not to say since he had known about the slap, and he had tried to find a subtle way to avenge the Prince’s dignity. Everything had worked just the way he had planned, and the glint he was now seeing in the woman’s eyes was the proof that the hatchet was buried… for long, he hoped.
Yet, what was making him prouder and shook him with raw emotions, was the way Kibum had called him out loud. My King. He hadn’t said this while looking at him, yet it had been the really first time he had designated him with another title than your Highness. It felt refreshing, and the way it was echoing to his own way to always call him my Prince was making his stomach feel strange.
Those were just some words, and he had heard the word king being said around him for so many years. Now he was even hearing it to talk about him, it shouldn’t feel any different. But he had the new and irrepressible need to hear the Prince call him this way again, just to feel this pride combined to a new kind of emotions again. 
But at that moment, he didn’t want to pressure the beautiful man sitting next to him. He didn’t want to draw his attention for the pure and simple reason that Kibum was smiling. And it was making him speechless, unable to say a word, to let a single sound escape his throat. The dark haired man was talking about the incident with the cake, and he had this smile that betrayed his need to laugh about the situation he had had to face. 
Minho already thought his husband was of a rare beauty, it had surprised him at first but he had gotten used to it with weeks passing. But seeing this smile enlightening this pure and gorgeous face… it was beautiful beyond imagination, and no word existed to describe how he felt as he couldn’t take his eyes off of the Prince’s face. All he knew was that he needed to make everything he could to see this smile again, to never let it disappear again.
“Hyung, you’re still in bed ?! Get up, quickly !”
The sound of Taemin’s voice arrived ahead of the quarters’ door closing, and the young boy put the fourth bucket of hot water next to the bath tube, before he rushed to the huge bed. He caught the white sheets and mercilessly pulled them to uncover the body of his friend, Kibum immediately curling up on his mattress before he raised his head. His sleepy eyes were half-open and he frowned.
“What are you doing ?” He asked with his hoarse morning voice. “I was having a wet dream, you ruined everything.”
“Do you know what time it is ?” The youngest man replied, ignoring the Prince’s question. “I came twenty minutes ago ! Listen, I know you celebrated a lot yesterday but now, Seollal is over and you’re expected at the Royal Council ! How can you still be sleeping ?!”
“The Royal Council…?”
Kibum’s eyebrows furrowed even more for a second, as he stared at Taemin who was pouring the content of each bucket in the bath tube. It hit him when the boy took a very official attire out of the wardrobe : the celebration of the New Lunar Year had taken place the night before, and now that it was over, it was time for the King to announce their upcoming departure to Dongjeo, assuming the reply from the Prince and Princess had been positive.
Once he got a grip on himself, the Prince jumped out of bed and let his night shirt fall at his feet, tying his long hair in a messy bun before entering the tube. He hushed his friend away, quietly notifying him that he would wash alone so it would be done faster, and while Taemin was preparing the brush, ribbons and hairpins, Kibum rubbed his body with soap and rinsed it. He then stood up and grabbed a towel to dry his skin.
Once he had his bathrobe covering his naked person, he sat at his dressing table and let his companion take care of his hair. The young boy untied it and let the long strands fall on the Prince’s back, combing them out with gentleness and carefully brushing them. On the meanwhile, the elder was slowly rubbing his skin with a cloth slightly soaked with rose water, to wake his skin up and become fresh-faced. 
It took them several minutes before Kibum’s hairstyle was perfect thanks to Taemin’s impressive skills — that boy was more gifted with his hands when it came to style his master’s hair than to hold a sword, but that should never be said — and when the companion was helping the royal to get dressed, they finally found time to breathe and have their usual morning chit-chat.
“Has the council already begun ?” The Prince asked.
“I think so, the King was about to leave his quarters when I came back here.” His friend replied. “He asked me if you were up and ready to join. I kinda panicked.”
“What did you tell him ?”
“That you were having nausea.”
“For fuck’s sake, Taemin !”
“I know, but it’s so flustering when he talks to me ! He smiles at me like a big brother would do and I’m confused ! And you should thank me, at least he doesn’t know you were still sleeping.”
“Sure, and now he will think I’m late and sick because of alcohol.”
“That’s true, you drank alcohol last night… traditions are scary, why did you have to drink that much ?”
“I don’t know, but since when traditions are reasonable ? I thought my head was going to explode at the end of the celebration… I wonder how the King held his drink so well.”
“I suppose he had some pride and didn’t want to look weak in front of you or the nobles. Or maybe he’s just strong. I mean, have you seen how he’s shaped ?”
“Do you think I’m wasting my time staring at him ?”
“I don’t think, I know it. You’re so obvious, you find him attractive. I know the look in your eyes, hyung. And don’t you dare trying to deny ! I know you since I’m born.”
Kibum didn’t reply and rolled his eyes, only asking for his friend to hurry. Once his outfit was perfectly adjusted, he carefully put his hat and made sure no strands were escaping it — he hated it, he liked his face to be elegantly surrounded by some bangs. He wasted no more time and put his shoes on before leaving his quarters, followed by Taemin who almost had to run to stay level with the Prince.
The latter walked along the corridors of the palace, greeting every employee they met with a smile and a nod, for he was too much in a hurry to do it properly. After a few minutes, they finally arrived in front of the Council Room’s doors, which were guarded by a soldier, who politely bowed before his Prince. He asked them to wait a moment before he discreetly slid inside the room to warn the King about his husband’s presence.
Since they were alone, Taemin decided to ask the question that was burning his lips.
“Hyung, does it really annoy you to know that the King might like you ?”
“Stop telling nonsense and imagining some fantasies, Taemin.” Kibum sharply said as he tensed up. “We’re married, it’s a fact, but nothing will happen between us, for the pure and simple reason than he doesn’t have a penchant for men like I do.”
“You don’t know about that.”
“I know enough, and even though I’m really… pleased, by the way he treats me, nothing more will ever happen. He’s charming, handsome and certainly the kindest man I ever met but he’s my husband because of political reasons and I have no right to imagine more. He will never want someone like me in another way.”
“You’re underestimating yourself again, hyung… but if you’re so defeatist, does it mean that you… you considered or just thought for a second about the King as more than just a political husband ?”
The question remained unanswered for the enjoyment of Kibum, who was feeling drops of sweat forming on his temples and nape, when the door slightly opened on the soldier from earlier. Both men looked at him, the man seeming embarrassed.
“Your Grace, I offer you my sincere apologies but the members of the Royal Council are extremely agitated and his Highness is having struggles.” He explained, bowing. “I could not announce you.”
The Prince cocked an eyebrow and was about to answer when a vehement hubbub was suddenly heard from the inside of the room. For sure, those old men were being rude and it wasn’t the first time. Kibum could imagine the chaos behind the door, and how his husband was certainly feeling overwhelmed. It was like adrenaline was now running in place of blood in his veins, and he thanked the soldier before he brutally pushed both doors open.
Hearing this show of violence when the two wooden panels hit the walls, every man and every woman stopped their shouts and turned towards the newcomer. Standing in front of the now open doors, the Prince was staring at them and his eyes were looking daggers at every single person they met. His entrance had made such an effect that the room had become quiet, and he took advantage of the situation to walk back up the room, between the rows of seats until the platform where his husband was sitting on his throne.
The King was looking at him, and when their eyes met, Kibum didn’t notice overwhelming in the beautiful doe eyes of his husband… but growing anger. He was on the verge of bursting out and was admirably trying his best to remain courteous and calm, because that’s what the etiquette wanted from the sovereign. But the Prince didn’t have to follow this rule, and at that moment, he felt like it was his turn to return all the kindness and help Minho had offered him since his arrival.
All those times he had landed him a hand deserved to be return, and it was the right moment. Thus, the black haired man offered him a softer stare before he hardened it again and turned towards the audience, still standing next to the throne.
“Is this the attitude you dare to show in front of your King ?” He asked, his voice loud yet firm and sharp, cutting like a dagger and shocking most of the persons he was addressing. “How dare you ? You are members of the Royal Council, it is an honor that is given to you and by your conduct, you are bringing shame on your sovereign and on the kingdom.”
“Your Grace, your position…” A man had the nerve to interrupt Kibum, who cut him off by shouting.
“Quiet ! Do not abuse your sovereign even more by insulting me ! In this room, in this palace and in this kingdom, you are under the orders of the King ! You owe him respect and allegiance, who do you all think you are in this place to shout like you do ? You have the honor to have been chosen by his Highness to advise him, is this a way to do so ? Is this a Council of grown up adults or a school yard ? Let me assure you that the children who run bare feet in the streets of Jinju have better manners than you ! My position, you dared to say ? My position allows me to command the General to make you leave this room using force. Do not try me. I am not as patient as his Highness, and you will do well not to provoke me. Am I clear ?”
Silence welcomed the Prince’s speech, and the few members of the Council who had been newly named by Minho were proudly smiling. Unlike their seniors, they were young, certainly in their thirties and so, way much more willing to serve a young king and his young husband. The oldest men and women pursed their lips and made the biggest effort they ever made not to respond to the scolding, and Kibum kept staring at them for a minute before he sat next to the King.
After a short moment of peace Minho used to get himself together and, let’s say it, making the most of this delicious silence, he slowly stood up in his turn.
“I must confess that, although I admire the Prince’s eloquence, I feel beyond ashamed that he had to put himself in such an embarrassing position.” He said, his voice deep and his tone betraying his anger, yet with an uncomfortable calm. “As he said, his position and so, mine, allow us to dismiss anyone who goes too far in this room. Starting today, I will not tolerate any form of riot from you, and if I have to reduce my council to a dozen of persons, I will do so. Now, we may pursue on our discussions about this new year for Jinju.”
On these words, he sat down and cleared his throat, accepting the cup of tea Kibum was offering him. He drank a sip of the hot drink and the meeting started again, both rulers discussing the several projects and issues to solve for the year. They listened to the omens given by the priests, just like the tradition wanted : Seollal had opened a new year, under the sign of the Snake. 
It cast a chill and drew a lot of whispers, for the presages weren’t good during a Snake year. Just like the reptile being snide and sometimes poisonous, a year under its sign was forecasting meddling and conspiracies, for the sovereign had to beware of felonies. Obviously, a lot of members turned their head towards the Prince when these words were pronounced, but the latter haughtily ignored them.
Just to make them freak out, he let a smirk being drawn on his thin lips each time someone would stare at him during the entire meeting. After all, since they liked to act like children, he was also allowed to play a bit. He didn’t really believe in astrology, he was interested in it because his former teacher was, but he never thought his fate could be decided by stars. 
Felonies ? As he was thinking he was more the kind of person to say what he had to say to one’s face, he remembered that he hadn’t been the most honest with his husband. It suddenly felt logical that everyone thought he could stab the King in the back once again, this time more than with adultery… but Kibum had promised Jonghyun, and he had promised himself he would behave, and he actually wanted to.
He would never betray his husband again, and he knew Minho wouldn’t betray him. Not now that he was giving him responsibilities and putting a certain trust in him. 
“I studied the reply I received a few days ago from the Prince and Princess of Dongjeo.” The King said at that moment, drawing the Prince out of his thoughts. “And I will dismiss this council on my decision : I will leave Jinju tomorrow at the crack of dawn, and will be away for fourteen days. I will leave alone, with the General and an escort. During my absence, I will leave the kingdom to my husband, the Prince Kibum. Dismissed.”
After the final command, the Council room was slowly emptying in an uncomfortable silence, and soon were left alone Minho, Kibum, the General and Taemin, who had just entered to wait for his master. And even though he was far away from him, the young boy noticed something he knew really well in his friend’s eyes : hurt, combined with anger.
The Prince was deeply breathing, pondering the words he had just heard from his husband’s words. He was being removed, removed from a tradition he had shown himself willing to yield. Without asking him about it, without even warning him about the reply of the rulers of Dongjeo, the King had taken the decision to go alone on a trip they were supposed to make together, as the royal couple of Jinju.
Trust. So this was how the so kind Choi Minho was taking his revenge on his sinful husband. He had played the affectionate guy for weeks, taken his time to break a bit of Kibum’s shell and almost earn his trust… only to crush it. Taemin had felt that something was going to happen and had started walking towards the throne, alerting Jinki, but it was too late.
The Prince bursted out.
next
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m-austinbooks · 6 years
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Favorite Victra moments? 😊 Btw, I aodre your RR songs, they are really beautiful! It's also awesome that you make the illustrations yourself. That is a queen move! You rock!
Ah thank you! You’re so kind. I’m just doing my best to be dubbed an honorary Violet haha.
Honestly, I didn’t think much of Victra initially. Sort of wrote her off as another embodiment of the Gold elite - the usual strange mix of frivolity, self-indulgence and casual cruelty. And she was such a closed book that the only frames we had to analyse her actions through were her links to Antonia and her overtly physical interest in Darrow. So instant distrust. But then she starts doing some interesting things.
Spoilers for everything up to Iron Gold ahead:
- Like shedding tears over the child casualties of some shitty Gold family’s (Falthe?) power play.
- Siding with House Augustus in the civil war, defying the very family that puts her at the comfortable apex of Society, bearing through all the hostility from Darrow’s friends and allies and flouting their predictions of betrayal.
- That first honest conversation with Darrow in the corridor where she flickers between flirtatious and vulnerable. We start to understand how much of her behaviour is a facade she thought necessary to build in order to survive in this world. We also see (imo) that she wants Darrow’s trust and respect more than his love or desire. She wants to be seen as someone good and worthy by the person she admires.
- Which explains why even at the Triumph, lying in her own blood, her last wish is to tell Darrow that she wasn’t the one to betray him. 
- After her torture, her self-doubt seems to loom larger. She doesn’t care that Darrow is a Red, just that he didn’t trust her with the truth. And she still pretends to be a Golden caricature, talking of nothing but revenge. Luckily, Darrow has seen to the heart of her by now and knows that there is more to her than this.
- Her dealing with the uncomfortable reality of how House Julii treats its employees. Until then, she still seemed relatively secure in her position atop the pyramid and dismissive of those beneath her, so it was interesting to see her beginning to question her reality in this way. Her already tenuous relationship with her family and its notoriety really starts to fracture, which is fine because she finds a better house to tie herself too!
- “Bye Felicia.” And also: “Share the load. This one’s on me.” Or words to that effect. 
- Her beating the crap out of Antonia. Just because she bloody deserved it.
-I genuinely just like how she calls people darling as well for some reason. 
- And her relationship with Sevro, an obvious change from the tall, pretty paragons of masculinity she used to favour. To see her so happy with the antithesis of all the values that once controlled her made me happy.
I think she’s one of the main examples of how the Society constrains everyone who chooses to uphold it. Even as a child of the elite, she was taught to adopt this cold, superficial persona until she didn’t know where that ended and her real self began. I always thought of her arc as less character development and more character discovery, where everything we thought we knew of her is cleared away to reveal the true core of her.  I honestly wish she had more to do in IG than go on a roaring rampage of revenge … against the wrong person, but hey, there are two more books to look forward to. 
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cnisms · 7 years
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bye ... i’m truly done taking up muses ... these are short n poorly written but i did them ! i’ll eventually add more information on everyone when i finally get around to finishing muse pages but honestly ? this is all u need to know for now. again, if u wanna plot, just hmu :P a few mentions of drugs n alcoholism but nothing descriptive. here’s percy, zach, ajay, luke, bunny, paris & luma ! (i’ve added gwen, helena n gia too just so they’re all in one place bc i’m lazy)
FINN COLE, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met perseus sage nichols yet ? the twenty-two year old is known for being both astute and jocular, but also very obstreperous and arrogant. born in melbourne, percy now lives in kensington, working as a junior management consultant.  comes from a nice family that he will always be pissed off at for very little reason. has beef w his dad for not providing even tho he really did, it was just never enough for percy. is exactly the type of dude that got mad when leo didn’t win the oscar for wolf. just wanted to be dumb rich n coked out. v smart and got an international scholarship at a good university, by the time he got kicked out for being a rowdy asshole, he’d helped his friends develop some legit apps (the most successful one being a dating app which two yrs later is really just a meme) and they suddenly had a lot of money, he just bought his way back in. bc he was in charge of the business side of things, it was easy enough for him to screw over his friends n walk away w most of what was left when their success went down the drain. got a job as a management consultant at a big, scary firm in london mostly thanks 2 his reputation. is a known ugly n ruthless n desperate to be at the top n live in disgusting luxury. can’t talk to his family or old pals without Wanting To Die bc he’s so committed to this new life he’s created for himself. is literally awful if he doesn’t like u, still awful just in a less hurtful n more annoying way if he does. doesn’t know when to stop. always forgetting n probably trying to hide the fact that he’s not a trust fund baby like all the people he hangs with now. literally just clyde oberholt ?
JAMIE BLACKLEY, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met zachary vaughn baltazar yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both unostentatious and sincere, but also very self-deprecating and uncouth. born in berlin, zach now lives in southwark, working as a telemarketer. the nice guy who is always getting rekt (he wrecking himself lbr) is Um .. a v talented writer but is happy just shitting on his work n never exploring his potential bc why bother when he has the ideal amount of friends n weed atm right ? given up and is convinced he is satisfied, will accept any invitation. still won’t let you live tho. has opinions on ur choices and will probably share them behind ur back. somehow feels underappreciated by everyone even tho he truly believes there is nothing to appreciate. omg have a cry and grow up. king of impressive first dates n writes rlly romantic poetry but is either ghosting or getting ghosted the following week bc he is dry and confused. doesn’t know if this is really what he wants/doesn’t feel like he deserves what he wants. close with his family but tries to force more n more distance bc he can’t stand their #drama... or any drama that doesn’t give him an edge Actual Of Ly. the ders of the squad probably.
RAHUL KOHLI, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met ajay charles johal yet ? the thirty year old is known for being both urbane and jovial, but also very restless and quixotic. born in chennai, ajay now lives in newham, as an airline pilot. moved to london w his parents when he was v young, spent all of his teenage yrs feeling guilty for no reason just like watching all his parents did for him to be happy n healthy ? never got over the guilt. is just a v feeling person ig ! anyways he was so committed to helping his parents out, which was rlly truly the only thing he’s ever committed to in his life. needed enough money to support all three of them but rlly had no idea how to go about it. pilot was just one of the ideas handed to him back in high school n he went with it bc he knew he’s never actually settle on anything. turned out ok bc he likes being able 2 actually get the entire hell away from his problems. a v flighty person (aha... classic) and doesn’t have many close relationships bc of it. v respected ... v respectful ... quality lad but can be a lil immature under it all. wish he’d stop feeling bad just bc he has GOOD parents.
TOBY REGBO, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met luciano andrius falley yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both genial and cultivated, but also very irksome and delphic. born in naples, luke now lives in camden, as a struggling actor and annoying historian. tragic backstory ? never heard of that. comes from a supportive ($$$ n <333) family who probably only pay for the many flights for all his long ass self discovery backpacking trips bc deep down they can’t put up with him anymore. is a super friendly n outgoing person, the type that is literally always reading a book he only half understands but will bring up what he has learned from it at one of his MANY dinner parties where ur only option is CHICKEN and lots of wine while he refuses to SHUT THE FRICK UP. cute ! kinda very judgemental but will just sigh n let u fuck up. “not to get political but...” is always like Hm Yes ! I Love Hearing Other People’s Stories ! but when ? when does he hear anything other than his own voice ? he probably gives himself lectures on intersectional feminism when he’s home alone he just doesn’t stop. honestly he only ever means well n ig he’s interesting enough but Really... fake struggling yet still pretentious aesthetics.
MARGOT ROBBIE, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met elizabeth celine leblanc ? the twenty-seven year old is known for being both coruscating and ardent, but also very egocentric and bourgeois. born in seattle, bunny now lives in southwark, as an influential homemaker. boozy housewife. spent her childhood living below the poverty line before her father began helping ppl smuggle drugs into america. he built his own big operation off of that (with a hygiene product company as a cover) and was successful enough to squash the few people it pissed off. business spread to europe n then when he was ready to retire and the south gang was interested, he had elizabeth marry into it before he sold the operation just to make sure he would always be taken care of. it got handed down to her husband bc she wasn’t interested in any legit roles (her asshole fathers fault honestly ? he wouldn’t have given her control even if she wanted it) and she just went along with whatever would keep her from returning to her Humble Beginnings. is very “i do whatever i have to in order to survive” n by survive she means never actually work n just waltz around a mansion in designer gowns all day. materialistic n v selfish. fake charitable for her socialite image. doesn’t cook, but is always sharing recipes. has no real interest in the soap she pretends to make. is consistently fake. literally gets zero joy from anything that isn’t spending money. could probably be happy if she could escape her family’s ugly beliefs n misogynistic practices n she’s getting there but just . slowly. hates the nickname bunny, but i’m forcing the meme.
MIMI ELASHIRY, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met paris nefret bayoumi yet ? the twenty year old is known for being both beneficent and equable, but also very disengaging and inelegant. born in alexandria, paris now lives in greenwich, practicing herbalism. also works at the rosado but whom cares ? not her ! all she cares abt are the HERBS. was raised by her grandmother who was a Kitchen Witch (as in .. u know ... this isnt a supernatural rp But that woman was a witch !) so she’s always practiced similar hobbies but now she’s all about making her friends custom teas ! n yea paris likes to claim that she’s also a witch. is extra but in a calm n collected way. serene at all times but unintentionally sardonic. not super bright but has plenty of advice for every problem. seems to enjoy oversharing and yet no one knows exactly whats the deal w her parents (criminals that have always been n remain in hiding, some people think they’re straight up pirates now) or anything serious in her life rlly . but u wanna know what russells burp smelt like last week ? she’s about to tell u.
SOFIA BLACK-D'ELIA, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met luma camille pontecorvo yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both optimistic and dexterous, but also very prevaricating and overindulged. born in quebec city, luma now lives in waltham forest, working in retail.  ah , another brat . she was left w her much older half brother n his wife when he mom dipped when she was fourteen n honestly they felt so bad n also had no idea how to handle her so they just . gave her everything she wanted without question. she had her mothers bad attitude n reckless habits tho n when she started getting her nieces n nephews in trouble once they were all in college together, her brother Politely kicked her out of their lives by offering to set her up anywhere she wanted “for the Experience”. she picked london n quickly got a job at a kingsley store n has been working there for a few yrs now. now also deals party drugs at clubs for the north family n she rlly lets that be the focus of her life, so she’s always showing up to her day job late n overtired. doesn’t ever really lie but rarely tells the whole truth. ig she would be fun to hang out with but she’s probably a fair bit cunty. doesn’t care about ur feelings, has very few of her own, just here for a meme. truthfully she’s angry abt everyone ditching her but it gets ugly whenever the topic comes up n dark!luma is an actual thing that makes an appearance.
MADCHEN AMICK, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met gwendolyn griet hathaway yet ? the forty-three year old is known for being both reverent and winsome, but also very acquisitive and ambivalent. born in las vegas, gwen now lives in richmond upon thames, managing a record label. also known as gwen nash. mother to gertrude bc we meme too hard. born in nevada, her own momther bailed early n then her father disappeared when she was fourteen (she’s always been sure he was murdered by a biker gang but no one believed her n kept saying he just ran off on her but ! the story comes up whenever she drinks still) n she ended up just getting a cleaning job in a motel n taking care of herself. eventually she met a nice older couple who sort of took her in. they were responsible for a lot of jazz artists n she stanned them hard ? sang for them for a short while n eventually married their son mostly bc she wanted to actually be part of the family yikes… anyway they had a Beautiful Daughter together obviously n eventually got control of the label n thats all they rlly share now post separation. tragic n twenty years later than everyone expected . anyway she’s lurkin about london, lookin for talent n trying to fix her relationship with gertrude (i’d hate my mom if she named me that too … no a fence) n just drinkin wine ig ! she’s very … impulsive and only ever thinks about herself in the moment but otherwise ? she can be kind n caring but Ya . her habit of just jumping into things for her own pleasure generally hurts other people so she’s a lot of strained relationships. still seems v standoffish mostly bc she’s Um . Scared Of Everything. literally does not matter how much shit she sees ? permanently spooked. lowkey cruel sense of humor but she just seems so gentle 95% of the time that when she makes a sick joke ur like Oh she doesn’t realize how bad that sounds ! hates memes.
LILY JAMES, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met helena therese o’shea yet ? the twenty-six year old is known for being both cultivated and strong-willed, but also very callous and tenacious. born in chicago, helena now lives in wandsworth, working at erstead’s and planning birthday parties. a tragedy. always had it in her head that she was better than everyone else (especially her brother ) but never fully committed to the brat act, like she never threw tantrums or asked for too much, v well mannered n proper but it’s always been obvious that she’s permanently disgusted by everyone except for herself. sometimes also disgusted by herself tho. will say something cringeworthy n just about put a hit on herself for it. was a v successful wedding planner for a while, her business took off rlly quick thanks to a few helpful connections. got engaged herself 3 years ago and cut off most of her family n all her old friends to start this new amazing life she always thought she deserved ? sike. after three years of putting off the wedding, she got dumped n came home to work @ erstead’s bc she’s like well if i’m gonna crash this hard i might as well hit rock bottom ! plans birthday parties for children occasionally. hates children. hates everything. fun ? never experienced that emotion. barely tries to make up with the people she wronged bc despite setting herself back 6 yrs, she still thinks she’s above everyone else. loves to complain. doesn’t really have much going for her honestly other than ? total commitment to whatever it is that’s happening in her life. obviously that’s not workin out for her rn ?
CHARLI XCX, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met georgiana lalaine visariya yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both jocund and unfeigned, but also very vexatious and lowbrow. born in kiev, gia now lives in soho, being extra on youtube.  gia is honestly .. a headache. she was always a v creative person, ‘expressing herself’ n doin’ the most when literally no one asked ever. she started vlogging two years ago n got bored quickly so instead she decided to start her own (fake) reality series on youtube ? she handled everything by herself at first n reached out to hot local people who were popular on instagram n youtube to star in it WITH HER and only got a few people in on it but ? it took off. now she has a whole crew n writers n what not working on it with her (even tho most of the time she will take over every part of the production n handle it herself again) n it gets her good money (especially bc she’s shameless n stays making sure she’s a main in every single episode so she gets those instagram sponsors too) calls herself “““punk lauren conrad””” n is clearly too extra. a very very confident n loud person, super friendly, loves everyone n honestly u can try to drag her but that’s not gonna stop her running up to u in the street next time she sees u n telling you to drop whatever it is ur doing to go get cocktails with her. she’s so … genuine irl that you literally would not belieb how much of the show is scripted n thought up by her w that … interesting … imagination. will annoy u for content.
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